Table of Contents - Amazon S3 · Gillian brings together a wealth of personal experience and lessons in a ... • Cyber-bullying, academic pressure, peer pressure, addiction and self-harm

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TableofContentsABOUTTHEAUTHOR 3

INTRODUCTION 4

1.THEINFLUENCEOFCHILDREN 7

2.MONEYMATTERS 14

3.UNBALANCEDHOUSEHOLDRESPONSIBILITIES 17

4.LOSSOFPASSIONANDINTIMACY 20

5.INFLUENCEOFFAMILYANDFRIENDS 23

6.UNREALISTICEXPECTATIONSANDDESTINIES 26

7.BEHAVIOURALANDADDICTIONSISSUES 30

1.PARENTINGTOGETHER 34

2.MONEYMATTERS 37

3.SHARINGTHELOAD 39

4.SAFEGUARDINGTHEROMANCE 41

5.MAKINGYOURPARTNER#1 43

6.RESPECTINGVALUES,BELIEFSANDGOALS 45

7.AUTHENTICLIVING 47

AFTERWORD 48

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AbouttheAuthorGillian Andale is a Human Behaviour specialist,

performanceconsultant,visionaryandglobalcitizen.

She is a mentor and consultant for families, withher special niche being couples in second unions andblendedfamilies,whichshereferstoasbonusfamilies.

Hermissionistomentorgrowthandconnectioninfamilies in a fun and experiential way. Particularlyfamilies who want to build more resilience, defy the escalating statistics andthriveintheseextraordinarytimesthatwelivein,whilstcreatingfutureleadersintheprocess.

Gillian brings together a wealth of personal experience and lessons in aprofessionalyetsensitive,caringandfunway.Shedrawsonhermanysuccessfulyears in the business world as an organisational change specialist and projectmanager,aswellasherstudiesinhumanbehaviourandself-improvement.

Asasecondwife,parentofsixyoungadults,andgrandparent,sheconstantlydrawsonbothherexperiencesandthoseofherclientstoempathiseandprovidesoundandpracticaladvice.

Shehasworked inmorethan50countriesandhasheldseniorpositions incompaniesbased in theUK,Bermuda, Singapore,Australia and Italy. Today shesplitshertimebetweenhertwohomesinAustraliaandtheUK.

Gillian is considered a trusted advisor in her field, and when peopleencounterherworktheyexperiencebreakthroughsandareabletoimaginenewpossibilities thatwill change their lives. Shebrings these insights to you in thiseBookasa‘taster’ofwhatispossibleforyou.

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Introduction‘Itisnotpeoplethatbreakourhearts,itisthethingsinsiderelationshipsthatdo.’

RogerHamilton

After extensively researching what causes relationships to fail, I havededucedthatwhilsttherecanbemanyreasons,thereare infactseventhataremostcommon.Icallthese"theSevenHeartBreakers".Theyaretheissuesthatcanteararelationshipapartiftheyarenotresolvedor‘nippedinthebud’.Thisbook will help you to understand these "Heart Breakers" so you can findstrategies that you can use in your life as a means of replacing these oldproblems.ThesenewstrategiesarewhatIcalltheseven"LoveMakers".

Ittakestime,effort,toleranceandaboveallpatienceandunderstandingtomakea strong relationshipworkout.Not everyone sees theworld in the samemanner.Ourviewsandinterpretationsarelargelybasedonourvalues.Asnotwopeoplehaveexactlythesamevalues(iftheydidthenonewouldbesuperfluous),therearealwaysgoingtobetimeswhenpeopledisagreeoncertainthings.Howyou interpret the disagreements in life and project your emotions onto yourpartner will influence how these disagreements will weaken your relationshipovertime.

Inmostcircumstances,these"HeartBreakers"willnotinstantlycauseyoutoloseyourloveortoprovokeadivorce.Itismorelikelythattheywillwearawayatyouoveraperiodoftime;itcouldgoonforyears.Itislikethewavesagainstthesanddunes;onestormdoesn’tchangethelandscapebutifyoucomebackafterafewyearsthenyouwillseethatthepicturelooksverydifferent.Keepgoingandeventuallytherewillbenothingleft.Ifyoucanstoptheproblemsinyourlifefrombeingoverlyprevalentthenyou'llhaveaneasiertimewithpreservingyour loveandpotentiallymakingitstrongerinthelongrun.

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We all have the ability though to replace these heart breakers with newactionsandabettersenseofunderstanding.This isallthroughwhatIcall"LoveMakers." These changes in your life will not happen by accident or overnight.They require some planning, lots of communication and frequent consciousattempts at reinforcement for them to become a habit. It's amazing how nomatterhowoldweareitcantakemonthsorevenyearstolearngoodhabitsandjustasimplemomenttopickupabadone.

Building your Love Makers should be viewed the same way as building astrongerbodyor losingweight. Toreachwhereyouwanttoberequiresactioneveryday. So, ifyouwantastrongandresilientfamilythisrequiresyoutoalsotake daily action and consciously focus on your loved ones as individuals whoneedtobetreatedassuch.

Loveisagreatemotion.Butrememberthatlovetakestimetogrowandnoteveryone in the family will feel that way about each other. Whether that isparents,friends,biologicalchildren,stepchildrenoreveneachother.

Lovealsocontinuallyneedsnurturing,after lovehasgrownandmatured, ithastoowaystogo.Eitheritwillgrowstrongerandmorefulfilling,oritwillbeginthewane and for some shrivel and die. There aremany reasonswhy this canhappenwhicharecoveredinthenextchapters,butthefirstandmostinfluentialone is children. This is ten times greaterwhen these children are not the off-springofbothparents.

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TheSevenHeartBreakers

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1.TheInfluenceofChildrenWhilst children may not destroy a relationship, problems will cause great

strainandheartache,andarethereforethebiggestinfluenceonthephysicalandmentalwellbeing,andplainhappinessofthefamily.

Modern families today,whether nuclear, blended or another combination,face a risk of a generational disconnect. Financial, business and academicpressures, the rapid pace of change, disruptive technologies and societalinfluencesareallcausingacontinuedriseinstresslevelswhichimpactstheentirefamily.Marriage and relationship breakdowns are on the rise resulting inmoresingleparentingandasocietythat,whilstconnecteddigitally, is livingmoreandmore in personal isolation. This is also coupledwith a rise in alcoholism, drugaddiction,physicalandmentalabuseanddeteriorationinmentalhealthacrossallnations.

Feelings of overwhelm, a loss of nurturing, the waning of beliefs and thebreakdown of core values leads to disruptive behaviours that can havedevastating effects. Media, in its many forms adds to the confusion and cancreatenegativeconditioningthatishardtoshakewithoutpropersupport.

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Life seems too busy, no one has enough time and even searching forsolutionscanbecomecomplicatedandstressful.

These challenges make it difficult to retain the traditional role played byfamily and communitymaking it hard to raise healthy, happy childrenwho arefullyequippedtoreachtheir fullpotentialandbecomeeffectivecontributors tosociety.Thisultimatelycreatesadownwardspiralfortheworldinwhichwelive.

Caregiversarelookingforguidance.Thereistoomuchinformation,muchofitconflicting,andnotenoughdirection.Itallbecomestoohardandweretreattooldpatternsofcoping(ornotcoping)andwhatsuffersisourcommunicationandrelationshipwithourlovedonesandparticularlybetweenpartners.

