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About The Author:
Kevin is the most sought-after relationship coach in
the world for people who are going through a break up.
He is most famously known as “The Breakup Doctor”
Kevin specializes in helping people save their
relationship and bounce back after a broken relationship.
Kevin is a Certified Coach with The Life Coach Institute
and he also has his own private practice as a relationship
and break up coach.
Kevin graduated from DePaul University and completed
his Couples Counseling and Therapy Training with
The Gottman Relationship Institute, which is
based on over 40 years of research on what
makes marriages succeed or fail.
All credentials aside, most of Kevin’s teachings come from his personal experience.
Eight years ago, he went through a devastating break up that brought him to the
lowest point of his entire life. After hitting rock bottom, he had a spiritual awakening
that propelled him on the path of self-discovery.
Using the breakup as a catalyst for his transformation, Kevin embarked on a journey
of personal growth, determined to bounce back from the break up as a better person.
He emerged from the experience a changed man and went on to help millions of people
through the painful process of getting over a break up.
Since then, he’s written several books and created dozens of best-selling programs on
how to survive a break up. Today, he lives in Chicago Illinois with his incredibly
supportive girlfriend, helping people with their most pressing relationship issues.
If you’d like to know more about how to work with Kevin in private, you can find his
contact information at the bottom of each page.
Introduction:
Before you read any further, I want you to realize that you’re not alone.
I know that, after a break up, it can feel like no one “gets” you.
Like no one really understands what you’re going through.
However, I want you to know that I’ve been in your shoes.
(And so have billions of other people)
Yes, I said billions.
Let that soak in for a moment...
There are over 6.8 billion people in the world right now.
Over half of them have probably experienced the pain of losing someone they love.
That means there’s over 3 billion people that have felt what you’re feeling (and also
gotten through it)
The reason I’m taking the time to illustrate this in such detail is because I want
you to know that what you’re experiencing right now is actually very common.
In fact, there are thousands (if not millions) of people all around the world that
are going through the exact same thing right now.
I know because I’ve dedicated my life to helping them.
For the past 8 years, I’ve talked to people fresh out of a break up on a daily basis.
(Really exciting, I know)
And during that time, I’ve helped thousands of people recover from some really
soul-crushing breakups.
The reason I share this is to offer you hope.
I know it might seem like things will never get better.
I know it might feel like it’s too much to deal with.
However, it’s absolutely essential that you remember this one thing:
“Nothing lasts forever… not even your troubles.”
Take a trip down memory lane with me…
I want you to think back to a time in your life when something really unexpected
happened and you felt like it was the end of the world.
I want you to relive that experience for a moment and think back to how you felt
Now, I want you to rate that feeling on a scale of 1 – 10
(1 being not bad at all and 10 being the worst you can imagine)
How do you feel about that situation right now?
What would you rate that feeling on a scale of 1-10?
I can guarantee that the way you feel about it now is radically different than how you felt
the moment it happened, probably by at least 3-5 points (if not more).
See, when something really unexpected happens, we have a tendency to over-exaggerate
it and make it out to be much worse than it really is.
Isn’t it true that there are times we look back on something that happened and find it
funny that we got so worked up over that?
Perhaps you felt a bit of that now.
How is it that something that once felt like it was the
end of the world is hardly even a problem anymore?
What changed?
The thing that changed was your perspective.
Once you saw what happened in a different light, it changed the way you felt about it.
The same principle applies here.
The way you’re looking at your situation is a big part of what’s causing you to suffer.
That’s because you’re caught up in an “emotional storm” and it’s distorting your
perspective.
So what I’m really here to do, aside from just sharing some helpful tips and advice,
is to help you EXPAND YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
I’m here to help you see your situation differently.
Once you begin to see it differently, it will change how you feel about it.
But even more importantly, it will change the way you go about solving your problem.
There’s a brilliant quote by Albert Einstein that says:
“Life’s most significant problems cannot
be solved at the same level of thinking
you had when you created them.”
So my real goal in sharing this information with you is to help you reach
a new “level” of thinking.
Once that happens, you’ll able to deal with your problem more effectively.
I’m going to stretch your thinking by sharing some hard-earned lessons
I’ve learned from my own experience, as well as the lessons I learned from
spending close to a decade helping people with these exact same issues.
Please do your best to read this book with an open mind.
