Table Wicked Asukal , Ako Deat Out-of- Notebook The Miriam

TableofContents

WickedAsukalKa,AkoAySagoDeatThreastforBreakfastOut-of-NotebookExperienceTheWorstThingAboutBeingMarriedMiriamonMiriam

©Copyright2014byMiriamDefensorSantiagoandABS-CBNPublishing,Inc.

FirstPrinting,December2014SecondPrinting,December2014

Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformoranyelectronicmeans,includinginformationstorageorretrievalsystemswithoutpermissioninwritingfromtheauthorizedrepresentativeofthepublisherexceptbriefpassagesinbooks,articles,reviews,legalpapers,andjudicialorotherofficialproceedingswithpropercitation.

Anycopyofthisbookwithoutthecorrespondingnumberandtheauthorizedsignatureoftheauthoronthispageeitherproceedsfromanillegitimatesourceorisinpossessionofonewhohasnoauthoritytodisposeofthesame.

AuthorMiriamDefensorSantiago

PublisherAlexieRenzM.CruzResearchAssistantsMarieAngelicaThelmo,

JeanieRoseBacongandPeterTomTolibasEditorialAssistantArlynRosales

ArtDirectorNoelAvendahoCoverIllustrationCjdeSilva-Ong

PresidentErnestoL.LopezManagingDirectorMarkJ.YambotContentDirectorChristinaN.LopezHead,SpecialProjectsKristineV.Hernandez

Pre-PressProductionManagerAndyLizardoDigitalImagingSupervisorGilCargasonDigitalArtistSebCacholaProductionCoordinatorJouieDocaPurchasingOfficerArnelC.Bon

Head,NarrowcastandDTTChannelsAntonioS.VentosaSr.FinanceOfficcr-NarrowcastMycaG.Ramos

ISBN978-971-816-127-2

ABS-CBN

PUBLISHINGINC.

PUBLISHEDBYABS-CBNPUBLISHING,INC.8FELJCCBuildingMotherIgnaciaSt.,cor.

EugenioLopezDrive,

QuezonCity,Philippines

BooksbytheAuthor:Some19booksinlawandsocialsciences

InventingMyself(anAutobiography)

CuttingEdge,ThePoliticsofReform(anAutobiography)AttheTurnoftheCenturyWhereAngelsFeartoTreadChristianityVersusCorruptionAFrabjousDayandOtherStoriesTheMiriamDictionary

NationalLibraryofthePhilippinesCIPData

Recommendedentry:

Santiago,MiriamDefensor.

StupidisForever/MiriamDefensorSantiago.--(Placeofpublicationnotidentified):ABS-CBNPublishing,Inc.,[c20I4l

p.I32;17.18cm

ISBN978-971-816-127-8

I.Santiago,MiriamDefensor--Humor.2.Filipinowitandhumor.3.Englishwitandhumor--Philippines.4-Speeches,lectures,etc.,Filipino--Womenauthors.I.Title

808.882PN6222.P52014P420140283

DedicatedtomysonsArchieandA.R.,

whotradedbonmotswithmeeverydayatthediningtable,untilonedayIflooredthemwiththequestion:

"Whyistheresomethinginsteadofnothing?”Indisgust,theychorused:"That’snotfunny!”andwalkedout.

Foreword

Ofcourse,Imakenoclaimtooriginalityinthiscompilationofmyepigrams.Mysupportersfindthemfunny,andmyenemiespresumablyfindthemrevolting.That’sbecause

thosevillainsarehardwiredonlyforself-adulation.

Anyway,Iimbibedtheresponsesinthisvolumefromjokebooks,epigrammaticcollections,magazines,thenativeintelligenceofFilipinohumor,andtheneedtosurvivethepomposityandsuperficialityofpoliticians,whowouldn’trecognizesarcasmifitjumpedupandbittheminthesuperciliousnose.

Thiswork,commissionedbymypublisher,servesasthesecond,enlargededitionofthewell-receivedTheMiriamDictionary,whichwascirculatedduringthe1992presidentialcampaign.Thisworkispremisedonmyfirmbeliefthatdespitewhatthebibleimplies,Goddefinitelyhasasenseofhumor.

MIRIAMDEFENSORSANTIAGOOctober2014

AboutTheAuthor

Senseofhumorisalmostabsentamongpoliticians,butSenatorMiriamDefensorSantiagoisatrulytalentedexception.Peoplearepuzzledhowshecanspontaneouslymakethemlaughinthemidstofnationalpolicycrises,andofrealdangertoherlifeasacorruptionfighter.

Contrastaddstothehumor,becauseMiriamisaleadingAsianintellectual.ShewaselectedjudgeoftheInternationalCriminalCourtinDecember2011,onlytogiveitupbecauseofcancer.Millionsofherfansstillbelieveshewonbutwascheatedofthepresidencyin1992.Shelostoneofonlytwobelovedchildren.Butsheneverlosthersenseofhumor.

HumorpushedMiriamthesenatortohelpuncoverthebiggestcorruptionscandalinourcountry’spoliticalhistory.Indealingwiththeplunderofbillionsofpublicfunds,andinstandingbytheruleoflawinahighlypoliticizedimpeachmentprocess,shescolded:"Whatthe....?”latershortenedto"Wha’?”

MiriamwillgodowninhistorynotonlyasalaureateoftheMagsaysayAwardforgovernmentservice,orasthecandidatewhoneverconcededdefeatinafraud-marredpresidentialelection,butasthesoulwhorisesaboveitallbylaughingathumanfoibles.

Hercompleteresumecanbefoundattheendofthisbook.

XII

CONTENTS

3

Wicked

35

AsukalKa,AkoaySago

45

DeathThreatsforBreakfast!

67

Out-of-NotebookExperience

93

TheWorstThingAboutBeingMarried

107

MiriamonMiriam

2

4

His(Miriam’senemy)memoryisinblackandwhite.

He(Miriam’senemy)wasawaiterattheLastSupper.

Politiciansnevergetlostinthought,becauseit’sunfamiliarterritory.

Brainsaren’teverything.InthecaseofCongressmembers,they’renothing.

Corruptpoliticianswouldbedifferent,iftheyhadenoughoxygenatbirth.

Mostpeopleliveandlearn.Politiciansjustlive.

IntheSenate,sometimesIdebatewithpeoplewhodon’tletthefactsgetinthewayoftheiropinions,asinthecaseoftheReproductiveHealthBill.

IwanttoworkasajudgeoftheInternationalCriminalCourt,becauseinCongress,the

mediocrityofsomepeopleisunparalleled.

He(Filipinopolitician)isjustnotuser-friendly.

Topoliticiansaccusedofplunder:Asanoutsider,whatdoyouthinkofthehumanrace?

Ofherenemy:Googlinghimyieldednoresults.

Ofherpetpeeve:HeissouglyheshoulddonatehisfacetotheParksandWildlifeOfficeinQuezonCity.

:Voltaire,Ibelievethattheidealformofgovernmentisdemocracytemperedwithassassination.

Idon’tminddyingfortheFilipinoyouthandnation,butIcertainlydon’twanttodieforpoliticians.

IagreewithMenckenthatdemocracyisapatheticbeliefinthecollectivewisdomofindividualignorance.

Thespeechesofyoung,ambitious,apparentlycorruptpoliticiansleavetheimpressionofanarmyofpompousphrasesmovingoverthepoliticallandscapeinsearchofanidea.Sometimesthesemeanderingwordswouldactuallycaptureastragglingthoughtandbearittriumphantlyasaprisonerintheirmidst,untilitdiedofservitudeandoverwork.ThisishowIfeelwhenIwatchthesetalkative,pompousandemptyyoungpeopleanswermediaquestionsduringaliveTVinterview.

OnliveTVinterviewsafteraplenarysession,someCongressmemberslooksoblank,eachoneofthemlooksliketheguyinasciencefictionmoviewhoisfirsttoseetheCreature.

sometimesImeetmyenemyintheSenateloungeandwouldreceivefromhimthesortofgreetingsacorpsewouldgivetoanundertaker.

ManysenatorsliketodeliverspeechesintheSenate—namely,privilegespeeches,sponsorshipspeeches,speechesofcommendation.Theyspeakforhundredsofminutesandthevisitorsinthegalleryareabletodetectonlyoneargument.

SomeoneworkinginthepresidentialstaffinMalacañanglovestoappearonTV,lookingverymuchlikeafemalellamasurprisedinherbath.

Celebritieswhoactasposterboysforstemcelltreatmentareboundtolosethetemporaryyouthfullookandtheneachonebecomesatriumphoftheembalmer’sart.

OnherMagsaysayAwardforGovernmentService:Bureaucracyisagiantmechanismoperatedbypygmies.Hereareguidelinesforbureaucrats:Whenincharge,ponder.

Whenintrouble,delegate.

Whenindoubt,mumble.

Ofthecrimeofplunder:Nothingispoliticallyrightwhichismorallywrong.

OfthesocialeventknownasStateoftheNationAddress:Somewomenweartoomuchmakeupandsomewomenweartoolittleclothes.

Apoliticianisamanwhowilldoublecrossthatbridgewhenhecomestoit.

AsGalbraithsaid,therearetimesinpoliticswhenyoumustbeontherightsideandlose.

Platowassoright:thepriceofapathytowardpublicaffairsistoberuledbyevilmen.

Inacorruptcountry,ifyouwanttosucceedinpolitics,youmustkeepyourconscienceundercontrol.

ThemembersofCongressarethepeoplewhowillsupportthePresidentwhenheiswrong.

"You’rethereasonGodcreatedthemiddlefinger."

Astatesmanisapoliticianwhoplaceshimselfattheserviceofthenation.Apoliticianisastatesmanwhoplacesthenationathisservice.InthePhilippines,anothernameforpoliticianisplundergenius.

Therearenotruefriendsinpolitics.Someonesaidthatweareallsharkscircling,andwaitingfortracesofbloodtoappearinthewater.

Ofherpoliticalenemyalwaysanglingforagovernmentjob:Ifleftouthewouldbedangerous,butiftakenin,hewouldsimplybedestructive.

Ofawishy-washypolitician:Whenindoubtonwhatshouldbedone,hispolicyistodonothing.

Therearepoliticianswho,whentheywereinpower,wererubbishandarrogant.Nowthatthesepoliticianshavesttheirjobs,thereisnothingasabjectandpathetictheyare.Theyremindmeofaretiredstudhorse.

AccordingtoMencken,thewholeaimofpracticalpoliticsistokeepthepopulacealarmed(andhence

clamoroustobeledtosafety)bymenacingitwithanendlessseriesofhobgoblins,allofthemimaginary.

Angpulitiko,parasumikat,aytinatakotmunaangtaong-bayannamaymalakingproblema,kagayangkidnapforransom.Pagkataposnagpapanggapnasiyalangangmaykakayahannalumutasngproblema.Angtotoo,siyapalaangmayhawakngmgakidnappers.Anggaling!

Somepoliticiansgetelectedbecausetheyarewellknown.Theotherpoliticiansaredefeatedforthesamereason.

InanyCongress,outofIOOpeople,2arehonestandIntelligent,IOarecriminals,and88aregoodfornothing.

Isthereagoodpolitician?Isthereanhonestburglar?

Inanycountry,crooksmakemoneybyunderestimatingtheintelligenceofthemasses.

