Pygmalion (adapted script)

Pygmalion...of a fashion

Inspired by the play of George Bernard Shaw

Written by

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Edwin Creely

©2011

Characters

Beth Fathington (narrator)

Sarah Waite (narrator)

Eliza Doolittle (flower girl)

Professor Ernest Higgins (professor of phonetics)

Alice Pickering (friend of Higgins)

Jane Higgins (Higgin’s mother)

Gillian Beasley (Servant to Jane Higgins)

Pearl Baddington (Higgin’s Housekeeper)

Patrick Doolittle (Eliza’s father)

Georgina Doolittle (Eliza’s sister)

Freddy Lane (love interest of Eliza)

Maria Swienhearte (rival of Higgins)

Countess Elise Von Heigenburg (German Ambassador to London)

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Prologue

The two narrators enter. They are two old women, who initially sit with the audience. They

are dressed in costume from the 1950s. They tell the story of the play in retrospect.

Beth: I’m so excited about being here. So long ago. So many

memories. Just think—this is her story!

Sarah: Eliza’s story comes to the stage. Well,,,well. Who would

have thought? From where she came from! Anyway, remember that we’re

supposed to be stage hands.

Beth: Made more of her life than you did.

Sarah: You old hag. Watch your tongue. The girl had more…

advantages.

Beth: Better looking for a start.

Sarah: If I remember rightly, I was always more attractive for the

gentlemen.

Beth: Yes, they rather fancied you in your little maid uniform. You

know what those upper class gents are like in the 1890s. They would

have made Victoria herself blush.

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Sarah: I may have been a maid but she was a just flower girl. No

one fancied her then. Unsophisticated, and in the gutter. Oh,

except Freddy.

Beth: Dear Freddy. I wish more men were like him. The way he loved

her.

Sarah: Love? Well now, that must be a distant memory for you. Not

much recent action. Husband has been dead...how long?

Beth: (Seemingly ignoring her) She was an inspiration to all women. A

feminist who was not a feminist! Unlike her sister—the suffragette!

Sarah: What are you babbling about? Can’t you see the show’s about

the start. And we have a job to do. Eliza Doolittle, circa, 1951.

Beth: And Professor Higgins…what a pompous and cruel man.

Sarah: That’s not how I recall him. He gave Eliza her chance.

That’s more than most men give a women. Most men only want one

thing.

Beth: And what’s that?

Sarah: Their ego stroking, among other things.

Beth: Shhhh! The shows about to start. Eliza was only ever an

experiment for him.

Sarah: Well, maybe, but look what that experiment became!

Beth: She became what she wanted to become.

Sarah: With a little help. With a lot of help.

Eliza comes onto stage as the flower girl.

Beth: It’s Eliza, our poor lower class flower girl! And she doesn’t

know how to speak the way those in power know how to speak.

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Sarah: The gravity of social class, my dear Beth. And Professor

Higgins, a man of great learning whose life goal is to understand

the finer points of the way we speak, will change all that.

Beth: Through the Science of phonetics.

Sarah: How clever of you. Does language mean that much?

Beth: There are some now saying that language constructs us.

Sarah: Like some rickety old building.

Beth: Well…in your case….

Sarah: Shhhh!

Scene 1: A bet

Eliza is standing on a street corner trying to sell flowers. But she is being watched by two

people. She notices them out of the corner of her eye. Various people are going to and fro.

The opening action is portrayed through movement and stylized interactions. At one point

a group of women suffragettes, with banners, pass by, including the sister of Eliza,

Georgina. She stares at Eliza and motions her to join the protest. Eliza waves her away.

Eliza: Flowers for sale! Lot’s a lovely flowers. (Speaking to a potential

customer) Ya like ta buy some flowers, eh? Real good, they are.

Fresh and nice for the ladies. (And to another customer) As sweet

smellin’ as you madam. Special price just for taday.

Higgins and Pickering pass by.

Eliza: Sir? Madam? Flowers for ya?

Higgins: Did you hear that, Miss Pickering. Truly wonderful.

Pickering: Yes, indeed, quite remarkable.

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Higgins: Such a gutter snipe.

Eliza: Ya talkin’ to me, sir?

Higgins: Madam, it is only possible to have a conversation with one

capable of speaking the Queen’s English.

Eliza: You havin’ a go at me, sir.

Higgins: Indeed no, madam. Simply admiring your vulgarity.

Eliza: My vag-ar-aty? What ya mean, sir? I’m a good girl I am.

These are me own clothes. Paid for ‘em I did. Owe nothin’ to no

one. Not even me father. Now, if ya both excuse me. Flowers for

sale. Get your flowers! Best price in London.

Eliza freezes in the motion of offering a flower. Higgins and Pickering speak about her.

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Pickering: Professor, I think we should leave the girl be.

Higgins: Leave her be. Certainly not. This is the era of science,

Pickering. And she is the object of my study. An interesting

specimen for my collection.

Pickering: She cannot help the way she is. She’s a human being.

Let her be.

Higgins: I believe she can help it. In fact, I think a wager is

appropriate. I shall begin an experiment. What do you say to that?

Pickering: A wager? I worry about you, Ernest.

Higgins: Never mind trying to mother me, Mrs Pickering. Here’s the

bet: That I can turn her into a duchess. That she will speak the

Queen’s English better than Victoria herself. I will present her at

the Ambassador’s ball in April.

Pickering: I believe you are mad, sir. But the bet is on.

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They shake hands on it.

Higgins: Fifty pounds and not a cent less. (Eliza unfreezes) Now, miss,

what’s your name?

Eliza: Eliza it is, since the day I is born.

Higgins: Was born. Was born! Subject and verb must agree.

Eliza: What'ya on about? Oh, I see. You both makin’ fun of me. I

can’t speak real proper like you. But I’m a good girl, I am. Me

dream is to work in a dress shop. What’s a poor girl supposed to

do? Workin’ on the streets and tryin’ to get by. Only make a few

bob a day sellin’ flowers. You fine folk think ya betta than the

likes of me. Look down on me, you all do. Think I’m no betta than a

dog. But I think about things. I think that I’d like to get outa

here and live in a propa ‘ouse and wear really fancy clothes. I

dream too, you know. Might even join me sister protestin’.

Higgins: Oh, stop the babble and take this. (He gives her his card) Join

me at Wimpole Street tomorrow at 10 AM sharp. Did you hear me girl?

I mean to train you. Do this and you will have your dress shop.

Eliza: Why, yes sir. Didn’t mean nothin’ by what I said.

Higgins: Be there at 10 AM. See you then, duchess. Fifty pounds,

Mrs Pickering. Fifty pounds.

Both Higgins and Pickering exit. The narrators enter.

Beth: Is the soul of a human being worth just 50 pounds?

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Sarah: She didn’t have to accept it. She is a free agent. She was

her own woman.

Beth: She is, she was, just a specimen in a test tube for him, no

matter how much he cares to deny it.

Sarah: Yes, but what an interesting specimen. Can you change

someone by changing the way they speak?

Beth: She is who she is.

Sarah: Maybe. Hang on, look who’s coming. Oh, no.

Beth: Freddy. He never gives up.

Freddy enters. He goes straight to Eliza, doing acrobatic tricks on the way.

Eliza: What with the tricks Freddy?

Freddy: I’m learning to be a performer.

Eliza: (Sarcastically) How clever of you. What’ya want?

Freddy: To love you more than any man has ever loved a woman.

Eliza: Yeah, yeah! You men say ya love, say all the sweetest

things, and then turns ya back on a girl. The next pretty face and

ya gone.

Freddy: It’s true, Miss Dootlittle.

Eliza; Glad ya agree with me.

Freddy: No, my love is true. I am a one-woman man. Nothing matters

except my love for you.

Eliza: I know me place, Freddy, and it’s not with the likes of you.

Go back to ya circus tricks. Find some other girl.

She leaves.

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Freddy: There is no other girl, Eliza. There’s no one like you. No

one.

He exits.

Beth: See. He loves her.

Sarah: He thinks he loves her, but will it work? Language and class

are powerful factors.

