1 1 Readability in Proposals: Improve it in Four Easy Steps SAMANTHA ENSLEN Dragonfly Editorial 2 WHAT it is HOW to measure it HOW to improve it WHY it’s important 2
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Readabilityin Proposals:Improve it in Four Easy Steps
SAMANTHA ENSLENDragonfly Editorial
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WHAT it is
HOW to measure it
HOW to improve it
WHY it’s important
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WHAT IS READABILITY?
Readability
=
How EASY it is to read a piece of writing
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The fathers of readability
bad good
high low
The fathers of readability
Fleish Kincaid
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The fathers of readability
Flesch‐Kincaid Grade Level Readability
Flesh Reading Ease
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They assess
% short vs. long words
% short vs. long sentences
Text with shorter words and sentences
More readable
10
13th
6
11
13.5‐th
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2nd
5th–7th
5th
9th
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Readability goals
Flesch‐Kincaidgrade level = 5th – 9th
Fleschreading ease
≥ 60
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HOW DO YOU MEASURE IT?
8
15
Microsoft Word
Turn on readability
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Options
Proofing,
Show readability stats
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19
Get readability stats
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HOW DO YOU IMPROVE READABILITY?
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1. Simplify sentences
2. Simplify words
3. Shorten sentences & paragraphs
4. Enhance visual presentation
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1. SIMPLIFY SENTENCES
IMPROVING READABILITY:
KEEP THE VERB NEAR THE SUBJECT
IMPROVING READABILITY:
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The dog swallowed.
subject verb
(actor) (action)
The dog swallowed the bone.
subject verb object
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The dog swallowed the bone.
subject verb (object)
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The dog that I had had since I was a little girl growing up in Broward County, Georgia, living in a run-down shack with a dirt floor for a bed just down the road a piece from my grandma,swallowed the bone.
Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of Phase 1 of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts, will be difficult.
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Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts, will be difficult.
Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts,
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Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts, will be an absolute delight.
Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract
17th → 12th
The challenge is the inclusion of engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection in this effort.
will be difficult.
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Plaintiff's testimony that he had never had a back injury and had never been treated by a doctor for a back ailment before this workplace accident is suspect.
Plaintiff's testimony that he had never had a back injury and had never been treated by a doctor for a back ailment before this workplace accident is suspect.
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Plaintiff's testimony is suspect.
He states that he had never had a back injury and had never been treated by a doctor for a back ailment before this workplace accident.
13th → 8th
DON’T LEAVE THE READER IN SUSPENSE
IMPROVING READABILITY:
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For Tasks that require new applications, after Functional Testing; Integration, Checkout and Testing; User Acceptance Test – Test Readiness Review; User Acceptance Testing; and an on-site Operational Readiness Review, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager.
For Tasks that require new applications, after Functional Testing; Integration, Checkout and Testing; User Acceptance Test – Test Readiness Review; User Acceptance Testing; and an on-site Operational Readiness Review, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager.
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For Tasks that require new applications, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager.
For Tasks that require new applications, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager.This is done after Functional Testing; Integration, Checkout and Testing; User Acceptance Test – Test Readiness Review; User Acceptance Testing; and an on-site Operational Readiness Review.
10th → 9th
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REDUCE NOUNIFICATION
IMPROVING READABILITY:
The fathers of readability
before after
verb noun
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45
Take a verb
Decide
Manage
Conclude
Discuss
Examine
Consider
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Turn it into a noun
Decide
Manage
Conclude
Discuss
Examine
Consider
Decision
Management
Conclusion
Discussion
Examination
Consideration
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47
Add a bunch of other words
Decide
Manage
Conclude
Discuss
Examine
Consider
Make a decision
Provide the management of
Come to a conclusion
Have a discussion about
Conduct an examination of
Take into consideration
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We have made a decision to conduct an examination of the secret tomb.
We decided to examine the secret tomb.
10th → 9th
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49
Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel.
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Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel.
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Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel.
Our team will survey facilities, synchronize survey data, and coordinate logistics activities with base personnel.
17th → 15th
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Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel.
Our team will survey facilities, synchronize survey data, and coordinate logistics activities with base personnel.
17th → 15th
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Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel.
Our team will survey facilities, synchronize survey data, and coordinate logistics with base personnel.
17th → 15th13th
REDUCE PASSIVE VOICE
IMPROVING READABILITY:
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55
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57
The dog swallowed the bone.
subject verb object
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The dog swallowed the bone.
