The Upper Cruster Magazine

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It’s a tough world for the modern aristocrat. There are numerous choices to face and important decisions to be made. For instance, how can you continue to use falcons for our hunting purposes if they simply refuse to stop being endangered? How can you wisely invest the paltry $2 million in change left over from your yacht purchase? Which luxury sports car will look best parked in front of your summer mansion on the French Riviera?

The Upper Cruster is here to help you make these decisions and more. This guidebook to life is the perfect companion whether you’re on a joyride in your private jet over the Sandwich Isles, or quietly reading in the study with a tulip glass of 64-year-old Macallan scotch.

The Upper Cruster: if knowledge was money, this magazine would be worth almost as much as I am.

Yours in wealth and prosperity,

Reginald Tort

Editor-In-Chief

letter from the editor

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Taco Bell’s Steak Quesadilla is grilled and marinated steak combined with a blend of three melted cheeses and a creamy jalapeno sauce, all folded in a freshly toasted tortilla. Oh, and it’s only $4.29. If you think this is robbing us, please tell your cashier and we’ll make it right.

So you can pay us more if you want.

A steak dinner should cost more…

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European Nobles Magazine called her: “sexy, sensational, and sexy again.”

Duchess Beatrice, the Scandinavian socialite, is the descendent of a long line of royal ancestors who made their fortune in the fish-pickling industry, and later, by pioneering the blood diamond industry.

A part-time beauty queen and full time beauty, the Duchess became a media magnate soon after she inherited her family fortune at the tender age of 12. She quickly became the world’s darling of grace and poise, all the while taking disposable income to a whole new level.

When Duchess Beatrice isn’t writing articles for The Upper Cruster, she spends her time training her truffle hunting dogs, and buying Fabergé eggs.

Now a multi-millionaire media mogul captain of industry, Stone Chambers rose to prominence heading a dozen Fortune 500 companies. He revolutionized the travel industry by being the first CEO to implement additional fees for passengers to check in a second bag, and use the plane’s washroom.

His keen business eye and financial wizardry has set him apart from the rest in the business world. Evidence of his Midas touch came in 2003 when he created an ad campaign for his airline, Stone Travel. Completely ill advised by all members of his advertising team, the campaign centered on the slogan “Planes That Fly Like a Stone.” It shocked the business world, and profits skyrocketed.

Stone Chambers is no ordinary man; he’s a businessman. You can read his articles about business and financial matters in The Upper Cruster.

The Civil War, World War I, World War II, that war in Vietnam; Reginald Tort fought in them all.

From humble beginnings as minuteman for the North, Reginald soon rose to the rank of colonel in WWI, and later to a five-star general early in WWII. Throughout his military career, Reginald received 43 Purple Hearts for bravery. When his platoon was ambushed in ‘Nam, his leg was blown off. He managed to sew it back on using a pine needle, but only after he beat the enemy back with it.

After his war career, Reginald wisely invested in everything that ever became popular. Although retired from military combat, Reginald is fighting a new war: a war against the aggressive plague of homeless and poor.

Reginald is the Editor-in-Chief of The Upper Cruster, and contributes to all aspects of the publication.

Young, fashionable, cutting edge. Charles Charleston Fairweather rose to the top of the fashion world by riding the coattails of his father, Chester Charleston Fairweather – who originally invented coattails in 1946.

Known for his lavish parties and inventive take on modern style, Charles Charleston recently started writing as a platform to oppose the widespread public opinion that he was merely a spoiled, lazy boy with no personal worth of his own.

Charles Charleston is famously quoted for saying: “I’m not one of those lazy fat cats who just lays by the pool all day. I’m out there getting the real stories. Although while I do, I pay several members of my staff to lay by the pool in my absence.”

You can enjoy Charles Charleston’s articles in The Upper Cruster, where he often writes about recreational activities that don’t require perspiring.

Staff Upper

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Reading The Upper Cruster will not make you look as good as I do. But it will help.

NEXT ISSUE: AUGUST 2011

the homeless: haven’t they taken enough?

