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The Parenting Children Course Scripts

Session 3 – Setting BoundariesPlease note:

Text in a box indicates when Nicky and Sila tell stories from their own experience. These may be replaced with a live speaker’s personal experience, or the speaker may tell the story about Nicky and Sila in the same way that they tell stories about others. A text box is also used for the prayer at the end of each session which, if you would prefer, you can replace with your own.

The scripts include the filmed clip inserts that Nicky and Sila use when giving the talks live. The DVDs have a separate menu of chapter stops for the filmed clip inserts. These are indicated by the numbers 1.0, 1.1, 1.2 etc.

Each session contains more inserts than time permits when giving the talks live. The boxes where the script is struck through show the inserts that Nicky and Sila choose to omit due to time pressures. For example:

Insert – 3.4 Parents – discussing childrenIN 00:45:00

However, you should feel free to make your own selection regarding which inserts you show and which you omit.

It may not be possible to show the presentation slides as well as using the DVD inserts if you do not have the technology required to support both at the same time. If this applies to you, please feel free to leave out the presentation slides.

Part 1: Combining love and limits

NICKYWelcome to Session 3 of The Parenting Course.

We hope you’re finding the course helpful and you’ve been able to put some new ideas into practice. If you think it is complex being a parent, then you’re not alone. I remember some years ago, when Tony Blair was Prime Minister,

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reading a quote by him, which said: ‘I find being a parent more difficult than being Prime Minister.’ I found that very reassuring.

SILAOne of the challenges is that children can be very adept at making excuses from a young age.

When Barny was three he went to a nursery school situated right next to where we lived. One day his teacher came to our door holding Barny’s hand and looking rather worried. She told us that Barny had got something stuck up his nose, but she wasn’t sure what. I was tempted to be furious with him right away as he and his friend had only the week before pushed some flower buds up their nose, and the school and I had told him how dangerous that was. However, I didn’t want to risk him inhaling the object, whatever it was, so I said nothing and went to get the tweezers. I then proceeded to pull a large button out of Barny’s nose. At which point I asked Barny very crossly why he had put it up his nose. His reply was that he hadn’t. ‘Then, how did it get there?’ I demanded. To which Barny replied without any hesitation, ‘It sort of fell up my nose!’

Our children’s excuses must not stop us setting boundaries for their behaviour, which is the topic of this session. Through doing so, we help them to make good choices.

NICKYIn this session we’ll be looking at the importance of setting boundaries for our children’s behaviour and how, through doing so, we help them to make good choices.

Why do we set boundaries?

First of all we want to look at why we need to set boundaries. Some people think, if we ensure our children feel loved, all will be well. There’s a proverb in the Bible, which goes, ‘Those who love their children are careful to discipline them.’ So, setting boundaries is something we do for our children. Love and discipline go together – they’re not contradictory.

In fact we do them a disservice if we don’t set boundaries, as our children will grow up thinking that they can do what they like, when they like, and believe that the world revolves around them and their own needs. They will end up very self-centred.

Insert – 3.0 Rob Parsons – toddler property lawsIN 00:02:35

Rob Parsons The other day I came across something called a Toddler’s Property Laws: ‘If I like it, it’s mine. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine. If I saw it first, it’s mine. If it looks

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like mine, it’s mine. If you’re playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. If it’s broken, it’s yours!’ And time and time again we have to train them, don’t we, not to act in that way. You know, sometimes if we let them act that way as a five-year-old, they’ll act that way as a thirty-five-year-old. So all the time we’re trying to teach them the power of boundaries: what’s acceptable, what’s not acceptable.

OUT 00:03:13

NICKYWhen a child is taught the difference between kind and selfish behaviour, they’re learning lessons for life. They learn to take responsibility for their own actions, which in turn enables them to form healthy relationships.

Insert – 3.1 Liam Carr – benefits of boundaries as a teacherIN 00:03:28

Liam Carr As a teacher, I’ve taught my students about boundaries and disciplines. For instance, in one football lesson (’cos they all love football) I’ve decided to say, ‘Okay’ – the focus was rules: I took away all the rules and I told them we’re going to play for two minutes without rules. And, you know, within seconds one of the kids was hurt, up looking at me saying, ‘That was a foul!’ And I repeated, ‘No rules!’ And they started to clue on. And they picked up the ball and they started running. And he ran round the field, and everyone’s chasing them, and it got manic. Then I sat them down and I said, ‘Right, we’re going to play two minutes with rules.’ And then eventually when I questioned them and asked them some questions about it, they suddenly realised actually it’s there to have fun, not just to restrict you from doing what you want – it enables you to be able to play a game and have fun. So that’s what I drew out of that lesson looking at boundaries and discipline, actually.

OUT 00:04:11

NICKYThe combination of loving our children unconditionally and putting in appropriate boundaries for their behaviour is foundational for our children’s development and for their journey to maturity.

Love and boundaries together give our children a healthy respect for authority. Authority is an important and necessary part of life. Modelling a respect for authority starts with us in the home.

Insert – 3.2 Dr Aric Sigman and Julie Johnson – respecting authorityIN 00:04:35

Dr Aric Sigman The way that we respond to authority, of course, will have a very big impact on how our children respond to authority. So, for example, if we undermine the headmistress at our child’s school or the teacher by saying silly things about

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them and disempowering those figures of authority, of course that’s not going to be teaching our children to respect authority.

Julie Johnson Children definitely need to respect figures of authority, whether it be their parents, whether it be teachers in school, whether it be, a police officer on the street, whether it be a shopkeeper – somebody who, you know, needs to be respected. But it is important because I think one of the dangers today is, possibly because parents aren’t instilling that in their children, a lot of children don’t respect teachers, don’t respect a level of authority in our society and then that doesn’t enable a child to function well and healthily within that society.

OUT 00:05:23

NICKYAs well as teaching our children to have a respect for authority, we also need to let them know that they must speak out if that authority is being abused in any way.

