Role of-mother-in-tarbiyah-of-child1

Role of mother in Tarbiyah of childDr. Kanwal Kaisser

• Goals: _____________________

• Desires: ____________________

What tends to be your goals or desires in parenting?

Answers:

• ___________________________

• ___________________________

What are your greatest struggles in parenting?

It is generally agreed that the impact of parenting is felt throughout one’s lifetime and for succeeding generations. No other form of human interaction can boast such power and longevity

(Bavolek 1990)

Health Commission of Australiahas found in 2004:

• 56 children under 4 on anti‐depressants• 728 children aged between 5‐9 on anti‐

depressants• 4,689 aged between 10‐14 on anti‐depressants• Nationally prescriptions for people under 19

topped more than 250,000

In the UK some 65,000 women and their partners embark on their first pregnancy, but only 16% of women and 6% of men will receive any formal training to prepare them for parenthood. (Pippin)

Need to support parents

• 3 % of all 3 year old have severe tantrums

• 10 % of all parents of children 2-5 years ask for help with behavior problems

• Anti-social behavior accounts for 30-40% of referrals to child mental health services

What has changed?Fast paced lives, consumerism and social change.....

• Pressure to buy “stuff”• Parenting competition• Social alienation• Less home time• Less human interaction• More virtual worlds• More curriculum driven education

What has disappeared?

• Gentle touch and games• Story time• Being “present” not just in the room• Playing real hands on games• Games in the car• Human conversation with real people• Simple toys that don’t cost money• Less parent direction

What mothers want?

B) Help earlier & at key Help earlier & at key stagesstages

C) Support without stigma Support without stigma

D) To know they are not aloneTo know they are not alone

A) To know how to parentTo know how to parent

Terrifying Truth

• I am the decisive element in the life of a child.• I create so many souls like me.• I have tremendous power to make a child’s life joyous or

miserable.• I can be an agent of change.• Pakistan can become a better or worse place because of

me.• My Mission Correlates with that of the PROPHETS.

ا �$م" ن ار 'يك $م" و أ ه"ل ك "ف$س $وا ق$وا أ ن 6ذ'ين آم ن 9ه ا ال ي)At- Tahrim:7(ي ا أ

How important do you think it is to teach your

children character building? (Pre-test)

How do you teach your children character building? – Pre-test

How often do you talk about character?

Parenting Styles and Outcomes

We know that the way children are parented when they are young influences the type of people they become.

How? Why?

Authoritarian: Limits without Freedom

Definition:Parents’ word is law, parents have absolute

control. • Misconduct is punished• Affection and praise are rarely give• Parents try to control children's’ behavior and attitudes• They value unquestioned obedience• Children are told what to do, how to do it, and where to

do it, and when to do it.

Outcomes of Authoritarian Style

•Obedient•Distrustful•Discontent •Withdrawn•Unhappy•Hostile•Not High Achievers•Often Rebel

•Children are often prevented from making a conscious choice about particular behavior because they are overly concerned about what their parents will do.

"ف ض9وا م'ن" ن "ق ل"ب' ال 'يظ ال "ت ف ظ@ا غ ل $ن و ل و" ك'ك ح و"ل

ه$م" ف'ي او'ر" ت غ"ف'ر" ل ه$م" و ش "ه$م" و اس" ف اع"ف$ ع ن األ" م"ر

(Ale-Imran: 109)

Permissive: Freedom without limits

Definition:Parents allow their children to do their own

thing.• Little respect for order and routine.• Parents make few demands on children.• Impatience is hidden.• Discipline is lax• Parents are resources rather than standard makers• Rarely punish• Non controlling, non-demanding• Usually warm• Children walk all over the parents

Outcome of Permissive Parenting

•Aggressive

•Least self—reliant

•Least self-controlled

•Least exploratory

•Most unhappy

•Children from permissive homes receive so little guidance that they often become uncertain and anxious about whether they are doing the right thing.

Authoritative: Freedom within limits.

Definition:Middle ground between the two above • Stress freedom along with rights of others and responsibilities of

all • Parents set limits and enforce rules• Willing to listen receptively to child’s requests and questions.• Both loves and limits• Children contribute to discussion of issues and make some of

their own decisions• Exert firm control when necessary, but explain reasoning behind

it.• Respect children’s interest, opinions, unique personalities.• Loving, consistent, demanding• Combine control with encouragement• Reasonable expectations and realistic standards.