Reginald Tort looked at a homeless man once, and it taught him a lot. Reap his wisdom here so you don’t have to see one yourself.

talon-ted birds If having untold riches doesn’t make you feel superior enough, take up hunting with wild birds.

discover philanthropy: profile on the winnipeg foundation

It’s some sort of charity. If you’re now thinking, “what’s that?” then you’re holding the right magazine.

be a prophet, make a profit Although we’re not usually a fan of “do it yourself ”, Stone Chambers’ plan to use religion for personal gain sounds spot on.

thoroughbred emotions

Fairweather discusses being at the top of competitive horse breeding. It’s better than being on the bottom.

the penny-pinching prince: five reasons why the royal wedding will be more slavish than lavish

A long tradition of underwhelming parties. Is it just us, or is England falling behind?

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Soup kitchens, welfare programs, housing initiatives – these words may be unfamiliar to you, dear reader, but do not doubt your

intellect, for they are the crutches of the weak.

For years, the City of Winnipeg has fallen victim to an epidemic of lazy, selfish people called the homeless. The title “homeless,” however, is monumentally misleading, as these people seem quite at home scavenging off the monetary droppings of hardworking aristocrats like me and you. But it’s to be expected. Every parasite needs a host, and these

peasants seem to have found one – our wallets.

According to the Manitoba government’s website,

gov.mb.ca/housing, by the end of this fiscal year – March 31, 2011 – the province will have squandered an estimated $72 million on housing and community development and millions more on welfare and homeless shelters. With spending like that, our taxpayer dollars are being whisked away quicker than a sailboat off the coast of East Hampton. And why? So jobless Jim can have a bowl of clam chowder on my dime? Madness, dear readers! And most disturbing of all, there is no end in sight.

“We’ve seen a 15 per cent increase in the number of people using our services over the last year, and that’s worrying,”

said Mike Duerksen, a radical leftist and communications coordinator for Siloam Mission. “Homelessness isn’t going away.”

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by reginald tort

Every parasite needs a host, and these peasants seem to have found one –

our wallets.

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UC“She’s my girl, and just last week I thought I was going to have to put her down,”

said Ernie, beginning to cry in impressively realistic fashion.

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1Put them up for sale on the pet market

and advertise them as the hottest new

thing for families that have dog allergies.

3Have them fight one another in a gladiator

style arena. The winner will receive a week’s supply

of Corn Pops and a complimentary

tuque.

So, with no apparent solutions, we at The Upper Cruster have taken it upon ourselves to provide three practical suggestions.

Hire them every spring to form a human wall and

protect against the oncoming flood.

Siloam Mission is a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, and health centre located deep into the hobos’ stomping ground – Princess Street. The shelter – which is run by 43 delusional homeless sympathizers – provides food, clothes, and beds for between 300 and 500 people every day. In short, it’s a major accomplice in this derelict dilemma.

Take 46-year-old Ernie, for example, a former stone carver who lost his job just over a year ago due to a crack addiction, and who now panhandles less than a block from Siloam Mission at the Princess and Logan intersection. “I use Siloam Mission for meals quite often,” said Ernie, holding a sign that read ‘Spare Anything You Can.’ For all I knew, this bindlestiff could have been the very man who sculpted the marble columns I had installed on my veranda last quarter. I love those columns, so I tolerated him.

To my astonishment, Ernie – despite being outwardly bedraggled – was not, in fact, homeless. Instead, he stayed at a rooming house that cost him an infinitesimal $300 a month. “I used to have two houses,” said Ernie, sheltering his face from the biting wind. “And now I’m just trying to get $16.50 by the end of the day for my landlord.”

Ernie’s technique of paying rent while still suckling at the teat of government altruism for food is a common trick. “Many of the people who come to Siloam have to choose between shelter and food,” said Duerksen. “It’s a tough decision since most of them have trouble supporting themselves.”

And Ernie isn’t supporting just himself. He also has a 16-year-old dog named Gypsy to worry about. The dog, which sat against a nearby building, was draped in an assortment of multi-coloured blankets. Although the blankets were clearly not woven from mohair, cashmere, or any other respectable material, Gypsy still looked warmer than Ernie.

Although the mutt is clearly a cheap gimmick to snag a few extra dollars from bleeding hearts, Ernie insisted that he’s had the dog for 15 years now. “She’s my girl, and just last week I thought I was going to have to put her down,” said Ernie, beginning to cry in impressively realistic fashion. But don’t fret dear readers – I didn’t give in.

However, the same can’t be said for Duerksen and other local communists who have been duped into feeding, supporting, and fighting for the most privileged group in Winnipeg. “The city needs more dry, supportive housing,” said Duerksen. “This problem is all of our responsibility, not just the government’s, not just Siloam’s.”

