THWUGA - 2009

A special edition of “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper”ESTABLISHED 1911, GEORGIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY, ATLANTA, GA  

TOTUESDAY

NOVEMBER 24, 2009

ONLINE: www.nique.net

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Almost 100 percent new content!

VOLUME 95, ISSUE 18

By Chris P. BaconBear Mediator

Photo by Emma Roids/Pictures not Books

Admissions cut with increased reading levelsBy Moe Ronn

Academic Mediocrity O!cer

MONSTER TRUCKS PUZZLING PAGEANT JOE COX

ECONOMIC PLUNGER

Bear named new Dean of Forestry

Photo by I.R. Drunk/Picture Taking People

Dean Bear oversees new mandates on in-creasing student awareness of forest !res.

Toilet paper shortages may lead to a lack of UGA diplomas

By Joe PlumberPlumber Extraordinaire

Photo by Emma Roids/ Pictures not Books

Schnei-Schnei Jones lifts his diploma up high at last May’s commencement ceremony. Jones and his fellow graduates could be the last of U[sic]GA graduates to receive their diplomas, due to the toilet paper shortage and economic downturn.

!e "agging economy has slowed the production of many commodities, including the toilet paper industry. !is shortage could have severe reper-cussions, includin’ one on diploma availability, a worry plaguing the U[sic]GA.

“!ere is de#nite concern that there might not be enough toilet paper with which to print our diplomas on come graduation day,” said Seymour Butte, director of both Administrations and

one of the Alcoholics Anonymous clin-ics in Athens. “We’ve been thinking of several replacements, but there aren’t many materials that hold as many advantages that toilet paper does. For example, we pride ourselves in telling prospective students that a Georgia degree holds many advantages. Like, if you had to go to the bathroom and it turns out that the owner forgot to stock up on toilet paper, well then you’ll be in luck as you’ll have your diploma. In fact, research shows that our diplomas

Last year, U[sic]GA decided to in-crease the minimum reading standards for incoming freshmen to the 3rd grade level. !e change resulted in a 50% cut in admissions.

!is decision was made in response to recent budget cuts by the University Sys-tem of Georgia’s Board of Regents (BoR) due to the economic downturn. !ese budget cuts have forced U[sic]GA to make cuts to their faculty size. Of which, the admissions sta$ was hit the hardest.

“Our sta$ is simply unable to go through the applications of the many oth-erwise #ne second-graders. To help them we increased the minimum reading stan-dards to aid our admissions sta$,” said Lou Pole, director of admissions.

Also because of budget cuts U[sic]GA has been forced to delay the hiring and re#lling of vacated faculty positions.

“!is downturn has made us unable to maintain the superb faculty that has pro-vided the students with the qualityparty-ing experience, we mean education, that we have provided for so long,” Pole said.

With the cuts in admissions, U[sic]GA can expect to maintain the similar stu-dent-faculty ratios compared to previous years, #nally bringin them in line with state day-care and child safety standards, a long-time goal.

U[sic]GA has found itself particularly hard-hit by this #nancial crisis. When the BoR announced the budget cuts they are expressed as a percentage or portion of the operating budget.

“Because we don’t have the promi-nence of other schools like Georgia Tech and whatnot, we can’t command as large of a research budget that would otherwise provide some support during these #nan-cially di%cult times,” said Harry Pitts, senior vice president for #nance admin-istration.

O%cials at U[sic]GA an-nounced last Friday that Smokey D. Bear has been named the new Dean of the Warnell School of Forestry and Natural Resources. Re-ports have come in from lo-cal residents claiming that Dean Smokey is not in fact

the well-known #re safety ad-vocate from the United States Forest Service public service announcements, but is in-stead a 456 lb. male black bear that had been seen lumbering around campus earlier in the week.

!e hire came as quite a shock to many at the school including the former Dean himself who was forced to "ee

through a second story win-dow after the bear was led into his o%ce with a trail of mixed nuts and assorted berries and locked inside. !e bear’s #rst order of business as the new dean was to run about wildly, knocking over tables, chairs, and bookshelves. !is redeco-ration was followed by an ex-tended nap on the antique ex-ecutive desk.

Although it was previously believed that they would inter-vene in the matter, the Board of Regents has decided to “let this one go,” according to the Board’s Vice Chair Richard D. Philips, “since it de#nitely can’t make things any worse there.” When reached for com-ment, Dean Smokey bared his

See Diploma, page 3

See Dean, Page 2

Hell Georgiawith

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Technique TOILET PAPER

City of Athens, Greece renamedIn an act to preserve national

pride, the Prime Minister of Greece announced Monday that after dealing with decades of dis-appointment and embarrassment, the citizens of Greece have elected to rename the nation’s capital and largest city, Athens, to end its as-sociation with its former sister city of Athens, Georgia.

Recent polls have indicated that many residents of the city have been confused for quite some time as to why the birthplace of such great ideas like democracy, philosophy, and modern science would be a%liated with a commu-nity that is home to the “cesspool of the South.”

Many went as far as saying that they actually hate the small Georgian city, its obsession with smushed-faced dogs, and the gen-eral lack of basic hygienic practic-es amongst the population. A tiny village on the outskirts of the cap-ital has even submitted multiple

proposals to the government, all outlining a plan to “summon the power of Zeus to sink the whole place into the ocean just like At-lantis!” stating that it would be “wicked awesome!”

Although the referendum was passed through Parliament on Sunday, there is still no o%cial word on what the new name will

By Hercules CacockpolousSenior Demi-god

actually be. Suggestions have been pouring in from across the coun-try with several along the lines of “!wU[sic]GAopolis,” and “Pis-sondawga”.

O%cials from the city of Ath-ens, Georgia declined to comment out of fear of being kicked into a “frickin’ huge bottomless pit” by a particularly angry Spartan.

Dean from page 1teeth and let out a loud roar before swiping his massive paw at the journalist, who su$ered only mild abrasions and a broken rib.

!ough it has only been a week since he was appointed to o%ce, the Dean’s term has not been without controversy amongst the student body. Allegations have arisen that Smokey may be of the

subspecies Ursus americanus !ori-danus, or as they are more com-monly known, Florida Black Bear. According to polls, a majority of students are, “plum angry,” at the thought of the university hiring a “doody-headed Gator fan!”

Not all of the university’s re-cent changes in faculty have been as disputed. Dean Scru$ Mc-Gru$, a 9-year-old Bloodhound

once used for hunting, has stream-lined the curriculum at U[sic]GA’s School of Law to include learning to sni$ out guilty culprits, bark madly, and bite if necessary. Dean G. Gecko, a student’s former pet lizard, has been rather successful at the Terry College of Business bringing the graduation rate up to an astounding 3.5%—its highest in years.

Photo by Iona Traktor/ Heavy Machinery

Citizens of Athens, Greece, demand name change following more than 200 years of humiliation due to another Athens institution.

By the Technique

If it’s your #rst year at Georgia Tech —or if you are a University of Georgia student lucky enough to lay eyes on this issue of the Technique—welcome to “To Hell With Georgia,” a very special edi-tion of the “!e South’s Liveliest College Newspaper.” In the fol-lowing pages you will #nd alco-hol, rednecks, farm animals and lots of dawgs.

We members of the Technique are often asked how the tradition of THWUGA began. Friends say that by producing such a “rag,” we Tech students merely perpetuate unfortunate stereotypes—of Ath-ens students as drunken rednecks and ourselves as geeks with infe-riority complexes—that are no longer as true as they once were. !e answer to these questions are the same every time; THWUGA is as much about us as it is about our rivals.

Some 97 years ago, the #rst edition of the Technique published on Nov. 17, 1911 was a four-page paper that focused primarily on the upcoming football contest with Georgia. It predicted, ar-rogantly and incorrectly, that the Jackets would triumph over the Bulldogs.

From these “modest” roots, the present day Technique came into being. And it is these roots that we as a sta$ honor when we produce

“To Hell With Georgia.” Over the years, the Technique

has produced various issues mock-ing UGA’s daily newspaper, "e Red and Black, and the constitu-ency it serves. It’s been called "e Rude and Bleak and UGA Today, and its lead story has ranged from airport security classes to Ford sponsorships.

