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COACHINGLEADERSPracticalNLP:HowtouseNLPprinciplestoimproveyourlifeandwork,evenifyou'renotNLPtrainedAndySmithCopyright©2013byAndySmithAllrightsreserved.Thisbookwasself-publishedbytheauthorAndySmithunderCoachingLeaders.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformbyanymeanswithouttheexpresspermissionoftheauthor.Thisincludesreprints,excerpts,photocopying,recording,oranyfuturemeansofreproducingtext.Ifyouwouldliketodoanyoftheabove,pleaseseekpermissionfirstbycontactingusathttp://coachingleaders.co.ukCoverimage©DanaRothsteinatwww.dreamstime.comPublishedintheUnitedKingdombyCoachingLeadersISBN0-9543852-2-5
TableofContents
IntroductionPrinciplesAboutPeople
Chapter1:ThemapisnottheterritoryChapter2:AllbehaviouristhebestchoicecurrentlyavailableChapter3:PeoplehavealltheresourcestheyneedtosucceedChapter4:Iaminchargeofmymind,andthereforemyresultsChapter5:TheonlyreliableinformationaboutapersonistheirbehaviourChapter6:Mindandbodyareonesystem
PrinciplesAboutCommunicationAndChangeChapter7:Respectfortheotherperson'smodeloftheworldChapter8:The"meaning"ofacommunicationistheresponseyougetChapter9:YoucannotnotcommunicateChapter10:Thereisnofailure,onlyfeedbackChapter11:Themorecomplexthesituationyouhavetocopewith,themorebehaviouralflexibilityyouneed("TheLawofRequisiteVariety")Chapter12:Anychangesshouldincreasechoiceandwholeness,andbeevaluatedintermsofecologyReviewUsingNLPPrinciplesToResolveProblemsWhatNow?AboutTheAuthor
Introduction
"First,youknow,anewtheoryisattackedasabsurd;thenitisadmittedtobetrue,butobviousandinsignificant;finallyitisseentobesoimportantthatits
adversariesclaimthattheythemselvesdiscoveredit."-WilliamJames,Pragmatism:ANewNameforSomeOld
WaysofThinking(1907)
Whatthisbookisnotabout
ThisbookisnotabouthowtolearnNLP,sinceit'sgenerallyagreedthattogetanywherenearmasteringtheskillsofNLPsoyoucanusethemsuccessfullytohelpyourselforotherpeople,youneedtoattendareasonablylengthylivetrainingcoursethatallowsforlotsofpracticeandgivesyoucontinualfeedbackfromsomeonewhoknowswhattheyaredoing.
Whatthisbookisabout
Rather,thisbookisabouthowyoucanapplytheprinciplesor'presuppositions'ofNLP('presuppositions'justmeansthebasicideasthatyouhavetoassumeor'presuppose'tobetrueinordertobeabletouseNLPandmakeitworkforyou).Thisissomethingthatyoucanlearnfromabook,aslongasyoutakethetimetoactuallytryoutthepracticalexercisesineachsection.
Callingtheseideas'principlesofNLP'mightbetakentoimplythattheyareactuallytrue,orthattheyaresomekindofbeliefsystemthatyouareexpectedtotakeontrust,butthat'snottheintention.
InNLPwe'renotconcernedaboutmakinggeneralisationsaboutwhatistrueornot;rather,we'reconcernedwithwhatworksandwhatisuseful.We'renotaskingyoutobelievethesepresuppositionsasarticlesoffaith;we'reaskingyoutoactasiftheyaretrueinordertomakeNLPworkforyou,andverysoonyou'llstartgeneratingyourownevidencethattheywork.
Whyabookaboutprinciples?
Here'sthebigquestion:whywrite(orread)abookonjusttheprinciplesofNLP,
thatdoesn'tgointothedetailsofspecifictechniques,models,andspecialisttermsthatyouseeinsomanyNLPbooks?
OnthemanyNLPcoursesthatI'veattended,assistedon,orrunasatrainer,I'venoticedtimeandagainthatmanyofthebiggestbreakthroughsfortheparticipants('lightbulbmoments','ahamoments',callthemwhatyouwill)happenearlyoninthecourse,beforepeoplehavereallylearnedany'NLPtechniques',justfromunderstandingtheNLPpresuppositionsandhowlifelooksdifferentinthelightofthem.
I'vehadparticipantsonmyNLPPractitionercoursestellmethatapplyingmaybejustoneofthesepresuppositionshasmadeamassivepositivedifferenceintheirlives.Maybeyouwillhavethesameexperience.
Soaretheseprinciplestrueornot?
IntheirearlyseminarsRichardBandlerandJohnGrinder,theoriginatorsofNLP,usedtosay'Everythingwe'reabouttotellyouisalie'-whichusuallygotpeople'sattention.Thethingis,anythingthatanytrainertellsyouwillbealietotheextentthattheyaremakinggeneralisations,becauseyoucanalwaysfindanexceptionsomewhere.Therealquestionisnot'Arethesestatementstrue?'but'Aretheyuseful?'
Whyisn'tthereonedefinitivelistofNLPpresuppositions?
IneverybookyoureadaboutNLP,you'llfindaslightlydifferentlistofthesepresuppositions-they'reallsayingthesamethingindifferentways.ThereasonyougetdifferingformulationsisperhapsbecauseasfarasIknow,BandlerandGrinderdidn'tsetdownallofthem,sotherehasn'tbeenadefinitivesethandeddownbytheoriginatorsofNLP.Someversionsofthepresuppositionsweresetdownbypeopletheytrainedandworkedwith,suchasRobertDilts.And,ofcourse,everyNLPtrainerwantstogetthepresuppositionsacrossinthewaythatwillworkfortheirstudents,soyoufindmanyslightlydifferentversions-allexpressingthesamebasicideas.
Abouttheterm'presupposition'inNLP
Ishouldpointoutthattheword'presupposition'alsohasabroadermeaninginNLP,coveringanythingthat'spresupposedinaquestionorstatement.Forexample,intheclassicsalesclosingquestion'Wouldyouliketopaybycashorcard?'presupposesthatyouaregoingtobuy,eventhoughitdoesn'texplicitlysaythat.Ifyougoforeitherofthetwochoicesonoffer,'cash'or'card',you'vealreadyacceptedthepresupposition.
WithNLPwecanbecomemoreawareofthiskindofpresuppositioninourownlanguagesowecanbecomebettercommunicators.Wecanalsobecomemoreawareoftheminotherpeople'slanguage,sotheycan'tmanipulateussoeasily.
Whytheseprinciplesareuseful
Returningtopresuppositionsinthe'principlesofNLP'sense,theusefulthingaboutthemisthatyoucanusethemtomakeyourlifebetterwithoutanyformaltrainingorskillsinNLP.
Obviouslyyouwillgetevenbetterresultsifyoudogetsometraininganddevelopsomeskills,butacting'asif'theprinciplesaretruewillstillhelpyou.Thisisbecausetheprinciplesareanattitudeandawayoflookingattheworldthatyoucanregardasasetofinstructionsforsuccess.
TheversionoftheNLPpresuppositionsthatI'vefoundworksbestissomethingI'veadaptedfromaslightlylongersetbyRichardBolstad,agreatNLPtrainerfromNewZealand.Tomakethemeasiertoremember,Richardgroupedthemintopresuppositionsaboutpeople,andpresuppositionsaboutcommunicationandmakingchangesorassistingotherswithchange.Inouradaptationtherearesixpresuppositionsineachcategory.Let'sstartwithpresuppositionsaboutpeople.
PrinciplesAboutPeople
"Trustyourself,thenyouwillknowhowtolive."-JohannWolfgangvonGoethe(1749-1832)
"Theuniverseischange;ourlifeiswhatourthoughtsmakeit."-MarcusAureliusAntoninus(121-180),Meditations
"Themindisitsownplace,andinitselfCanmakeaHeav'nofHell,aHellofHeav'n."-JohnMilton(1608-1674),ParadiseLost
“Ifyoucouldkickthepersoninthepantsresponsibleformostofyourtrouble,youwouldn'tsitforamonth.”
TheodoreRoosevelt,USPresident1901-1909
Chapter1"Themapisnottheterritory"
ThisisthesinglemostimportantpresuppositionofNLP,andtheonethatmanyoftheotherpresuppositionsspringfrom.Whatitcomesdowntoisthis:peoplerespondandmakechoicesbasednotonabsolutereality,butaccordingtohowtheyperceivetheworld.
Mentalfilters
Ourconsciousawarenesshasalimitednumberof'chunksofattention'(around7,manypeoplesay,citingthepsychologistGeorgeMiller'sfamouspaper'TheMagicalNumber7±2',butinpracticeit'sprobablymorelike3or4).
Soinordertomakesenseofthehugeamountofinformationthatoursensestakeineachmomentfromtheworldaroundus,weunconsciouslyfilterit.
Wehavetodothisfiltering.Ifwedidn't,ourbrainswouldbeoverloadedandtheworldwouldappearasablooming,buzzingriotofsmells,feelingsandcolours,justasitmustappeartoanew-bornbaby.
Herearesomeofthefilteringprocessesthatourbrainusestoprotectus:
Deletion
Wejustdon'tnoticecertainthings,especiallyifwearenotinterestedinthem.Soineverysituation,thereismoregoingonthanyourealise.Mostoftheinformationwedeletemaybeirrelevant,butsometimesweoverlookthingsthatwouldhelpusifwenoticedthem.
Infact,oneofthewaysthatpsychedelicdrugslikemescalineorLSDworkisthat,inAldousHuxley'sphrase,theyopen'TheDoorsofPerception'-inotherwords,theytakeawaythefiltersthatarenormallyinplace.Soifyouhavethatfamiliarimagefromthesixtiesofahippywho'stakenLSD,sittingforhoursstaringataleaf,going'Ohwow....'it'snotsomuchthattheacidismakinghimhallucinatethingsontheleaf,it'smorethattheinformationfromtheleafthatwenormallyfilteroutisallowedthrough,andthere'smorethanenoughsensory
informationfromjustoneleaftooccupythebrainforhours.Soinnormallife,ourbrainshavetoperformthisDeletion.Iftheydidn't,we
wouldjustbeoverwhelmedbyinformation,andwewouldnevergetroundtodoinganything.Ifwedidn'tfilterincominginformation,wewouldn'tbeabletoprocessitfastenoughtodosimplethingslikecrossingaroad-we'dstillbestandingtherehourslater,assmallanimalscomeupandstartnibblingus.SoDeletionisanessentialprocesstosurvival-butsometimes,wedeletethingsthatitwouldactuallybeusefultonotice,andthatcancauseproblems.
