The Pocket Butler: A Compact Guide to Modern Manners, Business Etiquette and Everyday Entertaining

COPYRIGHT©2015CHARLESMACPHERSONASSOCIATESINC.

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PrintISBN:978-0-449-01680-0e-bookISBN:978-0-44901681-7

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PublishedinCanadabyAppetitebyRandomHouse®,AdivisionofRandomHouseofCanadaLimited,

APenguinRandomHouseCompanywww.penguinrandomhouse.ca

v3.1

Tomyfather,RobertWilliamMacPherson.

Businessman,bonvivant,teacherandraconteur.

CoverTitlePageCopyrightDedicationIntroduction

ETIQUETTETheModernGreetingLineOrderofPrecedenceReceptionProtocolANoteonNotesSendingYourNotes

TheLanguageoftheButlerPosture

GreetingGuestsDoorsandDoorways

CarsMakingIntroductions

TheDo’sandDon’tsofaHandshakeHowtoOfferYourBusinessCard

CubiclesHowtoCalculateaTipTipsbyCountry

ENTERTAININGHostandHostessGifts

DressCodeDressingGuidebyOccasionTableSettingBasics

ChinaCutlery

ServingUtensilsGlassware

HowtoHoldaDinnerKnifeandForkTable-SettingProcessUsingaButler’sStickNapkinFoldingMenuCards

HowtoPrepareaCheesePlate

ThePerfectBarDecantingWine

PoppingChampagnePreparingtoEat

PoliteTableConversationTopTenRulesofTableMannersAfternoonTeavs.HighTeaHowtoBrewaPotofTea

CoffeeStylesCreatingthePerfectGuestBedroom

TheGuestBook

BEFOREYOUGO…FoodandWinePairings

TheButler’sFoolproofMenuPlansCookbooksEveryoneShouldOwn

Acknowledgements

IHAVESERVEDASMAJOR-DOMOforprominentfamiliesaroundtheworld,offeringhouseholdhelpandstafftrainingservicesincountlesscountries.Itismybeliefthatthereisnopoliticalorbusinessleader,dignitary,kingorqueen,ormoviestarwhocanmanagewithoutdomesticprofessionalsinthewings.Whatareallygoodbutlerknowsarethesecretsofthetradethatsimplifyhousekeepingandentertainingathome.It’sthelittleluxuries—simplehumankindness,decencyandattentiontodetail—thatmakeadinnermemorableorthatturnahouseintoahome.Followingthesuccessofmyfirstbook,TheButlerSpeaks:AReturnto

ProperEtiquette,StylishEntertainingandtheArtofGoodHousekeeping,IwasconsistentlysurprisedbythefeedbackIreceivedfromreaders.Althoughtherewasgreatinterestinthedomestichousekeepingsectionofthebook,thequestionsIwasaskedmostoftenrelatedtoetiquetteandentertaining.Ibegantoseetheneedforamorecompactreferenceguidethatwouldhelpreadersshareinthesmallpleasuresavailabletoallofus.Ienvisionedabookthatwouldbegearedtowardsyoungprofessionals,peoplewholovetoentertainandanyonelookingtoincreasetheircomfort,socialskillsandknowledgeintheseareas.AndIwantedtowritesomethingthatwouldbewell-lovedandthumbedthroughtimeandtimeagain.TherenownedcookJuliaChildoncetoldmethatherfavouritepartofsigningherreaders’cookbookswasseeingallthemessy,food-splatteredpages.Shelovedknowingthatherbookswerecherishedandusedoften.Afteragreatbottleofwinewithmypublisher,Robert,wedecidedtopursuethisidea—aneasy-to-followbookthatwouldbeadefinitiveandhelpfulresourcethatreaderscouldtrulymaketheirown.Andso,ThePocketButlerwasborn!Because,nomatterwhoyouare,youcanconductamoreproductivesociallife(andamoreproductivecareer,too)withtipsandtrickslearnedfromaprofessionalbutler.Iconsidermyselfluckyindeedtohaveworkedasabutlerformore

thantwenty-sixyears.Ihavehadtheopportunitytowatchthemostincredibleeventsunfoldwithinthewallsoffamousandopulenthouseholdsaroundtheworld.HowmanypeoplegetthechancetowitnessadinnerinthestatediningroomofBuckinghamPalace?OrstayintheprivateresidenceoftherenownedHôtelduMarc,ownedby

VeuveClicquotPonsardin?Orspendhoursflyingat35,000feetinaGulfstreamVwithacelebrity?Butlersandhouseholdmanagersworkhard,butinreturn,weareofferedrareglimpsesofthedailylivesoftherichandfamous.Butperhapsyou’rewonderingwhatthathastodowithyou.Asbusyworkingpeople,youandIhavemanydemandsandstressesinourlivesthatweneedtoovercome.That’swhereIcomein.Justasyouwouldseekmedicalorlegalhelpforaproblem,Iamtheprofessionalwhohasinsightintohowtomakeentertainingandmannersanaturalpartofyourlife.Thesesocialskillsarethecompetitiveadvantagestherichandfamoususeeveryday,andyoucanusethemtoo.ThefamousdesignerOscardelaRenta(1932–2014)taughtmeoneofthemostimportantlessonsofmyprofessionallife.Whenasked,“Whatisluxury?”hisresponsewasthis:“Luxuryisafeeling.”Hewentontoexplainthatpayingahighpricetobeservedacupofcoffeeinafancyhotelbyanemployeewhopaysnoattentiontoyouisnotluxurybecauseitdoesn’tmakeyoufeelspecial;rather,youleavedisappointed.Incontrast,buyingacheapercoffeepreparedbyavendorwhogivesyouhisundividedattentionmakesyoufeelappreciatedandacknowledged.Thatisgoodservice.Thatisluxury.Luxurycanbehadbyanyoneatanytime,andgiventoanyoneatanytime,becauseit’saboutmakingsomeonefeelwelcomed,cherishedandlookedafter.Andifyoucanmasterthisconcept,successinbothyourbusinessandpersonallifeissuretofollow.

CharlesP.MacPherson

WELIVEINATIMEwhentechnologyistakingoverourlives.Weusedtospendeveryeveningbreakingbreadwithfriendsandfamilyatthedinnertable,butthedemandsofmodernlivingaresuchthat,formanyofus,dinnerispickedupfromadrive-throughwindowwhilerushingtoakid’ssoccerpractice.Homeentertainmentismoreaboutmicrowavedpopcornandamovierental,andhousekeepingisthatSundayafternoonscrambletodolaundryandtidyupbeforeanotherbusyworkweekbegins.Similarly,rulesofsocialdecorumhavefallenbythewayside,andfewerpeopleseemtorealizethetruevalueofproperetiquetteandhowitcanenrichourdailylivesandsocialinteractions.Thoughweareluckytohavesomanyamenitiesatourfingertips,neverbeforehastherebeenatimewhenweneededprofessionalguidancemore—onmannersandetiquette,onhowtoentertainwithstyleandonhowtomanageourhomesinawaythatprovidesagreaterqualityoflifeandresultsinhappiness.Manypeoplefeelthathavingpropermannersmeansbeingstuffyand

pretentious,butI’mheretotellyouthatnothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth!Youcanbewell-mannered,culturedandagreathomeentertainerwhilebeingyourself—infact,there’snootherwaytobe.Forme,etiquetteisnotasetofclassistrulesforrich,famousorsnobbypeople;rather,it’sawayofbeing,basedonunderstandingotherpeopleandhavingconsiderationfortheirneeds.LetitiaBaldrige(1925–2012),thedoyenneofAmericanetiquette,oncetoldmeherdefinitionofetiquette.Shedefineditashowweactatthebreakfasttablewhensittingwithfamily;howwespeaktothebusdriveronourwaytowork;orhowwespeaktosomeonelikeourmother-in-lawwhensheisdrivingusalittlecrazy.Whatshewassuggestingisthatetiquetteappliestoeveryone—inanysocialinteraction.Don’tworryaboutmemorizingrigidVictorianrulesandoutdatedcodesofconduct.Instead,worktoadaptthesecoreprinciplestofityourdailylife,whateverthatmayinclude.Modern-dayetiquetteisaboutbehavingwithgracearoundothers,but

itservesanotherfunctionaswell:itgivesussomethingtofallbackoninnew,strangeorawkwardsituations.Goodetiquettealwaystakesintoaccountcultural,generationalandsocialdifferences,anditallowspeopletohandleallsituationswithcivilityanddignity.This

understandingisparamountforsuccess,becausethemoreyoulearnaboutetiquette,andthemoreyoucanincorporatetheseideasintoyourdailylife,thehigheryourself-confidencewillclimb.Now,whenIsay“self-confidence,”Ihopenoonewillconfusethatwitharrogance(whichis,intruth,alackofconfidence).Self-confidencethatstemsfrometiquetteisultimatelyaboutcomfort.It’saboutputtingyourselfateaseinanysocialsituation,butmoreimportantly,it’saboutputtingotherpeopleatease.Alongwithmymother,whotaughtmehowtoshowrespectforstrangers,friends,colleaguesandfamilymembersalike,Ihadahighschoolteacher,Mrs.DorothyWolfson,whohelpedteachmehowtobecomfortableinmyownskin.Mrs.Wolfsonshowedmethatmyetiquetteinsecuritiesmademeappearsnobbishtoothers,whichwasnottheimpressionIwantedtoleaveatall!Bydevelopingmyownself-confidenceinthisfield,andlearninghowtoacceptmyself,Iwasabletoshowthatgenerositytowardsothers,andIamtrulyahappierpersonforit.Iknowthatyouwillbe,too.Etiquette,bothsocialandbusiness,beginswiththewayinwhichyoupresentyourselftotheworld.Forthatreason,inthissectionofThePocketButlerwewilllookatmattersofpresentation,introduction,entrancesandexits,politeacknowledgement,andofficecomportment,offeringtipsandsuggestions.Whenyoucanconductyourselfthroughthesemomentswithpoise,youwillaccomplishthegoalofetiquette:puttingothersattheireasewithrespectandthoughtfulness.

THEMODERNGREETINGLINEAfewyearsago,aclientaskedmetogototheMiddleEasttospendsometimetraininghisstaff.Myclient’sresidencehasbeeninthefamilyforseveralgenerationsandisparticularlylarge,evenbymystandards—theyhaveseveralthousandpeopleonstaff.Infact,Idon’tthinkIhaveeverworkedinabiggerhousehold!WhileIwasthere,Iwasaskedtotrainthehouseholdstaffinthetraditionofagreetingline.Thisisaformalreceptioninwhichthehousestaffgathersinanorganizedmanneroutsidethehousetogreetguestsupontheirarrivalandtobidthemfarewellwhentheyareleaving.ThoseofyouwhowatchDowntonAbbeywillhaveseenthestaffline

upatthemainentranceofHighclereCastlewheneveranewguestisscheduledtoarrive.Incontemporarysituations,whenwethinkofagreetingline,welikelydon’tpictureanythingquitesogrand.But,truthfully,awell-composedgreetinglinecouldnotbemorerelevanttoday.Youmightpictureawedding,withthenewcoupleandtheirfamilyinaformalreceivingline.Nowlet’sthinkofthisinadifferentway.Imagineyourcompanyhasinvitedanimportantpotentialnewclienttoyourboardroomforapresentation.Makingtheinitialrightimpressioniseasyifyouhaveplannedinadvancehowtheclientwillarrive,whowillgreetyourguestatthefrontdoorandwhowillescorthimorhertotheboardroom.Butmostimportantly,someoneneedstothinkaboutwherealltheemployeeswillstand,whoonyourteamwillmaketheintroductionsandtheorderinwhichyourteamwillbepresented.Thesesmalldetailsareoftenoverlooked,buttheymakeanimportantimpressionwhendonecorrectly.

ORDEROFPRECEDENCETherewasatimeinhistorywhenyousataroundadiningtableinthe“orderofprecedence.”Yourseatatthetabledependedonyourstationorrankinsociety,andtherewerewell-establishedrulesaboutwhosatwhere,andwhy.Today,wemaynotrefertotheorderofprecedencewhenpreparingforadinnerinourhomes,butthatdoesn’tmeanwedon’tapplyruleswhenitcomestoseatingarrangements.

