The Suffolk Journal- April Fools 2016

8/18/2019 The Suffolk Journal- April Fools 2016

1/12

HIRED

AS NEXTPRESIDENT!“Guess I should have updated the bylaws...”CHAIRMAN:PREZ, AIDE

ELOPE TO

TROPICS

T HE Suffolk journal

“We’re in

love!”

VOLUME 76, NUMBER 16 suffolkjournal.net @suffolkjournal APRIL FOOLS!

* S U B J E C T T O T U I T I O N H I K E

MEYER

F R E E ! *

GATLI N

GETA WA Y!

TRAVELING PROFESSOR’S INTERCONTINENTAL

COMMUTE: “The inight movies are delightful!”See page 13See page 2

A-MISSION: SUFFOLK TO TRADE IN BUSINESS FOR

BONNETS, BUSHELS. “Change is necessary.”

Wedding Bells!

See page 13

How she got him to commit

See page 9

DEFLATEGATE: SUFFOLK STUDENT ADMITS TO

SCANDAL, VOWS TO PUMP BALLS TILL THEY POPSee page 12

“Y OU ’ RE N OT H IR ED”

MAKE SUFFOLK

GREAT AGAIN

DONALD TO SPEAK

AT GRADUATION

IN MAY

See page 13

Tips & tricks onmixing biz, love

Why they haven’tma rried yet & more

STUDENTS STUCK ABROAD: “How could you lose

that many passports?” See page 5

See page 3


2/12

The Suffolk Journal APRIL FOOLS!PAGE 2

Sassy GooseOpinionated Assistant

73 Tremont to pop bottlez

Janice IanNew Kid on the Block

Professor’s plight begins with a ight

For freshmen, one of thefirst times they consumealcohol is either at a friend’shouse or using a water bottle oran Arizona can to disguise their

vodka and rum. Fortunately,there is now a great solutionfor students to drink and getturnt up without guilt, law-breaking or parents standing inthe way.

Early last week, the city ofBoston passed a new collegeliquor law that will allowstudents 18 and over to have

access to alcoholic drinks ona college or university campusbeginning in the 2016-2017academic year.

Last Friday, Suffolk Deanof School Spirit Daisy Flowersannounced by email that inaddition to the renovations ofthe Sawyer building, an openliquor bar at 73 Tremont willalso open near the cafe thisfall. Drinks include Seagram’sEscapes, Mike’s Hard Lemonade,Miller, Miller Lite, Guinness,Bud Light, Ciroc, and other

vodka, cognac and rum options.Students will have a scanningsticker on the back of theirRam Card for the bartender toscan each order.

“We are very excited toopen a new late-night liquor

bar that will unite the Suffolkcommunity and extend theteachings of AlcoholEdu,”Flowers said. “Suffolk deservesa permanent place to relax,

laugh and socialize after astressful week.”

The new proposal, however,restricts certain drink optionsby age. Only those 21 andover can consume drinks

with an alcohol volume of30 percent and above. Thenumber of drinks varies as

well, constituting that men and women between the ages of 18and 20 will be restricted to twodrinks and one mixed drink andstudents 21 and over to twodrinks with two luxury drinkoptions.

All female students will haveunlimited access to wine.This method guarantees

student satisfaction withthe amount of drinks andsocializing. One senior student,

who sat in on a press conferenceduring the passing of the bill,recently introduced the idea tothe Board of Trustees and saidthis new bar will help students

with self control and safety when dealing with alcohol.

“When freshman studentsfinish AlcoholEdu, they willbe able to try different drinksfree of cost to discover whether

they want to be a drinker. Thiseliminates peer pressure inevery way and enables studentsto explore in a controlledenvironment,” she said.

Not only does this bar

introduce new students toalcohol, it will keep them safeon campus if an alcohol-relatedincident occurs. The bartender

will track the number of drinksper student through the RamCard and has the power to denya student’s request at any time.

In addition, the SuffolkUniversity Police Department

will be available to assist anystudent back their dorms whenthey need it as part of their

preexisting escort service.“Although students have

access to three or four drinks,it does not mean they needto drink it all in one night. Ifa student becomes drunk, itis our job to teach them theirtolerance to alcohol and howmuch they can handle,” saidSUPD officer J. Meister.

Excessive drunkennessmay lead to a month-longsuspension and a requirement

to re-take AlcoholEdu beforethe end of the semester of theiroffense. Failure to complete theprogram on time will result in a$1,000 fee.

“Hold your liquor. It’s notthat difficult,” said Flowers.

The bar will be available tostudents beginning in Octoberfrom 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. onThursday through Saturdaynights. It is scheduled to openduring Family Weekend 2016.

Rammy enjoyed a cold beer on a sunny dayfor a little liquid courage before meeting

incoming freshmen on a campus tour.

