Skit Script

BELEN JESUIT SENIOR SKIT2013

(DQ steps out in front of the curtains)

DQ: Good morning gentlemen, and welcome to the 2012 senior skit. (Points at student) Are you fired up? I love this guy, phenomenal guy. These guys get my toes tingling. My eyebrows are vibrating. (Lifts up sleeves and points at forearms) Goosebumps! You can't fake these!

Now, we begin, as always, with a prayer.

I wanna tell you all a little story.

There was once an Indian by the name of Maximus Lombardi. His son came to him one day and said "Father, where do babies come from?". He told his young son, "A lion and a gazelle were playing blackjack. He then got wounded in the Vietnam war, and ended up scoring a touchdown in the 1975 Super Bowl."

St. Ignatius once said “Go out and set the world on fire.” Doesn’t that get you fired up?!

Amen.

We will now hear the pledge of allegiance from one of the phenomenally talented seniors from the class of 2013. This Kim's got Chispa, I tell you. Chispa! YEAH!

(Begins to walk off stage but turns back and points at someone in the audience)

DQ: Hey! Button that tie up! Look sharp!

(DQ walks off stage, CHICKEN on stage.)

(CHICKEN gawks National Anthem. About thirty seconds into it BR. GERRY runs on stage and chases him off. The curtain opens on Dr. Gus' class. Some students sleeping, others playing on IPads. Paddy the giant IPad also in the class somewhere)

Gus Classroom scene

Dr. Gus: Ok class, it is widely believed that the Maya predicted that the end of the world would come on December 21st 2012. But this got me thinkin’. So I turned to my favorite primary source, Georgio from Ancient Aliens, and I have figured out that the end

of the world may come earlier than people thought. So does anyone want to take a shot at when the real date is?

Student 1: December 20th

Dr. Gus: eeeeeee no

Student 2: November 17

Dr. Gus: eeeeeeeeee no no

Student 3: I like turtles

Dr. Gus: no no shut up

Student 4: October 30th

Dr. Gus: eeeeeeeeeeeeee close we are getting there

Student 5: October 24th

Dr. Gus: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ….October 24th, I buy that

Curtains close video comes down

Video

(Curtains close. Screen comes down, and we have Fr Cartaya in front of the green screen)

FR CARTAYA: em hello everyones, and welcome to eh, Cartaya point O.

You know, I eh, hurt my eye over the summer, and I had to put a cotton pad on it. I said DQ, look at, my new IPad, IPad, hehe.

You know, eh, one of my estudents told me that he could not get into the universities of Miami, and I tell him eh, yes you Cane, yes you Cane, hehe.

I eheard that Reggie Bush left his pads at the football efield yesterday. Now he's eh running back, hehe running back.

I hope eh Mateo Buraglia is watching. I ethink he will get a kick out of this, a kick, hehe.

(Screen fades out and Fr Cartaya wakes up in the observatory to an alarm)

Oh my! I am alarmed, hehe, alarmed.

(Looks into the telescope and sees a huge fiery meteor. Cut back to Cartaya, "Impact Clock" appears on screen.)

It looks like lunch today is going to be meaty-er, he, meaty-er.

(Video cuts to Fr. Willie standing in front of camera as if he is holding it himself.)

FR. WILLIE: Hey guys! Fr. Willie live from the Dominican Republic. I just received word that a meteor was heading your way. That being said, I recall from my days as a student of Latin American history the prophecy of the Mayan Apocalypse. Now the Mayans believed the world would end at the end of their calendar, there's no doubt about it. Having said that, though, one Mayan inscription tells us that one man, ONE MAN, will be able to stop the meteor from hitting the earth. A descendent of the Maya, this man will be the only person, ONLY PERSON, on the planet who will have the power to speak directly to the gods and stop their meteor from coming. Having said that, that being said, keep your eyes open with open eyes for that prophet! Remember everything you do is for the greater glory of God! Our Lady of Belen......c’mon you could be louder than that. Our Lady of Belen....that’s more like it. Bye guys! (He says as he waves at the camera)

(Video cuts to a shadowy figure in, from behind. In a raspy, bat-voice. "Deshi-Basara" playing in the background)

DQ: This school goes on. Oblivious of the dangers that lurk in every shadow. Buttons are unbuttoned. ID's are in pockets. And yet they go on as if everything is just fine. But, there's something else in the shadows. A force for good. One that everyone knows

(Cut to WBLN interview, Roca talking to a young student)

ROCA: So, what do you think about the Batman?