Ithinkofanorderofprecedencetodayasawayofsortingagroupofpeopleandfindingthemostsensibleandrespectfulplacementforthemaroundatable.Maybeyou’rewonderingwhyguestsatatableneedto

besortedatall?Thinkaboutitthisway:ifyouhadtwelvepeopletoyourhomeforaformaldinner,you’dhavetothinkaboutwhosatwhereorchaoswouldensue.Youcouldendupwithamanaccidentallyseatedbetweenhiscurrentandformergirlfriends.Oryoumightfindawriterseatednexttothebookcriticwhojustsavagedhisworkinareview!Whataboutadinnerwithcolleaguesatarestaurant?Whositswhere,andhowisthatdecisionmade?Andifyouhaveeverorganizedaweddingbanquet,youknowalltoowellhowimportantitistothinkaboutseating,becauseyouwantyourgueststofeelcomfortableandateasewiththosearoundthem.Forsomethinglikeaformalinternationalstatedinner,rankisstillone

ofthefactorsthatdeterminesseatingatthetable.Otherfactorscouldincludetherelationshipofgueststothehostsandanynationalorregionalcustoms.NorthAmericantablesaretypicallyorganizedsothatguestsalternatemaleandfemale,withthehostatoneendofthetableandthehostessattheother.Ideally,thehostwillhavethehighest-rankingfemaleguestonhisrightandthesecond-highest-rankingfemaletohisleft.Andthehostesswillhavethehighest-rankingmaleguesttoherrightandthesecond-highest-rankingmaletoherleft.Theorderofprecedencewillfollowinthiswaydownthetable.Buteveniftheeventyou’reorganizingisn’tnearlyasformalasastatedinner,puttingsomeeffortintoaseatingplanwillensurethatnobodyisoffendedbysomethingastrivialastheirplaceatthetable.Atasocialevent,Iwouldrecommendseatingpeoplesothatthereissomeminglingofgenerations,butmakingsurethatnoonefeelsstrandedwithoutapersonoftheirownageorinterestgrouptotalkto.It’salsofuntoseatpeopletogetherknowingthattheyshareacommoninterest.Inabusinesssetting,seatpeopleaccordingtocompanyseniority.

RECEPTIONPROTOCOLNotmanyofuswilleverattendanofficialstatereception,butmuchoftheetiquettearoundsucheventsappliesequallytootherimportantfunctions.Herearesometips:

BUTLER’STIP

InCanada,premiersareseatedaccordingtowhentheirprovincejoinedConfederation.ThelongertheprovincehasbeeninCanada,thebettertheseatatthetable.

•Beontime:Whenitcomestoimportantevents,thereisnosuchthingas“fashionablylate.”Beafewminutesearlyifyouwillhavetocheckyourcoatorifyoudon’tknowexactlywheretogo.

•Donotover-worktheroom:Aformaleventisnotforpromotingyournewbusinessorrallyingsupportforacause.Usetheeventasanopportunitytogettoknowpeople,andcontactyournewconnectionstodiscussspecificmattersaftertheeventisover.

•Neveraskformorefood:Askingforasecondhelpingofsomethingwilldrawunwantedattention.Largeeventsaregenerallyplanneddowntotheminute.Byaskingformorefoodyoumayupsetthetimingofadinner,andinsultyourhostorhostess.

•Connectwithyourhostandhostess:Makeanefforttospeakwithyourhostandhostess.Remembertotakeonlyafewminutesoftheirtime.Ifyoumonopolizeyourhostatastatereception,anofficialmaypolitelyinviteyoutoenjoytherestofyoureveningandpointyoutothedancefloor.Atalessformalfunction,youmightjustfindtheotherguests

givingyousourlooks!

•Leavegracefully:Ifthereisaguestofhonour,notethathisorherexitisyourcuetodothesame.Finishonelastdance,orcocktailatthebar,thensayyourgoodnightsandheadforthedoor.Ifthereisnoguestofhonoursingledout,besensitivetothecuesthatthepartyiswindingdown.

ANOTEONNOTESTherewasatime,longbeforee-mails,whenpersonal,handwrittencorrespondencewascommon.Everyproperhouseholdhadofficialstationery,andbutlersandotherheadsofstaffusedthistocorrespondwithtradespeople,aswellasforthank-younotesandotherhousehold-relatedcommunications.Ilovethisold-fashionedcustom,andIbelievethatinourfast-pacedworld,onewayofreallyconnectingwithsomeoneistoturnbacktotraditionandoffersomethingpersonalized—ahandwrittenthank-youcard,afollow-upnoteoraninvitation.Justashandwrittennotesarefallingoutoffashion,soisfinestationery.Still,Iadvocateareturntothistradition,too.E-mailssimplycannotcompetewiththebeautyandeleganceofacardornote.Ahandwrittennoteisappropriatetothankahostorhostessfortheirhospitality,tosendthanksforagiftortoexpresscondolencesorcongratulations.Tryineachcasetoaddapersonaltouch.Seesomeexamplesonthefollowingpages.

THANK-YOUYouwillnevergowrongbysendingathank-younote,andyoumayevenbe(silently)criticizedfornotsendingone.Sodomaketheefforttoshowyourtrueappreciationandmaketherecipientfeelvalued!

CONDOLENCESThisisoneofthemostdifficultnotestowrite.Peopleoftendon’tknowwhattosaytohelpalleviatethepainofmourningalovedone.Icompletelyunderstandthatsentiment,butthisisonenoteyoureally

needtowrite.Ifindthatthebestthingyoucandoistowritefromtheheart.Also,sharingareminiscenceaboutthedeceasedpersoncanreallyhelpwiththebereavedperson’sgrief.

CONGRATULATIONSWhodoesn’tloveanotecongratulatingyouforamilestoneyouarecelebratingorajobwelldone?Becauseofthelackofnotestoday,thesemakeevenmoreofanimpressionandarethatmuchmoreimportantasatoolofcommunication.

SENDINGYOURNOTESInadditiontofewerwrittennotes,Ihavenoticedmanypeoplewhodonotknowwhyitisimportanttostuffanenvelopeinaparticularway,orhowtodoit.Theobjectivewiththistaskisthatwhentheenvelopeisopenedbythereceiver,heisabletoreadtheprintedmaterialeasily,withouthavingtotwistandturnthecontents.

THEFLATCARDThistypeofcardshouldgointotheenvelopewiththecontentsofthe

cardfacingthebackoftheenvelope.

THEFOLDEDCARDThefoldededgeshouldbealignedwiththebottomoftheenvelope,withthefrontofthecardfacingthebackoftheenvelope.

THETHREE-FOLDLETTERAnormalbusinessletterisalwaysfoldedtwice,givingyouthreeparts.Startwiththeletterfacinguponthetable.Thebottomisfoldedfirstupwardsone-thirdoftheway,andthenthetopoftheletterisbroughttofacethebottom.Placetheletterintotheenvelopesothatthebottomfoldgoestothebottomoftheenvelope,withthefaceofthelettertowardsthebackoftheenvelope.Whenthereaderremovesthepieceofpaper,heorshewillbeabletounfolditandimmediatelyreadthetextonthepage.

THELANGUAGEOFTHEBUTLERNomatterhowmanytimesyoumayhaveheardthis,Ibelieveitbearsrepeating:“Youhavejustonechancetomakeafirstimpression.”Whenyouseesomeoneforthefirsttime—afutureemployer,ablinddateorananchorpresentingthenews—youimmediatelyformanimpressionofthatperson,beitpositiveornegativeorneutral.Thisimpressionismadewithinsecondsoftwoindividualsmeetingandisextremelydifficulttochange.Fairornot,thatfirstfeelingisbasedoncountlesstangiblesandintangibles,includingphysicalappearance,bodylanguage,attitudeorevenawrittencommunication.

Hereareafewpointersthateverybutlerknowstohelpcreateagoodfirstimpression.

•Whenmeetingsomeoneforthefirsttime,repeathisorhernameinyourconversation.

•Usetheappropriateamountofformalitydependingonthecircumstance—thewayinwhichyouareintroducedwillhopefullyprovideyouwithclues—butwheneveryou’reuncertain,erronthesideofbeingmoreformal,atleastatfirst.Mostpeoplewilltellyouifthey’dpreferalessformalstyleofaddress,butfewwilltellyouwhenyou’veerredandgonetooinformal.

•Listencarefullywhenyoumeetsomeone,notonlytothewordsapersonusesbutalsototheirunderlyingmeaning.Respondwhenappropriate,andbegenerousandgracious.

•Alwaysmaintaineyecontact.

•Becarefulofusinghumour.Ifyouaremeetingsomeoneforthefirsttime,youdonotwanttooffendthem.

•Checkyouregoatthedoor.Waituntilyouhaveestablishedcredibilitybeforeyouevenconsiderchallengingsomeoneyou’vejustmet.

•Chooseyourwordscarefullybecause,rightlyorwrongly,whatyousaywillbeusedtojudgeyourintelligence,education,culturaldevelopmentandabilities.

BODYLANGUAGEImagineyouareoneoftwopeopleapplyingforajob.Asthefirstcandidateinterviewed,youstandtall,youofferafirmhandshake,youlooktheinterviewerintheeyeandyousmileconfidently.Thesecondcandidate,however,hasaslumpedposture,pullshishandawaytooquicklyduringahandshakeandlooksatthegroundwhenothersspeak.Evenbeforeeithercandidatehassaidaword,animpressionhasbeen

made.AsCandidate1,you’vesettherighttone,whereasCandidate2isalreadysendingthemessagethathecan’thandlethejob.Agoodbutlerhasmuchtoteachusabouthowtomakeagoodfirstimpression.Heknowsthatbodylanguageisanimportant,non-verbalpartofcommunication,asaregestures,poses,movementsandexpressions.Ashestandsbythedoor,answersthephoneorgoesabouthisdailychores,hisvoice,postureandmannerexemplifycalmdignity.Thinkofthisasarecipeforfirst-impressionsuccess,nomatterwhatthecircumstance.

WRITTENLANGUAGEFirstimpressionsarenotalwaysmadeinperson.Asoftenasnot,youwillmeetanewcolleagueorclientbye-maillongbeforeyoumaketheiracquaintancewithahandshake.

E-mailAswonderfulatoolase-mailis,Ifindthatifnotusedcorrectly,itisguaranteedtocausemisunderstandingsandincorrectinterpretationsoftheoriginalmessage—andthisisnevermoreimportantthanwhenmakingafirstimpression.Whencommunicatingviae-mail,keepitbrief,ontopicandspecific.Iftheissueisparticularlycomplicatedorifyouaredealingwithanemotionalsituation,thentheruleofthumbshouldbetoaddressitbytelephoneorinaface-to-facemeeting.Toneofvoiceistrickytodiscernwhenitcomestoe-mail,andbyallowingsomeonetohearorseeyouinthemidstofadifficultdiscussion,youhaveafarbetterchanceofgettingyourmessageacrossclearlyandwithoutincident.

TextMessagingAtextistheperfecttoolforquick,shortpiecesofinformation,suchas“I’mrunning10minuteslate”or“Dinnerreservationconfirmed.Bruno’s,6p.m.”Itdoesn’tworkwellforlongconversations,orwithanyonewhoisn’taclosefriend.Anditneverreplacesapropernotewhenoneisrequired.IfyouneedtothankAuntAnneforthebirthdaypresent,it

cannotbedoneviatext.Sendherane-mailorhandwrittennotetoexpressyourgratitude,andfamilygatheringswillbefarmorepleasant!Inthebusinessworld,Iamnotabigbelieverintextingclientsor

colleagues.Ithinkitismuchnicerandmorepolitetopickupthephoneandcalltosayyouarerunninglate,ortoexpressexcitementoveragreatmeetingorproject.Atextsentinaprofessionalsettingrunstheriskoflookinghastyandunpolished,especiallyifcomparedtosomeoneelse’swell-composede-mail.

TELEPHONELANGUAGEInthisdayandage,mostofusknowthebasicrulesforhowtocomportourselvesduringanimportanttelephonecall:speakclearlyandaudibly,don’tchewfoodorgum,beengagedandlistentothespeaker,andsoon.ButIhavefoundanewchallengewhenitcomestotelephoneetiquette,andthatistheconferencecall.