Subject does the action!
Active voice
30
59
The bone was swallowed by the dog.
Subject is acted upon
Passive voice
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The plaintiff gave testimony.
Testimony was given by the plaintiff.
Our team will write the guidelines.
The guidelines will be written by our team.
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62
A national network of experts will be deployed.
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A national network of experts will be deployed BY ZOMBIES.
PASSIVE
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Our Training and Development team will sponsor a series of weekly seminars.
ACTIVE
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Implementation of the Transition Plan will be carried out quickly and efficiently.
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Implementation of the Transition Plan will be carried out quickly and efficiently BY ZOMBIES.
PASSIVE
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All classified media will be correctly marked and proper safeguards for its storage will be followed.
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All classified media will be correctly marked and proper safeguards for its storage will be followed.
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All classified media will be correctly marked and proper safeguards for its storage will be followed.
We will correctly mark all classified media and follow proper safeguards for its storage.
11th → 10th
70
Agile development methodologies were successfully implemented and executed for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II.
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Agile development methodologies were successfully implemented and executed for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II.
We successfully implemented and executed Agile development methodologies for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II.
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Agile development methodologies were successfully implemented and executed for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II.
We successfully implemented and executed Agile development methodologies for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II.
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Agile development methodologies were successfully implemented and executed for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II.
We successfully implemented Agile development methodologies for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II.
20th → 18th
Free drinks are being served downstairs!
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The streaker was quickly apprehended.
2. SIMPLIFY WORDSIMPROVING READABILITY:
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77
Replace long with short
INSTEAD OF
Accordingly
Facilitate
Immediately
Utilize
Subsequently
Expeditious
TRY
So
Help
Now
Use
Then
Fast
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Replace complex with clear
Remuneration
Liaise
Enumerate
Corporation
Transformation
Pay
Meet
List
Firm
Change
INSTEAD OF TRY
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79
Replace many words with one
INSTEAD OF
Until such time as
Have a need for
Due to the fact that
In the event that
Has the capability to
TRY
Until
Need
Because
If
Can
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Readability = 12.8
Due to the fact that the mission‐critical
data items are waterlogged, we have
made a decision to put them in the dryer
until such time as they are no longer wet.
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81
Readability = 7
Because the critical data is wet,
we are putting it in the dryer.
CUT THE CLICHESIMPROVING READABILITY:
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83
Redundant
INSTEAD OF
Stated requirements
Pre‐planning
New innovations
Mission‐critical
Data items
End result
Previous experience
TRY
Requirements
Planning
Innovations
Critical
Data
Result
Experience
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Meaningless fluff
INSTEAD OF
Experience and expertise
A holistic solution
Drive synergy
Best‐of‐breed
World‐class
Leading edge, cutting edge
Uniquely qualified
Leverage our experience
TRY
Say what you mean
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85
Throat clearing
INSTEAD OF
It is important to remember that …
A key aspect of this effort which should not be overlooked is …
As such …
It is our intention to …
TRY
Just start your sentence
86
Readability = 13
A critical factor which should not be
overlooked is our experience and
expertise developing holistic solutions
for the Roswell base.
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87
Readability = 4
We have experience working at the
Roswell base.
REWORK NOUN PHRASES
IMPROVING READABILITY:
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90
INSTEAD OF
Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development
TRY
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91
INSTEAD OF
Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development
TRY
Developing procedures
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INSTEAD OF
Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development
TRY
Developing procedures to protect the safety
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93
INSTEAD OF
Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development
TRY
Developing procedures to protect the safetyof workers
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INSTEAD OF
Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development
TRY
Developing procedures to protect the safetyof workers in underground mines
16th → 9th
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95
High‐tempo operational equipment distribution is a strength of our plan.
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High‐tempo operational equipment distribution is a strength of our plan.
High‐tempo distribution
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97
High‐tempo operational equipment distribution is a strength of our plan.
High‐tempo distribution of operational equipment
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High‐tempo operational equipment distribution is a strength of our plan.
High‐tempo distribution of operational equipment is a strength of our plan.
13th → 12th
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99
In Appendix A, we share our latest tax reform proposals white paper from an accountant’s practical viewpoint.
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In Appendix A, we share our latest tax reform proposals white paper from an accountant’s practical viewpoint.
In Appendix A, we share our latest white paper.