It’s hard to imagine that someone could be misguided enough to genuinely believe that the antidote to homelessness is more homes. But remember, not everyone is as discerning as you and I are.

Most shocking of all, however, is that Duerksen’s suggestions, despite their outlandishness, are already being put into effect.

In November 2010, the Winnipeg Housing and Homelessness Initiative received $2.3 million to build 33 new houses. I’ve had my personal assistant operate the calculator, and that’s merely $70,000 a house. At that price, if we all donated the money we have left over from gambling along the French Riviera we might be able to get these

guttersnipes to put a sock in it. But

that would be letting them

win.

So what can be done? Providing more affordable

housing so that homeless people actually have a safe, inexpensive place to live

once they are back on their feet surely isn’t the the solution.

Providing education, basic work skills, and job opportunities for the city’s less fortunate youth certainly isn’t going to do it either.

And generous donations from the province’s wealthy – that’s you and me – would be preposterous, unfair, and perhaps even force us to drink scotch that has only been aged 15 years as opposed to the usual 30.

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There aren’t many activities that were made popular in the Middle Ages and still remain today. But along with Feasts of

the Summer Solstice and ignoring your wife until you have a peacefully loveless marriage, falconry has stayed strong - and it’s the perfect pastime for the modern sportsman.

Urbane Nomads (www.urbanenomads.com) has created what they call the “Most Luxurious Trip in the World,” a 16 day journey through Mongolia that combines the themes of falconry, horse riding, and hunting to recreate the luxurious hunting trips of Kublai Khan. It starts off at only $2 million so it sounds like a nice little venture, but it might be best to have falconry under your belt before you embark.

The reasons to engage in falconry are numerous and convincing, so read this article only if you’re comfortable with the notion of becoming a full-time falconer immediately after. Be warned - falconry isn’t just horseback rides in the Gobi Desert; apparently it actually takes some commitment.

Robert Wheeldon, nearly 60 years old now, has pursued his love of birds since the tender age of 5, and now operates Parkland Mews Falconry and Bird of Prey Education Centre with his wife. Wheeldon says he works with his birds, currently a total of 10, 365 days a year. “The last day off we took was 20 years ago for our honeymoon,” said Wheel-don.

Obviously the sensible solution is to simply hire some sort of falconry staff to train and feed the birds, leaving your schedule open for non-stop falcon fun. With that minor problem out of the way, it’s pure positives for pursuing falconry.

First, falconry is “terribly expensive in many, many ways.” We know that if you’re going to be pouring your time and effort into a seemingly fruitless

activity, it’s only natural that pouring money should follow. There are the proper cages and equipment, food, and the possibility of driving “miles and miles to find prey.” It would be nice if these falcons could find their own prey, but evidently they need a little help riding to greener pastures in your backseat.

Wheeldon says it best: “If you’re a peas-ant, you’re not going to have the time to fly a bird. You need to be wealthy to do it.”

If the no-peasants rule and entrance fees aren’t enough, know that the fal-conry club’s elitism doesn’t end there. In fact, it’s actually like a secret society that throws quieter parties. “It’s a solitary profession, and we tend to be loners by nature. We don’t encourage people to

talon-ted birds

by charles charleston fairweather

It starts off at only $2 million so it sounds like a nice little venture, but it might be best to have falconry under your belt before you embark.

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do falconry, but we don’t discourage it,” said Wheeldon.

If you manage to become a falconer, it’s easy to assume a lofty lifestyle that not even the power of flight can provide. In fact, when The Upper Cruster contacted Roy Priest, a retired falconer who operates www.falconry.ca, he said to send ques-

tions and “I’ll see if I am willing to answer them.” We did, and he wasn’t. Furthermore, we sent inquiries to four other falconry clubs throughout Canada, and one other club that has some sort of deviant sexual attraction to birds, posting adult pictures with falcons posing in them. Unfortunately, all of these proved to be fruitless and yielded no reply. One of the greatest pleasures of falconry, both sexual and

platonic, seems to be that you never have to talk to anyone ever again!The next feather in falconry’s cap is that the sport is saving falcons, one bird at a time. Not surprisingly, since falcons need a car ride to go hunting, several species are endangered such as the peregrine falcon. At his centre, Wheeldon trains the birds he breeds to prepare them for the wild before releasing them

from their gilded warmed enclosures. Since 2005 he’s released 16 birds into the wild, where hopefully someone has caught them to use for falconry elsewhere.

