健康家庭必須的 基本心理概念 葉顏瑋茵 廿一世紀家庭的生活質素一般都比上一代富裕,可是 所面對的壓力並不見得少。今天的夫妻各自都要在工作 和養育孩子的重擔中力求平衡。在經營家庭幸福時,了 解一些基本的心理概念,有助於父母有效地培養健康的 下一代,並建立親密的家庭關係。當我回想多年輔導夫 妻和家庭,並在社區演講和培訓時,深感需要提供華人 家長三項心理秘訣,以減少許多不必要的痛苦,使家人 活得更幸福。 1. 「個人自主」需要得到滿足 自從神造人以來,神就賦予人自由意志。個人自主乃 是基本的心理訴求,事實上孩子從兩歲開始就明顯地爭 取「自主」。不少兩歲的小孩很喜歡自己餵食。這階段 的孩子正反覆地練習個人身體協調、思想自主和支配內 外的能力。如果父母親因怕孩子吃不飽,或是受不了家 裏被弄得髒亂,就硬要餵孩子吃東西,這樣孩子就被迫 壓抑自已的感受、獨立判斷和自主的傾向,反而被塑造 成更依賴父母。 一位在眼鏡店工作的女孩對我說:「現今二、三十歲 的女生很難找到懂得照顧別人的好男人當老公,不少三 十出頭的男人還是一個小男生的心態!」在店裡,她經 常看到三四十歲的「男孩 子」帶著媽媽來配自己用 的眼鏡,眼鏡由媽媽挑, 錢由媽媽來付。她心想, 若跟這樣依賴的男人結 婚,生活會是怎樣呢? Newsletter October 2009 Three Essential Concepts of Wise Parenting Agnes Ip The living standard of the twenty-first century is one of more affluence than previous generations but it is also one of more pressure than ever before. Now that both parents commonly work outside the home, they find it a struggle to balance between working and raising children. Based on my experience with counseling couples and families and in training and giving workshops, I find it is necessary for all parents to know and understand three basic psychological concepts. These concepts will help parents raise healthy children, avoid unnecessary pain, and build a happy, close-knit family. 1. The Need for Autonomy has to be Satisfied From the beginning, God created man with free will, thus every person has an inherent need to pursue autonomy. We can see this in children starting at two years of age. They begin to fight for autonomy by insisting on feeding themselves. This is their way of practicing coordination, individual thinking, and exerting control on their inward and outward environment. However, some parents refuse to give up control. They are afraid that if their children feed themselves, they will be undernourished or make a mess of the house. When parents insist on feeding their children, it causes the children to suppress their feelings, their desire to use their own judgment and to become autonomous. Inadvertently, the parents are encouraging their children to become more and more dependent on them. A girl at an optical store once told me, “It is difficult for a woman in her late twenties and thirties to find a husband who knows how to take care of them. Many thirty–year-old men still have the mindset of a little boy.” She has observed “little boys” at their thirties or forties coming into the store with their mothers, allowing their mothers to choose the frames and pay for their eyeglasses. She just cannot imagine what life would be like married to such a dependent man. P resence MINISTRY
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健康家庭必須的
基本心理概念葉顏瑋茵
廿一世紀家庭的生活質素一般都比上一代富裕,可是
所面對的壓力並不見得少。今天的夫妻各自都要在工作
和養育孩子的重擔中力求平衡。在經營家庭幸福時,了
解一些基本的心理概念,有助於父母有效地培養健康的
下一代,並建立親密的家庭關係。當我回想多年輔導夫
妻和家庭,並在社區演講和培訓時,深感需要提供華人
家長三項心理秘訣,以減少許多不必要的痛苦,使家人
活得更幸福。
1.「個人自主」需要得到滿足
自從神造人以來,神就賦予人自由意志。個人自主乃
是基本的心理訴求,事實上孩子從兩歲開始就明顯地爭
取「自主」。不少兩歲的小孩很喜歡自己餵食。這階段
的孩子正反覆地練習個人身體協調、思想自主和支配內
外的能力。如果父母親因怕孩子吃不飽,或是受不了家
裏被弄得髒亂,就硬要餵孩子吃東西,這樣孩子就被迫
壓抑自已的感受、獨立判斷和自主的傾向,反而被塑造
成更依賴父母。
一位在眼鏡店工作的女孩對我說:「現今二、三十歲
的女生很難找到懂得照顧別人的好男人當老公,不少三
十出頭的男人還是一個小男生的心態!」在店裡,她經
常 看 到 三 四 十 歲 的 「 男 孩
子 」 帶 著 媽 媽 來 配 自 己 用
的眼鏡,眼鏡由媽媽挑,
錢由媽媽來付。她心想,
若 跟 這 樣 依 賴 的 男 人 結
婚,生活會是怎樣呢?