Many children are growing up today without an understanding that authority is an important and necessary part of life – and that’s making it harder for teachers and other authority figures to impose order.

Insert – 3.3 Liam Carr and Timothy Johns – boundaries in the homeIN 00:05:44

Liam Carr One thing I’d love parents to do more, actually, is to set boundaries and routines. To have a set routine means that when they come to school things are a lot easier. I sometimes find as a teacher I’m like the parent – I’m teaching the boundaries, the routines: when to go to lesson, how to get there on time. And at home sometimes they’re not there. And schools and teachers, we can find that very difficult.

Timothy Johns If young children don’t have boundaries, then they’re going to find the routines and the structure of school life difficult. They particularly will have difficulty listening and participating fully within lessons because, if they are used to having their own agenda, used to getting their own way, if parents are not willing to say ‘No’ and are allowing children to push and to follow their own instincts, that’s fine from an experiential point of view to an extent. However, in terms of our social responsibility to work with others – and we don’t grow up in isolation; we have to grow up within the wider community – those boundaries are absolutely essential.

OUT 00:06:55

NICKYParents shouldn’t shy away from imposing discipline. The real meaning of the word discipline is learning. It involves training, guiding, teaching, explaining the right way to live. It also includes correcting, and sometimes having a consequence, a sanction, for wrong behaviour.

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This poem describes how hard it can be, as a parent to put boundaries in place:

I loved you enough to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would get home. I loved you enough to insist that you saved up your pocket money to buy a bike for yourself, that we could have afforded to buy for you.I loved you enough to make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it, and to confess, ‘I stole this.’ I loved you enough to let you see hurt, disappointment and tears in my eyes. I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall and hurt. But, most of all, I loved you enough to say, ‘No,’ when you hated me for it. Those were the most difficult battles of all. I’m glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.

As parents, we can find it hard to say, ‘No,’ and to put in these boundaries. If you’re parenting on your own or step-parenting, it can be particularly hard. We all need confidence to know the benefits of boundaries for our family life and for our children both at home and at school.

Insert – 3.4 Children – purpose of boundariesIN 00:08:16

Emma There’s this wall we can climb on, except we’re not allowed to any more because Miss Jackson says it’s dangerous. And when we walk on it, our mum just says no.

Drew Once I went onto the scaffolding by myself! [Tara claps hand over her mouth!] And I went onto the icehole!

Interviewer What did your daddy say?

Drew They said, `You aren’t allowed to go on the scaffolding again, even with the person, and the same with the ice.’ But my dad gave me one more chance ’cos I only went on there once, for the scaffolding. But the icehole wasn’t.

Tara One time I knocked over my dad’s red wine on the carpet, and he got really – and it’s like a white cream carpet, and he got so mad at me!

Fergus When we wanted to get these England cards, she says no. It’s only on Wednesdays and Saturdays we get them.

James When I was playing around in the kitchen, and my mum told me off. And then I ignored her, and then me and my sister kept running round. And then she pushed me, and then I wasn’t looking where I was going and I elbowed a vase over onto the floor.

Tara Ooh!

James And I got very told off for that!

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Interviewer Do your parents make lots of rules?

Emma Yes!

Matthew Yes!

Emma ’Cos they want to keep us safe.

Matthew Yeah.

OUT 00:09:50

SILAChildren need to know where the boundaries are. Actually, they like the consistency. Good boundaries help a child feel safe, and children will typically push to find where the boundaries lie and then keep pushing to see if they’re firm. Without firm boundaries, they’re likely to feel insecure.

Insert – 3.5 Parents and children – firm boundariesIN 00:10:07

Eli I remember this lady giving an illustration of a child walking across a suspension bridge, and that if they don’t have the boundaries in place it’s like walking across and not having anything to hold on to. And I think for me that was such a good illustration. It made me realise how important those boundaries are for their security and their safety.

Niyi I think it’s right to say that boundaries are critical for kind of bringing up children effectively and safely.

Sam In our house we make sure the children know what the boundaries are. And then from there, that if they continue to cross those boundaries we’ll give them three warnings. And then if they continue, they’ll be sitting on the Naughty Step for the number of minutes of their age. Which works quite effectively. I think one very big thing with boundaries is to make sure that you do see it through. So often you hear people promising – you hear them out and about promising, you know, ‘You won’t get this when you get home!’ or ‘If you do that one more time…’ and you see the children not only do it just one more time but they do it again and again and again and there’s no consequence. So boundaries are very important. Seeing it through is even more so.

Kate I don’t want to do stuff that I’m not allowed to do, ’cos otherwise I do get very badly punished! Like not allowed to get eating sweets for a whole week, or something like that! And I really don’t want that to happen!

OUT 00:11:38

SILAIt’s exhausting for parents to put in, and then to maintain, consistent boundaries. It can be one of the hardest areas of parenting and is often physically and emotionally draining. I remember all too well the tiredness and frustration of

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dealing with one of our children who went through a phase of hitting other children, and another who refused to stay in bed at night.

Sometimes parents on our courses tell us their first aim is to be their children’s friends. But actually children need their parents to be parents – no one else can be that – and that will involve the responsibility and hard work of putting in boundaries.

Ultimately our long-term aim is that our children should be setting their own boundaries. And that process of moving from parent-imposed boundaries to self-imposed boundaries, from parental control to self control, is a gradual one.

NICKY

Where do we set boundaries?

The next question is, ‘Where do we set the boundaries?’ There are two extremes that are dangerous. One extreme is of harshness – where children are not given any sort of freedom to choose their way at all and parents try to enforce order through fear. The other extreme is of permissiveness – where they can do whatever they like.

For myself, knowing where we should set the boundaries led to a lot of self-questioning – sometimes I thought: ‘I’ve been too lax with them, over manners or their behaviour at meals or whatever – I’ve probably damaged them for life.’ So I would veer the other way and be much stricter, and then I’d think, ‘Oh no! I‘ve been too harsh. I’m really going to crush them this way,’ so I’d swing back again. What I came to realise was that we needed to set the boundaries somewhere between the two extremes.

