Spring 2013 AviOFF

Today.

WARNING!The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously.

All articles, photographs and editorials published in this issue are false and might (probably will) be offensive to readers. If you think you might be

offended by the content of this publication, please DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer. Happy April Fool’s Day!

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. – A blatant ter-ror attack occurred on Humpty-Diddle soil Mon. at 8 a.m. as Christian Fundamentalists targeted the Unwelcome Center and has destroyed the fountain system, causing over $100,000 worth of damages.

Two suspects wearing ski masks, blue jeans and black t-shirts were seen leaving the scene as the student body stumbled into school in the early morning in a zombielike state.

The fountains and pool outside the unwel-come center started to bubble and foam up as the soap powder thrown in by the terror-

ists worked its way through the system. The ensuing foam and lather overflowed and spread its way to the surrounding area, cov-ering the grass, bridge, and roads.

Dr. Jimmy John, University President decried the attack, “This is why we can’t have nice things!”

“I thought they were just stu-dents who had really ugly faces,” said Hutch Starsky, Director of Campus Danger, in response as to why no safe-ty officer investigated the people in ski masks.

Further investigation is underway as the Campus Danger department looks into find-ing the terrorists. In the meantime, the squir-rels are enjoying their bubble bath.

Attack on the Humpty-Diddle soil

The Plank of Distrustees approved plans for construction of Watson Hall on Tuesday. Due to the success of the Chick Diplomats program which increased the female ratio of Humpty-Diddle Airplane School to 19.7%, new sleeping accom-modations had to be built for the new number females living on campus.

The new ratio means that for every 4 guys on cam-pus now there is 98% of a girl, decreasing the degree of amputation per girl on campus. Watson Hall will be an all-girls dormitory locat-ed where Apollo Hall currently resides.

The new building will be an oval shaped, all-girls dorm keep-ing in with the same theme as Phallic Complex; however, Watson Hall will not fol-low in the footsteps of Phallic, and smell like genitals and urine, at least

ideally. However, the odds of yeast and mold infections occuring could be a problem.

Construction is set to begin as soon as the Plank determines the most inconvenient time to get rid of Apollo, most likely in the fall of 2013.

The new dorm hall will include features such as finger scanners which will open the doors after residents of the hall swipe their finger over a reader in the shape of

the building. Dyson Air Blades, which no one will use, will also be installed in all the common bathrooms and suites to maintain

with Humpty-Diddle’s green and “efficient” initiative.

Despite the ongoing construc-tion on campus, McKay Hall will not be torn down and updat-

ed to reflect the current standard highway motel structure, which was

the inspiration for the building when it was first conceptualized.

When asked about the decision to keep McKay, Favela and Squatters Life had this to say, “We are keeping McKay to make it clear to the stu-

dent body that we are adamant in our commitment to maintain male and female separation on our campus.”

New dorm for female amputeesGalctic President Supersatar

McAwesomevilleKwisatz Haderach

Ron MaroonCoyote News Network

MORE GIRLS FOR EVERYONE!

Page 1+1The Avioff, Today Kamptopus

SAG makes changes to better serve its students

After a majority vote by the SAG Executive Board, it was decided last week that all yellow campus sugges-tion boxes were changed to reflect the increasingly popular ERAU confessions Facebook page. It was determined that

the new confessions boxes would boost morale, school spirit and promote healthy criticism of the campus, its staff and students.

The SAG believed their yellow sugges-tion boxes could be better utilized as a hub for complaints, rants and suggestions – what’s more, the submissions are com-pletely anonymous. Though the Facebook page still stands, it is the hope of the SGA that the boxes will become the primary

form of feedback.“When you make something anony-

mous it adds more value to the statement, because people are able to speak freely without external stressors,” said student Meg Ryan, “this is probably the best pro-gram SAG has enacted since the yellow umbrella adoption program. It will be just as effective.”

