Toddler behaviour - Youth Advocacy Centre · Toddler behaviour Your baby has blossomed into a bundle of curiosity with an enquiring and demanding mind of her own. Your toddler has
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Behaviour
Toddler behaviour
Your baby has blossomed into a bundle of curiosity with an enquiring and demanding mind
of her own.
Your toddler has a lovely surprise in store for you. When you
ask her to do something, she may actually do it! By this age,
many children start to control their urges, change their
behaviour and do as mum or dad asks. Not all the time, of
course.
The name for this wonderful ability is self-regulation. It is one
of life's most important milestones.
Here are some things to keep in mind about toddler behaviour:
Toddlers are naturally curious about their world. They learn by testing and
experimenting with everything around them. Constantly telling her 'no' can pour
cold water on this natural curiosity. You may want to try some other ways to
change behaviour you don’t like.
Allow exploring. Try to create situations where your child can explore life without
lots of 'don'ts' and 'nos'. For example, if it's not acceptable to blow bubbles in her
milk during lunch perhaps she can go outside later and blow bubbles in water. Put
your favourite things out of reach so you don't have to tell your child not to touch
them.
Let's make a trade. If she is sucking on your favourite scarf, replace it with a
feeling, it helps to relieve some of their tension and makes them feel respected and
comforted. It can diffuse many potential temper tantrums.
Catch her being ‘good’. This simply means that when your child is behaving in a way that
you like, you can give her some great positive feedback, for example, ‘Wow, you are
playing so nicely. I really like it when you keep all the blocks on the table’. That works
better than ‘waiting’ for the blocks to come crashing to the floor before you take notice
and bark, ‘Hey, stop that!’. This positive feedback is sometimes called ‘descriptive
praise’. Try to say six positive comments (praise and encouragement) for every negative
comment (criticisms and reprimands). It also pays to remember that children will seek
out negative attention if the only alternative is no attention at all.
Choose your battles wisely. Before you intervene in anything your child is doing, ask
yourself if it really matters. By keeping instructions, requests and negative feedback to a
minimum, you create less opportunity for conflict and bad feelings. Rules are important,
but reserve them for the most important things.
Keep it simple. If you can give clear instructions in simple terms, your child will know
what is expected of her. (‘Please hold my hand when we cross the road.’)
Responsibility and consequences. As children get older, you can increasingly give them
responsibility for their own behaviour and the chance to experience the naturalconsequences of that behaviour. You don’t have to be the bad guy all the time. For
example, if she forgot to put her lunch box in her bag, she will go hungry at lunch time. It
is her hunger and her consequence and it won’t hurt her to go hungry just that one time.
Sometimes, with the best intentions, we do so much for our children that we don’t allow
them to learn for themselves. At other times you need to provide consequences
for unacceptable behaviour. For these times, it is best to ensure that you have explained
the consequences and that your children have agreed to them in advance.
Say it once and move on. Nagging and criticising is boring for you and doesn’t work. Your
child will just end up tuning you out. Try to avoid idle threats. Your child will very quickly
work these out and ignore them. The best way is to let them know what you think once
and then take action if you need to set limits or back up a rule.
Make her feel important. Children love it when they can contribute to the family. Start
introducing some simple chores or things that she can do to play her own important part
in helping the household. This will make her feel important and she’ll take pride in helping
out. If you can give your child lots of practise doing a chore, she will get better at it and
will keep trying harder. Safe chores help them feel responsible, build their self-esteem
and help you out too.
Prepare for challenging situations. There are times when looking after your child and
doing things you need to do will be tricky. If you think about these challenging situations
in advance, you can plan around her needs and talk to her about why you need her
cooperation. Then she is prepared for what you expect.
Maintain a sense of humour. Another way of diffusing tension and possible conflict is to
use humour. You can pretend to become the menacing tickle monster or make animal
noises. However, humour at her expense won't help; young children are easily hurt by
parental ‘teasing’. Humour that has you both laughing is great.