Someoftheproblemsthatcanlowerpersonalandfamilyresilience:

• Therapidandeverincreasingpaceofchange• Workandlifestylepressurescreatingemotionaldisconnect• Familiesbecomingisolated,throughdistanceandoverwhelm• Cyber-bullying,academicpressure,peerpressure,addictionandself-harm• Physicalchangesandneurologicaldevelopmentinadolescence• Identity,characterandpersonalitydevelopmentissues• Mentalhealthissuesinadultsandchildren• Debtandfinancialworries• Relationship breakdowns, divorce and new family dynamics (often now

multi-generational)• Difficultyincommunicatingbetweenthegenerations• Workingcaregivers-resultinginroleconfusion• Externallyimposedexpectations

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Across theworldmentalhealth statisticshave reachedcrisis levelsandarecontinuingtorise:

Thesestatisticsvaryfromcountrytocountrybutareindicative:

• Only40%ofchildrennowhavegoodresilience• Thisdropsto27%inschoolyears10–12• 3perclasshavepoormentalhealth• 25%havesuicidalthoughts(75%ofwhichareboys)• 1in6experienceanxiety• Depressionincreasedby70%inthelast25years• 1in5arebullied• Drugs,teendrinking,sexualactivityarecontinuingtorise.

InAdults:

• 1in9areexperiencinghightoveryhighlevelsofdistressatanyonetime.• Twiceasmanywomenasmenarediagnosedwithanxietydisorders• Substantial numbers of work days are lost due to anxiety, stress or

depression• 78%ofsuicidesaremenoryoungpeopleover15-25• Medicalresearchfundingiswoefullyinadequateformentalhealth• Mental health problems constitute the largest single source of world

economicburdenwithanestimatedglobalcostof£1.6trillion.

Collectively we are seeing whole communities develop lower self-esteemandself-worth.Clashesofvaluesarecausingirretrievableriftsandeveryonejustseemswornout.

Even if the children are both your biological children, don’t underestimatethe influence they have on your relationship. Typically (but not exclusively)daughters are closer to fathers and sons tomothers, even though it should be

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expected that their own gender should be their role model. This can causejealousy, exclusion or even just that annoyance of those knowing ‘looks’ andsharedsecretopinions.Also,itmaybeperceivedthatthereisfavouritismcausingriftsbetweensiblings.

I have a close relationshipwithmy son. Both his own sister andhis step-siblings would accuse him of being the ‘favourite’. Truth was that it wasn’tfavouritism itwas just that he pushedmy buttons less than the others and hecould readme the best, knowing how to act depending on the circumstances.This was something thatmost the other kids just didn’t ‘get’, i.e. that parentshavefeelingsandoffdaystoo!Whenyouseeandunderstandtheuniquenessofeach child you can go a long way to addressing the ‘favouritism’ problem bytalking to it according to their personality and values, so they feel like youunderstandandcareaboutthem.

Ifyoualreadyhaveafamilyandre-partnerthendecisionsaroundwhethertohavemore children needs careful consideration. You need to think about theimpact of having more children on any existing children, as well as yourself.Considerhowyoumightchangeinthenext10-15yearsandhowhavingayoungchildinyourlifewouldimpactit.Ourfocuschangesthroughthedifferentstagesof the lifespectrum,sobringingchildren into thepictureatanystage isahugeshift. This is regardless of howmuch you love and welcome them. But havingchildren later will have the most profound affect. Whether these children areborn or "inherited," the same questions apply.Willwe have the energy?Whatabout the tolerance and understanding or even the desire to keep up with ademanding teen? Is our relationship stable enough not to have a negativeimpact?

If bringing two families together, how different are the children’sbackgrounds, upbringings, value systems, beliefs, interests, personalities andotherkey ingredients? Aboveall,wherechildrenarealreadypartof thefamily,

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the inclusion of a new adult must lead to trust and love, not fear of abuse,disassociationorrejection.Theimpactofwhichwillbetosetupachainreactionandtheirlivesasadultsmaybeplaguedwithlow-selfesteem,lackofrespectfortheirpartnerandpoorrelationships.

Ifyouhavechildrentogetherandyourrelationshipispoor,uncaringorjustthat you don’t really love each other, children canmake an already rocky andunfulfilling relationship even more tenuous as they can play one parent offagainsttheother,creatingmoreconflict.

Thebehaviourof children can create stresson all the family, including thewiderfamily.Badandabusivebehaviour,anxiety,beingwithdrawnwillalltaketheir toll and lead to undesirable atmospheres, arguments, disagreementbetweenparents,riftsinthewiderfamilyandsomuchmore.

Ifyouareastepparentandyouloveyourpartner’schildren,itcanbequitedauntingattimes.Icanpersonallyattesttothat,asIknowfromexperiencethatthe key ingredient tomaking it all work involves planning how you’re going toworktogethertoraisethechildren.Sharetheresponsibilityasevenlyandfairlyaspossibleandfindcommongroundonsuchissuesaseducation,discipline,pocketmoney, the value of nominal rent for young adults, curfews, acceptablebehaviours,spendinghabits(yoursandtheirs)andtheresponsibleuseofmobilephones,television,andtheInternet.

Duringmy research, it amazedme howmany couples did not openly andhonestlydiscusshowtheirfutureliveswouldbewithchildreninthehome.Manydidnotgetbeyondwhatitwouldbeliketohaveababyinthehouse.Whilstthisis understandable, it doesn’t help later when the issues need to be addressedwhenemotionsarerunninghighormisunderstandingshavestartedtoharmtherelationshipsthateveryoneholds.Evenifyoudon’treachacompleteagreementoneverythingimmediately,you'llhaveaneasiertimewithhandlingarelationship

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ifyoucanagreeabasiccommonapproachtoparentingandcommittosupportingeachotherandactingasateam.

There is one good tip worth discussing. At some time during your timetogether,yourpartnerwillsidewiththechildrenandnotyou.Thiscanbearealshockbutatthesametimeitisarealisticissuethatoftenoccursduringsomeofthe toughest times in a relationship, soplanwhat youare going todo about itwhen(notif)itoccurs.

Don’ttakeitpersonally(easytosay,hardtodo)andtrytobephilosophical.Toexpectdifferently,nomatterhowhardyouhavepreparedforit,wouldbeliketrying to change the universe. Parents have the greatest influence on theirchildren’scorevalues.Thesearesetdownintheformativeyearsandwillonlyberefined once the children become truly independent. Therefore, at times yourpartner and the children will see things the same way and will thereforecollectivelynotunderstandwhereyouarecomingfrom.Inaddition,allcreatures,particularlymothers, have it built into their very genes to protect their young.Justacceptthatyoucannotchangenatureandthatstewingonitisonlygoingtomakethebondbetweenallmembersofthefamilyweakerthanithastobe.

WhenStephenand Igot together,werealisedveryquickly that ifanythingwasgoingtobreakusupitwouldbethechildren.Wewerenotwronganditgottobeverycloseat times.Our fiercestargumentshavemostoftenbeenaroundthechildrenortheirbehaviourschallengedourvalues.Whileitcanbecomeeasierto take care of kids after awhile, there are stillmany issues thatwill keep oncomingoutanditwillbenexttoimpossiblefortheseissuestogoaway.

Inthe"LoveMakers"sectionthatwe'llgettolateron,you'llseethatifyouplan your parenting strategies you'll more likely to be a better influence onchildrenandthereforebelesslikelytohavethisbecomeahugeproblem.Aboveall, accepting the impact of children on your relationship and having an opendiscussionwillbethegreatestmeasuretowardsaloving,lastingrelationship.

