Practical Parenting_Working Mums_August 2012

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www.practicalparenting.com.au � � �97

working �mums �YOU

96 practical �parenting �august �2012

YOU working �mums

Lady Breadwinner, meet Mr Mum! As modern mamas flex their business muscles, ERIN SMITH looks at families turning working traditions on their head

“I was flat-out trying to fulfil the idea of being the perfect mother, giving all this wonderful time

to my children then working at midnight to catch up on my business. We were banging our heads against a brick wall and it just wasn’t working...” With go-getting women jumping up the career ladder – many ruling the roost at work by the time their littlies come along – it’s a situation more and more mums are finding familiar. And if you’re among them, you don’t need us to tell you that balancing work business

Bringing hOme

theBacOn

projections with your tot’s theatrical bedtime story can feel like juggling an elephant and five mice with your hands behind your back!

Siobhán Doran is mum to four-year-old Felix and Rafferty, almost two. She’s also director of The Writers’ Group (www.thewritersgroup.com.au), a team of freelance writers who specialise in writing for businesses. Together with her husband, Daley, she’s discovered that it doesn’t always pay to think traditionally when considering budgets and bedtimes. ›

98 practical �parenting �august �2012

YOU working �mums

“I think everyone always feels a bit guilty

about going to work – dads and mums”

“Daley was working full time and I was working full time, but I was trying to do it at crazy hours so I could see the kids,” she recalls. “We realised I could contract my skills out, earn more money and work fewer hours, so we agreed I should become the main breadwinner. The only thing was that I needed to work more regular daytime hours to do this, while Daley needed to cut back his work hours to accommodate the shift.”

The writing was on the wall but the decision to buck time-honoured trends took some determination. “I felt pressure from society to not become the main breadwinner,” Siobhán admits. “The main difficulty was resisting this, because what we were thinking wasn’t something traditionally done. When we actually made the decision, it was a relief. It was the right thing for us as a family and everything became much easier once we let ourselves commit to it.”

The riSe OF mr mUmThis practical approach to family life is fast becoming the answer for countless couples: main-earning mamas are a growing trend across the Western world. According to a recent study from female-friendly insurance company Sheilas’ Wheels, 22 per cent of women are the family’s breadwinner in the UK. In the US, 40 per cent of women are, while in the late 1960s just four per cent of women brought in the bulk of a family’s income.

It’s a change supported by a new generation of domestic dads, too. A study from the US Men’s Health magazine found 45 per cent of men are now ‘very willing’ to look after the home if their wife earns more, while three-quarters of men admitted it’s no longer important for them to be the family’s main breadwinner.

So what’s brought about these changes? According to Dr Suzanne Doyle-Morris, author of Female Breadwinners (Wit & Wisdom Press, $41.99), there are three top reasons: reliable contraception, access

to education and pragmatism. Now that we can get our hands on safe and reliable contraception, women have the chance to focus on things besides imminent birth, she says. “In fact, by 2016

it’s estimated that 60 per cent of graduates will be female.” As a result, educated and ambitious mums abound!

Parents are becoming more pragmatic in their approach to earnings too, which means they’re likely to make decisions based on their situation and not the assumption that staying at home is a woman’s role. Throw in a few life curveballs, such as illness or redundancy, and the case of main-earning mums increases.

Learning TO LeT gOOf course, putting down the nappy rash cream and picking up the laptop can be a difficult transition to make. According to

If you’re bringing home the

bacon, here are three simple

bits of advice to keep in mind:

�Think practically. Get �

yourself �some �life �insurance �

and �consider �paying �money �

into �your �partner’s �personal �

account �each �month. �“the �

necessity �to �ask �you �for �his �

money �can �be �emasculating �

and �grating,” �Dr �Doyle-Morris �

says. �“the �small �psychological �

things �make �a �difference.” �

Keep perspective of the

bigger picture. It �will �get �easier �

when �the �kids �are �at �school �

because �you �can �work � �

without �losing �time �with �them, �

Siobhán �says. �“those �first � �

five �or �so �intense �years �are � �

a �tough �time �for �any �family, �

whether �you’re �working �or �not. �

You’re �going �to �work �for �the �

family �and �that’s �what �this �is �

all �about. �the �day-to-day �

management �may �become �a �

little �unstuck �and �that’s �okay.”