It’s essential to getting the most from it.
How to Get The Most From This Book
This book is not simply meant to be read – it’s meant to be used
In order to help you do this, I’ve incorporated a good blend of theory and practice.
In each chapter, I dive into some powerful ideas that I believe are important for you to
understand.
Then, afterwards, I share some practical action steps that you can take immediately
after you read it.
So treat this book like a “workbook”
Read each chapter and then spend some time doing the exercises at the end.
If you take the time to apply all the things you learn, I promise that you will
get everything you hoped for (and more).
However, if all you do is skim over the pages and play a game of mental validation,
I can tell you right away that this book isn’t going to do anything for you.
I want to take a second to clarify what I mean by “mental validation” – because I believe
that we ALL do this to some degree (myself included).
Anytime we’re reading a book, we’re basically filtering the information we’re reading
through our pre-existing knowledgebase.
Most of us tend it through 1 of 3 different lenses:
1) “this is good, this makes sense, I agree with this”
2) “this is nothing new, I already know this”
3) “this is wrong, I don’t agree with this”
While the first way might seem superior to the other two, all 3 are utterly worthless.
Why?
Because they don’t actually lead to you DOING anything!
It’s all just a mental game that you’re playing with yourself in your head.
And yet, I know the reason you got this program wasn’t to get some new ideas
or theories to contemplate.
The reason you got this program was to get some relief.
Well, in order to get the relief you were hoping for, you need to reflect on each chapter
and think about how you can apply it to your life.
I’ve made it easy for you to do this by providing you with several techniques that you can
begin using right away.
This will help you apply it to your life.
Remember: simply reading the book from start to finish will NOT magically heal you.
Although I share a lot of very powerful techniques that will help you heal your broken
heart, they won’t do you any good if you just read about them and don’t use them.
I can give you the resource but you’re
the one that’s responsible for using it
So please honor the commitment you made when you got this program and promise me
that you will actually USE IT.
Now here’s MY promise to YOU….
If you actually use the techniques I share with you, I promise that you will feel an
instant sense of relief the very first time you do it (especially with The Emotional
Freedom Technique and a couple others).
Now, don’t get me wrong, these techniques are not a “quick fix solution.”
They do not hold the power to heal you permanently.
However, they do help.
So take all the information I share and apply it to your life.
I promise that if you do, you will drastically speed up your recovery process.
You’ll also walk away with a greater sense of clarity on your relationship (and hopefully
on your life as a whole).
I hope this book will help you as much as it’s helped me and thousands of people.
Please do me a favor and send me an email after you’re done reading it to let me know
what you think
I would love to hear about your experience and the impact it’s had on your life.
Section 1:
How to Deal with Rejection
In this section, I’m going to talk to you about the #1 most important thing
you need to learn after a breakup: how to deal with rejection.
Why is this so important for you to learn how to deal with rejection?
Because the way you deal with rejection will determine:
1) how likely you are to get them back
2) how difficult it’ll be for you to deal with the pain
if you guys break up for good
3) whether you’ll have a chance of being friends in the future
4) how they will remember you for the rest of your life
(No pressure, right?)
So with this in mind, it’s really important to learn how to deal with rejection the
RIGHT way, as opposed to the way that comes most naturally to us after a break up.
By the way: the way most people deal with it is actually very counterproductive.
In fact, it only makes the situation a lot worse.
(You’ll learn more about this on the next page…)
What Happens When We Get Rejected?
Rejection is a very powerful thing.
When someone rejects us, especially when it’s the person
we love, a whole bunch of stuff comes up for us.
We feel hurt, rejected and even downright devastated.
It often comes as a total shock to us.
It can even feel like our whole world is falling apart.
That’s because the “rejection” actually sets off a series of physiological responses in your
body that you’re probably not even aware of.
Only psychological geeks like me who actually enjoy “geeking out” on this kind of stuff
actually know what goes on “behind the scenes”
So, what happens when you get rejected by someone?
When someone rejects you, it actually triggers a part of your brain called the amygdala.
(See picture below for more details)
Our “Fight or Flight” Mechanism…
The amygdale is the same part of our brain that controls your “fight/flight” response.
(I’m sure you’ve probably heard of that before…)
This part of our brain gets activated anytime we feel some kind of threat.