NewsletterOctober 2009
Three Essential Concepts of
Wise ParentingAgnes Ip
The living standard of the twenty-first century is one of moreaffluencethanpreviousgenerationsbutitisalsooneofmorepressurethaneverbefore.Nowthatbothparentscommonlyworkoutsidethehome,theyfinditastruggletobalancebetweenworkingandraisingchildren.
1. The Need for Autonomy has to be Satisfied Fromthebeginning,Godcreatedmanwithfreewill,thuseverypersonhasaninherentneedtopursueautonomy.Wecanseethisinchildrenstartingattwoyearsofage.Theybegintofightforautonomyby insistingon feeding themselves. This is theirwayofpracticingcoordination,individualthinking,andexertingcontrolontheirinwardandoutwardenvironment.However,someparentsrefusetogiveupcontrol.Theyareafraid that if their children feed themselves, theywillbeundernourishedormakeamessofthehouse.Whenparentsinsist on feeding their children, it causes the children to suppresstheirfeelings,theirdesiretousetheirownjudgmentandtobecomeautonomous.Inadvertently,theparentsareencouragingtheirchildrentobecomemoreandmoredependentonthem.
A girl at an optical store once told me, “It is difficult for a woman in her late twenties and thirties to find a husband who knows how to take care of them. Many thirty–year-old men still have the mindset of a little boy.” She has observed “little boys” at their thirties or forties coming into the store with their mothers, allowing their mothers to choose the frames and pay for their eyeglasses. She just cannot imagine what life would be like married to such a dependent man.
InhisbookChildhood and Society,socialpsychologistErikEriksonidentifieseightstagesofdevelopment.Athirty-year-oldmanenteringmiddleageshouldbeworkingasaproductivememberofthesocietywith the ability to raise a family. However, if an individual has notresolvedthepsychologicalissuesoftheearlierstageofdevelopment,hewill remain in theadolescentstageofeitherpursuing intimacyoravoiding relationships altogether. Hence, many “adult children” whohavebeenshelteredbytheirfamilyandhavenotgainedindependenceare confused with who they are. They do not understand God’sexpectationsforthemtomatureandbecomeindependent.
Aschildrenbecomeadolescents,theyhaveaneedtoaffirmtheirself-worth. And as adolescents preparing for adulthood, they needopportunitiestopracticebecomingindependent.If a child is kept from exercising his autonomy between the ages of two to twelve, it is likely that he will become rebellious in adolescence. Theparentswillbeshockedtofindtheironceobedientchildwithasuddenchangeinpersonality.However,intheirefforttogainbackthatcompliantchild,they continue to ignore the basic need in their child’s psychologicaldevelopment for autonomy. The child becomes emotionally distantfrom his parents because of long-term suppression of his need forindependence. Some children may not openly rebel against theirparentsbutdeepinsidetheyarefullofresentmentwhichwilleventuallyturnintoangeranddepression.
Inmymanyyearsofcounseling, Ioftenencounteredparentsofolder children who did not understand why their dependent childrenare soangrywith themafterall theyhavesacrificed for them.Evensuccessfuladultchildrenoftencastblameontheirparentsfortheirowndifficulties.
If a young adult has not learned to be independent, it will leadtogreatercrisis in theirmiddle-ageyears. Theypursue theirheart’sdesiresatallcostsinordertocompensatefortheirpsychologicalneeds.Weoftenhearofmiddle-agedmenwhosuddenlyquittheirjob,leavetheirfamiliesorbuyafancyredsportscar.Thesearesomeexamplesofmid-lifecrisis.
2. The Ability to Self-regulate Emotions A few months ago, in California, a college student with good grades took her own life. The reason was merely due to missing a mid-term exam when she overslept. She could not bear the thought of a lower grade point average so she killed herself in desperation. Why do young people think that their grades are more important than their own lives?
Many parents have superficial values and fail to understandtheirchildren’s innerworld. Theystress the importanceofacademicsuccess, and evaluate their children according to their grade pointaverage.Whentheirchildrenbringhomegoodgrades,theyaregivenmaterial rewardsaswell asahigher statusamong familymembers.Thechildren,however,sensenogenuineloveandunderstandingfromtheirparents.
