The Harvard Lampoon | Burnout #

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56 JFK Street • Cambridge, MA • 617.441.0056 • www.smallplatesrestaurant.com

sp_lampoon_ad.qxp 11/14/2007 4:55 PM Page 1

350 Mass Ave., Cambridge, MA

(617) 577-9100Located between CENTRAL SQUARE and MIT

$3.00 Validated Parking in University Park Garage. (Some restrictions apply.)

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• Tuesday: Trivia

• Wednesday: Karaoke

• Thursday: Guitar Hero• Friday: Lounge Music

• Saturday: Live Bands‘Til 2am -No Cover!

Private Castle Rooms available - perfect forbusiness functions and private parties.

• Tuesday: Trivia





Weekend Brunch $7.99 - $11.99Weekend Brunch $7.99 - $11.99

vanitas I remembermyfirst day atHarvard – inmy nerdiest glasses andmymostshoulder-ysuit, I skippedoff tomyfirstmeal.“This is it,” I thought.“Myfirst test.Actcool.Don’tmixupthesoupspoonsandtheteaspoons.Don’tputtheiPodinthetoaster.”I lookedaroundme, toseehoweveryoneelsewasdoing. Insteadofbright,youngfaces,thepeoplelookedwornout.Beatdown.Wheelchaired.Slowly,IrealizedIwassomehowinanursinghome.

AsIlookedatoneoldwoman,Irealizedwewerenotsodifferent–bothofushadnoideawherewewere.Butwewerealsotired.Asateen,Ididitall.Ibecamefluentinforeignlanguages,foundanewelement,anddeliveredmyownbaby–whichIthengraciouslydonatedtocharity,anonymously.Winningallthetimewasdraggingmedown.MostlybecauseIinsistedonconstantlywearingeverymedal,allmyribbons,andoneshockinglyheavycrown.

FromthemomentIwasborn–mindyou,withthelongestumbilicalcordthedoctorhadeverseen–Ihadtriedtobethebest.Iwasburntout,andsoweremostofmyHarvardpeers.Takemyroommate.“Youshouldhaveanissueaboutoverachievers,failure,andthepressuretosucceed,”sheoncetoldme.AndasIsetherthesisonfireforoutsmartingme,likeaphoenix,myissuewasbornfromtheashes.Yes,thepaperisrecycledbecauseIcareabouttheenvironment,sodon’tfeelbadaboutleavingthisonthegroundorusingittochokeaseagull.

Sohere’sanissuetailoredspecificallytomyreadersandsubscribers:forthe60%thatareHarvardstudents,anissueaboutpeakingearlyandfailingtosucceed.Foranother39%–thefirefighters–anissueaboutfires.Forthelast1%,thedeceased,anissueflammableenoughforfuneralpyres.Anissuehotenoughtomeltyoureyeballs.Anissueshortenoughforustoafford.

MEB

vanitas

BURNOUT #




*One chance per party of two or more persons. Valid during dinner Sunday throughWednesday nights, or weekend brunch. Must have valid College or Faculty ID.




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• Tuesday: Trivia





• Tuesday: Trivia





Weekend Brunch $7.99 - $11.99Weekend Brunch $7.99 - $11.99 5

December 2007 Vol. CXCVII, No. 4

BOARD OF EDITORS

Ross E. Arbes ’08, PresidentMaureen E. Boyle ’08, Ibis

James A. Powers ’08, NarthexHayes H. Davenport ’08, Treasurer

Robert I. Padnick ’09. NavebutJustin G. Hurwitz ’07-’08, HautboisMatthew K. Grzecki ’10, HautboisEmmet F. McDermott ’09, Sanctum

Christopher R. Schleicher ’09, SanctumJared S. Gruszecki ’09, Librarian

Sakura M. Christmas ’07-’08, Blot

BUSINESS BOARD

MacDonald C. Bartels ’09, Business ManagerEdward R. Sherrill ’08, Advertising Manager

Samuel W. Teller ’08-’09, Circulation Manager

M. B. Hess ’09M. C. Allison ’09

Elmer W. Green, 1897-1977, Grand CuratorJoseph F. Hickey, Curator

ISSUE EDITORMaureen E. Boyle ’08

ART EDITORSakura M. Christmas ’07-’08

J. T. Lu ’08N. H. Stein ’10W. B. Bailey ’08R. R. Rojer ’09

G. M. Schabb ’09D. N. Ashwood ’10

J. B. Owen ’10

The Harvard Lampoon is published five times during the academic year by The Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Principal office 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. Third-class postage paid at Cambridge, MA. U.S. subscription: $20 for five issues, $35 for ten, $50 for fifteen. Overseas subscriptions: call for rates. Postmaster: send address changes to Harvard Lampoon, 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. © 2007 Harvard Lampoon, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in any form without written permission is prohibited. Phone: (617) 495-7801. Fax: (617) 495-1668. URL: http://www.harvardlampoon.com. The Harvard Lampoon does not accept unsolicited manuscripts, even manuscripts on pink paper. Even manuscripts from strikers. The Lampoon is a registered trademark of The Harvard Lampoon, Inc.

AsIbisstaredatablankscreen,wonderingwhatthissectionwasactuallyfor,Jesterlookedoverher shoulder, sipping a ‘Gansett. “I rememberbrighterdays,”hesaid,“DayswhenIhadnevergottenaB+,dayswhentherewasfreepizzafornoreasonatall.Nowwehavetowritethings,write funny things about actualAfghani refu-gees,inordertogetfreepizza.Thingsweresodifferentthen.”IncameMoneybags,cashfall-ingoutofhispocketandBerrylinedrippingoutofhismouth.“Ican’tpayanyoneback,”hesaid,settingmostof thecashonfire.Hewas right.Theywerealljusttootiredtocalculatetheim-possible debts – tired fromQR classes, figureskatinglessons,andwomanshoppingatHillel.

Suddenly, an ex-con came busting out of thecloset.“Whydidn’tyouusethedoorhandle?”said Moneybags, crying softly into a bag ofjerky.Butthatex-conneverplayedbytherules–notwhenitcametolaws,norwhenitcametobasicthings,likehisage.“Iusedtobeabeau-tiful composer, andnow lookatme,”he said,sadly ramming his piano over and over againintomoredoors.

Ibis’sheartsankasshelookedovertotheInno-cents,themerechildren.Theyshouldbeoutsideplaying, she thought (mostly because one ofthemwasgettingfat).Butevensheknewitwastoodangerousfortheminthisworldofgold

stars and baby Einsteins. And besides, therewerefartoomanyplanesintheskythatday.

Whathadhappened to them?Was it theyearsof schooling?Oppressive parents?That bottleofwhiskeythatcameinthecasketthatonetimethat theyweren’t allowed toopen?Theceleb-marathon2k7?

Justthen,incameBlot,freshwithsomewoodhe cut from theHarvard forest. “Let’s build afire,”hesaid–orsoeveryonethoughthesaid,sinceonecouldneverbesure.Everyonesimul-taneously litamatchandbegantospeak.AndIbishadheranswer. MEB

jester. ibis. blot.

BURNOUT # 7

-I’vegotsomethingonmymind,Dave.-I’mlistening.-Iwanttotellyouthisinconfidence,though.Mantoman.-Ofcourse.You’remybestfriend,Mikey.-AndIdon’twanttohearanyshitaboutwhyI’mwearingthisdressallofasudden.Wejustcamebackfromfootballpracticeandinsteadofchangingbackintomyjeansandat-shirt,Ichangedintothisdress.Isthatokay?-Sureman,what’sonyourmind?-Ialreadyknowwhatyou’rethinking:lookatthisguy,mybestfriend.IthoughtIknewhim.Andnowlook.He’sputtingon…holdon…he’sputtingonlipstickrightnow.Likesomesortofgirl.Whatgives?-Listen,Mike.Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingon.YouknowI’myourbestbud.Idon’tcarewhatthisisabout.I’mhereforyou.-See?Thisisalltoomuchtotakeinatonce.Iguessyoushouldn’thavecomeherelikeyoualwaysdoafterpracticetoseemelikethis,yourfriend,waitingtoadjusthispantyhoserightinfrontofyoujustsoyoucanseehowmuchhe’sreallychanged.-Alright,man.Icanseethisisn’tagoodtimetotalk.I’llseeyoulater.-AndtomorrowI’mgoingtocometofootballpracticelikethis,ormaybeI’llchangeintoadifferentoutfit,withheelsthistime.Isthatokaywithyou?-Yeah,sure.Imean,I’mnotentirelysurethat’sagreatidea,buddy.Butwhateveryouwant.-Fine,thenI’llgobarefoot.How’sthat?OrmaybeI’llwearthesetinyflip-flopshere.-Okayman.Ifyouthinkthat’sagoodidea.Ijustthinktheguysmight…welltheymightmakefunofyou,Mike.Ihavetobehonestwithyou.-Why,Dave?I’mthequarterback.Lookatme.Iwantyoutolookatmerightnow.I’mthestarfuckingquarterback.