But it is not the name of the paper or the content within it that matters most to us; it is the tradi-tion embodied in this issue that we hold dear—a tradition of inge-nuity and creativity that binds us together not only as a newspaper sta$, but also as a Tech commu-nity.

While the jokes may tend to be the same, lame or just plain crude, we stay dedicated to the fact of honoring our humble beginnings. Maintaining high journalistic standards and being the voice of Tech students is the primary concern of the Technique , but through this special issue we still keep alive the moniker of “!e South’s Liveliest College News-paper”.

So as you "ip through these 16 pages keep in mind it’s all in good humor and meant to make you thankful and proud to be a Jacket. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed creating it.

Remember, this issue is as much about you, me and Ma Tech as it is about UGA.

THWUGA: As much about us as them

Technique 3 TOILET PAPER

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www.nique.netsliver

Return to SC at the lost and found …or to GT police, they be all around…Just please, please return my key…why is the sliver box so freaking hard to #nd!Oh my gosh I know who the sliver editor is now!Why are there so many WREK haters that know absolutely noth-ing about the radio station?Bridget, you are beautiful.Esther, you are the cutest Asian ever.Emily, you are my one true love.Boys at Tech, you stinkkkkkkClint, I joined the sail club for you.Antonio from Twelth Night, you made Twelth Night the number one night of my life.When there are "ies on your roommates clothes, you know its time for her to clean her junk up.Trumpet player with the bright ‘roos, you make me smile.Edward, please marry me.What I’ve learned from Bellichick and Johnson is that going for it on 4th and 1 is okay. 4th and 2? Not so much.Math department is the nerdiest department...crosses CS and maybe EE!!!georgia tech-a drinking school with an engineering problemAnd its 1 am again, and I am tossing and turning thinking about you....DSP. Oh How you make me complete.!ey are coming to take me away haha, they are coming to take me away hoho...Citi presents the Exxon Mobile College of Management in spon-sorship with Tostitos!e only di$erence between being charming and creepy is the reaction.GT PARKING BLOWS THE BIG ONEWho are these people?freshman survival guide only helps to a certain degree, whether you can survive at tech still depends on how smart you areI sense a disturbance in the bogus

accrue more value after such us-age. If we were to switch materials then there would be no advan-tage,” Butte said.

Some think this break from tradition represents a grave threat to the university.

“It’s been the time-honored tradition to print our diplomas on high quality toilet paper. We’ve already broken from our other traditions like upgrading the min-imum required reading level to the third grade. Besides, why do I need to take English? I already know English. It’s unpossible for me to fail it. Look at what’s hap-pened ever since the switch: en-rollment’s already dropped 50%. A change to our diploma material would be a greater threat to our institution than mandating a basic level of hygiene,” said Jim Shorts,

an irate redneck who didn’t actu-ally attend U[sic]GA.

Actual Georgia students are split upon the possibility of a change.

“I mean, what’s going to like happen if we had to like go back-packing like in the woods or some-thing? You know what I mean? Like I wouldn’t have needed to pack extra toilet stu$ as I could have just brought my diploma. If I were to bring extra toilet stu$ then I wouldn’t be able to bring all my old Sports Illustrated issues back when our football team was still number 1,” said Heywood Jablomey, a 12th year senior ma-joring in Cowbell Instrumenta-tion.

Other students think the change is a good thing.

“As for Yablomey, I’ve got an idea as to what he can use those old issues for. Anyways, who cares

what the diplomas are printed on? !ey can use whatever type of pa-per they want for all I care like tis-sue or graphite. !e real value is in the education we receive. After all, you never know when you have to weave baskets underwater,” said Jenny Tulls, a 6th year Underwa-ter Basket Weaver.

!ough the discussion remains heated, o%cials are con#dent a so-lution is close. “Here at Georgia, we believe in tradition but that doesn’t mean we won’t embrace something new. I mean, it was ac-ceptable before to date our cous-ins and once it became frowned upon, some students persisted. Now look at the progress we’ve made, reports of inter-cousin she-nanigans at Athens are down 10% this year! I am supremely con#-dent that Georgia will weather this storm like it has previous ones,” Butte said.

Diploma from page 1

Late last week, renowned cryp-tozoologist Dr. Fanny O’Rear arrived in Athens to personally continue his search for the artist apparently using U[sic]GA build-ings as his or her artistic canvas.

In a recent interview about his new mission, O’Rear stated, “From the evidence so readily ap-parent, it is clear to me we must be dealing with a living specimen of man’s Cro-Magnon ancestors. !e faculty was dubious at my #rst insistent pleas to commence a search. !ey ignored me for weeks; taking the opportunity to constantly lambaste me that the only possible explanation of such art on their campus would be in-visible aliens or a rather intelligent farm animal.”

However, Dr. O’Rear’s mo-ment came when bipedal prints appeared under the newest work. Most everyone has rapidly shifted to Dr. O’Rear’s theory believing no other as a possibility. !e fac-ulty, in a move to identify if this individual is hiding among the student body, has dispersed artis-

Mysterious cave drawings revealed

By Art SyfartsyCaveman

tic aptitude tests.“We will feel so proud if this

caveman is among our students,” said Professor Gripes, “never have I held out so much hope that a U[sic]GA student could have such a talent to develop.”

Graders have refused to pres-ent the results of the examination. Rumors suggest that multiple students have met the criteria for the suspected specimen. However, Gripes shared some of his hopes as to the eventual conclusion.

Gripes said, “Never had I thought it possible, but here we just may be able to identify a pre-historic person by intelligence. !ink of what may be revealed when he or she is discovered. Could it even be that he is of a clan that has survived here at U[sic]GA with little or no genetic harm since the establishment of this institution? I #nd that to be my grandest dream now that I have witnessed this U[sic]GA en-vironment.”

In related news, Geico, hav-ing heard the possibility of a liv-ing Cro-Magnon, has changed its tagline to “So easy a dawg could do it.”

Photo by I.R. Something

U[sic]GA o"cials call in professionals to investigate recently dis-covered cave drawings on academic buildings across campus.

Photo by Michael James / Student Publications

See this? This really happened. No exaggeration, elaboration or explanation needed. Now that the game is being played on the Jackets’ home turf, it’s the Dawgs chance to not mess up.

FAIR WARNING

We Thunk It Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets! —Spongebob Squarepants

Opinions Editor: Esther Bunni

“”OUR VIEWS CONSENSUS OPINION

Save real majors from cutsLaw school should be eliminated due to budget constraints

We feel like we need to speak out against the injustices of cutting the bud-gets of all schools on campus equally, when the most of students will be hurt by such allocations. Instead of lettin all departments su!er in these trying eco-nomic times, we should be brave enough to simply cut the departments that real dawgs don’t need and save the real majors from cuts that we don’t like.

Although we see the importance of de-partments such as the law school to the few students enrolled there, most students at U[sic]GA would not feel the loss of those majors. By cuttin from their depart-ments, we can ensure that there is enough money to sustain the departments that are the lifeblood of our university, like football.

When faced with a crisis like statewide budget cuts, everyones gotta wanna make sacri"ces and agree to scale programs back to the core of what bein a Dawg means.

For the majority of students here, we

can agree that the schools that matter are those we can actually make a living o! of when we graduate like Crop Sciences and Animal Husbandry.

No one will miss the law school stu-dents constantly using big words in the dining hall and insisting that animals be contained to one side of campus and not allowed to graze freely. Plus, their soon-to-be empty buildings can be demolished to have more room for farming land.

If just cuttin the law school does not free enough money to save other depart-ments from cuts, we then suggest cutting the math department. Not failing Ge-ometry would help boost all of our GPAs anyway.

We’re hopin that the administration seriously considers our proposal for the common good. By gettin the law school, they maintain the best interests of the majority of students, and besides, hav-ing less lawyers in the world would be an added bonus.

EDITORIAL CARTOON BY AVA SECTEMY

THINGS YOU THOUGHT LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Bail for underage drinking arrests cuts

into beer budget

Write to us: [email protected]

We welcome your letters in response to THWGA content as well as topics relevant to campus. We will print letters on a timely and space-avail-able basis.