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2.MoneyMattersThedreadedmoney talk is something thatwealldreadbutusually isn’tas

badwhen itoccurs.Moneyandtheway it isperceived,handledand invested isdefinitelythesecondofthe"HeartBreakers"worthdiscussing.Whetheritistoolittleortoomuch,toomuchspendingorbeingtootight,itcanallleadtoconflict.Oftencouplesareattractedtotheiroppositeswhenitcomespersonalities.CheckoutbothDr.JohnDemartini'sworkandRogerJamesHamilton’swealthdynamicstoseehowwetendtoattractouropposites inordertocompleteourdisownedparts(thepartswearenotsogoodat)andtogrow.

Moneyisprobablythemostobviousareainthesevenareasoflifewheretheoppositesaresoobvious. Never fear though, this isnotaproblem. In fact, it isquitenormal incouplesas longasyourecogniseandacceptthedifferencesandthenagreeonsomethingthatyoucanbothlivewith.

At first it may feel a little awkward to approach the subject, but beliefsaround money will have such a profound impact on your relationship that itwould bemadness not to discuss them openly.Money struggles cause tensionand constant stress. When money is tight there could be disagreements as towherethehighestprioritiesare.Wealwaysfeelthatmoneyrelatedtoourhighestvalues are justifiable expenses, howeverwhere two people are involved itmaymeanthatonlyoneprioritycanbefunded.Toavoidunnecessaryconflict,donot

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spendmoneyuntilyouagreeonhowyou’regoingtospendit.Youshouldatleasttalkabouthowyouaregoingtoearn itandwhatoptionsyouhavetomeettheneedsofyourfamilysoyoudon’tgointodebt.

Soalthoughitmightfeelstrangeorevenmercenarytohavethemoneytalkearly in your relationship, if youwant a happy and respectfulmarriage part ofyourplanningmust involvediscussingyourcash flowandyourattitude towardsmoney.Inaddition,itisimportanttoagreeonyourbudgetlevels,thesplittingoffinancial responsibilities, sharedand/or separate incomesand if youareable tosaveanythingforthefuture.

It is also important to come clean about all pre-existing commitments,especiallydebtrepayments,outstanding loans,andanychildorspousalsupportfromprevious relationships that youmight be paying. You probably have a fairideaofwhatyourpartner’sspendinghabitsarelikealready,butifnotthenyou’llsoonfindoutifyourpartnerisfrugal,generous,orfrivolous.

Discussionsalsoneedtocovertheownershipofproperty,savingsplansoralack thereof, pre-nuptials, wills, investments, tax planning, retirement planningandanyothersubjectthatinvolvesmoney.

Money has such an effect on somany areas of life thatmarryingwithoutdiscussing your respective beliefs and attitudes is like playing financial Russianroulette."Moneytalks"isanoldsayingaboutthepowerofthiselusiveelementinlife,andyouoweittoyouandyourpartnertomakeaconversationoutofit,notamonologue.Youhavemuchtogainandnothingto losesowhynottalkaboutmoney, if thesubject is toohardor isdismissed thenyouneed toaskyourself“willitgetbetterovertheyearsorwillitdriveawedgebetweenus”?

It may not just be your views or concerns aboutmoney that make this aheartbreakerinyourrelationship.Children,ex-partners,familiesandfriendsandtheirattitudestowardsmoneycanhaveahugeinfluencetoo.Sometimesyoung

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childrenmighthaveexpectations,mightneedmoneyspentonthemduetobeinghandicapped,oradultchildrenmightwanttoknowaboutanyinheritanceaswell.

Moneymattersgetexponentiallymorecomplex ifthecouple inquestion isolder and they plan to partner again. The influence of adult children can beenough for parents to forego their own happiness in favour of not "‘denying"theirchildreneventhoughitistheirownhardearnedorinheritedmoney.Manyanewpartnerhasbeen threatened tobe (oractuallyget) thrownoutonto thestreetwhentheirpartnerpassesawayandthechildreninheritthepropertythatthepersonislivingin.

Planningwhatmighthappentoyourmoneyifyoudieisimportantaslovingand supportive children can find themselves being taken advantage of andwithouttheirinheritancesduetounfortunatecircumstancesortheirparentsnotmakingsufficientlegalplanstoprotectthem.

Moneymattersneedtobetackledheadonandwithrealisticsolutionsthatbothpartiescanbuyintoandadhereto.Ifanagreementcannotbereachedthenthere is no point in just leaving it. The issues will surface again and again indifferent forms. Sowork it out as soon as you can, and lifewill be significantlyeasiertobearwithinyearstocome.

In the "LoveMakers" section, you'll learn that aligning your money reallydoesmatter.Thereareanumberofstrategiestolearnaboutthat,iffollowed,willhelptoreducetheconflictthatmoneycancause.

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3.UnbalancedHouseholdResponsibilitiesThe two inevitable things in lifeare said tobedeathand taxes,but I think

there’s a case tobemade for adding a third–housework. There’s noescapingcleaningandchores,evenifyoudon’tdoitallyourselves.Weallhavetodoitinoneformoranother,sohowdoyouhandlehouseholdresponsibilitiestoensuretheydon’tautomaticallyfalltotheonewhocaresthemostaboutcleanliness?

Althoughitisn'talwayslikethat,inmostcasesthewomanistheonewhoisresponsible for handlingmany things in thehousehold.As humourist Evan Esarsaid, "Housework iswhatawomandoes thatnobodynotices.Unlessshehasn'tdoneit."

Research now ranks the sharing of household chores third on the list ofessentialfeaturesassociatedwithsuccessfulmarriages,soit’snosurprisetofindthat something as seemingly trivial as chores can actually contribute to thebreakdownofmarriages.

The unelected Chief Chore Bearer can feel under-appreciated – when herhusbandandchildrenoccasionallynoticethatthehouseissparklyclean,afriendofminereplieswithanarchedeyebrow,“Well,itwasn’ttheCleaningFairy!”

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Fortunately, itdoesn’thave tocomedowntoamatterofwhocanbear tolive in themost filth (acontestyou’realmostcertain to lose). It shouldbea loteasiertomanageifyoujusttakethetimetosortitoutfromthebeginning.Ifyouwantatruepartnershipandahappyhomethendon’t ignorethisaspectof life.Lettingonedoallthechorescreatesresentmentinthe‘doer’,complacencyanddisregardintheslackerandmanymoreproblemsdowntheroad.

If culturally it is not traditional for theman of the house to helpwith thehouseworkandchores,thenifhetrulycaresforhispartnerhewillbewillingtolook for ways to reduce the heavy workload and share some of the burden.Dependingonwhoislivinginthehouse,finances,personalhealthandavailabilityoftime,gettinginvolvedintheorganisationshowstrueloveandsupportfortheirpartner.

Belowaresomeoptionstotrytospreadtheworkload,ifoneofthepartnersisahomemaker(i.e.doesnothaveascheduledjobtogoto)thenthebalanceofdutieswillbevastlydifferenttohavingtwoworkingpeople:

• Try dividing the chores and duties according to skills people have, howapplicable these are and who is best fit to do things. Keep the timecommitmentrelativelybalanced;youdon’twanttooffsetyourtwohourscleaningthebathroomwithhistwominutesoftakingouttherubbish.Andwhynottrydoingcertainchorestogether?"Manyhandsmakelightwork,"andthey’llbedoneinlessthanhalfthetime.