EFM

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

Locker RoomSecrets

10

BURNOUT #

IamwritingtoyouregardingmysonBrandon.Eversincehewaslittle,hehasalwayslovedfootball.Gameaf-tergamehewouldwatchonthetelevisiononSundayafternoons,neglectingwhatlittlehomeworkhehadasafirst-grad-er,impressingGarrett,whowasquiteafanhimself,havingquarterbackedhisDivisionIIcollegeteamtoa5-6season,cappedbyanearupsetofthethirdbestteamintheleague.Soonenough,Brendanwasgoingtogameswithhisfather,firsthighschoolgames,thenacollegegameonThanksgiving,thenhisfirstprogamewhenheturned12.Atthispoint,IwasmorethanhappyforBrendan,aboywhopreviouslyhadverylittleinterestinanything,oftenbouncingoutsideonourin-groundtrampolineforhoursonend,ablankstareonhisface,theoccasionalpieceofbarkvaultedintotheair.

ButwhenheaskedtojointhelocalPopWarnerteam,theQuivertonEagles,I,beingthestereotypicalnervousmother,immediatelyrefused,evenbrokedownandcriedatthethoughtofmyson,mylittleBrenny,gettinghitonaplaybeforewhichheforgettoputinhismouthpieceandlosingallofhisbrandnew,pearlywhites.ButGarrett,havingstartedplayingwhenhewasseven,saidhe’dbefine,thathemightevengetstrongerthisway,bothmentallyandphysi-cally.Still,though,Iwasmorethanalittleworried.Imean,howmanykidswithoutlegsdoyouseeplayingfootballthesedays?Notmany,definitely.

WhenIattendedthefirstpractice,Ifoundoutwhy.Hewashorrendous.Itwasn’tjustthathecouldn’trunasinglelaporlineuporevenplaybecauseleagueregulationsexplicitlystatethatallplayersmustwearlegpadsandmakenomentionofpeoplewithoutlegs,probablyforgoodreason.ItwasmorethatIdon’tthinkhe’dbegoodifhehadlegs,evenifthoselegsweresuperfast.Likeattheendofoneplay,whenakidtossedhimapass?Heflatoutdroppedit,likeabrick,likehishandswerecoatedinbutterthendippedinfailureandmoisturizedwithinabilitycream.

Orwhenthecoachtoldhim,fondly,“IloveyoureffortandIwantyoutohelpmecalltheplays,”hecouldn’trememberasingleone.Hekeptforgettingwhatplaywascalledandinsteadmadethemuponthefly,which,asyoucanimagine,causedmyriadproblems,nottheleastofwhichwasthattheplayshecalledweretheexactoppositeofthenewplayshiscoachhadjustinstalled,so,inessence,hecausedtheteamtounlearnwhattheyhadjustlearned.

Orlater,whenthemanagerkindlyaskedhim,“Howwouldyouliketobeinchargeofhandingtheplayerscupsofwater?”hekeptoverfillingthecups,likehedidn’tknowwhentostop,whichactuallymakessomesensetome,asourkitchendoesfeatureaNoogensteinAutomaticCupFiller.

Theworstthinghedidwasprobablyattheendofpractice,afterthescrimmage,whenallthekidswereshakinghands,andevenshakinghishand,attheverybackofthelines.Notonlydidhespitinhishand,which,don’tgetmewrong,wasawful,but,ashestumbledawayonhismetallictorsobottom,heraisedbothhandsintheair,asiftogiveadoublewavetohisnewteammates,butinsteadflickedeveryoneoff,reallyhard,likeinanarrogantway,asiftosug-gestthathewasthekingandalltheotherswereminions,andthenpromptlyhoppedintothebackofourstationwagon,helmetstillon.

Asofnow,Idon’treallyknowwhattodowithhim.Hestilllovesfootball,isstillontheteam,butGarrettwenttoanotherpracticelastweek?Samething.Infact,Ithinkhedoestheflicking-offthingmultipletimesnow,oftenstartingpracticewithit,likeanopeningroutine.Andhe’sreallybad,evenworsethanbefore.Hesucksatthrowing,catching,andnowcarrying,ashe’sbeguntofumbleonatroublinglyfrequentbasis.HisnicknameusedtobeLeglessWonder;nowit’sjustTheFumbler.WhatshouldIdo?Haveyoueverseenanythinglikethis?

Thanks, SheilaFrisby

MKG

Dear Dr. Sharon,

11

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

Gym ClassWhen I reflect on why I hated school so much, my gym teacher always comes to mind:

“Alrightclass,gatherround.NowI’mgoingtoteachyouthemostdifficultfoot-ballmaneuveryou’veseenyet.Jared,it’syourturntohelpmedemonstrate.Oh,comeon,don’tlooksonervous.Justbecauseyouhaven’tcaughtanyofmythrows–eventhereallyslowlobsortheonetimeIhandedtheballtoyou–doesn’tmeanyoucan’tdothis.However,keepinmindthisdoesinvolvesomeverycomplexmovements,sotheslightesterrorwillmakeyoulookgoofyanduncoordinatedinaveryembarrassingway.”

“Now,iseveryonepayingattention?IjustwanttomakesurethateveryoneiswatchingJaredascloselyaspossible.”

“Okay,Jared,startrunningtothatconeoutthere.No,notthecloseone.It’sthevery,veryfarone,waypasttheendzone.Girls,seehowhe’swavinghisarmsdaintilyfromsidetosideasheruns?ThisiswhatImeanwhenIsayyou’rerun-ninglikeagirl.”

“Herecomesthethrow.JustkeepyoureyeontheballandI’msureeverythingwillworkout.Hereitgoes...and...ohforGod’ssake,comeon.You’resupposedtouseyourhands!Wait...ishecrying?Oh,he’sseriouslycrying.Class,I’dliketoremindyouthatyou’rebeinggradedonhowwellyoupayattentiontothis.” JSG

Texting Comix by CRS, RIP Art by SMC

12

BURNOUT #

Lobsterboy Comix by CRS, MEB Art by DNA

A middle-aged man enters a house.

Man:Hello?Girl:Hey,comeonin!Imadecookies!Man:Hey,beforeItakeanymoresteps,IjustwanttosayI’mnothereforsex.Iwanttomakethatveryclear.IjustsetthisupsoIcouldmeetChrisHansen,mylosthalf-brother.I’vetriedreachinghimoverandoveragainthroughNBCbutIcan’tgetpasthisassistant.Girl:Whatareyoutalkingabout?Aren’tyouexcitedtobemyfirst?(gets naked)Man: (sadly unbuttoning shirt)I’mnevergoingtomeetChris.

JGH

To Catch a Predator

13

ello,Mrs.Gardner?It’sFelixfromtheadmissionsofficeatWilliamandMary.Hi.Howareyou?I’mgreat,thankyou.Yes.I’mactuallycallingaboutyoursonEric.Yes,yeswereceivedhisapplication.Ijusthadafewquestions.Uh-huh.Well,yoursonclaimsinhisessaythathestruggledwithextremeobesitygrowingup.Yes.Heweighsthreehundredtwentypounds?Okay.Andhe’s…?Five-eight?Right.Yes,hedidmentionhowhewasverysadandoftenturnedtofoodforcomfort.Iagree,itisverysad.Idon’tthinkitmattersthathealsowearsglasses,butthankyou,Mrs.Gardner.I’mgoingtowritethatdown.Yes.Well,Mrs.Gardner,thethingishealsoclaimstobehisschool’sstarsprinter.Right.Onthetrackteam.Yes.Thefifty-meterdash?Wow.Okay.Heisactuallyonthetrackteamthen?I’mjusttryingtoverifybecausesomeapplicantsexaggeratetheirsuccessesand…yes,terrible,Iknow.Ijustdon’tseehow—Ericjustwonthestatetitleforthefiftymeter?Wow.Sixseconds?Holdon.Ourtrackrecruiterhereisgivingmethethumbsup.IthinkI’dactuallyliketoseeEricrunmyself,though,ifthatwouldbeokay.Tomakesure,youknow.Holdon.Ourtrackrecruiterisactuallyshakinghisheadandtellingmethat’snotnecessary.Okay,well,that’sthatthen.Congratulationstoyouandyourson.Wehopetoseeyounextfall.”

aveyoueverheardthesaying“YourEducationisPriceless?”HereatLincolnTechnologicalInstituteofTechnology,thatpriceisnegotiable,startingatjust$28.99.Justreadwhatsomeofourreasonablysatisfiedalumnihavetosayaboutourprograms.

“BytakingadvantageofLincolnInstitute’stwo-for-onedeal,Istudiedtobecomeaninteriordesigner,andgotabonusPhDinneuro-surgery.Watchoutbrains,hereIcome!”