Beth: Don’t underestimate love.

Sarah: What I’m not underestimating is the ability of Professor

Higgins. Come on help me set the next scene.

Beth: So, she’ll actually go?

Sarah: Yes. Call it curiosity. Call it pride. Blackout

Scene 2: At Wimpole Street

As the scene opens, Higgins is at his desk with Pickering beside him. Mrs Baddington, his

housekeeper, is serving tea.

Mrs Baddington: One or two sugars, sir.

Higgins: You always ask that Mrs Baddington, and I always reply,

one. Has she arrived yet?

Mrs Baddington: No sir. But all is prepared, just liked you asked.

But let me warn you, sir, about these street girls. They can be

quite treacherous.

Higgins: Clean her up when she comes. Get rid of those clothes.

I’ve taken the liberty to buy her some new ones.

Mrs Baddington: She may not want them, sir.

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Higgins: As long as she is in this house she will want whatever I

want her to want.

Mrs Baddington: As you like sir. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

They’re all alike these gutter snipes. All alike.

Higgins: Thank you Pearl for you wise advice.

Mrs Baddington exits.

Pickering: I think the fifty pounds is as good as mine. What

duchess has ever crawled out of the gutter?

Higgins: You are underestimating me, Pickering.

Pickering: I would never underestimate you, Earnest.

Higgins: The challenge will be the A vowel sounds. Aw instead of

Auw. And the grammatical structures of her words. And the consonant

sounds at the ends of words…

Pickering: Like I said, as good as mine.

There is a loud noise off stage. Mrs Baddington and Eliza speak off stage.

Eliza: You ain’t gunna take me clothes. I paid for ‘em out of me

own pocket, I did. You ain’t got any right.

Mrs Baddington: Now come along, Eliza. Be a good girl. Off with

those rags. You must do what you are told. Are you listening to me?

Eliza: I am a good girl. And you’re nothin’ but an old ‘ag.

Mrs Baddington: Now, now. Watch your tongue, girl. Professor

Higgins is going to have to teach you manners as well. And I might

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just use the strap on you. There now, much better out of those

horrible things. Alright, into the bath with you.

Eliza screams and screams. Plenty of ad lib here.

Higgins: Marvellous. Marvellous. Did you hear those vowel sounds? I

have made quite a study of the language of the streets.

Pickering: As you keep telling me.

Higgins: Just as you did of the Indian dialects.

Pickering: Yes, most interesting…especially the Bengali language.

When my husband, God bless his soul, was in the British army, he

learnt all these Bengali proverbs. I remember his favourite: “The

dustbin's dropping never goes to heaven.”

Higgins: Let's hope that St. Peter makes an exception for Eliza,

what.

They both laugh.

Mrs Baddington and Eliza are still off-stage.

Mrs Baddington: Now, on with your new clothes now, dear. That’s it.

Yes. Pretty as a picture. My word, you do come up quite well, Miss

Eliza. It’s marvellous what a bit of soap can do.

Eliza: AWWW! It’s don't look like me anymore.

Higgins: Is she ready, Mrs Baddington? Let’s see our duchess.

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Eliza enters, looking awkward and fiddling with the clothes, with Mrs Baddington pushing

her from behind.

Higgins: My goodness me. We are a picture. Mrs Baddington, dispose

of those clothes in the hottest furnace.

Mrs Baddington: But sir, she said they cost her two days’ work.

Higgins: Dispose of them. We will burn away the streets and get the

gutter out of this girl.

Mrs Baddington: As you wish sir.

Pickering: Earnest. Isn’t this going too far? She is a human being

after all.

Higgins: We change the outside, my dear, and then we change the

inside. A better person, Mrs Pickering. A better person. Mind you,

we all have our place. That's what my mother taught me. She said

that’s the way God made it. Some lead and others serve. Some have

wealth and others are poor. Some belong to one class and others to

another. Who are we to argue with the way things are? Everyone is

happy, and everyone knows their place. It’s manners and breeding

that distinguishes us.

Pickering: There are some who want to change this. The

suffragettes. The socialists.

Higgins: A passing fad, my dear. We are all betrayed by our tongues

and by our manners. Even Karl Marx would agree with that.

They all freeze on stage and the narrators enter.

Beth: He has no regard for her at all.

Sarah: Why should he? She is a nobody. Uneducated, with no manners.

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Beth: And he is going to make her into a somebody, I suppose?

Sarah: Maybe. It all begins in the morning. A fresh day and a new

beginning. But now we meet Eliza’s sister.

Beth: What was her name? It was so long ago.

Sarah: Age is catching up with you, Bethany. Georgina, the

suffragette. She believed in votes for women and rights for

workers. The great class struggle.

Beth: But her father was nothing but a dustman.

Sarah: A dustman philosopher. We meet him later in the play.

Beth: We are in a street.

Sarah: In a seedy part of town. Are you ready?

Beth: Ready for what?

Sarah: To put on a bit of bump and grind.

Lights dim.

Scene 3: Protest

It is the red light district. On a street corner both narrators acts as prostitutes. There is a

movement piece as gentlemen come and look at them. Georgina enters with Freddy. She

goes up to the prostitutes and kisses them on the cheek.

Freddy: Why did you call me here? I’ve never been in this part of

town before.

Georgina: That’s what all you gentlemen say.

Freddy: No, it’s true.

Georgina: I called ya ‘here to ask about Eliza. I’ve heard she’s

going to this gentlemen’s house for training. What ‘av you ‘eard?

I'm worried.

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Freddy: Nothing. She will not talk to me. I told her that I love

her.

Georgina: No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to ya. That's what all

you men say. And the upper class are the worst.

Freddy: I don’t care about social class and all that nonsense.

Georgina: Nonsense? Do you know anything, Freddy? Why do you think

I march and protest? The working class is oppressed by the upper

classes and women are oppressed by men. If sisters get the vote

then we might just ‘ave some chance to get change. We have Emmeline

Pankhurst to lead the way.

Freddy: Not sure I understand any of this. Things have always been

this way.

Georgina: Freddy, dear Freddy, you are the product of a smug class

that doesn’t know that a revolution is comin’. You need to read Das

Capital.

Freddy: Das what?

Georgina moves over to the prostitutes and puts her arms around them. The prostitutes

winks at Freddy and touch him, causing him to be embarrassed.

Georgina: These workers symbolise all that we stand for.

Freddy: But they’re whores.

Georgina: Yes. Fine observation, Freddy. But when all these fancy

gentlemen screw them, there's nothin’ but two bodies, and an

exchange of money. What does class matter then? Where are all their

fancy manners in that moment? We are, after all, just bodies.

Freddy: You make it sound ugly, like we are...animals.

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Georgina: Oppression is ugly, Freddy. Oppression. And maybe Darwin

is right that we are just animals and monkeys are our distant

cousins.

Freddy: I have to go. This place is…

Georgina: Scaring you? (Pulling Freddy close) You are right to feel

scared. Revolution is coming. The working class is rising.

Freddy scampers off, Georgina freezes on stage. The narrators come out of role as

prostitutes. As they talk, they set up for the next scene.

Beth: She was always the vulgar one.

Sarah: Speaking of vulgar, did you see how you looked as a whore?

Mutton dressed up as lamb.

Beth: Well, you’re not much better than an old boiler fowl

yourself.

Sarah: I think I looked rather fetching. Anyway, vulgar or not she

understood that change was coming. You are a product of that

change.

Beth: Yes, but we are more than just our biology.

Sarah: May be, maybe not. But now it’s a new day and the training

is to begin.

Beth: Eliza must have been so scared.

They exit.

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Scene 4: Training begins

The scene is the study of Professor Higgins. Eliza enters with Mrs Baddington. Higgins is not

there as yet.

Mrs Baddington: You need to do what the Professor tells you and

appreciate this opportunity. It comes to few of your class.

Eliza: But I don’t wanna live ‘ere. ‘ave me own place. I pay me

way. Do I really have to do all these exercises and learn all this

new stuff?