Letters should not exceed 400 words and must not be written on any material other than paper. Napkins are ac-ceptable, but not preferred. While we appreciate the cre-ativity of play-dough represen-tations, videos of interpretive dances, ect, these mediums are not easily manipulated into print format and will not be published. Pictures must be originals and not taken from coloring books.

Letters must be submit-ted by Tuesday in order to be printed in the following Fri-day’s issue. Include your full name, year (1st, 2nd, etc.) and major.

!e Consensus Opinion re"ects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the THWUGA, but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors.

Technique Editorial BoardAnita Drank, Boss LadyBudda Face, Desperate

Bo Rang, Kentucky FumblerLolly Popper, SexpertMiss Guatemala, Race Relations ChairJosh Kidding, Football Is FunCass Tigate, Drunk LifeEsther Bunni, !oughts and Stu#

Spud Hasselho!, Money GetterSans Cannabis, Etch-a-Sketch Draw-er Swan Lake, Prettiness DoerTotalia Feminista, Arrested DevelopmentTa-Bibbity Boppity-Boo, Old News

THWUGA

4Tuesday,

November 24, 2009

!ere should be laws against out"t robbers

Barbie Horton 8th-year Fashion History

Jack Daniels1st-year Animal Husbandry

Technique 5 WE THUNK IT

According to my friend Mr. Spacey, in 2012 the world will end.

My friend Mr. Sandberg told me that will happen too, unless my good friend Mrs. Palin runs for president. #at is a scary future.

My professor in typin’ class told me that the future is tech-nology. #at means that tech-nology is scary, and I think we should stop it.

My professors keep tryin’ to teach me things about technol-ogy, but I already learned all I need to know about technol-ogy from the only good tech-nology, television.

According to that Mr. Baldwin on television, aliens are taking over the internets with their alien hulu-hoops and are gonna slurp our brains out. I need my brains remem-berin thing, not for slurping, so that’s not good.

Plus, in that Terminator movie the internet went up into the sky and took over the world and tried to kill us all.

I have seen my friend from that smart person school Tech on the internet before, and it looks real boring and nerdy, so I don’t understand it, and my friend Mr. Beck from TV taught me that stu! I don’t un-derstand is all evil and bad and nazi-communist, so internet is bad too.

As a side note, could some-one explain to me what a nazi-communist is?

See, the way I see it, it’s only a matter of time until technol-ogy gets smarter than us. I "gur’ my smartness is about level 9, and I saw on TV that the new-fangled Windows technology was already at level 7.

#at’s only 4 more levels until the Windows is smarter than me. Why do we even need smart windows? My win-dows are not smart, and they are just "ne for looking out of and stu!. Even the windows at those other smart-folks schools seem "ne. #ey work real well every time I throw a brick at them.

I also heard that our school has some technologi-"ed ma-jors, like that engineering thing that they do at Tech. I do not think we should do that, since having engineering technology types around just means that there will be people to turn into cyborgs when the robots try to take over.

See, if we have people in the rooms with the computers when they attack, those people

will all go "rst, so we should all stay at least two turnip "elds away from computers all the time. Except on game day, then somebody should stay next to the computer to make sure the game clock works. Our idea to let the game clock turn into a cyborg and run itself did not work well last week, maybe thats why those dumb kitty-cats beat us dawgs.

Cyborgs are the scariest part of the future. #ey are like people, but instead of hav-ing skin and eating possums and tippin’ cows for fun, they are covered in computers and eat brains and kill us all for fun.

Between the TV people on the internet doing the hulu-hoop and eating our brains and the zombies that were running around campus a few weeks ago, I don’t think I can protect my brain from any more technologies.

Shoot, I have been so busy protecting my brain that I haven’t even had time to use it. Fortunately, my friend Mr.

Limbaugh told me I don’t have to use my brain. He and Mr. Beck will tell me what to do so I don’t have to use my brain to protect it from the evil technologies.

#at’s real good, because I can listen to them all day long on that news site on the inter-nets. I guess that’s technology, kinda, but if it includes Mr. Beck’s approval, then I guess it’s ok.

We should at least control that dang technology to only be used to hear what we need to do for the day and think while we protect our brains from slurping and the $ying sky internets.

We need to keep control-ling technology, not letting it control us. When clocks do stu! like tellin’ us what time it is, or radios tell us what day of the week it is, that’s just one more step towards the end of the world.

#e technologies will get us, unless we get them "rst. #at’s why we have to keep doin’ stu! like turnin’ the game clock o! at the end of the game when we are losing. Because remember, if no-one takes a picture of a technology telling us we are losing, then we ain’t losing.

On that note, we should destroy cameras, since they are gonna capture your soul, which is a lot like your brain. Let’s all join together and shun those scary technologies.

Technology is just plain evil and dumb“Plus, in that Terminator

movie the internet went up into the sky and took over the world and tried to kill us all.”

Anita DrankBoss Lady

Albert Cohaulic!ird-year Basket Weaving

“ Screaming at the football games. WHOOO!”

Amanda HuginkissFirst-year Bovine Sciences

“Like, partying and stu!.”

Moe LesterSecond-year Forestry

“Drink. Or smoke. Or both!”

Maya Butreaks!ird-year Animal Husbandry

“Wranglin’ cows n’ stu!.”

What is the best way to spend your weekend?

!"##!"#$%&'()*+$,

UGA is famous for one thing, our football program. We have always been titans of the SEC, athletes so strong that it didn’t matter that we couldn’t spell our own names, a team that was so uni"ed we could spend thousands of dol-lars on uniforms that changed nothing about how well we played the game.

But now, our program is in shambles. #e Dawgs have been bitten hard, and it is the fault of one man. No, not Head Coach Mark Richt, may he be praised.

No, not defensive coordi-nator Willie Martinez, may he pay for his sins. #e man behind this evil curse, this un-natural arrangement, is none other than the orange-shirted jorts-wearing devil himself, Tim Tebow.

From a young age Tim Tebow showed an unnatural predisposition for cursing the glori"ed Dawgs. Our angelic black and red were $ying high, proudly bearing the honor of Dawgs before us when the young T(evil)bow "rst threw a football, a day in which dawgs worldwide felt a pang crack-ing right through our favorite bone, but did not know why.

As the years progressed, our team soared above all others, until this year. #is year, as a senior, Tebow’s voodoo power has come into full force. #e evil pacts he made during his years “helping others” and “volunteering” seem to have

increased his popularity be-yond bounds.

His need to maintain “mor-als” and “Christian values” ba%e us on the football "eld. How can we play football if we obey laws of decency? #e only way to play is to hold, foul, and grab face-masks for almost 100 yards of penalty, like we did against then Kentuckians, and that didn’t even let us win.

#at’s is because of Tim Tebow. Before he started playing with his high-falutin throwin’ and complete passes, the only way to play football was to run at the other guy and try to hurt them without those guys in the striped shirts throwing you o! the "eld for fouls. Whatever. Ain’t nothing foul about a good smackdown.

#ere ain’t gonna be any more Saturdays in Athens this year, and that’s a good thing. #e humiliation dealt to us at the hands of that evil, moral-istic, super-successful and be-loved Tim Tebow was just too much to handle.

After driving down to Jack-sonville to play them where

they whooped us, we had to watch their team sit at the top of those fancy footballin’ charts all year long while our righteous Dawgs fell o! the lists.

Who cares if our team quarterback couldn’t complete a pass playing against a 12-and under team? Who cares if we lost to Kentucky for the "rst time in 32 years at home, when they were playing with a fresh-man QB half the time.

Who cares if the only bowl we will get to go to is the Toilet Bowl. We are the Dawgs, and the Dawgs are number one. Or we would be, if it wasn’t for that Tebow.

And now we have to go and play another top ten team this week. Now sure, they don’t have the evil voodoo powers of Tebow on their side, but they got some sort of magical op-tion stu! that our team just don’t understand.

Football isn’t about options, its about "ghtin’, and barkin’ and goin’ home and chugging down some Keystone Light. #ere ain’t no options in that,

so there shouldn’t be no op-tions on the "eld.

