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SUT LOVINGOOD .
YARNS SPUN
BY A
NAT’
RAL BORN DURN’D FOOL.
WARPED ANDWOVE FORPUBLICWEAR.
PI
GE ORG E W'
. H ARR I S .
A l ittle nonsense, now and then,
Is rel ished by the wisest men .
”
Suppose I am to hang the mon'ow,
and
Ca n laugh to-night, shal l I not —OLD PLA1 ~
0
NEW YORKDICK FITZGERALD
,PUBLISHERS.
Entered, accord in g to Act of Congres s, in th e year 1867. byDICK FITZGERALD.
In th e Clerk ’ s Office of th e Di strict Court of th e Uni ted States for the
Southern Di s trict of New York.
PR E F AC E .
“You must have a preface , Su t ; your book will then be ready,
What shall I write“W el l , ef I mus t
,I mu st ; fur I s
’
po se th e perducktion cud n o
more show h itsef in publick wifout hi t, than a coffin -maker cud wif
ou t black clothes, an ’
yetwhat's th e us e ove either ove em , in pin t ove
good sense ? Smell s tu me sorter like a durned humbug, th e holeove hi t—a littil l ike cuttin ove th e Ten Cummandmin ts in tu th e rine
ove a wai ter-mill ion ; hi ts jist slashed open an’
th e ins ide et ou ten
h it, th e rin e an’
th e cumman dmin ts °broke all tu pieces an’
flung tn
th e hogs,an ’
n ever tho ’
t ove on st— them,nur the
’
tarn il fool whatcut em thar. But ef a orth ur mus
’
take off h is shoes afore h e goes
in tu th e publick’
s parlor, I reckon I kin du h it wifout durtyin my
feet, fur I h es socks on.
Sumtimes , George, I wishes I en d read an’
write, jis’
a littil bu t
then hits bes’ es hit am, fur ove al l th e fools the worild h es tu con tend
wif, th e edi cated wuns am th e wors t ; they breeds ui on tu al l th e
devi lmen t a-gwin e on . Bu t I wer a-th inkin, ef I cud write mysef,
hi t wud then raley been my book. I jis’
te l l yu n ow, I don’
t l ike theidear ove yu writin a perduekshun , an
’
me a-fin din th e brains.
"I‘
a in t
the fast case th o’
on record by a durned site. Usin uther men’
s
brains is es lawful es usin that”
plun der, an’
j is’
es common, so I
don’
t keer much nohow. I dusn’
t’
speck this yere perduekshun win
! PREFACE.
sit purfeckly quiet ontu the stumicks ove sum pussons—them hu hes
a holesum fear ove the devil , an’
orter h ev hi t, by geminey. Now,
fur thar speshul well-bein h erearter, I h es J i s ’ this tu say : Ef yu ain
’
t
fond ove th e smel l ove cracklin s , stay outen th e kitchin ef yu is
fear’d ove smut , yu n eedn
’
t climb th e chimbley ; an ’
ef th e moon
hurts yer eyes, don ’
t yu ever look at a Dutch cheese . That’s 313 ’ allove hit.
Then thar’s sum hu hain t much fai th in thar repertashun standin
much ove a strain they'l l be powerful keerful how an’
whar theyreads my words . New,
tu them I h ain t wun word tu say they h esbeen preached to , an ’
prayed fur, now ui on tu two thousan d yearsan
’
I won’
t dartweeds whar thuty-two poun shot boun ces back.“ Then thar’s th e book-butchers, orful on ki l lin an
’
cuttin up, but
cud no more perjuee a book, than a bull -bu tcher cud perjuee a bull.S
’
pose they takes a noshun tu stick,skin , an
’
out up thi s yere on e.
Ef they is fond ove sieknin skeers , I advis es em tu take holt tu ons t
but fast I begs tu refer em respectively tn th e fate ove three misfortin it pussons mensh un
’
d inside yere—Passun Bull in , Dock Fabin , anSh erifl
’
Dol ton. Read keerful ly what happen ed tu them afore yu
takes eny ove my flesh ontu yer claws, ur my blood on tu yer bills, an ’
that I now is a durn der fool then I wer in them days, fur I now con
siders mysef a orthur. I h es tuck my stan amung th e nashun s ove
th e yeath , fur I, too , h es made me a book, so ef enybody wan ts di shrags, I thinks hit wud be more heal thy fur em not tu tare em ofen
my flag.
Mos’ book-weavers seem tu be skeery folks, fur gin er’lly they
cums up tn th e slaughter pen , whinin an’
waggin thar tails , a-sayinthey ‘ knows they is imparfeck’—that ‘
yu’
d scace’
speck on e ove my
ge ,’an
’
so forth ,so on
, so along. Now ef I is a-rowin in that boat, I
PREFACE . xi
ain’
t awar ove hit, I ain’
t, fur I knows th e tremenjus gif I hes furbreedin skeers amung durn ed fools , an
'then I h es a trustin relian ce
on tu th e fidelity,injurance,
-
an’
speed ove these yere laigs ove min e
to to te me an’
my sins away beyan t al l human ritribushun s ur revenge.
Now,
’
zamin yer han s , ole ferrits an’
weazels, an’
ef yu don’
t hole bofbowers an
’
th e ace, yu jis’ ‘
pass’
hit .
Efeny poor misfortin i t devil hu’
s heart is onder a mill -ston e,
hu’
s raggid children am hun gry, an ’
n o bread in th e dresser, h u is
down in th e mud, an’
th e lucky on es a-trippin him every time h e
struggils tu hi s all fours , hu h es fed th e famish in an’
is n ow hungryhissef, h u misfortin s fol ler fas
’
an’
fol ler faster,hu is so foot-sore an
’
weak that h e wi shes h e wer at th e ferry—cf sich a on e k in fin e a
laugh, jis ’ one, sich a laugh as is remembered W if h is keerl ess boyhood, atwixt these yore k ivers -then
,I’
ll thank God that I hes made
a book, an ’
feel that I h ev gotmy pay in ful l.Make me a Notey Ben ey, George. I wan ts tu pu t sumwhar
atween th e eyebrows ove our book, in bigwin n in -lookin letters , th e
sarch in , meanin words , what sum pussou writ on tu a’
0man’
s garter
onst, long ago
Evil be to him that evil thinks .
”
Them’
s em,by jingo ! h ed em clost apas
’
yu, didn’
t ya ? I wan t
em fur a gineral skeer—speshully fur th e wimen .
“Now, George, grease hit good, an’
let hit slide down the h ill h its
own way.
D E D ICAT O RY .
W ELL, Su t, your stories are all ready for th e printerto whom do you wish to dedi cate th e work ?
“ I don ’t keer much,George hain t hit a kin e ove lick
skillet bisn ess,enyh ow
— sorter l ike th e waggin ove a
dorg’
s tail, when he sees yu eatin Ove sassengers ? But
yere goes : HOW wud Ann er Dickin son da tu pack hiton tu
Oh , Sut, that would n ever do . What ! dedi cate suchn on sen se as yours to a woman ? How will this do ?
DEDICATED TO
T H E M E M O R Y O P
ELBRIDGE GERRY EASTMAN,
! B E ABLE EDITOR, AND FINISHED GENTLEMAN,THE FRIEND
,WHOSE KINDLY
VOICE FIRST INSPIRED MY TIIIID PEN WITH HOPE.
GRATEFUL MEMORY5
DROPS A TEAR AMONG THE FLOWERS , AS AFFECTION STREWS THEMO’ER H IS GRAVE.
”
W on’t begi n tu du , George . Th e idear ove enybody
beiu grateful, ur rememberin a dead friend n ow-a -days !
DEDICATORY.
Why, if that wer tu git out on to me,I’
d n ever be able tu ~
mix in decen t s’
ciety while I lived Tare that up,
George.
W ell, what do you say to this, Sut
WILLIAM CRUTCHFIELD, OF CHATTANOOGA,
HY FRIEND IN STOBH AND SUNSHINE , BRAVE ENOUGH TO BE TRUE ,AND TRUE
ENOUGH TO BE SING‘
ULAE ; ONE W HO SAYS WHAT HE THINKS,
AND VERY OF TEN THINKS WHAT HE SAYS .”
That won ’t du either, hoss .
’
Tis mos’
es bad tu be
grateful tn the livin es the dead. I tell ya hit ain ’ tsmart. Ef ever yu is grateful at all, Show hit tu themwhat yu expeclc wil l du a favor, never tu th e ’
tarn il foolwhat hes dun hit. Never es yu expeck tu git tu heaven ,
neverpay fur a ded hoss. An’
more,every fice ur houn
dorg What either him ur me h as wallop’
d fur thar n astiness
, wud Open on tu our trail—on tu h im fu r buyin me,
an’
on tu me fur bein bought. No, George, I’
ll do on till
Bill gets poor ur dus sum devilmi nt. I’
ll tell yu WhatI
’
ll du ,I
’
ll JIS’
dedercate this yere perduction tn‘
the
durndesl fool in the Un ited States, an ’ Massachusets too,he or sh e. An then , by golly, I ’
ll JIS’ watch hu claims
hit.”“Very W ell, Sut how shall I write it ? how designate
the proper on e
DEDICATORY. ! V
J is’ thi s way ; hits the easiest dun thing in the
worldDEDERCATED
W IF THE
TU THE MAN UR ’
OMAN, HUEVER THE Y BE ,
WHAT p ozm'READ THIS YERE BOOK.
Don’t that kiver th e case tu a dot ? E u kn ows bu t
What I ’se dedercatin hit tu mysef at las’
. W ell,I don ’
t
keer a durn , I kin stan hit, ef th e rest ove em kin .
UNIVERSITYOF CALIFORNIALIBRARY
C O NT E NT S .
SUT LOVINGeOD’
s DADDY, ACTING HORSE
SUT’s NEW FANGLED SHIRT, (a brillian t idea)
THE W IDow McCLOUD’
s MARE
PARSON BULLIN’
s LIZARDS , (retribution )A RAZOR GRINDER IN A THUNDE R STORMOLD SKISSIM
’
S MIDDLE BOY
BLOW N UP WITH SODASICILY BURNs ’
s WEDDING
OLD BURNs’
s BULL RIDESNAKE-BIT IRISHMANEAVEs-DROPPING A LODGE OF FREE-MASONSTAURUS IN LYNCHRURG MARKE T
MRS. YARDLEY’
s QUILTINGSUT LOVINGOOD
’
S DOG
SUT ASSISTING AT A NEGRO NIGHT-MEETINGSoT
’
s SERMON YE CAT FISHE TAVERN ”
BART DAVIs’
s DANCE (a lively time )
TRIPETOWN—TWE NTY MINUTEs FOB BREAKFASTHEN BAILY
’
s REFORMATIONFRUSTRATING A FUNERAL (n ever to be read by can dl e l ight)RARE RIPE GARDEN-SEED (for n ewly married folks)CONTEMPT OF COURT—ALMOSTTRAPPING A SHERIFF (a vi le con spiracy)DAD
’
s DOG SCHOOL (“jis t like ’
im
SUTLOVINGOOD’
S DADDY,ACTING HORSE
HOLE that ar hoss down tn the yeath . He’
s a
fiKin fur the heavings .
“He’
s a spreadin h is tailfeathers tu fly. Look out
,Laigs, if you aint ready
tu go up’
ards.”
W e,Shavetai l. ” Git a fiddil ; he
’
s
tryin a j ig.
”Say, Long Laigs, rais
’
d a power ove
co’
n didn ’t yu ? Taint co ’
n,hits redpepper.
”
These and like expressions were addressed to a queerlocking, long legged, short bodied, small headed
,Whi te
haired,hog eyed
,funny sort of a gen ius
,fresh from
some bench-legged J ew’
s clothing store,moun ted on
Tearpoke, a nick tail ed,bow n ecked
,long
,poor
,pale
sorrel horse,half dandy
,half devil
,and enveloped in a
perfect n et-work of bridle,reins
,crupper
,martingales
,
straps,surcingles
,and red ferreting
,who reined up in
fron t of Pat Nash ’s grocery,among a crowd of moun
tain eers full of fun,foolery
,and mean Whisky.
This was SUT LOVINGOOD.
I say, you duru’d ash cats
, J IS’ keep yer shuts on
,
will ye ? You n ever seed a rale hoss till I rid up ;
20 SUT LOVINGOOD’
S DADDY,ACTING HORSE
you’s p’
raps sto le ur owned shod rabbits u r sheep wifberrerd saddi ls on
,but when you tuck the fu s
’
be
grudgin l ook jis’
now at this critter,name Tarpoke, yu
wer injoyin a Sight ove nex’ tu the bes
’ hoss whatever shell ’d nubbin s ur toted jugs
,an
’
he’
s es ded es a
still wum,poor ole Tickytail !
W o ! we ! Tarpoke, yu cussed infunel fidgety
hide full ove hell fire,can ’t yu stan
’ still an listenwhile I’se a polish in yer karacter off es a mortu l hosstu these yere durned fools ?”
Sut’
s tongu e or his spurs brought Tearpoke in tosomething like passable quietude while he continued :
“Say yu ,sum ove yu growi n hogs made a re mark
j is’
now’bout redpepper. I J i s ’ wish tu say in a gine
ral way that eny wurds cupplin redpepper an Tarpoke
tugether am duru’d infurnal lies.
“What killed Tickeytail , Su t ? asked an anx ious inqu irer after tru th.
“Why nuffin,you cussed fool ; he J i s
’ di ed so,stand
in up et that. Warn’t that rale casteel hoss pluck ?
Yu see he froze stiff ; no, not that adzactly, but starv’
d
fust,an froze arterards
,so stiff that when dad an
’
me
went tu lay h im ou t an’
we push ’d h im over,he stuck
ou t j is’
so, (spreading his arms and legs
,) like on tu a
carpen ter’s bainch,an
’
we hed tu wait n i ontu seventeendays fur ’
im tu thaw afore we cud skin ’
im.
”
Skin ’im interrupted a rat-faced youth
,whi ttling
on a corn stalk,
“I thot yu wan ted tu lay the boss out
SUT LOVINGOOD’S DADDY
,ACTING HORSE. 21
The hell yu did ! Ain t skin in the natral way ove
layin out a hoss,I ’d like tu no ? See a yere
,son ey ,
yu tell yer mam tu heV yu sot back j is ’ bout two years,
fur et the rate yu’se a climbin yu stan’
s a pow’
ful chancetu die wif yer Shoes on ,
an’ git laid hoss way, yu dus.
”
The rat-faced youth shut up his kn ife and subsided.
Well,thar we wer—dad, an ’
me, (counting on h is
fingers,) an’
Sall, an ’
J ake, (fool J ake we calls ’
im fur
short,) an
’
J im,an
’
Phineass,an
’
Call imy Jane, an’
Sharlottyann , an
’
me,an
’
Zodiack,an
’
Cashus Clay,an
’
Noah Dan Webster,an
’
the twin gals, (Castur and
Pollox,) an
’
me,an
’ Catherin Second,an
’
Cleopatry
An tony,an
’
J ane Barnum Lind,an
’
me,an
’ Ben tonBul lion
,an
’the baby what hain t n am ’
d yet, an’
me,
an’
the Prospect,an
’
mam hersef,al l lef in the woods
alone,wifou t ara hoss tu crup wif. ”
“Yu ’se coun ted yersef five times, Mister Lovingood
,
” said a tomato -nosed man in ragged overcoat.Yas
,ole Stil l-tub
,that’s jis the perporshun I bears in
the famerly fur dam fool,leavin ou t Dad in course.
Yul
j is let me alone,an
’
be a thinkin ove gittin more
hoops on tu yu . Yus leakin now ; see thar. Ha ! ha !
from the crowd, and Still-tub wen t’
in to the dog
Warnt that a devil ’s own mess ove broth fur a ’spec~tabil White famerly tu be sloshi n about in ? I be durnedef I didn ’t feel sorter like stealin a hoss sumtimes
,an
’
I
speck I ’d a dun hit,but the stealin streak in the Lovin
22 SUT LOVINGOOD’
S DADDY,ACTING HORSE
goods,al l run tu durned fool
,an
’the onvartus streak
all run tu laigs. Jis look down the side ove thi s yerehoss mos
’
tn the groun ’
. Dus yu see em ?
“Well we waited,an
’ wished,an
’
rested,an
’
plan’
d,
an’ wished
,an
’ waited agin,outil n i on tu strawberry
time,hopin sum stray hoss mout cum along ; but dorg
my cats, ef eny sich good luck ever cums wifin reachove whar dad is
,he
’
s so dod-dratted mean,an
’ lazy,an
’
ugly,an
’ savidge,an
’ durn fool tu kill.“Well
,one n ite he lay awake till cock-crowin a-snor
tin,an
’
rollin,an
’
blowin,an
’
shufflin,an
’
scratchin h is
sef,an
’
a whisperin at mam a heap,an
’
at breckfus’
I foun’
ou t what hit ment Says he,
‘ Sut,I ’ll tell yuwhat we ’ ll du z I ’ll be hoss mysef, an
’ pull the plowwhilst yu drives me
,an
’ then the Ole Quilt (he men tthat fur mam
,) an’
the brats kin plant,an
’ tend,ur J IS
let hit alon e,es they darn pleze ; I ain t a carein .
’
‘SO ou t we wen t tn the pawpaw thi cket,an
’
peel’
d a
rite smart chan ce ove bark,an
’
mam an’
me madegeers fur dad, while he sot on the fence a-lookin at u s,
an’
a studyin pow’
rful . I arterards foun ’
out,he wer
a -studyin how tu play the kar-ac ter ove a hoss puffectly.
“Well,the geers becum him mitily, an
’n ufli n wud
du’
im but he mu s hev a bridil,so I gits a umerel ler
brace—hi t’s a litil forked pieceove squar wire bout afoo t long
,like a yung pit ch-fork
, yu no—an’ twisted h it
sorter iutu a bridil bit snaffil ' shape. Dad wanted hit
2-1 SUT LOVINGOOD’
S DADDY,ACTING HORSE
hoss,an
’ bark gears ; he wen t over the sprowts an’ bushes
same as a rale hoss,on ly he traveled on two laigs. 1
wer mitily hope up bout co’
n ; I cud a’
mos’ see hit a
cumin up ; but thar’s a heap ove whisky spilt twixt thecoun ter an
’
the monf,ef hit ain ’t got but two foot tu
travil .’Bout the time he wer begini n tu break sweat,
we cum tu a sassafia ck bush,an tu keep up h is
kar-acter es a hoss,he bu ljed squar intu an
’ thru hit,
tarin down '
a ball ho ’
nets n es’
n i on tu es big es a hoss ’shed
,an
’
the hole tribe kiver’d ’im es quick es yu cud
kiver a sick pup wif a saddil blanket He lit on tuhis han s agin
,an kick
’
d stra it up on st,then he
,rar
’
d
an’
fotch a squeal wus nur ara stud hoss in the State,an
sot in tu strait run n in away j is es n atral es yu everseed any uther skeer
’
d hoss du . I let go the line an'
hol ler’
d,W o l dad
,wo l but yu mout j is’ es well say
W oa ! tu a locomotum,ur Suke cow tu a gal .
Gewhil litin s ! how he run : when he cum tu bushes,
he’
d clar the top ove em wif a squeal,gopher an
’
al l .
F’
raps he tho ’t thar mout be anuther settilment ove
ball ho ’
nets thar,an
’ hit wer safer tu go over thanthru
,an
’ quicker dun eny how. Every now an’ then
he’
d fan the side ove hi s bed,fust wif wun fore laig
an’ then tuther
,then he’d gin h issef a roun -handed Slap
what soundid like a waggin whip on tu the place wharthe breechbands tetcheS a hoss
,a-run n in al l the time
an’
a-kerrin that ar gopher j i s ’bout as fas ’ an’
es h i
frum the yeath es ever eny gopher wer kerried I’
ll Swan
SUT LOVINGOOD’S DADDY ACTING HORSE .
He seem’d tu run 3 13 adzactly es fas
’es a h o
‘
net cud fly ;
seed, fu r wun hose to gi t al l the wh ipin .
SUT LOVINGOOD’
S DADDY,ACTING HORSE . 25
When he cum tn the fence,he s tore thru hit, bustin
an’
scatterin n i ontu s even pan ils wif lots ove brokenrails. Rite yere he lef the gopher, geers, close, clevisan
’swi ngltress, all In ix
’
d up,an
’not wuf a durn . Mos
ove his Shut staid on tu the aind ove a rail,an
’ni on tu
a pint ove ho’
nets stop’
d thar a stingin al l over ; hitssmell fool ’d em. The balance on em
,n i on tu a gallun
kep’
on wif dad. He seem’
d tu run j i s adzactly es fas
es a ho’
net cud fly ; hi t wer the titest race I ever seed,
fur wun hoss tu git al l the whipin . Down thru a saigefield they al l wen t
,the ho
’
nets makin hit look like tharwer smoke roun ’ dad’s bald hed
,an
’
he wif nuffin on
the green yeath in the way ove close about im,but the
bridi l, an
’
n i on tu a yard ove plow lin e sail in beh ine,
wif a tir’
d Out ho’
net ridin on the pin t ove h it. I seedthat he wer aimin fur the swimin hole in the kI'ick
,
whar the bluff am over-twen ty five foot pupendiculerm the warter
,an
’
hi ts n i on tu ten foot deep.
W ell,tu keep up his karacter '
es a hoss,plum thru
,
When he got tu the bluff he loped ofl‘
,ur rather j IS’
kep Kerslunge intu the kn'
ck he wen t.I seed the wait erfly plum abuv the bluff from whar I
Nowrite thar,boys
,he over-did the thing
,ef actin
hoss tn the scribe werwhat he wer arter ; fur thars narahem ever foaldid durned fool enuf tu lope over eny
sich plaee ; a cus sed muel mout a dun hit,but dad
warn ’t actin muel,tho’ he orter tuck that karacter ; hits
2
SUT LOVINGoon’
s DADDY,ACTING HORSE
adzactly sooted tu his dispersition, all but not breedinI crept up tn the aidge, an
’
peep’
d over. Thar werdad’s bald hed fur al l the yeath like a peeled inyin
,a
bobbin up an’ down an
’aroun
,an
’the ho
’
nets sailin
roun tuckey buzzard fashun , an’
every oust in a
whi le one,an
’
sum times ten,wud take a dip at dad ’s
bald head. He kep’ up a rite peart dodgin onder
,sum
times afore they hi t im,an
’sumtimes arterard
,an
’
the
warter wer kivered wif drownded ball ho ’
nets. Tulook at hit frum the top ove the bluff,hi t wer pow
’ful
inturestin,an
’ sorter funny ; I wer on the bluff myse’
f,
mine yu.
“Dad cudent see the funny part frum whar he wer,but hit seem’
d tu be inturestin tu h im frum the’
ten
shun he wer payin tn the bisness ove divin an’ cus
sin.
Sez I,Dad
,ef yu’s dun washin yersef,an hes drunk
enufl'
,less go back tu our plowin , hit will soon be pow:
ful hot. ’ ‘Hot—hell sez dad ;‘hit am hot rite now.
Don ’t (an onder wen t his hed) yer see (dip) thesecussed (dip) infun—(dip) varmin ts arter me (dip )W hat
,
’
sez I,
‘them ar hoss flies thar,that’s nat ’ral
,dad ;
you ain t ral ey fear’d ove them is yu ‘HOSS flies l h —1‘
an’
(dip) durnation sez dad,
‘theyse rale ginui —(dip)
ball ho’nets, (dip) yu infunel ignurant cuss l
’
(dip )‘Kick em—bite em—paw em—fl switch emwi f yure tail,dad
,
’sez I. ‘Oh ! soney, soney, (dip) how I
’ll sweeten
yum—(dip) when these (dip) ho
’
nets leave yere.’ Yu ’d
SUT LOVINGoon’
s DADDY,ACTING HORSE 27
better du the levin yursef dad,’
sez I. ‘Leave yere !Sturn yu d—n fool How (dip) kin I, (dip) when theywon ’t (dip) let me stay (dip) atop (dip) the warter even .
’
‘Well, dad, yu’
l hev tu stay thar till ni te, an ’
arter theygoes tu roos’ yu cum home. I
’
l l hev yer feed in the
troft redy ; yu won’t need eny curyin tu-n it’e will yu
‘I wish (dip) I may never (dip) see to-morrer,ef I (dip)
don ’t make (dip) hame strings (dip) outer yure hide(dip) when I dus (dip) git outen yere
,
’
sez dad.
‘Better say yu wish yu may n ever see anuther ballho’
uet,ef yu ever play hoss agin ,’ sez I.
“Them words toch dad tn the hart,an
’ I felt theymus
’
be my las,kn owin dad ’s onmol l ified nater. I
broke frum them parts,an
’ sorter cum over yere tn thecopper mines. When I got tn the hous
’
,
‘W har’
s yer
dad ?’
sezmam.
‘Oh,he turu’d durn fool
,an
’
run away,
busted every thing all tu cussed smash,an
’
s in the
swimin hole a divin arterminners. Look ou t mam,he’ll
cum home wif a angel ’s temper ; better sen’fur sum
strong man body tu keep him frum huggin yu tu deth.
‘Law sakes ! ’ sez mam ;‘I know’
d he enden t act hossfur ten minutes wifout actin infun el fool
,tu save his
I staid hid out outil nex’artern oon
,an
’ I seed a
feller a-travelin’. Sez I
,
‘How de do,mister ? What wer
agwi ne on at the cabin,this side the crick
,when yu
pass’
d thar ‘Oh,nuthin much
,on ly a pow
’
ful fat man
wer a lyin in the yard ontu his belly,wif no shut on
,
28 SUT LOVINGoon’s DADDY
,ACTING HORSE
an’
a’
oman wer a greasin ove his shoulders an’
arms
outen a gourd A pow’
ful curious, vishus, Skeery look
in cuss he is tu b’
shure. His head am as big es a wash
pot, an’he basen t the fast durned sign ove an eye
—j ist
two black slits. Is thar much small pox roun yere‘Small hell ! ’ sez I
,
‘no sir.
’ ‘Been much fightin in thisneighborhood lately ?’ ‘Nun wuf speakin ove,
’
sez I.He scratched his head Nur French measils ‘Not
j i s clost,’ sez I. ‘Well,do yu know what ails that man
back thar ‘Jist gittin over a vil ent attack ove dam
fool,
’
sez I. ‘Well,who is he eny how ?
’ I ris tumy feet, an
’
straiched out my arm,an
’
sez I,
‘Strainger,
that man is my dad.
’
He looked at my laigs an’ pus
sonel feeters a momen t,an
’
sez he,
‘Yas,dam ef he
ain t. ’
Nowboys,I haint seed dad sin ce
,an
’ I dusent hevmuch appertite tu see im fur sum time tu cum. Lassal l drink I Yere’s luck tn the durned old fool, an ’
the
ho’
nets too.
3 0 SUT’
S NEW -FANGLED SHIRT.
flask, at me,) an
’ plan t yersef on tu that ar log, an ’I’
l l
tell ef I kin,but hi t’s a ’mos beyant tellin.
I’
se a durnder fool nor enybody outside a Assalum,
u r Kongriss,’
sceptin ove my own dad,fur he actid
hoss, an’ I hain t tried that yet. I
’
se allers in tu sum
trap what wudn ’
t ketch a saidge-field sheep. I ll drowndmysef sum day, j is see ef I don ’
t. I spects that wudstop the famerly dispersition tu act durn fool
,so fur es
Sut’
s consam’
d”
“Well,how is it Sut ; have you been beat playing
cards or drinking ?”“Nara wun
,by geminy ! them jobs can ’t be did in
these yere parts,es enybody no
’
s on,but seciu hits yu
’
I ’ll tell hit. I’
se Sick-sham’
d-sorry-sore-an’-mad tu kill
,I
is. Yu no I boards wif Bill Carr, at hi s cabin ontu themountin
,an
’ pays fur sich es I gits when I hes munny ,
an’ when I hesent eny, why he takes wun third outer
,
me in holesum hot cu ssin ; an ’
she,that’s his wife Betts
takes tuther three thirds out wif the battlin stick, anthe intrus’ wif her sharp tongue, an
’
she takes morein trus’ nur principal. She’s the cu ssedes
’ oman I everseed eny how,
fur jaw,breedin
,an
’ pride. She kin
scold a blister rite plum on tu a bull ’s curl in two minits. She outbreeds enythi ng frum thar tu the river
,
takin in the minks—an’ pattern s arter al l new fangl
’
d
fashun s she hears tell on frum bu ssils tu britches. Oh !
she’s wun ove em,an
’
sumtimés She’s two ur three,she is.
SUT’
S NEW -FANGLED SHIRT. 3 1
W ell, yu see I’d got hole on sum homade Co
'
ttin
cloff,fur a shi rt
,an
’
coax’
d Betts tu make hit,an
’ boutthe time hit wer dun
,yere cum a cussed stuck up law
yer, name Jonsin,an
’
ax’
d fur brekfus’ —rite yere I
wishes the bread had been asn ick,an
’
the meat strikeni ne
,an
’ that he’d a staid an tuck dinner too,fur he
hes ni on tu fotch about my aind,durn his sashararer
mitimurs ole soul tu thunder !“I wonder hit didn ’t work ’
im pow’ful es hit wer ; fur
Betts cooks up sum tarifyin mixtrys ove Vittils,when
she tries hersef 1’
se pizen proof my sef ; fur thuty
dul lars,I j is ’ let a sluice ove aquafotis run thru me fur
ha’
f a day, an’ then l ive tu spen
’the las
’ durn cen t,fur
churnbrain whi skey ; ef I warnt (holding up his flaskand peeping through it
,) I’d dun been ded long ago.
Well,whil e he wer catin
,she Spied out that his shut
wer mons’
ous stiff,an
’es slick es glass
,so she never
rested ontil l She wurmed hit outen ’im that hit wer
dun wif a flour preparashun . She wen t wif ’
im a pieceove the way down the mountin
,tu git the purticu lers,
an’ when she cum back she sed she had em. I
l
thotshe had myse
’
f
She imejun tly set in,an
’ biled a big pot ove paste,
ui ontu a peek ove hi t, an’ tole me I wer gwine tu hev
‘the gonest purty shut in that range.
’ Well,she wer
sorter rite,fur when I las seed hit hit wer purty—yas
orful’
purty,tu a rat
,ur a buzzard
,ur eny uther varmint
fon ove dirty,Skary lookin things ; but frum the time I
SUT’
s NEW -FANGLED SHIRT.
staid ins ide ove hit,I can ’t say that es a human shut
I ’d gin a durn fur a dozin ove em.
‘Gonest purtyshut —the cussed ole hen jay bird, I j is
’W ish she hed
tu war it wif a redpepper linin’
on till she gits a-pas’
hatch in,an
’ that wud be ni on tu eleving year, ef she
tells the trufl'
.
“She soused my shut in tu the pot,an
’ soaked EEKthar
,outil hi t tuck up mos
’
ove the paste ; tha t she
tuck hi t an’
iron’
d hi t out flat, an’ dry
,an
' sot hit onhits aidge agin the cabin in the sun. Thar hit stood,like a dry hoss hide, an ’
h it rattiled like ontu a Sheetove iron , hit di d, pasted tugether all over genestpurty shut —duru ’d huzzy !“When I cum tu dinn er
,nuffin wud du Betts, but I
mu s’ put myse
’
f in side hit rite thar. She partid the tailsa l ittil piece wif a case n ife
,an
’arter I got my hed star
ted up in tu hit, she’d pull down
,fus
’
at wun tail,an
’
then tuther,outil I wer farly ins ide ove hi t
,an
’ button ’d in . Durn the everlastin
,infunel
,new fangled
sheet iron cus s ove a shut ! I say. I felt lik e I ’d crowded intu a ole bee-
gum,an
’ hit al l ful l ove pissants buthi t wer a
‘born’
d twin ove Lawyer Jon sin ’
s,
’ Bettssed
,an
’ I felt like standin es much pussonal discumfurtes he cud, j is tu git tu sampil arter sumbody human
I didn ’t know,tu
,but what hit hed the vartu ove makin
a lawyer outen me agin hit got limber.“I sot in tu bildin ove a ash -hepper fur Betts
,an
’
work’
d pow’ful hard
,sweat like a hoss
,an
’ then the
SUT’
s NEW -FANGLED SHIRT. 3 3
shut quit hits hurtin,an
’ tuck tu feelin slippery.
Thinks I,that’s sorter lawyer like enyhow,
an‘ Iwer hope
up bout the shut,an
’ what mout cum outen h itArter I got -dun work
,I tuck me a four finger dost
ove bumble-bee whisky,went up in tu the lof’ an
’
fellasleep a-thi nk
'
n bout bein a rale sashararer lawyer,
hoss,saddil bags
,an
’ books ; an ’ Bets wen t over the toptu see her mam.
“Well,arter a while I waked up I’d s
’ been dreamin that the judge ove the supreme cort had me sowedup in a raw hide, an ’
sot up agin a hot pottery kill tudry
,an
’
the dryin woke me.
I now thort I wer ded,an
’
hed died ove rhumat icks
ove the h urtines’ kind All the j ints I cud muve wer
my ankils,knees
,an
’ wrists ; endu’t even move my hed,an
’
scarsely wink my eyes ; the cussed Shut wer pastedfas
’ ontu me al l over,frum the ainds ove the tails tn
the pin ts ove the broad-axe collar over my years. Hitsot tu me es clost es a poor cow dus tu her hide in MarchI worm ’
d an’
strain’
d an’
cu ss’
d an’ grun ted
,till I got hit
sorter broke at the Shoul ders an ’
elbows,an
’ then I dunthe durndes
’
fool thi ng ever did in these yere mountins. I shufll
’
d an’ tore my britches off
,an
’
skin’
d
loose frum my hide bout two inches ove the tail allroun in orful pain
,an quick-stingin trebu lashu n. Oh !
great golly grampus,how it hurt ! Then I tuck up a
plank outen the lof’,an
’ hung my laigs down thru thehole, sot in , an ’
nall’
d the aidge ove the frunt tail tn2*
SUT’
S NEW -FANGLED SHIRT.
the floor afore me,an
’
the hine tail °I nail’
d tn the plankwhat I sot on . I flung the hammer outen my reach, tukeep my hart frum failin me
,onbutton
’
d the collar an ’
risban s,raised my han s way abuv my hed
,shot up
my eyes,sed a short grace
,an
’
jump’
d thru tn the
7groun floor,j is ’ thu teen foot wun inch clear ove
j is ts.”
Here Sut remarked,sadl y shaking his head
,
“George,
I’
se a durnder fool nor dad -hoss,ho
’
nets,an
’ gopher.I ’ll hev tu drown ’d mysef sum ove these days
,see ef I
don ’t. ”“Well
, go on Sut ; di d the shi rt come off?
I— t-h -i-n -k—h -i-t d id.
I hearn a n ise like tarin a Shingle ruff ofen a bous ’ atwun rake
,an
’
felt like my bones wer al l what lef theShut
,an
’
reach’
d the floor. I stagger’
d tumy feet, an ’
tuck a moanful look up at my shut. The nails hedhi lt thar holt
,an
’ so hed the tail hem ; thar hit wer hanginarms down
,in side out
,an
’ j is ’ es stiff es ever. Hi.look
’
d like a map ove Mexico, arter one ove the wurstbattils. A patch ove my skin
’bout the size ove a dullar
,ur a dul lar an
’
a’
alf bill yere,a bunch ove har bout
like a bird’s nes’ thar
,then sum more skin
,then sum
paste,then a l ittil more har
,then a heap ove skin
har an’
Skin straight along all over that n ewfangl’
d
everlastin’
,infunel pasted cuss ove a durud shut ! Hit
wer a picter tu look at,an
’
so wer I.“The hide
,har
,an
’ paste wer about ekally devided
SUT’S NEW -FANGLED SHIRT.
I hearn a n’ise tarin
’a shingle rufl
'
ofen a bone”at wun rake , an ’
fel t l ike my bones wer
111what lef the shu t,an
’reached the floor.” Page 34.
3 6 SUT s NEW -FANGLED SHIRT.
see ef I don ’t,that is ef I don ’t die frum that hel lfired
shut. Now George, ef a red -heded ’oman wif a reel
foot axes yu tu marry her, yu may du
wan ts yu tu kil l her husbun , yu may dohit ; ef a gal
axes yu tu rob the bank,an
’
take her tu Californy, yumay du hit ; ef wun on em wan ts yu tu quit whisky
,
yu mau l even du that. But ef ever an’
oman,ole ur
yung,purty es a sunflower ur ugly es a skin d hoss
,
Offers yu a shut an in ted wif paste tu put on , j is ’ yu killher In her tracks, an ’ burn the cussed pisnus shut ritethar. Take a ho’
n ?
THE WIDOW MC CLOUD ’
S MARE.
THAR cum tu this country,on st
,a cussed sneakin
lookin rep-tile
,name Stilyards He wer hatched in a
crack— in the fiosty rocks,whar nutmaigs am made
outen maple,an
’ whar wimmin pain ts clock-faces an ’
pin ts shoe -
paigs, an’
the men inven ts rat-traps,man
traps,an
’
new fangled doctrins fur the aid ove the devilIn fac
’ hit am his gardi n,whar he k in grow what won ’
t
sprout eny whar else.
“Well,this critter look ’
t like a cross atween a blacksnake an
’
a fireman’
s ladder. He wer eighteen an’
a
’
alf hans high,an
’
modeled like on tu a shingle maker’sshavin hoss
,an
’
wer es yal ler as a warter dorg wif thejanders. His eyes wer like on tu a coon ’
s,an
’
hi s footwer the biggest chunk ove meat an
’ knotty bones Iever seed tu hev no guts intu hi t. Now ef he hed wun
gif what wud make yu take tu h im,I n ever seed hit
,
an’
ef he ever did a good u r a straight ahead thing,I
never hearn ove hi t. He cud praps be skar’d intuactin rite fur a min it ur two at a time
,but hi t wudn
’
t
las’
; He cum amung us a ole field school-marster
3 8 THE WIDOW MC CLOUD’
S MARE .
soon shed that shell,an
’
cum ou t es oily,slippery a
lawyer as ever tuck a f ee. Why,he
’
d a hilt his ownin a pond full ove eels
,an
’
a swal lerd the las durn one
ove em,an
’ then sot the pond tu turn in a shoe-
paig
mill. W el l'
he practised on al l the misfortinat devilsroun that sarkit
,till he got Sassy, got Diggers, get rich,
got forty mau lin s fur his nastiness,an
’ tu put a cap
sheaf ontu his stack ove raskal l ity, got religion , an’
got tu Congress.The fust thing he did thar, wer to proffer tu tend
the Capitol groun s in inyun s, an’ bean s
,on the Shears
,
an’ tu sell the statoot ove Columbus tu a tenpin alley
,
fur a Sign,an
’
the she inj un wif him,tu send back th e
balls. He stole the Romun swoard ofen the s tone pieterove W ar thar
,an
’
fotch hit tu his wife fur a meat-chopper. He practised lor on tu yu fur eny thi ng yu hed,frum a hanful ove chesnuts tu a plantushu n , an
’ tu tellhi t al l in a mini t
,when he dies
,he’ll make the fastes
trip tn the sen ter ove soot, sorrer, an ’ smoke,on record
,
not even sceptin ole Iskariott’
s fas’ time.
Well,a misfortini t devil happen ’d tu steal a hoss by
.
Accidi nt, got Stilyards tu’fend him
, got in tu the pen iten sary, an
’
Stil yards got al l he h ed—a half houn ’ dorg
,
an’
a ole eight day Yankee clock, fur sendin him thar.
He tuck a big young mar frum a widdar name Me
Cloud,fur losin a land case. So he walked out in tu
that n eighborhood tu gether up an ’ tote home his fees,
an’ I met up wif him. He hed the clock tied on tu his
THE WIDOW MC CLOUD’
S MARE . 3 9
back pedler fashun, leadin the mar in wu n han’
an’
the
dorg by a rope wif tuther. The dorg wer interprisin an
’
led too fas ’—the mar wer sulky an’
led tu slow,an
’
the
clock wer heavy,an
’
the day hot, an’
he wer bevin ove
a good time gineraly wif his fees,his sweat
,an
’ hismean thoughts. So he cumenced tryin tu hi re me tuhelp him tu town
,fur a gill ove whisky.
Now,wbn the devil ever hearn tell ove a gill ove
whisky,in these parts afore ? Why hit soundid sorter
like a inch ove cord-wood, ur a ounce ove cornshuks.
Hit ’
Su lted me. So I sot in tu fix a way tu put a gillur so ove pussonal discumfort onder his shut, an
’ I didhi t Sez I
,
‘Yu mout save that whisky ef yu dus’
es
I tells yuJis ’ yu git atop, an
’
outside that she hoss thar,tie
that ar dorg’
s rope roun her n eck,set the time-mill up
on tu her back,ahi ne yu ,
an’
tie hit roun yersef thatmakes her tote the furni ture
,tote yu , an
’ lead yervalerabil dorg, whi le yu governs the muvemin t wif a
good hi ckory,an
’ them bridil strings,don ’t yu see ?
’
“He pouched out his monf,nodded h is hed five ur Six
times,a-bendin but wun j In t ’bout the mi dil ove that
long yal ler neck ove hisn,an
’
said,
‘Yas,a good sur
gistshun , mister Lovingood,’ an ’ I sot in tu help h imfix things. I peeled lots ove good bark
,sot the clock
on ain d back tu back wif him ontu the mar’s bar cup
pliu,an I tied hi t roun hi s cackus like I men t them tu
stick es long es hit run,ur he l ived
,an
’ hit cum durud
40 THE WIDOW MC CLOUD’
S MARE .
ni doin hit. He sed he thot the thi ng wud work, an’
so did I. By golly,I seed the redish brown fire a play
in in the mar’s eyes
,an
’
a quick tvvitch in in her flank.
what I knowd,an
’
onderstood tu mean,that she’d
make orful things happen purty duru’d soon. The
sharp pin t ove Stilyard’
s tail bone,an
’
the clock laigswer a makin lively surgistshins tu a devil in tu her esbig as '
a yearl in .
All wer redy fur the show tu begin .
‘Yu git up,
yu pesky critter,’ sed he, a -makin his heels meet,an
’
crack onder her belly. Well She did ‘ git up,
’ ritethen an
’ thar,an
’ staid up long enuf tu lite twen ty footfurther away
,in a broad trimbl in squat
,her tail hid
a -tween her thighs,an
’
her years a dancin a-
pas’
eachuther
,like scissors a-cu ttin. The jolt ove the litin set
the clock tu strik in . Bang-zee-bang-zee whang-zee.
She l istined pow’
ful’tentive tu the three fus ’ licks
,an
’
they seem’
d tu go thru an’ thru her as quick es quick
silver wud git thru a Sifter. She waited fur no more,
but s’
gin her hole soul up tn the wun job ove run ~
n in frum onder that infun el Yankee,an
’
his hive ove
bumble bees,ratil snakes
,an
’ other orfu l burtin thi ngs,
es she tuck hit tu be. I knows how she felt ; I’se beenin the same ’bout five hundred times, an ’ durn mycacku s ef she didn ’t kerry out my idears ove gittin outentrubil fus
’ rate.
“Every jump She made,She jerk
’t that misfortinat
dorg six foot upard, an’
thurty foot onward Sumtimes
THE WIDOW MC CLOUD’
S MARE . 41
he l it on hi s starn , sumtimes on his snout,then on tu
bof ainds at wu nst. He changed Sides every utherlunge
,clar over Stilyards, an
’his hour-mill tu. He
sed O ! Cutch “
every time he lit,in houn talk loud
enuff tu skeer the devil. An
,
the road wer sprinkledworm fence fashun , like on tu a drunken man a-totin a
leaky jug.
“The duru’d ole clock,hit got exhited too
,an
’ los’
con trol ove hi ts sef, an ’
furgot tu stop, but s SCIzzed
an’
whang’
d away strait along,an
’
the mar a hearin hital l
,an
’
a b’
levin the soun ’ tu ’
be cumin n igher tu herInards every pop. She thort
,too
,that four hundred
black an’tan houn ’
dorgs wer cumpassin her etarnal
ruin .
“She seed cm above her,below her—behine her
afore her— an’on bof sides ove her
,eny whar, every
whar,nuflinbut houn ’
dorgs. An she j is ’ tried tu run
outen her sorril hide. I seed her two hine shoes shininway up in the a
’
r,like two n ew moon s. I know’
d she
wer a-m In In sum high pressure v ishus kickin,wif a
heap ove as yearnest, an’
fas’runn in es hos ses eve:
’
dulges in.
W e yeow now !’ I hearn this
,Sprinkled in now
an’ then wif the yowls ove the dorg
,an
’
the whangin
ove the clock,an
’
al l hit Cut-dun wif the mity n ise ove
clatterin huffs,an
’
crashin brush.
Stil yards sot humpt up, his puddin foots lock’
d ou
der that Skeerd critter’s belly,an
’ his paws wove intu
42 THE WIDOW MC CLOUD’
S MARE .
her mane,double tWill ’d I speck she thot the devil
wer a-huggin her,an
’
she wer durud n ear right.“Thinks I
,ole feller
,if yu gain this suit
, yu may
ax Satun,when yu sees him,
fur a par‘
ove l isence tupractize at hi s cort. He’ll Sign em
,sure.
“I cut acrost the ridge,what the road woun roun ’
,an
’
got whar I end see em a cummin,sorter to ’
ards me
agi n. She wer streched ou t Strait as a string,an
’
so
wer he— he wer roostin pow’
fu l low on tu her withers,
his long arms locked roun her n eck,his big feet a fly
ln about in the air,each '
Side ove her tail,sorter l im
ber like,an
’the dorg mu s
’
hev been n igh on tu killeddead
,fur bof h is hin e laigs wer gone plumpt up tu his
cuplin ,an
’
a string ove inards cumin outen the hole hislaigs hed lef, wer a flutterin arter h im like a bolt ovegrey ribbon
,slappin agin the saplin s, an
’ stumps,an
’
gettin longer every Slap. His paun ch wer a bobbin upan
’ down about a foot ahine whar the pin t ove his tailused tu be. Ef he yowld any now
,I didn ’t hear hit.
“That clock,the cussed mischeaf-makin mercheen
,
the cause ove al l this onyeathly ni se,trubbil
,an
’
vex-I
ashun ove sperit, wer still on tu ole Stilyards’
s back,an
’
a maulin away as ef hit wer In the strait line ove a
hou shole j uty, an the bark wer a boldi n hits holt powful well
,con siderin the strain . They met a ole bald
heded,thick-sot feller a-cummin frum mill
,a-ridin
on tu a grist ove meal,an
’
hit on a blaze-face hoss,wif
burs in his tail. He wer totin a kaig ove strain’
d hou
44 THE WIDOW MC CLOUD’
S MARE.
An’
a heap more pieces ?Yes. ”
An’
smalleI wuns ?Yes.”
Splin ters,an
’ scraps perdominant ?Yes.
”
An’
not wuf a durn,by a duller an ’
a’
alf?
Yes. ”
Well, yu kin sorter take in the tremenjus idear ovc
that spot ove sandy road,wha r Stilyards met the bald
heded man . That onl ucky ole cuss lit twen ty foot outin the woods never look ’
d back,but sot his trampers
tu work,an distributed hissef sumwhar toward the
Black Oak Ridge. The’oman hu ng by wun foot in the
fork ove a black-jack,an
’
a -holdin tu a ’ dogwood lim’
wi‘
her han s,an’she hol lerin
,surter spiteful like Split
the black-jack,ur fetch a quilt Nuffin ove the sort
wer dun whil est I wer thar, es I knows on. Stilyards
wer ni tuther side ove the road,flat ontu his back
,
fain ted cumfortabil,an
’ quiet as a sick sow in a snowstorm
,hi s arms an ’
laigs .
stretched till he look ’d like a
big letter ! . His hat wer sumwhar,an
’
a boot sumwhar else. His clothes wer in strings, like he’d beenShot thru a thorn thicket
,outen a canyun. His nose
wer a bleedin j is’ about rite tu bring ’im too sumtime
to’
ards the middil ove the arternoon. His eyes wershot up
,an
’ his face wer pucker’
d like a wet sheep-skinafore a hot fire
,an
’
he look’
d sorter like he’d been
THE WIDOW MC CLOUD’
S MARE .
studyin a deep plan tu cheat sumbody,an’
hed miss’
d.
The dorg— that is what wer lef eve’im—wer a -lyin
ben t over the top eve a saplin stump, an’
the tuther
aind eve his inards wer tangled up amung the mar’
s
hine laigs, an ’
she wer stretched out in runn in shape,not
hurt a bit,only her naik wer broke, an ’
a spin in-wheel
Spoke a-stickin atween her ribs a foot ur so deep. Ole
Ball-face wer ontu his side, now an’ then liftin his head
an’ takin a leek at the surroundin deserlashun an
’
sorrer. The ole time coun ter wer a-leanin up agi n a
tree,sum bark still roun hit
,the door gone
,the face
smashed,but still true tu what hit thort hits juty, j i s
bangin'
away es regn ler es ef hit wer at home ; an’ I
reckon hits at hit yet. Thar wer hon ey-kaig hoops,
heads,an
’ Staves,an’ spinn in -wheel spokes
, permiskusly
scattered all about, an ’
meal sprinkil ed ever everybody,
Jis’ then a feller what look ’
t like he meut be a
tract sewer,ur a map agen t
,rid up an ’ tuck abig look
al l roun . Sez he,‘Mister
,did the l iten in hurt ya
Sez I,
‘.Wus nur l iteni n ; a powder mil l busted ’
The
’oman In t he black-jack hol ler
’
d at h imj is’ then,
savidge as a cat,
‘Look tutherway, yu cussed imperdin thoun He hed tu turn his hed tu see whar the visecum frum ; he j is’ look ’
t one squin t,an
’
sed,
‘Greathevings !
’
an’
gin his hoss a orful dost eve whip an’
spurs,an
’. lef
’a-flyin , an
’he tolt at town what he ’d
seed. Th e feller wer “
orful skeer’
d,an
’
no wonder :
46 THE wmow Mo CLOUD’
s MARE.
he’
d‘ seed enuf tu skeer . a saw-mill plum ofen the
krik.