Mrs Baddington: Of course. It’s for your own good. He wants to make

a lady of you. Don’t forget that you have me to help you. Just

think what this will enable you to do.

Eliza: I could work in a dress shop. Earn meself a pretty penny.

Oh, ‘ow lovely that would be. Me own boss.

Mrs Baddington: Remember not to babble on, child. The Professor

will have his way. He always does. Believe me. So, mind your Ps and

Qs. And don’t forget. I am here to look after you.

Freddy, calling out. Off-stage.

Freddy: Eliza! Are you up there? What are they doing to you? Your

sister is worried.

Mrs Baddington: Mr Lane, will you cease, sir! She is well looked

after.

Freddy: I will wait for you, Eliza. You don’t need to be here.

Mrs Baddington: He is rather handsome.

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Eliza: ‘e’s a pest, ‘e is. My life ain’t ready for a man.

Mrs Baddington: What woman’s is? Now, Mr Lane, be off with you. Off

now, I say. (To Eliza) Remember not to encourage him, Eliza.

Eliza: Encourage him. Been hangin’ around me for months, like some

lost puppy dog.

Higgins enters in a work-like mood. Pickering joins him.

Higgins: If you will all excuse me Mrs Baddington, I have business

to attend to.

Mrs Baddington: Very well, sir. But if you happen to need

something....

Mrs Baddington leaves.

Are we ready, Eliza?

Eliza gets her purse out ready to pay for her lessons.

Eliza: I wanna pay for them lessons, sir. I wanna work in one of

those fancy dress shops.

Higgins: Put away your money. This is an experiment, Miss

Doolittle, and we begin our first lesson right now. (Trying to be coldly

humorous) Now, let me warn you. If you're good and do whatever

you're told, you shall sleep in a proper bedroom, and have lots to

eat, and money to buy chocolates and take rides in taxis. If you're

naughty and idle you will sleep in the back kitchen among the black

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beetles, and be walloped by Mrs. Baddington, with a broomstick no

less. At the end of six months you shall go to Buckingham Palace in a

carriage, beautifully dressed. If the Queen finds out you're not a

lady, you will be taken by the police to the Tower of London, where

your head will be cut off as a warning to other presumptuous flower

girls.

Pickering: Oh, Higgins, really. You silly old joker. (To Eliza) Never

mind him, Eliza. He has this strange sense of humour that only I

can appreciate. You shall work in a dress shop, my dear. Forgive

his strange ways.

Higgins: (Barking instructions and then manipulating her body) Now, Eliza, out

here where I can see you. Stand up straight! Head up. Back

straight. Don’t stand like an ape, even though you might be related

to one. You must have the poise of a lady. Walk for me. No, not

like that! You walk like a duck.

Pickering: Really, Higgins. Gentle persuasion is far more

effective. Let me show you, my dear.

Pickering demonstrates how a lady should walk. Eliza then successfully does it. This

becomes a dance between the two of them.

Higgins: Enough. Enough now, Pickering! Phonetics. We need to teach

you to speak like a duchess, Eliza, not just stroll like one. It is

the surest sign of breeding. (As he says this he monitors her breath in and

out) Breathing, Eliza. Do not move your shoulders. In the stomach

like the opera singers. Now, let’s begin with the A vowel sound.

Say, “This is a fine day”.

Eliza: Thyys is ahhh fyne daaayy.

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Higgins: No. No. No. Day. Day, Eliza. Shorter vowel sound. Again.

Eliza: Thisss is ayyy fine dey.

Higgins: A little better. Try this: “The rain in Spain falls mainly

in the plain”. And stand up straight. Chest out. Head up. Breath.

Eliza: Thee reen in Spyyn faaals meeely in the pleeen.

Higgins: Again. Watch your vowel sounds.

Eliza: The rean in Speen falls mainnnly in the plaaain.

Higgins: Better…I think. We have the whole day. Again, Eliza.

Eliza: Thay raain in Spen fells manly in the playn.

Higgins: Hmm. Remember, it takes years, and I mean years, to be a

lady. Ask Pickering here.

Pickering: Oh, yes indeed. Years.

Higgins: It’s the training. It’s the way one stands and dresses.

Deportment they call it. A lady should be able to sing and play the

piano. She should speak at least three languages. And she must know

how to carry herself in company. A gentlemen looking for a wife

should not expect anything less.

Pickering: Indeed, I have all these qualities myself. Isn't that

so, Professor Higgins?

Higgins: (Seeming to ignore her) Are you up to being a lady?

Eliza: I am sir, yes I am.

Higgins: Good. Again, repeat after me….

For a short while, in silence, they go through exercises in a stylised, ritual-like, fashion. They

freeze. The narrators enter. They adjust the set for the next scene as they speak.

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Beth: And so began the daily grind of exercises. Eliza spoke so

often about that. She said that she cried as much as she spoke. So

often she felt like giving up. But she never did. Every combination

of voice exercise one could imagine was foisted on her..

Sarah: Not to forget the deportment lessons.

Beth: And the classes in etiquette. Whatever else could be said

about Professor Higgins, he was a man of utter dedication to his

experiment. Ruthless dedication.

Sarah: Then, one day, as you well remember, there was a knock at

the front door.

Beth: Someone else was interested in what was happening to Eliza.

Lights dim

Scene 5: Meeting with Doolittle and Georgette

Pickering enters Higgins office first, she sits reflecting.

Pickering: Not sure I should have taken on this bet. Earnest has

this tendency towards obsession—it’s what I love and dislike about

him. Privately, I don’t think I have much of a show of winning.

Already there are signs of change in Eliza. And the way he looks at

her. She has become his sculpture, his creation. So into his

research that he doesn’t even recognise that I am beside him.

More’s the pity. Ever since my husband died in some insignificant

skirmish in India he has been my friend. But his mother does not

approve of me, I’m sure. To be honest, she doesn’t like the fact

that I actually think. And that I believe women’s identities are

not tied to men. You know, I might not be a professional like

Higgins but I have a pretty useful knowledge of phonetics myself.

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Studied the Indian dialects while I was there with my husband. We

do have a lot in common, don’t we? If you are looking ahead you

often don’t see what’s beside you.

Higgins enters his study with Mrs Baddington. Mrs Baddington is taking down a list of

things that Higgins wants for Eliza.

Higgins: I need a new hat, some gloves, a ladies fan…and some

lovely smelling stuff...

Mrs Baddington: Some perfume, sir.

Higgins: Yes, perfume. Not only look the part, not only speak the

part, but smell the part. Might get that street odour out of her

bones.

Pickering: Oh…and some chocolates. We must have chocolate to

sweeten this sour puss.

Mrs Baddington: It is as good as done, Professor Higgins, Mrs

Pickering. Leave it to me.

There is a knock at the door. Mrs Baddington exits to get it. She returns quickly.

Mrs Baddington: There is a…gentleman…a man here to see you,

Professor...and a young woman.

Higgins: Who are they?

Mrs Baddington: I believe that it is…the father of our Eliza…and

her…older sister.

Higgins: Really? How interesting. Show them in.

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Mr Patrick Doolittle and Georgina Doolittle enter and Patrick gives a slight bow to Higgins,

who motions him to sit.

Higgins: You are welcome to join us.

Doolittle: If ya don’t mind, governor, I’d rather stand. Don’t want

to sit in company the likes of yours.

Higgins: You are Eliza’s father? And you’re her sister?

Georgina: You can call me Georgina.

Doolittle: That be right, Professor. And I’m a poor old dustman I

am. Poor as a church mouse, I be. You get me meaning, governor?

Higgins: Mr Doolittle, you need to make yourself entirely clear. I

am a busy man.

Doolittle: Me poverty is speaking, governor.

Higgins: Oh, it’s remuneration that you require?

Doolittle: If that means money, that is me point.

Georgina: We shouldn’t ‘ave come, papa. This isn’t right. We are

grovellin’ to the upper classes.

Doolittle: You will have to forgive me daughter, governor. She’s

got into all this fancy socialist stuff. And she’s joined those

bleedin’ suffagettes.

Georgina: Suffragettes!

Higgins: Yes, I’ve heard of them. Go on.