IsponsoredanddefendedtheReproductiveHealthLaw,althoughIamaCatholic.IntheCatholicchurch,awomantoavoidpregnancyisallowedtoresorttomathematics.ThankGod,nowCatholicwomenareallowedtoresorttophysicsandchemistry!

Ofherpoliticalenemy:Hehasallthecharacteristicsofanambitiouspolitician:ahorriblevoice,badbreeding,andavulgarmanner.

Duringanycommencementexercise,Ialwaysknowthegraduatewhowillsucceed.Heisthepersonwhoknowsnothingandthinkshehaseverything.Thisgraduatewillbecomeasuccessfulpolitician.

Therewasatimewhenacircusdidnotconsistoftrainedanimalperformersandacrobaticshows,butoffreaksandmonstrosities.Oneofthemwascalled"thebonelesswonder.”Theyarenowinpolitics.

14

I’msojealousthatyoufinallyfoundyourtruelove.

Unfortunately,theyhaven’tlegalizedself-marriageyet.

Peopleareentitledtochangetheirminds.Butwhenpoliticiansdoso,theyalwaysexplainitintermsofincomprehensibleprinciples.

InPhilippinepolitics,Iknowmanymenandwomenwhoareabletoriseaboveprinciples.

WhenIlistentothedefensivelanguageofthoseaccusedofplunder,Imarvelthattheycanmakeliessoundtruthful,plunderrespectable,andgiveanappearanceofsoliditytopurewind.

Thenpeoplesaythatpoliticsistheartofthepossible,theymeantheartofspeculation,calculation,intrigue,secretdeals,andpragmaticmaneuvering.

MembersofCongressareeagertoparticipateandbetelevisedduringpublichearings,whicharemorelikepoliceinvestigationsconductedbyascatterbrainedinvestigator.ThehonorablemenandwomenofCongressliketotakethingsapart.Unfortunately,heyhavenoclueonhowtoputthembacktogether.

16

Letmequotetheepigramthatthepurificationofpoliticsisaniridescentdream.

EverytimethePresidentfillsavacantoffice,hemakesahundredmalcontentsandoneingrate.

Democracyisawonderfulsystem.Itpermitsyoutovoteforapolitician,andthentowatch

onTVasheistriedforplunderandgraft.

Thepeoplechargedwithplunderhaveasicknesscalledspendicitis.

Manypoliticiansrefusetoanswermediaquestions,onthegroundthatitmighteliminatethem.

ItrytogivethepoliticiansintheSenatefacts,andthentheydrawtheirownconfusions.

TheNapolesscandalshowedthatsomepoliticiansarethesamealloverthecountry.Theypromisetobuildbridgeswheretherearenorivers.

Whenyouwatcheverypoliticiananswerquestionsfromthemedia,yourealizethatapoliticianapproacheseverysubjectwithanopenmouth.

Iknowapoliticianwhoissowindythathecangivemouth-to-mouthresuscitationbytelephone.

Thetroublewithmyenemiesisthattoomanyofthemreceivedanhonorarydegreefromanelementaryschool

Politiciansarefondofsaying"we.”Theonlypeopleentitledtouse"we”aremonarchs,editorialwriters,andpregnantwomen.

"Let’sswitchplaces:youbefunnyandI’llbeanasshole.”

Inspiteofitsgreataccomplishmentsinmoderntimes,sciencehasnotyetdiscoveredadequatecontrolsforanumberofnationalphenomena,includingclimatechange,stormsurge,tsunamis,andpoliticians.

Darwin’stheoryofevolutionsuggeststhatfirstcamethebaboon,andthenman.PoliticsprovesthatDarwiniswrong,andthatfirstcameman,andthenthebaboon.

Apoliticalcandidateoncesaidthathewouldratherberightthanbepresident.ButtheConstitutionprovidesthatyoucanbeboth.

AsTheodoreRooseveltsaid,themostpracticalkindofpoliticsisthepoliticsofdecency.

TwopoliticalcandidateswereengagedinaheateddebateCandidateI:Whataboutthepowerfulintereststhatcontrolyou?

Candidate2:Youleavemywifeoutofthis!

IlovethisdefinitionfromAmbroseBierce.Apoliticianisaneelinthefundamentalmud,uponwhichthesuperstructureoforganizedsocietyisreared.Whenhewriggles,hemistakestheagitationofhistailforthetremblingoftheedifice.Ascomparedwiththestatesman,hesuffersthedisadvantageofbeingalive.

TocallaFilipinopoliticianamediocremanisunwantedflattery.Manypoliticiansaremenofmonumentallittleness.

Allprofessionalsinourcountryneedtopassagovernmentexam.Onlyapoliticiandoesnotneedanykindofpreparationtopractice.

PSALMOFTHEPOLITICIAN

Thepoliticianismyshepherd,I’minwant,

HemakesmetoliedownonparkbenchesHeleadsmebesidethestillfactories.

Hedisturbsmysoul.

Yes,thoughIwalkthroughthevalleyoftheshadowofdepressionandrecession,

Ianticipatenorecovery,forheiswithme.

Hepreparesareductioninmysalaryinthepresenceofmyenemies,

Heanointedmysmallincomewithgreatlosses.

Myexpensesalarminglyrunover.

Surelyunemploymentandpovertyshallfollowmeallthedaysofmylife

AndIshalldwellinamortgagedhomeforever.

25

ASUKALKA,AKOAYSAGO

Angpag-ibignatinayparangFacebook.Pwedengi-like,pwederingmag-comment,perohindidapati-share.

Angcrushparangmathproblem,kunghindimomakuha,titiganmonalang.

Pumupuntakabasagym?Kasifeelingko,magwo-workouttayo.

Angpagmamahalkosa’yoayparangbilbil,pilitkomangtinatagoperohalataparin!

Hindiakomataba.Hindilangakomadalingma-kidnap.

Kungisaakongjoke,gustoko’yungmapipikonka,paranamanseryosohinmoako.

Wow,saangawaangt-shirtmo?Gawaba’yansaboyfriendmaterial?

Angpag-ibigkosa’yoayparangrelo.Paratingpakanan,neverkakaliwa.

AnggandamoayparangPLDT—pang-longdistance.

Kungmagkaroonmanakongthirdeye,ilalagaykoitosapusoko.Parahindinaakomabulagsapag-ibig.

Alamniyobakungkailannausoangpick-uplines?NoongpumasokakosaUPCollegeofLaw,naglabasannaangmgapick-uplines.Noongmgapanahondingiyonnakitaakongmgalalakingmaygirlfriendna,kayanausorinangBREAK-UP.

Kapagnamataynaako,huwagnahuwagkangpupuntasalibinganko,bakatumibokulitangpusoko.

Miss,kutsarakaba?Kasipapalapitkapalang,napapanganganaako.

Kungasukalka,akonamanaysago.Walaakongkwentakungwalaangtamismo.

Suicide.Homicide.Insecticide.Lahatnalangpamatay.Perokunggustomongpampabuhay,i-trymoang"bymyside.”

Malabonatalagaangmgamatako.Pwedebaakonghumingisaiyongkahitkontingpagtingin?

Lawaykaba?Kasikahittulognaako,ikawparinanglumalabassabibigko.

Anglampamonaman!Tatawidkanangalangsaisipko,nahulogkapasapusoko.

Sabinila,"Apictureisworthathousandwords.”Peronangnakitakoangpicturemo,tatlongwordslangangnaisipko:"'Iloveyou.”

Passwordkaba?Hindikasikitakayangkalimutan,perokayakitangpalitan.

ASUKALKA,AKOAYSAGO

TinanongminsanniBoysiGirl:BOY:Anongtunogngaso?GIRL:Awwaww.

BOY:Ehangpusa?

GIRL:Ehdimeowmeow.BOY:Ehangpusoko?GIRL:Ano?

BOY:Ikawikaw.

Hindinamantayonaglalarongtagu-taguanperobakithinahanap-hanapkita?

Mag-exchangegifttayo?Akinkaatsaiyonamanako.

Pwedebakitangsabayanpauwi?Kasisabisaakinngmagulangko,"Followyourdreams.”

Testpaperkaba?Nauubosnakasioraskokakatitigsa’yo,ayantuloybabagsaknayataakosa’yo!

31

Dilimkaba?Kasinangdumatingka,walanaakongmakitangiba.

Alammoba,angbigas,gasolina,pamasahe,tuitionfee,isda,karne,lahatsilanagmamahalan?Tayonalangkayaanghindi!

Pangalanmopalangkinikilignaako,paanokayakungmagka-apelyidonatayo?

Oklangakongmahilo,bastasaiyolangiikotangmundoko.

Dalawangbeseslangnamankitagustongmakasama:nowandforever.

Dahilisaakongjudge,pwedekitanghatulannghabangbuhaynapagkakakulongsapusoko.

Kungangmgabagayaymakapagsasalita:

"Youneverknowwhatyouhaveuntilyouloseit,andonceyouloseit,youcannevergetitback.”—Snatcher

"Ginawakonamanlahatparasumayaka.Mahirapbatalagangmakuntentosaisa?Bakitpalipat-lipatka?”—TV

"Kapagnagmamahalakolaginalangmaramingtaoangnagagalit!Walabaakongkarapatangmagmahal?!”—Gasolina

"Pinapaikotmolangako.Nagsasawanaako.Mabutipangpatayinmonalangako.”—Electricfan

"HindilahatngmaasimmayvitaminC.”-Kili-kili

"Hindilahatngbumabakatsadamitaynakakaakit.”—Bilbil

Canyourecommendagoodbank?KasiI’mplanningtosaveallmyloveforyou.

ASUKALKA,AKOAYSAGO

Hiritngmag-boyfriend:

Boy:Parakangpangalanko.Girl:Bakitnaman?

Boy:Pagnawalaka,sinoako?

Girl:Saantayomagde-datesaValentinesDay?Boy:Sasementeryo?

Boy:Bakitdun?

Boy:Paramapatunayankongpataynapatayakosayo.AtpumuntangasinaBoyandGirlsasementeryoparamag-ghosthunting.Habangnaglalakadsilasapinakamadilimnabahagingsementeryo,biglangnapasigawsiBoy.

BOY:Naku!Hala!Naramdamanmoba’yun?!GIRL:Alin?!

BOY:Namahalkita.

Pedicabkaba?

PEDICABangi-datesaValentinesDay?

Angpag-ibigkosa’yoayparangLANGKA.LANGKAtupasan.

Kili-kilikaba?Malapitkakasisapusoko.

Angloveayparangbayadsajeep.Minsanhindinasusuklian.

Angsabinila"Anappleadaykeepsthedoctoraway.”Kungguwapoomagandaangdoctor,ayokonangapple

Pwedebangmagpa-bloodtest?Paramalamanmonatypekita.

Gustokitangkasuhanngtrespassing.Basta-bastakanalangpumapasoksapusoko.

Empleyadokaba?Empleyadorinako.Pwedetayongmagkaroonngunion.

36

Angrelasyonayparanggubat.Madalasmayahas.

38

WEAPONIZINGSOCIALMEDIA

Thecampaignperiodhasbegun.Allkindsofcharacterswanttorunforpublicoffice.We,the52millionFilipinovoters,areboredwiththeirantics.Weareaghastattheirresumes.Someofthemarenotevenhighschoolgraduates.Theyresorttoallkindsofcheapgimmickry,hopingtoprovideentertainmentforfree.Theyshouldnotbecalledcandidates;theyshouldbecalledclowns.