Whenyouhaveamedium-sizedorlargegroupofpeopleonaconferencecall,itisimportanttorememberthatwhenyouspeak,theotherparticipantsmaynotrecognizeyourvoice,soitisalwaysappropriatetointroduceyourselfquickly,withsomethinglike,“Charleshere.IthinkthemeetingshouldbeheldonTuesdayat2:00p.m.”Thiscorrectlyidentifiesyouandavoidsanyoneaskingorthinking,“Whoisthatperson?”Acommonbutmajorfauxpaswhenitcomestoconferencecallsor

long-distancemeetingsistalkingortypingwiththephone’smicrophoneturnedon.Itdistractstheotherparticipantsonthecalland,moreover,cangivetheimpressionofrudenessorboredom.Ifyoumusttypeor

speaktosomeonewhileyouareonaconferencecall,besuretomuteyourtelephonefirst.

VideoCallingInadditiontoanawarenessofhowyoucomportyourselfonthetelephone,youalsoneedtopayparticularattentiontovideocallsorconferences.IfyouarecallingaclientonSkypeorthroughGoogle,youabsolutelymustputsomeforethoughtintobothyourappearanceandthatofyouroffice.Ifyouworkathomeanddon’tgenerallywearmakeup,youmightconsiderabitoflipstickaheadoftime.Thinkofwhatyou’rewearing,aswell.Pyjamasareperfectlyfineifyoudon’tneedtointeractwithanyoneelsewhileworking,butmakesuretochangeifaclientwillseeyouduringthemeeting.Lastly,beawareofwhatisvisibleinthebackground.Tidyupthepapersyouhaven’tyetfiled,ormakesuretocloseyourofficedoorifyourcathasatendencytocomeinandwanderovertoyourkeyboard.

POSTUREAbutler’sappearanceanddemeanourisimportantatalltimes.Hisorherconduct,workandstancewillbeviewedandjudgedbyemployersandfellowemployees.Infact,postureandstanceareimportanttoanyprofessional,andyouwillalwayslookmorepolishedandpoisedifyoustandupstraight.Thepersonwhoisslumpedoverisconsideredsloppy,whilethepersonwhostandstall,handsbehindback,isconsideredattentiveandprofessional.Therearemanybusinesssituationsinwhichpostureisimportant,andwhilethebasicruleofstandingstraightalwaysapplies,hereareafewtipsforspecificsituations.

ATACONFERENCESomethingthatIlearnedfrommygoodfriendPamelaEyring,presidentoftheProtocolSchoolofWashington,waswheretoplaceyournametag.Whenattendingaconferenceorlargemeeting,mostofusautomaticallyputournametagontheleftsideofourchests,overtheheart.Butthisincorrect!Itishighlyimportantthatyoualwayswearyournametagontherightsideofyourbody.Why?Becausewhenyoushakehands,therightsideofyourbodynaturallymovesforward.Thenametagremainsvisibletotheotherperson,andhelpsthemsee—and,moreimportantly,remember—yourname.

ATACOCKTAILPARTYWhenholdingabeverage,trytokeepitinyourlefthand;thiskeepsyourrightfreeforhandshakes.Also,rememberthatitcanbeawkwardtohavetoshiftyourdrinkfromonehandtotheotherwhileinacrowdedroom,soit’sbesttogetintothishabitearly.Thistrickalsoworkswellforpursesandhandbags.Keepyourclutchinyourlefthand,orunderyourleftarm,andyou’llbefarlessdistractedbyitoverthecourseoftheevening.AgreatwaytoseethistrickinactionistotakenoteofHerMajestyQueenElizabethII,whoalwayskeepsherhandbagonherleftarmsothatshecanshakehandseasilywithherright.Trustme,takealookthenexttimeyouseeherinthemedia,andyouwillsee

howwellitworks!

GREETINGGUESTS

EXPECTEDGUESTSWhenansweringthedoor,maintainanuprightposture,bepoliteandgreetguestswithawarmsmile.Helpthemwithanycoats,winterboots,umbrellas,etcetera,andknowwhatyou’regoingtodowiththese.Thereisnothingworsethanmeetingaguestonablusterywinterdayandsaying,“Ohdear.Ihavenoideawheretoputyourcoatandboots.”

UNEXPECTEDGUESTSWhenIwasachild,sometimesmyfatherwouldtakemetovisitfriendshehadn’tthoughttocallaheadoftime.Thetwoofusjustshowedupoutofnowhere,andIoccasionallysensedthatwewereintrudingatthewrongmoment.Imustadmit,itwasn’tuntilIwasinmyfirstapartmentthatIrealizedhowmuchIdislikeunannouncedvisitors.Ifounditdisruptiveandrudetohavepeopledropbyoutoftheblue.Sowhatdoyoudowhensomeonearrivesunexpectedly?Well,twowrongsdon’tmakearight,sofirst,bepolite,greettheguestsandsayhowhappyyouaretoseethem.Butremember:itisokaytosaypolitely,“It’ssonicetoseeyou,butI’msorry,thisisnotagoodtime.”Don’tfeelobligedtoreceiveguestswhenitisnotconvenient.Herearesomegraciousthingsyoumightsaytowell-meaningbutunannouncedvisitors:

•“Thankyouforstoppingby.Itmeansalottome,butI’minthemiddleof

somethingpersonal.Canwegettogetherlaterthisweek?”

•“I’msogladtoseeyou,butIamjustabouttogooutthedoor.Let’scalleachotheroverthenextfewdaysanddothatdinnerandmoviewe’vebeentalkingabout.”

•“I’msogladyoucameby,buttobehonestI’mnotfeelingwelltoday.Myplanistospendthedayinbedreadingandresting.Ihopeyoudon’tmindthatIcallyounextweekandwecansetsomethingup?”

DOORSANDDOORWAYSIntimesgoneby,itwascustomaryformentoopendoorsforwomen,whetheratthefrontentranceofaprivatehome,atarestaurantoratashop.Thiswasastrueforstrangersasitwasforfamily.Ahusband,forinstance,wouldopenthedoorforhiswifeiftheywerebothenteringthebuildingtogether;similarly,ifamanarrivedatashopatthesametimeasawomanhedidn’tknow,hewouldopenthedoorforhertoletherpassthroughfirst.Today,inpublicsettingsaswellasinprivateones,you’llseealotof

doorsslamminginpeople’sfaces—maleandfemale!Inmyopinion,itisrudeforamanorwomantonottakeafewsecondstoholdadoorforsomeone.Chivalryisstillaliveandappreciated!

HOWTOOPENADOORFORASTRANGERWhetheryouaremaleorfemale,it’spolitetoopenadoorforsomeoneifyouarebothenteringanestablishmentatthesametime.So,howdoyoudothiswithoutitbeingawkward?Ifyouareapproachingadooratexactlythesametimeassomeoneelse,avoidrunningaheadtogettothedoorfirst.Instead,keepyourpaceeven,andwhenyouarriveatthedoor,simplysay,“I’vegotit,”andreachforthedoorhandle.Asyouopenthedoor,stepasideandholdthedoorwide.Thisallowstheotherpersontopassthrougheasily.Ifyoudon’tstepaside,thepersonsteppingthroughhastosteparoundyoufirst,andmostdoorwaysarebuiltforone,nottwo!Apolitepersonwillalwayssay“Thankyou”tothepersonwhoholdsthedooropen,andyoumayrespondwith“You’re

welcome.”Oncethepersonhaspassedthethreshold,youmayfollow.

HOWTOOPENADOORFORACOMPANIONThishappensallthetime:youarewalkingsidebysidewithabusinesscolleagueorfriendandyouarriveatacloseddoor.Whoshouldopenit,andhowshouldthisbedonewithoutonepersoncrossingawkwardlyinfrontoftheotherandinterruptingthenaturalflowofconversation?Ileantowardsthetraditionalrulewhereamanandwomanareinvolved,whichcallsforthemantoopenthedoor.Butregardlessofwhoopensit,there’sacorrectway.Thepersonclosesttothedoorwhocanusehisorherrighthandtoopenitshouldbetheonetomoveforwardfirst.Thisavoidsthe“awkwardcross.”Theoneexceptionisifyourcompanionrequiresassistance(suchasanelderlyperson,orsomeonewithluggage),inwhichcaseitispolitetoexcuseyourselfforwalkinginfrontofyourcompanion,openthedoorandallowhimorhertopassthrough.

CARSAsabutler,myinteractionwithguestsbeganatthemomentofarrivalandconcludedaftertheguest’sdeparture.Ifyouareaguestatahotelthathasbutlerserviceoracarvalet,orifyouareluckyenoughtobeinvitedtoafinehomewithsuchservice,youshouldknowafewthingsabouthowfront-doorgreetingworks.

Asyourcardrivesup,thebutlerorcarvaletwillapproachthecar.Heorshemaynotimmediatelyopenthecardoor.Instead,thegoodbutlerorcarvaletwilldiscreetlylookintothecar(ifthewindowsaren’ttinted)toseeifyouarereadytogetout.Foryourpart,rememberthatyoudon’thavetorush.Ifyouareonthephone,finishyourcallbeforeyoustepout.Takethetimetogatheryourbelongingsandcollectyourself.Ifthebutlerorcarvaletopensthedoorbeforeyouarereadytoemerge,simplylethimorherknowthatyouneedamoment.Yourcardoorwillbeclosedagainandopenedonlywhenyousignalthatyouwishtostepout.Whenyouaredepartingafinehouseorhotel,thebutlerorcarvalet

willtrytoanticipateyourneedsbyhavingthecarsuppliedwithchilledbottledwater,anewspaperandotherappropriateamenities.Don’tbeshy.Ifthere’ssomethingyouneed,askforit.Agoodbutlerwillalwayshelpyouintothecarandthen,ifyouarenotdrivingyourself,signaltothedriverthatyouarereadytodepart.Youcantelltheexperiencedfromtheinexperiencedbutlerorvaletbythewaytheysignalthedriver.Aknockonthehoodofthecarratherthanataponthewindowisconsideredunprofessional,becausethesoundtravelsinsidetothepassenger.Inasocialsituation,it’sanicetouchforamantoopenthecardoor

forawoman;however,inabusinesssetting,it’sbesttoletawomanopenherowndoor.Eitherway,ifthewomaniswearingadressorskirt,it’sapolitegestureforthemantooffertoslideintothebackseatfirst.Why?Ifyoudon’tknow,that’sbecauseyou’venevertriedtoslideacrossabackseatwhilewearingaskirt!Anywomanwilltellyouthatit’sachallengetodothisgracefully,andagentlemanwhoquietlysays,“Perhapsit’seasiestifIgetinfirst?”issavingthewomanfromawkwardness.

PASSENGERETIQUETTEIfyouareaguestinsomeone’scar,berespectful.Don’tchangetheradiostation,adjusttheheatsettingor,heavenforbid,lightupacigarette.Ifyouareuncomfortablewiththetemperature,politelyaskthedrivertochangeit.Youcanadjusttheseatifnecessary,though.Also,ifyouaredrivingaguestinyourcar,rememberthatthere’snothingworsethanfeelingunsafeinsomeoneelse’svehicle.Drivecautiouslyandalertly.Ifforanyreasonyouneedtoslamonthebrakesorswervetoavoidacollision,apologizetoyourpassenger.Avoidthetemptationtoinsult,swearorcomplainaboutotherdrivers—unless,thatis,you’reonamissiontoneverdrivetheseguestsanywhereagain!

MAKINGINTRODUCTIONSMakingintroductionscorrectlyiscrucial,andthishasnothingtodowithold-fashionedmannersandeverythingtodowithmakingpotentiallyuncomfortablesituationssimpleandstress-free.Introductionsusedtobemuchmoreformalthantheyarenow.Overtime,theruleshaverelaxed.Now,mostintroductionsgoasfollows:“Harry,thisismyfriendSally.”Mybeliefisthatthisrelaxedwayofintroducingpeoplehasbecomethenormsimplybecausewedon’tknowwhatelsetodo.

Therearesituationswherethiskindofinformalintroductionisn’tappropriate,andafewsimpleguidelinescanhelpeveryoneinvolvedfeelmoreatease.Here’showtobecomethemasteroftheintroduction.

1.Introducethepersonoflesserstatustothepersonofhigherstatus.Statusmaybebasedonrank,orderofprecedenceorage.Herearesomeexamples:

•Inabusinesssetting,thejunioremployeeisintroducedtothesenioremployee,regardlessofgenderorage.

•Inmostcircumstances,theyoungerpersonisintroducedtotheolderperson.

•Insocialsituations,themanisgenerallyintroducedtothewoman(regardlessofstatus).

2.Forintroductionsinvolvingmultiplepeople,mentionthenameofthemostimportantpersonfirst.