Additionally, children from affluent families do not recognize thelaborandsacrificesoftheparents.Thesefamiliesfallintothetrapofquidproquo,asuperficialwayofrelatingwithfamilymembers.Some
表面和交易式的互動狀態。子女不是拿好
成績來作為與父母交易的籌碼,就是以卓
越的成績來確保自己在父母心中和別人眼
中的價值。芸芸學生中,不難找到成績十
分優異,心靈卻萬分空虛的例子。當中就
有以吸毒、酗酒、性濫交和自殘的發洩行
為,來填補心靈的空虛。
另一方面,家長不想寵壞孩子,必須
教導他們尊重自已和別人的界線,並且學
會對事情負責任。可是常常以批評和責備
的方式來教訓兒女,或利用孩子的羞恥心來激發子女上
進,只會帶來長期負面的影響。當個人自尊受到重大打擊
時,自我保衛及自我懷疑就是必然的惡果。孩子為了避免
受罰和羞辱,大多會努力滿足父母要求,內心卻滿了恐懼
與焦慮。當孩子累積的負面情緒未獲得正面的疏導,他們
的情緒會起伏不定,這會造成嚴重的兩種極端-貶低自己
的能力,放棄上進學習,或高傲自居,以攻擊踐踏別人來
平衡自己內心的不安。表面看來是品格操守問題,背後卻
大多為自我價值不足的表徵。這就是以懲罰和負面教育手
段所帶來的後遺症。
每人都有責任管理自已的情緒,懂得如何在失望、悲
傷和憤怒的情況下面對自己。在成長過程中,父母給兒女
恰當的空間,有助於他們學會控制和調節負面情緒,這是
父母培育子女不可或缺的一環。可惜,不少家長壓抑子女
負面情緒的表達,或者是轉移注意力來避免直接面對。例
如當孩子跌倒,爺爺奶奶擊打地板來轉移孫兒的痛楚,或
是父母責備傭人、兄姐、小狗,甚至責怪自已照顧不周。
可是長輩在運用轉移法時,同時也把焦點和責任從孩子身
上轉移到外界。孩子學會把責任推到別人或其他事物的身
上,來減輕自已的痛楚,反而失去機會,學習調節自我的
情緒。
還記得我兒子小的時候,有一天我女兒的好朋友來
了,兩位小女生不想跟他玩。他感到被排斥,既氣憤又傷
心,哭個不停。這時,爸爸特意帶他出外走一趟,回家後
他的心情就好多了。
這說明並非所有的轉移法都是不可取的。重要的是,
不要讓孩子認定自己就是「受害者」。不論誰對誰錯,家
人必須學習接納每個人都會有負面的情緒,不可單方面勉
強別人遷就自己。當然在不傷害自己、別人和破壞物件的
前提下,每個孩子都應該被鼓勵,有充足的空間來平息情
緒和表達自已負面的感受。若孩子平息不了自已,家長就
必須先以溫柔的方法幫助孩子平息下來,而不是開口就教
訓。父母對子女內心感受的接納和體諒,就是兒女生命中
最大的安慰劑。這一份從父母身上得到的溫柔和注意力,
就是兒女成長中愛的動力,當他們負責任學習好管理自己
childrenmanipulatetheirparentstogivethemwhattheywantbyearninggoodgrades.Others work for success to make sure they are valued in the eyes of their parents. It isnotunusual to findstudentswithacademicsuccess,yetfeelingemptyinside.Someeventurntodrugs,alcohol,sexandself-mutilationtofillthevoid.
Yet parents do not affirm their children for fear of spoiling them.Theyapplycriticismandguiltandsomeevenuseshametogoadthemtodowellinschool.Theirintentionistoteachchildrentorespectothersandbecomeresponsible.However,suchmethodsattacktheirchildren’sself-esteem,resultinginlong-termnegativeconsequences.Intryingtosatisfytheirparents’expectationstoavoidpunishmentandshame,thechildrenbegin toprotect themselves,doubt theirown judgments,andbecome fearful and anxious. If the children cannot properly channelthesenegativeemotions,theywillbeonanemotionalrollercoaster.
Therearetwoemotionalextremes.Some children will devalue their own abilities and give up trying to please their parents. Others will be arrogant and ruthlessly strive for success in order to repress their own pain.Manypersonalityproblemsareinfactcausedbylowself-esteemresultingfromparentalpunishmentandnegativeteachingmethods.
Everypersonhas the responsibilityofhandlinghisownnegativeemotionsofhopelessness,sadness,oranger.Childrenlearntodothiswhile growing up if their parents help them control and channel theirfeelings.However,manyparentsdonotallowtheirchildrentoexpressnegative emotions or deliberately distract them from dealing withthem.Forexample,whenachild fallsdown,hisgrandparentshit thegroundinsteadofacknowledginghispain.Someparentswillblamethebabysitter,brothersandsisters,thedogorthemselvesfornotprotectingthechild.Theyshiftthefocusfromthechild’sresponsibilitytoregulatehispaintoanexternalforcethatcausedthepain.Childrenwilllearntoblameothersoroutsidecircumstancesratherthantakingresponsibilitytodealwiththeirpain.Theymissedanimportantopportunitytolearnhowtomanageandchanneltheirownemotions.