But even in spite of this, there are some who oppose the sport; environmentalists, hippie-dropouts, and PETA sometimes call falconry a “blood sport.” Wheeldon elaborates, “They’re

against one animal killing another, whether that be a lion eating a wildebeest or a polar bear killing a seal.”

Personally I’ve set up those exact scenarios in my backyard just to watch the beautiful process of nature, but there’s always going to be someone against you.

So if you’re looking for summer recre-ation to invest your time and money in, falconry is for you. If you’re interested in the off chance of eating a rabbit that’s been all-naturally pecked to death by a sharp beak and talons, and leading a solitary life while people call you “The Bird Hermit” behind your back when you visit the pet store for large feeding baskets of quail doesn’t turn you off, then falconry is for you.

And if it doesn’t work, you can always just set your bird free to do your part in saving the environment. Unless of course you’ve formed an emotional bond with the bird. But then again that’s not really our fault.

If you’re a peasant, you’re not going to have time to fly a bird. You need to be

wealthy to do it.

All Others Pale in Comparisonsuperior taste for the refined palette

You know what’s best. You don’t waste your time with the other ones. They try to win you over, but they can’t even compete. Little do they know the

contest was over long before they knew it even started.

ALL OTHERS PALE ALES NEED NOT COMPETE.

You know Heineken’s rich taste and full-bodied flavour are a cut above the rest.

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While “assistance,” may be a foreign concept to us elitists, I shall enlighten you, dear readers, on

who the heavy hitters are in community foundations and why they are giving money away to those greedy bindlestiffs, or as they phrase it, “strengthening the community.”

Fellow aristocrats, I introduce you to another foreign concept - “philanthro-py”. Since 1921, an organization called The Winnipeg Foundation has handed out $260 million

to the community. Interesting - a prosperous organization in Winnipeg that continues to give money away. My dear well-to-do readers, I understand your distress. In 2010 alone, The Winnipeg Foundation threw away $21 million dollars in grants. I presume it is agreeable to all that this

is mere coins - no - I embellish - mere pennies, pennies that were given away when yours truly could have had bought another island in Bora Bora or a villa in Tuscany. But I digress. The Winnipeg Foundation is the second largest community foundation in Canada and its purpose is to support the community. Why the community? Jenette Martens, social media convener explains, “an investment in The Winnipeg Foundation is an investment in the community.” Also, “Gifts given to the Foundation aren’t

spent, they’re invested, and the interest earned on the investment is given back to the community in grants,” says Martens. These “grants” that are given to charities come from what are formally called endowment funds. According to Kerry Ryan, communications

discover philanthropy: profile on the winnipeg foundationby duchess beatrice

The Winnipeg Foundation has handed out $260 million to the community.

A sad portrait of a profitless business

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The Winnipeg Foundation was created in 1921 and was the first community foundation in Canada. The Winnipeg Foundation currently holds more than 2,250 endowment funds and is currently the second largest community foundation in Canada. Endowment funds are created by donors and the income earned is allocated to numerous charitable organizations in grants. Community foundations are charitable organizations that handle and usually invest donations given from individuals, organizations or groups.

Every donation is permanently invested and generates grants from interest, which is given to charitable organizations every year.

coordinator, “the money is held permanently and every year the donations generate money and continue to grow.” Superior but also perplexing financial plans. If my days at the humble and prestigious University of Oxford have taught me one imperative principle it is investing and retaining your assets. However, The Winnipeg Foundation believes in the betterment of the community, an idea so radical that it may just work. Martens argues “an investment in The Winnipeg Foundation is an investment in the community.” Although it’s not much of an investment if the only returns you see are puppet shows and swing sets.

In January, the Foundation held their first event of the year, which featured 50 charities and offered free admission to The Manitoba Museum, Planetarium and the Science Gallery. Yet another unfamiliar term to The Upper Cruster, “free”.

As affluent individuals we recognize the need to give back to the community. Underprivileged and undervalued, François was on the street not making use of his talents. Now employed, François is a splendid gardener for the west-wing of one of my private estates. Martens states, “[that] a lot of the charitable organizations that make Winnipeg the great city that it is have received grants from The Winnipeg Foundation.” She makes an excellent observation – I am only one person. It would not be feasible to hire more

working class people like François. I only wish more bourgeois knew how talented he is at trimming my topiaries, everyone would want their own personal François.Moving onwards, recently a newsworthy fund was created by The Winnipeg Foundation called The Nourishing Potential Fund. This fund was formed to provide a constant support for nutrition programs for youth programs. “The goal is to raise $5 million in 5 years,” says Martens -a modest amount. Other projects are Literacy for Life, Youth in Philanthropy and Downtown Greenspaces Strategy.