3.Whenintroducingdignitariesorotherdistinguishedpeople,usetheword“present”insteadoftheword“introduce,”asin,“YourGrace,mayIpresentMr.MacPherson?”

4.Ifdignitariesarenotpresent,butyouwouldstillliketointroducepeopleformally,youmaydosointhefollowingway:“MayIintroducetoyouMr.MacPhersonfromCanada?”

5.DorotheaJohnson,founderoftheprestigiousProtocolSchoolofWashington,advisesthatwhenmakingformalintroductions,oneshouldneversay,“John,mayIpresentyoutoCarol?”Thecorrectphrasingis,“presenttoyou.”Sheoffersacleverwayforustorememberthedifference.ThinkoftherockbandU2.Rockbandsaren’tknownfortheiretiquette,sothisorderisincorrect.“Toyou,”unlikethebandname,willalwaysbecorrect!

6.Correctlypronouncenamesandusecorrecttitles.Thismightrequireabitofresearchinadvance,butitwillunquestionablybeworthit.

7.Makeeyecontact.

8.Smileandspeakinawarmandfriendlytone.

9.Speakclearly.

Makingintroductionscanbeintimidating.Ifyou’reunsureofetiquette,practiseathome,overandoveragain,untilyouknowthebasics.Youwantthecorrectwordstorolloffyourtongue.Properintroductionsareprobablynotsomethingyou’lleverbecomplimentedfor,evenifpeopledoadmireyourgraceandstyle.Butifyougetanintroductionwrong,believeme,peoplewillnotice…

THEDO’SANDDON’TSOFAHANDSHAKE

Thehandshakeisakeypointofetiquettebecauseit’sanimportantaspectofmakingafirstimpression.Abadlyexecutedhandshake,poorlytimed,willinevitablycreateanegativeimpression.Youhaveprobablyexperiencedahandshakebya“bonecrusher.”Thishappenswhenahandshakeisperformedwithsuchforcethatitactuallyhurts.Thiskindofgreetingdoesnotshowdominance,assomepeoplebelieve;rather,itmakesthepersonexecutingthehandshakelooklikeacallousidiot.Thefootballerwhoisintroducedtoaballerinaandwhousesa“bonecrusher”handshakeisnotendearinghimselftothedancer.Quitetheopposite,infact.

So,whatmakesahandshakeeffective?Itshouldbegenuineandfriendly;itshouldnotbetentativeorindifferent.Thepalmshouldbewarmanddry,notcoldandclammy.Ifyoudohaveclammyhands,keepthemoutofyourpocketssothataircirculates,andcarryasmall

handkerchiefinyourrighthandthatyoucansubtlypasstoyourlefthandbehindyourbackbeforeyoushake.Remember:yourgripshouldbefirmandstrong(butnotbone-crushing!);itshouldnotbelimpandlifeless.Balanceisthekeytoagoodhandshake.

THINGSTOREMEMBERWHENSHAKINGHANDS

•Maintaineyecontact.(ThisisaWesternapproach.RememberthatinAsiaandAfrica,eyecontactisoftenconsidereddisrespectful,sodon’tbeoffendedbythisculturaldifference,andadaptyourapproachtothecontext.)

•Smilewarmly.

•Focusyourattentiononthepersontowhomyou’rebeingintroducedorwhoisbeingintroducedtoyou.

•Listentowhatthepersoninfrontofyouissaying.

•Keepyourhandopenandconnect“webtoweb”(palmtopalm).

•Gaugethedurationofthehandshakebypayingcloseattentiontotheotherperson.Agoodruleofthumbistopumpyourhandthreetimesorforaboutthreeseconds.

WHENTOSHAKESOMEONE’SHANDIt’simportanttoknowwhentoshakesomeone’shand—aswellaswhennotto.Agoodruleofthumbistoofferahandshakemoreoftenthannot.Inbusiness,thisincludesthefollowingsituations:

•Meetingco-workersforthefirsttime—bothupongreetingandsayinggoodbye.

•Beingintroducedtonewbusinesscontacts.

•Congratulatingsomeone.

DONOTOFFERAHANDSHAKEWHEN:

•Thepersonyouwishtogreetisofahigherrankorposition.Waitforthisindividualtoofferhisorherhandfirst.

•Beginninganinterview.Followtheleadoftheinterviewer.

•Theotherpersonhastheirhandsfull.

•Whentravellinginternationally,bewareoflocalcustomsandcross-gendercontact.Alwaystaketheleadfromlocals.

Becauseoffearsoverthetransmissionofviruses,therearetimes,forexampleduringabadfluseason,whenpeoplemayfeelparticularlyuncomfortableshakinghands.Infactitmayhavepeoplerunningforthehandsanitizer.(Ifyou’retheoneconcernedaboutthespreadofgerms,remembertorunforthehandsanitizerdiscreetly.)

THEFISTBUMPEversinceHowieMandel,agreatCanadianandself-proclaimedgermaphobe,startedofferingafistbumpinsteadofahandshake,thisnewgreetingmethodtookoff.Infact,fistbumpsaresaidtoreducethespreadofgermsbyupto90%,whichiswelcomenewsincoldandfluseason!Whendoingthefistbump,simplytouchknucklestogetherwithclosedfists,withlittleornoforce.

HOWTOOFFERYOURBUSINESSCARD

Theetiquetteforhandingoutabusinesscardisjustasimportantasthatforshakingsomeone’shand.WhilebusinesscardetiquetteismuchmorerelaxedinWesterncultures,itisstillimportanttoberespectfulinhowyouapproachthisexchange.ThemoreformalAsianmethodofofferingabusinesscardwithtwohandsisbecomingmorecommonaroundtheworld.WhatIfindinterestingisthatwhenyouusethismethodintheWest,peopleareimpressed.Itmakesyouappearbothworldlyandknowledgeabletousetheformalstyle.Followtheprotocolbelowandyouwillnevergowrong.Insomecultures,thebusinesscardisconsideredarepresentationoftheownerandthereforeshouldbetreatedwithrespect.Makeapointofreviewingthecardandcommentingonitbeforeputtingitaway.

Donotofferyourbusinesscardusingjustonehand.Thisisconsideredarrogantandsuggeststhattheinformationonyourcardisunimportant.

Donotofferyourbusinesscardholdingthebottomofthecard.Thisisawkwardforthepersonwhoreceivesit.

CUBICLESWhenRobertPropstofthefamedHermanMillerofficefurniture

companydesignedthecubicleworkstation,itwasmeanttoofferaproductivewaytomoveteamsaroundduringproject-basedassignments.Today,theofficecubicleisastapleinmostbusinesses,andnevermoves.Asforward-thinkingasMr.Propstwas,Idon’tthinkheeverimaginedtheetiquetteissueshisofficedesignswouldcreate.Belowaremytoptipsforcourteouscubiclebehaviour:

•Beawarethatotherscanhearyou,anddoyourbesttokeepyourpersonalnoisetoaminimum.

•Neverborrowitemsfromaco-worker’scubiclewithoutaskingfirst.Justbecausetheareaisopentopassers-bydoesn’tmeanthatitscontentsareupforgrabs.

•Thecubicleisn’taplacetopaintyournailsorwalkaroundinyoursocks.Don’tpassitemsoveracubiclewall,either.Rememberthatyourprivacyislimited,anddon’tdoanythingyouwouldn’tbecomfortablewiththeCEOseeing!

•Manypeopleeatlunchattheirdesksnowadays,eventhoughthisisgenerallyconsideredalapseinetiquette.Thatbeingsaid,ifyoudoeatatyourdesk,beawareoffoododoursandbeconsiderateofyourneighbourswhomaynotappreciatetheleftoversmellfromyourlunch.Forthesamereason,besuretodisposeofyourgarbageinthecommonlunchroomratherthaninthepersonalgarbagebinbyyourdesk.

•Eventhoughcubiclesdon’tusuallyhavedoors,rememberthatit’ssomeone’spersonalspace.You’llnevergowrongbyknockingandwaitingtobeinvitedin,andalwaysaskbeforetakingaseatintheguestchair.

•Weallloveaspacethatreflectsourpersonality,butmakesureyourpersonalitems,suchasphotographsandknick-knacks,donotoverwhelmyourcubiclearea.Yes,it’syouroffice,butinabusinessenvironmentit’sbettertoerrontheconservativeside.

•Never,evereavesdroponothers’conversations.Itisnotonlyrude,it

alsomakespeoplefeelhighlyuncomfortable.Regardlessofwhethertheconversationisabusinessorpersonalone,doyourbesttoblockouttheinformationandrespectyourcolleagues’privacy.

HOWTOCALCULATEATIPTippingisasocialcustomthatvariesthroughouttheworld,andIamconstantlyaskedhowtodeterminewhatthecorrectgratuityshouldbeindifferentsituations.I’vecompiledachartonthenextpagetohelpsteeryouthroughsomeofthemostcommoncircumstanceswhereatipwouldbeinvolved.

BUTLER’STIP

Ifadoorpersonhailsataxiforyoufromaresidentialbuilding,thereisnoneedtotiphimorher.Butdotipif

you’releavingahotelorrestaurant.

TIPSBYCOUNTRY

NorthAmerica UK Europe

Restaurants 15–20% 10–15%* 10–15%*†

Bellman $1–2/bag £1–2/bag €1–2/bag

Housekeeping $2–5/day‡ £1–2/day‡ €1–2/day‡

RoomService 10–15%* 10%–15%* 10%–15%*

Concierge$10–20/requestdependingontheserviceprovided

£10–20/requestdependingontheserviceprovided

€10–20/requestdependingontheserviceprovided

$1–2 £1–2 €1–2

Doorman forhailingacab

$1–2/bagforcarryingluggage

forhailingacab

£1–2/bagforcarryingluggage

forhailingacab

€1–2/bagforcarryingluggage

Taxis 10–15% 10–15% 10%

Hairdresser 15–20% 10% 10%

TourGuides/Drivers 15–20%ofexcursion 10%ofexcursion €2–5/person

ValetParking $2–5whencarisreturned

£1–2whencarisreturned

€1–2whencarisreturned

Japan China HongKong

Restaurants None None§ 10–15%*

Bellman None§ ¥5–10/bag HK$10–20/bag

Housekeeping None ¥10–15/day HK$10–20/day‡

RoomService None None 10–15%*

Concierge None NoneHK$20–50/requestdependingontheserviceprovided

Doorman None None

HK$10–20forhailingacab

HK$10–20/bagforcarryingluggage

Taxis None None Notexpected;roundup

Hairdresser None None 10%

TourGuides/Drivers

¥2500–5000(10%)foraprivatetourguideandhalfthatamountfor

thedriver§

¥80–150foraprivatetourguideandhalfthatamountfor

thedriver§

HK$100–150foraprivatetourguideandhalfthatamountfor

thedriver

ValetParking None ¥5–10 HK$10–20whencarisreturned

*ifnoservicechargeisincluded†A15%serviscomprisisgenerallyincluded,thoughit’sokaytoleaveextra(upto10%incash)

‡withanotewritten“Housekeeping–thankyou”andleftinanobviousplace§Thoughtippingisnotcustomarythereareacoupleofoccasionswhereitisacceptedi.e.full-

servicetraditionalinnsandhigh-endrestaurants.Alwaysplacethetipinasmallenvelopeandpresentitdiscreetly.Handingoutmoneywithoutanenvelopeisconsideredimpolite.Forguidesanddrivers,tipshouldbegivenatthestartoftheday.

PEOPLEMAYBEUNSUREwhenitcomestoentertainingbecausetheysimplydon’tknowwhattodoorhowtoconductthemselves.Ifindithelpfultorememberthepurposeofetiquette:toshowrespecttoothers.Thisistruewhenyou’reentertainingandwhenyou’reaguestinsomeone’shome.Whetherit’sknowingwhichforktouseatthelunchtableorhowtointroducepeopleatacocktailreception,entertainmentetiquetteshouldnotbefeared,butembraced.Mygoalistoputyouateasesoyou’renotanticipatinganeventwithfearinyourheart,wondering,“HowamIgoingtogetthroughthis?”Asaformersocietycaterer,Iknowtherearetwoimportantrulesto

followwhenentertaining:

1.Makesureeveryonehasadrinkinhand.

2.Makesureeveryonehassomeonetotalkto.