InthePhilippines,politicsisdominatedbytwokindsofclowns:richclowns;andpoorclownshopingtobecomerich.Fortunately,weareatthecuspofanewominouswaveofchangeinthepoliticalbeach.Thiswaveiscalledthesocialmedia.InthePhilippines,nobodyknowshowtocontrolormanagesocialmedia.Richclownsusedtobribepressandbroadcastjournalistssothattheycouldgainaddedillegaladvantageovertheircompetitors.Butnow,therichclownsarebeginningtodiscoverthatitisnotpossibletobribetheleaders,muchless,allthenetizensincyberspace.

IfthefirstEdsarevolutionwasa"Xeroxrevolution”,andifEdsa2wasa"textrevolution”,

thenthenextrevolutionagainstpoliticalcorruptionshouldbecalledthe"Netrevolution”.

TheidealUPstudentalwaysgivestheworldashock.Iaskeachoneofyoutogivethemindlesspoliticalcandidatesashock,bydemotingTV,which4o

usedtobethekingofpoliticaladvertising,andinsteadelevatingaspoliticalcampaignweaponsthetabletandthesmartphone.

Intermsofsocialnetworkuse,thePhilippinesisrankedamongthetopcountries.Thiscouldbetheprecursoroftheparticipatorydemocracyofthefuture.Facebookisthepremiersocialmediaserviceintheworld.Twitterisanonlinesocialnetworkingandmicro-bloggingservice.YouTubeprovidesaforumforthedistributionofvideocontent,particularlyeyewitnessfeaturesofpoliticalprotests.Facebook,Twitter,andYouTubearetheso-calledbigthreesocialmediaservices.Theseservicesenablelargenumbersofpeopletobeeasilyandinexpensivelycontactedviaavarietyofservices.

Socialmedialowerstraditionalsocio-economicbarrierstocommandingthespotlight.Thepoweroftherichpoliticiansbecomesmoreporousandthepoliticalwarlordshavelesscontrol.Ithasbeensaidthattextmessaging,Facebook,Twitter,YouTube,andtheInternethavegivenrisetoareservoirofpoliticalenergy.Digitaltechnologiesenforcetheformationandactivitiesofcivilsocietygroups:mobs,movements,andcivilsocietyorganizations.

CHALLENGETOUPSTUDENTS

TheidealUPstudentisnotinterestingperse.Whatisinterestingiswhattheidealstudentdoeswithhis

lifeaftergraduationfromUP.Asarule,anyUPgraduatewillalwaysbecharacterizedbyacademicexcellenceandbythecouragetotakesocialjusticetothenextlevel.Ifyouaretoserveyournation,Iamheretotestifythatitwillbearough,contentious,andspirit-crushingjourney.

ButasatrueUPgraduate,IinsistthatIhavearoletoperform.Thisroleistostandasoneofgazillionbricksinthecathedralofgovernance.NoonewillremembermeifIsuddenlydropdeadtomorrow.Butgenerationsafteryouandme,wouldbeabletoputbehindthemthecultureofcorruption,andbuildanewshiningnationwithleaderswhoareneitherdazzledbythematerialworld,norconfusedabouttheirpurposeinlife.

Hence,Ihaverisenfrommysickbedtoissueyouthischallenge:ForGod’ssake,savethiscountry.Usesocialmediaduringthisthree-monthcampaignperiodtoensurethatourpeopleshallbeledtochoosedeservingnationalleaders.Allowmetomakesomerecommendationsonhowtoweaponizesocialmediaagainstthecorrupt,theclueless,andtheclowns.IamparaphrasingfromanarticleintheNetissuedbyCraftMediaDigitalandwrittenbyBrianDonahue.

Weaponizesocialmediaduringthecampaignbyprovidingcontentthatnotonlyinforms,butalsoentertainsandmotivates.Youneedtodevelopskillsincreativedesign,emotionallyrivetingvisuals,andcontentthatinspiresaction.Wecannotweaponizebysimplyissuingastatement,anewsletter,oraFacebookpost.Weneedtoenlisttheworkofmoregraphicdesigners,creativewriters,videographers,andmusicians.

Weaponizesocialmediaduringthecampaignbyembracingtargetedmessagingstrategies.Youcannotrelyonsingle-issuenationalmessaging.Youhavetosendcustommessagestospecificaudiencesonline.Itissaidthatintoday’sdigitalage,dataisthemostpreciouscommodity.HookupwithmathstudentsintheDilimancampus.Askourmathscholarstobuildalgorithmsformatchingdata.Thiswilldevelopdemographicmodelsthatwillhelpyoutoidentifyvaluablevoterbehavior.Forexample,refertoFacebookOpenGraph.

Weaponizesocialmediaduringthepoliticalcampaignbydeliveringcontentsoengagingthatindividualnetizenswillbemotivatedtoshareit.I

seeinthecurrentcampaignthatthemostegregiouserrorofthecandidatesisthattheytreatsocialmediaasifitwereTVorradio,wheretheysimplytransferinformationtothemasses.Thestrengthofthewebisinformationsharingamongsocialnetizens.

Weaponizesocialmediainthepoliticalcampaignbyacceptingthatthefutureofpoliticalwarfarewilltakeplaceonline.Forexample,acomparativedatabasethatprovidesinformationoneachcandidate’sage,residence,highestacademicdegree,andhighestprofessionalachievement,wouldbeasufficientcounterbalancetothetendencyofthelowmiddle-classvotertosellhisvoteortovoteforthecutepersonality.

Socialmediashouldbeusedasashowcaseforintangiblemovementorenergy,andamediumofinformationtomotivatepeopletovotefororagainstaparticularcandidate.

Conclusion

Ishareoneunbreakablelinkagewithyou.AtonetimeIwasyourageandlikeallUPstudents,Iwantedtochangetheworld.MaybeIhave.Buttheworldalsochangedme.NowIamoldenoughtohaveseentheworldandhaveallmyillusionsshattered.AmIdisillusioned?No,becauseasthepoetsaid:Thoughmuchistaken,muchabides;andthough

WearenotnowthatstrengthwhichinolddaysMovedearthandheaven,thatwhichweare,weare;

Oneequaltemperofheroichearts,

Madeweakbytimeandfate,butstronginwillTostrive,toseek,tofind,andnottoyield.

Barringpublicdemand,anypersonwhopursuesthepresidencyoutofpersonalambitionmustbesufferingfromabasicgeneticdefect.

(Ina1989magazineinterview.)

IdonotsubscribetotheschoolofthoughtthatIamleadingthepresidentialpollsbecauseofmybeautifulleg

(Aftertoppingmostpresidentialsurveysin1990.)

FirstyousaythatIhaveabrilliantresumeandanimpressivetrackrecord.ButthenyouproposethatIshouldnotrunforpresident,butonlyforvice-president.Clearly,yourconclusiondoesnotfollowyourownpremise.AndyoujustifythisillogicbyclaimingthatIwouldbecheatedbymyrivalsasapresidentialcandidate,soIshouldsettleforbecomingavice-presidentialcandidateinstead.Sir,iftherestofhumankindhadadoptedyourlineofthinking,wewouldneverhavereachedthemoon,scaledMt.Everest,orlearnedtofly.Forinallthesedaringenterprises,peoplewhoshould

haveknownbettersaiditcouldnotbedone.WhenIwenttotheCommissiononImmigrationandDeportationtofightgraftandcorruption,thecynicsalsosaiditcouldnotbedone.Butaperson’sreachmustexceedhergrasp,orwhat’sheavenfor?

WhydidSirEdmundHillaryclimbMt.Everest?Becauseitisthere.WhyamIfightinggraftandcorruption?Becauseitishere!That’swhyI’mrunningforpresident,andfornootherpost.

(DuringanopenforumhostedbytheAssociationofInternationalCollegeWomen,whogaveherastandingovation.)

Sir,IremindyouthatastheCommissionerofImmigrationandDeportation,IrepresentthemajestyoftheRepublicofthePhilippines.Youhavetheobligationtoshowrespectandcourtesytome.Nowshutup,orI’llknockyourteethoff!(Toanaliencriminalsuspectwhoraisedhisvoicetointerruptherduringapressconference.)

Thefixerisapersonwhonominallylookslikeahumanbeing.Buthespecializesincreatingmiseryforothers,inorderthathecanoffertofixitforafee.(ExplainingtothepresswhyshebannedfixersatCommissiononImmigrationandDeportationandorderedtheirmassarrest.)

Anoangpinagkaparehongspermatngmgapulitiko?Parehosilangmayoneinamillionchancenamagingtotoongtao.

Thecabinetisafflictedwithadreadeddisease.Itisknownaslogorrhea,orincoherenttalking.

(AfterthenPresidentCorazonAquinoannouncedaprogramofmeasurestoimprovecabinetperformanceandcutcosts,mostofwhichhadbeenproposedearlierbyMiriam.)

Congressandthecabinetaretalkingatcross¬purposes.WearetrappedinapoliticalTowerofBabel.Ournationalleadersareaccursedbyglossolalia,ortalkingindifferenttongues.(WhentheSenatefirstbegantoopposeheralienlegalizationprogramwhenshewasImmigrationCommissioner.)

Ishallexpectthelandlordstocooperatewiththeagrarianreformprogram.Rightnow,itlookslikeI’mheadedforOneHundredYearsofSolitude.(UponPresidentAquino’sannouncementofherappointmentasSecretaryofAgrarianReform,usingthetitleofaboohfryNobelprizewinnerGabrielGarciaMarquez.)

Someofthemaredevoteestoacultofself-praise.Irefusedtojointhathallelujahchorus!

(Toanewsman’squestionofwhysomeofhercabinetcolleaguesaccusedherofaloofnesswhenshewasSecretaryofAgrarianReform.)

IfeellikeIndianaJonesintheTempleofDoom.

(EnteringCongressforherfirstconfirmationhearingasSecretaryofAgrarianReform.)

IwasaccusedofalmosteverycrimeunderthePenalCode,exceptadultery.Atmalapitnarinkamingdumatingdoon.(Explainingwhyconfirmationshearingscouldbeoppressive.)

Head-bashingisthebeststrategy.SometimesIhavetosplattertheirbrainsonthepavement.(Onthebestwaytofightgraft.)

Whenthegovernmentemployeeispoorandheworksinacorruptagency,hecanresisteverythingexcepttemptation.(AtastudentconvocationattheUniversityofthePhilippines.)

Idon’tmindifasenatordoesnotknowmuchaboutlegislativework,whatImindiswhentheypretendtheydo!Theyreducelegislationtotheleveloftheludicrous.

Holdaper:Holdapito!Akinnaangperamo!

Lalaki:Hindimobaakonakikilala?

Isaakongcongressman!

Holdaper:Kungganoon,akinnaangperanamin!

Mypubliclifecloselyresemblesthepopularscience-fictiontrilogyonscreen,consistingofthemoviesentitled"StarWars,”followedby"TheEmpireStrikesBack,”andendingwith"TheReturnoftheJedi.”

Inseekingtochangethecultureofcorruption,Ihavetofightwilly-nillythesuperstarsofthepoliticalunderworldinthiscountry.AlthoughIamadefiniteunderdog,Iamnotafraidofthosecorruptsuperstars.Thus,thefirstchapterofmylifeshouldbeentitled"StarWars.”BecauseIwasabletoconscienticizethepublicaboutcorruptpolitics,myenemiessoughttoavengethemselves!TheyrefusedtoconfirmmeintheCommissiononAppointments,untilIwasremovedfromtheCabinet.Myenemiespostedthatevilvictory,butuntilnowtheydonotstop.WhenIstartedleadingthepresidentialsurveys,theypaidforadiabolicmediablitzagainstme.Thus,thesecondchapterofmylifeshouldbeentitled"TheEmpireStrikesBack."