All’s I know is that we’ve got to stop having so many blasted options to play with and just choose the only one that is acceptable and that is to win. It just ain’t possible with Tebow around bringing us all down.

#is Paul Johnson guy they got thar at Tech sounds like he might be crazy like Tebow. He not only has options dur-ing the game, but three! #at is just plain unacceptable. He just needs to pick. I know I can’t handle three options, and the rest of our players certainly can’t.

So, in response to this world-wide anti-Dawgs plague that is taking over the great state of Georgia, I have a sug-gestion. Let’s just do like the scoreboard guy does at the end of the games when we are losing. Instead of showing up on Saturday, let’s just stay at home. Skip the football play-ing and get straight to the dog-gie-stylin’, the barkin’ and the Keystone Light.

#at way, Tim Tebow and that new crazy man Paul Johnson won’t have a chance to work their voodoo magic on us. We can’t lose if we run away or are too drunk to play and then aren’t even there.

#at way we angelic, pow-erful and majestic Dawgs can keep our honor, by running home with our tails between our legs.

Stupid Tebow’s vodoo makes us badder“Skip the football...That way,

Tim Tebow and that new crazy man Paul Johnson won’t have a chance to work their vodoo...”

Wes ConsinFootball Commentater

Photos by Sans Cannabis

Technique WE THUNK IT

Top 10 things I wish I knew before coming to U[sic]GA

So I love being a Dawg as much as any other U[sic]GA fan, but sometimes I wish that they had mentioned all the bad stu! I needed to pre-pare for before getting here. Here’s the 10 things you should know so you don’t get all confused like I did.1. S, E and C are not the only letters of the alpha-bet I need to memorize.

It took me half an hour just to write this one sen-tence. I kept having to look back at my SparkCharts cheat sheet for the other 23 letters.2. Beer pong is not a var-sity sport.

I spent four years in high school perfecting my beer pong skills, expecting to be a walk-on for the team. Turns out there ain’t one. I person-ally think it takes lots of skill to get a small ball in a small cup while drunk.3. 22 is too old for the Athens bar scene.

I started going to the bars downtown my freshman year, and even then I was one of the oldest people there. My senior year, I headed out with some friends only to discover that drinks were being served in baby bottles and sippy cups. Also, the “my-age-divided-by-two-plus-seven” rule didn’t really apply to half of the chicks at the bar.

5. “Donde esta la bibliote-ca?” actually has answer.

I thought this was just some funny-sounding phrase that I learned in my Mexi-can class. I never thought that there actually was one of these “la biblioteca” things. Actually, we have four on campus...who knew? I don’t really go in them at all, ex-cept to use the pisser on gameday. 6. Big trucks won’t !t in regular parking spaces.

I was used to driving my big truck into lots of di!er-ent-sized and di!erent-col-ored parking spaces at my high school. I was shocked to discovered how all these parking spaces are the same. One size really doesn’t "t all.7. Co-ed dorm rooms aren’t allowed.

Dern housing people won’t let me room with any females, even if she’s only my half-sister. How’s a man sup-posed to be the alpha male if he has to share a room with another Dawg?8. Ri"es are a !rearm, and

therefore aren’t allowed on campus.

First o!, what kind of col-lege administration would take away our beloved Sec-ond Amendment rights? What if I needed to shoot a squirrel to get some late night grub? Or what if I wanted to shoot some skeet between classes? #is blows.9. The Arch on campus is not actually McDonald’s.

With all this talk about the “Arch” and its traditions at U[sic]GA, I was disap-pointed that they weren’t actually talking about Mc-Donald’s, the most luxurious and gourmet eatery that I’ve ever been to. Instead I was served a super-sized dose of learnin’. I’m NOT lovin’ it.10. You actually need a driver’s license to drive in Athens. I always thought that Ath-ens was some magic fun zone where you didn’t need a license. I looked up to the football team and took after their example, which didn’t work out so well after all...

OUR VIEWS HOT OR NOT

Beer is yummy

HOT– or –NOT“How’s a man supposed to

be the alpha male if he has to share a room with another

dawg?” Monty Zooma

O!cial CounterTebow sucks

!anksgiving turkeys Algebra now required

Drunk Life Organization Spotlight: Club CrayolaClub that promotes the practice of coloring inside the lines as well as safe crayon usage (e.g. crayon-in-nose prevention methods).Contact: www.thwuga.net

THWUGA

7Tuesday,

November 24, 2009

By Kandi CottonMonster Truck A!cionado

!e U[sic]GA Parking De-partment began construction last week to meet demands for more available space, though not in the typical way.

Bombarded by a sea of de-mands, Parking has been forced to begin construction of a new garage that is equipped to handle the very large pick-up trucks that are so common on the Athens campus.

Bobby Joe, eighth-year poultry engineer and mud-tire a"cionado, said, “It’s about time they recog-nized the needs of the student body. It was criminal how they expected us to get by with trucks we didn’t need a ladder to get into. I just don’t feel like a man if my tires aren’t bigger than whatever car I’m driving next to.”

Billy Bob, Joe’s second cousin and step-brother, agrees. “I just can’t believe how ill-equipped the campus is right now. Yesterday, I just stood by in horror as my little sister was told she couldn’t even "t her tires in the garage. How exactly is she supposed to pick up Bobby Joe for their date in a car that small?” Bob said.

Very large “monster trucks” are common among the campus as many students feel that whom-ever has the largest truck is often the most masculine and truly a U[sic]GA fan. Students can often be seen in the student parking lots admiring each other trucks and comparing the size of their trucks.

!e trucks are also very important to the students because they are believed to attract only the truest Georgia fans as mates.

Parking administrators say they are concerned they may have to receive special clearance to build the garage.

Johnny John !orton, Dean of U[sic]GA’s College of Parking, said, “As it was, the structure was already set to tower over every other building in Athens. With the popularity of this new design-er line of 82 inch tires, though, we’re set to break records.”

While the structure is con-structed, students whose trucks don’t "t in current parking garag-es are making do in a pasture just o# of campus.

!is has raised concerns over the health of the school’s cheer-leaders, as the pasture was one of their favorite after-practice graz-ing spots.

Jane Joe, cheerleading captain and mother of Bobby Joe, said, “I’m worried one of my girls might choke on a lugnut or worse, take a chunk out of a tire while they’re eating. I mean, when you’re hun-gry, those things look mighty tempting.”

At the time of press no un-fortunate incidents had occurred between the school’s cheerleaders and the “big trucks” parked in the "eld.

It is believed that the truck owners are being given special treatment by the Parking o$ce because they often heavily con-tribute to the school’s revenue by

Parking department erects garage in order to house ‘big trucks’

Photo by Alison Wanda Land/ Picture People

The U[sic]GA Parking Department is erecting a much bigger parking garage to allow ample space for the large quantity of students that drive big monster trucks and park on the Athens campus.

the monster truck rallies that they put on every year.

For these events Sanford Sta-dium is converted into a large

monster truck rally show. !e show regularly sells out and al-ways proves to be a favorite for the Athens locals who often donate

their “beater” cars from their front yards and to the competition for the “monster trucks” to perform their jumps over during the show.

Enforcement of underage drinking laws causes recessionBy Dina Soars

Professional Beer Taster

Incredibly low test scores and high pregnancy rates in the Ath-ens area have left o$cials for the city searching for a solution.

Government o$cials identi"ed underage drinking as the main source of the problem, forcing po-lice to "nally take action in fully enforcing the 21 and over drink-ing age.

Police sprang into action by pa-trolling every liquor store and fra-ternity in town, as well as forcing everyone over 21 to wear highly monitored wristbands in order to regulate drinking in fraternity houses.

Unfortunately, a crackdown on underage drinking laws has caused a dramatic downturn in the local Athens eonomy. Since the crackdown, 1,000 jobs have been cut, 500 small businesses (mostly liquor stores) have gone bankrupt and homeless rates have increased tenfold.

“We didn’t realize how much underage drinking was fueling our economy,” said Athens police o$cer Ophelia Pain.