STUDENT: (in squeaky voice) who?

(Back to dark DQ)

DQ: one that everyone fears

(Back to WBLN)

ROCA: are you afraid of the Belen Batman?

STUDENT: I have no idea what you're talking about.

(Back to DQ)

DQ: I'm the hero this school needs. When a man gives his life for a noble cause, he becomes more than a man. He becomes a symbol. For justice. For truth. For not skipping at lunch. I am-

(Phone rings, he picks it up)

DQ: (in batman voice) Hello? (Normal voice, steps into the light and we see it's DQ) umm, I mean, hello? Oh yes Fr Cartaya. What can I do for you? (Pause) A what? How much time do we have? Alright. (Steps back into darkness and in his Batman voice) I'm on my way.

Cartaya and DQ meeting- PART OF VIDEO!

DQ: father how may I help you.

Fr. Cartaya: Hello Tommy, I was in the observatory and I saw a meteor coming this way and I say to myself that I must warn everyone but unfortunately I am all worn out, worn out. So I give the news to you, just like wbln it is your news, your news.

DQ: Fantastic father, just phenomenal, I will get on this right away.

CARTAYA LEAVES STAGE

DQ: Man, thank goodness I have the safehouse in the batcave. There’s room for me and nine others…but how will I choose the others. [paces back and forth] That’s it! I’ll use that new iPad I ordered from Apple in California. I’ll program some spyware into it, and I’ll have him follow the teachers around. Only I’ll disguise him as a student….a foreign exchange student: Paddy!

Video screen rises. As it rises, with the curtains closed we have Father Suarez walk on stage

SUAREZ: Has the skit started yet? OOOOOO NOOOOO…….I could use some cake.

Curtains open

Faculty Meeting Scene

Starts with a line of teachers making their way into the room. Valdez checking ID’s. The last one in the line is Barq

VALDES: Stop. Name.

BARQ: Valdez, its me Barq

VALDES: Aqui no hay un Barq. Get out of here.

BARQ: You don’t see barq well check under Carlos Barquin

VALDES: BACK UP! (checks list one more time) There is no Barq and there is no Carlos Barquin, now GET OUT OF HERE!......JIMMY…..JIMMY

(Jimmy comes sound of earthquake with every step.)

Jimmy Takes barq and walks him out. By now all the teachers have sat down but they are wondering why this meeting has been called.

RAMIREZ: Mr. Font, what are you doing?

FONT: Examining the texture, and the composition, and the….the taste [begins licking paint brush]

ALEXANDER: Now that seems exuberant!

COUTO: Mr. Maza why are we here?

MAZA: Don’t freak out. DON’T freak out. I’m about to tell you something and I don’t want you to freak out. Okay, DQ gave me a note yesterday about this meeting. In it, was the reason why we are here today. But, this morning I had to take my son to school, my mini van aka the swag wagon broke down and I was so stressed because the Saints lost and basically I lost the note. But it gets worse. In all of that, I also got stuck at my son’s football practice and edited 675 college essays and….I FORGOT MY PANTS (walks out without pants)

LUND: Don’t worry Maza, nobody’s going to blow up on you. Speaking of blowing up, so I used to teach at another school, a public one, and one day this kid says “Hey guys I’ve got a bomb.” So naturally, all the kids start freaking out. Anyways, the kids

found out it was a hoax…they all went home that day and said ‘Hey Mom….I had a blast at school today.”……...BAD JOKE

RAMIREZ: WOW Mr. Lund just WOOOOOOW.

LUND: Sorry, Ms. Ramirez I think that joke’s the bomb.