Believeitornot,thesetwotipsaremoreimportantthanthedécor,themusicorthefoodbeingserved.Atanygatheringyouhost,ifyoucanjustmakesurepeoplefeelcomfortable,relaxedandconnectedwithothers,youreventwillbeasuccess.Anotherthingtoconsider,beforeyouentertain,istheshopping.Ifind

thebiggestmistakepeoplemakeisthattheywaituntilthelastminutetoprepare.Ifyouknowyouaregoingtohaveapartyintwoweeks,buyitemsforyourbaraheadoftime.Aprofessionalbutlerwouldbedeadfromexhaustionifheweweretotrytoprepareeveryaspectofapartyonthesameday.IusedtohaveasmallapartmentontheUpperWestSideof

Manhattan.Myapartment,likemanyinManhattan,hadatinykitchen.Cookingmealsforacrowdwasaseriouschallenge,especiallygiventhatIhadonlyalittlebarfridge—anditwasinmyhomeoffice,notinthekitchen!Asaformercatererandasabutler,IstudiedmyspaceandcameupwithaformulathatallowedmetoentertainasthoughIhadabigflatonParkAvenue.Myfirstrulewastonevergreetguestsatmyapartmentdoor.When

guestswouldcallfromdownstairs,Iwouldbuzzthemintothebuilding

andmeettheminthehallwayattheelevatoroutsidemyapartment.Iwouldwelcomethemthereandtaketheircoatsandanyparcels,sothatbythetimeIopenedmydoorandtheyenteredmyhome,thepreliminarieshadbeentakencareof.Ialsocontainedtheclutterimmediatelybyusingmyofficeasacloakroom.Next,IfoundaperfectlittlespotinmylivingroomwhereIsetupaself-servebar.Mysecondrulewastopourgueststheirfirstdrink.Afterthat,Iinvitedeachguesttohelphimselforherselftothehandy,self-servebar.Whenitcomestofood,peoplealwayshavethebestofintentions,butunlessyoucancookthroughouttheparty,complicatedmenuseitherfail(nothingevergoesasplannedwhenyou’reinarush),oryouasthehostresenttheworkbecauseyouspendallyourtimealoneinthekitchen.Noonewantsthat—notyouandnotyourguests—sowhat’sthebestwaytodealwiththisproblem?Ifyoucan’thireprofessionalcaterers,that’sokay.Instead,prepareabuffetmenuthatiseasybothforyouandyourguests.WhileworkingatthefamousrestaurantFenton’sinToronto,Ilearnedhowtopreparecheesetraysthatwereattractive,interestinganddelicious.WhenIentertainedforsmallorlargegroups,thecheeseboardwasthecentrepieceofmycoffeetable.Iprepareditaheadoftimesothattheworkwasdone,andtheboardincludedavarietyofsoft,mediumandhardcheeses,frommildtostrong.Imadetwoboardsinadvance,sothatwhenthefirstonestartedtolookmessyandpickedover,Icoulddoaquickswapandpresentafreshplatter.Iwoulddesigntheentirebuffetaroundonehotitem,suchasabeefsteworaquiche.Theotherfoodswereservedatroomtemperature.ThismademyjobeasybecauseIcouldlayouttheentiretablebeforeguestsarrivedandthenspendmytimewiththem,ratherthanfussingwiththefood.Forlunchordinner,theadditionalitemsonthetablewouldincludesalads,pâtés,smokedsalmon,freshfruits,cakes,miniaturepastriesandsoon.Atypicalbreakfastbuffetatmyhousewouldincludefreshfruit,painsauchocolatandcroissants,cheeseandcrackersandmeringues.

PartofthesecrettomyentertainingsuccesswasthatIturnedmyCanadianantiquediningtable(whichcouldholdonlyfourorfivecomfortably)intoabuffettable.Myapartmentlivingroomcouldthenholdtentotwelvepeople,andeveryonewouldhaveaplacetosit.AndallofthefoodthatIservedhadtobewhatIcall“forkfood”—foodeasilyeatenwithjustaforkandnoknife.Iwouldwritethemenuonacard,soguestswouldknowwhathadbeensetoutandwhatwasstilltocome.Whenyouhostanykindofgathering,itisimportanttowatchyourguestsandensurethattheyarehavingagoodtime.Dotheyhaveadrink?Dotheyappeartobeenjoyingthecompanyofthosethey’retalkingto,ordotheyneedtoberescued?Ibelievethatasahostyoucannevertotallyrelax.Thatdoesn’tmeanyoucan’tenjoyyourownparty,buttomakeitasuccessyouneedtoattendtoyourguests,andthisattentioniswhatallowsthemtorelaxandhaveagreattime.Thatsaid,whenanelementofyourpartygoesawry(whichitoftendoes),don’tshowyourfrustration.Asthehostorhostess,youaretheonlyonewhoknowsexactlywhatthepartywassupposedtolooklike;ifyoushareyouranxietywithyourcompany,everyonewillrealizethatyou’vemadeamistake.Also,don’tbeasnob.Ifyouknowcertainrulesofetiquettebutsomeoneinyourhomedoesnot,itisrudeandinappropriatetoadvisethemandmakethemfeeluncomfortable.Alwaysbekindandgraciousevenwhenothersarenot.Andfinally,wheneverIentertain,Iliketohavebunchesoffreshflowers,pleasingbackgroundmusic(atalowvolume),and,nomatterwhat,IorganizemyselfsothatIhavethirtyminutesbeforeguestsarrivetositinmylivingroomandrelax—ideallywithadrinkinhand.Ifyoucandoallthis,Iguaranteeyourpartywillbeahit!Whenitcomesto

entertaining,whetheryouarethehostortheguest,youhavearoleandaresponsibility.InthissectionofThePocketButlerwewilllookathowtocontributetocreatingasuccessfulsocialevent—andI’llevengiveyouhintsastohowtowelcomeanunexpectedovernightguest.Hopefully,knowingsomeoftheserulesandtipswillhelpyouandyourgueststofeelmoreateaseineverysituation.

HOSTANDHOSTESSGIFTSPersonallyIfindtheobsessionwithhostandhostessgiftsunnecessary.WhenIhavebeenaguestatsomeone’shome,Imuchprefertowaittillafterthedinnerandsendabouquetoffreshflowerswithahandwrittennote.Thehostandhostessmightactuallyhaveamomenttoenjoythem!

Giftscancreateakindofsocialstress.Shouldtherecipientopenthemrightaway?Shouldflowersbedisplayedrightaway(whichmeansscurryingawaytofindandfilltherightvase)?Shouldthehostandhostessservethewineandchocolatesthattheirguestsbrought?Shouldgiftsbedisplayedandannouncedinfrontofotherguests?Doesthehostorhostessneedtosendathank-younotetoguestsfortheirpresents(resultinginguests’andhosts’thank-youscrossingpaths)?Toavoidtheseconundrumsandothers,Isay,ifpossibleandappropriate,givethegiftafterthepartyinsteadofduringit,andkeepthegiftsimple.Evenahandwrittenthank-younoteisalovelywaytoexpressgratitude.Also,considergivingthehostorhostessatrulymemorablegiftthatwillbeusedoverandoveragaininsteadofdiscarded—acopyofthisbook!

DRESSCODE

Whenwearedressedappropriately,wefeelgoodaboutourselvesandweputourbestfootforward.Andyes,thelittleblackcocktaildress(forwomen)andthenavysuit(formen)areidealgarmentstohaveinyourwardrobe.IremembergoingforlunchattheYorkClubinToronto.Iwasyoungandfoolish,andIarrivedwithoutajacket.Whoknewyouhadtohaveajacketforlunch?Icertainlydidnot.Iwasterriblyembarrassed.NotonlywasIbarredentry,butthepersonwhoinvitedmeabandonedmeatthefrontdoorandwentinforlunchbyhimself.Inevermadethatmistakeagain,andwhereverI’mdining,Imakesuretohaveajacketonhand!Dependingonlocalcustoms,acountry’snationaldressisalsoappropriateattireforformalfunctions.

BUTLER’STIP

If,whilehosting,youreceiveflowers,maketheefforttodisplaytheminavase.Youcanalwaystrimand

arrangethemproperlythenextmorning.

DRESSINGGUIDEBYOCCASION

InvitationTerm Men WomenBlacktailcoat,matchingtrouserswithasinglestripeofsatinorbraidinAmericaortwostripesinEurope,whitepiqué

WhiteTie

wing-collaredshirtwithstifffront,whitevest,whitebowtie,whiteorgreygloves,blackpatentshoesandblackdresssocks.

Formaleveninggown.

BlackTie

Blacktuxedoordinnerjacket,whiteFrench-cuffedformalshirt,bowtieandcummerbundorvest,whitesilkorlinenhandkerchiefinthebreastpocket(optional),blacksocks,blackpatentleathershoes.Awhitedinnerjacketwithblacktrousersisperfectlyacceptableinthesummer,oronacruise.

Formaleveningdressorcocktaildress.

Manymenviewthisasawelcomeopportunitytowearformalattire.Anavy

Formaleveningdress,cocktaildressordressy

BlackTieOptional blueorblacksuitwithawhiteFrench-cuffeddressshirtandaneleganttieisappropriate.

separates.

Semi-Formal

Nochancetosportyourtuxedohere.Thesafestbetistowearanavyblueorblacksuitwithadressshirtandtie.

Shortafternoonorcocktaildress,oralongdressyskirtandablouseortop.

BusinessAttire

Evenifyounormallyconductyourbusinessfromahomeofficewearingadressinggown,thisdresscodemeansasuit,dressshirtandtie.

Women’sbusinesssuit.

BusinessCasual

Slackswithanappropriatesportsjacketwithopen-collarshirt.Businesscasualisaclassic,neatandrelaxedlook,yetstillprofessional.Whenindoubt,errontheconservativeside.

Reasonable-lengthdaydress,neatandpulledtogetherseparatessuchasskirtorslackswithappropriateblouseortop,orapantsuit.

Note:Ifyouhaveapet,besuretocheckyourselfoverforhairwheneveryouleavethehouse.Keepaminiaturelintbrushonhand,andevenifyoumissafewstrayhairs,you’llbeabletoremedythesituationquickly.

TABLESETTINGBASICS

Settingatablecanbefun,andwheneverpossibleIliketodoitaheadoftime,evenforsimplefunctions,sothatIdon’ttiremyselfoutjustbeforemyguestsarrive.Whenitcomesto“tabletopdesign,”asthe“fancypeople”liketocallsettingatable,thefashionissimpleandelegant.Nomatterwhatkindofhomeyouhave,youwantatabletobeinvitingforyourguestsandtoreflectyourpersonaltasteandstyle.I’vebeentoadinnerpartywherethehostputthreesimpleGrannySmithapplesonawoodentrayinthemiddleofthetablewithlotsoflittlevotivecandlesaroundthem.Thiswasthecentrepiece,anditlookedasbeautifulasanygalafloralarrangementatafinehotel.

Sadly,thedaysofowningmanydifferentsetsofchinaaregone,mostlybecauseourhomesaresmallerandveryfewofushaveahouseholdstaffwhocanpolishsilverandtendtothedifferentsetsofplates.Consequently,it’sbesttokeepyourflatwareandchinasimple.Thiswillallowyoutomixandmatchitwithdifferentcentrepieces,flowers,tableclothsandnapkins.Ilovewhitedishesforthisveryreason.Asabutlerandasahost,withtheseIcanmakeatablelookuniqueandappropriatenomatterwhattheevent.Beforeyoubegin,thinkcarefully;makedecisionsfirst,beforeactuallydoinganything.Whenweactwithoutthinkingaheadtheendresultisoftenlessthanperfect.

Considerthefollowingdetails:

•Whatisthepurposeofthemeal?Isitformalorinformal;amealforfamilyorforbusinessassociates?

•Howmanyguestswillattend?

•Whatisthesizeofyourtable?

•Whatmenuwouldworkbest?Howmanycourses?

•Willyourdinnerbeplatedinthekitchenorservedatthetable?

•Whatisthestyleofyourhome,andofyourflatwareandtableware?

Takeamethodicalapproachtowardssettingthetable,beginningwithanindividualplacesettingandmakingsureeverydetailisinplace.Onceyouaresatisfiedwithyourefforts,settherestofthetable.Intheend,yourguestswillnoticeandappreciatetheoveralleffect.

CHINAChinamanufacturersusenouniversalsizesorstandards;however,herearesomeguidelinesforpurchasingchinaorplanningwhichpiecestouseforareception.

•Stylesofchinacanbemixedaslongastheyarecomplementaryandworkwelltogether.