Butwehavenotseentheendofthistrilogy.Forlife,Iliketheology,consistsoftheunceasingbattlebetweengoodandevil.Inthemovietrilogy,theforcesofgoodwerecalledJedi,whiletheforcesofevilwere

DEATHTHREATSFORBREAKFAST!

Ieatdeaththreatsforbreakfast!

calledtheEmpire.Ihavenodoubtthat,intheend,theforcesofevilinPhilippinepoliticswilltriumph.Thus,Ipromiseyou,thethirdchapterofourlifetogethershallbeentitled"TheReturnoftheJedi.”

(FromaspeechattheSt.LouisUniversitygymnasiuminBaguioCity,whereover5,000studentsgaveherastandingovation,presagingherphenomenallypopularcampustourofthecountry,andpromptingmediatocallher"thenewcampusheroine.")

Theonlythingwearenotimportingisourpoliticiansbecausethatiswhatwehaveinabundance.

Apersonsufferingfromlungcancerispronetobleeding.Iusedtohavehighpaintolerance,that’swhyI’minpolitics.

Howtotellifapoliticianistellingthetruth:Wheneverhe’scrossinghisarms,hemightbetellingthetruth.Wheneverhe’sstrokinghischin,hemightbetellingthetruth.Wheneverhelooksatyoustraightintheeye,hemightbetellingthetruth.

Butwhenheopenshismouth,heislying.

Corruptpolitician,nagyayabang:Akoangtumulongsamgabusinessmennamagingmilyonaryo!Miriam:Bakit,anobasiladati?

Corruptpolitician:Bilyonaryo.

Ihaverealizedwhycorruptpoliticiansdonothingtoimprovethequalityofpublicschooleducation.Theyareterrifiedofeducatedvoters.

Angsabinggobyerno:Don’tlie.Don’tcheat.Don’tsteal.Don’tselldrugs.Don’tkill.Alamninyokungbakit?Ayawnggobyernongcompetition.

Hindiba,angmgagadgetkapagnagloko,namamatay?Dapatganyandinangmgapulitikongmanloloko,namamataydin!

Question:AnoangresultangIQexamngmgakurakotnapulitiko?Answer:Negative.

WhatisthedifferencebetweencorruptionintheU.S.andcorruptioninthePhilippines?Answer:IntheU.S.theygotojail.InthePhilippines,theygototheU.S.

Corruptofficial:Miriam,kapagnataposangtermko,iiyakkaba?

Miriam:Oonaman.Mapipigilankobaangtearsofjoy?

Pulitikokaba?Anggandakasingmgamatamo.Corruptnangcorrupt.

Maymgakandidatongguiltyngtrespassing.Kumbagasacollegegrades,angnakuhalangnilaay"tres”napassinggrade.

MGAONLINEACTIVITIESNADAPAT

ITURINGNACYBERCRIME:

Wronggrammar.

Prematurecampaigningngmgaepalpoliticians.Photoalbumsnapanaymukhamolanganglaman.Hindiporkebagoanghair-domo,magpopostkanangIOOpicturesngsarilimo.

STUPIDISFOREVER

Pwedebangkasuhanngcybercrimeangkaawaymotuwingmagpo-postsiyangbagongprofilepicture?Nakaka-offendkasi.Ilegaldapatangpagmumukhaniya.

Bakitnaka-schedulesatag-initangkampanyaparasaeleksyon?

Dahilditonapapatunayankunganongklasengpulitikoangnangangampanya.

Kungmatunawsilasainit,ibigsabihinplasticsila.Kungmasunogsilasaaraw,ibigsabihinmapapelsila.Kungmahiligsilangmagbiladsaaraw,malamangbuwayasila.

Nagkaroonngpagkakataonnamagtanongngtig-isangtanongkayGodangmgapresidentengChina,USA,atPilipinas.NaunaangpresidentengChina.Angtanongniya:"God,kailanpomawawalasabansakoangkurapsyonatkahirapan?”SumagotsiGod:"300years,anak.”

UmiyakangpresidentengChina:"Pataynaakobagomangyariiyon!”SumunodangpresidentengUSA.Angtanongniya:"God,kailanpomawawalasabansakoangkurapsyonatkahirapan?”SumagotsiGod:"500years,anak.”58

UmiyakangpresidentengUSA:"Pataynaakobagomangyariiyon!”SumunodangpresidentengPilipinas.Angtanongniya:"God,kailanpomawawalasabansakoangkurapsyonatkahirapan?”UmiyaksiGod.Sabiniya:"Pataytayodiyan.''

Kapagnagsinungalingkasacongressmanosasenador,kakasuhankanangperjury,mayjailtermkapa.Perokapagangcongressmanosenadornagsinungalingsaiyo,ginagawalangnilaangtrabahonila,magkakaroonpasilangbagongterm.

Anoangtawagkapagnagtaponkangbasurasadagat?Sagot:Pollution.

Anonamanangtawagkapagtinaponmosadagatangmgapulitikongkurakot?

Sagot:Solution.

Kapaghindinanaloangine-endorsokongkandidato,paraitongkapenawalangcreameratasukal.Napakapait.

Therewasastudyontheconnectionbetweengovernmentemployeesandthesporttheyplay.Angpaboritongsportdawngmgaentry-levelnagovernmentemployeesaybasketball.

Kapaglowermanagementposition,paboritodawnilaaybowling.

Kapaguppermanagementnaman,paboritodawnilaaytennis.

Angpaboritodawnasportngmgahigh-levelgovernmentofficialsaygolf.

Thestudythenmadethisconclusion:Kapagtumataasangposisyonmosagobyerno,lumiliitangiyongballs.

TopthreenapinakasinungalingnatrabahosaPilipinas:3.Beautician.Sasabihinnilangmagandaangcustomerkahithindinamantalaga.

2.Kundoktorngjeep.Sasabihinnilanadalawapaangkasyakahitpunona.

I.Pulitiko.

Dahilpunonangkasamaanangmundo,pinuntahanngDiyossiNoah,nangayonaynakatirasaPilipinas.InutossakanyangDiyos:"Gumawakaulitngisangarko.ilagaymoditoangdalawangparesngbawathayopsa

60IWASWALKINGONTHEBEACHWHENIFOUNDANOLDBOTTLETHATHADBEENWASHEDASHORE.

mundo.Pagkataposnganimnabuwan,uulanatbabahangapatnapungarawatgugunawinkoangmundo.”Pagkalipasnganimnabuwan,binalikanngDiyossiNoah.NakitaniyanawalangarkosiNoah.

SabiniNoah,"Pasensyana,Lord.Hindikoponataposangarko.Ibanapoangpanahonngayon:Una,kailangankorawpongbuildingpermit.Sunod,nahirapanpoakongmakakuhangkahoynahindigalingsaillegallogging.

Mahalpoangkuryentepanggawangarko,hindipoakomakakuhangdiscountsaMeralco.NahirapanpoakongmakakuhangenvironmentalpermitsaDENRdahilsamgaendangeredspeciesnadadalhinko.

AyawpomaniwalasaakinngPAGASAnamaydadatingnamalakasnaulanatbahadahillumanaangequipmentnila.Pinapa-lifestylecheckpoakongBIR,dapatdawmagbayadakongbuwis.

HindirinpoakomakakuhangfundingsaCongress,hindirawnilagustoyungNGOko.Patawadpo,Lord.Hindikoponataposangarkosaloobnganimnabuwan.”

SumagotsiLord:"Hindikonagugunawinangmundo.Naunahannaakonggobyerno.”

There’sstilladoublestandard.

Theplacewhereawomansellsherselfiscalledahouseofill-reputeorabrothel.

TheplacewhereamansellshimselfiscalledtheHouseofRepresentatives.

Anoangpinagkaibangholdapersapulitiko?Angholdapermagnanakawmunabagotatakbo.Angpulitikotatakbomunabagomagnanakaw.

Oneofthesecorruptpoliticianswentforajobinterviewandtherecruitmentmanagersaid:"We’relookingforsomeonewhoisresponsible.”"Well,I’myourmanforthejob!”repliedthepolitician."Inmylastjobwhenevereverythingwentwrong,theyalwayssaidIwasresponsible.”

Sabingisangsurvey,25percentngmgapulitikodawayumiinomngmedicationparasakanilangmentalillness.Malakingproblemaito.Ibigsabihin75percentayhindiumiinomnggamot.

Mayisangpulitikonalumapitsaisangpsychiatrist.Angsabiniya:"Doc,tulunganmopoako.Tuwingnakakatanggappoakongporkbarrel,hindikomapigilanangsarilikonanakawinito.Nagi-guiltypoakoatnade-depressnangmalalaatmatagaldahildito.”Angsabingpsychiatrist:"Sige,tutulungankitangmagkaroonngself-controlparahindikanamagnakawsataumbayan.”

Sumagotangpulitiko:"Dok,huwagpo!

Gustokongtulunganninyoakoparahindi

naakoma-guiltyatma-depress.”

IsangarawngLinggo,nagsimbaangisangcorruptpolitician.Sabingparisakanyangsermon,"Magbigaykasasimbahanngayonsakabutihanngiyongloob.”Nangnarinigiyonngpulitiko,nagdonatesiyangIOOpesos.Nakitaitongpari.Tinawagngpariang

Ireceivedatextmessagethatsaid:DearMiriam,Don’tvoteforJoker.Heisourenemy.Love,BatmanandRobin

pulitiko."Anopoiyon,Father?”tanongngpulitiko.Angsabingpari,"itoangsuklimo,99pesos.”

Whatweareseeingisanepidemicofpeopleinhighgovernmentofficewhopossesstheepidermisofpachydermsandintestinalfortitudeofanacondas.(Onrecentcorruptionscandalsingovernment.)

Maytatlongdoktor,pinag-uusapankunganongpasyenteangpinakamadalingoperahan.

Sabinguna:"Electricians!Everythinginsidethemiscolor-coded.”

Sabingpangalawangdoktor:"Librarians!Everythinginsidethemisinalphabeticalorder.”

Sabingpangatlo:"Pulitikoangpinakamadali!Theyhavenobrains,noguts,nohearts,andnoballs.”

67

Thepurposeofateacheristoteach,notteachingtoflunkaclass.

Theparadigmaticteacherisonewhoinspiresyoutoreadonyourown.

Question:AnongsinabiniPapayanu’ngtuminginsakanyasiPineapple?Answer:Oyikaw,anongtinitingin,tingin,tingin,tingin,tingin,tinginmodiyan?

Goodnews:Walakanangpimples!

Badnews:Dahilwalanangspace.

Question:Doyouknowwhattheword"floral”means?Answer:"Floral”istheoppositeof"singular.”

Question:Whatisthesingularformoftheword"binoculars”?Answer:Telescope.

Question:Whatisthepluralformoficedtea?Answer:Bottomlessicedtea.

Question:Whatisthepluralformofrice?Answer:Extrarice.

Paanomosasabihinsakausapmonamaitimangkili-kiliniyananghindisiyamagagalit?Ganito:Anobaangginagamitmongdeodorant,Kiwishoepolish?

