Sidestepping the Power Struggle The Background View.

Sidestepping the Power Sidestepping the Power StruggleStruggle

The Background ViewThe Background View

Parent Education Parent Education

Many programs focus on discipline – Many programs focus on discipline – reward instead of punishment but are still reward instead of punishment but are still about control and lack of attunementabout control and lack of attunement

Some programs bring in communication Some programs bring in communication which is better but often don’t touch on the which is better but often don’t touch on the parent’s emotionsparent’s emotions

Why teach parents?Why teach parents?

Parents can come to understand themselves Parents can come to understand themselves (past and present) and their family of origin as (past and present) and their family of origin as they work to nurture their childrenthey work to nurture their children

Main and Goldwyn have suggested that the way Main and Goldwyn have suggested that the way adults can flexibly access information about adults can flexibly access information about childhood and reflect upon such information in a childhood and reflect upon such information in a coherent manner determines their likelihood of coherent manner determines their likelihood of raising securely attached children. raising securely attached children.

Parents can learn about how to identify their Parents can learn about how to identify their emotions and control their behavioremotions and control their behavior

Those who will not learn from the past are Those who will not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.doomed to repeat it.Parents can purposefully choose their Parents can purposefully choose their behavior with their child’s emotional well- behavior with their child’s emotional well- being in mind.being in mind.Parents with dysfunctional upbringings just Parents with dysfunctional upbringings just don't know what is healthy for children. don't know what is healthy for children. Many parents (especially fathers) will Many parents (especially fathers) will make changes more easily when they take make changes more easily when they take courses rather than being confronted with courses rather than being confronted with their inadequacies. their inadequacies.

Parents can learn about and heal Parents can learn about and heal themselves as they learn about how to themselves as they learn about how to relate to their children. relate to their children.

Parents can learn to:Parents can learn to:

understand kids' development and understand kids' development and temperament, so that they can accept temperament, so that they can accept normal child behavior normal child behavior

listen and be attuned to their kids' feelings listen and be attuned to their kids' feelings and needs and needs

listen to their own feelings and needs listen to their own feelings and needs

reduce their emotional triggering and reduce their emotional triggering and control their emotion-based responses control their emotion-based responses

understand family interactions and understand family interactions and consciously change them consciously change them let go of control and become life coaches let go of control and become life coaches to their children to their children respect both their children's and their own respect both their children's and their own boundaries boundaries talk to kids with respect and kindness, and talk to kids with respect and kindness, and resolve conflicts resolve conflicts help their kids develop healthy self-esteem help their kids develop healthy self-esteem understand the strengths and flaws of their understand the strengths and flaws of their own upbringing own upbringing

Understanding Children's Understanding Children's CapacitiesCapacities

Many parents don't understand normal Many parents don't understand normal childhood and childishness. childhood and childishness.

Parents who were expected to mop the floor and Parents who were expected to mop the floor and clean up their rooms at four don't understand the clean up their rooms at four don't understand the limitations of kids' abilities. limitations of kids' abilities.

Parents who weren't allowed independence as Parents who weren't allowed independence as teens think their teens are "bad." teens think their teens are "bad."

Don't assume parents know child development Don't assume parents know child development or have realistic expectations.or have realistic expectations.

Why Teach Development?Why Teach Development?

Teaching about normal development and Teaching about normal development and individual differences allows parents to individual differences allows parents to loosen up and give themselves and their loosen up and give themselves and their kids slack. kids slack. Parents get triggered to fear and anger by Parents get triggered to fear and anger by behaviors they were punished for as behaviors they were punished for as children. children. Parents can recognize how they were Parents can recognize how they were mistreated when they learn what's normal.mistreated when they learn what's normal.

Kids' Cognitive LimitationsKids' Cognitive Limitations

Parents expect too much from kids Parents expect too much from kids cognitively. cognitively.

Predictable problems occur. Predictable problems occur.

Parents' frustration leads to Parents' frustration leads to misattunement. misattunement.

Parents' frustration leads to abuse. Parents' frustration leads to abuse.

Parents need permission to go easy on Parents need permission to go easy on kids and have a sense of humor.kids and have a sense of humor.

Importance of Teaching about Importance of Teaching about Kids' EmotionsKids' Emotions

Parents' embarrassment and helplessness can Parents' embarrassment and helplessness can lead to rejection and punishment when kids most lead to rejection and punishment when kids most need support. need support. Parents also "lose it" emotionally, so teaching Parents also "lose it" emotionally, so teaching about children's feelings helps parents learn to about children's feelings helps parents learn to cope with their own feelings. cope with their own feelings. This prepares parents to learn about their own This prepares parents to learn about their own emotional states. emotional states. Parents were often called "selfish" when they Parents were often called "selfish" when they expressed their own needs or were egocentric.expressed their own needs or were egocentric.

