Promoting Promoting resilience in resilience in children children Muriel MacKenzie Educational Psychologist
Jan 12, 2016
Promoting resilience in Promoting resilience in childrenchildren
Muriel MacKenzie
Educational Psychologist
What is resilience?
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity
Bouncing back means that people can carry on and even flourish after a set back
Parents can help children develop resilience
Why can it be hard for children to bounce back after a set back?
1. Over protection of children
Not allowing children to take appropriate risks
Feeling they need constant protection Thinking that they cannot handle
responsibility
2. Ignoring the importance of bad feelings
People think that bad feelings don’t have a purpose
They think that feelings such as shame, guilt and frustration are only negative
But, bad feelings do have a purpose – they galvanise us to do something different
3. Spotlight on the individual?
As a society are we focussing too much on the individual and how they feel?
Might this encourage young people to see themselves as the centre of the world?
Does this then lead to them blowing out of proportion any setbacks or challenges in life?
4. Black and white thinking?
Our culture views people as fixed entities, which are unchangeable, e.g. good / bad; smart / not smart
This type of thinking exaggerates the significance of failure and difficulties
5. Entitlement?
I want it now! Our society makes people feel entitled Celebrity culture encourages children to
think that success should be instant This makes children think that effort and
hard work are not important This can undermine resilience
6. The need to be perfect
Mass media encourages us to believe that we need to be perfect – to have the perfect job, perfect family, perfect house
This can make us feel inadequate and can exaggerate inevitable problems or difficulties
We are encouraged to compare themselves with the rich and famous
All of these factors undermine young people’s ability to bounce
back
What can parents do to promote resilience in children?
1. Hold high expectations
Young people are capable We need to challenge them Expect them to reach their goals Be confident – people reach goals at
different points, but most get there in the end
2. Focus away from the self
Don’t make your child feel they are the centre of the universe
This undermines their wellbeing as it makes them exaggerate every minor incident
Encourage them to reach out, be kind and help other children
3. People are not born smart
Intelligence is not something that is fixed Intelligence develops over time with
learning and practice in skills Encourage your child to see intelligence
and ability as something they have to work at
4. Failure often leads to success
Encourage children to view failure in a different way
Failure is a learning opportunity Talk about failures you have overcome –
you are a role model
5. Normalise, don’t personalise
After a negative experience children often think that this type of thing only happens to them
Encourage children to view these setbacks as normal – everybody experiences them
Help them not to think that this is something which reflects badly on them
6. Bad feelings are normal
It is part of being human to experience negative emotions
Bad feelings are normal Learning anything worthwhile requires
frustration at times
7. Bad feelings don’t last
When children experience negative experiences they may think that they will always feel that way
We know from research that bad feelings don’t last
Remember to remind young people that these feelings will pass
8. Don’t worry or overprotect
Life is full of ups and downs If you try and protect children from them
they will not cope when they meet setbacks and will not be able to assess risks
Allow young people to make mistakes Overprotection can make children more
anxious and vulnerable
9. Perfection doesn’t exist
Everyone has flaws, even the most accomplished people
There is no standard for perfection It is more important for children to try to
do their best, rather than be the best
11. Encourage an optimistic thinking style
Optimism is about how you think about causes for events – ‘explanatory style’
Encourage children not to see bad events as lasting for ever (permanent)
Encourage them not to see them as affecting every area of their life (global)
Encourage them not see them as reflecting badly on them (internal)
The way we THINK influences how we FEEL and BEHAVE
10. Teach children skills
Children have an inbuilt need to learn Help them learn life skills, e.g. reading,
organising themselves, making friends, learning to ride a bike
Help them learn problem solving skills, e.g. 6 step problem solving plan / coping step plan
6 step problem solving
1. What is the problem?
2. What could I do? (encourage lots of ideas)
3. List what might happen for each idea
4. Pick the best solution
5. Do it!
6. Did it work?
Coping step plan
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 5
Step 6: GOAL
2. Writes a speech and reads it in front of mirror
Coping step plan for having to do a talk to
the class
1. Read a short story to mother / father
3. Presents speech to mother / father
4. Presents speech to the entire family
5. Presents speech to a friend
6. Presents speech to close group of friends
7. Presents speech in front of class
Step
Step
And finally…
Don’t forget the importance of strong family support
Friendships Social skills Sense of belonging in school
Useful resources
Martin Seligman The Optimistic Child
www.centreforconfidence.co.uk