A Suffolk professor hasrecently opened up about hisrigorous tri-weekly commutefrom Boston to Suffolk’s Madrid,Spain campus. Mike Itstop, afirst-year philosophy professor,accepted the position for theSpring 2016 semester, but itcame with a daunting demand.

“When the administrationtold me I would be teachingfreshman seminar classesin Madrid on Mondays,Wednesdays and Fridays as

well as classes in Boston onTuesdays and Thursdays, Ithought they were joking,” he

said. “But they made it clearthey weren’t. They told methat hundreds of desperate,

jobless suckers applied for thisposition.”

Itstop makes the 6,800-mile round trip commute threetimes a week to preside overhis 50-minute 8 a.m. freshmanseminar, with no attendancepolicy for its eight-personroster. Immediately after hisclass ends, he must hop backonto another plane to prepare

for his class back in the States.

“It could be worse,” he said.“I always look forward to theinflight movies. I saw PaulBlart: Mall Cop 2 the other day.What a treat!”

He noted that the biggestperk of his new job is all theairline miles that he’s beenaccruing, claiming that he’saccumulated almost 100,00Southwest Flymiles.

Of the 100,000, 9,000 willreluctantly be lost to taxreturns in the next fiscal year.

“By now, they know me by

name at Terminal E,” he said.“They know just how long tomicrowave my meal and alwayslet me keep the whole can ofsoda. It makes me feel truly#blessed.”

Although he has remainedoptimistic about his situation,Itstop has questioned theaffordability of his commute, asthe average cost of his flight isnearly $2,000 apiece.

“When I asked if this evenmade sense financially, they all

started laughing hysterically,”

Itstop recalled. “After theyfinally calmed down enough tospeak, they kept asking me if Ieven knew how much tuition

was. That sparked anotherround of maniacal laughter.”

Students have shownoutrage, facing another tuitionhike in the 2016-17 school year.They have staged multiplerallies at the airport, but to noavail.

Colon Zell, the outgoingpresident of Students Ganging

AgainstAirports (SGA), echoedthe same sentiments, thoughultimately resigned for theneed of Itstop’s commute,evident in the Commuter TaskForce he established.

“I think this is absolutelyridiculous,” said Will B. Absent,a freshman student at theMadrid campus. “WheneverProfessor Itstop gets to class,he is so exhausted from hisflight that he often falls asleep.When he stays awake, he justrambles on about airline milesand subpar movies.”

In response to accusationsthat this is a majormisappropriation of funds,Suffolk released this statement:

“We understand that this

may be recognized as a foolishdecision, but we all had to gothrough initiation during ourfirst semester. It’s a Suffolktradition. Just because we are

wasting an incredible amountof money doing this doesn’tmean that it isn’t any lessnecessary. Until he’s achievedtenure, Professor Mike Itstop

will be subject to this type oftreatment, but it’s all to makethis university great again.Nobody’s getting hurt.”


3/12


Colleen All the Shots

Editor-in-Grief

ELECTION MISDIRECTION

Interested

in joining

The Suffolk Journal?

We’re funny, aren’t we?

Kinda?

But, we...

Overpromise & underdeliver

Police Blotter

Friday, April 11:37 a.m.

The Red Hat.One too many. What are ya gonna do?

Friday, April 114:00 hoursBeacon Street Hill.Hoverboarding. Confscated.

Friday, April 12:01 p.m.Pool table, 4th oor Donahue.

Indecency. Police chase.

Friday, April 11:24 a.m.Boston Common.Squirrel feeding. Jail time.

Friday, April 19:13 p.m.C. Walsh Theatre.Good neighbor violation. Investigation.

Friday, April 16:00 p.m.Library study room, second oor.Human gas emission. Fumigated.

Friday, April 12:54 p.m.NESAD.Fashion faux pas. Made over.

“He’ll do.”

- Don Key

# N e w P h o n e W

h o D i s ?

# N e w Y e a r N e w M e

# G e t A t M e

# M

e y e r T i m e

In a surprising turn ofevents, the disputed Chairman

Andrew Meyer has tradedin his resignation for reignas Suffolk’s next president,effective immediately. Echoing

the publicly-disputed SteveHarvey scandal that named the

wrong Miss America, Meyer will skip into the office in thefall after he was accidentallynamed president at the latestclosed-door meeting.

“It’s about kinship andnaming the rightful heir, evenafter pulling his name bymistake,” said a trustee in aninterview with the Journal.

His unopposed move tooffice comes on the heels of atawdry scandal; however, perthe university’s policy, once apresident is named, it’s final.

Drew Littlestraw reachedout to the press in responseto several requests on whatexactly happened. “I admitthis is an outdated policy. But,it’s simple. We just never gotaround to updating the bylaws.”

Disgruntled students havetaken to social media callingagain for Meyer’s resignation,but Meyer has already holedhimself up in the presidentialchambers, refusing to come

out until his role be supported,recognized and ultimatelycelebrated across campus.