“Lincolnhelpedmakeallmydreamscometrue.Myhorrible,horrible,illiteratedreams.”

“IgotmydegreewhileIwassleeping.How?”

“Ithoughtthisplacewasjustarun-downoldfactory,butthenIfoundLincolnInstituteFounderJimBrodskysleepingunderatarpinthecellar,surroundedbybucketsofhisownwaste.HeofferedmeadegreeinFinanceifIagreednottoalertthepolice.”

“AtLincoln,Igotmydegreeandmyphotosdevelopedinanhour.”

“IfIcoulddescribeLincolninoneword,itwouldbe‘obsequious.’KeepinmindthatIhaven’tseenadictionaryorathesaurusinmyentirelife.IamtheHeadProfessorofEnglishhereatLincoln.”

“TheathleticsatLincolnaresub-par.”

EFM

GMS

THE HARVARD LAMPOON 14

Test-Maker 1: Lookeverybody,I’vemadeitsotherearefourBsinarow.Test-Maker 2:Canwedothat?CanweputfourBsinarow?Test-Maker 1: Wecandowhateverwewant.Look,I’llmakethenextanswerBaswell.Test-Maker 2: No.No,Idon’tthinkweshould.That’stoomanyBsinarow.Test-Maker 1:Ohreally?Watchthis. (makes the next three answers B)Test-Maker 2:Whyareyoudoingthis?Test-Maker 1: Becausewecan.(makes the next three answers all B)Test-Maker 2:You’repowerhungry!PowerhungryIsay!Test-Maker 1: I’llmakethewholetestBsifIwant.EveryanswerB.(The Master Test-Maker shoots Test-Maker 1 in the back of the head with a gun) Test-Maker 2: OhmyGod,whatdidyoudothatfor?Master Test-Maker: Hedidtoomanyofthesameletterinarow.Everytest-makerwantsto,butknowstheyshouldn’t.Test-Maker 2: Soyouhaveto--?Master Test Maker: Youhavetoputthemdown.

In 2005, facebook.com creator Mark Zuckerberg faced allegations from his former employers, Cameron, Tyler, and Divya of the social networking site Connect U, that he had stolen their ideas.

Cameron: Mark!Weneedyourdesignskillsforournewidea!Mark Zuckerberg: Okay,great.Tellmeaboutit.Cameron:It’sasocialutilitytooltonetworkatcollegesandplacesofbusiness.Maybehighschools,even!Tyler: Youcanhave“friends,”likeinreallife.Divya:AndyoucanFINDfriendsbyclickingonthesecommoninterests.Cameron:Butnopictures.Tyler: Yeah,nofaces.Divya: Thisisasiteaboutconnections.

MEB CRS

JGH

BURNOUT # 15

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

HARVARDUNIVERSITYHEALTHSERVICESUNIVERSITYHEALTHPLANWAIVERFORM2007-2008ACADEMICYEARPAGE1OF3

IunderstandthatbywaivingtheUniversityHealthPlan(UHP),IwillnotbecoveredmedicallybytheUniversityforthe2007-2008academicyear.

IunderstandthatoverthecourseoftheyearIwillbeatriskforseveraldeadlydiseases,andthat,statisticallyspeaking,35%ofstudentsbecomeillduringthecourseoftheyear.

IunderstandthatunlessIhavebeensicklately,Iwillprobablybeinthat35%.

IunderstandthatbecauseIwillhavewaivedtheUHP,theUniversityisnotrequiredbylawtohelpmeifIwanttoseeadoctor,orevenifIambleedingandknockingrepeatedlyontheemergencyroomdoor.

IunderstandthatbywaivingtheUHP,IamaffirmingthatIhavemyownhealthinsuranceprovider,regardlessofhowmedicallyknowledgeabletheyareoriftheyhavethesecretcancerpo-tionthatthedoctorsatHarvardinventedyesterday.

Iunderstandthatbysigningbelow,IamaffirmingmyawarenessofthestoryofBenPor-bet,the18-yearoldboywhoDIDwaivetheUHP,justlikeI’mdoingrightnow,andthencontractedtuberculosisinDecember.BecausehewaivedtheUHP,theUniversitydoctorscouldn’thelphim,asmuchastheywantedto,and,moresignificantly,asmuchashewantedthemto.BecausehewaivedtheUHP,notonlycouldHarvardnothospitalizehim,itcouldn’tquarantinehim,whichresultedintheinfectionof1300otherstudents.Fortunately,thosestudentsWEREcoveredbytheUHP,sothey’redoingjustfinerightnow,maybeevenbetterthanbefore.AsforBen,let’sjusthopehedoesn’tmakethesamemistakeagain,ifthereisanagain,ifthereissuchathingasreincarnation,noneofwhichwouldmatterifhehadjustusedtheUHP.

Signature________________________________________Date_____________________

MKG

THE HARVARD LAMPOON BURNOUT # 16

BURNOUT #

The Comedy

Man 1: Sir,whattypeof

hatisityou

arewearing?

Man 2: Sir,Iamnotwear

ingahat.

Man 1:Ifyouarenotwe

aringahat,

thenwhatisityou

arewearingon

yourhead?

Man 2: IfIamwearing

ahat,then

howcomemyhea

discold?

Man 1:Whetheryourheadi

scoldor

notisbesidethep

oint.

Man 2:Idon’tthinkitis

besidethe

point,Sir.Ithink

itisverymuchth

e

point.Man 1:Idonot

carewhattempera

-

tureyourheadis.

Iamaskingwhat

it

isyouarewearin

gonyourheadif

it

isnotahat.

Man 2: Iamwearingap

arrotonmy

head.Man 1: Iknow

whataparrotlook

s

likeandyou,Sir,

arenotwearinga

parrotonyourhea

d.

Man 2:Iamwearingah

atonmy

head.Man 1:Ahha!

Soyouadmititis

a

hat.Man 2:Iadmit

nothingofthesort

.

Why it’s Funny

Thetwocharacter

sheredisagree.

Disagreementsar

efunny.

Themoretheydi

sagree,thefunnier

it

gets.Ihopethisne

verstops.

Aparrot?!What?!

Buthejustadmitt

edit!

JGH

Wit and Humor – English 185

Analysis of British Humor

BURNOUT # 17

It’sthebiggestnightofmylife.Thehighschooltalentshow.Afterfailingsenioryearmultipletimestogetmorechancesofwinningthisthing,Ithinkthisisfinallytheyear.TheyearIwinglory.Gloryanda$10giftcertificatetoChili’s.I’mgoingtobuyanAwesomeBlossomandeatitallbymyselfbecause,goddamnit,Ideserveit.Aschairmanofthetalentshowcommittee,Iwastheonewhoboughtthegiftcer-tificateanyway,soitwouldsavethetimeoffillingoutthereimbursementform.

Itakethestage.Myoriginalcompositionbeginstoplay.IstartrotatingmyribbonwandsabovemyheadandI’mready.Mypelvisbeginsthrustingwildly,likethepelvisofamanwhodoesn’trespectsocialnorms.Myleotardsparkleswiththefireofathousandsuns.Myfatherlooksonfromtheaudiencewithascowlthatseemstosay,“Irespectyourchoices.”

I’vecompleted32pirouettes.Anewrecord!Wait,no,itcouldn’tbe—33 fuckingpirouettes!Nowachasséandthreepliés.Thenone,slightlyanti- climacticpirouette.Thecrowdisgoingfuckinginsane.Manygirlsare throwingtheirbrasonstage.Theprepubescentgirlsarethrowing bra-equivalentsonthestage.Mainlyscrunchies.Asingletear rollsdownthecheekofJakeUnderhill,thecaptainofthe footballteam.“WhatamIdoingwithmylife?”he asks,“Maybeallalong…Iwasthelameone.”

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

Winningseemswithinmygrasp.Theverdictemanatesfromtheloudspeakers,“Andourchampionis…KellyClarkson!”I’mdisap-pointed,butIunderstand.Igotoshakeherhandbutshehasalreadytakenthemicro-phone.“Icannotacceptthisaward,”shesays.“Icannotacceptitknowingthatonemantrulyoutshonemetonightinhisgrace,eleganceandhisfierydancingstyle.”Myearsperkup.“MichaelFlatley,comeouthere!Youtrulyarethelordofthedance.”TearsrolldownmyfaceasIwatchhimjighiswayin.Helookssobeautifulinthattiara.So,sobeauti-ful.Thatcouldhavebeenme.

CRS

18

Sales pitches from Talent America, an agency that represents child actors:

“Yoursonhaspotential.Hejustneedstoharnessit.That’swherewecomein.”

“Iknowyouwantwhat’sbestforhim—andwhatcouldbebetterthanpursuinghispassion?Sonomoreschool.Andwe’llneedtoapplyapermanentlayerofshinetohisskin.Forauditions.”