Discipline
The word ‘discipline’ actually means ‘to teach’ and not necessarily to punish. If you use the
above strategies, you will probably never need to punish your child in the old-fashioned
sense. Smacking is not an effective or acceptable punishment for a child, no matter what
age. Hitting doesn’t change a child’s behaviour for good. It might stop their behaviour
momentarily, while they try to figure you out, but they will soon become confused when
they copy your behaviour and get in trouble for it. It doesn’t give them the opportunity to
learn about related consequences or solve their own problems. Instead, it can make themfearful, insecure and resentful. Some parents may hit their child because they are trying to
relieve their own tension or stress in a situation. For more help with managing stress and
angry feelings, try reading Feeling stressed and When you feel you might hurt your child
When to say ‘No’
Often, a child behaves ‘badly’ because they know it will get attention (and for children of all
ages, negative attention is better than no attention at all). So paying too much attention to
bad behaviour often actually encourages it.
If your toddler is aware of the ‘right’ behaviour, she will only respect you if you follow
through with the matter-of-fact consequence that you agreed on earlier. If she is not aware,
then a firm ‘No’ or ‘Stop that now’ is something your toddler should understand, but save
these expressions for when it really counts or in dangerous situations. Even though your
child may be walking and talking now, and even though she stopped in her tracks the last
time you said ‘No’, that doesn’t mean she will stop every time, so you still have to make
sure you have a firm but comfortable grip of her hand when crossing the road or in other
potentially dangerous situations.
If you ever become concerned or very frustrated by your toddler's behaviour, seek
professional advice.
Connecting and communicating
Communicating with toddlers
With a lot of attitude and not too many words, a toddler needs your help to be
understood.
Toddlers are listening to every word we say (even if we don’t notice it). They understand a
lot more than we first think possible. They can be very sensitive and get grumpy or burst
into tears at the way you said something or laughed at them.
A toddler’s world is one of big emotions mixed with communication skills that just can’t
keep up. Their feelings can sometimes be too much for them,
but they can’t find the words to tell you what’s wrong. They are
torn between their fear of being separated from you and their
longing for independence. And their brains are just grasping
the idea that they can change how the world works. They are
driven to communicate so they can get help with everyday
needs, but also to feel secure, understood and accepted by
their family.
Children really need to be heard and, once heard, understood.
This can be very difficult for toddlers who can’t fully express
themselves. It can lead to lots of frustration which can lead to tantrums.
Tips for good communication
Really tune in to what your child is trying to say. Notice the emotions behind it.
Make regular time to communicate with him in your own special way. Even twominutes every half hour makes a difference.
When your toddler comes to you, try to drop whatever you're doing to talk – it is
likely he only really needs your undivided attention for a minute or two.
Get down on his level to talk to him by kneeling or squatting next to him.
Try to let him finish his sentences before interrupting, no matter how meandering
they might be.
Read to him and tell stories. Picture books help children learn about language.
Always be honest. Children are brighter than many of us think. When we lie to
them, we lose their trust.
Toddler talk
Stuck for words, a toddler will use actions to communicate what he wants. He may tug on
your pants to be picked up, shake or nod his head and use clear gestures to tell you to go
away. If you have introduced a few baby language signs, he might start using them by 18
months and even make up some of his own – look out for those moments of creative
brilliance and join him in making up a couple that you can share as your own secret code.
One favourite is the 'I love you' sign which can help smooth goodbyes and be ‘spoken’ from
afar.
When your toddler relies on body language, you can help develop his talking. Repeat whatyou think he wants in words and explain your response. For instance, ‘You want to be picked
up but mummy’s got something in her hand, so you can hold my other hand’, or ‘I can see
you don’t want that. What about this?’
Positive talk
By talking out loud about everything, even your chores as you do them, you can help build
his vocabulary and language skills.
We all like being told what we can do, rather than what we shouldn’t do. Your toddler is just
the same. For example, rather than saying 'Don’t run in the house', you can say 'Please
walk when you’re in the house'. ’Don’t yell‘ can become 'Please talk quietly'.
Bladder infection. Also called a urinary tract infection, this is more common in
girls. You may notice she needs to wee more often and may be irritable or have a
mild fever. For girls, wiping front to back will prevent most bladder infections.
Treatment is with oral antibiotics so see your doctor.
See the A-Z Health Reference for other common health issues that may affect your toddler.