“He’ll stop at nothing,” saidstudent Gavin Upnow. “Andfrankly, we’re exhausted. We’ll

let him have this one.”Said his secretary Shirley

Hatingthiss, “All I know is he’splanning an elaborate feast.My to-do lists are confidential,but I’ll tell you this,” she said.“Fireworks, pig roasts androdeo clowns are difficult tofind, but not impossible.”

As trustees begin to flockto either side of the sudden

election, it is clear theuniversity’s sudden change ofcourse was not expected.

Colon Zell, the StudentsGetting Answers (SGA)president, shared his opinion.“I mean, it’s gonna beawkward. But, I’ve enjoyedand will continue to enjoy mytaste of the spotlight and willfight ruthlessly to ensure that

doesn’t end anytime soon,” hesaid. “Oh, and fighting for thestudents, too, before swimsuitseason hits.”

While Meyer’s inductionceremony is months away,

sources close to the matterare prepping him for all thingsnecessary to take the spotlight.

Lashing out on Tumblr with strongly painted pictures,Meyer has taken to abstract artto express how he’s handlinghis dream come true. Othersources are marking how hispreviously-criticized realitycareer may have prepared himfor facing even the toughest ofobstacles.

“He tried for so long to beon Celebrity Apprentice, but it

just never worked out. He justkept getting fired,” said friendRegand B. Snuffed. “But, thatonly fueled the fire.”

“He’ll do,” said Don Key. “Heseems like a personable guy,

you know? He’s the kind of guy who knows where the bodiesare buried.”

Ultimately, the summer,according to Howie Gett-Here,

will demand a keen eye andheavy planning to ensure “thecorruption - I mean, correctionfor the university is on track.”


4/12


Chaperone system not supportedThe Short Report

Journal Elf

In lieu of increased crimerates by Suffolk studentsleading to injury, the universityhas implemented the BeaconHill Buddy System, which pairsevery Suffolk freshman with afaculty advisor as a chaperone

“Our students are getting

mauled. What kind of

university would we be to letthis continue?”

- Al Ficksit

Colleen Day

Editor-in-Chief

Sam HumphreyManaging

Editor/Business

Manager

Brigitte CarreiroNews Editor

Alexa Gagosz

InternationalEditor

Patrick HolmesOpinion Editor

Serina Gousby Asst. Opinion

Editor

Sharyn

Gladstone Arts Editor

Skylar ToSports Editor

Trevor Morris Asst. Sports

Editor

Craig MartinPhoto Editor

Bruce ButterfieldFaculty Advisor

The Suffolk Journal StaffSuffolk University’s Team of

Hard-Working Heroes

to and from classes.In the past month, many

freshmen have been reportedto the Suffolk University PoliceDepartment for jaywalking ontheir way from 73 Tremont

Street to 1 Beacon Street. As aresult, eight first-year studentsin the past month have foundthemselves love-tapped by

cars, taxis and the occasionalhoverboard while jaywalking.

According to SUPD, it isunknown at this time where the

reports are coming from, butsources from the Counseling,Health and Wellness Centerconfirmed multiple cases ofbruises, bumps and shin splintsoriginating from the incidents.

The new chaperone process, which will begin Monday of

next week, will alert studentsof their advisor via Suffolkemail shortly. Freshmen willbe required to submit theirclass schedule to their advisorno later than Sunday morning,

complete with preferred routesthroughout campus and areasof notable loitering.

SUPD security guard

Jay Walker alluded to thepossibility of an SUPD post atthe corner of Somerset Streetby Miller Hall to keep first-year

students in check.“We’re looking into the

most amicable and student-friendly way to go about this,”he said. “As a result, there willmost likely be two uniformedofficers posted at every cornerof that intersection, ready to

take down any offenders by whatever means necessary.”

Freshmen have been voicing their outrage at the

new rule, proposing that itgoes against the university’santi-discrimination missionstatement.

“It’s not just us,” saidfreshman Chris P. Bagels. “Theupperclassmen do it. Where aretheir chaperones?!”

Suffolk seniors just don’tcare, according to sources.

Although the city of Bostonrejects fines for jaywalking,

university officials arebecoming increasingly wary ofallowing the continued offenses.

“Our students are gettingmauled. What kind ofuniversity would we be to letthis continue?” said Dean ofStudent Glee Al Ficksit.

SUPD has been spotted staking out the areaclose by the crime scene.


5/12

INTERNATIONAL April 16, 2014 APRIL FOOLS!PAGE 5 The Suffolk Journal

Lexa No-No VegasGlobal Lover

Students strandedin Spain due tolost passports

N e e d a r i d e ?

Take one with new

Uber driver, Prof.

Bruce Butterfield!

Call 617-573-8142

to hail your cab today!

Want a FREE ride?

Just mention

The Journal

when you call!

While traveling overseas,one would think that a fewthings would always be in sight:money, personal belongings,and a passport.