The Winnipeg Foundation has also made strides to keep up with social media by using Twitter and Facebook to advertise and create awareness of events and news. Martens is the controller of these social outlets and interned at The Winnipeg Foundation prior to being hired as the Social Media Convener. She sees her audience as young professionals and identifies Twitter and Facebook as an effective means to create awareness among this group of individuals. The Winnipeg Foundation began in 1921 with a cheque of the small amount of $100,000 from William Forbes Alloway, a well-to-do banker without any business sense. What sensible elitist gives money away? Alloway envisioned this donation as a way for him to give back to the community. Alloway was a generous man - too generous if you ask the folks at The Upper Cruster.

Underprivileged and undervalued, François is a splendid gardener for the west-wing of one of my private estates.

Since Alloway’s first endowment, many people, organizations and families have made donations in all sorts of amounts. This year is the Foundation’s 90th year and is planning on celebrating with many events that will be spread across the year. Ryan says that the Foundation plans on holding a series of events that will showcase specific charities. Visit www.wpgfdn.org for more details on upcoming events. The illustrious folks at The Upper Cruster deem The Winnipeg Foundation a superior organization (with dreadful financial prudency).

The Winnipeg Foundations 90th anniversary cake cutting. From left to right: Winnipeg Foundation board members David Cohen, Richard Bracken, Sister Lesley Sacouman, Winnipeg Foundation CEO Richard Frost and board member Gregg Hanson

Acceptable

ways to

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The global economic downturn was painful for many entrepreneurs. The recession effected everyone from small

businesses to large corporations the world over. As a result, the financial climate is less than optimal for those seeking to make their fortunes grow even more. Amid the economic uncertainty, some organizations still managed to thrive in a very lucrative market: religion.

There are several benefits to creating a new religion. Not only is it a great recession-proof financial venture, starting your own religion is also a great opportunity for a wealthy individual such as yourself to indulge in your megalomania by getting flocks of followers to worship you – not to mention while paying you to do so in the form of donations. The question

then arises, how can you create a global religion with a massive following that will guarantee you massive profits?

The perfect example to follow on how to achieve a profitable global religious movement with mass appeal comes courtesy of the Church of Scientology. L. Ron Hubbard, an American author and philosopher wrote a book called Dianetics, which formed the basis of Scientology in the 1950s. Since its creation, L. Ron Hubbard managed to

convert thousands of glib individuals to the church, and Scientology has expanded considerably both in terms of membership and real estate around the globe.

The Church of Scientology is an organized religion with an individualistic focus. Members seek to achieve a state of freedom and enlightenment.

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As ludicrous as Karl Marx and his socialist drivle was, he may have been on to something when he wrote “religion is the opiate of the people.”

be a prophet, make a profit

by stone chambers

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According to the church, the Scientology movement meets all the criteria necessary to call itself a religion. That’s because its followers believe in a form of eternal truth, they seek to attain that very same eternal truth, and that community of believers also seeks to understand that eternal truth.

As noted, Scientology is expanding. According to figures from the Church of Scientology, real estate grew from 5.6 million square feet in 2004 to over 11.5 million square feet by the end of the first decade of the new millennium. Put in other terms, there are an estimated 8,500 Scientologist churches, missions, and affiliated groups in 165 nations around the globe.

With the planned construction of the Scientology Advanced Organization and Canada’s Continental Liaison Office, a massive compound consisting of five buildings nestled on 190 acres of land just outside of Toronto, there is no doubt that the religion is expanding.

But such expansion comes at a cost. The Church of Scientology relies strictly on donations from its members, further proving that creating a religion is a great investment opportunity with the possibility of phenomenal returns after a relatively small start-up cost.

When creating your religious movement, bear in mind that you must promise a positive outcome to your followers, whether you can deliver or not. Let’s be perfectly honest, you can’t be held accountable if your followers’ afterlives don’t meet the expectations you outlined, so promise them the moon if that’s what you have to do to get them to sign up. Or, promise them 72 virgins if you have to. Actually, that might be a tad ludicrous.

