Tim Ervin part 1

Managing Anger

Presented By: Tim Ervin, LCPC

Counseling for Solutions, LLC

Arlington Heights, IL. 60005

Training TopicsWhat is really behind anger: Triggers and signsHow the brain worksCognitive distortionsThe cycle of acceptanceWhen is anger considered to be a problem and how far could it affect general health?

Training TopicsThe Johari modelAssertive management and setting realistic boundariesProblem solving techniquesUsing clean languageFitting in the transactional analysis mode

Training TopicsAcknowledging psychological contractsBreathing and deep relaxation techniquesCognitive restructuring techniquesThe rational emotive theoryEmotional freedom techniques

Training TopicsIntegrated personal developmentHumor and energy psychologyWhen is it healthy to be angryGlasser’s ‘Choice Theory’Fisher’s process of personal changeSelf-help script for anger management

Anger: What is it?Anger is a reaction. It’s a pseudo or secondary emotion that comes to the surface as a result of other hidden emotions such as fear, pain, lack of respect, lack of appreciation, etc.

Anger is an adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful and sometimes aggressive feelings to trigger the “fight or flight” modes.

Anger: Its Nature & Symptoms

Anger can be unpredictable and -if left untamed- could affect your quality of work and social life. It’s accompanied by physiological and biological changes. The way we are brought up and our cultural background affect the way we express anger. You can be angry about thoughts, people or events.

• We become angry when we are stressed and body resources are down. • We are hardly ever angry for the reasons we think. • We often get angry when we see a trait in others which we can't stand in ourselves. • Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas and triggers.

Anger: Its Nature & Symptoms

Anger: How the Brain Works

All that any living creature can do is behave according to internal motivation. All behaviors are ideally purposeful flexible and creative.

How the Brain WorksIn our attempt to gain more effective control, we behave to get the mental picture we want in our brain all the time. No matter how painful or self destructive it appears to be. Every behavior is always our best attempt to get what we want.

How the Brain WorksPeople who are healthy, feel good and adopt a behavior that is not destructive nor threatening to themselves or others. They are generally in effective control of their lives.

Paths of AngerAnger triggers are common and frequent but how far we get provoked, affects our peace of mind and life relationships. The map below will help you 1) decide where you are now, 2) decide where you want to go, 3) choose the best path to get there and 4) go down the chosen path.

OK: represents a neutral state; e.g.; either people who may be meeting for the first time or who have had animosity in the past but have now resolved their problems.

Insult: somewhere between frustrated, annoyed, and enraged. This is when someone has an almost uncontrollable urge to lash out and act now.

Paths of Anger

The Paths of AngerAngry: this is when: “something has got to change”. Here it is advised to cool off and reflect before thinking about the action that needs to be taken. The yellow color indicates the need for caution in choosing the next path.

Retaliation: A form of destructive “anger display” where raised voices, yelling, threatening, insulting, and even physical actions such as clenched or raised fists are used in an attempt to intimidate or coerce someone.

The Paths of Anger

Enraged: Tempers are flaring. Here a person could be obsessed with anger. The enraged person is not thinking clearly and is considering revenge. The orange color represents moderate to high danger levels.

De-escalation: To walk away, calm down, or apologize.

Overtly Violent: Ranging in intensity from a tantrum, to disrespectful or obscene gestures and verbal abuse. The red color represents high to extreme danger levels.

The Paths of Anger

Non-resolution: Is a form of inaction, avoidance or submission

Resignation: Someone’s resignation in the face of unresolved anger may not be OK. Take steps toward a reconciliation.

Dominance Contest: This is also know as the “show down” or “stand off”, like a public test for fighting ability. The orange color represents moderate to high danger levels.

The Paths of AngerYou Prevail: and I capitulate. You win and I lose, but the problem is still there.

I Prevail: I win and you lose, but the problem is not resolved.

Covertly-Violent: “Who me? I didn't do a thing”. Such inaction by some very angry and insincere people who work hard at appearing polite and civilized. The red color represents high to extreme danger levels.

Reconciliation: Get rid of the burden and resolve anger.

84% Strongly Agree People should seek help

64% Agree People are getting Angrier

28% Worry About their Anger

20% of Relationships

ended

A Survey conducted in Great Britain on Anger

Anger Might Lead to..

•Depression or anxiety•Sleep problems•Alcohol or drug addictions •Eating disorders• Compulsive behavior e.g. excessive cleaning, overworking• Self-harm

•Increased heart beat•High blood pressure•Increased respiration•Headache•Digestion problems – contributing to the development of heartburn, ulcers,colitis, gastritis or irritable bowel syndrome

Physiological Reaction to Anger

The Vicious Circle of Anger

It is very tough to have many successful relationships with suppressed, unresolved anger inside, because anger results in behaviors such as:

• Being mean to people indirectly, without telling them why• Acting in a cynical and hostile manner• Constantly putting others down, criticizing everything

Negative Behaviors Caused by Latent Anger

Anger: What’s Really Behind it?People are not the same in how bad and how quick they could get angry. There is a genetic factor which make some people more “hot –headed” and get angry more easily than others.