Hindilahatngsweetayloyalsa’yo.Tandaan,sweetngaangcandy,peronakabalotnamansaplastic.

Question:Paanomosasabihinsaisangbabaenamatabasiyanahindisiyamababastos?Answer:Excusememiss,MangTomasbaanglotionm

Anghomeworkayparangpanliligaw.Sabahaydapatginagawa,hindisapaaralan.

Lawschoolisquiteeasy.It’slikeastrollinapark.PeroJurassicPark.

Doyouwantajobwhereyougettotravelalotandhavelotsofmoneyinyourhands?Pwedekangkonduktorngbus.

Condolencengapala...

Samgataongpataynapataysaakin.

Alamniyobakungbakitlagingbusyangmagagandaatmgaguwapo?Explainkosainyomamaya.Busypaakoe.

Pedro:Gustokongmagingnurseparamakatulongsakapwa.

Jose:Ako,gustokongmagingdoktor,paramakapanggamotngkapwa.

Kiko:Akomayor,paramapagsilbihankoangkapwako.Maria:Gustokongmagingpresidenteparamapaglingkurankoangakingkapwa.

JuanTamad:Akonaman,gustokongmagingkapwa.

Teacher:Class,anonggustoniyongmagingpaglakiniyo?Juan:Gustokongmagingpiloto.

Nena:Gustokongmagingteacher.

Maria:Gustokongmagingmabutingina.

Pedro:GustokonggawinginasiMaria.

Atrueteacherdoesnotterrorizeignorantstudents,becauseatrueteacherknowsthatitishisjobtocureignorance.

Alamniyobaangalamatngbaboy?Minsansasobranggalitko,sinuntokkosailongangisangelepante.Hindinalumakiangmgaanaknya.Sakanyanag-umpisaangkauna-unahangbaboy.

Student:Ma’am,kamustapoanggradesko?Professor:Aba,iha,kasing-gandangbuhokmo!Parangbagongrebond.Bagsaknabagksak!

POLITICALCORRECTNESSFORTEENAGESTUDENTS:

Noonefailsaclassanymore;they’remerely"passingimpaired.”

Youdon’thavedetention;you’rejustoneofthe"exitdelayed.”

Yourbedroomisn’tcluttered;it’s

just"passagerestrictive.”

Thesedays,astudentisn’tlazy;he’s"energeticallydeclined.”

Yourlockerisn’toverflowingwithjunk;

it’sjust"closureprohibitive.”

Kidsdon’tgetgroundedanymore;theymerelyhit"socialspeedbumps.”

Yourhomeworkisn’tmissing;it’sjusthavingan"out-of-notebookexperience.”

You’renotsleepinginclass;you’re"rationingconsciousness.”

You’renotlate;youjusthavea"rescheduledarrivaltime

Paanomosasabihinsakausapmongbabaenamukhasiyanglalakinanghindisiyamasasaktan?Ganito:Uyangkyut-lyutmonaman!Kamukhang-kamukhakangdaddymo!

WHATNOTTOSAYASATEACHER:

Saisangexamination

Student:Ma’am,puwedenggumamitngliquidpaper?Teacher:Angkulitnaman!Sinabinangpadpaperlangeh.

Pagkataposngexamination

Teacher:Okay,timeisup.One,two,three.Comeyourpaperstome!

Pagkataposngklase

Teachertostudents:Okayclass,it’stimetogohome.Formalineandpassoutslowly.

WRONGWORDUSAGES

Laity—HometownniImeldaMarcosanglaity.

Mention—Anglakingbahaynila,parangmention.

Punctuation—Sabingisangbata,

"Daddy,pasukannanextweek.

Kailangankopongpunctuation.”

Tenacious—BeforeplayingtennisIhavetoputonmytenacious.

CurtainandKitchen—Aray!Huwagmokongcurtain.Masa-kitchen.

Subukannatinangtalinoninyo.Usetheword"ANYONE”inasentence.Answer:"Nasaannakayo?BakitniyoakoANYONE?”

Iheardoneofthequestionsinthelastbarexamswentlikethis:ShouldSantaClausbeconsideredacriminal?Theanswerisyes.Heisliableforcrimessuchasillegalsurveillance,unfairlaborpractices,animalabuse,andbreakingandentering.

Lawschoolisquiteeasy.It’slikeastrollinapark.PeroJurassicPark.

Anoangsabinganaknacaterpillarsatataycaterpillar?'’Tay,bilhanmoakongsapatos!”

Sumagotangtataycaterpillar:

"Sipainkitad’yane!”

Paanomosasabihinsaclassmatemonabungi-bungiangngipinniyananghindisiyamagagalit?Ganito:Wow,classmate,anggandanamanngngipin

mo!Parasilangnag-eexam,oneseatapart!

Boss:Whydoyouthinkweshouldhireyou?John:Kasipobagopalangpoako

kayawalapapoakongsungay.

Boss:InEnglish,please.

John:Ah,uhm,wellyouseeI’mbrandnewsoI’mnotyethorny.

Teacher:Usetheword"beautiful”inasentence.

Student:"'Myteacherisbeautiful,isn’tshe?”

Teacher:Thankyou,it’sveryflattering.

Now,translateitinTagalog.

Student:"Anggurokoaymaganda,magandangaba?’

Gardo:Pedro,nahirapankabasaquestionssaexam?

Pedro:Hindinaman!

Cardo:Anggalingmonaman!

Pedro:Nahirapanakosaanswers!

75

STUPIDISFOREVER

Teacher:AnoangsimilarityninaJoseRizal,AndresBonifacio,atNinoyAquino?

Student:Lahatsila,namatayngholiday!

Madalingmagkasakitangmgasexy;angmgacrushngbayan;angma-appealathenyo;angkind,thoughtful,smart,sweet,andmalakasangkarisma.Biglayatangsumamangpakiramdamko,ah.

Hindilahatngnananaloaymagagalingdahilmaynandadaya.

Hindilahatngmatalinoaymataasanggradesdahilmaynangongopya.Hindilahatngartistaaysexydahildinamanakoartista,sexylangtalaga.

GaanokatalinoangestudyantengPilipino?Commonsensepalangnila,IQnangibangsenator.

8o

Alamniyobaangalamatnggiraffe?Minsansasobranggalitko,binigyankonguppercutangisangkabayo.Sakanyanag-umpisaangkauna-unahanggiraffe.

Ladiesandgentlemen:

Iamhappy,despitemychronicfatiguesyndrome,tocometothiscampusoftheLyceumofthePhilippinesUniversityatBatangasCity.Ihaveseveralreasonsfordefyingmydoctorsincominghere:

In2009,CHEDgavetoLyceumthehighestawardforauniversity—theawardofautonomousstatus;

In2012,thePhilippineAssociationofCollegesandUniversitiescitedLyceumforthehighestnumberofaccreditedprogramsinthisregion,andthesecondhighestintheentirecountry;

Andmostimportantofall—LyceumBatangasrivalsMetroManilauniversitiesintermsofpopulation—9,000students,whowillbevotersin

the2016presidentialandsenatorialelections.

Hence,Ihavecomeinrecognitionofthefactthatsomeofyouwillbecomesenatorslikemygoodfriendandmentor,Dr.SoteroH.Laurel.Andatleastoneofyou,Ipredict,likePresidentJoseP.Laurel,willsomedaybecomepresidentofthePhilippines.

WHATISLEADERSHIP?

Leadershipisdefinedas"aprocessofsocialinfluenceinwhichonepersoncanenlisttheaidandsupportofothersintheaccomplishmentofacommontask.”Accordingtoauthorities,leadershiphastwo

dimensions:

Consideration,whichemphasizesgoodrelations.Aleaderisfriendly,approachable,andagoodlistener.

Initiatingstructure,whichstressesbehaviourinvolvedindirectingtheorganizationandhelpingittodefineandachieveitsgoals.Thisdimensionincludestheleader’sabilitytounderstandtheactionsotherscanactupon.

Fromthesetwodimensions,wecanconcludethataleaderperformsthreebasicfunctions:organizational;interpersonal;anddecisional.Thesefunctionsareessentialinthesuccessofaleader.Theyareplayedoutintheleader’sactionsandintheleader’srelationshipwithhisorherfollowers.

TRANSACTIONALV.TRANSFORMATIONALLEADERSHIPTherearetwokindsofleadership:transactionalandtransformational.

Transactionalormanagerialleadershipisaleadershipstylethatpromotescompliancewithexistingorganizationalnormsthroughsupervisionandmonitoredgroupperformanceusingtraditionalrewardsandpunishments.Transactionalleadershipisaneffectivestrategyforprojectsthatmustcloselyfollowstandardstosucceed.Transactionalleadersarealsoespeciallyeffectiveintimesofcrisis,suchas

thesupertyphoonYolanda.

Transactionalleadershipcanbeveryeffectiveintherightsettings.Goodcoachesofsportsteamsaretransactionalleaders.Sportsteamsoperatewithinruleswithverylittleflexibility,andadherencetoorganizationalnormsisthekeytotheirsuccess.Goodcoachesareabletomotivatetheirteammemberstoplayandwin.

Transformationalleadershipfocusesonthefollowers’moraleandengagement,andattemptstolinkthefollowers’senseofselfwithorganizationalvalues.Thisleadershipstylestressesleadingbyexample.Thisisthekindofleaderwhomweshouldelectin2016.IcallonthelegendarycourageoftheBatanguenostorejectanyleaderinvolvedinthePlObillionporkbarrelscandal,andtoreelectsenatorswhoarefightingtoupholdjusticeamongthesuspects,despiteeffortsatblackpropagandabythemastermindintheSenateoftheplunderconspiracy.

Wedonothavetochoosebetweenthesetwokindsofleadership;insteadweshouldusebothofthem.

Thefullrangeapproachofleadershipseekstoblendthebestaspectsoftransactionalandtransformationalleadershipintoonecomprehensiveapproach.Inthisapproach,theleaderusesthesetechniquesfromtransactionalleaders:communicatesclearexpectationsofoutcomesandrewards;givesrewardsandrecognitionforaccomplishments;andactivelymonitorsthefollowers’progressandprovidessupportivefeedback.Atthesametime,theleader,inaccordancewithtransformationalleadership,makesinterpersonalconnectionswithfollowers;mentorsandcoachesothers;solicitsfollowers’ideas;encouragescreativityandindividuality;inspiresotherstoperform;andleadsbyexample.

OTHERLEADERSHIPPERSPECTIVES

Asidefromtransactionalandtransformationalleadership,thereareotherleadershipperspectives,namely,moralleadership,servantleadership,

sharedleadership,andemotionalleadership,amongothers.

Moralorethicalleadershipfocusesonhowleadersusetheirsocialpowerinthedecisionstheymake,actionstheyengagein,andwaystheyinfluenceothers.Aneffectiveleaderinfluencesasubordinate’sattitudeandvalues.Thus,amoralleaderhasmoralinfluenceoverhisorherfollowers.

Servantleadershipisexercisedwhentheleaderisdestinedtoworkforpeopleandthecommunity.Aservantleaderlooksatwhatpeopleneedandaskshowtohelppeopletosolveproblems.

Sharedleadershipmeansthatleadershipisdistributedwithinateam,andpeoplewithinthat

teamleadeachother.