• If you can afford it, why not delegate and outsource as much work aspossible?Therewillstillbeasmallamountof leftoverdomesticdrudgery,but itwillbemuchsimplertoshare. Ifyoucan’tagreeonsplittingchoresandyouhavethecashtoaffordoutsidehelpthenthisisagreatoption.

• Ifsomedomesticdutiesareunbalancedthenyoucaneventhingsoutwithadministrativechoreslikepayingthebills,lookingafterchildrenorparents

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or community activities. One person might be in charge of dailymaintenanceneedswhile theothermakesup for itwithperiodic intenseactivities,suchasdoingthetaxesreturnorhouseholdactivities.

Also,let'snotforgettheothermembersofthehousehold.Theremaywellbemismatchedexpectationsbetweenthechildrentoo.Notincludingchildreninthedaily operations of the household can lead to ‘helicopter’ parenting and lowerresilienceinchildren(ofallages).

Weallgrowthroughthechallengeswehavetoface.Itispartofparentingtoidentify which challenges will be growth opportunities and which ones will beoverwhelming, damaging and need intervention. However, it is extremely rarethatanythingtodowithhouseholdoperationswillfallintothelattercategory.

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4.LossofPassionandIntimacyWork,children,physical fatigueandagingcanall taketheir toll,andslowly

butsurelythatwonderfulexcitingfeelingisreplacedbyhabit,routine,andduty.Ithappens,butitdoesn’thavetohappentoyou.

Most marriages, unless arranged, begin with romance, chemistry andpassionate sexual intensity between lovers. Yet that spark, that friction, thatdeliciousthrillwecan’tgetenoughofandbelievewillneverendcanbethefirstparttowane.Ifandwhenthathappens,donot ignoreitorthink,Oh,we’rejustgoingthroughabadpatchand itwill sort itselfout. Intimacyrequiresnurturingboth inside and outside the bedroom, particularly in where there have beenpreviouspartnersandyouhaveahistoryofgoodandbadexperiences.

Weknowaboutthatfirstflushoflovealltoowell.It'sthatgiddy,headover

heels, butterflies-in-the-tummy, smiling to yourself infatuation stage that cantrulybeirresistible.Butofcourseit’scompletelyunsustainableinthelong-term;notonlywouldyounotgetanythingdone in theother importantareasofyourlife,you’dendupburntoutbytheintensityalone,liketwomothssingeingtheirwingsaroundacandleflame.Infatuationhasbeendubbed"love’snursery"asit’sthefirstphaseoflovethattypicallylastsabout12months.Inthisfirststageyou'llbelieveyou’vefoundyoursoulmateandthatnooneelsecouldbesoperfectandthatnothingcouldevercomebetweenyou.Thentheexcitementquietsdowna

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little, life returns tonormal and the realperson in your life turnsup to replaceyourfantasy.It’snottheirfault;it’sjustrealityreassertingitself,butifyoudon’tunderstandwhat’shappeningthenyoucanfeelbereftorevenbetrayed.

For this reason, the initial excitement of love can be one of the mostdangerousphases infledglingrelationshipsasweconfusefeelingsof infatuationwithdeep love. Somepeoplebecome so addicted to this chemical rush that assoonasthe‘honeymoonphase’endstheybelieveloveisoverandwillthenleavea perfectly good and loving relationship in quest of another sexual "high." Thismeanstheyrarelystaylongerthantwelvemonths,andwillrobthemselvesofthedepths of love waiting on the other side of infatuation. Men in particular aresusceptible to these feelings, infatuation makes them feel powerful and feedstheir ego, it makes them feel special. Often they deny themselves theopportunitytobepartofawarm,reliableanddeeplysatisfyingloveforastringofintensesexualpleasuresandintimatehighsthatarenotsustainable.

Unfortunately,we’vebeenraisedonfictionforfartoolongwhenitcomestolove.Seducedbycountlessmoviehappyendingsandromanticnovels,we’vebeenconditionedtothinkthatunlessweactlike22-year-oldsthere’ssomethingwrongwithus.It’safoolishfantasybutitissoprevalentthatit’shardtoresistbuyinginto thenonsense.What’smissing fromthosemessages is the fact that love is somuchmorethanafleetingpassionatebuzz.Wheninfatuationendsitmakesroomforamorematureandfardeeperlove,oneinwhichyoumeeteachother’sneedsinallareasoflife,notjustthebedroom.

Sexualpassionandintimacyareessentialtoahealthyandhappyrelationshipbetweenpartnersandthere’snoreasonforthefireworksnottocontinuetoflyevenafterdecadesoflove.Afterall,youdon’tloseinterestineating,doyou?No,you keep that appreciation alivewith variety, experimentation, refinement andaboveall,hunger.Ifyouatethesamethingeverydayorateonlyfastfood,you’dcease to be nurtured or interested or even healthy. Sexual appetites are the

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same. It takes imagination to maintain passion once the excitement of arelationship and your new feelings wears off. But it's not hard to bear withsomething. In fact, it can be easy tomanage if you give it the time and care itdeserves.Weshouldn’taspiretomediocrityorforjustgettingbyinworkorlove,andiftheintimacywanesthentherelationshipwillsadlyfollowsuit.

You both want to feel loved, wanted, and satisfied, so a big difference inlevels of desire, frequency of romance, fantasies, the use of pornography, andother intimate subjects can lead to frustration, tension, and low self-esteem.Communication, honesty, openness, and patience are your best friends here –repression or bottling things up will only cause unhappiness and resentment.You’dalsobewise todiscuss the seemingly trivial subjectof flirting;make surethatone’sideaofharmlessplayisn’ttheother’sideaofdeephurtandbetrayal.

One of the biggest ‘killers’ of intimacy is directly connected withHeartbreaker 3. If oneof thepartners is doing all thework, then thiswill spillover into the bedroom both intentionally (resentment) or unintentionally (tootired). This gives even more reason for the day-to-day management of thehouseholdtobesharedoroutsourced.

Lastly, intimacy will very quickly disappear if care and respect is not anintegral part of the relationship. How you speak to each other, support eachotherandmakeeachotherfeelonadailybasisdirectlyimpactsyourrelationship.Manycouplesdescendintomakingcondescendingcomments,jibes,complainingtoothersandbelittlingbehavioursandthenwonderwhyintimacyhaswanedandtheirrelationshipfeelsloveless.Guesswhat,ifthisisthetypeofbehaviourthatisoccurringthen it is lovelessandyouneedtoconsciously fall in loveagain ifyouwanttherelationshiptosurviveandthrive.

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5.InfluenceofFamilyandFriends(BroaderFamily)Even if you’re fortunate enough to love your in-laws dearly, your primary

loyalty is towardsyour immediate family.Therefore it’s important toarriveatameetingofmindswith yourpartner as tohowoftenyou see theextendedkin,whatinputtheyexpecttohaveinyourlives,howmuchinfluencethey’llhave(ifany) on your children’s upbringing, and all the money matters that they'll beinvolved with. They might also have different expectations when it comes tocelebrationsandtypicalfamilyevents.Mismatchedideascancreatetension,butit’seasilydeflectedwithsomediscussionandplanning.Ifyoucancreatedecisionsinadiplomaticnaturethenyouwillcertainlybenefitjustaswell.

For themostpart, getting to know,and learning to loveyour in-laws is anopportunitytobuildawholesetofwarm, lovingrelationshipsthatwillenhanceyour life. These people love your partner and they want them to be happy.Becausethat’swhatyouwantforthemtoo,ifthey’rewisethenthey’llwelcomeyouintothefamilywithopenarms.