The Genetic FactorPeople who get angry easily, have low tolerance for frustration and hate to be subjected to it. Frustration is a violation to the personal standards they are willing to accept. They hate to be corrected, even for minor mistakes.

Some research has proven a gene called “The warrior gene” to play an important role in hot-tempered people.

Unrealistic ExpectationsAnother reason why we can get angry is setting an unrealistic standard of expectation from the circumstances or people around us. For example, expecting another person to read your mind or exactly understand your feelings, expecting the traffic to always be smooth, expecting your boss to have a solution to all your problems, or even hoping your spouse would always be ready to help...!

50 Ways for Anger Management 27

Cognitive Distortions•Mental Filter: when you pay attention to one negative detail and downplay the whole picture.•Black or white thinking: viewing a situation in one of two categories (yes/no)instead of ranking it.

•Fortune Telling: being pessimistic about the future and jumping to conclusions.•Mind Reading: being sure about what others are thinking without considering other possibilities.

Cognitive Distortions

• Disregarding the positives: When you believe that good experiences don’t count.• Emotional Reasoning: relying on feelings to come up with conclusions and downplaying facts or investigations.

Cognitive Distortions

Labeling: Yourself or stereotyping others, without considering evidence.

Magnification/minimization: unreasonably magnifying the negative or minimizing positive aspects.

Cognitive Distortions

•Overgeneralization: making a sweeping negative conclusion about a situation without any research.•Personalization: Thinking others are behaving negatively because of you.•Should/Must Statements: When you are not flexible or open to compromise with the behavior of others.

Cognitive Distortions

The Cycle of AcceptanceThis is the default cycle of anger that takes full round if you don’t interfere and manage anger. It could waste much time and put work and family relationships at stake if not controlled.

Do You Have an Authentic Life?Lack of congruence between what you think, love, believe in, desire and your outer world could cause great unease sometimes channeled through anger. If you are stuck in this square you need to ask yourself the hard questions about whether you are really living your authentic and real life? ( A good reference would be Susan Piver’s ‘100 Hard Questions’).

Wrong Procedures to Resolve AngerSometimes ignoring the whole situation, or even thinking that remaining permanently silent makes you think your anger will drain away. Not true. Problem solving, understanding root causes of anger, challenges given under the situation, personality types and expectations of the people your are angry with, will help you take the right turn to boil things down, as we shall see in the following slides.

Guilt

Remorse

Suppressed Anger

Resentment

Irritation

Anger Out

Mal Adaptive Cycle of Anger Management

When is Anger a Problem?Anger becomes a problem when it harms you or people around you. This can depend on whether you express your anger and how you express it. When you don’t express your anger, or release it during inappropriate times or in unsafe ways, this is when it can damage your health and your relationships.

Fig 2 Example for unmanaged Anger: Unresolved suppression can lead to negative behaviors and health hazards.

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Violation of personal standards

Genetic factor

Violation of Personal

Standards

Suppression

Fig 3 Example for unmanaged Anger: The intensity of Outburst varies depending on the genetic factor.

50 Ways for Anger ManagementFirst you need to watch out for anger riggers and try to reverse these. If not, you can practice any of the channels that will follow that help in effective coping with anger, including: Expressing it in an assertive way Suppressing and recreating it Preventing it from surging

1. Learn your TriggersThis is part of understanding yourself: What makes you really angry?• When the traffic is jammed?• When you are misunderstood?• When you are criticized?

Learn Your TriggersBecoming aware of what is making you angry can sometimes be enough to help, because this may make you feel that it’s something you can control or pin down and operate on for yourself. However, if you are finding it difficult to recognize your triggers, you may want to try talking to someone who is trained to help you understand your feelings and the reasons for them.

But first you must be aware of the signs that warn you that you are about to get angry, for example: Irritation, frustration, negative thinking, hostility, depletion of energy, your heart is beating faster, you are breathing more quickly, your body is becoming tense, your feet are tapping, clenching your fists, ...what?

Be Aware of Anger Signs

Be Aware of Anger SignsWhen you recognize these signs you have the chance to think about how you want to react to a situation before doing anything. This can be very difficult if you feel angry, but it is possible to train yourself to pause and think about your course of action before expressing your feelings.