VAZQUEZ: laughs

LUND: Wow I guess I really BLEW that one

ALEXANDER: Mr. Font, can I have some of that? ( smells and licks the paint)…giggles…Well I think Mr. Lund’s joke was quite Umorous.

DULZ: Mr. Alexander are you an idiot (says this while doing his hand motions) We all know that clearly this meeting is definitely being held to inform everyone that I am finally getting my own classroom.

VAZQUEZ: laughs

COLLINS: Mr. Dulzaides, the thought of you getting your own classroom is quite unlikely, ALMOST AS LIKEY AS YOUR BOWLING TEAM WINNING A MATCH THIS YEAR. Maybe after you stop stealing my power points, we can begin to talk. And Ms. Ramirez your sarcastic tone is not sitting well with me. Who democratically elected you to the position of the President of putting people down? The reason DQ called this meeting is clearly to announce that I’m receiving the Belen Jesuit Medal of Honor, because, as you know you can’t spell Patriot without PAT!

JULIO enters seen

VAZQUEZ: Hola, hola

JULIO: Oye papa, oye, que bola, como tu esta, que pasa, y los jovenes, si, que bien, donde esta tu ID?

RAMIREZ: Helllllooooooo slow down. Now Julio, I don’t mean to be rude but….please just get out

ALEXANDER: nyahhhhh, what in the name of the Curse of the Billy Goat did Julio just try conveying to us? Nyahhh that sounded like a combination of Kenny G and the Canterbury Tales.

VAZQUEZ: Fue muy Awesome.

DQ walks into the room. He is accompanied by LOURDES from the Wolverine Den.

DQ: Good morning ladies and gentleman. Before we begin, I brought Lourdes from the Wolverine Den to show off these snazzy pink, breast cancer awareness wolverine socks.

LOURDES: Hola chicos!

DQ: Arent they phenomenal? Mr. Artiz are you fired up?

ARTIZ: Man if there was a fire in me it’d be sky high man

LOURDES: Pero Mr. Artiz only ten dollars! They could be yours!

LUND: Ten dollars for a pair of socks?

LOURDES: Si Mr. Lund. They are still on sale!

DQ: Thank you Lourdes, you can go now.

LOURDES: Hasta luego!

DQ: I am sure you are all wondering why you are here. But first I would like to ask all of you take a look around the room. Everyone in this room is part of an elite class. You are the all-stars of Belen Jesuit Preparatory School. I know you may be thinking how it is possible that Mr. Artiz is already a Belen all-star, but I feel that the energy he brings to the table is unmatched. Everytime he walks through the door he makes my toes tingle.

ARTIZ: You know man thanks……Everytime You walk through the door you make my toes tingle too man…

DQ: Mr. Artiz, You are the best restricted free agent acquisition in the history of Belen Jesuit Preparatory School.

ARTIZ: Tommy, man, me and you…we got a lot in common man. I got this bike and I can imagine us takin the back tire off, stretchhhhin the bike, putting another chair on, putting the wheel back on the bike, and then ridin together man, you and me. one bike, two bros, just takin over the world man.….EYE contact MAN

DQ: Thank you Mr. Artiz. Now let’s get down to business. I have big news. I would like to inform all of you that we have a new foreign exchange student that is to be roaming the halls of Belen. So without further ado, I introduce you…….

(Vikram walks in and says)---“Hallo Im here tank you”

DQ- Im sorry Vikram youre a great kid phenominal, but its not you.

ARTIZ: Hey look man, it’s the Kite Runner, man

Dq: so without further ado I would like to introduce….PADDY

Paddy the Ipad walks into the room and all the teachers stare….

Scene ends with DQ’s huddle up and break…..’What school do you go to?”……”BELEN” (Collins says ‘AMERICA!’)

Curtains close

Coaches Scene

Apa: (holding a donut) to the 30 the 20 the 10 (eats the donut) TOUCHDOWN!

Barq walks in

Barq: Everybody stop!

Stuart: What is it Barq

Barq: Well I just got back from Tommy’s meeting and we weren’t invited to Tommy’s meeting.