Butnoteveryone iswiseand ifyou’reunluckyenoughtofind thatyour in-lawsbelongtothiscategorythenitmaybeachallengetogetagoodrelationship.

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Thiscanseriouslyharmamarriageifitisnotcontrolledright.Itoftenestablishescompetingloyaltiesanddifficultdilemmasandrequiresagreatdealoffinesseinmediatingpotentiallyfraughtsituations.Therefore,itshouldcomeasnosurpriseto find "a case of the in-laws" among the top five reasons for why secondmarriagesfail.

Youareanadultandequaltoyourin-lawssothesettingofboundarieswithyour respective parents is not amatter of their permission, it’s your right. Thismaynotbeculturally‘thenorm’,butitisafact.Ifyourpartneristrulysupportivetheywillhelpyoutofindawaytomanagethedominanceofthewiderfamilyorfriends. Justremembertobesensitiveinyourdealingswiththemanddotrytofindcompromiseswhereappropriate.

A devotedmummay be used to running her son’s life, so they could feelusurpedor rejectednow thatyou’re in thepicture.Acontrolling fathermaybeused to assuming responsibility for his daughter’s decisions especially when itcomes to financial or business matters. Talk to your other half about whatboundaries you’re both happy and comfortable with, and how to delicatelyenforce them. Be assertive rather than aggressive about what you both want,stateyourpositionclearlyratherthanknuckleunderandthenholdsilentgrudges,andaboveallelse,berespectfulofwhateverisgoingon.Don’tforget,theylovethemtoo.

Parents can also put a lot of pressure on daughters particularly to getmarriedatanearlyage,andhaveafamilybeforetheyare‘tooold’.Thefearofbeing‘leftontheshelf’canovershadowthelong-termprospectsofhappinessandfulfilment.Standinguptoparents,familyandfriendsinthiscircumstancescanbeoneofthetoughestthings.However,thejoyofbeingmarriedcanquicklywaneifboth parties are not compatible or accept that building the love and respectneededforasustainableandfulfillingrelationshipneedsconstantwork,whichisnothelpedbytheinterferenceand‘goodadvice’ofothers.

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Ifweareolderorhavebeenmarriedbefore,itcanbehardertojoinexistingfamiliesorfriendshipgroupsthanwhenmarryingyoung.Ourvaluesandviewsaremore developed and firmly set and so are theirs. Parents may especially feelvulnerable and will want to constantly assess our suitability for their preciousoffspring (will their special bond be affected?) and nowadays we’re much lesstolerantofthesedynamics.Theolderweget,thelesslikelywearetojustgowiththe flow. But it’s not all negative; we’re also able to bring our own uniquequalitiesandexperiences to thetable toaddadifferentperspective to itall.Asyouwellknow,familiesandfeelingscanbeachallengetomaintain,sowheredowestart?

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6.UnrealisticExpectationsandDestiniesHeartbreakcanoccurifwedonotsharethingsandthoughtssufficientlywith

our partners. There can bemany reasons why we feel unable to share. Thesecould be due to influences from past experiences, victim mentality (on bothsides),perceptionofnotwantingto‘show-off’,strongopinions,intimidationandawholehostofothers issues.SomepartnerswanttoshareEVERYTHING,whichdoesnotleaveyouwiththetimetolivealifeaccordingtoyourvaluesaswell.

However, the consequenceof not sharing your beliefs, hopes, dreams andexperienceswithsomeonecan leadtounrealisticexpectations,asyouandyourpartnerwillwanttoreachdifferentgoalsordestinies.

Expectationsdon’tjustcomefromourpartnersbutfrommanysources.Theycomefromourfamilies,friends,work,culture,religiousbeliefsandeventhroughus. It is a basic human trait to project our thoughts, wishes and behaviouralexpectationsontothepeoplewhoareclosesttous.Thesebecomeharmfulwhentheexpectationsremainunspoken(ornotshared)asmistrustcanstarttocreepin.Whilepeopleoftentakecertainthingsasjustalackofcommunication,itcanstillbeathreat.Remember,ourexpectationsusuallyhavelittleornothingtodowiththeotherperson.

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The worst expectations that we can place are the ones we place, not onotherpeople,but ratheronourselves.Weexpect farmore fromourselves thanwe do with others around us. The question to ask is simple: "If mysibling/parent/childdidwhat Ihaddone,would Iexpectmore fromthemtoo?"Theodds are the answer to that questionwould be no, so remember that youshouldn’tbeatyourselfupover somethingyoudidordidn'tdo in thepast.Thechances are that you didn't have all the knowledge, skills or options that youcouldaskforatagiventime.

Unrealistic expectations often form out of the beliefs you or your partnermighthave.Thereareno rightorwrongchoiceswhen it comes tobeliefs. Let'stakespiritualorpoliticalmatters,forinstance.Therearenoabsolutetruths,soit’simperative that you respect one another’s beliefs. Even when you disagree,maintain a clear appreciation for your partner’s opinion. If your beliefs areextremely important to you and your partner has strong opposing views thenyou’ddefinitelyknowaboutitbynow–theseissuesmaywellhavebeenworkedoutalreadyifonlyforthesakeofcompatibility.Ifnotandyoucan’treconcileyourviews,simplyagreetodisagreeandleaveitalone.Afterall,youdon’thavetolikeallthesamefoodstoloveeachother,sowhyyoubeforcedintothesamebeliefstructure?Thisisoneinstancewheretimeitselfcanhealallwounds.Evenwheretherearelegalimplications,yourjudgementmustbebasedonbothyourbeliefsand whatever it is your partner feels. If there are consequences involved likewhenyouarebreakingthelawthenafullsenseofresponsibilityhastobetakenbybothpartiesonthedecisionstheymake.

The behavioural scientist John Gottman proposes that 70% of issuesbetween couples are unsolvable. He calls these the perpetual issues andproblems. Manymanyhourscanbespenttryingtopersuadeapartnertothinklikeyouortoreachaconsensus,butinrealitythisistoohardtodoandyoufindyourselvesgoingroundandroundthesamemerry-go-round.Amuchbetteruseofyourenergyistoidentifytheseperpetualissuesandputinplacestrategiesto

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avoid them, rather thankeephittingeachotherhead-on. This isnotgivingup,thisisrespectingeachothersdifferences.

Finally,bear inmindthatanyonewhoteasesyou,ridiculesyou,disrespectsyourbeliefsormakesyoufeeluncomfortableforholdingthemdearisunlikelytochangeonceyoulivetogether. Ifthis isa"HeartBreaker"foryouthenletthemknow.

Ifyouarenotgrowinginthesamedirectionwithatleastsomesharedgoalsthen chances are the destinies between you and your partnermight end up indifferentplaces.

Manycouplesfindtheirdestiniesinfluencedmostlybytwokeyareas:Theirworkandtheirspiritualbeliefs.Bothofthesecan impactwherethecouple live,howtheydedicatetheirtime,howtheyspendtheirmoney,thetypesofschools(andlocations)theirchildrenattend,theircirclesoffriendsandsoforth.

Workaspirationshaveahuge impactonday-to-day livingand the stressesinvolvedwith reaching themcanbequite challenging to the relationship.Oftenourworkcanbequitedemandingandit’snoteasytomaintainahealthywork/lifebalance,butthisisessentialnotjustforyourownsanitybutforahappyhomeaswell.