We’re not walking a tightrope along which every step is critical to our children’s well-being. A better image is a broad track on which there’s freedom for us to work out our own path, and then to be confident and consistent with our decisions. No two families will take exactly the same route. Some will be closer to one edge, some closer to the other. It’s a balance.

We found this diagram [show PowerPoint of quadrant or ask guests to look at it in their Guest Manual] very helpful to illustrate the importance and effectiveness of combining love and boundaries.

The horizontal line going across – indicates the degree of firmness we show.The vertical line going up and down – indicates the degree of warmth we show.

There are four broad styles of parenting: The first style (bottom right) is where there’s neither warmth nor firmness, and that’s neglectful parenting – no love and no boundaries. It’s where children are left to fend for themselves with little

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attention from their parents and the result is they tend to become wild and insecure.

Neglectful parenting can happen in any type of home or family scenario – rich or poor. Children brought up in neglectful homes tend to grow up with poor self-esteem, which can lead to self-destructive and antisocial behaviour.

The second quadrant (bottom left) is where there’s a lot of firmness, many strict boundaries, but little love shown – and that’s authoritarian (meaning ‘dictatorial’) parenting. This style is when parents lay down the law but there’s no discussion with children, no listening to them.

These children tend to feel their parents are always against them, which builds resentment and anger and this too can lead to anti-social behaviour once the children are out of their parents’ immediate control.

The third quadrant (top right) is where parents are high on warmth but there are no or weak boundaries – this is called indulgent parenting. With this style, children are spoilt and self-centred – they’re allowed to do what they like.

Children brought up like this can find it hard to accept that the world doesn’t revolve around them, which leads to a lack of self discipline, and later on they are more likely to get into drug or alcohol abuse.

And then the fourth quadrant is described as authoritative parenting. This is very different to being authoritarian. This is where children know they’re loved AND know that there are clear boundaries which will be firmly enforced.

This combination of warmth and firmness – of love and limits – is the one that we’re aiming for. With this style children feel safe, they learn to take their place in their family and in the world. They know that they’re very special, but will not always be the centre of attention. This style guards us from ‘child-centred parenting’, which is unhelpful to the child and to the family as a whole.

This combination of authoritative parenting, of love and limits, produces the qualities most of us would ultimately want to see in our children. It leads them to maturity and an ability to relate well to others.

Insert – 3.6 Dr Aric Sigman – warmth and firmnessIN 00:16:14Dr Aric Sigman When we first think of the concept of warmth and firmness, we might think

they’re two opposite things: that if you have one, you lose some of the other. In fact, when it comes to our children it’s just not true. If you are firm it doesn’t reduce in any way the amount of warmth we have in our relationship with our children and in many ways, if we’re firmer and provide boundaries and guidelines, our children might even feel warmer and safer. So we must never

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fear that if we are firm with our children and we have boundaries and we enforce those boundaries that the warmth will go and that, worse yet, our children might not love us as much. It’s just not true.

OUT 00:16:52

SILAWe want to give you two hypothetical examples so you have an idea of how the different styles work in practice.

The first example is of Richard, aged ten, who wants to rent a certificate age fifteen DVD that his friends have been talking about. The neglectful parent lets him watch whatever he likes in his bedroom on his own or may not even know he’s watching anything. The authoritarian parent gets cross and does not allow him to rent any more DVDs. The indulgent parent lets him rent it after a lot of pleading.The authoritative parent says, ‘No,’ explains why, and then helps him choose a more appropriate DVD.

The second example is of Annie, aged four, who has just snatched a ball from Sarah, another child the same age in the playground. The authoritarian parent is likely to say: ‘Come back here this minute and give the ball back to Sarah.’ The indulgent parent, believing that Annie should be allowed to give full expression to her desires, looks on with a smile and doesn’t comment. The neglectful parent does not even notice what is happening as he is speaking on a mobile phone at the other end of the playground. The authoritative parent might say: ‘The ball belongs to Sarah. I know you’d like to play with it, but come and ask her nicely if you could have a turn after her.’

One of the classic things about this last example is that it’s in a public place, and that’s where our children so often test us. It’s worth thinking through how we’re going to react when our children challenge the boundaries, so we’re not caught off guard.

Insert – 3.7 Rob Parsons – children testing boundariesIN 00:18:17Rob Parsons You know, when it comes to boundaries we have to, I think, accept that our

children will test them. I think now of a father who bought a kitten for his family. He brought it home in a little box. But before he took the animal out of the box, he lined up the four children. I think Rebecca was the youngest; she was about four years old. And he gave the house rules with regard to this little animal.

‘Now,’ he said, ‘you can cuddle him, and you can stroke him, and you can feed him in turns. But on no account must you ever pull this little cat’s tail. Do you all understand that?’ They all nod their heads, particularly little Rebecca. And, rather naively, I thought, he took this animal out of the basket and put it on the floor, whereupon the youngest, with four strides of those chubby little legs, went forward and pulled this cat’s tail – I practically saw the poor animal’s eyes

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momentarily leave its head. What was going on there?

She was saying, ‘You know what, Daddy, you gave me the boundaries. They were very, very clear. You did a great job of it. But I’m going to test you now, ’cos I want to see how important those boundaries are to you.’ This is a sacred moment. At that time this little girl is looking for a reaction from her father: it is vital she is not disappointed.

OUT 00:19:26

SILA

How do we set boundaries?

The younger our children are when we start setting boundaries, the easier it is for them to learn. However, it’s never too late. So our encouragement is start from where you are now. When we put boundaries in place we’re teaching our children certain behaviour is right and certain behaviour is wrong.

Children don’t arrive in the world knowing that – they need to learn it, and we need to teach them.

So how do we go about setting boundaries? We want to start with a tool that was invaluable for us when our children were young. It’s the concept of right and wrong choices.

