Till Debt Do Us Part, NIMROD KAMER, 2015

TILL DEBT DO US PART By 

Nimrod Kamer 

Episode 1 

EXT. KARL MARX GRAVE, HIGHGATE CEMETERY - DAY

EMILYNE, 27, in a BUNNY ONESIE, facing KARL MARX'S TOMBSTONE with resolute face. Her boyfriend NIMROD is hugging her. She calls an Uber car on her MOBILE.

EMILYNE My mum died doing what she loved the most, closing tabs on Google Chrome.

NIMROD Your mum was a champagne fascist.

EMILYNE She used to take me here, point at Marx's face and explain how he never paid his taxes.

NIMROD Karl Marx died in Kentish Town.

INT. UBER CAR - LATE AFTERNOON

NIMROD What did your parents leave you?

EMILYNE All their debt and a few toxic assets. I owe the bank and lenders roughly two million pounds.

NIMROD Some rich kids get property from their parents. Other rich kids get debt. It’s only fair.

EMILYNE Do you want to buy my Groucho Club membership?

NIMROD They gave it to you for free.

UBER DRIVER (Stopping car)

Please give me a five star rating.

EMILYNE (Exiting car)

This is the first time I've taken UberX, it's the cheapest. I'm used to UberLUX.

NIMROD UberX, UberLUX, UberEXEC. It’s the only way to know who's wealthy and who's poor now.

EMILYNE Uber class warfare.

NIMROD Redistribution of wealth.

EMILYNE Income inequality.

NIMROD Passive income.

EMILYNE Passive outcome.

NIMROD Equal pay.

EMILYNE I need some debt relief.

NIMROD We can drink tap water in the Claridge's all day.

EMILYNE Will you support me?

NIMROD No.

EMILYNE Will you let me move in with you?

NIMROD No. Absolutely not.

INT. NIMROD'S FLAT, HALLWAY, - EARLY EVENING

NIMROD You can move in and pay the bills. I'll pay the mortgage.

EMILYNE No. I can give you half my debt.

NIMROD I can take your British Airways club card. Why would I want your debt?

EMILYNE If you owe one million pound to the bank people think you've done well.

NIMROD Once.

EMILYNE I was the future once.

NIMROD Go back to Harvard.

EMILYNE You don't realize how broke I am.

NIMROD You're in debt, you're not poor. Many rich people say they're broke, then you find out they own two houses.

EMILYNE Debt or alive. Do you think I can pass the debt to my uncle?

NIMROD She won't take it.

EMILYNE I need quantitative easing.

NIMROD I can ease your neck.

EMILYNE I don't think I can borrow more money. What if I marry you and kill myself?

NIMROD Imagine if all lenders would write off everyone's debt. Everywhere. How would the world look like?

EMILYNE Exactly the same.

INT. HSBC BANK

CASH MACHINE reads: "-£2M" - in EMILYNE's account.

HSBC MANAGER I would never have spoken to you myself if your liabilities weren't that severe.

EMILYNE I get special treatment because my debt is bigger than yours?

HSBC MANAGER I'm indebted to no one, Miss. Your mum used you as an ad-hoc fake employee in her tax avoidance scheme.

EMILYNE She deceived me into signing many things. I was unfazed at the time. She was a bitch.

HSBC MANAGER (Unbothered)

There is no way for me to verify what you just said.

EMILYNE Mum left me a house in Sussex before she died.

HSBC MANAGER A freehold?

EMILYNE A leasehold.

HSBC MANAGER Let me see. It says the lease on that house expires a year from now.

EMILYNE So?

HSBC MANAGER No one will buy it from you.

EMILYNE You obviously helped my mum hide her money.

HSBC MANAGER No I didn't.

EMILYNE I thought HSBC invented tax evasion.

HSBC MANAGER Avoidance.

EMILYNE Tax evasion.

HSBC MANAGER Avoidance.

EMILYNE Stop it.

EXT. EMILYNE enters WONGA, a payday loan company.

INT. WONGA

EMILYNE Yes, I'm black and I come from a wealthy family.

WONGA REP. Racism is over in this country.

EMILYNE Is it? Tell me then, who's the richest black person in the UK?

WONGA REP. I have no idea.

EMILYNE You see.

WONGA REP. See what?

EMILYNE In the U.S. you have Oprah Winfrey. Here - nothing.

WONGA REP. Let me guess. Your mum was the richest black woman in this country.

EMILYNE She was.

WONGA REP. So why do you need a loan?

EXT. HACKNEY CANAL

EMILYNE sitting on a bench opening LETTERS.

1st letter reads: "Your request for £500,000 has been approved"

2nd letter reads: "Your debt to HSBC and subsequent lenders is 1.49 Million Pounds"

3rd letter reads: "You have 30 days to pay back £500,000 to WONGA"

EMILYNE throws her small HSBC FOB device into the canal. It sinks.