Even in today’smore equitableworld, it is extremely hard for a couple toboth have fast track jobs and a family – and is even harder to have a bonus(blended) one. Invariably, one partner will take on more of the householdresponsibilities as their jobwill not be quite as important or inmuch of a highregard when compared to what the other partner has. That does notautomaticallymeantheman’scareertakesprecedence,andfortunatelythere ismuch more evidence that this is a changing trend. Unless managed well anddiscussedopenly,thiscanleadtoresentment,lossofself-esteem,lonelinessandevendepression.

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Spiritual or purpose-based beliefs are equally impactful on relationships.Strongspiritualbeliefs(andIamnotreferringtojustreligiousbeliefs)thatarenotequally shared by both can lead couples down very different paths. Spiritualbeliefscoverthepurposeofone'slife,lifeafterphysicaldeath,beliefsinahigherrealm (God, Buddha, prophets,masters, angels etc.), health considerations andanythingelse that isgreater thanourselves. Vastlydifferingviewsonanythingcan leadtoa feelingof inequity, ridiculeandresentmentandthereforeneedtobeaddressedassoonaspossibleintherelationshipsorespectandconsiderationcanbeshown.

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7.BehaviouralandAddictionsIssuesWeall fly off thehandleoccasionally and loseour temper, at timesweall

sufferfromstressandanxiety.Sometimesit'soverthetiniestthings,particularlywhenwe’retiredoremotional.Livinginclosequartersmakesflare-upsinevitable,but if oneof you (including any children)has any known issues like alcoholism,drug addictions, physical or mental abuse, diagnosed mental disorders, angermanagement problems or other major behavioural issues then you need toprepare.

You have to make a solid plan to handle these potentially frighteningmomentsbeforetheyhappen.Discussaggressivebehavioursasmuchaspossiblebutdon’t imagine thatby simply loving themenoughyoucanchangeor "save"Someone you care about. Unhealthy expressions of anger and questionablebehaviour often need professional skills and should be addressed or resolvedbeforeyoumakeacommitment.

Ifeitherpartnerhasacertainissuedepression,bipolardisorderoranyothermentalillnessthenyoumightneedtocreateastrongdetailedplanfortakingcareof the issue. Joining a counselling or support organisation before any seriousissuesdevelopcouldbecomeahugefactorinwhatyouwanttodo.

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An addiction can be a serious pain in a relationship. You cannot just hidesuch addictions. Rather, you have to be honest about them.Moderation is thewisestpathwithmost things in thisworld, and it applies to socialbehaviouraswell;drinking,smoking,gambling,recreationaldrugs,extremesportsandthelikemight sound fun at times but problems can really arise if they are all taken toexcess.

Discusswhatyouarecomfortablewithandwhat isreasonableonaweeklybasisandthenmakeacommitmenttoeachotherabout it.Forexample,decidehowmuchyouwanttodrink inaweekandhowoften. Ifanyactivitiesthatyouengage in border on the anti-social or self-destructive side of things then youneed to address them now. These are things that could truly threaten yourrelationshiplaterifthey’renotfullyunderstoodbyboth.

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TheSevenLoveMakers

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1.ParentingTogetherParentingtogether iscritical,as itwillresult inthegreatest influenceon

yourchildren. The family is still thebestvehicle tobringupstrong, resilientchildrenwithhighself-esteemandconsequentlytheoppositecanalsooccur.

Children'spersonalitiesandbehaviourscanalsoplayanenormousroleinhowfamiliesgeton.Theyarealluniqueandpresentbothjoysandchallenges.There is a well-known saying that is really suitable: "The child who is thehardesttolove,istheonewhoneedstobelovedthemost."

Parenting together means being consistent, supportive and having abroadly similar agreement forwhatparenting strategies and styles are tobeused.Thisisaboutnotonlysupportingeachothertomakegooddecisionsforthechildren,butalsoaboutensuringthatthenecessaryrespectisgiventotheparents. Disagreements over parenting not only put a barrier up in yourrelationship but also strongly influence a child's temperament anddevelopment,eveninverysmallchildren.

Parenting together does not mean that you have to do everythingtogether.Infact,ifthereareexistingchildreninanewrelationshipthenintheearlydays,disciplinemustbehandledbythebiologicalparentonly.

Parentingtogetheralsodoesnotmean,orrequirethatyouagreeallthetimewithyourpartner.Thisisallgoodaslongasyouprovideabalancedfront

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with the children. It is best to avoid creating situationswhere they can playoneoffagainsttheother.Collaborationandaunitedfrontiskey,evenifyoudisagreeoutofearshotofthechildren.

Emotionally and sub-consciously, our biological children impact ourbehaviours,reactionsanddecisions. Ifyouareabonusfamily,oftentheywillhavebeenbroughtupinanenvironmentwithdifferentvaluesandbeliefsthanwhatyourpartnermighthave.Recognisingandapplyingthiscanbeoneofthequickestwaystogetbeyondtheminefieldofbringingfamiliestogether.

Byconsciouslyworkingtoparenttogetheritcancreatehugebenefits,notjust for your relationship,but also thedynamicsof the family. These includebenefits such as greater empathy,more awareness of each familymember'sneeds,higherself-esteem,acalmerandmoretolerantenvironmentandalackofthe"piggyinthemiddle"feelingthatdevelops,especiallyinmothers.Attheendofthischapterisalistof30practicalgoodparentingthingsyoucandelpbuild strong resilient children and break the patterns of the dysfunctionalbehavioursthatareoftenpassedfromonegenerationtothenext.

Here are some specific pieces of advice that should be followed whenchildrenareinvolved:

1. Seeanychangesorimpactstothefamilyfromthepointofviewofthechildren,andcommunicatetothemwiththisinmind.

2. Acknowledge and address the children’s doubts and fears withoutindulgingthem.

3. If a bonus families, recognise that they will have grown up withdifferentvalues, rules, loyaltiesandbeliefs, so try tocreatenewonesthatareacceptabletobothsides.

4. Show the children howmuch you love each other but do not makethemuncomfortable.

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5. Trytosetrulesforthehouseholdthatareageappropriate.Ifthere'sasignificant age difference between the people in the household thenyou may need to have two levels of rules. They should becomplementary with each other and can entail some rules that aresharedamongallpeopleinthehouse.Regardlessofwhathappens,doexplaintothechildrenwhytheremaybedifferentrules.

6. Minimisedrasticchangesifpossible.Thinkaboutwhatyoucanbothdoto encourage and support the children that may be different butequallybeneficial.

7. Agree on what each of the parents will handle when it comes tomentoringandencouragingthechildren.Ifabonusfamily,whatistheresponsibility of the biological parent and what is off limits for thestepparenttohandle.

8. Againforbonusfamilies,respectthatthechildrenhaveanotherparentwhomayormaynotbe in their lives. If theotherparentunderminesyou or you disagree with their tactics, however hard it is, do notcriticise them directly to the children, this will cause confusion,defensivenessandpossiblyalossoftrusttowardsyou.

9. Haveasenseofhumour.Laughwhenthingsgoawry.Itcanbreakthebarrierwhereallelse failsand itcanevenhelp to lift themoodofallpeople in the relationship. Try to build fun and humour into yourfamily life, this helps to combat stress, disagreements and raises theoverallesteemofthefamilyunitasithasabondingeffect.

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2.MoneyMattersIf youbothwant tomake your love stronger thenbeingup-front about

moneyisessential.

