Spider Jerusalem's Completely Hypothetical Bachelor Challenge, Day 1

Welcome to the Completely Hypothetical, Entirely Theoretical, Totally Imaginary Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge!

Come watch as seven willing SimSelf victims are thrown to the lion! The hot, hot lion. Rawr.

"In the beginning, there was a Legacy. It was a concurrent Prettacy/Uglacy run with identical twin founders, Orson and Isaac Vetinari. It was called the Vetinari Dualegacy, and it was good.

"Gen 4 came back from college, and the neighborhood started to glitch, and it was not good.

"I had a backup, and it was good. But the backup was older than I thought, and it was not good.

"So I have to play a good portion of Gen 4 over again, and it is not good.

"But I decided to do a BC to keep myself interested, and it is most definitely good.

"And lo, DrSupremeNerd (yours truly), brings you the Completely Hypothetical Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge for your amusement. Or your drooling. Or your drooling amusement. You know, whichever."

"Uh... question? Why, exactly, is this a completely hypothetical bachelor challenge? I mean, you have Spider Jerusalem, he's in a house with seven SimSelves, how is this not reality?"

Stacilee/stacierearden (Boolprop/Exchange) writes the Whedonberry Alphabet Legacy.

"An excellent question. Well, my plans for Spider don't exactly involve him hooking up with anyone any time soon, let alone a SimSelf who might not be so on-board with the, you know, angsty torture aspect of his plotline. So the winner doesn't actually end up with him back in the Dualegacy. They're all cool with it; I guess bragging rights amongst the rest of the fangirls is enough of a real prize. And that's why I'm calling this the Completely Hypothetical Spider Jerusalem Bachelor Challenge.

"This isn't really happening! It's like a mass hallucination! Don't drink the Kool-Aid, kids!"

"I'm not sure that any of this conforms to Victorian values."

Dicreasy writes the Victorian Legacy.

Stacilee: "Lots of things don't, Di."SimNerd: "Yeah, it's more 'meat market' than 'prim and proper' but it makes for some interesting viewing."

"I know. I admit to enjoying the odd BC myself. I suppose I'm just out of sorts what with all the bother."

"WHEEEEEE!""I mean, honestly, this is a bit distracting. And I think I'm getting seasick."

"Cassidy's here? Not to imply that that's not News Full Of Win, but why?"

SimNerd: "Hey, I don't like where he's at in the Dualegacy right now any more than the rest of you do. Spider Jerusalem's getting the chance to come out and play, why not Cassidy?"Stacilee: "Well, if you don't like it, why not get him out of there?"SimNerd: "It's a journey, much like the one his namesake had to undergo. Believe me, I'd much rather see him bouncing off the furniture, but he's not there yet. So, uh, enjoy it while it lasts."

Cassidy and Spider Jerusalem are named after characters in graphic novels: Preacher and Transmetropolitan, respectively.

"Hey, my brother's in a BC? Uh, they do know he's mean, right? Like, seriously mean?"

Cassidy is the eldest child of Gen 2 Uglacy spare (and villain) Cypress. He's a gay half-alien Pleasure Sim, and Spider Jerusalem's half-brother.

"Which brings me to another point. Some of my Legacy characters will be cropping up, like Spider and Cassidy, and they won't exactly be behaving quite like you might expect. Well, there's a difference between how they behave in-game, and how they're written for plot reasons. If you'd like to know more about the characters, or the plot, or just want MOAR SPIDER JERUSALEM, check out the Vetinari Dualegacy, available on DrSupremeNerd's SimPage, or the corresponding thread in the Genetic Legacy section of the Boolprop.com forums. But there's no plot here, so no need to impose my own slant on their personalities! This is them as they are, not as I need them to be.

"Incidentally, Cass, I think Di would like it if you stopped jumping on the couch."

"Ladies! Can I interest anyone in some childrinions* while I'm here?"

Larch Vetinari, Gen 2 Uglacy heir, Cassidy and Spider's uncle. Eeevil befauxhawked half-naked finger-gunning neat-freak extraordinaire.

Yeah, Spider and Cass aren't their usual Legacy selves... Larch is. I miss him.

*Childrinions = children minions. He is what happens when Eeevil meets Family Sim, folks, and his twins had three nice points between them. Which is three times as many as he has.

