The Ball and Chain Revolution

Copyright

Copyright © Vivan Kamath. 2011.Contents subject to revision without prior notice.

Disclaimer

We do not warrant that the steps will work properly in all environments and applications, and make no warranty and representation, either implied or expressed, with respect to the quality, performance, merchantability, or fitness for a particular purpose.We have made every effort to ensure that this book is accurate; we disclaim liability for any inaccuracies or omissions that may have occurred. Information in this book is subject to change without notice and does not represent a commitment on our part. We assume no responsibility for any inaccuracies that may be contained in this book. We make no commitment to update or keep current the information in this book, and reserve the right to make improvements to this book and/or to the products described in this book, at any time without notice.If you find information in this book that is incorrect, misleading, or incomplete, we would appreciate your comments and suggestions. Unless you're the wife; then we already know.

For Dada.

Introduction

The evolution of the human race has been an ongoing process for millions of years wherein the men seem to have found themselves moving at a much slower pace in the steps. With a need for chaos and indecency, we embrace our satanic character on our shoulder in an attempt to make a dent in the enemy’s fortress. We have lost not only the ball but the entire court and it is time to take back what is ours. However, we are not violent characters; we aren’t the damsels in distress either though. We are merely married. If history has taught us anything, wit and swift planning allows exemplary results. This is a book for just that. It is not meant to be a guaranteed success or even meant to be completed once the last task is done; much like evolution, it is an ongo-ing process. It is meant to be a spark for juvenile pandemonium everywhere. It is time to retract back into our sling shot days and be the men we as boys thought we would be. It is time for husbands everywhere to unite and have a great time defying our wives just for the hell of it. So enjoy, be careful and remember – we love our wives, it’s why we must annoy them.

10

1

Use 10 drinking glasses a day instead of one.

Some women have a tendency to be very particular about the neatness of their houses and especially their kitchens. A momentary lapse in the order of things and the results are unbearable for them. Perhaps you could space out your water drinking to one glass every hour and leave the glasses in different areas around the house. This could also work with bottles of water.

WARNING: Avoid placing the glasses on things that could be damaged or surfaces where water rings could be made because that would generate a whole different level of irritation so please proceed with caution.

9

Mock her driving skills without being too dramatic. Minimal words here.

Tread carefully in these territories considering this takes chauvinism into a more direct approach. It is definitly a hilarious form of rebellion though. Don't say anything. Get into the car and remember to have left something in the house. Return with the helmet already placed on your head and calmy sit down in the passenger's seat and act like everything is normal.

WARNING: In the case where your wife is actually a bad driver, wear your seat belt. But then escaping her wrath becomes more difficualt as well.

8

Play ‘Cowboys From Hell’ on Guitar Hero. Nothing else. Over and over. All the time.

Almost everyone had their rocker phase and there's no need to be ashamed of it. And Guitar Hero only lets us push rewind to those days when one song was our life and it was played over and over again till the cassette broke. It always seemed to drive the rest of the family mad. Same rules, different era.

WARNING: Pick a song you know you will always love lest you too end up getting bored or irrtated by it and that would be such a loss.

Play ‘Cowboys From Hell’ on Guitar Hero. Nothing else. Over and over. All the time.

Almost everyone had their rocker phase and there's no need to be ashamed of it. And Guitar Hero only lets us push rewind to those days when one song was our life and it was played over and over again till the cassette broke. It always seemed to drive the rest of the family mad. Same rules, different era.

WARNING: Pick a song you know you will always love lest you too end up getting bored or irrtated by it and that would be such a loss.

7

Act like you see the light every time you get sick

even if it's only a cold.

Sickness is like a ‘Get Out of Jail’ free pass to be annoying. It’s a time when we can

revert back to our childhood and find ourselves being pampered and have a chance to

moan and groan and be as dramatic as we want. We can make ridiculous demands that

would otherwise be unacceptable. And the more ridiculous you can be, the greater the

chance of succcessful irritation.

WARNING: There could be similar expectation of care taking if she were to fall sick

in which case there will be death to pay.