Distortion
Psychologistshaveidentifiedvarious'cognitivebiases'thatdistortourviewoftheworld:
ConfirmationBias-wepaymoreattentiontoevidencethatsupportsourbeliefs,anddownplayorignoreevidencethatdoesn't.TheBandwagonEffect-wearemorelikelytodoorbelievesomethingwhenweseemanyotherpeopledoingorbelievingit.IllusionofControl-webelievewecancontrolorinfluenceoutcomes,evenwhenwecan't.TheHaloEffect-ifwelikeonequalityortraitofapersonorthing,wetendtoviewtheirotherqualitiesortraitsmorefavourably.
Generalisation
Welookforcommonalityandpredictability.Whatweexpecttohappenisinfluencedbyourperceptionsofpreviousevents.Forexample,gamblersandstockmarketinvestorstendtoseea'winningstreak'afterthreegoodresults,eventhough'streaks'areanaturalfeatureofanyrandomsequence(see'TheRuleofThree'ontheBritishPsychologicalSociety'sResearchDigestblog).
What'simportantaboutamap
Usually,these'cognitiveshortcuts'workinourfavour.Thinkingistime-consuming,andexpensiveinenergyterms.Ifwehadtothinkeverysinglething
wedidthroughfromfirstprinciples,wewouldbeunabletoactatall.Butsometimes,theseshortcutsworkagainstus-wemissrelevant
information,jumptoconclusions,orviewpeoplethroughalensofprejudice.Theresultofourknowledgebeing'filtered'isthatweendupwithaninternal
representationoftheworldaroundusthatbearsthesamerelationshiptorealityasamapdoestotheterritorythatitdepicts.Ican'temphasisestronglyenough-thisinternalrepresentationisallweknow.Bythetimewebecomeawareofinformationcominginfromtheworldaroundus,theinformationhasalreadybeenthroughourfilters.
Sotheworldweperceiveisnotreality-it'sourfilteredrepresentationofreality.Nowyoumightsaythatthereforeeverythingisanillusion,andrealityishiddenfromus,sincewhatweseeisnottheabsolutetruth.
Here'sthething:withamap,itdoesn'tmatterifit'strue-itmattersifit'suseful.Thinkaboutallthedifferentkindsofmapthereare:roadmaps,streetA-Zs,reliefmaps,mapsshowingpopulationdensity,weatherpatterns,languagesspoken,geology,whichreligionsarepracticedinwhichareas,animalmigrations,temperaturebands...Areanyofthesemapsabsolutelytrue?No-butsomeofthemaremoreusefulthanothers,dependingonhowcloselytheycorrespondtotheterritorytheydepict,andonwhatyouwanttoaccomplishwiththem...aspeoplehavefoundoutinthepast.
TheKingdomOfTheMapmakers
Therewasonceakingdomrenownedfortheexcellenceofitsmapmakers.Suchwastheaccuracy,detailandbeautyoftheirmapsthateachtimeyoulookedatoneyouwoulddiscoversomethingnew.
OnedaytheGuildofCartographerscametothekingandpresentedtheirproposalfortheultimatemapofthekingdom-amapthatwouldshownotonlyriversandtowns,politicalboundariesandforests,butheightsabovesealevel,languagesspoken,geologicalcompositionoftheearth,animalandplantspecies,prevailingwinds,predominantreligions,rainfall
levels,tradesandindustries,averagetemperatures,themigrationsofbirds…
Theking,appreciativeoftheirskillandknowledge,andmindfulofhowthemapwouldsecuretheprestigeofthekingdom,gavethemahugechestofgoldtofundtheproject.
Somecenturieslater(fortheprojecttooklongerthanexpected,astheinevitablechangesinthekingdomhadtoberedrawnintothemap),thedescendantsoftheCartographers'Guildcametothethenking,adistantdescendantofthefirstone,withtheirfinishedmap.
"Right,"saidtheking,"unrollitonthebanquetingtableandlet'shavealook."
"Sorrysire,"saidthemapmakers,"inordertoaccommodateallthedetailwe'vehadtomakeitaverylarge-scalemap,andit'stoobigtounrollonthetable."
"Fine,"saidtheking,"youcourtiersmovethetableoutofthewayandwe'llunrollitonthethroneroomfloor."
"Iamafraid,sire,"saidtheheadoftheCartographer'sGuild,"toshowalloftheparishboundaries,familyties,varietiesoffruitgrown,andmineraldeposits-nottomentiontheone-waystreetsandthehistoricmonuments-we'vehadtomakeitontoolargeascaleforthethroneroomtoaccommodateit."
"Right,"saidtheking,beginningtogetalittletetchy,"we'llclearthesoldiersfromtheparadegroundoutsideandtheycanunrollit."
"Sire,wehadtomakeitonaverybigscaletoaccuratelycaptureallthedetail-I'mafraidtherewillnotbesufficientroomontheparadeground."
"Wellwhatscaleisitman?"roaredtheking."Oneinathousand,oneinfivehundred,what?"
"Errm…Inordertoaccommodateallthedetail,wehadtomakeit…onetoonescale,sire."
…andtothisday,ifyouvisitthedesertwherethekingdomusedtobe,
youcanstillseetatteredscrapsoftheultimatemapblowinginthedesolatebreeze.Ifthatstoryseemsvaguelyfamiliar,I'llconfessrightnowthatit'sinspiredby
JorgeLuisBorges'story'OnExactitudeinScience'.Ifyouhaven'treadanyBorgesuptillnow,Istronglyrecommendthatyoudo-hisstoriesarethought-provokingandthey'rereallyshort,usuallyjustafewpages.Thatoneisjustoneparagraphlong.
Implicationsofthemapnotbeingtheterritory
Whatyouexperienceisnotreality.Bythetimeyoubecomeawareofexperiencingsomething,it'salreadybeenfiltered.Soyour'reality',asyouareexperiencingitrightnow,issubjecttothedeletions,distortionsandgeneralisationsofyourfilters.
Agoodmapisonethatisuseful.Sinceallmapsleaveoutinformation,therealissueisnot"Isthismaptrue?"but"Isthismapuseful?"Amapisusefultotheextentthatithelpsyouaccomplishwhatyouwanttodo;ifyou'reassessingwherefloodsmightoccur,arainfallmapmaybewhatyouwant,butifyouwanttogettoaparticularplace,you'regoingtoneedaroadmap.Ineithercaseyou'regoingtowantamapthatcorrespondstotheterritoryanddoesn'tleadyouastray.
Yoursisnottheonlytruth.Eachpersonhasadifferentviewpoint.Theywillnoticethingsthatyouhavemissed,andviceversa.Theirviewof'reality'isasvalidtothemasyoursistoyou.Peoplewhobelievethateveryoneseestheworldinthesamewaythattheydoaresettingthemselvesupforconstantbewilderment;peoplewhobelievethatothersshouldseetheworldastheydoaresettingthemselvesupforconstantdisappointment.
People'sactionsmakesensefromtheirmap,whichwecanneverfullyknoworunderstand.Oftentheiractionswouldseemcrazyorwrongwhenjudgedinthecontextofourmap-sowhencoachingorcommunicatingwiththem,suspendjudgment.
Sinceweallhavedifferentmaps,noonemapismore"real"or"true"than
another-althoughsomemapsmaybemoreusefulintermsofhelpingyoutofindyourwayroundtheworld.
Peoplegetintodifficultiesiftheylosethatmap/territorydistinctionandstarttoconfusetheirperceptionwithreality.It'sasifthey'vegoneintoarestaurant,lookedatthemenuandthought"Thatlookstasty"-andthenstartedtoeatthemenu!So-anotherNLPsaying-don'teatthemenu.
Linkedtothatmap/territoryconfusionisanothertrapthatpeoplesometimesfallinto:assumingthateveryoneelsehasthesamemapasthem.Peoplemakechoiceswhichmakesenseaccordingtotheirownmapsoftheworld.Ifyouareoperatingfromadifferentmap,sometimesthosechoiceswon'tmakesensetoyou,andviceversa.Ifsomeonethinksthateveryonesharestheirmap,theyareboundtobepuzzledbyordisappointedinotherpeoplequitealotofthetime.
Andevenifpeopleintellectuallyrecognisethattheirmapisnottheabsolutetruth,andthatotherpeoplehavedifferentmaps,theycanstillcreatealotoftroubleforthemselvesiftheybelievethatotherpeople'should'havethesamemap.
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Seeotherpeople'spointofview
Whenyouhaveadisagreementwithsomeone,oryoujustdon'tunderstandwhytheyhavedonesomething,putyourselfintheirshoesandlookattheworld,andyourself,fromtheirpointofview.Aimtoadopttheirmapratherthanjustthinking'WhatwouldIdointhatsituation?'Youwillgetbetter-qualityinformationifyoumatchtheir'physiology'(thetermoftenusedinNLPforgeneralstanceandbodylanguage)-sotomatchsomeone'sphysiology,standastheystand,breatheastheybreathe,moveatthesamespeedthattheydo,andsoon.
Toavoidthecognitiveerrorof'mind-reading',whichiswherepeopletalkandactasiftheyknowforsurewhatsomeoneelseisthinkingorfeeling,rememberthattheintuitionsyougetfromthisexercisearejustaguessabout
whattheotherpersonisthinkingandfeeling.Alwayscheckoutyourintuitionsagainstwhatthepersonactuallydoes.