•Platesofdifferentshapeshavedifferentpurposesandaresuitablefordifferentfooditems.Whencombiningdifferentplatesandpatterns,thinkabouttheeffectforthepersonsittingatthetable.

•Considerhowplateswillworkforservice.Plateswithlowrimsaremoredifficulttoclear,especiallyifsetonchargers—aflat,decorativeplatethatsitsunderthedinnerplate.

PLATES

COFFEEANDTEASERVICE

BUTLER’STIP

Ifyouhavespentalotondishes,storethemproperly!Placefeltlinersornapkinsbetweendishestoprevent

scratches.

SERVINGDISHES

Lefttoright:CHOPPLATE(FORPORK,LAMBOROTHERCHOPS),RECTANGULARTRAYWITHHANDLES,DIVIDEDSERVINGDISH(USUALLYFORSERVINGTWOKINDSOF

VEGETABLES),SQUARECAKEPLATTER,OVALPLATTER

SERVINGBOWLS

CUTLERYFromthedayswheneveryoneusedtocarryaroundaknifeandspoontoparties,totoday,whenthehostorhostesshasafullsetofcutlery,hereisanillustrationofallthepiecesyouneedtoknow.

SERVINGUTENSILS

Lefttoright:MEATFORK,FISHFORK,FISHKNIFE,PASTASERVER,PASTAFORK,PASTRY

SERVER,CAKESERVER

Lefttoright:BUTTERKNIFE,CAKEKNIFE,KNIFEANDSTEEL,CARVINGFORK

GLASSWAREGlassesforredwinetendtobelargerthanthoseforwhitewineandtheyalsohaveawiderbelly,allowingthebouquetofthewinetomixwiththeair.Ifyoucan’ttellwhichglassiswhich,placethemsidebyside.Thelargerglassisusuallyforred.

COLLINSGLASS:ThisistraditionallyusedforaTomCollinsoricedtea.Thisglassisverytallandnarrow.

HIGHBALLGLASS:Thisisthemostcommonlyusedglassforlargemixeddrinks.

DOUBLEOLD-FASHIONED:Thisisthemostcommonlyusedglassforsmallermixeddrinks,orforliquorservedeitherontherocksorstraightup.

BUTLER’STIP

Thebiggertheglass,themorepeopledrink.Ifyouwanttobeeconomical,usesmallerglasses.

HOWTOHOLDADINNERKNIFEANDFORKKnowinghowtoproperlyholdandusecutleryisanimportantaspectofpropertablemanners.Thetipsandillustrationsthatfollowwillshowyouhow.

Placeyourforefingerontopoftheknife.Thisgivesyoumorecontrolof

theknifewhencuttingfood.

Withthetinesfacingdown,holdtheforkinasimilarfashionastheknife,byplacingyourforefingerontheforkhandle.Thiswillgiveyoumorecontrolwhenyouspearthefood.

Neverholdtheforkwithaclenchedfist.Itisnotapitchfork!

Neverholdtheforkbythetipofthehandle.Youwon’thaveafirmenoughgrip.

TABLE-SETTINGPROCESSWhilefashionintablesettingshaschangedoverthecenturies,affectingtheflatware,glasswareandchinaweuse,themethodofsettingatableremainsexactlythesame.

ThisisthebasicmethodIrecommend:

1.Setjustoneplacesettingfirst.Don’ttrytosettheentiretableatonceastherewillonlybemoretoundoifyoudon’tlikehowitlooks.Makesuretheplacementiscorrectandthatyouarehappywithit.

2.Next,taketherestofthechargersormaincourseplatesandplacethemaroundthetablewhereyouwanttopositionalltheotherplacesettings.Keepthespacingbetweensettingsequidistant.Oncetheyareproperlypositioned,organizeutensilsandglasswarearoundthem.

3.Checkforsymmetry.Whydowecaresomuchaboutthis?Becausethehumaneyelovessymmetry.Whenthingsarenotsymmetricaloureyeseesimperfection.Usethebutlerstickforthis!(Seethispage)

THENORTHAMERICANPLACESETTINGInthistablesetting,theglassesformadiamondshapeabovethecutlery,withthefirstglassplaceddirectlyabovethemaincourseknife(inside,right).Thedessertspoonandtheforkareatthetopoftheplate,andabovethemistheplacecard.Guestsusethecutleryfromtheoutsidemovingin.Thisplacesettingstartswithasoupcourse(spoon,outsideright),movesontoasalad(fork,outsideleft),afishcourse(middleforkandknife)andameatcourse(insideforkandknife).

THEASIANPLACESETTINGInAsia,unliketheWesternworld,thereisnostandardforformalplacesettingsattables.Infact,thefocusisonthefoodratherthantheplacesetting.Thediagramshowsatypicalplacesetting,butitcaneasilybechangedtosuityourneedswithoutmakinganyerrorsofetiquette.

USINGABUTLER’SSTICKOneofthefirstrulesofformaltablesettingisthe24-inchrule.Thisreferstotheidealamountofspacefromthecentreofoneplatetothecentreofthenextplate,allowingeachguestplentyofelbowroom.Youmayneedtodecreasethedistanceifyourtableisnotlargeenoughtoallow24inchesbetweensettings.

BUTLER’STIP

AtrendinAsiantablesettingsistoprovidetwosetsofchopsticks:aninnersetforpersonaluse,andtheoutersettobeusedbyguestswhenhelpingthemselvesto

communalfood.

Theidealdistancefromthebackofachairtotheedgeofthetableisalso24inches.Thisallowsgueststositcomfortably.Agoodbutlerwillusehisorherbutlersticktotakethesetwomeasurements.Today,fewpeopleusebutlerstickstosettheirdailydinnertables,andtobetruthful,eventhecontemporarybutlerdoesn’tnecessarilyusethetooleveryday.Butwhenthereisaspecialoccasion—suchasanimportantfamilybirthdayoranniversary—thebutlerstickcanbeofuse.Thisishowaprofessionalbutlerwouldsetthediningtablewithabutlerstick.

STEP1:Alignthebottomofthebutlerstickwiththeedgeofthetable.Thebaselineforaplacesettingshouldbeaboutoneinchfromtheedgeofthetable—thewidthofthebutlerstick.

STEP2:Alignallthecutlery,theplateandthenapkintotouchthetopofthebutlerstick.Thiswillcreatetheperfectstraightedgeforyourplacesetting.Theplateshouldbecentredatthe0,thecentreofthebutlerstick.

STEP3:Ideally,placethefirstknife1to1.5inchesawayfromtheplate.Continueusingthissamemetricfortherestofthecutlerysothatitisallequidistant.Youmaychoosetoreducetheamountofspacebetweenitemsofcutleryifyourtablespaceislimited.What’simportantistokeepeverythingconsistent.

STEP4:Asyoumovearoundthetablecreatingeachplacesetting,usethesamemeasurements.

STEP5:Tohelpachieveabeautifulplacesetting,striveforaccuracy,andhorizontalandverticalsymmetry.

NAPKINFOLDINGInVictorianandEdwardiantimes,fanciernapkinfoldswerethemarkofwell-trainedandsophisticatedhouseholdstaff.Asthehotelindustryflourishedinthetwentiethcentury,fancynapkinfoldsremainedimportantandcontinuedtosuggestrefinement.Thiswasoneofthewayshotelsmimickedthesophisticationofaristocraticestates.Asbeautifulasthesenapkinfoldsare,themoderntrendistowardsa

simplerstyle.Infact,overlyintricatefoldsmaybeseenasasignofalackofsophistication,andevenasunhygienic:aprofessionalbutlerwilldoeverythinginhispowertoavoidtouchingyournapkin,andthatincludeskeepingthefoldassimpleaspossible.Waitstaffinmodernrestaurants,however,sometimesplacenapkinsonthelapsoftheirpatrons.Thisdifferenceinetiquetteisonethattellsmewhethersomeonehasbeentrainedbyahotelorinabutlerschool.Havingsaidthis,therearesomebeautifulnapkinfoldsthatare

appropriateforspecialoccasions.IllustratedherearethreefoldsthatIuseregularly.Myall-timefavourite,afoldIuseoverandoverforitssimplicityandelegance,isthemonogramnapkinfold.

MONOGRAM

CHEVRON

FRENCHLILY

MENUCARDSIoftennoticethatwhenpeopleseeamenucardonatabletheyimmediatelythinkthatthemealisveryformal.Iseemenucardsnotasa

formalitybutmoreasareallygreatcommunicationtoolforyourguests,toexplainwhatthemenuisallabout.Becausemenucardsgenerallytellyouhowmanycoursesthemealwillhaveandwhatdrinkswillbeserved,theyhelptoguideyousothatyouknowtoeitherpaceyourself,basedonthenumberofcoursestobeserved,orenjoyeverythingonyourplate!Forme,Ifindthattheinformationallowsmetorelaxandenjoymymealmuchmore.

HOWTOCORRECTLYWRITEAMENUCARDThesimpleformatofamenucardhasnotchangedovertime.Whenwritingamenucard,keepyourlanguageclear.Itispretentioustouseforeign-languagedescriptionsonanEnglishmenucardunlesscitingthepropernameofadish—forexample,coqauvin.Menucardsmaybeprintedortyped.Forpersonalevents,theymayevenbehandwritten.

HOWTOPREPAREACHEESEPLATECheeseismorepopulartodaythanever.Althoughcheesewascommonlyservedatthediningtableasitsowncourse,therelaxedformalitiesoftodaymeanthecheesecourseatthedinnertableisratherrare.Ithas

nowbecomepopularduringthecocktailhouratparties.Cheeseaspartofthehorsd’oeuvrescourseiswonderful.Onceserved

itdoesnotrequireanyfurthereffortfromthehostorhostess,andguestscanhelpthemselves.Themostimportantdetailwhenservingcheeseistoserveitatroomtemperature!Mostcheeseplateshavejustcomeoutoftherefrigeratorandaretoocold.Acoldbriehasnoflavour,butaroom-temperaturebriethathasbeenoutoftherefrigeratorforafewhourscomesaliveandisadelicacy.Cheesewillnotgobadquickly,sodon’tworryaboutthat.Whenslicingcheeseforyourself,includeboththeheartandtherindsothateveryonegetsanequalshareofthevariousflavours.

Thewaycheeseisservedlargelydependsonitsshape.Herearesomesamplecheesesandrecommendedmethodsforcutting.

BUTLER’STIP

Whenaddingbreadtoacheeseplate,cutjustafewslicesatatime.Breadcangostalequickly,soleaveouttheloafandacuttingboardforgueststohelp

themselves.

Pont-l’ÉvêqueAsquarecheese,thishasawhite-orangerindandisrichandsoft,withacreamy,full-bodiedflavour.

TommeTommecanbemadefromcow’smilkorgoat’smilk.Thetastevariesfromnuttytocitrusydependingonthetypeofmilkused.Thetexturerangesfromsemi-softtocrumbly.

BrieThiscow’smilkcheesehasanedible,softwhiterind.Thetasterangesfromlightanddelicatetorichandbuttery.

CamembertThistraditionalFrenchcheesefromtheNormandyregionhasasoftediblerindwithadelicatenuttyandmildsaltytaste.

PicodonThissoftgoat’smilkcheesefromtheRhône-Alpesregionhasamildflavour.Withage,thetexturebecomescrumblyandtheflavourmorepronounced.

ValençayApyramid-shapedgoat’smilkcheese,Valençayhasasmoothanddensetexture,withamildlemonytaste.

EpoissesMadeintheBurgundyregionofFrance,thispungent,creamy-texturedcow’smilkcheeseisrichandsalty.

EmmentalThistraditionalSwisscheesehasafirm,smoothtexturewithamildtonuttyflavour.

Whenyoumakeacheeseplatter,youshouldpresentavarietyofsoftcheese(suchasbrie)andhardcheese(suchasanagedcheddar).Includeamildcheeseaswell(suchasValençay),andastrongorsharpcheese(suchasbluecheese).Youwon’tbeabletodictatehowyourguestssampleyourcheeses,butwheneatingcheeseyourself,alwaysstartwiththemildestvarietyandworktowardsthestrongest.Goingtheoppositewaymayoverwhelmyourpalate,andyouwon’tbeabletoenjoythemilderflavours.Abeautifulcheeseplatepresentationsayseverythingaboutyouasa

host.Smallplatesandcocktailnapkinsarealwaysappealing.Setoutoneknifepercheese,freshfruit(grapes,forinstance),andplentyofcomplementarybreadsorcrackers.Whateverbreadsorcrackersyouprovideshouldbefresh.Ifpossible,identifythedifferentcheeses.