“I now tuck the meal-bag, put in the remnan t ovethe dorg
,an
’ sich ove the honey es I cud scoop.
up,an
’d raw
’
d hi t over '
Stilyards’
s head,tied hit tite
roun his n aik,in hopes hi t mout help fetch h im tu
sooner ; Split the black-jack,an
’lef in a lope. I beam
the’oman squall arter me
,
‘Never mind,laigs, I
’
ll pay
yu She hain t dun hit yet.“I tuck the road Stilyards, an
’
the mar,an
’v h is
tuther geer,hed cum over so fur, an
’
pass’
d a cabinwhar a ole
’oman dress ’d in a pipe an’
a stripid aprun
wer a -standin on the ash -hopper lookin up the road lik eshe wer
’
spectin tu see sumthin soon. Sez she,
‘talkin’bout es fas ’ es a flutter-mill ‘Say yu ,
mister,did yu
meet enythi ng onkimon up thar ?’ I shook my head.‘Well
,
’
sez she, jupmin ofen the hopper an
’
a-shakinthe ashes outen her coteail
,an
’ settin her specks back,
‘Mister,I’se plum outdun . Thar’s sumthin pow
’ful
wickid gwin e on. A crazy organ -grinder cum a-
pas’
yere j is’ a small scrimpshun slower nur chain l iten in,on a hoss wif no tail. His organ wer tied on tu hisback", an ’
wer a-
playin that good tchune, ‘Sugar in theGourd,’ ur ‘Barbary Allin
,
’ I dunn o whi ch,an
’ his mom
key wer a-dancin Hail Columby al l over the road,an'
hits tail wer es long es my clothes-line an’
purfeckly
bar ove har. He hed no hat on,an
’wun ove his boots
flew off as he passed yere, an’ lit on the smoke-bus.
THE wmow MC CLOUD’
s MARE.
Thar hit is ; he mus’ been a pow
’
ful big man,fur hi ts
like on tu a indigo ceroon.
’
All this wer sed wifout takin one brefl'
.
I tole her hi t wer the advance gard ove a big
sarkis purclaimin hits cummin , ur the merlennium,an
’
duru’d ef I know’
d which“She
’lowed hit enden t be the merlennium,fur hi t
warn t a playin hyme-tchunes ; nur a sarkis either,fur
the hoss warn ’t spotted. But hit mout be the Devilarter a tax collector
,.ur a miss ionary on his way tu
China ; hit look ’
d ugly enuf tu be one,an
’fool enuf tu
be tuther. She wer pow’
fully exersised ; she sweat an ’
snorted onder hit.“Now don ’t yu b
’leve,es soon es Stilyards cum tu,
an’ got outen the bag, he sot in an
’ burn ed the mar’
so
es tu hide her,an
’ then,at n ex
’ cort,z'
ndz'
ted me fur
stea lin her,an
’ duru ’d ni provin hit ; now hain t that theDevil
“W hat ever become of Stilyards, Sut, anyhow ?I dono ; ef he haint in Congriss he
’
s gone tu h—l.
PARSON J OHN BULLEN’S LIZARDS.
AIT DULLARS ‘
REW ARD.
‘TENSHUN BELEVERS AND KONSTABLES ! KETCH ’
1M l
KETCH ’
1M l
THIS kash wil be pade in korn,ur uther projuce, t
‘
a
be kolected at ur about nex camp-meetin,a r thararter
,
by eny wun what ketches him,fur the karkus ove a
sartin wu n SUT LOVINGOOD,dead ur alive
,ur ailin
,
an’ safely giv over tu the purtectin
' care ove ParsonJohn Bullin
,ur lef
’ well tied,at Squire Mackjunkin s,
fur the raisin ove the devil pu ssonely, an’
permiskusly
discumfurtin the wimen very powerful,an
’
skeerin ove
folks generly a heap,an
’ bustin up a promisin , bigwarm meetin
,an
’a makin the wickid larf, an ’ wus
,an
’
wu s, insu ltin ove the passun orful .
Test,
JEHU W ErHERo.
Sined by me,
JOHN BULLEN,the passun .
I found written copies of the above highly intelligi ~ble and
i
vindictive proclamation,stuck up on every
r umor: J OHN BULLEN’
S LIZARDS . 49
blacksmi th shop, doggery, and store door, in the FrogMountain Range. Its blood-thirsty Spirit
,itsstyle
,and
above al l,its chi rography
,in terested me to the extent
of taking one down from a tree for preservation .
In a few days I found Sut m a good crowd in frontof Capehart
’s Doggery, and as he seemed to be abou t in
good tune,I read it to h im.
Yas,,
George,that ar dockymint am i n dead yearn
ist sartin. Them hard shells over thar dus want methe w'us kine
,powerful bad Bu t
,I spect ait dul lers
Won ’t fetch me,n ither wud ait hundred
,bekase thar’s
nun ove’em fas
’
enuf tu keteh me,n itheris thar hosses
by the livin j ingo ! Say, George, much talk’bout this
fuss up whar yu ’re been ? For the sake of a joke ‘ Isaid yes, a great deal.Jis ’ es I ’
spected , durn ’em al l git drunk
,
’
an ’
Skeerthar fool sefs ui ontu deth
,an then lay hit
‘
on tu me,a
poor innersent youf, an’
“
es soun ’a belever es they l s.
‘
Lite,lite
,ole feller an ’
let tha t roan ove yourn blow a
litll , an’rn spamthis cussed misfortnit affar i hit hes
minated 'my karactér es a pius pus sou ~
i n: the S’ciety'
roun ’ yere,an
’ is a Spreadin faster nur mea‘
z'
ils.
i
whenever yu hear eny on
’em aspreadin
’hit,gin
f'hit
‘the‘
dam
lie s qiiar,’will yu f? I haint dun niiffin tu
’one
'
ove’ein.
bfit they haint me’
mb‘
ers, es 1 knows on.
RatM fipringQ an’
,wer a sittin ‘ in f
a‘
n ice Shady;
3
50 mason J OHN BULLEN’
S LIZARDS.
place convarsin wif a frien’ove mine
,in tu the huckil
berry thickit, J IS
’ duin nuffin tu nobody an’makin no
fuss,when
,the fust thing I remembers
,I woke . up
frum a tran ce what I hed been knocked in ter by a four:
year old hickory-stick,hilt in the paw ove ole Passun
Bul lin,durn his al ligater hide ; an ’
he wer standin a
striddil ove me,a
‘
foamin at the mouf,a ochompin his
teeth—gesterin wif the hickory club—an’
a-
preachin
tu me so you cud a-hearn h im a mile,abr 'ut a sartin
sin s gineraly, an’my wickedness pu sson ely an
’
men
sun in the name ove my frien’ loud enuf tu hearn
tu the meetin’ous. My poor innersent frien
’
wer dun
gone an’ I wer glad ove hit
,fur I tho ’t he men t tu kil l
me rite whar I lay, an’ I didn ’t wan t her tu see me die.
”
“Who was she,the friend you speak of Sut Sut
Opened hi s eyes wide.
Hu the devil,an
’durnashun tole ya that hit wer a
she ?”
“Why,you did
,Su t
’
I didn ’
t,durn ef I did. Ole Bul lin dun hi t
,an
’ I ’llhev tu kill h im yet, the cussed
,infernel ole t ale
barer 1”“Well
,well
,Sut
,who was she ?
Nun ove y-u -r-e b-i-s-n -i-s-s
,durn y ure littil ank shus
picter ! I sees ya a lickin ove yu re lips. I will tell youone thing
,George ; that ~n ight, a neighbor gal got a al l
fired,overhandid stroppin frum her mam
, wif a stirrupleather, an ’
ole . Passun Bullin,hed -et supper thar, as
52 PARSON J OHN BULLEN’S‘LIZARDS.
the pul pit, an’
kivvered es much Ove '
my straitch’
d facees I could wif my han
’s,tu prove I wer in y
Hit tuck powerful— fur I hearn a sorter thankful kineove buzzin al l over the congregashun . Ole Bullin h issef looked down at me
,over hi s Ole copper specks
,an
’
hit sed j is ’ es plain es a look cud say hi t :‘Yu am
thar,ar you
-durn yu,hits well fur yu that yu -
cum .
’ Itho ’t sorter diffren t frum that I
' tho ’t hit wud a beenwell fur yu , ef I hadent a-cum
,but I didn ’t say hit j is
then. Thar wer a mon stru s crowd "in that grove, “fur the
weather wer fine,an
’
b’
levers wer plenty roun’about
Rattilsn aik Springs. Ole Bullin gin ou t,an
’ they sungthat hyme
, yu know
Thar will be mourn in , mourn in yere, _ an’
mourn in that ,
On that dredful day t u cum.
”
Thin ks I,ole hoss
,kin hit be possibi
'
l enybody hes
tole yu what’s a gwme tu happin ; an
’ then -I tho ’t thatnobody know’
d hi t zbut me,and I wer cumforted.
~~He
nex tuck hi sself a tex pow’
fly mixed wif brimstone, an’
trim’
d wif blue flames,an
’ then he open’
d .He cum~
menced ontu the sinn ers ; he threaten ’
d’em orful , ,
tried
tu skeer ’
em wif al l th e wust varmin ts he cud thinkove
,an
’arter a while he got ontu the idear ove Hell
sarpints, and he dwelt on it sum. He tole ’em
‘ how theole Hell-sarpints wud sarve em if they didn ’t repen thow cold they ’d crawl over thar nakid bodys
,
‘
an’how
like ontu pitch they ’d stick tu ’emes they crawled ; how
PABSON J OHN BULLEN’
S LIZARDS . 53
they ’
d rapthar tails roun’ thar naiks chokin clost
,poke
thar tungs up thar noses,an
’ hiss in tu thar years. Thi swer the way. they wer . tu sarve men folks. Then heturned on tu the 'wimmen : tole ’
em how they’d quil e intu thar buzzims
,an
’how they wa d crawl down onder
thar frock-strings,no odds how tite they tied ’
em,an
’
how
sum ove . the oldes’
an’ wus ones wud crawl up thar
laigs , an’
travil onder thar garters, no odds how tightthey tied them
,an
’ when the two armys ove , Hellsarpents
'
met,then That las ’ remarkfotch
’
em. Ove
al l the Screamin,an
’
hol lerin,an
’ loud cryin, I everhearn
,begun al l at onst
,al l over the hole groun ’
~ J i s’
es h e: hollered out that w ord ‘ then .
’He kep on a bel
lerin,but I got so buisy J 1s
’ then,that I didn ’t listen tu
him much,fur I saw that my time fur ackshun hed
cum. Now yu see,George
,I ’d cotch seven ur eight big
pot-bellied l izzards,an
’
hed’
em in a l ittil narrer bag,
what I had made a-
purpu s. Thar tails all at the bottim
,an
’
so crowdid fur room that they enden t turnroun ’
. So when he wer a-ravin on tu hi s,
tip-toes,an
’
a-
poundin the pulpit wif hi s fis’—_onbenowenst tu enybody
,I ontied my bag ove reptiles
,put the monf ove
hit onder the bottim ove hi s britches-laig, an ’
sot in tupinchin thar tail s. Quick es gunpowder they al l tuckup hi s bar laig, :makin a nise lik e squirrils a-climbin a
shell-bark hickory. He stop ’t preachin rite in the
middi l ove the' word ‘damnation
,
’
an’ looked fur a mO
ment like he wer. a .l istenin fur sum thin—sorter like 2
54 PABSON J OHN BHLLEN’
S m ums;
ole sow dus,when she h ears yu a-whi stlin fur the dorgs.
The tarifick shape ove his feeters stopp ’t the shoutin
an’
screamin ; in stun tly yu cud hearn a cricket chirp;I gin a long groan ,
an’ hilt my head a-twixt my knees.
He gin hisself sum orful open -handed slaps wif fust onehan
’
an’ then tu ther
,about the place whar yu cut the
bes’ steak outen a beef. Then he ’
d fetch a v igrus ruffrub whar a hosses tail sprouts ; then he’d stomp one
foot,then tu ther
,then bof at Onst Then he run his
han’
atween hi s waisbun an’hi s shut an ’
reach’
d way
down,an
’ roun ’
wif hit ; then he spread his big laigs,an
’
gin his back a good rattlin rub agin the pulpit,like
a hog scratches hisself agin a stump,lean in tu hit
pow’
ful,an
’twitch in ,
an’
squ irmin al l over,es ef he
’
d
slept in a dorg bed,u r on tu a pisant hill. About this
time,one ove my l izzards scared an
’ hurt by al l this
poundi n’an
’
feel in,an
’
scratchi n, popp
’
d out h is headfrum the passun
’
s Shut collar,an
’ his Ole brown naik,
an’
wer a-surveyin the crowd,when ole Bullin struck
at’
im,j is’ too late
,fur he
’
d dodged back agin. The
bel l desarvin ole rask il s speech now cum tu ’im
,a’n
sez he,
‘Pray fur me brethren an’
sisteren,fur I is a
rastil in wif the great inimy rite now an’ his voice wer
the mos’ pitiful
,trimblin thing I ever hearn . Sum ove
the wimmen fotch a painter yell,an
’
a young docter,
wif ramrod laigs, leau’d toward me monstrus knowin
like,an
’
sez he,
‘Olar case ove Del ishus Tremenjus. ’ Inodded my head. an
’
sez I,
‘Yas,spechuly the tremeur
PARSON J OHN BULLEN’
S LIZARDS. 55
j us part, an’
Ise feard hit hain t at hits worst. Ole
Bul lin ’s eyes wer a-sticki n out like on tu two buckeyesflung agin a mud wall
,an
’
he wer a-cutt in up mOreshin es n or a cockroach in a hot skillet. Off wen t theclamhammer coat
,an
’
he flung hit ahin e ’
im like he wera-gwine in tu a fight ; he hed no jackid tu take off
,so
he unbuttond his galluses,an
’
vigru sly flung the aindsback over hi s head '
He fotch his shut over-handed a
durnd site faster n or I got outen my pasted one, an’ then
flung hit strai t up in the air,like he j is ’ wanted hit tu
keep on up fii rever ; but hi t lodged on tu a black-jack,
an’ I sed one ove my l izzards wif his tail up, a-racin
about al l over the ole dirty shut,skared too bad tu.
jump. Then he gin a sorter shake,an
’a stompin kin e
ove twis’
,an
’
he cum outer hi s britches. He tuck ’em
by the bottim ove the laigs, an’ swung ’
em roun ’
hi s
head a time ur two,an
’ then fotch ’
em down cheral l -up
over the frun t ove the pulpit. You cud a hearn the
smash a quarter ove a mile ! Ni on tu fifteen shorten’
d
biskits,a boiled chicken
,wif hits laigs crossed, a big
dubbil -bladed knife,a hunk ove terbacker
,a cob-pipe
,
sum copper ore,lots ove broken g lass, a cork, a sprink il
ove whisky, a squi rt, an’ three lizzards flew permis
ku sly al l over that meetin -groun ’
,outen the upper aind
ove them big flax britches. One ove the smartes ’ ovemy lizzards lit head-fust in tu the buzzim ove a fat
’
oman,es big es a skin ’
d hoss,an
’ni on tu es ugly
,who
sot thu ty yards off,a fannin hersef wif a tucky-tail
56 PABSON J OHN BULLEN’
S LIZARDS.
Smart tu the las ’, by golly, he imejuntly commenced
run nin down the centre ove her breas ’-bone, an ’kep on
,
I speck She wer j is ’ boun ’ tu fain t ; an’she did hi t
fust rate— flung the tucky-tail up in the air,grabbed
the lap ove her gown, gin hit a big histin an
’
fallinshake
,rolled down the hill
,tangled her laigs an
’ gartersin the top ove a huckilberry bush, wif her head in thebranch an
’
J i s’lay still. She wer in terestin , she wer,
ontil a serious-lookin,pale-faced
’oman hung a nankeen
ridin skirt over the huckilberry bush. That wer al l thatwer ! dun to
’
ards bringin her too,that I seed. Now
ole Bullin hed nuffin left on tu ’im but a par ove heavy,
low quarter’
d shoes,short woolen socks
,an
’
eel -skingarters tu keep off the cramp. His skeer hed druv himplum crazy
,fur he felt roun ’
in the air,abuv his head
,
like he wer huntin sumthin in the dark,an
’he bel ler
’
d
out,
‘Brethren,brethren
,take keer ove yerselves, the
Hell-sarpints has got me When this cum out, yu cud
a-hearn the screams tu Halifax. He J l s’
Spit in hishan ’s
,an
’ loped over the frun t ove the pulpid kerdtfi”
!
He lit on top ove,an
’ rite amung the mos’ pius part Ove
the congregashun. Ole Misses Chaneyberry sot wif herback tn the pulpit
,sorter stoopin forrid. He lit a
stradi l ove her long naik, a shuttin her up wif a snap,
her head atwix her kn ees, like shuttin up a jack-knife,
an’
he sot intu gittin away hi s levil durndest ; he wen tin a heavy lumberin gal lop, like a ole fat waggon homskared at a locomotive; When he jumpt a bainch he
PABSON J OHN BULLEN'S LIZARDS . 57
shOok the yeath. The bonn ets,an
’
fans clar’d the wayan
’ jerked most ove the children wif em,an
’
the rest hescrunched. He open
’
d a purfeckly clar track tn the
woods,ove every livin thing . He weighed u i on tu
three hundred,hed a black stripe down h is back
,like
ontu a ole bridil rein,an
’
hi s belly wer ’bout the size,
an’ color ove a beef paun ch
,an
’ hit a-swingin ou t frumSide tu side ; he leaud back fi'
um hi t,lik e a l ittil fel
~ler a-totin a big drum,at a muster
,an
’ I hearn h itplum tu whar I wer. Thar wer cramp-kn ots on his
laigs ,
es big es walnuts,an
’mottled splotches on hi s
shi ns ; an ’ takin him al l over,he minded ove a durnd
crazy ole elephant, pussessed ove the devil
,rared up on
hi ts hin d aind,an
’
j is’
gittin frum sum imij ut danger urtribu lashun . He did the loudest
,an
’
skariest,an
’
fus
siest runnin I ever seed,
‘
tu -be no faster nur hit wer,
Since dad tned t’u o‘utrun the ho ’
nets.
“Well,h e disapear
’
d in the thicket j is ’ bustin—an’
Ove all the noises yu ever hearn,wer made thar on that
wimen screamin— they wer the
skeery ones ; sum larfin—they wer the wicked ones ;sum cryin
— they wer the fool ones, (sorter my stripe yusum tryin ,
tu git away wif thar faces red— theywer the modest ones ; sum lookin arter ole Bullin— theywer the curious ones sum hangin clost tu thar sweethearts—they wer the sweet ones ; sum on thar kn eeswif thar eyes shot, but facin the way the ole mud turtil
.wer a-runninfi they wer.the
’
saitful ones ; sum .duin3 >K
58 PARSON J OHN BULLEN’
S LIZARDS.
nu th in—they wer the waitin ones ; an ’
the mos’
dan
gems ove al l ove em by a durud long site.
“I tuck a big skeer mysefarter a few rocks, an’ sich
like fruit,spattered on tu the pulpit n i on tu my head ;
an’
es the Lovingoods, durn em ! knows nuflin but turun
,when they gits skeerd
,I j is’ put out fur the swamp
on the krick. As I started,a black bottil ove bald-face
smashed agin a tree furn in st me,arter missin
ove my head’bout a inch. Sum durn
’
d fool professordun this
,who hed more zeal or sence ; fur I say that
eny man who wud waste a quart ove even mean
sperrits, fur the chance ove knockin a poor ornarydevil like me down wif the bottil
,is a bigger fool nor
ole Squire Mackmu l len,an
’
he tried tu shoot hissefwita onloaded hoe-handle.
”
“Did they catch you Sut ?Ketch thunder ! No sir ! j i s
’ look at these yerelaigs ! Skeer me
,hoss
, j i s’ skeer me
,an
’ then watchme whi le I stay in site
,an
’
yu’
l l never ax that foolquestion agin. Why
,durn it
,man
,that’s what the ait
du l lers am fur.
“Ole Barbelly Bullin ,es they calls ’
im now,never
preached outil yesterday,an
’
he hadn ’t the fust durn ’
d’
Oman tu hear ’
im,they hev seed too much ove
’
im. Pas
sun s ginerly hev a pow’
ful strong holt on wimen ; but,hoss
,I tell yu thar ain
’t meny ove em kin run startnakid over an ’ thru a crowd ove three hundred wimenan
’not injure thar karacters sum. Enyhow,
hits a
ARAZOR-GRINDERINATHUNDER-STORM.
FRUM the orfu l faces yu’
s a-makin at that ar scrapove lookin -glass
, yu wan ts tu skeer yure picter, ur yu ’set sumthin what hes cuttin aidges ; whi ch is hit
,
George ?“Neither said I.Well
, p’
raps sumbody hes been a-cuttin shoe-stringsouten a sandy deer-skin wif yur rayshure ; yu wantshi t ground
,don ’t yu ? Bake Boyd
’s man cud a dun
hit.“Wh o was Bake Boyd’s man ? was he a negro ?Wus nor that ; he wer a mighty mean Yankee ray
shure grinder,what wun st cum tu Knoxville a foot
back,wif a mercheen strapt ontu his shoul ders like on
tu a paten t corn -sheller,an
’
he narated hit about,that
he would grind raysures, scissors, ur pin t needil s, mon
s’ous cheap. He soon got tu grindin away fus ’ rate.He wer a pow
’
ful slow-speakin , dignerfied sorter varmin t
,an
’ thort that hissef an ’mercheen cummanded
the respeck an’
submishun ove the poperlashun, whar~ever he went. That idear wus chased outen his skul l
A RAZOR-GRINDER IN A THUNDER-STORM. 61
thru his years,mons
’
Ous quick,at Knoxville. He
endu’t hev cum tu a better place than hit wer in themdays
,fur sweepin out the inside ove stuft up fellers’
skul ls clean ove al l ole rusty,cob-web
,bigited idears,
an’ then a fil lin hi t up fresh wif sumthi n new an
’
activ
an’in the
’sort-mint wer allers wun king idear sure, an ’
hi t wer in words sorter so ‘If I gits away alive,durn
ef ever I cum yere agin. I speck ni on tu a thousin
fellers,Off an
’
on,cum tu that ole town sufl
'
erin pow’
ful
wif a on in temitant attack ove swell-head,an
’every
durn’
d wun ove em lef thar wif the words I spoke j isnow
,a-drapin ofen thar limber onder lips
,sorter like a
ole heart-broken hoss slobbers.“Bake Boyd (Bake wer the short fur Bacon , an
’
Bacon werhi s n ickname yu know) wer n i ontu es elever a feller es ever wer born ’
d Thar wer durn ’
d littil
weevil in his wheat,mity small chance ove warter in
his whisky,an
’
not a drap ove streakid blood in hisveins. But he hed a besettin sin hewer pow
’
fully pur
sessed wif the devil ; he wer so chock full ove hit thathis . har wudn
’
t
'
He stil l. “
‘
Hewatched fur open ing tuwork off sum kind ove devilmen t
, j ist es clost es a ole
’
oman what wer wun st onsanctified hersef,watches her
darters when a suckus ur a camp meetin am in heat“Well
,Bake thort he seed a openin in that ar ray
sure-
grindin establishmin t,so h e sot in tu make the
durud fool bleve that lecterin on tu the skyance ove
raysure-sh
’
arpenin wer his speshul gif, an’ that rite thar
62 A RAZOR-GRINDER IN A THUNDER-STORM.
wer the place tu try that sock on. Bake dwelt longontu the crop ove dimes tu be gethered frum that field ;that he’d make more than thar wer spots on tu fortyfawn s in July
,not tu speak ove the big gobs ove
,
rep
ertashun he’
d tote away,a shini n al l over his close
,like
l itn in bugs on tu a dorg fenn il top. The argymint fotchh im
, purticul arly the spotted fawn part ove hit. Buthe wer a Yankee
,an
’ wan ted tu know,afore he begun
,
how many spots thar wur on tu wun fawn : so he wen ttn the stabil
,an
’
axed ole Dick,Bake’s hossler.
The ole n iggar scratched his hed, an’ tole him
,
Marster,I’
se never coun ted em,but I specks thar am
a gallun,suah an
’ sartin .
’
“He got Bake tu git sum’
vartisments prin ted,an
’
stuck up al l over town . Bake show ’d that he onderstood the ’
vartisment bisness,fur he put the picter ove
a rarin stud hoss at the top,a runaway buck niggar wif
a bundil each side,while two barrils marked whisky
,a
wool-cardin mersheen,an
’
a cider mill top’
t off the bot
tum.
“While Bake wer a-doin ove this, ole Grinder wera -ritin out the lecter. Hit wer a complikated sort ovedockymin t
—talked sorter like a feller wud tu a Kon
stable,tu take his mind ofen the warran t he know’
d he
hed fur him,ontil l he seed a chance tu run . Hit spoke
in purtickeler ove the commit, Niagray Falls, the mer
lenn ium,hatchin chickin s
,fallin frum grace
,an
’
makinmush outen sawdust
,an
’ generally ove everything on
o
A RAZOR-GRINDER IN A THUNDER-STORM. 63
the A’
mi tey’
s green yeath , sceptin raysure-
grindin ,an
‘
the depravity ove man,when he am a boy. He orten t
tu hev lef that pin t ou t, fur hit wer boys what he werdeal in wif j is
’ then,an
’
a .rite tight preacher mout hevcal l
’
d them deprav’
d or on sanctified at l’
eas’
.
W ell,that ni te the Court Hon s wer plum full
,
everybody wer thar, sceptin Lum Jon es,an
’
he wer
hid out frum the Free Mason s Bake sot ahine the
lecterin -mersheen,tu read frum the paper tu him when
he furgot what wer in h it Thar wer fotch in tu theyard
,clost tn the winder whar they wer a -standin
,a ole
brass canyun full tu the muzzle,wif powder an
’
red
clay. Up in the lof by a trap door,an
’ plum over thefeller’s hed, sot J oe Jacksin , a-boldin o
'
n tu a half barrilfull ove warter outen a puddil , whar a misfortin at deadsow hed been floatin fur ten days.
“Well,the lecter begun
,an
’ promised tu las ’ till daybreak
,fur the mersheen soon stall
’
d,an
’ Bake’s j u tywer tu gin hit ile by readin frum the paper ; but hered so low that the man cudn
’
t make out what he sed
so he twistid roun hi s hed an’
wh isper’
d,
‘ louder an
plainer.
’Bake
,instid ove duin better
, got wus— sot
intu readin in sum furrin tung,sorter like Cherokee
,
wif a sprinkil ove Irish. Hit wer loud enuf ; so furso good ; but hi t lacked a durn
’
d site ‘
Ove bein plainerThe raysure renova
’
tur stood wif his hed h igh an’
squar tu the congregashun , his eyes takin a site j is'
abuv thar heds,an
’
a-gittin rounder an ’ bigger at every
64 A RAZOR-GRINDER IN A THUNDER-STORM.
word ; you - cud see the whites al l roun them ; an ’he
wer a pursin up his mouf like on tu a tied bag. I werl istnin fur h im tu whistil n ex thing.
Tsh ish ! tshi sh sorter low like,now begun tn cum
outen the wimin an’ boys
,al l over the house. The
Ole men’s Specks begun tu shine
,an
’ thar mouf aindshed started towar ’d thar years. The feller his sef beguntu twist sorter lik e pisants wer surveyin a railroadroute up his laigs ; eyes still spreadin , an
’
the infunel
Cherokee gittin louder—not a durnd word in Inglishwhen ‘bO-lang wen t the canyu n , litin up al l the townsmashin in the winders, an ’ shakin down the plasterin.
Imejun tly J oe Jacksin up-sot the kaig
,kerswish -se
lush cum the warter ontu Mr. Grinder’s hed, every drapove hit.
“Fur a momin t he look’
d like a iron statoot ove a
dil rn’
d fool in aplayin foun tin .
He wer dresst'
in a l innin bob tail coat,an
’
trowsis.
an’no drawers ; the warter made them hug himpow
’
ful
clost,an
’ look a heap thinner ; yu cud see the adjact
laingth ove his shut-tail,the width ove the hem
,an
’
even tu the moles on his laigs, an ’the bar on his shi ns.
“He cum tu h issef like he wer used tu’ bein dmk ’
t,
shook the warter ofen hissei like on tu a dorg,an
’
sez
he ‘Ladies an ’ gentlemen,when I
.
seed the li tenin,
an’ hearn the thunder
,I ’
spected'
a pow’
ful rain -storm,
an’ hit am here.
’
(Here he tuck a smell ove fust wuncoat sleeve
,an
’ then tuther,an
’ turu’d up the pin t ove
A RAZOR-GRINDER IN A THUNDER-STORM. 65
his nose. )‘So
,owin tu the inclemuncy ove the n ite
,I
dismi ssis this yere congregashun siner dz'
ar,
’
(here hetuck anu ther smell at hi s sleeve an
’
ef yu hesn’
t beenvaxinashun
’d fur the yal ler fever, cholery, an
’
the
black-tung,yu’d better leave this yere t own
,fur they’s
a ll a-cummin if thar’s enything in the smell Ove a rain.
Nobody claim ’
d back thar dime,an
’ Bake can ’t fur thesoul ove him. fix that ease up tu thi s day, hu got thebes
’of hi t
,the raysure
-grinder ur tu ther side ; sumtimes he thinks w1m
,sumtimes tu ther.
Whi le Sut was tellin g this story, a fat-headed youngman listened throughout without moving a muscle of
hi s face ; when it was fin ished he raised hi s expressionless eyes and asked Did anybody
,
laugh at the un
fortunate man that n ight,Mr. Lovingood
Sut eye’d h im for a momen t, fiom head to foot andback again
,with an expression of supreme con tempt,
and shambling Off,looking back over his shoul der
,
said “Yu mus ’ be a dam fool. ”
OLD SKISSIM’
S MIDDLE BOY.
WHEN ‘
I wara l ittil over half grown,hed sprouted
my tail feathers, an’
wer beginn in tu crow, thar wer alivin in the neighborhood a dredful fat
,mean
,lazy boy,
’bout my age. He wer the middil son ove a ole lark,
n ame Skissim. He tinkered on tu Ole clocks,an
’
spinin wheels
,et lye hom i ny
,an
’
exhortid at meetin fur a
l ivin,whi le this middil boy ove hisen
,did the sleepin
fur the hole famu rly. He cud beat a hog an’
a hungrydorg eatin
,an
’ then beat his eatin W if his sleepin , es bades his eatin beat the catin ove a rat
,arter bein Shut in a
church,ur a snake in a jug wifn o monf tu hit. They
waked h im tu eat,an
’ then hed tu wake h im agin tu
make him quit catin ; waked him tu go tu the spring,an
’ waked h im tu start back agin ; waked h im tu say
his prayers, an ’ waked h im tu stop sayin ’
em. In fac
they wer allers a-wakin h im,an
’he wer allers a-go in
tu sleep agin . Ole Skissim waked ’im wif a waggin
whip,an
’
a buckshot in the cracker,what he toted
apupus. His mam waked him wif the tea-kittil an’
scaldin warter. Bof the buck-shot cracker an ’the war
ter los thar vartu et las,an
’ they jis’ gin h im over tu
OLD smssm’
s MIDDLE nor.
speak sartin bout eny ove our famerly bu t me,an
’
he
coun ted fur that by sayin I wer-by a long shot tu cussed a fool tu belong tu enybody else
,so I am aLovin v
good. My long laigs sumtimes sorter bothers me,but
then mam tuck a pow’
ful skeer et a san -hill crane a-sittin on a peel
’
d well-po le,an
’she ou t-run her shadder
thuty yards in cumin half a mile. I speck I owes mylaigs an
’ speed tu that sarcumstance an’not tu eny Hand
on mam’s part.
Well,they wen t tu n ite meetin an
’
.lef
’
h im in the
kitchi n fas ’ asleep,belevin tu fine him right thar when
they cum back ; but they wer mistaken ’
d that pop, furwhen they cum they foun the widest awake boy everborn
’
d in that ur eny uther house, ur outen doors either,
an’es tu bein rite thar he warn ’t by a duru’d site
,he
wer here, thar, an ’every whar
,et the same time
,an
’
ef
he hed any apertite fur vittil s j is’ then
,he didn ’t hang
out his Sign,that I cud see.
They Ief him sittin ontu a split-bottom cheer,plum
asleep al l over,even tu his ole hat. I tuck about thuty
foot ove clothes line, an ’ tied him tu the cheer by hisneck
,body
,an
’arms
,levin his laigs loose. He looked
sorter like the Lion in the spellin -book,when the
,rat
wer a-cuttin a fish n et off ove him. That weru’t a
skeer’
d rat,Wer he ? I hed him safe now tu practize on
,
an’ I sot in tu duin hit
,sorter this way I pain ted
”
hisface the cul ler ove a n igger coal-burner
, scept a whiteg roun his eyes ; an
’
frum the corners ove his monf
o’
LD sKISSIM’
s MIDDLE BOY. 69
sorter {downards,slouch-wise
,I lef a white strip. Hit
made hismonf look sorter like on tu a hoss track an‘
ui ontu es big. He wer a fine pieter tu study,ef your
mind wer fond ove skeery things. He look’t savidge
es a sot steel trap,baited wif asnick
,an wer j is ’ fit fur
tresun,straterj 1m,
an’. tu s
'
pile things. Tu this daywhen I dreams ove the deviL
‘
dad,Bassum Bullin
,an
uther orful Oppressive things,that infunel boy
,es he
look ’
t that n ite,am durud intermitly mix
’t wif the holeove em.
“
I speck he’s dead is the reason ove hit.I screw’
d on tu each ove his years a par ove iron 1121111vices,wha t his dad squeezed ole clOcks
,an
’
crac’
t war
nuts wif,an
’ they hung down like over-grow’
d yearrings ; I tied a gridiron tu wun ankil
,an
’
a par ove
fire-tongs tu tuther ; I pour’
d a bottil ove groun red
pepper down his back,onder his shut ; I turu’d loose a
pin t ove June-bugs, what I kotch apupus , intu his buzzum
,an
’ buttoned em up ; I tied a baskit full ove firecrakers tn the cheer back, tu his har, an ’ tu hi s wrists ;I ' button
’
d up a big grey-whisker’d aggravated ole rat,
tied wif a string intu the slack ove his britches ; tu theraind ove the string wer fas ’ ontu
'
his gallus button,an
the rat,like all the res
’
ove that tribe, imejuntly sot in
cuttin his way out ; but -“
owin tu —h is parvarse nater urthe darkn ess ove the place, he sot in tucuttin the wrongWay ; hewer a workin towards the back-bone
,an
’fur
der frum the britches,every cut.
’ '
I learn t this facl
70 OLD s ssm’
s MIDDLE BOY.
tu rise h ejun tly a littil higher,an
’
sum souns,a mix
try ove snort,snore
,grun t
, .an’ groan
,which he wer be
gini n tu isoo tolabil fas'
,an
’ gettin louder every bounceOve the cheer
,an
’ becumin more like on tu a howl everypop. In the beginin ove his on easines he dream ’
d ove
wagin whip,n ex
’he dream
’
d ove a tea-kittil es big es a
still,
'
an’ lots ove bilin wartar
,an
’nex he drempt ove
bof ove’em ; an
’
now he 'wer a dreamin that the tea
kittil wer a steam ingine, a drivin the waggin whip, an ’
a cottin gin wif red hot” saws fifteen hundred licks a
mini t,an
’ that he wear in the col lin hopper.
I now thot hit n i on tu the proper time tu tetch thecrackers
,so es tu hev everything bar hits shar . in the
kontemplated cummin wakn in. An’ I did hit. The
fust handful ur so gwin e off help’d,wif the industry ove
that en ergetic ole rat,the sarchin ove the red pepper, an
’
the permiskus scratch in roun ove the bugs,tu begin tu
wake h im sorter gradu l ly, a l ittil faster nor light breadrises
,an
’a littil slower then a yeathquake wakes-wea
zels. A few hundred more gwine off,still hev in the
rat,pepper
,an
’insex tu back em
, got h im wide enuf
awake tu bleve that he wer threatened wif sum orfu l
pussonal calamerty, what wan ted pow’
fu l quick workon h is part . tu dodge. He wer awake now . al l .Over
,
even tu hi s durud ole hat,an
’
he show ’d hi t in es menyways es a cat dus
,l ock
’
d up in a empty room wif a
strange an’in terprisin big dorg.
He grabbed the fire Shovil, an’ boune’d half bent
OLD sxi ssm s MIDDLE BOY. 71
(the cheer kep him frum straitin up) al l over that kitchen
,a strikin over-handed, onder-handed, up
-handed,
down -handed,an
’lef-handed
,at every ’
spishus shadder
he seed. He fit by the light ove ten million sparks ; h ewer es active as a smut-mercheen in fii l l blast, an ’
everygrain Ove wheat a spark.
’
An’
he wer a hol lerin everything anybody ever did holler in dredful tribul ashun ove
spirit,even tu
,
“Now I lay me down tu sleep,”an
Gloree.
”
When I’se in trubbil,skeer
,ur tormint
,I dus but
wun thing, an ’ that’s onresistabil,onekeled
,an ’
durn’
d
fas’
runnin,an
’ I j is ’ keeps at hit till I gits cumfortNow his big idear onder n ise an
’
varigated hurtin wer
tu fite,an
’ keep on a-fitin,outil peace ove mine cum.
I never seed sich keryins on in al l my born’
d days.
He made more fuss,hit more licks at more things
,wer
in more places,an
’in more shapes
,in a shorter time
,
then eny mortal auctioneer cud tell ef he hed es menytun gs es a baskit full ove buckil s. Every now an
’ thenhe
’
d gin hi s head a vishus,vigrus shake, an ’
the han
vices wud hit him fore an’arter
,till his skul l rattiled
like on tu a ole gourd.
The ole Skissim an’
his tribe cum home frum meetin
,an
’ hearin the onyeathly riot, thort sumbody hedopened a dorggery in thar kitchen ,‘an ’ that a n eighborhood fite wer gwine on
,an
’every feller’s dorg along.
They rushed in tu drive out the crowd,an
’ capter thewhisky , an
’
a durnder more misfortinit mistake never
72 OLD SKISSIM’
s MIDDLE BOY.
"
wer made by a man,
’
oman,an
’
a string ove fifteenbrats
,since ole Bill Shivers wen t fur a “
runn in thresh in
meesheen tu smash hit,thinkin hit wer a big musick
box.
Th e ol e hoss hisse’f imejun tly cum in contack wif
a holesum knOck down,what calm ’
d him intu sumthin
mons’
u s like sleep,fur about a min it. Now a heap ove
things ken happen i n a min it, purtickerly efthar
’
s sum
body who hes sot his hole soul tn the bisin'
esLs ove
makin em-
_
happen. Hit wer so 1nthe ole feller cum tn the ole
’oman werk n ocked hed’
fust in tu the meal-barril,whar she wer breathin more
meal nur air,an
’
she wer snortin hit up over the aidges
ove the barril like hit wer a fountin playin c‘orn meal.
The ol’
est gal wer sturn fus’
in a soap-kittil,an
’
she wora-makin suds outen sum ove hit. The nex
’
wun wer
laingthwise belly down in the pot corn er. The biggestboy werwhar the hack-log orter been
,ontu his al l fours
a-scratchin up al l the embers an ’ashes
,a-tryin tu cum
out frum thar. Anuther cub,in a jackid wif a wun
inch tail,wer kn ocked plum thru the tin intu the safe
amung the cold vitils an ’ things. A l ittil gal , doll babyan
’al l
,wer on the top shelf ove the cup-board
,amung
‘
The n eighbors w'er a-
getherin 1n roun the n ise an’
rumpus,an
’not a durn
’d wun hed the least idear ove
what wer wrong
, sceptin ove me. I onderstood hit al l,
duru’d fool es I 1s. Tu’scape frumbein ’
spi
sh iOned; I
OLD sxi ssm's MIDDLE nor.
sot in tu cuttin the cheer loose es I got chances,an
’
a -keepm outen the range ove that flyin fire shovil , fur h itwer stil l Spreadi n burtin an
’
mischief on a perpetu l
moshun plan. Everybody hit totch fell,an
’everything
hit c um agin got grief Th e tin buckits look’
d likedrunk men ’s hats. Pails hed lef thar hoops
,an
’
the
delf war was in scrimpshuns. When he got divorcedfrum the cheer
,I tho ’t he’d sorter simmer down. But
no sirl He got wus, an ’
did his work faster an ’ better ;he wer as crazy as a bed-bug
,an’as savidge as a mad
‘
I seed a-cummin,a ole widder
,what wer a pow
’
ful
pius turu’d pussou,in the same church wif oleSkiss1m,
an’
she wer the n ews-kern er gi neral ove the neighborhood. Folks sed that they hed a rel igu s feel in
'fur eachuther
,what led tu meny love-feas
,wif nobody at em .but
tharsefs,an
’
wer bof doin mouns’
ou s well,con siderin
the thorn in the flesh. Sez she
Oh,my soul ! Du tell me what has happened I Oh
,
lordy massy l” sed I,
“hits a -happen in yet I”a -look in
orful solemn in the moon shin e. Sez I,
“I ’ll tell yu ,es .
I kn ows yu won’t speak ove hit ; fur ef hit gits ou t
,hit
mout make the pepil sorter think hard ove Mister SkisSim. He cum home frum meetin plum crazy
,talkin
about the seven th cumandment,an
’he
’
s sot in tu mur
derin hes folks wif a crowbar. He hes dun got his wifean
’ six ove the brats ; thar a -lyin in thar es cold es
krout ; an ’he
’
s hot arter the rest ove em ; sez h e’
s in a
4
OLD su sant’
s MIDDLE nor.
hurry tu git thru,es he hes yu tu kill an ’ salt down
afore day. Now I know by that he’s turu ’d durnedfool. ”
She never sed a word,but put out fur Squir
Haley ’s,an
’ swore her life agin Ole Skissim,an
’ tuckout a warrint fur him a-chargin murder
,arson
,blasfemy,
fleabottomry an’ rape. Hit skeer
’
d ole Skissim outilhe run away.
By the time I got dun in liten in the widder,that ar
onquinchable boy hed the kitchen all tu hi ssef Everybody wer feard tu go ni the door. Now yu cudent
guess in ten year what he then wen t an ’did. He j l s
’
made a piller outen the cheer,an
’ sot in tu sleepin agin.
Ef ever I’se cal l’
d on tu stop his sleepin eny more agin,
I ’ll try a muskit an ’ sixteen buckshot,at j is
’
about tensteps.
BLOWN UP WITH SODA.
afore brekfus’
. She cudent crawl thru a whisky barrelwif bOf heads stove out
,nur sit in a common arm-cheer
,
while yu cud lock the top hoop ove a chun,ur a big
dorg collar,roun the huggin place.
”
“The what,Sut
The wais’
yu durn oni n ish iated gourd, yu ! Her
har’s es black es a crow ’s wing et midn ite,ur a n igger
han lin charcoal when he’s hed n o brekfus’
; hit am es
slick es this yere bOttil,an
’
es long es a hoss’s tail . I’ve
seed her jump over a split-‘bottim cheer wifout show1nher ankils
,ur ketchin her dress on tu the knobs. She
cud cry an’ larf et the same time
,an
’
either lov ’
d ur
hated yu al l over. Ef her hate fell on tu yu ,yu ’d feel
like yu ’d been whipp’
d wif a pl zen vine,
-ur a broommade outen n ettil s When yer breeches an
’ shut wer bofin the wash-tub. She kerried enuf devil about her turun crazy a big settilmen t ove Job ’s children ; her sk inwer es white es the in side ove a frogstool
,an
’her
cheeks an ’ lips es rosey es a pearch’
s gills in dorgwoodblossum time—an
’ sich a smile ! why,when hit struck
yu far an’
squ ar hit felt j l s’ like a big ho
’
n ove onrecti
fied ole Mu nongahaley, arter yu’d been sober fur '
a
mon th,a tendin ove a ten hoss prayer-meetin twist a
day, an’mos
’
ove the n ites.Three ove her smiles when shewer a tryin ove her
sef,taken keerful ly ten minutes apart
,wu d make the
gran ’
captin ove a temprunce s’
iety so durn’
d drunk,he
wudn’
t no his britches frum a par ove bell owses, ur a
BLOWN UP WITH SODA.
pledge frum’
a —a—warter-pot. Oh ! I be durned é lhits eny use talkin ,
that ar gal cud make me murder oleBishop Soul
,his sef
,ur kill mam
,not tu speak ove dad
,
ef she j is’ hin ted she wan ted sich a thing dun . Sich an’oman cud du more devilmin t nur a loose stud hoss eta muster groun ’
,ef she on ly know’
d what tools shetotes
,an
’I’
se sorter begini n tu think she n o’
s the use
ove the las’ durud wun
,tu a
.
dot. Her ank il s wer es
roun ’
,an
’not much bigger nur the wrist ove a rifle-
gun ,
an’ when she wer a-dancin
,ur makin upa bed, urgittin
over a fence Oh durn sich wimen ! Why ain t theyal l made on the hempbreak plan
,like mam
,ur Betts
Carr,ur Suke Miller, so they wundn
’
t bother a feller’sthinker et all .
“G eorge,this worl am al l
’rong enyhow,
more tem
tashun than perventitive ef hit wer ekal,I ’d stand hi t.
What kin the ole prechurs an’
the ugly wimen’spect
eve u s,
’
sposed es we ar tu sich inven shun s es she am ?
Oh,hits j is
’
no us e in thar talkin,an
’
groanin ,an
’
sweatin tharsefs about hit ; they mus’
j is’ upset nater ou
tu her head,an
’ keep her thar,ur shet up. Less taste
this yere whisky.
Sut con tinued,wiping his mouth on his shirt-sleeve
I’
se hearn in the mountins a fust rate fourth proofsmash ove thunder cum onexpected, an
’ shake the yeath ,bringin along a string ove l iteni n es long es a quartertrack
,an
’
es bright es a weldin heat,a -racin down a big
pine tree,tarin h i t intu broom s plits
,an
’ toof pickers,
78 BLOWN UP wrrH SODA.
an’ raisin a cloud ove dus’, an ’ bark
,an
’
a army ove
lim’s wif a smell sorter like the devil wer about,an
‘
the long darnin needil leaves fallin roun wif a tif—tif
quiet sorter soun,an
’ then a qu iverin on the yeath es
l ittil snakes die ; an ’ I felt quar in my in’
ards,sorter
ha’
f cumfurt,wif a l ittil glad an
’ rite smart ove sorrymix
’d wif hit.
“I’se seed the rattil -snake squar hissef tu cum at me,
a sayin z-e-e-e-e,wif that ni sey tail ove hi s
’
n,an
’ I feltquar agin—mon s
’rous quar. seed the Oconee Riv
er jumpin mad frum rock tu rock wif hits clear,cool
warter,white foam
,an
’music ”
“What,Sut
Music ; the rushin warter dus make music ; so dusthe wind
,an
’
the fire in the moun tin,an
’ hit g1n me an
oneasy queern ess agin ; but every time I look’
d at that
gal Sicily Burn s, I hed al l the feel in s mix’
d up,ove the
l itenin,the river
,an
’the snake
,wif a totch ove the
quicksilver sen sashun a huntin thru al l my vein s furmy ticklish place.
Tu gether hit al l in a bunch an’tie hit
,she wer gal
al l over,frum the pin t ove her toe-nail s tu the aind ove
the longes ’ bar on the highis knob on her head—gal all,
the time,everywhar, an
’
wun ove the exhitenis kine.Ove corse I leau’d up tu her
,es clost es I dar tu
,an
’in
Spite ove these yere laigs, an’
my appertite fur whisky,that ar shut-skin in bisness
,an
’ dad ’s actin hoss,she sor
ter leau’d tu me, j i s
’
a scrimpshun , sorter like a keerful
BLOWN UP WITH SODA. 9
man salts uther pepil’
s cattil in themoun tin,barly enuf
tu bring em back tn the lick-bog sum day-l—that’s the
way"
she salted me,an
’ I ’tended the lick-log es reg’lares the old bell cow ; an ’ I wer j is ’ begin in tu think Iwer on tu the rite trail tu es much cumfurt
,an
’
stayin
awake a-
purpus , es ole Brigham Young W if al l his saddi l -cu l ler
’
d wimen, an’the papers tu fetch more
,ef he
wan ts em.
“Well,wun day a cussed
, palaverin, inyun-eatin
Yankee pedl ar,al l jack-n ife an
’
jaw,cum tu ole man
Burn s wif a carryall full ove appil-parin -mersheen s
,
j ewsharps, cal liker,ribbons
,sody-powder
,an
’ utherduru ’d truck.
Now mine, I ’d n ever hearn tell ove sody-powder inmy born
’
d days ; I didn ’t know hit fium Beltashazur’
s
off ox ; but I no ’
s now that hit am wus nur gunpowderfur burtin
,an
’ duru’d ni es smart tu go Off
That ar Yankee pedlar hes my piusest prayer, an ’ I
j i s wish I hed a kaig ove the truck in tu his cussedpaun ch
,wif a slow match cumin out at his monf
,
an’ I hed a chunk ove fire. The feller what foun a
mossel ove ’
im big enuf tu feed a cockroach,orter be
turn’
d loose tu pastur amung seventy-five purty wimen,
an’
foun in whisky fur life,becase ove his good eyes in
hun tin los’ things. George
,a Yankee pedlar’s soul
wud hev more room in a turnip-seed tu fly roun in.
than a leather-wing bat hes in a meetin -hous ; that’s
j is’
so.
BLOWN UP WITH SODA.
Sicily hed bot a tin box ove the cold bilin truck.
an’ hid hit till I cum in the lick-log agin
, yu know.
Well,I j is’ happen ’d tu pass nex ’
day, an’
ove corsestopp
’
d tu inj oy a look at the temtashun,an
’
she wer
mity luvin tu me. I never felt the like—put wun arm
roun my naik,an
’tuther whar the susingi l goes roun a
hoss,tuck the inturn on tu me wif her lef foot
,an
’
gin
me a kiss. Sez she
Sutty, luv, I’se got sumthin fur yu ,
a new sen
sashun
“An’ I b ’leve in hi t strong
,fur I begun tu feel hit
pow’
ful . My toes felt l ike I wer in a warm krick wifminn ers
'
a-nibbl in at em a cole streak wer a racin upan
’ down my back like a l izzard wif a tucky hen arter’im ; my han s tuck the ager
,an
’ my hart felt hot an ousatisfied like. Then hit wer that I ’d a-cut ole Soul ’s froatwif a ban saw
,an
’
n ever batted my eye, ef she’d a-hinted
the n eedsesity.
