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The following article appeared in the January-February 2015
issue of KidzMatter Magazine, a publication designed to support and
strengthen children's church ministry.
The author, Linda Ranson Jacobs, is the creator of DivorceCare
for Kids (DC4K). Linda is a published author, widely respected
public speaker, and consultant on non-traditional family types.
DC4K groups are an ideal way for your church to help children
heal from the pain of divorce and family breakdown. DC4K groups
blend games, music, stories, videos and discussion to help kids
process the divorce and move forward. Groups meet weekly and are
designed for children ages 5-12.
Starting a DC4K group at your church is easy and fast. To learn
how, visit http://www.dc4k.org/startagroup.
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G R I P
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Divorce-Informed ChurchesBY L I N DA RA N SO N JACO BS
G R I P
Let me clarify the above statement by saying: to society,
divorce is no longer a big deal. It is pretty much accepted in
every realm of society and unfortunately by many in the church.
However, to children, divorce is a huge issue.
To a child, the divorce of their parents can be likened to a
tsunami that strikes their lives and leaves destruction and havoc
in its wake. Nothing is ever the same again. The break-up of their
family unit changes the landscape of their childhood.
Recently, there has been a lot of talk and research about
adverse childhood experiences or ACEs. The website, ACEs Too High
(acestoohigh.com) is devoted to this concept. The ACE Study
findings suggest that certain experiences are major risk factors
for the leading causes of illness and death, as well as poor
quality of life in the United States. It is critical to understand
how some of the worst health and social problems in our nation can
arise as a consequence of adverse childhood experiences.
Divorce is one of the major traumas identified by the ACE Study
and accepted by the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention)
in their research of adverse experiences in childhood. While the
divorce rate is actually going down, the co-habitation rate is
going up. When a childs parents separate or one of the partners
leaves, to the child it is the same as a divorce. It is the death
of what the child has known as the family.
Divorce in our world today is no longer a big issue! Does that
shock you that this article about children and divorce would start
off by saying divorce is not a big deal any longer?
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GR
IPG R I P
While the ACE Study findings only mention health and social
problems, I believe the church is also being greatly affected by
divorce. The most damage is to the children. Because the majority
of divorcing couples leave the church once the divorce is granted,
children are no longer
Being taken to church Being exposed to biblical teachings
Experiencing exposure to church family Having an opportunity to
observe the faith
walk of older Christians Finding the love of God or having
an
opportunity to accept Christ as their personal Savior.
If the parents still attend church, rarely is it the same
church. Many times children will not only travel back and forth
between two homes but also between two churches. Sometimes these
are two different denominations. Children struggle with issues such
as:
Do I stand or kneel to pray at this church? Do I raise my hands
when we sing or do I stand
still when Im at this church? Am I supposed to cross myself or
not? What do they call that man up front again? Is it
pastor, mister, priest or what? What does Daddys church believe
again? Oh no! I forgot Im not supposed to wear
shorts at this church. Hope none of my friends see me today.
Divorce affects personal relationships. 1. Relationships with
each parent are
affected because the parents are no longer one unit caring for
and concerned about the child.
2. The divorce can negatively impact relationships with
grandparents and other extended family members.
3. Children lose friends at school and neighbors, because single
parents many times are forced to relocate.
Divorce affects schoolwork.1. Many children will have to repeat
a
grade.2. Some will drop out of school as teens
because they are so far behind their peers in their learning
ability.
Divorce affects their health. 1. Many will become ill simply
because of
the chaotic lives they are forced to lead.2. Some become ill
because of high levels
of stress, which compromises their immune systems.
Divorce also affects a childs religious beliefs and moral
lives.1. Children of divorce are more likely to
pull away from the church as young teens. Most will try to
attend church until around age 14 and then they fall away.
2. Many teens and now even tweens turn to various substances to
lessen the pain of divorce. We are now finding out that even
elementary-age children are experimenting with drugs and
alcohol.
3. Many more teens of divorce and family crisis are succeeding
in suicidal attempts than teens in the general population. In some
of our DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids) groups, even children as young
as second grade have been found to be contemplating suicide. Some
national research shows 10-year-old children are committing
suicide.
How divorce affects the child
How divorce affects the church
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Equip the adults around the children
G R I PG
RIP
Both the adults who care for these children and the adults who
minister to them at church need to understand the many things they
can do to help these children survive.
Train your leadership teams about the effects of divorce.
Sometimes, just understanding what the child is experiencing helps.
Encourage other groups in your community such as childcare and
school teachers to attend these sessions also. Remem-ber that many
children of divorce live in childcare since their single parent has
to work long hours just to support the family.
Develop a team of mentors. Retired people and the boomer
population can be trained as mentors who can help children with
school projects and homework. They can also provide childcare when
a single parent has to work late.
Provide parenting classes for divorcing parents. Give parents
the research on what their children are experiencing. Provide
helpful parenting tips such as keeping consistent routines, giving
their children extra attention, how to set boundaries in their home
when parenting alone, and how to manage finances.
Build relationships. These kids need healthy relationship skills
modeled for them. They need good solid marriages modeled for them
and they need to be included in 2-parent homes as in a mentoring
capacity. Some children as teens will
continue to attend a house of worship when they have built solid
relationships with church family.
Train the children with a how to manual. Offer to take the child
of divorce aside and walk them through a short class like an adult
new members class. Give them pictures or a notebook explaining how
your church handles things like praise and worship (raising hands
or not), how you do communion, how people pray, what the adult
players in the church are called and, above all, the dress code.
Encourage the child to keep the how to manual with them when they
come to church.
Always remember the child of divorce. If you give out memory
verses, give the child of divorce only half the verses since they
more than likely only come half the time. When they miss, send them
a card or text them a message via their parents phone. When they
have to miss, send them home with next weeks lesson so they wont
feel left out when they return. Remember, they may not get the note
about the VBS, fall festival or the Christmas party and might not
know what they are supposed to bring or do for the event.
Rarely is a divorce just the division of community property and
an assignment of a visitation schedule. Divorce fractures lives,
memories and families. It leaves cracks in the childs beliefs about
marriage and in their basic foundation of religious beliefs.
It is critical to understand how some of the worst health and
social problems in our nation can arise as a consequence of adverse
childhood experiences.
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IPG R I P
According to heritage.org, in 1950, for every 100 children born
that year, 12 entered a broken family. Four were born out of
wedlock and 8 to a divorcing family. By the year 2000 that number
had risen five-fold and for every 100 children born, 60 entered a
broken family33 children born out of wedlock and 27 children
suffering the divorce of the parents.
Patrick Fagan, who gave the report above, stated that
essentially in our society in 50 years children went from being
part of a culture of belonging to being part of a culture of
rejection.
When churches become a divorce-informed church, children will no
longer feel like they are part of a culture of rejection. They will
feel like they belong.
Linda is semi-retired but still enjoys being around kids. She
loves FaceTime with her grandchildren who happen to all live far
away from her. She also has a blast running a DC4K group at her
church.
What the church can do to embrace these families
Single parents need relationships. Relationships are the key in
bringing and keeping single parents in the churchrelationships with
people in the church and with Christ.
They want to be able to contribute to the church family.
They need understanding of their situation.
They need acceptance.
They need to be validated as worthwhile Christians.
They need encouragement. They need people who
will help teach their children biblical truths and model strong
Christian marriages.
They need for the church family to realize that they are
parenting alone and that is different from parenting with a
spouse.
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