1. Right and wrong choices

Right and wrong choices require us, first of all to teach our children what is acceptable behaviour and what is unacceptable. We need to explain that it’s not acceptable, for example, to throw food around, to pull hair, to hit another child, and so on. By two years old they’re quite able to understand these things.

They must know that there are different consequences for keeping within or crossing a boundary that we’ve set. They quickly discover that the consequences for one are pleasant and for the other are unpleasant. They also learn that they’re responsible for their own actions - the choice is theirs.

So, for example, we tell our child not to throw a hard toy across the room. If he continues, we say to him, ‘It’s your choice: if you don’t stop throwing the toy, you’ll go and sit on the step.’ If he chooses to stop, we encourage him by saying something like, ‘Well done! You made the right choice.’ If he doesn’t, he experiences the disagreeable consequence of his own wrong choice, perhaps by sitting on the step on his own for a designated time.

Insert – 3.8 Parents – right and wrong choicesIN 00:21:04

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Sam I think it’s really helpful to understand right and wrong choices with children, particularly when they’re really young and they’re learning boundaries and they’re learning what’s right and wrong.

Taryn Definitely the whole concept of right and wrong choices, I guess it makes our children as well feel like they have a say. And suddenly there’s not the conflict between me and them, because they actually know that they have the power to make a good choice or a bad choice, so the ball’s really in their court. And I’ll often say, ‘Listen, these are your choices. I hope you make the best one.’ And they will – they’ll make the right choice more often than not. But it’s great to just say, ‘Well, you know what, this is not about me and you; this is about you – you can choose the outcome here.’

OUT 00:21:53

SILAIt’s important there’s a consequence for a wrong choice. But it’s equally important that we reinforce right choices. The best way to do that is through noticing what they’ve done and praising them for it.

Insert – 3.9 Parents – reinforcing good choicesIN 00:22:05Sam I think it’s important for us to reinforce good choices. We do that mainly by

words of affirmation: letting them know that they’ve made the right choice and that we’re pleased with them. I think that can be the biggest boost for your child, to know and hear the words that, you know, ‘Well done, you made the right choice. That was excellent!’

OUT 00:22:26

Rather than simply saying, ‘Well done,’ it helps them if we describe the behaviour we’re wanting to reinforce. So, we might say, ‘Well done getting out of the bath when I asked you – it means we can now have longer for stories,’ or, ‘Thanks so much for calling to let me know you’d arrived at your friend’s house safely.’

If we notice and praise these good choices they’re much more likely to do them again. Sometimes, however, with an ongoing issue an extra incentive can help.

I remember a time when Barny aged four, after coming home from nursery school, would take every piece of clothing he possessed out of his cupboard and try them all on, and then fling them off again. Every night his room looked like the aftermath of a hurricane. So eventually we made a star chart and he got a star if the clothes were put away again before bath-time. And then he got a reward when he filled up a row of stars. I don’t think he got a star every night, but it helped a lot, and after a few weeks it wasn’t an issue any more. At the same time as Barny getting a star for putting his clothes away, we enabled the other children to earn stars for making good choices over other issues so it was fair.

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Insert – 3.10 Parents – rewarding good behaviourIN 00:23:36Krista When they were a little bit younger, it was great, it was! We had a jar on the

side, and we painted pasta shells different colours, and we would fill the jar. So if they did something good, spontaneously good, they got lots of pasta. And there’s kind of a little picture at the top of the jar, or we would write on the jar with what they would receive when they got to the top of the jar. It was great for babysitters or when one of our older children has them. It’s great because we’d say: ‘If you fill the jar, or half-fill the jar’ – whatever we feel is reasonable; you can’t make it unattainable, can you? (Mm) –‘when we come home from the evening or tomorrow, this will be your reward.’ And it’s great, because they have the incentive. Yeah.

John Yeah. And at different stages of them growing up we’ve had star charts or we’ve had, (Yeah) you know, that sort of thing. So we’ve used a variety of incentives as time has gone on.

OUT 00:24:30

NICKY

2. Choose the right battles

A second principle that helped us in setting boundaries was to choose the right battles. We have to decide what issues really matter and what we should let go, so that we aren’t always nagging them; we aren’t always on their backs. Sometimes there’s a reason why a child is misbehaving or having a tantrum for example.

We found the acronym H.A.L.T very helpful to recognise four of the most common triggers for bad behaviour.

‘H’ – stands for hungry. When our children arrived back from school, their behaviour was often at its worst – arguing, fighting each other and so on. It took us some time to realise often they were hungry and giving their meal earlier, or giving them a snack if their meal wasn’t ready, changed their behaviour for the better.

SILA‘A’ – stands for anxious or angry. Anxiety and anger can come out in bad behaviour. We need to find out what’s upsetting them as they might be struggling to understand what they’re feeling. Sometimes we found it came out at bedtime and talking it through, or reassuring them, made all the difference to how they felt and subsequently behaved.

NICKY ‘L’ – stands for lonely. It’s worth asking, is our child in need of time or attention, a hug or some encouragement? I remember one mother telling us how her son,

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aged six, had come back from school in a terrible mood. She realised something was very wrong. So she just sat on the stairs beside him and put her arm round him for five minutes. She said that, after that, he was fine and he told her later that no one had played with him in the playground, so he was lonely. He just needed his emotional tank filling up again.

SILAAnd ‘T’ – stands for tired. School or nursery are really tiring for children and they will often be out-of-sorts when they get home. Similarly, after a sleepover, they’re quite likely to be bad-tempered. And for some children, just being around a lot of people can be draining for them and the impact of that spills over in their behaviour. It may be that all they need is some down time, or a rest, or an earlier bedtime.

Now, of course, the same questions apply to us. It’s worth asking ourselves: ‘Are we hungry, anxious, lonely or tired?’ That can help us recognise whether we’re being reasonable in the way we’re reacting to our children’s behaviour.

