Relationships & Well-Being - Psychology’s “Deep Truth” - Important life goal - 73% students say they would sacrifice career & education before romance.

Relationships & Well-Being

- Psychology’s “Deep Truth”

- Important life goal -

73% students say they would sacrifice career & education before romance.- Important life outcome -

Deathbed test - relationships & life satisfaction.

Biological Foundation“Need to belong - fundamental human need - like food & water.

Evolution & survival

Oxytocin - cuddle hormone, hugs, sex, nursing

Irony of happiness, pain, & failed relationships

Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.

Defining Close Relationships

Many social encounters - Intimate/close relationships matter most.

Six Characteristics of Close Relationships

Knowledge - mutual understanding based on reciprocal self-disclosure - spiral of disclosure reciprocity.

Affirmation & rejection.

Arons - small talk versus intimacy.

Long-term established - responsiveness not reciprocity important - support.

Trust - assumption that no harm will be done by others. Confidences.

Express true self, naturalness versus “public guarded self.”


Defining Close Relationships

Caring - genuine concern, monitor & maintain relationship quality.

Interdependence - intertwining of lives & mutual influence. Those who affect us most. Tied emotional states.

Mutuality - sense of “we-ness” & overlapping lives. From “I” to “we.”

Commitment - intention to stay in relationship through ups & downs.

Decision & commitment to do necessary work.

Idealized view versus Grumpy Old Men

No one is guaranteed - i.e., intimate knowledge & dislike


Exchange versus Communal Relationships

Clark & Mills - as relationships progress they move from exchange to communal.

Exchange - cost accounting balance sheet, at beginning & formal relations.

What put in versus get out. If ratio fairly equal- satisfied. If not -feel falling behind - in debt.

Reciprocating favors increases liking.

Communal

Developed relations, commitment to long haul. Keeping track & reciprocating favors feels creepy.


On the Lighter Side:

What do we enjoy the most about our family & friends?

Can you like & love without laughter & humor?

50-year-married couples - why? Laugh together frequently.

1. Prosocial Teasing

Argyle & Henderson - teasing & joking basic rule of friendship.

Value?

Enjoyment

Closeness - like you well enough to tease you

Detoxifies

Paradox - teasing criticizes, yet it compliments, attacks yet makes people feel closer, humiliates, yet expresses affection (Keltner).


2. Sharing What Goes Right

Direct effects hypothesis of social support - friends good for us even when not distressed. Important to receive supportive responses to good events.

Gable & Reis - Capitalization - sharing positive event to receive additional benefits.

Several diary studies - dating & married couples measure & keep track of responses to sharing positive events in your life.



Response of partner critical:1. Active constructive - is as or more excited than

you2. Passive constructive - tries not to make a big deal

out of it3. Active destructive - points potential down side 4. Passive destructive - doesn’t pay much attention

Only active constructive found related to enhanced relationship quality and improved well-being. Both teller & receiver increased well-being.

More people shared with - more improved.

What is Love?

Who knows?

Friendship & Romantic Love - intertwined.

Romantic partners also best friends.

What are major differences between romantic love & friendship?

1. Emotional intensity & sexual attraction

love versus in-love separates relationships

Friendships less intense - sex

2. Clarity of rules- Argyle & Henderson

Friendship - reasonable, clear

Love? All fair in love & war


Rules of Friendship Across Cultures

Argyle & Henderson 1. Being supportive

Volunteer help, emotional support, stand up in absence

2. Being trustworthy confidantKeep confidences, trust & confide, public criticism, privacy

3. Being source of enjoyment & humorMake happy, joke & tease, share successes

4. Being tolerant & acceptingNo jealousy, tolerant of other friends, advice

Rules for Romance?If you are following rules probably not in love -Exclusivity, spontaneity, whims of passionToo complex & volatile


3. Complexity of Feelings (friendship vs. romance)

Hard to define love - more complex

Love in music & movies - mystery of love in all its forms

love for money, love for power, fatal attraction, love conquering all, losing all for love, love & hate

Friendship?

Exclusivity, loyalty, faithfulness

4. ExpectationsLove & fulfillment - happiness versus practical matters

Friends make us happy - but not expected to

Burden of fulfillment expectation


Varieties of Love

Most basic distinction:

Passionate or romantic love

Strong sexual attraction, infatuation, total absorption, exclusivity, volatile emotions from ecstasy to anguish

Strong at beginning

Companionate love

Slower developing, deep & abiding friendship, calmer, more serene…not hot fire of passion but warm glow of affection & appreciation, spouse becomes best friend & confidant

Develops in trenches of life

Triangular theory - Sternberg - intimacy, passion, & commitment

types of love based on strength/absence of each


Cultural Context of Love, Marriage, & Divorce

90% of us eventually marry - potential source of happiness

But:

1.Since 1960s-70s - 50% divorce rate - marriages no longer last in Western societies

2. Fail at all points not just 7-year-itch

3. More choosing to be single

4. 50% of college students cohabit - “trial” marriages -divorce rate higher (90% separation by 5 years)



Why Don’t Marriages Last?1. Increased freedom & decreased constraint

Financial independence of womenStigma of divorce - social normsFor the sake for the kidsDivorce laws - no-fault divorceCost of & barriers to divorce reduced

2. Love as Exclusive Basis for Marriage

Fewer practical reasons - why get married? Answer in lovesurveys:“If person had all the other qualities you desired would you marry

this person if you were not in love?”1967 - 35% of men & 75% of women said “yes”Today 86% of men & 91% of women say “no”

Increasing importance of love across cultures (Western influence?)10,000 people / 37 cultures (Buss)Love / mutual attraction at top of list for why get married

Romance & Divorce1. Increased emotion expectations - disappointment - wrong person

Marriage increasingly depends on the “sweetness of its content.”2. Passion & romance fade over time.