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In Appendix A, we share our latest tax reform proposals white paper from an accountant’s practical viewpoint.
In Appendix A, we share our latest white paper.
It discusses tax reform proposals from an accountant’s practical viewpoint.
11th → 8th
3. SHORTEN SENTENCES
IMPROVING READABILITY:
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103
104
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105
Readability goals Ideal average
sentence length
= 14 words
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107
108
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109
From working at Apple computers to managing digital
networking for grassroots activism to supporting
information operations during Operation Iraqi
Freedom, this is a truly dynamic team that is poised to
meet the tasks and deliverables of this PWS and ensure
optimal support to the DOD long in the future.
= 50 words
ONE SENTENCES = ONE IDEA
IMPROVING READABILITY:
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The scope of work performed under this DO
The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool,
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The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools,
The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis
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The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment
The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications,
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The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications, to enable use via a web interface,
The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications, to enable use via a web interface, through the use of new and existing web services
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The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications, to enable use via a web interface, through the use of new and existing web services, while maintaining analytic momentum.
29th
61
Our overarching approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture centers on the integration of cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle, with an emphasis on the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation to ensure cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design.
Our overarching approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture centers on the integration of cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle, with an emphasis on the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation to ensure cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design.
Our approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture integrates cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle.
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Our overarching approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture centers on the integration of cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle, with an emphasis on the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation to ensure cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design.
Our approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture integrates cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle. We emphasize the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation.
Our overarching approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture centers on the integration of cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle, with an emphasis on the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation to ensure cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design.
Our approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture integrates cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle. We emphasize the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation. This ensures that cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design.
33rd → 18th
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Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals established and take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard to ensure we meet client goals.
Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals established and take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard to ensure we meet client goals.
Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals.
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Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals established and take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard to ensure we meet client goals.
Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals. He will also take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard.
Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals established and take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard to ensure we meet client goals.
Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals. He will also take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard. This will ensure we also meet client goals. 15th → 6th
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TURN NARRATIVE INTO CHUNKS
IMPROVING READABILITY:
130
Readability = 27.5
Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a
customer’s credit, quickly source the needed products
within the company’s global inventory, and ensure that
the products are shipped to the customer on time,
without having to “correct” a customer order when the
day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch of
printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.
66
131
Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a
customer’s credit, quickly source the needed products
within the company’s global inventory, and ensure that
the products are shipped to the customer on time,
without having to “correct” a customer order when
the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch of
printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.
132
Readability = 16.5
Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a
customer’s credit, quickly source the needed products
within the company’s global inventory, and ensure that
the products are shipped to the customer on time.
They no longer must “correct” a customer order when
the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch
of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.
67
133
Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a
customer’s credit, quickly source the needed products
within the company’s global inventory, and ensure that
the products are shipped to the customer on time.
They no longer must “correct” a customer order when
the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch
of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.
134
Readability = 11
Klinger sales representatives can:
instantly check a customer’s credit,
quickly source the needed products within the company’s global inventory, and
ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time.
They no longer must “correct” a customer order when the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.
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135
Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a customer’s credit, quickly source the needed products within the company’s global inventory, and ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time, without having to “correct” a customer order when the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.
Klinger sales representatives can:
instantly check a customer’s credit,
quickly source the needed products within the company’s global inventory, and
ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time.
They no longer must “correct” a customer order when the day‐old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping.
136
27.5 11
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137
Readability = 19.3
A provider‐based clinic model dictates that
outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices
of the larger medical entity, which reduces overhead
for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a separate
facility fee to be billed – this holds strong revenue
potential for the medical center; in turn, the
outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital
privileges and integrated medical records with the
main health system.
138
Readability = 18.3
Benefits of a Provider‐Based Clinic Model
In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under
the auspices of the larger medical entity, which reduces
overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a
separate facility fee to be billed – this holds strong
revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the
outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital
privileges and integrated medical records with the main
health system.
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139
Benefits of a Provider‐Based Clinic Model
In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under
the auspices of the larger medical entity, which
reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic while
allowing for a separate facility fee to be billed – this
holds strong revenue potential for the medical center;
in turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have
hospital privileges and integrated medical records with
the main health system.
140
Readability = 14.3
Benefits of a Provider‐Based Clinic Model
In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under
the auspices of the larger medical entity. This reduces
overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a
separate facility fee to be billed – this holds strong
revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the
outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital
privileges and integrated medical records with the
main health system.