“Then she pour’
d’bout ten blue papers ove the
fizil in powder in tu a great big tumbler,an
’
es menywhite papers in tu anu ther
,an
’ put n i on tu a pin t ovewarter in tu
’
bof on em,stir
’
d em up wif a case-n ife,an
’
gritted a morsel ove nutmaig on top,the
’
Saitful She
tormen t lookin es solemn es a jasack in a snow storm,
when the fodder gin out. She hilt wun,an
’ tole me tudrink tu ther. I swal ler’d hit at wun run tasted sortersalty like
,but -I tho ’t hit wer part ove the sen sashun .
But I wer slitely mistaken’
d ; hit wer yet tu cum,an'
BLOWN UP WITH SODA. 81I
Warn ’t long ’bout hi t,hoss
,better b’leve. Ternal ly durn
al l sensashuns ove every spot an ’ stripe ! I say. ThenShe gin me tuther, an
’ I sen t hit a chasin the fus’ instalmin t tu the sag ove my paunch, race-hoss way. Yu
see I ’d got the idear onder my har that hit wer la v-
pow
ders,an
’ I ’d swal ler’
d the devil red hot frum home,
a -th inkin that. Luv -powders frum her ! j is ’ thi nk ove
hit yerse’
f solemn ly a minit,an
’ sit still ef yu kin.
Jis ’ ’bout the time I wer ketch in my brefl’
,I tho ’t
I ’d swal ler’
d a thrash in -meersheen in full blast,wif a
cuppil ove bull-dorgs, an’ they hed sot in tu fitin ; an ’ I
felt sumthin cumin up my swal ler,monstrus like a
hi pressur steamboat I cud hear hit a -snortin,and
scizzin . Koteh agin , by the grea t golly ! tho’t I ; same
famerly dispersishun tu make a durn’
d’
fool ove myse’
f
j is’
es ofen es the sun sets,an
’
fifteen times ofener ef
thar’s a half a chance. Durn dad evermore. amen ! Isay.
I happen ’d tu think ove my hoss, an’ I broke
fur him. I stole a hang-dorg look back,an
’ tharlay Sicily
,flat ove her back in the porch
,elapin
her han s,screamin wif langhin
,her feet up in the
air,a-kicki n em a -
pas’
each uther like she wer tryin
tu k ick her slippers off I’
se pow’
fu l sorry I wertoo bizzy tu look at em. Thar wer a road ove foam
frum the hon s ’ tn the hoss two foot wide,an
’ shoemouf deep—looked like hit hed been snowin— a -pop
pin , an’
a-bi ssin,an
’
a-bilin like a tub ove soap-suds
82 BLOWN UP WITH‘
SODA.
Wif a red hot mole-board in hit. I gethered a cherrytree l im’
es I run,an
’ I lit a-straddil ove ole Blackey,
a-thrashin his hide like the devil beatin tan -bark,an
’
a-hissin wus nur four thousin mad ganders outen mymon f
,eyes
,nose
,an
’ years. All this waked the ole
hoss,an
’
he fotch on e rar,one kiek
,an
’ then he went—he j i s
’mizzel
’
d,Skar’d. Oh lordy ! how the foam
rolled,an
’
the hoss flew ! Es we turned the corner ovethe gardin lot
,I hearn Sicily call
,es clar es a bugle
‘Hole hit down,Mister Lovingood ! hole hit down !
hits a cure fur puppy luv ; hole hit down 1’
Hole hit down ! Hu ever hearn sich a onpossi
bil Why,file then I wer a -feel in the bottim ove my
paunch cumin up arter hit,in side out
, j is’ like the bot
tim ove a green champain bottil . I wer spectin tu seehit every blast Tha t
,wifwhat Sicily sed
,wer a -hurtin
my thinker pow’
ful had,an
’ then the ise-warter idear,
that hit warn ’t a luv-powder arter al l that hurtin— takinal l tugether, I wer sorter wishin hit mout keep on tillI wer al l biled tu foam
,plum tu my heel-strings.
“I wer aimin fur Dr. Goodman’s,at the Hiwasee
Copper Mine,tu git sumthin tu simmer hit down wif
,
when I met ole Clapshaw,the suckit-rider
,a-travelin
to’
ards sumbody’
s hot biskit an’
fried chicken . As Icum tarin along
,he hilt up his han s like he wanted tu
pray fur me ; but es I wan ted sumthin tu reach furder,
an’
take a rank er holt nur his prars cud, I j is’ rambled
ahead . I wer hot arter a ten -hoss dubbil -actin steam
BLOWN UP WITH SODA. 83
paunch-pump, W if wun aind sock ’d deep intu my sodalake
,an
’
a strong manbody doctur at tuther ; hit weImy
'
bz'
g wan t j is’ then . He tuck a Skeer
,es I wer cumin
strait fur him ; his faith gin out,an
’
he dodged,flat
hat,hoss
,an
’
saddi l -bags , in tu the thicket. I seed hishoss ’s tail fly up over his back
,es he disappear
’
d in tuthe bushes ; thar mus
’
a-been spurrin gwine on’bout
thar. I liked his moshuns onder a skeer rite well ; hemade that dodge j is’ like a mud-turkil draps ofen a log
when a big steamboat cums tarin a-
pas’
. Es he pass’
d
ole man Burn s’
s,Sicily hailed ’
im tu ax ef he met eny
body gwine up the road in a sorter hurry. The poordevil tho ’t that p
’
raps he mout ; warnt sure, but he hedseed a dreadful forewarn in ,
ur a ghos ’,ur ole Belzebub
,
ur the Tariff Takin all things tugether,however, inthe l itil time spar’d tu ’
im fur’
flection,hit mus
’a-been
a crazy,long-laiged shakin Quaker, fleein frum the rath
tu cum,on a black an
’ white spotted hoss,a-wh ipin
’
im
wif a big brush ; an ’he hed a white beard what cum
fium j is onder ~h is eyes down tu the pumil ove the sad
dil,an
’ then forked an’ wen t tu his knees
,an
’frum
thar drapp’
d in bunches es big es a crow’s nes ’,tu the
groun ; an ’
he hearn a soun like ontu the rushin ove
mitey warters, an’he wer pow
’
ful ly exersized’bout hit
enyhow. Well,I guess he wer
,an
’ so wer his fat hoss,
an’
so wer ole Blackey,an
’
more so by a durn ’
d site werme mysef? Arter he cumpos
’
d hissef he rit ou t his foolnoshuns fur Sicily
,that hi t wer a new steam invenshun,
BLOWN UP WITH SODA.
tu spread the Cathol ic doctrin,an
’ tote the Pope ’s bullstu pastur in di stunt lan s
,made outen sheet iron
,ingin
rubber,tann
’
d leather,ise cream; an ’
fat pine,an
’ thatthe hoss ’s tail wer made outen iron wire
,red hot at the
pin t,an
’
a stream ove sparks es long es the steerin -oar
ove a flatboat fol ler’
d thararter ; an’ takin hit al l tu
gether hit warnt a safe thing tu meet in a lane ove a
dark n ite ; an ’
he tho ’t he hed a call over the moun tin
tu anuther sarkit; that chicken s warn t es plen ty overthar
,but then he wer a self-denyin man .
“Now,George
,al l this beard
,an
’ spotted hoss,an
’
steam,an
’
fire,an
’ sn ow,an
’ wire tails,wer durn
’
d
skeer’
d su ckit rider’s humbug ; hit all cum outen mypaun ch
,wifou t eny vomitin ur coaxin
,an
’
ef hit hedn ’
t,
I ’d a dun been busted intu more scraps nur thar’s aigsin a big catfish.
‘Hole hit down ,MisterLovingood ! hole hit down ! ’
Now warn t that j is ’ the durndes ’ onreasonabil requesever an ’
oman made ove man ? She mout j is es wellax
’
d me tu Swal ler my hoss, an’ then Skin the eat on
a cob-web. She’s pow’
ful on docterin tho,I ll swar
tu that. ”
W hy , Sut ?
Kase she cur’d my puppy-luv W if wun dost,durn
her ! George,am sody p izen
No ; why ?”
I sorter ’spected hit wer, an ’ I sot in
,an
’
et yarbs,
an’
grass, an’ roots
,till 1’se pounch
’
d out like ontu a 016
BLOWN WITH SODA. 85
cow ; my hole swal ler an’ paunch am tann
’
d hard es
sole leather. I axes rot-gut no odds now. Yere’s adrink tu the durndes ’ fool in the W orl ’ —j 1s’ me !”
And the bottom of Sut’
s flask flashed in the sun
fight
SICEYBURNS’S WEDDING.
( 7)HEY GE -ORGh rang among the moun tain Slopes ;
and looking up to my left, I saw Su t,
” tearing alongdown a steep poin t
,headi ng
‘
me Off,in a long kangaroo
lope, holding his flask high above h is head,and hat in
hand. He brought up near me,ban teringly shaking
the half-full tickler,
” within an inch of my face.
Whar am yu gwine ? take a suck,hoss ? This yere
truck ’s - ole. I kotch hit myse’
f,hot this morn in frum
the still wum. Nara duru ’d bit ove strike-n in e in hitI put that ar piece ove burn t dried peach in myse
’
f tu
gin hit color— better nur Ole Bullen ’s plan : he puts intan ooze
,in what he sells
,an
’ when that ha in t handy,
he uses the red warter outen a pon’
j i s’ below his barn'
;
—makes a pow’
fu l natral color,but don ’t help the taste
much. Then he correcks that wif red pepper ; hits anorfu l mixtry, that wh isky Ole Bullen makes ; no wonder he seed ‘Hell-sarpin ts .
’He
’
s pisent u i ontu threequarters ove the b’
levin parts ove hi s congregashun wifhit
,an
’tuther quarter he’s sot in tu ruff stealin an
’
cu ssin. Ef his still-’ous don ’t burn down,ur he peg
out hisse’
f,the neighborhood am ruinated a-
pas’
sal va
SIOILY BUBNS’
S WEDDING. 7
shun. Hain t he the durndes sampil ‘
ove a passun yu
ever seed enyhow ?“Say George, du yu see these yere well-poles what I
uses fur laigs ? Yu sez yu sees em,dus yu
“Yes.
Very well ; I passed ’
em a-
pas’each uther tuther day,
right peart. I put one out a head j is ’ SO an’ then
tuther’bout n ine feet a-head ove hit agin j i s ’ so
,an
’
then kep on a-duin hit. I ’ll j i s’
gin yu leave tu go tnthe devil ha ’
f hamon,ef I didn ’t make fewer tracks tn
the mile,an
’
more tu the m in it,than wer ever made by
eny human man body,since Bark W ilson beat the saw
log frum the top ove the Frog Mou n tin in tu the OconeeRiver
,an
’ dove,an
’ dodged hit at las’
. I hes allerslook
’
d ontu that perform ince ove Bark ’s as onekel’
d in
histery, allers givin way tu dad’
s ho’
net race,however.
“George,every livin thing hes hits pin t
,a pin t ove
sum sort. Ole Bullen ’s pint is a durn ’
ed fust rate,
three bladed,dubbil harril ’d
,warter-proof
,hypockracy,
an’
a never-tirein appertite fur bal’-face. Sicily Burn s ’s
pin t am tu drive men folks plum crazy,an
’ then bringem too agin. Gin em a rale Orleans fever in five minits
,an
’ then in five min its more, gin them a Floridy
ager. Durn her,She ’s down on her heels flat-footed
now. Dad’s pin t is tu be king ove al l durn’
d fools,
ever since the day ove that feller what cribb’
d up somuch co’
n down in Yegipt, long time ago, (he run outen
his coat yu minds.) The Bibil tells us hu wer the
88 SICILY BUBNS’S WEDDING.
stronges’
man—hu wer the bes’
man—hu wer the
meekis’
man,an
’hu the wises ’ man
,but leaves yu tu
guess hu wer the bigges ’ fool.“Well
,eny man what endent guess arter readi n that
ar scrimmage wif an ’
oman’bout the coat
,hain t sense
enuf tu run intu the hons ’,ef hit wer rainin ded cats
,
that’s al l . Mam’s pin t am in kitchen insex,bakin hoe
cake,bilin green s
,an
’run n in bar laiged. My pint am in
takin aboard big skeers,an
’ then beatin enybody’
s hoss,
ur skared dorg, a-runnin frum onder em agin. I usedtu think my pin t an
’ dad ’s wer j is’ the same,sulky
,un
mix’
d king duru’d fool ; but when he acted hoss,an
’
mis took hossflies fur ho ’
nets,I los heart Never mine
,
when I gits his ’Sperence, I may be king fool , but yet
great golly,he gets frum bad tu wu s, mon strus fas
’
.
“Now ef a feller ha ppen s tu know what his pin tam
,he kin allers git along
,sumhow
, purvided he
don ’t swar away his liberty tu a temprms s’
ciety, livetu fur frum a still-’ous
,an
’
too n i a chu ’ch ur a jail.Them’s my sentimints on
‘pin ts,
’ —an ’ yere ’s mysentimints ontu folks : Men wer made a-
purpus j is’
7tu eat,drink
,an fur stayin awake in the yearly
part ove the n ites : an’
wimen wer made tu cookthe v ittils , m ix the sperits , an
’ help the men du the
stayin awake. That ’s all,an
’
nuthin more,on less hi ts
fur the wimen tu raise the devil atwix meals,an
’ kn itsocks atwix drams
,an
’the men tu play short kerds
,
swap hosses W if fools, an ’fite fur exersise
,at odd Spells.
90 BICILY BUBNS’
S WEDDING.
an'Whi te bul l, wif a ring in his snout, an ’
the rope tiedup roun his ho ’ns. They rid ’
im tu mill,an
’ sich likewif a saddi l made outen two dorgwood forks, an
’
two
clapboards,kivered wifa ole piece ove carpet, rope girth,
an’ rope stirrups wif a loop in hit fur the foot. Ole
‘Sock,
’
es they call ’d the bul l,hed j is ’ got back frum
mill,an
’
wer turn’
d in tu the yard,saddil an
’
al l,tu
solace hissef a-pickin grass. I wer slungin roun the
outside ove the hon s', fur they hedn ’
t hed the mannerstu ax me in
,when they sot down tu dinner. I wer
pow’
fu l ly hurt’bout hit
,an
’ happen ’d tu thi nk—SODY.
SO I sot in a-watch in fur a chance tu du sum thin . I
fus’ tho’t I ’d shave ole Clapshaw
’
s hoss ’s tail,go tn the
stabil an ’ shave Sicily’s mare’s tail
,an
’ ketch ole Burnsou t
,an
’ shave his tail too . While I wer a -studyin’bout
this,ole Sock wer a -n osin
’
roun,an
’
cum up ontu a bigbaskit what hilt a l ittil Shattered co ’
n ; he dipp’
d in hishead tu git hit
,an
’ I sl ipp’
d up an j erked the handilover his ho ’
n s.Now
,George
,ef yu knows the nater ove a cow
brute,they is the durndes ’ fools amung al l the beastes
,
(’
scept the Lovingoods when they gits intu tribu lashun
,they knows nuflin but tu Shot thar eyes
,beller
,
an’ back
,an
’ keep a-hackin . Well,when ole Sock
raised his head an’
foun hissef in darkn ess,he j i s
’
twisted up his tail, snorted the shatter’
d co’
n outen the
baskit,an
’made a tremenjus lunge agin the hons ’. I
beam the pieters a-hangi n agin the wall on the inside
SICILY BURNS ’S WEDDme . 91
a-falli n. He fotch a deep loud rusty beller,mout been
hearn a mi le,an
’ then sot in tu a onendin sistem ove
backin. A big craw-fish W if a hungry coon a-reach in
fur him,wer j is ’ nowhar. Fust agin one thing
,then
over anuther, an’
at las’
agin the bee-baineh,knockin
hit an’
a dozen stan ove bees heads over heels, an ’ thenstompin back
’ards thru the mess. Hit hain t much wuf
Whi le tu tell what the bees did,ur how soon they sot
in tu duin hit They am pow’ful quick-tempered littil
critters,enyhow. The air wer dark wif ’
em,an
’
Sockwer kivered all over
,frum snout tu tail
,so clost yu
cudent a-sot down a grain ove wheat fur bees, an ’ theywer a-fitin one anuther in the air
,fur a place on the
bull. The hon s ’ stood on sidel in groun,an
’the back
door wer even wif h it So Sock happen tu'
h it hit
plum, j is
’ backed in tu the hou s ’ onder ’bout two hundred an
’ fifty pou n s ove steam,hawlin orful
,an
’
everysnort he fotch he snorted away a quart ove bees ofenhis sweaty snout. He wer the leader ove the bigges ’
an’
the madest army ove bees in the worild. Thar werat leas ’ five solid bushels ove
’
em. They hed filled thebaskit
,an
’
hed lodged on tu hi s tail,ten deep
,outil hit
wer es thick es a waggin tung. He hed hit stuck straitup in the air
,an
’ hit looked adzackly like a dead pinek ivered W if ivey. I think he wer the hottes’ and wushurtin bull then livin ; his temper, too, seemed tu bepow
’
ful ly flustrated. Ove a ll the durn’
d times an ’
ker
ryins on yu ever hearn tell on wer thar an ’ thar abouts.
92 SICILY BURNS’S WEDDING.
He cum tail fust agin the ole two story Dutch clock, an’:fotch hit
,bustin hits runn in geer outen hit
,the l ittil
wheels a-trundl in over the flOor,an
’the bees even
chasin them. Nex pass,he fotch up agin the foot ove
a big dubbil inj ine beds tead, rarin hit on aind,an
’
punchin one ove the posts thru a glass winder. The
nex tail fus ’ experdishun wer made aginst the caticorner
’
d cupboard, outen which he made a perfeck
momox. Fus’
he upsot hit smashin in the glass doors,
an’ then j is’ sot in an
’ stomp d everything on the shelvesin tu giblits, a-tryin tu back furder in that direckshun,an
’ tu git the bees ofen his laigs.
Pich il crooks, perserves jars, vinegar jugs,seed,
bags,yarb bunches
, paragorick bottils, aig baskits,‘
an’
delfwar—al l mix’
d dam permisku sly, an’
not worth thesortin
,by a duller an ’
a’
al£ Nex he got a far backacrost the room agin the board pertishun ; he wen t thruhit like hit hed been paper, takin wif him ’bout six footsquar .ove hit in splinters
,an
’ broken boards,intu the
nex’ room
,whar they wer eatin dinner
,an
’ rite yerethe fitin becum gineral , an
’
the dancin,squawkin ,
cussin , an’
dodgin begun.
Clapshaw’
s ole mam wer es deaf es a dogiron,an
sot at the aind ove the tabil,nex tu whar ole Sock bus
ted thru the wall ; tail fus ’ he cum agin her cheer,a-histin her an
’ hit ontu the tabil. Now,the smashin
ove delf, an ’the mix in ove vi ttils begun . T'hey hed
sot severil tabils tugether tu make hit long enuf So
SICILY BunNs’S WEDDING. 93
he j l s’ rolled em up a-top ove one
'
anuther,an
’ thar sotole Missis Clapshaw,
a-straddil ove the top ove the pile,
a-fitin bees like a mad wind-mill,wif her calliker cap
in on e han,fur a wepun, an
’a cract fiw e in tuther
,
an’a-kickin , an
’
a-spurrin like she wer ridin a lazyhoss arter the doctor
,an
’
a-screamin rape,fire
,an
’mur
der,es fas
’
es she cud name ’
em over.Taters
,cabbige, meat
,soup
,beans
,SOP, dumpl ins,
an’the truck what yu wallers
'
em in ; milk, plates,pies
, puddi n s, an’every dum fixin yu cud think ove in
a week,wer thar, mix ’
d an’mashed
,like hit had been
thru a thrashin -meesheen . Ole Sock still kep a-hackin,
an’ backed the hole pile, ole
’oman an’al l
,also sum
cheers,outen the frun t door
,an
’ down seven steps in tuthe lane, an
’ then by golly,turn
’
d a fifteen hun dred pounsummerset hissef arter em
,lit a -top ove the mix
’
d up
mess,flat ove his back, an ’ then kicked hissef on tu his
feet agin. About the time he ris,ole man Burn s—ya
Know how fat,an
’ stumpy,an
’
crossfgrained he is, enyhow—made a vigrus mad snatch at the bask it
,an
’
got a
savin holt on tu hit,but enden t hat go quick en uf ; fur ole
Sock j is ’ snorted, bawled, an histed the ole cuss,heels
fust up intu the air, an ’he lit on the bul l ’s back
,an
’hed
the baskit in his han.
Jis’ es soon es ole Blackey got the use ove his eyes,
he tore off down the lane tu out-run the bees,so duru ’d
.fas’ that ole Burn s wer feard tu try tu git off. So he
. jis’ socked his feet intu the rope loops
,a n
’ then cum~
94 s1c BUBNS’
S WEDDING.
mene’d the durndes’ bull-ride ever mortal man onder
tuck. Sock run atwix the hitched critters an ’
the railfence
,ole Burns fust fitin him over the head wif the
baskit tu stop him,an
’ then fitin the bees wif hit. I ’llj is
’
be durn’
d ef I didn ’t think he hed four ur five baskits
,hit wer in so meny places a t on st Well
,Burn s
,
baskit,an
’ bull,an
’ bees,skared every duru’d hoss
an’
muel loose frum that fence —bees on tu al l ove_
’
em,
bees,by golly
,everywhar. Mos ’ on
’
em,too
,tuck a
fence rail along,fas
’
tn the bridil rein s. Now I ’ll j is’
gin yu leave tu kiss my sister Sall til l She squalls, efever sich a sight wer seed ur sich n ises hearn
,es fil led
up that long lane. A heavy cloud ove dus ’, like a
harycane hed been blowin , hid al l the hosses,an
’
awayabuv hit yu cud see tails
,an
’ainds ove fence-rails
a-flyin about ; now an’ then a par ove brigh t hin e Shoes
wud flash in the sun like two sparks,an
’away ahead
wer the baskit a-s1rkl in roun an’about at randum.
Brayin , nickerin the hellerin ove the bull, clatterin ove
runn in hoofs,an a mon s’on s rushin soun
,made up the
noise. Lively times in that lane j is’ then,warnt thar ?
“I swar ole Burn s kin beat eny man on top ove the
yeath a-fitin bees wif a baskit Jis’ set ’
im a-straddil ove
a mad bull,an
’let thar be bees enuf tu exh ite the ole
man,an
’the man What beats him kin break me.
Hosses an ’ muels wer tuck up al l over the coun ty,an
’
sum wer forever los’. Yu cuden t go eny course, in a
cirkil ove a mile,an
’not find bucki ls
,stirrups
,straps
,
3mm BUBNS’
S WEDDING. 95
saddil blankits, ur sumthin belongin tn 3. saddil hoss.
NOW don ’t forgit that about that hous’ thar wer a good
time bein had ginerally. Fellers an ’
gals loped outenW indows, they rolled outen the doors in bunches
,they
clomb the chimleys, they darted onder the house j is’
tu dart out agin,they tuck tn the thicket
,they rolled
in the Wheat field, lay down in the krick,did every
thing but stan still. Sum made a strait run fur home,an
’
sum es strait a run fmm home ; l ivelyest folks Iever did see. Clapshaw crawled onder a straw pile inthe barn
,an
’ sot in tu prayin—yu cud a-hearn him a
mile—sumthin’bout the plagues ove Yegipt, an
’the
pains ove the secon death. I tell yu now he lumbered.“Sicily
,she squatted in the cold spring
,up tu her
years,an
’ turu’d a milk crock over her head,while She
wer a drown in a mess ove bees onder her coats . Iwent tu her
,an
’
sez I,
‘Yu hes got anuther new sensashun hain t yu ? Sez she
‘Shet yer mouth, yu cussed foolSez I
,
‘Power’ful sarchin feelin bees gin s a body,don ’t they ?’
‘Oh, lordy, lordy, Sut, these yere ’
bominabil insex
is j 1s ’ burnin me up‘Gin
’em a mess ove SODY
,
’sez I
,
"that’ll cool ’emoff
,an
’ skeer the las ’ duru’d one ofen the place.
’
“She lifted the crock,so She cud flash her eyes at
me,an
’
sed,
‘Yu go tu hell ! ’ 113 as phLin . I thought,
takin all things tugether, that p’
raps I mout es well pu t
SICILY BUBNS ’S WEDDING.
the mountin atwix me an’ that plantashun ; an
’ I didhit.Thar warnt an oman
,ur a gal at that weddin , but
what thar frocks,an
’
stockins wer too tite fur a week.
Bees am wus on wimen than men,enyhow. They
hev a farer chance at’
em. Nex day I passed oleHaw?
ley ’s,an
’his gal Betts wer sittin in the porch
, wif a
Whi te hankerchef tied roun her jaws her face wer eS
red es a beet,an
’
her eyebrows hung way over heavy.
Sez I,
‘Hed a fine time at the Weddin,didn ’t yu ‘Yu
mus’
be a durn’
d fool,
’wer every word she sed. I
hadent gone a hundred yards,outil I met Missis Brady
,
her han s fat,an
’
her anki ls swelled ou til they shined.Sez she
,
‘Whar yu gwine, Su tBee hun tin
,
’
sez I.Yu j is
’
say bees agi n , yu infun el gallinipper,an
’
I ’ll scab yer head wif a rock.
’
Now hain t bi t strange how tetchus they am,on the
subj ick ove bees ?Ove al l the durn
’
d misfortinit weddin s ever since ole
Adam married that heifer, what wer so fon’
ove talkintu snaix
,an
’
eatin appils, down ontil now,that on e ove
Sicily’s an ’
Clapshaw’
s wer the worst one fur n oise,dis
appintment, Skeer, breakin things, hurtin , trubbil , vexashun ove Spirrit, an
’
gineral swel lin . Why,George
,her
an’him enden t sleep tugether fur n i on tu a week
, on ac
coun t ove the doins ove them ,ar hot-footed
,
’
,ve
.ngeful
OLD BURNS’S BULL-RIDE.
WELL,now
:George
,while yu am waitin
’fur yer
chain -kerriers,I ’ll tell yu how Old Burns finish ’
d thaton speakable Bull-ride, an
’how I won my race agin al l
his son s,thar houns
,an the n eighborhood giniral ly
Well,arter he got outen the lane
,they struck a piece
ove timber lan ’
,an
’
thar h e los ’ his baskit Then hebetuck h issef tu onwi ndin th e rope ofen the bull ’s ho ’
ns,
an’
wrapp’
d hit roun his lef' han .
Now es hit happen s, Squire Mills hes a bull too— a
mons’
rous fitin,cross ole cuss
,what hes the Frog Moun
tain fur h is surk it this year. He j i s’ goes whar he
durn’
d please,an
’ thinks h e is the bes’
man in the
range. He happen ’d tu be broWsin about in this pieceove woods, an ’ hearin ole Sock a-hel lerin
,tuck hi t fur
a challenge ; so he raked up sum dirt wif h is huff, an’
Sprinkild hi t over his back ; then he dug sum outen a
bank W if his ho ’n s,an
’ smelt ove hit ; then he tuck a
twis’
ur two in tu his tail, an ’ histed hit,an
’felt hissel
then ready fur activ service.
Ole Sock an’ his rider cum in Site a-tarin
,an
’ theysmelt each uther. Both wer dead game an
’
mad,so a
OLD BURNS’
S BULL-RIDE. 99
big ~fite wer merrily durn’
d certin. Es soon es oldBurns seed tuther bull
,he onderstood adzack ly what
wer a-cumin,an
’ when ; So he lean ed h issef back on tuthe rope pew ’
ful,till he pul l
’
d the stirrup loops tightontu his feet
,an
’ hauled ole Sock’
S n ose an’ lip ’
way
up atween '
h is eyes by the ring, sorter like bustina rawhide outen a rat wif a ho
’
n hook. H is face look ’
d
like hit wer sk in ’
d,ur a dead beef ’
s head on a livebu ll s body. He wer the wus t lookin cow brute
,in the
face, yu ever seed
,an
’hi t made his hel lerin soun like
he hed the rattils. But in spite eve al l this,he steamed
strait ahead fur the inemy. He didn ’t keer a durn fur
enything, since his in tercourse wif the bees,an
’
h is
mistification in the baskit
Ole Burns cumenced snatch in brush frum the trees,
fust one side an’ then tuther
,es he pass
’
d,an
’ then warin eve em ou t over the in side ove ole Sock ’s histedlip
,squar down atwix hi s ho ’
n s. Es fas’
es he were em
ou t,he wud sn atch fur more ; he
’
s j is’
the bes’
man fur
us in baskits ur brush in an emargincy I ever seed.
How he’
d thrive in a bad’skeeter coun try ! They ’d
n ever git in suckin di stan ce eve him. But hi t wer allhard thrashin wasted. The hel lerin -mersheans associated
,an
’ they set thar head s tugether like two . drunklocomotives wud. When they hit
,down cum that
tails,but they hi sted em agin in a moment
,an
’
a -shakincm at the pints
,like they wan ted tu git the dust outen
the har. The shock fotch ole Burns outen the dorg
100 OLD BUBNS’
S BULL-RIDE.
wood saddi l,an
’
on tu the naik ; but he craw-fish’
d backdurn
’
d quick,an
’never stopt his thrashin ove em over
thar heads an ’eyes fur on e momun t. The nex time
they mix ’
d,they cum by guess wif thar eyes shet,
’
fur
fear ove that perpetu l -metion brush. Hit j is’
rain ’dbrush
,well mix ’
d wif sum orful Off-han’
cu ssin.
The Mills bull ’s a mity smart critter,tu be on ly a
cow beas’,an
’
h e presh iated adzactly Ole Burns’
s powerwif a hanfu l eve brush. SO while old Sock wer a
gwine thru a gran ’ charge blind,he tuck a circumben
dibu s roun,an
’
gin h im Marcy’s game on Ole Fuss an ’
Feathers— a -bustin hot fire in the rar. He j is ’ cum in
atween his .hi ne laigs, an’-hurried hi s head an
’ ho ’
n s
thar ender a full ru n,a h istin Sock ’s starn two feet clar
eve the yeath , an’
rite then down cum his ta il wif aswish
,an
’
he wer tuck along wheel -barrow fashun,on tu
h is fore laigs, pew’
ful agin his will an ’
cumfort,wif
the smel lin aind eve his head draw ’
d higher nor everto
’
ardSh is curl,the brush-mershean in full blast
,an
’
gittin faster an’ harder
,an
’ole Burns a -snatch in eve
more. The bel leri n an’
cussin wer m ix’
d n ew n i on tues ekal es a keerful man mixes whisky an
’
wartar,an
’
the mixtry made a meS’ doleful soun. Ef you ’d a
hearn hit at half a mile, yu wud a know
’
d thar wera heap eve hurtin an
’
rath a-gwine on whar hit cumfrum.
Ole Sock wer hurried on in thi s onnaterel an ’onman
erly man n er over a fell pine tree,an
’ thar old Mill s
OLD BURNS’
S BULL-RIDE. 101
stept,I Spose tu See the elfeck eve his new plan eve
fitein , an’ thar he di d a durn
’
d feel thing ; fur if he heda-k
’
ept that a r head eve hisn in clost commun ion W if
Old Sock’s sturn, he.
wud been boun ’ tu spoke the
word afore long. But es hit wer,hit gin him time tu
turn reun ’
wif’cumulated rath
,the natrel bull fitein
way.
Ole Mills hed a holesum fear eve the steam brushmill
,what Sock toted on his upper deck. So he cum
it bline agin,an
’
the nex time they met they mi ss ’d,an
’
the ho’
n run ender old Burn s’
s laig, an’atwix the rope
girth an ’
ole Seck’
s hide. He gin a twis an’ busted the
girth,swung that misfortinat ole man an
’
the saddil
roun,an
’ then len t em a big hist Up they wen t,sad
dil fust,an
’ hit hung on tu the snag l im eve a ded pine,
j is’ high enuf tu let ole Burns’s hans sorter tetch groun ’
.
Thar he hung by the heels.He set in now
,an
’ cussed in rale yearn is. He mixedin a l ittil prayin wif hit now an
’ then,fur thar wer a
streak eve Skeer in hi s mad,es he foun ’
hissef hunghog
-fashun,an
’
a par eve bulls a-fitein roun him. Hisvoice wer changed so yu wuden t a -kn ew
’
d’
im by hithit sounded like he wer down in a well
,ur hed a locus
in his throat He bemoan’
d hi s condishu n pew’
ful,
cuss’
d Sicily awhile as the fus’ cause
,an
’
Clapshaw as
the secen’ cause
,an
’ then wen t way back twen ty-five
years an ’ cussed h issef fur ever marryin at al l,as that
wer the beginn in eve hit ; talked dredful tu hear ’beut
102 OLD BUBNS’
S BULL-RIDE .
Shot-gun s,hickory clubs
,an
’
the devil ’s brimstoneworks, a-men sun in my name often in these las
’
re
marks.I tell yu hi t wer tremenjusly orful tu listen tu, cumin
frum a man eve famerly an’ property
,hung up by the
heels whar two dredful ole bul ls wer at war. W un got
a -runn in go on tu tuther,an
’ backed in agin the old
man pew ’
ful fas ’ they pushed him es fur es the ropelet em
,an
’ tu make hi t wus,he
,a durn d ole fool
,
grabb’
d a death holt on tu the tail,an
’ hi lt on as longas he cud stan ’ hit fur his ankils. At las ’ he letgo, an
’
away he swung— tick,tick
,like a durn
’
d ole
clock,what wer behine time
,an
’
wer a-tryin tu ketchup agin ; an
’h im a-snatchin at the weeds
,an
’ grass,a
fetch in handsful every swing— the prayin an’
cussin
never Slackin off fur enythi ng. I tell yu he hes letseve san
’
in his gizzard ; he is the bes ’ pluck I everseed.Well thar they fit
,roun an
’ roun,tarin up the yeath
an’
roots,an
’ bull meat ; he a -watchi n em es well es hecud W ifhis head down. Torreckly they cum agin frumahi ne, slather agin the e le feller
,an
’
kerried’im forrid
this time,an
’not clock-fashun
,sidewise. Jis’ es seen
as the sturn eve the Mills bull te tch ’
im,he wen t fur tail
holt agin , an ’ by golly,he hi lt hit this time outil his
shoes cum off,an
’he fell smack atop eve Mills, face tn
the tail. He tuck h issef good han’ holt in tu each eve
the flanks,an
’ locked his laigs reun the critter’s naik.
104 OLD BURNs’
s BULL-RIDE .
Oconee afore ur since,an
’
the bluff wer wet tu the top,an
’ draps eve warter wer fallin off the cedars en hi tsbrew.
Thinks I,great J emimy l will they never cum up ?
Arter a,long time
,up pepp
’
d the ele man,al ready a
headi n fur thi s shore,an
’away yander
,the bull ris
ho ’
n s fus,an
’he aim
’
d fur tuther bank. They beferawl
’
d ou t,lay down in the san
’an
’eyed each uther
acrost the ruver. If iether eve em ho ’
nd up a mosseleve dirt
,I diden t see em du hit ; but J i s
’
took hit ou tin restin
,watchin each uther
,an
’ ’vengeful the’
ts.
That man an’ that bul l wer mortu l inemys fur life.
His sen s foun ’
ole Burn s,an
’ haul ’d ’
im home ontu asled
,kivered wif straw an
’
a bed-quilt. Mills ’s bullsought hi ssef aunther suck it
,an
’
becum es merril es a
draft-steer. Ole Sock becum more depraved,an
’run
wile in the mou ntin s,an
’ I is J l s’ about es I wer, thedurndes
’feel in the mess.
I j is ’ hearn frum ole Burn s yesterday. He am pew
erfu l bad eff made hi s will,a-cuttin of old Seek wif
a shil lin,leav in Sicily an
’
me his maladiekshun s, (what
am they eny how 7) an’ fifty du l lurs in trus’ in ole Bul
len ’
s han s fur the cumpasmin t eve my death. To ole
Clapshaw,he
’
s lef fifteen feet eve n ew hemp rope, an ’
tu his wife,an
’
ele Missis Clapshaw,a dul lar tu buy
asni ck.
Then thinkin the bissines eve this world dun , he J i s'
W en t plum crazy—c razy es a bed -bug in July ; talks
OLD Bunus ’ s BULL-RIDE . 105
nuflin but nensince ; sez the house is upside down ;hears bees a humin eve n ights
,an
’ sees hole droves
eve bulls a fitein al l day ; an’ that I is a-standin atop
eve the bureau,wif a baskit eve bees
,a flingin hanfu ls
at hi s hed every time he looks tuther way—j is’
turn’
d
darn feel,that’s al l.
All the old quilts eve wimen,an
’
th e old soggy men
reun thar’ visits ’im. The wimen fan s ’
im,fixes the
bed close,an
’ biles yarbs fur’
im an’
the men iles h isbr uses
,an
’
pol tusis his body. Ole Missis Burn s ismad as a ho
’
net bout that asn ick claws in h is will,an
’
won ’t cum a -n igh h im ; sez she hes plen ty eve swel l in s
eve her own tu swage,an
’ hain t time tu waste on n o
durn’
d old engratef'
u l mu rderin fool . An’ strange tu
tell,George
,she sticks tu me ; sez I am the bes
’
eve
the let ; sez, too that I hain t on e half es durn’
d a feeles ole Burn s
,an ten times more eve a Cristshun than
Clapshaw. W onder ef hit kin be possabil that’oman
is right ? One thing am sartin,she am my frien
’
.
W ell,the vardi ck eve t he n eighborhood wer
,that I
wer the cause eve al l the hole thing. Greater injestieewer n ever dun ; fur al l that I did in the werild
,wer
j is t tu help ole Sock git a few grains eve shatter’
d co’
n,
by liftin the baskit over his he ’
n s ; an ’ when I did h it,
the fuss warn ’t begun a tall. Arter’
ards,I did nuffin
but stan clar eve danger, an’ watch things happen .
W hen they tuck the vote on hu wer the cause,every
” 7
durn’
d one eve em voted “Sut,
scept Sicily an’
her
596
106 OLD BURNS s BULL-RIDE .
mam. Sicily voted “bull an ’ bees ; her mam vo tedClapshaw.
”
Well,they al l g et tugether, headed by Burns
’
s two
big fox-hun tin sen s
,an
’ tuck my case in han’
. The fast
thi ng I know’
d,they wer on tu my trail, hosses, houns ,
he ’
n s,muskits
,shot-guns
,cur dorgs, an
’
al l. Now my
superfine runn in begun.
Arter a long time,I seed frum a high pin t that on e
eve the boun s,down the mountin below me
,wer a
great way ahead eve everything else,an
’ wud soon
cum up wif the slack eve my britches, so I waited fur’im ; when he bulged fur my throat, I reached fur hisn,flung ’
im down,slit a hole in each year
,an
’
run hishine laigs thre ’
em over the heck, gin
’
im sum cumfor
tin advice wif a keen hickory,an
’ laid ’
im down on tumy trail—he did look powerful sorry fur what he haddun—an
’ then I wen t tu travel in agin When the ballunce eve the dergs cum up
, (human like,) they al l
pitched into the peer helpless devil,an
’ when the twolaiged dergs cum up, he wer a-
pas’
prayin fur, at‘leas ’
ha’
f a mile. I beat em so bad,my trail get too cold tu
feller. That’s what ] ca lls runnin . I feels,the
’
,George
,
like my time mos’
cum. Fifty dul lars am a heap eve
money,an
’
the mes’eve the wimen am agin me that’s
the danj erus part eve hit.I’
se a gener I ’speck,an
’ I j l s don ’t keer a durn. I’
m
no coun t,n o how. Jis ’ look at me ! Did y u ever see
sich a sampil eve a human afore ? I feels like I ’d be
THE SNAKE-BIT IRISHMAN.
*
WHAT have you ge t there, Sut ?Nuf
’
fin but a rattil -tail snake ; he ’s got livin rattils.
I kill ’d h im a -cum i n tu camp on the spur thar. He
made. me mind what happen ed tu a durn’
d tater-eatinIrishman las
’
fall in these yere moun tins,an
’ I wan tedtu tell hit tu yu . So I fe tch h im along
,tu keep me
frum forgittin h it New ef I wer that ar durn ’
d Paddy,
yu mout j is ’ bet that hoss eve yur’
n,I wuden t hev tu
tote a snake tu keep that ar scrape in mind. He’
s in
Irishdum n ew ef he kep his oath,whar thar’s no
sn akes,an
’
yet I’ll swar he dreams eve em an
’ praysagin em eve n ights
,an
’
s watch in'
fur em an’
a -cu ssin eve
em eve days, an ’ will keep up that habit till the devilsends a supen er fur him ,
even ef the ele feller waitsseven ty-five years fust.
“If yu cud see that shevel-totin , pipe-smokin,raskil
’
s
This story was original ly prepared for, an d published in th e
New York Sp irit of the Times , when that splen did paper was underth e con trol of th e lamen ted W il liam T. Porter. Having lost the
origin al draft , it has been re written from memory and adapted to
th e gen ius of Sut.”
THE SNAKE-BIT IBISHMAN. 109
gizzard,yu ’d fine the picter eve a big snake branded
intu hi t es deep es we brands muels.
“Sum three ur four clever fellers frum Knoxvillefix
’
d tharselves up fur a camp hunt eve a cupple ev‘
e
weeks ou t yere,an
’ they met up wif me,an
’
pinted out
two kaigs tied across a muel’
s back,an
’
told me tusmell at the bunghole. I fol lered em wifout ara halter.W e camp ’t j ist tuther side that high pin t yu see yan
der,an wer gittin on fust rate
,killin le ts eve deer an ’
sich like,when wun n ite here cum that cussed Irish
man,wif a bundil on tu the aind eve a stick
,an
’
j is’
tuck up beardin wif us,n ever so much es even lookin
tu see ef he wer welcum. He et,an
’ drunk,an
’ slep’tthar
,es cumfortabil es ef he own
’
d this country,an
’
wer
the sassyest, meddelsumest,mos
’
imperdint sen eve a
diggim-mersheen I ever seed,allers ’
sceptin a young
suck it rider,ur a duck-laig d J ew. Sez Jedge Alexan
der tu me
‘Sut,ef yu’li manage tu run that raskil eff frum
yere I ’ll gin ye a par-eve boots.
’
Sez I, j umpin tu my feet, ‘ I ll du hit,duru ’d ef I
don ’t ! j is ’ wait till n ite.
’
‘New,
’
sez the kind-hearted J edge, Sut, yu mustn
’
t hurt the poor feller, mine that ; but I wan t himskared away frum this camp.
’
Sez I,
‘All the burtin he ’ll git will cum frum skeer.I won ’t hurt h im
,but I specks the skeer may du hit ;
my sperience (an’ hits sum on the nater an ’ workin eve
110 THE SNAKE-BIT IRISHMAN.
skeers).
is,Jedge
,that the burtin cumin outen a big
ripe skeer,j is’ can ’t be beat on top eve this yeath , eny
how. Hoss-whips, yal ler jackits , an
’fire
,hain t no
whar. Yu wan ts him skeer’
d clean away frum thiscamp. New s ’pese I happens .tu put in a leetle too
much powder,an
’ skeer him plum outen the Un itedStates—what then ?
“Sed he,larfin
,
‘I won ’t indite yu ; J i s’
go ahead,
I fix ’
d things.Well
,nite cum
,an
’
arter we hed lay down ,Irish
stole his sef anu ther suck outen the barlm eve life kaig,
an’
cum an’
j is’
rooted h is way in atween me an’
J im,
an’
fix’
d hi ssef fur a big sleep,went
'
at hi t imejun tly,an
’
set up a systim eve the infunelest snorin yu everhearn ; hit wer the dolefu lest, skeeriest seun ever blownouten a human nose. The cussed al lfired ole peshole
digger sm red in Irish
New I hed cut off ni on tu about n ine feet eve gu t,frum the offal eve a big buck what wer kill ’d that day ,an
’ I tied theainds wif twin e, tu keep in the truck whatWer in tu hit
,an
’ sunk hit in the krick,so .es tu hev hit
good cold. I u s up rite keerful,put on the Jedge’s
Spurs, get me a long black-thorn
,an
’
greazed hit wif .
heg’
s fat outen the skillet. I fetch the gut up frum the
krick,an
’
wer ready tu begin the Sponsibil work I hedon han . Th e tater-eater hed a hole inter the sittindown part eve h is bri tches, an ’
hi s shut tail hed cum
112 THE SNAKE-BIT IRISHMAN.
wen t,his words wer Hewly m ither eve Jayzus an
‘
he set in ter runn in in a sirkil eve about fifty yardsthru the brush
,reun an
’
areun the camp,a-makin meny
surjestshun s, an prayers,an
’ uther dierbe l ical souns.
‘Shute the long divi l ! Shute al l eve yees,but don ’
t
aim et his head ! Och Shint Patherick ! oh,Hewly
Vargin ! Can’t nu n eve yees ketch ’
im ? Step h im !Och bowly wather ! how swate he ’s a-bitin ! I tell yeeshe
’
s got me by me bottum,an
’
he’
s a -mendin his hou lt /
Fraist, praist, pope, praist ! Hewly wather ! praist,
ooh,ooh ! Fitch me a cross— a big cross ! bring me
me bades,me bades ! The divi l
’
s own son is a-aitin in
strait fur me kednays.
’
“In one eve his sarkits, he run thru the embers evethe camp-fire
,an
’
the string at the aind eve the gut hed
ketch,an
’
wer a -burn in like a slew match. Paddy hedVen tered tu peep over his shoulder
,an
’ seed hit a-beb o
bin abou t arter him ; he get a bran n ew idear enderhis har.
‘Och ! Hewly Jayzu s ! he’ll ait n ew as he
plazes ; he’
s a -totin a lite ta see how in bite by.
’
“The very thought eve hit made h im n i ontu dubbilhis speed. He tore thru that brush thicket like a bullwif hon ey-bees arter h im
,an
’
made more n ise than a
hoss a -de in the same work at the same speed,an
’
ender alike skeer. I wer up ontu a stump
,a -he l lerin ‘Snake !
snake ! snake ! ’ es regular es a steamboat snorts,an
’
in
a orful voice like I hed a Jew ’s-harp in my freat.Arter he (I run n i on tu a mile in that sirkil
,an
’hed
THE SNARE-BIT IBISHMAN.
broke a good sweat, an’ when his back wer te ’
ards the
camp,I bel lered out
‘Fling away yer spade ; hit makes agin yu .
’
I wish I may be dodrabbited ef he did n
’t go thruthe moshun s eve fli ngi n a spade back
’
ards over his
head. He thought he hed his spade,sure es yu ar
bern ’d. See what a skeer kin du l n nnxm up the
idears eve a critter what sorter lean s te ’
ards bein a dam
feel,enyhow. Th en I hollered, ‘Ge in a strait line an
’
out-run yer snake, yu infunelly durn’
d feel Thatidear happen ed tu go strait tu his brain s afore hi t tangled
,an
’
Pat tuck me at my word, an’
wer outen sitein the shake eve a lamb ’s tail. In about a half minit
,
way over ontu the mex ridge,I hearn ‘Hewly J ay
’
an’ hit wer so far off I cuden t hear the aind eve the
word.
Nex day he wer makin a bee line thru town,te
’ards
the East,in a stiff
,short
,dorg-trot
,an
’ lookin like he ’dbeen thru a smut-mersheen . A feller hail ’d ’
im :
‘Holle,Pat
,which way !
’
He looked slowly reun wifout steppin ,wif a hang
dorg sorter face,an
’
a-feel in a -hine h im wif one han,
he grewl’
d out a word fur every step he tuckStrate tu swate Ireland
,wher ther
’
s no snakes. ’
An darn of I don ’
t b ’leve he kep his word. I gettwo par eve boots
,an
’
ole tangle-fee t whi sky enuf tufill 1en ”
EAVES-DROPPING A LODGE OF FREEMASONS.
SUT,when you were telling the razor-grinder’s
story, what did you mean -by saying that Lum Joneshid ou t from the mason ’sNew durn your l ittil san cterfied face
, yu knowsmity well why he hid out Yu an
’
Lum wer the fellerswhat did hit
,an
’ this crowd erter make yu tell u r treat.I thi nk yu erter du bef. ’
“The crowd insisted on the story,so I commenced
in my way to tell it somewhat thus“Those who remember Knoxville thirty-five years
age , must still almost see ‘the old stone Oourt -house
,
’
with its steep gable fron t to the street ; its disproportionately small brick chimney
,roosting on the roof at
the rear ; its well-whittled deer-jambs, its dusty windows
,its gloomy walls and ghostly echoes. Then its
history,crime unveiled
,the ingen ious defence
,the pew
erfu l prosecution,the eloquen t ‘charge
,
’the tears of
sorrow,the flashes of wit ; but like the sturdy old
Court-house itself,they belong to the past. But even
now,and here in the thicken ing twilight, I see glidi ng
116 EAVES-DROPPING A LODGE OF FREE—MASONS .
yu be durn’d ! Boys
, 3 18’
gin me a hoult eve that a:willer baskit
,wif a cob in hits mouf
'
,an
’ that ar tin cup,
an’
arter I’se spunged my freat, I’ll talk hit al l off in
English an’
yu j is’ watch an
’
see ef I say‘echo
,
’ui
‘grapes,ur
‘graveyard ’ on st. ”
So Sut told it his way.
“Ahem ! I takes fur my tex,the fac that eaves
drappin am a durn’
d mean sorter way tu make a livin.
Hits es bad es stealin frum blind folks,ur tellin lies on
widders ; an ’ hit hes hits retribu shun,a
.erful wu n
,an
’
yu’d al l (not scept George tl i ar) say so when I’
se dun.
“Th e upstars eve that Court-heus’
wer one big r ume,
plastered ever-head wif three quarter plank,an
’
no
floor on tu the j ists in the loft abuv . The mason s hedfenced off a lodge in wun corn er. The trap-deer in tuthe lof
,wer j is
’outside hit
,an
’
a ladder cum downclest by hits side, an ’ landed jis’ a l ittil short eve thedeer in tu the lodge. So yu got tn the lof frum whatwer lef eve the big rume
,an
’ j is’ outside the mason den .