2.Toinfluencesomeone,startfromtheirmapoftheworld
Whenyouwanttopersuadesomeonetochangetheirmind,don'texpectthemtojumpstraighttoyourmap.Whywouldanyonewanttodothat?Instead,startfromapositionthatmakessensetothemandiscompatiblewiththeirvaluesandbeliefs,andbuildbridgestotheplaceyouwantthepersontogetto.
Thinkofsomeoneyouhavebeentryingtoinfluenceorchangetheirmind,withoutmuchsuccesssofar.Whichoftheirvaluesorbeliefscouldhavebeengettinginthewayofthechangeyouwantthemtomake?Andwhichoftheirvaluesorbeliefsmighthelpmovethemtowardswhereyouwantthemtobe?
3.Exploretheboundariesofyourmap
Wherearethelimitsofyourmap?Whatdoyoufeelyoucan'tdo,orthatyoudon'tdeserve?Theareasinyourlifethatarenotgoingaswellasyouwouldlikemayindicatethatyourmapcoulddowithsometweaks.So:a. whereyouhaveabeliefthatisholdingyoubackornotservingyou-like
somepeoplestopthemselvesfromexercisingbecausetheybelievetheyarenogoodatsport-activelylookforexampleswherethatbeliefisnottrue
b. whereyoutendtomakegeneralisations,activelylookforcounter-examples.Therearealwaysgoingtobeexceptionstoanygeneralisation…includingthisone.
c. whenyouthinkyoucan'tdosomethingthatyouwouldliketodo,askyourself"WhatwouldhappenifIdid?"Whichleadsustothenextpresupposition:
Chapter2Allbehaviouristhebestchoicecurrentlyavailable
Soifpeoplehavetheirowninternalrepresentationsormapsoftheworld,andtheymakechoicesaccordingtothosemapsandnottoreality,itfollowsthatthechoicestheymakearegoingtobetheonesthatmakethemostsenseintheirmap.Thesearethebestchoicesavailabletothem.Theremayhavebeenotherchoicestheycouldmake,butifthosechoicesweren'tintheirmap,theywon'tevenseethem.
Noticethatthispresuppositiondoesn'tsaythatthechoicesyoumakeareobjectivelythebestchoice,ortheoneyouwouldhavepickedifyouhadthebenefitofhindsight.
Thisideahasacoupleofinterestingimplications.Firstly,ifyoudidsomethinginthepastthatyounowregret,thatmeansyouhavelearnedsomethingfromit-ifyouwouldnowactdifferentlyinthesamesituation.Youweredoingthebestyoucouldwiththeresourcesavailabletoyouatthattime;now,withyourenrichedandexpandedmap,youwouldactdifferently.Sothere'snopointbeatingyourselfupaboutyourpastdecision;theimportantthingistolearnfromyourmistakessoyoudobetternexttime.
Ofcourse,youarestillresponsibleforyouractions.Soyoustillhavearesponsibilitytocontinuetoenrichandimproveyourmap,sothatyouincreaseyourabilitytomakebetterchoices.
Ifyou'veevergivenupsmokingmultipletimes,orcontinuedtoovereatatthesametimeaswantingtobeslimmerandfitter,orputoffpreparingforanimportantpresentationorworkprojecteventhoughyouactuallywanttogetitdone,youmayhavewondered"Ifallbehaviouristhebestchoicecurrentlyavailable,whydoIstilldothingsthataren'tgoodforme?"
Thesekindsofproblembehavioursmightbeunwantedhabitslikesmokingorovereating,orinappropriateemotionalresponseslikeexcessiveoutburstsofanger,orpersistentunfoundedanxiety.Howcanthatproblembehaviourbethe
bestchoiceavailable?Theansweristhattheproblembehaviourorhabitisthebestchoicethe
personhasbeenabletofindsofar;there'ssomekindofbenefitorpayofftothebehaviourthattheywouldn'tgetiftheystopped.Thisappliesjustasmuchtoorganisationalchangeasitdoestoindividualchange.
Sometimesit'sasifapartofthemindthatseestheworlddifferentlyfromconsciousawareness,withdifferentfiltersanddifferentvalues,isresponsibleforaproblembehaviour,andkeepsthepersondoingthebehaviour,andeventhoughconsciouslytheywouldliketostop,theydon't.AnyonewhohasgivenupsmokingmultipletimeswillknowwhatImean.
Secondly,ifbehaviouristhebestchoicecurrentlyavailable,thatmeansthatotherpeoplearedoingthebesttheyareabletoaswell.It'shardertohateordespiseotherpeople,andeasiertofeelcompassionforthem,whenyourememberthatjustlikeyou,theyaredoingthebestthattheycangiventhewaythattheyseetheworld.
AnotherwayyouoftenseethisNLPpresuppositionstatedis"Thereisapositiveintentionbehindeverybehaviour"-'positive'inthesensethatit'stryingtoachievesomethingorgetsomebenefitforthatperson,notnecessarilyforanyoneelse.Whenyouwanttochangebehaviourlikethisyouneedtoseparatetheintention-whichispositive-fromthebehaviour,whichmaywellhave'negative'ordamagingresults.
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Whathaveyoulearned?
Ifthere'ssomethingyoudidinthepastthatyouregret-whatwouldyoudodifferentlyifthathappenednexttime?Whatpositivelessonshaveyoulearnedfromit?
Ifthereisanyemotionalpain,orguilt,stillattachedtothememory,thatmeansthereisstillsomethingtobelearned.So,whenthetimeisright,askyourself"NowwhatdoIneedtolearnfromthateventinordertoletgoofthat
emotionandmovebeyondit?"Shinethelightofyourattentionontowhatyouwoulddodifferentlynow.Takeyourmentalimageofthepositivelessonsyou'velearnedandthewaysinwhichyouwouldbehavedifferentlyandmakeitbig,brightandclear.Nowanytimeyourememberthatevent,youcanalsoseethevaluablelessonsyou'velearnedandhowyouwillactdifferently.
2.Whatisthepositiveintentionoftheproblem?
Ifyou'vebeendoingsomehabitthatyouwanttochange,likesmokingorovereating,orifyouhavesomethinglikeacriticalinnervoice,orifyouhaveanysortofproblemthathasn'tbeeneasytosolve-andyoumayfindthisevenworksforhealthproblemsinsomecases-supposeforamomentthatthere'sapositiveintentionbehindit.
Ofcourse,theresultsmaynotbepositiveforyou,butjustforamomentsupposethatthereisapositiveintentionbehindtheproblem,orthatthere'sapayofforbenefitinsomesensethattheproblemorhabitistryingtogiveyou.
Sowhatisthatproblemorhabittryingtodoforyou,aswellasitcurrentlyknowshow?Takeamomenttothinkaboutit.Howelsecouldyougetthatbenefit,onceyouletgoofthathabitorproblem?Maybeyoucanthinkofthreeorfourpossiblewaystogetasimilarbenefit-orbetter-withoutthenegativeeffectsoftheproblemorhabit.
3.Applytheprincipletootherpeopleaswell
Thiswillbeabigoneforsomereaders,but"allbehaviouristhebestchoicecurrentlyavailable"appliestootherpeopleaswell.Sowhenotherpeopledothingsyoudon'tlike,eventheworstthings,theyaredoingitbecauseitseemstothem,withtheirmapoftheworld,likethebestchoiceavailable.
Gettingangryaboutwhatotherpeopledo,iftheangerdoesn'tspuryoutotakeactiontoresolvetheconflictorgetthemtochangewhatthey'redoing,onlyaffectsyou.Especiallyifthereasonyou'regettingangryisbecausethey'should'bedoingsomethingelse,accordingtoyourmapandyourvalues.
Soifthere'ssomeoneouttherewhoyoureallydislike-itcouldbeaneighbour,orapublicfigure,oraclosefamilymember-trythisexercise:
a)Thinkofthatperson-seetheminyourmind'seye.Noticehowyoufeel,withoutgettingsuckedintothefeeling.Observethefeelingfromadistance,knowingthatitwillpasslikeeveryotherthoughtandfeeling.b)Brieflyputyourselfinthatperson'sshoes,havinghadtheirupbringing,seeingtheworldastheyseeit.c)Nowcomebacktoyourselfandlookatthatpersonagain,andsaytoyourself:"Justlikeme,theyaredoingthebesttheycan."Noticeanychangesinhowyoufeel.Andbringeverythingthatyou'velearnedbackwithyouasyoucomebacktonormalawareness.
Chapter3Peoplehavealltheresourcestheyneedtosucceed
Ifyouaremanagingsomeone,orteachingthem,orcoachingthem,thispresuppositionmatters,becauseyourexpectationsofwhotheyareandwhattheyarecapableofwillactuallyinfluencetheirperformance.
"PygmalionintheClassroom"
Studieshavebeensupportingthisideafordecades.Inthe1960s,HarvardpsychologyprofessorRobertRosenthalsetupanexperimentwhereelementaryschoolteachersweretoldthatcertainchildrenwerelikelytoshowsignsofaspurtinintellectualdevelopment.Sureenough,attheendoftheyear,thechildrenintheexperimentalgroupshowedasignificantgaininIQpointsoverthecontrolgroup-butinfact,thechildrenhadbeenselectedatrandom!Theonlydifferencewastheteachers'expectations.
What'smore,whenchildrenintheso-called'lowertrack'startedtoshowunexpectedsignsofintellectualimprovement,theirteacherevaluationsmarkedthemdownonthingslike'personaladjustment','happiness'and'affectionate'.
Similarresultshavebeenreproducedinhighereducation,inmanagement,andevenwithresearchers'expectationsoflaboratoryanimals.Thelessonisthatifyouareteaching,ormanaging,orcoachingsomeone,yourexpectationsoftheirpotentialwillbecomeself-fulfillingprophesies,especiallyiftheylookuptoyouandrespectyou.Thisisalsotrueofyourexpectationsofyourself.Expectthebest,andyouwillbemorelikelytogetit.