However, that was not thecase for a traveling professor

with a group of students, whilein Madrid this week for theglobal business seminar at theSuffolk Madrid campus.

“I can’t believe they lost mypassport,” said junior WandaGetouttahere as she told thestory of the professor insisting

that they take everyone’spassports on Tuesday morning.By mid-afternoon, they couldn’tlocate where they were.

“They claimed it was for‘safe-keeping,’” Getouttaheresnarled as she rolled her eyes.

A university spokespersonreleased a statement to allstudents and faculty.

“I want to apologize to thefamilies and friends of thesestudents as we figure out whatthe next steps are to bringeveryone back home,” said thespokesperson in the statement.“I look forward to having

everyone come back home toSuffolk’s Boston campus tofinish out the rest of the yearstrong.”

They went into detail sayingthat they had the professor fillout a report with the local policedepartment and connected

with the U.S. embassy in Spainfor an emergency appointment.However, due to the numberof missing passports there areand how busy the embassycurrently is, the students were

told that they will not be ableto get into the embassy to talkto anyone until late next week.

In an interview with

the Journal over email, theprofessor said they will notleave Madrid until there is apromise for the students toleave and return to the Statesas well.

A university spokespersoncalled the mishap ridiculous,but a learning experience forall of those involved.

“This was an honest mistakeby the professor and I am surethat they will figure out themess with the help of theirconnections overseas,” said thespokesperson. “I’m sure that

everyone at the University isgoing to look at this and treatit as a learning experience.Maybe in a few years, it will bea little funny.”

However, students whosepassports are now lost don’thave much faith in theprofessor. Senior businessmajor Fettup Withit sent a longmessage to the Journal withanger and annoyance being themost intense feelings.

“This isn’t the first time that we have had an ill-equippedleader to have students travel

with,” said Withit in the email.

“But I really didn’t think thatsomeone that works at Suffolk

would be so careless withstudent’s property.”

Despite the university’sefforts to keep this as quiet aspossible, The Globe received atip of this incident by Tuesdaynight and made it front page ofWednesday’s edition.

“Stranded overseas:Suffolk Professor lost studentpassports,” splashed the titleacross the front page.

? ?

? ? “Maybe in a few years,

it will be a little funny.”

Congratulations!

(Le to right) Brigitte Carreiro, Alexa Gagosz, Patrick Holmes, and JakeGeanous have announced that they will be taking over the Madrid campusadministration! Tese our students and Journal editors will now be taking

charge o the university Dean, changing the cost o tuition, and runningthe school! Te university will be looking orward to the next generation

o monarchy!


6/12

The Suffolk JournalPAGE 6 APRIL FOOLS!


Journal Business Managerdrowns while filming

Baewatch

In a Baewatch comeback, agroup of Suffolk students beganfilming for the hit TV show offthe coast of the MediterraneanSea. However, while on set,there was a slight incidentconcerning the Journal’sBusiness Manager.

Sam Humphrey, a businessmajor and Business Manager atThe Journal, had recently beenstudying abroad throughoutEurope to practice his reportingtechniques for the Internationalsection as well as to add to hisever-growing resumé.

While he was there, he wastold that he was “perfect” for apart in the Baewatch TV show,

which was making a comebackin Europe.

Flattered and overly

confident, Humphrey jumped atthe idea of acting in a show that

was aired on a more reputablesetting than the television inStudio 73.

However, the part thathe filled required swimmingthroughout the MediterraneanSea -- a hobby that he neverquite learned.

On Tuesday morning, he wasseen flailing his arms rapidly

while in the water. According to several Suffolk

students as well as the directorson the scene, they believed that

was just the way he learnedhow to swim.

Unfortunately, they were wrong.

“He just told us that hedidn’t know how to swim,” saidhis mother in an interview.

According to both of hisparents, they always had poolsin their backyard while he

was growing up but still didnot know about his lack ofknowledge about how to tread

water.“I guess he just never

learned,” said his father inan interview. “I guess we justnever taught him correctly.”

Because of his heavyinvolvement on theSuffolk campus in Boston,administration has vowed to

construct a memorial for himin front of 20 Somerset. Thememorial will consist of astatue of him in his Baewatchoutfit as well as a waterfountain to symbolize his finalresting place, under the sea.

Services will be held in hishometown of Cambridge forfamily only. In addition, there

will be a public ceremony, which will be held at the nextFord Hall Forum, as he greatlyappreciated them.

TOPInternational

News

Professor Ken Martin

recognizaed as royalty

for his photography

throughout the

European Union.

News Editor Brigitte

Carreiro leaves suffolk

to pursue modeling

career in india due to

height requirements in

the U.S.

Colleen

Day and

Jimmy

Kimmel

have Affair

while in

paris.

Sam Humphrey (left) and Alexa Gagosz (right)

were the upcoming stars in the

comeback season of Baewatch.

Despite the incident, Gagosz remains in Europeto film the rest of the season.