Outcomes of Authoritative Style

•Happy•Mostly self-reliant•Mostly self-controlled•Content, friendly, generous•Cooperative•High-achiever‘

•Children, learn how to formulate goals. They also experience the satisfaction that comes from meeting responsibilities and achieving success.

ن�ة ال�م�و�ع�ظ�ة� ال�ح�س� ة� و� ك�م� ب�ك� ب�ال�ح� ب�يل� ر� �ل�ى% س� )al-Nahl: 125( اد�ع) إ '

1. The way their parents raised them.

2. The family structure, whether it’s a nuclear family, step-family, single-parent family, extended family, one or both parents work outside the home, etc.

3. Ethnic background

4. Individual parenting skills and knowledge

What influences a parent’s choice of parenting style?

Roughhouses with children; plays louder

Encourage competition

Do not modify language for the child’s sake

Talk is brief, direct, and to the point, with subtle body language and facial expressions

Help children prepare for harshness and reality of the real world

Gentle with children; plays quieter

Encourage equity

Simplifies words and talks on child’s level

Talk is more descriptive, personal, expressive of feelings, and verbally encouraging

Help protect children from the real world

Fathers: Mothers:

Parenting styles……

Model traits of men and how to treat women

Encourage children to take chances, push limits

Stress justice, fairness, and duty

Encourages independence from family

Teaches a sense of right and wrong with discipline

Model traits of women and how to treat men

Encourages caution and protection of self

Stress sympathy, care, and help

Encourages security in the family

Teaches a sense of hopefulness with discipline

Fathers: Mothers:

Parenting styles……

1. Children learn about our values through daily interactions with us.

2. Children learn through our example.

3. Children learn through the values we strive toward.

4. Children learn values through the way we do things as a class team.

5. Children learn values and beliefs through their exposure to the larger world.

6. Children learn values through our explanations of the world.

Understand your child

• Need to belong• Seek Attention• Sharp Observation• Reaction to obstacles

There is a mass of research to demonstrate that the more touch a child gets in childhood, the calmer and less fearful he is likely to be in adulthood....

Link child to Allah Ta’ala

• Raise according to Quran and Sunnah• Be right role model • Provide Islamic environment • Paint right picture of Allah Ta’ala• Stories of Rasulillah (SAW) and Sahabah• Ultimate Authority is Allah Ta’ala

ك ر" Rن6 الش' 6ه' إ 'الل ر'ك" ب $ش" $ن ي6 ال ت 'ه' و ه$و ي ع'ظ$ه$ ي ا ب "ن ب $ق"م ان$ ال' 'ذ" ق ال ل  �و إ"م[ ع ظ'يم[ ل ظ$ل(Luqman: 13)

•Dads spend 8 minutes, •Working mothers spend 11 minutes, •Stay-at-home moms spend less than 30 minutes

Nearly 20 percent of students in grades 6 through 12 report that they have not had a 10-minute conversation with at least one of their parents in more than a month.

Family time…..Each day

Teach them respect

‘The one who does not have mercy on our younger ones, and does not show respect to elders is not from among us. ‘ (Bukhari)

• Respect vs Disrespect

• Role Model respect

• Polite manners

Activity

• In groups of three or four discuss the story that you face the most.

• Write Solutions for them.

• Pass them to other group and read each others solutions.

Some Situations?

1. Ahmed is throwing a ball in the living room and knocks over a lamp.

1. Amna is throwing sand at the other kids in the playland.

2. Your three children are bickering in the backseat while you are driving to Lahore on Motorway.

3. Hassan, creates disturbance while praying and humiliates his sister by giggling loudly.

4. Fatima keeps forgetting to take her lunch money to school. You are always having to remind her to do it or take it to her at school.

More Situations?

6. Fahad won’t come in the house when you call him for dinner.

6. Sadia takes her brother’s money and lies to you.

7. Your teenager keeps the car out past the agreed time.

8. Bilal refuses to do his homework.

9. Saad leaves his dirty clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper where they are supposed to go.

Bachchay Jannat key phool!