"Childrinions? Anyone? C'mon, SupremeNerd, can you say No to this abs-y befauxhawked goodness?""Larch? Do not make me come over there."

"Can we go see Spider? Can we can we can we huh huh huh? I wanna watch people try to be nice to him! I promise I'll sit down if we can go to Spider now!"

Ask and ye shall receive, Cass. Let's go meet the lucky SimSelves and the bachelor himself!

As a note, all the SimSelves are Turned On by Spider Jerusalem's hawtness, and he's had his Turnons tweaked to the SimSelves, so they're all on equal footing there.

And SimSelves? If you didn't have custom eyes before, you do now!

Well, these usually start out with a house tour, so...

MY 1337 BUILDING SKILLZPH3/\R THEM

Top floor: Dormitory-style bedroom for the contestants, communal bathroom, locked bedroom for Spider Jerusalem with nook for flirting and his own private bathroom. Modular stairs for less foot-stomping.

There are actually seven beds in the SimSelves' room; one's just hidden behind a wall. Don't worry, I'm not making anyone sleep on a couch or anything. Minimum two spaces between beds means no one gets trapped when they all get up at the same time.

Bottom floor: Areas o'fun! Pool table, poker table, food, table, chess tables, hot tubs and bar out on the deck, another communal bathroom, and doorless computer room for when it's time for the attrition to begin.

Yeah, the rules call for hot tubs on the second floor. Seemed a bit random to me, and since second-floor in-ground hot tubs inevitably glitch through walls, I stuck them on the first floor instead.

There are a couple of telescopes on the lawn, but they're going in Spider's inventory until the Knowledge Sims start whining about wanting a skill point and I let them stargaze--with so many Knowledge and Pleasure Sims around they'll look through them whenever, and Mortimer Goth is going to come a-slappin' if I don't stow them, which is not conducive to bonding with the bachelor. Although it might be fun to watch Spider Jerusalem beat up Mortimer...

And now to meet our lucky victims! Er, contestants. I mean contestants. Or do I?

Michelle: "I've been married off to many a hot spare. I've got this in the bag."

She's a Sagittarius Knowledge Sim.

MichelleFobbs/MichaelFobbs writes the Planetary Apocalypse.

Actual quote from Boolprop.com forums: "Hang in there, Spider. And if you need to marry anyone, keep me in mind, you dark cutie Reaper child!"

Gin: "These other girls may as well just move out now. I'm the only one he's actually had a crush on in the regular neighborhood."Yeah, well, it lasted ten seconds and it won't happen this time around when I replay!

She's a Cancer Knowledge Sim.

GintasticNecat writes The Science of a Legacy.

Actual quote: "Spider's gone to college, now I can WooHoo him... Bwaaaaaaa Gin Want!"

De: "C'mon, Spider Jerusalem would make for some excellent genetic experimentation."

She's a Pisces Family Sim.

fireflower314/[email protected] writes the Morgan and Pierce Legacies.

Actual quote: "And yay, Spider's off to college (And looking gorgeous when he gets there, dear lord *swoon*)"

Styx: "You know he can't resist the Styx."

She's a Cancer Family Sim.

StyxLady/lorddaeos writes Just Another Legacy.

Actual quote: "Speaking of Spider, add me to the fangirl list."

Orikes: "There is no resisting the Orikes Mojo."

She's an Aquarius Pleasure Sim.

Orikes/orikes360 writes the Pseudo Legacy.

Actual quote: "OMG, if there is a hypothetical BC, I better be in there! He is quite the hottie!"

Kendra: "We outgoing types are drawn to each other like moths to a finger-gunning flame! Those shy girls don't stand a chance!"

She's a Leo Pleasure Sim.

riot.fighter/riotgrrl4271 writes the Punk Legacy.

Actual quote: "I still love him! So cute! So conflicted! I want to hug his little emo self."

Kaiyah: "He is the hotness. I am the coolness. And we all know that opposites attract."

She's a Libra Knowledge Sim.

Kaiyah/Kaiyah2 writes Legacy Shmegacy.

Actual quote: "And you relieve us with a lovely shot of first Spider's butt, and then his handsome face."