It is pressumed that any other town enforcing underage drink-ing laws would not have had this drastic result but, since Athens is mostly a college town, this crack-down started a huge economic spiral downward that can only be attributed to the fact that U[sic]

GA is a huge party school. Economists say the recession

is not even close to being over in Athens; in fact, it will continue to get worse unless the drinking age goes back to being mostly un-enforced. !e city had remained mostly una#ected by the recent economic downturn that has plagued the rest of the nation up until the recent crackdown on the drinking age in Athens.

Additionally, depression rates among almost all of the underage students have skyrocketed since the crackdown.

“We get hundreds of students a day, who are feeling incredibly lonely since most of their friends were only party friends, and now that they are forced to be sober they don’t have anything in com-mon anymore,” said U[sic]GA psychiatrist Dr. Puma Pants.

Meanwhile, students and citi-zens of Athens alike have taken to the streets protesting this move by the Athens Police Depart-ment. Signs read from everything to “Give me alcohol or give me death” to “Drinking makes us happy.”

!e strong public outcry and economic downturn has prompt-ed police to reconsider their poli-cies, but so far no changes have been made.

!e city has petitioned the governor and alumnus, Sonny Purdue, to declare the city in a state of emergency.

Photo by Dick Burns/ Picture People

Hundreds of students protest the local police enforcing the 21 and over drinking age. The city of Athens is experiencing very di!cult economic times because of the lack of beer and liquor sales.

!is space provided as a public service by the Technique.

To Hellwith

Georgia!

!is space provided as a public service by the Technique.

To Hellwith

Georgia!

Technique DRUNK LIFE

By Anita HugOral Reporter

!is fall the English and Jour-nalism departments at the Univer-sity [sic] of Georgia have noticed an alarming trend—students and fans of the school seem to be re-gressing in what is historically one of their highest nationally rank-ing majors: remedial spelling of animal names. !e most recent spelling embarrassment for the student body came in a Facebook event page promoting fan atten-dance for U[sic]GA’s game against the University of South Carolina Gamecocks. !e tagline read, “Come watch our Dawgs beat the Cawcks.”

Even Philadelphia Eagles back-up quarterback and UGA fan, Michael Vick found the tagline spelling troubling.

“!ey really need to get their spelling together,” said Vick, “Other than that, I don’t really see any problem with it. It actually sounded pretty good to me.”

While it has long been a U[sic]GA tradition to struggle in aca-demic "elds, a recent study shows that U[sic]GA is seeing more and more students who truly believe

the word ‘dog’ is spelled “d-a-w-g.”

“But the truly concerning problem is that students and fans alike are starting to apply the same incorrect spelling to other everyday animals,” said Professor Drew Peacock, who was in charge of study. Peacock has found it particularly frustrating that an increasing number of his own stu-dents have begun misspelling his own name on papers and tests.

“On a number of occasions this semester I’ve had to reiterate to my class. My name is Professor DREW PEACOCK, not DREW PEACAWCK,” Peacock said.

According to the study, rough-ly 72% of incoming freshman stu-dents are having trouble spelling elementary animal names. !at same statistic rises to 87% for graduating seniors.

Another English Professor, Mike Hawk, who teaches intro-ductory animal spellings, has ex-perienced similar problems in his classroom as of late.

“!e name ‘Mike Hawk’ is a tricky one. Is it spelled H-O-K or H-A-W-K?” said Hugh Jass, a "rst-year Animal Spelling major.

U[sic]GA has been taking

some proactive steps in the mat-ter. Along with providing animal sound wheels (the kind that play correct sounds and spellings of animals) to students, the admin-istration has taken steps to work with the faculty to help correct

By Ima JacketMonkey Wrestler

Ian Azoo, third-year Animal Relations, is "nally home safely after a two-week long manhunt was brought to a close following his surprising discovery in the ba-boon pit of the Metropolitan At-lanta Zoo.

Zoo o$cials "rst sighted the naked man at 4 p.m. Friday, about three hours after his fam-ily reported him missing. Azoo’s communication with other pri-mates through grunts, barks, and yells led keepers to label the hairy Caucasian man as a rare albino pygmy monkey and he was kept at the zoo for two weeks before any suspiscion was raised.

During his two week stay, Azoo delighted and shocked visi-tors with his antics, which ranged from his frequent attempts to uri-nate on zoo sta#, to his penchant

for knocking zoo patrons uncon-scious with coconuts.

“I remember one time he grabbed this little girl’s head and ate her glasses,” handler Jerry Church fondly recalls. “And then he ate her gameboy too. !at’s when I knew he was special.”

Fellow keeper Joey Truth add-ed “!is one time he escaped and found the bottle of gin I hid in the back of my o$ce. We later found him attempting to mate with our African Rhino, Becky. We actual-ly thought we were viewing some incredible zoology research by see-ing a monkey attempting to mate with a rhino, I guess it turns out he was just really drunk. What a riot.”

Azoo is reportedly doing well and is back home, but he is insis-tent that he live outside. !e Uni-versity of Georgia has awarded Azoo an honorary bachelors of science in Animal Relations.

By Thomas TankSexpert

!e University Health Center at U[sic]GA will now receive a weekly order of 50,000 specially designed and reinforced condoms to prevent the alumni and student body from reproducing.

!e announcement is due to a recent joint proposition by Geor-gia’s Department of Community Health, Education, Community A#airs and Public Safety. !e Health Center is under state or-ders to completely distribute all condoms by the week’s end and before new order arrives.

!at means that all 50,000 special condoms must be distrib-uted to the student body very quickly.

!is maneuver is mainly due to a recent discovery by a group of Tech graduate students who undisputedly drew a direct re-lationship between U[sic]GA’s

numerous acts of unprotected fornication and the decrease in the state’s rate of employment, at-tendance of higher education and public safety in the past decade.

However, the research found a postive correlation to the ris-ing birth rate of “bulldog babies” and the rise in smog (presumably due to the increase in big trucks), water pollution (presumably from the rise in chicken farms) and junkyards. !e results were pre-sented to the State Departments listed above and direct measure where put into action right away.

“Athens’ revenues for the state from its University’s college tu-ition are too great for us to simply shut down the school all togeth-er,” said Willie Stroker, a repre-sentative from the Department of Community A#airs.

“We collectively believe that this is the best course of action to prevent further reproduction, which is the root of our problems,

while obtaining our ultimate goals. It’ll be a slow and painful process but we believe it is for the betterment of the state in the long run,” Stroker said.

Because of this rather drastic measure, U[sic]GA will undergo a series of alterations both on its campus and in its sta# composi-tion in the upcoming semester.

A special sub-branch will now be introduced to the Univer-sity Health Center, named Dawg Wrappers, solely for the purpose of distributing the weekly order of condoms to speci"c locations on campus. Fraternities and sorori-ties are the primary targets for the condom allocation, with certain dorms also added to the list.

Because of the large number of condoms that will have to dis-posed of weekly, a new system had to be devised to make sure the de-vices were properly disposed of.

As a result, Sanford Stadium will be remodeled into a high-tech

State mandates special condom use to prevent reproducing

Animal spelling problems causes embarrassment to students

advanced structure dedicated to disposing these condoms. U[sic]GA’s students will bring their used condoms in at the end of the week so the condom disposing com-mitte can bury them deeply under the campus grounds using its high- tech con-dom burying tech-nology.

“Not only did we a v o i d h a v -i n g t o r e -move the school al-together but, the proposed plan even allows for more employ-ment opportunities as both the Dawg Wrap-pers and the newly remod-eled Sanford Stadium require

more personnel to attend and construct, respectively,” said Tom Katt, another representative from the Department of Community A#airs.

“It’s really a win-win situa-tion,” Katt said.

Due to the large quan-tities of condoms needed

and the limited re-source of materials,

the specially rein-forced condoms

will have to be modi-

"ed from a l r e a d y e x i s t i ng

c o n d o m s around the

State. It was unani-mously decided by the

Department of Health that these shortages would

be "elded by shipments from less dangerous target groups, like pris-ons.