“Yoursonisabouttogrowfacialhair,andthat’saproblem.Butmaybeforyou,it’sagoodthing.Likeifyouwantyoursontobeabooth-monkey.Pardonme,that’stheindustrytermforvoiceactor.”

“We’lldoitwithacombinationofscrew-basedbonetherapyandmedicine.Smalleningmedicine.”

“Youknow,thingsdon’talwaysgoasplanned.Whatyouneednowisacage.Andwe’vegotcages.Bigones,smallones,coldones,oneswithaspike.Thisoneyoucansurroundwithconcreteandburyunderyourgarage.Whowouldfindthat?”

JBO

Studies have shown that people tend to eat more when they are alone. It’s unfortunate that my parents strategically used this knowledge when my sister had anorexia.

Sister: Mom?Dad?IthinkIwanttotalktoyouaboutsomething.Dad: Notnow!It’sdinnertime!Gotoyourroomandeatalone.Sister: IthinkImayhaveaseriousproblem.Dad: Youneedtobealone.Nowandfortheforeseeablefuture.

NHS

BURNOUT # 19

According to 911, a bunch of fake calls from little kids inconvenience them and prevent dispatchers from dealing with real calls every year. 911, however, also inconveniences many little kids. Call from (315) 794-1065, Tara, age 6 Tara: Fire!Firefire!Dispatcher: Awwwww.Aren’tyoucute?Tara:911!Dispatcher: (laughs) No,I’mnot911.MynameisTina.CanyousayTi-na?Tara:Fire!Dispatcher:Isthisoneofthosefakecalls?Becausetherecouldbesomethingrealhappeningoutthere,likeacat.Aninjuredcat.Tara:Smoke!Dispatcher: Ohyeah?Whatareyourmommyanddaddygoingtodowhentheyhearyoucalled911?(Aside to other dispatcher)Getoverhereandlistentothisone.Adorable. MEB


1.Walk,don’trun,tothenearestexit.Alternatively:run,don’twalk,tothefurthestexit.2.Trytorefrainfromyelling“fire,”whichwillonlyaddtothegeneralconfusion.Instead,yell“Thereisafireinthisbuildingrightnow.”3.Keepyourprioritiesinorder:lovedonesfirst,thenbelongings,thenlikedones.4.Staylowtotheground.You’llavoidsmoke,whichrises,andyou’llgettoseetheworldfromtheperspectiveofalargeant.Sortofafreakant.5.Intheeventthatyourclothesignite,staycalm.Youdon’tyourneedclothesanyway:you’reinafire!6.Remember,afireextinguisherisnotatoy.Thenagain,youmightnothavemuchtimeleft.Gocrazy.7.There’snoneedtotipthefiremanwhosavesyou.Infact,justsohewon’tfeeluncomfortableaboutit,askhimforatip.Ifhedoesn’tgiveyouone,tellhimyoudon’tbelieveinheroes.8.Whenit’salloverandthesmokehascleared,youshouldn’tmakelightoftheincidentunlessanyofthefollowingistrue:a)noonedied,b)somepeoplediedbuttheywereevil,orc)somepeopleweredisfiguredbuttheyfallinamoralgreyarea.

NHS

On December 1, 1958, the Our Lady of the Angels School in Chicago caught on fire, killing eighth-grader Matthew McCabe, who was also the school’s best note-taker. Recently, his class notes were recovered:

12/1/58USHistory111NotesTheLouisianaPurchasewasfinalizedin1803PresidentThomasJeffersonboughtitforthesmallpriceof$15milliondollarsTheresultwastheopeningoftheMississippiRiverThisimprovedqualityoflifeintheMidwestTradeTransportationThere’sthefirealarmEverybodyoutofthebuilding,I’msureit’sjustadrillOhmyGod—it’snotadrill!Hurrychildren,it’sgettingcloser!Iguessthat’severyone

MKG

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Hereareafewexcerptsfromafootballrecruiter’sletterofrecommendationtotheadmissionscommitteeofacollege:

“JosephLipnitzisthefastestquarterbackI’veeverseen.ItriedtogoaskhimafewquestionsafterpracticebuthewasgonebythetimeImadeitacrossthefield.Unfortunately,Ididn’tanticipatethathewouldrunofflikethatatthelastmoment.JustwhenhesawthatIwascomingandholdingoutmyarmsforahug.”

“BigJoesaidhe’sneverheardofFinkleton’sCommunityTechnicalInstitute.‘Look,’Isaid,‘Icangetyouascholar-ship.’‘Whatisthat,’hesaid,pointingtomyhand,‘ahandfulofsingles?’Butitwasn’t.Ihadsomefivesinthere,andashitloadofpennies.”

“JosephLipnitz.Star.Thisguycanreallythrowafootball.Forexample,intothestandswhereI’mstandingwithmybinoculars,oratmycarwhenI’mdrivingslowlyalongsidehim,takingnotes.WhereverJosephLipnitzgoes,hetakeshisduffelbagsfulloffootballswithhim.”

“Here’sanotherthing:BabyJoeLipcantakeashowerinlessthanfiveminutes.‘Nicethrowsoutthere.Everthinkaboutgoingpro?’Iasked,givinghimatowel.Hestumbledback.‘Youwerewaitinginmylockerthiswholetime?’Myeyesgotwatery.‘Don’tyousee?’Isaid,‘You’rein,BabyJoeLip!’”

“IwalkedJosephLipnitzacrosstheparkinglottohis’87Civic.‘You’regoingtobethenewfaceoffootball,’Isaid.Heshookhisheadandsmiled,dismissingmebashfullywithawaveofhishand.Ashedroveoff,Icouldn’thelpbutthinkthatmylifewouldneverbethesame.Thenithitme:thecheckthatIwrotehimforabilliondollarswouldprobablybounce.” EFM

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

Football Recruiter

22

BURNOUT #

JGH

23

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THE HARVARD LAMPOON

“Afewdaysago,afellowcametomewithaprob-lem.‘Mymarriageisontherocks,”hesaid.“Myjobisgoingnowhere.AndsoonI’mgoingtobein-cineratedinacometjustlikeeveryoneelse.’Butisthatareasontolosehope?Certainly,thesearetryingtimes.Onecannotturnonthetelevisionwith-outseeingacountdownclockoneverychannel,orturnontheradiowithouthearingitreadoutsecondbysecond.Onecannotgotothesupermarketwith-out looting and setting thingsonfire. One cannotgototheForbiddenZonewithoutmurderingpeoplewithachain.Onecannotgotothebank,thetheater,thelibrary,thepark,asalloftheseplacesarefilledwith“goodbye”orgies.

In summary, the most important thing to do rightnowistostayChristian.”

JBO

“Ladiesandgentlemen,thankyouforflyingUnitedAirlines.Iwouldliketotakethisopportunitytoinformyouthatbothourleftandrightwingsareonfire.Webelieveintheairplanebusinessthisisknownas“burnout,”butwe’renotentirelysure.MostoftheUnitedAirlinesstaffisonawork-releaseprogramfromfederalprison.

Pleasefeelfreetoignoretheimminentdangerandenjoyourin-flightmovie:UndertheTuscanSun.Iknow,Iknow,theplaneisonfireandeverything,butthatDianeLane–Icouldwatchherinjustaboutany-thing,youknowwhatImean?Idon’tknowifourplaneisgoingtobecrashingfortheentire113minutes.

Aswedescendtothegroundinafierywreck,pleasefeelfreetoscreamandflailyourarmsabout.Youpaidfullpriceforyourseatandthisisyourright.Ifyouareabusinessclasspassenger,enjoyacomplimenta-ryhottowelasyouscreamandflail.Butbeforeyoudoso,pleasethinkofthechildren.Covertheireyesandearswithouremergencyblind-fold-earplugsetanddirectthemtowardsthelollipopthathasfallenoutofthecompartmentinfrontofthem.

Ifyou look to the rightof theplane,youwill see the lovely skylineof—Wow.Theregoestherightwing.Atleastwestillhave—JeezyChreezy,theregoestheleft.Iguessthisisjustoneofthosedays.Thosedayswhenyouknowyouaredefinitelygoingtodie.Theywon’tevenbeabletohaveopencasketsatourwakes.Atthismoment,Ifeellikewe’reallfamily.Eventhatwomanwiththebirthmark-facein13E.

Ibetifwealljumpatthesecondbeforetheplanehitstheground,we’dmakeitoutofhereokay.”

CRS

26

“Helloandwelcomeaboardflight382.I’myourpilot,Marvin,andtoday’smyfirstflight.Bynowyourbagsshouldbeunderyourchairandyourseatbeltsshouldbetiedinthestrongestknotyouknow. Ifyouhaveaproblem,mention it toourflightat-tendant.That’salsome.I’llbewalkingupanddowntheplaneeverysooftenwhenIgetbored.