The SAG encourages you to submit your thoughts, concerns, questions and tomfoolery as often as possible. Not all submissions will be addressed, but all will be displayed on the TV screens around campus.

Be careful when naming indi-viduals, using lewd lan-guage or describing sce-narios – use your best grammar and spelling skills so that your sub-mission cannot be mis-taken.

Another positive change for the university is the unveiling of the ERAU crushes Facebook page. In an effort to better serve students needs, the SAG was looking into an escort or matchmaking service when they realized they had a dating tool at their fingertips.

After a meeting last Thursday with the SAG, the administrator of the ERAU Crushes page decided to no longer pub-lish anonymous crushes – identifying those who submit their crushes to the page. Thanks to this daring move stu-dents everywhere are finding love.

“I was nervous I’d get rejected,” said student Jacob Malfoy. “But now that the site is no longer anonymous, I’m getting more action than a Riddle Skyhawk on fire at the end of the taxiway.”

The ratio of single to attached persons has drastically decreased over the week-end. The SAG is working with health ser-vices to order more contraceptive devices that may be available at the SAG desk in lieu of candy for the next few weeks.

Flavors available upon special request. One of the more exciting changes made

by the SAG is the addition of a full wet bar, scheduled to be installed this week. Students will soon be able to grab a mimosa in the morning, a brewski with lunch or a much-needed martini follow-ing afternoon exams.

SAG will be hiring a licensed bar ten-der and will be extending office hours Monday-Thursday until 9pm to accom-modate this new service. Safe ride will be provided.

The SAG saw the provision of alco-hol to off-age students, faculty and staff

to be a liberating and important service. Not only will it

promote creative thinking, collabora-tion and socializing – it will help engi-neers exponentially kill brain cells in an effort to increase their brainpower.

“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as

fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of

alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first,” said professor Jack Daniels. “Regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

The SAG advises that pilots and busi-ness majors should not try this as a means of studying or boost before an exam, the SAG doesn’t have that much alcohol. Be sure to stop by the SAG office to grab your very own SAG koozy or limited edi-tion flask for portable ease.

SAG, serving students and their inter-ests. Any comments, suggestions or con-fessions should be submitted to the new confessions boxes located throughout campus.

Consuela would like to remind you to please use the Dyson airblades conve-niently located only in the male A-frame Building bathrooms to clean up any spills that may occur while you are going to class and living out of the labs. We’ll take this moment to remind you that no one uses the airblades therefore they are greener and more efficient so as long as no one uses them to clean either, we will be cleaner and more efficient in cleaning up spills. A final reminder from the school-keeping staff, please don’t flush the Dyson airblades down the toilets and be on the lookout for greener and more efficient initiatives, when we get rid of all the drying methods in all the male bathrooms on campus, as well as all the napkins in the Udent Center.

A message from your friendly school-keeping staff

Whiskey JamesonHeavy Drinker

Last Thursday, Humpty-Diddle Airplane School announced their newest efforts to even out the male-female ratio.

Beginning in Fall 2013, students can enroll in the Bachelors of Science Airplane Hospitality major, in which they will train to be flight attendants.

The BSAH program will only be open to students who pass a strict physical evaluation, meeting a height between 5’5” and 5’7”, and a weight no greater than 115 lbs. After this, candidates for the program will be subjected to a close examination for any imperfections to the body.

Those who pass will begin training using virtual games like Diner Dash to learn how to serve passengers quickly and efficiently.

Once they have mastered those skills,

they will be allowed to move on to Humpty-Diddle’s brand new Airplane Hospitality Simulators. These will give students the ability to learn how to serve passengers in a more realistic manner.

In their senior year, BSAH students will be moved to the Flight Line, in which they will take shifts as flight attendants for pilots of the HDAS fleet.

During their shifts, they will be required to meet the pilot’s every wish and need, no matter how outrageous, as this will be what is expected of them in the industry.

