The MIL Chronicles - Summer Newsletter

Letter from the editorThe MIL Chronicles is here! Words can’t describe the immense sense of joy I feel to be able to introduce this to the world. One of my favorite books, “The Alche-mist” describes how your heart feels happy when you are pursuing your dreams, because essentially your dreams lead you to your purpose on this earth. My heart feels incredibly happy as I am seeing my passion, my dream, come true. After a lot of hard work, determination, and overcoming a great amount of fear, we are here. I used to think “but this dream is so small, I just want to write and develop aa blog about a subject I’m very passionate about”. But I realized no matter how big or small, your dreams can, and do lead you to more than you could ever im-agine. So here goes!

When I first started writing, and before The MIL Chronicles was even born, I wrote out of hurt, anger, and the need for some sort of outlet. As I wrote, I start-ed to ask myself every “Why” question you could think of; “Why is she like that?”, Why doesn’t he get it?”, Why does it have to be this way?”, and so on. From here my writing started to look and sound differently as I began to really think about the ongoing cycle of dysfunction, and about the fact that I know less than a hand-ful of women that have a positive relationship with their mother-in-law. Topics of discussion began to flow as I wanted to discuss all the situations and scenarios that I had heard other women talk about, or that I myself had experienced. My goal wasn’t to bash or categorize all mother-in-laws, but rather to bring to light the perspective of a group of women that deserve to be heard, and that need a supportive outlet. I want to discuss the thoughts and situations surrounding this epidemic with the hope that through discussion, light will be shone and the cycle can begin to be broken; and ultimately a place of peace can be found.

So this is our very first issue and there’s lots to enjoy. Not only do we have a spe-cial feature from an expert, everyone can register to win one of my Top 5 Fa-vorites for the Summer! So turn to page 3 and take a look! I always want to hear from you, so email me at [email protected]

J. Matthews

News

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Our Featured Expert, Kimberly Gist Miller discusses “Develop-mental Transitions”, and the importance of a united front.

Summer Guest Blog Series Details Inside

Take a look at our picks for the the summer. Our Top 5 Summer Favorites are inside.

Register to win at www.themilchronicles.com

You voted! Read our Top Rated Blog post thus far, and see the results of the related Blog Poll.

Also check out a sneak peak of what’s coming up next!

For this issue, We asked Kim to give us her professional take on the mistakes couples make, the “Single MIL Syndrome”, and what it takes to move forward. Here’s what she had to say.

Q: What are the 3 biggest mistakes couples make when dealing with a tumul-tuous mother-in-law / daughter-in-law relationship?

A: I think the number one mistake that couples make is that they don’t ac-knowledge the developmental transition necessary once you say “I do”; going from “individuals” to “a family unit”, and “from child to adult”. Another common mistake that I see in these tumultuous triads is the husband/son does not navigate the development shift well. Finally, the third mistake is that many families do not take intentional steps to resolve these conflicts.

Q: Do you think there is a correlation between single mothers and dysfunc-tional mother-in-law / daughter-in-law relationships? Why or Why not?

A: I don’t know that there is a correlation there. I suspect the biggest correla-tion with dysfunctional mother-in- law / daughter-in-law rela- tion-ships is the son/husband’s level of emotional development and how comfortable he is in dealing with conflict. Hus-bands who are conflict avoidant and passive tend be the greatest risk factor.

Q: What is most important in being able to move forward towards a healthy relationship? And is there ever a point of no return?A:A: Moving forward requires open and respectful communication. The conflicts are most likely to be resolved when the husband takes on the role of “leader” and facilitates honest and respectful dialogue between his wife and his mother. It is important that the husband and wife are committed to each other and work as a team to seek solutions, and that everyone maintains an attitude of openness, understanding and respect.

Kimberly Gist MillerLicensed Marriage and Family

Therapist - Frisco, TX.

214-872-4334

Kimberly Miller was born and raised in Southern California, and received both a Bachelor of Arts Degree, and a Masters of Science Degree in Psychol-ogy from California State University, Long Beach.

With more than 20 years of experience providing direct and honest counseling and therapy to adults, children, families and couples across di-verse backgrounds, Kimberly’s mission is to foster growth while providing a safe, caring, and profes-sional relationship.www.myfriscocounselor.com

Sarah, FL

What an amazing site! This is going to help so many daughter-in-laws. I only hope hus-bands and MILs read your posts and learn.

Melissa, NY

Kudos to you J. Matthews for taking a leap of faith and discussing this very sensitive but needed subject.

Karen, CA

Thanks for bringing this very real issue to light. I’ve been struggling with my MIL for years.