Totakeyourmindoffthingsduringtakeoff,Ihaveasolution:relaxandthinkhowmuchworseitmustbetobeapilot,sittingupherenexttoallthesebuttons,halfofwhichareinnumbers.Whileyougettositbackenjoyingacomplimentarybeverage,imagineyou’reme,upinthecockpit,tryingtofigureoutwhichleversmakethewingsflap.

I’vegotstickynotesalloverthecabintoremindmewhattodo,andasyou’venoticedI’vedrawnpicturesonthefirst-classseatsincaseIpanicandforgethowtoread.Let’slookatafew...wearmypilothat...oh,Iforgottopullthewheelsup,didn’tI?Well,Icanprobablylandthisthingwithoutwheels.Likeatwentytonbird.

Something toponderon the rideover:whatare theodds thattwoplaneshiteachotherinthesky?Ibetithappensmorethanyou’d think,because there’snoone tocomedownand say ithappened.But likeasilent treecrashinginaburning, twistedmetalforest,ifnoone’stheretohearit,doesitcount?”

MEB

BURNOUT #

“Thisisyourpilotspeaking.Isupposenowmightbeanappropriatetimetomentionthat,givenrecentprofitloss-es,weatCentralAirlinesarerecoupingcostsbyservingdouble-duty as both commercial airline and sky-writingairline.Idon’tknowifyouknewthatwhenyouboughtyourticket.I’mgoingtogoaheadandassumeyouknew.Thatwouldbeaprettybigthingnottoknow.Forthoseunfamiliarwith sky-writing, it’swhen amanpays a pi-lot toperformnear-impossibleairplanestunts—loop-de-loopsandsuicidedropsandthe like—sothatwordscanbewrittenintheskythatthemancouldhavejustsaidorwrittendownonpaper.I’msorryifIsoundbitter.It’sjust,IalwayswonderwhetherdottingthelowercaseI’sandJ’shasbeenworththelivesandplanes.Thatsaid,we’renear-ingButterflyBluff, Iowa tohelpout . . . let’scheck thenames...okaywe’vegotaJoe,that’sgreat,verysimple,onlyonelevel-ninesuicidedrop,andJoewillbepropos-ing to . . . ohno,Hijii! Ohboy, reallybad. Everyonepleasefastenyourseatbelts.Youmaysoonfeellikewe’recrashing,particularlywhen theplanefliesstraightdownthroughitsownsmoke,butjustthinkhowgoodthisplussignisgoingtolook.”

RIP

Famous Last Words

It’struethatweliveinapost-9/11,post-VirginiaTechworld.Andthingswillneverbethesame.Butdoubtless-lythereissomehorribletragedyyetinourfuture,andweshouldsavorthefactthatwestillliveinapre-thattragedyworld. NHS

27

hen you’re a cover girl, life isn’t as easy, breezy, orbeautifulasyou’dthink.Sureyougettoflyonprivatejetsanddatecelebrities,butyoualsohavetodealwithpeopleconstantly telling you howbeautiful you are. Someofthesepeopleareugly. Andyouhave to treat them likethey’renotugly.

Cover girls stay thin by a strict regimen of pilates, thestrategic removal of the heaviest organs, and a newworkoutcalledHyperDrive. This ispilatesonafighter

jet. However, it’s important for amodel to stay properly nourished. If I everfeelfaintonaphotoshoot,IcanalwaystakeapufffrommyVogueTron-5000,aninhalerfilledwithcarbs.

Asasupermodel,Igethitonbyhundredsofguyseveryday.It’ssoexhaustingthatsometimesIwishIwasn’tsopretty.LikemyfriendNicole.I’malwaystellingherhowjealousIamofherplainness.Ithinkitboostsherself-esteemtoknowthatasupermodelisjealousofher.IliketotellherthatonedayI’mgoingtocutmyhairandcutmyfaceandthetwoofuscanpretendwe’resisters,uglystepsisters.Nicoleworksatajobwhereshehelpspeople.

Oneofthebiggestdifficultiesofbeingasupermodelisbeingintheconstantglareofthepubliceye.Ifyoulose5pounds,theycallyouanorexic.Gain120andtheylabelyou“corpulent-chic.”Losethatweightandsuddenlyyou’re“themodelwithalotoflooseskin.”Whatdoyouwantfromus,America?

CRS


FearsJohn: YouknowwhatI’mreallyafraidof?Chris:What?John: Gettingkickedintheballs.Will:Yeah,metoo.Chris:YouknowwhatI’mafraidof?Commitment,man.Howdojuststaywithonewoman,wakingupeverydaynexttothesamewoman,everydayofyourlife?Youneversleepwithanyoneelse.Will:Ifyoureallyloveher,Idon’tthinkyou’llmind.Chris:Yeah,butwhatifshegoestoworkoneday–andsheworksinlike,atirefactory,man.She’sworkingovertimeatatirefactory,andshe’ssotiredshefallsasleep.Inspectingthemachineswastooexpensive,theysaid.Tooexpensiveformywife.John:Shegetsburned,bad.Realbad.Will:Yeah,herearsaregone.Chris:Andyoucan’tdivorceher,evenifyouwantedtobefore.Oryou looklikethemonster.Will:Scary,man.John:Scary.[silence]John:SometimesI’mafraidoneofmyballsisjustgoingto–poof!-pop.

CRS MEB JBO

If I had to guess, this is what goes on at girls’ slumber parties...Girl 1: Iseveryonereadytotalkaboutthefashions?Girl 2: FirstIneedtousethisdevicetostylemyhair.Girl 3: Ilovehairdevices.Girl 1: Itoolovesimplemachines.Girl 2: Soandsoisthecutest.Girl 1:Wanttocompareperiods?Girl 3:Actionandadventuredisinterestme.Girl 2: Iprefertalkingabouthorses.Girl 3: Ourbodiesaredevelopingfasterthanthoseofourmalepeers.Girl 2:Rats,IthinkImightbepregnant.Girl 3:Metoo.Girl 1: Methree!Girl 2: Justkidding.Ican’tgetpregnant.I’msterile.Girl 1:Weallare.

WBB

America’s Next Top ModelTyra Banks: Twobeautiful,beautifulgirlsstandinfrontofme.ButIonlyhaveonepictureinmyhands.AndthatpicturerepresentsthegirlwhowillcontinueintherunningtobecomeAmerica’sNextTopModel.

WehaveEmily,thegirlwhodoesn’ttakegoodpicturesandisawkwardinperson,buthassomuchheartandsomuchautism.Somuch.Andthenthere’sAshley,thegirlwithnear-professionalmodelingskillsbutlittle-to-noautism.[pulls out picture of girl]Emily,youarestillintherunningtowardsbecomingAmerica’sNextTopModel.

Ashley: [uncontrollably crying]

Emily: [continues to stack blocks in corner]

CRS

When I finally quit my personal trainer, it gave me time to reach my ideal body goals.

Me: Wellhello,Mr.Fit.Fancyseeingyouintheeatingstore.Trainer: Daniel,ohmyGod--Daniel,isthatyou?Me:Iknow,thishaircutmakesmeunrecognizable.Trainer:It’snotthat,you’vejustgainedagreatdealofweight.whathaveyoubeendoing?Me:Alotofcardio,really.Likeawholelotofanklecircles.Somedynamiccalfstretches.Trainer:I’monlyaskingbecauseIdon’tthinkit’shealthytoputonthismuchweightinsuchashorttime.Me: Twohundredpoundsofsolidmuscle,see?Enoughtogiveamandiabe-tes.Trainer: Jesus,Ithoughtyouwereonameat-onlydiet.Me: Andthecarb-onlydiet.I’monboth.Trainer:Thosestretchmarks...they’repermanent,Daniel.Please,I’lleventrainyouforfree.I’lltrainyourightnow.Me:IknowwhyIdidn’tseeresultswithyou,Mr.Fit.Youdidn’ttellmeaboutsupplements.Trainer:Please,whateveryou’reon--Me:Horsevitamins.

MEB

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

Detective: Allright,Iknowyoudidn’tseeyourattacker’sface,butI’mgoingtoseeifyoucanpickhimoutofalineupbyrecog-nizinghisvoice.Man:I’lldomybest.Detective (to lineup):Okayguys,startingwithnumber1,every-onesaytheline“Getonthegroundandspreadyourlegs.”Number One:Getonthegroundandspreadyourlegs.Number Two:Getonthegroundandspreadyourlegs.Number Three: Getonthegroundandspreadyourlegs.Louis Armstrong: Geeeeeeee-Victim:Him.Itwasthatguy.Detective:Areyousure?Man: Yes.Louis Armstrong:Bippitybowwowwow!Man: He...hecan’tseeme,canhe?

HHD

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Shecameintomyoffice,lookinglikethe“after”pictureinaweightlosscommercial.“Ineedyourhelp,”shewhispered.InfourteenyearsofP.I.,Iain’tseennothinglikethis.Hairdowntoherwaist,andlegsuptoherwaist.Ididn’tknowhowIcouldhelpthisbroad.Notwithherlookingatmewithbotheyeslikethat.

