Revising for Connection 1 of 62 Revising Sentences for Connection © Steve Whitmore June 2014
Revising for Connection 1 of 62
Revising Sentences for Connection
© Steve Whitmore
June 2014
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Revising Sentences for Connection
At the end of this module, you will be able to identify and
correct stylistic problems involving the following:
Repetitive Structures
Parallel Sentence Structure
Vague “This” Subjects
Transitional Tags
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Pattern for Unnecessary Repetition
S/V/Word#1 Word#1 . . . Word#2 Word#2 . . . Word#3
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Unnecessary Repetition
The length of the transistor that can function as a long
channel device is strongly related to its junction depth. The
junction depth, of the boron source/drain implant, can be
reduced by lowering the implant energy. However,
lowering the implant energy increases the channeling
probability for boron ions. The channeling probability for
boron ions . . . .
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Unnecessary Repetition
The length of the transistor that can function as a long
channel device is strongly related to its junction depth. The
junction depth, of the boron source/drain implant, can be
reduced by lowering the implant energy. However,
lowering the implant energy increases the channeling
probability for boron ions. The channeling probability for
boron ions . . . .
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Unnecessary Repetition
The length of the transistor that can function as a long
channel device is strongly related to its junction depth.
Lowering the implant energy (and thereby increasing the
channeling probability for boron ions) reduces the junction
depth of the boron source/drain implant. The channeling
probability for boron ions . . .
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Unnecessary Repetition
This critique is structured around the models identified in the MSAT Project Management course notes presented by Mr. G. Robinson of E.M. Sciences Ltd. A specific model identifying the organizational boundary and defining the internal and external components forms the basis of this critique. The focus of this critique is limited to the internal organizational components which includes the following subjects: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships. The external components of the model -- e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands -- are beyond the scope of this critique. This critique focuses inside the organizational boundary.
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Unnecessary Repetition
This critique is structured around the models identified in the MSAT Project Management course notes presented by Mr. G. Robinson of E.M. Sciences Ltd. A specific model identifying the organizational boundary and defining the internal and external components forms the basis of this critique. The focus of this critique is limited to the internal organizational components which includes the following subjects: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships. The external components of the model -- e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands -- are beyond the scope of this critique. This critique focuses inside the organizational boundary.
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Unnecessary Repetition
This critique is based on a model identifying organizational boundaries and defining the internal and external components of the organization.1 The external components of the model (e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands) are beyond the scope of this critique which focuses solely on the following internal components: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships.
1G. Robinson. 1995. MSAT Project Management Course Notes. E.M.
Sciences Ltd.
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Unnecessary Repetition
To my knowledge, no Mission Statement exists. This being
said, either there is no Mission Statement, or the one that
exists is not being made readily available to all employees.
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Unnecessary Repetition
To my knowledge, no Mission Statement exists. This being
said, either there is no Mission Statement, or the one that
exists is not being made readily available to all employees.
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Unnecessary Repetition
To my knowledge, either no Mission Statement exists or it
is not being made readily available to all employees.
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Unnecessary Repetition I think that in order to make strong statements about the presence of
these items in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence
supporting her argument. I also think that if these illicit materials were
being smuggled into the solitary cells, it would be likely that either (1)
large fragments or complete bottles/pipes would be found underlying
the charcoal layer or (2) no illicit materials would be found if the cells
were cleaned often and the objects removed. Although Casella uses
the material evidence to support her interpretations, I think that further
excavation of the solitary cells would provide more information and
better evidence to support or refute her argument.
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Unnecessary Repetition I think that in order to make strong statements about the presence of
these items in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence
supporting her argument. I also think that if these illicit materials were
being smuggled into the solitary cells, it would be likely that either (1)
large fragments or complete bottles/pipes would be found underlying
the charcoal layer or (2) no illicit materials would be found if the cells
were cleaned often and the objects removed. Although Casella uses
the material evidence to support her interpretations, I think that further
excavation of the solitary cells would provide more information and
better evidence to support or refute her argument.
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Unnecessary Repetition In order to make strong statements about the presence of these items
in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence supporting her
argument. If these illicit materials were being smuggled into the solitary
cells, it would be likely that either (1) large fragments or complete
bottles/pipes would be found underlying the charcoal layer or (2) no
illicit materials would be found if the cells were cleaned often and the
objects removed. Although Casella uses the material evidence to
support her interpretations, further excavation of the solitary cells would
provide more information and better evidence to support or refute her
argument.
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Some Pointers
Avoid “chaining” sentences together by repeating the last
words of a sentence as the 1st words of the next
sentence.
Ensure you edit “stream-of-consciousness” writing.
Avoid starting strings of sentences with phrases such as
“I think” or “I believe.” We assume you think it if you
wrote it.
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Some More Pointers Poetic repetition is a very powerful way to help people
remember a key point.
Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory
however long and hard the road may be; for without
victory there is no survival. -- Winston Churchill
This technique is perhaps best saved for occasions such
as delivering eulogies or motivational speeches.
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Patterns for Parallel Structure
Phrase and/or/but/etc. Phrase
Balance Balance
^
Verb
Verb
Verb
Noun
Noun
Noun
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Parallel Sentence Structure
Examples of coordinators in parallel structure
and as well as
or rather than
but neither . . . nor
yet either . . . or
so not only . . . but also
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Parallel Sentence Structure
The system survey report will describe, in general, the
current system activities, the problems that the current
system is experiencing, and to present options and make
recommendations to you and other decision making
authorities.
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Parallel Sentence Structure
The system survey report will describe, in general, the
current system activities, the problems that the current
system is experiencing, and to present options and make
recommendations to you and other decision making
authorities.
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Parallel Sentence Structure
The system survey report will describe, in general, the
current system activities and the problems that the current
system is experiencing. It will also present options and
make recommendations to you and other decision making
authorities.
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Parallel Sentence Structure
This discussion prompted me to contact PTE for further
information and the support package that PTE can offer for
PC/FOCUS.
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Parallel Sentence Structure
This discussion prompted me to contact PTE for further
information and the support package that PTE can offer for
PC/FOCUS.
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Parallel Sentence Structure
This discussion prompted me to contact PTE for further
information and for the PC/FOCUS support package.
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Parallel Sentence Structure
In order to improve our facilities, we must do the following:
• repair our existing PCs
• purchase 11 more hard drives
• security is insufficient
• expand our operating hours
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Parallel Sentence Structure
In order to improve our facilities, we must do the following:
• repair our existing PCs
• purchase 11 more hard drives
• security is insufficient
• expand our operating hours
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Parallel Sentence Structure
In order to improve our facilities, we must do the following:
• repair our existing PCs
• purchase 11 more hard drives
• increase system security
• expand our operating hours
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Parallel Sentence Structure
The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project
management structure. This critique will discuss the
following topics:
1. My vision of the company as an optimal organization.
2. Strengths and weaknesses of current practices.
3. The effects of the current structure on the projects, the employees, and the organization as a whole.
4. Finally, I will recommend ways to improve our structure and bring us closer to our mission.
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Parallel Sentence Structure
The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project
management structure. This critique will discuss the
following topics:
1. My vision of the company as an optimal organization.
2. Strengths and weaknesses of current practices.
3. The effects of the current structure on the projects, the employees, and the organization as a whole.
4. Finally, I will recommend ways to improve our structure and bring us closer to our mission.
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Parallel Sentence Structure The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project
management structure. This critique will discuss the
following topics:
1. My vision of the company as an optimal organization.
2. The strengths and weaknesses of current practices.
3. The effects of the current structure on the projects, the employees, and the organization as a whole.
Finally, I recommend ways to improve our structure and
bring us closer to our mission.
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Some Pointers
Use the same verb form when linking ideas together
using a coordinating conjunction.
Split excessively long sentences in two to avoid
parallelism problems.
Repeat prepositions in lengthy prepositional phrases.
Try to balance length as well as structure.
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Some More Pointers
Ensure lists are parallel by starting all items with nouns
or verbs.
Avoid mixing complete sentences and sentence
fragments in lists.
Beware of Microsoft’s automated features!
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Pattern for Vague “This” Subject
This (???) Verb/Object
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Vague “This” Subjects
The use of lower wind speeds in the dispersion model
tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This is an
additional reason to use Northland meteorological data in
the dispersion model.
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Vague “This” Subjects
The use of lower wind speeds in the dispersion model
tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This is an
additional reason to use Northland meteorological data in
the dispersion model.
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Vague “This” Subjects
The use of lower wind speeds in the dispersion model
tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This
conservative approach is an additional reason to use
Northland meteorological data in the dispersion model.
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Vague “This” Subjects
RNB is a large, well managed technology company with
dedicated people possessing generous amounts of skill
and experience. This has been externally validated by our
ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2 rating.
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Vague “This” Subjects
RNB is a large, well managed technology company with
dedicated people possessing generous amounts of skill
and experience. This has been externally validated by our
ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2 rating.
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Vague “This” Subjects
RNB is a large, well managed technology company with
dedicated people possessing generous amounts of skill
and experience. These attributes have been externally
validated by our ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2
rating.
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Vague “This” Subjects
The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards
structure. This is required to maintain motivation on
projects where many extra hours are required and no
overtime policy exists. This can be critical for commitment
from employees.
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Vague “This” Subjects
The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards
structure. This is required to maintain motivation on
projects where many extra hours are required and no
overtime policy exists. This can be critical for commitment
from employees.
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Vague “This” Subjects
The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards structure
in order to maintain motivation on projects where many
extra hours are required and no overtime policy exists.