Most students are reacting positively to the changes. “We need flight atten-dants here at HDAS. Sometimes when I’m on solo flights I get really, really, really lonely,” says sophomore Matt Bater. Another student, Ridel Visson, commented, “Flight attendants are hot.”

Dr. Jimmy John has been working carefully with Campus Statistics Inc.

to research the effects that the addition will have on campus. “We have con-cluded that the addition of the Flight Attendant major will increase the num-ber of females on campus by 75%,” he

says, “we also predict that the average attractiveness of females will go from 4 to 9. That just can’t be bad.”

Brace yourselves. The women are coming.

University announces brand new Airplane Hospitality Major

Rainbow UnicornChief of Magic

SAG makes positive changes to better serve its student body

Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville

Kwisatz Haderach

Photo Courtesy /http://fc05.deviantart.net/

Page (√81)/3The Avioff, Today. Avioff

After much deliberation and disagree-ment the Plank of Distrustees has given the go-ahead to campus Difficulties Management to upgrade all toilet paper in Humpty-Diddle bathrooms to 24 grit industrial sandpaper.

For those who are unaware, in the past many students in Systeme International Lab who have to work in English units; senior design class; materials classes, as well as AMS majors have been using the campus toilet paper to smooth out the rough parts of their projects.

Through the use of the school’s toilet paper many students were able to accom-plish what would take 15 minutes with a powered sander in less than 10 seconds; though you always had to wad up the paper to the size of a basketball to make sure you didn’t tear through the singly-ply paper

with your finger.This unintended and inefficient use of

the university’s service has enraged many members high up in the CoC as appar-ently the paper was only ever intended to sand away the roughness of Uranus. Despite the way the CoC feels, Difficulties Management has been actually looking out for the student’s interests in replac-ing the current single-ply toilet paper with 24 grit sandpaper.

One representative of Difficulties Management who commented on the condition of anonymity as they are not allowed to show concern or interest for the student body’s wellbeing said “[we] wanted to increase the softness and qual-ity of paper provided to the students on campus”.

The new 24 grit industrial sandpaper will be 20 times softer than the current toilet

paper in the restroom and should prevent past problems of tear-thrus and raw ass. Though the new toilet paper will still be able to sand most projects and work, the Plank of Distrustees also approved b a t h r o o m monitors to make sure s tudents are not

taking the sandpaper out of the bathroom and using it for anything other than what the plank wants you to.

What started as online virus has manifested into a deadly disease, shutting down the Avion Office indefinitely.

The problem started about three weeks ago, when Avion staff members were spend-ing unreasonable amounts of time playing the popular Facebook Game, Candy Crush. Soon after, the “Crush” virus morphed out of the com-puter and infected them.

The Screen Actors Guild (SAG) were quick to respond, locking the Office doors, disinfecting equipment, shut-ting off the electricity and sending the severely afflicted to mental inst i tutions. However, they still want students to

watch for

these s y m p - t o m s : Extreme unproductive-

ness, strained eyes, foaming at the mouth and unnaturally muscular pointer fingers.

“Candy Crush… it’s --- it’s every-where,” says sophomore Perry Noid, an Avioff staff member. He’s been locked in his room for the past week playing the game. “Watch out,” he says, “It’s com-ing for you next.”

The Avion is happy to report that it’s other staff members are slow-ly healing, with many of them being 72 hours or more Candy

Crush sober, yet they still fear relapse. If all goes as

planned, however, you should expect another copy of the Avion on the

stands next Tuesday.

Savor this article, for it may be the last you ever read.

Rainbow UnicornChief of Magic

In response to the recent terrorist attack by Amish Christian fundamentalist on the new Unwelcome Center the Freshman Class Triumvirate will be donating live gators for the moat of the new Unwelcome Center.

The trained gators are to aid in the defense of the Unwelcome Center against future attacks by insurgent forces as well as to discourage current students from making unsolicited excur- sions to the Unwelcome Center.