“Youlooknervous,”shesaid,asmysweatdrippedintoapuddleonthefloor.“I’mfine,sugar,”Ianswered,mywater-solublesuitslowlydisintegrating.“Maybeyoucanhelpme.I’msellingsuits,”shecooed.Itwaslikeshewasanangel,andIwasanakedP.I.withaterriblerash.Astressrash.

“MyGod,”shepurred,“Youlooklikeyouneedahospital.”Imovedcloser.“Andyoulooklikeyouneedapersoninahospital.”Itwassohotintherethatmybodyseemedlikeitwasonfire,andwhateverwasn’tonfire,ititched.Itouchedthesuitshewassellingwithmysweatyhand,andthen,withthesweatyback-of-my-knee.Itdidn’tdisintegrate.Iwonderedwhatotherelementsthesuitcouldwithstand.Fire?Probably.Air?Maybe.Wind?Forthesecondtimeinmylife,Iclosedmyeyesandwishedforahurricaneliketheonethatkilledmyparents.

Ilovedher,herandhersuits,butitwastimetocallforbackup.There’sanoldP.I.rulethatsayswhenyougetthatfeelinginyourgut,thenextpersontowalkinisthemurderer,andalthoughshewasthethirdpersontowalkinmyoffice,thatjustremindedmethatImaketherules.Ilookedatmyhands,whichsuddenlyseemedfartoobigforallthebut-tonsonmycellphone.Assheleft,Iwantedtowavegoodbye.Butthenshe’dknowaboutthehandthing.

MEB

31

James BrownBefore his death, James Brown was known as “The Hardest Working Man In Show Business.” He was never busier than when he was recording his final album.

Producer: James,you’vebeeninthestudioallweek!Areyousureyou’renotworkingtoohard?James Brown:No,butthanksforasking.I’mactuallyalmostdonemixingthislasttrack,justhavetofillinthedrumsandthewoodwindparts.Producer:Wait,youplaydrums?Youplayalltheseinstruments?James Brown: No,butI’mworkingonacoupleofcomputerprogramsthatcanproducemusicalsoundeffectsandlaymultipletrackssimultaneously.Producer:That’samazing!Nowonderyou’reinthestudiosomuch!James Brown:Well,Idon’tworkonmusicallthetime.Thisstudiodoublesasafreeclinicandone-roomschoolhouseforat-riskyouth.Anyway,whatcanIdoforyou?Producer:Justwantedtotellyouthatareporterwasheretoseeyou.Reporter:HeyJames,we’dlovetohearaboutthenewalbum.How‘boutaninterview?James Brown:Ofcourse.Justsoyouknow,whenyouturnthecamerasonI’mgoingtoactlikeafuckingretardsoallofthenation’sdisabledwillhaveaherotheycanlookupto.Thatokay?Reporter:Surething,James.James Brown:Great.WaitasecondwhileIgivemyselfaretardedhaircutandputthesefakeherpessoresallovermyface.Howdoesthispurplerobelook?Doesitlookstupid?Mydickishangingout,right?Okay,good,I’mready.

HHD

Life LessonsWhenIwaslittle,Iwouldtakethewingsoffadragonflyandthengluethosewingsontoanotherdragonflysoinsteadofhavingfourwingsitwouldhaveeight.Itcouldn’tflyoranythingafterIdidthat.ButIkeptdoingituntil,afterseveralyears,thedragonfliesstoppedcomingtothelake.Eventhoughthisstillconfusesme,Icametolearnthatfewerwingsisbetter.

OrvilleWright,planeinventor

EFM

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

Albert Einstein famously said that if he had known his work would lead to the atomic bomb, he would have been a shoemaker instead.

32

Woman:Excuseme,sir?Einstein:Yes?Woman:Theseshoesyoumademeareterrible.Myfeetareinconstantpain.Einstein:Butaccordingtomycalculations—Woman:Yourcalculationsarewrong!Einstein:I’msorry.I...Ijustwasn’tcutoutforthiswork.Woman:Doyouevenknowthefirstthingaboutmakingshoes?Einstein:I’mtrying,madam.Itrytoconcentrateonshoemaking,butI’mconstantlydistractedbythoughtsaboutthefabricofthecosmos—Woman: What’syourname?Einstein:AlbertEinstein.Woman:Wellfromnowon,thename‘Einstein’willbesynonymouswithincompetence.Einstein:I’msureyou’reright.Woman:Doyouremembermynephew,whoyoumadeshoesfor?Hetrippedrunningfromamugger,andwashitbyapassingvehicle.Einstein:Becauseoftheshoes?Woman:Yes.Einstein:HowcanIlivewithmyselfnow.Woman:Also,thedriverofthevehiclewaswearingyourshoes.Einstein:IsthereanythingIcandotomakeituptoyou?Woman:Wellyoucanstartbygivingmearefund.Einstein:Certainly,madam,thoughI’msobrokeIdon’tknowwhatI’lldo.[sighs]WheredidIgowronginlife?[A man comes running in.]Man:They’vejustdiscoveredthenuclearbomb!Woman:Theinventorissuretomakemillions.Man:[to Einstein]Hey,aren’tyoutheoneresponsibleforallthefootcancer?

NHS

Albert Einstein famously said that if he had known his work would lead to the atomic bomb, he would have been a shoemaker instead.

BURNOUT # 33

www.scoopnyc.com

Be in the know. (...or just dress like it! )

The “Ultimate Closet” for Women, Men & Kids!

Get the !

At Sunny Valley Genetic Engineering, we like to give out this pamphlet to prospective parents of leap year babies, the most special babies of all.

Do these babies exist in real life?Yes,oneoutofeverymillionbabiesisbornonaleapday,eventhoughthereshouldtechnicallybealotmore.Thisleadsexpertstobelievethatmanyleapyearbabiesareinhiding.

Where do these babies come from?Whenamanandawomanloveeachotherverymuchbutoneofthemislying,aleapyearbabyisborn.

How old is my leap year baby, really?Someparentsliketocounteveryfouryears,whileothersliketocounteveryone.Thesmartestparentsmakesureleapyearbabiesdon’tknowtheyhavebirthdaysatall.

Are there any famous leap year babies?Sure.Hereareoneortwonotableleapyearbabies:ThomasEdison,mostpresidents,andeveryDalaiLama.

What is the average life expectancy of a leap year baby?Uptoathousandyears. MEB

efore he faced IBM’s Deep Blue in the world famous “Man vs. Machine” chess match, pro-fessional chess player and surly Russian Gary Kasparov prepared by practicing against some lesser adversaries:

Television:“Firsttrainingmatchwoninafairlyconvincingfashion.Beginningtorealizethatinanimatehomeapplianceslackstrategyandcompetitivedrive,aswellasthegeneralabilitytomovechesspieces.Feelingprettyinvincibleatthispoint.“

Toaster:“OpponentmakesacriticalmistakewhileattemptingaSiberianTriple-Reverse.Victoryputsmeonthetracktowardssuccess.”

Shoe:“Anotherloss.Notafluke.Shoewasveryintelligent.Reebok.”

Mirror:“Draw.”

GMS


e:HappyBirthday!Friend: Thanksman.Youremembered.Me: Ofcourse.Look,Igotyousomething.Friend:Oh.Youdidn’thaveto--whatisthis?Me: Openit.Friend:Itlookslikealabprintout.Me: Goaheadandopenit!Friend: What…isthis?Me: Lookfamiliar?Friend: No.Me:It’syourgeneticsequence!Friend:How…what…Me: Surprised?It’samappingsequenceofyourownDNA!Friend: Dave,howdidyoudothis?Me:Iprickedyouwhileyouweresleeping.Friend: JesusChrist.Me: Look,itevenhasalistofallthediseasesyou’repredisposedto.Friend: …Me: HappyBirthday,man!

WBB

BURNOUT #

How jury deliberations went before forensic science was invented:

Juror 1: So,whatdoeseveryonethink?Juror 2: Idon’tknow.Imean,theydidfindthosehairsinthevictim’sbedroom.Juror 3: Yeah,butwedon’tknowifthey’rehishairs.Juror 2:Butwhataboutthebloodtheyfoundonthegun?Andthebloodstainsonhisjacket.Juror 3:Iwonderifthebloodonthegunisthesameasthatonthejacket?Juror 1: Let’svote.Juror 2: Okay. MKG

37

MosesEveryone knows the story of how Moses spoke to the burning bush. But do

you know how it really went? I was there:-AAAAAHHHHHHELPMEHELPPLEASEGETSOMEWATER-What’sgoingon?Isthereapersoninthere?-NOPLEASEI’MONFIREFINDSOMEWATERAAAAAHHHH-Butthisisadesert...there’snowateraroundhere.-AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-Canyoufeelpain?-OHMYGODYESAAAAAHHHHHHHHH-Idon’tknowwhattodo...-WHYAREMYBRANCHESNOTTURNINGTOASH?SHOULDN’TTHEYBETURNINGTOASH?CANINOTDIE?-I’msorry...I’mreallysorryaboutthis.-OKAY,wait,wait...it’sstartingtosubsidealittlebit...Imightjustbegettingusedtoit,butitfeelslikethefireisdyingdownalittle.-Itdoesn’tlooklikeit’sdyingdown.Itlooksexactlythesame.-Itdoes?Mynervesareprobablydying.That’sprobablywhyitdoesn’thurtasmuch.DoesthatmeanIcandie?-Idon’tknow.-Ihopeitdoes.IreallyhopethatmeansIcandie.