Resourcefulandunresourcefulstates
Anotherwayofputtingthispresuppositionisthattherearenounresourcefulpeople,onlyunresourcefulstates.Weallhaveamazingandtremendouslycapablebrains,capableoflogic,planningandrationaldecisions.Yourbraincontainsaroundabillionneurons,orbraincells,andI'mreliablyinformedthatthetotalnumberofpotentialpathwaysthroughthebrainisintheregionof3x
10^5,000,000,000-ormorethanthetotalnumberofatomsintheknownuniverse.
Thecerebralcortex,whichisthewrinklysurfacethatyouseeinanydiagramofthebrain,isthepartofthebrainthatdoesthatrationalthinking;ineachoneofus,ithastheabilitytolookatthingsfromdifferentperspectives,makenewconnections,reframeevents,andputthingsintoperspective.That'showwenormallygetovershocksandupsets,andalsohowwegetnewideas.
Justbecausewehavetheseamazingbrains,itdoesn'tmeanwealwaysusethem.RememberwhenMikeTysonbitoffpartofEvanderHolyfield'searintheWBAHeavyweightBoxingchampionshipin1997?OrwhenZinedineZidaneheadbuttedMarcoMaterazziinthe2006WorldCupfinal,quiteprobablyleadingtohisteamlosing?Oranyincidentofroadrage?
Aswellasthecerebralcortex,wealsohaveolderpartsofthebrainthatprocessfightorflightresponsesandemotions-sometimesknownasthelizardbrainandthehorsebrainrespectively,becausethestructuresareprettysimilarinusandotheranimals.Whenweareinthegripofastrongemotionlikerageorpanic,thethinkingpartofthebrainprettymuchshutsdown,andpeoplethinkandactlikeacorneredanimal.Theyforgetaboutnuancesandadoptingdifferentviewpointsandseethingsinanall-or-nothing,blackandwhiteway."Strongemotionsmakeusstupid"asneuroscientistJosephLeDouxpointsout.
Soitdoesn'tmatterhowintelligentorcapablesomeoneis-iftheyareinanunresourcefulstate,theywon'tbeabletogettheresultstheywant.NLPgivesyoupracticalwaysofaccessingresourcefulstates,andsobeingabletogettheresultsyouwant.
That'seasyforyoutosay...
Nowsomereadersmaybethinking"'Everyonehasalltheresourcestheyneedtosucceed'-that'seasyforauniversity-educatedmiddle-agedwhiteguytosay.Somepeoplereallydon'thaveachancebecauseofsocialconditions."Thethingis,nomatterwhatrestrictionsofclass,wealth,genderordisabilityyoucareto
name,youwillfindsomeonewhohastranscendedthem-whetherit'sNelsonMandelacomingbackfrom18yearshardlabouronRobbenIsland,andatotalof27yearsinprison,tobecomepresidentofSouthAfricaandguidethecountrypeacefullythroughthetransitionfromwhiteminorityrule;orJKRowlingmovingfromsinglemotheronbenefitstomulti-millionairebest-sellingauthorwithinfiveyears;orHelenKeller,leftdeafandblindbyanillnessshecontractedat19months,whowentontobecometheauthorof12publishedbooks,thefirstdeafblindpersontoearnaBachelorofArtsdegree,andoneofthemostadmiredpeopleofthe20thCentury.
Peoplearenotlimitedtotheresourcesjustwithinthemselves.Howwouldyouliketoworkinadangerousenvironment,12hoursaday,sixdaysaweek,withnopaidleave,andbepaidjustenough-ifyou'relucky-tosurvive?Thatwasthecommonexperienceofindustrialworkersinthewesternworldinthe19thCentury,andisstillthecaseformanyofthepeopleinpoorercountrieswhomakeyourclothesandconsumergoodstoday
Individually,thosepeoplehadveryfewresources.Collectively,whentheyorganisedintounions,theywerestrong,andgradually,withalotofdeterminationandhardwork,theywrungconcessionsfromtheiremployersthatledtothemorehumaneandproductiveworkingconditionsweenjoytoday.
Becauseofwhereitstarted(America)andthepersonalitiesoftheoriginaldevelopers,NLPhasalwayshadastrongemphasisonindividualresponsibility.Andtherearealotofcollectiveresourcesavailableouttherewaswell.Together,wecanachievemorethanwecanworkingindividually,and,inthewordsofDouglasMerrill,formerChiefInformationOfficerofGoogle,allofusaresmarterthananyofus.So-ifandwhenyouneedit-wherecanyoufindadditionalresources,ofinformation,ideas,help,andemotionalsupport,fromyourfriends,family,workmates,andthewidersocietyaroundyou?
Justasinthe'PygmalionintheClassroom'experiment,whenpeoplethinkofthemselvesorothersaslimited,theyruntheriskofputtingartificialceilingsonwhattheycanachieve.Startfromthepresuppositionthatpeoplehaveallthe
resourcestheyneedtosucceed,andyoumakesuccessmuchmorelikely.
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Discoverwhat'salreadyworkingandbuildonit
Sinceyouremotionalstateinfluenceshowmuchofyourresourcesyoucanaccess,itmakessensetorememberandinquireintothetimeswhenthingswentwellifyou'rewantingtoimproveyourperformance.ThisisoneaspectofamethodcalledAppreciativeInquiry,whichsharesalotofassumptionswithNLP.
Ifthere'ssomethingyouwanttoimproveaboutyourperformanceinaparticulararea,andnothingelsehasworked,trythis-eithergetafriendtoaskyouthesequestions,orifyou'reonyourown,writeyouranswers:
a)Tellmeaboutyourbesttimeinthisarea,atimethatyouperformedbetterthanusual,youfeltaliveandengaged,andyoulearnedsomethingpositiveaboutyourself.b)What'simportanttoyouaboutthisstory?c)Whatwasitaboutthatsituation,aboutthepeoplearoundoraboutyou,thatmadethisbetterperformancepossible?d)Ifyouhadonewishforthefutureaboutthisarea,whatwoulditbe?
2.Transferresourcesfromothercontexts
Whatskillsorqualitieshaveyoushowninotherareasofyourlifethatcouldhelpyouintheareasyouwanttoimprove?
3.Whoareyouwhenyouareatyourbest?
Askyourselfthisquestion,orgetafriendwhoisagoodlistenertoaskyou,andseewhatcomesup.Youmaysurpriseyourself,andyouwillprobablydiscoveradeeperconnectiontoyourtrueselfandpurpose.
4.Askotherpeopletofindthestrengthsyou'vemissed
Sincewetendtotakeourownstrengthsforgranted:whatdootherpeoplesay
yourstrengthsare,evenifyouthinkit'snobigdealyourself?
5.You'renotalone
Whoelse,andwhereelse,canyougethelpfrom?
6.Getintotherightstatefirst
Again,sinceyouhaveaccesstomoreofyourresourceswhenyou'reinapositiveemotionalstate,whatcouldyoudotogetyourselfintotherightstatebeforeyoutacklesomethingimportant?(hint:takingamomenttopauseandcentreyourselfisusuallyagoodidea)
7.RememberthePygmalionEffect.
Ifyou'remanaging,coaching,orteachingsomeoneelse,rememberthattheyhavealltheresourcestheyneed.Ifyou'veputalabelonthemof'stupid',or'lazy',or'negative',rememberthatthisactsasafilteronyourperceptionoftheirperformance,soittendstobecomeaself-fulfillingprophecy.Sorememberthattheyhavealltheresourcestheyneed,andactivelylookforevidencethatchallengesyourexistingjudgementofthem.Youmaybepleasantlysurprisedbyanimprovementintheirperformance.
Chapter4Iaminchargeofmymind,andthereforemyresults
Thisisessentiallyabouttakingresponsibilityforyourownactions,andfindingwaystobethebestyoucan.Ifyouhavealltheresourcesthatyouneed,ifmindandbodyareonesystem,andifyourstateisaresponsetoyourinternalrepresentationoftheworld,thenyoucanputyourselfinthebeststatetogetresultsbywhatyoudoandthewaythatyouthink.
CauseandEffect
Ashumanbeings,wetendtoseetheworldintermsofcauseandeffectequations.Ifsomethingwedoconsistentlygetsacertainresult,wesaythatouractioncausesthatresult.Ifoneeventisconsistentlyfollowedbyanother,westartbelievingthatthefirsteventcausesthesecond.
Thisisausefulwayoflookingatthingswhenappliedtosimplerelationshipsbetweeninanimateobjects:youkickafootball,andthatcausesittoflyintothebackofthenet.Anengineerwhoknowsthemassofthefootball,thespeedandangleatwhichyoukickit,andthewindspeed,couldprettymuchpredictexactlywheretheballisgoingtoendup.Thisideaisknownas'determinism':ifyouknowtheinitialconditions,youcanpredictexactlywhat'sgoingtohappennext.Itallhappenspredictably,likeclockwork.
Thatdeterministicworldviewisnotsousefulwhenappliedtolivingthings:ifyoukickagorilla,what'sthegorillagoingtodo?Theansweris-whateveritwantsto.Itcouldignoreyouandstaystill,itcouldobliginglyscootalongthegroundandintothegoalmouth;or,itcouldpickyouupandthrowyouintothebackofthenet.There'salotgoingoninthegorilla'sinternalprocessingbetweentheinitialevent(yourkick)andtheendresult.
Determinismisevenlessusefulwhenappliedtohumanbeings.Ifeverythingwasdeterminedbywhathashappenedpreviously,thenfreewillwouldbeanillusion,andourdestinieswouldbepredeterminedbyoursituations,ourupbringing,andourgenes.Wewoulddefinitelybeplacingourselvesatthe
'effect'endoftheequation.Incontrast,whenyoumovetothe'cause'sideoftheequation,youbelieve'I
canmakeadifference;Icanmakethingshappen;IamresponsibleforhowIfeelandforwhereIam'.InanswertoNLPco-founderRichardBandler'squestionof"Who'sdrivingthebus?",youcansay"Iam!".
Puttingyourself'atcause'isabouttakingresponsibility-recognisingthatyouhavetheability,the'responseability',torespond,ratherthanjustreact,towhateverlifethrowsatyou.Youcanmakethingshappen;youhavethepowertochangethings;the'locusofcontrol',aspsychologistscallit,iswithinyouratherthanoutsideofyou.