“Well,Lum an
’
George,thar
,wer pew
’
fu l ly ex
ercised’beut hit v —wan ted tu know the secret pew ’
fulbad—hit pester
’
d’
em u i on tu es bad es the eatch So
they conkluded arter much fastin an prayin , in tharway, that they
’d evedrep’
em.
“Now they wer about,say thuteen years ole, an
’
J l S’
two eve the durndest l ittil back-slidin devils outen jail.Warn ’ t much alike either. Lum
,allers afore he did eny
devilmi nt, studied out keerful ly what meut happen ef
EAVEs-Dsoppme A LODGE or FREE-MASONS. 117
he did hit George studi ed too, but hi t wer allers erterthe deed wer dun
,an
’
the orful censekences clost arterhim.
“Well, wun day
’bout sundown,they crawl ’d up on
benewen tu enybody in ter the lof,an
’
elar tu the
tuther aind furthest frum the ledge room,an
’ trap-deer,an
’
lay pew’
ful low,waitin fur night an ’
the masons.Lo ts eve pidgeons cum in tu roost
,an
’
as hit get dark,their ‘bee coo ah ! eoe -eoin ! sorter made the littil
devils think eve thar trundi l beds and the light athome. In fac
’
a big onmitigated skeer wer a-settilin
like on tu a fog all over’
em,an
’
ender thar shuts atthat ; but they didn ’t own hit tu each uther yet a-while.
W ell,arter hit got good dark outside
,hit wer es black
in ter that durn ’
d ole han ted left, es hit wud be tu a
bline flea on a black catskin,ender the fur
,an
’ hit onder forty bushil eve wet charcoal dus t.
“The ole Socks eve the cumpus an’
squar persuashun
begun tu gether in,an
’ sartin n ises cummenced tu soakup thru the ceilin— sich nises ! oh
,lordy I—grean in
n ises,chokin nises
,crunchin nises
,ugly nises
,orful nises
mix’
d wif sum di scumfurtin souns, not much loud, butdredful plain
,an
’ sure skeer-gitters,the las
’
one eve em.
Terrectly they hearn sumthin like twen ty feet eve
trace chain drap,aind f ust on the floor
,cherrash !
Their skeer new broke ou t good all over em in
splotches es big es a craddil qui lt,an
’
git ou ten this lofi
wer the only idear lef in thar head ‘Let’s go heme, ’
118 EAVES-DROPPING A LODGE or FREE-MASONS.
sed wun ;‘Oh
,lordy yas sed tuther ; an
’ they startedfur the trap-deer
,a-steppin frum j ise tu J i se, quiet an ’
quick es cats.“The ole ruff wer leakin fur a long time
,an
’the
drip hed rotted the ceilin abou t in spots, an’
wun eve
these spots wer rite plum over the middil eve the
lodge ; when they get thar, Lum he happen ’d tu stepj is’ a litti l too short, an
’
he lit on tu the doated ceilinin sted eve the j ise. Did yu ever hear a cart-lead eve
brickbats dumpt’
d ontu a pil e eve clapboards frum the
top eve a high bank ? Ef~ -
yu did, yu then hearn sum
thin n i on tu the soun he made gwine thru that ceilin.
Hit j is’
rain ’d rotten weed,nails
,mud-daubers ’ n ests
chips,spiders
,an
’ thar webs,black bugs
,was
’
nests,an
ole dust al l over that ledge eve barheaded masonsNow they keeps thar secrets pew ’
ful well,fur most
on’em tu be married men
, yet hit sorter leak’
d
out that they unanamu sly an’
individu l ly thort thathi t wer the an ti-mason s
,ole Mergin
,ur the devil
a-cumin down on tu ’em frum way abuve the reef, an
a -bringin .wif’
em al l the trash frum Kenneday’
s saw
mill. They huddled tugether in tu wun corn er,an
’
star’
d up et the fork id fern omen en,what wer a-hangin
in the hole,fur Lum hed cotch wif his arms over the
two n ighes’ j ise
,an
’
wer a-reachin an’a-feel in al l reun
in the air,es far es he cud
,wif his laigs spred ou t lik e a
par eve cooper’s cumpu ses, fur sumth in tangerbi l, sum
thin like on tu a foot-helt,ur sich.
EAVES-DROPPING A LODGE or FBEE-MASONS. 119
Great Beltashashur ! ! and Sut stretched hi s legs totheir utmost exten t
,knocking his feet together
,and
affectionately surveying them from hip to tee,] spose
this yere par eve l itn in -rods hed been hung thru thathole
,an
’
es big a skeer at the top eve em es wer a-restinon Lum ! Why
,I’ll J l S ’ be durn ’
d rite yere afore I kinswaller thi s he ’
n,ef I hadn ’t a swept the las ’ cockroach
outen the corners eve that room,broke al l the winders
,
haf the masons ’ necks,put out the candils
,disparsed the
j ewi ls, les’
the mall its an’
call’
d that ar ledge frumlabor tu refreshmin t furever more. I’d a -made em
reach everywhar, afore a quick-spoken ’
oman cud say‘ki ss
,
’
wudn’
t I ?Well
,es it wer
,Lum ’s fat latter aind looked like
on tu a yearlie ’s paunch a -swingin about,what hed died
pew’
ful full eve grass an ’ wheat bran. His britcheswer draw
’
d so tite that the hems eve em wer six inchesabuv . his knees. His short socks an
’lew-
quarter’
d
shoes made hi s red laigs look like two bedpostes sock ’din tu the pipe hole eve a par eve cookin -stoves
,an
’
a
skeer’
d divil in tu the oven eve each stove, they husteledreun so fas
’
.
“Ole Stack seed the true nater eve the fernomen enafore eny eve the res
’
eve em. So he snatched a longstrip eve the broken ceilin plank
,es broad es a canew
paddi l at wun aind,in bof han s
,an
’ j is busted hit in tuseventeen an
’
a’alf pieces at wun swel lepin lick on tu
the part eve Lum,what fits a saddi l. Hit crack ’
d sor ‘
120 EAVES-DROPPING A LODGE OF FREE-MASONS.
ter like a muskit a-bustin,an
’
the teteh in sensashun
shot Lum up thru the hole like a rocket.”
Here Su t raised himself slightly from the leg on
which he was sitting, by the aid of his hands each side,
and rubbing himself sidewise quickly,a few times on
rough bark,said
,with an air of startled surprise, “Boys,
I’
m durn d ef I can ’t feel Lum ’s sensashun frum thatorful lick rite n ow ,
"and he rubbed himself again .
“Well,him an
’
George bulged down that ar ladderlike rats wif a tarrier clest tu thar tails, an ’
at the feet evehit they met a sight
—eh,Sweet Jinny ! how glad I is I
warn ’t thar ! Thar set a l ittil tabil wif a lit candil on tuhit
,an
’ thar steed,bolt up On aind
,a grim
,grey-haired
man,wif a gl itterin drawn sweard in h is han , es big an ’
as long es a mowin blade ; on tu h is breas ’ wer a par evelittil silver crooked bowie-kn ives cress ’d
,an
’he were a
aprun like he wer gwine tu butcher u r cook supper.
They leek ’
d at this,j is ’ ’beut es long es a weazel looks
at a cumin rock,an
’ they wen t a-scizzin pas’
,George
h inmes’
.
“The ole man made a wicked cirk l in lick at h im wit’
hi s orful n akid wepun.
‘VOOp,’ hit went
,an
’
ou t the
flat crown outen his cap, smeof es yu cud enkiver a
huckleberry pie wif a case-kn ife.
“That part’s not true, Mr. Sut,said I.
Yes hit am,fur yu see he dun hit so slick that the
crown whirl ’d reun like a tin plate in the ar,six fee t
abuv yer hed, went faster nu1 yu did, an’ lit afere yu,
122 EAVEs-DROPPING A LODGE OF FREE-MASONS.
in a piece eve dry plank wif a strong, W i llin man at
wun aind,an
’
about thuty pounds eve live,tender
,
thin -skin’d meat ni on tu tuther ; whi le yu sez hit am
nuthin but a hole in'
the groun,what erter be kivered
up eve n ights ; yu bef erter knew.
New I hes j is’ wun remark tu make afore I dri nk s,
an’ hit am this : n either eve em hes ever tried tu watch
enything in the dark since,an
’
j is’
let wu n eve em,
even tu this n ight,see a cumpu s ur a squar, ef hi ts
even a-lyin ontu a carpen ter’s baineh,an
’
I’m durn
’d ef
they don ’t hist thar noses an ’ take a sn iff eve the air '
al l reun Wif thar bristils set. They s’
pishien s danger.
I don ’
t blame em,du yu ? Thar
’s no muny nur credit :
either,in evedreppin ; they
’
se bef set agin hi t,an
’
th ev
hain t fear’d tn say so.
TAURUS INLYNCHBURG MARKET.
Daddy kil l ’d the blin d bul l ,Human nater, human nater !
Mammy fried a pan full,
Sop an’
tater, sop an’
tater.
“STOP that noise Su t,I can ’
t sleep.
Nize ? Well,I be durn ’
d Calls superfine singineve a hart breakin luv song, what’s purti‘er by a gallunan
’
a’
alf,than that cussed foo l thing ya wer a-readin
, j i s
arter supper ’beut the yeufwhat toted a flag up a mountin by hissef eve a n ite
,wif ‘Exelcider
’ writ on tu hit,
nize ! Why,I speck yu ’d call the singin eve the
cherrybeans, howlin. Ya be durn ’
d.
”
That was no love song, you jacka ss, that you werebawling just new.
”
“The devil hit warn ’t ! I hedn ’
t get tu the luvpart. Eatin allers gees j is ’ afore luv.
’Less a feller
hes hi s belly stretched wif vittils, he can ’t luv tu muchpupus
,that’s so. Vittils
,whisky
,an
’
the spring eve
the year,is what makes luv ; an ’
yu j i s’ bring em al l tu
bar tugether, an’
yu’
ll see luv tu sum pupus, I’m
E4 TAURUS IN LYNCHBURG MARKET.
durn’
d if yu don’
t Did yu ever try hit, wif .a purtygal set on steel springs wif injun rubber heels
,.an
cinamin t il e smell tu help yu“No ; shut up !”
Oh, yas , hit am enplesan t tu yu , es the ole maid
sed when a gal k iss’
d her ; hits sorter like smel lin ole
Burben thru a jail winder— ain t j i st the thi ng.
New’
yu’
s a cu ssin at my luv song, I wants tu say a
word about that ‘Excelcider’
yeuf eve your’
n,what
sum Lengfel ler writ I say, an’ I ’ll swar tu hit
,that
eny feller, I don’t keer hu the devil he is
,what starts
up a moun tin,kiver
’
d wi f snow an’
ise,arter sundown
,
wif nuflin but a flag, an’
n o whi sky,arter a purty gal
hed effer’
d h er bussum fur a pillar,in a rume wif a big
hath,k iver
’
d wif hot coals,an
’
v ittils, !here Su t rose
to h is tip -te es,and elevated h is clenched fists high
above h is head,] am a dod dur n
’d,complikated, full o
blooded, plum n at
’
ral born durn’
d feel ; he warn ’
t
smart enuf tu fine his monf wifou t a leadin string ; heerter froze es stiff es a crow-bar
,an
’ then been thaw’
d
out by the devil ; ded durn him ! An’ there’s Lum
Jack yu tele about,darin the l iten in.
“Ajax,I suppose you mean,
”
Yas,eve Co l l I
‘
S‘ didn ’t I say so ? An
’he wer a
jack,eve the longes year’d kine, fu s ’, because eny feel
meut kn ow the l iten in wudn ’
t m ine h im no more nur a
lecemetum wud min e a tumble-bug. An’ then
,spese
hit hed met h im dar,
’
why durn me ef thar’
d been a
126 TAURUS IN LYNCHBURG MARKET.
hous’ what meut been bilt fur a depot when railroads
wer j i s’
a-tassel in ; they warn ’t es fur en es reasin -ear
time nohow,an
’ they foun hit too small at that ; an ’
hit sorter leek ’t like wimen hed lived thar
,an
’ the boyshed stove in the sides an ’
ainds wif rocks, j l s
’
leav in
the corners tu hole up the ruff. I larn t frum a n igger,
that hit wer a market heus,whar they sells encoek ’
d
vittil s eve every kine,frum a rabbit tu a cow’s laig, an
gardin truck tu kill. Hit wer plum full.I wer wenderi n my levil bes
’
,keepin a skin
’
d eye
an’
a open year fur trubbil ur a skeer,when I hearn a
tarin big fuss on tu ther side,squawkin , cussin , hol lerin ,
an’a gineral seun eve things a-smash in
,an
’ seed peoplea-mix in tharsefs pew ’
ful,sorter like bees a-fix in tu
swarm. Thinks I,Look out Sut
,hit am cumin ; hits
mos’ time ; yu hain t hed a skeer fur n i ontu three days
—when yere cum reun the corner eve the market house,
3 18’
a-tarin,a thuteen hunder’ peun ’ black an
’ whitebull
,wif his tail es strait up in the air es a telegraf
pole,an
’
a chesnut fence rail tied acros t his he ’
n s wifhickory withs He wer a-totin hi s hed low
,an
’
everylick he made at eny pu sson u r thing
,he
’
d blew wheff,
o uten his snout. He wer a citizen eve Amherst County, an
’eve the Deven shear persuashun , an
’
meut a -hed
good standin at home fur al l I kn ows,but he wer actin
like a durn’d blaekgard in Lynchburg, an
’ I b ’leves hewer one.
I’
se sorter fear’d tu try tu tell yu, George, the dev
ilment that cussed infunel fool cow beaste wer a-doin.
H e wer a-ki llin,smashi n
,ur spil in everything he toch
wif he ’
n s,buffs
,ur fence rail. He leok
’
d like he wermad—
’
su l ted an’ plum crazy
,an
’ gittin wus fas’
. He’
d
say whoff an’
a hunder’ an’ sixty poun ’
n igger wudfly up in the air like on tu a grasshopper
,an
’
cum backspread like a frog. W h eff ! an
’
a fat she n igger wuddart hanketcher aind fus ’ thru sumbody
’
s glass winder.
‘W heff agin,an
’
a boy wud turn ten sumersets
towards the river. W hoff an’
a Amherst ’oman l it
a -straddil eve a ole fat feller’s n eck,wif a jolt what
jumped his terbacker outen his meu’an
’ scrunchedhim
,while she wen t on down hill on al l fours in a fox
trot W heff ! an’
a set eve hoops,an
’
a par eve blackstockin s wif white garters
,lit atop eve a kiver
’
d wag
gin ah’
slid down feet fus ’ on tuther side.
“A l ittil bal ’-heded man,dress
’
d in gole specks an’
a gele-heded walkin stick,wer a -passin
,an
’ duin nuf
fin tu nobody ; he leek ’
d like he wer a -cyferin ou t a
sum in the Qbru te, in his hed W h eff'
an’
the speckslit on the ruff eve the market heus ’
,an
’
the stick,gole
aind fu s ’,se t in a milk can sixty feet off: As tu ball
head h issef,I los ’ site eve
’
im while the specks wer inthe air ; he j is
’
disappear’
d frum mortu l v ishu n sumhow,
sorter like bretf from a lookin -glass. I wunders ef he
lef. a widder. Smack ! an ’
the sides eve a milk can
cum tugether, an’
a squt e ve milk shot up,an
’
trickl’
d
ofen the house eaves. Crash an’
a baskit went way up
128 TAURUS IN LYNCHBURG MARKET.
yander,an
’ then hit wud rain aigs, an’ bats eve eottin
Anu ther bask it wud start .up, an’
terreckly we’
d‘
hev a
thunder shower eve cherrys ; the bull fu rnish ’
d the
thunder,plen ty eve hi t.
1 “The air wer full eve things ; stock ins wif laigs inem
,shewin tu mes
’ ’van tage ; hats wif heds in em
wer cumin down like they wer hir’d tu ram the pa ( 8
mint that way. Truck eve all kind wer flyin ur lyi nabout j is durn
’
d permiseusly. Th e street wer white wifmilk an
’
aigshel ls ; hit wer red wif cherrys ; h it werblack wif blackberrys
,an" hit wer green wif gardin
truck. Cherrys rol l ’d down hill in the cracks atweenthe ston es
,in l itil rivers eve milk. The dead chickens
lay whar they fell, an’
the live ones lit on the ruffs.
Oh ! gemony Jerusalem ! I n ever seed sich a mixtry .
eve encoek’
d v ittils in al l my bern’d days ! Blewin
up a powder-heus ’,while a harycan e am ragin
,mixes
things mon’
sou s’ well I reckon
,but I gin s my vote tu
that Amherst bull.“I wer a-standin n i e n tu what I tuck tu be the up
per ain d eve the steepil eve a chu ’eh,what they hed
buried ender groun ’
,not
- likin the perswashun ur the
passun , an’
hed lef the pi n t eve the steepil stickin ou t,
fur a grave stone,an
’a warn in tu the uther chu’ches
how tu kery tharsefs ; but on ’
zamin in hit clest,I foun
hit wer a lam’epestez, made outen iron
,whar they
burn s sum greasy kine eve air,tu lite fellers home
what stay out late eve n ites. They’
se mity good things.
‘
130 TAURUS IN LYNCHBURG MARKET.
pul l’
d pew’
ful. Oh he wer in yearnest bout thatmatter eve tarin out his tail At las ’ he bel ler
’
d,an
’ Iebsarv
’
d that the lam ’-postez an
’my feetses warn
’t esclean as a dinn er plate. Thinks I
,that’s a Sign eve
g ivin in , an ’ I hearn my frien’
hol ler,
‘Two tu one on
laigs.
’
“My han ’s begun tu cramp orful an’ I felt my big
skeer a cumin on . I leek ’
d reun,an
’ thar warn ’t asou l in site but my frion
’
,an
’ I knew’d I endent counton him on ly fur kind words
,by the way he hi lt the door.
Everybody gone gl imerin,even the huxtérs
,an
’ Am
herst wimen .
“Thar I wer,froze tu a savidge bull ’s tail
,no frien ’s
,
an’hed begun hit mysef. My skeer wer new ripe
,
redy tu bust,an
’
knowin but wun thing fit tu du insich cases
,I loek ’
d which way I’d run . I hearn the
duru ’d raskil what hed been my frien’
say,‘Ha ! ha !
two tu on e on the bu ll ! That las ’ remark broke myhart. I made up my min e tu go home tn the tavrin ,
on the river,as hit wer down hill, an ’ I knew’
d Owen s ’
wer my frien’
.
“The bul l wer shewin white mix ’d wif bloody vein s
al l reun his eyes,while the midil wer green as a bottil .
I hed mistaken ’
d the givin -in signs ; he wer madder nor
ever. I watched fur him tu wink his eyes,an
’ while hewer duin hit I hearn the cussed cole-harted devil a-hinethe deer n ew efferfour tu one on the bull. He wink
’
d
at las’
,an
’ while his eyes wer shot, I let go‘ the bes ’ helt
TAURUS IN LYNCHBURG MARKET. 13 1
ever mortul man hed on a bul l. Ef hit hadn ’t been furthe cramp
,skeer
,an
’ that feller’s bettin agin me,I ’d
been thar yet, a monumen t eve enjurance, parsavarance,an
’
dam feel,still heldin a dry bull
’s hide by the tail.As I let go, I set these yere laigs a -gwine ender
three hunder’ pound preshure eve pure skeer; Longes they is
,they went apast each uther as fas
’
as the
Spokes eve two spinni n wheels a runn in con trary waysThat hell-cat ahine the deer parsecuted me tu thelas
’
,fur he now cum out an
’
farly yel l’
d ° ‘Ten tuone on the bull
,an
’
iseters fur the wun what takes thebet
’
I leek ’
d reun,an
’ seed one aind eve the fence railwif the yal ler eve aigs on hit
,an
’
a lettuce leaf stickin
on a splin ter, j ist one good jump ahine that part eve
me what wud git al l the k ickin if ole Burns ever cotchme. Well
,al l I kin say is, I didn
’t go ,
any Slower fur
that orful glimpse. I cud hear fust one aind an’ then
tuther eve that dry chesnut fence rail strike the rocks,
as he wud try tu hist me with a whoff ! every lunge.
Owen s,the lan lord
,wer a-gwine up on the pavement
,
an’
knew’
d me. Clever tu the las ’,even ef I wer on
der par, he hel ler’
d
‘Number ten,Sut
,the key’s in the door ; ha ! ha ! ’
Them wer cumfortin words,an
’ I put on a scrimshun more steam
,
’beut al l I had I never ’
spected tu
See number ten agin.
“A feller wif a face like a dry sheep-skin , what hed
13 2 TAURUS IN LYNCHBURG MARKET.
laid in a cellar till hit got moulded, hel ler’
d frum a up
per winder : ‘Go hit,dubbil laigs ! he
’
s lost his ra i l.’
New this wer kine eve him,but hit warn ’t any use.
I wer at the top eve my speed aready,an
’
at las’
hit
proved tu be a du'
rn’
d l ie.
“When I got tu whar a warter rail -read fur beats,
an’ ducks
,run s e nder the street
,I begun tu try tu bar
tn the lef,so as tu hit the tavrin door, but I wer a
gwin e so fas’
,I cudn ’
t sheer a bit,but struck the flat
form about the midil,cress
’
d hit like a shot,busted
thru the rail in an’
a bainchrcarryin away bou t six feeteve each
,an
’
a sleepin n igger. Down,down— ker
lunge,twenty-five foot in tu the river. I lit a-swimin
,
fur I spected every momen t tu hev tail,rail
,an
’ he ’
n s,
wif thu teen hundr’
poun’
s eve bull meat,atop eve me.
I swum ou t tu a rock pile, an’ hearn him lumberin thru
the bridge like he weighed four ton s. I seed h im run
outen tu ther aind; rail an ’
al l,an
’ his tail es strait up inthe air as hit wer when he wer-h istin aig
-baskits an’
wimin,scept hit hed two kinks in hit, put thar by the
lam’-pestez. He disappeared amung the Amherst hills
,
a smarter bull by a durn’
d site,ef
’sperierice am wuth
a du'i'n . I ’ll bet he often coun ts the valuer eve a tailin fly
-time,agin the bother eve on e i n fitin
,an
’
envysstump-tail bulls ’
cordi n ly . That’s the las ’ muss I hestuck sides i n
,whar I din ’t keer a cuss which wh ipp
’
d’
an’ I hed tu du a marster feel thing while hit wergwine on.
”
MRS. YARDLEY’S QUILTING .
THAR’
S one durn’
d nasty muddy j ob, an ’ I is j i s’
glad enuf tu take a he‘n ur two
,on the straingth eve
What have you been doing, Sut ?Helpin tu salt ole Missis Yardley down.
What do you mean by that ?”
Fix in h er fur rotten cumfurtably, kiverin her upwif sile
,tu keep the buzzards frum cheatin the wurms. ”
Oh, you have been helping to bury a woman.
”
That’s hit,by golly ! Now why the devil can ’t I
’splain mysef like yu ? I ladi es out my words at randum
,like a calf kickin at yal ler
-jackids ; yu j is’ rolls
em ou t tu the pin t,like a feller a-layin bricks—every
one fits. How is it that bricks fits so clost enyhow ?Rock s won ’t n i du hit.”
Becaze they’
se al l eve a size,ven tured a man with
a wen over h is eye.
“The devil yu say , hen’
ey-head ! ha in t reapin-mer
sheens eve a size ? I ’d like tu see two eve em fit clost.Yu wait outil yu sprouts tuther he
’n,afore yu ven ters
MRS . YARDLEY S QUILTING. 135
tu’splain mix ’
d questions. George,did yu knew ole
Missis Yardl ey ?”
N
W ell,she wer a Cl l l
'l Oll S
’oman i n her way, an’
she
were shiney specks. New j i s’ listen : Whenever yu
see a ole’
eman ahine a par eve shin ey specks, yu keep
yer eye skinn’
d ; they am dang’
rus in the extreme.
Thar is j is’
no knowi n what they ken du. I hed on e
a -stradil eve me onst,fur k i ssm her gal . She went
fur my har, an’
she wen t fur my skin , ontil I the’t she
men t tu ki ll me,an
’ wud a-dun hit,ef my hollerin
hadent fe tch ole Dave Jerdan,a bacheler
,tu my aid.
He,like a durn
’
d fee l,cotch her by the laig, an
’
drugher back
’
ards ofen me She j is ’ kivered him,an
’ I run,
by golly ! The nex time I seed him he wer baldheaded
,an
’
his face looked like he’d been a-fitin wil dcats“Ole Missis Yardl ey wer a great noticer eve littil
things,that nobody else ever seed She’d say right in
the middi l eve sumbody’
s serious talk : ‘Law sakes !thar goes that yal ler slut eve a hen , a-flingin straws overher shoul der ; she’s arter settin now,
an’ hai nt laid but
seven aigs. I’ll disapint her, see ef I don ’
t ; I ’ll put apunkin in her ne ’s
,an
’
a feather in her nose. An’ bless
my soul ! j is ’ look at that cow wif the wilted ho’
n‘
,
a -flingin up di rt an ’
a-smel l in the place whar hit cumfrum
,wif the rale ginuine still-wurim twis
’in her
.
tail,
tee ; what upon the face eve the yeath kin she be arter
new,the ole fool ? watch her, Sally. An
’ sakes alive lj i s
’ look at that ole sew ; she ’s a-gwine in a fas’ trot
, wif
her empty bag a-fleppin agin her sides. Thar,sh’
e hes
step ’t,an
’
s a -l isten in ! massy on us ! what a long yearn isgrun t she gin ; hit cum frum way back eve her kidneys.Thar she goes agin ; she’s arter no good, sich kerryinon mean s no good ’
An’
so she wud gabble,no odds who wer a-l isten in .
She looked like she mout been made at fust ’beut fourfeet long
,an
’
the common thickn ess eve wimen whenthey’s at tharsefs
,an
’
then'
had her har tied tu a stump,
a par eve steers hitched to her heels,an
’ then straiched
ou t a -mes’
two fee t mere—mos’eve the straicl nn
cumin outen her laigs an ’
n aik. Her stockins,a-hangin
on the clothes-line tu dry, looked like a par eve sabrescabbards
,an
’
her naik looked like a dry beef Sha nksmoked, an ’
meut been n i on tu es tough. I n erer felthit mysef, I di dn
’t,I j is
’
j edges by leeks. Her darterSal wer bilt at fust ’beut the laingth eve her mam,
butwer never straiched eny by a par eve steers an
’
she
wer fat enuf tu kill ; she wer taller lyin dewn than she
wer a -standin up.
’
Hit wer her who gin me the ‘humpshoul der.
’
J is’look at me ; haint I’se get a tech eve the
dromeda ry back thar bad ? hain t I humpy ? Well,
a—steepin tu kiss that squatty lard-stan eve a gal iswhat dun hit tu me. She wer the fairest-lookin gal Iever seed She allers were thick woel in stock ins
’beutsixinches too long fur her laig ; they rolled down over
38 MRS. YARDLEY’S QUILTING.
b
an’ this is December. I ’d ’bout es lief be shet up in a
steam biler wif a three hundred pound bag eve lard, estu make a bisiness eve sleepin wif that gal—
’twoul dkill a glas s-blower.Wel l
,tu cum tu the serious part eve this conversa
shun,that is how the old quilt-mersheen an
’ coverlidloem cum tu step eperashuns on this yeath She hed
narrated hit thru the neighborhood tha t nex SaterdayShe ’d gin a qu iltin
—three quilts an ’
one cumfurt tu tie.
‘Geblers, fiddils, gals, an ’ whisky,
’
wer the words she
sen t tu the men -folk,an
’
more tetch in ur wakenin
words n ever drap’
t ofen an’oman ’s tongue. She sed
tn the gals,
‘Sweet teddy, huggin , dancin , an’ huggers
7
in’
bundun ce. Them words struck the gals rite inthe pit eve the stumick
,an
’ spread a tick lin sen sashun
bef ways,on til they scratched thar heads wif one han
,
an’ thar heels wif tuther.
Everybody,he an
’
she,what wer baptized b’
levers
in the righteousnes eve qu iltin s wer thar, an’ hit j is
’
so
happen ’d that everybody in them parts,frum fifteen
summers tu fifty win ters,wer unannamu s b
’
levers.
Strange, warn’t hit ? Hit wer the bigges’ qu iltin ever
Missis Yardley hilt, an ’
she hed hilt hundreds ; everybody wer thar,
’scept the cen stibil an
’
suckit-rider,two
dam easily-spared pusson s ; the numbers n i on tu eventee ; j is’ a few more boys nur gals that made hit more
exhitin,fur hit gin the gals a chance tu kick an
’ squeala l ittil , wifout runn in eny risk eve not gittin kissed at
MRS . YARDLEY’S QUILTING. 1 3 9
all, _an
’hi t gin reasonabil groun s fur a few scrimmages
amung the he’s. Now es kissin an’
fitin am the pepperan
’ salt eve al l soshu l getherins , so hit wer more espisho
ul ly W if this eve ours. Es I swung my eyes ever thecrowd
,George
,I thought quiltins, managed in a morril
an’ sen si way, truly am good things—good fur free
drinkin, good fur free eatin
,good fur free huggin , geed
fur free dancin, good fur free fitin , an ’
geodest eve all
fur peperla tin a country fas ’.Thar am a fur-seein wisdum in qu iltin s, ef they hes
proper trimmin s : ‘vittil s, fiddils, an
’
sperrits in’
bun
dun ce. One holesum qu il tin am wuf three old pray’
r
meetin s on the pepe rlashun pin t, purtickerly ef hitshilt in the dark e ve the moon
,an
’
run s intu the n ighta few hours
,an
’ April ur May am the time chosen.
The moon don ’t suit qu iltins whar everybody is wellacquain ted an ’
already fur along in courtin. She duic
help pew’
ful tu begin a courtin match ender,but when
hit draws n i on tu a head, nobody wan ts a moon but theele mammys.
“The mern in cum,still
,saft
,sun shiney ; cocks
crowin,hen s singin
,birds ch irpin ,
tuckeys gebbl in—j is
'
the day tu sun quilts,kick
,kiss
,squeal
,an
’ makelove.
All the plow-lines an ’ clothes-lines wer straiched tuevery post an
’ tree. Quilts purvailed Durn my gizzard ef two acres reun that ar house warn ’t jis’ one solidquilt
,al l out a-sunnin
,an
’ tu be seed. They da zzled
140 MRS . YARDLEY’S QUILTING.
the eyes,skeered the
’
hosses, gin wimen the heart-burn
,
an’
perdominated
To’
ards sundown the he’s begun tu drap in. Yearn is
’
n eedi l -drivin cummenced tu lose groun ; threadsbroke ofen
,thimbils got los
’
,an
’ qui lts n eeded anuther
roll. Giggl in , winkin , whisperin , smeefin eve har, an’
gals a-ticklin on e anu ther,wer a-
gain in every inch eve
groun what the needils les’
. Did yu ever neti s,
George,at al l soshu l getherins , when the he
’
s begin tugather, that the young she ’s begin tu tickil one anutheran
’the ole maids swell thar tails
,reach up thar backs
,
an’ sharpen thar nails ontu the bed-posts an ’ deer jams
,
an’ spit an ’
groan sorter like cats a-courtin ? Dus hi t
mean ra le rath,ur is hit a dare tu the he ’s
,sorter
kivered up wif the outside sign s eve danger ? I henestly b
’leve that the young shes’
tickl in mean s,
‘Cum
an’ take this job ofen our han s. ’ But that swel lin
I j rs’
don’
t onderstan ; dus yu ? Hit looks skeery,an
’ I never tetch one eve em when they am in the
swel l in way. I may be mistaken’
d’beut the tickli n
bisiness tee ; hit may be dun like a feller chaws poplarbark when he hain t got eny terbacker, a
-sorter betternur nun make-shif I dus know one thing tu a cer
tainty : that is,when the he
’
s take hold the tickli n
quits,an
’
ef yu gits one eve the elema ids out tu hersef,
then she subsides an ’ is the smoefes,sleekes
,saft thing
yu ever seed,an
’
dam ef yu can’t hear her purr
,j is’ es
plain
142 MRS . YARDLEY’S QUILTING.
terprisin yu gits mens’reus well paid fur hit. The very
soun eve thar littil shoe-heels speak full trainin,an
’hes
a know mclick as they tap the floor ; an’the ru stil eve
that dress sez,
‘ I dar yu tu ax me.
’
“When yu hes made up yer mind tu court one, j is'
go at hit like hit wer a job eve rail-maulin . Ware yer
workin clese,use yer common
,every-day moshun s an
’
words. an ’
abuv al l,fling a '
way'
yer cinamint il e vial an’
burn al l yer love songs. N0 use in tryin tu fool em,
fur they sees plum thru yu ,a durn
’
d sight plain erthan they dus thru thar ’
veils. N0 us e in a pastedshut ; she ’s been thar. No u se in borrowin a cavortin
fat hoss ; she’s been thar. No u se in har-dye ; she
’sbeen thar. No use in cloves
,tu kill whisky breff she’s
been thar. No use in buyin clost curtain s fur yer bed,fur she has been thar. Widders am a speshu l mean s
,
George,fur ripen in green men
,killin off weak ones
,
an makin ’
ternal ly happy the soun ones.“Well
,es I sed afore
,I flew the track an
’
get ontuthe widders. The fellers begun tu ride up an ’ walk up
,
sorter slow,like they warn ’t in a hurry
,the durn
’
d
saitful raskils,hitchin thar critters tu enyth ing they
cud find One red-comb’
d,leng-spurr
’d,dominecker
feller,frum town
,in a red an
’ white grid-iron jackidan
’ paten t leather gaiters, hitched h is hoss, a wild,skeery
,wall-eyed devil, in side the yard palin s
,tu a
cherry tree l im’
. Thinks I, that hoss hes a skeerintu him big enuf m run In tu town
,an
' perh aps
MRS . YARDLEY’S QUILTING. 143
beyan t hi t, ef I kin on ly tetch hit off ; so I set in tu
One aind eve a long clothes-line, wif n ine dimun t
quilts on tu hi t,wer tied tu the same cherry tree that
the hoss wer. I tuck my knife and socked hit thruevery quilt
,
’beut the middi l,an
’ j is ’ below the rope,an
’
tied them thar wi f bark, so they cuden t slip. Then Iwen t tn the back aind
,an
’
ontied hit frum the pes’
,
knottin in a hoe-handil,by the middil
,tu keep the
qui lts frum slippin eff ef my bark strings fai led, an’
laid hit on the greun. Then I wen t tn the tu ther aindthar wer ’beut ten feet tu spar
,a-lyin on the groun arter
tyin tu the tree. I tuck hit atwix Wall-eye ’s hinelaigs , an
’ tied hit fas ’ tu bef stirrups,an
’ then cu t the
cherry tree l im ’
betwix his bridil an’
the tree,almos ’
off. New,mine yu thar wer two ur three uther ropes
full eve quilts atween me an’
the heus’,so I wer purty
,
well hid frum thar. I j l s ’ tore off a palin frum the
fence,an
’ tuck hit in bef hans,an
’arter raisin hit ’
way
up yander,I fotch hit down
,es hard es I cud
,flats ided
te’
ards the greun , an’ hit acksiden tal ly happen
’d tu h itWal l-eye,
’beut n ine inches ahead eve the root eve histail . Hit landed so hard that hit made my hans tingle,an
’ then busted intu splin ters. The first thing I did,
wer tu feel eve mysef, on the same spot whar hit hedhit the hoss. I enden t help duin hit tu save my life,an
’ I swar I felt sum eve Wall-eye ’s sensashun, j is
’
es
plain. The fust thing he did,wer tu tare down the
144 MRS. YARDLEY’ S QUILTING.
lim’
wif a twenty feetjump, his head te’
ards the heus '.Thinks I
,new yu hev dun hit
, yu durn’
d wall-eyedfool ! tarin down that l im ’
wer the begin in eve al l the
treubil,an
’
the hoss did h it hi ssef ; my con shun s feltclar es a moun tin spring
,an
’ I wer in a frame eve minetu ebsarve things es they happen ’d
,an
’ they soon be :
gun tu happen purty clost arter on e anu ther rite thenan
’ thar,an
’tharabeuts
,clean ontu town
,thru hit
,an
still wer a-happenin,in the woods beyan t thar n i on tu
eleven mile frum ole man Yardley ’s gate,an
’four be
The fust line eve quilts he tried tu jump, but brokehit down ; the nex one he ran ender ; the repe cotchontu the he ’n eve the saddil
,broke at bef ainds, an ’
went along wif the hoss, the cherry tree l im’
an’
the
fust line eve quilts, what I h ed preverden sal ly tied fas’
tn the rope. That’s what I calls foresight, George.
Right furn in t the frun t door he cum in contack wif ole
Missis Yardley hersef, an ’
anuther ole’
eman ; they wera -holdin a nine dimun t quilt spread out
,a-
’
zamin in hit,
an’a-
praisin hits purfeckshun s. The durn’d enman ~
erly, wall eyed fool ru n plum over Missis Yardley,frum ahi ne
,stempt one hine foot through the quilt
,
takin hit along, a-k ick in ontil he made hits corn ers snaplike a whip. The gals screamed
,the men hollered we !
an’
the ole’oman wer toted in tu the heus ’ limber es a
Wet string, an ’
every word she sed wer,
‘Oh,my preshu
s
nine dimunt quilt
146 MRS. YARDLEY’S QUILTING.
an’
gabblin , the kissin begun . Smack -"Thar
,new
,
’
a widder sed that Pop ! Oh,don ’t Pfip Oh
,
yu quit !’
Plosh / Go way yu awkerd critter, yu
ki ssed me in the eye !’
anuther widder sed that. Bap !
‘Now yu ar satisfied,I recon
,big meufI
’
. Vip Thathain t fair ! ’ Spat Oh
,lordy ! May, cum pull Bill
away ; he’
s a-tanglin my har.
’Thut l— ‘ I j is’ d-a-r-e
yu tu da that agin l’ a widder sed that,too. Hit
sounded al l’
roun that room like poppin ce’
n in a hot
skillet,an
’
wer pew’
ful sujestif.“Hit kep on outil I be duru ’d ef my bristils didn ’t
begin tu rise,an
’
sumthin like a cold buckshot wudrun down the marrow in my back-bon e ’bout every tensecons
,an
’ then run up agin,tolerabil hot I kep a
swal lerin wif nuthin tu swal ler,an
’my face felt swell
’
d
an’
yet I wer fear’
d tu make a bulge. Thinks I,I ’ll
ketch one ou t tu hersef torreck ly, an’ then I guess we ’ll
rasti]. Purty seen Sal Yardley started fur the smoke'’
eu s,so I j is’ gin my head I few short shakes, let down
one eve my wings a-trailin,an
’
sirkiled reun her wif aside twis ’ in my naik
,steppin sidewise, an
’
a-fetchin upmy h inmos
’
foot wif a sorter jerkin slide at every step.
Sez I,
‘Tee coo-took a -teo.
’She onderstood hit
,an
.
stopt,sorter spreadin her shoulders An
’ j is ’ es I hed
pouch’
d ou t my monf,an
’
wer a-reach in forrid wif hitfur the article h itsef, sunth in interfared wif me
,hit did
George,wer yu ever on tu yer han s an
’ knees,an
’
let a
hell-tarin big, mad ram,wif a ten -yard run
,but yu
Mas. YARDLEY’s QUILTING.
yearni s’ly, J i s
’ on st,right squar on tu the pin t eve yer
back-boneNo
, you feel ; why do you ask ?
Kaze I wan ted tu knew ef yu cud hev a real izin’
noshun eve my shock. Hits scarcely worth whil e tutry tu make yu enderstan the case by words only
,on
less yu h ev been tetched in that way. Gr-eat golly !the fust thing I felt
,I tuck hit tu be a back-ackshun
yeathquake ; an’
the fust thing I seed wer my chaw’
r
terbacker a-flyin over Sal’s head like a skeer
’
d bat.
My mouf wer peuch’
d out,ready fur the article hitsef
,
yu know, an’ hit wen t outen the reun hole like the
wad outen a pop-
gun— thug l an
’
the fust thingknow
’
d,I wer a flyin ever Sal ’s head tee
,an
’
a-
gain in
on the chaw’
r terbacker fast. I wer straitened outstrait
,tees h in emes
’
,middil finger
-nails foremos’
,an
’
the fes t thing I hearn wer, ‘Yu dam Shangbi 1’ GreatJerus-a-lam ! I lit on tu my al l fours j is ’ in time tu butthe yard gate ofen hits hinges, an ’ skeer loose sum more
hosses—kep on in a four -footed gallop,clean acrost the
lan e afore I cud straiten up, an’ yere I cotch up wifmy
chaw’
r terbacker,stickin flat agin a fence-rail . I hed
got so good a start that I thot hit a pity tu spile hit, soI j is ’ jump
’
d the fen ce an ’ tuck thru the orchurd. I tell
yu I dusted these yere close, fur I tho’t hit wer arter
me.
Arter runn in a spell,I ven tered tu feel reun back
thar. fur sum signs eve what hed happea tu me.
148"
MRS. YARDLEY ’S QUILTING.
George,arter two pew’
ful hardtugs, I pu ll’
d out thevamp an
’
sole eve one eve ole man Yardley’s bigbrogan s
,what he hed los’ amung my coat-tails. Dre
’
fu l l dre’
ful ! Arter I got hit away frum thar,my
flesh wen t fas ’ asleep,frum abuv my kidneys tu my
knees ; about new,fur the fust time
,the idear struck
me,what hit wer that hed in terfar’d wifme
,an
’
los’
me
the kiss. Hit wer ole Yardley hed kicked me. Iwalked fur a mon th like I wer straddl in a thorn hedge.
Sich a shock,at sich a time
,an
’
on sich a place—j is’
think eve hi t ! hit am tremenjus, haint hit ? The placefeels n um
,right n ew.
’
“Well,Su t
,how did the quilting come out ?
How the hell du yu’speck me tu knew ? I warn ’
t
thar eny more.
”
150 SUT Lovmeoon’
s DOG.
with the rappin cut loose,an
’ rite in the middil eve al l
this fuzzy lookin patch eve har, the .pin t eve hi s backbone
,kivered with a gristil , stuck out like on to a pidg
in’
s aig, caze he set ontu hit so much Well,the afar
looked mity sassy and fite like,eny how, purticu lerly
when hewur a struttin up tu a big strange dog tu smelleve
’im. It made his sturn look hier than hi s sholders
,
pupendicu ler and squar ; an’he hed a way .
ove walkinslow an
’ solemn like I’ve seed yung fellers do at campmeetin when approach in eve a gal at the spring wi ththar stud-hoss close on
,agwme sorter side ways an ’
mity keerfu l . I’
ve seed little hogs go through the
same motion s, wun in a peach orchard
,an
’tuther in the
lane,when they the ! they wan ted tu fite
,an
’ wud a du nhit but fur the fence what wur atween em. I neverfound out that he wur good fur enything but tu keepbred frum mouldin
,an
’meat frum spil in ; an
’ when hewan ted tu show glad
,es he hed no tale tu wag, he
wagged his hole sturn,an
’ his hine feet slipped abou ton the groun
,sorter like a fashunabil gal walks when
she thinks sum he feller is lookin at’
er. He wur cullured adzackly like a mildewed saddi l skirt
,an
’he ker
ried hi s years on a n owin sort of cock,like on tu a mu el
’
s
when he is skeered. He’
d whiskers round his eyes,an
’
on his hine laigs, an’must had a pew’
ful activ consince,
fur he wur the mean est coun tinenced dog I ever seedin my life. Now as tu his nater
, yu cud n ever set ’
im
ontu enything yu wanted tu,an
’
endu’t call ’
im ofen
SUI‘ Levmeoon’
s DOG. 151
enything he got arter on his own accord. He wurskeered al l the time
,an
’ stud redy tu ru n ur tu steal,as
the chan ces mout be : an ’ takin ’
im altogether,he wur
j is’
the rite sort eve a dog tu belong tu me—not wurtha durn
,an
’
erter been killed afore his eyes got open.
“Well,Stuff-gu t he fol lered me tu town wun day
J i s’ caze I didn ’
t wan t ’im tu ; an ’ while I wur gittin on
a hed eve steam at the doggery,he started reun town
on a stealin experdition eve his own , an ’ like hi s cussedfool own er
, got hi ssef in ter a fust -rate scrape an’ skeery
without half tryin , an’
in less nor n o time at that.“I'bed gin myself a shake in the doggery
,an
’ hearthe whisky in me slosh
,I know’
d I hed my load aboard,so I cum out in tu the street
,an
’—the fust thing Iseed he cum a tarin down the street fifteen times fasternor I thot he cud run
,j is ’ a bowin eve h issef
,his years
set flat on tu his n eck,an
’ his bristles al l set like a blackpearch
’
s top fin , his eyes shot up fast an ’ tite,and he
hed on a sort eve ban ess made outer strings,sorter like
the set dad were when he acted hoss,an
’
he wer hau l in
eve an’old stage lan tern and hi t filled with wet powder
,
an’
sot afire.
Now the sparks,an
’
the scizl in an’
the dust,an
’the
ratlin,an
’
the youlin,an
’
growl in , an’ barkin
,an
’
the
eighty-n ine ur n inety dogs eve all kinds wha t wur achasin eve him,
made sum sen sashun . Well—hit—d id.
Whew-w-w ! When I seed h im pass without nowin meI thot eve Dad
’s ho’net tribulashun,an
’
felt that that
152 SUT Lovmeoon’
s DOG.
wur such a thing as a tribulashun at las’
; an’ then I
got mad an’ looked reun fur sum wun tu ven t rath on
,
an’ seed a long-legged cuss
,sorter eve the Lovingood
stripe,with his hat cocked before sittin a straddil eve
a hoss-rack,a swingin his legs an a-singin
Rack , back Davy. rarin up behine,
You Showme your root, an ’ I’ll show you mine.”
Thinks I, yu’
l l do,ef yu didn
’
t start my dog on
that hellward experdition eve his ’n, yu
’
ll do to. put iton enyhow,
so here goes. Sez I ‘Mister-what-hedmy
-dog-dun -tu-yu He pade no ten tion,but kep on
a-singinRack , back Davy , daddy shot a bar.
Shot ’em in the eye, an’ never tech a hat .”
I seed it wur no u se tryin tu breed a quarrel ; sothat I mout be able tu breed a fite
,an
’ I 3 1st len t h ima slatharin calamity
,rite whar his nose commenced a
sproutin from atween his eyes,wif a ruff rock about the
size eve a goose aig. Hit fotch ’im ! He drapped ofen
the hoss-rack,but hilt a squirrel-helt on tu the pole wit
his paws an ’hin e feet
,an
’ hung back down. I jumpedhed fust through
,atween his belly an ’
the pole ; myheft broke his helt
,an
’
we cum tn the ground a-fitin
me ondermost,an
’ turu’d heads an ’ tails. So the fus tthing I did
,was tu shut my jaws on tu a mouthful eve
hi s steak,n i on tu the place wher yer foot itches to go
when yu ar in kicki
n distance eve a,
fop. He fit mitily
SUT LOVINGOOD’
S DOG.
J ist as h e got clost tn the carry al l,th e powder cotch fire, an’
soon arterward s even t
Ofl: a n‘80 d i d h e. head fa st.” Pa ge 153 .
SUT Lee eeeD’
S DOG. 153
fur the chance he hadgbut I soon seed he had a crosseve bar in
’im
,fur he cudn
’
t stand tickl in behind, ef itmeut be called ticklin at al l ; fur every time he got his
hin e legs ender him,he tried his durndest tu jump
loose ; but my helt hilt, an’
we would take our fus t persitiou agin . I thot eve a box eve matches what I hedin my pocket so I foch the whole boxful a rake ontuthe gravil , an stuffed em al l a -blazin inter one eve the
pockets in his coat-tail. New,mind
,he n ow ’d nuthin
eve these perseed in s , fur h is mind wur exercized pew:
ful about the hurtin I wur a helpin’
im tu beh in e“
. Ino
’
d he’
d seen show strong sign s eve wan tin tu go.
So the fust big rare he fe tch arter the fire reached h ishide
,I j ist let my mouth fly open—se—an
’
he wen t !
h is hole tail in a blaze !Rite here
,boys
,I must tell yu sumthin I didn ’t no
mysef, ur durn me,ef I hedn ’
t let him beat me in ter apenl tis, afore I ’d a-set him on fire—I’d a-seed himdurn
’
d fust. The thot on it skeers me yet. He had
two pounds eve gunpowder in tether pocket, a-takinhome to a Shootin match.
“W ell,he aim ed tu run past a tin peddl in waggin
what was a-standin in the street,with a fast-rate set eve
old live hoss bon es atween the shafts,while the Yankee
wu s in the doggery, a -firin up tu leave town . J ist as
he got clost tu the carryall, the powder cotch fire ’ an’
seen arterwards wen t of ,an
’so did he
,head fust
,frog
fashion,rite thru the top load eve tin war. He lit a
7*
154 SUT Lovmeoen’
s DOG.
runmin ten feet tuther side ; his” coat-tails wur blowed
eff tu his shoulders,the hine aind eve hi s gall uses wus
raped round his neck,the tale eve his shut wus loose
,
an,up in the air thirty feet
,still a-risin an
’
blazin like akemit ; his britches hung loose on the frun t side
,like
on tu a forked aprun , while the sittin part eve em wusblowed tu kingdom cum
,and so wur everythi ng else
belongin tu that regin ,whi le his back wus as black as
a side eve upper lether. It rained tin buckets,an
’
strainers,an
’
tin cups,an
’ pepper boxes,an
’ pans,an
’
stage ho ’
n s,al l over that street
,fur two minits an
’
a’
al£
Now that explosion ,an
’
the tin war ratlin an’
a
rain in,made a rite peart noise
,specially eve a still day
in fac,enuf tu wake up the ele hoss bones an
’
gin him
the idear that he’d best leave town quick ; so he laidhis years back an
’ straitened out his tail an ’ she t He
made kindlin -weed outen the waggin agin a sine-pest,
an’
betuck h issef tu the woods,stretched out about
twenty feet long,an
’not mor
’
n three feet high on the
withers,with 3 i s about enuf harn ess stickin tu him tu
make a cullar for a bell cow.