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141
Benefits of a Provider‐Based Clinic Model
In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under
the auspices of the larger medical entity. This reduces
overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a
separate facility fee to be billed – this holds strong
revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the
outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital
privileges and integrated medical records with the main
health system.
142
Readability = 12.4
Benefits of a Provider‐Based Clinic Model
In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity.
This reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic
It allows for a separate facility fee to be billed – this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center
In turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges
It would also have integrated medical records with the main health system.
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143
Benefits of a Provider‐Based Clinic Model
In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity.
This reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic
It allows for a separate facility fee to be billed – this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center
In turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges
It would also have integrated medical records with the main health system.
144
Readability = 10.5
Provider‐Based Clinical Model
In this model, an outpatient facility operates as part of a larger hospital. This has several benefits:
Reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic
Increases revenue for the hospital, which can bill the outpatient clinic a “facility fee”
Provides hospital privileges to outpatient doctors
Integrates medical records at the clinic and the hospital.
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145
A provider‐based clinic model dictates that outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity, which reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a separate facility fee to be billed – this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges and integrated medical records with the main health system.
Provider‐Based Clinical Model
In this model, an outpatient facility operates as part of a larger hospital.
This has several benefits:
Reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic
Increases revenue for the hospital, which can bill the outpatient clinic a “facility fee”
Provides hospital privileges to outpatient doctors
Integrates medical records at the clinic and the hospital.
146
Readability 19.3 10.5
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SHORTEN PARAGRAPHS
IMPROVING READABILITY:
And add guideposts
75
76
When it comes to joint ownership of IP, equal isn’t always fair.
More owners means more red tape.
Collaboration doesn’t always mean cooperation.
Joint ownership can be a barrier to licensing.
The solution: Be clear about terms
Good subheads …
• Help tell your story
• Provide visual “guideposts” to help readers navigate the text
• Allow a reader to skim — and still get your message
77
MAKE IT VISUAL
IMPROVING READABILITY:
154
We shove a lot of text on our pages!
78
155
Where to focus?
156
We do the same thing with our proposals
79
157
But what if we didn’t?
158
Descriptive head & deck
80
159
Scannablesubheads
160
Easy‐to‐find benefits
81
161
Color
162
Graphics
82
163
White space
164
83
165
TOOLS FOR MEASURING READABILITY
84
167
Microsoft Word
168
85
169
Microsoft Word
Visible Thread
Hemingway Editor
170
Visible Thread
86
171
172
87
173
174
88
175
176
89
177
Hemingway
178
90
179
180
91
181
182
92
183
WHY IT’S IMPORTANT
IMPROVING READABILITY:
93
U.S. literacy sucks
11th grade level
97% of U.S. adults won’t understand
Source: U.S. Department of Education 2012 Adult Literacy Survey
Our attention is dropping
2000
12 seconds
2015
8.25 seconds
Source: 2015 Microsoft survey of Canadian media consumption
94
ReviewerScore
Proposal 1 4845
Proposal 2 4835
Proposal 3 3790
Proposal 4 3345
ReviewerScore
Numberof Words
Proposal 1 4845 330
Proposal 2 4835 1,867
Proposal 3 3790
Proposal 4 3345
95
ReviewerScore
Numberof Words
FleschReadability
Proposal 1 4845 330 40
Proposal 2 4835 1,867 26
Proposal 3 3790
Proposal 4 3345
ReviewerScore
Numberof Words
FleschReadability
Average Sentence Length
Proposal 1 4845 330 40 8 words
Proposal 2 4835 1,867 26 21 words
Proposal 3 3790
Proposal 4 3345
Source: City of Albuquerque Case Study: Is poor readability killing your exec summary? Visible Thread website, accessed July 25, 2016.
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RECAP
192
Create readable text
Flesch‐Kinkaid grade level = 5th–9th
Flesch Reading Ease ≥ 60
Sentence length ≤ 14
97
193
That’s visually accessible
Fleschreading ease
≥ 60
F‐K grade level 5th–9th
Sentence length≤14
194
How to get there
Shorten and simplify words
Shorten and simplify sentences
Watch for nounification and passive voice
Prioritize visual readability
98
195
How to measure
Microsoft Word readability stats
Visible Thread Clear Language meter
Hemingway Editor
196