Alackofmoneycancausestressandanxietyifpoorlyhandled.However,socaninequityoronepartnerbeingforcedtofollowsomeoneelse'svalues.InmybookSecondChangeforaLovetoLastImentionthatallofuscanalwayssqueezeoutsomemoneyforwhatisimportanttous,nomatterhowtightthebudget is. This is something thatvery fewpeopleunderstandorappreciate.Wealwaysfindmoneyforwhateverishighestonourvaluelist.

Partnerswhounderstand the importanceof this andwork togetherwillbe able to find solutions that respect each other's financial values. Whilstmoney itself does not necessarily create or destroy love, how each partnersees itwillcertainlybecriticaltotherelationship.Herearefourfundamentalstepsthatwillestablishsolidandconflictfreeroutines:

1. DISCUSSexpectations2. NEGOTIATEthedivisionofresponsibilities3. PREPAREwhattodowhenthingsgoofftherails(andtheywill!)4. CHECK INwith each other from time-to-time tomake sure the feeling is

stillequitable.

Here are some of the more common actions you can take to ensuremoneydoesnotbecomea"heartbreaker."

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1. Talkaboutyourmoneymatters:yourbeliefs,goals,abilitytomanageit,your circumstances (assets and liabilities), and any arrangements youhaveinplace.

2. Yourspendinghabitsarelargelyareflectionofyourpersonality.Ifyouareaspenderthensayso.Ifyouareasaver,frugalorinsiston"valueformoney"thenmakethiscleartoo.Valuesdictatespendinghabitssomake sure you understand and have strategies for how to deal withthis.

3. Makesureyouprepareabudgetevenifyouthrowitawayandneverdo one again. Budget preparation is an excellentway of bringing outeach partner's views on how money should be spent, saved andgenerallymanaged.

4. Challengingapartneronexpenditureswillnotmakethemspendless;atbestitwill leadtothemholdingback.Thisinturnleadstoalackoftrust.Findwaysofcontrollingmismatchedexpenditures.Setamonthlyupperlimit,reducedebtlimits,andexplain(notaccuse)peopleonwhyspecificexpendituresdonotmatchyourmoneyvalues.

5. Don’t keep yourhopes and fears to yourself; twoheads are somuchbetter than one, and remember that a dream shared is a dreamdoubledwhileaproblemsharedisaproblemhalved.Ifyouaregettingintodebtdon’ttrytomanageyourwayoutofitonyourown.

6. Hereisachecklistthatyoumightstartwith:

Ø PrioritiseØ CreateaplanØ KnowwhereyourmoneygoesØ Spend(shop)wiselyØ ReviewandadjustyourplanregularlyØ KEEPTALKING.

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3.SharingtheLoadWhatcancertainlybealovemakeristheabilitytosharetheload,

especiallywhenitcomestoday-to-dayliving,choresandtheever-growingburdenofadministrativerequirementsthattheworlddemandstoday.Byactivelylookingforwaystohelpeachotherandshowhowmuchyoucare,youcanexponentiallyincreasethefeelingsoflove,closenessandempathy.

Ifyouknowaboutthe5LoveLanguagesbyDr.GaryChapmanthenyouwillknowthatone iscalled"ActsofService." Sharingthe load isparticularlyimportanttopeople(mainlywomen)whoseprimarylovelanguageentailssuchacts of service. This is how they (we) feel loved, and show love. Recognisingand providing small acts of service whenever possible will make them feelcaredfor,respectedandaboveallloved.

Evenifyourpartnerhasanotherlovelanguage,sharingtheloadisequallyimportantandcanbea significant lovemaker,not tomentiona self-esteembuilder,somakesureitisacceptableasequitablebyallparties.

It isthelittlethingsthatcaneatawayatarelationship;butequallytheycangrowit.Lookatyourdailyroutines,responsibilitiesandchoresandbalancethemwithcallsoneachother'stime,eachperson'sskillsandinterestsandtheimpact of the outcome to shape how you share the load. What is mostimportant is not that everything is split 50/50; instead, each person has tobelievethattheygotagooddealoutofwhatisbeingdone.

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Perceptionismuchmoreimportantthanrealityinthiscase.Forinstance,if you are a stay-at-homeMum and your partner has a full-time paid job, itwould be hard for them to spend equal time on childcare duties, cleaning,washing,etc.However,ifyoudislikemanagingfinances,payingthebills,etc.ordoingmaintenance,youwouldbeveryhappythatthiscanbehandledbyyourpartnerinstead,probablytakinglessactualtimebutequallyimportantforthewellbeingofthefamily.

ItisequallyimportanttousechoresandrunningthehouseholdasaLoveMaker for children and any adultswho livewith you. By denying them theopportunity to participate you are actually doing them a disservice. It isimportant that children participate in household chores for a number ofreasonsi.e.

1) Theylearntoappreciatewhatisinvolvedinrunningahouseandwhattheirparentsdoforthem.

2) It isanidealtraininggroundforwhentheygrowupandhaveahomeandfamilyoftheirown.

3) It can be used as a ‘bonding’when everyone gets involved together,especiallyifitcanbemadetobefun,orthereisagoalattheende.g.oncethehouseiscleanthewholefamilygettodosomethingtogethersuchasamovienight.

Children involved in the household chores will need a certain level ofsupervision.Tobeeffective,youneedtobepresentandencouragethem.Theoppositeeffectwillbeexperiencedifyougiveachildaloadofchoresandthengo and sit and watch TV or socialise (drink) with your friends. All you areteachingthemisthattheyareyourservantandinferiorandhowNOTtotreatpeople you are supposed to care about. Children usually don’t mind doingchores if itmeanstheygetyourattentionandtime. Emotionalavailability isthenumber1builderoftrustandresilienceinchildren.

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4.SafeguardingtheRomanceWhethersanctionedbythestate,"blessed"bythechurch,orapersonal

mutual agreement between twowhowish to become one, when you comerightdowntoit,‘marriage’isthecomingtogetherofheartsandmindsinlove.

I believe it takes patience, humour, and a whole lot of love tomake astrong, solid and passionate ‘marriage’. It can be the most important andfulfillingcreationofour lives, fullofbrightnessandwarmth,butall toooftenthepassionislostovertime.

Therewillinevitablybesomelesseningofromanticfeelingsasyousettleintolifetogether.However,thatdoesnothavetobea"given."Thissectionisdedicatedtohelpingyoumaintaintheloveandpassioninyourrelationship.

Whatis important isthatyoubothcommittosafeguardingtheromancebymaking a continuous conscious effort in doing so. If it is your second (ormore) relationship, it will typically have far more pressures than what firstmarriagesentail.Withoutaconsciouseffort,newcouplesveryquicklybecomestereotypical"oldmarriedcouples."Somakeaconsciousvowthat itwillnothappentoyou,asthisloveisgoingtolast...thistime.

A lack of desire can be a women's top sexual concern. Unfortunately,research supports the concept that a women's sex drive will begin to droponce she is in an established relationship. If youwant to be a "lovemaker"thenyouhavetolookafteryourlibido.

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Dr Bella Ellwood-Clayton's book Sex Drive: In Pursuit of Female Desire(Allen&Unwin)isanexcellentreadfullofpracticalsuggestionstoassistwithgivingyourlibidoalittlenudge.

Of course,maintaining the romance and love is important, not just thesexual desire. So it's a case of together demonstrating commitment,communicationandawillingnesstoconsciouslyplanforwhatmaycomeaboutinthefuture.Theeffortsarewellworthittomakeyourlovestrongandabletokeepgrowing.