7/12

The Suffolk Journal

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT APRIL FOOLS!PAGE 7

Sharyn Osbourne Arts Guru

McKenna, Meyer have musical history


In the beginning of thisSpring semester, the studentbody at Suffolk University weresubjected to the reemergingbattle between PresidentMargaret McKenna and

Board of Trustees Chairman, Andrew C. Meyer, Jr.However, the two weren’t

always enemies as themedia portrayed them to be.

Back in college, the two would go to a performing artssummer camp together. Atthe end of each Summer, thecampers would put on a finalproduction for the community,

where theater scouts wereknown to assess talent.

Meyer and McKenna werecast as the leads in a camper-

written production calledHomemakers, which was abouta classic 1950s newly marriedshow-biz couple, who movedto the suburbs to distancethemselves from the limelight.

After the production, thetwo stayed pen pals as theypursued their artistic endeavorsduring their senior year oftheir undergraduate programs.

The Summer aftergraduation, the two joined theThe Hub Theater Company toexpose their theatrical talents.

McKenna immediately gets

cast in a lead role, while Meyergets cast as an understudy.Finally getting the chance toperform after the lead actor isunable to, Meyer is able to stepinto the spotlight with McKenna.

This was his moment. And McKenna was outraged

that she had to share the stage with someone that could takethe attention away from her.

But, she was ready with a plan.While getting hair and

makeup done backstage,Meyer was distracted by theattention he was receiving frommakeup artists and costumedesigners fussing with his look.

In the meanwhile, McKennaslipped some laxatives toprovide some re-laxation in hisprotein shake and mixed it all up.

“This will work,” anextra heard her chuckle.

While taking their places onthe center stage, there was astrong moment of silence beforethe klieg lights turned on and allof the sudden, there was a loudgrumble from the darkness.

“Oh no,” thought Meyer as heplaced his hands on his stomach.“This is not the time for that.”

The scene begins andMeyers is red-faced and wide-eyed as he groans his linesto the appalled audience.

The first dance numbercomes on and he cannot keepup with the other dancers.Instead of moving swiftly,his steps are jagged and stiff.

Theater critic Yu Al-Suksaw the obvious blundersof Meyer and called hisperformance a “ridicule anda complete lack of focus.”

The Director admittedthat Meyer was “not

ready for the stage.”Moments before the

end of the first act, Meyer was seen hobbling off stagetoward the bathrooms.

He did not return tothe limelight after that.

Fast forward to 2015; Meyeris ecstatic to see McKennaapply for the open presidential

position at his university.Little did he know, that aftera few too many welcomecocktails at The Red Hat, thetruth just splatters comes out.


8/12

PAGE 14PAGE 8 FEBRUARY 10, 2016

PAGE 14 The Suffolk JournalPAGE 8 APRIL FOOLS!

Ben DoverSports Guy

Craig Super PAC leads to Bond role for Sanders

The official trailer for thenext edition to the James Bondfranchise was released onlineMonday and sent shockwavesthroughout the 007 fandom.The new movie, “NovemberRain,” will feature Presidentialcandidate Bernie Sandersmaking his debut as the newBond.

Previous Bond actor DanielCraig stated his disdain for therole and is quoted in saying,“I would much rather slit my

wrists than be involved inanother Bond movie, they’re all

the same,” said Craig. “I comein, find a hot girl, fight off amafia or kingpin and save the

world. Someone new needs totake over. I’m done”

Reports had surfaceddetailing Craig’s donation ofa $47,000 Super PAC to theSanders campaign under thecondition that Sanders wouldtake the role and help bring theJames Bond series back to itsformer glory.

Donald Trump will alsomake his first appearance inthe series as Goldfinger, who

will be brought back into theseries. The GOP hopeful’s wifeMelania Trump will play the

new Bond girl.When the trailer surfaced, a

massive uproar arose amongstthe presidential candidates.

Hillary Clinton wanted to takeon the role of Bond girl, butTrump threatened to sue if heand his wife were not allowed

to have a role in the film. Thestudio was quick to comply.Sanders told his supporters

yesterday during a rally “I would have rather worked witha broke college student whodeserves to work on the film.”

Ted Cruz told reporters latelast night that he felt very leftout and wanted to join theproject as well Surprisingly,Trump told the studio that hischaracter needed a right handman in the film. The studioagreed and had Trump work

with the film’s screenwritersto create the character of ImaRacist, Goldfinger’s pet cat.

Cruz will be featured in a full-body cat costume and makeupfor the whole film.

The plot of the film appearsto be about human trafficking.Trump’s Goldfinger looksto be kidnapping Muslimsand illegal aliens, sendinghenchman around the countryand shipping them a to Mexico.Goldfinger’s reign has gotten sopowerful he has begun to forcehis captives to build a wall, atno financial expense to him.