There are occasions when distractions are appropriate. When my son was young, my daughter’s best friend would come to our home to play. When the two girls refuse to include him, he felt rejected and so angry that he would not stop crying. Finally his father took him out for a walk, and he felt much better when he came back home.
The best comfort for children when they are hurt is their parents’ acceptance and understanding. Their self-esteem and their ability to control their own emotions will mature faster with support from their parents.Later,whentheyfacedifficultiestheywillnotblameothersoravoiddealingwiththeproblems.
的情緒,長大後在面對困難時,才不會總是埋怨別人,或
是逃避了事。
3. 個體分辨的能力
當李太太的兒子準備上大學時,她要求丈夫把原來住
的屋子賣掉,搬到學校附近住。那樣兒子就不需要住到學
校,她可以照樣每天為兒子燒飯,繼續地為他服務。可是
丈夫和兒子都不贊成她的想法。李太太不但感到十分懊
惱,更覺得自己再沒用處。每天當她想到自己已經老了,
丈夫不聽,兒子又不理,就抱頭大哭起來。
後來兒子上大學,就搬進了宿舍。李太太就開始生
病,要求兒子必須每天打電話給她,才能入睡。
家人之間互相的犧牲和愛護當然十分重要,可是從李
太太的個案中,我們也明白過度的黏結和依賴是不健康
的。每個成員都是有自由意志的個體,能有個體分辨的能
力也是健康家庭重要的因素。過去一代的媽媽就有不少像
李太太一樣,沒有自已的生活目標,把所有注意力都放在
小孩和丈夫身上,當孩子長大後即失去生活重心,變得十
分孤寂。
心理學家 Kerr 和 Bowen 指出成熟的人,其實就是個體
分辨能力比較高的人,他們更能夠自我肯定,不常以別人
的評價來自我定位,也很少向他人抱怨。清楚調節自我情
緒的責任在於個人本身,並不期待別人(特別是配偶)像
父母親照顧嬰兒般的保顧自已,需要自已。反過來說,個
體分辨能力偏低的人,特別需要家人(特別是配偶)聽從
自已的意見,或者強迫自已跟所愛的人有同樣的看法、同
樣的感受。他們通過這種緊密的黏合關係來証明自已是被
愛的、有價值的人。而且個體分辨的能力有別於自我中心
和自私,一個不自私又有個體分辨能力的人,他會發自內
心地為所愛的人犧性,並不要求回報。
此外,個體分辨能力偏低的人也特別怕失去親密的關
係,他們不斷地要求和親人有更深的親密度和一致的想
法,這往往變成對私人空間的剝削或獨立成長中的壓制。
如果他們與進入青春期或處於中年危機的家人互動時,更
容易產生一場不可避免的家庭衝突。
總結
聖經上說:「人要離開父母與妻子連合,二人成為一
體。」(創二:24),指出兒女需要長大成人、獨立成家。
神要夫妻結合,也對各種人倫關係發出命令:「又當存敬畏
基督的心,彼此順服 。」(弗5:21)。不論妻子與丈夫、兒
3. The Ability to Self-Differentiate Right before her son moved away for college, Mrs. Lee asked her husband to sell their home and move to the city close to her son. She wanted to continue cooking and caring for him. When both her husband and her son disagreed with her, Mrs. Lee felt very frustrated and useless at the same time. In her old age, her husband no longer listened to her and her son ignored her. These thoughts often made her weep. Soon after her son moved into his dorm, Mrs. Lee became ill. She would feel better and be able to sleep at night only if her son called her every day.
Whileitisimportantthatfamilymemberssacrificiallyloveandcareforeachother,inthecaseofMrs.Lee,wecanseeunhealthyover-attachment and dependence. In a healthy family, everymember functionsasan individualwith freewilland theability toself-differentiate. Differentiation of self refers to one’s ability toseparateintellectualandemotionalfunctioningfromthatofothers,suchasfamilymembers.ManymothersfromtheoldergenerationarelikeMrs.Leewhodoesnothavepersonalgoalsinlife.Alltheirattentions and emotions are focused on their husband and theirchildren.Whentheirchildrengrowup,theylosetheirpurposeinlifeandbecomeverylonely.
