The Gentlemans Guide

The Gentleman’s GuideThe Guiding Principles of a Gentleman

Peter [email protected] • www.todays-gentleman.com

Peter Ryan • email: [email protected] • www.todays-gentleman.com 1

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]

http://www.todaysgentleman.com


Table of Contents

The Guiding Principles of a Gentleman! 2

Empathy 2

Compassion 2

Integrity and Values 3

Humility 3

Courage 3

Being a Gentleman Neighbour! 4

Social Gatherings and Networking! 5

Handshake 6

Eye Contact 6

Questioning 6

Introductions 6

Doing Business! 7

Phone and Electrical Communications ! 8

Email Etiquette 8

Phone Etiquette 9

Driving! 10

Formal Dining! 11

Conclusion! 12




The Guiding Principles of a Gentleman

It is almost a defini.on of a gentleman to say he is one who never inflicts pain.John Henry Cardinal Newman

Being a gentleman is fundamentally about your guiding principles in life, which then direct your behaviour in all situa=ons. The principles are like the lighthouse, the beacon, when all around is dark and uncertain, these are the key beliefs that will guide you.

It is a liBle too easy to read and abide by a list of behaviours relevant to certain situa=ons, but unless you have an understanding of why these behaviours are appropriate you will miss-‐step at some point. So, it is important to be familiar and comfortable with these guiding principles.

EmpathyThe key guiding principle which the laBer principles emanate from is empathy. Empathy can be categorized as the capacity to recognize and, to some extent, share feelings that are being experienced by another.

This concept is key to enabling a person to func=on posi=vely in any group. A gentleman has, and hones this skill as it enables him to respond appropriately in any situa=on.

In day-‐to-‐day life an empathe=c person is one who is able to approach issues from a number of different perspec=ves. They are a person who is able to ‘put themselves in someone else’s shoes’ to see what it looks and feels like for that person.

CompassionCompassion stems from the understanding of other’s feelings that is possible with empathy. Compassion is an extension of empathy, it is a state of mind, wan=ng others to be free from suffering or discomfort.

A gentleman is compassionate, or you may call him considerate or even courteous. He will be aware of others around him, and through empathy, will understand their needs and act to ensure these needs are met if within his power. This can be as simple as his enquiry as to someone’s comfort in a social situa=on, or could involve a direct and deliberate interven=on for the sake of someone’s welfare (see Courage).




Integrity and ValuesA gentleman is also a person who knows himself and what he stands for, he is a man of integrity and values. Once again, this stems from his empathe=c nature as he will conduct himself the way in which he would hope others would treat him.

A gentleman does not give his word lightly, does not go about to deliberately deceive, and conducts himself honourably in business and private life.

You can take a gentleman on face value, as what you see is what you get.

Humility Humility is the quality of being modest, even politely submissive, and never being arrogant, contemptuous, or rude. A gentleman sees harmony with others as being exponen=ally more important than winning a pointless argument.

A gentleman is constantly aware of the message within Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata:

..always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

He does not seek to brag and does not enter into ‘one-‐upmanship’ discussions. He also does not beliBle or disrespect another person as he realizes everyone has different skills and aBributes, and therefore reserves all judgment of this nature.

CourageAlthough a gentleman strives for harmony and good rela=ons with all, at =mes there will be the need to act directly and deliberately. Due to the values a gentleman has, and his capacity for empathy, he cannot stand idly by while a grave injus=ce is perpetuated.

A gentleman will stand up for his principles and as a result, for the good of those around him. In some circumstances he will do this to the detriment of his own situa=on in life, but he will not hesitate to put things on the line when they maBer.




Being a Gentleman Neighbour

I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?

Mother Teresa

Let’s start at home, and how much of your approach to society starts there. It is a sad indictment on modern society that neighbours may not know each other at all. We oWen read about the cases where an elderly person has passed away and they are discovered weeks aWer the event.

Neighbourly disagreements are legendary however, and it is a reality of life that it is impossible to be on good terms with all people in these circumstances. What is possible though is that we all have an awareness of the people whose lives surround us.

