Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service The Purpose of this Lesson: • Explore the differing characteristics of biological families and stepfamilies. • Recognize the transitions and adjustments which stepfamilies usually experience. • Initiate discussion on how extended family and the community can support stepfamilies. Preparing for the Lesson • Read through the entire teaching guide before you present the lesson. • Prepare yourself for each activity by imagining people’s reactions and your responses. • Have a paper plate and pencil for each participant. • Have a flip chart or writing board available for recording group responses. • Have an evaluation form for each participant to complete at the end of the lesson. • To group leader: Please send completed evaluation forms to Charlotte Shoup Olsen, KSU School of Family Studies and Human Services, 343 Justin Hall, Manhattan, KS 66506. ank you. The Lesson Did you know that stepfamilies are becoming more common? Stepfamilies have existed for many generations. In the past, they were usually formed following the death of a partner; now, most stepfamilies are created after a divorce or separation. LEADER’S GUIDE Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies Charlotte Shoup Olsen, Ph.D., CFLE, Professor and Family Studies Specialist
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Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service
The Purpose of this Lesson:•Explorethedifferingcharacteristicsofbiological
The LessonDidyouknowthatstepfamiliesarebecomingmorecommon?Stepfamilieshaveexistedformanygenerations.Inthepast,theywereusuallyformedfollowingthedeathofapartner;now,moststepfamiliesarecreatedafteradivorceorseparation.
LEADER’S GUIDE
Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies
Charlotte Shoup Olsen, Ph.D., CFLE, Professor and Family Studies Specialist
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What is a Stepfamily?Astepfamilyisafamilyinwhichatleastoneadulthasachildorchildrenfromapreviousrelationship.“Blended”and“remarried”areothernamesappliedtostepfamilies.Insomehomes,theadultcouplemaynotbemarried,butthefamilyislivinglikeastepfamily.Stepfamiliesdealwithcommonfamilymattersandspecialconcernsaswell.Stepparentshaveaready-madefamilyfromthebeginning.Thenewfamilymustlearntolivetogetherandgetalong.Inadditiontothestepfamily,thereareformerspousesorpartners,grandparents,grandchildren,friends,andperhapsteachers,clergy,andothersinthecommunitywhohavetoadjusttothenewstepfamily.Becomingasuccessfulstepfamilycantaketime.
1)biologicalfamilieswithoutstepfamilymembersand2)stepfamilies.Encouragethemtothinkaboutthedifferencesbetweenbiologicalfamiliesandstepfamilies—eachhavingyoungchildren,teenagers,adultchildren,oradultchildrenwiththeirownfamilies.Suggestthattheyvisitwithsomeonesittingnexttothemaboutthesedifferences.Afterafewminutes,askthegrouptosharetheirideas.Listtheseresponsesonaflipchartorwritingboard.Stepfamiliesmusttakemanydifferencesintoconsiderationastheygoabouttheirdailylives.Hereisasummaryofthedifferencesthatyoumayormaynothavethoughtabout:A stepfamily is born of loss.Adivorce,death,orseparationcomesbeforethestepfamily.Thefeelingsthatcomewiththatlossmustbetakenintoconsideration.Adivorceorseparationrepresentsalossofdreamsfortheadultsinvolved,regardlessofthecircumstances.Aparentwhohasdiedmaybeelevatedtosainthoodandthepartnerwantsanexactreplacement.Or,anadultmaybelookingfortheexactoppositeofaformerpartner.Childrengrievethelossoftheirfirstfamily,nomatterhowimperfectitmayhavebeen.Itisnotunusualforstepfamiliestodiscoverthatthesefeelingscreatetensionifnooneiswillingtorecognizeandtalkaboutthem.Itcanhelpifthestepparentsacceptthistensionanditsoriginsandunderstandthattimeandpatiencewillberequiredtoovercomethischallenge.Individuals in stepfamilies have different personal histories. Amanandhischildrenmayformafamilywithawomanwithoutchildren.Thefatherandhischildrenwillhavememories,traditions,andsometimesprivatejokesthatdonotincludethenewstepmother.Ifbothpartnersbringchildrentothefamily,thereareseveralsetsofhistoriesandrelationshipsthatcannotbeignored.Someonemayfeellikeanoutsiderattimes,sootherfamilymembersmayneedtotryadifferentapproachtohelpeveryonefeelincluded.There can be differences in family traditions and values.Meals,homework,discipline,familyrules,holidaycelebrations,andinheritanceexpectationsarejustafewoftheissueslikelytobequestionedinstepfamilies.Differencesintraditionsandvaluesarenotrightorwrong,justdifferent.Theoldertheparentsandchildren,thelongerthehistoryand