Health tips for toddlers
1. Make sure immunisations are up to date Immunisation protects us against bacteria and viral nasties, such as measles and
diphtheria, that are potentially serious and even life threatening. Immunisation is
considered essential protection for your child. Toddlers can be immunised by a GP or at a
baby health centre at:
12 months
18 months
24 months
The Maternity Immunisation Allowance is only payable once you have followed the
immunisation recommendations.
2. Don’t give unprescribed medicationsNormal household medicine can be deadly to toddlers. That’s why it is important not to give
any medication to your child unless it is prescribed for her by your doctor. Some herbal
remedies can also be dangerous, so it’s best to check with a doctor to be safe.
3. Keep her air clean‘Secondhand smoke’ can cause serious health risks to non-smokers. If someone in your
house smokes, they can protect your child by always smoking outside. Avoid using
chemical household sprays, like insect repellent or cleaning products, when your toddler is
in the room.
Daily care
Toilet training
Helping your toddler learn how to use a toilet, dress and brush her teeth soon leads to
that proud day when she declares ‘I can do it myself!’
Some children are ready to sit on the potty at 18 months. Others don’t show any ‘ready’
signs until they are closer to three. All children are different and things will go more
smoothly if you can wait until your toddler shows an interest.
Toilet training may take days or months. You may want to start during summer when you
can let her run around naked or with no pants. With pants off, toddlers can really start
‘connecting the dots’ about when they need to go to the potty.
Eventually, all children get the hang of making it to the toilet in time. The key is to stayrelaxed and not push your child. Telling her you are proud of her will make her feel great
Good fats with long-chain polyunsaturated fatty acids build brain and nerve cells. These
good fats are found in fish (tinned or fresh), avocado, and vegetable oils such as those
made from olives or canola (but try to avoid deep frying in these delicate unsaturated
oils).
Tap water is the cheapest and best source of fluids. It is also fortified with fluoride for
strong teeth. (If you do give juice, always mix it half and half with water.)
Foods to avoid
It's fine to offer dessert at the end of a meal, and sliced fruit is the healthiest option. Ifyou want to serve something special, go for vanilla ice-cream or banana bread. Save the
seriously sweet stuff, like chocolate, for special occasions like birthdays.
A child's system can't handle foods high in salt, sugar or caffeine (found in cola drinks).Soft drinks and fruit juice are expensive, high in sugar and bad for teeth. If you want to
offer juice, mix it half and half with water.
Fast-fix foods. These foods are low in fibre and nutrients and high in sugar and/or fat.
They include hot chips, potato chips, doughnuts, biscuits and cookies, cakes, chocolate
and sugary sweets. The fat in most of these foods is the less-healthy type, including
trans fat. Just say 'no' and, instead, let your child get hooked on good snacks, like
grated or thinly sliced carrot and sweet baby peas served frozen in a cup.
Worried - too much or not enough?
Knowing the way your tummy 'talks to' your brain can help you deal with concerns about
undereating or overeating.
Delayed reaction. Our brains only realise we are full about 20 minutes after the food hits
our stomachs.
Tummy clock. Feeling hungry is partly determined by your child's ‘stomach clock’ – how
much he ate yesterday at the same time. Big meals at regular times actually encourage
a big appetite next dinnertime, so you can use that to your advantage either way. You
can encourage children who undereat at mealtimes to eat more by limiting ‘grazing’ (or
random snacking). On the other hand, regular healthy snacks can be a great way to
reduce overeating at mealtimes.
Overeating?If you are concerned that your child has a tendency to overeat, you can try slowing it down.
Offer half a normal portion of food and then, if he finishes it, offer the second half
of his meal 10 minutes later (sometimes this will give his brain a chance to catch
up with his stomach).
Offer the most nutritious stuff (lean protein and vegetables) first (this is called
‘food sequencing’). He doesn't need to eat everything on his plate but only offer
him a normal portion of starchy carbohydrates (like pasta, bread or potatoes)
after he has finished the more nutritious foods. (Given the choice, children tend
to go for the bread and pasta first, which can fill them up before they get to the
more nutritious foods.)
Undereating?You may feel your child is consistently not eating enough at mealtimes. If he tends to sit
happily for about five minutes and then starts fidgeting and loses his appetite, there are
some strategies you can try.
Use food sequencing to get the good stuff into him first (during that precious
window of opportunity).