Play ‘Cowboys From Hell’ on Guitar Hero. Nothing else. Over and over. All the time.

Almost everyone had their rocker phase and there's no need to be ashamed of it. And Guitar Hero only lets us push rewind to those days when one song was our life and it was played over and over again till the cassette broke. It always seemed to drive the rest of the family mad. Same rules, different era.

WARNING: Pick a song you know you will always love lest you too end up getting bored or irrtated by it and that would be such a loss.

Play ‘Cowboys From Hell’ on Guitar Hero. Nothing else. Over and over. All the time.

Almost everyone had their rocker phase and there's no need to be ashamed of it. And Guitar Hero only lets us push rewind to those days when one song was our life and it was played over and over again till the cassette broke. It always seemed to drive the rest of the family mad. Same rules, different era.

WARNING: Pick a song you know you will always love lest you too end up getting bored or irrtated by it and that would be such a loss.

6

Watch TV during sex. Preferably sports.

Women find it infuriating enough to have their husbands not pay attention because they’re so engrossed in the match or the news. If you were to take that a step higher and do it during a moment of intimacy and love then optimal irritation can be achieved.

WARNING: This could lead to a smack across the face or perhaps even prolonged unavailability of such activities.

5

When she complains saying ‘you never listen to me’ be certain to reply ‘a quarter past three’.

Nothing annoyes the lady more than when you don't listen to her. It's even more effective if you stop listening half way through the conversation. Always change the time of the day while doing this so that she knows you're trying to annoy her but you can play the fool too. Double annoyance.

WARNING: Make sure you only pretend to not listen in case she says something which is actually important. For example- I want a divorce or I have VD.

Play ‘Cowboys From Hell’ on Guitar Hero. Nothing else. Over and over. All the time.

Almost everyone had their rocker phase and there's no need to be ashamed of it. And Guitar Hero only lets us push rewind to those days when one song was our life and it was played over and over again till the cassette broke. It always seemed to drive the rest of the family mad. Same rules, different era.

WARNING: Pick a song you know you will always love lest you too end up getting bored or irrtated by it and that would be such a loss.

4

Make fun of where she hails from.

This is a fun task considering it involves costumes and if possible, music and dance. Learn a few ridiculous words in her native language and shout them pronouncing them incorrectly but with great confidence. Try and say it in the right accent as well.

WARNING: This will not work if she's from the same place as you.

3

Make an effort to make sure the toilet seat is always up.

This is the kind of thing that irritates almost all women but when you live with the person and share the same toilet, you are automatically expected to be considerate and sometimes even forced to be considerate. It is a form of rebellion that can be done on a day to day basis with very little effort and sometimes several times a day. Best time for such endeavours is in the morning when everything is rushed and your wife is late for work.

WARNING: Make sure to be aware in case you fall into your own trap by mistake.

2

Spread your dirty socks around the house every time you take a pair off.

The problem of sock misplacement is a universal phenomenon. Men lose their socks. Mis-matched socks, single sock, full pair of socks and the most confusing, someone else’s socks. It is time to adapt to the situation and use it to our advantage. Whenever you take off a pair of socks, subtly place it somewhere you know is effective visually; per-haps below the couch, on the bedside table or even right in the middle of the floor to create extreme visibility. Her distress is most certain to follow.

WARNING: This will, in most probability, diminish your chances of you perhaps being able to retrieve the set again. Hygienic if sock is left for long periods of time.

1

Add to the decor of the house.

Wives often see themselves as interior decorators and take great pride in the decor of their home. However, it is your home as well and you should exert your liberty to include your own touch to do. I would suggest procuring action figures or full body cutouts or even an iconic statue of one of your childhood heroes such characters from Star Wars or Star Trek. Sports stars would be suitable as well. Place it somewhere completely out of place and preferably blocking something she feels bring the whole room together.

WARNING: She may throw it away.

ISBN 2694-372-178-4

I am not a writer and thus have very little skill at the craft. So let the words of a writer characterise this manual.

"Marriage is an adventure, like going to war."G. K. Chesterton

Enough said.

Domesticated Publications