Due to prob-lems Florida gators have had in the past with the cult of Dionysus a t

Humpty-Diddle; the gators being donate by Freshman Class Triumvirate have been trained in the disposal of any Greeks wearing nonsensical words on a shirt, as well as attempting to kidnap them to boost their bankrupt City-State’s economy.

In addition to the trained gators being donated by the Freshman Class Triumvirate, Supreme Leader Jim Jimson is set to acquire a cannon for the Starboard side of Jim Jimson’s Yacht christened “The Unwelcome Center”.

The cannon will be for staff located in Col. Jimson’s yacht to use in deterring unwelcome students from making their way over to the yacht; however, with the addition of a cannon to the starboard side of Jimson’s yacht and due to certain mari-time laws, all faculty and staff situated in “The Unwelcome Center” will henceforth be required to wear life vests so long as

they are aboard the yacht.The new defense measures, once instituted, will keep The Unwelcome Center safe from future attacks except in the

case of an aerial attack where it will depend on the fleet of Cessna 172s to repel enemy F-15s. Despite the measures taken to defend Jim Jimson’s yacht in the case of future attack the rest of the campus

will have to call upon its pretend armed forces to cross Clyde Morris via a single bridge and defend the campus.

I don’t always build new building but when I

do I tear three others down.

Gatorland

Uranus is raw: New TP for HDAS

PHOTO COURTESY WIKIPEDIA (THE UNRELIABLE SOURCE EVERYONE USES)

They had to improve the ratio somehow....

This is an intentional blank box. *This box is blank because for a campus of over 5,000, apparently only 12 people on

campus can write articles....

PHOTO COURTESY DEVIANTART.COM

Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville

Kwisatz Haderach

Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville

Kwisatz Haderach

http://frank-raccoon.deviantart.com

Page 00000101The Avioff, Today Udent DeathAvion to Avión: Say hello to tequila

Parking problems solved by PS103 studentsThe students enrolled in PS 103 for

Spring 2013 have won a $3M grant from the internal research fund for a project that has alleviated the parking woes for Humpty-Diddle Airplane School.

This plan assures that individuals are no more than 500 m from their car at any time.

At 5:05 am on April 1, 2013, a 500-m radius circular cross-section of cam-pus, centered at Starbacks, was elevated approximately 3.382 meters for 1.314 hours. While this portion of the campus was elevated, a giant flywheel was slipped underneath and then the campus was care-fully lowered.

Now, technicians are carefully program-ming the flywheel computer for “Lazy Susan” rotation according to the following specs:

The flywheel will have an average peri-od of rotation of 10 minutes, providing eight minutes of uniform rotation and 2 minutes at rest. The rest period is provided for aging faculty to gain access to the cam-pus since it is doubtful they could manage stepping on board otherwise, being that the tip speed approximates 15 mph. The cam-pus will rotate counterclockwise, since we are located in the Northern Hemisphere.

“We are attempting to help students visu-alize Humpty-Diddle as a ‘low pressure’ environment, thus the counterclockwise spin,” said Chancellor/Provost/COA/Ricky Hoist.

It is likely, however, that student roll-erbladers will be flung from the flywheel if they venture too close to the edge. Administrators decided, however, that this is acceptable, since it will put physics pro-fessors on the spot attempting to explain why there is no such thing as “centrifugal force.”

Computers will monitor shifts in popula-tion on the flywheel as it rotates and adjust power requirements in order to maintain a constant torque to counter balance shifts in moment of inertia and thereby maintain uniform angular velocity.

Much research was done in order to determine what portion of the campus should be placed on the giant “Lazy Susan.” Basketball Coach Stove Rudder was adamant about having the Fieldhouse remain on terra firma and not on the fly-wheel. “The extra added Coriolis force would be a hardship for the bucketball team,” says Rudder. His argument won the favor of researchers, so the Fieldhouse will not be placed on the flywheel.