THEPERFECTBARThesearethetwoworstthingsthatcanhappenwhenyou’vesetupabar:a)yourunoutofalcoholormix,andb)yourunoutofice.Makesureyouhaveenoughofeach.Hereisagoodbasicchecklisttohelpyou.Remember,everyparty

crowdisdifferent,andyoushouldfeelfreetomakechangesbasedonyourguests.YouknowtheirdrinkinghabitsbetterthanIdo!Ileavethebrandstoyourdiscretion.

Thequantitiesonthenextpagearesuggestedguidelinesforafour-

hourcocktailpartywith50guests.Generally,youshouldplanfor2drinksperpersonforthefirsthourand1drinkperpersonforeachhourafterthat.Andoverthecourseoftheevening,I’vefoundthateachpersonwillconsumeapproximately2lbsofice.

BARSET-UPFOR50GUESTS•Rye,1bottle•Scotch,1bottle•Rum,1bottle•Vodka,2bottles•Gin,1bottle•Whisky,1bottle•Vermouth—dry,1bottle•Vermouth—sweet,1bottle

•Wine—white,10750mLbottles•Wine—red,6750mLbottles•Champagne/sparklingwine,4750mLbottles

•Orangejuice,4litres•Tomatojuice,2litres•Cranberryjuice,2litres•Pinkgrapefruitjuice,2litres

•Cognac,1bottle•Baileys,1bottle•GrandMarnierliqueur,1bottle•Cointreau,1bottle•Coffeeliqueur,1bottle

•Water—sparkling,2412ozbottles•Water—flat,4812ozbottles

•Cola,6litresdietand6litresregular•Gingerale,4litres•Sodawater,3litres•Tonicwater,6litres

•Ice,100lbs•Olives,16oz•Lemons,6•Limes,12

DECANTINGWINEWhenservingwineinyourhome,firstuncorkandtasteit,preferablyawayfromyourguests.Ifthebottlepassesmuster,youcanthendecantitandprepareitforthetable.

STEP1:Standthebottleupforafewdaysbeforeopeningtoletanysedimentsettletothebottom.

STEP2:Holdingthebottlegently,usethecutteronyourcorkscrewtoremovethetopofthefoil.

STEP3:Insertthetipofthecorkscrewintothemiddleofthecorkandthenturnthehandleuntilthescrewwon’tgoanyfartherintothecork.

STEP4:Movetheleverarmdown,sothatitisflushagainsttheneckofthebottle.

STEP5:Pulluponthehandlefirmlytoremovethecork.

STEP6:Whendecantingthewine,positionalightsource(likeaflashlight,or,ifyouwanttoberomantic,acandle)belowthebottle—thatway,you’llseewhenthesedimentisabouttoreachthelip.That’swhenyoustoppouring.

POPPINGCHAMPAGNE

STEP1:Removeallofthefoilfromawell-chilledbottleofchampagne.

STEP2:Withyourthumbplacedfirmlyontopofthecork,twistthewirecageuntilitopens.

STEP3:Withyourthumbstillfirmlyonthecorkandwirecage,slowlytwistthebottlefromthebasewithyourotherhanduntilyoufeelthecorkrelease.Asfunasitmayseem,youareaimingtoavoidthedramatic“pop”thatresultsinoverflowandlossofchampagne.

STEP4:Pouralittleofthechampagneintoeachflute.Thisiscalled“primingtheglass.”

STEP5:Letthebubblessubsidebeforeyoufilltherestofeachglass3/4full.

PREPARINGTOEATWhenyousitdownatanytableto“breakbread”withfamily,friendsorbusinessassociates,theremaybealittletensionorhesitationbeforeyoubegin.Perhapsyouarethinking:ShouldIplacemynapkinonmylap?(Yes.)CanIstartthesoup,ordoIneedtowatchforsomeoneelseatthetabletobeginfirst?(No,you’llwanttowaitforthehostorhostess.)CanIfinishmyglassofwaterbecauseI’mreallythirsty?(Ofcourse!)WhatdoIdoifIneedtousethewashroomduringthemeal?WhatifIabsolutelymustanswermycellphone?(Inbothofthesesituations,you’llexcuseyourselfquietlyandleavethediningroom.)

BUTLER’STIP

Usethecommunalbutterknifetotakebutterfromthebutterdish,andputitonyoursideplate.Returnthis

knifetothedish,anduseyourbutterspreadertodressyourbread.

Nomatterwhattypeoftableyouareat—formalorcasual,lunchordinner—thesesimpleideasmayhelp.

USEYOURNAPKINPROPERLYWhenyousitdown,putyournapkinonyourlap.Thefoldedseamshouldfaceawayfromyouandtheopenedgesfaceyou.Whenyouneedtowipeyourmouth,dosoontheinsideofthenapkinandthenfolditinhalfagain,withtheopenedgefacingyou.Why?Becausethisway,anygreaseordirtonthenapkinremainshiddenfromviewanditwon’tstainyourclothes.

USECUTLERYINTHERIGHTORDERNomatterwhereyouareintheworld,startbyusingthecutleryfarthestfromyourplateandworkyourwayinwardstowardsyourplate,coursebycourse.

WAITFORYOURHOSTORHOSTESSNeverstartyourmealbeforethehostorhostessunlessheorsheasksyoutopleasebegineating.

WHENINDOUBT,WATCHTHEHOSTORHOSTESSWheneveryoudon’tknowwhattodo,neverlookatthepersonbesideyou;instead,looktothehostorhostess.It’stheirtable,sotheywillknowwhatutensilstouse.

TAKEPARTINTHECONVERSATION

Althoughyouaretheretoenjoyyourmeal—andyoushould—remembertospeakwiththedinersoneithersideofyou.Don’tbeafraidtovoiceanopinionorshareafunnyandrelevantstory,provideditisnotindiscreetorinsensitive.

BUTLER’STIP

Ifyoudropyourcutleryatarestaurantorataformaldinner,leaveitonthefloorandasktheservertopleasebringyouanewpiece.Itisconsideredunhygienicfor

youtopickitup.

POLITETABLECONVERSATION“Turningthetable”wasonceacommontermandpractice.Whenagentlemansatatadinnertable,ideallyhewasresponsibleforentertainingtheladiestohisrightandleft.Hewouldstartbyengaginginpolitetableconversationwiththeladytohisright(theonehehadhelpedtoseat).Halfwaythroughdinner,hewould“turnthetable,”meaningturnhisattentiontotheladyonhisleft,andconversewithherfortheremainderofthemeal.Intoday’ssociety,manyhavelosttheartofconversationandourattentionspansareshort,yet“turningthetable”isstillavaluableskill.Itencourageseveryoneseatedatthetabletointeractandleadstoanenjoyablemeal.Beingabletoconverseaboutavarietyofsubjectsisimportanttoo.Youmaybeanaccomplishedlawyeroranexpertonhydrangeaplants,butthatdoesn’tmeanthesearetopicsotherpeoplewanttohearabout.Awelcomeguestissomeonewhohasknowledgeofmanytopicsandshowsinterestintopicsraisedbyothersatthetable,inordertocarryonacivilizedandengagingconversation.

Buthowdoyoumastertheartofconversation?First,makeanefforttospeakwiththoseoneithersideofyou,andatanormalvolume.Yellingatadinnerpartywilldominateothers’conversations—andit’samarkofpooretiquetteallaround.Second,ifyou’relostforconversationsubjects,saysomethingflatteringtoyourneighbour.Don’tgushwithfalseflattery,butfindsomethingkind,graciousandsinceretosay.Third,comepreparedwithsomethingtospeakabout.Irecommendreadingthenewspapereverymorning,especiallybeforeanimportantdinner.Alternatively,listentothenewsontheradioorontelevision.Doingsokeepsyouabreastofcurrentevents,andwillgiveyoumanyrelevanttopicstoconverseabout.

TOPTENRULESOFTABLEMANNERS

1.YourDinnerNapkin:Nevertuckyournapkinintoyourcollar.Whenyouwanttouseyournapkin,putyourcutlerydownfirstandpickitupfromyourlap.Whenyouaredonewithyournapkin,placeitbackonyourlapandresumeeating.

2.Elbows:Asyourmotheralwayssaid,noelbowsonthetable.Also,don’tletyourelbowsstickoutatyoursideslikewings.Keepthemtuckedintoyourbody,especiallywhenliftingfoodtoyourmouth.

3.WhenYouDon’tLikeWhatIsBeingServed:Inevitablytherewillbetimeswhenyoudon’tlikethedishbeingserved.Takealittleofwhatisbeingserved,tryit,andtrynottolookunhappy.Youdon’tneedtofinishit.

4.BringingYourForktoYourMouth:Neverleanovertheplate.Instead,bringyourforktoyourmouth.

5.YourCutlery:Speakingwhileholdingyourcutleryand,worseyet,pointingwithyourcutlerywhilespeakingisconsideredveryrude.Andavoidholdingyourcutlery“asifyouaregoingtowar,”asmymotheralwayssays.Putcutlerydownwhilechewing.

6.Reaching:Neverreachforthesalt.Askthepersonbesideyou,“Wouldyoupassthesalt,please?”

7.Speaking:Neverspeakwithyourmouthfull.Iknow,you’vehearditbefore,butitbearsrepeating.

8.BlowingYourNose:Ifyoumustblowyournose,neverdoitatthetable.Excuseyourselfandgototherestroomorelsewhere.Beasquietaspossiblesoyoudonotdisturbtheotherguestsatthetable.

9.DealingwithSpillsattheTable:Ifyouaccidentallyspillsomething,don’tmakeabigdealaboutit.Ifthereareservers,motionforoneofthemtobringyouadditionalnapkins.Dealwiththeproblemasquietlyandquicklyaspossible.Ifyouaccidentallyspillsomethingonsomeoneelse,resistthetemptationtowipethemdownyourself.Instead,offeryournapkin.

10.ConcludingYourMeal:Attheendofeverymeal,thenapkinalwaysgoesontopofthetable,neveronyourchair.Pushyourchairbackintothetable;don’tleaveitwhereyougotoutofit.

BUTLER’STIP

Ifamealisincludedaspartofajobinterview,rememberyourtablemanners!They’renotofferingyou

lunchbecausethey’reworriedthatyou’rehungry.

AFTERNOONTEAVS.HIGHTEATheideafortheritualofafternoonteaisoftencreditedtoAnnaMaria

Stanhope,theDuchessofBedford.AfternoonteabeganintheUnitedKingdomduringtheVictorianeraandwasenjoyedbymiddle-andupper-classhouseholds.Usuallyservedbetween3:00p.m.and5:00p.m.,itwasameansofstavingoffhungeruntildinner,whichwasservedlaterintheevening.Afternoonteausuallyconsistsofaserviceoftea,withscones,cakes,pastriesand/orsandwiches,andisservedonacoffeetable.Highteawasamoresubstantialmeal,withatleastonehotfooditem,servedaround6:00p.m.,andiswhatwewouldrefertoastheeveningmeal—dinner.Today,thetwokindsofteaareoftenconfusedandpeoplefrequentlyusetheterm“hightea”torefertoanelaborateafternoontea.Organizinganafternoonteaisafantasticwaytoentertainwithoutfussingtoomuch.Ifyouliveinasmallapartment,it’smucheasiertoinvitefamilyandfriendstoteathantodinner,andyouavoidhavingtodoalotofcooking.It’salsomoreeconomical,whileatthesametimeelegant.Ialsofindafternoonteatobeagreattoolforbusinessentertaining.It’stheperfectwaytogettoknowasmallgroupsocially,butitstillallowsyoutodiscussbusinessinafocusedandpersonalsession.Inmyexperience,peoplerelax,andyouareabletosuccessfullygetthingsdone.

QUESTIONSTOANSWERBEFOREYOUSTARTPREPARINGFORTEA

•Howmanyguestsarecoming?

•Whattimewillafternoonteabeserved?

•Whatkindofteawouldeachpersonliketodrink?

•Isthereaspecificselectionofsandwiches,sconesandcakesrequiredorwouldanassortedtrayofthesefooditemsbeacceptable?