Doolittle: It’s very kind of you to have me girl stayin’ here. If

you want the girl, I'm not so set on having her back home agin, but

what I might be open to is an arrangement.

Georgina: She’s our flesh ‘n blood, father. You are no better than

the ruling classes.

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Doolittle: She's a fine handsome girl, isn’t she, governor. Very

fine indeed. I’m sure you’ve noticed. As a daughter she's not worth

her keep. And so I tell you straight, all I ask is me rights as her

father; and you're the last man alive to expect me to let her go

for nothin’; for I can see you're one of the straight sort,

Governor. Well, what's a five pound note to you? And what's Eliza

to me?

Pickering: I think you ought to know, Mr Doolittle, that Professor

Higgins's intentions are entirely honourable. I can vouch for that

personally.

Georgina: I bet.

Mrs Baddington: The very thought. Shame on you, Mr Doolittle.

Doolittle: I have me rights as her father. There’s no shame in

that.

Georgina: We should go, Pa, and take Eliza with us. She has rights

too.

Higgins: Let me get this right. You would sell your daughter…for

five pounds?

Doolittle: Don't say that, Governor. Don't look at it that way.

What am I? I'm one of the undeserving poor: that's what I am. Me

needs is as great as the most deserving widow. I don't eat less

hearty and I certainly drink a lot more. I want a bit of amusement,

cause I'm a thinking man. I want cheerfulness and a song and a band

when I feel low. Well, they charge me just the same for everything

as they charge the deserving. What is middle class morality? Just

an excuse for never giving me anything. I ain't pretending to be

deserving. I'm undeserving; and I mean to go on being undeserving.

I like it; and that's the truth. Will you take advantage of a man’s

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nature to do him out of the price of his own daughter what he's

brought up and fed and clothed by the sweat of her brow until she's

growed big enough to be interesting to you two fine folk? Is five

quid unreasonable? I put it to you; and I leave it to you.

Georgina: This is outrageous. Professor Higgins, forget that we

ever came here.

Doolittle: You let it be, Georgie. The gent is thinkin’

Higgins: Pickering, if we listen to this man another minute we

shall have no convictions left. Sir, five pounds it is. But call

this a gratuity.

He pulls out his wallet and hands him five pounds. But Georgina snatches it from him.

Doolittle: A gratuity it is then, governor.

He begins to leave.

Higgins: Be sure to come and visit Eliza.

Doolittle: Oh, that I will, governor. That I will.

Georgina: She shouldn’t stay here. Is this what you’ve become?

Higgins: You are certainly the most original moralist in all

England, Mr Doolittle.

Doolittle: Much obliged, governor.

Pickering: Well…well… most extraordinary.

Just at that moment Eliza enters with Elizabeth. Doolittle does not recognise her

24

Eliza: (In very proper English) May I speak with Professor Higgins.

Doolittle: Oh, excuse me, madam.

Eliza: (She stares for a while realising it is her father) Father? Georgina?

Doolittle: Eliza? What ya doing in that get up? Just had a nice

chat with this wonderful gent ‘ere.

Eliza: With Professor Higgins? What ya doin’ here? (She looks around

and realises what is going on) Oh, I see. Ya kicked me out ya did. ‘ad to

go on the street sellin’ bleedin’ flowers. Bahhhh! Girl had to find

‘er own place. What sorta father are ya? And now ya come ‘ere afta

money. Take ‘im outa here, Georgina.

Higgins: Eliza, your language! Now, let me introduce your father

and your sister.

Georgina: Eliza?

Eliza: Bahhhh!

She storms out of the room, with Elizabeth chasing her.

Mrs Baddington: Wait! Eliza. I’m coming with you.

The narrators enter.

Beth: Well…well…well. How easily she fell back into bad old ways.

All that training meant nothing when it came to facing who she

really is,

Sarah: There is a lot more of the story to be told yet. She is only

just beginning. Anyway, who wouldn’t flip out with a father like

25

Doolittle. Come on, get those old bones moving and let’s set up the

pub scene.

They both begin to set up the pub.

Beth: You mean we have to follow Doolittle to the pub?

Sarah: Yes of course. Don’t forget that he’s the most original

moralist in England.

Beth: Yes, he’d sell his grandmother for two bob.

Sarah: (Throwing her an apron) Oh, did I tell you we are the barmaids

in the pub?

Beth: I would never have guessed.

Scene 6: At the pub

The scene is the pub. There is a stylised pub scene with the two barmaids and various drunk

patrons and women of ill repute. Doolittle and Georgina enter and sit down. Doolittle puts

out his hand and Georgina hands over the money reluctantly.

Doolittle: Five quid, Georgina. A lot of money for the likes of us.

But not enough to make me a middle class gent. (To the barmaid) The

freshest pint you’ve got, love.

Georgina: It ain’t right, papa. Eliza’s me sister. She has rights.

Doolittle: You’ve been fillin’ that ‘ead of yours with all that

suffagette nonsense. I don't mind the new unions, but these

suffagettes....

26

Georgina: Suffragette! Our numbers are growing. We are thinking of

forming a women’s union.

Doolittle: Women with the vote? Women with the same rights as men?

Next they’ll be sayin’ that a bugger like me can be Prime Minister.

Georgina: Why not? Maybe even a woman some day.

Doolittle: (Finding this very funny) I might be the most original

moralist in England, but we’re all gunna be long dead before that

day.

Georgina: Papa, I thought you were more progressive.

Doolittle: Progressive? Where do ya get all these new words?

Georgina: It’s a new age, father, and the working class is gunna

rise. You could be part of it too.

Doolittle: Part of it? You make me laugh girl. Wonder whether

you’re me own flesh and blood sometimes. Maybe your mother got

around with that Karl Marx fella.

Georgina: Very funny!

Doolittle: No. You’ve got it wrong girl. The classes will always be

with us. And money.

Georgina: Money. The drug of the upper classes. The mechanism for

keepin’ everyone enslaved.

Doolittle: Let me tell ya something, Georgie. I’ve got a little

poem about money. Been writin' some limericks in me spare time.

As he says the poem, he moves and interacts with other patrons in the pub.

Ya can’t live with it’

Ya can’t live without it.

27

It tells you what to do and think,

It tells you what to say.

We want it but can’t ‘have it,

And when ya get it it’s soon gone

It slips through ya fingers,

Like streams of sunshine

It slips through ya fingers,

Like streams of sunshine

Money is the drug;

Money is master.

Money tells us how to live,

And even how to die.

So, let’s all give a great big cheer,

For money,

Our great god.

When we think we’ve got enough of it,

It’s more of it we want.

Money is the drug;

Money is master.

Money tells us how to live,

And even how to die.

Georgina: My father: the moralist and the poet.

28

Doolittle: Why thank ya my dear.

Georgina: Yes, money is a drug. But aren't people more important

than money?

He pulls out a letter and begins reading it.

Doolittle: When you’ve lived as long as me, you see ‘ow the world

is. It’s dog eat dog, Georgie. Survival of the fittest, or so

Charles Darwin says. Come on, I’ve got to go to this fancy lawyer.

Got this funny letter, ya see. Something about me great Aunt

Mildred. Didn’t even know I ‘ad an Aunt. Strange.

They exit. The two narrators enter.

Beth: You think he’s right about money?

Sarah; Of course he's right. We all crave it, especially when we

don’t have it.

Beth: Meanwhile, Eliza is stewing about her father’s visit. All she

is worth is five pounds.

Sarah: Doolittle is a typical opportunist. He’d look for any means

of fleecing a wealthy gentleman like Higgins. By the way, who’s

Aunt Mildred?

Beth: Quiet. It’s Eliza. She looks annoyed.

Scene 7: Eliza speaks her mind

Eliza is sitting on a street corner with Mrs Baddington. They are chatting.

29

Eliza: I was trying to make it on me own and that man appears. For

what?

Mrs Baddington: For money, I think?

Eliza: For whatever pennies he can get to drink another day at the

pub. He’s me father but that’s all. Kicked me outa ‘home ‘cause she

couldn’t afford to feed me. I’ve gotta chance with this Higgins.