The purpose of the installation of a giant Lazy Susan is to cut down the transit time from remote portions of campus. In the

past when students arrive to a class in COA-Building, they could use the tried and one-in-a-while true excuse “I just got out of class in the ROTC Building.” Now, with the Lazy Susan installed, COA-Building will travel right past the ROTC complex once every 10 minutes.

Humanities faculty who teach “critical thinking” skills see the installation of the flywheel as an incentive for students to come up with more viable and creative excuses for their tardiness, thereby enhanc-ing creativity. “It’s a win-win situation,” Mo PhotoShop, Program Coordinator of Something-or-other, was overheard say-ing. “The installation of this flywheel will also give Avion reporters a chance to, omg, they’re bringing twinkies back! The new Pope is already preforming miracles!”

Both the Aeronautical Science and Mathematics Departments also applaud the idea of having a portion of the campus revolve. Former Aero Science Chair Mike Wigwam said that this will give students extra drill in figuring out which way is north, and since the answer if changing with respect to time, it provides calculus drill as well. Just to arrive at the appro-priate building at the appropriate time, students will have to be more aware of crosswind components (vector drill), tack-ing for position, and crabbing into the wind. ROTC cadets will be involved in

constant maneuvers.For rather obvious reasons, imbibing of

alcoholic beverages will be allowed while on the Lazy Susan. It is hoped that the rotation will discourage townspeople who are coming on campus to spend their hard earned money on the new Free Tobacco Policy. “Everyone else has to pay for tobacco” said student SGA representative Nicotine “Nicky” Skoal. “All the other citizens of Daytona Beach have to pay for tobacco. The free stuff is just for our tuition paying students.”

This reporter has learned that a number of females groups across campus are con-cerned about the campus being placed on a “Lazy Susan.” “It gives an unfair impres-sion of female students you know,” said student Suzy Sloth, “and we are searching for an alternate terminology for the fly-wheel -- perhaps one that is not gender-specific.”

Alternate suggestions have been pouring in with the most promising terminology (naturally an aviation term) being “Lazy Eight.” This could work, since the fly-wheel rotates for eight minutes and stays at rest for two, providing the periodicity of 10 minutes.

Installation and programming of the new flywheel begins within the week, and rota-tion is expected to be in place for A-term classes. PS 103 students rule!

Phil FishFaculty Plant

As many of you are aware, the Plank of Distrustees has approved the teardown of the Udent Center (UC) to be replaced by a new Udent Union (UU). Due to this development project the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) has been forced to reassess all its divisions and projects and unfortunately the Avion must announce that once the Udent Center

is torn down the Avion will be discontinued.Though the Avion will no longer be in produc-

tion, Humpty-Diddle retains all name rights and will be opening a tequila distillery in the new Udent Union, in partnership with Tequila Avión.

The new tequila distillery in the Udent Union will provide a new source of revenue for Humpty-Diddle Airplane School as well as some hands on experience for PE students taking advanced chemistry and stoichiometry.

The Tequila will be sold at all Sudexoh on cam-pus retailers for five times the suggested retail

and may be available in local bars depending on the profit margins. In conjunction with the teardown of the Udent Center, the East

Lawn will be tilled and repurposed to grow the agaves that will be used in the new Avion

distillery.After the first batch of free student

labor tequila is ready, Sudexoh will open a margarita bar at the flight center to promote the sale of Avión tequila and Humpty-Diddle can rake in commis-sion from FAA fines.

When asked what his thoughts on the new distillery were, the most interest-ing man in the world had this to say “I always drink when I fly, but when I checkride I prefer Avión”.

Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville

Kwisatz Haderach

Tobacco free policy announcement cause for lockdown

Humpty-Diddle security placed the campus under a lock-down on Monday, April 1, when the local news affiliate reported the new Tobacco Free Policy (TFP). Nicotine addicts from through-out Central Florida came to campus in search of free tobacco.