PsychologistsMichaelKerrandMurrayBowenexplainthatthose who are mature have a strong ability for self-differentiation. They have self-confidence and have little need for affirmation from others. They seldom complain and clearly accept the responsibility for managing their own emotions. Theyarenotdependentonothers(especiallytheirspouse)toneedthemandtakecareof them.Thisshouldnotbeconfusedwithself-centerednessandselfishness.Thosewithawelldifferentiatedselfhaveagenuinedesiretosacrificefortheirlovedoneswithoutexpectinganythinginreturn.
Those with low differentiation are more likely to require theirfamily (especially theirspouse) tocomplywith them. Or theywillpersuadethemselvestoconformtheiropinionsandfeelingstothoseof their lovedones. Through this intimateattachment, they try toprovetothemselvesthattheyarevaluableandworthyoftheloveofothers. Therefore theyareespeciallyafraidof losingpersonalrelationships.Theyconstantlynagtheirlovedonestoagreewiththemand tobemore intimatewith them.This in turn invades thepersonalspaceoftheirlovedonesandchokesoutthelovedones’ability tomature independently. Withoutawelldifferentiatedself,conflictseasilyariseparticularlywithfamilymemberswhoaregoingthroughadolescenceormid-lifecrisis.
The purpose of this presentation is to introduce the concept of“First-born-daughter (FBD) complex, a pseudo-borderline copingstyle.”ThisconstellationofcharacteristicsoftheFBDwasderivedfromChinesewomen.(FBDismostcommonlymanifestedinthepersonalitystructureof the first-born,but it isalso found inwomenofanybirth-orderwhowerebroughtupunderanalogousparentingdysfunctions.)Theywere indeepemotional turmoilwhile thisauthorwasprovidingpsychologicalservicestothem.Theseservicesgobeyondthescopeofpsychotherapy, includingpsychiatricemergencies,acute in-patientpsychiatric services, forensic evaluations and expert testimonies (infamilylaw)aswellasthroughspeakingengagementsforthepublic.
引言
本文章將簡單介紹「長女情結」的特徵、起因及
解結之法。經過十多年的臨床觀察,並研究了200多位亞裔女性,普遍在華裔或亞裔家庭的長女身上發現了
一些相同的心理困擾,於是將之作歸納,並提出「長
女情結」論的說法。(雖然這些特徵一般在長女身上
比較顯著,但一些在相似的家庭環境下長大的女性,
不論在家中的排行,也會有類似的心理狀態。)她們
通常在心理輔導的過程中都陷於極大的情緒波動,而
這種現象不僅發現於接受普通心理輔導的長女當中,
也發現於不同治療層面的長女身上。
女與父母、奴僕與主人都需要彼此尊重,因為我們不單
是家庭和社會中的一員,我們每個人也是蒙神看顧的獨
特個體,也會按着個人所行的得主的賞賜 (弗6:8)。因
此,看重家庭成員在個人方面健康地成長,有助於建立
幸福的家庭關係。
(針對在這方面的需要,活現事工為家長和子女提供專業的訓
練課程,請留意我們今年十月十七日在核桃市的活動。)
Conclusion TheBiblesays,“Amanwill leavehisfatherandmotherandbeunited to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24,NIV)Thisteachestheneedforchildrentomatureandestablishtheirown family independent from their parents. And while God wantsmantounitewithhiswifeasoneflesh,Godalsovalueseachpersonseparatelybycommandingallbelieversto“SubmittooneanotheroutofreverenceforChrist.”(Ephesians5:21,NIV)
Whether it is the husband and wife relationship, parents andchildren, or employers and employees, there needs to be mutualrespectfortheindividual.Wearenotonlyamemberofourfamilyandourcommunity,wearealsoindividuals,eachonelovedbyGod,andeachwillberewardedaccordingtoourdeeds.(Ephesians6:8)Whenweapplythethreepsychologicalconceptstoraisehealthyindividualsinthefamily,wewilltogetherformahealthyandhappyfamily.
(Presence Ministry will be holding a Parenting Conference in Walnut on October 17, 2009 with workshops addressing some of these issues. Contact our office for more information about the conference.)
Agnes Ip is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and a PhD candidate in Clinical Psychology specializing in multicultural-community clinical psychology. She holds a bachelor degree in Theology and a master degree in Clinical Psychology. In addition to leading Presence Ministry, Agnes is a professional counselor and a popular speaker on diverse subjects.