Mrs Baddington: Professor Higgins is a strange man, Eliza. Why he

picked you I don’t know. But don’t worry my darling, nothing is

going to happen to you while I’m around.

Eliza: Feel like screamin’ at times. All too hard: all these voice

exercises and deportment stuff. But I wanna be a lady. Don’t want

to end up like my father. My own lady. Get off the street and be

somebody.

Mrs Baddington: I don’t think Professor Higgins cares about that.

He’s presenting you to his mother tomorrow. You’ve got to be the

lady and she’s got to approve of you. There’s something else going

on here I’m sure of it. I’ve heard Mrs Pickering and Professor

Higgins whispering.

Eliza: I’m going to good, Mrs Baddington. I’m not letting me

bastard of a father bring me down.

Just at this moment, Freddy appears.

Freddy: Eliza? Mrs Baddington?

Eliza: Freddy, go away.

Mrs Baddington: Hello Freddy. How unusual to see you.

Freddy: Eliza, I don’t care about you becoming a lady. I was happy

with the old Eliza. Your sister is right.

30

Eliza: (Putting on an over-the-top street voice) ‘appy! ‘appy wiv a voice

liiike this. What would me stupid sister know? Well, I’m not happy,

Freddy. You have the education but you’ve made nothin’ of yourself.

You’re a nobody Freddy. A foolish nobody who does circus tricks. I

want to be a somebody.

Mrs Baddington: That’s very cruel, Eliza.

Eliza: Yes, cruel! Like life. Like my father. Goodbye, Freddy. Go

and find yourself another flower girl.

Freddy: There isn’t another flower girl like you, Eliza. No one

like you, Eliza. No one.

Eliza: Come on, Mrs Baddington, let’s get back. I might end up

punching someone.

They both exit leaving Freddy staring after them, still in the scene. The narrators enter and

begin to set up the drawing room of Mrs Higgins.

Beth: So that’s what happens when you train to be a lady. You

become cold-hearted. And vindictive. I remember that Eliza was a

little bit that way.

Sarah: It’s what happens when you’re to have your first outing as a

lady and when you’ve just met your past.

Beth: From gutter snipe to lady.

Sarah: Precisely. Eliza is to be presented to Higgin’s mother. She

only knows that a young lady is going to accompany her son for

morning tea.

Beth: He means to fool her?

Sarah; Yes, fool her. It’s part of the bet. Pickering insisted on

it. Let’s see what happens. Oh, and put on your apron.

31

Beth: Whatever for?

Sarah: You are playing Gillian, Mrs Higgin’s maid.

Beth: Oh I am, am I?

Sarah: Hurry up old girl. The dowager awaits.

Scene 8: The first test. Going to mother’s

The scene is the house of Professor Higgins mother. She enters the scene with her servant,

Gillian.

Mrs Higgins: What time did they say they would arrive?

Gillian: 10.30 AM, madam.

Mrs Higgins: Why would he be introducing me to a young woman?

Gillian: If you don’t mind me saying, Mrs Higgins, there is only

one reason. And it is about time.

Mrs Higgins: Yes, I agree. But he is late.

There is a bell to signal someone at the door. Gillian leaves and returns with Higgins,

Pickering and Eliza.

Gillian: Mrs Higgins, may I present your son, Professor Higgins,

and his friend Miss Eliza Doolittle. And, of course, you know Mrs

Pickering.

Eliza bows to Mrs Higgins and stands very properly.

32

Higgins: Why so formal? Mother, lovely to see you again. (He greets

her and kisses her on the cheek) Now, this is Eliza, mother. And Mrs

Pickering decided to grace us with her company again.

Mrs Higgins: Pickering. My dear, you are a picture of loveliness.

Walk for me. Let me look at you.

Eliza strolls up and down the room perfectly as a lady.

Higgins: Eliza is a cousin of Mrs Pickering and from a fine family.

Isn’t that right, Alice?

Pickering: Oh…yes…Second cousin…twice removed.

Mrs Higgins: How delightful. And you like her, Earnest?

Higgins: Of course. A duchess, a veritable duchess. A woman after

my own heart.

Mrs Higgins: Good. Good. (To Eliza) Tell me something about yourself,

Miss Doolittle.

Eliza: (A little stiffly) Educated at Eaton Ladies College. I enjoy

reading and sewing. And I have a great interest in the works of

Johann Strauss.

Mrs Higgins: Really. Which ones?

Eliza: Well?!

Higgins: Now where is our cup of tea? Mother you are slipping.

Pickering: Yes, Miss Eliza. Which ones?

Mrs Higgins: Oh goodness, so I am. I was just so fascinated with

this lovely creature. Gillian! Tea!

Gillian: Yes, madam.

Gillian begins to serve tea.

33

Pickering: You were saying, Miss Eliza?

Higgins: She loves the waltzes. Isn’t that right, Eliza. The Blue

Danube?

Eliza: Oh, yes. I love to dance.

Mrs Higgins: That’s most delightful. If only my Earnest would spend

more time dancing he might actually find himself a young lady.

Pickering: Maybe he needs to look a little harder and see what’s

close to him.

Mrs Higgins: What was that, Mrs Pickering?

Pickering: Oh, nothing. Just a dream.

Mrs Higgins: Well, we would be nothing without our dreams, don’t

you agree, Eliza?

Eliza: Of course, madam. And I must say that I have mine.

Mrs Higgins: Well, I am delighted to hear that Eliza. You certainly

are wonderful, my dear.

They all freeze and the narrators enter.

Beth: A perfect acting job. He succeeded. Round one to Professor

Higgins.

Sarah: I wonder what eternal punishments come to those who lie to

their mothers.

Beth: In the case of Higgins, to be forever in a place where no one

speaks.

Sarah: His mother believed all the lies about Eliza. Not quite a

duchess yet. But she was convincing enough.

Beth: Convincing enough to fool everyone but Freddy.

34

Sarah: You mean he hasn’t given up?

Beth: Does love ever give up? Oh, it is so beautiful.

Sarah: You are nearly making me puke. And so the weeks go by.

Nearly time for Ascot.

Beth: What are you wearing?

Lights dim as the narrators set up a table with plates and cutlery as they speak.

Scene 9: Freddy’s in love

Mrs Baddington enters with Eliza. They sit at the table and Mrs Baddington goes over

dinner table etiquette. This is done in mime in the dim light and the conversation

commences as the lights come up.

Mrs Baddington: You start on the outside and work your way in.

Now, do you remember all that Eliza?

Eliza: This spoon is for desert. Yes, of course. I am ready, Mrs

Baddington. And thank you.

Mrs Baddington: You are more than just an experiment to me, you

know. There is something unique about you, Eliza. To think that you

were once a gutter snipe.

Eliza: Thanks you, Mrs Baddington, I think. You might be grumpy

sometimes but you’ve a heart of gold.

Mrs Baddington: Cheeky girl. Now don’t forget to keep going over

those vowel sounds. And Professor Higgins thought you were just a

little unnatural at his mother’s.

Eliza: Yes, Mrs Baddington

35

Just at this moment Freddy calls out from the street

Freddy: Eliza! My sweet Eliza!

Mrs Baddington: What is it?

Freddy: I want to come up to see Eliza.

Eliza: Tell him I’m not here.

Mrs Baddington: She’s not here.

Freddy: I’m coming!

Freddy enters, out of breath.

Eliza: Mrs Baddington, tell that pest that I don’t want to see him.

Freddy: Tell me yourself Eliza.

Eliza: Freddy.

They stare at each other for a moment.

Eliza: Do you mind if we’re left alone? Please.

Mrs Baddington exit, looking back, grinning.

Mrs Baddington: Go gentle on him, Eliza.

Freddy: (Takes a small box out of his pocket) We’ve known each other for a

while, Eliza.

Eliza: (Shaking her head) Freddy.

Freddy: No. Hear me out. Before that Higgins ever made you into

something that you’re not. Before he made you his sculpture, I

36

loved you. I don’t care how you speak. That’s not what defines a

person. I’ve written a poem for you, Eliza.