When officers attempted to tell the individuals that there was no “free tobac-co,” the crowd argued and insisted they

heard it announced on television by President Jimmy John himself. Security explained that there is a misunderstand-ing -- the President announced that the campus is “tobacco free.”

“That’s what we heard,” said Buzz Buckley, originally f r o m Winston-Salem, NC. “Humpty-Diddle is the place where tobacco is free. Just tell

us where to get some and we will be on our way!”

“I guess the way you guys can afford to give away free tobacco is due to all of that tuition,” said Suzy Maverick. “In today’s econ-

omy, this will certainly help my strug-gling family.”

A new press release was quickly generated explaining that the pre-vious announcement was in error. It explained, “Embry Riddle does not have a “Tobacco Free Policy (TFP),” we have a “Transitive Fundamental Purge (TFP)” in prog-

ress to encourage all parties to ....you know.

The mistake was blamed on auto-correct.

Phil FishFaculty Plant

IMAGE FROM BRANDSTORIES.NET

Page 22-1(22-1)The Avioff, Today Sausages!

Today at Humpty-Diddle Airplane School, President Jimmy John held a press conference in which he discussed the affil-iated alacrity dissipating through the cor-nucopia’s bosh in the student quintessence on the Spring Break Beach Campus.

“I’ll make this easy,” said John. “I have assured the Plank of Distrustees that the solution is short and sweet.”

He explained that the systematized reciprocal capability of the functional logistical analysis became so integrated that the modular factors are totally inoper-ative. The newly synchronized transitional mobility was overwhelmingly coordinat-ed with the recapitulation of cumulative resignations allowing for unprecedented modernistic wont for ubiquitous discour-agements.

“See, it’s so easy!” said John. “I can’t believe those of you directly involved didn’t think of this.” He went on to iterate the responsive creative flexibility of the analogous guidelines.

1) When the initiatory sovereign exe-cuted the organizational contingencies, the compatible monitored procedures were versatile, but no more. Now the extended management of the transitional factors are commensurate.

2) The asymptotic athenaeum is becom-ing defunct. With such a modular deter-mination, the ephemeral impermanence to inaugurate a mercurial environment where the capricious ambitions are sequential. A progressive conviction will precipitate a penchant for the inebriated.

3) Finally, the geographic internet will provide interdiction for the bereft of ency-clopedic smarts. This will embellish the School’s echelon among adolescent aero-nautica.

“This is so juvenile,” continued Johnson. “I hope this will be accepted with no fur-ther discussion.”

After such a plethora of incontrovertible of academic discourse about the Haglund taxation, it is indubitable that this motif will be broached repeatedly as co-conspir-ators reverberate the junta that this collu-sion will unequivocally inseminate.

Could there then be a union?The subsequent purview will dissemi-

nate the esoteric pneumate to hermetic abridgments of the arcane aberrations. The populace anticipates the trivial dis-sidence with the serendipitous jocundity with portentous cognizance through the easy potency. The verve sought by the cal-low innuendo is inexorable.

This actuates us to endorse the induce-ment of the documentation that posterity will be more sagacious.

President clears up all confusion

Phil FishFaculty Plant

Humankind’s desire to be airborne has long been inspired by birds. We look to the sky and see how gracefully they fly and how effortlessly they soar. Yet, despite numerous designs based upon bird flight, many of which were largely unsuccess-ful, the majority of our aircraft have been pitifully fixed winged. Discoveries in orni-thology and developments in engineering have managed to cure this ill and produce the first working Ornithopter back in July of 2005. Since then numerous companies have taken up the technology.

The Ornithopter looks much like an airplane, but with larger wings. The wings flap to produce thrust and can also be ori-ented to make best use of thermals and air currents. This means that it is significant-ly quieter than most traditional aircraft. ‘thopters are very maneovreable and can turn or roll on a dime.