Fraga: So if you weren’t invited then how did you go?

Barq: I didn’t go Victor I was not invited.

Apa: you just said you got back from the meeting. (eats donut)

Fraga: so egh what was the meeting about?

Barq: I was not at the meeting I was not invited!

Stuart: He is going crazy again this meeting does not exist.

Barq: No, Belen passing the ball does not exist. This meeting, however did happen, but I don’t know what, what, what ,I forgot what I was going to say.

Apa: Hey Barq has a pointT in bringing this meeting up.

Fraga: Egh, how so?

Apa: Well if there was a meeting, how come we were not invited. It’s like we are no longer relevant. (eats donut)

Stuart: If that’s the case, how do we become relevant again?

Fraga: well egh we could do some stenches.

All coaches: yea yea yea stretch stretch strech stretch stretch. (say this while stretching)

Victor: stop ( no one listens) STOP (no one listens) STOOOOP

Barq: Stop Victor? 2012?!?! what victor? We are trying to stretch here.

Fraga: Barq are you sure you have no idea what that meeting was about?

Barq: I never said that I have no idea what it was about I just said I was not invited. The meeting was about a new student in the school.

Apa: what was his name?

Barq: I think it was Paddy.

Stuart: Can he play Oline?

Fraga: Coach, right now we need to worry about finding this Paddy.

ALL COACHES MINUS STUART AND BARQ LEAVE

Stuart: uhhh hey barq can I ask you something?

Barq: yes Stuart what do you need?

Stuart: without telling the other coaches, can you uhh tell me about this whole passing concept?

Barq: yeah (barq draws the formation on the whiteboard with no running back)

Coach stuart: uhh barq, wheres the running back?

Bardq: No running back! when I was a student at Belen in 1832 I was the starting quarterback for the varsity football team and we ran a spread offense. Now what the quarterback does is throw the football (does the throwing motion)

Coach stuart: (does throwing motion and then does handoff motion)

Barq: to throw the football you must bring your arm back and then flick the ball forward. Now, the quarterback needs to hike the ball ( shows how to hike and does a barq "football"), after the quarterback hikes it the wide receivers are in charge of getting open (draws a bunch of squiggly lines on the white board).

Coach Stuart: ohh its a trap

Barq: NO! Once they are open, the quarter back will throw (does the throwing motion) and the wide receiver will catch (runs to the spot and pretends to catch) and scores a touchdown (goes crazy!)

Stuart: uh Barq, that's a long handoff

Barq: now you try

Coach Stuart: uhh uhhh uhh maybe next week, thanks barq

Barq: yeah baby, moral of the story is score more goals, now you try

Coach stuart: Down, set, Hut (goes to through the ball then pauses and hands it off)

Barq: NOOO

(both run off stage) Curtains close

Theology Department Scene

Br. Gerry: Deacon, Why are we here at 6:30?

Deacon: Hey! I’m still running on Notre Dame time

Arty: I might be wrong, but it’s the same time in Notre Dame as it is here man

Deacon: Alright, whatever, I’m glad that you all were able to come, Br. Wood, Ms. Fernandez, Fr. Suarez, Mr. Artiz. I called you all here today to show you all videos of some waterfalls and pretty flowers with some Ray Bolton music

Arty: Nah Nah man, lets watch good will hunting (hunning)

Angie: Aye, I like good will hunting

*Batman swoops in behind Angie*

Batman: Then you’re gonna love me

*Hits Angie, she falls down*

Angie: Oh, se me rompio una arêteAngie: Aye, people in this school have become so violent, They are like Piranas, swimming en una stream in a mountain, pero el stream, es made of Jello

*Fr. Suarez wakes up and says “Jello” then falls back asleep*

y encima de todo, es green Jello, Apple flavor, that’s disgusting. So they are their looking for Jesus Christ *(soft voice)Jiggle Jiggle, Jiggle Jiggle.* And then they see in the distance bits and pieces of Oreo

*Fr. Suarez wakes up again and says “Oreo?!” then falls back asleep*

como they serve en la cafeteria, eso es disgusting tambien, pero the oreos represent sins, un bit por aca, un piece por alla, un cheat y un lie, todo eso son sins, sins everywhere. And then you see a hook, in the shape of the devil and it’s saying “UUHH, IM THE DEVIL.” Pero you are getting too close to the hook, but just as You are about to bite onto the hook, Yesus(Jesus) in the form of an octopus, comes with his eight arms and rescues you, giving you un tremendo hug con his arms. 