When this part is activated, we go into a “hyper-intense” state of awareness
in order to be better equipped to eliminate the threat.
This is actually a survival mechanism that has evolved over thousands of years.
If you’ve studied evolutionary psychology, you know why this exists. And even if
you haven’t, I’m sure you can deduce why something like this may come in handy.
So what does this part of our brain actually do after a break up?
To put it simply, it automatically goes into a “fight” response in order to
be better equipped to eliminate the threat.
The threat, in this case, is the possibility of losing the person you love forever.
In fact, just the THOUGHT of that is usually enough to make you panic.
That’s why you start doing a bunch of crazy stuff like calling and texting them over
and over again.
Begging, pleading, crying, and even promising to change things about yourself.
In other words: you’re willing to do just about anything you can to get them back.
You’re basically just trying to preserve your relationship at all costs.
Why?
Because you’re desperately trying to avoid LOSS.
You’re also trying to avoid CHANGE.
As humans, we don’t really like change.
In fact, we HATE it.
Why Humans Hate Change
Any kind of change, especially one as drastic as losing the person closest to us,
involves a great deal of UNCERTAINTY.
Losing the person you love often feels like having your world turned upside down.
And when the magnitude of change is that drastic, it’s not very easy to deal with
(no matter how good or bad you relationship actually was).
So this nifty little part of our brain actually developed an extraordinarily powerful
survival mechanism in order to eliminate the chance of that ever happening.
The “survival mechanism” I’m referring to is the need to RECONCILE
This often shows up in the form of begging, crying, pleading and other desperate
attempts to get our ex back.
Here’s what it looks like in our brain:
1) Getting our ex back = not having your whole world turn upside down
2) Not having your world turned upside down = not being forced to undergo change
3) Not being forced to undergo change = comfortable treading down the path of least
resistance
Our brain naturally gravitates towards the path of least resistance.
The path of least resistance always involves keeping things the same.
As long as things are the same, everything is safe, comfortable and familiar (even if it’s
not necessarily the best thing for us in the long the run)
However, the “long run” is not what your brain is most concerned with in that moment.
The only thing it’s concerned with is keeping things the same.
Embracing Biology
We can come up with a bunch of incredibly sincere justifications for why it’s not really
that simple.
We can argue that the reason we feel such a strong urge to save the relationship is
because we love them so much.
And while that’s certainly true, there is also something MUCH deeper going on behind
the scenes.
That’s why the urge you feel to get them back is so INTENSE.
It’s NOT just love that’s propelling you to save your relationship.
It’s biology too.
After a break up, there is a biological response that’s triggered in your mind, which then
sends a physiological response to your body, which then causes the hyper-intense state
of panic and desperation.
You’re literally in an “altered state” after a break up.
You have a powerful set of chemicals coursing throughout your body, causing you to
think, feel and do things that you otherwise wouldn’t normally do.
Now, you might be wondering: why am I sharing this with you?
Is it because I like overwhelming you with a bunch of complicated psychological jargon?
Not at all.
The reason I’m sharing this with you is because I want you to understand that the urge
you feel to get your ex back is not just an urge you feel because you love them.
Sure, that’s obviously a part of it.
But there’s also a bunch of chemicals coursing throughout your body right now that are
making you want to get them back at all costs (even when getting them back might
actually not be in your best interest)
Why is this important for you to understand?
Because you need to understand what’s actually happening in order to know how to
handle yourself properly.
In other words: you need to be able to recognize when that part of you is activated in
order to be able to get back in control of yourself.
Why?
Because when your amygdale is activated, you go into OVER-DRIVE
In fact, you pretty much go completely unconscious.
You’re basically just a puppet with puppet strings.
The puppet strings, in this case, are your emotions.
They’re pulling you in a hundred different directions all at once and that’s why it feels
like you’re going crazy.
I want you to take a moment to stop and realize that this is all very NORMAL.
I know it feels like you’re going crazy but you’re actually not.
The reason it feels so intense is because this is actually a hard-wired response that’s
been programmed into your mind through thousands and thousands of years of
evolution.
I won’t go into all the specific details of how it evolved here but just know that this type
of reaction actually served a very specific purpose many, many years ago.
Back when we all lived in small tribal communities.
The thing you have to realize though is that:
Although this reaction was originally created to serve you, it no longer does.
In fact, it actually hurts you and does a lot more harm than good.