葉顏瑋茵女士是神學學士、臨床心理學碩士、加州家庭婚姻治
療師,目前進修臨床心理學博士,主修多元種族文化臨床心理
學。平日除了帶領活現同工隊之外,個人提供專業輔導,也經
常應邀在各教會擔任主日講道、主日學和多元互動專題講座的
講員。
中文翻譯由黃博士提供
長女情結華人婦女與心理創傷論
First-Born-Daughter (FBD) Syndrome
Introduction
Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D.Licensed Clinical Psychologist
黃偉康博士
Whilemostof thecharacteristicsof theFBDcomplexmaycarryanegativeconnotation,whenthe FBD is not under stress, she can be quitefunctional (the quiet borderline?) It is importanttopointoutthattheFBDcomplexisanineffectivecopingstyle which impairs effective interpersonal relationshipsand intrapersonal functioning.ThiscomplexmayoverlapsomeofthefeaturesoftheborderlinepersonalitydisorderasdescribedintheDSM.
Positive Qualities1. Exceptional independence in carrying out personal
2. Overlyrigidwiththeirperceptionandtheyarelessabletoshiftmentalsetstodealwithachangingenvironment.Aheightenedsensitivity towards justiceand fairness.Highanxietylevel&stressproneness.
3. They are not able to adjust effectively with socialisolation.ThischaracteristicisdependentontheleveloffunctioningoftheFBD.Thelowerthelevelthemoreproblems with social alienation, being alone, fear ofabandonment, and the overwhelming dread whenhavingtofacetheeveningbythemselves.
3. FBDmothersusuallybecametooenmeshedwiththeirdaughters and they projected what they didn’t likeabout themselvesand their fearsand insecuritiesaswomenontotheirFBD’s.
4. FBD’sbecametheirmother’sconfidantandcounselorat an young age. There was role-reversal andconfusion.
5. FBD’s became their younger siblings’ surrogatemotherandcare-giver. Therewasgrossexperienceofsplitting.
7.The lower functioning FBD’s are those who havesuffered multiple interpersonal traumas, losses andrejections.ItisnotuncommonforlowfunctioningFBD’stodevelopthefullborderlinepersonalitydisorder.
8. ItistypicalforFBD’stohavereducedimpulsecontrolandtheymaycontemplaterunningawayfromhometoescapeinjusticeandtheywouldhavechronicsuicidalideations. Self-mutilations and suicide attempts arealsocommon.
9. They were disappointed with their fathers and theirbrothers. They felt that their fathers had betrayedthem.
10.They have been emotionally and physically abused.The use of shame, divisiveness, splitting, favoritism,nepotism and threats of separation and dread arecommonalitiesintheirupbringing.
Treatment Summary for FBD’s 1. Throughinterpersonalandintrapersonalreconciliation
Dr. Melvin Wong is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in California. He worked as an assistant clinical professor of Psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, School of Medicine, and was an attending psychologist at San Francisco General Hospital. Dr. Wong had spoke at Presence’s “Sexual Brokenness” Conference, “Pastoral Care for People with Gender Issues”, and “Communication with Teens” Workshops. Workshop DVDs are available through Presence. Please refer to our order form.
or who is younger, but it is about whether that is fair. Serve
one another under a fair condition.
聖經也有講到彼此服侍。耶穌基督曾給了他的門徒一
條新的命令,就是要彼此相愛(約13-15 )。其中,耶
穌基督教導門徒在愛裡彼此服侍,而他用為門徒洗腳的
實際行動,作了最好的榜樣(約13,加5)。耶穌基督
的教導與中國和西方文化的觀念的不同之處,是在於彼
此服侍的出發點的不同。耶穌基督要求門徒在愛的基礎
上彼此服侍,而世人的出發點往往多著重於彼此間的利
益關係上。那麼,身處於當今的社會文化,我們應當怎
樣教導我們的孩子學習服侍別人呢?
作為神的兒女,我們是蒙福的,因為神早已給了我們
一條準則,就是當在愛裡互相服侍。首先,人是神創造
的,他愛世上每個人。因此,我們也應當愛彼此,尊重
In traditionalChineseculture, therearevariouspointsofview when it comes to serving. We either think others lookdownonuswhenweserve,orconversely,wefeelasenseofsuperiority when being served. In Chinese families, parentsoftenteachthechildrentoobeytheelderly,andfortheyoungeronestoservetheolderones.Ontheotherhand,theWesternculturepromotesequalityandrespectforeveryone,regardlessofageoroccupation.Eventheserviceindustryiswellrespected.Allmembersinthefamilyaretobetreatedfairly,whetheryouarethechild,theparent,orthegrandpa.