Student, confused with monkey, returned home

Photo by Anita Johnson/ Picture People

Ian Azoo has been returned to his home after he was mistaken for a rare albino pygmy monkey in the Atlanta Zoo. Azoo stayed in a cage with the baboons for two weeks until he was spotted.

this problem.“I’ve been putting a lot of pres-

sure on Professor Hawk lately. Hopefully we’ve already hit the climax of the problem and all of our hard work and e#ort will pay o#,” said English Department

Chair Payne N. Diaz. If the problem is not correct-

ed within the next year they are considering getting rid of reading altogether becuase it is becoming so much of a hassle to teach the students to spell.

Photo by Hung Wang/ Picture People

The English and Journalism departments at U[sic]GA are experiencing a di!cult time training their students to correctly spell many animal names. The word “dawg” from “dog” is especially a problem

Partyin [email protected] Editor:Luke Atmadik

THWUGA

11Tuesday,

November 24, 2009

By Hung WangSexual Investigator

!is year marked the celebra-tion of Sesame Street’s 40th anni-versary, a celebration that Georgia students took to the fullest. !e

Photo illustration by Jimmy Dean/ Picture People

Sesame Street thrilled fans at U[sic]GA during their Nov. 21 performance located in the !eld behind the abandoned shed. Many life-long followers along with newfound fanatics were in attendance.

entire Sesame Street crew came out for a special performance at the abandoned "eld, giving a nearly sold-out performance.

“I love Sesame Street,” said one of the fans, “It taught me every-thing I need to know about life, like counting.”

When asked if he brought his family, the student replied after much deep thought that all three of his mom’s and dad’s were pres-ent.

!e performance featured spe-cial guest stars, Elmo, Big Bird and the Cookie Monster. !e en-tire crowd went wild with excite-ment, from singing along to the ABCs to thinking critically for the much more intricate and com-plicated word games presented

later, like Hangman.While all students were excit-

ed, some were a little too excited. Elmo for example, on high securi-ty alert after receiving a du#e big full of photos of him doctored in with a local student as well as the words “LOVE ME” emblazoned on top with a red, runny sub-stance that may or may not have been blood.

“Elmo pretty chill with fans. But when Elmo sees ‘bwood’, Elmo knows that certain lines have been crossed,” said Elmo.

Tears were shed as the perfor-mance came to a close with many students packing their bags as they attempted to follow the tour for what they referred to as “the hottest show of the season.”

FUN THINGS

Sesame Street LIVE!RUN DATES: Nov. 20-Dec. 25

DIRECTOR: Elmo

VENUE: Field behind the abandoned shedSTARRING: Elmo, Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch and Snuffy

OUR TAKE: !!!!!

Sesame Street performs for die-hard students, fans go wild

Reality TV: U[sic]GA students overrun VH1 showsBy Luke Atmadik

Editor of Partyin Times

!e premieres of the new-est seasons of VH1’s increasingly popular Tool Academy and Rock of Love are approaching quickly and "lming is underway.

Interestingly enough, we found that U[sic]GA’s football team comprises the entire cast of Tool Academy 3, and the cast of Rock of Love: Trailer Trash is U[sic]GA sorority Chi Chi Chi (XXX).

!is season on Tool Acad-emy, the contestants will be put through a variety of relationship-building challenges, including confederate $ag weaving, mud-ding and keg stands. Rock of Love: Trailer Trash will be comprised of the Tri-Chis attempting to “win the heart” of rock star Bret Mi-

Comedians refuse to appear at U[sic]GA

By Ollie TaboogerTaste Expert

!e Entertainment committee of the University Union program-ming board has been experiencing a great deal of di%culty in secur-ing comedians and other similar acts for campus events for the up-coming year.

U[sic]GA has been placed on the black list of the National Comedy Association (NCA), which has prevented U[sic]GA from booking any comedy acts to perform on campus.

!e NCA is a union of co-medians from across the nation, and includes the most popular comedians that have appeared on Comedy Central, MTV and other

various networks. All bookings for major comedians go through the NCA.

According to the NCA, the reason for putting U[sic]GA on the blacklist is due to the extra work and e&ort required for co-medians to perform at U[sic]GA.

“!is is something that we’ve been considering for a long time. Every time we have done a show at U[sic]GA, we have to add on an hour to the show’s length in order to explain the jokes. !e humor just seems to go over students’ heads,” said Blaine Cook, the president of the NCA. “Our co-medians are passionate about tell-ing jokes, not explaining them.”

chaels by exposing skin.We had the opportunity to sit

in on the "lming for Tool Academy 3 and Rock of Love: Trailer Trash and interview the some of the con-testants.

“Usually, our shows are script-ed so that the ‘tools’ only appear to be huge tools and our Bret Mi-chaels girls pretend to be in love with him and be ditzy, but for this season we will actually just be able to "lm them in their natural state. Most of the football team already torments their girlfriends and our Tri-Chi girls would probably try sleeping with anything that breathes, so our job this season will be much easier than in the past,” said Jason Cruz, casting di-rector for both Tool Academy and

See Tool, page 13

Photo illustration by Lotsa Hicks/ Picture People

The National Comedy Association (NCA) has put U[sic]GA on their black list for comedians having to explain jokes to the audience.

See Comedy, page 12

Photo illustration by Willy O’Toole/ Picture People

Technique ENTERTAINMENT

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Rock of Love.“Filming the shows has been

somewhat of a challenge for the upcoming season because some of our contestants on the two shows overlap. !ere are a few girls who are actually on both Rock of Love and Tool Academy as a girlfriend, so we’ve had to be careful not to schedule "lming for the shows on the same day,” said Bob Rayburn,

Executive Producer of Rock of Love: Trailer Trash.

“We were surprised at the high caliber of contestants we found in the football players. We told them that they are going to be on a show called America’s Best Football Team. !e funny thing is, they ac-tually fell for it. And for some rea-son after we broke the news that the show is actually Tool Academy 3, they still seem to think they’re here because they’re the best foot-ball team,” Cruz said.

Tool from page 11

Statistics compiled by the NCA showed that during a typi-cal comedy performance at U[sic]GA, there is on average a "ve min-ute silence following each punch-line before laughter commences.

“!e audience really makes the performance. When the audience is really thick-headed, the perfor-mance just becomes a set of awk-ward silences. I don’t know if it’s

due to alcohol killing their brain cells, but obviously U[sic]GA stu-dents don’t have enough to under-stand a simple joke,” Cook said.

Members of the programming board have still expressed their confusion regarding the entire situation.

“We still don’t get it. Maybe if someone could explain this to us again in simple words, then we could understand,” said Jess Dumbo, president of the pro-gramming board.

We were shown a clip of the "rst episode when the team was told that the show is actually Tool Academy. Since the football team is dating the cheerleading squad, they thought that the arrival of their girlfriends was all part of the show America’s Best Football Team. Tune in to these exciting new sea-sons to "nd out if the football team ever "gures out what show they are "lming and which one of the Tri-Chis ends up with Bret Michaels.

Comedy from page 11

By Ivanna TinkleHead of Bathroom Duty

!is year’s U[sic]GA’s Aestheti-cally Based Scholarship Competi-tion was rocked with controversy when the judges didn’t realize that the wrong girl had been awarded the crown.

“!e room was "lled with mir-rors, and I thought I was receiv-ing the crown, sash and bouquet,” said Anita Knapp, a third-year Cosmetology Engineering major and the true winner of the com-petition.

“When I realized there was no crown on my head, I looked across the stage and saw a girl who looked just like me wearing my title.”

!e judges claim that they kept track of the 50 girls in the pageant based on whose hair was up and whose hair was down.

“All the contestants wore their hair down during the swimsuit portion of the competition so we lost track of who was who,” said Dusty Rhodes, a graduate Female Anatomy major and one of the judges of the competition.

!e Student Government As-sociation (SGA) led an investiga-tion on the physical homogeneity

of the U[sic]GA’s female popula-tion following this controversy.

“We tried to interview wom-en around campus about their thoughts of this homogeneity,” said SGA’s VP of Smartness Stu Pidcow. “However, we lost track of how many girls we’d inter-viewed and later realized that we had been interviewing the same girl all day.”