I’ll explain why on the next page…
Why Being a Slave to Your Emotions Is Killing You
When you start freaking out and doing everything you can to get them back,
it makes you seem DESPERATE and NEEDY
(…which actually ends up pushing your ex away even further!)
That’s the weird and “counter-intuitive” thing that most of us don’t really realize.
We think that if we just prove to them how much we love them and explain how we can’t
imagine our life without them, we’ll somehow be able to convince them to take us back.
Yet, that almost NEVER works.
In fact, it usually just pushes them away even more.
Just think back to a time when you walked into a store and a salesperson approached
you right away, asking you what you needed.
Then, before you could even respond, they immediately start showing you a bunch of
stuff they got in stock and going on and on about how cool it is and how you need it.
What was your initial reaction to their behavior?
Probably something along the lines of “ahhh, get away from me!”
What’s funny is that this reaction has nothing to do with what the salesperson said.
What they said could have been the greatest thing in the world and the product itself
could have been exactly what you needed.
However, your natural instinct in that moment is to retreat and push away.
WHY?
Because you can sense that the other person is trying to “get” something
from you.
You can tell that they have some sort of agenda and it feels “icky”
Well, the same thing applies here…. so stop doing it!
Got it?
Good.
Unfortunately, this is a lot easier said than done because you’re under a very powerful
spell of emotions right now.
Like I said earlier, all the stuff that’s going on behind the scenes is VERY real and it’s
literally coursing through your entire body right now.
In other words, there are physical things happening inside of you that are causing you to
feel this way (which is why it’s so damn hard to get back in control of yourself)
By the way, I want to give you one physical symptom of all these chemicals reactions just
so you know that I’m not making all this stuff up.
You know that feeling you get in your gut?
That tight knot you get when you realize that you’re about to lose them forever?
That sick lonely feeling down in the pit of your stomach?
Yeah, that one.
That’s one example of it.
Just that one thing along is enough to compel you to do ANYTHING you can to get your
them back.
Sometimes, it’s not necessarily even to get them back; it’s just to make that HORRIBLE
feeling go away.
Can you relate?
I know I can.
A lot of people go to really great lengths to avoid that feeling.
Some people end up buying programs on how to get your ex back and they try to use a
bunch of sneaky, manipulative tactics just to get them back.
Psychological loopholes, triggers, jealousy, etc.
Now, I’m not going to get too much into all that stuff here because I actually know a
couple of the people who publish courses like that and I don’t want to slander them.
They’re good people, I just don’t necessarily agree with their methods.
Here’s my personal take on it:
If you need to use any sneaky psychological tactics to get them
to want to be with you… it’s probably NOT meant to be.
There’s nothing wrong with seeking out information to improve your relationship.
In fact, I highly recommend it.
After all, it takes a lot of work to maintain a successful relationship.
It also requires you have to have a certain level of knowledge and skill.
However, nothing about it should feel sneaky or manipulative.
You really shouldn’t have to do that just to get someone to love you.
If you have to do that, it’s not really love.
But that’s my 2 cents on it.
Moving on now…
Maintaining Your Dignity After a Break Up
The goal of this section is to help you deal with rejection the right way so that you can
maintain your sense of dignity (not just for yourself but also in your ex’s eyes as well)
I can’t even begin to tell you how many people I’ve talked to that acted desperate after
the break up and did a whole bunch of things that they now regret.
Not only did it end up pushing their ex away even further, but it also tainted the way
they remembered them (which ruined any chance of getting back together in the future).
Now, I’ve helped many people recover from this and rebuild a friendship later.
However, a lot of people were never really able to be friends with them after (not that
you have to be friends with your ex or anything).
In fact, it’s probably best NOT to be friends with your ex immediately after the break up.
I’ll explain why in a later section.
For now, I just want to help you deal with rejection more effectively so that you can
maintain your dignity.
Why Rejection Is So DAMN Devastating…
The reason we take rejection so badly is because we’re social animals.
We’ve evolved over the years in a social environment, where we had to get along and
cooperate with others in order to survive.
(We still have to do that now but not nearly as much as before)
Before, when we lived in a tribal society of only about 40 people, the approval of others
was crucial to our survival.
If people didn’t approve of us, we were ostracized from the pack and left to survive on
our own in the wilderness.