Deacon: I’m sorry Ms. Fernandez, but that made no sense

Angie: Aye Deacon, why can’t you be nice like mr. Artiz

Arty: Aww thanks Ms. Fernandez but, I like green Jello

Deacon: Brother Wood is the only one that is making any sense; I think he deserves a treat*Fr. Suarez wakes up and falls down from his chair saying “TREAT?!”

Math Scene

Couto and Del Dago stroll onto the stage rolling their bags

Couto: Hey Del Dago, what is dat dat you have in your hand?

Del Dago: Oh it’s da TI-84 Plus dat I’ve had since da year I started here at Belen

Couto: HA! In Big boy math we use the TI-Eighty-Niiiiiiiine or da TI_Nspire, because dat’s what da real men use

Del Dago: Couto why do you always have to put me down man. Remember when we used to stay after school, teaching kids how to graph parabola on WWW.geogebra.com? We should be like two peas in a pod, like Jimmy and Valdes, they even have a cool handshake. We should be like two points on a line, two sides of a square, two derivatives in a function.

Couto: Ya…but those days are over Double-D. Ever sence O gave me his AP Calc class, I have moved onto bigger and better things

Del Dago: You don’t even teach BC….

Couto: BC? BC?!?!?! Ha! What does that stand for anyways? Betty Crocker?

Del Dago: daaaat was a bad joke Couto. If you’re so sharp den what does AB stand for?

Couto: A lot better!

[From offstage] Ramon: HEY GUYS!

Couto: Del Dago?! Did you tell da statistics teacher about the meeting? You know how I feel about Statistics!

Ramon walks in

Ramon: Why do you guys meet all the way in the Roca?

Couto: To isolate ourselves from –

Del Dago: Be nice Couto!

Ramon: Why can’t I ever be part of your math meetings? I mean I have more input than him [points to Father Suarez in the corner who is sleeping]

Couto: I mean he practically invented math…

Del Dago: And he can prove Fermat’s Last Theorem…

Ramon: Ya but I can do tha-

Del Dago: Without a calculator.

Ramon: Oh….

Couto: Mrs. Ramon, we’ll allow you to join our meetings as long as you don’t tell anyone that we are occupying da Roca.

Del Dago: And if you can renew our subscription to WWW.geogebra.com

Ramon: Fine, fine, fine I guess that’s only fair

[from offstage] Williams: Who’s in my theater?

Del Dago: They’ve found us! Mrs. Ramon you’ve revealed our hiding place! You gon make me quit!

Williams, accompanied by Valdes and Jimmy, enter stage. Jimmy and Valdes do cool handshake.

Del Dago: See Couto?! I told you! They do have a cool hand shake. We should have a hand shake. Maybe we can –

Couto: Del Dago, please stop. You’re going off on a tangent. Get it….tangent!

Del Dago: Couto, please…this has to be a sign. Get it, sin!

Couto: Del Dago….we were meant to be!

Couto and Del Dago embrace

Williams: So, uh, I see that the Math department is intruding in my theater…you know what this calls for right?

Lights dim, music starts. Williams steps to center. Del Dago and Couto stand to his right. Jimmy and Valdes to his left. Mrs. Ramon steps off towards the back. Let’s get ready to rumble comes on.

As dance finished, just Ramon and Williams are left on stage.

Ramon: Mr. Williams so this your theater?!

Williams: I’m leaving now…

Williams walks off stage.

Ramon: [AS CURTAINS BEGIN CLOSING] Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing. So get off

Interrogation Scene

Paddy is sitting in a chair, tied up, dazed and confused. A single spotlight is on him. The rest of the stage is dark. There is a strobe light flashing. The coaches surround Paddy.