“Thar wus wun cussed nutmeg-makin Yankee brokeplum up
,an
’I’
m durn’
d glad eve it Old Rack BackDavy
,the hoss-rack man
,made fur the river
,an
’ I follered tu the bank tu see ef he hedn
’
t drownded h is sefbut no sir ! Thar he wur, about the middi l eve the
river,a-swimin fur tu ther bank
, j ist a spl itin the warterwide open , an
’ his busted britches legs a-fleatin arter
156 SUT Lovmeoon’
s DOG.
out arter his skalp. That trip tu town,like the cuttin‘
box,hes changed his dispersition agin
,al l shewin the
pew ful changes that kin be made in even a d og. I
cum outen that scrape purty well, yet I hed tu show
the family di spersition tu make d d feels eve
sefs
“How,Su t ?
Why,I ought to a-toted off a lode eve that permis
cus tin war. Oughtent I ? say I”
SUTATANEGRO NIGHT-MEETING.
QUIT yer keId playin an’
ritin,an
’ listen tu me ;
I’
se swel l’
d up wif a tale,an
’ I ’ll bust ri te yere in thiscamp ef I don ’
t git hit outen me. I ’sis ted wunst at a
nigger meetin at Leg Chapil camp-groun,tu more pup
us an’
wif more pin t than folks ginerly’sists on sich
cashuns.
”
“You assisted ? When ?Yas
, yu may whistil , but durn ef I didn ’t. Ain tthe word rite ? Hf a feller stands up when anuther
’
s
a-gittin tied tu an’oman
,don
’
t the noespapers say he
’sisted Ef a wun -hess preacher sits intu the pulpitwhile a two -hoss one preaches
,don ’t they prin t hit that
he’sisted ? An
’
if a big-bug ’s wife ’s dorg wer tu held acow ’s tail in his teef while she milk
’
d,they ’d say he
’
sisted. Well,ef
'’
sistance is what the noespapers makeshit out tu be
,I ’sisted sum
,durn
’
d ef .I didn ’t !Well
, wun Sat’d y n ite,al l the he
,an
’
mos’
eve the
she n iggers fur ten miles reun,started tu held a big
meetin. They cum a-foot,on hess ’s
,on muels
,on exes
,
on bulls,on sleds
,in carts
,waggins an
’ buggys. The
158 SUT AT A NEGRO NIGHT-MEETING.
meetin wer wuf n i ontu five hundred thousin dul lars
in flush times,an
’
yu cud a-smelt hi t a mil e,afore I
begun tu ’
Sist,an
’ fifteen mile erter I ’sisted. An’
the
n ise—well,when I larn s tu spell an
’
pernoun ce the
flavor eve a ded hoss,play the shape eve a yeathen
war-jug ontu a fiddi l,ur pain t the swifness eve these
yere laigs on tu a clap-board; then I ’ll ’scribe the n iseeve that meetin
, purticu lerly arter I ’sisted awhile.
‘Sumthin mu s be lef tn the’
maginashun ,’
ole Bullensed
,when he wer givin in his l izzerd ’
sperience, an’
hit arn es true es sayin yas, when a man axes yu ur
me ef we wan t a ho’
n eve skin -gut when hits rain in,
“
an’ sich kerryins on hesn
’
t been seed since ole Tam
Shadrick wer a -seein the witches a -dan sin thru theole chu ’ch " winders what yu narrated tuther ni te . Ib ’leves intu witches
, ghestez, an’
al l long-nebbed thingsmysef, an
’
so dus mes’
folks,but they ’s tu cowardly tu
say so.
I wer in the setilment runmin a daily line,wif no
failures,atween Wheeler’s hill-heus ’ an
’
Kidd ’s gre ’
cery,leavin a mail at ole Missis Cruze’s wif the gals
,
an’
a-shuffl in roun ’
gineral ly twixt trips eve a n ite. Ihearn hit narrated that the meetin wer a-goin tu beso I set in an
’
fix’
d mysef fur hit, so es tu be abil tu’sist ’
em sum.
“I purvided about a dozen ho ’
n ets’
nestes,big soun ’
wun s,an
’ stepped em up full eve disapinted, bewild’
red
’vengeful, savidge, oncircumsized ball he ’
nets,sharpnin
160 SUT AT A NEGRO NIGHT-MEETING.
I fix ’
t my’sortmen t eve stink skins ender the long
seat eve the pulpit in the chu’ch, wif slip nets on tu thenecks
,so that pullin wun string on tied al l ev
’
e em,an
’
let down a big slab tu squeese em flat. I plan ted myball be ’
nets colonys ender the bainches amung thestraw ender the big shed what j ined the chu ’ch
,an
wun peculuer an’ chosen n estes I laid away ender the
exhortin box,ur shed pulpit. All on em hed strings
so I cud open cmat wun st frum the thickets,when
I thort hit time tu take sich a spen sabil step. Theyhed hawl
’
d straw un till hit cum up n i on tu levi l wifh e tops eve the hainches
,tu git happy in
,an
’
du tharhuggin an
’
wal lerin on ; hit hid the inemy what I hedambush
’
d thar fus ’rate,an
’
arterwards wer put tu a
diffrent use than gittin happy on,I ’ll swar tu that
7
fac
“Well,n ite cum
,an
’fetch wif hit the mos pufick
’sortmen t eve n iggers yu ever seed outen Orlean s urTephett, a big pine torch-lite at n i on tu every uthertree reun the shed
,an
’ taller candils in tu the chu’chheus whar they cumenc
’
d thar wurk ; but I’m sistimat~
ikal ly duru’d if they fin ished hit thar ; not by a sirkil
eve five mile.
“A pimpil -face, greasy-collar’d,limber-mouf ’d suckit
rider drap’
t ofen a fat hoss,an
’
set in tu sorter startinthe n igger brethrin in the rite track. He warn ’t furfrum bein a nat
’ral born durn
’
d fool hissef,fur I seed
him peep ender the seat es he set down in the pulpit,
SUT AT A NEGRO NIGHT-MEETING. 161
whar he seed the bulge eve wun eve the bladders,stick
in out frum ender the slab a l ittil. He licked his lips,
then smak’t em,an
’
wink’
d a oily sort eve wink at a
Baptis ’ nigger preacher what set by him,an
’
he show’dall eve hi s teef arter he d tuck a peep, an ’
swal ler’
d like “
he wer gittin down a ho’
n. They wer bof on em showin thar in stinks : the suckit rider tuck hit tu be the
breast eve a fat roas hen,an
’
the Baptis ’ thot hit werthe bulge eve a jug. Shapes , George, can
’t be ’pendedupon , taste am the thing.
“Well,the pot
-gutted,ball-heded Baptis bull n ig~
ger, what wer feel’d on the jug question , set his specks
an’ tuck a tex ; hit werYa sha ll smell sweet-smellin garbs, a n
’
eat honey p itti ls
da r, fur thars n o stink
,nur bitter
,whar yoa
’
s gwine, in
He wer j is’in the middil eve the sweet-smel lin
yarb part,a-citin eve poseys
,sinamin t draps
,fried ba
con,an
’
the scent eve the cupboard,as good yeath ly
smells,a-gittin hot
,an
’
a-breakin a holesum sweat,
when a ole she shouted‘Oh
,bress hebin ! I smell him now.
’
As she srnack’
t her han ’s,I pul l
’
d the string. The
stinkabus begun tu roll an ’
rise,an
’ spread. Oh my
lordy ! lordy ! Pimple-face wal l ’d up his eye s,coff
’
d
blow’
d h is nose inh is hankecher,an
’ sorter looked behine the preacher
,like he ’
spected tu see a buzzard,or
an’onbelever
,or sich like, atween h im an
’
the wall.
162 SUT AT A NEGRO NIGHT-MEETING.
The n igger stop’t as short as ef he’d been shot
,rite
in the middil eve the wurd ‘Oaneyan,’ histed the pin t
eve his snout up atween his eyes,turu’d his upper lip
in side ou t,threw
’
d his head back,an
’
Scented slowlyal l reun. I hes seed ole steers da hit adzack ly the sameway. He shook his hed till his years slapt like a hog’swhen he’s a-gittin mad
,an
’ his Specks lit in the straw ;then he scen ted reun ’
agin .
“By this time bout two hundred . miserlanu s n iggerswer a -sayin H it -a it thru thar snouts
,wif thar moufs
she t ; ’beut half es meny a-coffi n,a few sickly wun s
tryin not tu vomit,an
’
wun skaley heel’
d he wer a-stuffin two corn -cob pints intu his n ose
,an
’
a saft wool hatin tu his mon f. Sum ten ur fifteen said ‘Oh
,lor a
massy ! what dat W un ole feller wif meal on hiswool
,
’lowed sum fat brudder dun bust h issef,an
’
am
leakin ou t the cabbage. Better ’tire tu de weeds, git
7
sow’ up
,an
’
den stay dar. One ventered ‘ pele-cat ;’
anu ther,
‘ twen ty pole-cat ; an’
a dorg a-stirrin em,
’
added anu ther ;‘ded hoss
,
’
sed a big he,wif a hearse
cold ; ‘spild crout,
’squeak
’
t a she ;‘buzzard’s nes
’
;
frum a back bainch ; ‘rotten aigs an
’
a heap on em,
grun ted a ole mammy wif a belly like a dinner-pot, an’
a wool mitten in her mon f ‘wus nur dat,by golly
,
’
snorted a dandy n igger,a-holdin his snout ; ’burnt
leder,
"frum a feel gal ; ‘burn t brimstone
,
’frum a boy ;
‘maggoty soap grease,’
guess’
d two or three ; ‘al l dem
tings mix an’
a-bilin,da t
’
s hit,
’ said a knowin -lookin
164 SUT AT A NEGRO NIGHT-MEETING.
This am more di sagreabil than whi sky an ’
inyuns
said Pimple-face,tu me.
‘Yas, perticulerly the inyuns,
’sez I.
He looked at me like he wer sorry fur me,an
’
wud
es leve pray fur me es not,an
’ wen t an ’ dipt hi s hed inthe branch.
“By this time the chu ’ch wer empty,
’
sceptin the
stink,an
’ hit wer everywhar, oezin thru the shingleslike smoke. The candils burnt dim like thar wer a
fog in the heus’
,an
’ hit wer enhelthy tu preach in tillfres’
,an
’ thar aint a n igger in that settilment what kintell the smell eve a scen t bottil frum a barril ov ‘
e ret
ten fish tu this day. They ’d be pew’
ful good stock tuwurk in a soap factory. Don ’t yu speck they wud ?The soggy an ’
muddy heded wun s hilt a pew-wow,an
’
narrated hit that in spite ‘eb de ole sarpint de debil an
’
he stink in he heus,
’ they men t tu tote on the meetin
tu a shou tin aind,ender the shed. So they shot up
the deer an ’ winder shutters eve the chu’ch,an
’
as the
wind hed sorter ris,the outside smells warn ’t much
wus nor yu gin eral ly smell et pork-killin houses,ur
camp meetins.
.This wur the wust’
elus ion ever a messeve n iggers did cum tu
,since ole Shadwick ’
s darkys ondertuck tu make white folks outen tharsefs by pain tinthar cackuses wif enslack ’
t lime. Ole Shadwick gethered enuff wool tu pay thar doctur
’
s bills.“Well
,they blew’
d a he’n,an
’ ‘Pimple face ’ tuckthe crank eve the ‘make happy cum
’
mersheen,es al l
SUT AT A n ew NIGHT-MEETING. 165
the preachin an’ grace hed been plum stunk outen his
cu l ler’
d bruther. The sistren mos on em got ni on tu thepulpit
,whar the straw wer deepest wif sich eve the he
’
s
es hed a appertite tu help du the huggin an’
wal lerin.
‘Pimpil-face
,
’blew
’
d his nose,
flung his hanketcheracross the pulpit
,an
’
sed ‘hit wer all fur the bes’ that
they wer druv frum the hou s’
; grace allers spread hitsef better an ’
smoofer,outen doors then hit di d in the
heus ’. Tu git happy good, yu mus,hev elbow-room
an’ straw ; these cundishuns wer fill
’
d,an
’
he’d be dis
apin ted ef that wurn ’
t a warm activ meetin.
’ ThinksI wif me to
"sist,
’
ef hit ain t al l y'
u’
s sed,an
’
more tu,
I se no j edge eve the nater eve ball be ’
nets,an
’
the
power eve stimilu ses.
“He sed,arter he ’d dun preacl un , he men t tu pass
reun ’
a small hat,tu git sum mean s tu buy flann in pet
ticoats wif,fur the freezin sistren in Africa. Ef ever
he ‘
pass’
d a hat’ hit warn ’t at Log Chappil ,
’
sceptin
what loose wun s he pass’
d a runni n outen thar ; I ’
Sis '
ted in spilin wun coleckshun,I’
m durn’
d ef I didn ’
t
He tuck a t e x : Thar sha ll be weep in an’
ra i lin an
chemp in eve tee] ; had, an’
then wif no tee] ,sha ll smash thar
gums tugether like on tu wolf traps. Sez I tu mysef,that’s hit
,that is hit
,dorg on me ef yu hain t draw
’
d the
rite kerd this pep, fur I kn ew’
d I wer ’sistin ’eve him.
“He set in in yeanest, ontied his choke-string,then
Shucked his coat, nex his jack id He play’
d pew ’
fulbad
,didn ’t he ? fur me tu hole the
’sisten han’
,fur
166 SUT AT A NEGRo NIGHT-MEETING.
shuckin hissef didn ’t fortify again my .ho’
nets much,
hit didn ’t. About the time he drapt his jack id, an’
wer
a-tryin tu jump outen his trewsis wifout onbuttun in em,
the n iggers wer a-mixin,he an
’
she,hel lerin an
’
begin in
tu hug,an
’rar
,an
’ waller,rite peart
,an
’nat
’
ral like,
the dus,an
’the same ole stink
, wif the sweat variashuna -ri sin agin . W un ole she fotch her fat han ’s a slaplike killin flies
,an
’
she squal l’
d ‘
gloree,’an
’her monf
look’
t like the muzzil eve a boot, wif red linin.
“Thinks I,j is’ n ew is es good a time es eny ; the pat
rollers mite cum in an’ spile hit wif thar durn ’
d foolishn ess ; so I j is’ draw’
d the strings'
keerful ly. The fustfruit eve that ac’. what I netised, wer ontu Pimple-facehissef. I seed him fotch h issef a lick a side the hedwhat stagger
’
d him,then he hit hissef wif bef han ’s
on tu the place whar they brands Freemason s an ’
mus
tangs,an
’
he shet his belly forwards an ’ his shoul dersback
’
ards,like ontu a
’oman shettin the n ex’ tu the
top drawer eve a beauro ; an’
he cum outen that pulpitback
’
ards a-tarin,his hans a-flyin reun his hed like a
par eve windin blades. I thort he hed eitey fingers antwen ty thumbs. He embraced a bru ther
,back-holts
,
what wer a-tryin tu roll off the hurtin in the straw,an
’
they j i s’kick
’
d an’rel l
’
d on in cahoote.
“Thar wer lets eve n iggers,mix
’
d heads an’ tails in
that orful straw-pile—heds,laigs, arms
,feet
,ainds eve
hainches,bunches eve straw an
’ strings eve dartin he ’
nets a-showin tharsefs a-tep fur a momen t ; then sum
168 SUT AT A NEGRO NIGHT-MEETING.
oath,while they wer shot up in thar nestes
,tu fite furs
ever every livin thing they met,frum the way they
actid. Fur them what fol lered the n iggers in tu theweeds foun ’
the hosses,muels
,an
’
exes,tied out thar
,
an’ part eve em fastened on tu the heastes
,an
’ they immejuntly set in tu imitatin the n iggers in actin dam fee l ;they ji s ’ broke loose, rar
’d,kick
’
d. fell down , rell ’dever
,run away
,bawl
’
d,bel ler
’
d,n icker
’
d,screem
’
d,
an’
bray’
d,till they farly shuck the leaves on tu the
trees.W un yoke eve steers wif a big sled oum tarin heds
down,an
’ tails strait up,rite thru the shed
,an
’ I thinkthey mu s hev swep’ out n i on tu thu ty n igg ers
,big an
’
littil,an
’
a few hainches, in tu the woods W if em ,a-stick
in on tu thar ho ’
ns,on tu the yoke
,on thar backs
,an
’
on
the stakes eve the Sled. Yere cum a big gray hoss,
like a streak,draggin a buggy on tu hits side wif the
top up. His eyes wer red, an ’ his years laid back ; hesceep
’
d up his buggy plum full,an
’
j i s’
kep on . I ebsarved Pimpil
-face tangled up in the runn in gear,an
’
true tn the suckit rider’s in stink,he wer cl imbin pow
ful fur a in side seat He run a-
pas’
a postes what h eda ole tin pan atop eve hit full eve rich pine knots aburnin : he scoop
’
d that in amung hi s cargo eve n ig
gers tu warm em on thar thorny way, an’ then he 3 is ’
run by the lite eve h it Thar wen t a big grizly muel ,wif a side saddil way back on tu his rump, an
’ half a
peach tree fas’ tu his bridil ; he gobbled up two u r
SUT AT A n ew NIGHT-MEETING. 169
three l ittil n iggers in the tree-top,an
’ tuck em outenthe trubbil .
W un long laiged nigger busted outen the bunch whatwer down in the straw,
hel lerin ‘whoosh ! Oh gorami~ty ! hi t hurts til l he feel sorter good,
’an
’ tuck a rushskull fus ’ ag
i
n a weatherboarded camp,busted thru hit
like hit wer a aig shell, an’out at tuther side thru a
winder,a-tetin the sash wif h im reun his neck like a
collar,an
’ his wool full eve plank splin ters,broken
glass,an
’ tangled ball be ’nets. I likes that n igger : he ’sthe on ly feller I ever seed what tuck in the rale pureLovingood idear eve what erter be dun ender stronghurtin an
’
a big skeer. Jis run over ur thru everth ing
yure durndest, till yu gits cumfort, that’s hit.
“A hames-laiged spur-heel’
d wun tuck up a whiteoak
,sayin ‘whoosh ! ’ outen his nose every yerk he
made, an ’
findin no pease eve mine up thar, tuck downagin hed fus’, squirrel fashion , an ’
run enderthe chu ’chon tu hi s al l fours
,sum he
’
nets makin the same trip on
the same skedule.
“W un big . she run her hed ender a lean gal ’s coattail tu save her years, but a few activ ball ho ’
nets whatwer a scoutin in her rar
,made her git up blinefel ’ wif
the gal’
stradil her neck,her long black snake laigs
stickin strait out ahead,an
’
she a-heldin en tn the fat
wun ’s wool thru the dresswifwu n han ,an
’
a fitin ho’
nets
wif a hat in tuther,her hed threw
’
d back,an
’
a yowlin
like a scalded houn .
‘Fatty run herderndest,not seein
8
170 SUTAT A NEGRO NIGHT-MEETING.
ur keerin whar she went,down hill kerslunge in tu the
branch,an
’ like tu drownded bof eve em,an
’
sum ho’o
n ets tee .
W un slim buck n igger Shot rat-like in tu a l ittil j ugcloset
,ender the pulpit
,swel l
’
d up in thar on til theyhed tu tar up the floor nex day tu git h im out He tuckin wif him about forty be ’
nets,an they helpt him tu
be cumfortabil in thar ; I knows they did frum tharnater an ’ what he sed in his hole.
“Jis’ bout this time I foun ’ out how that gal getouten her shiff
,fur I seed sumth in dispersin hitssef in
tu the weeds,an
’
frum the glimpse I got hit look’
d ser
ter like a black munkey shaved wif white hine laigs ;hit wer that tormen ted gal in white stock in s. The
thing wer pufeckly plain , she hed j is ’ run outen herdress an
’ shiff at the same time. That’s what cums
eve bein a plum natral bern’d durn fool ; ya
’
d hev onderstood how she get outen hit, without eny studyin at al l .
“New I’
se on ly narrated the main pin ts,an
’h its
tuck me a good spell. But in three min its an’
a’
alf
arter I finish ’
d my’sis tin eve em by pullin them ar
strings,hit wer all over. scept the swel lin , hurtin , an
’
gittin home. Thar warn ’t even a dorg lef on that campgroun ’
,an
’
yu cud hear nufli n but the humin eve the
hun tin be’
nets,an
’the distun t n ise eve scatterin n ig
gers,ur uther beastez still gwine furder frum that place
eve torment,an
’ general discumfort.People wer huntin thar n iggers thru the coun ty fur
SUTLOVINGOOD’S SERMON.
T Q J CH IN G Y E CAT - F I S H E TAV E RN .
I SAY,George
,every critter what hes ever seed me
,ci
they hes sence enuff tu hide"
frum a cummin kalamity,ur run frum a muskit
,j is’ knows five great facks 111 my
case es well es they knows the road tu thar moufs.
F astly, that I hain t got nara a sou l,nuffin but a whisky
proof gizzard,sorter like the wust half eve a ole par
eve saddil bags. Secon ly, that I’se too durn ’
d a fool tucum even ender mil lertary ler. Tha dly, that I hes the
longes’ par eve laigs ever hung tu eny cacku s, ,
’sceptin
on ly eve a grandaddy spider,an
’kin beat him a usen
eve em j i s’
es bad es a skeer’
d dorg kin beat a crippledmud turkil . Foafly, that I kin chamber more corkscrew
,kill-devil whisky
,an
’ stay on aind,than eny
thing ’
sceptin only a broad bettum ’d chun . F ivety, an
’
las’
ly, kin git in tu more durn’
dmisfortn it skeery scrapes,
than enybody, an’ then run outen them fasta '
,by golly
,
nor enybody.
“Well now,ef these five pew’
ful strong pin ts evekaractar don ’t ‘
gin me the right tu preach ef I wan ts tu
. SUT LOVINGeeD’
S SERMON. 173
I wud l ike’
tu know whar sum preachers got thar pa¢
p ers frum. I means tu wade in tu the bisiness es deepes wun sermon , on the free will plan enyhow,
leavin
out the singin an’ te tin reun the hat. Listen tu me
,
fur I’
se in yearnis’bout this thing. Ef yu hes a par
eve hum in -glass specks,an
’ hit am a clar day, yu may
fine my texis j i s’ in side
,ur j is’ ou tside
, (I’
se furgot
which,) eve Lengfel ler
’
s injun tale,an
’
hi t reads ’beutso
Stop not ta res’
whar thar am a sign ,fur thar a in t
res’
onder’
hits shadder. Neither ea t w if a lan’
lord fa r
he’
s gerfoe. Bat gird up yer cotea i l,an
’
marvi l furder,leas
’
ya lose yer sou l a -cassin,a n
’
hev yer paun ch et in
l l t a partridge n et wifp isen . Keep the dus’
ove‘
the din ing
room ofen yerfoot, an’
the smell one the bed-room ofen yer
close, tha t yer days may be longer i n the la -
n’wha t yer
daddy’
s taehfrum the Inj uns.
’
“Feller sufl’rers, he an’she
i
The shakin an’
jumblin
eve this yere war eve ourn ,hes fotch up tn the top eve
the groun a new kine eve pisenu s reptile, whi ch furdurty ways, an
’
short turn s,kin j
'
i s’ beat the bes ’ cross
atwix’
a buzzard an ’
a wolf yu ever seed,es seen es he
bores his way outen the yeath what hatch’
d im,an
’
whar he erter be yet. He gits h im a long house,prin ts
on tu the frun t eve hit sum ketch in name,tu tote in the
hengry an’
onwary, an’the dam fools gineral ly, cal ls
hissef the ‘Perpryiter,’
an’
yu mu stn ’t call ’im enythi ng
else, fur ef yu dus, yu’d better gird up yercoteails an
174 SUT Lee eeeD’
s SERMON.
marvil furder,an
’marvil faster
,fur his beet hes a pew
~
fu l strong swing, a pew’
ful long swing, an’
a pew ’ful
quick swing. He is new perpar’
d tu starve,
’sult,swin
dil,be-dirty
,be-devil, an
’ turn inside out the puss,
peckid an’
stumick eve every misfortn it hungry tireddevil
,what am wayfarin on fun
,bisness
,ur frum a
skeer. He an’
she,ole an
’ young citerzen,ur seger
,
he sucks em al l ou t es dry es a spider dus a hoss-fly,an
’ turn s em out tu thar wayfarin agin,while he looks
’zamin ly arter em wif his fis ’ full eve thar shinplasters
,
then he wipes his horny bill on tu the deer jam likeon tu a hen arter she hes swal ler
’
d a toad,an
’ waits furthe nex
’ hoss-fly. Oh ! keep the dus’ eve his din inroem ofen yer foot, an
’
the smell eve his bed-roomofen yer close, that yer days may be longer in the lan
’
what yer daddy’s tuck frum the Injun s.
“The Perpryiter’
s suckshun am strong : he cudsuck a anvil
, (if hit wer geld,) down his freat, frumwun aind eve Cumberland tunn il tu tuther, an ’ thar’ sno ler eve anybody
’s make,nur the Squire’s make
,nur
the gineral s’make
,what k in weak in that suckshun a
mossel,ur make a mark on tu his shell ; ler j is’ rolls
ofen his back like draps eve warter ofen a duck or mal
lard,an
’
sufifin rolls ofen his casiren con shun s still al ittil faster. I seed a thread-bar
,faded
,cryin sej er
’
s
widder,wif a skil iten degratipe eve hits graveless fath
er in her arms,a-tuggin at a dry bladder, what hed
onst been a’
eman’
s breast,a-reachin pew ’
ful arter his
176 SUT LOVINGOOD’
S SERMON.
i
menyfeld tribu lashun s n ur anu ther this side the placewhar murd
’
rs,
’
dult’
rs,hook-nose Jews
,suckit-riders
,
tavrin folk,an
’
Sich like cattil go tu arter they ’s swepfrum the face eve yeath by death
’s broom,tu cumfert
tharsefs drink in bilin tar,an
’
eatin red-hot casiren
sassengers. Hit is duru’d infunel single slay’
d,pewter
spoon,fly
-blown,on e hoss
,half stock
’
d,single trigger,
smoef bore tavrin s,an
’ railroad feed troffs. They’ssh erten
’
d my days, they’s lain then ’
d my n ights,they ’s
poperlated the hole territory eve my cacku s,clear
’
d
lan’
an’ wood lan ’
,wif al l breeds eve dredful insex ,
they ’s gutted my peckid, they’s disturb’
d my dreams,they ’s ’
ston ish’
d‘
my stumck,they ’s skeer
’
d my apper
tite,they
’
se spilt my smel l in tools,they ’s deafen ’
d my
years,they’s ’
su lted my eyes,an
’ they ’s lef a marster stink al l over on tu me furever an
’
ever more,an
’
more so too ay—men . Oh
,my dear yearers, ‘keep
the dus’ eve thar din in -room ofen yer foot,an
’
the
Smell eve thar bed-room ofen yer close, that yer daysmay be longer in the lan
’ what yer daddy’s tuck frum
the Injun s. ’“I seed a well appearin man onst
,ax one eve em
what lived ahine a las’ year’s crap eve red hot brass
wire whiskers run tu seed, an ’
Shingled wif har like en
tu mildew’
d flax,wet wif saffron warter, an ’ laid smoef
wif a hot flat-iron,ef he cud spar him a scrimpshun eve
soap ? The ‘
perpryiter’an ser
’
d in soun’
s es sef an’
sweet es a poplar dulcimore,tchuned by a good nater
’
d
SUT LOVINGOOD’
S SERMON. 177
She angel in butterfly wings an’ cobweb Sh ifi
'
,that he
n ever wer j is ’ so sorry in al l hi s bern ’d days tu say no,
but the fac’
wer the selj ers had stole hit ; ‘a towil
then ; ’ ‘the selj ers hed stole hit ; a tumbler
,
’ ‘the sol
j ers hed stole hit ; ‘a lookin -
glass,’ ‘the soljers hed stole
n it ;’ ‘
a pitcher eve warter,
’ ‘the selj ers hed stole hi t
‘ then please give me a cleaner reem .
’
Qui ck es
light cum the same dam l ie,
‘the seljers hed stole hit
too. They buys scalded bu tter,caze hit crumbles an
’
yu can’t tote much et a lead on yer kn ife ; they keeps
hit four mon ths so yu wen’t wan t tu go arter a secon
lead. They steps up the figgers an’ flowers in the wef
fil irons fur hit takes butter tu fill the holes in the
wefii ls.
’
They makes soup outen dirty towils,an
’ j im s
sen burrs ; coffee outen n iggers ’ ole wool socks,roast
ed ; tea frum dorg fenn il , an ’ toas ’ frum ole brogan insoles. They keeps bugs in yer bed tu make yu rise intime fur them tu get the sheet fur a table-cloth Theygin s yu a inch eve candi l tu go tu bed by, an ’
a l ittil
nigger tu fetch back the stump tu make gravy in the
merni n,fur the hunk eve bul l n aik yu will swal ler fur
brekfus,an
’
they puts the top sheaf on tu thar orfu l
merl ign erty when they -men shun s the size eve yer
bill,an
’
lasly, while yu’
rc gwin e thru yer close wif asarch warrun arter fodder ‘
enuf tu pay hit, they refresh ‘
es yer memory eve other places,an
’
other times,by
tellin yu eve the orful h igh price eve tuckys,aigs,
an’
milk. When the dveil takes a likin tu a feller, an'
178 SUT LOVINGOOD’
S SERMON.
wants tu make a sure thing eve gittin h im,he J IS
’ putshi t intu hi s hed to Open a cat-fish tavern
,with a gran ’
rat attachmin t,gong ’
cumpanimint, bull’s neck var
iashun,cockroach cerus an ’
bed-bug refrain,an
’
dam
ef he don ’t git him es sure es he rattils the fust gong.
An’ durn thar onary souls, they looks like they expected
yu tu b’leve that thy am pius
,decen t
,an
’ fit tu be ’sociated wif
,by lookin down on yu like yu belonged tn the
enregenerit, an’ keepin a cussed ole spindel -shank
,rattlin
crazy, peaner,wifmud daubers nestes ender the soundin
beard,a-bummin out ‘Days eveAbsins
,
’
ur‘theDevil ’s
Dream,
’ bein druv thar too,by thar long-waisted
,
greasey har’d darter
,an
’ listen ’d to by J i s’ sich durn ’
d
feels es I is. Thar am an uther feeter in the cat-fish tav
rin,what hit hain t pufeck wifout. Hit is tu these
sweet scen ted instertushuns what the twis ’ is tu thepig ’s tail
,an
’
am in the shape'
ove a ole hairy lipp’
d’
oman : Sumtimes she is a motherin lor,sumtimes She
is a she uncle,sumtimes a ole maid Sister
, wifout the
fust four letters,an
’allers a durn ’
d nui sans gineral ly,
an’
a match fur the Scotch catch pussonal ly. She am
feater’
d like on tu a white face muley cow,what hed
been pisen’
d wif pizen oak vine. She hes a par eve
san’-bag ankils
,her body looks like hit meut a been
moulded in a barril wif a big bulge ; she ’s fend eve
biled taters,an
’
bad news ; she wars reun ’ shineyspecks
,a bunch eve keys, a cal licker redicule
,an
’
a
seed-bag cap, wun full eve quilt scraps an’ pipes, an ’
180 SUT LOVINGOOD’
S SERMON.
lord,fur he s yer fee, but gird up yer ceteail an
’
mar.
.vil furder, leas yu lose yer sou l a-cussin,an
’
hev yer
paunch et intu a partridge net wif pisen. Keep the duseve the din in -reem ofen yer feet, an
’
the smell eve the
bed-room ofen yer close that yer days may be longer
in the lan’ what yer daddy
’s tuck frum the Injuns.
BART DAVIS’S DANCE.
DU yu kn ow that bow-laiged boy on the fence
thar said Su t.“No ; who is he ?
That’s Bart Davis ’s yungest sen,name Obed. Jis ’
ebsarve how his sneut’s sk in’
d an’ his year slit an ’
so
forth .
”
“Yes,I see ; how did it happen ?
Happen ? hit didn ’t happen e t al l,hit wer dun
a-pupes, permeditated a-pupes. Ther wer a dance et
hi s dad ’s,las
’
Sat’
day n ite wer two weeks ago, what hedlike tu bred a berryin ur two ; the corpses wer mos
’
redy,an
’
nuffin but acksidin t kep em frum bein fin
ished I wer thar mysef, an’
kin say an’ swar that the
chances run mity even,a-tween mirth an
’mournin.
Fur a spell hit wer the exh itenest time I ever seedon sich a ecashun
,not tu hev no more whisky nur we
hed. Thar warn ’t but ’beut half a barril when we begun , an
’ when we qu it,we burn t the hoops an ’
stavestu dance the las’ reel by.
Everybody knows Bart is a durn ’
d no-coun t, jugo
182 BART DAVIS ’S DANCE.
kerryin , slow-thinkin,flea-burtin
,herrin -eatin
,Neth
Cal in ian,plays a three-string fiddil wif a grasshopper
j irk,while his wife totes the wood He hes but two
gifs wuf a durn : wun is, he ’ll vide his whi sky wif yudown tn the las ’ half pin t ; thar he steps, fur that’s j is ’ ahorn yu know ; an
’
tu ther is,he ain ’t foard eve eny
thing a -livin,sept ole Peg. I don ’t wunder et that
,fur
hit mu s’ take a man wif a ennatral ly big melt
,n ot tu be
fear’
d eve his wife,on less she ’s blind ur hes a sweethart.
Peg (she’s his ole quilt
, yu know) is a regular steel-trapeve an
’
oman ; she goes wif wu n side eve her frock
tucked up at the hips,her har down her back
,an
’
a
roasted hickory ender her arm tu scold the brats wif,an
’ tu skeer Bart. They ’ s bef great on dancin eve
Sat’
day n ites et home,an
’
sumwhar else on tuther
n ites. Ef thar’s a frolic enywhar in five mile, Bart issure tu be thar
,an
’Peg, tee , ef she
’s in trav il in fix,
which ain ’t more nur five months in the year. She
goes fur two reason s : wun is,tu eat an
’ dance,an
’
tuther tu watch Bart. He hes two reason s also : wu nis tu suck in al l the whisky fieatin reun
,an
’ tu du a
heap eve things what n eeds watchin . They giner’
l ly
hes a dermestic discu ssun arter they gets home,in
which,teeth
,claws
,an
’
beggin am the argymints , an’
‘I won ’
t du so no more,’
the aind eve hit. They am a
lively an’
even yek’
d par. Nobody else on the greenyeath erter be tied tu either eve em.
Well they mounted that par eve hames yu see on
184 BART DAVIS’
S DANCE .
menced a-tchun in up his sighin an’
groanin aperatus,.
a-shakin eve his head,an
’ lookin like he hed the bellyake. He endu’t hev leok
’
d more selemcely, ef hismam hed died that mern in a-ewin h im two dul lars an
’
a’alf. Al l these W lml n an
’
luvely senn s an’
moshuns
wer made on coun t eve the dan cin,an
’
p’
raps the cussin an
’ kissin . The whisky part eve that inturtainment
he’
d nuihu against. I lcnow’
d that,fur every time he
rel l’
d his eyes te ’
ards the barril,he
’
d lick his lips sortersloppy like
, J i s’
es ef he’
d been dippin h is '
bil l in tu acrock eve chicken gravy, an
’
wer tryin tu save the
stray draps,what hung outside his face. Oh ! he wer
j is’
a-hen in arter that ball-face whisky ; he ’
d a 3 18’
kiss’
d
hit es sweet,an
’
es long,es ef hit hed been a willin gal .
I sorter aidged up a -side him,an
’
sez I
‘Mister,wil l yu hev a few draps eve camfire
,
ur laudamy ? Yu seems tu be pew ’
ful ailin in yerinnards. Yu h esent swal lered a live rat
,ur a mole
,hes
yu
“He shook his head, an ’
fetch a sigh,what ainded in
a groan . Sez I
‘Rats ur moles am enhelthy things tu swal ler aforethey
’
se departed this life.
’
“He blew’
d out a orful sigh,part outen his nose
,but
mes’eve hi t out whar the tee eve the muel-shoe wer
,
an’
sez he
‘This am a wicked an ’
a parvarse generashun eve
vipurs, yung man.
’
BART DAVIS ’S DANCE . 185
An’
gin up tu hardness ever hart,an
’ deviltry,
an’belevin thunderin lies
,
’ said I ; an ’ I puffd out a
big sigh, wif a little groan fur a tail. Sez he
‘Thar am no-o-e -o dancin in hell,
’
an set intushakin eve his head
,till I thot he’d keep on fur ever
lastin,an
’
ever more. Sez I
Hain t yu s litelymi staken’
d in that las’ re-mark eve
yourn ? Ef thar’s es much hot truck,an
’ brimstone,an
’
cinders,an
’ hickory smoke,an
’ big burtin,in hell es
yu folks sez thar am,thar mu s
’
be sum dancin,pur
tickel erly J lgS an’ quick-steps ; they don ’
t lack fur
music,I reckon
,fur I
’
se allers hearn hell wer ful l evefiddlers
,an
’ thar’s Yankees enuf thar tu inven t fireproof fiddils fur em
,so they don ’
t wan t fur tchunes.
Al l on yeath that bothers me is the resim.
’
‘Ah,yung onregenerit man
,
’
sez he,
‘tlzar
’
s more
resim in hell than thar’s in al l Noth Cal iny.
’
‘But hit ain ’t quite hard enuf tu rub ontu fiddilbows, is hit ?’ sez 1.
“He grean’
d an’
shook hi s head, an ’ sen t wun one
eve his eyes to ’
ards the whisky corn er. I went an ’
fetch’
im a big slug in tu a gourd. That shovel-shaped en
der lip eve his’n J i s’
fell eut’ards like ontu the fallindoor eve a stone coal stove
,an
’he upset the gourd
inside eve his tecf I seed the mark eve the truckgwine down his freat J IS
’
l ike a snake travelin thru awet sassidge gut He smelt intu the gourd a good longsmell
,turned up his eyes, an’
sed ‘Barlm eve life. ’
186 BART DAVIS’
S DANCE .
Thinks I,ole Sock, I knew what fetch yu tu this
frolic besides yu’re hoss an ’ our whisky. Bart new
cum up,an
’ Hardshell ' te le him he’
d cum tu stay al l
Bi te. ef he suited al l reun.
Sartinl y, oh yas, an’welcum
,
’
sed Bart.The ole Sock
,n ever alterin the shape eve th e
hole tore in his face,sed
,mity sneerin like
,
‘Yu is
hesspitabil .’ I seed Bart sorter start
,an
’look at h im
,
an’
go off a-winkin at me tu feller him. W e wen toutside the heus’
,in tu a chimbly corn er
,an
’ tharwer two fellers
,wun eve em a she
,a-whisperin. W e
wen t tu tu ther corner an’ thar wer two more ; then we
wen t tn the stabil,an hearn wh i speri n thar ; hit meut
been rats a -runn in in straw. Se Bart cud held in n o
longer. Sez he
‘Never mine,I don ’
t keer a durn who hears me.
I b ’leve I’Se been ’
su l ted in my own hous’
; didn ’t thatdurn
’
d preachin mersheen call me a hoss‘That’s j is’ what he sed. He call d yu a hoss-pita
bil,
’
sez
'
I.
‘Pitabil, pitabil ,
’
sez Bart,
‘dam ef I don ’
t b ’levethat’s wus nur the hess. ’
‘Sartin ly,’sez I
,
‘
pitabil is a sorter Latin tail stucktu hit so yu moutn
’
t enderstand ; hit mean s pitiful hossin Inglish
,an
’
ef I wer yu , I’d see that hi s stumack
wer spiled fur Peg’s fried chicken an’
biskit. I’
d go
rite in an’
Show him how a hossken kick an’
Si ch like.
’
he J IS’
gritted his teef, like he wer a-chempin aigshel ls,
188 BART DAVIS ’S DANCE .
an’
he stood a-tep eve the meal barril,squar in frunt
eve Hardshell, his har a-swayin about wif pure mad,
like a patch eve ripe rye in a wind,an
’ his eyes wer esreun an
’
es red as a bull ’s when hefs a-j inin in battilwi f anuther bull frum Bashan . He struck wun fistesaway ou t a-hine
,an
’
wif tu ther reachin at arm ’s laingth ,he cummenc
’
d borin,like he hed a gimbl it in his shot
fis’
, rite ender the snout eve the thunderin Hardshell,
like he wer tryin tu bore his meuf in ter a better Shape,
an’a-narratin thru hi s teef these facs
,in words what
sounded like grittin hard co’
n
Ya durn’
d infunel,incumpassabil warter-dorg !
ya cuss’
d hiperkritikal , engrateful ole mus-rat ! ya h— l l
fir’
d,divin
,splatterin , pend-makin
,iren -jacket
’
d ole
sen eve a mud-turtil, yu hes
’
sulted me in my own
heus’,an
’
in Latin et that,an
’ then yu’
ve tuck the imperden t liberty tu skare these yere children outen tharinnersent mucement
, (still berin away frum left turight
,wit that horny fis
’
eve his ’n , an ’
the Hardshel l’
s
head gwine furder back every twist ) Cal l’
d me a
Git ofen that cheer ! ’
Es he sed ‘git,
’he leaned the passun a mes
’
tremen
hoss
jus contushun , rite in the bull curl. I seed'
his shoeseles a-gwine up each side eve Bart’s fis ’ afore he hedtime tu mave hi t
,arter he struck. Hit wer a lick
,
George, that hed hit been a kick,a four year ole muel
wud hev been pew ’
ful proud eve. I seed ui on tu a
gal lon eve sparks eve fire fly outen the passun’
s eyes
BART DAvIS’S DANCE. 189
mysef (he mus hev seed’
a bushel) when hit reachedhi s curl. He let the fiddil go when he wer in the
highes part eve his backward summerset,an
’
the n iggerwhat hed been watchi n up at hit al l this time
, wis’
fu ]
like,es a dorg watches a meat-skin when yu holds hit
too high fur him to. grab,cotch hi s fiddil in bof han s
afore hit tech the yeath .
‘Dar by golly, you no git tu smash di s fiddil , wid
yu durn feel fitin an’
preachin .
’
An’
. heldin it wavinly abuv his head,he d odged
outen the surkil eve imejut danger. The old Shell liton tu his al l fours
,hit bein that much more nur a full
summerset,an
’the black silk lit a-stradil eve him. I
knew’
d hit wer the black silk,bekase I seed the white
stockins an’
grey garters. Hev I mention d that tharWer one hundred an ’ twen ty-five pouns eve live, blackeyed gal in under tha t black silk“Ne
,Sut.
”
Well,thar wer
,an
’ that she wer bef live an ’ willin,
e le Dipper wer seen ' redy tu swar. ‘Black silk in hellis thar
,
’
scream’
d she,a-bissin like on tu a eat
,an
’
cum
menced a-pullin up by the roots his long he r, lik e hi twer flax, wif bof hans, an ’
a-shakin the bunches ofenher fingers
,an
’ then gwine fur more, the bissin gittin a
l ittil louder every ‘ pull. George,that wer the fust
spessamin eve a smekin mad gal I’
ve seed in a hen ’sage She kerried out my idear eve a fust-rate flax -pul ler,pullin agin two
,fur a bet. I think She gi’n
'
the ole Shell
190 BART DAVIS’S DANCE;
the idear that surn strong man body wer a-he lden hishead n i on tu the saws eve a activ cotton gi n.
Now the boy name Obed,with the hame laigs, hevin
a sorter jestis’ eve the peace turn eve mine, run in tupull her off
,an
’oudn
’
t du hit afore she made a rake furh is har
,an
’
get hit. She j is ’ m ixed the hanful wif thepile on the flure
,an
’
gin hersef back tn the job eve pre
parin the passun fur a wig. A hawk-billed,weazel
eyed,rat-mouthed feller
,what hed been a-stru ttin reun
Black'
Silk all Bite, a-trailin wun wing
,an
’a-l ickin his
lips,seed the fee l boy name Obed
,a-tryin tu git her
tu lite ofen the e le Sock,so he j is’ grewl
’
d low,an
’
barked once,an
’kiver
’
d h im,an
’
afore his mam Peg,
an’me
,an
’
five uther gals, cud git him loose, he hedmade her cub the speckterkil yu sees roostin on thatar fen ce
,an
’
he’
s hed ui on tu three weeks tu mend hisleeks in
,by J ew David ’s plarster, sweet il e, an
’
the
keer eve hi s mam.
“The fitin now get tu be gineral on mos’ parts eve
the field, an
’
es the cuppils cum in frum outen doors,
lookin sorter sn eakin,an
’ pale, (frum the n ise eve the
rumpus,I speck
,) wun at leas ’,outen every par, get
jump’
t on by sumbody. P’
raps a gal wud kiver a
cumin in gal , an uther gal wud go fur the bar an ’
skineve a cum in in he feller ; then, agin
,the fis
’
eve a he
wud meet anu ther cumin in he,right atween the eyes
,
an’
so on till the thi n gget tu be durn ’
dably mix’
d upan
’ lively. Peg boun up the boy name Obed ’s weuns,
BART DAvrs’S DANCE . 191
bruises,an
’
petrifyin sores,an
’ then wen t on wif suppercookin
,like al l wer quiet on the Pertemack.
Es soon es ole Shell begun tu cum to,frum Bart’s
dubbil distil l’
d thunder-bolt, the burtin all over h is headbegun tu attrack hi s
’
ten shun,an
’
soaked thru his skull,
an’
in thar tuck the shape eve an idear ; the idear shapedh itsef in tu spoken wurds, an
’ they wer,
‘Gird up yerloin s an ’
git.’ I seed the wurk in eve his mind
,so I j is’
shouted es loud es I cud beller, The Pherlistshuns be
upon yu Sampsin .
’He hearn hit
,an
’
wer struck wifthe force eve the remark
,an
’ started fur the back door,still on his al l fours
,in a single feet rack. Es see n efl
Black Silk felt him movin,she cummenced spurrin h im
wif her heels ; while She hilt tu his harwifwun han , shetuck a pin outen her cellar wif tuther
,an
’
made a cushion fur hit in the hill
,on tu the north Side eve the pint
eve his back-bone ; he kicked up an’ snorted
,an
’
changed the single feet rack in tu a tarin pace,lope d
outen the deer in tu outer darkn ess,an
’ his heel-topswer the last I seed eve h im. He stumbled an
’
felldown the leg-steps
,an
’ flung Black Silk like ontu a fullbal loon over his head
, (I seed a heap eve white shin ines she wen t.) He felt hi s way in the dark
,thru the
weeds, fur more pleasan t places,an
’
she cum in larfin,
‘Black silk in hell,hey ?
’
wer every word she sed.
Go on,Sut.
”
That’s al l . I ain ’t like ole Glabbergab ; when I’sespoke off what I knows
,I sten s talkin.
"
192 BART DAvrs S DANCE.
‘Well,what became ofHardshell ?
Oh ! es tu that, he made his ’
pearance Sunday,
in the pulpit,es bald es a jug
,wif a black spot aidged
wif green an’
yal ler,’beut the size eve a prickly par, on
his forehead,an
’
preach’
t’beut the orful kenseken ses
eve Absalom ’s bevin long har,human depravity
,an
’
the
Salt Lake ; sed he wer gwine thar right off, an ’he
’
ll do
hit.”
194 TRIPETOWN—TWENTY MINUTES FOB BREAKFAST.
freat ; so eve course I wer the fust wun outen thar.Thar he wer, the everlastin ‘
perpryiter,’a -standin in
the deer, wif his paw full eve notes
,a-lick in the ball
eve his tuther thumb, like he wer hungry tu begin ,that bein the chief aind eve (the Catfishe) man
‘Twe dul lars an’
a’
alf ; y a mus’make the change
,
sed he,al l in wun breff
I thor’t I ’d see ef a ll his feel in s wer seared wif a‘
red hot iron,an
’
so I sed—lookin mity serus an ’ piusl ike
,rite squar in tu the middil eve the glass eve his
specks,what kivered a pareve es mean an
’
muny-lu vin
eyes es ever star’
d at the eagle on tu a dime ou til thatar bird shet his ’n up wif Shame
‘Yu keep a al l -fired good heus’
,Mister—good bis
kit an’ coffee tu match ; hit gin s a man a appertite tu
j is leek et yu ; hit gin s him a appertite an’
a stumick
tu leek et yur wife, an’ hit sets em bof a-rarin an
’
a -squeal in tu smell yer tabil This am a holesum place.
An’
es I hes far’d so well , about yu ,I wan ts tu tell yu
a valerabil secret ; how tu make yer coffee, good es hitis,still better
,an
’not ces
’
a cen t more.
’
‘Much ebleged, indeed,’
sez he,an
’ lookin es sweetreun the monf es ef '
he’
d been a -tastin good brandy an ’
white sugar,an
’
wer wantin eve more.
New the travelers wer cumin out,ui on tu eighty
eve em,an
’
wan tin me outen the way, so they cud payfur what nastiness an ’ pizca they ’d swal ler
’
d,an
’ gitouten the smell eve hi t es seen es pessibil. I jis
’
kep
TBIPETOWN—TWEN’I‘Y MINUTES Ton BREAKFAST. 195
on talkin ’beut my’provemen t ontu coffee till I the ’
t
mos’
eve em wer in year shot, when I rais ’d my seun ,
an’
sed
‘Ef yu wan t tu make that good coffee eve yournbetter
,j is ’ yu , instead eve makin hit al l outen ole bee t
laigs, put in about half eve a ole wool hat,chepp
’
d
fine,
finer nur yu chops yer hash say, in tu pieces a
inch squar ; hit will help the taste pew ful , an’not set
the smell back a bit,
’ I flung down my munny an’ put
fur the train. I swar,es I wen t
,I cud feel the
fold s eve them specks a-burn in in tu the back eve my
head,an
’ I smelt my har swingin . I know’
d that hewer tryin tu leek thru me
,an
’the peepil , men an
’
wimmen,wer screamin a-larfin et sumthin . Tu help
his mad to a head,wun feller hed set down on tu the
step,wi f a segar clamp
’
t atween h is knees,a biskit in tu
each han,whetin away
,tryin tu stri ke fire outen them
ontu hit. Anuther hed fired wun eve the biggest anhardes’-biskit at the smoke-heus’
,an
’ hit went thru thewether boardin like a grape shet. Anu ther perlite
,
bowin,smil in feller cum out wif the drum-stick aind
eve the hine laig eve a ole gander ’twixt his finger an ’
thumb,an
’narrated hit that hit wer ole Powhattan ’s
war club,an
’
he wer gwine tu start h issef a museum ;
while out in the yard,lay a long feller flat on tu hi s
belly,wif his laigs wide apart
,an
’ his paws lockedreun a par
-biled beef rib,an
’
he wer guawin at tu ther
aind eve hit fast in wun side eve his monf,an
’ then
196 TRIPETOWN—TWENTYMINUTES FOR BREAKFAST.
tuther, growl in like a dorg
,an
’
a-eyein sidewise'
the
pieter set in the door-frame al l the while. A longnecked passenger
,tep
’
d eff wif a seal-skin cap, cum
ru shin out in a shangh i trot, wif a stripe eve tuff tripees long es a sirsingle. He hed hit by the middil in
’
h is
monf,an
’
wer a-slashin an’
a-slapin the aind agin everybody what he pass
’
d by,vigrusly shakin h is head, j is
’
like a dorg dus when he’
s a-killin snakes,ur a sew
playin wif rags afore a storm. All these shines didn ’tstop the larfin a bit
,of I noticed right.
