By Brendan Fries ‟11 Real. Comfortable. News. The Wrangler May 2010 Edition Roman Numeral Four News in Briefs New tutoring program to utilize ChatRoulette, ac- cess to “thousands of dif- ferent tutors” touted Handbook amendment calls for limit on Brophy- sponsored lapel pins, pro- ponents cite “too much bling” Mr. Johnson calls Eng- lishGrammar101 “epicurean” Book checked out from Information Commons for “old times‟ sake” Parking lot manners class offered to St. Francis par- ents Bring-your-own-theme day scheduled for end of May Word association exercise for “mom” fails to elicit “prom” Tecra M4s found in Used Electronics Recycling Drive bins APUSH Exam [censored] Debate over Brophy‟s longtime lunch line-cutting dilemma was rekindled with the recent passage of a controversial new line policy. Administrative Bill 1070, requires Brophy line regulators to inquire into the line-status of any Bro- phy student given reasonable suspicion. It also requires that line regulators enforce the policy to the fullest, thus preventing weak areas where students take advantage of the lenient regulators. Any student unable to provide proof that he is in the line legally can be given a JUG and forced to take his own lunch to school, as well as any student harboring friends illegally. In addition, the policy criminalizes the act of “impeding the progression of the lunch line,” a common occurrence when students stop to receive money and or- ders from friends. The bill first turned heads when it mentioned “reasonable suspicion,” which would encourage the faculty prefects to profile students based on facial expressions, according to a group that opposes the measure. We‟re planning massive boycotts of Brophy,” said Heather Evans, a junior at Moun- tain Ridge High School in Glendale. “Line-cutters every- where need to stand as one against this injustice!” Results from a survey conducted during an additional 25- minute period tacked on to the end of school day show that 70 percent of Brophy students support the bill. “A lot of people are angry that kids just cruise to the front of the line illegally without respect for the law,” said Gregor Penn ‟12, who supports the bill. “What part of „illegal‟ don‟t they get?” While many disagree with the act of line-cutting, there is rampant concern that Jugging the line cutters would not only decrease profits, but could possibly make the line even slower due to the focus on cutters instead of regulation. The Brophy administration pledged to step up the use of force in dealing with the line-cutting issue until the law takes effect at the end of the school year, at which time, analysis of past situations indicate, that nobody will even care. Michael’s Food to Become Biodegradable, Fifty Cents More Expensive After receiving much praise from the Office of Faith and Justice, Michael's will continue their green spree, this time affecting their food, not their drinks. You guessed it, Michael's food will now become biodegradable, but the trade off is fifty cents. When interviewed, Chef David said: "The biodegradable cups were just us testing the water to see if there was a market for 'green products,' and the answer was a resounding yes!" After crunching numbers, sales of beverages have gone up at Michael's nearly 20%, the root of this rapid growth can be pinned on the OFJ. Ms. Gallagher alone has been seen in Michael's pur- chasing soda in the new biodegradable cups at least five times a day. When asked about her recent purchases she responded: "The soda-pop wasn‟t made in sweatshops so I can buy as much of it as I want." OFJ aside, the next target on Michael's "to-make-eco-friendly" list was the food. And after months of careful planning and intensive research, Michael's has found a way to make their food actually biodegradable; however, the price will increase by fifty cents. Michael's Corpo- rate doubts the price increase will deter customers, seeing as the price in chicken tenders has steadily increased over the last three years and sales re- main steady. Word on the street tells a different story. When asked about the upcoming change, Brophy student America Fun- hall '12 said, "It‟s kind of mind- boggling to think that their food wasn‟t biodegradable in the past, I mean isn't that like a law of nature or something?" Fellow student Bob Böppe '11 ex- pressed similar concerns, "So you‟re telling me that for three years I've been eating two meals a day that aren't pro- viding me with nutrients that fuel my brain? That might explain a lot about our class‟s behavior." On the bright side, it does appear that students will not be deterred, let alone notice, the price increase or the change in essential composition of the products sold as food in the Great Hall. By Jordan Bohannon ‟12 Printed on recycled Roundups As many of you may have sus- pected, Mr. John Buchanan is not just the kind but stern musta- chioed figure that dispenses be- nevolent justice from the seat of his golf cart. Although details from his past are hazy, after painstak- ing research 1 , I discovered that Mr. B had spent time as an “enforcement-advisor” in Haiti 2 and Afghanistan 3 . Most Brophy students are probably aware of the policy that every faculty and staff member must teach a class, from Chef David’s Adventures in Culi- nary Extortion to Mr. Larry Orr’s seminar on The Philosophy of Awe- someness. This policy would seem- ingly not extend to Mr. B as he “officially” teaches no class, but I found that not to be the case. In fact, Mr. B does teach a class, but this class does not appear on any course catalogue; rather, it is offered to only a se- lect group of students, and its final grades do not appear on a transcript, but are tat- tooed into the student‟s very skin. I became aware of this class when I was ap- proached by a student currently taking the course. Let‟s call him “Rack Megan.” This student told me he had a hot lead (journalistic term for exciting story, or an attractive singer in a band) but in return I would have to give him something in. It would cost me far too many Chipotle burri- tos but I knew it would be worth it. “Rack Megan” invited me to observe the class for a week, and I took him up on his offer. “The class” as it is referred to by those in-the -know, meets during “study halls” and “free periods.” The curriculum starts with such basic skills as: underwater knife fighting, blindfolded street racing, hostage rescue, disarming a man armed with a RPG, sniper- rappelling, and tiger fighting. If a student has not failed or been maimed by the end of the quarter, then they move onto the ad- vanced curriculum of: rescuing people from a burning building while hacking the Penta- gon, impersonating an astronaut, punching someone so hard they thank you for it, em- bezzling millions of dollars using a TI-83, and the classic back-flipping hatchet attack. Mr. B also has monthly tactical exercises where the “clandestine activities” really come into play. Although I do not know the real objectives of these exercises, I do know the covers or- ganized to protect them from the common masses. Every wonder what was going on in the rest of our campus when everyone was busy watching our near-riot, the Invisible Battle, in the mall? Or the suspi- cious lockdown due to “law enforce- ment” activity on Central? “The class” culminates with a final exam called Operation Indigo Sword for which students are required to recreate the hostile takeover of a third world country. When asked if he had anything to say about his secret class, Mr. B skillfully performed a conversational evasion and responded: “I‟ve never been to Haiti.” Touché, Mr. B, touché. So if during finals week someone asks you if you‟ve ever considered deposing Mr. Bopp, or maybe inquires if you would transfer a “package” for them, don‟t be worried. Actu- ally, perhaps you should be worried; I‟m not entirely sure that the final is only an exer- cise, and not a real operation. 1 Googling “The Real John Buchanan” 2 Verified. 3 Not verified. 2 Actually not verified either. Exclusive Editorial: Finals Approach for Mr. B’s “Clandestine Activities” Class Administrative Bill 107o To Criminalize Illegal Presence in Lunch Line By Jackson Bentley ‟13 Pictured: Mr. B’s “Clandestine Activities” class Not pictured: your fear The new food is clearly biodegradable, as evidenced in this stirring photograph released to the public. Detained: These students face JUG under the new lunch-line law, dubbed “America’s toughest.” Recipient of Presidential Citation for Outstanding Bravery