And back then, the chances of survival under those conditions were next to nothing.
In fact, it was practically impossible and almost always led to death.
(Remember, we weren’t nearly as self-sufficient and independent as we are today. We
worked in “packs” and we desperately needed other people in the pack to do their role
in order for us to survive).
So when we were separated from the pack, we were basically as good as dead.
So we learned that in order to best ensure our chances of survival,
we had to minimize rejection and disapproval from our community.
In turn, we developed a “rejection-avoidant” mechanism to prevent this from
happening.
(NOTE: I’m grossly oversimplifying a very complex process that evolved over thousands
of years. However, I’m not trying to give you a history lesson here. I’m just trying to give
you a quick overview of what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way).
Now, fast-forward thousands of years and you’ll see this in action today.
Just think back to a social situation where you had to meet a lot of new people.
It could be out at a meeting, conference or networking event (or even out at a bar).
Let’s say you saw someone that you really liked or found attractive.
Or perhaps you just saw someone interesting that you wanted to meet or start a
conversation with.
Did you actually go up and talk to them?
Probably not.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone.
Most people don’t.
Why?
Because we don’t want to make ourselves vulnerable.
Vulnerable to what, you ask?
To rejection and disapproval.
We don’t want to put ourselves out there and get turned down.
We don’t want to be embarrassed in front of others and end up feeling stupid.
That’s why most of us never even bother to approach in the first place.
Because we FEAR rejection.
And while many of us may think that getting rejected by someone we haven’t met before
is bad… the rejection we feel from someone we love is actually 10 TIMES WORSE.
Why Getting Rejected By The Person You Love Hurts 10x More Than Any Other Rejection
Believe it or not… we actually feel MUCH more hurt when we’re rejected by someone
we’re in a relationship with.
Why?
Because the first type of rejection is a very superficial kind of rejection.
When someone you just met rejects you, they’re usually rejecting you based on
something superficial; whether it was something you said or did, or perhaps it was
simply based on your appearance. Either way, it’s superficial.
However, when you get rejected by the person you love, by the person that
you’ve shared so much of yourself with, it STRIKES you right to your CORE.
That’s why you feel that KNOT in the pit of your stomach.
This person has known you intimately for months, years, and sometimes even
DECADES.
This person probably knows you better than anyone else.
They know the REAL you.
And after getting to know the real you, they’ve decided that they don’t want to be with
you anymore.
That’s what really hurts us deep in our soul.
It’s hard NOT to take something like that personally.
Yet, taking it personally is actually part of the problem.
It’s precisely what causes the rejection to hurt so much.
So what I want to help you do is to separate the personal reaction from the rejection.
That way, you don’t let it affect who you are (or your self-esteem).
Not Giving Rejection The Power to Hurt You
There’s a great quote by Gandhi that says:
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission”
So while rejection hurts, it doesn’t HAVE to hurt.
You can actually stop it from hurting.
But first, you need to understand WHY it hurts.
After that, you can transcend it.
Much like what I was saying earlier about the breakup triggering our fight/flight
mechanism, the pain of rejection also triggers a specific part of our brain as well.
In fact, studies have shown that when we get rejected by someone we love,
it actually triggers the same part of our brain that feels PHYSICAL PAIN.
Dr. Ethan Kross, a professor in psychology and his research team at the University of Michigan actually conducted a study where they separated people into 2 groups; one was a group people that just went through a break up and the other group was just a regular group of people.
They hooked them up to a machine that monitored their brain activity and here’s what they did:
They took the group of people that had recently gone through a break up and they showed them a picture of their ex.
After that, they monitored the response in their brain.
Then, they took the second group - the group of regular people – and they spilled a cup of hot coffee on their arm.
What they discovered is that the same part of the brain is activated in the group of people that saw a picture of their ex as the group who got burned with hot coffee.
In other words, they found that the brain reacts to emotional rejection exactly the same way that it responds to physical pain.
The results of this study offers new insight into the complexities of social rejection and how the experience can be both emotionally and physically debilitating.
It’s clear that the psychological pain that results from a relationship break up affects our physical health.
In fact, research has shown that grieving actually increases the risk of heart attacks.
This is yet another indicator that reinforces all the stuff I was saying earlier.
To put it simply, the pain you’re feeling right now is very real and it hurts.
But that doesn’t mean that it has to KEEP hurting you.
