Preparing for a Difficult Conversation Producer Program Business Training
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Preparing for a Difficult Conversation
Producer Program Business Training
Claudia Kenny: Farmer & Communication Consultant
Introduction
•Q&A feature to type questions
•Raise your hand feature for speaking and answering questions!
Webinar Logistics
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Preparing for a Difficult Conversation
Ever go into a difficult conversation thinking you had a good plan for managing the situation and then 2 minutes
in just totally lose you cool, freeze up or storm off?
Neuro-Science
When we are “triggered” or in a state of fight, flight or freeze neural circuitry to prefrontal cortex which rules logic and reasoning shuts down.
When we are stressed we struggle to:
•Recall data from memory
•To analyze and reason
•To make decisions
Our attention becomes riveted on the potential threat
We become hyper aware to what is going on in our surroundings
Our Capacity is limited!
Perceptions become narrowed
We lose the background context of the situation
Cognitive “tunnel vision”
• To see interconnectedness or interrelationships between bodies of information
• To integrate information
Limited Capacity
We plan less and revert to automatic reactions.
Under stress people tend to do what they know best rather than what would be best.
Learning new information is difficult
Brain Scientists have made some discoveries
Includes the hippocampus and amygdala: This is located deep in the brain but is the GATEWAY for everything that is coming in.
Both sensations from the inner world and perceptions from the outer world enter the Brain through the limbic system.
Thumb= LIMBIC SYSTEM
Brain Scientists have made some discoveries
The AMYGDALA is the star of the emotional BRAIN and sorts present day experience to identify similarities to difficult or dangerous situations from the past and sounds the alarm when it finds a match.
The AMYGDALA is asking AM I SAFE? DO I MATTER?
• Includes self regulation, decision making, planning, abstract thoughts, and problem solving
• Pre Frontal Cortex can support and regulate the
AMYGDALA.
• When the PRE FRONAL CORTEX is able to support the
amygdala people are able to respond to their own fears,
irritations, worries with flexibility, care and
responsiveness- having the ability to manage powerful
emotions and maintain focus and attention.
Prefrontal Cortex
Brain Scientists have made some discoveries
Remember that initial question about losing it?
If we can identify when we are in the physiological state of fight-flight-freeze (when we have flipped our lids) we can begin to change our physiology to learn to manage our response
Self awareness is the first step!
1. naming emotions and physical sensations
2. re-framing thinking about the situation in a different way
3. the presence of a person whom we feel cares about us (accompaniment)
4. thinking about something else (distraction)
4 Things
FIGHT, Flight & FREEZE
Physiological Signs of Trigger
I might notice
I raise my voice
My tone changes
My muscles tense
What do we notice?
I want to argue
I find myself judging or blaming
I DEFEND MY POSITION
Sometimes educating or explaining can show up here too!
FIGHT
FLIGHT
I want to escape.
(scroll through social media, watch tv, eat, change the subject, make a joke)
I storm off.
“Never mind I will just do it myself!”
FREEZE
• Brain freeze
• “deer in the headlights”
• Panic
• Numbing out
• Zoning out
Exercise: John Is late again!
handout: 4 quadrants
John a coworker agrees to meet with you at 2 o clock to work on a project. By 2:30 he has not arrived or called.
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EXERCISE
Exercise
Situation/ Data/ Observations
Feelings Evaluations, Interpretations,
Thoughts & Opinions
• observation= a concrete verifiable fact that provides a description we all agree on
• when the words always, never, ever and whenever, frequently and sometimes are get used as exaggerations observations and evaluations are being mixed
Observations vs. Evaluations/Judgements
Take a few minutes and write down some of the feelings you might be having if this were your situation.
Notice any thoughts that come up write them in the
thought category.
Preparing for a Difficult Conversation
Needs are universal
Needs are the resources required to sustain or enrich life
Needs make no reference to a particular person doing a particular thing nor to a location, action, time or object. (PLATO)
NEEDS
Emerging-a subtle shift to slight discomfort.
URGENT- “ahhh”
Satisfying- in between urgent and fulfilled
FULFILLED- “need met”
The “Need” Cycle
Faux Feelings/ or non feelings linguistically disguised as feelings
In interpersonal communication a non feeling (a thought, evaluation, judgment or criticism) will most likely create separation or cause resistance. when you say: I feel….. followed by: like, that, it, as if, you, I, she, he they….
you are usually expressing: thoughts, evaluations, judgments or criticism group exercise: translating faux feelings
Faux Feelings: When I statements are about you.
Identify a conflict you are currently involved in
Use the worksheet to diagnose this conflict from your perspective
–Data, beliefs, feelings, needs –skip solutions!
Analyze Your Conflict
Processing and Preparing for Self
Data/Observations Evaluations, Judgements, Thoughts & Opinions
Emotions Values/Needs
Guessing Feelings & Needs
• Every feeling is new in each moment, even if we have the same name for that feeling. Feelings are constantly in flux in self and others
• We can never fully understand what another person is experiencing
• The act of guessing what another person is feeling and what needs might be connected to those feelings creates more empathic connection that thinking we know or understand.
• Guessing how someone feels or silently guessing how a person feels without assuming you know is likely to be perceived as more connecting.
• Guessing another person’s needs (or silently guessing) without assuming you know is likely to be perceived as more connecting.
Processing and Preparing for Other
Data/Observations Evaluations, Judgements, Thoughts & Opinions
Emotions Values/Needs
• Any insights gained?
• Did anyone struggle with the other side?
DEBREIF
1. naming emotions and physical sensations
2. re-framing thinking about the situation in a different way
3. the presence of a person whom we feel cares about us (accompaniment)
1. thinking about something else (distraction)
Remember the 4 Things
Preparing for a Difficult Conversation
When hearts connect solutions emerge!
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