EXT. DORCHESTER HOTEL

EMILYNE sits in the LOBBY. Nothing on her TABLE.

EMILYNE My mum took me here to meet the sheikhs. She always wore a kaffiyeh to impress them. I was just another toxic asset for her.

WAITER Can I get you anything?

EMILYNE Tap water please, and a pen. And an umbrella.

WAITER Are you staying with us?

EMILYNE (Insecure)

Umm, my friends are just checking in, it’s fine.

EMILYNE is calling NIMROD.

EMILYNE (On phone)

How can I extract money from rich people on the spot?

NIMROD Offer to improve their Wikipedia pages for £50K each.

EMILYNE Does everyone has Wikipedia issues they need corrected?

NIMROD Yes.

EMILYNE walks between the tables at the Dorchester's Alain Ducasse restaurant, holding the umbrella she got. Stops and leans on the bar. Someone whispers ‘that is Jony Ive’.

EMILYNE Can I offer to rewrite your Wikipedia page, Sir, or your company's page?

JONY IVE I'm afraid my Wikipedia page is very tiny.

EMILYNE It should be bigger.

JONY IVE What will you add to it?

EMILYNE Who are you?

JONY IVE Oh, I thought you knew.

EMILYNE Soz. I have no idea.

JONY IVE I'm a designer.

EMILYNE Do you have a PayPal account?

JONY IVE (Pause)

Yes I do.

EMILYNE Done.

JONY IVE Done what

EMILYNE I'll need an advance.

STAFF MEMBER Is this lady bothering you, Sir?

JONY IVE She's trying to solicit Wikipedia services.

EMILYNE (To staff member)

Do you not allow such interactions in the bar?

STAFF MEMBER I will go and check with the manager, if you'll excuse me.

JONY IVE I'd like my Wikipedia page to be deleted altogether to be honest.

EMILYNE (Seducing)

I can get rid of most of your tiny teeny page.

JONY IVE Just leave my name and nothing else?

EMILYNE Yes.

JONY IVE Thank you.

EMILYNE goes on a computer, clicks EDIT on IVE’s wiki page and deletes everything. Clicks ‘SAVE’.

INT. CAFE GRUMPY, HACKNEY.

NIMROD is working his shift. EMILYNE enters with a printer.

EMILYNE What else can I do?

NIMROD Be a life coach or self-help guru. Rich parents would pay a lot to invigorate their kids.

EMILYNE Why would they trust me though?

NIMROD You should do an inspiring TED Talk.

INT. EMPTY THEATRE HALL

NIMROD is helping EMILYNE drag custom-made T, E & D letters up on stage.

NIMROD What will you talk about?

EMILYNE Debt.

NIMROD For how long?

EMILYNE 18 minutes.

A VIDEO screen display of EMILYNE's TED Talk played on a laptop. NIMROD and EMILYNE are watching in a bus stop, with headphones.

EMILYNE (TED Talk)

Debt is fiscal waterboarding. It is Modern day torture. In recent times Labour has been completely divorced from employment, debt has become the sole power relation through which class warfare is waged from.

Applause from the glued-in fake crowd.

NIMROD nods and smiles.

EMILYNE (TED Talk)

People with large amount of debt are not poor, they are haunted. Their debt is valuable to others. Debt immediately acts at the global level, affecting entire populations. The indebted state of mind is a slave’s state of mind.

EMILYNE stops to sip water. Crowd is whispering. She steps back on the TED carpet. A slideshow of the debt food chain comes up. In the bus stop, NIMROD and EMILYNE looking at people walking past with Sainsbury's and Whole Foods bags. They look back at the lap top.

EMILYNE (TED Talk)

The growth rate of our middle class is viciously determined by debt. We live in a debt driven economy. Credit cards, mortgages, student loans. Our souls are being privatized. We go into debt just to enter the work market, not to win in. Modern debt isn't about calculated risk. It’s about keeping us working class submissive, obedient, grateful.

NIMROD pauses the video and looks at EMILYNE.

NIMROD As if you were ever working class.

EMILYNE I'm the exception.

NIMROD Right.

EMILYNE Unlike rich people, I’d spend ALL the money I’m given. Try giving a million poor people £100 each and they’ll spend 80% of it. Give it to one lucky person and he’ll probs keep 80%.

NIMROD The wealthy should be forced to spend.

EMILYNE They should read this.

EMILYNE throws NIMROD ‘How To Spend It’, a Financial Time supplement. NIMROD puts his piggybank on top of it.

INT. NIMROD'S BEDROOM

EMILYNE There's a USB printer, why can’t there be a USB shredder?