When our own children were young, I often realised I would react badly if I was tired or worried. I’d find myself being impatient and snappy with them when actually they’d done nothing to deserve that sort of treatment.

Insert – 3.11 Parents – HALTIN 00:26:56Archie Understanding the acronym HALT – Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, Tired – has

been a huge help to us. With our six-year-old, for example, I find that he sometimes plays up, and it’s because he’s anxious. And often I notice it before the beginning of going back to school, for example. (Mm) For two days before that he was really playing up! And it took us a little while to work out that that’s probably why it was: he was anxious about going back to school.

Mark Tired as well is a big thing as well. If they don’t get through – if we don’t get through the bedtime routine quick enough, within good time, then sometimes it can go also a little bit pear-shaped at the end of the day.

Taryn And it’s also helped us to just be more lenient at certain times, (Yeah) instead of being all regimental and ‘Now let’s find a consequence for this behaviour!’ We just be a little bit more gentle and say, ‘Oh dear! Like now we fall out of meltdown. Let’s just have a snack now and a cup of tea, and then we’ll start again.’ And so I guess just knowing about HALT (Yeah) has helped us parent a little bit more gently.

OUT 00:28:02

SILAA third principle for setting boundaries is to recognise the difference between natural childishness and disobedience. Some examples of our child disobeying what we’ve said and exerting their own will would be: walking through a puddle in

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their shoes when we’ve just told them not to. Other examples might be not staying in bed when they know clearly it’s bedtime and we’ve said goodnight; watching a TV programme they know they’re not allowed to watch; refusing to leave a friend’s house when it’s time to go home.

By contrast, natural childishness is children being children. They’ll do childish things – accidents will happen. Children are not mature adults and we shouldn’t expect them to behave like adults. So, some examples of natural childishness for different aged children might be: milk getting knocked over at breakfast because their arm’s not long enough to reach; toys left out in the rain; clothes getting dirty or even torn when playing outside; wet towels left on their bed.

It will help us enormously if we can distinguish between disobedience and natural childishness, and the need to deal decisively with the one and cutting them some slack with the other.

Obviously, as they get older, we have to make adjustments. What is childishness when they’re three, can be carelessness when they’re seven. At seven they know that wet towels shouldn’t be left on a bed, whereas at three it would be childishness.

Insert – 3.12 Parents – recognizing childishnessIN 00:29:27

Sam I think it’s really helpful recognising childish behaviour, natural childish behaviour, and deliberate disobedience. (Mm!) It’s really helped me in my parenting, actually. Because you can get really cross about things like, you know, a young child opening the car door and smacking it into a tree! Or at every mealtime a drink gets spilled over the floor, and things like that. And actually they’re young – it’s just a natural part of life when you’re that age, you know, and accidents happen. And it does help if that’s not one of your triggers for getting angry or getting cross but you can just put it down to childish behaviour. And then you also recognise when something’s more deliberate, and that can help you parent more effectively, I think. Definitely.

OUT 00:30:19

NICKYSo the third principle for setting boundaries is recognise natural childishness. The fourth principle is maintaining a sense of humour. Humour makes such a difference to the atmosphere of our home. So, try not to get too uptight about the battles – find time to laugh about them with your partner or with other parents when your children aren’t within earshot. Disciplining with humour goes a long way towards making the setting of boundaries more pleasant, both for us and for our children.

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION

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Please turn to the exercise in your manual called ‘Natural childishness’. Think of some examples of natural childishness at different ages. Then discuss what you have put down with your partner, if you are here as a couple, or with one or two others.

END OF PART 1

Part 2: Helping our children make good choices

NICKYWelcome back to Part 2 of setting boundaries. We’re now going to look further at how we help our children make good choices. Some children are going to be much more testing than others.

Insert – 3.13 Rob Parsons – taking a long-term view with a testing childIN 00:32:49

Rob Parsons You know, I remember a woman coming up to me in a seminar. She was about thirty-five years old, and she was in tears. And I said, ‘How can I help you?’ She said, ‘Well, I’m not sure you can. I’ve got a boy of eight and he’s a delight, and I’ve got a girl of five and she’s a joy; but I’ve got this little girl of six and a half and she’s driving me crazy! She stamps and kicks in the aisle of Sainsbury’s. She’s awake half the night. She hits her older brother, she hits the younger sister.’ And I said, ‘Oh, I hear this all the time. Do you want the good news or the bad news?’ She said, ‘Well, tell me the bad news.’ And I said, ‘Well, do people tell you that by the time she’s a teenager she’ll have grown out of this?’ She said, ‘Yes, people tell me that.’ I said, ‘Well, she won’t. She’s going to test you all the way through the teenage years as well. In fact, if you think this is rough, you ain’t seen nothing yet! At times you’re going to be holding on to a roller-coaster as her mother.’ She said, ‘What’s the good news?’ I said, ‘It’s normal.’

If you have more than one child, you’ll normally have a testing one. But there are things you can do. There are attitudes you can have. There are things you can say to her that will mean that in the years to come you’re going to have a relationship with her as a young woman you now think impossible.

And I can remember brushing a tear away and saying, ‘Thank you.’ And sometimes that’s what it is: we have to forget the moment, we have to forget the row over the party or the untidy bedroom and think: ‘You know what, I’m keeping a relationship here for when this person is twenty and thirty and forty. I’m trying to mould the man or woman they will become.’

OUT 00:34:14

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NICKYWhen our children are being uncooperative, we can easily lose sight of the fact that building the relationship with our child is paramount. This means we need to read each child individually, and realise they all react differently. Some children are more sensitive, while others are more thick-skinned.

Some are more compliant – setting boundaries is much easier with these children – while others are more strong-willed, and setting boundaries for them can be really hard. So it’s important not to compare ourselves with other parents and think we’re a failure. Several parents we know thought parenting was really quite easy, until they had their second child! Other parents have had the challenge of setting boundaries with an only child, and wondering if their experience is normal. Whatever our situation our children are going to push the boundaries.