Fading Romance & Divorce: EvidenceSurveys -

Consistent decline in satisfaction, expressions of affection over 8 to 10 years of marriage (relative to where started)(Not effects of having kids)

Longitudinal Studies -Huston, et. al., PAIR Project (Process of Adaptation in Intimate

Relationships - 168 couples married in 1981Data for first 13 years

35% divorced20% unhappy with marriage45% considered themselves happily married

Those at greatest risk for divorce had steepest decline in satisfaction - early divorced had highest levels of beginning affection & romance - 33% more affection than those still married.


3. Conflict & Satisfaction

Surveys - today versus past - more conflict and less satisfaction.

Unclear…hectic lives, more demands, two careers, finances

Or - too high expectations versus what marriage can deliver

Basic fact remains:

Married happier than non-married.

Very happy people have happy marriages.


What People Bring to Relationship

Wrong people get marriedSome people better at relationships than others Build life together - differences emerge

Attachment TheoryBasic emotional & perhaps unconscious responses & ideas about

romance/intimacy shaped by relationship with parents.Meeting significant others family?Early Research (Bowlby & Ainsworth)

Strange Situation Test:Secure Attachment StyleAvoidant Attachment StyleAnxious Ambivalent Style

Longitudinal studies - secure more socially skilled - longer romances


Adult Attachment Styles

Hazan & Shaver

Avoidant“I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often others want to me more intimate that I feel comfortable being.”

Secure“I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.”

Anxious-Ambivalent“ I find others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.


Revisions & Basic Dimensions in Attachment StylesAttachment continuous - i.e., degrees & overlapping typesTwo basic dimensions of anxiety & avoidance:

Anxiety = fear of abandonment, rejection, and lack of self- confidence

Avoidance = degree of trust & comfort in being intimate: mistrustful & suspicious or dismissive

Four StylesSecure - low on both - 60% of usPreoccupied Attachment - low on avoidance, high on anxiety - low self-

esteemFearful Avoidant - high avoidance & high anxiety - fear of rejection, low

self-opinion - others will let you down.Dismissing Avoidant - high avoidance, but low anxiety. Don’t need

relationships. (less enjoyment, commitment, & intimacy)

Secure attachment - better - but most a mix.


Power of Bad

Diary study - 66% of marital satisfaction related to presence/absence of conflict & negative behaviors.

Much less so to presence/absence of positive behaviors.

Gottman - “love lab” - behavioral observations in apartment

Negative communication

Negative reciprocity

Demand/withdraw: women demand - men withdraw

Four Horsemen of Apocalypse

1. Criticism - frequent

2. Defensiveness - personalize - rehearse/ruminate

3. Stonewalling - silent treatment

4. Contempt - scorn, anger, rejection - role eyes


Critical Ratio

All marriages have conflict -

Most predictive:

1. Ratio of positive to negative behaviors

5 positive interactions to 1 negative was dividing line between successful & unsuccessful couples.

Lasting = 5 to 1 Divorced much lower

2. Degree of negative reciprocity -

tit for tat versus constructive response

Relationship enhancing versus Distress maintaining


Contours of a Happy MarriageLauer study - Happy couples, 15 yrs or more - asked why their

marriage lasted:

Two general response categories (friendship & commitment)1. Friendship

Spouse is best friend, confide in, laugh together, share interests & hobbies, do fun things, stimulating conversations, agree on values/philosophy of life. Few (10%) thought sex kept marriage together. (Aron, Norman, et. al.)

2. CommitmentIn it for long haul, sacred, social stability, want to succeed, discuss problems calmly, positive approach to conflict.

Summary: Lasting marriages built on companionate not romantic love. Become spouse’s best friend - got it made.


One final ingredient

Humor- Humor high on list of desirable qualities in a potential mate

- 50-yr couples - laughing together why our marriage lasted

- Sex fades - laughter endures as continuing source of enjoyment - laugh all the way to grave

Humor and the “right” person. - Sharing sense of humor & “deeper” compatibility

- Humor unique - can’t be faked - less conscious control

- Honest pipeline to personality below the belt

- People differ in what they find funny -

Rappoport - racial & ethnic humor - brings tensions and forbidden topics out in open; detoxifies, reduces prejudice


Humor and a Lasting Marriage

Humor cuts through impression formation, politeness, & all disingenuous communication.

Research

Opposites don’t attract - fundamental similarity more important

Married couples do share a sense of humor

Need laughter lab - real spontaneous interactions

Friendship, Commitment & Humor

Find you to be best buddy friend, like to be with, laughs at all the same things - on way to long-term committed relationship


Relationships & Well-Being - Psychology’s “Deep Truth” - Important life goal - 73% students say they would sacrifice career & education before romance.

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