NIMROD Do you want to shred your debt?

NIMROD changes positions, EMILYNE rests her head on his elbow.

EMILYNE The bank sold my entire debt to a private debt collection agency.

NIMROD For how much?

EMILYNE Nothing. Nine hundred pounds.

NIMROD I could've bought it.

EMILYNE What would you do to collect it?

NIMROD My dreams are unconventional.

EMILYNE Fifty shades of debit.

EMILYNE and NIMROD snog and spoon. EMILYNE moans.

EMILYNE (Moaning)

I'm going to default on my loan.

EXT. (MORNING), EMILYNE ENTERS PORTFOLIO RECOVERY ASSOCIATES' OFFICES.

INT. MEETING ROOM

EMYLINE speaks to a bald men with a soft voice, Manchester accent, his name tag says BRIAN COX.

BRIAN COX (ASSOCIATE) Seizure.

EMILYNE Heart attack?

BRIAN COX (ASSOCIATE) We own your debt and will seize your possessions.

EMILYNE (Slams hand on table)

Done.

Mr Cox looks puzzled. EMILYNE slides a portfolio over his desk.

EMILYNE My debt is consumer debt. So you can't threaten me with prison.

BRIAN COX (ASSOCIATE) Some of it is government debt.

EMILYNE Well, you can take my house in Sussex but you’ll never take my freedom. It’s a leasehold.

BRIAN COX (ASSOCIATE) Your debt will be sold to much shadier people if you refuse to comply.

INT. NIMROD'S FLAT. EMILYNE ON HER OWN

EMILYNE TWEETS (phone screen): "Debt collectors just found out about my trust fund."

2nd TWEET: "Fund is nearly empty anyway. Gutted."

3rd TWEET: "Should I start an internet debt cam in my bedroom?"

4th TWEET: "Would you pay to see my debt?"

EMILYNE calls NIMROD.

EMILYNE (On phone)

You know property porn, where men get hard looking at horrid one bedroom flats in zone 5? So how about debt porn? Could I make money of it?

Call disconnected.

EXT. ROYAL AUTOMOBILE CLUB (A MEMBERS’ CLUB)

EMILYNE looking through the window at members playing squash and swimming. It’s steamy inside.

INT. ROYAL AUTOMOBILE CLUB RECEPTION

EMILYNE tries to sneak in to the club by walking backwards, moonwalking past reception. Receptionist stops her.

RECEPTIONIST I'm afraid you're no longer a member here.

EMILYNE I was here last night with friends and I owe you guys money. Let me in so I can pay.

RECEPTIONIST This trick won't work this time. I'm sorry.

EMILYNE wonders around town. Bored. Her Oyster card shows minus £21 on the machine. Her Uber account shows minus £12. Her Tinder Plus account has been terminated.

EXT. HACKNEY CANAL

EMILYNE plays with her dog PUPPY DELEVINGNE. He has an orange hoodie that spells his name. GEORGE LAMB comes in and starts playing with PUPPY.

GEORGE LAMB I'll give you five hundred for him.

EMILYNE He's got your hair.

GEORGE walks away with PUPPY.

INT. PORTFOLIO RECOVERY ASSOCIATES' OFFICE

THREE ladies, face covered with pink balaclavas barge into to Brian Cox's meeting room. They hold selfie sticks with BANANAS attached to them, instead of phones, pretending to document themselves.

They hold guns at everyone's faces.

LADY 1 (At gun point)

Give us all your debt.

EXT. SOMERSET HOUSE COURTYARD, LONDON FASHION WEEK

EMILYNE walks around numerous bizarrely dressed fashion people. She gets a phone call.

VOICE We've stolen your debt portfolio from Portfolio Recovery Associates'.

EMILYNE How does my debt look like?

VOICE It's just spreadsheets.

EMILYNE Can I come and get it?

VOICE It's ours now. You owe the money to us.

EMILYNE I never authorized the bank to sell my parents' debt in the first place.

Call disconnected.

EMILYNE walks out of London Fashion Week. Among all the fashionistas, TWO ladies in fluorescent turtleneck onesies follow her out. They sedate EMILYNE and drag her to Temple Station Underground. Tube doors close.

End of episode 1

EPISODE 2 SUMMARY

EMILYNE wakes up in Burning Man Festival to discover members of a shady debt collection firm waterboarding her for information.

She is positive she's been kidnaped by ISIS to a camp in Syria, due to the white Toyota trucks, black flags and the entire burning man concept.

At the end of episode 2 EMILYNE forms her own debt collection agency to chases both benefit debt, rich debt and steal other companies' debt, including liquidations. Dubbed the Uber of debt, using driverless cars to collect. NIMROD chasing her family’s spreadsheets for her.