Ifyouthinkthe'cause'endoftheequationsoundslikeabetter,moreexciting,moreempoweringplacetobethanthe'effect'end,Iagreewithyou.Youmayhavenoticedhowmanypeopledoseemtoplacethemselvesat'effect'.TheideathatotherpeopleareresponsibleforhowwefeelandactisevenbuiltintotheEnglishlanguage:"Hemademeangry"or"Sheupsetme".Eveninanimateobjectscanapparentlydoit-takeforexampleacarnotstarting:"Thisfaultystartermotorisreallywindingmeup!"
Whenpeoplethinklikethis,theyareacceptingabeliefthatemotionsarethingswhichjusthappentous,orthatotherpeoplecauseinus.Sotheyactasiftheyhavenoresponsibilityforwhattheyfeel.Sometimestheyevenbelievethatotherpeopleareevenresponsibleforwhattheydo.Ihadaclientoncewhowantedhelpwithmanaginghisanger.Ifanothermanlookedathiminacertainway,hebelievedthathehadnochoicebuttohithim-abeliefthathadeventuallylandedhimincourt.
So,peoplewhoplacethemselvesatthe'effect'endoftheequation-andfromwhatIseethisismostpeople,mostofthetime-areineffectsaying"IamnotresponsibleforwhatIfeelorhowIreact;everyoneelseis."Theyhavegiventheirpoweraway.Somehow,thoseotherpeople-oreveninanimateobjects,inthecaseofcashmachinesthatwon'tpayoutorcarsthatwon'tstart-havecausedthereleaseofcertainchemicalscalledneuropeptideswithinthatperson's
bodywhichfitintotheappropriatereceptorsinthesurfaceoftheirbraincellsand"cause"themtofeelacertainway.That'squiteadegreeofcontrol,especiallyifit'salumpofmetaldoingit.
Thingsgetevenstrangeratthe'effect'endoftheequation:whenpeoplearethere,theybelievethattheynotresponsibleforyourownemotions,buttheyare,apparently,responsibleforeveryoneelse's.Thatmeanstheygettofeelguiltywheneversomeoneelsesays"You'vereallyupsetme!"Sincemostpeopledon'tlikefeelingguiltyandwillgotosomelengthstoavoidit,thatmeanstheotherpersonhasawayofmanipulatingthem,justbysaying"You'vemademefeelbad".
We'veallbeenthere.Astimulusortrigger(whatevertheotherperson,orobject,did)isfollowed,apparentlyinstantly,bytheemotionalresponse.Thishappenssoquicklythatitfeelslikeonecausestheother.
Nowactually,asthelateStephenCoveypointsoutinhisbook"SevenHabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople",there'salotgoingonbetweenthestimulusandtheresponse.Thestimuluscouldbewhatthatotherpersondoes,orsomethingtheysay,orthetoneofvoiceinwhichtheysayit,orthelookontheirface.
Inorderforittoregisterasastimulusatall,yourmindhastointerpretitassomethingthreatening,provokingorguiltinducing,probablybymatchingittothememoriesofpreviousbadexperiencesthatitmightremindyouof.Youhavetoevaluatetheincomingsensoryinformationinthelightofyourexistingbeliefsystem.Maybeyouhavetotellyourselfsomethingaboutthestimulusthatlabelsitascheeky,insolent,aggressive,orinappropriate,beforeyougettofeelthebademotionalresponse.
Allthishappensatanunconsciouslevel,inafractionofasecond-andthemoretimesyoudoit,thequickerithappens.Likeanythingelse,yougetbetterwithpractice-yourbrainformsnewneuralpathwayswhicharewidenedandstrengthenedwitheveryrepetition,sothemessagetosetofftheresponsecanwhipalongthemfasterandfaster.You'renotconsciouslyawareofthisprocess.
Asaresult,itreallydoesfeellikethestimulusiscausingthenextthingyou'reawareof-theunresourcefulemotionalresponse.
ThepsychologistViktorFranklwasimprisonedinAuschwitzandotherconcentrationcampsforfiveyears.Inthatsituationhesawtheworstofhumanityinthebehaviouroftheguards.Manyofhisfellowprisonersgaveup,oractedasiftheyhadabandonedallhumanfeelinginthestruggletosurvive,aswewouldexpectinsuchaterriblepredicament.ButFranklobservedotherprisonerswho,despitebeingintheworstplaceintheworld,werestillabletofindmeaningintheirlivesandcouldstillactwithkindnessandcourage.WhathesawofthebestandworstinpeopleinthecampsinspiredhimtomoveawayfromFreud'sbeliefthatthedrivingforcesofouractionsareinstinctsandurges;instead,hecametobelievethatman'sdeepestdesireistosearchformeaningandpurpose.LaterhewrotethegreatbookMan'sSearchforMeaning,inwhichhesays"Betweenstimulusandresponsethereisaspace.Inthatspaceisourpowertochooseourresponse.Inourresponseliesourgrowthandourfreedom."
Followingonfromthatidea,StephenCoveysays"Qualityoflifedependsonwhathappensinthespacebetweenstimulusandresponse".WhatNLPwillgiveyouissomepracticalwaystochoosewhathappensbetweenstimulusandresponse-andthemoreyouexerciseanddevelopthatchoice,themoreyourfreedomtochooseincreases,andthemoreyoumoveovertothe'cause'sideoftheequation.
Theotherthingthat'sworthnoticingaboutcauseandeffectisthis:whensomeoneisattheeffectendoftheequation,itmakesthemlesseffectiveatdealingwiththecurveballsthatlifeoccasionallythrowsatus.Ifsomeonesaysordoessomethingunpleasanttoapersonat'effect',thequestionsthatpersonaskstomakesenseofwhat'shappenedareprobablygoingtostartwith"Why?""Whyaretheybeingsohorribletome?Whydoesthisalwayshappentome?"Thequestion"why"focusestheirattentiontowardsthepast;ifyoubelievethatwhereyouarenowiscausedentirelybyexternalforces,yourupbringing,andyourgenes,thenofcoursetheyaregoingtolookforpastcausesinorderto
understandtheproblem.Incontrast,whenyouplaceyourselfatcause,andsomethinghappensthat
youdon'tlike,whatkindofquestionsareyoulikelytobeaskingyourselfasyoustarttomakesenseofwhat'shappened?Theyaremorelikelytobequestionssuchas:"What'sgoingonhere?Howhasthiscomeabout?WhatcanIdotochangethings?"oreven"WhatdoIwantinsteadofthisinthefuture?"
Ratherthanfocusingonthepast,thatbyitsnatureisoverwithanddone,thequestionsyouaskwhenyouare'atcause'focusyourattentiononwhat'shappeningnow,whereyoucanactuallydosomethingtomakeadifference,andonwhatyouwanttochangeinthefuture.Theyfocusonsolutionsratherthanthedetailsofproblems,andwithanychallengeexcepttheverysimplestones,theyaremorehelpfultogettowhereyouwanttobe.
Ofcourse,I'mnotsuggestingthatputtingyourselfatcausewillmakeyourlifeperfect;you'restillgoingtoencounterchallengesalongtheway.Butthemoreyouplaceyourselfatcause,themoreresourcefulandeffectiveyouwillbeinmeetingthem,andthemoreyouwilllearnfromovercominganychallenge.It'samuchmoreempoweringplacetobe.
Choices
Inprincipleyoucanovercomeanylimitation;ofcourse,thisdoesn'tmeanthatitwillalwaysbeeasy,orthatyouwon'tdecidethattheenergyittakestoovercomealimitationwouldbebetterusedelsewhere.Youalwayshaveachoice.
Youarealsoinchargeofimprovingyourmind,soyoucangetbetterresultsinthefuture.Youhaveachoiceaboutwhatyoulearnaboutandhowyouspendyourtime.Justasanexample,someonewhohaswatchedeveryepisodeof'Eastenders'hasgivenover2,300hoursoftheirlifesofartolearningaboutthenotoriouslydepressinglivesoffictionalcharactersinasoapopera.Isthatthebestuseoftheirtime?They,likeyou,hadachoice.
Intheend,itcomesdowntoRichardBandler'squestion-"Who'sdrivingthebus?"
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Ifsomethinghappensthatyoudon'tlike...
Askyourself"What'sgoingonhere?WherecanImakeadifference?WhatdoIwantinsteadofthisinthefuture?"
2.Identifywhatyouwouldlikemoreofinyourlife,andwhatyouwouldlikelessof
Ifnothingchangedinyoursituation,whatchangescouldyoumakeinyouractionsandwhatyoupayattentiontothatwouldstartimprovingthings?Whatareyougivingyourtime,attentionorenergytowhichcouldbebetterspentelsewhere?Examplesmightbe-moneyspentonadailypaperorcapuccino,timespentonsocialnetworksorwatchingTV,attentiongiventoproblemsandcomplaintswhileyourachievementsandthethingsyouloveareignored.
3.Ifyou'reblamingsomeoneelseforproblemsinyourlife...
Askyourself:"WhatisthemostusefulthingIcandoaboutthisnow?"and"WhatwouldhappenifItakeresponsibility?"
4.Inanysituationatall...
Askyourself:"What'stherightthingtodo?"
5.Ifyou'reeveranxious,stressedorunhappy...
Askyourself:"WhatamImostresistingdoingrightnow?"
6.Whenfacingachallenge...
Askyourself:"WhatdoIneedtodotoputmyselfinthebeststatetohandlethis?"
7.Ifyou'refeelinguninspiredoryou'reputtingoffdoingsomething...
Askyourself:"What'sthesmallestthingIcandorightnowtomovetowardswhereIwanttobe?"
Manyofthesemakegreatcoachingquestionsaswell.
Chapter5Theonlyreliableinformationaboutapersonistheirbehaviour
Haveyouevertriedtocomplimentsomeoneandthey'vetakenitthewrongway?Orhadsomeonetellyou"Nowjustcalmdown"whenyouweren'tactuallyannoyed(ornotuntiltheytoldyoutocalmdownanyway)?