Emotionalleadershipisaprocessthatleadersusetoinfluencetheirfollowersinacommongoal.Leadersinapositivemoodcanimpacttheirgroupinapositiveway.Charismaticleaderscantransmittheiremotionsandinfluencefollowersthrough"emotionalcontagion.”1

DEVELOPINGSTUDENTLEADERSHIPYou—theyouthwhowilldeterminethefutureofthePhilippines—shouldnotonlygetinvolved,butalsoeachoneofyoushouldbealeader.Leadershipisnotaboutpersonality;it’saboutbehaviour—anobservablesetofskillsandabilities.Leadersarenotborn;ittakespracticetodevelopthequalitiesofaleader.Herearesomewaystobealeaderanddevelopleadershipabilities:

Becomeanofficerofthegleeclub,thedebateteam,thestudentgovernment,oryourclass.Juststepup!

Playtoyourstrengths.Getinvolvedinsomethingyouarepassionateabout.

Evenwhenyoudon’thavetheleadrole,youcanstillstandoutbycontributingasateamplayer.Beingateamplayerisalsoavaluableleadershipskill.

Signupformorethanoneactivity.Youdon’t

havetobepresidentofeveryorganizationyoujoin,butitisimportanttobewellrounded.Don’tjuststicktoyourcomfortzone.Taketimetobranchout.Youmightfindahiddentalentyouneverknewyouhad.

Beinvolvedinthelargercommunityoutsideyourcampus.Itshowsthatyoucare,thatyouareversatile,andthatyouwanttomakeadifference.

Goodstudentleaderssharethefollowingcharacteristics:

Integrity.Integrityisthefoundationofleadership,anditisespeciallyimportantforstudentstryingtoestablishthemselvesaslifetimeleaders.Leaderswithintegrityaretrustworthy,honest,andabletoconsistentlyfollow-throughontheirpromises.

Compassionforothers.Adesiretohelpotherssucceedandasimplewillingnesstohelpothersisthemostgenuinetraitofastudentleader.Showingyoucaremotivatesotherstudentstofollowyourexample.

Initiative.Studentleadersstepinwhenhelpisneeded,theyoffersupporttofellowstudents,andtheyovercomepeerpressuretodowhatisright.Studentleadersaretypicallyself-starterswhopushthemselvestosucceed.

Vision.Studentleadersneedtohaveavisionandasenseofpurposetoaccomplishthings.

CONCLUSION:THE2016ELECTIONS

Ihaveonefinalwordonstudentleadership.The2016presidentialelectionswillbeatestofleadershipduringthesedarkdays,theseparticulartimeswhengovernmentisinvestigatingthePlObillionporkbarrelscandal.Aspotentialleadersofourcountry,youshouldpracticeasleadersbyadvisingyourrespectivecommunitiesabouttheporkbarrelscandalinrelationtothe2016elections,asfollows:TheSupremeCourthasdeclaredporkbarrelasunconstitutional.Butduringthetimewhenporkbarrelwasstillalegitimateexerciseofthepower

toreducepoverty,itbecameawidespreadsourceofcorruptionfromnolessthantheleadersofourcountry.Irefertothosewhoareelectedsenatorsandrepresentatives.Thissordidcaseofplunderinourpoliticalhistoryisevidencethatcorruptioniscausedbyatop-downprocess.

Therefore,weshouldnotreelectanysenatorsorcongressmenrunningforreelectionin2016,iftheyareamongthoseagainstwhomtheOmbudsmanwillfilecriminalchargesforplunderormalversationinthetrialcourtknownastheSandiganbayan.Ofcourse,everypersonenjoysapresumptionofinnocence.ButwhentheOmbudsmanconductsthepreliminaryinvestigation,shegoesovervoluminouspapersandotherdocuments,aswellasaffidavitsexecutedbyeyewitnesses.Shehastodothis,becauseunderthelaw,theOmbudsmanwhoistheprosecutorinthiscase,hastoprovewhatthelawcallsaprimafaciecase.ThetermprimafacieisaLatinphrasewhichmeansatfirstsight,oronfirstappearance,butsubjecttofurtherevidenceorinformation.Hence,iftheOmbudsmanfilesacaseagainstareelectionistforplunderintheSandiganbayan,thismeansthatshehasinherpossessionenoughevidencetoallowthetrialcourttoruleinfavorofthegovernment.

Whileallthisinvestigationisgoingon,particularlyontelevisionwhentheBlueRibbonCommitteeconductshearingsandexaminesallegedwitnesses,youwillnoticethatcertainpoliticiansandothermembersofthehighandmightyinsocietyareconspicuousbytheirsilence.Politicianswhopurposelyrefrainfromparticipatinginthenationaldebateontheporkbarrelscandalarepoliticianswhoarecowards,becausetheyrefusetotakeapositionforfearofincurringtheangeroftheguiltyones.Thiskindofcowardiceisanathematoleadership.

Hence,inconclusion,Iurgeyoutogobacktoyourcommunity,andadviseyourrelativesandneighborstorejectpoliticianswhoareconsistentlysilentontheporkbarrelscandal.Silencemeansthattheparticularpoliticianiswillingtomakefriendswithanybody,rightorwrong,corruptorhonest,as

longasthepoliticiancangathervotes.Thisisthemantraoftheunprincipledperson.Inotherwords,thatcandidateisanopportunist.Hedoesnotactoutofconviction,butactsoutofwhatisconvenientforhimself.ThisisthetestIwantyoutoapply,asthe2016electionsapproach.Applythetestofleadershipamongthecandidates.

Inmyview,leadershipisthecouragetotakerisksindefenseofapositionthatisbothlegalandmoral.Thepoliticianwhotriestobecomeawiseguybybecomingfriendstoeverybody—corruptornot—isnotaleader.ThatkindofapoliticiandoesnotdeservetobeinvitedtotheLyceumofthePhilippinesUniversity.

ThatkindofpoliticianIabhoratfirstsight,andthatkindofcrookIwillfighttothedeath,evenifhehasallthemoneyandpowerinourcountry;andevenifhecanaffordtopayanentirearmyofcorruptjournaliststodestroyme,andanentirearmyofpaidassassinstothreatenme.Iwilltakemycouragefromyoupeople—thegreat,thegood,theverybraveBatanguenos

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Ithinkdivorceshouldbeavailabletopeoplewhobecomehomicidalatthesightofeachother.

Asurveywasconductedtofindoutwhatisthefirstthingmenlookatwhenabeautifulwomanpassesby.Accordingtosinglemen—

35%saidtheylookatthewoman’sface;

30%saidtheylookatthewoman’sbreasts;

20%saidtheylookatthewoman’sbuttockswhenshewalksaway;

15%saidtheylookatthewoman’slegs.

But—

IOO%ofmarriedmensaidtheyfirstlookattheirwivestocheckiftheyarelookingatthem.

Menarelikehoroscopes,theyalwaystellyouwhattodoandareusuallywrong.

Asmartwifeisonewhomakessureshespendssomuchthatherhusbandcan’taffordanotherwoman.

Question:Whatisthepunishmentforbigamy?Answer:Twowives.

Itisveryimportantthatyoushouldchoosethepersonyouwillmarryandstaywiththatperson.Therearemanypeoplenowwhobelieveinseriallove,lovingonepersonafteranother.Idon’tthinkthatisgoodforourmentalhealth.Ithinkweshouldgetitoverwith.It’slikemeasles,youknow.Youonlygetitonceinyourlifetimeandyouareimmuneforever.Iamveryhappytosaythatiswhathappenedtome.Iamcompletelyimmunetoanytemptation.AllmenwhohavepassedmylifeafterIgotmarriedmightaswellhavebeensticksoffurniture.

Afterahardday’swork,it’sgreattocomehomeandhavesomeonetoyellat,atthetopofmylungs.

Idon’tsmoke,Idon’tdrink,Idon’tcommitadultery.Ionlytellliestomyhusband.

WhenIgotmarried,Inoticedimmediatelythatthereseemstobearivalrybetweentheegosoftwopeople.So,ifyoujustkillyourego,there’snoproblem.Tofightwithsomeonewho’sgoingtobewithyoufortherestofyourlifeissocounterproductive.

SoIjustsaidtomyhusbandonourhoneymoon,"I’llgomyway,andyou’llgomyway.”

Ifyouareinarelationship,stoptryingtofigureoutwhowearsthepantsbetweenthetwoofyou.Relationshipsworkbestwhenbothofyouarenotwearingpants.

Thereisarecentstudythatmorethan60percentofmarriedmeninMetroManilaareunfaithfultotheirwives.Thisisbecausetheremaining40percentbringtheirmistressestotheprovinces.

Scientistshavediscoveredafoodthatdiminishesawoman’ssexdriveby90percent.Angtawagdoonayweddingcake.

Fivetipsforahappyman’slife:

Haveagirltohelpyouatwork.

Haveagirltotakecareofyou&loveyou.Haveagirlwhocanmakeyoulaugh.Haveagirlwhospoilsyou.

Lastly,andmostimportantly,Siguraduhinnahindimagkakakilalaangapatnababaengiyon.

Acoupleislyinginbed.

Themansays:"Rightnow,forthisWomen’sDay,Iamgoingtomakeyouthehappiestwomanintheworld!’’Thewomansays:"Ohdear,Iwillmissyou!”

Marriagesaremadeinheaven.Butthenagain,soarethunderandlightning.

Aftermarriage,husbandandwifebecometwosidesofacoin—theycan’tfaceeachotherbuttheystillstaytogether

Marriageiswhenamanandawomanbecomeasone.Thetroublestartswhentheytrytodecidewhichone.

Beforemarriage,amanwilllieawakeallnightthinkingaboutsomethingshesaid.Aftermarriage,hewillfallasleepbeforeshefinishestalking.

Theysaywhenamanholdsawoman’shandbeforemarriage,thatislove.Aftermarriage,thatisself-defense

Marriageislove.Loveisblind.Therefore,marriageisaninstitutionfortheblind.

Marriageisnotaword.Itisasentence—alifesentence.

Husband:Love,maytaningnaangbuhayko.

Hulinggabikona’to,let’smakelove.Wife:Heh,tumigilkanga!Maagapaakonggigisingbukas,butiikaw,hindina!

Husband:Paratinalangtayonag-aaway!Maghiwalaynalangtayo!

Wife:Sige,maghatitayongmgaanak!Husband:Akinangmgaguwapoatmaganda!Wife:'Sus!Pinilipayunghindikanya!

AnosaTagalogang:"EatAllYouCan,don’tbeshy,feelathome!”

Sagot:"Kainlangkayongkain,walanghiyakayo,pakiramdamnyobahaynyoto!”

Theworstthingaboutbeingmarriedishavingtotoleratethebodynoisesofyourspouse,especiallyasyoubothgrowolder.

Advantageatdisadvantagengmay-asawa:

Advantage:Pagkailanganmo,nandiyanagad.Disadvantage:Pagayawmona,andiyanparin!

Atacocktailparty,onewomansaidtoanother,"Aren’tyouwearingyourweddingringonthewrongfinger?”Theotherwomanreplied,"Yes,Iam.Imarriedthewrongman.”

Marriage:acommunityconsistingofamaster,amistress,andtwoslaves,makinginall,two.

Whenthehusbandsays,"Akoangtigassaamin.”Hereallymeans:"Akoangtigas-saingngkanin,tigas-sampaynglabada,tigas-samasapalengke,attigas-sundosaeskwelangmgabata.”

Whenthehusbandsays:"GagawinkokahitayawngMisisko.”Hereallymeans,'"Gagawinkongmaghugasngpinggankungayawniya,gagawinkongmaglabakungayawniya.”