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3. It is not unusual for a stepfamily to take at least four years or more to feel like a solid family.Theansweristrue.Therearesomanytasksforthenewstepfamilythatitmayseemoverwhelming.Initially,theadultsmaybeecstaticovertheirnewpartnerrelationship.Theirchildrenmaythinkotherwise.Asrealitysettlesin,itmayseemchaotic.Theparentmightfeelatugbetweenthechildandthenewpartner.Theremaybegrievingoverthelossofthefirstfamily,butnoonerealizesit.Evenadeceasedparentmaytakeonlarger-than-lifestatusandchildrenclingtotheideathatlifewouldbebetteriftheyhadtheir“real”parent.Everydaylivingisastruggle.Disciplineandmoneycanbebigissues.Gettingalongwiththeex-spouseandinlawsmaybeoverwhelming.Adultstepchildrenmaybeconcernedabouttheirinheritance.Tensionfillstheair.Togetpastthisstage,thecouplemustdevelopawarenessofthemanydynamicsthatareoccurringandunderstandthatthefeelingsofloss,disloyalty,andrejectionarenormal.Stepsthatmayhelpare:
4. A strong couple relationship is an important part to forming a strong stepfamily.Theansweristrue.Couplesneedtofocusonbuildingandmaintainingastrong,caringrelationship.Parentsmayfeelguiltyaboutgivingattentiontothenewpartnerratherthanthechildren,butastrongcouplewhoworksasateamhaslessriskofdissolvingtheirrelationshipthancoupleswhoarepulledintopowerstrugglesoverdiscipliningchildren,moneyissues,ex-spouseandextendedfamily,andotherstepfamilychallenges.Ahappyandsuccessfulcouplerelationshipstartswithadeepfriendship.Eachpartnerneedstoknowwhentheotherfeelslikeanoutsiderandworktodecreasethatfeeling.Theyconstantlyworktolearnmoreabouteachother,catchuponadailybasis,knowthepartner’slikesanddislikes,andknowtheirdeepestdreams,beliefs,andfears.Theyplanfuntimestogether,too.Coupleswhohaveadeepfriendshiparemorelikelytoalwaysberespectfultowardseach
Activity 2Asyouthinkaboutthestrengthsandchallengesofstepfamilies,takeaquizbasedoninformationfromstepfamilyresearch.Raiseyourhandwhenyouthinkthestatementistrueorfalse.1. The stories and myths about wicked stepmothers such as Cinderella and Snow White do not affect today’s stepfamilies.Theanswerisfalse.Manybest-lovedfairytaleshaveintroducedandreinforcedtheimageofthecruel,uncaringstepmotherandthemistreated,unwantedstepchildforgenerations.Thislegacycanbeamajorhurdlewhenbuildingpositiverelationshipsbetweenchildrenandthestepparents.Sometimesthestepparent—especiallythestepmother—maybesointentonovercomingthisstereotypethatshetriestobe“supermom.”Thisroleisusuallyoverwhelmingforthefamilyanddiscouragingforthe“superparent.”2. Children ages 9 through 15 usually have the most difficult time adjusting to a new stepfamily situation.Theansweristrue.Childreninthisagegroupgenerallyhavestrongloyaltyissueswhenanewstepparententersthefamilybecause:
other,evenwhentheydisagree.Theycanweathermaritalstormsmucheasierthanacouplethathasnotdevelopedmutualadmiration.Thecouplemayneedprofessionaladviceiftheyarenolongerintuneandexperienceseriousrelationshipproblems.5. A stepparent living with a stepchild has the same legal rights as the biological parent.Theanswerisfalse.Stepparentsareoftensurprisedthattheydonotautomaticallyhavepermissiontosignparentalconsentformsforschoolandmedicalpurposes.Thechild’sparentmaywanttoprovidethestepparentwithalimitedpowerofattorneytohelpprotecteveryone,especiallyintheeventthatanemergencyoccurswhenthebiologicalparentisnotavailable.Furthermore,thestepparenthasnolegaltiestoastepchildifthebiologicalparentdiesorthecoupledivorces.Estateplanningandwillwritingarealsodelicatemattersforstepfamilies.Anexperiencedattorneyshouldbeconsultedtodiscusssuchissues.