What'shappeningthereisthatthepersonhastakensomethingthatthey'venoticedaboutwhatyou'redoing,interpreteditthroughtheirownmentalfilters,andcometothewrongconclusionaboutyourintentions,oraboutwhatyouarethinkingandfeeling.InNLP,thisisknownas'mind-reading'-theycan'tactuallyreadyourmind,buttheyareactingasiftheycan.
Prettymucheveryonedoesthatfromtimetotime.Infact,ourunconsciousmindsaremostlyprettygoodatreadingnonverbalsignalsandusingthatinformationtoguessatsomeone'sstate,soyoucangetanideaofwhattheymightdonext,whentobackoff,whenisagoodtimetoaskthemforsomething,andsoon.
However,ourperceptionsarenotinfallible.Sometimes,becauseourfiltersdelete,distortandgeneraliseincominginformation,orbecausewemightprojectunrecognisedemotionsofourownontotheotherperson,wegetitwrong.
Goingbacktothepersonwhotellsyoutocalmdownwhenyou'renotannoyed:ifyoutellthemthatactuallyyouarecalm,andtheyrefusetobelieveit,trustingtheirownintuitionovertheevidence,andcontinuetoinsistthatyouareangry,whatwouldyouthinkofthem?Thechancesarethatyouwouldn'tplacemuchtrustintheirjudgement,sincetheydon'tseemtohaveafeedbacklooptoupdatetheirfirstimpressionwithnewinformation.
Theymightgoontotellyouthattheyareaveryintuitivepersonandtheyareneverwrongabouthowapersonisfeeling.Wouldyoubelievethem,andstartthinking'Ohactually,Imustbeangry,eventhoughI'mnotawareoffeelinganger"?
Itseemsunlikely.Butyoumightwanttocheckyourbodylanguage,justin
case.Ifyoufindthatyourfistsareclenched,andyourteetharegritted,andyoulookinthemirrorandfindyouarefrowningintensely,youmightmodifyyouropiniononwhetheryouareshowingangerornot.Theevidenceofhowyouarebehavingwouldleadyoutoupdateyourfirstimpressionofhowyouwerefeeling.
Sometimeswehumanbeingsarenotveryself-aware-ifourattentionisfocusedelsewhere,wemaynotknowhowwearefeeling.Also,mostofthetime,wearen'tawareoftherealreasonswhywedothings.
ThepsychologistJonathanHaidt,inhisilluminatingbookTheHappinessHypothesis,likensthemindtoanelephantwitharider.Therider-ourconsciousself-thinksheisincontrol,andthatheistellingtheelephantwhattodo.Actuallytheelephant-whichis,essentially,ourunconsciousmind,makesmostofthedecisions.Ifyou'veeverwantedwithallyourwillpowertostopsmoking,butstillfoundyourselflightingup,youwillknowwhatImean.
Becausewewanttofeellikeweareconsistent,theriderwillmakeupreasonsaftertheeventtoexplainwhattheelephanthasdone.Theseareusuallyunrelatedtotherealreasons.Theriderisn'tlying-hereallybelievesinthosemadeupreasons.Theyjustusuallyaren'ttherealones.
Soifyouhaveaproblemwithsomeoneactingacertainway,askingthem"Why?"willprobablynotgetyoumuchusefulinformation.Evenassumingtheyaren'ttryingtoexcuseorjustifytheirbehaviour,andtheyactuallywanttogiveyouanhonestanswer,whattheywillgiveyouistherider'sexplanation-whichprobablywon'tbetherealone.
Sotheonlyreliableinformationaboutapersonistheirbehaviour.Ifyouweretorelyjustonyourintuitionsabouttheirthoughtsandfeelings,youmightberightmostofthetime,butoccasionallyyouwouldbemistakenbecauseofthedeletion,distortionandgeneralisationimposedbyyourmentalfilters.Youneedtoupdateyouropinionswithwhatyouobserveoftheirbehaviour.
Ifyouweretorelyonwhattheytellyouabouttheirthoughts,feelingsandintentions,youwouldbegettingtherider'sstory,whichmightbearnorelationto
theirrealmotivations.Soit'sbehaviourthatactuallycounts.Thesameappliestoyou-theonly
reliableinformationaboutyouiswhatyouactuallydo.
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Don'task'Why?'
Ifyou'reaimingtogetsomeonetochangetheirbehaviour,don'task'Why?'-itwon'tgetyouusefulinformationandmayendupentrenchingthebehaviour.
2.Don't"Mind-read"
Checkyourguessesaboutotherpeople'sthoughts,feelingsandmotivationsagainsttheiractualbehaviour.Don't"mind-read"(actingasifyouhavecertainknowledgeofsomeoneelse'sinteriorworld).
3.Labellingaproblemmayconcealvitalinformation
Ifyou'reatherapist,counsellor,coach,orconsultant,don'tassumethatadiagnosisorlabelofyourclient'sproblemisallthat'sgoingon.
The'presentingproblem'-whatisapparenttotheclientortoyouatfirstsight-maybejustasymptomoftheunderlyingproblem.Equally,itmaybejustonesmallaspectofthepresentingproblemthatneedstochange.Findoutwhattheclientisactuallydoing-their'strategyforhavingtheproblem'aswetermitinNLP-andletthatsuggestappropriatechanges.
4.What'syourstandardmethodfordecidingwhethertotrustsomeone?
Neithergivingyourfulltrustautomatically,norautomaticallydenyingtrust,isagoodidea.Givepeopleopportunitiestobetrustworthyinsmallstepssoyoucangraduallybuildupdeservedtrust.
5.Applythisprincipletoyourself
Whathappenswhenyouapplytheideathatbehaviouristheonlyreliableinformationtoyourself?Isyourbehaviouralwaysconsistentwithyourself-image,andwhatyousayandbelieveyourvaluestobe?Takeamomenttolook
activelyforcounter-examples,timeswhenyoudidnotactasyouliketothinkyouwould.Whathaveyoulearnedfromtheseoccasions,andhowwillyoubehavedifferentlyinsimilarwaysinthefuture?
Chapter6Mindandbodyareonesystem
Let'sconsideranotherfundamentalpresuppositionofNLP-thatMindandBodyareonesystem.Yourbody,ofcourse,isononelevelaphysicalobject.Ithasapositioninspace,it'sacertainheight,ithasacertainweightunderEarth'sgravitationalconditions,andsoon.Yourmind,ontheotherhand,isnotinaparticularphysicallocation,hasnodimensionsorweight,andseemsnon-physicalineverymeaningfulway.
Sophilosophersdowntheageshavewrestledwiththequestionofhowthisimmaterialmindorspiritcontrolsthephysicalbody-orisittheotherwayround?Thisquestionisknownasthe'mind-body'problem,andIdon'tthinktheyaregoingtoresolveitanytimesoon.
InNLPwecanlookatMindandBodyinanotherway,onethatmakesthatproblemirrelevant.Mindandbodyareonesystem.Thereareflowsofinformationexchangedbetweenbodyandbrainatvariousdifferentlevels-it'sallinformationflows.Atonelevelweexperiencetheseasthoughtsandfeelings;atamorephysicallevel,theinformationiscarriedbyelectricalimpulsesalongneurons,byneurotransmittersmigratingacrosssynapticgaps,andbyprotein-likemoleculescalledneuropeptidesthatcommunicateinformationandregulatevarioussystemsinthebody.
There'saconstant,multilevel,multiwayconversationgoingonbetweenbodyandmind.Nowsincewehavebrain-typecells(neurons)inotherplacesthanjustthebrain-intheheartandthegut,forexample-there'snohardandfastboundarybetweenthemindandthebody.
Mosttraditionalsystemsofmedicine,suchasAyurvedainIndiaandTraditionalChineseMedicine,recognisedthismind-bodylink.Untilthemiddleofthelastcentury,Westernmedicinedidn't-untilresearchersstartedtodiscovercertainlinks.So,forexample,inthe1960sHerbertBenson,aprofessoratHarvardMedicalSchool,discoveredthatmeditationandtherelaxationresponse
couldreducebloodpressure.Laterstudieshaveshownthatstressandemotionscanaffecttheimmunesystem,resistancetoinfectiousdiseases,andwoundhealing.
Ifyouwanttolearnmoreaboutthis,bytheway,thebookMoleculesofEmotionbyCandacePert,aneuroscienceresearcherwhodiscoveredtheopiatereceptorinbraincells.
It'snotaone-waylinkfrommindtobody.Forexample,studiesinthelastfewyearshaveshownthatcontrarytothestereotypeofthe'dumbjock',aerobicexerciseimprovesmentalfocus-andevengrowsnewbraincellsintheareaofthebrainthatcontrolslearningandmemory,somethingthatwasthoughttobeimpossibleuptothemid-90s.Thegreatthingaboutthediscoveryofmoreandmorepiecesinthemind-bodypuzzleisthatitidentifiesmoreandmorewaysinwhichyoucanmakeadifferencetoyourhealth,youremotionalwell-being,andtheresultsyouget.Wearenowherenearbeingabletocompletelyuseourmindstokeepourbodiesinperfecthealth-andviceversa-contrarytowhatsomeself-helpgurusmightclaim,butwearebeginning,bitbybit,tomoveinthatdirection.
Whatitcomesdowntoisthis:howyourbodyis-itsstateofhealth,howyoustand,howyoubreathe,thewayyoumove,whatyoueat-affectsyourmindandemotions,andviceversa.Forexample,it'simpossibleforyourmindtobecalmifthemusclesofyourbodyareconstantlytensed,andit'sveryhardtobestressedifyourbodyisfullyrelaxed.
It'seasytoexperiencethemind-bodylinkinpractice.Trythisquickexperiment:1. Slumpoverandlookatyourfeet.Now,trytorememberatimewhenyou
werehappy,excitedandfullofenergy....2. Now,standup,lookup,andthrowyourarmswide-andtrytoremembera
timethatwasquiteboring,greyandmiserable....Noticewhathappened.I'mguessingthatitwasnoteasytoremembera
happytimewhenyouwereslumpedover,andalsonoteasytobringtominda
dull,miserabletimewhenyouwerestandingupandlookingupinaposturethatusuallymeans'exultation'.