SILAWe want to go on and look at some practical guidelines as to what we can do to help our children make good choices.

1. Be fair and clear

When we’re unfair towards our children, they can become resentful and angry. We need to ask ourselves questions such as: Are they old enough to understand what we’re asking them to do? Are my instructions clear enough? Am I expecting too much of them?

So for example: If we’re on the beach it’s OK to say to a six-year-old, ‘Don’t go out of my sight or go into the sea without me.’ But you can’t say that to a two-year-old – at that age they can’t be expected to understand the implications of our instructions – and therefore we have no right to be cross if they wander off. We need to be looking out for them all the time.

With a nine-year-old we need to be very clear about our rules concerning the internet and ideally have the computer in a family room so we help them keep within the boundaries. So first be fair and clear.

2. Use your voice effectively

Second, we need to learn to use our voice effectively. One of the main things we’re teaching our children is to respond to what we say. Our tone is as important as the words we use. ‘No’, if spoken consistently in the same serious tone to put a boundary in place, will be one of the first instructions a young child understands. Initially it’s for their physical safety – saying ‘No’ clearly and firmly to going up the stairs, or touching electrical sockets or a hot stove – and then following it up by action if necessary, such as lifting them away – the action then reinforces the ‘No’. And we don’t need to shout. The time to shout is when it’s an

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emergency, such as when a child is about to step out into the road. Second, use our voice effectively.

3. Action gets results

A third guideline is action gets results. We can so easily fall into shouting or threatening our children rather than taking action. Someone said, ‘Trying to control a child by nagging and shouting is like trying to steer a car by sounding the horn.’ It’s totally ineffective. It’s what we do, our action, that’s makes the difference. Consistency is critical, so it’s important that our ‘No’ means ‘No’ and our ‘Yes’ means ‘Yes’.

Insert – 3.14 Rob Parsons – parents being consistentIN 00:37:09

Rob Parsons You know, it’s an important tenet of parenting to say what you mean and to mean what you say. And if we don’t, it makes the boundaries very hard to enforce. You know, it’s about a quarter-past-five and little Jack is playing, and we say: ‘Jack, I want you to put your toys away, wash your hands and come and have your tea … Jack, I told you a moment ago, wash your hands, put your toys away and come and have your tea … Jack, I won’t tell you again!’ He thinks, ‘She will! She’s only just got going. She’ll probably tell me another twelve times yet’ – and Jack’s right, because that’s how it always is. And suddenly there’s an explosion of emotion, and we’re crying, and Jack’s crying. But it’s not fair, because we didn’t mean it the first time – and Jack knows it’s always like that.

Rewind it and try this. ‘Jack, I want you to put your toys away, wash your hands and come and have your tea … Jack, I told you a moment ago what I want you to do. Now, if you’re not at this table with your hands washed, toys away, by the time the hand’s on the twelve, you’re going to bed with no supper.’ And suddenly that little boy is lying on his back in bed clutching a dry digestive biscuit, thinking ‘What happened?’ What happened was his mother said it and meant it.

OUT 00:38:08

NICKY

4. Be one step ahead

Fourth, be one step ahead. There are ways we can pre-empt battles and flashpoints. With younger children one of the most effective and often underused tools is distraction. This means thinking of something interesting enough, quickly enough. So, if our child is about to step in the puddle and we’ve told her not to because she hasn’t got her boots on, we might say, ‘Oh quick! Let’s go on the slide with Milo – look, he’s at the top! Can you get up there too?!’

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With older children, creating some family rules can help us to be one step ahead. That might mean having a regular time each evening when they do their homework, or deciding how much screen time they can have during the week and perhaps increase it at weekends, or having a sweet tin which only comes out at certain times.

One of our best was to establish a rule in winter that whoever came down for breakfast first could sit next to the radiator! (There had been a lot of fights over a number of weeks before we worked that one out.) Having these types of household rules that evolve and then adapt as children get older pre-empt a lot of battles.

5. Give choices

A fifth guideline is giving our children choices wherever we can. Giving our children freedom to make choices in as many areas as we can is a vital part of them learning to take responsibility for their own actions. And it helps us not to be controlling. So if our three-year-old wants to take all her toys to her friend’s house, we can give her a choice by saying, ‘Would you like to take your book to Kim’s house? Or would you like to take your ball? You choose.’ When they are able to make choices over small issues like this and then live with their own decisions, it is helping our children grow towards maturity.

Insert – 3.15 Parents – giving choicesIN 00:39:56Krista Yeah, they need to know right and wrong, obviously, (Mm) in behaviour terms.

But we also like to give them choice, because they kind of feel like they’re in control a little bit, in control of their destiny. So if I want them to eat vegetables – silly example, but if I want them to eat vegetables – I will say: ‘Would you like broccoli, cauliflower or carrots?’ They have a choice. But ultimately I’m getting what I want, because I want them to eat the vegetable. I don’t care which vegetable they eat, so long as they eat it. (Mm) But what they learn from that is that choice is important – and it is, because they feel valued, don’t they? (Yes) If you’re a dictator and say, ‘You will eat this’ or ‘You will do that’ or ‘You will go there’ or this, their opinion’s not valued. So they kind of go into themselves and don’t have an opinion! And that’s not healthy.

OUT 00:40:47

NICKY

6. Stay in control

Our sixth guideline for putting in boundaries is stay in control. One of the most important aspects of setting boundaries is staying in control of ourselves and our

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own emotions. Otherwise we can easily be dragged into an emotional slanging match with our children.

Danny Silk, author of Loving our Kids on Purpose, describes how our children at a young age can easily start to control us. They discover we have, as it were, this big red button on our chests. When they press it with certain behaviour, they get a reaction. This gives them a great feeling of power over us, their parent, so they keep pressing it by doing whatever they know will upset us just to see us react.