BARQ: Why are you here?!

Fraga: What do you want from us?

Stuart: Do you know how to….throw the football?

APA: Tell me who you’re working for. You better! Or you’ll never make it in this school. Youre not gonna make it! YOURE NOT GONNA MAKE IT! TELL ME!

Barq: Tell him!

Stuart: Where is she?!

*Batman runs behind Stuart, yelling WHERE IS SHE?! WHERE IS SHE?!*

Paddy: (yelling) FINE I’ll TALK.

END SCENE

Science Department Classroom Scene

PA: Alrights babies, today we gun take popz quiz.

Student 1: Pop Quiz?! That’s not fair!

PA: Pero babies, all you do is sit in class playingst on those ipadst, not listening to Dr. PAst, and then I give you a pop quiz and you say ‘pero PA why you no tell us about el quissito?’ and I say ‘pero babist, I can’t tell you about no Post quiz. If I tell you, then it’s not post…it’s supposed to be post.”

Scull: Don’t worry, the quiz is papitas. Speaking of papitas…let me tell you about when I used to play baseball in high school. They’d say ‘Oye Iggy manda lo pa left field…..so I’d come up to bat and SU-PATSSSSSSSSS.’ Then they’d say ‘Oye Iggy pa right field…so I’d SU-PATSSSSSSS!” Entonces they’d say ‘Oye Iggy pa center fi-SU-PATSSSSSSSSSSSS!’ Papitas….papitas!

PA:. But babist before we take el quissito, Mr. Padilla is going to teach you some popz quiz safety.

Padilla: Ok gentleman, the first thing I wants to say is I DONTS HAS TO DO THIS. I donts has to do this. Second: there is absolutely no horses playing in the lab. ABSOLUTELY NO HORSES PLAYING IN THE LAB!

Horse stands up with horse head and walks out.

Padilla: If you horses e play in da lab I make you write a thousand bananas a thousand times…

Scull: Or a thousand papitas

Padilla: And if you don’t write a thousand bananas a thousand time I will make you poopy in your panties!

Padilla walks out

PA: Ok babies let’s Review for da post Quizst

Bravo: Bros good luck on your quiz and remember the head is connected to the shoulders, the head is connected to the shoulders….the head is connected to the shoulders….head and shoulers…[pulls out bottle of Head and Shoulders]...any questions?

Student: Yea, I have a question. Where is Mrs. Lara?

Bravo: who?

Student: Mrs. Lara, I never see her in the skit.

Bravo: BRO! Who are you talking about? Any more questions?

Student#1: where is the fetus

PA: (puts foot on desk, points and says FETUS BABIES)

PA hands out quizzes, goes to Keonte “Keonte CATCH!”

The students begin to take their quiz, but there is one student who is sleeping.

Sucena: Well, what do we have here? Excuse me Mr. (INSERT NAME) are you finished with your quiz? You are. Well would you like me to grade it for you? You would? Well let’s see (begins looking at quiz) well it looks like you left a lot of questions un answered I am afraid I am going to have to give you a ZEEEEROOO. What’s that? You want extra credit?

PA: What’s extra macredisttt babyst?

Suce: You know, Extra Macredist. The question? How many Points will Mater score on BELEN. That’s right ZEROOOOOOOOO

Student #2: its too loud can you please be quiet…..

Scull: OK, no this guy wants me to be quiet….what is this? [holds up a UM sweater] Is this a UM sweater?

Student 2: Yeah…

Scull: A UM sweater? Really? You think it’s loud? How’s this for loud? [Does Gator chomp] It’s all about the gators man! Tim Tebow, you heard of him? [gets down on floor and starts tebowing]

PA: Ok babies, time is up. If you can please turn in your papers to Mr. Jimenez. Faculty, Coach Barquinst just iMessaged me that we have an emergency meeting. We gotta go!

Scull: I told you guys! Papitas! Like my high school baseball career!

PA: Pero, Scull what was your high school batting average?