Herearesomeactionstosafeguardyourlove:

q Sexualpassion, intimacyandphysicalcontactareessentialtoahealthyandhappyrelationshipbetweenpartners,andthere’snoreasonforthefireworksnottocontinuetoflyevenafterdecades.

q Keep the appreciation alivewith variety, experimentation, refinement,and above all, hunger. Never let your partner feel as though one hasbeentakenforgranted,neglectedorrejected.

q Keepthelinesofcommunicationopenandfreefromjudgement.q Duetoourbusylives,remembertoplandatenights.Therearemasses

ofideasinbooks,PinterestandtheInternetingeneral.q Takecareofeachother,talknicelyandshowrespectbothinandoutside

thehome,especiallytofamilyandfriends.Caringmeansconsideringoneanotherinallaspectsofyourlivestogether.

q You need to be able to connect and be on the same path, andwhilesomevaluesmaybeatdifferentendsofthespectrumwithoutdamagingtherelationship,physicalintimacyisrarelyoneofthem.

q Exude intimacy! Build a tangible closeness and show your affection inlittleways.Sharethoughtsandobservationsandlookdirectlyintoeachother’seyes,hugoften. Letyourchildrenseethis intimacy,butnottotheexclusionofthem.

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5.MakingYourPartner#1Thislovemakercanoftenbemisinterpretedasmeaningthatyoualways

have to sacrifice yourself (and others) for your partner. This could not befurther from the truthand if yourpartner expects to always come first thenthere could be heartbreak ahead. There is a difference between being #1 inyourlifeandalwaysbeingfirstinyourlife.

Thismeansmaking sure your partner knows they are important to youandthateventhoughsometimesyourchildren,work,family,community,etc.must temporarily come first, your love and respect for them is nevercompromised.

TonyRobbinssuggeststherearethreelevelsofrelationship:

Level1-Isallabout"me".

Level2-It'saboutexchange(apparentlythemostdangerouslevel)

Level 3 - Puts their needs above your own and willingly try to doeverythingtomeetthatneedandexpect(orwant)nothinginreturn.Thereisnofeelingofsacrificeasitispurejoytogive.

Whentwopeopleareplayingatlevel3,theyfindwaystohelpeachother,tomakeeachotherhappy,tomeettheirneedssotherelationshipgetsbetter

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andbetter.Ifonlyonepersonistryingtoplayatlevel3,thenchancesaretheotherpartnerisplayingatlevel1.

Living a Level 3 relationshipmeans that when others criticise or attackyour partner, you don't feel the need to defend or react, as you know theyhaveanagenda. If it isyourchild, familymember, friendorsomeonewho isjust jealous of your happiness then you will know their motivation and riseaboveitwithoutnecessarilydamagingyourrelationshipwiththem.

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6.RespectingValues,BeliefsandGoalsI cannot emphasis enough the importance of understanding your

partner'svaluesandpersonality(andyours),butalsoknowinghowtorespectthem,acceptingthemandnotimposingyourownonsomeone.

‘Yourtimeislimited,sodon’twasteitonlivingsomeoneelse’slife.’SteveJobs

Onceyoulearnaboutvaluesandyoulearnhowtheyhavesuchanimpactonrelationships,thingsseemtomakesomuchmoresense.Itisbelievedthatvalueclashesareresponsibleforover90%ofarguments.

Values are the reason why we live our lives so differently; they areresponsible for wars, alliances, friendships and enemies! So doesn't it makesensetofindoutwhatvaluesarematchingandwhichonesneedstrategiestoavoidconflict?Theactofsharinggoalscanbelookedatfromtwoangles:

1. Havingthesameorcommongoalsassomeonesoyouarebothworkingtogethertoachievethesameagreedoutcome,and/or

2. Havingdifferentgoalsbutsharingthemwithyourpartnersotheycansupportyouinachievingtheoutcomeordestinyyoudesire.

Both are love makers and can support and strengthening yourrelationship,bothofwhichareimportant.Havingradicallydifferentgoalscantake your lives down different paths, leading towards you growing apart orlosingconnectionfromyourpartner.

Sharingyourgoalwithyourpartner,whenitisnottheirspecificgoal,canhelpyouremainconnected. Astheyloveyouitwillbeimportanttothemto

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support you so you can be fulfilled. It will also help you to becomeaccountable,receivehelpandconsideration(becausetheyunderstandwhatisimportanttoyou)whenyouneedit,andruninterferencewhenotherswanttoderailyouonyourjourney.

Relationshipsareforareason,aseasonora lifetime.Asyouarestrivingforthisonetobeforalifetime,youmustfindawaytogetyourdestiniestobecomplementary. Remembering this can be a love-maker in itself. But alsorememberthatevenifitisyourdestiny,youmustnevertakeitforgranted.

Here we specifically look at your aspirations when it comes to work,business(ifyou’reself-employed),andanyothervocationalactivitiesthatwillconsumea largeportionof your time. If youbothplan to continueworking,apply the skills thatmake you successful atwork to your home life, such astimemanagement,scheduling,andgoodplanning.Also,lookatareasthatwillbeaffectedbyifyourworkresponsibilitiesgrow,takeyouawayfromhomeorconsumeyoumentally.Make sure youagreeonadivisionof responsibilitiesforchildcare,finances,transport,andtheever-contentioushouseholdchores.

Makedetailedandspecificplansforhowyou’llachievethatvitalbalance;ifajobinvolvestravel,workouthowtheoneleftbehindwillfeelcomfortablemanaging things on their own – regular emails, phone calls, and videoconferencing (Skype, FaceTime, Facebook chat etc.) can be invaluable here,andconsiderlittlegiftsoraspecialdinnerwhenyou’rereunited.

Andthisapproachisn’tlimitedtothetoughstuff,it’sequallyimportanttoplanyourleisure.Youdon’t ignoretheimportanceofpersonal interactionsinyourworkenvironment,andyour relationshipdeservesno less, sodon’t justcollapse in anexhaustedheapat theendof thedayorweek togather yourenergies for the next round of work. If you don’t plan something then it’sunlikely to happen, so take fun seriously – ensuring quality time together(another love language for some) helps you to stay connected and simplyplanningyourfreetimetogethercanbearealpleasureinitself.

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7.AuthenticLivingThelastlovemakertofollowistoliveanauthenticlife.Thiscanbeavery

widesubjectbutitsimplymeanstolivealifewhereyouaretruetoyourself,yourpartnerandthoseyoulove.

Doyoueveraskyourselfwhetheryouarelivingthelifeyouweremeanttolive?Thisdoesnotmeanthatyouwill liveaneasylife;infactifyourlifeisnot without challenge, inspiration or direction then your life cannot beauthentic.

Authentic living as a love maker suggests that you have some level ofcontrol and that you can influence the direction you are taking. Beingauthenticincludeshavingbalance,managingyourhealth,money,relationshipsandpurpose.Ifyouhaveemotionalproblems,donotrespectyourmind,bodyor soul or your family life you are living withoutmeaning or for short termpleasure leading to longer term pain. If you are not living an authentic life(being the best you can be) eventually your life (and your relationships)willbecome empty, meaningless and lifeless, the breeding ground for addictionandmentalillness.

Beingauthentic is themostperfect lovemaker, it allows joy, love, trustandinnerpeacetoenter intoyourlife.This inturnaffectsthosearoundyou,especially thosewhoare close to you. Isn't that theperfectenvironment forgrowingyourlovesoitlastsalifetime...thistime?

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AfterwordWehopeyoufoundtheinformationinthiseBookuseful. Ifyouwantto

find out more there are lots of options available to you. You can start byreadingourbook:

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