Although it’s perfectly normal to have this kind of reaction, you want to be
able to take control of it so that it doesn’t keep hurting you.
You have to separate your sense of self from the rejection in
order to preserve your sanity.
So, here’s something that’ll help you do that:
Don’t see the rejection as something that your ex is doing to you.
It’s not like they woke up one day and thought:
“Hey, I want to do this really mean and nasty thing to him today….”
OR…
“I want to hurt her really bad and cause her pain. What can I do?”
It wasn’t like that…
Your ex still loves you (even though they may not be acting like it right now)
I’ll talk more about this in the next chapter.
I’ll also explain why your ex is acting cold and distant right now.
In the meantime, just realize that they do still love you and care about you.
They wouldn’t have been with you if they didn’t love or care about you to some degree.
Remember That It Wasn’t Easy
For Them To Leave You Either
If they loved you or cared about you at all, then it wasn’t easy for them to leave you
(although it may feel like it was based on their current behavior).
However, the truth is that it’s never easy to leave the person you love (even when you
know it’s the right thing to do).
However, people do eventually leave when the relationship gets too painful to bear.
Remember how I said that humans are creatures of habit and we generally do
everything in our power to avoid change?
Well, the same thing applies in your ex’s case too.
No matter how unhappy they were with you, losing you still sucks.
They’re losing a friend, a lover, and a companion.
Not only is it painful to lose someone that close to you but it also requires a really HUGE
change.
And remember what I said about change?
We don’t like it and we don’t tend to deal very well with it.
So with that in mind, I can guarantee you that this wasn’t an easy decision for them.
It’s likely that they’ve been thinking about it and mulling it over for a really long time.
In fact, they probably knew that they wanted to break up with you a long time ago.
They just kept putting it off longer and longer.
Until something happened…
Now, you might be wondering, “what happened?”
To put it simply:
The pain of being with you got worse than the pain of losing you.
I’ll go into this in more depth in a later section…
For now, I just want you to realize that this is something your ex is doing for their own
personal benefit (rather than as a negative thing to cause you pain)
Therefore, you should do your best to NOT take it personally.
It’s not an attack, it’s an act of self-preservation.
They’re not doing this in order to hurt you.
So whatever you do, don’t start thinking that there’s something wrong with you or that
you’re not good enough as you are.
Sure, you’re far from perfect and I’m sure there are a lot of things that you could have
done differently.
PS: I actually created an entire course that covers the 10 most common mistakes that
most people make in relationships (and how to learn from it so that you don’t make the
same mistakes in the future)
It’s called:
Why Your Ex Left (And What You Did To Push Them Away)
If you haven’t gotten it yet, you can get it here:
=> Why Your Ex Left
In this course, you’ll discover the biggest reasons most couples break up (as well as
what it REALLY takes to make a relationship work)
For now though, I just want you to realize that you’re not flawed in any way.
Just because your ex rejected you does NOT mean that you are any less lovable
You are still whole and complete… exactly as you are.
If you find yourself questioning that or worrying that you’ll
never find someone else, it’s usually a sign of low self-esteem.
Here’s a fundamental truth that I discovered through many years of private practice:
“People with high self-esteem tend to cope with
breakups and rejections MUCH more effectively.
Why?
Because people with high self-esteem know who they are and what they have to offer.
If one person doesn’t appreciate them, they know that someone else WILL.
I want you to feel the same way.
Remember:
You’re not really losing a part of yourself (though I know it can often feel that way).
Losing Yourself in Relationships
See, when we’re in love, we have a tendency to attach our sense of self to our partner.
We inter-mingle our lives so much that we often become really attached to the other
person, which makes it really easy for us to lose our sense of self in the relationship.
When this happens, losing your partner becomes a lot more than just losing the person
you love.
It also means losing a part of yourself.
When you attach yourself to your partner and lose yourself in the relationship, losing
them feels like you’re losing everything.
It can affect you to the point where you feel like you can’t go on without them.
Well, that would explain why you’re reacting in a fit of panic and desperately clinging to
the relationship in any way you can.
This is why it’s so important to stop and reflect on the situation before you just
desperately try to get them back at all costs.
You need to stop and ask yourself:
Why Do I Really Want Them Back?.