This is our lucky bachelor: Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, the angsty heartthrob spare-spawn of my Vetinari Dualegacy. He's the Grim Reaper son of Legacy villain and Gen 2 Uglacy spare Cypress. In my Legacy, he's written as a little tortured and more introverted than is good for him, but around these here parts, he's going to be his own usual self. This may not be a good thing for our SimSelves.

He's a Leo 5/9/5/5/1 Knowledge Sim. Like so many of my Vetinaris, he is a meeaaaan finger-gunner. Sadly, fangirls, he is not outgoing enough to do any naked hot-tubbing. However, because I like to look at abs in pajama bottoms, he does have maxed fitness. This does not bode well for our contestants, should they do something to make him mad. Like Admire him, or Prank him, or try to Hug him. He is capable of going from 0 to GRRRRRR in one double-minus interaction.

Well, ladies, here he is. Any thoughts?

*swoon*

I'm sorry. I'll be good now, I promise. I'll just unpause and let the games begin.

*click*

Oh, and I zeroed out everyone's relationship with Spider and his with them. Equal footing all around! Also, it's Summer, at least for the next few days.

Gin: "He's hot, right?"Michelle: "So hot! And tormented!"Gin: "I want to heal his emotional trauma with hugs!"Styx: Oh, hey, I could totally get in on the hotness conversation!

Kaiyah: "So have you seen any rusty forks around here? You know, just in case?"Kendra: "I just wanna wait around and see if Gilbert comes by. Because you know that would be seriously awesome. Like, grab the lawnchairs and pop some popcorn awesome!"Kaiyah: "I know, right? And this time there's no kitchen to set on fire!"Kendra: "Rock on!"De and Orikes: CREEPY STARE

Uh, ladies? This is, in fact, a Bachelor Challenge, imaginary though it may be. One might assume that interacting with the actual bachelor would be a key to success.

"I'm just gonna chill out here, if that's cool."

Would you get back outside already?

Styx: "You're great, Michelle! Too bad you're going to lose!"Michelle: "That's not really admiration."Kendra: "So... rusty forks, you say..."Orikes: TICKLE FINGERSGin: It's really too bad there's no one for me to talk to.

Spider: OBLIGATORY FINGER-GUNDe: *whap*Everybody else: CREEPY STARE

Spider: This would be so much better if they were in their underwear. I don't think I want to suggest that, though.

But someone finally breaks her Spider Jerusalem silence...

I swear I did not plan this. It just sort of happened. Spider just walked up to Gin and started chatting, apparently about what he'd like to do to Gilbert, should he happen to show his face around the BC and attempt to steal any of Spider's SimSelves.

If you have not read the Story of Gin, Spider Jerusalem, and Gilbert Jacquet, you should. It's a quick read, mostly because there are only so many ways to caption shots of Spider and Gilbert shoving each other.

"...and he got all smelly! It was disgusting!""Yes, I know, I was there. Don't you remember?""I remember poking Gilbert. And shoving Gilbert.""You don't recall the crush you had on me?""The what I had on who now?"

OK, confession time. I moved Spider in a day early so I could get him fit on the Dance Sphere, and who should show up in the Welcome Wagon but none other than his arch-nemesis, Gilbert Jacquet? It was karma! Karma, I tell you!

Yup. Karma.

They did not, however, beat the tar out of each other this time.

Spider: First one to turn around gets a water balloon to the face! Come on, just a little farther!

Spider: "You know, I really don't have a preference. Black Sabbath is classic, but Ozzy's solo stuff is good too."Kendra: "Heathen."Kaiyah: "...and then he'd be all like 'Noooooo! Not the rusty fork!' "Gin: "Your obsession with the rusty fork seems a bit unhealthy."Mailman Pao: Just put the mail in the box. If you make eye contact, you'll be sucked in.

"Hey, I think I see Johnny Rotten over there!""Where?"

*sploosh*

Yeah, he could do this back home, but he doesn't. No idea why.

"Ahahahaha, that was awesome! Aren't outgoing points great?""I don't know what I'd do without my finger-guns!""Can you believe some people are actually shy?""Losers!"

