Reflective Listening -A Practice in Transforming Conflict

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Reflective Listening:A Practice in Transforming Conflict

Tips and Tools for PEPFAR Teams

When engaging in important conversations or

navigating conflict, one of your greatest tools can

be the ability to listen fully to all those involved.

Often rather than fully listening, our attention is

divided. We may be half listening to the speaker

while at the same time trying to craft a rebuttal to

what they are saying. We may also be distracted

by the inner “self-talk” – the running narrativein your head that comments on and judges ev-

erything. This half listening and jumping to rapid

conclusions and assumptions can lead to fierce

debates, escalating emotions and tensions in the

conversation, or just plain misunderstanding.

Observe some of the conversations going on

around you and you often see people talking past

one another or reacting to what they thought the

person said rather than what the person actually

said. You might also see more passive, one-sid-

ed conversations where the listener may actually

be paying attention, but rather than actively en-

gaging in the conversation, they simply assume

that they’ve understood correctly and completely.

There are, however, other kinds of conversations,

those in which the speaker feels really heard and

understood. In those conversations there is a

high quality of listening – reflective listening.

When using reflective listening you need to mo-

mentarily pause before reacting to what you’ve

heard; and in that newly created space, inquiremore deeply and seek to fully understand what

has actually been said. This creates the possibility

of transforming the situation – improving mutual

understanding and inviting everyone to engage

as colleagues rather than as adversaries.

It is important in reflective listening to be sure

that you understand the speaker’s intended mes-

sage, that you honor and respect the other per-

son’s emotions, and that you gain greater under-

standing of their perspective. This is possible by

listening and reflecting information at the three

levels outlined in the accompanying graphic:

facts and data, emotions, and values. The lastone, values, is the trickiest to hear and reflect

back since it is often subtly woven into the subtext

Three Levels of Reflective Listening

Objectively track the narrative of the story, culling

facts, details, and data points. Summarize this infor-

mation back to the speaker to ensure accuracy, and

ask questions to clarify.

1. Listen for and Reflect: Facts and Data

Discern what feelings are beneath the speaker’s story

that could possibly color and influence perception.

Paraphrase your interpretation of these emotions to

varify that you are interpretting them appropriately.

2. Listen for and Reflect: Emotions

Identify the core values the speaker holds that might

inform his/her position or belief in the conflict. Share

the core values that you heard surface in the com-

munication and validate your interpretation with the

speaker.

3. Listen for and Reflect: Values

“An enemy is someone whose story you have not heard.” -- GeneKnudsen Hoffman



Tis and other tools can be accessed online at www.teamstarproject.org.

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TIPS AND TOOLS FOR PEPFAR TEAMS: REFLECTIVE LISTENING

of speaker’s narrative. As is often the case, these

simple reminders are easier said than done. Next

to the vertical levels of listening are six practices

that will help you develop strong reflective listen-

ing skills. Let’s examine them in more detail.

Six Practices of Reflective Listening1

Practice 1 - Become a Fair Witness

You can listen more fully, when you maintain

some objectivity about what is being said – impar-

tially witnessing the information without filtering

the other’s story with your own personal biases.

The following will help you develop and maintain

the perspective of a Fair Witness:

• Identify your emotional hot buttons (words or

behaviors that trigger your positive or nega-

tive emotions) that could derail your listening;

• Look through the eyes of the other person and

see the situation from his/her vantage point;

• Defer judgment, both of self and others, in or -

der to fully understand;

• Ascribe positive intent: In other words, remem-

ber that the impact of others’ words and ac-

tions usually are distinct and different from

their intentions, so begin by assuming that

the speaker has positive intentions;

• Seek to clarify points of ambiguity; and

• Learn to distinguish your internal judgments

and unhelpful self-talk from what is being

said.

Practice 2 – Demonstrate Respect for All Involved

– Which Includes Yourself

For reflective listening and underst anding to oc-

cur, all parties must feel respected in the process.

You demonstrate respect while listening when you

do the following:

• Offer advice only when asked;

• Believe that everyone has the ability to prob-

lem solve effectively and allow them the space

to do so;

• Identify the impact your emotions can have on

others;

• Manage your ability to stay balanced in the

face of heated emotions; and

• Understand and respect that others may have

different levels of comfort with conflict situa-

tions.

Practice 3 – Listen with an Empathic Mind as well

as a Strategic Mind

Often, when conflict erupts, the strategic mind

engages by creating argument, contention, and

debate, aimed at winning the fight. When listen-

ing with the empathic mind, you create the pos-

sibility of hearing others more fully rather than

crafting your own compelling refutation. The fol-

lowing helps you listen more empathically:

• Quiet your mind in order to give full attentionto the speaker;

• Don’t be distracted as the speaker tells his/

her story;

• Cultivate comfort with holding a range of

views and feelings about a challenge;

“I know you hear me, but are

you really listening?”