While scienti"c studies state that occasionally physically iden-tical appearance will occur in the form of identical twins, 94% of U[sic]GA’s female population is between 5’4 and 5’7, has blonde hair, blue eyes and at least one form of plastic surgery.

Several weeks after the pageant controversy, SGA discovered an underground network of makeup artists and plastic surgeons that train the U[sic]GA female popula-tion several weeks before the be-ginning of school.

!is underground network was initially installed to prepare wom-en going through formal recruit-ment. However, business con-tinued when U[sic]GA’s females discovered how easy it became to steal each other’s boyfriends when they all practiced the same two-hour hair and make-up ritual.

Wrong scholarship winner given crown

By Angie O’PlastyMedical Expert

As a proud conservative and adamant supporter of John Mc-Cain and Sarah Palin during the 2008 presidential elections, I must say that I am thoroughly dis-appointed with Palin’s new book, Going Rogue.

!e autobiography, with all its hype, fell short of my expectations and the expectations of thousands of students who were looking for-ward to a fun and exciting read about an exciting woman.

I showed up to Barnes and No-ble for the midnight release party and participated in Palin trivia and faming games for six hours until I could get my book. Dur-ing trivia, I was able to correctly answer that Levi Johnston, Palin’s granddaughter-daddy who posed nude in Playgirl a few days ago, actually has an eight-pack instead of a six-pack.

I won a free copy of the book for knowledge on Palin family drama.

Once the book was in my hand, I quickly $ipped through the pages and was dismayed to

"nd a lack of colored pictures. My eyes were greeted by pages and pages of text, and I could feel my eyes beginning to water and burn.

I began to feel dizzy and slammed the book shut when I was reminded by a fellow U[sic]GA student that reading can cause brain cancer.

Nevertheless, I decided to risk cancer and read the book. Once again, I was disappointed. From the title, Going Rogue, I was led to believe that a certain X-Men character would grace the plot of Palin’s life. Rogue, however, was conspicuously absent from all 400 pages.

To all those thinking of buying this book, save yourself from the brain cancer you might get. It’s not worth it. I give this book two paws down.

Palin’s Rogue too long, wordy

PEOPLE CAN READ?

Going RogueWRITER: Sarah PalinPUBLISHER: HarperCollinsGENRE: AutobiographyPAGE COUNT: 432RELEASED: Nov. 24, 2009

OUR TAKE: !!!!!

Photo illustration by Richard Long/ Picture People

Photo illustration by Booty Dew/ Picture People

Technique SPORTS

Cox confused by name-based humor

By Mike SweeneyComes through in the clutch

U[sic]GA !fth-year senior quarterback Joe Cox doesn’t un-derstand why people think his name is so funny, people close to the football player said.

“He just doesn’t get it when we try to explain it to him,” said Cox’s roommate and close friend, Jack Ho". “#e joke is completely over his head.”

According to several of Cox’s friends and acquaintances, the quarterback doesn’t understand why people laugh at his name.

“When people bring it up, it really seems to get him throbbing mad,” another source said. “And there is nothing worse than a red, angry, Cox waving around in your face, ready to blow.”

Flint McGee, a third-year Turf Management student, tried help-ing Cox make the connection to

New ticketing policy empties stands

Student Publications

This Kennesaw State student, who was already confused about his per-sonal identity, cannot attend Georgia games under the new ticket policy.

www.nique.net

to the guys studying awesome ‘hard’ calculus and discussing how they keep their roommate out of their room during sex by writ-ing ‘predicted end time’ on the door: NO ONE CARES. YOU ARE NO PIMP!4th Floor 8th St E. I am going to come over there and shove your laser pointer up your @$$professors dont give a damn about dead weekI’ve seen this girl all over campus at random places, and I want to know her, she is gorgeous!I don’t even know your name...not all red heads at tech are ugly... open your eyes.girl who asks stupid questions in social psych: i hate you.To guy in red car: Sorry I pulled out in front of you on my bike. I may have still been drunk from the night before and I may have been late for a test.THWG!!!!Getting stoned means two completely di"erent things depending on what time period you’re from.Without me, everything is just aweso.I dread locks.GT Parking is an absolute joke. I’m now paying to park at a meter AND paying a ticket because you aren’t competent enough to maintain your equipment. I now want to be a d-bag Alum just soWhy should the Board of Regents care about increasing student fees? Bartering was still the major method of monitary transfer when they were students...Technique, you can do better than using failing logic and incor-rect facts to insult SGA. Yes, there may be problems, but there are much worse culprits of incompetence – try housing or parking or…NY Times Article “Georgia Tech’s Bedford Makes Time for Spread Option and D’Alembert’s Paradox “THE TECHNIQUE IS TECHNOLOGIC- J-LAWTECH NEEDS CAMERAS!!!we gotta start making classes easier or no one will want to come here

By Uga LeeTransfer student

Georgia fan attendance plum-meted at last weekend’s football game against Kentucky after a ticketing snafu only allowed actu-al U[sic]GA students and alumni to attend the game.

It is believed that the U[sic]GA athletic department was up-set that, as a result of Georgia’s poor performance on the !eld this season, thousands of seats went unsold to U[sic]GA fans for the Auburn game the week before and were subsequently purchased by Auburn fans.

#e department’s ticket master, Cletus Hicks, believed it would be better to allocate the tickets for the Kentucky game to the people that they knew would be “real” Georgia fans.

Hicks instituted a new system restricting entry to only students with valid U[sic]GA ID cards or alumni with valid Charmin-based diplomas. In the process, he for-got that the majority of game-day seats are !lled by people who nev-er attended the university[sic].

“I guess I just got so upset about all them darn Tiger fans be-ing around here and I thought to myself, ‘Cletus, why don’t you just give the tickets to you know who will be real Dawg fans?’ I guess I forgot that most of our fans didn’t actually graduate,” Hicks said.

#e stands in the designated Georgia areas were near empty with the exception of the stu-dent section. However, many in the student section could not be counted as present because they were not considered conscious.

Despite the lack of tickets to the game, thousands of U[sic]GA fans from other schools still came and tailgated for their usual day-long menagerie of mullet contests, bobbing for pig feet and mother-daughter Jell-O wrestling.

“I was really upset when I learned I couldn’t get into the game,” said Billy Bob Busch, a Kennesaw State University stu-dent. “I was basically forced to tailgate here for about eight hours. Well, on second thought I guess that’s about the same as what I do already every game day.”

After learning about the ticket-ing problem, the football program decided to o"er complimentary tickets to the snubbed fans for the Toilet Bowl.

“#is event has taught us the importance of our trusted fair-weather fans,” Hicks said.

As a result of the ticketing problem the city of Athens expe-rienced a drastic decrease in rev-enue because of the lack of beer sales in the area.

Beer sales, especially Keystone Light sales, support the majority of the city’s functions. #e lack in revenue means that the city may not be able to put on as many trac-tor pull events this year.

no avail. “I saw the look in his eyes and I realized it was just beyond him. #ere was just no way it was going to happen,” McGee said.

#e incidents have served as a !rm, pulsing reminder of the dan-gers of humor around the func-tionally illiterate.

“It’s gotten to the point now where we won’t talk about it,” one teammate said. “If anyone brings it to attention, we have to deal with [Joe] Cox getting in our face. I don’t know what the team will do if Cox explodes on us one more time.”

Another teammate added: “#e sooner we move on, the sooner we can get this behind us and go back to playing football, or at least tryin’.”

Phone calls and e-mails to Cox were not returned, but friends worry that his recent struggles against mediocre competition will result in even more jokes.

Picture People

One of Joe Cox’s few remaining fans shows support for the quarterback. Cox himself was oblivious to the double-edged nature of the comment.

sliver

Technique 15 SPORTS

tween the turf and real grass.“It’s such a problem just start-

ing that now we have to o$cially block o" all entrances of the sta-dium,” Wieser said.

“It’s a good thing we’re not playing any more games for the rest of the year, because that !eld has some intense damage on it. It

Grazing

“Tackling dummy” drill leads to brawl, shuts down practiceBy Chuck Myseck

Dummy-in-chief

U[sic]GA football head coach Mark Richt and defensive coordi-nator Willie Martinez had to stop football practice last week after several dozen defensive players were injured in a common tack-ling dummy drill.