As ludicrous as Karl Marx and his socialist drivle was, but he may have been on to something when he wrote “religion is the opiate of the people.” Give the people what they want, and they’ll keep coming back for more.

If you want the gullible to give youmoney, promise as much as you can. It’s not dishonest, it’s strictly business. As Winnipeg Scientologist Alan Gutknecht explained in an interview, Scientology promises “anything you desire.” He noted, “Scientology is all about attaining your spiritual freedom. L. Ron Hubbard started making discoveries about higher spiritual states. With each level, you gain more abilities. Then anything that is desirable, you can’t get.”

As Gutknecht stated, an essential part of giving your created religion credibility is providing followers with opulent places of worship. “I’m sure that having luxurious facilities plays a part in Scientology’s success. If we had dingy offices, not much stock of Hubbard’s written works, and had staff that didn’t know their stuff, I don’t think people would take us seriously.”

This kind of magnificent environment is a must according to Red River College student Kyle Verot, an individual who describes himself as “kind of not, but yes, sort of” religious. Verot believes that providing the proper environment would be helpful in swaying him to join a religious movement. “I went to a Roman Catholic church when I was younger. I like the grandeur of those kinds of churches. I would go to a new church if it was grand like that, and well organized.”

An individual like Verot is the perfect type of person to try to convert to your new religion. He is obviously aware of religion, and easily impressed by big things.

Another important lesson you can take away from Scientology when planning your own religion is that you should turn your spiritual deliverance into a game. If you turn eternal salvation into a game with multiple levels, each of which are only attainable through years of dedicated service, as Hubbard did, you’re likely to retain your followers for much longer.

Scientologists seek to attain higher states of existence.

These states are described in a chart created by Hubbard called the Classification, Gradation and Awareness Chart. Through their actions and dedication, Scientologists ascend to higher levels of spirituality. Climbing to the top of the chart is a process that can take a lifetime. It’s no more complicated than a simple game of Snakes and Ladders.

More importantly, you must provide your followers with a reward system for sticking with your religion. As Verot suggested, “if I was offered free stuff, I would totally switch religions. If they kept offering me rewards for sticking with it, I would.”

In addition, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to ensure pictures of you are widely displayed in all religious facilities. You need to do so in order to constantly remind all your followers that you are the leader of the religion. Brand identification is vital in your religious endeavors just as in any other business ventures you participate in.

Your picture should display your magnificence. A picture in which you glare accusingly at your worshippers is the most efficient. A compassionate leader isn’t much of a leader at all. A religious movement should be just as cutthroat as business. Display your strength.

If you follow these steps, you will undoubtedly get people to willfully give away their money to your religious corporation, which then flows to you. However, Gutknecht offered a sobering warning, stating that your new religion will likely come under fire from those who don’t understand it just as Scientology has. “Scientology has a lot of enemies. There’s a ton of stuff in the media that isn’t fair or right about us.”

UCTHE CHURCH OF STONEUpper

Cruster

Stone SAYS: BUY IT!

NEXT ISSUE: AUGUST 2011

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The Evolution of PizzaRefinment beyond Darwin’s wildest dreams

From its birth in the primordial furnaces of the ancient Mediterranean, to Raffaele Esposito’s miracle addition of cheese in 1889, to the grand opening of the first

pizzeria in the Hamptons – pizza has been evolving for over a millennium.

This evolution has culminated in the pinnacle of portability and the apex of refinment – the Pizza Pop. Pillsbury introduced the tasty pizza snack during the final years of the Cold War, and it quickly became a beacon of possibility and cultural unity. Over 20 years later, the Pizza Pop continues to be a symbol of

prosperity, class, and elegance.

Thousands of years in

the making.

New show New time

Side effects of watching Conan may include beard growth

New

Airing Monday to Thursday11:00 p.m. ET/10:00 p.m. CT

New show New time

Now with 35% more facial hair

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Turns out all the glitz, glamour, and straw hats are a cheap cover for the unbridled heartbreak. The racetrack has

always been presented as a place where the rich get richer, so actually owning the horses instead of just betting on them seems like being at the top. Unfortunately, owners and breeders deal more with emotion than dollars.

Karen Harrisko, the general manager of the Canadian Thoroughbred Horse Society’s Manitoba divison, owns three thoroughbreds herself, which are the “best kind for racing.” It’s like that old saying: if you’re not riding a thoroughbred, you’re riding a poorbred. According to Harrisko, don’t get into horse ownership if you’re after the money. What else would you be after?