Michelle: "Do you think we ought to be trying to interact with Spider Jerusalem?"Orikes: "It'd seem desperate if we came on too strong."De: "Really, no sense in throwing ourselves at him. The challenge is still young."Michelle: "But it's only going to get old if we, you know, talk to him."Orikes: "You may have a point there."De: "Oh, is it my deal?"Michelle: "What's wild?"De: "The one-eyed Jacks and the man with the axe!"Orikes: "Can we throw the Suicide King in there too?"De: "Okay!"Michelle: "Was there something else we were supposed to be doing?"Orikes: "Nope!"

Spider: "I could get used to this 'conversation' thing."Gin: "So in this alternate reality, we totally had crushes on each other!"Spider: "Mmmmkaaaaayyy."De: "I hope Gin's wearing kneepads if she's going to fling herself at him like that."Styx: "Yeah, I can't believe she thinks she's going to win just because of that teensy crush that lasted a nanosecond that he doesn't even remember."Orikes: "I dunno, maybe she knows something we don't know."

Spider: "Finger-guns for the window! Lookin' good! You keep on being see-through! All right!"

Seriously, there was no one on the other side of the window, and the only people in the room are at the poker table behind him.

He seems to know what to do with his stick. I'm sure he'd be happier with a partner, though.

"This is more work than I thought it would be!""Didn't you more or less volunteer for this?""Well, yeah, but I just sort of figured I'd win on sheer volume of coolness without having to, you know, actually compete."

Kendra: "We've all had chats with Spider! Time to celebrate!"Kaiyah: "We're so totally in the lead right now!"Gin: "Oh, hey, bar!"

Kendra: "So does anyone know when we get to the kissing? There will be kissing, right?"Kaiyah: "If there's not, I know somebody else who's getting the rusty fork treatment."

Gin: "Well, I've actually kissed him before, and I must say, it was a bit disappointing."Kaiyah: "Really?"Gin: "Yeah, Gilbert standing there scowling really killed the mood. Not that I mean to brag or anything."Kendra: "Suuure, you'd never do a thing like that."

Spider: "I'm willing to make peace with Gilbert, as long as he promises to drop dead on the spot."

Kaiyah: "I'm a big fan of best friends! They're the ones who'll post bail if you get caught stalking Mr. Big Jerk with a rusty fork in your possession!"Kendra: "I'm glad I'm not the one sitting next to her, Gin."Gin: "These forks aren't rusty. Are they?"Kendra: "You'd better hope not."

"You know what's better than rusty forks? Heavy artillery! If I had some ICBMs, I could wipe Gilbert off the face of the planet!"

Kaiyah: "Do I earn bonus points if I clean? Look at me be tidy!"

"Ladies! You know where to find me!

"...Ladies?"

And the Best Able To Take Care Of Herself Award goes to StyxLady, for her performance in "Autonomously Takes a Shower Before the Green-Fuming Begins!"

A round of applause for Styx, everyone!

This is the part that makes me miss all my Sims with 9 or 10 active points. Larch would still be wandering around the house finger-gunning anything that moves.

zzzzzzz...me...zzzzzzz...I rule...zzzzzzz

zzzzzzz...Knowledge Sim must investigate kissing...zzzzzzz

zzzzzzz...she looks vaguely familiar...zzzzzzz

Michelle: "I saw that thought bubble! Take that, Styx!"Styx: "It only counts if he follows through on it!"Gin: So the ball goes in the cup... sounds simple in theory...

This strategy would be so much more effective if a) Spider Jerusalem were awake; and b) they left room for him at the poker table.

This completely pointless slide brought to you by Squinge, the Sim Modder, and the Dance Sphere.

We hope you have enjoyed this completely pointless slide.

"Honestly, some people! Can't even take thirty seconds to make their own beds! Good thing I'm in no danger of being sent home, or else I'd have to leave them like this!"

Michelle: "It was only a matter of time, really. The early bird catches the Spider!"Spider: "That was kinda creepy."Michelle: "Yeah, I realized that after I said it. Sorry."Spider: "It's cool."

Styx: "I get some Spider Jerusalem time!"Gin: "Well, the best way to ensure my victory is to sabotage the others!"

Gin: "Suddenly I'm not so sure I want to win this anymore..."Spider: "Whoooo-eeeeee! I don't remember eating Sliders*!"

I'm sorry, this cracked me up. A lot.