Onceyoucananswerthesequestions,youarereadytobeginpreparations.Thecoffeetableisusuallysetpriortothearrivalofyour

guests.Servetheteaitselfonlyafteryourguestsarrive.Whenyoubringintheteatray,youasthehostorhostessmaychoosetopourtheteaintoyourguests’cupsoryoumayaskoneofyourgueststopour.Thepersonwhopourstheteamayaddthesugarandmilkorlemonfortheguests,ortheguestsmayservethemselves.Theteatrayshouldbelargeenoughtoholdalltheteaservice

components,excludingthefood.Thefoodisusuallybroughtinseparately;thefoodcanbeservedonplatesandbroughtinonatrayorservedmoretraditionallyonatieredcake-stand.Ifthefoodisservedonathree-tieredstand,itisplacedinthisorder:cakesandpastriesonthetoptier,sconesandclottedcreamonthemiddletierandteasandwichesonthebottomtier.Youmayoffertoserveguestsorguestsmayservethemselves.

AFTERNOONTEATRAYCOMPONENTSPreparingateatrayforafternoonteamayseemastraightforwardtask,butpeopleoftengetitwrongbecausetheyhavenotplacedallthenecessarycomponentsonthetray.Theteatrayproperlysetwithalltheappropriateelementsisplacednearthehostorhostessandisreadyforimmediateservice.

•Smallplates(2)•Smallforks(2)•Smallknives(2)•Teacupandsaucer(2)•Teaspoon(2)•Sugarbowl(1)•Milkjug(1)•Lemonslices(2)•Teapot(1)•Hotwaterpot(1)•Flowerpot(1)•Napkins(2)

HOWTOBREWAPOTOFTEA:TEABAGMETHOD

STEP1:Warmtheteapotwithalittlehotwater.

STEP2:Swirlthewatertoheattheteapot.

STEP3:Pouroutthehotwaterthroughthespout.

STEP4:Addoneortwoteabagstotheteapot,dependingonthesize.Makesurethattheteabagtagishangingouttoidentifythetypeoftea.

STEP5:Pourfreshlyboiled(butnotboiling)waterovertheteabag.

STEP6:Placethelidbackontheteapotandallowtheteatosteep3to5minutes,dependingonthetype.Thenremovetheteabagsothattheteadoesnotbecomebitter,andserveimmediately.

HOWTOBREWAPOTOFTEA:LOOSELEAFMETHOD

STEP1:Warmtheteapotwithalittlehotwater.

STEP2:Swirlthewatertoheattheteapot.

STEP3:Pouroutthehotwaterthroughthespout.

STEP4:Addoneteaspoonoflooseteapercupofwater.

STEP5:Pourfreshlyboiled(butnotboiling)waterovertheloosetea.

STEP6:Placethelidbackontheteapottoallowtheteatobrew3to5minutes,dependingonteatype.Then,eitherremovethetealeavesorserveimmediatelyaftersteeping.

COFFEESTYLESManypeoplewhoenjoycoffeearepickyabouthowtheytakeitandevenwhatsortofcoffeetheydrink.Alwayschooseagood,freshbean,and,ifyouknowhow,grindfresh-roastedcoffeebeansyourself.Ifthat’snotpossible,optforgood-qualitygroundcoffee,andaskthecoffeeshoptogrinditforyou.Coffeebeansshouldalwaysberoastedbyprofessionalsbecausetheyareveryeasytoburn.Besttoleaveittotheexperts.Therearemanystylesofcoffeeanddifferentgrindsavailable.Agoodhostorhostessshouldbefamiliarwiththevariousoptionsandbepreparedtoofferguestsaperfectlymadecupofcoffee.

BLACK:Freshlybrewed,percolatedcoffeeservedwithoutmilkor

creaminacoffeecup.Sugarisoffered.

ESPRESSO:Aconcentratedcoffeebrewedbyforcinghotwaterathighpressurethroughfinelygroundcoffee.Espressoisservedinanespressocup.Sugarisoffered.

CAFÉAULAIT:

Madewithequalpartsstrongcoffeeandhot,steamingmilk.Sugarisoffered.ItisusuallyservedFrenchstyleinabowl,butcanalsobeservedinalargecup.TheItalianversionofcaféaulaitisacaffelatte,consistingofoneshotofespressowithagenerousamountofsteamedmilk(a1:3ratio).Likecaféaulait,itisoftenservedinalargebowlorcup,butcanalsobeservedinaglass.

CAPPUCCINO:

Anespresso-baseddrinkconsistingofequalpartsespresso,steamedmilkandfrothedmilk.Itisalwaysservedinacupandcanbedustedwitheithercinnamonorcocoapowder.Youshouldalwaysaskyourguestswhattheirpreferencesarebeforedustingwitheither.Sugarisoffered.InItaly,cappuccinoisservedatbreakfastonly.

CREATINGTHEPERFECTGUESTBEDROOMSometimeswhileentertaining,youarecalledupontohouseaguestforthenight.Intheeventthatsomeoneaskstostayoveratyourhouseunexpectedly,thereisnoreasonwhyyoucan’tbeprepared(thoughIwouldcautionyoutotryandavoidimposingonyourhostsifyouareaguestinsomeoneelse’shome,ifatallpossible).Thecomfortandstyleoftheguestbedroomispartofyourvisitor’soverallexperienceandshouldreflectthatoftherestofthehouse.Youwantyourguesttobeabletorelaxthereandgetagoodnight’ssleep.

Awordofadvice:Ilearnedfromaformeremployerthatsleepinginaguestbedroomyourselfforoneortwonightsisthebestwaytonoticethelittledetailsthatcanbeimproved.Youcan’timaginethethingsIhavenoticedbydoingthis.Providethefollowingtocreatetheperfectguestbedroom:

•Extrablanketsandpillows

•Atleastoneelectricaloutletforcellphonesandcomputerchargers

•Analarmclock

•Aphone

•Notepaper,apenandsharppencilsbesidethephoneorinanotherconvenientspotintheroom

•Internetaccess

•Agoodreadinglightbesidethebed

•Aradioand/ortelevision

•Lightreadingmaterial(magazinesorfavouritebooks)and/orplayingcards

THEGUESTBOOKAguestbookprovidesthehostandhostesswithamementointheformofarecordofalltheguestswhohavevisitedtheirhomeorattendedeventsthere.Youoftenseeguestbooksatcastles,palaces,officialgovernmentresidences,statelyhomesandlargecountryestates.Ihavealwayslovedthesebooks;itissomuchfuntolookbackatallthepeoplewhohavevisitedovertheyears.Ialsobelievethatguestsarehonouredtobeaskedtosigntheofficialguestbookofaprominentorimportantresidence.

Herearesometipsonusingaguestbook:

•Purchaseanattractiveguestbookfromatraditionalstationerysupplier.

•Writethenameoftheoccasionandthedateatthetopofthepage.(Entriesshouldbeontherightsideofthepageonly.)

•Invitegueststosigntheguestbookastheyleave.(Theinvitermaybeyou,asthehost,oradesignatedother.)

•Provideguestswithagood-qualitypenforsigning.

FOODANDWINEPAIRINGS

Barbecues Well-chilled,crispwhitesLightlychilled,youngandfruityreds

Chicken

Roast ChablisPouilly-Fumé

Stir-fry AlsatianRiesling

Curry

ChilledLagerNewWorldChardonnayAnjouRoséWhiteBordeauxRiesling

Desserts

ApplePie SweetGermanwineSauternes

ChocolateCake OrangeMuscat

CrèmeBrûléeChampagneMadeiraSauternes

Freshfruit MuscatSparklingwine

Tiramisu Port

Fish Halibut PinotGrigio

Salmon ChardonnayPuligny-Montrachet

Snapper SauvignonBlanc

Meat

LambCabernetSauvignonOldWorldChiantiRedRioja

Pork WhiteBurgundyBeaujolais

Steak,Grilled BordeauxNewWorldCabernetSauvignon

SteakauPoivre Zinfandel

Steak,T-bone Barolo

Oysters,raw ChampagneSancerre

Pasta

Meat MerlotChiantiClassico

Pesto SauvignonBlanc

Tomato ZinfandelValpolicella

Proscuitto ZinfandelRiesling

QuichesBeaujolais-VillagesPinotGrisSauvignonBlanc

Soups Chowder NewWorldChardonnayFrenchOnion SouthernFrenchRedslikeCorbièresorFitou

Gazpacho ChilledSherryWhiteRioja

THEBUTLER’SFOOLPROOFMENUPLANS

SocialSituation BusinessSituation

Breakfast

Thisisanopportunitytocreateafunmealwithouttoomuchfuss.Mostoftheseitemscanbemadeorpurchasedthedaybefore(thoughyou’llwanttobakethefrittatafirstthinginthemorning).

Abusinessbreakfastshouldbesimpleandminimal.Don’tletanelaboratemenuplangetinthewayofaproductivemeeting.

Bakedfrittata;freshgranola;yogurt;assortedseasonalfruit;aselectionofmuffins,sconesorwhole-graintoastingbreads;caféaulait,espresso,coffeeortea.

Croissantsandpainsauchocolat;sweetbutterandafewdifferenttypesofjam;coffeeandtea.

Lunch

Abiggroupgatheringforlunchdoesn’tneedtobecomplicatedinordertobesophisticated.Asaladwithproteinandlotsofveggiescanserveasacompletemealforeveryone.

Aselectionofcrustybreadsandrolls;SaladeNiçoise;cheeseplate;poundcakewithfreshberriesfordessert.

Abusinesslunchshouldincludefoodsthatarenottooheavyorsugary,andthatareeasytoeatwithoutgettingcaughtinyourteeth!

Aselectionofcrustybreadandrolls;poachedsalmonservedatroomtemperature;steamedasparagusdrizzledwitholiveoil,lemonzestandParmesancheese;ricepilafwithnutsandraisins;shortbreadorotherbite-sizedcookiesfordessert.

Dinner

Whenhostingdinnerforfriends,chooseamealthatyou’recomfortablecookingsoyouhavetimetoentertainyourguestsandenjoytheircompany.

Tomatoandcucumbersalad;herb-roastedchicken;warmfingerlingpotatosalad;sugarsnappeas;blueberrycrispwithvanillaicecreamfordessert.

Thisisyouropportunitytopulloutallthestopsandimpressyourcolleagues.Butonewordofadvice—makesureyou’vetriedcookingthismealbeforethebignight!There’snothingworsethanburningtheroastwithyourbossscheduledtoarriveanyminute.

Greensaladwithlemonvinaigrette;roastbeeftenderloin;slow-roastedtomatoes;steamedharicotsverts;garlicmashedpotatoes;pavlovawithseasonalfruitfordessert.

COOKBOOKSEVERYONESHOULDOWN

TheCakeBiblebyRoseBeranbaum(NewYork:W.Morrow,1988)Ilovethebreadthofthiscookbook.It’sanincrediblereferenceforalltypesofcakes,andifyoufollowtherecipes,it’sfoolproof.

ChinaExpressbyNinaSimonds(NewYork:W.Morrow,1993)I’vebeenahugefanofNinaSimonds’sforyears.Shemakescomplexrecipessosimpletoexecute,andshewalksyouthroughitstepbystep.

EssentialsofClassicItalianCookingbyMarcellaHazan(NewYork:Knopf,1992)IdonotknowofabetterItaliancookbookauthorthanMarcellaHazan.Ihavepreparedcountlessrecipesfromherbookovertheyearsandhaveneverhadarecipegowrong.Countonthisbookforgoodfamily-stylecooking,ormasterfulentertaining.

HowtoCookEverything:SimpleRecipesforGreatFoodbyMarkBittmanandAlanWitschonke(NewYork:Wiley,2006)It’ssimple.Ilovethisbecauseittellsyou,inplainEnglish,howtocookeverything!

MasteringtheArtofFrenchCookingbyJuliaChildSimoneBeckandLouisetteBertholle(NewYork:Knopf,1961)ThereisnobettercookorteacherthanJuliaChild.Ihadthehonourofmeetingherthreetimesandeachwasbetterthanthelast.Youcouldspendtherestofyourlifewithonlythisonebookandeatwelleverysingleday.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Tomyfriendsandcolleagues:thankyou!

MarcusL.H.DearnScottB.MundenJudyMuromotoJohnRobertsonRobertMcCulloughZoeMaslowNitaPronovostBradMartinKristinCochraneCathyPaineDanMozerskyMarilynDenisCharlotteEmpeyOlivierCrémontMichelleCrespiRobertHickeyDr.BarbaraC.EastmanMadameVivianeNeriM.PhilippeNeriMrs.DorothyWolfson