Sucena: ZEEEEEROOOOOO

All teachers except Mr. Jimenez walk off stage

Mr. Jimenez: Umkay guys, I will be having your quizzes now.

Student roll up their quizzes and throw them at Mr. Jimenez

Mr. Jimenez: Umkay, that is not what I had in mind Umkay. (one more paper ball hits him) Umkay

Curtains Close

Video Screen goes down. This video will show the coaches interrogating Paddy

Brother Gerry Classroom

Scene starts with nugget wrestling and Br.Gerry initiating the fight.

Valdez: (storms in) OYE, What are you doing? Get out. LOCO, Stop it, GET OUT>

Everybody sits down…as Gerry walks away he says

Br.Gerry:Who told yall you could wrestle?

Br.Gerry: (Logging onto Computer) “access denied.”……Damn, Eric from the Library keeps logging me out.

Student #1: Gerry face it, you forgot youre password.

Br.Gerry: I like youre attitude kid. Keep it up. YOU, what is my Password?

Student #2: GERRY1234

Br.Gerry: That’s itttt!!!!!!

Br.Gerry:Vikram go up and present.

Vikram: But Gerry you never said I had to present.

Br.Gerry: I don’t caree Vikram, GO PRESENT.

Vikram: Discus was invented –

Brother Gerry: Vikram, DO THE VOICE

Vikram but Gerry…..

Br.Gerry: Vikram……

Vikram: (in Hindu voice) My favorite film is Slumdog Millionaire. This Bollywood hit was shot in the Mumbai district -

Br.Gerry: stopi it (to student #2, don’t MESS with me…)

Stedent #2: stand up writes on the board miss and mess…Gerry pronounces both as MESSS

Student#1: Gerry youre an idiot…

Br,Gerry: I like you kid…100++++++++…………Vikram continue…..

Vikram (normal voice)….

Br.Gerry: VIKRAM, DA VOICEEEEE

Vikram:continues on….Gerry stops him

Gerry attacks Student #3…while beating him up…

Student #3 : im not the guy Gerry. You have the wrong guy….

Br.Gerry: WELL be the right Guy….

CHICKENS RUNS ACROSS STAGE….Gerry chases chicken in monkey run.

Curtains close

Social Studies Scene

Collins: Welcome, my minions, to the first Social Studies Department Meeting for the 2012-2013 school year. As always, we begin with…..”Jeopardy with Pat!”

Cleveland: Jeopardy with Pat?! What the hell happened since I left? Has everyone lost their minds?

Gus: ehhh maybe a little

Collins: Now just play a long, Mr. Cleveland! Something tells me today’s question might tickle your fancy. Now the question is

directed towards Mr. Nicosia; Mr. Nicosia, how many Presidents have their been in the history of these GRRREEAAAAT United States of America? Is it A) 44 or B) 43?

Nicosia: Um, well, um, can you give me a little space…um, 44?

Collins: Are you sure?

Nicosia: I think so…?

Collins: And the results are in…..Well Mr. Nicosia, I am so so so so so so so soooooooooooooooo glad your answer was 44! Because you are absolutely, positively, without a doubt, 100 percent…wrong. You’re wrong. Mr. Nicosia…you’re wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! You had a 50/50 chance and ya blew it! Now, Mr. Martinez can you explain why Mr. Nicosia is so….WRONG?

Martinez: Well, fellas, ya see…although their have been 44 Presidential terms *breathes on glasses*, there have been only 43 Presidents.

Collins: And why is that Mr. Martinez?

Martinez: Fellas, c’mon! It’s basic knowledge here. Grover Cleveland served as both the nation’s 22nd and 24th President. Therefore, Barack Obama is only the 43rd man to serve as pre-pre-pre-pre-president.

Collins: Well thank you for that fantaaaaaaaaaaaaastic response Mr. Martinez. And with that, let’s begin today’s meeting. Well first, Mr. DQ wanted me to tell you all to be expecting a new foreign exchange student Paddy, to sit in on your classes. But more importantly it is my pleasure to reintroduce a descendent of Grover Cleveland himself. Mr. Charles Cleveland left us a year ago but is back this year to begin a whole new era at Belen Jesuit. Looks like the number of student seizures is going to go back to 2011 rates now that his power points will be back on our smart boards.