The Bible also talks about serving one another. In John13:15,Jesusgiveshisdisciplesanewcommandmenttoloveoneanother.ChristJesusdemonstratedtoHisdiscipleshowtoserveoneanotherinlovebypersonallywashingHisdisciples’feet.(John13;Galatians5)
The difference between the teachings of Jesus and thepractices of the traditional Chinese and Western culture ismotivation. Jesus teaches the disciples to serve one another out of love,whereastoday’scultureencouragesquidproquo.Sinceweliveintoday’sculture,howthenshouldweteachourchildrentheBiblicalwaytoserveothers?
As God’s children, God provides us with guidelines forservingoneanotherinlove.First,weareGod’screationandHelovesallofus.Therefore,wemust loveandrespectoneanother,whetherwearetheonewhoisservingortheonesbeingserved.ThisprinciplechallengesthetraditionalChineseframeofmind.Wemustbreakthroughtheconceptthattheyoungergeneration should serve the older generation. Everyone,regardlessof theirage,shouldserveoneanother in love. In
Grace upon GraceYou know how fast a child can grow into an adult? I just experienced my oldest daughter pursuing adulthood and starting college. I made a commitment to stay home for our kids when we planned to have kids. I laid aside the job of social worker and took up the yoke of a parent with joy and fear – the joy of procreation, fun and fulfillment mingled with fear of whether I would do a good job in the years ahead.
As our first child moved to college far away, our hearts stayed close. This leaves our son as the ‘only child’ at home to continue his separate venture.
The Lord is kind. Once again, while I continue to enjoy being the mother of our son, He grants me the opportunity to involve in ministry that I laid aside 18 years ago. Joining Presence Ministry calls me to reflect and to integrate the long shelved theories, counseling practices, actual first hand personal experience in parenting with the needs of today. I will have so much to learn and even much more to grow.
Secondly, when we serve one another in love, weexperiencejoyinourheartsratherthancomplaining.Feelingsofinjusticeanddisappointmentwillnotbeanissueanymore.Whenparentsviewtakingcareoftheirchildrenasadreadedduty,parentsgetupsetattheirchildrenandblamethem.Thiswill give their children the misconception that serving othersisnothingbut torture. Just likeMartha in theBible,shewasupsetwhenshehad toserveJesusandcomplained toHim.(Luke10)Marthafailedtofocusonthereasonforherservice.Therefore,theservicebecameachoretoherinsteadofanactoflove.
Amy came to the United States from Taiwan in 2005. She received her MS Education (concentration TESOL) from California State University, Fullerton in 2009. Growing up in a “semi-Christian family,” she sees how God could use
我畢業於 CSUF的音樂教育學士,接觸過不同年紀的青少年。
我又是兩個孩子的母親,深深明白培養孩子擁有基督的價值
觀實在很難。我非常認同活現的異象:幫助父母和孩子建立
家庭在穩固的磐石上—耶穌基督才是最基要的工作。
I graduated from CSUF with a degree inMusicEducation. Ihaveworkedwithchildrenofdifferentages.Asamotherof2children, Ifullyunderstandhowharditistoraiseourkidswith Christian values inAmerica. I believe inPresence’svision:trainingparentsandchildrento build their families on a solid rock---JesusChristshouldbetheultimategroundwork.
family to raise up a generation that seeks Him. She is currently working part-time at Presence Ministry, responsible for writing, translation, and editing.