*"Sliders" is a slang term for White Castle hamburgers. If you're Southern, they're like Krystals. If you live somewhere without a White Castle or a Krystal, imagine a teeny, greasy hamburger you can eat in three bites, covered in limp, greasy onions. They're usually sold by the sack, and a person eating an entire sack of Sliders is very likely to leave aromatic gifts wherever they go.

De's the first one to mention handcuffs! But is it too little, too late as the clock ticks towards noon?

Spider nabs the last seat at the poker table with Orikes, Michelle, and Kendra. But it's 10:30; will this last-minute effort on the part of Orikes be enough to save her from elimination?

At noon, the contestants fall neatly into three categories...

The three frontrunners:Kendra, with a score of 42Gin, with a score of 34Kaiyah, with a score of 38

The "better step up your game" pair:Michelle, with a score of 13Styx, with a score of 12

And the "were you even trying?" pair: Orikes and De. One of these two will be going home with a score of 0, and the other will be staying with a score of 7.

So who goes and who stays?

Orikes? A door has been added to the computer room for your convenience. We'll see you over at SimNerd's shortly.

Stacilee: "Well, that was anticlimactic."Larch: "Eh, there's always someone who has no relationship with the bachelor or bachelorette in these things."SimNerd: "Orikes? Anything to say in your defense?"

"I don't really know what happened there. I guess I spent too much time playing cards, and not enough time stalking Spider Jerusalem. Ah well, De and I are friends at least. And I did get to see Spider in his jammies, which is a definite plus."

"You should have done this challenge with me instead of that nephew of mine. Family Sims don't need to be stalked relentlessly.""Larch, you're dead back home. Spider Jerusalem's not.""Well, this is imaginary anyway, isn't it? What does the state of my corpsification matter?""It would be sorta creepy.""Meh. There's one other reason you should have put me in that house.""And what's that?"

"I hot tub naked."

"Hey, Orikes, sorry you didn't win. But you get one great consolation prize. Uh, just as soon as I'm done ogling him here. Feel free to make friends, though."

"Whoo! Did someone crank up the thermostat in here, or is it just you?""It's aaaaalllllll me, baby."

Stacilee: "Cassidy? Leave the jerk."Di: "Oh yes, by all means, pack a bag and go!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, hey, kitty!"

"Who's the little shameless attention whore?"When you're done with this, rub my tummy, scratch my head, scratch my chin, and give me catnip. Then we will play fetch with a milk jug ring until I get bored, at which time you will rub my tummy again, and I will fall asleep on your feet. When I wake up, there will be more tummy rubs and perhaps some tuna fish, and you will flush the toilet that I may drink out of it. And then tummy rubs.

Stacilee: "How does Cassidy not remember Mr. Big?"SimNerd: "Look, we can have Happy Goofball Cass, or we can have Cass Who Remembers The Dualegacy. I'd rather have Happy Goofball Cass. And it's not like Spider remembers anything either."Stacilee: "Except Gilbert."SimNerd: "Spider's hatred of Gilbert knows no bounds."Stacilee: "What about Larch?"SimNerd: "Larch is Larch. I wrote him exactly as he was; no reason for him to forget anything. But, hey, no need to worry. Some things never change."

"Hey, Cass. Nice place you got here."

"Hiya, Spider. We have a kitty! Have you met the kitty?""Yeah, he met me at the door for tummy rubs."

"Can I interest you in some childrinions tonight?""Why yes. Yes you can.""Really?""Yup.""Huh. Usually this is much harder."

Orikes didn't win, but at least she looks happy, no?

Orikes: "You must work out."Larch: "Hey, if I walk around in my jammies all the time, I may as well look good doing it!"

OK, everybody...

Aaaaaawwwwwwww

And now Orikes can go to her house to placehold the next chapter, and Larch can go join her when the BC is over. We are not done ogling him here, frammit!

"Check back soon for the next chapter! Can De spend enough time with Spider to save her from elimination on Day 2? Will Kendra, Gin, and Kaiyah continue to dominate? Will Styx and Michelle step up their games? Who will be the first one to push Spider Jerusalem's buttons? Who's the naked hot-tubber of the group? We get one step closer to finding out who ends up with Spider Jerusalem in Imaginationland!"

"Oh, honestly. Much as I like you, enough really is enough!"