Sanders’ 007 has to find a way to stop his antagonist andfree everyone at the base campin Texas where they are beingheld at the Donald Goldfinger

Towers prison.In one heartwarming clip

from the trailer, Bond givessneaks into the facility and tells

a few prisoners that he willmake sure they receive l $15 an

hour minimum wage and offersthem a free college educationfor all the work they’ve done.

Sanders was told by his

medical team that he shouldnot attempt to do his own

stunts or simulate any sexualactivity with his Bond girl.It is rumored that Trumpintervened in preventing his

By Facebook user Hillary Clinton News

wife from filming such scenesto “protect her image.”

“November Rain” isexpected to hit the theaters inmid-October just before for thepresidential election.

“Reports had surfaced detailing Craig’s donation of a $47,000 Super PAC to the Sanders campaign under the

condition that Sanders would take the role.”

Beacon Hill gets addicts over actorsLexa No-No Vegas

Global Lover

Despite the pompouspeople of Beacon Hill andtheir numerous complaintsabout the recent involvementand rowdiness of the Suffolkcampus in the past ten years, itdoesn’t look like getting rid ofthe C. Walsh Theatre is goingto change anything.

Due to the closing of theLong Island Bridge last year,the homelessness and numberof drug addicts congregatingaround Downtown Boston

is at a steady rise, making itinevitable for the city to opensome type of facility for themto go to.

The city of Boston hasdecided that the once greatC. Walsh Theatre that housed

various operatic events is nowgoing to be renovated into aSafe Injection Facility for theaddicts to practice their loveaffairs with a needle or pipe.

“We are excited to announcethe opening of this safe facilityfor the alternative citizen,” saida city official. “However, the

backlash from the residents ofthe hill doesn’t seem so keenon the idea.”

Cheryl Putnam, of BeaconHill and signature soccermom, spoke out at the last hill

meeting with fellow residents.“This is no difference,” saidPutnam. “The college kids that

we have now and heroin addictsthat we will have in the futurehave the same type of morals.”

The city has fought backand said enough is enoughand that Beacon Hill’s lack ofdiversity needs to change andthey “cannot customize theirneighbors.”

Yet, the theater isn’t goingaway completely. As the sparkly,new station of GovernmentCenter has finally openedafter a two-year waiting game,Suffolk’s theater departmenthas settled that not only will

you be able to get home onthe blue or green line in thestation, but now you will alsoreceive some entertainment!

“This isn’t just anyentertainment that most Tstations have here in Boston,”said theatre student BreccaLegg. “We have upgraded theblind violin man at Park Street.We have a real show!”

As C. Walsh will now bemoved into the GovernmentCenter T Station in front of cityhall, they are already planning

their first show to be beforegraduation this year. Rightbefore final exams begin, they

will be putting on Hair, whichis a musical about the 1960sexperimental age of narcotics

while reminiscing acid trips,relevant for who took overtheir once, beloved theater.

Sharyn Osbourne Arts Guru

By Facebook user Performing Arts Ofce - Suffolk University


9/12

The Suffolk Journal

OPINION APRIL FOOLS!PAGE 9

@pattywhackemOpinionated Editor

Suffolk goes back to its roots

StAfF eDiToRiAl

Suffolk’s Board of Trusteesand President McKenna recentlyhad a meeting that determinedthe current outcome oftransitioning the university toan all Amish campus. In lightof the turmoil between the two,this decision is a resolution sothat the students will finally bequiet on social media.

McKenna, tired of all thesupport from her fans, thinksthat the decision will benefit theuniversity and fix the cripplingdebt Suffolk has obtained.While the Board of Trusteesagrees, they are hoping thatthis will drive students out sothat costs will go even furtherdown.

After hearing about this, Italked to students and facultyaround campus and wasreceiving mixed reviews. Oneprofessor who has been milkinghis tenure said, “This is the bestthing that could have happenedto the university! No morecomputers, no more electricityin general! We can go back to

the time when I was a childand I almost died on our familyfarm. Ah, the memories.”

In comparison, a Suffolksophomore said, “I can’t believe

we’re going to have to godown to the Charles River toget drinking water. We evenhave to kill pigeons from thecommon for food. They won’teven let me transfer anymore!We might die!”

From hatred and disgustto excitement and happiness,all emotions are felt acrossthe board with this decision.Personally, I am more thangrateful for this decision dueto the campus-wide cyberbullying on social media. Nolonger will students be able toaccess technology and will haveto bully the Amish way: by arm

wrestling in a pool of butter.But besides the butter,

students will now have to ridea horse-drawn buggy to eachclass with or without theirconsent. Moreover, bedtime

will be 8 p.m. sharp with noexcuses or you are sent to the

chicken coop for the night.However terrible these

guidelines seem, they arebeneficial to the university.Students will now have norights and will be governed by

the all-powerful ruler, Waldo,but first they have to find him.