Let him wolf down the food as fast as he wants (to let his stomach outrun his
brain so he'll fill up a bit more). His stomach clock can help too. If you can make
mealtimes the same every day, he is more likely to be hungry at that time of day.
Healthy eating and exercise habits
Children watch what you are eating. So you can help them adopt good eating habits by
eating well yourself. If you load up with hot chips and cola, that’s what they will want too.
Some children reject a new food 6-10 times before they taste it and love it. Eat it
enthusiastically yourself and, if it is still rejected, try again in a few weeks or a few months.
There is no hurry but don’t give up as her tastes can change. Find out more about offering
new foods.
Healthy food for toddlers
For good food made easy, try these finger foods for toddlers.
Pack a goodness punch by including lots of your child’s nutritional needs in one
dish. Try Everything fried rice, an omelette with the lot, shepherd’s pie, baked
beans on wholegrain toast or pasta bolognaise with a meat and vegie sauce.
For more on good food, read Choosing good food.
Seven tips for happy mealtimes
Be relaxed about it, even if your child is not eating.
Mix it up a bit. Sitting at the same table for every meal can be hard going. Try a picnic in
the backyard or take dinner down to the beach or park occasionally.
Try not to give in to whingeing for alternatives to the meal you have prepared.
Offer nothing until the next scheduled mealtime or regular snack time (they'll get the
hang of it).
Schedule snacking to leave a good space before mealtimes (at least ½-1 hour).
At dinner, try offering the protein and the colourful vegies first, when they are most
hungry.
Be calm, firm and consistent.
Toddler exercise
Encourage your child to be physically active and you're helping to establish a healthylifelong habit. Exercise gives your toddler strong bones and muscles, a healthy heart, lungs
and arteries, and improved coordination, balance, posture and flexibility. It reduces their
risk of getting overweight or obese and of developing heart disease, cancer or
diabetes down the track.
Being overweight is unhealthy and uncomfortable – and very unpleasant for a young child.
Eating salty chips while watching TV is a recipe for child obesity. Try limiting TV time to 30
minutes, followed by an outdoor activity (like a walk to the park). Keep snacks healthy – a
banana, a handful of healthy crackers, thinly sliced carrot or celery sticks are all good
options.
Play and learning
Learning through play
For toddlers, play is an essential part of learning. It is how he develops physical skills,
When your toddler is out of your sight for a couple of minutes, you may want to
check whether he's discovered something intriguing but dangerous.
Curtain tie-backs and window blind cords can strangle a curious toddler. Remove
them or hook them well out of reach.
When you make a well deserved cup of coffee, keep it away from little fingers.
Install a safety gate at the top of stairs and teach her to come down stairs
backwards.
Keep medicines, cleaning fluids and other poisons locked away in high
cupboards.
Turn down your hot water system to 50° C to avoid scalding.
Keep a well stocked first aid kit and keep it out of her reach.
Check your fire alarms regularly.
Deadlocking doors when you are inside the house prevents you getting out if
there is a fire. Only deadlock when you are away from home.
In the kitchen
A dangling toaster cord is tempting to pull so keep appliance cords from hanging
over the edge of the bench.
When cooking, turn saucepan handles inwards and use the back stove elements
(rather than the front ones) when possible.
Keep washing up liquid, insect sprays and other chemicals locked away and up
high.
Remove stools or chairs that help her reach dangerous items, like knives or
glasses.
In the bathroom
Never leave your toddler alone in the bath, even for a second. Drowning is both
quick and silent. If you need to leave the bathroom to get something, get her out
of the bath.
Heat bath water to between 37°C and 38°C.
Lock medicines up high, out of reach.
Safety outside the home
Toddlers are fast and quiet. One minute, she is standing by your side, the next she is over
at the duck pond or heading for the carpark. By always keeping your eye on her outdoors,you can avoid dangerous accidents. When out walking, holding hands or using a pram can
keep her from darting onto the road. Swimming pools and open water are danger zones for a
curious toddler. Remember, drowning is swift and silent.
Keep these other pointers in mind:
When outdoors, remember the sunscreen and a hat. Toddlers burn very easily.
Keep up the habit of wearing a hat for all outside play. Remember that some
clothing lets through more radiation than SPF30 sunscreen does.