He awkwardly gets out a piece of paper, his poem.

Eliza: Freddy, this is….

Freddy: Be quiet and listen to my heart.

As he performs he uses acrobatics to emphasise his meaning, in a rather child-like and

innocent fashion.

You are the sweetest girl

Who lives on this grey earth.

You bring the sun,

You bring a smile,

You make me want to live.

Even though my life may be tough,

I know this to be true:

With you here by my side,

My grey turns to blue.

Eliza, you have always been a lady. It’s what you are. You don’t

need to speak proper.

Eliza: But I do. Don’t you see, Freddy. It is holding me back.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of what Professor Higgins has done

for me, it’s given me a chance.

37

Freddy opens up the box and shows the contents to Eliza.

Freddy: It belonged to my grandmother.

Eliza: Freddy. I can’t accept this. I don’t love you. I’m just

starting to love myself.

Freddy: Hold onto it for now. Think about it. Maybe I’ll grow on

you.

Higgins comes in and gets angry about Freddy being here.

Higgins: Freddy, what are you doing here? This is a classroom. A

classroom. Do you hear me?

Freddy: I came here to make Eliza an offer. I have given her a

ring.

Higgins: Ring indeed. Out! Out, now! You are not turning my

greatest creation, my sculpture, into a boring housewife. She has

her moment of glory at Ascot tomorrow. She doesn’t need the likes

of you.

Freddy: I am sorry, Sir. Forget that I was here.

He begins to leave.

Eliza: Don’t go, Freddy. He is my friend, Professor Higgins. He

leaves when I want him to leave.

Higgins: He leaves now, Eliza! Now! Your final preparations for the

races are well underway. Nothing should distract you from that.

Eliza: (In her former way of speaking) He aint’ gunna go on accounta me.

‘es me friend, governor.

Freddy: Oh, Eliza!

38

Higgins: Eliza!

They freeze on stage and the two narrators enter. They begin to set up for the racecourse

scene.

Beth: Oh, bravo. Eliza. Bravo!

Sarah: But that was just to spite Higgins. She doesn’t really love

Freddy. Freddy’s a fool.

Beth: I still say, bravo. She’s made it, Sarah. She understands the

power of language now. She understands. This has nothing to do with

Freddy.

Sarah: She might understand but she needs to do it. All the

greatest toffs in London will be at Royal Ascot. If she is to be

found out, it’s there. It has over 200 years of tradition.

Beth: And we even get to go.

Sarah: Don’t get so excited, it’s just a play, Bethany. But before

Ascot, we are going to have final peek at her preparations.

Beth: Will she make the grade?

Scene 10: The examination

Higgins enters his study with Pickering.

Pickering: Is this all really necessary, Higgins?

Higgins: Of course, Pickering.

Pickering: But an examination?

Higgins: My dearest Mrs Pickering, what better way to demonstrate how you will

lose your 50 pounds.

Pickering: (Playful) You are a cruel man, Professor Higgins.

Higgins: You may come in, Eliza.

Eliza enters a little uncertainly.

39

Pickering: Relax, Eliza. You are going to be great. Just think how far you’ve

come.

Higgins: Well, she has to prove that. Now, let’s begin. Say this perfectly: “The

rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.” With correct vowel sounds.

Eliza: The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain.

Pickering: Excellent, Eliza.

Higgins: Reasonable. Tell us about our Monarch.

Pickering: Remember that we went through this together.

Higgins: Pickering, this is an examination.

Pickering: (She salutes him in comic jest) Yes, master.

Eliza: Our Monarch, Queen Victoria, is the longest serving Head of State in

British history. Her eldest son, Edward, is heir to the throne. Queen Victoria’s

husband, Albert, died tragically many years ago, and since that time Queen

Victoria has not remarried but attended to her duties as head of the greatest

empire on earth.

Pickering: Well now, I think she is near perfect, Professor Higgins.

Higgins: Yes, passable. More natural flow of language, Eliza. Pickering, are you

ready with your question?

Pickering: You know that I’m ready whenever you say, Earnest.

Higgins: Proceed.

Pickering: What is the most important duty of a woman?

Eliza: The most important duty of a woman is to be a worthy

companion for her husband. She is to complement and support him.

She is to have poise and grace. She must be able to engage in

conversation such that her husband is elevated by her presence. But

Professor Higgins, what about a woman’s duty to herself?

Higgins: You have been listening too much to those suffragettes…and

to Pickering.

Pickering; What is it you want, Ernest: a companion or a doormat? I

know you are sympathetic to the cause of the suffragettes. Your

stuffy pompous ways cannot disguise your real feelings in regard to

40

women. The world is beginning to change. I think you've read one

too many Jane Austen novels.

Higgins: You may well be right, but the point is that this duchess

must be ready to mix in society where certain duties are expected.

Eliza: Is that why you didn't choose my sister, Georgina?

Higgins: My choice, dear girl, is entirely a matter for myself and

Pickering here. Now...walk for me. Liberated or not, you still need

to have poise.

She walks for him with utter grace and poise. Both Higgins and Pickering nod in approval.

They all freeze. The narrators enter.

Beth: What hat shall I wear?

Sarah: Whichever best takes attention from your face, dearest.

Beth: I think this one.

Sarah: This is Eliza's first showing in society.

Beth: We shall see what whether Higgins really is such a good

teacher.

Sarah: Have you any doubt?

Scene 11: The second test. Royal Ascot.

There is a piece of movement theatre in which the ladies and gentlemen of Ascot and their

mannered ways are inspected. Following the movement, Higgins, Pickering, Eliza, and Mrs

Higgins enter.

Pickering: Quite a crowd, Ernest. The Duke of York is even here.

The say the Queen might come but she’s still fretting over Albert.

41

After so long. And it seems Miss Doolittle is quite a hit with

everyone.

Mrs Higgins: Yes, quite a hit. When we presented Eliza to the

Duchess of Cornwall, she wanted her for her lady in waiting.

Higgins: High praise indeed, don’t you think, Pickering.

Pickering: I must agree, Professor Higgins.

Eliza: So, they like me?

Mrs Higgins: Why, yes indeed. A girl with your class and breeding.

You fit here like hand in glove.

Eliza: You are too kind, Lady Higgins.

Mrs Higgins: Not at all my dear. My son has made a marvellous

choice in you.

Pickering: Choice?

Higgins: Mother?

Just at this moment Doolittle enters. He is picking up rubbish from the racecourse. Eliza

sees him first as he moves towards her.

Eliza: (Attempting to whisper) Professor Higgins—look!

Higgins: What is he doing here?

Eliza: He may have gained employment?

Higgins: As a street sweeper, no doubt.

Pickering: Well now, this is most interesting, wouldn't you say,

Professor Higgins?

Doolittle approaches and recognises Eliza and Higgins, moving over to greet them both.

Doolittle: Greetings to ya, governor. Miss Eliza.

42

Mrs Higgins: Who is this…man, Earnest?

Higgins: A...subject of mine…for my research.

Doolittle: Oh yes, Mrs, a fine subject indeed. Isn’t that right,

Miss Eliza?

Eliza: I don’t believe I know you. Were you once one of the

servants at my household?

Doolittle: Dustman yes, servant no. I’m closa to the earth, so to

speak. Down with the refuse of society. No flowers, Miss Eliza?

Higgins: Are you quite finished, Doolittle? Take your broom and

resume your duties.

Doolittle: Nice job this, governor. Them that run this sideshow are

men of principle, ya see. Don’t want too much of the horse

droppings to get on the ladies hems. Turned to an expert they did.

Willin’ to pay a pretty penny too.

Mrs Higgins: Should we be seen talking to this man, Earnest.

Higgins: Indeed no. Off with you now.

Doolittle: Be seein' ya Miss Eliza.

Just at this moment a group of women enter carrying placards. They are shouting words

such as “Down with oppression!” and “Votes for women!”. At their lead is Georgina. They

march up to Mrs Higgins and motion her to join them. She is filled with indignation.

Doolittle: Georgie’s up to it agin.