Providing rewards can be critical for commitment from
employees.
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Some Pointers
Place a word or phrase immediately after the word “this”
when it starts a sentence.
Avoid strings of vague “this” subjects.
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Pattern for Transitions
Isaac Newton wrote Principia to explain his theories of
motion and gravitation. However, tomatoes grow best in full
sunlight. So doctors are required to take the Hippocratic
oath. Therefore, we must learn to more clearly explain what
we mean.
Isaac Newton wrote Principia to explain his theories of
motion and gravitation.
Tomatoes grow best in full sunlight.
Doctors are required to take the Hippocratic oath.
We must learn to more clearly explain what we mean.
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Transitions
Partial list of prepositions
SPATIAL
about, above, against, around, at,
behind, below, beneath, beside,
between, beyond, by, down, from,
in, inside, into, on, off, out,
outside, over, through, to,
toward, up, upon, with
TEMPORAL
as, after, before, during, since,
till, until
COMPOUND
according to, along with, due to,
except for, in addition, in front of,
in order to, in spite of, on account
of, instead of, with regard to
OTHER
except, for, like, of
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Transitions
Partial list of conjunctions
COORDINATING
and, but, for, nor , or, so, yet
CORRELATIVE
both/and, either/or, neither/nor,
not only/but also
RELATIVE
that, which
SUBORDINATING
after, albeit, although, as, as a
result of, as far as, as if, as soon
as, as well as, because, before,
even though, if . . . (then),
inasmuch as, insofar as, once,
only, since, so as, so far as,
though, unless, when, whenever,
where, whereas, whereby, whereof
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Transitions
Partial list of adverbials
also, consequently, finally, firstly,
further, furthermore, hence, hereafter,
however, indeed, initially, likewise,
moreover, nevertheless, previously,
secondly, subsequently, thereafter,
thereby, therefore, therein, thus, while
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Using Transitions
Since the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred
on the board.
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Using Transitions
Since the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred
on the board.
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Using Transitions
Because the electrode was connected, a short circuit
occurred on the board.
OR
After the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred
on the board.
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Using Transitions
The majority of this paper’s recommendations point to the
need for engaging in this type of project as they have a
larger management component.
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Using Transitions
The majority of this paper’s recommendations point to the
need for engaging in this type of project as they have a
larger management component.
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Using Transitions
The majority of this paper’s recommendations point to the
need for engaging in this type of project because they have
a larger management component.
OR
The majority of this paper’s recommendations point to the
need for engaging in this type of project when they have a
larger management component.
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Using Transitions
Injuries of this type have become a severe problem for the
pharmacy. There is no equipment available on the market
for the IV admixture.
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Using Transitions
Injuries of this type have become a severe problem for the
pharmacy. There is no equipment available on the market
for the IV admixture.
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Using Transitions
Injuries of this type have become a severe problem for the
pharmacy because no equipment is available on the
market for the IV admixture.
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Using Transitions There is not much peer-to-peer interaction. This has resulted in strong relationships between the R&D manager and the individuals on the team and weak relationships among members of the group. People in R&D are not used to interacting as peers. There has been a focus on domain expertise, which has resulted in pockets of expertise that lead to bottlenecks because expertise is not shared. Individuals start to feel ownership for individual components of the system. This creates technical dedication, but creates situations where individuals are taken as the authority that discouraged the technical exchange of information among the group. Because of the technical focus in R&D, it is easy to ignore the concerns and needs of the customer. On many occasions, with customer-focused projects, there has been direct contact between R&D and the customer. In order to maintain a customer focus, it is important for R&D teams to maintain a good relationship with the customer.
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Using Transitions A lack of peer interaction has led to strong relationships between the R&D manager and individuals on the team but weak relationships among team members. Although the focus on domain expertise encourages people to feel ownership for components of the system, it also creates situations where individuals are viewed as authorities. Consequently, technical dedication is encouraged while exchange of technical information is discouraged. In other words, we have pockets of expertise and bottlenecks in the flow of information because expertise is not shared. Technical focus in R&D can also lead to problems in relationships with customers, whose concerns and needs are often ignored. Note, however, that on many occasions our customer-focused projects have provided direct contact between R&D and customers. If we pay more attention to customer relations, then we shift the focus in R&D from domain expertise to customers and thus encourage much needed peer interaction.
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Some Pointers Use transitions to clarify the relationships between ideas.
More transitions for audiences with low expertise.
Fewer transitions for audiences with high expertise.
Be cautious when using “as” or “since.”
Recognize that a style heavily dependent upon empty sentence openers and vague “this” subjects is often lacking in transitions.
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This Is Your Brain on Style ;-)
This is
Parallel Structure
As/Since
Repetition Repetion
Transitions
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Conclusion
Reflections: Which of the preceding style patterns do
you find in your writing?