“Well,
i
when I ’d get off about thu ty yards, I ven
ter’
d tu look back. Thar he stood,the mos
’
orfu l picter eve enregenerated rath, mortal man ever Seed. He
looked like he ’
d weigh five hundred pounds ; he werswel l
’
d al l over,u i on tu bustin
,an
’
the deer wer chockfull eve h im,
al l in a strut. His arms stuck ou t like a
settin hen ’s wings,his hat cocked before
,his feet wide
apart,an
’he wer a -lookin at me sure enuf. Them
specks blazim like two red lamps,his lips a-flutterin es
he blew’d out the hot bretf an ’
foam eve his enbearabilpen t up rath
,what my onekeled an
’
en -hearn eve im
perdence tu him,the perprgiter hed set a-bilin in his
in’ards
,outil he wer u i on tu burn t ou t, thru tn the bar,
an’waisceat. The smoke eve his tormen t wer a-cumin
out in whiffs frum his breeches pockets, an’ button
holes.“My lookin back tech the trigger ; an idear
,an'
speech new cum tu h im fur the fus t time, an ’
he ex
HENBAILY’S REFORMATION.
!This truthful narrative is particularly recommended to the careful
con sideration of th e Rev. Mr. Stiggins , and hi s di sciples, of th e BrickLan e Pran ch of th e Grand J unction Eben ezer Temperance Association . This mode of treatmen t can
‘
be ful ly relied upon ]
W E were resting by a fine cool spring,at noon
,with
an invitingly clean gourd hanging on a bush over thethe water. Sut
,as usual
,was at ful l length on the
grass,in ten tly looking at the gourd.
“Say fellers, that ar leng-handil’
d gourd thar,meut
cum the temprince dodge ever sum eve yu . fellersafore yu wer quite ready fur the oaf I looks on em
al l es dangrus , an’ that’s a men s’a s ’spishus lookin wu n ,
hit hes sich a duru ’d long handil. Allers ’zamin the
in side eve a gourd-handil wif a sharp pinted swich,afore yu drinks ; hits a holesum foresight. Hen Baily—d id eny eve yu know Hen —he wer a peach wif a
wurm intu hit,enyhew
—a durn’
d no -coun t, good, easy“
geed-fur-nuthin vagerbon e, big es a hoss,an
’ lazy es a
shingle-maker,but a pew ’
ful b’
lever,not a sarcumsised
b’
lever,but a l ie b’
lever eve the straites seek,swal lered
everything he hearn , an’
mes’everything he seed.
HEN BAILY’
S REEORMATION. 199
That ar swal lerin gif eve hi s’
n cum wifin a eighth eve 3 .
inch, on st, eve sendi n him tu kingdum cum,an
’ did sendhim head fust intu a life-everlastin temprince s
’
ciety.
I ’d a-liked pew’
ful well fur tu hearn him gin in his’Sperin ce, even ef he tele one half He lev
’
d bileddrinks orful
,n ever wer a hour ’
s walk frum a stil l-heus’
ar a doggery since he tuck tu warin breeches.“Well
, yu see the ele man Rogers up on Les’ “Creek
wer a-
paintin his heus’
a-new,an
’
Hen wer suckilatin
reun thar,j is’ prospectin fur sperits, an
’ seed a bottil
wif clar truck in hit what he tuck tu be new sperrits ,
so when the pain ter’s back wer turned, he J i s’
ru n hitsnaik down his freat. He fetch hit out wif a enderhandid jerk
,flung hit ahine h im an
’ put,sputterin an
’
yerkin,fur the spring
,a-swabbin out his monf wif his
ole wool hat rolled up. New,boys
,hit wer sperrits,
but orful tu thi nk eve,hit wer sperrits eve tupentine,
fresh frum the resinny part eve Neth Caliney.
“Me an’
a few uther durn ’
d feels wer at the spri ng,
sorter es we is n ew,a-mixin a few draps eve hit wif
sum limber laig-whisky
,an
’
gabblin , when we seedhim a-cumin j is ’ a-flutterin. Es he ru n a-
pas’
the washplace
,he flung the hat swab away, an
’ snatched thewash gourd
,so es tu save time. The durn
’
d lazy cusswer in a rale tarin hurry ; fas t time I ever seed h im run
ur cum n i runnin in al l my bern’d days. His meuf
wer es red es a split beef; an ’
the light big bubbil kineeve slobber wer a-fiyi n like snow frum a-runnin hosses
200 HEN BAILY’S REEORMATION.
heels. Thi nks I,sody, by the great golly ! eh , yu darn
fool, _sum gal ’s cum th e luv-powder game over yu pur
feckly. He wer trubbil’
d in mine, fur at the landinpart eve every jump
,he
’
d say, in souns like he hed a
gob eve scaldin mush stuck tn the ruff eve his meuf;
the words ‘Hell-fire.’ nuffin else ; them wer pew ’
fulsu itabil words tu his case. I didn ’t think he wer so
good at pickin out talk ; they ’
Splained his ailmint better nur a doctor end He soused the ole soap subsgourd intu the spring
,an
’ then filled his monf evermos
’ half eve the aidge, qui cker nor flea ketch in . ES
he turn’d hit up
,I seed a stripid eight in ch lizard cum
tarin outen the handil,whar he’d been hid es he thought.
He set his fore paws ontu the aidge eve the gourd an ’
peeped ever. Seciu us, gin h im a turn in skeer
,an
’
he
j is ’ darted dewn Hen ’s freat. I seed hi s tail fly up aginHen ’s snout
,es he started down hill. The rep
-tile tuckhis meuf tu be a preverden shul hole in the greun , an
’ Idusu’t wunder
,fur hit wud a-feel ’d a kingfisher eny
time. He drap’
t the empty gourd,an holdin h is belly
i n'his leck ’t han s
,sed
‘Warter makes hit wus,boys. ’
Sez I,
‘Hen,hits the lizard. ’
He wal l’
d reun his sweaty stuck out eyes at me,an
’
sez he
‘What lizard ?’
Why that big,striped he lizard what yu let rum
dewn yer freat j is’new
,outen the gourd-handil. I
202 HEN BAILY’S REEORMATION
back’
ards twice,ferids onst
,then sidewise
,new a full
turn an’
a’
alf that wud fetch him on tu his head, new a
’
alf turn,an
’ that wud lan ’him on tu his sturn . Durna
tien,hew he
’
d spatter warter when he made the threequarter turn s
,then clean ever entu his feet he’d cum
,
j is ’ tu yell an ’ fling sum more. I coun ted till hit gettu thuty-one
,an
’
get outen heart, an’ quit : a suckis
agen t wud a-
gin him big wages .
j is’ then,but hed been
the wust feel ’d man ever bern ’d,onl ess he men t tu dose
Hen wif tupen tine an’ lizards
,an
’ I doubts hits movinhim a secon time. Duru ’d ef h is kerryins on didn ’tmine me eve my sody misery in a minuit ; hit struckme so pew ’
ful that I hed a vilent sarchin blew eve
belly-ache rite thar. Sez I
That’s hit Hen,j is ’ yu keep on
,an
’
yu’
l l seenmake that ar lizard b’leve he’s tuck up lodgins in the
cylinder eve a four hoss thrashin -mersheen,an
’ thatharves time am cum. He
’
s boun tu vacate yu ; J IS’
ras ‘
til en,hoss ; that ’s hit ; no mortal lizard kin stan that
sort eve churnin amung sich a mixin es yu gin erly
totes in tu yer paun ch.
’
‘Oh,lordy
,Sut
,yu ’se right
,fur I raley du b ’leve
he’
s cu ttin his way out new. Can ’t yu , (an’
ever he’d
go agin) da sumthi n (ever on st more.)‘Yu dam feel
,
’
sez I,
‘ I don ’
t knOW ' but ef yumeans tu keep on at that rate
,I wud su ij i s
’ that yuswall er a few eve these yere reun rocks
,
’beut es big esgeese aigs. an
’dam ef he ain
’t a greun up rep-tile
HEN BAILY’S REFORMATION. 203
sooner nor ef he wer in a hungry geese’s gizzard. He
made a moshun ur two like he wer grabbin fur rockses he lit
,but j is
’ then he changed his min e,an
’
set in '
tu runn in reun the spring-hou s ’,a-leanin te
’
ards hit an ’
j is’ a-missin the corners. He wen t so fas’ he looked likethree ur four fellers arter each uther
, groanin , hol lerin ,
an’remarkin ‘Hell-fire
,
’
al l reun thar. He’
s a pew’
fulactiv inj urin man
,when ender stimul uses
,that’s a fab’
.
I tuck a stan ni on tu wun corner,an
’
es he cum reun,I cummenced in time
,an
’. sed
‘Hen,did yer take yer sody seperit
Nex time he cum,sez he
,
‘Sedy seperit—h—l an’
nex reun sez he,
‘Aka-fortis,
’
an’
the nex arter that headdid the words ‘Feurth -proof at that. ’ He wer gwineso fas
’ that his talkin seemed en in terrupted. The las’
time he cum reun,he hollered in dispar, ‘I haint
a -
gain in on hit a dam bit,
’an ’ tuck hissef up a red elm.
He wen t up by fas’ jerks, J i s’
adzackly like a cat climbsa appil tree frum a clest cumin dorg. He looked hisfeetsis reun the lowis lim ’s
,an
’ hung hed down,swingin
about,an
’
smackin his han s like he wer n i the shou tin
pint eve happiness at a ravin camp meetin. Sez I
Tha t won’
t.du that’s a wu s idear nur sirck l in the
spring-heus’ wer,an don
’
t cumpar wif yer suckis sperimin t
,fur the lizard went pow
’
ful ly down hi ll a-gwine
in tu that sloppy hole he’
s intu now,an
’
he’
s too smart
tu start down hill eny more fur fear hit’ll git wus ; hewon
’
t cum,Hen.
’
204 HEN BAILY’S REFORMATION.
He an swered me mens’
eus cross an ’ spiteful‘Let him go up hil l then . dam
’im ; so he keeps
gwine’
s al l I ax.
’
The lizard wer a-tarin reun right peart,I speck
,
wadin an’
swimin as he wer in a dark pen’
eve Whisky,
an’
tupen tine, thickened wif a breakfus’
eve blackberriesan
’
mush,stirred in tu a purfeck hurrycane by Hen
’skerryin s on. Hit warn ’t j is’ adzackly the right placefur even a varmin t tu go tu sleep in , enyhow.
“Hen seen foun that hit wud n ither go up hi ll nurdown hill
,but kep a -tarin Toun et randum wif hits long
tee-n ails,so he los
’
al l hope, let feet helts loose, an’ sunk
his n ose up tu h is years in the branch bank mud,an
’
by golly,lay still. I begun tu think the Show wer
about tu close,an
’ I hed rights tu think so ; thu ty-on e
couhted summersets,an
’ lets eve enceun ted ones,aver:
idgin a full turn each,a mile an
’
a quarter reun a
Spring-heus ’,an
’
n ine hundred yards in rollin,not
ceuntin the small moshun s,in
’beut five minutes wern i entu enuf tu fetch enyman body tu l ie still—an
’ thenthe lizard an
’ turpen tine— hit wer a job eve n'
o com
mon kin e,an
’
speshu l ly fur Hen hit wer mes’ wunder
ful . Thinks I, ole feller, yu’
re gwine tu make a die
eve hit, an ’
sez I
‘Hen,ole feller
,while yu ’se a-restin thar
, J IS’
feeln i yer treuSis an
’ git me that half duller yu borrowedfrum me las
’
Ohrismu s ; feel easy fur h it an’ don ’
t
Skeer yer lizard.
’
206 HEN BAILY’S REFORMATION.
vilent cork-screw cholick,one eve the cholery per
swashun ; he J i s’tast
’
d y er buttermilk in thar, an ’
by
granny, hits dun kil l’d
’im
,that’s al l
,Missis Rogers. ’
Yu see she wer noted fur feedi n the work-han s on buttermilk so sour that hit wud eat hits way outen a
yeathen crock in wun n ite. Sez she,wif her han s en
tu her hips,an
’ standin wide an’ strait up
,
‘Yu’re a liar,
Mister Lovingood I hes allers netis’
d nobody evercalls me Mister Lovingood
, (ef they knows me,) on less
they’s mad at me.
‘ Very well,
’
sez I,
‘we am gwine
tu strip him now,an
’
yu kin see fur yersef hits et hitsway outen h im by this time ; j is
’ stay an’ ’
zami’
n
'
his
belly. I ’ll bet yu my shut agin that ar momexed upreas
’
in bar, that hi ts chawed in tu dish rags,frum his
waisbun clean down tu She flung down the reas’
in
ear,an
’ put fur the hous ’,a-totin her frock-tail high
hilt up wif bef her han s,wifou t waitin fur me to. add
‘his fork .
’ I wer gittin sorter skeer’d, an ’
sorry bef, fur
Hen,the ornary devil
,an
’
wer a-lookin at the greun
studyin ef hit warn ’t bes’ tu knock him on the headwif a rock
,an
’ put him outen his misery,when I seed
the break an’ bulge eve a mole a-
plewin. A idear,the
bes’ idear I ever ewn ’
d,struck plum thru my head, an
’
I dug out the mole. Sez I
‘Beys,listen tu me : that ar feller’s mon s
’u s n i ded
desprit cases wants desprit docterin ; let’s tie his galluses reun his waisbun tight
,an
’ start this yere bline,
fury scrambl in l ittil cuss up his breeches laig. When he
HEN BAILY’S REFORMATION. 207
feels the scrambl in sensash un on the outside,he ’ll think
the lizard hes get out Sumwhar,an
’the idear will
make him feel good, enyhow,live ur ded ; thar’s no
harm in a mole,n ohow ; les ’ try hi t.
’
“W e turn ed Hen entu his stemick an’made the
top eve his britches mole tight,an
’ I set the mole
a-straddil eve his heel-string, an ’sunk my thumb-nail
in tu hits tail. Away hit went up his bar laig pew’
fulfas
’
,rootin like a hog ; he wan ted tu go tu his trade eve
diggim agi n, yu know,
an’
wer sarchin fur a saft place.
He warn ’t outen site very long, when Hen sorter startedferrid on his stemick ; that wer the fust Sign eve lifehe
’
d shew’
d since he buried h is nose in the blue mud.
Sez I,wif a heap eve hope, ‘Beys
,things am workin ; e-f
he wudn’
t netis speerits , he’
s a -notisin that ar mele.
’
He hed a par eve foot-holts agin a root,an
’
he shot
hissef forrid ten feet intu the bran ch at on e lunge wifou t risin four inches frum the groun . I tho ’t I hearn‘Hell-fire
,
’agin in a sorter sick whisper. He ris tu his
al l fours, an’shook the warter outen his years pearingly
as strong es ever,an
’ tuck down the branch in a ralefas
’ cavalry lope. He made the mud an’ warter fly
,
’speshu l ly when he
’d kick
,an
’ that wer every two ur
three jumps. He used hi s hine laigs J IS ’ like a hossa-fightin , an
’as he
’
d fling up hi s shoes he’d mensh un
the kine eve fire I’
se been tellin yu about,an
’he
’
d
wall a mou s’
us sarchin oneasy eye over his shoul derevery time he
’d kick Sez I, ‘Beys
,the Show ain ’
t
208 HEN BAILY’S REFORMATION.
over yet ; les’
see the aind,an
’ git the wuf eve em
munny.
‘
One ur two eve the crowd dodged in tu thebushes sorter des ’arted ; they wer fear
’
d tu see eny more.
The res’
eve us fel ler’d Hen . Wh en he ’
d cum tu a
deep hole,he
’
d squat intu hit up tu his years,a-serter
workin h issef reun like a hen a-fixin her nestes, grun tin
orful, an’
a-ca ssin everybody,an
’
everything in a lumpthen he
’
d rar ferrid entu his al l fours agin,an
’ j istravi l . I can ’t fur the life eve me think what kep h imdown tu his al l fours. Ef hit hed been my cas e, yu
’d aseed sum eve the durn
’
des straites up an’
dewn ruma inever d id by eny livin mortal. P
’
raps the kerryin s on in
his in ’
ards warn ’t es sarchin in that position . At las ’ hegal lep
’
d out on tu a san bank,an
’
sunk spread out,wif
his head in a short twis’
,n i clean gene.
Sez I,
‘Boys,the durn
’
d fool hes drewndid my
mole atwixt his breeches an ’ his hide,a-squattin in them
holes,an
’ I hes no hopes eve h im now ; les’ kill ’
im.
Jis’ then I seed him yerk,sorter vomitin ‘
way, so Istraddiled him
,an
’ cotch him by the har,an
’
pu l l’
d uphis head tu straiten his swal ler, when imejun tly yerecum the lizard tarin outen his monf
,the wust skeer’d
varmin t I ever seed in al l my bern’d days. His eyes
wer es big es fox grapes,an
’mes
’
al l eve em outsideeve his head, an ’
dam ef he didn ’t hev enuf tu Skeer alien
,fur the mole hed ’
im fas’ by the tail
,an
’
wer men .
din his helt,an
’ that ar interprisin l ittil yeath-borer
hadn ’t a durn ’
d mossel eve fur left en tu his hide ; hi t
FRUSTRATING AFUNERAL .
HIT mus’
be a sorter vexin kin e eve thing tu beburied alive
,tu the feller what am i n the box
,don ’t
yu think hit am,George
“Yes,horrible
,Sut : what set you thinking about
such a subject,with as much whisky as you have access
to ?
Oh,durn hit
,I thinks at randum
, j i s’
es I talk an’
du s. I can ’t help hi t,I’
se get no steerin ear tu mybrain s. ’
Sides that I thinks they’
se loose’beut the
middil .
How do you mean ?
Well,I thinks peepil
’
s brain s what hev soul s,am
like entu a chain made outen gristil , forkid at wun
aind ; wun fork goes tn the eyes, an’
tuther tn the years,
an’
tuther aind am welded tn the marrer in the backbone
,an
’ hit works sorter so. Thar stan s a hoss.Well
,the eyes ketches his shape
,j is ’ a shape
,an
’ ginsthat idear tn the fas t link eve the chain. He n ickers
,
an’
the years gins that tu tuther fork eve the chain , asoun
,nuffin but a soun . Well
,the two ruff idears
start along the chain,an
’
every link is smarter nurthe
FRUSTRATING A FUNERAL. 211
wun ahi ne hi t,an
’dergests em sorter like a paunch
dus co’
n,ur mash ’d feed
,an
’ by the time they gits tnthe back-bon e
,hit am a hoss an ’
yu knows hi t. New
in my case, thar’s a hook in the chain
,an
’ hits mes
eve the time enhoek’
d,an
’ then my idears stop tharhalfmade. Rite thar’s whar dad failed in his ’sperimen t ; puttin in that durn
’d fee l hoek ’
s what made me
a natral born feel. The breedwerbad too,on dad’s side
they al l ru n tu duru’d feel an ’laigs powerful strong.
”
“But what about burying alive,Sut?
”
Oh, yas ; I wer a-thinkin eve a case what happen ’d
on Hiwassee,what like tu started a new breed eve
duru’d fools,an
’ did Skare plum away a hole n eighborhood ove ole breed.
“Ole Hun icutt hed a n iggar name Cesar,they cal l
’
d
’
im Seize fur sh ort,an
’
he get sock full eve Wright ’skill-devil whisky
,an
’ tuck a n eshun he’
d spite ole
Hunicutt by dyin , an’ durned of he didn ’t du hit. His
marster got a coffin wif a hinge in the led acrost the
breas ’,fur tu th er n iggers tu take farwell eve Seize
thru,an
’
see th e orfu l cen sekenses eve dri nkin ki lldevil by the gallun ; at the same time. He men t tugin em a temprance lecter when they went tu start tnthe bone-yard
,but durn me ef he staid thar hissef till
funeral time. The n iggers get Seize set in the box
mity n ice,an
’th e led on. He wer in a empty room
,
’sceptin a bed in wun aind eve a dubbil leg n iggercabin
,an
’
the n iggers what set up wif the corpse did
212 FRUSTRATING A FUNERAL.
hit in the tu ther room. Tharwer lots eve em an” singin
an’
groan in wer plenty. W ay in the night a n iggername Majer ’
cum tu help du the sittin up,an
’
he wer
drunk plum thru an’ thru ; so they fe tch ’
im intu wharSeize wer
,an
’ laid him in the bed,whar he soon fell
tu snorin,an
’
dreamin eve snakes,sky blue lizards
,an
’
red hot reptiles.Now
,a yung doctor what hed help
’
d Seize everthe fence
,twixt this an
’
kingdum cum1wan ted his
cackus tu chop up,an
’ bile,so he gitsme tu git hit fur
’im arter hit wer ender
~
the groun,an
’ I findin out howthe land lay by slungin reun , fixed up a short-cut tugit hit wifout diggim. I slip ’t intu the room twixtmidni te an
’
day, an’foun Maje sorter grumbl in in his
Sleep,so I shuck him awake enuf tu smell whisky, an
’
hi lt a tin cupful eve heart-burn,till the las
’ duru ’
d
drap run down his freat,an
’
he set intu sleepin aginan
’ then I swap’
t n iggers.
Arter I get Maje intu the coffin , an hed cut sumair-holes
,I set in an
’ painted red an’ whi te Stripes
,
time about,runnin out frum his eyes like on tu the
spokes eve a wheel,an
’ cress-bar’d his upper lip wifwhite
,outil hi t looked like boars ’ tushes
,an
’ I fastened a cuppil eve yearl in
’
s he ’
n s ontu his head,an
’
platted a ded black-snake reun the roots eve em,an
’
durn my laigs ef I didn ’t cum n i ontu takin a
runnin skeer mysef, fur he‘
wer a purfeck degratype
eve the devil, tuck while he wer smokin mad’beut
FBUS'I’RATING A TURNRAL.
seed Seize in the corner. Jis’ then I moaned out in a
erfol doleful vise,
‘fIiperhrit, cum tu hell, I hes a cla im
on tu ya far holdin the bag whi le Seize stole co’
n .
’
(I seedem a-dein that job not long afore.) He j is’ rar’d backwards
,an
’fell outen the door wif his hans locked
,an
’
sed he in a weak,fever-ager sort eve vise
,
‘Please mar
ster,
’an
’
j i s’fain ted
,he soon cum to a-runn in
,fur I
hearn the ce’
n crashin thru the big field like a in -ginewer runnin express tln'u hit. I hain t seed ‘Simen
,
’ tu
New,ole Huni cutt
-”
hed been pew’ful ly agrawated
’beut the ce ’
n stealin business gwine en ; in fact he fellfrum grace about hit bad. So whenever he hearn eny
seun outen doors eve a spishus kine, up he’
d jumpwif a shet-gun , an
’ take a scout reun the barn an’
ce’
n -crib.
“Well,es seen es Simon cummenced runni n wif the
feebil hope eve beatin the devil, I sheulder’d Seize, an ’
toted him out tn the crib, an ’
set him up agi n the door,
as hi t wer thar the doctor wer tu fine h im,
’cerdin tu’
greemin t. Yu see I wan ted tu break him frum suckin
aigs. I thet when he tuck a good’zamine eve Seize,
an’ his pitch-fork
,an
’ bul l-frog,an
’fire-bugs’ tails
,hit
wud take away his appertite fur grave-yards an’ bil ’d
bones,till he got ole enuf tu practize wi fout sich dirty
deins, an ’
meu t even make him j ine meetins. I cudn ’
t
tell how much good hit mout du the onb’
lever. I ’dscarcely got Seize balanced so he
’
d stan good, when I
mus'mu mo A FUNERAL. 215
hearn ole Hunicutt cummin ; I hearn his gun cock, so I
j is’
betuck mysef onder the co’
n -crib,wifmy head clost
tu Seize’s laigs, an ’ hid ahi ne his wi ndin -sheet,onhe
nowen st tu him,an
’
his durn’
d ole shot-gun too. The
ole thief-hun ter sneak ’
d'mons’
ou s kerful roun the corn erin h is shutail—c um wifin three feet owe the dead nigger, an
’
then seed h im.
In the same doleful soums I used on tu Simon,I sed
‘Hunicutt,yu ’se fell frum grace ; I ’ll take yu down
home new,leas ’ yu mout git good an
’dv
'
e afore yu fell
agin .
helpin the devil tu wun orful sinner,onexpected rite
Durn my picter ef I didn t cum mons’
ous ni
that,in yearnist.
“He drap’
t in a pile like on tu a wet bed quilt ; as hestruck
,he sed
,
‘ I haint fell frum gr Rite then an’
thar,I reached out an
’ grabbed hi s shut,a savin holt
wif bof han s,sot my cold sandy foot agin his bare
back,an
’ leaned intu pul lin pow’
ful strong. Sez I,Yes yu am fell frum grace
,don ’t yu l ie tu me ; du yu
know Missis Loftin ? 0am wlf me.
’ When I men
shun’
d Missis Loftin,he fotch a marster lunge. I hearn
his collar-button s snap,an
’
he wen t outen that shut likea dorg outen a badger-barril
,an
’he run
, yas, by the greatgolly ! he flew. I trumpeted arter him
,
‘Stop ; I meanstu take Missis Loftin waf yu.
’He wer. a-runn in squar
an’
low till he hearn that,an
’ durn dad,ef he didn ’t
rise now six foot in the air every lunge, an’
he'
d maketwo ur three rumin moshun s afore he
’
d l ite. I sen t
216 FRUSTRATING A FUNERAL.
W hat wer in bof barrils ove his shot-gun arter him,bu t
the shot never cotch up. I got a shot-gun and a shutfur mysef
I know’d the pill-roller wudn ’
t ven ter clost nowarter al l the fuss
,an
’ shootin,he
’
d lose hi s mess ove
bil ’d bones fus ’. So I shouldered Seize,an
’ put overthe hi ll tu his shop
,takin a circumbendibus roun
,so
es not tu cum up wif him on the path. He warn ’t in,
he sure enuf hed started,but the shot-gun hed made
him hide h issef fus’,an
’
arterwards go home.
“I ainded Seize up in his bed,back agin the wall
,
an’facin the door. Torrectly I hearn his tin pill-boxes,
his squ’
t an’h is pul l ican s rattlin in his pockets he wer
a-cumin . I j is’ slid onder the bed,an’ stuck my head
up atween hi t an’the wall
,an
’
ahin e Seize. He step ’tintu the dark room
,an
’ by the help ove the fire-bugplaster he seed a heap
,in fact more nur wer cumfor
tabil by about sixty-two an’a
’alf cen ts. Thar wer a
l uminated snake a-wav m‘ roun
,thar wer the
’
sh iny frogmovin his laigs an
’
paws like he wer a-swimmi n,then
he’
d gester wif his arms like he wer makin a stumpspeech ; thar wer the pitch-fork wif hits hot prongs
,
(the doctor hearn them seiz,) an’
more nur al l thar werthe orful corpse, wif hits face an
’har al l a-fire. Too
much hell-sign on that bed even fur a bon e-biler’
s
narves. He 3 1s’ stop ’t short
,froze tn the heart. I felt
his shiverin cum tu me in the floor-planks.“I tuck the same ole vise what hed sich a muvin
218 FRUSTRATING A FUNERAL.
Why,orfu l ly ; they don
’
t pass a ll they chaws. Yu
sumtimes sees sign ove hi t on the miller an ’ his hogs ;they looks like they hes the dropsy.
“Now durn j is’ sich luck ; yere I W er wif Seize ’scopse on han
,an
’
hit n i on tu daylite, no box ,no spade
,
no hole,an
’ wus nur al l,no whisky. Durn fools don ’t
allers hev sich luck es this wer ; ef they did, how wudpeopil ever git rich
,ur tu Congr iss. I made the bes ’
I cud outen a bad fix. I J is’ toted the ole skare out in tu
the woods,an
’ hid him onder a log, an’ wen t over tu
Hun icutt’
s agin . I wer boun tu go, fur my whi skywer hid thar.
“The niggers wer al l in a huddle in the kitchin,an
’
the white folks al l a-cryin ,an
’
a -snuffiin. Missis Hun icutt wer ou t
,a top the bars
,a-callin ove h im .
‘Oh,
Huni cuttee,
’ like callin cows,an
’
he warn ’t an swerin .
In fac’everybody wer skar’d durn u i outen thar wits
I tole em the.
bes’ thing they end du
,wer tu git the
dirt a-top ove that n igger Seize es quick es spades an’
hoes cud da hit ; that I know’
d sumfin wer wrongwif Seize ; mu st hev been a orfu l hiperkrit afore he
died. Passun Simon hed been spirited offWif a burni nsasser ove fat in his han ; Maje
,
warn ’t in the bed,an
wer too drunk tu git away hissef, an’
es I cum yere J i s’
afore day, I met Mr. Hun icutt way up in the air,ridin
a-straddil ove a burnin ladder wif Missis Loftin ahinehim
,her petticoatail a
-blazim,an
’
she a-singin,
‘Farwellvain worl, I’se gwine home.
’
FRUSTRATING A FUNERAL. 219
“Hunicutt’
s ole cook rolled up her eyes an’
sed,
smack in her han s ; ‘Dar,dats hit
,I’
se know dis treemunf Missis Loftin fotch de debil heah afore she dungoramity bress de worl, she dun du hit now ! ’
Missis Hunicutt look’
t at me keenly,an
’
axed me ef
I wer shure hit wer Missis Loftin I seed on the ladder.
I tole her ‘Yas ; I ’d swar hit ; I know’
d her kalliker.
’
Sez she : ‘Now I kin bar my brevemen t.’ An
’
she
sot intu com in her har.
Well, the n iggers geard a par ove hosses tu a wag
gin , an’ put the coffin in wifout scarcely sayin a word
,
ur even venterin tu ta ke a farwell look ove the corpse ;they wanted hit away frum thar
,sure es yu are born .
Jis ’ s ’pose they hed open’
d that led an’ seed Maje
dressed up es he wer. Oh,lordy ! enuf n iggers wud
hev j is’ turned in side out,an
’
then mortified,tu ma
nured a forty-acre saige-field.
Suckey—that’s Seize’s wife— sot on the head ove
the coffin,an the balance ove hit wer soon kivered wif
she ~
n iggers* they j is’ swarmed on tu the waggin, an
’all
roun hit,an started. When they got in tu the aidge ove
town,ni on tu Wright’s doggery
,maje begun tu wake
frum the joltin , an’ sot in tu butt in the led wif his hed
,
his ho ’
ns a-rattlin agin hit. Sackey felt sumthin onderher she didn ’t like. Butt ratti l cum u p Maje ’s headan
’ ho ’
ns harder nur before. Her eyes swelled tn the
size an’ looks ove hard-biled aigs, an
’she ris hersef
ofen the coffin a littil wif her hans. ‘Butt, Whosb 1’ sed
Maje,an
’the coffin -led cum up tu Suckey
’
s starn likethi hed been a loadston e spat.
‘Pete, yu Pete
, j is’
wo dem hosses,rite heah
,an
’
Iefi’
me off ob dis wagun .-Maje gin anuther suv igrus
butt,an
’
sed,a-obokin like
,
‘Dis am the debil Suckey
lit in the road.
‘I’
se gwi ne tu my missus, I is,’
sed
Suckey, an’ back she put
,shakin her petticoats
,an
’
pullin em roun so she cud see the hineparts whar theled hed actid loadstone.
‘De debil hesef in dat boxwif Seize
,shuah
,fur he say so. I tole yu di s Seize, I
hes more time n or I heshar ; now yu’s gone an’
dun
hi t, yu hes,’an
’
she struck a cow gallop fur home.
Butt,cum Maje’s head agi n
,an
’ thar bein no
Suckey wif her hundred an’ fifty poun ove soap grease
tu hole hit down,over cum the led slap. Maje rared
up on aind. ‘W hosh ! dis am de debil he sed. Thuty
screams mixed in one,clatterin ove shoes
,an
’
scrach in
ove toe-nails,an
’ thar warn ’t a n igger lef in si te afore a
stutterin man cud wh istil .“Now Maje know’
d nufiin about how he look ’
t,but
he seed the cuffin,an
’
the waggin . Sez he : ‘Well,by
golly ! di s am a go ; gwin e tu burry dis chile, an’
n eherax
’im. Whar de mourners ? Wh ar de passun ? an
’
whar de corpsis ? dats what I wan ts tu know. Sum
fin wrong beah,’ an
’
he bit his arm savidge es a dorg.
‘Outch ! I isn ’t ded,an
’
I’
se a-cummin outen beah. Dus
yu hear my h’
on ? I is dat Datdurn’saitful preach in
Simon dun dis ; he wan t Sally ; I kill em bof, de cofii n
222 FRusTRATINe A FUNERAL.
He wer the first man I ever seed run fi'um a feller
when he wan ted tu pay a debt. Durn ole Hark,ef he
warn ’t J i s’
openi n a waggin road thru the pine thicket,thuty mile tu the hour. Yu cud see the l imbs an ’
l ittil
rocks a-flyin abuv the trees es he wen t,an
’
he soundedlike a hurrycane, an
’
wer a-movin as fast.“When I spoke them words
,the limbs an
’littil
rocks farly darken ed the air,an
’
the soun got louderef hit wer a heap furder off. He wer es yearnist a
man es ever run . I think he did the mos’
onresistabil
runnin I ever seed. Nuffin wer in his way ; he j is’
mow ’d hi t al l down es he fled frum es jest a ritribu shun
as ever fol lered eny durn’
d raskil since ole Shockly
chased Passun Bumpas wif a shot-gun ritribushun,fur
onsantifyin his wife.
“Did Shockly catch Bumpas, SutI dunn o ; He mus
’
a-ru n’im pow
’
ful clost,fur he
fotch back his hoss, hat, an ’hyme book
,an
’
bof caps onhis g un wer bu sted, an
’n obody name Bumpas hes been
seed ’bout thar since,
’sceptin sum littil flax -headed
fellers scattered thru the sarkit, wif no daddys,an
’
not
much mammys tu speak ove. Ef I’d a-seed the deviles plain es Wright did, the day they tried tu burySeize
,an
’didn ’t
,I ’d a-ax
’
d him ; he knows whetherShockly cotch Bumpas, ur not.
“Well,Maje cum blowin mad in tu the doggery
,an
seein n obody,he j is ’ grabbed a bottil , an ’ tuck hissef a
backload ove popsku l l , an’ sl ip ’t the bottil. intu his
FRUSTRATING A FUNERAL . 223
pocket. Es he raised his orful head frum dui n this,he
seed his sef fur the fust time in a big lookin -glass. He
took hit tu be a winder,an
’ tho ’t what he seed wer intu ther room,
a-watch in him.
‘Yu—yu j is’
lef me lone ;I’
se not yourn ; I b’ longs ta meelin ;’
sed Maje,as he back
’
d
hissef to’
ards the door. As he back ’
d,so did the tary
fyin picter. Maje seed that. Gwine tu take a runn in
butt,is yu ,
’
sed Maj e, as he fell a back summerset intuthe street ; as he lit, I groaned out at h im :
‘Major,my
son,I’se cum fur the toll outen ole Hun icutt
’
s co’
n’
‘Simon dun got dat toll,’ sed Maj e, sorter sham ’
d lik e.
“He riz,showin a far sampil ove skared n igger run
n in.
‘Ho ’
n s an ’
buttin go tugether, an’
dat am de
debil in dar,
’
sed Maje tu hissef. I hol ler’d ‘LeaveWright’s bottil ; yu don
’t wan t hi t,I
’
ll gin ya hotter
truck n ur hit is ; I’
se farly arter yu now.
’ I seed thebottil fly over Maje
’
s shou lder,an
’ lite in the san. I gothit I did
He made down street fur the river,an
’
clear’d the
road ove every livin thing. W imen wen t head-fustin tu the hou ses
,doors slam
’
d,sash fell
,cats ’ tail s
swel l’
d es they treed onder stabils,Maje j i s ’ a-tarin
along,his ho ’
ny .head ‘
throw’
d back,an
’ his elbowsa-workin like a par ove skeer
’
d saw-mills runnin empty.
I seed him fling sumthin over his head. I tho ’t hitwer anuther bottil
,an
’ went fur hit,but hi t wer nuflin
but a greasy testemint“Ole Dozier, the sheriff, what hed hung a n igger
224 FRUSTRATING A FUNERAL
name Pomp,
’bout ten days afore, cum outen a crossstreet
,j is ’ ahead ove Maje, a-totin his big belly
,a han
fu l ove papers,an
’
a quill in his mouf,in a deep,study.
He hearn the soun ove Maje ’s buffs, an ’
look’
d roun.
As he did,I shouted
,
‘Run,sheriff
,that’s Pomp
,an
’
yere ’ s hi s cofl‘in,
’
a -pin tin tu hit.“George
,my
’
sperience is that sherifls, an’ lor oflicers
giner’
l ly, onderstands the bisness ove runmin betternur mos
’
folks,enyhow,
an’ durn my shut ef ole Dozier
didn ’t j i s’ then sustain the kar-acter ove the tribe
mons’on s well.“He hes pow
’
ful presence ove mind too, fur I’
d
scarcely sed ‘cofli n
,
’
afore he wer at the top ove hi s
speed to ’
ards the river. Now Maje,like most durn ’
d
whi te fools,b
’
leved the sheriff tu be greater nur eny'
body,an
’
hed the power tu du enything. So a idear
got onder his ho’
n s,an
’
ahine his eyes,that Dozier cud
help h im sumhow,tu git rid ove the chasin devil, an ’
he hol ler’
d ‘Marster Dozier Dozier drap’
t hisquill. ‘Marster Sheriff Sheriff lef loose a cloudove flyin papers in the vi nd. ‘Stop dar
,I hes a word
wid yu.
’
Dozier run outen his hat an’ specks wif a j erk
,an
'
I seed his di nner tub a Wingin out each side ove him,
like a bag wif a skared dorg in tu hit,every lope he
made. I ga110ped catic irner’
d across lots,an
’ got in a
paw-
paw thi cket on the bank ove the river, afore theygot roun thar ; as Dozier Whizz
’
d by,the sweat flyin ofen
226 FRUSTRATING A FUNERAL.
head,an
’
he tuck the sheriff’s trail, like on tu a houn.
I tuck a good holesum pull ou ten t hat bottil,an
’ tho ’twhat a durn ’
d di scumfortin thing a big skeer is.“Plen ty peopil am redy tu swar that they seed th edevil chasin Dozier
,plum tn the mountin
,an
’
one ole’oman
,a-givin in her sperience at meetin
,sed she seed
him ketch him,an
’
eat him plum up. She tole a
duru’d lie,I speck
“I performed two christshun jutys that n ight. Istole the coflin
,an
’ buried Seize out in the woods wharI’
d hid him,an
’ his rale“ grave stan s open yet, the bes’
frog-trap yu ever seed. See the orful oonseken ses ove
bein skeery when a n igger dies. Hunicutt gone ;Seize’s corpse los ’ doctor gone
, passun gon e, sherifi”gone
,
an’ tu cap the stack ove vexashu s things
,the doggery
keeper gone., Why
,the coun ty’s rui nated
,an
’ hitshaun ted yetwif al l sorts ove orful haun ts yu ken buyland thar fur a dime a acre
,on tick at that.
“What became of Mrs. Hunicutt,and Mrs. Loftin
,
SutW’
“O h ! es tu em Missis Hunicutt is playin widder,in red ribbon s
,an Missis Loftin ’s j i n ’d meetin.
“I’
se furgot sumthi n ; what am hit ? Oh ! I min dsnow ;
’twer that tuther christshun juty I performed Iminister
’
d on tu Wright’s doggery,an
’run hit till the
grass burn ’t up,when hit went dry. I wish hit mout
hev a calf soon.
RARE RIPE GARDEN-SEED.
I TELL yu now,I minds my fust big skeer j i s
’es
wel l as rich boys minds thar fust boot s , ur seciu thefust spotted hoss sirkis. The red top bve them bootsam still a rich red stripe in thar minds
,an
’the burn in
red ove my fust skeer hes lef es deep a scar on tu mythinkin works. Mam hed me a standin atwixt herknees. I kin feel the knobs ove her jmts a -rattlina-
pas’
my ribs yet. She didn t hev much petticoats tuspeak ove, an
’ I hed but one,an
’
hi t wer cal liker slitfi~
um the nap ove my naik tu the tail,hi lt tugether at
the top wif a draw-string,an
’
at the bottom by thehem ; hit wer the handiest close I ever seed an
’ wudbe pow
’
ful cumfurtin in summer if hit warn t fur theflies. Ef they was good tu run in
,I ’d war on e yet.
Th ey beats pasted shuts,an
’ britches,es bad es a
feather bed beats a bag ove warnut shells fur sleepin
on.
“Say, George, wudn’
t yu like tu see me intu one
’bout haf fadid
,slit
,an
’
a-walkin j is’ so,up the middil
228 RARE WIPE GARDEN-SEED.
street ove yure city chuch, a-aimin fur yure pew
pen , an’ hit chock full ove yure fine city gal friends,
j is ’ arter the peopil hed sot down frum the fust prayer,
an’
the orgin begin i n tu groan ; what wud yu du insich a margincy ? say hossWhy
,I ’d shoot you dead, Monday morn ing before
eight o ’clock,
”was my reply.
“Well,I speck yu wud ; but yu
’d take a rale ole
maid fain t fus,rite amung them ar gals. Lordy !
wudn’
t yu be shamed ove me ! Yit why not ten
chuch in sich a suit,
”
When yu hesn’
t got no storeclothes ?
“Well,es I Wer sayin mam wer feedin us brats
ontu mush an’
milk,wifout the milk
,an
’
es I wer thebaby then
,she h ilt me so es tu see that I got my sheer.
Whar thar ain ’t enuf feed,big childer roots littil childer
outen the troff,a
‘
i’
gobbils up thar part. J is ’ so the
yeath over : bist e eats elders,elders eats common
peOpil ; they eats sich cattil es me,I eats possums
,pos
sums eats chickin s,chickin s swallcrs wums
,an
’
wums
am con ten t tu eat dus , an’
the dus am the aind ove hital l . Hit am al l es regi
‘ur es the soan s frum the tribil
down tn th e bull base eve a fiddil if good tchune, an"
I speck hit am right,ur h i t wudn
’
t be flo wed.‘The sherif f h is
’
d mam in a keen trimbl in wh is :
per , hit sounded tu me like the skreoch ove a hen
when she sez‘hawk
,
’ tu her little rouu -strtr rx’d. fuzzy,
bead-eyed,stripid
-backs.
230 RARE RIPE GARDEN-SEED.
fur they’se allers di sCumfortin me
,durn em. I scarcely
ever git tu drink a ho’
n,ur eat a mess in peace. I ’ll
hur t one sum day, see ef I don ’t. Show me a sheriffa -steppin softly roun ,
an’a-sorter sigh tin at me
,an
’
I’
ll
show yu a far sampil ove the speed ove a express ingine
,fired up wif rich
,dry, rosiny skeers. They don
’tketch me much
,usin on ly human laigs es wepun s.
“Ole John Doltin wer a’
spectabil sheriff, mon su sly
so an’hed the bes
’ scen t fur poor fugatif devils, an’
wimen,I ever seed ; he wer sure fire. Well
,he toted
a warrun fur this yere skinful ove duru ’d fool,
’boutthat ar misfortn it n igger meetin bisness
,on til he wore
hit in tu six seperit squar bits, an’
hed wore out muchshoe leather a -chasin ove me. I ’d foun a doggery infull milk
,an
’ hated pow’
ful bad tu leave that settilment
whi le hit suck ’
d free ; so I sot in tu sorter try an’ wean
h im off frum botherin me so much. I ‘
suckseedid sowell that he not on ly quit racin ove me
,an
’
wimen,but
he wer tetotaly spiled es as a sherifl'
,an
’ los’ the ’specta
bil seckshun’
ove his karacter. Tu make yu fool fellersonderstan how hit wer done
,I mu s
’interju ice yure
minds tu one W at Mastin,a bul lit-headed yung black
smith.
“Well,las
’ year- no hit wer the year afore las ’ -in
stru ttin an’
gobbl in' time
,W at felt his keepin right
warm,so he sot in tu bel lerin an
’
pawin up dus in th en eighborhood r oun the ole widder McKildrin
’
s The
more dus he flung .up, the wus he got, ontil at las ’ he
RARE RIPE GARDEN-SEED. 23 1
j is cudn’t stan the ticklin sensashuns anutn er minni t ;
so he put fur the county court clark’s ofli s, wif his hanssock’d down deep in tu his britchi s pockets, like he werfear
’
d ove pick-pockets,hi s back roach
’
d roun,an
’
a-chompin his teef ontil he splotch’
d his whi skers wiffoam. Oh ! he wer yearn is
’hot
,an
’
es restless es a
cockroach in a hot skill it.”
“What was the matter with this Mr. Mastin ? Icannot understand you ,
Mr. Lovingood ; had he hydrOphobia ?
”remarked a man in a square-tail coat
,and
cloth gaiters,who was obtain ing subscribers for some
forthcoming En cyclopedi a of Useful Knowledge,who
had quartered at our camp,un invited
,and really
unwanted.
“What da yu mean by high-dry-foby ? and Su t
looked puzzled.
“A madness produced by being bit by some rabidan imal
,
”explain ed Square-tail
,in a pompous manner.
“Yas,hoss
,h e hed high-dry
-foby orfu l, an’ Mary
McKildrin,the wi dder McKildrin
’
s on ly darter,hed
gin him the complaint ; I don ’t know whether she hit’
im ur not ; he mout a-cotch hi t frum her bref,an
’
he
wer now in the roach back,chompin stage ove the
sickn ess, so he wer arter the clark fur a tickit tn the
hospital. Well,the clark sole ’
im a piece ove paper,
part pri ntin an’ part ritin
,wif a picter ove two pigs’
hearts, what sum boy hed shot a arrer . thru,an
’
lef hi t
stickin,pri nted at the top. Tha t paper wer a splicin
RARE RIPE GARDEN-SEED.
pass -sum calls hi t a par .ove l icins— an’ that very ni te
he tuck Mary,fur better
,fur wus
,tu hev an
’ tu holetu h im his heirs
,an
“Allow me to in terrupt you , said our guest ; you
do n ot quote th e marriage ceremony correctly.
”
Yu go tu hell, mistofer ; yu bothers me.
”
This outrageou s rebuff took the stranger al l aback,
and he sat down.
W har wer I ? Oh yas, h e married Mary tight an ’
fas an’
n ex day he wer abil tu be about. His coattho
,an
’ his trousis look ’
d j is’
a skrimshu n too big,
loose like,an
’ heavy tu tote. I axed him ef he feltsoun. He sed yas, but he
’
d welded a steamboat shaftezthe day afore
,an
’
wer sorter tired like. Thar he tole a
durn l ie,fur he
’
d been a-ho’
n in up dirt mos’ove the
day, roun the widder’s garden,an
’
bel lerin in the orchard Mary an
’
h im sot squar intu hous’-keepi n
,an
’
’mung uther thi ngs he bot a lot ove rar ripe garden-seed
,
frum a Yankee peddl er. Rar ripe co’
n,rar ripe peas,
rar ripe taters,rar ripe everything
,an
’
the two yungduru’d fools wer dreadfully exercis ’d ’bout hit. W at sed
he men t tu git h im a rar ripe hammer an’
anvil,an
’ Maryvow
’
d tu grashus, that she’d hev a rar ripe wheel an ’
loom,ef money wud git em. Purty soon arter he hed
made the garden,he tuck a noshun tu work a spell
down tu Ataylan ty, in the railroad shop, es he sed he heda sorter ailin in his back
,an
’
he tho ’t weldin rail car-tirean
’ ingine axiltrees, wer lighter work nur sharpinin
234 RARE RIPE GARDEN-SEED.
a spell,W at begun tu move
,twitchin his fingers
,an
’
battin his eyes,sorter ’stoni shed like. That pius lookin
statue sed tu h im
‘My son, j is
’ take a drap ove sperrits, honey. Yu’severy sick
,dumplin don ’t take on darlin ,
ef yu k in
help hit,ducky
,fur poor Margarit Jane am mon s
’
o'
us
ailin,an
’
the leas ’ n ise u r takin on will ki ll the poorsufl
'
erin dear,an
’ yu ’li loose yure tuckil ducky duv ove
a sweet wifey,arter al l she ’s dun gone thru fur yu. My
dear son Watty, yu mus
’ con sider her feel in s a littil . ’
Sez W at,a-turn in up his eyes at that vartus ole relick
,
sorter sick like‘ I is a -eon siderin em a heap
,rite now
’
Oh that’s right,my good kine child.
’
Oh dam ef ole muther-in -lors can ’t plaster humbugover a fel‘ler
,j is ’ es saft an ’
easy es they spreads a cam
rick hanketcher over a three hour ole baby’s face ; yudon ’t feel hit at all
,bu t hit am thar
,a plum in ch thick
,
an’
stickin fas es court-plaster. She raised W at’s headan
’sot the aidge ove the tin cup agin his lower teef, an
turn ed up the bottim slow an’
keerfu l,a-winkin at
Mary,hu wer a -
peepin over the aidge ove the coverlid,
tu see ef W at tuoh the pershripshun ,fur a h eap ove
famerly cumfort’pended on that ar ho ’
n ove sperrits.