Mrs Higgins: This is outrageous.

Higgins: They are calling themselves suffragettes.

Pickering: Women of all classes coming together.

Higgins: And you think that’s a good thing?

43

Pickering: As I've said to you before, women have a voice too,

Earnest. Don’t you agree, Eliza?

Eliza: Not sure I know anything about such things.

Georgina comes over to Doolittle and kisses him on the cheek and then comes to Eliza.

Georgina: Want to join us sis? We thought we’d stir up the upper

crust with a bit of protesting at Ascot. Most of the members of

Parliament are here. Good chance to put it in their faces.

Mrs Higgins: You know this woman, Eliza?

Georgina: Well…no. Not that way. She…she’s the daughter of a former

servant. You know how servants can be? Used to think of me as her

sister.

Mrs Higgins: Indeed.

Georgina: Eliza? What is all this? And these clothes? Who are you

tryin’ to fool?

Eliza: I know my place, and you should know yours.

Mrs Higgins: Too right. Well said Eliza.

Georgina: Oh, I see. Like this is it? One day you’re gunna have to

face yaself, Eliza. And all these manners and fine ways of speakin’

won’t mean a damn thing then. Not a thing, Eliza! Do ya think all

this makes you a better person? Is this what Higgins has done to

ya?

She moves away, back to the protest, staring back at Eliza. Just as she leaves, Freddy come

into the scene. He sees Eliza and quickly moves over.

44

Freddy: Oh, Eliza. It’s you. I was hoping that you would be here.

Pickering: This is getting more delicious by the minute, wouldn’t

you agree, Higgins?

Higgins: Overwhelming.

Eliza: What can I do for you, Freddy?

Freddy: Tell me that you accept my offer. Promise me that you’ll be

mine. Forever.

Eliza: Freddy?

Higgins: Freddy!

Mrs Higgins: Freddy Lane? Yes. From a good, but poor, family.

Terrible thing when the upper classes are reduced to poverty.

Terrible thing.

Freddy: Yes. Terrible.

Mrs Higgins: And what, may I ask, is your interest in Miss Eliza?

Freddy: I have proposed marriage to her.

Mrs Higgins: (Just about choking) Marriage? To this delightful

creature? Really, Freddy. There are plenty of aspiring middle

class young women who would be a more suitable match, given your

current circumstances.

Freddy: And you agree with this, Eliza?

Eliza: Why, of course.

Higgins: You, sir, have received an answer in the negative. You may

leave. (He leaves, looking back fondly at Eliza, who is troubled by all this talk) This

is for the best, wouldn’t you say, Pickering?

Pickering: Yes, I suppose it is for the best. But whose best?

Higgins: Stop being so ponderous, take my arm, and we shall witness

the horses at play again.

45

They exit and the narrators reenter. They begin to set up the split scenes on stage.

Beth: A Judas! Judas, I say. Three times. She betrayed her father,

sister and the only man that truly loved her.

Sarah: You always see through such idealist glasses. Forget the

romance and think about the practicalities. She had to keep her

poise here. If she had let down her guard for one minute all would

have been lost. She wants to be a lady. There is a cost.

Beth: The cost is too high. As I think her sister is about to tell

her.

Sarah: That woman would say anything to push her cause. Not that I

minded the cause, mind you.

Scene 12: Advice from big sister

Georgina is back in the red light district. She sits on the street corner and takes out a letter.

She begins to read it aloud. At the same time, Eliza is sitting in the kitchen reading the

same letter. During the scene the actions stitches between the two scenes like two time

frames.

Georgina: Eliza, I am your big sister but I hardly feel I know you

anymore. You have always gone your own way, and I have admired that

about you. But why? Why? Why have you gone into the household of

that man. You don't need to be made you into something that you're

not. You don't need his language. You are becoming just as much a

captive as he is.

46

Eliza: The day is coming, Eliza, when we all will be free from the

shackles of class and gender, and what we are, who we are, won't be

based on the circumstances of our birth. You shamed your family

Eliza—shamed us by your denial at the races. However embarrassed

you are about your father, he is still your father, as I am your

sister.

Georgina: Language is like that. It can make you its slave. And

Freddy? Poor Freddy. He was humiliated by that stupid mother of

Higgins. Can he change his circumstances? He is an innocent, Eliza,

and they are rare these days. You had more dignity on the streets

selling flowers. At least you were Eliza, not some creation of the

puppet master.

Eliza: I still love you. Georgie. (She folds the letter) I still love you

too, Georgie.

Georgina places the letter in an envelope. She looks at it for a long time and seals it.

Blackout.

Scene 13: The final test. The ambassador’s ball

As the lights come up, we are at the ambassador’s ball. A Strauss waltz is playing and

everyone is dancing, including Eliza. All the young men want to dance with Eliza. Higgins,

his mother and Pickering gather around Eliza.

Pickering: You are quite the lady, Eliza. You danced beautifully.

Eliza: Thank you.

Higgins: Duchess, actually, Mrs Pickering.

Mrs Higgins: Well, I think she is the most graceful creature that

ever dusted this floor.

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They all laugh and the ambassador, played by one of the narrators, comes over.

Countess Elise Von Heigenburg: And who is this lovely young woman.

She dances divinely.

Higgins: It is Eliza Doolittle, Madame Ambassador.

Countess Elise Von Heigenburg: She can speak for herself, Professor

Higgins. Women will soon get the vote if Mrs Pankhurst gets her

way.

Pickering: My sentiments exactly, madame.

Eliza: Thank you for your kind and generous comments, madame. It is

a great pleasure to be at this fine ball and in the presence of so

distinguished a company. Do you think that our two great countries,

Britain and Germany, shall ever be involved in a war? There are

rumours of growing tensions.

Countess Elise Von Heigenburg: Heavens no, my dear. Our men would

never be so stupid. Then again, if women were our leaders? Well, I

must leave you now. Duty awaits. It has been a pleasure. Take care

of her, Higgins. She does become you.

Maria Swienhearte, Higgins great rival in phonetics comes towards them, played by

another narrator.

Higgins: Well now, it is a great pleasure to see you, Maria

Sweinhearte. How is your…research?

Maria Swienhearte: Been in France examining regional differences in

French dialects. And I’m still the only women to ever outdo you,

Higgins. Made you realise that phonology is not just for men.

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Higgins: Match me, yes. Outdo me, no.

Maria Swienhearte: Still full of your self importance, Ernest.

Nothing’s changes. And this young lady?

Higgins: A dear cousin of my friend here, Pickering. I think you

have met Pickering?

Maria Swienhearte: Indeed. And what interest do you have in

Professor Higgins?

Eliza: He is a man of stupendous learning and rare intellect. I

came to learn from him.

Maria Swienhearte: Oh yes. You didn’t tell me about this one,

Higgins.

Higgins: One of my great successes, Maria.

Maria Swienhearte: Really. And what have you learnt from Professor

Higgins?

Eliza: About the power of language. I have learnt about the ability

of speech to change the way that we are regarded by others.

Language makes us what we are.

Maria Swienhearte: I see. (There is a delay as she thinks) Higgins, you sly

dog. I’m onto you. You thought you could fool me but I’ve outwitted

you again.

Pickering: Really? This is awfully good.

Higgins: Do tell.

Maria Swienhearte: No one but me could detect it. Your training is

so obvious. Like marks in a book, links rings in the trunk of a

tree.

Pickering: Do go on, Maria. I want to hear this. As they say, third

time lucky.

Maria Swienhearte: She is no one’s cousin.

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Pickering: Yes, yes, this is good.

Maria Swienhearte: She is really a duchess.

Pickering: What?

Eliza: Professor Higgins?

Maria Swienhearte: A woman of noble breeding from the region of

Bovaria. Her English is just too good for an English woman. Her

vowel sounds are next to perfection. It is all so clear. Remarkable

though, Higgins. You could have fooled nobody but me.

Higgins: Indeed remarkable. Isn’t that so, Pickering.

Pickering: Why…yes. Yes.

Mrs Higgins: Ernest, you lied to me.