Last week, Humpty Diddle Airplane School finalized plans to replace their cur-rent fleet with Ornithopters by Summer 2014. Learning to fly an Ornithopter is notably simpler than traditional aircraft, as the main control systems are a set of sleeves, which the pilot puts his arms in and flaps them up and down. Linear actua-tors along the flexible wing then carry out

this motion. Significantly more fuel-efficient and

with much more control than traditional aircraft, ‘thopters are taking over large sections of the aviation industry; several airlines, including Dolta and Divided, have already declared their intent to switch their entire fleets to ‘thopters before 2022. Sir Richard Manson, CEO of Slut Atlantic Airlines, has stated in a press conference in 2008, “the ‘thopter is the greatest inven-tion since sliced bread”.

Developed collaboratively by the Boing Company and Airvan, the technology was originally designed as a way to improve fuel economy and decrease overhead on large-scale commercial airliners, but has spread into other areas of aviation. Luxury and Business Ornithopters have been in development by Golfscream and light air-craft are in production by Flautist Aircraft. The military has also expressed interest in the concept, and has released no informa-tion about “unnamed ornithopter project”. Which probably means that it will be a really expensive bomber.

The FAA has expressed concerns though; after a close call last month where an Ornithopter stalled and dropped 2000 feet before the pilot could regain con-trol. Long time pilot James Bigglesworth reported that his “arms were really itchy” and he needed to scratch them.

HDAS to switch out fleet for ‘thopters

Captain YossarianB-25 Bombardier

As the entertainment division of the Student Government Association, Touch-N-Go Productions is responsi-ble for managing entertainment events to the entire ERAU Community. Eight indi-viduals serve on the Executive Board of Touch-N-Go and each one is fine-tuned towards a particular set of skills that together create incredible events.

On Friday, March 29th Touch-N-Go Productions held the annual game show night in the Student Center featuring BONK! The event was running smoothly as the staff prepared to greet the audi-ence members with punch cards and free concessions. “Everything was going great. Nobody expected what would hap-pen next,” quotes Mark Millimet, Vice-Chairperson of TNG.

At approximately 8:15 PM a strange aura filled the student center. The orga-nization recently purchased a popcorn machine and was known to frequently provide all audience members with a bag free of change. Popcorn and other conces-sions are managed by the Administrative

Coordinator of TNG; Tara Halt, however, was missing. General Board members became anxious with fear – without any popcorn how would the audience better enjoy the free event? It was then tasked to Gopi Thotakura, Security Coordinator of TNG, to locate the missing Admin

and the popcorn machine. “I slowly walked throughout the stu-

dent center until I came to the TNG Office. What

I saw… I will never forget,” recalls Gopi as he tears up in the arms of the secu-rity staff. While the details are too intense to describe

it has been dis-closed that Tara Halt

kidnapped the popcorn machine and was hoard-

ing all the delicious kernels for herself; the vast majority of the

popcorn barricaded the office shut and the staff was forced to watch in horror as they would not enjoy popcorn that night.

A subsequent interrogation followed this past weekend; Tara has refused to cooperate and charges are expected to be filed. Jarrett Bruckner, Chairperson of TNG, was quoted in his press release, “I am deeply sorry to all who were crushed at not having any popcorn. Effective immediately, Tara Halt is relieved of her position. Emergency elections will be held next Thursday at our General Board Meeting.”

Page (L4)The Avioff,Today More WTF.Touch-N-Go admin fired over controversy

Ben DoverPlank of Distrustees

Farm animals cause air traffic problems

It has finally happened, pigs and pen-guins learned how to fly. Due to radioactive vampire-like polar bears attacking both pigs and penguins because of their cuteness and non-extinction, the penguins and pigs had to mutate to escape their fury.

Dr. Stereotypical Smart Asian states, “This new species are incredibly remarkable and all efforts should be used to preserve them. “

Due to sentiments like these, Texans and other southerners are restrained from shoot-ing them to their regret and must be content with road kill.

Additional protocols are being put in place to protect the new species against angry cows since they are still unable to jump over the moon.

