The Back Page It’s quite like the other pages, but on the back! The Brick Saturday 03/10/09 Vol:4 Issue:4 You’ve Been Robinson’d! Red Brick Robinson, we love you so! Page 1 | Top of the snobs: Know your College stereotypes Page 3 Brick Editor too tired to write anything interesting of funny and really wants to get to be by one. Page 1-4 | A guide to Matriculation Page 4 Duncan ‘Pooled’ Stibbard Hawkes Makes it all better. Matricuwhatnow? Better Matriculate than never- A guide to surviving Matric! Disclaimer: The Robinson College brick is a silly publication. If you are offended by any of it’s content, don’t be, it’s not meant to bruise you! If you any of it seems senseless or dull, then please write something better. There’s one more edition coming out before the end of term! Most of all though, remember not to worry during your first few weeks here. You’ll meet a lot of people, and have to remember a lot of things, but by the end of term I promise that things will have sunk in to place. You’ll have the time of your lives.. you lucky things you! Lots of love, Duncan, The Editor ([email protected].) Cambridge, Cambridge, Cambridge. Ancient buildings rise from the mist, shedding their distinguished shadows on the frosty ground. The smell of musty tomes fills the air and bowler- hatted porters roam the arcane cor- ridors. Or at least, this is what would be happening if you had been good enough to get into the college you applied too. Well, you didn’t... so welcome to Robinson! But, don’t worry, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Robinson may not be the oldest or architecturally distin- guished addition to the Cambridge’s collection of colleges. It may not look the nicest. Or smell the nicest. Or have the nicest people in it. Or, in- deed, generally BE the nicest... but it’s still ten time’s better than all the other colleges combined. Why? Because it’s now YOUR college. Thos red bricks, which at first startled, over the course of the term, will come to delight and hurt not. The other A fresh fresher’s edition, for some fresh fresher’s faces. First you’ll be placed in alphabetical order and shepherded into the auditorium. As you pass through, you’ll be handed a large, black, floppy gown that doesn’t quite seem to fit. The purpose of the gowns is to make students from Cam- bridge look stupider than students from other universities, compensating for the fact that you are probably all cleverer. Yes. Even you. I mean you. You didn’t get in by fluke! Then, just for fun you’ll be placed into reverse alphabetical order and told to line up for a photograph. Worry not, this photograph will be sold back to you at an exorbitant price! While standing for the photograph, please be aware of the man sitting directly in the front-centre of the picture, wear- ing a large top hat. This is the respected ex-police officer and head porter Mr. Colin Barnes and if you can bring me his hat, you’ll be rewarded with a large cash prize*. After this, comes a speach for the senior tutor, Liz Guild (A.K.A. “Lizzy G”, “Guildylocks” or “The Guild-master- general”). She is in charge of making sure you all do well and will talk for a very long time about how you are expected to work very hard. DO NOT WORRY, if you are an arts student, you can get away almost without doing any work till exam time. If you are a science student, you are permitted to worry a little bit, but remember, you will still not be working near as hard as Liz will suggest. Taking everything she says during this speach with a liberal pinch of salt is an absolute necessity! After this, various other member of the college staff will stand up and tell you not to do things. Colin Barnes will tell you not to set things on fire, Nick Milne will tell you not to buy food that’s not from Robinson’s lucretive canteen if you can absolutely help it and the lovely Briget of I.T. will ask you not to use the Robinson network for orgonized crime Once you’ve endured the trials and tribulations of the day, prepare yourself for the final challenge: Matriculation din- ner. You’ll be treated to a splendid meal and given the opportunity to make a good impression on senior college staff as well as so much alcohol that you will find acting like a sensible, reasonable human being next to impossible. During my matriculation dinner, I almost threw up onto the alliteratively named Ross Reason, our financial bursar. He remains blissfully unaware of this. At the end of the meal, you will be given a speech from the warden about why he’s called “The Warden” and will then be sent, staggering in the direction of the party room for yet another “bop”! Well done, you’re now and forever more an official member of Cambridge University, a stigma which will haunt you for the rest of your life and lead anyone else who ever finds out to say “Oooh, you must be clever!”. Things will only gets easier from here, so happy matriculation! *Please note, thrilled as I will be, following this instruction may and probably will lead to bad things. Top ten reasons why Robinson is better than the College you actually applied to. members of your year group, who at matriculation may feel overwhelm- ingly numerous and unfamiliar will become your friends and compatriots, and maybe even something more. At the very least... one can hope. So, young fresher, do not worry, turn your head to the light and revel that you are now a member of one of the most alive and exciting institutions in the whole of Britain. Here are ten more of Robinson’s boasts to fill you with collegiate pride! 1. The food is nicer. As a conference facility, the Robinson college kitch- ens are among the best in the land. 2. The rooms are warmer, prettier and generally more accommodating than almost anywhere else. 3. Robinson was the first and only college built from the outset with the intention of letting in all people, re- gardless of gender, ethnicity or shape. So go and give your fellow man or woman ...or “other”... a big hug! 4. Robinson is, or at least was, the greenest college in Cambridge. Our investments are fairly ethically sound and we just LOVE the environment. 5. Robinson has the nicest porters in Cambridge. FACT! 6. Robinson is the only college in Cambridge that shares it’s name with a popular brand of fruit cordial...! 7. Robinson is... is..... really good for snowball fights...?! 8. R.. Robinson... umm.... 9. Well... I mean... if you like red, it’s TERIFFIC! 10. AND Robinson has YOU in it!!! So, now you know! Robinson is far and away the best college in Cam- bridge, so if you didn’t apply here, sit back and count your lucky stars. If you did, good on you. Ether way it’s going to be a wild ride, so you’d better get ready! Oh, didn’t you hear? Robinson is this seasons Trinity! For goodness sake. There’s a Japanologist in your year... just ask her. What, you might be wondering, is matriculation? Mummy and Dad- dy have abandoned you in a big red brick castle, you’ve been told to avoid ‘horse-play’ at formals, invited to strange 1920s sounding par- ties called ‘bops’, introduced to thousands of people and now they want you to ‘matriculate’. It sounds much like what happens to ro- dents if you put them in a blender. And, like gerbils when the lid is closed, you’re now feeling more than a little terrified! Well, worry not, because matriculation isn’t near as scary as it sounds. Like many words in the near-anachronistic Cambridge vernacular, matriculation is Latin and just so happens to mean “To Register”. It may not be surprising to note, therefore, that matriculation day is like one big registration. Unless... like.... you’re from Japan... Bright-eyed and strangely mesmerising, Liz Guild will work you till your bleed.