Maria Swienhearte: He is a great liar, my dear. You need to watch

him in that regard. It’s a characteristic of genius and his

greatest flaw. We shall have to catch up so you can tell me about

your pygmalion.

Higgins: Indeed we will.

Just at this moment Patrick Doolittle with Georgina enter the room, with all eyes moving

towards them. Doolittle goes over to the ambassador and kisses her on both cheeks. Then

she greets various other guests with Georgina before coming over to where Higgins is

standing. Eliza stares at her in astonishment, unable to speak at first.

Doolittle: Well…well…well…well. Seems like I came to the right

place.

Georgina: This is certainly a lovely place, father.

Higgins: What are you doing here? There are no horse droppings her,

Mr Doolittle.

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Doolittle: I was invited by her ladyship, the ambassador.

Higgins: Is this another one of your tall stories, Doolittle?

Eliza: Father? Georgina? Why are you here? You are spoiling my

moment.

Mrs Higgins: Father? What's going on here, Earnest?

Higgins: I demand an explanation.

Doolittle: Demand? No one demands anything of me any longa, 'cept

the Queen herself, bless her soul. Luck’s a lady, as they say. And

as luck would have it, I have come into a fortune. 5000 quid a year

they say. 5000 bleedin' pounds. Seems my great aunty, a duchess I

might add, died and I was the only living relative, apart from my

good Eliza and Georgina here. I even get her title. The Duke of

Coventry. How’s that for a twist in the dog’s tale, Higgins. Let me

introduce Duchess Georgina Doolittle.

Georgina bows low.

Eliza: You mean I actually am a duchess?

Everyone stares at Eliza in surprise. Blackout. The stage clears and the narrators reappear.

Beth: Beautiful twist. Full of irony.

Sarah: The duchess who wasn’t a duchess becomes a duchess.

Beautiful. Elegant, but too neat. It's so easy to have the default

of becoming the class that you once despised. Rather have preferred

them to remain poor. Who wrote this script?

Beth: One thing I don't understand, Sarah? What’s a ‘pygmalion’?

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Sarah: Oh, it’s from Greek mythology. All about a sculptor who fell

in love with his statue. The ancient Greeks were a little weird

like that.

Beth: But Higgins hasn’t fallen in love with Eliza.

Sarah: Of course not. He’s fallen in love with his creation, his

success. With himself, actually.

Beth: But what about Pickering. Isn't she in love with him?

Sarah: Of course she is, but how can he recognise that when he's

already in love?

Beth: So, he's won the bet?

Sarah: Seems so. Let’s see how gracious he is in victory.

Scene 14: The bet is won and Eliza leaves

We are back in Higgin’s study. Pickering is with him, as is Mrs Baddington, who is serving

tea. As the lights come up we see the two of them discussing his victory. Eliza goes to enter

but stops, listening to their conversation.

Mrs Baddington: Eliza a duchess! Not only was she made one, she was

one.

Pickering: Yes, we know, Mrs Baddington. Well, you won my dear

Higgins. A handsome victory. You've proved your point.

Higgins: Yes. I have enjoyed both my success and the fact of

Eliza’s new situation is of no importance to me. I have done what I

said I would do.

Pickering: I agree. A triumph. You have done what you said you

would do and more. (She opens her bag and takes out the money) So, here is

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your 50 pounds. You made her a duchess, even though she already was

one. Enjoy it. Forget about Eliza. She was nothing but a mannequin,

anyway.

Higgins: It’s not quite like that.

Eliza now enters the room fully.

Eliza: Yes it is. I understand. I understand what you were doing

now. A cheap bet. A cheap trick. I was just a specimen for you. A

talking point at one of your dinner parties.

Higgins: Eliza, let me....

Mrs Baddington: My lady, I really think that...

Eliza: I was, wasn’t I? Answer me. Answer me!

Higgins: Well...yes.

Eliza: Thank you.

Just at this moment, Freddy enters but waits to be invited in.

Mrs Baddington: Come on in Freddy. Eliza is expecting you.

Higgins: Welcome, Freddy.

Eliza: Are you ready?

Freddy: Ready for what, Eliza?

Eliza: Ready to start our lives.

Lights dim. The narrators enter.

Beth: They say time heals all wounds.

Sarah: Who's spun you that line.

Beth: Well, we do have a passage of time.

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Sarah: Yes, Queen Victoria is dead and the world is moving towards

war.

Beth: And Eliza has her dress shop.

Sarah: Now let's keep everything in perspective.

Scene 15: Eliza. The new woman. Higgins. The new man.

Eliza is working sewing a dress. Behind her a sign says, “Doolittle’s Dress Shop”. Sitting with

her is Georgina.

Georgina: Father was so happy that you accepted his little gift,

even if you didn't want your title.

Eliza: It enabled me to get this dream. And to pay for the wedding.

Georgina: Well, Freddy couldn't pay, could he?

They both laugh, followed by a long silence.

Georgina: I've never spoken to you about that letter. Never had the

courage.

Eliza: Georgie, you were right about my appalling behaviour at

Ascot. But you were wrong about Higgins. Despite himself, he has

given me a gift.

Georgina: But you didn't need his language. It's oppression, Eliza.

Eliza: Maybe. But the gift he gave me is to believe that I have the

power within me to create my future. Isn't that what all women

need?

Georgina: Can't disagree with you there. Anyway, we are forming a

new women's union. You might even join. We are going to force our

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male parliamentarians to change their minds about the vote. My

title comes in very handy when it comes to mixing in the elite

circles. Looks like father's goin' to get that seat. In the House

of Lords, no less. Would you believe it? He'd betta back me if he

knows what's good for 'im.

Higgins comes into her dress shop with Pickering.

Eliza: May I help you...sir.

Higgins: It’s Ernest, Eliza. And you know Mrs Pickering. She is

soon to become Mrs Higgins. Miss Georgina. (He moves over to her) The

years have treated you kindly, Eliza.

Eliza: And you...Ernest.

Freddy enters with papers in his hands.

Freddy: Your father sent some more money, and we received another

order…Eliza. (Seeing Higgins) It’s you.

Mrs Pickering: We thought we’d drop in and see how…

Eliza: Countess Elise Von Heigenburg, the former German ambassador,

has sent me an order from Munich. She’s impressed with my work.

International orders now. I’m thinking about opening another shop

in Kensington. A duchess that's joined the middle classes. The

world is certainly changing, Ernest.

Higgins: I never thought of you as a mannequin or a specimen,

Eliza. I just wanted to tell you that.

Pickering: Thank you, Eliza. I'm coming to one of your marches,

Georgina.

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Georgina: Love to have you.

Higgins and Pickering begin to leave.

Eliza: Ernest? Good’ay to ya governor.

Blackout

Scene 16: Perspectives

As a single light is on stage, each of the major characters comes forward to give a brief

single statement. After each finishes they stand looking ahead, contemplating the future.

Higgins: I'm still convinced that language is the most powerful

tool of man (or should I say woman).

Eliza: I changed but I didn't change. I became someone but was that

someone me?

Georgina: A lady and a duchess no less. Strange and funny. Powerful

now but feeling powerless.

Freddy: They call me an innocent but that's only because I trust

only what I feel.

Mrs Baddington: I have seen such transformations. The world is

changing and I might well be redundant.

Doolittle: Drunk, dustman, street sweeper, politician and

philosopher. But no middle class morality for me.

Pickering: I am a woman of two worlds: one slowly fading, the other

just dawning.

The characters remain frozen on stage and the narrator enter.

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Epilogue

Beth: Guess that's it. Eliza's story in a nutshell. Flower girl to

duchess, duchess to dress shop owner. A self-made woman. And she

married dear Freddy.

Sarah: Better than staying with Higgins. She made her own choices.

She was lucky. Others are not. Come on, time to pack up.

Beth: Wait. I have one last question for you?

Sarah: You always have one last question. It's part of your babble.

Okay, out with it.

Beth: What would have happened to Eliza if she hadn't met Higgins?

Sarah: Now, that is a question only the audience can answer.

Blackout.

Bows.

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