Cleveland: Hey man. I ask them if they want to see the power point or not. They always say “yes, yes, feed me Mr. Cleveland” and then they are all like “ O my God what’s with all these flashing lights.” Now Mr. Dulzaides can you at least pretend you want to be here?!?!

Dulz: Pfft (takes off his beats and rolls his eyes)

Cleveland: Anyways, like I was saying before I was so RUUUUUDELY interrupte-

*KNOCKS ON DOOR*

Cleveland: Holy John Maynard Keynes *high pitch* am I ever gonna be able to frickin teach? Who’s there?!

Paddy walks in and sits down

Cleveland: I swear to God, man-

Collins: Mr. Cleveland…we don’t “Swear to God” here. Just like we don’t consider bowling a sport. Now continue.

Cleveland: *frustrated* I swear to GOSH, man, next shmuck that walks in here I’m gonna be frickin pissed. So I go back to Tennessee and my first day there, my first frickin day, my son comes home and he’s all like ‘dad, I got laid off from work’ and I’m just like go get a frickin job man!

Gus: Ya, I mean, he should get a job….a job….I buy that.

Nicosia: Mr. Cleveland you should tell your son to hit the border and head up to the Great North. You’ve got maple leaves, maple syrup, Canadian bacon, and they even got regular bacon over there too. I remember when me and my crew buddies from Canisius decided to grab life by the horns and spend the weekend in Toronto. There was a mish-mosh of bocce ball and hockey big enough to get our whole gang hootin’ and hollerin’

Dulz: Bacci ball is a sissy sport. Bowling is for men.

Nicosia: Oh yeah, because everyoneee loves the Bowlverines. Tell me this big man. Does the team still use bumpers?

Dulz: I don’t need to take this. I WENT TO GEORGETOWN.

Cleveland: Anyways, so after my son loses his job, my daughter comes home and is all like “daddy, I want to sing!” So now I’m spending 400 dollars a month on a damn singing coach. I mean seriously? That’s as useful as hiring a bowling coach!

Martinez: So you’re saying it ain’t useful at all!

ALL: laughter

Dulzaides stands up and leaves

Cleveland: But seriously, I mean she’s good, great voice, but she’s not going to be America’s Idol or anything like that. Dr. Gus you’ve heard her. She’s good right, riiiiiiiggghhhtttt?!

Gus: ehhhhhhhh I buy that!

Collins: Mr. Cleveland, I don’t mean to push your buttons, but that seems a bit biased. Or at least impartial to say the very least.

Cleveland: Impartial? Bias? You’re the one making fun of my powerpoints. I mean seriously have you seen your own?....[in mimicking tone] so students, who’s the shortest president? Uhh, FDR, because he had a wheel chair?

Collins: Mr. Cleveland that is very offensive!

Nicosia: Quit the hootin’ and hollerin.

Gus: ehhhhh

Barq barges into meeting

Barq: News is bad, bad news, protein YEAH!

Collins: What is it Coach Barquin?

Barq: Emergency faculty meeting NOW! Tommy’s meeting….ipad…meeting meteor…..meteor BOOM!....touchdown! YEAH!

Nicosia: Christ on the cross, What in the name of Yankee Doodle Dandy is he saying?

Cleveland: Has everyone lost their mind?

Martinez: Fellas…I’ve worked alongside Coach Barquin for years now. I speak his language. What he’s tryin’ to say here is that Mr. De Quesada’s gone Benedict Arnold on the faculty. This Paddy that Pat told us about is more of a Julius Rothenberg than a foreign exchange student. He’s a spy! A meteor is on its way, fellas. It could be D-Day real soon and Barq was just acting as the faculty’s Paul Revere to spread the message.

Collins: We better get to this meeting!

Janitors scene:

Janitors are cleaning. They signal to one another that it’s time. They grab radio, turn on boom box, and dance to “Gasolina” until they are interrupted by DQ who starts dancing himself.

Climax Scene