Whenthehusbandsays,"Kapagsinabikonghiwalay,HIWALAY!”Hereallymeans,"Hiniwalaykonaangputisade-koloratbakakumupasanglabada.”

Whenthehusbandsays,"Lahatngutoskoaypasigaw.Hereallymeans,"Hoy,pakibilisanmonamaniyangkape,please,atginiginawnaakoditosalabahan!”

Adiksadroga:Payagkanabangmagpakasalsaakin?Babae:Oo,perooklangbasaiyokungmeronakongpast?

Adik:Oklang,walanamanakongfutureeh!

Wife:Ibilimonamanakongbagongbra.Husband:'Wagkanamag-bra,maliitnamanboobsmo,eh.

Wife:Eh,bakitikaw,nagbi-brief?

Husbandsays:WhenI’mgoneyou’llneverfindanothermanlikeme.Wifereplied:WhatmakesyouthinkI’dwantanothermanlikeyou?!

Wife:MyhusbandandIhavewhathecallsOlympicsex.Friend:Wow,youmustbehavingaterrificsexlife!Wife:Notreally.Itonlyhappensoncein4years.

Mayisanghusbandnaproudnaproudnamayanimnaanaksilangmag-asawa.Sobrangproudsiyanaanglagingtawagniyasawifeniyaay"MotherofSix.”Peronai-inisangwifeniyatuwingsasabihinitonghusbandniya.Nangminsanpagkataposnilangkumainsaisangmataongrestaurant,malakasnasinabinghusbandsawifeniya,"Umuwinatayo,MotherofSix!”Sumagotdinnangmalakasangwife,

"Sige,tayona,FatherofFour!”

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Kapagsinabisaiyongboyfriendmonananlalamignasiyasaiyo,buhusanmonggasolinaatsilabanmo.

1o6

Mymanagementstyle?Spiritualfortitude,intellectualscholarship,and,(smiling)ifallelsefails,physicalviolencemightprovesalutary.(AfterwinningtheMagsaysayAwardforgovernmentservice.)

Theywerenotonlyrebellious,theyweremalicioustoboot.NaturallyIgotmad,butIrestrainedmyself.No,Ididnotthrowachairatmyemployees.(Laughing)TheaccuratestatementisthatImayhaverearrangedthefurniture.(AfterscoldingafewgovernmentemployeeswhodeclaredtheirintentiontohaveherremovedasImmigrationCommissioner.)

I’mveryresults-oriented,andIdohaveakamikazeattitude.Idon’tcareifIgodowninflames,aslongasmyenemiesandIgodowninflamestogether.OrmaybeyoucancallittheSamson-in-the-templesyndrome.Idon’tcareifIdestroymyself,aslongasIdestroythetempleofcorruption.Thatwouldbeadefiniteservicetothecommunity,don’tyouthink?

(Inamagazinecoverstory.)

I’msurprisedthephotographerusedthatshot.HeandIhadanagreementthathewouldtakeshotsofmeswimminginthepool.Ifollowedallhisinstructions,exactlyasifIwereatraineddolphin.(Explainingthepublicationinamajornewspaperofhercontroversialphotoinabathingsuit.)

Nandiyanna’yan,kasamasatrabaho.Siguromabutinanganglumabas’yunglitratongyon,dahildiyanmapapatunayannapagsinabikoangvitalstatisticsko,totoo!Patunaynahindiakosinungaling,hindikamukhangmgakalabanko!(Laughingatthesamephoto.)

Ialwaysputmyselfinharm’swaybecausethatiswhereIammosteffective.

EveryFilipinodreamsinhisheartofdoingagreat,magnificentselflessactofsacrificeforthecountry.Inmycase,ItriedforPresidentandIfailed.Maybe,mybestservicetothecountrywouldbeifoneworkingdayIstrapmyselfwithgrenadesandjusthurlmyselfbodilyontothecenteroftheSenateSessionHall.

MyfavoritepoetessisEmilyDickinson.Shewasarecluse.I’dlovetobearecluse,butIhavetobefamousbeforeIbecomearecluse.Otherwise,I’dsimplybecalledAnonymous.

Publicopinionisuntrustworthy.Itisalsomerciless,pitiless.Iamneverallowedtohaveanoffday.WhenIspeak,Imustalwaysbebrilliant.IcanneverhaveadaywhenIcansounddumblikeeverybodyelse.

Excuseme,I’mnotablushingbride.I’maveteranwife.

Allowmetointroducemyself.IamtheUPgraduatewhohas,inamodestway,focusednationalattentiononthepoliticalmaladyknownaslogopaedics,thebranchofmedicinethatdealswithspeechdisabilitiesandtheirtreatment.Kasiangibangtaosaimpeachmenttrial,hindimarunongmagsabingtotoo,kayabinibigyankosilangspeechtherapy.(CommencementspeechbeforetheU.P.CollegeofMedicinegraduateson20May2012attheU.P.TheaterinDilimancampus.)

AstheauthoroftheReproductiveHealthbillintheSenate,Iampreparingmybattlegear.AftertheSONA,

wewillbereadyforashootout.IampreparingmyNavySealsandmystealthbomberssothatwecanrescuethepeoplewhoaresufferingfromfortressmentality.

Iwenttoseeapulmonologistandthenshesaid,"I’msorrybutyouhavecancer,”andIsaid,"Yes!”becauseIwantedachallengeinmylife.

IfIdonotdieofcancer,orifIdonotdiefromthemedication,Iwilldiefrommakingaliving,becausethesecancerpillsaresoexpensive.

IfeellikeIamgoing,going,andsoonbegone.Justcallmethedisappearingsenator.(Miriamonhercancerillness.)

Yes,Iamintellectuallyarrogant.Allintellectualsareentitledtobearrogant.That’stheonlywaytheycaneducatethenon-intellectual.Inggitlangsila.

I’dnormallysitinfrontwhereIworshipmyprofessor.I’dstarewithlovestruckeyes,takedowneverythinghesaysandIdon’tevenbreathe.That’showIgottobeascholarbecauseallmyprofessorsknewthatIadoredthem.

(Miriamrecountingherstudentdays.)

PeoplewouldbesurprisedtofindoutIdon’tscreameveryday.

Iresorttothismischievouswayofthinkingmaybetorelaxtheneuronsinmybrain,especiallywhenIfightwithsomeonewithnoneuronswhatsoever.

WalkaroundnakedinMetroManila.Iwouldwalkaroundnakedanddisplaymyselftothegeneralpublicandsay,"Areyouhappynow?”(Answertothequestion:Iftherewerenorulesinyourlifeforonedayandyoucouldbeoutrageous,whatwouldyoudo?)

Hindinamanakomatabaeh.Infact,I’msosexythatitoverflows.

Walanamantalagangpangit,sadyangnasobrahanlangakosaganda.

Kakatanggapkolangngakingmedicalresults.Maysakitdawako.Habangtumatandaako,gumagandadawako.Don’tworry,hindiitonakakahawa.Iyonngalang,hindinadawakogagaling.

Ineverwantedtobeawarrior.Iwantedtobeascholar.Iconsidereveryactofevilapersonalchallenge.

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LESSONSOFLIFE

Nothingmattersmoretothefutureofthisnationthantoensurethatouryoungwomenandmenlearntobelieveinthemselvesandtobelieveintheirdreams.Ibelieveoneofourcountry’smostpricelessassetsistheidealismofouryoungpeople.Mygenerationhasinvestedallthatithas—notonlyitslove,butalsoitshopeandfaith—inyourgeneration.

Hence,allowmetosharewithyouwhatlifehastaughtme,andintheendtoencapsulateforyouthemeaningoflife.First,lifeteachesusthat,whetherweperceiveitaspredestinedorrandom,itisbeyondanyperson’scontrol.Humanbeingshaveinhabitedthisplanetforonly250,000yearsor.0015percentofthehistoryoflife,thelastinchofthecosmicmile.Theearthworkedperfectlywellwithoutusforbillionsofyears,anditwillcontinuetodosoevenwhenwearegone.Thisfactmakesourexistenceseemmorelikeahappyaccidentthanacarefullythought-outplan.

Thesecondimportantlessonthatlifehastaughtmeisthis:thereisnotemplateforthemeaningoflife.Instead,themeaningoflifeiswhatyouchoosetomakeitmean.Lifeistheconsequenceofourmoralchoices.

AMEANINGFULLIFE

Whilethereisnoblueprintforthemeaningoflife,thereiscountlessresearchonwaystohaveamoremeaningfullife.Therearethreewaystomakeyourlifemoremeaningful:

First,getconnected.Whileabusysociallifewithlotsoffriendsmayhelpkeepyouhappy,itisthedeeper

relationshipswithlovedonesthatwilltrulyaddmeaningtoyourlife.

Second,donotshyawayfromstress.Thethingsthataddthemostmeaningtoourlives—ahigh-pressurejoborcaringforalovedone—areoftenthesamethingsthataddthemoststresstoourday-to-dayexistence.However,takingtheeasyroadisnotalwaysthebetteroption.Thebiggestchallengesinlifeoftenleadtothebiggestgainsinthelongrun.

Third,findasenseofpurpose.Studiesshowthatpeoplewhospendmoretimepursuingactivitiesthatreflectedtheirsenseofselfwerethepeoplewhofoundtheirlivesmoremeaningful.Alifefilledwithmeaningislinkedtodoingthingsthatexpressandreflecttheself.

PREPARINGFORASEANINTEGRATION

YourschoolauthoritieshaverequestedmetotalkonASEANintegration.Integrationmeansthatasarule,everyASEANcountrywilltreatpeopleandproductsfromanycountryinthewholeASEANregion,asiftheyarethepeopleandproductscomingfromthecountryitself.Thus,integrationwillmeanthatinASEANamongourselveswewillpaylesstaxes,lesscustomsduties,andlessimporttaxes.TheASEANcountrieswillformtheequivalentofwhatusedtobecalledthe

EuropeanCommonMarket,andwhatisnowcalledtheEuropeanUnion.AllseparateneighborswillbecomeboundtogetherintoonewholecalledASEANCommonMarket,witheachcountryentitledtoequalparticipationandmembership.

In2003,thetenmember-statesoftheAssociationofSoutheastAsianNations(ASEAN)—thePhilippines,Brunei,Cambodia,Indonesia,Laos,Malaysia,Myanmar,Singapore,Thailand,andVietnam—agreedtointegratetheireconomies.In2007,theleadersoftheASEANcountriesapproveda"blueprint”toguideeachmemberoninitiativesandmeasurestoachieveregionalintegrationwhichisscheduledfor2015.

ASEANintegrationwillallowthetencountriesandoverhalfabillionpeopletoparticipateinthefreeflowofgoods,services,labor,capital,andforeigninvestment.

Ultimately,integrationwillfostergreatercooperationandhealthycompetitionintheregion.

TherearemanyadvantagesofASEANintegration.Oneadvantageistheopeningupofjobmarketsintheregion.WhilemanyFilipinosalreadyworkinotherASEANcountries,theprocessoflookingforjobsabroadwillbemadeeasierbytheintegration.Butthisalsomeansthatthejobmarketwillbefiercer.FilipinoswillhavetocompeteagainstapplicantsfromotherASEANnations.However,wehaveanadvantagebecausewearehighlyadaptable.Wecaneasilyadapttomulticulturalworkplaces.OurcommandoftheEnglishlanguageis

alsoanadvantageoverourASEANcounterparts.