Amy Lin 林宛蓉 Kathy Chung
On August 8th, Presence speaker Janet Fang spoke to a group of mothers at the Monterey Park Chinese Baptist Church on the topic of Early Childhood Development. All the moms appreciated Janet’s extensive knowledge of the subject and the thorough answers she gave to their questions. It was an enriching experience for all who attended. 八月八號,活現講員戚方向青在慕
道園華人浸信會,與媽媽們分享「幼兒發展」。她們從講員
豐富的知識中獲益良多,問題也得到解答,對每個參與者來
說,這都是一個豐盛的經驗。
此外,父母教導孩子學習服侍的功課,不單在家裡,還需
要延續到社區裡,以至到神的國度。學習服侍的功課,不應
只停留在家裡及個人的層面。因為我們的孩子有一天,終會離
開家,要面對社會的。所以,我們還要教導孩子服務社會,而
且從小就可以開始。去年聖誕前夕,我有機會帶著我的兩個孩
子,四歲和九歲,一起參予教會裡的一項探訪活動。我們去到
一所老人公寓和老人院,為那裡的老人唱聖誕頌歌,派給他們
一些小禮物。看著那些平常孤單的老人,臉上露出笑容,我們
都很感動。孩子從參與類似的活動中,學習走出自己的小圈圈
和服侍別人。進一步的,就是父母可以從小教導兒女服侍神,
而父母和孩子一起的參與,父母的直接引導和給於孩子的榜
樣,是最有力的教導。例如,從我的大兒子兩歲起,每年暑假
我都盡可能帶同他,參與教會提供到外地的短宣。兒子從這些
經歷中,不但學習到為自己所擁有的感恩,對傳福音和宣教也
有了直接的認識和深刻的印象,更對服侍神的意思有所了解。
這些的參與對他來說,肯定要比上暑期班有意義。
在教導孩子學習服侍的功課時,父母的鼓勵和支持是非常
關鍵的。父母的態度會影響孩子對服侍別人的看法。父母需要
為孩子尋找參與的機會。父母與孩子同行,更能幫助孩子的成
長。除了參加短宣,感恩節和聖誕節期間,對社區的流浪漢和
老人的關顧活動,都是孩子學習的好機會。在這裡,我鼓勵每
一位父母,在今年的感恩節和聖誕節期間,帶領你們的孩子一
起學習用愛心彼此服侍。
large.LastChristmasEve,Ibroughtmytwochildren,4and9,tovisitseniorapartmentsandconvalescenthomesaspartofourchurch’sactivities. WesangChristmascarolstotheelderlyandpresentedthemwithgifts.Wewereallverytouchedbythesmilesonthefacesoftheelderly.Fromthesevisits,ourchildrenlearnedtostepout of their little circle of friends and serve others inlove.
The most valuable lesson that parents can teachtheir children about serving is to actively serve Godtogetherwith them.Forexample,sincemysonwas2yearsold,I’vebroughthimwithustoshort-termmissiontripseverysummer.NotonlyishethankfultoGodforhowmuchhehas,comparedtotheunder-privileged,healsohas firsthand experience and a deeper understandingof what is involved in serving God and spreading thegospel.Goingonshort-termmissiontripsismuchmoremeaningfultohimthangoingtosummerschool.
In teaching children how to serve with love, the key is encouragement and support from the parents.Theattitudeof theparentswouldgreatly influence thewaychildrenviewservingothers.Parentsneedtohelpchildrenfindopportunitiestoserve.Parentsmustwalkwiththeirchildrenandhelpthemtomature.Short-termmissiontrips,caringforthehomelessandtheelderlyinthecommunityareallgreatopportunitiesforchildrentolearntoserveotherswithlove.IencourageeveryparenttobringyourchildrenwhenyouserveothersduringthiscomingThanksgivingsandChristmasholidays.
In the past months, several Presence speakers had the opportunity to teach at the youth group at Mandarin Baptist Church of Pasadena. The topics included “Dealing with peer pressure”, “Seeing yourself through God’s eyes”, and “Modesty in a
sexualize culture”. The youth were very receptive in learning about these subjects that are particularly relevant to them.
Early Childhood Development Workshop 幼兒發展講座
在過去幾個月中,幾位活現講員很榮幸在培城國語浸信會
的青少年團契中分享。主題包括「處理同儕壓力」、「從
神的眼光看自己」、以及「在性開放的社會中談聖潔」。
青少年們都覺得這些主題很有意義,也學到很多。
Youth Fellowship Workshop • 青年團契工作坊
If you are interested in inviting Presence speakers to teach at any of your venues, please contact our office.若您有興趣邀請活現講員到您的團契或教會中分享,請聯絡活現辦公室。
Janet Fang earned a B.A. degree in Human Development and will graduate with an M.A. degree in Child Development in 2009. For the past 16 years, Janet worked in the field of early childhood education as a preschool teacher and a daycare director. Early childhood development has always been the focus of her academic and career pursuits. Janet is available to speak on related topics. Please contact Presence for scheduling.
Calendar for Presence Ministry 活現事工行事曆 August to October 2009
Special Prayer for Taiwan:TyphoonMorakothitTaiwanandcausedadisastrousfloodandagreatdealofcatastrophe.Pleaseprayforthepost-disasterreconstructionforthevictims’families.
Please continue in your prayers for the family:1.ForChristianparentstodiligentlypasson
By God’s grace Presence is celebrating our sixth anniversary on September 7th of this year. We could really see God’s hand on our ministry as we started from scratch with a vision to make an impact on our culture through our Christian faith. Today we have five part-time staff and twenty-six volunteers who are regularly helping us with our ongoing ministry activities.
We would like to personally thank you, from the bottom of our hearts for your support of Presence Ministry over the last six years.
I want to invite you to this open house so that I can meet you in person. You’ll see how God is blessing us together through this ministry. It is my hope that you will be encouraged as you see the various ways God is touching the lives of so many people through Presence Ministry.