Our Summer Guest Blog Series will start July 16th and run through September 24th. Every two weeks, we will get to hear the perspective of a husband, a mother and daughter-in-law with a great relationship, a moth-er-in-law with a not so great daughter-in-law relation-ship, a licensed marriage counselor, and a pastor/pro-fessor . See below for what’s in store!

July 16 - My Rite of Passage - A Husband’s PerspectiveJuly 30 - When It Works - The Perspective of a Daughter-in-Law with a great Mother-in-Law RelationshipAugust 13 - I Love My Daughter-in-Law - The Perspective of a Mother-in-Law with a great Daughter-in-Law Relationship AAugust 27 - “A United Front” - Why It’s Important For a Married Couple to Remain United When Facing Adversity Outside of the Marriage.September 10 - My Responsibility to My Son - From a MILSeptember 24 - How Marriage Works - The Importance of Leav-ing, Cleaving & Oneness

My Top

Summer Favorites

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Our Top Rated

rock for all the single women in his life? While I’m not suggesting that a son cease to ever be there for the other women in his life, I would ask if a continued codependent relationship is really healthy for either party? I know most mothers would argue that it’s only natural to be in love with their sons, after all they gave birth to this person and have nurtured them into their adulthood. While it is natural, I think the situation becomes prob-lematic when a mother can’t distinguish herself from being her son’s mom andand not his wife, and seeing her son as her son only, no longer a child or her man. When this distinction is not made, that’s when a mother begins to display the characteristics of a mistress, the other woman, because

someone has come along and stolen her man. And actions based on feelings of jealousy, competitive-ness, and simply not being in control ensue....

Read More at www.themilchronicles.com

The makeup of my family seems normal from where I'm from, and I have the typical single mother story. I am the oldest son of 3 children on my mother's side, and my mother became pregnant just before my father left for college in 1974. The issue was that she was 14 years old when she got pregnant with me, and my dad was 19.

My mother met my father sometime before she went to high school. Innever really asked her much about it, but as far as I could tell sheloved him. She has told me that she was in love with my father, but Ibelieve it was more so infatuation. My grandmother gave me most ofthe information about my father. She said that my father was theyoungest of 14 children. I don’t think my parents had a very longrelationship, as my mother was extremely young when she pursued myffather. My grandmother said that she didn't blame my dad, because she knew how manipulative my mother could be, and that she was accus-tomed to getting her way. I know my mom loved me, and I’m sure abor-tion was never a question for her because she needed to feel loved. And her baby would always love her, as long as she was an involved mother....

Has anyone ever asked themself, how many women do I know that have a successful Mother-in Law/Daughter-in-Law relationship? To be specific, by successful I mean a relationship where both sincerely love each other and feel not as in laws, but as immediate family. Unfortunately, I think most women would say they don’t know many married women with a successful Mother-in-law/Daughter-in-law relationship. There’s always the inevitable and dreaded MIL story or situation. Now ask yourself how many ofof those unsuccessful relationships involve single mother-in-laws? Sadly, I would predict it involves the majority of them. This is not to bash single mothers. However, I think there is a direct correlation between the breakdown of the family and what I call, “The Single MIL Syndrome”: an overly excessive social, emotional, and sometimes physical dependence towards one’s own adult son that hinders the relationship with any female suisuitor, or male companion of your own.

From a biblical perspective, a man must “leave” his parents in order to have a successful marriage and become one with his wife. However, too often the breakdown of the family, and subsequently single mothers cleaving to their sons, disrupts the biblical foundation and responsibility of the sons to naturally leave their mothers. The son is then raised to believe it is his responsibility to emotionally, socially and sometimes financiallyfinancially support and protect his single mother as an adult. The continued “husband-like, and/or “child-like” relationship nurtures this sort of thinking. But fundamentally, this is not a son’s role or purpose. And it is crucial for both the mother and the son to understand this very fact in order for the son to be able to make the most important decision and commitment of his life, to be successfully married. If this rite of passage doesn’t take place, how can a son understand his role as a husband, and not feel like he’s in a tug of war betbetween his mother and his wife? How can he “snap out of” the role he’s held for most of his life?

Too often I’ve heard of the pressure single mothers put on their sons where they feel guilty and obligated to take care of their mother, and sometimes the other single women in their life. The mom has “held him down” as a single mother and sacrificed so much for him throughout her early life. Therefore, he must return the favor for her in his adulthood. While the level of sacrifice parents go through on a daily basis to give their children the absolute best possible is something children should be eternally grateful for, dodo they ask to be brought into this world? Furthermore, how can a man be the head of his own household when he’s torn between already being the

67% of you feel it is not a parent’s responsibility to

protect their child from their

decisions in their

adulthood.

My Rite of Passage:

A Husband’s Perspective

The MIL ChroniclesP.O. Box 2226Allen, TX. 75013