Anotheradvantageistheregionalcommunityapproachtointegrationofeducationintheregion.TheK-to-I2programhasbeeninstitutedtomakePhilippineeducationcomparabletotheASEANandtherestoftheworld.TheacademiccalendarsynchronizationofASEANuniversitieslaysthegroundworkforincreasingstudentandfacultymobilitywithintheregion.OnlythePhilippinesstartsitsacademiccalendarinJune.MostuniversitiesinChina,Korea,Japan,andNorthAmericastarttheirclassesinAugustorSeptember.

ThisintegrationisthemainreasonwhysomePhilippineuniversitieshavesynchronizedtheirschoolcalendarsin2014withthoseoftheircounterpartsinotherASEANcountries.ThesynchronizationoftheacademiccalendarofPhilippineuniversitieswithmostASEAN,European,andAmericanacademicpartnerswillcreatemorejointprogramsandpartnershipswithotheruniversitiesandallowstudentstogettransfercreditsfromdifferentuniversitiesintheASEAN.

LPULagunaisaheadofthecurvewithrespecttotheASEANintegration.Youhavethefollowingdesirableassets:experiencededucatorsandmentors;internationallyresponsiveacademicprograms;andabeautifulandworld-classcampusconducivetolearning.Allthesemakeyouextremelyattractivetoforeignstudentsandscholars.

CONCLUSION

Inconclusion,allowmetorecitesomestanzasfromthepoem"WhatILiveFor:”

Iliveforthosewholoveme,

Whoseheartsarekindandtrue-,

FortheHeaventhatsmilesaboveme,

Andawaitsmyspirittoo;

Forallhumantiesthatbindme,

ForthetaskbyGodassignedme,

Forthebrighthopesyettofindme,

AndthegoodthatIcando.

IlivetohailthatseasonBygiftedonesforetold,

Whenmenshalllivebyreason,

Andnotalonebygold;

Whenmantomanunited,

Andeverywrongthingrighted,

ThewholeworldshallbelightedAsEdenwasofold.

Iliveforthosewholoveme,

Forthosewhoknowmetrue,

FortheHeaventhatsmilesaboveme,Andawaitsmyspirittoo;

Forthecausethatlacksassistance,

Forthewrongthatneedsresistance,Forthefutureinthedistance,

AndthegoodthatIcando.IStephenJayGouldonthemeaningoflife.htlp://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/20i2/og/17/the-meaning-of-life/

2http://news.health.com/20i4-/Ol/22/5-ycays-to-have-a-more-meaningful-life/

3"IsthePhilippinesReadyforASEANEconomicIntegrationin2015?”.BusinessJournal.AmericanChamberofCommerceofthePhilippines,Inc.,October2013.

PhotobyMenchitOngpin

MIRIAMDEFENSORSANTIAGO

ResumeAugust2014

GLOBALFAME

Sheearnedthedegree,DoctorofJuridicalScience,intheUnitedStates.Dr.MiriamDefensorSantiagoisagloballyfamouspersonality,becauseofherlegalbrillianceandcourageousexampleinfightingcorruption.Inanationwheremanypublicofficialsarechargedwith,orsuspected,ofplunder,herhonestyshineslikealightinthedarkness.

ShehasbroughthonortothePhilippinesinseveralways.SheisthefirstFilipinoandthefirstAsianfromadevelopingcountry,tobeelectedintheUnitedNationsasjudgeoftheInternationalCriminalCourt.TheICChearscasesagainstheadsofstate.Thus,sheputthePhilippinesontheglobalmapinthe21stcentury.Unfortunately,graveillnessforcedhertowaivetheprivilegeofbeinganICCjudge.

Fortwoyears,shesufferedfromchronicfatiguesyndrome.InJune2014shewasdiagnosedwithlungcancer,stage4(thelaststage).Butwithhersignaturehumorandbravery,shefoughtback,andhercancerhasregressed.Evencancercellsareafraidofher!

ShewaschosenaslaureateoftheMagsaysayAwardforGovernmentService,knownastheAsianequivalentoftheNobelPrize.Shewascited"forboldandmoralleadershipincleaningupagraft-riddengovernmentagency.”Shewasnamedoneof"TheIOOMostPowerfulWomenintheWorld”byTheAustralianmagazine.

ACADEMICEXCELLENCE

Dr.Santiagoisoneofthemostintellectuallybrilliantleadersthatourcountryhaseverseen.SheearnedthedegreesBachelorofArts,magnacumlaude;andBachelorofLaws,cumlaude,fromtheUniversityofthePhilippines.ShewentabroadandearnedthegraduatedegreesofMasterofLaws,andDoctorofJuridicalScience,fromtheUniversityofMichigan,oneofthetopthreelawschoolsintheUnitedStates.ShefinishedtheacademicrequirementsforthedegreeMasterofArtsinReligiousStudies,attheMaryhillSchoolofTheology.

InU.P.,theperfectgradeisI.O.Inherlastundergraduatesemester,Dr.Santiagoearnedthenear-perfectaveragegradeof1.1.Andshefinishedher4-yearcourseinonly3-1/2years.AttheUniversityofMichigan,shewasaBarbourScholarandDeWittFellow.Shefinishedhermastersdegreeinonlyoneyear,andherdoctorateinonlysixmonths.

Ourguestspeakerloveslearning.Shehasdonepostdoctoralstudiesallovertheworld,includingOxfordUniversity,CambridgeUniversity,HarvardUniversity,UniversityofCaliforniaatBerkeley,StanfordUniversity,andAcademyofPublicInternationalLawatthePeaceAPPENDIX

Palace(theseatoftheInternationalCourtofJustice),atTheHague,Netherlands.

Dr.Santiagowasclassvaledictorianatalllevels—elementary,highschool,andcollege.ShemadehistoryinU.P.whenshebecamethefirstfemaleeditor-in-chief

ofthefamousstudentnewspaper,PhilippineCollegian,thusshatteringa50-yearoldrecordofmaledominance.ShewonasBestDebaterintheannualU.P.lawdebate,whereshewascaptainofthewinningteam.Itisinterestingthatatthesametimesheheldacampusbeautytitle,notoncebuttwice—asROTCcorpssponsor.

PROFESSIONALEXCELLENCE

Dr.Santiagoholdsanamazingrecordofexcellenceinallthreebranchesofgovernment—judicial,executive,andlegislative.Inthejudicialbranch,shehasbeenpresidingjudgeoftheRegionalTrialCourtatQuezonCity.Intheexecutivebranch,shehasbeenimmigrationcommissioner;andacabinetmember,asagrarianreformsecretary.Inthelegislativebranch,shehasnowbeenasenatorforthreeterms.

Dr.Santiagoworkedabroad.SheservedaslegalofficeroftheUnitedNationsinGeneva,Switzerland.ShealsoservedasaconsultantofthePhilippineembassyinWashington,D.C.

Inallthreebranchesofgovernment,shehasbeenshoweredwithawardsforbeingoutstanding,makingherthemostawardedpublicofficialinourcountry127

today.Forexample,shehasreceivedawardssuchasTheOutstandingYoungMen,orTOYM;TheOutstandingWomenintheNation’sService,orTOWNS;andMostOutstandingAlumnainLawfromU.P.

Dr.SantiagowasaU.P.lawprofessorforsomeIOyears,teachingeveningclassafterofficehours.Shehaswrittensome30books,manyofwhichareveryscholarlytextbooksinlawandthesocialsciences,welladvancedofourtime.Duringherinitialbattlewithcancer,shecontinuedtoworkonthe2014editionofallherlawbooks.Sheisconsideredtheleadingexpertofhergenerationinconstitutionallawandininternationallaw.

InthePhilippineSenatewhereDr.Santiagoisonherthirdterm,shehasfiledthehighestnumberofbills,andauthoredsomeofthemostimportantlaws.Someofhermostimportantpendingbillsare:anti-dynastybill;anactinstitutionalizinganage-appropriatecurriculum

topreventtheabduction,exploitation,andsexualabuseofchildren;anti-epalbill;freedomofinformationbill;andmagnacartaforPhilippineinternetfreedom.Shehasbeenfearlessinexposingandnamingnotoriouscriminalsuspectsinlegislativeinvestigations,particularlyinnamingjuetenglordsandillegallogginglords.

UNQUESTIONEDHONESTY

ItwasSenatorSantiagowhoineffectstartedthenationalplunderinvestigation(whichisnowahistoricscandal).InDecember2012sherevealedthatthesenatepresidenthadusedSenatefundstogiveawaycashgifts.EverysenatorreceivedP2millionasaChristmasgift,takenfrompublicfunds,exceptSenatorSantiagoandtwoothers.Thatscandalledtothenotoriousporkbarrelscandal,forwhichthesenatepresidentisnowsuspendedandinjail,havingbeenchargedwithplunderbytheOmbudsman.

COArecordsshowthather"porkbarrel,”alsoknownasPDAF,wasnevermarredbyanykickback,unlikethoseofhercolleaguesinCongress.Inthreeseparatecases,theSupremeCourthadupheldtheporkbarrelsystemasconstitutional.Sen.SantiagogaveherPDAFto:theUniversityofthePhilippinessystem;PhilippineGeneralHospital;andlocalgovernmentunits.SheneverreleasedherporkbarreltoanyNGO,particularlythoseheadedbythoseguiltyofplunder,whichmeanswholesalestealingofpublicmoneybyacceptingkickbacks,orsimplypocketingtheentiremoney.

AftertheimpeachmentoftheChiefJusticein2012,itwaslaterrevealedthatMiriamwasoneofonlythreesenatorswhorefusedtoreceivetheDAP,amountingtoP50millionforeverysenatorandPlOmillionforeverycongressman.ItwasalsolaterrevealedthatthreesenatorsevenreceivedPlOOmillioneach,aftertheimpeachment.

WhenshewasastudentinU.P.lawschool,onemagazinedubbedher"SupergirlattheStateUniversity.”Sheisprobablythepublicofficialwhosefacehasgracedthehighestnumberofmagazinecovers.Shehasbeenfeaturedbyfamousinternationalpublications,includingTime,theNewYorkTimes,andtheHerald-Tribune.

In1992,theforeignpressreportedthatshehadbeen

electedasPresidentofthePhilippinesafteranationwideelection.However,shewascheated.AstheFilipinossay:"Miriamwoninthevoting,butlostinthecounting.”

Sheisarenownedcelebrity.Likearockstar,sheattractscrowdseverywhere.Sheisthemostsought-afterguestspeakerofuniversitystudents.Sen.Santiagoisawomanofdestiny.ShewillberememberedinPhilippinehistoryasagenuineheroofherpeople.

Shehasbeencalledtheincorruptiblelady,theplatinumlady,thetigerlady,thedragonlady,theironladyofAsia,thequeenofpopularitypolls,andtheundisputedcampushero.Buttohermillionsoffans,sheisbestknownfortheuniquebrandofcharismaticleadershipthatmedialikestocall"MiriamMagic.”

ILLUSTRATORS

ManixAbrera,pp49,75

KayAranzanso,p57

JoseNoelAvendano,pn6

RobCham,pp7,15

DarkChapel,pp11,19,105

RommelEstanislao,pp61,79

FrancisMartelino,pp71,81,97,106

JoselNicolas,pp53,65

CjdeSilva-Ong,pp22,113

ElbertOr,PP33,37

JoshuaPanelo,pp29,38

JuliusVillanueva,p101

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