To rework around flying penguins and pigs, the world is currently remanufacturing their power lines and house roofs to be able to withstand the weight of pigs and penguins sitting on them however a solution has not been made for planes.

Guns and flares are not enough to scare away these massive animals. Only one solu-tion has been presented thus far: Force Push. Temple of the Jedi Order has offered a degree in Jediism (more value than a Safety Science degree) which guarantees that their graduates would be able to use the force to push these pests away from air fields. However, they require that 3 billion dollars to be given as

an upfront fee. This is the government’s pri-mary choice because it seems both the most logical and least expensive thing to purchase with the citizen’s tax dollars.

If we consciously make the decision to do nothing, the results could prove to be catos-trophic. Hopefully we can instill upon the general animal population that they are not welcome in our sky. With a bit of determina-tion, the animals will give up and go home.

All we can do is hope that a solution is engineered. And remember, due to safety reasons; do not look up in the sky as pigs are flying by.

Captain KangarooPublic Affairs Officer, Jedi Order

Dong-removal devices to be installed in COA

Due to “dongs” being unused at Embry-Riddle, the Aerospace Engineers have found a solution to make humans more lightweight and aerodynamic: including dong-removing devices in all bathrooms in the COA.

According to totally credible engineers, the dong removing devices (flame torch ripping devices) will be a simple, slow, pain-free process to remove an unneeded

part on the body. The pilots find this idea genius and are implementing it not only at school but at home.

Physics 1-failing pilot states, “I had no idea what to do with it for a long time, I tried wearing it up and down and even putting bows on it but now I finally have a permanent solution.”

When students asked why the engineers did not implement it in Lehman building, Engineers replied, “we were born mostly aerodynamic and do not need any assis-tance.”

Eileen DoverIntergenetic Finance Board

FAA has beef with SPAM

The fierce litigation, now well underway in the Federal Aviation Administration’s case against the Society of Psychic Auto Mechanics has ground down to a bitter stalemate on the grounds of total lack of physical evidence.

The Society of Psychic Automotive Mechanics was started in 1927 at an old pool hall in Detroit by a handful of Automotive plant workers and local mechanics inter-ested in exploring the unknown depths of their own minds and the potential power locked within. Over the following decades, along with rapid growth in the automo-tive industry, SPAM experienced steady growth in membership as well as an over-all increase in the skill levels of individual members. In the late 50’s, a mechanic named Francois LeMeaux, an initiate in SPAM graduated from the University of Chicago with a Master’s of Science in eco-nomics. LeMeaux brought SPAM a new perspective on the automotive industry and their full potential within it and started a program within SPAM that trained and encouraged members to focus their minds and meditate on raising the failure rate of internal components on cars and engines across the United States on the premise that this would lead to an increase in the demand for mechanic services and new cars. The trickle-down effects were enor-mous and LeMeaux, gaining much popu-larity as a result, rose quickly in the ranks of SPAM and obtained under-the-table sponsorships from all the major American car manufacturers as well as parts stores

and distributors across the nation.By the time of LeMeux’s death in 1996,

SPAM had over 15,000 members and support from over 300 corporations in the industry. In the fall of 1983, an air-craft mechanic requested permission to join SPAM on the grounds that the ‘A’ in SPAM could also stand for Aircraft. He was granted permission on the grounds that nobody cared anyway and aviation mechanics gradually began to trickle into the ranks of the membership.

The FAA lawyers’ case is based around a series of air crashes and unexplainable incidences that they are claiming to be results SPAM activity. An FAA spokesman recently stated, “SPAM has killed a lot of people. They are dirty crooks, no other way of looking at it”. SPAM has refused to comment to the press claiming they have nothing to do with it although the mechan-ics involved in the installment of the Boing 878 batteries and the Cockheed Milton Blunt Strike fighter compressor blades have been connected to SPAM.

Bad ReinigerLocal Supervillan

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23The Avioff, April 2 2013 Best Memes