Activity 3Therearemanypeopleoutsidetheimmediatefamilythatprovidesupport,comfort,andjoyforthestepfamily.Grandparents,aunts,uncles,friends,currentandformerin-laws,formerspouses,andperhapsteachers,clergy,andleadersofchildren’sactivitiesareallpartofstepfamilylife,butmayalsobesourcesoftensionandstress.Thinkaboutwaysthatpersonsoutsidethestepfamilycanbesupportive.Talkaboutgrandparents,livingabsentparent(s),schoolpersonnel,andcommunityleaders(i.e.youthgroup,religiousgroup,civicclub).Therearemanysourcesofsupportforstepfamilies.Sometimespersonsoutsidethestepfamilydonotrealizewhatmightbehelpfulordetrimental.Grandparents and Absent ParentsParentsoftheabsentparentandtheabsentparentthemselvesmayhavetodealwithstrongfeelingsofangerandgrieftowardmembersofthenewstepfamily.Remainingneutralandflexiblemaybehugetasksbutwillservethebestinterestsofthechild.Likewise,theadultswithinthestepfamilycanaidinsolidstepfamilygrowthiftheyarenotopenlyhostile
andnegativeaboutabsentparentsandrelatedfriendsandrelatives.Maintainingabusinessapproach,ratherthanshowingstrongemotions,canbehelpfulwhenrelationsarestrained.Grandparentsmayfindthatspendingtimewiththeirgrandchildrencanbeaninvaluablesourceofsupporttothechildrenbuthavetorealizethatfaultfindingoffamilymemberswillnothelpthechildorstepfamilyadjust.Ifagrandparenthasaspecificproblemthatneedsaddressed,itcanbediscussedprivatelywiththeparent,respectingstepfamilyboundaries.Schools and Community GroupsSchoolsandcommunitygroupsneedtobesensitivetothesituationsofstepfamilymembers.Itishelpfulwhenschoolsorcommunitygroupsrecognizethatachildmayhavetwohouseholds.Parent-teacherconferences,parentalformsforbothparents,andcommunityorganizationsthatrecognizevariousfamilytypescanhelpeasesomestepfamilystresses.
Publicationsarereviewedorrevisedannuallybyappropriatefacultytoreflectcurrentresearchandpractice.Dateshownisthatofpublicationorlastrevision.Contentsofthispublicationmaybefreelyreproducedforeducationalpurposes.Allotherrightsreserved.Ineachcase,creditCharlotteShoupOlsen,Ph.D.,CFLE,ExtensionSpecialist,Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies, Leader’s Guide, KansasStateUniversity,August2013.
Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service
K-StateResearchandExtensionisanequalopportunityproviderandemployer.IssuedinfurtheranceofCooperativeExtensionWork,ActsofMay8andJune30,1914,asamended.KansasStateUniversity,CountyExtensionCouncils,ExtensionDistricts,andUnitedStatesDepartmentofAgricultureCooperating,JohnD.Floros,Director.MF3098 August 2013