Ourmindsandemotionsareembodied-ortoputitanotherway,mindandbodyareonesystem.Ifwedidn'thavehuman-shapedbodies,ourlanguageandtheconceptsweusetothinkwithwouldbeverydifferent.
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Areyoutakingenoughbreaksatwork?
Mostpeoplefindthattheyworkbetterandfeellessstressediftheytakeregularbreaksduringtheworkingday.However,thestressedindividualmayfeeluncomfortableandguiltyabouttakingbreaks,evenwhentheyadmitthattheirusualdrivenworkpatternsarecausingthemstress("buttheworkjustwon'tgetdone").Researchisbeginningtoestablishascientificbasisforcommon-senseadvice.
OurbodieshaveaBasicRestandActivityCycle,consistingof90-120minutesofactivityfollowedby20minutesofrest.Thiscyclecaneasilybestretchedordistorted,aswhentheindividualworksthroughthemorningwithouttakingabreak,skipslunch,orworkslate.However,ithasbeenfoundthatpeoplewhoserest-activitycycleremainsirregularforextendedperiodsdevelopstress-relatedsymptoms.
Therest-activitycycleinvolvesalternateshiftsindominancefromonesideofthebraintoanother.Whenwemovefromactivitytorest,theleftsideofthebrain(associatedwithlogic,sequence,details,analysis,calculationandlanguage-"workmode")givesupdominancetotherightside(associatedwithpatterns,intuition,andemotion-"relaxationmode").
Whilewecanforceourselvestoremaininworkmodeforlongperiods,therightsideofthebraineventuallyreassertsitself,leadingtoalossofconcentrationandincreasedtirednessanderrorrates.
It'snoaccidentthatworkplacesandschoolstraditionallybuiltmid-morningandmid-afternoonbreaksintotheirschedule;employersandschoolauthorities
foundthatpeopleworkbetterandthinkmoreclearlywithregularbreaks.Sometimesaclientwillsaytome"Thiswon'twork.I'lljusthavetoaddthe
timeontotheendofthedaysoI'mworkingevenlongerhours!"Actually,noyouwon't.Justbecauseyou'reatyourdesk,itdoesn'tmeanyou'redoingproductiveworkataconstantrate.Ifyou'reanythinglikeme,yougetfarmoredonewhenyou'refeelinggood,andfarlessdone(withmoremistakes)whenyou'retired.
Bytakingbreaksinthemiddleofthemorningandthemiddleoftheafternoon,gettingoutoftheworkplacealtogetheratlunchtime,andleavingworkatareasonabletimeintheevening,youcanimprovethequalityofyourworkandgetmoredoneinlesstime.Soevenifyouaren'tpreparedtodoitforthesakeofyourownhealthandsanity,youcantakebreakswithaclearconscience-becauseyouremployer(orclients,orcustomers)willbenefitaswell!
Whathappensifyoudon'ttakeaccountoftheneedsofyourmind-bodysystem?Typically,ifthe'arousalresponse'tostressfulsituationsisprolongedoverweeksormonths('chronicstress'),excessamountsofstresshormonesareproducedandfloodthesystem.Itseemsthatthecellsofthebodybegintoshutdownanddestroytheirreceptorsitesforthesehormones.Whenthereceptorsarebelowtheirnormallevelsthepersonwillexperiencewithdrawal-theymisstheadrenalinhighandthelevelsofarousalandperformancethatgowithit.Theywillbetemptedtoover-work,orusestimulants(sugar,caffeine,nicotineorotherdrugs)totrytoregainthehigh.
Overachieverscanbecomelockedintoaviciouscircleofever-increasinglevelsofactivityandstresshormones-untilthemind-bodysystem'crashes'anddevelopsphysicalsymptoms.Youcanavoidthis,andsustainhealthandhighperformanceindefinitely,bybeingawaretheneedsofyourmind-bodysystemtotakeregularbreaks.
Forfurtherreference,readTheWayWe'reWorkingIsn'tWorking:TheFourForgottenNeedsThatEnergizeGreatPerformancebyTonySchwartz
2.Exercise
Variousstudiesshowthatexerciseliftsyourmood.Wherecanyoubuildmoreexerciseintoyourlife?Youdon'thavetostarttrainingforamarathonifthatdoesn'tsuityou-evenwalkingabitmoreismassivelybetterthannothing.
3.Viewsymptomsasmessages
Noticeanyrecurringpatternsofhealthissuesinyourlife.Viewingsymptomsasannoyancestobeignored,orinmoreseverecasestobesuppressed,isthetraditionalWesternwayofcopingwithdisturbancesortransitionsinthemind-bodysystem.Peopleareencouragedtojustgetonwithit-whichuptoapointisgreatfromthepointofviewofgettingthingsdone,andworkstotheextentthatmanysymptomsdojustgoawaybythemselves.Wheresymptomspersist,though,weareencouragedtosuppressthem.
WhenIlivedinLondontherewereadvertisementsintheLondonsubwaysystemalongthelinesof"Hardday'swork?Headache?Takepainkillersandenjoyyourevening!"Inotherwords,headachesandsimilarsymptomswerepresentedassomethingtobeexpectedasnormalaftereveryworkingday.
It'sasifyou'rethekingofavastempire,andinafar-flungborderprovincethere'safamineorafloodthat'scausinghardship.Thepeopletrytodealwithitontheirown,buteventuallytheysendamessengertothekingtopleadforhelp.Andtheking...shootsthemessenger.
Timesarestillhardinthefarawayprovince,soeventuallytheysendatougher,hardertokillmessengerwhocangivetheking'sguardabitmoretrouble.Hebreaksintothethroneroom,buttheguardscuthimdownbeforehecandeliverthemessage.
Thisgoesonforsometime,withevertoughermessengersbeingsentinevergreaternumbers,andthekingjustrefusingtolistenandshootingthemessengersatincreasingcost.Eventually,theprovinceissodesperatethattheyraiseanarmyandrevolt.Andtheymarchonthecapitalandbesiegethepalace,sending
outagitatorstogettherestoftheempiretojointherevolt.Andwhathappensnext?Well,it'salittlelatebythatpoint,andthekingis
probablywishinghe'dlistenedtotheveryfirstmessenger,butifhe'ssmarthewillfinallyagreetolistentothemessage,andmakewhateverchangesneedtobemadetoputthingsrightforthestrickenprovince.
So,whatifyoulookedatphysicalsymptomsasmessagesfromyourbody,tryingtotellyousomething,ratherthanasannoyancestobegotridof?Ifthesymptomswereamessage,tryingtotellyousomething,whataretheytryingtotellyou?
"Fakeittillyoumakeit"-variousbitsofresearchhaveshownthatdeliberatelyadoptingcertainposturesorfacialexpressionswilltendtomakeyoufeelthewaythatisusuallyassociatedwiththisbodylanguage.Forexample,deliberatelysmilingreallydoesmakeyoufeelbetter-especiallyifyoualsoraiseyourcheekstoproducethecrinklingroundtheeyescharacteristicofagenuineor'Duchenne'smile.
Also,walkinglikeaconfidentpersonwillmakeyoufeelmoreconfident-worthrememberingifyouareonyourwaytoaninterview.
Contrarytowhatsome'motivationalgurus'tellyou,youdon'thavetofeelmassivelymotivatedbeforeyoutakeaction.Motivationtendstofollowaction,sotheimportantthingisjusttogetstarted.Ifthethoughtofdoingsomethingseemsoverwhelming,breakthetaskdownintosmallersteps,untiltakingthefirststepisano-brainer.You'llfindthatyouwillfeelmoremotivatedtotakethenextstep.
Finally,practisingyoga,dance,ormartialartssuchastaichioraikidowillhelptostrengthenthemind-bodylink,andreallyanyformofexerciseisbetterthannothing.
PrinciplesAboutCommunicationAndChange
"Outbeyondideasofwrongdoingandrightdoing,thereisafield.Iwillmeetyouthere."
-Jalalal-DinMuhammadRumi,Sufipoetandphilosopher(1207-1273)
"Believetherearenolimitsbutthesky"–MigueldeCervantes(1547-1616)
Nextwe'llconsidersixNLPpresuppositionsaboutcommunicationandmakingchanges.Thesewillcomeinusefulwithanykindofcommunication,orcoaching,ormanaging,whetherit'sanindividualoragroupthatyou'reworkingwith.
Chapter7Respectfortheotherperson'smodeloftheworld
Thisfollowsdirectlyfromtheideathateveryonehashisorherownmodeloftheworld.Ifyouwanttocommunicatewithsomeone,andespeciallyifyouwantthemtodosomethingorchangetheirmindsaboutsomething,youhavetostartfromwheretheyare.
Aquickandeasywaytodemotivateyouremployees
WhenIwasafairlyjunioremployeeinabigsoftwareconsultancy,weusedtohaveabigcompanyget-togethereveryyear.Itwasawelcomeopportunitytocatchupwithworkmates,asoftenwewouldbeworkingawayatfar-flungclientsitesformonths.Beforethegoodpart(aslap-upmealwithfreebar),we'dgatherinabighotelconferenceroomtohearaboutthegroup'ssuccesses,watchapresentationortwoonsomeinnovativeprojectthecompanywasinvolvedin,andfinallythebigbosswouldgetupandgiveusapeptalkabouthowgreatwewereandhowweneededtostaysmartandkeepworkinghard.
Idon'tremembermuchaboutthesespeeches-itwasover20yearsago-butonehasstuckinmymindeversinceasanexampleofwhatnottodo.Theclimaxoftheboss'sspeech-withlotsofflashyPowerpointtransitionsofcourse:"Soweneedtoinnovateandstayahead"hesaid"becausethat'showwe'llincreaseshareholdervalue."
Theapplausewassomewhatmuted.Shareholdervalue?Thatwasit?Thatwassupposedtobeourmotivationforworkinglonghoursandspendingmonthsawayfromhome?Personally,Ididn'tcareaboutshareholdervalue.Iwasanemployee,notashareholder.Atthatmoment,itfeltlikeIwasworkingfornoreasonatall,andIwasdemotivatedifanything.Why?Becausethebosshadnotputhimselfintheshoesofhisaudience.