Wa n ho’
n allers saften s a man,the yeath over. W at
keep a-battin his eyes,wu s nur a owl in daylight at las ’
he raised h issef ontu wun elbow,an
’
rested hi s head inthat han
,sorter weak like; Sez he,mons
’ons trimblin an’
BABE RIPE GARDEN- SEED. 235
slow :‘Aprile—May
—June—J uly— an’
mos’—haf
ove—August,’ a -coun tin the mun ths ontu the fingersove tuther han ,
wif the thum b,a -shakin ove h is head
,
an’ lookin at h is spread fingers like they warn ’t hi s ’n
,
ur they wer nastied wif sumfln. Then he coun ted em
agin,slower
,Aprile —May
— J une —July - an’
,mos
’
haf ove August, an ’
he ru n his thumb atwixt h is fingers
,es mean i n mos
’
haf ove August, an ’
look’
d at the
pin t ove hit,like hit mout be a snake’s head He raised
his eyes tn the widder’s face who wer standin j i s’ es
steady es a hitchi n pos’
,an still a-warin that pius
spression on tu her pussonal feturs, an’
a flood ove
saft luv fur W at,a -shin in strait frum her eyes intu
his ’n. Sez he,
‘That j is"makes four mun ths,an
’
mos’
a half,don ’t hit
,Missis McKildrin She never sed
one word. W at reached fur the hath,an
’
got a deadfire-coal ; then he made a -mark clean acrost a floor
plank. Sez he,
‘Aprile,
’
a -boldin down the coal on tuthe aind ove the mark
,like he wer fear
’
d hit moutblow away afore he got h it christened Aprile. Sez he
,
‘May’— an
’
he marked across the board agin ; then hecoun ted the marks
,on e
,two
,a-dottin at em wif the
coal. ‘ J un e,
’an
’
he marked agin , one,two. three ;
coun ted wif the pin t ove the coal. He scratched hishead wif the l ittil finger ove the ban boldin the charcoal
,an
’
he drawed hi t slowly acrost the board agin ,
peepin onder hi s wrist tu see when hi t reached thecrack, an
’
sez he‘J uly,
’
es he lifted the coal ; ‘one
,two
23 6 RARE RIPE GARDEN- SEED .
three,four
,
’
coun tin frum lef tu right,an
’ then frum
right tu lef. ‘That ha int but four,no way I kin fix
hit Ole Pike h issef endu ’
t make hit five,ef he wer tu
sifer entu hit outil his laigs turned in tu figger eights. ’
Then he made a mark,haf acrost a plank
,spit on his
finger,an
’ rubbed off a haf inch eve the aind,an
’sez
he,
‘Mos’
haf ove Augus t. He looked up at the wid
der,an
’ thar she wer,same es ever
,stil l a-heldi n the
flask agin her bussum,an
’
sez he ‘Four mon ths,an
’
mes’
a haf. Ha in t enuf,is hit mammy ? hits j is ’ ’beut(lackin a littil) haf enufihain t hit, mammy
“Missis McKildrin shuck her head sorter on sartin
like,an : sez she
,
‘Take a drap more sperrits, Watty,
my dear pet ; dus yu mine buyin that ar rar ripe seed,frum the peddler ? ’ W at nodded his head
,an
’ lookedwhat eve hit
,
’ but didn ’t say hit.‘This is what cums eve hit
,an
’four months an ’
a
haf am rar ripe time fur babys,adzack ly. Tu be sure
,
hit lacks a day‘
ur two,but Margarit Jane wer allers a
phw’
ful interprizin gal , an’a yearly rizer.
’Sez W at
,
‘Hew about the ’tatersOh
,we et
’taters es big es geese aigs, afore ole
Missis Coll inze’s blossomed’
‘How’beut ce ’
n
Oh,we shaved down roasin years afore hern tas~
An’ peas ?’
Yes sen,we hed gobs an
’
lots in three weeks
238 RARE RIPE GARDEN-SEED.
j ew j i s’ then
,es sure es that littil black-eyed angel in
the bed thar,am yer darter.
’
“W at drap’
t hi s head,an
’
sed,Then hits a dam sure
thing.
’
Rite yere,the baby fetch a rattlin loud squall
,
(I speck Mary wer sorter figetty j i s’ then
,an
’ hurt h it )‘Yas
,
’
sezWat,a-wallin a red eye te
’ards the bed ;
‘my
l ittil she—what wer hit yu called .her name
,mammy
‘ I called her a sweet l ittil angel,an
’
she is wun,es sure
es yu ’
re her daddy,my b
’
loved sen.
’ ‘Well,
’
sez W at,
‘my l ittil sweet, paten t rar ripe she angel,ef yu lives
tu marryin time,yu’il ’ston ish sum man body outen
his shut,ef yu don
’
t rar ripe lose hits vartu arter the
fust plantin,that’s al l .
’He rared up on aind
,wif h is
mouf peuch’
d ou t. He had a pew ’
ful ferrid,fur
reachinJ
outen a catfish,in two -foot warter
,wifou t wettin his
bread fun n el,enyhew
—cud a-bit the aigs
eyebrows. ‘Ded durn rar ripe seed,an
’rar ripe ped
lers,an
’rar ripe notes tu the hettes’ corner eve
‘Stop Watty,darlin
,don ’t swar ; ’
member yu belongs tu meetin.
’
‘My blacksmith ’s fire,
’ainded W at
,an
’he studied
a long spell ; sez he,‘Did you save eny eve that infunnel doubil -trigger
seed ? ’ ‘Yas,
’sez the widder
,
‘ thar in that bag by thecupboard W at get up ofen the floor
,tuck a countin ser
ter look at the charcoal marks,an
’ reached down the
bag ; he wen t tn the door an’ called ‘Suke
,muley !
Suke, Suke, cow,chick
,chick
,chicky chick.
‘ ‘What’s
RARE RIPE GARDEN-SEED 239
yu gwine tu du now,my dear sen sed Missis McKil
drin.
‘I’
se j is ’ gwine tu feed this actif smart truck tnthe cow
,an
’the hen s
,that’s what I’se gwine tu du
Ole muley hain t hed a calf in two years,an
’ I ’ll eatsum rar ripe aigs.
’ Mary n ew ven ter’
d tu speak‘Husban , I ain ’t su r e h it
’
l l work on hen s cum an’ kiss
1
me my luv.
‘I hain t sure hit ’l l work on hen s,either
,
’
sed W at.‘They’s powerful on sartin in thar ways
,well
es wimen,
’
an’
he flung out a hanfii l spiteful like. Takinthe rar ripe inven shun al l tugether, frum ’taters an ’ peastu notes eve han
,an
’ chi lder,I can ’t say I
”
likes h itmuch
,
’
an’he flung out anu ther hanfu l . ‘Yer mam
hed thu teen . the ele way, an’
ef this truck stays ’beutthe heus ’
,yu ’
se good fur twenty-six,maybe thu ty, fur
yu’se a pew’
ful in terprizin gal , yer mam sez,
’
an’
he
flung out anu ther hanful,overhandid
,es hard es ef he
wer flingin rocks at a stealin sow.
‘Make yere min eeasy
,
’
sed the widder ; hit never works on marri edfolks on ly the fust time.
’ ‘Say them words agi n,
’sed
W at,
‘I’
se glad tu hear em. Is hit the same way wif
notes eve han ‘I speck hi t am,
’
an swer’
d thewidder,
wif j i s’
a taste eve strong vinegar in the words,es she
set the flask in the cupboard wif a push.
J is’ then ole Doltin
,the sheriff
,rid up
,an
’ started’stoni shed when he seed W at
,but he
,quick es an
’oman
kin hide a strange hat,drawed the puckerin
-string eve
that legil face eve hi s’n ,an
’
fetch h it up tn the ‘knew’
d
yu wer at heme,
’sorter leek
,an
’
wish in W at much joy.
240 RARE RIPE GARDEN—SEEDS
sed he’
d fetch the baby a presen t,a p ar eve red shoes
,
an’
a cal l iker dress,fur the luv he bore hits granmam.
Missis McKildrin tole him what th e rar ripe hed dun,
an’he swore hit allers worked j is’ that way, an
’
wer
’ston ished at Wat’s not knowin hit ; an ’ they talked so
fas’
,an
’ so much,that the more W at listened the less
he knew’
d.
“Arter the sheriff lef, they enrolled the bundil,an
’
W at straitched out the cal l iker in the yard. He step ’thit eff keerful ly, ten yards, an a l ittil the rise. He puss
’
d
up his meuf,an
’
blew’
d out a whi stil seven feet long,lookin up an ’ down the middil stripe eve the drygoods
,
frum aind tu aind. Sez he,
‘Missis McKildrin,that’ll
make Rar Ripe a good fu ll frock, won’
t hit ?’ ‘Y-a-s,
’
sed she,wif her han s laid up along her j aw,
like she
wer studyin the thing keerful ly.
‘My son,I thinks
hit will,an
’ I wer j is ’ a -th inkin ef hit wer cut tu ’
van
tage,thar mon t be nuff lef
,squeezed ou t tu make ya a
Sunday shutin shut,makin the rufli ls an ’
ban outen sumthin else.
’ ‘Put hit in th e bag what the rar ripe werin an
’ by mern in thar’
ll be nuff fur the ruth is an ’ ban s,
an yu mout make the tail tu drag the , yeath , wifou t
squeezin ur pecin,
’sez W at
,an
’he put a few small
wrinkils in the pin t eve his n ose,what seemed tu
bother the widder tu make ou t the mean in eve ; theyleok
’
d men s’eu s like the outward sign s eve an en
b’
lever.
" Jis ’ then his eyes set fas ’ on tu sumth in a a lyin
on the groun whar he ’d enrolled the bundil ; he walk ’d
242 RARE RIPE GARDEN-SEED.
prin ted on the mindin seekshun eve my brain. Hi t
run j is ’ so
MY SWEET MARYI mayn ’
t git th e chance tu talk eny tu yu, so
when W at gits home, an’
axes enything’bout th e comb an
’
ca ll iker, yu
te ll him yer mam foun the bundil in th e road. She’ll back yu up in
that ar statemin t, on til thar’s enuf whi te fres ’ in hell tu kill snap
beans.Notey Beney.
—I hope W at’
ll stay in Atlanty on til the merlenium,
don’
t yu, my dear duv ?
Yuros til l deth,DOLTIN.
An ’ tu that ar las ’ remark he ’
d set a big D. I reckonhe men t that fur dam W at.
“New,I j is’ know’
d es long es I hed that paper,I
hilt four aces on tu the sheriff,an
’ I ment tu bet on theban ,
an’
go ha lves wif Wa t,fur I wer sorry fur him
,he
wer so infunely’posed upon . I wen t tu school tu
Sicily Burn s, tu larn ’
eman tricks,an
’ I tuck a dirplo
mer,I did
,an
’n ow I ’d j es
’ like tu see the pu ssonal
feeters eve the she’oman what cud stock rar ripe kerds
on me,duru’d feel es I is. I hed a talk wif W at
,an
’
soon foun ou t that his min e hed simmer’
d down in tu astrong belief that the sheriff an
’ Mary wer doin tharweavin in the same loom.
“Then I show ’d him my four aces,an
’ that chipmade the pot bile over, an ’
he j rs’ ’greed tu be led by
me,spontanashu sly.
“Jis ’ think on that fac ’ a minuit boys ; a man what.
RARE RIPE GARDEN—SEED. 243
hed sense enuf tu turn a hoss shoe,an
’ then nail hit ontoe aind foremos ’
,bein led by me
,looks sorter like a
plum tree barin tumil bug-balls,but hit wer j is’ so
,an
’
durn my pictur, ef I didn’ t lead him tu victory
,strait
along.
“W at narrated hit,that he b’
leved strong in rar ripefrum bean s
,thru n otes eve han
,plum tu babys
,an
that h is cabin shud never be wifout hi t. The widderwer cheerful
,Mary wer luvin
,an
’
the sheriff wer toldon the sly
,by ole Mister McKildrin
’
s remain in,an
’
mes’ pius she half
,that W at wer es plum blind es ef
his eyes wer two tu ck il aigs . So the wool grew’
d over
his eyes,ontil hit wer fit tu shear
,an
’dam of I warn
’
t
a t the shearin .
“Things,th arfere
,wen t smeef
,an
’
es quiet es a
greased waggin , runn in in san . Hits allers so, j i s
’
afore a tarin big storm .
“By the time l ittil Rar Ripe wer ten weeks ole,Dol
tin begun tu be pew’
ful plen ty in the neighborhoodEven the brats kn ew’
d h is hess ’s tracks,an
’
go wharhe wud
,the road led ui on tu W at s
,ur the widder’s
,tu
git thar. My time tu play my four aces hed ’boutcum.
“And so has orderly bed time. I wish to repose,
”
remarked the man ofUseful Kn owledge,in the square
tail coat,and cloth gaiters.
Su t opened his eyes in wonder.Yu wish tu du what ?”
244 RARE RIPE GARDEN-SEED.
I wish to go to sleep.
Then why the h— l didn ’t yu say so ? Yu mus’
talk Inglish tu me,ur n ot git yersef onderstood I
warn ’t edikated at no Injun ur n igger school . Say,
bun ty,warn ’t yu standid deep in sum creek
,when the
taylure man put the string to yu ,fur that ar cross atwix
a rounabou t an’a flour barril
,what yu ’se got on in
place of a coat ?”
My self-made guest looked appealingly at me,as he
un tied his gaiters,eviden tly deeply in sulted I shook
my head at Sut, who was lying on hi s breast, with hisarms crossed for a pillow
,but with head eleva ted like
a lizard s,watching the traveler’s motions with great
in terest.Say, George, what du s repose mean ? That wurd
wer used‘ at me j i s’
n ew
Repose means rest. ”
Oh,the devil hit dus I
’
se glad tu hear hit,I tho ’t
hit wer pu sson al . I k in repose new,mysef. Say, ole
Onsigh tly Peter, repose sum tu,ef yu kin in that
flour barril. I ain ’t gwine tu hun t fur yure har
on til mer and Sut slept. When morn ing broke,
the En cyclopedia,or Onsightly Peter as Sut pre
!
neunced it, had
Folded hi s ten t like the Arab,And as sil en tly stole away.”
246 CONTEMPT eF COURT—ALMOST.
hides hit. An’ yere’s a l ittil more ; no odds how good
yu is tu yung thi ngs, ur how kine yu is in treatin em,
when yu sees a l ittil long laiged lamb a-shakin hitstail
,an
’a-dancin staggerin ly ender hits mam a-hun tin
fur the tit,entu hi ts knees
, yer fingers will itch tuseize that ar tail
,an
’ fling the l ittil ankshu s son eve a
mutton over the fence amung the blackberry briars,
not tu hurt hit,but j i s’ tu di sapint hit. Ur say, a l ittil
calf,a-bu ttin fas
’un der the cow’s fore-laigs, an
’ then thehi ne
, wif the pin t eve hits tung stuck out, makin suckin
mosh uns,not yet old enuf tu know the bag aind eve
hi ts mam frum the heekin aind,don
’
t yu wan t tukick hit on the snout
,hard enough tu send hit back
wards,say fifteen foot
,j is’ tu show hit that bu ttin won ’t
allers fetch milk ? Ur a baby even,rubbin hits heels
apas ’ each u ther,a-reotin an
’a-sn ifflin arter the breas’
,
an’
the mam duin her bes’ tu git hit out,over the hem
eve her clothes, don ’t yu feel hungry tu gin hit jis’
one’cussien cap slap, rite en tu the place what sum
day’
ll fit a saddil,ur a sowin cheer
,tu shew hit what’s
atwixt hit an ’
the grave ; that hit stan s a pew’
ful chancenot tu be fed every time hits hungry
,ur in a hurry ?
An ’
agin : ain ’t thar sum grown up babys what yumeets
,that the moment yer °
eyes takes em in, yer toes
itch tu tetch thar starn s, j i s’ ’boi1t es saftly es a muel
kicks in playin ; a bistin kine eve a tetch, fur the waythey wares thar har, hat, ur watch-chain
,the shape eve
thar nose,the cut eve thar eye, ur sumthin eve a like
CONTEMPT eF COURT—ALMOST. 247
littil natur. Jis ’ tu show the idear,a strange fellow
onst cum intu a doggery whar I wer buzzy a-raisinsteam
,an
’
had got hit a few poun abuv a bladder bustinpint
“He tuck off his gloves,slow an
’keerful
,a-look in at
me like I meut smell bad. Then he flattened em on tuthe counter
,an
’ laid em in the crown eve his hat,like
he wer packin shuts in a trunk. Then sez he
‘Baw-keepaw,ole Champaigne Brandy
,vintage
eve thuty-eight
,efyu please, aw.
’
“He smelt hit slow,a-lookin at h issef in the big
lookin -glass ahine the coun ter,shook his head
,an
’
turn ed up hi s mu stachu s,sorter like a goat hi sts hits tail.
“Mustachu s am pew’
ful holesum things I speck,tu
them what hes the stumick tu wear em. Bes’ butter
milk strainers on yeath . All the scrimpshuns eve
butter lodges in the har,an
’rubbed in makes it grow,
like chicken dung du s inyu n s. Strain s whisky powerful good, what hes dead flies in hit
,an
’ then yu kincomb em off ur let em stay
,
’cordin tu yer taste. Theychanges the tas te eve a kiss clear over ; makes hit tas ’
an’ smell like a mildew
’
d saddil -blankit,arter hit hed
been rid on a sore-back hoss three hundred miles inAugust
,an
’ increases yer appertite fur sich things’
cordi n ly. I seed a blue-bird devil a feller on st,al l
on e spring,a-tryin tu git intu his mouf tu bild a nestes
,
an’
the duru’d fool wer proud eve the bird’s preferens,but wudn
’
t let hit git in.
248 CONTEMPT OF COURT—ALMOST.
Rite then,I thought
,well
,durn yure artifishul
n o-coun t soul,an
’my toes begun tu tingle. He tuck
four trials,a-
peurin back an’ferrid
,afore he got his
dram the right depth,a-lookin thru the tumbler like he
spected tu see a minner,ur a warter-mockasin in hit.
Then he drunk hit,like hit wer caster ile
,the infunel
fool. Lordy crimminy ! how bad my toes wer itchi nnow. He lit a seegar
,cocked hit up to ’
ards one eye,
an’
loooked at me agin thru the smoke,while he shook
hi s hat ever en tu one eve his years. Sez I,
‘Merninmister.
’
He n ever sed a word,but turned an ’ started fur the
door. When he got six foot n ine inches distunt, (that’s
my bes’kickin range
,) the durned agravatin toe itchovercum me
,an
’ I let one e ve these yere hoss-hideboots go arter ’
im hit imejun tly cotch up wif the forkeve his coatail
,an
’ wen t outen my sight, mos’ up tn
the straps. He wen t flyin outen the doggery door,
ever the hoss-rack. While he wer in the air,he turned
plum reun an’ lit facin me wif a cock
’
t Derringer,
a -starin me squar in the face. I the t I seed the bullitin hit lookin es big es a hen ’s aig. Es I dodged
,hit
plowed a track acrost the deer-jam,j is’ es high es my
eye-brows. I wer one hundred an
’
ni neteen yardsdeep in the wheat-held when I hearn hits mate bark
,an
’
he wer a pew’
rful qui ck moshun’
d man wif Shootin irons.“I wer sorter fooled in the n ater eve that feller,that’s a fac’. The idear eve Derringers, an
’
the melt
250 CONTEMPT eF COURT—ALMOST.
head,steppin short an
’ high,like on tu a bline hoss, an
lookin squar atwixt his shoe-heels, wif his shouldershump
’
d hi up. Sez he,
‘Hu—wee,
’ clear an’loud es a tin he
’
n,
‘run ender
the hen,yere’s the blue-tail hawk
,an
’he
’
s a -flyin low.
The Devil ’s grist mill-dam ’s broke take tu yer canoes.Then he reared a time ur two
,an look
’
d up an ’ downthe street
,like a bull looks fur tuther one
,when he
thinks he hearn a beller. He riz en tu his tip-toes,an
'
fini shed a good loud ‘E u -wee.
’Es he drap
’
t on tu hisheels agin
,he yelled so hard his head shook an
’
hi s
long black har quivered agin ; he then shook hit outenhis eyes
,wipin the big draps eve sweat ofen his snout
wif hi s shut-sleeve, still hangin tn the venerson an’
the
nigger. Sez he,
‘Loek out fur the ingine when yu hears hit whistil ;hits a-whistil in rite now. Nineteen hundred an ’
eighty
poun s tu the squar scrimpshun by golly, an’
eighty-nine
miles in the shake eve a lamb ’s tail. Purfeckly clearme j l s
’
ten acres tu du my gesterin on, yu durned Jews,
tape-sellers,gen tiles
,an
’ jackasses,I’
se j is’ a mosseleve the bes
’
man what ever laid a shadder on tu thisdirt. Hit Wilts grass
,my breff pizin s skeeters, my yell
breaks winders,an
’
my tromp gits yeathquakes. I kinbust the bottom outen a still by blowin in at the wum
,
I k in addil a room ful l eve geese aigs by peepin in at
the key-hole
,an
’
I kin sp it a blister on tu a wa shpot, en li l
theflies blow hit. Listen tu me,oh yu dam puney, pan
CONTEMPT eF COURT—ALMOST. 251
ady eatin siterzens,an
’
seujourners in thi s half-stock ’
t
1town,I’
se in yearni s’n ew. Then he reared a few
times agin,an
’
ou t the pidgeon -wing three feet high,
fini shed off wif’bout haf eve a he
’
n -pipe,keepin time
abuv hi s head wif the venerson an’
the l ittil son eve
midn ite. He hilt em straight out at arm’s laingth ,leaned way back, an
’ lookin straight up at the sky,
sung ’bout es loud es a cow bellers,one vearse eve the
sixteen hundred an ’
n inety-n in th hyme
Th e martins bilds in hexis,Th e foxis den s in holes,
Th e sarpin ts crawls in recksis,
The yeath’
s th e heme eve moles.
Cock a-deedil-de , hi ts movin ,
An ’
dram time’
s cum agin .
I’zre
’
s what k in s ’
sircumstan su l ly flax out that ar
court-heus’ ful l tn the chimbly tops,eve bull-dorgs,
Bengal tigers, an ’ pizon bitin thi ngs, wif that ar pusleygutted
,leather whisky jug eve a jedge, tu laig fur em.
Cum out yere, yu ole false apostil eve lor, yu cussed,
termatis-nosed desipil eve supeners, an’let me gin ya a
charge. I ’ll bet high hit busts yu plum open , frumfork tu forrid, yu hary, sul ky, choliky durn
’
d sen eve a
slush-tub. Cum out yere,oh yu coward
’s skeer, yu
widder’s night-mar, yu poor man
’s heart ache, yu cen
stabil’
s god, yu lawyerls king, yu treasury’s tape-wum
,
yer wife’s dam barril eve soap-grease
,saften
’
d wif un
bought whisky.
’
252 CONTEMPT eF COURT- ALMOST.
Thinks I,that
’
s hit ; n ew Wirt yu’se draw d an ace
kerd at las’
,fur the winders wer histed an
’the cert
hearn every word“Wirt wer bilin hot ; nobody tu gain say him,
h ed
made h im piedied al l over ; he wer plum pizen . Se
arter fin ish in his las ’ narashun , aim ’
d at Jedge Smarty,
he tuck a v igrus look at the yung n igger,what he still
hilt squ irmin an’
twistin his face, what warn ’t eyes,
glazed al l over wif tears,an
’ starch outen his n ose,an
’
sez he,
‘GO.
’
He flung hit up’
ards,an
’
es hit em
down,h it met on e eve Wi rt’s boots. Away hit flew
,
spread like on tu a flyin squirrel , smash thru a watchtinker’s winder
,totin in broken sash
,an
’ glass,an
’
bull ’s-eye watches, an’ sasser watches
,an
’ spoon s,an
’
fishin reels,an
’
sumdoll heads,an
’ clay pipes,an
noise. A ole ball-headed cuss wer a -sittin a -
peepin in
tu a ole watch,arter spiders
,wif a thing like a big
black wart kiverin on e eye, when the smashery cum,
an’
the fus’ thing he knowed
,he wer flat eve his back
,
wif a small, pow
’
ful ly skeer’
d,ash -cul ler
’
d n igger,
a-straddil hi s naik,l ittil brass wheels spinn in on the
floor,an
’ watches singin like rattil -snakes al l reun . I
wer a-
peepin outen the ole doggery door, an’ thinks I
,
thar,by jingo
,Wirt
,yu ’se draw’
d anu ther ace,an
’
ef yu
hilt enything eve a han afore, yu hes got a sure thing
n ew ; so better bet fas ’, ole fel ler,.
fur I rather think thej edge
’
l l ‘call yu’ pu rty seen . Wirt seed me
,an
’
eve
course the ’t eve whisky that moment ; so he cum ever
254 CONTEMPT OF COURT—ALMOST.
combs in Herrin’
s store,of I don ’
t make yu foar d eve
lightn in . I ’ll stay wif yu till thar’
s enuf fros’in hell tu
hill sn ap-beans.
’
When Wirt menshun’d snap-bean s
,I seed the
sheriff sorter start, an git pale ahine the years.
‘Git in tu that ar hog-
pen , quick, (a-pin tin at th e
court-hous ’ wif the venerson laig,) u r I’ll split yer head
plum tu the swal ler wif this yere buck ’s laig, yu duru’d
ole skaley-heel
’
d,bob-tail old muley bull ; I ’ll spile yer
appertite fur the grass in uther men’s pasturs.
’
‘Don’t talk so loud
,Mister Staples ; hit di scombo
berates the court. I hes no papers agin yu . Jis ’ keepquiet
,
’sez Doltin
,aidgi n up slow, an
’
two ur three depertys sorter flankin .
Wirt seed the sign s. He j i s’ reared ‘
the l ion’
s
loose ! Shet yer doors.’ I seed his har a-flyin es he
sprung, an ’ I hearn a soun like smashin a dry gourdthar wer a rushin tugether eve depertys an
’ human s,
an’ hit look ’
d like bees a-swarmin . Yere cum Wirtmowin his way outen the crowd
,wif his venerson
,an
sprung on tu his hoss. Thar lay Doltin , flat eve his
back,his belly pin tin up like a big tater-hill
,an
’
eightur n in e more in es many shapes
,lyin al l about
,every
durned wu n a-heldin his head,
’sceptin Dol tin , an
’ ‘
he
wer plum limber. Wirt hed a pew’ful fine hoss
,an
’
he rid’
im reun that crowd like a Cumanche Injun,ur
a suck is,es fas
’es quarter racin
,j is ’ bustin his freat
a-hel lerin. Then he went fur the court-hou s ’,rid in at
CONTEMPT OF COURT—ALMOST. 255
one door,an
’ out at tuther. Es he wen t,he flung that
mortu l buck ’s hine laig at the j edge’
s head,sayin :
‘Thar’s a dried supeaner fur yu , yu dam ole cow s
paunch.
’
Es hit cum h it hit the tabil afore him,an
’ sen t ahead eve hit, the broken glass eve a big inkstand
,an
’
a
half pin t eve ink,in tu the face eve the court
,then
glancin up, hit tuck a par eve specks what hed beenrared back on tu his head
,outen the winder wif hit.
Ole Smarty hes a mity nice idear eve when tu duck hishead
,even of a rain -storm eve ink am cumin upwards
in tu his face. Warn’t that men s eu s n igh bein a case
eve contempt eve court ?”
TRAPPING A SHERIFF.
WHENDol tin got his hed cooper’
d up arter that cavin in hit got frum the venerson laig, so he cud think upsarcumstances a l ittil
,he sen t fur me. You see - J im
Dunkin,the ornary devil
,foreswore h issef, an
’
s new a
parjurd man ; he tole Dol tin that I hilt his note tu
Mary,an
’
he wer arter hit hot Well,I tuck aboard
enuf weed tu run me a few miles,an over I wen t ; but
fu s’
gin the note tu Wirt Staples,tu keep
,fur fear the
ele bull -dorg mout sheer hit outen me.
Thar layDol tin on a low one-hoss bedstid,wif
’boutthree wet towi ls tied reun ’ his head
,an cabbige leaves
a-
peepin ou t al l reun ’
frum ender em.
’Beut half eve
a doctor’s shop wer sittin on tu a tabil.Thar set the sheriff’s wife
,in a rocking cheer. She
wer boney an ’ pale. A drunk' Injun cud a-red a Dutchalmanac thru her n ose
,and ther wer a n ew moon eve
indigo ender her eyes,away back i ntu them
,fifty fee t
or so. I seed her tear wells ; thar W indlass wer broke,the buckits in staves
,an
’the waters al l gone ; an ’
away
258 TRAPPING A SHERIFF .
when you soaks yersef in sin till yer gits heavy enuf,yu jes
’ draps in . An’
way down in the souf corner
eve hi t thar’s a hole,what the devil prides hissef on
,fur
hit is j is ’ sixteen thou sin times hotter nur a weldin heat,
an’ plum in tu the center eve hit
,wifou t tetch in wall ur
rafter,sum fin e arterneon Doltin
’
l l drap head fus ’ an ’
dive deeper nur a peun ’ plum bob kin fall in n in emon ths. Wouldn ’t you like to be in a safe place tosee h im when he pleu ts in , wif a
‘whish
’ in tu that ar
orful strong smel lin,melted mixtry eve seleck damna
shun . He ’ll sizzil like a wet cat flung intu a kittil evebilin
.
fat,an
’ he ’ll slosh hit up agin the walls so highthat hit will be a week trickl in down agin
,an
’
sen’
the
blazin draps so high,that they ’ll light on yeath an
’
be
mistaken ed fur Shootin stars.
“Well,he ris up en tu his elber
,and sez he
,mighty
saft like,
‘Mister Lovingood, you holes a n ote eve
mine fur ten du llers. I wan ts tu pay a holding ou ta bank eve Ten nessee !
,an
’
a winkin prudins’
an’
silen ce at me frum ender the aidge eve a cabbige leafmon su s strong.
Sez I,
‘Mr. Doltin,I’
se powerful sorry,but the fac ’
is I’se dun traded yer note.
’
Oh,dear me ! I hopes not
,nu di d did you trade
hi t tu ? ’
I leok ’
d strait intu the cen ter spot eve th e eye wif thecabbige leaf curtin , es innersen t es a lam
,an
’
sed,slew
an’ sorry like,
‘WIRT STAPLES, W at Mastin ’s cuzzie.
’
TRAPPING A SHERIFF .
He j erk’
d his elber frum ender him like springin thetriggers eve a bar-trap
,an fell back
,pulled down the
cabbige leaf low,and sez he
,low atwixt his teef
,tu
keep his wife frum hearin hit,You’ve play
’
d hell. ’‘Folks gen erl ly sez that ’s my trade,
’sez I.
What did yu say yer trade wer sir ?’
sed she,es
saft an ’ sweet es a well-played flute.
Tradin notes eve hand mum,
’
sez I.Oh I hopes you don
’
t take usury, sir. ’
No mam,
’sez I
,
‘by no means ; I takes venerson
fur em.
’
Ge tu yure room,
’ growled the durned ole soreheaded bar
,I wan ts tu talk tu this pussou. ’
“Dam’im
,he cali ’d me a pusson .
Arter she lef,sez he
,
‘Yu git that paper back, an’
fetch hit tu me, an’
ef yu don’t,I ’ll put yu in jail
,
’beut that n igger meetin busin ess,an
’ thar yu ’li stay.
Dus yer onderstan’
me ? I ’ll gin yer venerson ,
’
a -grittin his teeth
,an
’ shakin his finger at me like a snake ’stongue,
‘ don ’t yu fool wif me, yu infernel grasshop'
per eve helL’
Sez I, I ’ll try,’a-backing fur the deer.
Sez he Step,
’an
’ I stopt,but wif the deer leaf hilt
sorter atwixt us, an ’
al l eve my laigs outside.
Yu stole that paper frum Missis Mastin. New yu
git hit imejun tly, if not sooner, ur yu’
l l lay in jail til lThar’s enuf white fres ’ in hell tu bite snap-beans
,
’
I,a-meekin his bull voice.
260 TRAPPING A SHERIFF'
He j i s’rar
’
d back agin,an
’let his hans’ fall on the
floor each side the cot,es I shot the deer ahine me. I
hearn a hoss snort sumwhar. He mu s’
a bet a sorterflustrated at me
,fur the cabbidge leaves wer wilted
wif sweat.I toleWirt Staples what hed been sed an
’
dun evertn the sheriff’s heus’. So h im an
’me an his wife an ’
W at Mastin,a few days arter
,hilt a rale no~ nethin con
ven shun , tu oursefs,at Wirt’s heus’. W e bilt a trap
,
an’ baited hit. Now
,what du yu reckon we used fur
bait ? Nufli n butMary Mastin hersef ; an’ by golly we
cotch Dol tin the fus’ pass. Wirt’s wife did the planin ,
an’
ef she ain t smart fur an oman,I ain t a nat
’
ral born
durned fool. She ain t one eve yure she-cat wimmin,
allers spittin an’
groan in , an’
swel lin thar tails ’bout tharvartu. She never talks a word about hit
,no more nor
if she didn ’t hev eny ; an’she hes es true a heart es
ever beat agin a shiff hem,u r a hu sban
’
s shut Butshe am full e ve fun , an ’ I mout add as purty es a
hen canary, an ’ I swar I don ’t b ’l ’eve thei
’eman knows
hi t. She cum intu our boat j is’ caze Wirt wer in hit,
and she seed lots of fun"
a-plan tin,an
’she wan ted
tu be at the reapin of the crap.
“Well,the fust thi ng didwer tu make her she-n igger
overlay the read fur Doltin , an ’ tell him that Mary Mas
tin hed sarch’
d my peckits when I wer asleep, an’foun ’
a note eve his’n , an ’ that she wan ted him tu meet upwif hcr nex arternoen , j is ’ arter dark, back eve the
262 TRAPPING A SHERIFF.
“
ur buty,ur smartness
,ur sweet huggin
,ur shockin
mersheen kisses,tu marry ar cum m
’
marryin eny gal
a-top thi s livin green yeath . on less yu hes seed heryursef cook J i s
’ sich feedin as that wer. Durnashun, I
k in tas ’e hit now,j is ’ es plain es I tas’e that ar fester
gut,in that ar jug
,an
’ I swar I tasis hit plain . I getsdorg hongry every time I sees Wirt’s wife
,ur even
her side-saddil,ur her frocks a-hangin on the close
lin e.
“Es we sot down the las’ glimmers ove the sun erep
thru the histed winder,an
’fiutter
’d on the white tabil
cloth an’
play’d a silver shine on her smoof black har
,
es she sot at the head ove the tabil, a-
pourin out thecoffee
, wif her sleeves push ’d tight back on her whiteroun ’
arm,her full throbbin n eck wer bar to the swell
Ove her shoulders, an ’the steam ove the coffee made
a movin vail afore her face,es she slowly bru sh ’
d hitaway wi f hur lef han ’
,a-smilin an
’a-flash in hur talkin
eyes lovin ly at her han sum husbun. I thot ef I wera picter
-maker,I cud J i s
’ take that ar supper an ’ thatar
’oman down on clean white paper,an
’make more
men hongry, an’hot tu marry
,a-lookin at hit in one
week,nor ever ole Whitfield convarted in his hole life ;
back-sliders,hippercrits, an
’al l
,I don ’t keer a durn .
“Well,arter the supper things wer put away, an ’
the
cows milkt,I hi lt the calves off by the tail, tu make
mysef useful ; Wirt an’me by golly
,an
’ Wirt’s wife,
an’W at Mastin wen t over tu the blackberry patch, tu in o
TRAPPING A SHERIFF. 263
ish iate ole Boltin intu the seekrit ove home-made durnashun . The moon wer
’bout four days old ; yu cudscarcely tell a man frum a stump
,sixty yards off han ’
,
arter night farly sot in ; J i s ’ the kine ove a n ight fursly meetins ur stealin , fur the yeath .
“W e’d scasely got thingsfix
’
d an oursefs hid seperit
when we hearn his ole hosses huffs soundin on the hardroad. That soun ’ stopt
,an
’
torreck ly we hearn a
low,partridge whistil , Whee-chee
,
’
Whee-chee,
’
Bob
t'
te,
’
tuther side ove the patch.
“ ‘Oh ! the d
’
um’
d ole fool,
’ sai d Wirt tu his wife.partridges don ’t whistil arter m’
ght.’
Sez she,‘The whippoorwill wud be better
,
’
an’
she
wh istil’
d ‘wt -
poor-wz
'
ll in her froat sumhow,so like
that I thot I seed the spot onder one ’s wings.“OleDoltin tuck hit up an ’
an swered,cummin n igher
‘whippoorw’illi’ Purty soon we seed him
,loomin big
up agin the sky. He’
d wh istil an’ listen
,an
’cum a
l ittil,steppin saft es a cat Whee-chee
,
’ ‘whee-clwe,
’
‘wee-chee,
’ whistled Missis Staples,so low an
’ sweet yujis’ cud hear hit. The tone of that whistil sed ‘
cum
lov,
’ ‘cum lov,’ so plain I cud scarcely sit still myself.
I swear,I thot I hearn his heart cit-bea lin . I j is ’ know ’
d
m ine wud a been a-
poundin like the devil a-beatin tan
bark,ef I ’d been a-spcetin what he wer.
”
Stop a momen t,Mr. Lovingood
,
” said an o ld batchelor
,an old field schoolmaster
, who was one of Su t’s
auditory, “allow me to in terrupt you , that I may more
264 TRAPPING A SHERIFF.
clearly comprehend your story. What was this Mr.
Dalton in expectation of
Sut looked up at the overhanging elm boughs,and
said carelessly,
“Oh,nufiin but his note
,I Speck. Say
yu thar mister a-b ab,is the fool-killer in the parts yu
cum frum,duin h i s J uty, ur is he ded ?
I never saw such a personage.
I thot so,by the j inglin Jehosephat
The old gen tleman turned to me and asked in a oonfi
den tial whi sper,IS not that person slightly deranged ?”
“Oh,no
,not at al l
,he is on ly troubled at times with
viol en t attacks of durn ’
d fool. ”“He is laboring under one n ow
,is he not ?
I nodded my head. Go on,Su
When ole Doltin got wifin ten steps,Missis Staples
stopt forrid outen the briars,wif her bon net sorter over
h er face. He j is’ gin a low, gurgl in sort ove bray, an
’
SDrung squar at her. He grabbed her in his armsa-dartin his ole pouch
’
d out mouf at her face,like a
blue crane sen ’s his bill arter minn ers ; sh e a-dodgin so
that every dip hit the bonnet Sez he,My dear Mar
garet,what makes you so skittish
,tu-n ight Don
’tbe
W at Mastin hed closed his paw on tn the knot ovehis n eck hanketcher, an ’
comenc’
d a-twis’
in hit hard.
“ ‘Yu infurn el ole scoundril,I’
se cotch yu at las.’
What’s yu a-duin wif my wife ? ’‘Nuf —nufin. Yer—yer wife, got her coatail tangled
266 TRAPPING A SHERIFF.
‘Mr. Boltin,I hes fotch yu that note yu rit tu Mary
Mastin,
’
in a seekrit sort ove whisper.
‘Never mine hi t now, Mister Lovingood, n evermine, I’se pow
’flbusy J i s ’ now ; sum uther time
’
l l du .
’
Sez I,Yumu s
’. take hit n ow. Yu talked ove j ugin
me’bout the durn ’
d thing. Yere hit is,an
’ I reach’
d
hi t forrid,an
’
W at grabbed h it Ole Boltin groan ’
d.
Sez W at,a-rubbin hit onder Doltin ’
s snout,
‘tha t
’
s
testermony ontu yu , yu dam o le raskil .’
‘Yas,
’
sezWirt,a-pin tin tu Susan
,
‘an thar stan s’ one
h undred and twen ty poun’
s more testermony.
’
She purtended to cry,“
an’
she sed,
‘Oh,Mister Dol J
tin,what made yu u se me so
I wish I may drap dead ef ever I used yu at al l,
’
sed Doltin , right quick.
Yu hes ruinated me,Mister Doltin .
’
I n ever,
’ said Doltin .
An’
yu n ever fotch me— no—no—sh -sh -al l arteral l hu
,hu
,hu an
’
she wiped her eyes.I don ’t owe you no shawl ; wish I may drap dead
in a minu t ef I dus. ’
Hu,hu
,h u
,
’
sez she,
‘
yu never gin me a thing yet,yu dratted stingy hog, yu .
’
I swar he werthe wust befoozeled man I ever saw ;
he rub’
d his eyes wif his fis,
’an
’ batted em a few times,
then he looked wi de open owl fashun,fus
’at wu n an
then at tuther,like he ’d been dreamin a orful n ight-mar
,
an’
wurn’t sure whether he wer awake yet. Susan , still
267
aa zryin , an
’
a-talkin ’
bout bevin his heart’s blood.ltellin Missis Boltin
,ki llin hersef
,an
’ I don o what al l.A gran ’ tho ’t now struck im
,an
’he J l s
’
roar’
d,
‘ I is thehigh sheriff ove this coun ty
,an
’ I cuman ds thepeace.
’
W urn’
t that a smashin lick ?Sez W irt
,
‘Strip,high sheriff ove this coun ty ; 1’se
gwine tu hang yu dorg fashun. W at, han’me that rope.
’
Th e blu sterin ole bell wether j is’ wilted down ’
an’
sot in tu stri ppin slow, an’
a-beggin , an’
a-
promis in , an’
a-makin money offers,we helpin h im tu du his shuckin.
I foun ’
a par ove wimin’
s shoes,h is buckskin gloves an ’
a smel lin bottil in his coat pookit. Missis Staples sliptoff tu the hous ’
,when the strippin begun ,
an’ I don ’
t
blame her.
“Well,when we got al l off but h is shut an ’ shoes
,
’
Wirt sl ipp’
d the noose in wun aind ove the rope overhi s head
,an
’ thar wer tied tu tu ther aind a ball ovetow soaked in tupen tin e es big es a half bushel
,wifout
his seein hit. I’d fotch a par ove wile,vigrus, skeer
’
d
tom-cats in “
each aind ove a bag, wif leather cul lars, ana big fish -hook sowed tu each cullar by a foot ove
strap. While Wirt wer fixin the noose. so es n ot tuchoke
,I Slipp
’
d up ahine him,an
’ hooked a cat tu eachcorner ove his Shu tail , a-holden em off ; he wer so
trimbl in an’ skeered he didn ’t feel me. While I wer
duin this,W at struck a match an
’ lit the tupentine,
sayin‘ I means tu toas ’ yu es yu swings, yu dam malea
268 TRAPPING A SHERIFF.
I J IS’ craned forrid
,an
’ whispered intu hisfactory.
year‘Bulge squar fur the briars, they won
’t foller in thar.
’
By the great golly,when he hearn that sentimint,
cuppled es hit werwifWat’s toastin idear,he J IS made a
rale hoss lunge,an
’
I drap’
t the ca ts . W un tuck up hisbar back
,a -hau l in up arter him the n oth corn er ove the
shu tail onder-handid,an
’
tuther wun tuck down histhigh
,a-haul in the souf corn er ove the shutail arter him.
They pulled agin each uther like ontu two wile steersin a yal ler
-jackids nes’
. The cat a-gwine up hill,made
the ole feller tote that side,an
’Shoulder sorter ahead
ove tu ther,like he wer lean in frum a hot fire. The
cat gwin e down hill,made h im lift that laig like a
spring-hal ted hoss,on ly a heap fas ter
,while the briars
hook in h im everywhar, made h im dodge all over,every
way at on st Frum h is moshun s,he mout a-been
pu ssessed wif the devil, pow’
ful ly. Yu n ever seed sichlap
-sided,high up
,low down
,windin about
,jerkin
,
oneven runn in in the world,but every durned step ove
hit wer strait away frum whar we wer, squar thru thebriar patch. The tupen tine lit up a bright road ahinehim
,kivered wif broke down an
’ tore up briars,
'
an’ his
white shut,an
’the cats ’ eyes ’
zembled a flag ove truce,
kivered wif l itn in -bugs. 1 think I n ever seed es menycat’s-eyes in es many places afore
,tu be no more cats
than thar wer ; tails too, wer ruther numerous,an
’
sor
ter swelled,an
’ claws a plen ty. The n oise h e mader
270 TRAPPING A SHERIFF.
the . Shut an ’
a-tarin big fight imejun tly foller’
d,aindin
in tu ther cat cumin down a spell. Whi le they wer bofup thar atwixt Doltin an
’ his Shut,he look
’
d pow’
fu l
hump-back’
d,an
’
lordamity! how low he’d run then.
Sweet Margery ! j is’ think ove two agravated on san ti o
fied he cats at y earn is’
war,makin yer bar-back thar
hattil groun,an
’
pendin on yer hide fur a ll thar foot
holts. I swar hits a rale red-pepperwaknin idear, J IS
’ tuthi nk ove, wifou t a cat in a mile—jewil lekin s ! The
eyes an ’ tails wer dreadful tu behole,an
’ thar groaninan
’
Spittin beat cats when they’
se courtin,wus nur they
dus city folks at the samework.
“Mary hed hearn the noise,an
’ seed the lite,so she
cum tn the gate,j is ’ es the o le exhited fernomenon tore
apas ’. She fotch a scream.
‘Dear bless us ! what’s al l that ? Oh,mammy
,run
out yere quick,an
’
see the devil a-chasin whippwil ls.’
“When she sed that,Doltin tho ’t ove the wh ippor
will he’d hearn at the briar-patch,an
’b
’
leved Mary wermixed up wif the thing, an ’
he sobbed out‘Oh yu dam
’
saitful b—h,this is yure work.
Oh,mammy
,mammy
,that’s poor Mister Doltin ’
s
voice,as sure as yu ar born
’
d ! the poor dear man’s ded
,
an’ that’s h im. Ole Smutty
’
s arter, wif a torch ove
hell-fire. I dus wonder what he’s been duinShe sed thi s sorter whiffli n. I put my han roun
my monf, an’
bel lered thru em in the mos’ doleful way
yu ever hearn , frum the thicket
TRAPPING A SHERIFF . 271
Margarit Mastin,the lawfal wife ove Watson Mas
tin,the blacksmith
,prepar tu go down whar thar’s no
Sly courtin , nur rar ripe garden -seed . Margarit,thar’s
rath tu cum, yer crap
’s laid by,prepar
,
’
an’ I groaned.
“She arched her naik,an
’ tuck a wild blazin lookover at the thicket
,like she wer studyin
’bout sumthi n ,
ah’
sez she,short an ’
vigrus
‘Durn my soul ef I go a step,
’an
’
J i s’ busted thru
the standi n corn like a runaway hoss. Thinks I,that
ar blade wil l n ever git rel igun frum a skeer. The ole
’
oman got tu the door,j is ’ in time tu hear the las
’
words,an
’
the soun Mary made a-tarin thru the corn.
She wer a-
pin n in up her frock-bussum Sez I,doleful
‘Peggy Jan e,my b
’
loved wife, I se in hell, a-suf
ferin fur robbin the peddl er ; ya made me da hit .” Sez
She
“Sammy,I didn
’
t ; I on ly tole yu we needed histruck ’
Sez I
‘Fetch me sum warter,fur my tung
’s parch’d wif
fervent heat. ’ Sez she
Thar’s a spring back ove the ridge thar,
’
(that wera cussed l ie.) Sez I
I’
m a-cummin fur a gourd. ’ Sez she
Thar’s nara gourd yere.
’
Dam ef she didn ’t histal l her coats
,haf afoot abuv her knees
,an
’ tuck thruthe co
’
n too.
“I wen t in tu the cabin , drawed ‘
one ove Dol tin ’
s
gloves on tu littil Rar Ripe’s head
,fur a n ight-cap. Hits
272 TRAPPING A SHERIFF.
name wer prin ted wif ink roun the wris’
; this wentroun hits forrid ; tuther glove I put in Wat’s overcoat
pockid, a -hangin on the wall,moun ted the hoss
,an
’
tuck acrost the ridge tu head off Dol tin at the ferry.
The ferryman’s ole whipporwill wife hearn the noise
ove his cumin , an ’ seed the lite shin in fiu the winder.So she boun ced outen bed in her Shiftail
,an
’
run tu tiiedoor. Sez She
‘Laws a massy ! ole man,git up quick
,an
’set em
over ; make haste,ur they’ll swim. The big show’s
a -cumin i n a hurry,fur yere’s the rhionoserenus aready
,
an’ lots ove monkeys clost ahin e h im
,an
’the big Bar
n um Bengal lite arter them. Good lordy ! what tails !grashu s me
,what a noise ! marcy
‘ful hevings, what abelly ! an ’
Oh,lord a massy on my poor soul !
sakes alive ! ’“She pernounced these las
’ words like she wer pow’
fu l shamed,an
’ I speck the fool wer,fur she pulled up
what She tuck tu be her aprun , an’kivered her face
,
an’ shet the door wif a snap
,an
’
lef hersef on the outside.
I hol ler’d ‘H igheré—yer forrid ain ’t kivered yet.
’
She
run roun the chimley outen sight,still boldin up her
aprun .
Doltin fiew apas ’,shot down the bank
,run thru the
ferryboat an ’
plouted off the fur aind head fust in tuthe river. When he got farly tu swimin
,hit wer cum
furtin an”n ice tu look at frum a high pin t. He swum
breas’ high fur tuther bank, and the durn’
d cats,con e
274 TRAPPING A SHERIFF .
an’ hearn the tobish
,tobish shew ! ove the steam. (Oats,
George,by golly ! nufiin but cats ) What a thundrin
liar that man mu s’
be ; but lyin’
s born’
d wif sum folks,
j is like squin t-eyes. While his wife wer ilin ove historn hide
,an
’a checkerin his back wif stri pes ove
court-plarster, she axed him how so much fur cum tube stick in tu his woun s. He sed the hoss run thru a
hatter’s Shop wif ’
im. Warn’t that right down shifty ?