As usual, the students hadno say in the decision, as manydid not know the meeting washappening. Because of this, Iresearched the history of theuniversity and it turns outthat when Suffolk was firstestablished, it was Amish. TheBoard and McKenna are tryingto bring Suffolk back to itsroots when it was prosperousand successful.

Although students arefrustrated, parents are morethan thrilled. One parent said,“I’ve always wanted my son tolearn how to hunt and to focuson his masculinity!” Otherparents expressed similarthoughts.

It seems that Suffolk hasnever been in a better placethan it is now with this decision.Even with the constant riotsfrom students, Suffolk isdefinitely at its best besides thecontaminated water and peoplequitting left and right.

Overall, Suffolk has nochance of closing under thesupervision of our fearless,

dedicated and corrupt leaders!

Now accepting incoming students into thenew Amish culture for Fall 2016!

We are very excited to share with you our annual April Foolsedition where we cover all things far from the truth. We hada lot of fun putting the newspaper together and we hope that

everyone reading will also enjoy it and maybe laugh out loud.Please note, all the news is false and should not be takenseriously. This edition is only made for a good laugh and forthe reader’s enjoyment. We certainly had many laughs so tryto have a good time while reading!

Happy April Fools!


10/12

The Suffolk JournalPAGE 10 APRIL FOOLS!

@pattywhackemOpinionated Editor

Duped by duplicating

Boss and underling declarecodependence

Boston Born Medium!

Do you have questions that

need answers?

Te Counseling, Health andWellness Center now has aproessional Medium that

can give you all the answers!

The Suffolk University PoliceDepartment was dumbfounded

when students living in 150Tremont were complainingthat other students wereentering their dorm roomsunannounced even when thedoor was securely locked.

These recent allegationshave been investigated, and noevidence was found of break-dancing and entering. So theunderlying question is: Howare students entering theserooms without tampering withthe lock?

It seems very simplethat students are obviouslytaking these dorm keys andduplicating them. There is noother explanation as to howstudents have break-dancedand entered into dorm roomsthat are not theirs withoutbrute force.

At first, it seemed that somestudents were practicing the

art of lock picking, but aftercareful inspection of the locks,it was concluded that there wasno indication of tampering.

After the conclusion wasannounced, I went aroundasking students about the

recent incidents. Surprisingly,students were more than

willing to talk about theirendeavors with locksmithsand to how they were enteringdorm rooms that were not theirown.

A group of freshmen namedthe “Lock Picking Looters,”living in 150 Tremont founda nearby locksmith that was

willing to duplicate keys forthem to prank other studentsin the dorm. Although thisseems hilarious, it can be scaryfor the person being pranked

when there is a random humanin your dorm in the middle ofthe night.

“At first, it started off as agame,” said one of the freshmaninvolved. “Then it became moreserious and we started eatingfood, putting on makeup, and

wearing their clothes because why not? It was easy.”

It seems that a smallminority of students living in150 Tremont were in on thisprank. That being said, thesestudents have many more dormroom raids planned. In the nextfew weeks, this anonymouslyknown group plans onduplicating other important

Suffolk keys, including theone to President MargaretMcKenna’s office and house.

One student that wasaffected by the Lock PickingLooters spoke out against themand said, “They are terrorizing

my dorm and it’s not a healthyenvironment for my Beanie

Babies. I wake up during thenight to comfort them becausethey are so scared of theseBeanie Baby terrorists.”

No one knows how far thesestudents will go and what theirnext devious plan is to dupeSUPD other than duplicatemore keys. But I have a theorythat they will go even furtherand duplicate the keys of otherimportant buildings aroundBoston.

The duplication process forthese keys does not take verylong and is inexpensive, costingthem only packs of gum, whichmakes their plans much moreeffective. However, SUPD ison constant watch for thesemasterminds and will arrestanyone who looks like them.

I would advise all Suffolkstudents to start wearingmasks so that SUPD cannot see

your face and assume that youare one of the students in thegroup. Other than that, there isno way for students to be safefrom the police, as they willarrest anyone who remotelylooks like the student group. These students are not to be

trusted and are very dangerous.It is known that they haveextensive training as con artistsand burglary. If interested in

joining these students andlearning their skills, pleasecontact them.

Should Suffolk have an anthem?Send in your ideas to Student

Leadership and Involvement by Friday!

Help fix Suffolk’s crippling debt!Donate today at

suffolkneedsalotofelp.org

Suffolk is building more offices and

it’s your turn to decide where! Send inideas to SLI by Friday!

Follow @makesuffolkgreatagain onwitter!

Student starting one ootballteam! Is he onto something?


11/12


That Guy Over There!Sports Guy

Suffolk’s Athletic department welcomed a new addition tothe Suffolk sports team lineup,bringing in the university’s firstand only Division I team. In astatement released Tuesday,the department declared theaddition of an official foosballteam.

Newly appointed athleticdirector Michael Johnson isecstatic about the new team.