#e incident occurred after Martinez had the !rst- and sec-ond-string defensive units line up in front of the dummies.

“I just told them to ‘tackle the dummies.’ Nothing really out of the ordinary,” Martinez said.

When the drill began, all of the defensive players on the !eld simultaneously started tackling each other. Some also ran across the !eld and tried to bring down running backs conducting a sepa-rate o"ensive drill.

“We run this drill to help them simulate a game. As soon as I blew my whistle, they lunged towards each other,” Martinez said.

Many of the U[sic]GA players explained that they were confused by the instructions.

“Everyone in the media kept talking about how tackle dum-mies would have done a better job than we have, so I got scared at facing the real talent. We have to work our way to that level,” said junior nose tackle Imma Eatu.

Martinez watched from the top of the sled as they each fruitlessly attempted to wrestle each other to the ground.

“It was like watching animals !ght in the wild. #ey ram each other a lot but nothing really hap-pens,” Martinez said.

Martinez and Richt attempted to rectify the situation the next day by placing signs labeled “HIT ME” on the dummies.

Unfortunately, the signs caused even more confusion when the players just stared while trying to read the characters on the papers.

Martinez told the players to “sound it out” and “take it one let-ter at a time,” with little success.

#e next day Richt replaced the original signs with pictures of their cousins. #e players started tackling and lunging toward the dummies immediately.

Picture People

Georgia defensive players cause chaos at a practice after misinterpreting the term “tackling dummy.” The team’s well-publicized inability to tackle properly led the team to believe Willie Martinez was mocking them.

won’t be easy to repair.”#ere have been e"orts to calm

disgruntled fans and alumni who are wary of the break from tradi-tion in replacing the grass. Many consider changing the surface to be sacrilege.

“#e new turf will be painted black. #ere will also be free eye protection kits handed out during games and when we play Florida

again in Jacksonville. We will also be placing pots of chocolate gold around Sanford Stadium. Hope-fully, the shiny and edible trinkets will be able to distract them long enough until the season is over,” Wieser said.

O$cials are having a di$cult time !nding those responsible for the !eld damage. “We’ve tried reprimanding the cheerleaders

responsible for the acts, but the problem is that we can’t seem to tell any of them apart,” said Ima Doubledee, cheerleading coach and director. “It’ll take at least two years before we’re able to separate who from who and !gure out who the real culprits are.”

While the !eld is being re-placed, the doors leading to the !eld will still be chained and

locked starting Wednesday. A decision on what to do with

the stadium’s famous hedges has not yet been issued.

Athletic department o$cials have expressed interest in replac-ing the hedges with arti!cial repli-cas, concerned that the cheerlead-ers would simply begin munching on the hedges after the Astroturf is installed.

Tailgatin’ Sports Editor:

THWUGA

U[sic]GA accepts bid to inaugural Toilet BowlBy Paige Turner

The most interesting journalist[sic] in the world

After their home loss to Kentucky on Saturday night, the U[sic]GA football team has accepted a bid to play in the inaugural Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl.

#e game will be played on Dec. 28, and U[sic]GA’s opponent has yet to be determined.

“#is is a great opportunity for Georgia football to represent the SEC...Our season has gone down the drain, but we can at least look forward to the Toilet Bowl,” U[sic]GA Head Coach Mark Richt said.

Even though the Bulldogs’ opponent has not yet been determined at this point, Vegas already has list-ed U[sic]GA as 23-point underdogs.

#e game will basically be a home game for the Bulldogs because the contest will be held in Sanford Stadium. Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans said this was a big selling point for the Bulldogs.

“Getting a bid for a home bowl game was de!nite-ly a load o" my shoulders,” Evans said.

Just as the Orange Bowl is a symbol of the game’s location of Miami, Fla., the Toilet Bowl signi!es the widespread belief that Athens, Ga. is the world’s crap-piest city.

#e Toilet Bowl will be the last chance for U[sic]GA fans to see their hero, senior quarterback Joe Cox, take his last colligate snap.

“I’m just so ready to get this season over with,” Cox said.

“I’ve already got a job lined up after college at the Arby’s Law Firm,” Cox continued. When told that Arby’s is a fast food restaurant and not a law !rm, Cox simply replied, “No comment.”

Evans hopes the revenue from this game can cover a multitude of the football team’s costs.

First and foremost, the pro!t from this game will go to the rising costs of Richt’s vanity requirements. Richt has a clause in his contract that forces UGA to pay for his weekly spray-on tan. Also, the hardships that Richt has faced this season have caused his hair to start falling out, so he has chosen to get hair plugs instead of showing his age.

Second, a portion of the remaining pro!ts from the game will pay for U-Haul moving trucks. Instead of !ring Assistant Coaches Mike Bobo and Willie Mar-tinez face-to-face, Richt has decided to rent U-Haul trucks and leave them outside the coaches’ homes.

Richt hopes that Martinez and Bobo will be so happy to drive the moving trucks that they will not be sad about being !red and having to move.

#ird, whatever money is left over from the previ-ous costs will go to UGA students and alumni. Evans is implementing a system that actually pays people to attend UGA basketball games.

Sanford Stadium adopts Astroturf !eld to prevent grazing Picture People

In light of this season’s struggles, Georgia decided to cut its losses and accept an early bid to the Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl. Their opponent remains to be determined.

Picture People

Bored cheerleaders chew on bits of the grass of the Sanford Stadium !eld. In re-sponse to damage to the grass, the school is implementing an Astroturf surface.

By Beau VineNot eating more chicken

Starting Wednesday, the U[sic]GA Athletic Association (AA) will be closing Sanford Stadium in order to replace the grass on the !eld with turf.

According to Facilities Di-rector Bud Wiser, the move comes after Monday’s post-game facilities reviews showed damage beyond repair on the !eld.

A further look into the cause of the damage revealed also that the damage was not induced by natural causes from football games; rather, it was due to the problem of overgrazing by the U[sic]GA cheerleading squad.

“We’ve been having dif-!culties with our cheerleaders getting hungry at halftime. #ey have to cheer so dawg-gone hard to encourage our fan

base. Imagine trying to raise enthusiasm for our football team. Good grief, it’s probably harder than !nding a fairly of-!ciated game in the SEC,” said Michael Hunt, an athletic de-partment o$cial.

“We’ve tried discouraging this behavior but apparently they saw someone from #e Hills doing it so now they won’t listen to what anyone says,” Hunt said.

In response to the cases of grazing, the U[sic]GA Spirit Team is investigating into various reasons as to why the cheerleaders have begun to graze the !eld. Some Spirit Team coordinators believe that the grazing is due to depres-sion-induced eating following U[sic]GA’s lackluster football season.

“It’s just been so hard, and we get so hungry out on the !eld for that long, and just to

watch it happen. I just want to !nd the nearest thing I can eat and grass happens to be it!” said Candi Dooit, captain of the cheerleading squad.

“I don’t blame the girls for doing it! I blame it on myself! It’s just so hard to keep a strong face when all you want to do is stu" grass in your mouth,” said trainer Bo Tocks.

Wieser believes that once the grass is replaced and the turf is put in, the cases of graz-ing cheerleaders should de-crease. However as of Monday when facilities workers began placing turf on the sidelines, some workers had to shoo away cheerleaders who were gnawing unknowingly at the newly placed turf.

According to witnesses on hand, the cheerleaders could barely tell the di"erence be-

by the numbers5

Number of games the football team has lost this season. U[sic]GA has lost to Oklahoma State, LSU, Tennessee, Florida and Kentucky.

94#e number of penalties commit-

ted by the Bulldogs this season, put-ting them at No. 4 in the nation.

26Number of turnovers lost by the

Bulldogs this season, which has them tied for No. 11 in the nation.

50Jersey number of Kentucky line-

backer Sam Maxwell, who made the game-winning interception on Sat-urday.

2.5Projected Nielsen rating for the

telecast of this season’s Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl on Dec. 28, approxi-mately the same as the ratings tradi-tionally received by programs such as Nickelodeon’s Spongebob Squarepants

See Grazing, page 15