Six Practices of Reflective Listening

1. Develop

an Objective

Perspective

2. Demonstrate

Respect for All

Involved

3. Listen with an

Empathetic Mind,

as well as a

Strategic Mind

6. Speak with

Thoughtfulness

4. Paraphrase

Facts/Data,

Emotions, and

Values

5. Explore the

Other’s Story

through Thought-

ful Questioning

1 Adapted from Compassionate Listening: Healing Our World from the Inside Out.

The Compassionate Listening Project. Indianola, Washington. Retrieved on 11 Au-gust 2010. <http://www.compassionatelistening.org>





• Keep your opinions, stories, or interpreta-

tions off the table in order to simply listen.

Practice 4 – Paraphrase Facts/Data, Emotions,

and Values

When you listen, your own perspectives, expe-

riences, emotions, and even judgments often

cloud your understanding of what the speaker

has said. To top it off, you don’t always have the

full context for the information you’re receiving.

Therefore, it’s quite easy for misunderstandings

or assumptions to leave you with a false sense

of the speaker’s intended message. Paraphras-

ing not only helps to confirm and clarify what the

speaker is saying, it also demonstrates respect,

and shows the speaker that you are listening andtrying to understand. Use the following tips to

enhance your listening and understanding:

• Summarize the facts and data to verify that

you have not misunderstood any of the

speaker’s main points;

• If you sense that the speaker is expressing a

particular emotion, reflect what you are no-

ticing and check to see if that is actually what

they are feeling - don’t assume you know

what they are feeling;

• Articulate the values that surfaced in the

speaker’s message; and

• To further clarify, encourage the speaker to

expand on the information you’ve restated.

Practice 5 – Explore the Other’s Story through

Thoughtful Questioning

Thoughtfully posed questions can move people

to deeper reflection, inviting them to view con-

flict, others’ perspectives, and their own stories

in new and unforeseen ways. Tips for posingthoughtful questions include:

• Craft questions that invite more dialogue

--use an open-ended format rather than

closed;

• Avoid “Why” questions as they trigger defen-

siveness;

• Engage in a simple questioning strategy,

posing one question at a time aimed at not

befuddling or confusing the speaker; and

• Create questions that are empowering,

reflecting a belief that the speaker has some

positive intention and would be willing to

help resolve the challenge.

Practice 6 - Speak with Thoughtfulness 2

How you say what you say can invite others to

also practice reflective listening and engage

productively on difficult or sensitive discussions.

When you speak with thoughtfulness, you:

• Choose words that are non-judgmental

when questioning or offering reflections;

• Actively use words that connote understand-

ing and connection with others;

• Speak truthfully with compassion. This

doesn’t mean being brutally honest rather it

means to balance what needs to be said and

can be said constructively with caring for the

other person; and

• Speak to underlying needs that haven’t nec-essarily been articulated explicitly.

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Things to Remember:

• Listen intently until the speaker has finished.

• Listen and respond with genuine sincerity.

• Offer verbal and non-verbal cues that reflect

you’re listening.

• Understand the other’s culture enough to be

appropriate and respectful.

• Be authentic.

• Listen without judgment.

• Remember that this conversation is about

the speaker’s story; not yours.

• Allow the speaker space to solve his or her

own problem.

2 Adapted from The Fourth Precept: Deep Listening and Loving Speech, by Thich

Nhat Hanh. Retrieved 11 August 2010. <http://dharma.ncf.ca/introduction/pre-cepts/precept-4.html>





Recommended Readings

1. Compassionate Listening: An Exploratory Sourcebook about Conflict Transformation , by

Gene Knudsen Hoffman, Cynthia Monroe, and Leah Green, with editing by Dennis Rivers.

http://www.newconversation.net/listening; January 2008 Edition.

2. Listening With the Heart, a Guide to Compassionate Listening , by Carol Howshinsky,

Compassionate Listening Project, P.O. Box 17, Indianola, WA 98432. http://www.mideast-

diplomacy.org.

3. Compassionate Listening: Healing Our World from the Inside Out, The Compassionate

Listening Project, P.O. Box 17 Indianola, WA 98342. http://www.compassionatelistening.

org.

4. Tools for Transformation, A Personal Study , by Adam Curle., Hawthorne Press, United

Kingdom, 1990.

5. Being Peace , by Thich Nhat Hanh, Paralax Press, P.O. Box 7455, Berkeley, CA 94707,

1987.

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Reflective Listening -A Practice in Transforming Conflict

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