HHD

38

GhostbustersGhostbuster 1:Icanseetheghostsacrosstheroom!Ghostbuster 2:Yeah,we’rereallygonnafuckupsomeghosts!GB1: I’mgonnasuckupaghostintothisvacuumcleanerthing!GB2: Yeah,let’sshowthoseghostswho’sboss!Head Ghostbuster: Okayteam,activateyourghost-busting—Grandma,isthatyou?Grandma: Don’tbustme,Billy.Don’tyourememberyourGrandma?Head Ghostbuster: IthoughtyouwerelivinginFlori-da.Grandma: Idiedinmysleeplastnight.Itwasthediabetes.Head Ghostbuster: [activating vacuum cleaner]I’msosorryGrandma.Grandma: Youwerealwaysmyfavoritegrandchild.

CRS

God: So…like…whatareyouinthemoodfor?Woman:HowaboutItake…thisoff.God: Yourlegsandarmpits--they’resohairy!Woman:Thisishowyoumademe.God: No,awoman’slegsshouldbesmooth.Woman: Butyouchosetohavehairgrowon-God: Goshave.It’sdisgusting. JGH

If God had a sexual relationship with a mortal woman:

BURNOUT # 39

Myfansparticularlylikethisvideo,andIoftenfindmyselfdiscussingitwiththem.We’llhavealongconversationaboutmanyaspects—whysomethingsworkwell,whyothersareverygreat.Intheend,theyoftensaythesamething:“Asamusicvideodirector,youmustberich.”Andthat’ssome-thingtothinkabout,especiallywhenyouwatchthis.

Igointoashootwithonegoal:capturingreality.Sometimesthatrealityisthewayasingercrawlsthroughtheroominherhousethatisfilledwithsteamandiswherehertigerlives.Inothercases,it’saboutshowingexactlywhatwouldgetanuptightbusinessmantofinallyrockout—abandde-stroyinghispossessions.Iwanttoshowtheworldasitis.Doyouseethatcar?That’swhatashinythinglookslike.

Yougetsomeprettycrazyrequests.Butintheend,allmusicianswantthesamething:avideowherethey“faceoff”againstthemselves.It’smytheorythateveryartisthastwopeopleinside—one,thetypewhowalksaroundaclubwithaninquisitivebutsortofmeanlook;theother,thetypewhodoesthatwithdifferentclothesandslightlydifferenthair.Itgoesbacktooneoflife’sbigquestions:whatwouldyoudoifyoumetapersonwholookedexactlylikeyou?Asyouseeattheendofthevideo,youwoulddragracethem.Dragracethemuntiltheircarspunoutofcontrolandexploded.

I’llfinishwithamessage.Tothekidsinterestedinmakingtheirownvideos,rememberthisrule:trytoimaginehowanangellookingdownfromHeavenwouldseethings,specifically,ifithadvisionthatcouldzoomwayfarinandfocusonsinglepeople.That’smoreorlesswhatwe’retryingtoshow.

JBO

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

Music Video Commentary

40

“Ifanunplannedminecollapseoccurswhenyouarenearadeposit,quietlycontinuetoworkuntilyouhaveobtaineditsore.Then,takealookatyoursurroundings.Aretherockssmallandloose,likeaburialmound?Oraretheylargeandsturdy,likeastonetomb?”

“Thisisquarrying.Gathertheoretogetherandshiftyourbodyintoitsmostprotectiveform—heavierpeopleflatontop,lighteronescurledtightlyaround.“

“Warmingyourshackwithcoal?Nexttime,buyitwithMineMoney,thenewsalaryoptionfromtheRandMiningCorporation.Itcanbeusedatthecoaldepot.MineMoney:whatyouarepaidwithhere.”

“Toourmuseumstaff:Rand’sAmericanMinesexhibitisabouttradition.Employeeswillbegivenonepickaxe,oneheadlamp,andonecanary.Ifthisisanexhibit,wherearethevisitorsorexits?Goodquestion.

“Ifyou’reinthedirector’sofficeaskingforaraise,shhh!There’sababysleeping.Ababywhowilldiewithoutonethousandpoundsofmedici-nalgoldperweek.AndI’msorry,whatdidyouwanttotalkabout?IwasjustthinkinghowmuchIwantmychildtolive.”

“Trappedhere?No.Thebeartrapsaresolelytokeepbearsout.”

JBO

BURNOUT #

ExcerptsfromtheRandMiningCorporationInformationPamphlet

41

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

FirewalkingPurging

ForeskinpossessionTeepeedetonationWarmongeringFreefalling

Caste-ascendingOctaroondetection

Clerking

HHD

Cashier: Tampons?Guy: They’reformygirlfriend.Cashier: Sure.Holdonasec.Ijustneedtochecktheprice.Guy: They’re$11.99.Ialreadychecked.Cashier:Hm.Theguyinchargeofpricecheckingisn’tresponding.Strange.That’sthefirsttimeinsevenyearssincehestartedworkingherethathehasn’tansweredmeforapricecheck.IguessI’llpagethemanager.Guy: Overtheloudspeaker?Cashier: Yeah.Ofcoursehewon’tknowwhatproductI’mtalkingaboutunlessImentionspecificallywhatitisthatIdon’tknowthepriceof.Thetampons.Guy: They’re$11.99.Just…can’tyouusethebarcode?Cashier: Thebarcodemachineisbroken.You’dthinkthemostadvancedbarcodesystemintheworldlikewehaveherewouldn’trandomlybreakdownlikeitdidtoday,youknow?Theonlywaytofindoutthepriceistoaskthemanagerovertheloudspeakerbecausehecouldliterallybeanywhereinthestore.Guy: Pleasedon’t.Cashier: Ormaybethisprettygirloverthereknows.I’msureshewouldknow.Doyouknowher?Shelooksaboutyourage.Guy: No.Cashier: AndhercheerleadingoutfitsaysJeffersonHighSchoolonit,justlikeitsaysonthegymuniformyou’retryingtocoverwithyourhands.Guy: Please,Ialreadycheckedtheprice.Idouble-checkedthepricejustincasethishappened.Cashier: Hey.Thatlookslikethefootballteamoverthere.They’lldefinitelyknow.Guy: They’re…they’repunchingakidjustbecauseheboughtpimplecream.Cashier: Wow,lookslikeyou’reright.Youreallyshouldhavethoughttwiceaboutbuyingthese,man.

EFM

Discontinued Merit Badges

. . . Tampons

42

Few know about the unique lodging ordinance in the State of Arkansas that deems any dwelling with six or more unrelated females living together a brothel, or how the day after is inception, Officer Mel Barnaby was the first government official to enforce this new law.

Officer: Hi,ladies.IwasjustwalkingbyyourhousehereandIsawyourcatrunoutsidewhilethedoorwasopen.Ibroughthimbackforyou.Megan: OhOfficerBarnaby!Wecan’tthankyouenough.Amy: ThatnaughtyNibbles,alwaystryingtosneakoutwhilewearen’tlooking.Lauren:Andtothink,IwasknittinghererightbythedoorandIdidn’tevenseehimrunoutside!Paige: Weoughttobemorecareful.Jenny: Officer,wouldyoulikeapieceoffreshapplepiethatIjustbaked?Officer: Oh,nothankyou.Ishouldbeonmyway.Youfivegirlshaveaniceday.Annie: [entering]Heyguys!Guesswhoboughtmatchingcardigansforeveryone?Officer: ….Oh.My.God.Thisisn’tahouse,thisisabrothel!Jenny: What?Whatareyoutalkingabout?Officer:Don’tyouplaydumbwithmeyoumoderatelysizedgroupofprostitutes!Iknowwhat’sgoingonhere.Annie: Howcanyouaccuseusofthat?Youknowme;Ibaby-sityourchildreneverySaturday.Officer:Sorry,Ican’tunderstandyourcrazywhore-talk.Youknow,Iusedtoknowthegirlswholivedinthishouse.Lauren:Butyouwerehereyesterdayandyoudidn’taccuseusofbeingprostitutesthen.Whatthehellisgoingon?Officer:Saveitforthejudge,lady.Waitonesecond,youwouldn’thappentobeinanywayrelatedtooneanotherwouldyou?Amy: No,why?Officer:Unit52todispatch,I’mgoingtoneedbackup.You’renotgoingtobelieveit…it’swhores.Sixofthem.