If you want them back just to eliminate the suffering – in order to get rid of that feeling
of loneliness and to avoid having your sense of “self” dismantled – then you’re not really
wanting them back for the RIGHT reasons (or perhaps, not for very pure reasons).
See, everyone wants to get their ex back.
The question is:
Do you want to get them back because you value the relationship or because
you’re afraid of losing them and living your life without them?
There’s a big difference.
A lot of people that try to get back with their ex do it just to hold onto the relationship
(even though, deep down, they know that the breakup is probably in their best interest).
That’s what I did and that’s what so many of us do.
Why?
Because losing the person you love is freakin’ hard!
(Even when the time has truly come)
So what I want to do today is challenge you to think a little deeper about whether this
relationship was really in your best interest.
Were you really happy in this relationship or are you just really comfortable
and familiar with this person and afraid of starting over?
Are you trying to get them back just to feel desirable again or do you really want to have
them back in their life and rebuild an entirely new relationship with them?
So ask yourself: why do I really want them back in the first place?
Because I Love Them!!!
This is the most common reason people have for getting back together.
They say things like “But I love them so much! I can’t imagine my life without them!”
Okay, well, everyone loves the person they’re with…
If you didn’t love them, you probably wouldn’t be with them (at least in most cases).
However, if you’re hurting over it this bad, then you obviously did love them and you did
care about them very deeply.
And while love is great and special…
“Love is not enough to actually make a relationship WORK.”
Sure, it’s enough to spark all those great romantic feelings that you had in the beginning
but it takes A LOT more than love to actually make a relationship work.
With that said, I want to encourage you to explore the REAL reasons for why you want
them back.
Don’t just react on autopilot and try everything you can to get them back out of
desperation. It’s not going to work.
Plus, it may not even be in your best interest to get them back.
I know that’s not what you want to hear and you may not be quite ready to even hear
that yet but that’s often the case.
We’ll talk about it more in some of the other videos - but for now - I just want you to
realize that you are not any less lovable without this person.
Remember, you are not really losing any part of yourself (or at least not any part of your
true self)
The real you cannot be taken from you.
Love Cannot Be Taken From You
Another thing that a lot of people really stress out about is the idea of losing love (or
losing the person they love).
Here’s what I have to say about that (pardon me while I get metaphysical)
This person you love did NOT actually GIVE YOU LOVE
Sure, you may have felt loved in your relationship and they may have shown their love to
you in a lot of different ways. Ways that made you feel loved and appreciated.
However, the feelings of love that you were feeling in your relationship were YOUR
FEELINGS.
Those feelings were arising from within you (and you still have them inside your body
right now).
So this person didn’t actually GIVE you LOVE… they simply inspired you to
give yourself the permission to feel YOUR OWN LOVE in their presence.
And here’s the awesome part…
You can give yourself permission to feel that love again with other people that happen
to strike your interest.
I know you don’t want to think about that right now but I just want you to know that
love is a very abundant resource.
Instead of feeling doom and gloom about never being able to find love again, I want you
to know that you CAN love again (and that you WILL love again)
Hell, you can love even if you never find anyone that’ll ever love you again.
How?
By simply loving yourself!
The Most Important Love
In The World is Self-Love
You cannot truly love someone who does not love themselves. In fact, trying to love someone who doesn’t love themselves is like trying to
hug broken glass. You’ll only end up hurting yourself more in the process.
If you don’t love yourself, all the love you get from others is going straight into a bucket
with a bunch of empty holes at the bottom.
All that love is eventually just going to end up leaking out because no amount of love is
ever enough to fill a bucket for someone who doesn’t love themselves.
You are the only one that can ever fill it.
However, when your bucket is already FULL and someone pours love in, you overflow
with even more love and appreciation.
And THAT’S the place that you really want to be.
If you don’t love yourself, every act of love you give is infused with impurity
It becomes a sneaky way of giving just to get something back.
In other words, you do it in order to get something that you think you need in order to
fill something within you (which it never really will).
You are the only one that can ever fill that.
You can never fill that part of you with the love of another (at least not if you want to
enjoy a life of sanity and drama-free relationships)
The only thing that you can ever really fill that with is your own self-love.
If this material resonates with you, I encourage you to embark on a journey of self-love.
Do whatever it takes to build yourself up and give yourself the approval that you so
desperately crave from others.