We need to find a way that works for us and that takes the arguing and emotional heat out of the process of setting boundaries. For some parents, having a system of clear warnings, perhaps giving their children two chances to change their behaviour before imposing a consequence, helps the parent to stay in control.

Insert – 3.16 Parents – having clear system of warningsIN 00:41:46Ici When Josiah was about one and a half, two years old, his behaviour was very

challenging. So we started to use a card system: so we had a green card, yellow card, red card. If his behaviour was something I wanted him to stop, he had a warning with the green card. Then if he carried on, it would be the yellow card. And at that point I would say to him, ‘If you get a red card, then there’s no sticker.’ And his aim was to collect enough stickers – say for about two weeks – and then I would give him a pound and we’d go to the Pound Shop together as his treat, and he could buy anything he wanted from there!You know, for a little one that’s loads of money, and it’s a great reward! But he had quite a long stint – he had two weeks that he had to get through. And do you know what, I had two weeks and he got it, because it was visual, because it was consistent. And what it did for him was great, but what it did for me was even better, because I knew that I didn’t have to keep going about ‘Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Please stop it! Let’s do this! Let’s do that!’ you know. It gave me the boundaries as well. So I would say, ‘Green card, yellow card. Right, I’ve shown you.’ I don’t actually need to say anything; ‘I’m just showing you.’ And it just calmed me down and it stopped actually a lot of arguments in the home between me and the children. And he understood it.And even now – we hardly ever use them now, but all three of them, if they’re just really having one of those weeks or one of those days, I’ll just say, ‘Shall I get the cards out?’ and they’re all like ‘NO!’ And what we found is that if he didn’t get his sticker at the end of the day, that was more devastating to him (Mm) than a lot of the punishments that we’d already been dealing out to him, because he knew that he was working towards something. And it really did work, didn’t it?

Phil I think you gave it to a friend, and it got to a stage after about a week (Yeah) where all she’d say to her child was ‘Yellow’ and the kid would stop!

Ici The child would stop! Yeah!

Phil So, I mean, just because they know the words or the warnings, yeah.

Ici Yeah, they knew it, and you’d stick to it, (Yeah) and it was very consistent.

Phil It was quite easy.

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Ici It was very simple. Everybody knew where they’re at.

Phil And actually it was something we could follow on. Because if you’d given them a yellow (Mm) and rushed out the house to do something and I’d just come in from work, one of those busy days, you might say to me in passing: ‘Josiah’s been bad. He’s on a yellow already.’ So I’d come in thinking, ‘Right, he’s on a yellow.’ So there’s no way that Josiah could sort of –

Ici Get one over you – yeah!

Phil – try and cover over the fact that he’s been naughty already (Mm!) and start again afresh with a new parent!

OUT 00:44:24

SILAHaving a clear system of warnings means we, the parent, are in charge and we’re not being manipulated by our child’s shouting or whining or tantrums. It also means we don’t have to give endless reasons for every boundary, trying to make them behave through persuasion and wearing ourselves out.

7. Follow through with consequences

The seventh guideline, when they continue to make wrong choices, is following through with a consequence.

Often it will be highly inconvenient. For example: We’re in the park, and our six year old, is pushing and shoving a friend. We say, ‘If you go on pushing Leanne, we’ll have to go home.’ Then, if she continues, we must go home. If we’ve just arrived at the park and we have other children with us, that’s really inconvenient. But if we don’t go home, our children learn not to take us seriously.

Idle threats cheapen our words – our words become increasingly worthless and ineffective. So, a better warning might be, ‘If you carry on pushing Leanne, you’ll have to sit beside me on the bench for five minutes while the others play.’

There are lots of different consequences we can use for different situations. We need to work out which will be most effective for our child in that situation.

Insert – 3.17 Parents – consequencesIN 00:45:41

Barbara Time out. The time out system of punishment was started from when he was at nursery, so maybe about two and a half. And so he knew about that from nursery, and we followed that through at home. And he’s now six and it’s still something that he doesn’t enjoy, but he accepts. He’ll, you know, take his own chair to the passageway and we can see him, he can see us. And it may be timed or it’ll be just until I feel, ‘Okay, I’m ready to talk’ or he’s ready to listen.

Archie I give a warning about behaviour, a threat – but it’s got to be one that you can follow through. I remember once driving on holiday down to Cornwall and sort

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of saying halfway through to the shouting at the back, you know, `If you don’t stop that, we’re going to turn right round and go home again!’ But all the time I didn’t think that was going to be quite possible! So I think one has to make sure that one’s threat is actually manageable!

Taryn We’re noticing that the best kind of consequences are when the consequence is dealing with the exact thing. Like, I’ll give an example. Our little boy with his water pistol, he just sometimes can’t help shooting people, even though we’ve said, ‘Listen, please spray your targets in the garden – spray the flowers – but don’t shoot your siblings.’ And then one of them will get shot, and now he knows if that happens there’ll be no talking, no negotiating – that water pistol will just be put on a high-up shelf for the whole day. And I mean, if he does it again, I’ve actually said it might have to go in the dustbin. So he knows ‘I definitely will not overstep this mark, because I love this water pistol too much.’ So.

Mark And I love the water pistol as well, so I just keep reminding him: ‘Don’t do that, ’cos Mum will put it in the dustbin!’ [they laugh]

OUT 00:47:31

NICKYThe younger the child the more immediate the consequence must be. For older children we can leave a longer time lapse. The most effective sanctions are often the withdrawal of privileges, such as, no pocket money that week, or not being allowed to have a friend to play, or no computer games, or no TV that evening or that weekend.

If we use right and wrong choices and consistently follow through with consequences when our children are little, we’ll find we don’t have to impose consequences so often once they’re older. A warning is usually enough. They work it out. They’ve discovered that life goes better when they make good choices.

As our children grow up, it’s not about us managing and controlling their behaviour, but increasingly about them learning to manage their own behaviour, to take responsibility for their actions. This includes learning from their mistakes. It’s vital we’re not constantly rescuing them. Otherwise they can’t learn from the natural consequences of a bad choice they’ve made.

