The “Yes, but” Syndrome: Presented by: Dr. Wm. (Chip) Valutis Resistance to Advice: The Psychology behind why Business-Owners may (or may not) follow your council.
The “Yes, but” Syndrome:
Presented by:
Dr. Wm. (Chip) Valutis
Resistance to Advice:The Psychology behind why
Business-Owners may (or may not) follow your council.
Real Life LearningBefore we begin, take a minute to apply
this to your client base:1. Think of a business owner who
you’ve had difficulty moving to action
2. Pick three things you believe contributed to the resistance
3. What have you done to break through this resistance?
Revisit these answers after the presentation.
Owners of Closely-Held Businesses are Different. Why?
1. They live in multiple systems (family & business). As such:
2. they juggle different agendas & visions3. There is not one common problem-
solving criteria to use.4. Secrecy, doubt and skepticism is
common.5. Things aren’t always what they appear
to be
Understanding a Systemic Perspective
Everything is connected Each system has a set of roles,
responsibilities, expectations, rules, boundaries and history
Systems can be closed or open
Family Needs
Business Needs
Owner Needs
Can you Empathize?
How are you different? Similar? How is conflict handled (different/similar)? How are decisions made and problems solved
(different/similar)? How are accountability and consequences
delivered? What roles or boundaries are adhered to? What are the dynamics in each?If you are like most, the dynamics, behaviors and roles
are very different in your “work” life than they are in your “home” life. Imagine blending them together!
Think of yourself at work and at home...
Common Areas of Conflicting Agendas & Visions
Inter-generational differencesIntra-generational differencesNeeds versus wantsNeeds of the business versus
needs of the family
No Common Decision-Making Criteria
Because members have different goals in mind, the means by which they get there are often quite different
Tend to be more self-serving Not an agreeable style or approach Roles/authority are rarely equal
Historical Perspective
The Forever Young syndrome Long-term memories If it worked yesterday, it is a
proven technique Can’t predict the future, so play to
the past
Secrecy Never sure you have the whole story Can protect each other at the expense
of the business Closed systems do not allow outsiders “Magic bullets” and “pixie dust” —
expect to be fixed without risk or vulnerability
Things Are Rarely What They Appear To Be
Control/authority Compensation Ownership Hiring/promotion Retirement
What you see/hear is often not what is really occurring:
Issues of:
“Hidden” Resistance
Address the symptoms and not the problem
Keeps you busy but not productive Frequent changes in priorities or
agenda You’re working harder than they are
1. Failure to Identify the Real Issue
“Hidden” Resistance
Advisors are quick to “solve” a problem with expert advice
Many needs (fear, security, self-worth, love) can’t be addressed in an estate plan
If we control the contingencies, then we think we can control the concerns (e.g., locks on your door)
We don’t have expertise in emotional problems, so we avoid them
2. Solving Emotional Problems with Logical Solutions
“Hidden” Resistance
Trying to please different Masters Conflicts of interest When, where and to whom do you
report/communicate Lack of clear criteria for decision making “Don’t forget who’s paying your invoice!” “You’re Dad’s advisor, not mine!”
3. Failure to Identify “Who Is the Client?”
“Hidden” Resistance
Having your hands tied Lots of talk but no communication All the wrong people are hearing
what is said Enabling
4. Triangles & Confidences
“Hidden” Resistance
Owners will often fail to disclose all of the information you need to do your job
Unspeakables, undiscussables and skeletons in the closet
Potential for serious problems Warning sign is when you begin to feel
crazy
5. Unspoken Rules, Norms & Dynamics
“Hidden” Resistance
We listen for “just enough” information We fail to hear what is not said We miss early warning signs (verbal &
nonverbal) We listen for data, not dynamics
6. Poor Listening
“Hidden” Resistance
Danger of not meeting real needs Pleasing one while displeasing another Making sure client knows and accepts
their role in the process
7. Failure to Define & Clarify Expectations
“Hidden” Resistance
Map out rules of engagement and acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior
Let client know what you can/can’t and will/won’t do
Set milestones for touch base and review progress
8. Failure to Define & Clarify Expectations
Keys to Success (Overview) Help to pick a common philosophy
from which to operate Clarify roles and boundaries with
the owner/family/business Deliver the Bad News (don’t join
the system)
Keys to Success (Overview)
Facilitate understanding instead of agreements
Challenge your clients Encourage multi-discipline
interaction
Actions Toward Success
How to balance the needs of the business with the needs of the owner?
What criteria should be used in decision making and problem solving?
Is there a common goal toward which they can work?
1. Help Pick a Common Philosophy
Actions toward Success
Identify the different roles Define expectations for each Keep appropriate roles in the
interactions; monitor Remember your roles and
boundaries as well
2. Clarify Roles & Boundaries
Actions toward Success
Candor builds respect Be a reality test - call it the
way you see it Talk about what no one else
will talk about Don’t be “yes men” advisors
3. Deliver Bad News (when needed)
Actions toward Success
Provide candid feedback Offer constructive criticism Don’t be overprotective of
your business Treat young and old equally
4. Challenge Them
Actions toward Success
Know your limits Build a network of trusted
advisors to help with clients Communicate with the other
professionals involved Ensure no one is working at cross
purposes
5. Encourage Multi-Discipline Interactions