“We saw how passionate thestudents were about foosballfrom watching the games inthe Sawyer Lounge,” stated the

rookie athletic director. “At3 p.m. in the afternoon on aTuesday, there were almost fivestudents watching and gettingreally into it.”

Foosball at the SawyerLounge is a Suffolk staple formany students. It is almost arite of passage when waitingfor their coffee at the SawyerCafé or trying to kill some timein between classes. Games willlast an astonishing 15 minutesat a time, sometimes evenlonger.

Students from all classes willbe lining up at varying hours of

the day for the games. Friends will turn into rivals during theheated confrontation, and a

variety of crude insults will beshouted, much to the dismayof students just sitting thereminding their own business.

“Me and my buddies arealways playing before ourphilosophy class,” said Suffolk

junior and veteran foosballplayer Vic Romano.

Romano says with a cocky

grin, “I think I am the real truechampion in the Sawyer Café.”

Nick Rivera, a friend ofRomano’s and pre-med student,

feels the exact opposite.“Vic thinks he’s the best at

foosball,” Rivera said. “But outof all the matches we have had,I think it is safe to say that Itruly am the better man.”

“It is the students who yellawful jokes about the otherplayer’s mother and take thegame of foosball way tooseriously, who really make thisnew team feel like a crucialpart to the Suffolk sportscommunity,” said an optimisticJohnson in the statement.

The Division I announcement

comes as shock not only to thestudent athletes, but to the restof the student body as well.

A university with baseball,basketball and hockey teams,among others, are not in themost competitive division in allof NCAA sports.

Suffolk’s Athleticdepartment is also rumored tobe in the process of setting upa Division I miniature golf teamto go head-to-head with otherminiature golf teams. Whenasked about the rumor, NCAAPresident Kenny Blankenship issaid to be confused.

“What is this,” Blankenshipasked. “Who are you and

why do you want to ask meabout mini-golf at two in themorning?”

Suffolk’s athletic departmentplans on holding tryouts for theteam over the summer in theSawyer Café.

The department believesthe lack of students in the caféover the summer will take thepressure off of the athletes.

Suffolk University’s golf team wants to get happy. And happy they

will get with new face of the team, hockey-wannabe reject and “pro-golfer”

Happy Gilmore. The hotheaded, foul-mouthed player is ready for another

swing at hitting 400+ drives out on the court. “I guess after 20 years of

waiting on a Happy Gilmore 2, it looks like a movie sequel isn’t happening,”

Gilmore said. “I need to get back out there, and get my fans back into it.

I’m starting to feel like a nobody, again.”

Craig Martin/ Journal Staff

Fools for Foosball:

Suolk starts D1 team


12/12

The Suffolk Journal

SPORTS APRIL FOOLS!PAGE 12

ColleenAllTheShotsExceptThisOne

Months after the New England Patriots were subject to a deflategate scandal during last years playoffs, thereal perpetrator has come forward. And, much to the university’s dismay, is a well-respected, well-known, highlypopular, handsome and physically fit, junior management major Sam Humphrey of Cambridge.In a press conference at the Red Hat, Humphrey defended his actions, marking them “holy” as a shepherd to the

Patriot’s Superbowl win that year.“I gained access to the locker room and I squeezed all the footballs wicked hahd. You’re welcome,” the perpetrator

said. As for what brought him to the game in the first place, aspiring facilities manager said, “I was with my mothah,

who is a real piece of work. She says she has a cold. I’m like, ya don’t have a cold. I’m not leavin’ the game. I paida lotta money for these seats. Ya gonna stay.”“So iz get up and walk around while she’s naggin’ me for god knows what and I see Tommy- and Tommy’s like

family. And Tommy and I go way back. We were in home ec. together in middle school with Ms. Sullivan,” saidHumphrey.Listing his motives ranging from patriotism to his summers in Roslindale where he met high-class broads like

Colleen O’Connor Day, Humphrey admits he acted alone and after months of scandal and skepticism decided toturn himself in to set the record straight and fall on his sword for Tom Brady.“Yeah right, no way. Tommy is a hero- he wouldn’t do nothin’ .I’m the perpetrator. I’m turning myself in.”“It was all me. I’m the guy,” he said with a snarl. “I’m just a Patriot; I did this for my country and for all of Pats

nation. I just wanted to be a hometown hero, that’s all.” As for Brady, his name has been cleared and Humphrey is now getting up on his feet after several rejections,finally landing a spot at Suffolk as the head of equipment management.Said Humphrey, “If Tom Brady can win 6 Supabowls, 3 championships and 2 MVPS, imagine what I can get these

Rams after months of squeezing.”“Only thing that’s getting deflated here is our loss records,” concluded Humphrey. “And my motha’s chances on

coming to anotha game with me.”“Go Pats.”

Deflategate:

How one wicked hahd

Boston guy squeezed

his way into Suffolk

The Suffolk Journal- April Fools 2016

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