Letting Go of Control and Becoming Letting Go of Control and Becoming a Life Coach to your Childrena Life Coach to your Children

Not:  to raise "good," obedient children, Not:  to raise "good," obedient children, who fit in to all society's expectations and who fit in to all society's expectations and don't express strong feelings or have don't express strong feelings or have personal opinions. personal opinions. To raise mature, responsible adults who To raise mature, responsible adults who have empathy-based values and can have empathy-based values and can manage their lives. manage their lives. Parenting based on obedience Parenting based on obedience undermines this goal.undermines this goal.

New Goals for ParentsNew Goals for Parents

Parents learned as children that adults are to Parents learned as children that adults are to control children. control children. Controlling children brings resistance and power Controlling children brings resistance and power struggles. struggles. Parents learned as children that obedience is Parents learned as children that obedience is being "good." being "good." Parents learned to deny their own empathy in Parents learned to deny their own empathy in favor of control and obedience. favor of control and obedience. Parental peer pressure and "expert" teaching Parental peer pressure and "expert" teaching maintain the status quo.maintain the status quo.

Use of ConsequencesUse of Consequences

Parents over-use consequences. Parents over-use consequences. Controlling parents undermine kids' responsibility. Controlling parents undermine kids' responsibility. Substituting reward for punishment is still controlling. Substituting reward for punishment is still controlling. Reward for desired behavior implies punishment (lack of Reward for desired behavior implies punishment (lack of reward) for misbehavior. reward) for misbehavior. Consequences stress parents! Consequences stress parents! Use artificial consequences only when natural ones Use artificial consequences only when natural ones won't work soon enough or are devastating. won't work soon enough or are devastating. Time Out and Grounding are over-used.Time Out and Grounding are over-used.

Limits Should Reflect People's Limits Should Reflect People's BoundariesBoundaries

Any rules and limits need to reflect family Any rules and limits need to reflect family members' personal boundaries, not the members' personal boundaries, not the parent's need for control. parent's need for control.

"You have up to the end of my nose." "You have up to the end of my nose."

The Golden Rule is the basis for The Golden Rule is the basis for boundaries--treat others the way you want boundaries--treat others the way you want to be treated.to be treated.

Respecting BoundariesRespecting Boundaries

Nagging, controlling, overprotection, and Nagging, controlling, overprotection, and imposing too many consequences are all imposing too many consequences are all boundary violations. boundary violations. Parents need to respect children's Parents need to respect children's boundaries of space, time, and decision-boundaries of space, time, and decision-making. making. Needy and intrusive parents can learn Needy and intrusive parents can learn from this section to respect children's from this section to respect children's boundaries.boundaries.

Why Teach Communication?Why Teach Communication?

Parents do what they saw their own parents and Parents do what they saw their own parents and teachers do--lecture, moralize, instruct, criticize. teachers do--lecture, moralize, instruct, criticize.

Parents think kids should "listen" (obey) and Parents think kids should "listen" (obey) and adults should instruct. adults should instruct.

Parents need permission to listen to kids. Parents need permission to listen to kids.

Parents need new ways of speaking to kids. Parents need new ways of speaking to kids.

Parent-child conflict can be resolved when Parent-child conflict can be resolved when parents learn to focus on the problem, not parents learn to focus on the problem, not control.control.

Helping Kids Develop Healthy Helping Kids Develop Healthy Self-EsteemSelf-Esteem

Society pressures parents to have "good" Society pressures parents to have "good" (obedient) kids. (obedient) kids. Parents who had to be "good" kids are Parents who had to be "good" kids are susceptible to peer pressure. susceptible to peer pressure. Parents compete via kids' success. Parents compete via kids' success. Parents who need to be right make their Parents who need to be right make their kids wrong. kids wrong. Parents need to reflect on their family of Parents need to reflect on their family of origin's conditions of worth.origin's conditions of worth.

Learning About and From Your Learning About and From Your Own HistoryOwn History

When parents understand their own When parents understand their own history, they can become able to avoid history, they can become able to avoid repeating its negative features! repeating its negative features! Grieving is necessary. Grieving is necessary. When parents have new ways of When parents have new ways of understanding children, they can help their understanding children, they can help their "inner child" as well as their outer children. "inner child" as well as their outer children. Parents need new skills and frameworks Parents need new skills and frameworks to replace the old ones they grew up with.to replace the old ones they grew up with.