It does not take too much to be aware of those who live immediately next door or across the street. It doesn’t take too much to welcome a new resident to the street, this sets the tone and their expecta=ons for living there. Helping an elderly neighbour in with their rubbish bins, or offering to watch the house / pets when they go on holiday are small gestures that can mean quite a lot to that person or family.

When neighbourly acts are reciprocated it creates a healthy and happy community which also feels much safer for everyone living in it.




Social Gatherings and Networking

The successful networkers I know, the ones receiving tons of referrals and feeling truly happy about themselves, con.nually put the other person's needs ahead of their own.

Bob Burg

The skills which are important in social and network gatherings are quite similar yet many seem to have problems transferring these skills to the more formal seYng of networking in a business context.

Once again, we come back to empathy and compassion – you will be highly successful if you can set others at ease in these seYngs.

The overall approach in these seYngs should be one of being interested in others and being prepared to ac=vely listen to their stories. They will of course find out about you, but you will set them at ease by asking them about themselves first. The informa=on you get here can lead to all sorts of opportuni=es.




HandshakeA gentleman’s handshake says a lot about them and also how much they are engaged in the interac=on. It is some=mes the very first impression the person will get of you and a non-‐commiBal, ‘limp fish’ handshake is going to send the wrong message. It is saying that you don’t really want to be there and you really don’t value mee=ng this person.

So, a handshake should be firm (not hard) and convey a warmness and eagerness for having the opportunity to meet this person. It should not linger for more than a few seconds, and should be accompanied with eye contact, a smile and your full aBen=on. It should also be accompanied with either an introduc=on to yourself or a statement like “it’s a pleasure to meet you”.

A handshake should also be given when saying goodbye, preferably accompanied by a statement like, “it was great to have met you” or something similar.

Eye ContactMaintaining eye contact for the dura=on of the conversa=on is essen=al, unless diverted by others entering the conversa=on or situa=on. Also avoid leYng your eyes wonder off over the person’s right shoulder to watch something else going on (like a woman walk across the room).

Eye contact (especially during handshakes) conveys warmness and your genuine nature.

Ques:oning As men=oned earlier, the more you show an interest in their stories the more at ease they will feel and the quicker rapport will be built between you. Follow a line of ques=oning, digging deeper into the story, it will actually tell you a lot about the person.

Also ask for their opinion. It is quite off-‐puYng when someone introduces a subject and immediately expresses their strong opinion on the maBer. Start by asking what this person thinks of a par=cular topic before discussing further.

Introduc:onsIt is much more polite to introduce those with you, than leYng them introduce themselves. This is par=cularly important when that person is in a new environment, perhaps surrounded by a group who already know each other. It is also polite to introduce the person you have been speaking to first.




Doing Business

A reputa.on for a thousand years may depend upon the conduct of a single momentErnest Bramah

As with your personal life, so with business, your conduct is an extension and expression of your character. Conduct business with integrity and in line with your values – if you find yourself working for a business which doesn’t allow you to do this, be courageous, leave. It is soul destroying to have to conduct yourself in a manner incongruent with your natural style.

Business, no maBer what sort of work you are in, is about quality rela=onships. Successful people form these and keep them throughout their career.




Phone and Electrical Communications

He was so honest you could play craps with him over the phone. Earl Wilson

All forms of communica=on should portray you in exactly the same way, email and

phone messages should not be seen as a =me to go too informal. It is important to remember that these forms of communica=on may very well be giving the recipient

their first impression of you.

Email E:que<eWrite in English and use punctua=on, I can’t put it much plainer than that. Text or twiBer shorthand should not appear in an email in a business context.

Before email there used to be leBers… which had a broad range of standards around how they were to be structured. With email, thankfully, there is much more freedom, but we s=ll need to present an appropriate image.

Coloured text (especially red) should not be used, neither should there be PHRASES IN CAPITALS. These are not appropriate ways to get the message across. If there is the need to emphasise such urgent issues perhaps it is =me for a phone call to resolve the maBer.