“You have to love it. You can make money from it but there are no guarantees, both as a breeder and an owner. Breaking even is doing well,” admits Harrisko. Doesn’t sound well to us.

Canadian Thoroughbred Society has divisions all over the country and represents the horse breeders, not the owners. When a Manitoban horse wins a race, the Manitoba Thoroughbred Horse Society gives the breeder a bonus, hoping to encourage the use of local talent.

Unfortunately, these bonuses are only a drop in the bucket compared to the money you can shell out in the process of ownership. Even race purses don’t go very far. Harrisko’s biggest win earned them 60% of a $30,000 purse, which won’t go far when you consider what a horse can cost. Just renting a trustworthy stallion to provide his speedy seed can easily run you over $100,000 and even then it doesn’t mean a winner pops out.

“Sometimes a foal is born crooked. But as long as it’s live, you pay the stud,” explained Harrisko. It’s obvious that a crooked foal isn’t worth much beyond shotgun target practise, so spending $100,000 on one sounds like more of

a hassle than just betting at the track. And speaking of betting, it’s all about putting your money where your horse is, because “if you can’t bet on your own, who’s can you bet on?”

The bond between a horse and his boy goes so much further than that, and actually starts to become a little overbearing.

“The horse becomes like your child,” sighed Harrisko, “It’s just one of the greatest things.”

thoroughbred emotions

by charles charleston fairweather

UCHarrisko’s horses were born on her own property, and she and her husband work with them everyday in lieu of having a social life. Then, when the horses finishes twiddling its hooves and finally reaches 2, the age of maturity and racing eligibity, there’s a definite shift from warm afternoon mane brushing at the farm to heart pounding fear at

The horse becomes like your child.

It’s like that old saying: if you’re not riding a thoroughbred, you’re riding a poorbred.

hunt foxes on. But once again, Harrisko dashes the dream. There’s “no time to ride horses.”

Lots of work and too much emotion. It makes more sense to just go down to the track, place a few bets, and buy the race track itself.

the track.“Watching your horse, you’re very nervous,” gasped Harrisko, “It’s nerve-wracking.”

For me, the whole dream of owning horses peaks with retirement- ideally by the time you get bored with racing you’ve collected a ranch full of champions to trot a mountain path or

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Guests

Honeymoon

Tradition

Ring Bride

the penny-pinching prince: five reasons why the royal wedding will be more slavish than lavishby reginald tort

According to diamonpriceguide.com, the white gold engagement ring, which features an 18-carat sapphire and 14 white diamonds, is worth an estimated $500,000. Elite – I’ll grant them that – but still very affordable. However, the ring originally belonged to William’s mother, Princess Diana. In short, he inherited it. Some might call it an heirloom. I call it a hand-me-down.

With fewer than 2000 guests attending the ceremony, and a mere 300 attending the evening dinner at Buckingham Palace, the crowd at the wedding will be no larger than that at a proletariat frat party. And with five princes, three princesses, the Queen, the Prime Minister, and David and Victoria Beckham in attendance, the wedding’s guest-list looks to be positively blue-collar.

Scotland, enough said. They couldn’t even scrounge up enough shillings to leave the bloody island.

Middleton stands for middle-class. Kate Middleton’s parents own Party Pieces, a party decorations and planning company. Although they consider the business a success, Party Pieces has turned them into mere millionaires. Do you know what’s really cool Middletons? A billion dollars. Before Party Pieces, her father was a pilot and her mother, a flight stewardess. Utterly laughable. And to put the sour cherry on this cake of mediocrity, Middleton carried out her academic studies in – I can hardly bring myself to say the words – public school.

The Royal Family has a long history of throwing insubstantial, inexpensive affairs. Take, for example, the 1981 wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer. It had 27 wedding cakes, a gown with 10,000 pearls hand-sewn onto it, and an estimated cost in excess of £30 million. Positively jocular! My weekend recreations of the Battle of Jutland have nearly three times the budget!

So, dear readers, what advice can we give these mendicants masquerading as monarchs? How about living it up like another famous royal? Caligula.

The taxpayers are already committing a measly £40 million annually to sustain the Royal Family in their entire lucrative splendor, so they might as well enjoy themselves. Of course, this money could easily be used to build schools, feed the hungry, and provide an ounce of hope and decency to the lives of so many that have so little. But are those really causes worth supporting?

Don’t make me chortle.

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