GMS

BURNOUT #

Brothel

43

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

“Any new models, my friend?”

Another day, another trip to the wallet store. My collec-tion was almost perfect. So why did I keep coming back?That’s when I saw it—a curious wallet unlike all the others.

“Sir, you…you don’t want that one,” stammered the shopkeeper.“That wallet is made from the skin of a man. That wallet is cursed!”

But I wasn’t listening anymore. I was shoving money into the shop-keeper’s hands, and also his mouth. The message was clear: “I’lllet my money do the listening. One human leather wallet, please.”

“Thatguymusthavebeencrazy,”IthoughtasIdrovehome.“Cursesaren’treal.Andiftheywere,wouldn’tIbetheonegivingthemnowthatIownthis?”SoIstartedbelievingincursesalittlebit.MostlywhenIlookedatthesidewiththelips.

WhenIwokethenextmorning,Ilaughed.Stillinonepiece.Soitwasstraighttothecountryclub.“Friends,”Ibegan,reachingintomypocket,“I’dliketoproposeatoasttothewalletI’mabouttoshowyou.”Andthat’swhenithappened:Irealizedmypocketwasempty.Itriedtosquishdown,soitlookedliketheguynexttomehadbeentalking,butitwastoolate.

“Remarkable,” said another diner. “And I thought the closest thing to an invis-iblewalletwasonemadeofdiamonds—oh, like this.” Thesoundofapplausefilledthe room. So the curse was real. There was no time—I rushed out to the car. Ihad to find the man who had sold me that loathsome object. And when I did…

Andthereitwas,justsittingontheseat. Ithadslippedoutofmypocket. Sothecursewasfake. But as I stared at it, I started to feel strange. And suddenly, I realized that the shop-keeperwas right tocall thiswallet cursed. Human leather is just too slippery. Losingwal-lets isabigenoughproblemalready,whyaddtothat?Andbecauseit’srare, it’salsoexpen-sive:almost thecostofa realhumanbeing. Finally, ithasadistinctiveandsickeningodor.

Therehadtobeabetterway.Iknewthat.ButhowcouldIthinkofitwiththeconstantstreamofdogscominguptome,sniffingfeverishlyatmypocket,desperateforasinglelick?Therewerealwaysafewfol-lowingme,evenwhenIwasn’tcarryingthewallet–thesmellhadsaturatedmythighs.Oneproblemhadbecometwo.Buttheygavemeanidea.Andthatisthestoryofhowleathercametobemadefromanimals.

JBO

CURSE OF THE CURIOUS WALLET

44

BURNOUT #

WAR

Osama bin Laden’s success at eluding U.S. troops is partly a result of the names of the most recent U.S. operations:

OperationCaveSearchOperationValleySearchOperationHoleintheGround,totheRightoftheBigCaveOperationJesus,HowaboutthatAbandonedWarehouse?Let’sCheckThatOperationLookintheBigCaveagain,8:30,Tonight MKG

I wonder what it would sound like if sports announcers announced war battles too:

“Onemanfromonesidecomesup,shootsan-otherguyfromtheotherside.Thatguydies.Theonewhoshothimkeepsgoing forwarduntil he’s shot by someone from the otherside.Thatguykillsanotherguybeforegettingkilled.Theguywhoshothimisimmediatelykilledbyalandmine.Thelandminealsokillssixotherpeople.Anotherguysomewhereelseusesaguntoshootsomeoneelse.Thatsamethinghappenstwomoretimes,veryquickly,andthen,allofsudden,aguyshootsaguy.Hedies, but not before shooting someone else.Thatpersondies.Atankpullsupandamanstepsout.Someoneshootshim.”

MKG

CRS

45

CreditsIssue Editor:MEBArt Editor: SMCCover: DNALayout: SMC,MEB,JAP,ERSSpot Art: RRR,JTLPhotoshop: CRS,JGH

Uncredited Art:LockerRoomSecrets:DNACollegeBoard:JAPStageDreamsSpread:JTL911:JAPAmerica’sNextTopModel:SMCPoliceLineupSpread:JAPDNAandChessmasterSpread:JAPMosesandGhostbustersSpread:SMCMiningPamphlet:JTL

MEB thanks:SMC,DNA,ERS,MLP’06,NCA’06,AIM’06,SMJ‘06-’07,REA,JAP,HHD,Mom,Dad,Maddie,John,Zandra,Lauren,Marta,Rina,Alice,Christina,Jack,Kirk,Charley,Christian,PaulTurner,andalltheotherburn-outssheknowsorthrowsthingswith.

MEB lovingly warns:CRS,MBH,MKG,JBO.

THE HARVARD LAMPOON

FewrecordingartistshavemasteredtheartofcreatingmusicwithoutknowinganotelikeYannihas.Thankstocomputertechnology,Yannihasbeenabletocreatesomeoftheseclassics.

Secret VowsSevenminutesofpure,unadulteratedstatic.Yanniexplainsthatthemelodycanonlybeheardbycertainbreedsofdogandthosewithaslightlylessevolvedinnerear.

Dare To DreamYannifinallydecidestosingasonghimself.Theresult:atwentyminute,mainlyunintelligiblesolowhich,attimes,directlyplagiarizespartsoftheGettysburgAddress.

RainbowYannisaysthateachofthenotesinthissongrepresentsacoloroftherainbow.Therearefournotesinthesong.Thegenius,Yanni,admitsheiscolorblindandpartiallydeaf.

Throwing Sand at CatsUsingsand,Yanniinducestwogroupsofcatstofight.Yannicatchesitallontapeandmakesmillionsbyaddingcymbal.

SunsetNeverhasonesongusedthe“Applause”settingonthekeyboardforsevenminutesstraighttosucheffect.

Rainy DayAtfirst, onehears the soft fall of rain.Then, a clap of thunder.A startled scream; a softerscream.ThatscreamisYanni.

In the GardenUsingamere laptop,Yannisomehowcreates thesoundof fourwomensingingharmony inLatin.Yannijustlaughs.“Ihavenoidea,”hesays.“IhavenoideawhereIam.”

MEB

Ma Lampy welcomes her seven newest future failures:

AlexanderAlfredTaubman‘09,JessicaLindsayFleischer‘10,ArtemishaStormGoldfeder‘10,NatalieClaireJacoby‘10,KateSweeney‘10,KevinPhelanBartley‘10-’11,andAlexanderMeirRohr‘11.

Visit us on the web at:

www.harvardlampooncom

46

THE PRINCETON REVIEW

OTHER LSAT COMPANIES

Total Hours

Instructional Hours

Number of Proctored LSATs

Maximum Class Size

Teacher Scoring percentile on the LSAT

Extra Help

108

84

6

30

99

Yes, with your personal LSAT Instructor

Between 51-96

Between 35-80

4

No Limit

98

Most have an Instructor Hotline,which isn’t with your personal LSAT Instructor

Guarantee

Tuition

Regardless of how much your score improves, we’ll work with you again for free. If your scores go down, we’ll give you your money back.

$1,250

Depends, some companies charge up to $625 to repeat a course, while some offer guarantees that match our guarantees.

Ranges from $1195 to $1299

THE COURSE

800-2Review - PrincetonReview.com

We’ve got more hours, more materials and the best instructors anywhere. It’s not a course. It’s trial by fire. Can you handle it?

LSAT is a registered trademark of The Law School Admissions Council (LSAC). The Princeton Review and The Princeton Review logo are trademarks of The Princeton Review, Inc., which is not affiliated with Princeton University.

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THE PRINCETON REVIEW

OTHER LSAT COMPANIES

Total Hours

Instructional Hours

Number of Proctored LSATs

Maximum Class Size

Teacher Scoring percentile on the LSAT

Extra Help

108

84

6

30

99

Yes, with your personal LSAT Instructor

Between 51-96

Between 35-80

4

No Limit

98

Most have an Instructor Hotline,which isn’t with your personal LSAT Instructor

Guarantee

Tuition

Regardless of how much your score improves, we’ll work with you again for free. If your scores go down, we’ll give you your money back.

$1,250

Depends, some companies charge up to $625 to repeat a course, while some offer guarantees that match our guarantees.

Ranges from $1195 to $1299

THE COURSE

800-2Review - PrincetonReview.com

We’ve got more hours, more materials and the best instructors anywhere. It’s not a course. It’s trial by fire. Can you handle it?

LSAT is a registered trademark of The Law School Admissions Council (LSAC). The Princeton Review and The Princeton Review logo are trademarks of The Princeton Review, Inc., which is not affiliated with Princeton University.

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