“Then sez She,
‘Yer shut an ’
yu bof smell sorter catty, strong like. When she hi n ted at cats
,he rar
’
d up onaind
,lookin wild roun the room ; sez he, Whar
’
s eny
ca ts
“George,them ar tom-cats mus
’
a-scratched in tu hisconshun s afore they died, fur he J i ned chuch j is
’
es soonhe got abil tu walk thar. Hits strange, hain t hi t ? In .
ole times I hearn tell they hed cities whar fellers runtu
,an
’
wer safe arter they ’d dun sum pow’
ful devilmin t. ”
“Yes,Sut ; cities of refuge.
Well,durn my rags ef gittin ove religun ain ’t the
city ove rayfuge now-a-days ; yu J IS’
let a raskil git
h issef cotch,an
’
mau l’
d,fur hi s dam meanness
,an
’
he
j ines chuch J i s’es soon es he kin straitch his
face long enuf tu fill the pius standurd,an
’ that’seighteen inches fur lean peopil , an
’
fourteen fur fat
on es. I hes a city ove ~ rayfuge mysef, what I allerskeeps along wif me
,
”and Sut looked down proudly
and fondly at his legs.
TRAPPING A SHERIFF . 275
. I furgot tu menshun a day ur two arter the cat
race,I met up wif W at Mastin at the store. He mo
shuned me reun back eve the heus ’. Sez he
‘Sut,hell ’s tu pay at our heus ’. Mary ’s been hid
ou t sumwhar till this mernin . She cum up draggil’
d
an’ hungry
,an
’ won ’t say a durn’
d word. An’
ole
Missis McKildrin’
s plum gone.
’
Sez I
‘Ain ’t yu glad ?’
He stretched his monf intu the wides ’ smile yu
ever seed,an
’
slappin me on the back,sez he
‘ I is,by golly
Then he lookt serious wif his head down. Sez
he
‘Doltin mu s’
be a pew’
ful parseverin man when hesets his head fur enything.
’
Sez I
‘W'
hy
Caze don ’t yu think, wif them cats, an’ that Skeer
,
an’ that burtin
,an
’ us arter ’
im,tu hang ’
im es he tho ’t,
he tuck time tu stop an ’
see Mary Sez I
‘Oh no
Yes he did, fur I foun one eve his gloves in myovercoat peckid, an
’he
’
d gin tuther one tu the baby,
fur a n ight-cap.
’
George,W at Mastin hes a right thick streak eve
durn’
d feel in h im,sure es yu are bern ’d.
“Bout three days arter seein W at I meets up wit
Mary on the read. She wer swingin her sun -bonni t
afore her by the strings,walkin fas’ an ’ lookin down at
the greun . Sez I
276 TRAPPING A SHERIFF.
Mernin ! Missis Mastin ; I hes lost two pew ’
fulfine cats hes yu seed enything eve
’
em reun yere ?’
Sez she,an
’her eyes blazed
‘ I hope they ar in hell,whar yu ought tu be
, yu
infunel mischief-make yu“The
’
eman sartin ly'
hes got sumfin agin me. I
wonders what hi t kin be ?”
DAD’
S DOG-SCHOOL.
permiskusly, a-soltin an
’
a-
pepperin the job wif red hot
ravenus hemeade cussin, yu growl like on tu a dorg
a -heldin on tu a hanketcher,ur a rag, an
’
yu’
ll mon s’onssoon see a bal
’-headed man hot enuf tu fry Spit. Hits a
pew’
ful del ikit ’sperimen t tu try an’ git out wifout a
scab abuv yer years. Be purfeckly redy tu run es
seen es yu growl, ef yu don’t,h it
’
ll rain on yu bad
Sures ’ way is tu growl arter yu hes started, an’
ef yu’smons
’
eu s fas’
on fee t yu may ven ter tu holler, ‘Sick’im Sugar ! ’ but be keerfu l I
’
se seed hit tried.
“Yu see when I wer ’beut sixteen,Steve Crawley
gin me a bull pup, the culler eve rich cream,whi te on
der the belly, an ’
on th e lower aind eve the laigs, bluesnout
,red eyes
,wrinkl
’
d forrid,an
’ show ’d his teef evenwhen he wus sleepin. Ugly as a she he
’
n et,an
’ brave esa trap ’t rat. Dad tuck pow
’
ful ly tu’
im,
’caze thar naterswer sorter like, I reckon . He wer the on ly critter Iever knew’
d dad tu be good tu, an’
narra pusson yet.“Late one S aturday
, we set in an’k ill
’
d a-tarin bigblack an
’ white yearl in bul l beastes, an’on Sunday
mernin , arter gittin a big bellyfu l eve fried liver an ’
chopp’t inyun s, dad set down on tu the cabin swps, in
the sun , a-
playin wif‘Sugar
,
’ that wer the pup ’s name.
I wer moun ted en tu the fence a-shavin seed-ticksofenmy laigs wif a barlow kn ife, an ’
mam wer in the yardsittin on tu th e half-bushel wif three ur four eve the
childers’ heads in her lap, bizzy rite in the middi l eve
a big still hun t arter in sex . At las ’,sez dad
DAD’
S DOG-SCHOOL. 279
Su t, s’pese yu tote Sugar eff wif yu down tn the
crick tu keep ’
im frum foll erin eve me,an
’seein what
I dus. Yu cum back when yu hears me beller likeon tu a yung bull, an ’ I ’ll larn yer dorg tu hole on. I
’
se
J i s’ studied ou t the bes
’
way in creashun tu make ’
im
held tu enyth ing outil bun ty hens sprouts tails. Thisyere day’s werk ’
l l be the makin eve the pup.
’
‘How on the yeath , dad, will yu da hit ?’
sez I.Dad get up an
’ cotch a big hanfu l eve britchesahi n e
,atwixt the wais ’bun an
’the fork
,rayther n igher
the fork the’
,an
’
arter ginin hi ssef a few good holesumscratchin rubs
,sed
‘Jis ’ so ; I’ ll make yer sis Sall, thar, sow me up in
Suggins’
s hide, (that wer the yearl in
’
s name,
’
mine yin)an
’ I’ll play he '
ned cattil rite squar intu Sugar’s han
,
whil e yu sicks’
im on,an
’
ef yu dus the sickin part likeyu erter
,h it
’
ll be the makin eve that ar pup. Whenhe gits a savi n helt ontu the hide
, yu seize his tail, an ’
sorter pul l ’im back
,but don ’t yu break the helt, ef yu
dus yu spil es a dorg, an’ when I cums outen the hide
,
dam ef I don ’
t spile yu.
’
“Mam cracked a insex vigrus ly atwixt her thumbs,
an’ then wiped her nails entu her gown along her
thighs,an
’
sez she
‘Geed law sakes ! new fur more onan imated’
feelishness. Hu ever hearn eve the likes bein dun by thedaddy eve a famerly, an
’
h im a bal’-headed man et
that,a-shedin his har fur the grave. Lovingood
, yu’
ll
280 DAD’
S DOG-SCHOOL.
keep on wif yer devilmint an’n on sense
,on til yu fetch
the day eve j edgement on tu our bar heads sum n ight,
kerthrash,afore hits time
,ur sum uther ailmen t—col
erym measils—pel lygamy , u r sum sich lik e
, J IS’
see ef
yu don’t,an
’ then yu’
ll run,an
’ leave me tu fight hitout by mysef, yu know yu will. New j is’ quit
,an
’
let that ar blasted reun -headed pup edecate h issef likeyer uther childer dus.
’
‘Shet up that ar snagy feedin-hole eve yuru
, yu
durn’
d ole she hempbrake ; y u’
d’pose my gwine tu
heaving,I raley du b ’leve
,
’
sez dad.
‘Ne I won ’t : ’ sez mam,shakin her head.
‘Yu’
l l
never try tu du that,’
an’
she pean er’
d her fingers dewn
thru the har,along the side eve one eve the childer’s
heads,clest arter a knowin ole in sex
,what hed been
raced before ; he wer aimin fur the wrinkil ender theyear-flap, but he n ever get thar ; he get h issef bustedlike on tu a ’cussien -cap,
’beut a Inch an’
a’
alf frum hisden.
‘New,
’sez dad
,a-turn in tu me
,still a-rubbin Slow
wif the hanful eve britches, yu see
,Sut
,he ’ll git good
hel ts ontu the hide,smell the blood
,an
’ larn the natereve the varmint he ’s a-cen tendin wif. I ’ll beller an
’
make b ’leve I’se a-tryin tu git loose’
t,but not ack cow
fur enuf tu tar leose’
t,ur dishartin
’
im. Better nur
gwine tu school tu aYankee cuttin -box’
oman,a durn
’
d
site ; an ’In a mon th
,j is’ let ole widder Bradly ’s cow
jump in tu the eabbiges agin,ef she’s fond eve freezin
282 DAD’
S DeG-SCHeeL.
th e J inglin Jehesaphat ! thinks I, an’
Sugar cock ’
t his
years an ’
bark’
d.
“Dad hed fee l ’d the dorg. The on ly livin thing Iever know’
d’
im tu feel,
’sceptin a n ew doggery-keeper
now an’ then
,an
’mam
,she sed he feel ’d her pew ’
fulon st
,that wer when she swore hersef tu be the mammy
eve hi s brats.“Well
,thar he wer in the yard on tu hi s al l fours
sow’
d up body an’
sou l in the raw hide,hary side ou t
,an
he’
d tuck off every durn ’
d stich eve his close. I the ’t
pew’
fully how my Seltin the hide wer gwin e tu workarter the Show begun tu be exh itin
,an
’dad begun tu
sweat Sall hed sew’
d his han s plum up in tu the hideeve the fore laigs, an
’
the loose huffs wer floppin an’
crackin about below em es he walked,u r paw
’
d up dus ’“She hed turn
’
d the head an’ ho ’
n s back,raw side
ou t,es high es dad ’s eye-brews
,an
’ tied the n ose tu then aik
,so he cud see the in imy. His facewer smeer
’
d wif
the bleed an’fat
,the tail trail ’d arter him sorter dead
like,his sturn wer way up yander, his hin e laigs bein
longer nur h is fore wu n s, an ’ takin the si te al tugether
hit eudn ’
t be beat,fur a big
,ruff
,skeery
,thing ou ten
hell ur a mad-heus ’
I seed mam a-pullin up a bean -pole in the garden,
an’arter tarin off the vines she set hit up in the
chimbley corner wifout dad ’s n otisin hi t. I whispered‘What’s yu gwine tu du wif that ar pole ? gwi nea-fishi n
,say mam ?
’
Sez she
DAD’
S DOG-SCHOOL. 283
‘I’
se gwine tu play ‘She hempbrake’
wif hit en tuthat ar raw-hide
,arter a while.
’ Th en she wen t an ’
stud in the deer,wif her han s on tu her hips
,an
’
the
childer moun ted the fen ce.
Well dad,
’sez I
,
‘ is yu good ready ? shall I sick’im on ?
’
“Dad wer fear’
d Sugar’
d fine ou t the trick,an
’
wudn’
t speak,but j is’ nodded his head
,an
’ durn ef he
even di dn ’t du hit like ontu a bul l.“I straddl ed Sugar
,patted him on tu the ribs
,an
’
sez
I ‘Sick ’
im bey,’
an’
the dorg went squar in . Dad sor
ter bern’d at ’
im an’blew
’
d. Sugar flew reun,an
’my
dad flew reun ; the tail tra il ’d limber an’ lazy
,an
’
tangled sumtim es amung dad ’s hine laigs. Sugar,
a -hun tin fur the right spot tu bite, dad ’tendin like hedidn ’t wan t ’im tu fine h it The pup made‘
a gran rush,
an’
get a helt n i on tu the root eve the tail, an ’
set h is
sef back My dad kick ’
d wif bof hine laigs es quickan
’
vigrus es a muel,an
’ ’stead eve bel lerin,es he erter
,
he shouted ou t right plain , ‘Oh hell-fire He hed
kicked the pup plum in tu the hous’
,atwixt mam
’slaigs. Sez I
Dad,tha t won ’t da ; that warn
’t cow-k ick in at al l,
them ’s rale stud-hoss licks. Yu ’
ll never be the makineve the pup, ef yu poun s
’
im that ar way.
’
‘Make hell sez dad,
‘ thi s hide hain t es thickbout the tail es hit erter be fur a yearlin
’
s,an
’he tried
tu rub hissef back thar, Wif his fore laig, but the loose
284 DAD’
S Dee -SCHOOL.
huffs flepp’
t about so,an
’ his hans bein sewed up,
he
didn ’t du hit tu suit h issef much,so he backed agin
the fence,an
’
rubbed hi s rump agin the aind eve a
rail,hog fashun
,up an
’ down wif a jerk, yu knew.
‘Is Sugar’s teef sharp, ole man ?’
sez mam,sorter
keerless like.
‘Hew du I kn ew,
’ growled dad,
‘hits none eve
yure bisness,nohow
, yu durn’
d ole par eve warpin-bars
,
what du yu know’beut the makin eve pups ? ’
“Mam sorter glanced at the bean -pole,but sed nufiin.
Sugar wer sittin on tu hi s tail,his head an
’
fore laigs
stuck out frum ender mam’s frock-hem
,whar da d hed
sen t ’im
,lookin sorter like he hedn ’
t made up his mineadzackly what wer bes
'
tu du .
“I cotch ’
im by the nap eve the naik,an
’ drug ’
im
out,an
’
Sick’
d’
im on agin. Durn my Shut ef he hadn ’tbeen studyin tu sum pupus while he wer ender mam
’scoatails, fur he made his rush at tuther aind this time.
Sez I
‘Den’t dodge dad
,the hide’s' thicker ’beut the
he ’
n s then hit am ’bout the tail. I ’d scarcely spoke,
when I hearn Sugar’s jaws snap. The yearl in’
s tailwarn ’t draggin lazy n ew. Hit wer stiff strait ou t
,way
high up, an ’sweepin the air clar eve insex
,al l reun the
yard. Jis’ then I wudn ’
t a-tuck ten dul lers fur my dorg.
‘Baw aw sez dad.
Yearl in fur the yeath, adzackly Yu mocks thatvoice better n ur yu dus thar kickin ,
’
sez I.
286 DAD’
S Doe- seHoeL
Shun,arter us
,an
’ our famerly devarshun sure enuf;armed wif a hyme book
,an
’ leaded tu the muzzil witbrimstone
,bilin pitch , forkid flames
,an
’ sich uther.nicitys es makes up the devil ’s brekfus ’, an ’
sum eve
hit am gwine tu be ladled out tu us,rite now,
ef the
Squ ire ’s face “
am tu be trus ted es a Sign. Hit lookedjis’ like he
’
d Swal ler’
d a
.
terbacker-wum,dipp
’
d in
aquafortis,an
’
cudn’
t vomit. Even his pius ole hossshow ’d a grieved
’
Spirit frum foretop tu l ip A appertite
tu run began tu gn aw my stumick,an
’ I felt my facea-swel lin wif shame. I wer shamed eve dad
,shamed
eve mam’s bar laigs an
’
open collar, shamed eve mysef;an
’dam
,ef I minds right
,ef I warn ’t a mossel shamed
eve the pup. But when I seed the squar, blazin leekmam met him wif
,I made up my min e ef she cud stan
the storm,I cud
,an
’
so I didn ’t run that timeg nara
duru ’d step.
“Squire Han ley wer one eve the wenderfulest men .
in al l my knowin. He wore a hat ten years,an
’
were
a n ail in the chuch wall bright,a-hangin hit on. He
wore a hol ler spot in the Side eve hi s walkin -stick, wif
his finger allers tetchi n the same place,an
’he were
anu ther greasy holler in on e eve the groanin bainches,
n i on tu the noth corner eve the pul pit, j is
’ like the sittin hele in a shoemaker’s steel
,only hit warn ’t lined
wif leather. His pea-sticks wer shed wif' spikes, hisfire weed wer elar eve knots es waggen timber, hishens never laid on a Sunday
,an
’
se t when he to ld em
DAD’
S DOG—SCHOOL. 287
to . He gin the hole eve Sunday tu the Lord,an
’
shaved notes two days ender the skin eve weekly days,
an’
allers made the feller what got shaved, wait an ’ gitprayed fur
,an
’
he threw’
d intu the bargin a track ur
two,about the van ity eve layin up store goods on
yeath , fur the moths et the broadcloths,an
’
the thievesstole tuther things. He toted the manny-puss eve thechuch
,an
’ histed the tchun es an’
the backsliders. He
wer secon enj ineer eve a mersheen,made outen a mess
eve sturgeon -backed,sandy-heeled ole maids
,devarsed
wives,ur wimen what erter been wun ur tuther ; an
’
uther thin minded pusson s, fur the pupus, es they sed,
eve squelchin sin in the neighborhood,amung sich
domestic heathins es us,but raley fur the mindin gin
er’
lly eve everybody else ’s bisness. I forget tu men shun
h is nose,hit wer his markin feetur ; n o uther mortil
ever hed heart tu tote j is ’ sich anu ther nose. The skinofen hit wud a-kivered a saddil
,an
’
wer j i s’
the riteculler fur the j ob, an ’
.the holes looked like the bow
ports eve a gun-boat. He waded in -
onst tu step a bigfite at muster
,i n a Christian way, an
’a feller broke a
dorg-wood hanspike ur a chesnut fence-rail,I’
se forgotwhich
,acrost that nose
,an
’ twen ty-seven bats,an
’
three kingfishers flew outen hit. The lick onl y madethe Squire blow hit tolabil strong
,scatterin reun a peek
eve cobwebs, an’
muddauber’
s n estes,an
’
he wen t ona-stopin eve the fite. He
“
wer on his way tu chuch thatmern in
,an
’ hearin orful senns,he s truck thru the
288 nAn’
s DOG-SCHOOL.
bushes tu ’zamine in tu hit,bein his ju ty es greaser eve
the squelchin s’
ciety.
“H is hoss wer eve a pius turn eve mine, ur ole
Haney wu nd’t a-keep him a day. Nobody ever seedhim kick
,gallop
,j ump a fence
,smell uther hosses
,ur
chaw a bridil . He wer n ever hearn squeal,belch
,ur
make eny on sightly soun ,an
’ ’side al l them marks,he
~hed scabs on tu his knees an ’mud en
‘
his snout Min e
yu , I speaks eve the karacter eve the hoss afore,an
’ uptu arter breakfus’ that Sunday mern in . nuffin more
,fur
I show ’d him that day tu be es durn’
d a ole h iperkrit
es ever toted a saddil , ur-
a hyme book. His wick id
kareer ainded in a tan -vat an’
the buzzards clean ’
d hisbones. That orful Sunday Shook even the Squire ’sb’
lief on sum pin ts eve herearter. He now thinks,they
erter take folks in hell,like they dus in tu chuch
,six
mon ths on trial,an
’ that the vartue eve the thing betried imejuntly on me
,an
’
mam. He b ’leves we ’dbefmake ’
tarn ity members easy.
He rid up tu the fence keerful ly, drap’
t the rein s,
hilt up his han s,an
’
sez he
‘Furgivin Father abuv ! what’s am yu tormen tin
them ar two varmin ts fur,on the Lord ’s Holy Sabbath ?
Say, 0 ye enregenerits,whar’
the patriark eve this de
praved famerly‘Loek a-yere
,Squire Haney,’ sez mam
,
‘I’
se hits
patri ark j is’
n ew ; mos’eve the time I
’
se hits tai l,I
kn ows,but on e thi ng sure
, yu’
d bes’
trot along tu yer
290 DAD’
S DeG-seHeeL.
eve his tail,an
’the Squire’s. The shock bret his
tail warter tite atwixt his laigs, an’
every stickeron the burr wer buried tu the butt in hoss-moat
,ur
hoss-tail.“He kicked one pupendicler kick, es high es the
cabini
ch imly. I seed the hole laingth eve his bellyeven tu the susingil buckil frum behine
,an
’ sure enufI hearn the Squire’s coffee sloshin his chaw
’
d ch ickin
an’ hard biled aigs
’beut pew’
ful.W e yu l sirr,
’
sez he.
That ar las’
observashun am no u se,Mister
Haney,
’
sez I. Anuther ki’ck strait up at the sun .
‘W e yu orful ole feel. ’ Sez I
He can’
t we,Squire
,he
’
s a-gittin happy,an
’ that’shoss way eve sheutin .
’
Atwixt the kicks,he
’
d rise all fours frum the yeath ,’bout a foot
,bouncin way, an
’ lite in the same tracks,
a-sweatin reun the eyes,wif a snort fur every boun ce
an’
a grun t wif every kick. Then he made a gudgeoneve his fore laigs, an
’ kicked a plum suckil wif his hineones. Ef the air cud be prin ted on , yu ’d a-seed a ringeve hoss shoe marks, twen ty foot acrost, eleving high,an
’ j is’ ’beut a han an’
a half apart,heels al l pintin tu
the cen ter.“The Squire get a good pullin helt wif wun han ,on tu th e crupper
,an
’a-pushin wun wif tu ther, in the
mane,while he set his stirrips
’
way forrid apas ’ Balleye’s bitts. Hit kep me pew’
ful bizzy tu watch the
DAD’
S DOG-SCHOOL!
dorg makin an’
ole Haney ’s happy hoss,bef on em wer
makin things happin so durn ashu n fas’
.
‘Tru s ’ freely in heving Squire es long es crupperhelt lasts I think hit’l l hold a hour ur so yet, fur Isee the pin t eve h is tail laid clest tu his belly a -tetchin
the girth,
’
sez mam.
‘Then pick a spot bar eve rocks fur yure profile tustrike
,
’
sez I. That wer a pew’
ful cumfurtin remarkeve mine
,an
’
wer seun doctrin tee,warn ’t hit ?
‘W e we sirr, (a kick) ya blas ted feel, (a kick) we !(a kick.) Thinks I
,thar that ar kick
wer a interpersisien ,fur hit kep the Squire frum plain
cu ssin .
‘Sum eve yu (a kick) ketch hes bitts , (a kick.)‘Better pray fur a anvil tu cleave ontu his tail
,a
I say , yu in
geckde lagin big anvil,
’
sez mam.
‘Hit’
l l cum if ya ax
hit, yea verily.
’
Jis ’ then Ball-eye findin his in imy tu be kick-proof,
his faith gin out He tuck a skeer,an
’
sot in tu gittinaway
,in a style no hoss ever used afore. The gait he
picked out fur the’casion
,warn ’t jis’ the thing fur
leavin wrath,ur tribulashun wif
,I don ’
t think ; tharwarn ’t enuf strait ahead leavin in h it
,hit wer a
’sertmint made up_
-. ove dromedary gallop
,snake sl idin
,side
windin,an
’
ole Firginey j ig, tetched off wif a sprinkil
eve quadrille,step’t eff infunely fas
’fur a pius-minded
hoss on a Sunday.
’
Bout every thu ty yards, he’
d mix
in a kick,aimed at the back eve the Squire ’s head
Es soon es he farely started,m am hollered
292 DAD S DOG-SCHOOL.
Squire,when yu calls fur the anvil
,moutent h it
be es well tu ax fur a leckchain,an
’
a interpersitien ,
tee . Yu don ’t kn ow what meut happen ; them ’s orfulstrange moshun s he ’s a-makin fur a pius hoss. ’
“Ole Haney hed grabbed his bridil fur steppin ur
steerin puposes, his hat wer jam’
d fast on the back eve
his short fat naik,an
’ceck
’
d sharp up ahine his years,red es a eeck
’
s comb,sot squar out ender the rim. His
elbows an’ tees wer wide apart
,like his hoss wer red
hot,an
’ duru ’d ef I don ’
t b ’leve he wer.“The las
’ words I hearn the Squire menshun es he
wen t outen site wer, New"I lay me down tu sleep.
’
“Thinks I,that’s a clest shot fur a eff-han prayer wif
wet powder,but hit am a imed a t the wrong board. A
man mu s’
a-had a pew ’
ful soun censhunce tu a-slept enes wide awake a hoss es ole Haney hed atwixt h is fatla igs
—a clar fall frum grace that hoss wer.
The engineer eve the sin squel shin mersheen wer
foun that artern eon in the lauril,amung the rocks on
the krick,an
’
every way fur thu ty foot, the groun werpaper
’
d wif tracks,an
’notes eve han . He wer hauled
heme on tu a ex slide ; Ball-eye wer sole at public outcry nex day at cert fur backsl idin an
’fallin frum grace
,
an’fe tch one du l lar an
’
eighty cen ts,on
’coun t eve hishide an
’ shoes. The burr wer sole an’ delivered wif ’
im,
still sunk ender his tail.The fust words I noticed cumin frum dad
,arter
Squire Haney lef us in that ar mes’
ennatral an’on
manerly way, wer
294‘
DAD’
S DOG-SCHOOL.
hi ts tarin,enyhow,
’
sed she.
‘I n ever will furgivemysef ef I lets this chance slip.
’
“She got the bean -pole,Spit in her han s
,clar
’
d the
chips frum ender her wif her feet,an
’as the two var
mints flew reun agin,she riz on her tip-tees
,an
’fotch
down the pole wif bof han s frum way up yander, an ’
laid ’bout four feet eve the aind es strait es a line frumthe root eve the hide ’s tail tu the ho ’
n s. Hit soundedlike bus tin open a dry poplar leg ; raised a stripe eve
dus’ tu the top eve the har,four in ches wide an
’ hitsmoked al l along thar, like hit wer afire. I j 1s
’ tho ’
t
jewhil l ikins’beut twiste.
“Dad squalled low ender hit,like a sore-back hoss
when yu’se a-meu n tin,an
’
es he flew reun agi n ,sez he
"Ell’
ire an’ ’amn ashu n
,
’et
’
s’
at ?’
Sez I
Nuflin ; but yu ’re knock’
d’ down th e martin ’s
gourd -pole,an
’ spilt the yung’
un s.’
“He tried tu rise tu the human way eve standin,
bu t the tassil a-hangin tu h is smel ler were too heavy,
an’the helt wer es tender es a sore eye. J is
’ then Iwudn
’
t a-tuck forty du l lars fu‘
r my dorg. Sez he
’Am ’
e’
artin ’
erd'
e le,an
’ ’
c’
unyun s’ee .
’
Then he tried sum fust rate overhanded knockinwif fus
’
on e fore laig, an’ then tu ther. He made the
loose huffs rattil ever Sugar’s rump,but he j is
’
sed
Ka l a,
’an
’ surged back tu his snout-pullin,an
’
reunan
’
reun they fly agin . What the devil they ’
spected
tu gain by that,I can ’t fur the life eve me tell
,but they
DAD’
S DOG-SCHOOL 295
seem’
d tu be greed ’beut hit enyhow,fur every time
Sugar started, dam ef dad didn ’t start too,so quick yu
cudn’
t say which made the fus’moshun . The selt
mix’d wif sweat, wer one eve dad ’s reason s fur not
stayin still much, I sorter think, an’a tender nose
made ’im foller Sugar’s lead quick. New
,warn ’t hit a
hell eve a fix fur a ill-n atered cuss like dad,hu allers
wad hev h is own way, tu be in ? Every time that mydad ’s tail cum to
’
ards mam,dewn cum the bean -pole
,
sure es sunrise, cherew ! soundin an’ lookin like beatin
carpets,an
’
feel in like spl ittin a body ’s back-bon e wif a
dull axe.
“Dad bli ne-folded es he wer, seen larn t the place inhis sarkit whar the l icks fel l
,an
’ by the jumpin Jinnyhe
’
d eummence squattin afore he get thar.
“I dunno how hit wer adzacly, but the wind sumhew gethered atwixt the hary side eve dad’s hide
,an
’
the raw side eve the yearl in’
s ; an’
every lick mam
isshood tu ’iin wif that ar n ever-tire bean -pole
,hit
wud bust ou t at the sowin,pew’
ful suddin,soundin loud
an’ doleful. Mam smiled. every time she hearn hit.That ar yearl in mu s
’
a-hed the col ic afore hit werkill
’
d,
’sed sis Cal l imy Jane. She ’s allers sayin sum
durn’d feel thing
,hevin no barin on the case.
‘Oh,hush
, yu l ittil narrer-tail’
d tucky h en,
’sed
brother Ben ton,
‘hits the on expectedn ess eve the cumineve that ar bea n -
pele.
’ ‘Ur the tetch in sensash un
arter hit dus cum,
’sed I mysef.
296 DAD’
S DOG-SCHOOL.
Mam al so tuck time tu spar Bent a fustwif her pole, cradlin fashun ! He wen t flyintracks over the fence, wif his han s flat on tuEs h e lit in the weeds
,sez he
‘ I wer right, by golly ! hit am the pole what dus
Cal l imy Jane,who wer a-lookin at Ben t while he werup in the air. like she wer a-l istn in
,chirped out
,
‘Ari
so wer I. ’ I tho ’t mysef I hearn Ben t’
s
’
gal lus buttons bust efl'. Jis’ es he started up
,he shet his mouth
,
j is’
in time tu ketch his heart.Cherew ! cum that eterni l wel lepin pole dewn agin
,
along dad. He farely bawl’
d
"On’
t’et up ’
at’
artin ’
ole eny’
ore, yu
’
am’
u leé. ’
I hain t se t the martin -pole up one time. Hitsmam what keeps a -settin hit up, an
’ hit won ’t stay
Quit, yu’
am’itch
,an
’let
’e
’e le l ie
,
’sez dad
Thar hit lies,
’an swered mam
,es she fetch hit down
along his back anuther rale saftn in swal lep. The dus ’
hed quite risin n ew,outen that ar skin . Sez I
‘Stan h it dad,stan hit like a man ; hit may be a
l ittil burtin tu yu , but dam ef hit ain ’t the makin eve
the pup. Stay wif that hide,Sugar
,my boy, yu
’
se
mity n i a deplemer’
d derg.
’
“Dad begun tu totter on his hine laigs ; his sturnwarn
’t way up yander, like hit wer when he fust open’
d
298 nAn’
S DOG-SCHOOL.
fore paws clean , a yearl in’
s huff,an
’ then pass’
d on in tuthe yeath, up tu the helve, an
’ thar hit step ’t. Sez
Thar,da rn ya
Sugar keeled over one way, an’
dad tuther. One
fain ted stiff,an
’tu ther ruinated furever
,es a dorg. I ’d
a -tuck a raggid ceunterfit du l lar on a wile cat-bank fu rhim now. That wer the liveliest Sunday I ever seedat home.
I cried rite peart,the
’
,es I flung a big rock wif a
strip eve bark tied reun hit intu the he ’
n et hole in the
c rick that n ight“What made you cry , Sut, was it your father
’s eondition ?”
“Father’s con -durnashun . I furgot tu men shun thatSugar wer fas ’ tu tu ther aind eve that ar strip eve bark.
W ho wan ted a three-footed dorg,wif no smel l in holes ?
I didn ’t. He wer the mes’
pufeck ly spiled pup in themakin I ever hearn tell eve. Mout a-loekt fu r a gin
eral durn ’
d ,momox in e ve things the ’
,when dad tuck
the job wif Squire Han ey tu help.
Boys, I’
se sleepy n ew ; yere’s wish in (Sut raised on
his elbow and held up h is flask to the light) yu al l
good dreams, an’
yu , George, may yu dream eve ewn in
three never-fail in springs, so clest tugether yu kin lay
on yure belly an’
reach em al l—the biggis’
wu n run
n in ole whisky, the middil one strained honey,an
’
the
leas’ an ’
las’ —celd warter, wif nara ‘
natral born duru’d
DAD’
S DOG-SCHOOL. 299
fee l in two miles tu bother yu ,an
’ when yu wake up,may yu fin e hit tu be a mortal fac
Es tu me,ef I kin j is ’ miss dreamin eve hell ur ole
Bullin ’s al l I ax. Sum on e eve yu moue that ar saddi ldown yander
,by the corn er eve the camp
,further out
en the way eve my laigs. New le s snore sum ; blewout the light.”
END.
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By mean s of this book th e hitherto occu l t mys tery of Palm istry is made s impl e andeasy, an d th e whol e Art may be acqu ired withou t difficu l ty or del ay .. It i s emphatica l ly Palm is try in a n u tshell , an d by i ts u se, character an d di sposi ti on can be discern ed an d probabl e fu ture destin y foretold wi th surpri sing accuracy. Il lum in atedpaper cover 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 cm.
Dick ’
s Hand-Book of Whist , Con tain in g Pole ’
s an d Clay ’ s Ru l es forplaying th e modern scien tific game ; th e Club Ru l es of Wh is t, and two in terestingDou bl e Dummy Problems . Thi s i s a thorough treatise on th e game of Wh ist, takenfrom Th e American Hoyle which is th e s tan dard au thori ty. It covers a l l th epoin ts an d in tri cacies which ari se i n th e game ; in cluding th e ackn owledged code ofetiquette observed by th e pl ayers , wi th Drayson 's remarks on Trumps , their u se andabu se , and al l th e modern methods of sign a l li ng between partn ers . Price . eta,
Kavanaugh’
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Dialogues for Young Children .
Con ta in ing easy pieces in plain lan guage, readi ly u nders tood by 11me chi ldren , an dexpressl y adapted for School Exh ibi tion s an d Christmas an d other j uven ile ce l ebration s . By Mrs . Ru ssel l Kavan au gh . This i s an en tirely n ew series of Reci tation s andDialogu es by this au thor, an d fu l l of pieces, in h er well -kn own s tyle of fami li arsimpl ici ty, admirably cal cu l a ted to give th e l i ttle on es addi tion al opportun i ties todistin gu ish themselves before an au dien ce. 16mo . Paper cover . 30 cts ,
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Ogden’
sModel Speeches for all SchoolOccasions. Con taining OriginalAddresses an d Oration s on everythin g apperta in in g to School Life ; compri s ing Se tSpeeches on al l occas ion s con n ected wi th Schoo ls , Academies an d Col leges , forSchoo l Officers as wel l as for Teachers and Studen ts of both sexes , with appropriaterepl ies . By Ch riste l Ogden c
Thi s origin al work con tain s over one-hun dred tel ling speeches and repl ies forSpeeches on Open ing and Dedicatt
’
ng Bur lesque Speeches.
New S chools and Academi es. Add resses to Teachers.Al l Ki n d s of S chool Ceremon i a ls . Prologues and Ep i logues for SchoolS a lu ta tory and Va led i ctory Addresses. Exhi bi ti ons .
Presen tation s and Conferri ng Honors . Ann i versary Congratu la tions .
In cluding practica l h i n ts on Extempore s eak ing, with a d iss ertation on th e selec tionof appropria te top1cs , su i tabl e style, an effecti ve del ivery , and al so valuabl e adviceto those wh o lack confiden ce when ad dressmg th e Publ ic .
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Dick’
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PublicDinners , F ri end ly Meetings ,Socia l Di nners, W edd ings a nd their Ann i versaries ,
Con vivia l Gatherings, Army an d Navy Ban quets ,
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Festiva ls, Al l K inds of Occasi on s.
Th i s work in cludes an in structive dissertation on th eArt ofmakin g amu s in g Afte r-din nerSpeeches , giving h in ts an d direction s by th e aid of which person s wi th on ly ordi .n ary in te l l igen ce can make an en tertain ing an d te l l in g speech . Also ,
Correc t Ru l esan d Adv ice for Presidi n g a t Table.
Th e u se of thi s work will render a poor an d d ifli den t speaker flu en t an d witty—anda good speaker better an d wi ttier, bes ides affordin g an immen se fu n d of anecdotes ,wi t an d wisdom , an d other s erviceable matter to draw upon at wi l l .Pap er covers . Price . 3 0cts.Boun d in boards , cl oth back 50cts,
Dick ’
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Living S tatua ry ,Cha rades of a l l kind s
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Dame H i story’
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Shad ow Pan tom imes . Pun ch and J ud y ,
AND FIFTY OTHER DIVERTING PARLOR FASTIDIE S AND AMUSEMENTS .
It contains a l so a fu l l Cata l ogue of th e cel ebra ted “ ART E ! HIBITION an d a practicaltreati se on th e wonderfu l SCIENCE on SE COND -SIGHT , by th e aid of which a l l th e s tart
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Th is work i s thorough ly practical , and gives th e fu llest in stru ction s for preparing and
l ighting th e s tage , th e con stru ction of th e FRAME S FOB LIVING PORTRAITS , an d showsh ow each performan ce can be presen ted with complete su ccess . It is i l lustra ted wi thn umerou s en grav i n gs expla in ing th e text . 150pages , paper cover 30cts,Bound in boards , cloth backWorcester ’sLetter-Writer and Book of Business Forms, for Ladiesand Gentlemen ,
Con tain ing Accurate Directi on s for Con du cting Episto lary Corerspon den ce ,
with 270 Specimen Letters , adapted to every Age an d Situ ation in Life.an d to Bu s in ess Pu rsu its in Gen era l ; with an Appen dix compri s in g Form s for W i l l s .Petition s ,
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Accoun ts ,etc . , etc . This work is divided in to two parts ,
th eportion appl icable to Ladies being kept distin ct from th e res t of th e book , in order toprovide better fac i li ties for ready referen ce. Th e Orthography of th e en tire work i sbased on W orceste r’
s method , which i s coming more an d more in to general u se , fromth e fac t that i t presen ts less ambigui ty in spel l ing. 216 pages .
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Dick ’
sOne Hundred Amusements for Evening Parties, Picnics andSocial Gatherings Th is book is fu ll of Origin al Novel ties. It con tains .
New and Attractive Games, clearly i l lustra A var iety of n ew a nd ingen iou s puzzles .
ted by mean s of W i tty Examples, thow Comica l i l lus i on s, ful ly descr ibed . These
ing how each may be most successfu l ly surp ri sing and grotesque i l lu sion s a re very
p layed . sta rtl i ng i n the i r effects , and p reser t l i ttl eSurpfising Tri cks, easy of performance. or no d ifiicu l ly in theirprepara tion .
Musi ca l and other innocen t sel ls .
ALSO m ENTIRELY NEW VERSION OF THE CELE BRATED MRS . J ABLEx’
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Day’
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Con ta i n i ng en ti re ly ori gi nal Model s ofLe tte rs on al l busin ess subjects , wi th appropriaterepl ies ; al so several specimen s of Con tinuou s Correspon den ce, exhibi tin gby a seri es of
Le tters , th e progress , an d compl etion o fMercan ti le Tran sacti on s . By W il l iam B. Dick.Th i s work 1h elnaes correct forms for Bus in ess Notices an d Cards , an d Partn ership Ahn ou ncemen ts ; for Appl i ca tion s for Employmen t and n eatly-worded An swers to Inqu i r1es an d Advertisemen ts ; for occas ion a l Circu lars . properl y displayed, an d for
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It con ta in s , in ad d ition , a Glossary of Techn ical Terms used in commerce a rapid an d
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200pages , 16mo. Boun d in boards .
Uncle J osh ’s Trunkful of Fun? Full of th e funniest of funny things.This book is i l lu strated wi th n early 200 funn y engravin gs , an d con tain s , in 64 1arge
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Sut Lovingood ,Yarn s spun by ANat ’ral Born Durn
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amo u n t of pun gen t humor in to 300pages t 11 wi l l be foun d in this real l y fun ny book .Th e Preface and Dedication are model s of l y s impl icity, an d th e 24 Sketches whi chfol l ow are among th e best specimen s of broad burlesqu e, to which th e gen iu s of
th e l udi crou s , for which th e Sou thwest is so d i s tingui shed , h as yet given birth .1 2mo, tin ted paper, cl oth , gi l t edgesHow to Speak in Public ; or, TheArt ofExtempore Oratory .
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u abl eman ua l for those wh o des ire to become read y off-han d speakers con tain ing cleardirection s h ow to arran ge ideas l ogi call y and qu ick ly , in cluding i l lu stra ti on s , by th ean alysis of speeches del ivered by some of th e greatest ora tors , exempli fyin g th eimportan ce of correct emphasis , c learn es s of articu lation , an d appropriate ges ture.Paper 25 cm,
How toShine in Society ; or,The Science ofConversation . Con tal n in s
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Th imm’
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Dick ’
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’
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Dia lect Sketches and E ccen tricities
It in cludes a number ofAmu s in g Scen es an d Negro acts , an d is fu ll ofth e s ide - spli tt in gvagaries of th e best M i n s trel 'l ‘roups -in exi s ten ce , bes ides a n umber of Origi na l Rec i tation s a nd Sketches in th e Negro Dialec t. 178 pages . Paper covers 3 0 cmBoun d in boards , cl oth backTambo
’
s End-Men’
s Minstrel Gags. Containi ng some of th e bes tj okes an d repartees of th e most celebrated bu rn t cork perform ers of our day .
'l‘
ambo an d Bon es in a l l sorts an d man n er of scrapes . Als o con ta in ing a rich col lec tionofBa l lads , humorou s an d pathetic , Darkey Dia l ogu es , Sketches ,
Plan tati on Scen es , Ec
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Songs and Dan ces , e tc .,etc . In short , a complete H and-Book of Burn t Cork Dro l lery
,
which wi ll be fo un d al ike u sefu l to th e profess ion al an d amateu r. Everything n ewan d ri ch . Paper covers cts.Bou n d in boards , wi th c loth back .50 cm
Dick ’
s Du‘ch , French and Yankee Dialect Recitations. An un sur
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crou s an d Extravagan t Yankee Yarn s , each Reci tation being in i ts own pecu li ar di al ect.To those wh o make Dialect Reci ta tions a specia l i ty
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l ar serv ice a s i t con ta in s a l l th e bes t pieces that are in ciden ta l l y scattered through al arge n umber of vo lumes of Reci ta tion s an d Readin gs , ” bes ides several n ew an d
excel len t sketches n ever before publ i shed . 170pages , paper cover . 3 0cm,
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Dick ’
s Irish Dialect Recitations,A carefu l ly comp i led Col lection of
Rare Irish S tories , Comic Poetica l an d Prose Reci tation s, Humorou s Letters an d
F un n y Reci ta ls , al l to ld w ith th e irres is tible Humor of th e Iri sh Dialect . Thi s Col leet ion con ta in s , in addi tion to n ew an d origi nal p ieces , a l l th e very bes t Rec i ta ti on s inth e Iri sh Dialect th at can be gathered from a whole l ibrary o f “ Reci tation
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It i s fu l l of th e spark l in g witticism s an d q ueer con cei ts of th e witties t n ati on on
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Frank Converse ’
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Dinner Napkins and How to Fold Them. Con tain in g Plain Direc
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s implest form s to th e most e laborate an d arti stic des ign s . By Georgiana 0. Clark .
s
Dlck’
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c ises . Appl icabl e 0 al l th e Prin cipal Appara tu s of a wel l appoin ted Gymn as ium .
Pla in ly described an d profusely il lus tra ted. Giving al l th e in s tru ction s necess ary forproficien cy . Quarto , ClothNorth ’sBook of Love-Letters,
W ith d irection s how to write an d whento u se them , an d 120Specimen Letters , su i tabl e for Lovers of any age an d con di tion ,
an d u nder al l c ircum stan ces . In terspersed wi th th e au thor’
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v ice in matte rs of Love,Courtshi p an d Marriage. By Ingol dsby North. Bound in boards . .50 cm.
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How to Conduct a Debate , A Series Of Complete Debates . Outl i n esOf Debates an d Qu es tion s for Discus sion . In th e complete debates ,
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given in a conden sed form , for th e speakers to en large u pon to su i t their own fan cy .In additi on to these are a l arge col l ecti on of debatable ques tion s . Th e au thori ties tobe referred to for in forma ti on being given at th e c lose Of every deba te throughou t th ework . By F . Rowton . 23 2 pages . Paper covers . 50 ct!Bound in boards , cloth back 75 0133 .
Day
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3 Book-Keeping W ithout aMaster. Con tain ing th e Rud imen ts
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Th e severa l pages have expl anati on s at th e bottom to as s ist th e l earn er, in smal l type .
As a pattern for open ing book accou n ts i t i s especiall y va luable—parti cu larly for thosewh o are n ot well pos ted in th e art. Dar
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The Young Reporter ; or, How to Write Shorthand. A completePhonograph ic Teacher, in te n ded as a Schoo l book , to afford thorough in stru cti on s tothos e wh o have n ot th e ass is tan ce Of an Oral Teacher. By th e ai d Of thi s work , andth e expl ana tory examples which are given as practica l exercises , an y person of th e
’
most ord in ary in te l l igen ce may learn to write Shorthan d , and report Speeches an d Sermon s in a sh o l t time. Bound in boards , with cloth back 50 eta
Howard ’
s Book“
of Conundrums and Riddles.Con tain in g over
Of th e bes t Con un drum s, Riddles , En igmas , Ingen iou s Ca tches an d Amus in g Sel ls ever
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The Parlor Magi cian ; or, One HundredTricks for the DrawingRoom. Con ta i n i ng an extens ive and miscel laneou s col lection Of Con juring an d Leger
demain , embrac ing : Tricks with Dice, Dom in oes an d Cards ; Tricks wi th Ribbon s ,Bi n gs and Fru i t ; Tricks wi th Coin , Handkerchiefs an d Bal l s , etc . Th ewhole i l lus trate dand clearl y explained with 121 en gravi ngs . Paper covers .30eta.Bound in boards , wi th cloth back .Book of Riddles and 500Home Amusements.
Con tain in g a curiou scoll ection OfRiddles , Charades and Enigmas Rebuses
, An agrams an d Tran spos iti on sConun drums and Amu sing Puzzl es ; Recreati ons in Arithmeti c ,
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an d other En terta in in g Amusemen ts . Il l ustrated wi th 60engravin gs . Paper . . 30 ctsBoun d in board s , cm.
TheBook of Fireside Games , Con tain in g an explan ation Of a varietyof W itty , Ro ll icking, En terta in ing an d Innocen t Games and Amu s in g Forfeits , su itedto th e Fam ily Circle as a Recreati on . Thi s book is j ust th e thi ng for socia l gatherings ,parties an d picn ics . Paper covers . . 30 cm,
Bound in boards , 50 cm,
The Book of 500 Curious Puzzles. Con tain in g a large col lection Of
Curiou s Pu zzl es , En tertain in g Paradoxes , Perplexin g Deception s i n Numbers , Amu s
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Parlor Tricks with Cards Con tain in g explan ation s Of al l th e Tricksan d Decepti on s wi th Playing Cards ever in ven ted . Th e whole il l u strated an d mad e
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Boun d in boards , wi th cloth back . .50m
The Language of Flowers ,Acomplete diction ary of th e Lan gu age Of
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t ined to fil l a wan t long fel t for a reliable book at a price wi thin th e reac h Of a ll .
Papu lar Books sent Free ofPostage at the Pri ces annexed.
Rarey Knowlson’
s CompleteHome Tamer and Farrier. A Newan d Improved Edi tion , con taini ng Mr. Rarey
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bein g th e resu l t offifty years ’
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How to Amuse an Even ing Party. A complete col lection of Home
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Frost ’s American Etiquette ; or, Laws of Good Society. A Trea
tise on E tiquette. Con tain ing Pl ain and Reli abl e Direction s for Deportmen t in everySitu ation in Life , by S . A. Fros t, au thor of Fros t
’
s Le tter-W ri ter,”
etc. Th i s is a
book of read y referen ce on th e u sages of Society a t all times an d on al l occasi on s , an dalso a reli abl e gu ide in th e detai l s of deportmen t and pol i te behavi or.
Paper covers cts.Bound in Boards , wi th cloth cts,
Frost ’s Original Letter-W riter,A complete col lection of Original
Letters and Notes , upon every im agin able subj ect of Every-Day Life , with pl ain d irect ion s abou t everything conn ected with wri ting a l ette r. By S . A. Fros t . To which isadded a comprehen sive Tabl e of Syn on yms , al on e worth doubl e th e pri ce asked forth e book . W e assure ou r readers that i t is th e best col lec tion of l etters ever publ ishedin this coun try ; they are written in pl ain and natura l langu age , and el egan t i n sty le
wi thou t being high -nown . Bound in boards , clo th back , . .50cts.
The Amateur Tra per and Trap-Maker’s Guide.A compl ete an d
carefu l ly prepared ati so on th e art of Trapping, Sn aring an d Netting.
This comprehen s ive work i s embel l i shed wi th fifty engraved il lu stra tion s and
these , together with th e clear expl anation s which accompan y them ,wi l l en abl e anybody oi modera te comprehen s ion to make and set any of th e traps described . It
also gives th e bai ts us u all y empl oyed by th e most successfu l H un ters an d Trappers ,
and exposes their secretmethods of attracti ng and catching animal s , birds ,etc . , wi th
scarcel y a poss ibil i ty of fa i lu re . Large 16mo , paper covers 50fits.Boun d in boards , cloth cm.
How W rite a Com osition ,Th e use of this excel len t han d -book
wil l save th e studen t e man y hours of l abor too often wasted in tryin g towri te a plain compos i tion It afford s a perfect skel eton of one hun dred and seven
teen differen t subjects ,Wi th their headings or divi sion s cl early defin ed , an d eachheadi n g fil led in wi th th e ideas which th e subject sugges ts ; so that all the wri ter
h as to do ,in order to produ ce a good compositi on , is to en large on them to su i t his
tas te and in cl in ation . 178 pages , paper covers . 3 0cts.Boun d in boards , cloth back . 50eta.
Lander ’sRevised W ork of Odd-Fellowship. Con tain in g all th e Lee
tures , complete , wi th Reggl ation s for Open in g,
Condu cting an d Clos in g a Lod ge ;
together wi th Forms of i tiation , Charges of th e Variou s Officers . etc . , wi th th eComplete work in th e fol lowin g Degrees In i tiati on Firs t, or Pink Degree Secon d .or Royal Blue Degree ; Third, or Scarlet Degree . By EDWIN F . LANDER. This han dbook of th e Revised W ork of th e Independen t Order of Od d -Fel lowship h as been prepared in con form i ty with th e amen dmen ts an d al terat ion s adopted by th e Soverei gnGrand Lodge of Canada in September, 1880, 16mo
, paper cover 25cm.
Live and Learn ,A gu id e for al l those wh o wish to speak an d write
correc tl y ; parti cu l arl y in ten ded as a Book of Referen ce for th e solu tion of di fficu l ti esconne cted wi th Grammar
,Compos ition , Pun ctuation ,
&c . , con ta in ing examples ofm istakes of da i ly occurren ce in speak ing, wri ti ng an d pronu n c iati on .
01m , 16mo .. 216 30cm
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