�Don’t forget to have fun!

“We �really �enjoy �the �kids � �

and �don’t �take �ourselves �too �

seriously,” �Clair �says. �“Life �can �

be �fun �even �if �you’re �busy!”

tAKe �A �tIP

a survey conducted by UK insurance company Aviva, 37 per cent of women who were the main earners for their family said they were ‘wracked with guilt’ about leaving the kids while they worked.

“There’s the issue of mother guilt, obviously,” Siobhan confirms. “My maternal instinct is massive and I struggled with the decision because I wanted to see my children 24/7. Truth be told, though, I do now appreciate my work days, which give me some time to myself every now and then!” she says.

“I think everyone always feels a bit guilty about going to work – dads and mums,” agrees Clair Bannerman, who works as an education officer and shares work and home responsibilities with her husband. “I don’t think it’s fair to say dads feel any different to mums in that respect.” Together the couple has two little ones: Sam, four, and Matilda, 12 months.

While you may be working through misgivings as you commit to your career, it’s important to remember that dads who are picking up the household reigns can struggle with their identities, too. “If a man stays home for an extended period he may lose confidence in his ability to be relevant in the current marketplace,” says psychologist Helena Deacon-Wood, from Relationships Australia. “Working or studying from home can be a great option here.”

Both you and your partner should try to remain flexible and rethink things as necessary, Helena adds. If your fella is fond of hanging the washing out higgledy piggledy

or doesn’t see the point of ironing underwear, for example, let it go! “We’re learning to live with a little more squalor than I would naturally like,” Clair laughs. “I figure the kids are only little once, but there’ll be dirty dishes every day of our lives.”

There’s no shame in seeking domestic help if it means saving time and arguments though, Dr Doyle-Morris assures, saying that women who are the main earners are much more likely to get paid help for their husbands than if the situation is reversed.

When it comes to letting go, we’re not just talking control, either. Most importantly, don’t hold on to the idea of being a ‘super mum’ – the ideal woman who can do it all for herself, her partner, her children and everyone else. “The women who make it work let go of this super-woman myth,” Dr Doyle-Morris says.

enJOYing an eQUaL FOOTingWith the right approach, many mums putting in the hard graft

at work are also reaping the rewards at home.

“My husband Daley has this wonderful time with the boys that he wouldn’t have otherwise had,” Siobhán explains. “As a mother

you’re naturally bonded to your children through pregnancy, the day-to-day stuff and so on. Daley now has this special experience with the kids that’s been

afforded by our work situations, and it somehow feels as though we’re more on equal footing now.

“Before I was trying to do everything: I was cleaning, I was cooking and I was working odd hours around the clock to fit it all in. Daley just worked conventional hours five days a week and he probably didn’t appreciate the everyday pressures on the home front,” she says. “Who knows, in five years Daley may become the main breadwinner again. Nothing’s set in stone. But at the moment, at this stage in our life, it’s really working out.”

“Get �used �to �the �house �not �always � �being �clean!” – casey

“Be �realistic �when �it �comes �to �your �expectations �of �yourself.” �– Karli

“Be �at �work �when �you �are �at �work, �be �with �your �kids �when �you �are �with �your �kids, �and �always �guard �your �lunch �hour �as �private �time �for �yourself!” – melinda

“the �time �you �do �spend �with �your �kids �is �precious, �so �make �sure �it’s �fun.” �– rebecca

“Don’t �bring �work �home! �Make �time �for �lots �of �hugs �and �kisses. �And �bring �home �presents �after �business �trips.” – Suzanne

“If �you’re �using �childcare, �make �sure �you’re �comfortable �with �the �centre �so �you �don’t �worry �through �the �day.” �– melissa

When we asked followers on PP’s Facebook page about their tips for balancing work and family life, these were some of the responses…

Finding that work/life balance

facebook.com/cenovisaustralia

A U - C E N - 1 2 - 0 5 - 0 3 9 - O L . p d f P a g e 1 1 8 / 0 6 / 1 2 , 1 2 : 0 9 : 1 3 P M

“I figure the kids are only

little once, but there’ll be dirty dishes every day

of our lives”

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