Insert – 3.18 Parents – letting children take responsibilityIN 00:48:31

Madeleine We’re teaching our children to take responsibility for their own lives by backing off and letting them have their own lives, letting them make decisions and letting them go wrong. And that does mean walking in their decision. And we particularly don’t cover them at that stage. So, for example, if the choice they’ve made has made them run late, we don’t jump in the car and speed them there (Mm) – we let them be late, even if it’s embarrassing and apologies are going to have to be made. We’d rather they did that so that we save them from the nagging, and they walk in the mistake, and hopefully learn from the

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inside for their own character, that `I want to get that better next time,’ not `Oh well, I’d better, ’cos, you know, Mum will have a bit of a go at me.’

And it’s made a phenomenal difference to just things like, you know, the way they all get out in the morning – nobody needs nagging, nobody needs to be told what to do – because it’s not my school day, it’s not my problem; it’s theirs! (Mm)

OUT 00:49:34

SILA

8. Work together

The final guideline is work together as parents. In most families one parent will tend to be more lenient while the other is stricter. Children are instinctive masters of the ‘divide and rule’ tactic – it remains a mystery where they learn this art of effective warfare – they seem to be born with it.

Insert – 3.19 Parents – agreeing boundaries as a coupleIN 00:49:52

Rachel Agreeing your boundaries as a couple is really important so that the children can’t bounce off one or the other. And that’s something that we talk about together quite a lot. And sometimes situations arise that you have to discuss or decide how far you’re going to be able to let your child go down a certain route.

Sam And even at six and four, our two sons, they will already know that if Mummy says no and Daddy’s not in the room, they will try and come to you – maybe you’re in the garden or in another room – they’ll come to you and ask exactly the same question, even though they’ve already got an answer. So it is important sometimes for me to check, you know, `What has Mummy said?’ if that’s the case. And also for us to talk about what the boundaries are, really.

OUT 00:50:45

SILAParenting goes much better when we present a united front. Obviously this is harder when parents are separated or divorced, but, however difficult it is, the children benefit when parents can work together.

Insert – 3.20 Dr Aric Sigman, Glynis Good and parents – agreeing boundariesIN 00:50:58Dr Aric Sigman When parents are separated or divorced, it is absolutely imperative that

wherever possible you try to build a working, functional relationship as separated parents, and wherever possible trying to have some continuity. It’s not always possible, but trying to stick up for one another’s rules and one another’s values so that there is some security for our children. It’s easier said than done in some relationships, but it’s a general ideal we should try to aim

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for after a separation or divorce.

Eli Keeping the same rules in both homes has been a disaster! We haven’t talked about this together, and I think I’ve been like an ostrich and I just haven’t really faced it, probably until just recently. And the rules are very, very different and it’s caused a lot of difficulty.

Joy Even though we’re now separated, my ex-husband and I are totally in agreement, I think, about boundaries and rules. We both want the children to have boundaries; we both want the children not go to bed too late. So he’ll put the children to bed at a time when we both agree, really, around nine. And he will try and work to that. And things like having manners at the table, kind of eating properly. I guess I’ll try and – I know that he’s probably stricter on that than I am, but you know, I agree that he’s right; it’s just – you know. So I try with his rules.

Glynis Good For parents to work cooperatively together on parenting issues is really important. Sometimes you have to separate some of the issues that are about your relationship with the other parent and deal with the parenting ones together. Because, when you can work cooperatively, then the children and the teenagers will have a predictable – a more predictable – life, and that will take a lot of the anxiety out. And they will see respect between their parents.

Sometimes parents get so caught up on the past and resentment and the anger, and that’s the focus. And if they can actually try and work at – and it’s not always easy – to try and work at getting a focus of how they want it to be in the future, and work as business partners on the parenting things, young people feel so much more respected, and they don’t feel torn between divided loyalties, really.

OUT 00:53:27

SILAWhether parenting apart or together, it’s so important not to undermine each other. If we think the other is being unfair, it’s best to discuss the issues when the children are not around and try to agree a strategy that’s going to work best for everyone. Otherwise, if we have very different parenting styles, we can find ourselves desperately trying to compensate for each other, and we become more and more different in our approach.

Insert – 3.21 Parents – supporting each other with boundariesIN 00:53:53

John Another important thing for boundaries is that you are united (Yeah) with and in front of the children.

Krista Yes. So although we do differ, don’t we, (Mm) we differ away from the children. We then meet in the middle, decide what’s the best course of action, and then I generally implement it!

John Or we do what you say, yeah!

Krista Yeah! (They roar with laughter] But I have taken your opinion into consideration!

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John Occasionally, yeah.

Krista Yes!

OUT 00:54:18

NICKYIf we are parenting on our own it will help to talk through with other parents the challenges of putting in boundaries. Disciplining our children is exhausting. It may seem hard in the short term but the benefits are long lasting.

It can be really rewarding, both for us and our children, when we decide to take action. Where good boundaries have been set at home this can help a seven year old feel good about himself when he finds he can cope with not being at the front of the line at school or when the teacher says ‘No’ to him.

And it can be great as a parent when we’ve had to discipline our ten-year-old for selfishness and then we hear that she’s been spontaneously kind to another child.

As we hold our nerve and persevere with enforcing boundaries – alongside giving our children affirmation and encouragement, and maintaining a sense of humour – the family becomes a more enjoyable and secure place in which our children can grow up. And they’re much more likely to mature into the sort of people who learn to take responsibility for their own behaviour.

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION Please turn in your manuals now to the questions for discussion.

SILAI am going to finish with a final prayer:

‘Lord, thank you that you show us the best ways to live. We ask that you would help us to see clearly what the right boundaries are for our children. We pray that you’d help each parent with the particular challenges they’re facing, and help them with this combination of showing warmth and firmness. We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.’

Next time we will be looking at how we help our children to build healthy relationships. Until then, goodbye.

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