Emails should be started with a gree=ng, if they are not, or just begin with the person’s name it can come across as quite abrupt. There should also be a sign off. This is what you would do if you were speaking to them face to face or on the phone and email should be no different.

Don’t use emails if they are going to slow the process down. Too many =mes email message trails extend back for weeks. If a phone call would stand a beBer chance of quickly resolving the issue or answering the ques=on, pick up the phone.




Phone E:que<eLet’s start with phone messages, once again they should start with a gree=ng and it is also good form to thank the person for their call. Although it may seem redundant to say “please leave a message” it s=ll lets the caller know that you would like to hear what they called about.

Speaker phone should only be used if it is necessary in the situa=on, and only aWer you have asked the other person’s permission. Speaker phone can be harder for the other person to hear and can give the impression that their call isn’t valued and that you are just chaYng while doing more important things. Obviously driving is one of those more important things, but if you are on the phone to someone in this situa=on it is polite to let them know who else can hear the call.

Mobile phones are ubiquitous, but this doesn’t mean they should be used everywhere. People around you do not generally want to know about your private conversa=ons.

I think we can all understand about not using the phone in the cinema, library or classroom seYng but there are many other places where it is inappropriate. A gentleman will consider the comfort of others and not take phone calls in enclosed areas, in mee=ngs and definitely never at the dinner table. In fact if the phone vibrates in a mee=ng (because it should be on silent) you should not check to see who it is. Only if the phone rings repeatedly would you excuse yourself to see if the call is an urgent one.

A gentleman will also not check their messages whilst talking with someone.




Driving

Pa.ence is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead. Mac McCleary

Another quote I like is the one that is used by parents the world over, “we’ll get there when we get there”. If only everyone was able to adopt this aYtude and not treat the daily commute as a survival of the fiBest (or most aggressive). Allowing space for someone to change lanes is helping them in the smallest way and not hindering your progress in any tangible way.

The gentleman will drive just as he nego=ates a crowded room, with considera=on for those around him. Although he is aware of the rules of the road he does not use these as an excuse to drive in an inconsiderate manner.

The gentleman understands that the aim is for everyone to get to their des=na=ons safely, not for an individual to get there the quickest.




Formal Dining

More business decisions occur over lunch and dinner than at any other .me, yet no MBA courses are given on the subject.

Peter Drucker

Formal dining situa=ons can be the hardest situa=on to perform well in. Unlike a networking func=on where you may be mixing with numerous people you will generally be siYng at a table of 8 to 10 people. When at a table you should introduce yourself to everyone at the table, and if you are seated when they arrive you should stand to shake their hand. You may be seated with a mixture of colleagues, friends and strangers – strangers should get most of your aBen=on.

The gentleman concentrates on not only maintaining the conversa=on but also ensuring that all are involved. He will skillfully bring the quieter people back into the conversa=on by seeking their input at appropriate =mes.

There could be pages wriBen about dining e=queBe, but I summarise the main points for you below.

If the arrangements are that guests fill up their own glasses a gentleman will always offer to fill others before he fills his own. If orders are being taken the gentleman waits un=l all the ladies at the table have ordered. When food arrives you should not start to eat un=l everyone has their meal. Conversa=on should only be had when no food is in your mouth and the gentleman is cau=ous not to ask someone a ques=on when their mouth is full.

When finished place the utensils on the plate perpendicular from you.




Conclusion

Much has been wriBen about protocol and e=queBe in a range of situa=ons throughout history. My intent was not to give you everything here, but to give you my interpreta=on of what some key aspects of modern gentlemanly conduct should look like.

I go back to the guiding principles whenever I am in doubt and I encourage you to do the same.

A society in which everyone is trea=ng each other with empathy and respect would be a wonderful, peaceful and safe environment to live in. Perhaps this is unaBainable, but I hope that by applying these principles you can have a very posi=ve influence on your corner of the universe.

Go with empathy Today’s Gentleman.




The Gentlemans Guide

Documents

guiding principles

valuesa gentleman

gentleman neighbour

laber principles

c person

extension of empathy

email etiquette

peter ryan email