If you don’t give yourself that approval, you’ll constantly be a slave to other people’s
opinion of you.
Liberate yourself from the quest for other people’s approval
and give yourself the approval you’ve been yearning for.
It’s the only approval that will ever truly satisfy you.
By the way, I talk a lot more about how to actually do this in my other program:
The Fresh Start: How to Bounce Back from a Breakup, Regain Your Joy
In Life and Become a Stronger & Better You
If you want more details on how to sign up for this program,
just send me an email at [email protected]
Anyways, I just wanted to share that as another key distinction for you to keep
in mind on your journey to recovery.
Remember that what you felt in the relationship was your own love and you can feel
that love again in the future.
Hopefully, that’ll help you deal with that devastating feeling you get when it feels like
you’re losing everything and you’ll never be able to find someone that you feel the
same way about again.
So what I’d like to do now is actually take all the ideas that I just shared with you one
step further and give you a specific exercise that you can apply in your own life.
That way you have something that you can actually DO to feel better.
I know I shared a lot of great concepts here and I know that a lot of them are probably
making a lot of sense to you. In fact, you may have even had some really profound
insights or “aha” moments.
However, I want to do more than just that for you.
I want to give you something that you can actually do to cope with the loss and become
more at peace with yourself; something that you can do to rebuild your self-love so.
To help you do that, I want to share a really powerful technique that I talked about in
the video you watched right before you purchased this course.
It’s something that I recommend to each and every single one of my private coaching
clients and it’s something that I guide them through in our private sessions.
The process I’m referring to is a powerful technique called EFT, which stands for:
The Emotional Freedom Technique
This is an extremely powerful technique that can help you deal with various emotions,
such as traumas, fears and anxieties.
Note: this technique is not meant to be a replacement for traditional forms of therapy.
You are more than welcome to use it to assist you in your recovery process. In fact, I
would highly encourage it. It has helped me and many of my clients tremendously. In
fact, it’s probably one of the most powerful tools I’ve ever discovered.
However, I cannot guarantee anything and I cannot be held accountable for anything
that happens as a result of using this technique.
Okay, now that we got that part out of the way, let’s go ahead and dive into the actual
technique…
So there are two components to EFT; one is physical and one is verbal.
I’m going to go over the verbal component of this technique here and then I’m going to
link you to another video that shows you the physical part of it afterwards. Deal?
(PS: the video I’m going to share with you is a really great way to learn the technique
because it gives you a close-up look at how to do it. It’s a step by step demonstration that
shows you exactly what to do every step of the way. I’ll post the video link for you to
watch at the end of this section. First, I need to explain the verbal part of this technique)
So here’s what the verbal part of this technique is all about…
It’s about SELF-ACCEPTANCE
More specifically, accepting yourself in spite of whatever you may be feeling right now.
This is what will ultimately help you cope with it (both the rejection and any other thing
that you may apply this technique to in the future)
It’s really interesting because the philosophy behind this technique actually runs parallel
to the idea that I expressed a little bit earlier in that quote I shared with you by Gandhi:
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission”
Well, what this technique does is it actually gives you a way to accept yourself.
Once you do, a lot of the hurt will dissolve.
That’s the most mind-boggling thing about it…
No one is FORCING you to feel hurt right now.
You simply feel that way because you got rejected.
And because of that, you’re getting all down on yourself.
However, no one can make you feel down about yourself without your permission.
In other words, you’re the one that’s letting yourself get down all about it.
Kind of a bittersweet truth, right?
Don’t worry, this technique will help you stop beating yourself up about it.
See, it’s actually NORMAL to get down about it.
What this technique does, essentially, is it helps you accept yourself so that you don’t
continue to STAY down about it.
It helps you embrace, both yourself and
your reaction, to whatever is happening.
And once you do, you’ll finally feel at peace with yourself.
So here’s how you do the verbal component of the technique…
You do it by simply saying ONE simple little statement out loud.
“Even though I feel _______, I deeply and completely accept myself”
The blank should be filled in with whatever you are feeling right now.
This allows you to embrace what you’re feeling so that you can actually work with it,
rather than getting consumed by it.
Feel free to use this technique spontaneously and voice whatever is coming up for you as
you’re feeling it.
Really tune into what’s coming up for you and give yourself the opportunity to not only
be with that, but to voice it out loud and make it okay for you to be with that.
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