2. Map Where You Are in: The Johari Model1. What is known by the person about him/herself and is also known by others - open area, open self, free area, free self, or 'the arena'

2. What is unknown by the person about him/herself but which others know - blind area, blind self or 'blindspot‘.

3. What the person knows about him/herself that others do not know - hidden area, hidden self, avoided area, avoided self or 'facade'

4. What is unknown by the person about him/herself and is also unknown by others - unknown area or unknown self

The Johari Model: Map Where You Are

Fig 4 The Johari Window Model

The Johari ModelBy telling others how we feel and other information about ourselves we reduce the hidden area, and increase the open area, which enables better understanding and lesser friction. Reducing hidden areas assists in managing or preventing intensified anger from you and the people you communicate with.

3. Release Your Anger Assertively To be able to release your anger in a constructive manner, by having a crystal clear idea what your problems and needs are and what you expect the other party to do to help you resolve the matter. You need not be directive, needy nor pushy. You need to respect yourself and not hurt the feelings of the people/person you are confronting.

Assertiveness Management As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them by using “I” statements rather than “You” statements. For example, say, "I'm upset that you refused to offer to help with..." instead of: “You are never being helpful ".

Remember that excessive anger and aggressiveness can get in the way of communicating what you are angry about. People stop listening to you and focus on your anger instead.

Assertiveness Management

If you are able to express your anger by talking in an ‘assertive’ tone about what has made you angry, this will produce better results for you. Being assertive doesn’t mean hurting others, it means standing up for yourself, while still respecting other people and their opinions.

Assertiveness Management

Assertiveness Management

If you are used to hiding your feelings you might need to practice a constructive way of expressing your anger. This is because talking about your anger assertively makes communication easier, prevents tense situations getting out of control, anchors mutual trust in your relationships, boosts self-esteem, helps keep you physically and mentally well.

Tips on Assertiveness ManagementFollowing these tips doesn't mean you will never get angry, but it should help you express your anger in a constructive manner and feel in control of yourself: Pause. Think ahead and ask yourself :Do you just need to explain what you are angry about or do you want to change something and to resolve the problem?

Tips on Assertiveness ManagementBreathe steadily – this will help you keep calm.Be specific and use facts. Treat the other person with courtesy. Try to spot it if the conversation takes a wrong direction and anger intensifies. Take a time out and come back another time.

4. Talk Openly and ClearlyAvoid words with vague or multiple meanings.Avoid mixed messages by synchronizing your words with your body languageMaintain eye contact Try to support your opinion with facts

Only 7% of meaning is expressed in spoken words.

38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way the words are said).

55% is communicated through facial expression.

Talk Openly and Clearly

5. ListenHear people out. Jumping to conclusions will make people less motivated to justify their opinion. It creates tension.

Don’t get defensive when being criticized, try to read what’s underlying the words.

ListenUse effective listening techniques: Restate what the other person said and ask questions relevant to the subject matter to make sure you are keeping track with how the other person envisions the problem and if he’s ready to give a hand.

ListenTypes of Listening that are bad for anger management:•Passive/not listening - noise in background - ignoring•Pretend listening - also called 'responsive listening' - using stock nods and smiles and ‘uhum’, yes, of course, etc.

ListenTypes of Listening that are bad for anger management:•Biased/projective listening - 'selective listening' and intentionally disregarding/dismissing the other person's views•Misunderstood listening - unconsciously overlaying your own interpretations and making things fit when they don't

ListenTypes of Listening that are healthy for anger management:Attentive listening - personally-driven fact gathering and analysis often without manipulation of the other person.Active listening - understanding feelings and gathering facts for unselfish purposes.

ListenTypes of Listening that are healthy for anger management:Empathic listening - understanding and checking facts and feelings, usually with a listener's perspective.Facilitative listening - listening, understanding fully, and helping, with the other person's needs uppermost.

“Nature arranges it so that we can’t shut our ears but that we can shut our mouths..”

Unkown

6. EmpathyEmpathy is not an easy treat when someone is angry, but it can make all the difference in the world. Considering the condition of the other person in the middle of a heated argument is tough, but with practice it can become second nature.

7. Work on Mutual Trust BondingTrust helps us have sensible, adult discussions.

It is about listening and understanding - not necessarily agreeing (which is different) - to the other person. But Listening without judging.

8. Fight FairTake into consideration the best interests of the person you are arguing with. Respect his priorities and seek a win-win resolution so the problem wouldn’t pop up again and again.

9. Enhance Your Problem Solving Skills Plan the exact outcomes you want, the time span, the costs involved, etc.Highlight the people who will help you in your plans and make a good faith effort to network with them.

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Enhance Your Problem Solving Skills Involve experts in the field while you plan. Understand your limitations and be realistic. Research how you will make up for these limitations.Avoid the “all or nothing” mentality. Problem solving-like any learning process-is time consuming. Work hard on generating alternatives and contingencies.

“Believe it is possible to solve your problems.

Tremendous things happen to the believer.

So believe the answer will come. It will.”

Norman Vincent PealeAmerican Author