Startfromwheretheotherpersonisstanding
Ifyouaretalkingtoengineers,thinklikeanengineer.Ifyou'retryingtogetthe
financedepartmenttoletyoubuyanewlaptop,don'tgoonabouthowtechnicallyadvanceditis-showthemthatitwillimproveyourproductivityandsavethemmoney.Ifyouarecoachingsomeone,don'tdemandthattheyditcheverythingtheybelievebeforetheycanstartimprovingtheirperformance.
Mostofall,ifyouareaimingtopersuadesomeonetochangetheirminds,youhavetostartfromwheretheyare.Don'texpectthemtojumpoutoftheirmapandjoinyouinyours.Whywouldthey?What'sinitforthem?
Youhavetostartwithseeingtheworldfromtheotherperson'spointofview.Inparticular,appealtotheirvalues.Whatyouthinkisimportantdoesn'tmattertothem.Iftheydon'tseeyourmessageasrelevanttowhattheyfeelisimportant,whywouldtheyevenbotherlistening?
'Resistance'isusuallyalackofrapport
Whenpeoplefeeltheirmapoftheworldisunderattack,theydigin,hardentheirattitudes,andresist.Thisisparticularlytrueif,unlikeyou,theyarenotawareofthedistinctionbetweenmapandterritory.Ofcoursetheyaregoingtoshutyououtandnotlisten-tothem,you'retalkingnonsenseandthreateningtheveryexistenceoftheirviewpoint.Atthispoint,theirprimaryobjectivebecomesnottochangetheirmind.
Whatfollowsfromthisisthatwhenaleader,oracoachortherapist,orasalespersonmeets'resistance',that'smostlikelyalackofrapport.Thisisn'taboutfancytrickstogetthepersonintorapportwithyou,it'saboutremovingtheobstaclestocommunication.Whenyouareinrapportwithacolleague,oraclient,oracustomer,youtakethingsatthepacethatworksforthem,usinglanguagethatappealsandmakessensetothem,andyouworkfromtheirmap,sotheyneverhavetothink"Hangon,thatisn'tright!"
Ifyouencounterresistancethroughlackofrapport,thefirstthingyoushoulddoispaymoreattention.
Theneedtobe"right"
Iwanttotalkbrieflyabout"winning"argumentsandtheneedtobe"right".Whenyouseesomeoneattemptingto"win"anargumentbygrandstanding,orscoringpointsofftheir"opponent",therealmessagetheyaregivingoutis"Iamapoorcommunicator".Evenifthey"win"theargument-inotherwords,they'veworntheotherpersondownsotheyshutup-whattheyaredoinginthelongtermisstoringupresentmentandhardeningtheotherperson'sattitudes.
Onlywhenyoustartfromotherperson'smapdoyougivethemachancetostartfindingtheirwayfromwheretheyaretowhereyouwouldlikethemtobe.
Thisdoesn'tmeangivingupyourmapandadoptingtheirsastrue-itjustmeansrespectingtheirmapandworkingwithit.
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
Ifyouintendtogetsomeonetochangetheirmindaboutsomething,trythisthoughtexperiment:
1.Putyourselfintheshoesofyourintendedaudience
'Become'theotherperson,ina'methodacting'kindofway,asmuchasyoucan.Now,stayinginthecharacterofyourintendedaudience,askyourselfthesequestions:
What'simportanttomeaboutthistopic?(PeopletrainedinNLPwillrecognisethisasaquestiontoelicitaperson'svalues)What'smostimportanttomeaboutthistopic?WhatdoIfeelmoststronglyabout?WhatdoIalreadybelieveaboutthistopic?(actuallyyouraudienceprobablythinksintermsof"WhatdoIknowtobetrueaboutthistopic?")
2.Nowcomebacktoyourself
Bringbackeverythingthatyou'velearnedfromthatexercise(whilerememberingthatit'sonlyguesswork-youstillneedtocheckyourintuitions
againstyouraudience'sactualbehaviour,sincebehaviouristheonlyreliableevidenceaboutaperson).
Inthelightofthattentativeinformation,askyourselfthesequestions:Whatknowledgeisassumedinordertomakesenseofyourargument?Doesyouraudienceactuallyhavethisknowledge?Ifnot,howwillyougetthatinformationacrosstotheminabelievableway?
3.Doesyourmessagefitwithyouraudience'sbeliefsystems?
Whatvaluesandbeliefsdoesyourargumentappealto?Whatemotionsareyouaimingtoevoke?Arethesevaluesandbeliefssharedbyyouraudience?Howareyougoingtopreframeyourargumenttoappealtotheirexistingvalues?
4.Establishingcredibility
Isthereanythinginyourargumentthatseemswrongorwillnotmakesensetoyouraudience?Ifso,changeit.Areyouusinganyjargonthatwillalienateyouraudienceorseemlikeyou'retalkingdowntothem?Ifso,changeit.And-thisisparticularlytrueinbusinesssituationslikepitchesandpresentations-fromtheirpointofview,howcredibleareyouasaspeakeronthistopic?Howwillyouestablishyourcredibility?
5.Gettingbeyondpersuasion
Finally,andthisgoesbeyondpersuasionoradvocacyandintoopennessandlearning,whatcanyoutakefromtheirmapoftheworldtoenrichyours?Whatcanyoulearnfromtheconversation?
Chapter8The"meaning"ofcommunicationistheresponseyouget
Haveyoueverpaidsomeoneacompliment,andthey'vetakenitasaput-down?Haveyoueversaidsomethingintendedtomakesomeonelaugh,andthey'vetakenitasahurtfulcomment?Haveyouevertriedtomakethatkindofsituationbetter,andjustfoundthatyou'rejustdiggingyourselfdeeper?
Howtodestroyyourbusinessintwominutes
Let'stakeariches-to-ragsexample.In1991GeraldRatnerwasasuccessfulbusinessmanwhohadtransformedhisfamily'sjewellerybusinessfromaratherstuffy,oldfashionedretailertoaverysuccessfulchainwithabranchonnearlyeveryhighstreet.Heshockedthejewelleryindustrybyputtingupfluorescentorangepostersadvertisingcut-pricebargainsand"3for2"offers.Theshopswerekindoftackybutthepubliclovedit,andthechainexpandedrapidly.
Theneverythingchanged.Asahigh-profileretailwizard,hewasinvitedtogiveaspeechattheInstituteofDirectors.Hehadastandardspeechthathe'dusedforfiveyearsorso,withsomejokesthatalwayswentdownwell,likethisone:
Wealsodocut-glasssherrydecanterscompletewithsixglassesonasilver-platedtraythatyourbutlercanserveyoudrinkson,allfor£4.95.Peoplesay,"Howcanyousellthisforsuchalowprice?"Isay,"becauseit'stotalcrap.
and...Weevensellapairofgoldearringsforunder£1,whichischeaperthana
prawnsandwichfromMarks&Spencer.ButIhavetosaythatthesandwichwillprobablylastlongerthantheearrings.
(reportedintheDailyTelegraphhttp://bit.ly/ratner-speech)Asusual,thespeechwentdownfinewithhisimmediateaudienceoffellow
businessmen.Butthenextday,thetabloidpresswereaccusinghimofinsultinghiscustomers."You22caratgoldmugs"wastheDailyMirror'sheadline.
Whatwasintendedasabitofself-deprecatingfun,andwastakenthatwaybyhisintendedaudienceofhigh-poweredbusinessowners,wastakeninquiteanotherwaybyhiscustomers-atthattimestrugglingwithjoblosses,houserepossessions,andjustmakingendsmeetintherecessionoftheearly90s.Theytookitpersonally.Tothem,herewasthisfatcatworth£350million,withayacht,aprivateplane,andlotsofhouses,mockingthepeoplewhohadputhimthere.Gerald'sprotestationsthatitwasaprivatefunctionthathedidn'texpecttobereported,andthattheremarkswerenotintendedtobetakenseriously,madehimlookevenmoreoutoftouch.
Theresponseofhiscustomerswasaboutwhatyouwouldexpectfromsomeonewhohadbeenmocked.TheystoppedbuyingRatnersjewellery.Thevalueofthecompanyplummetedbyaround£500millionanditverynearlycollapsed.Heresignedthefollowingyear,andthecompanychangeditsnametotheSignetGroup.
Howtoavoidbeingmisunderstood
Whatwasgoingonthere?Well,weknowaboutmentalfilters,deletion,distortion,andgeneralisation.Whenyousaysomething,orwriteanemail,toanotherperson,yourwordsarebeinginterpretedthroughtheirmentalfilters.Theyarealsojudgingyournonverbalcommunication-thetoneofyourvoice,yourfacialexpression,andbodylanguage-throughthosesamefilters.Ofcourse,withemails,youdon'thavebodylanguageorvoicetone,sothereaderhastofillinthatmissinginformationasbesttheycanfromtheirownmapoftheworld-whichiswhypeoplecanfrequentlytakeemailsthewrongway.
Bythetimetheotherpersonisawareofyourcommunication,it'salreadybeenthroughtheirfilters.Sotothem,theirinterpretationofyourmessageisthemessageitself.
Sometimes,ifyourmapsoftheworldarefairlysimilar,themessagetheyreceiveisprettyclosetothemessageyouthoughtyouweresending.Theinformationfromtheirmapthattheyusetofillinthedeletionsthemessageis
prettymuchthesameastheinformationthatyouwereleavingout,andsoon.Ifyou'reworkingfromdivergingmaps,themessagetheyreceivecanbevery
differentfromtheoneyouthoughtyouweresending.Andsinceyouarecommunicatingwiththemwithsomesortofdesiredresponseinmind,it'sthemessageastheyreceiveitthat'simportant.
Sinceyoudon'tknowforsurewhattheirfiltersare,theonlywayyoucanknowifyourmessagehasbeenreceivedassentistonoticewhattheirresponseis.Iftheirresponseisnotwhatyouexpectedfromthemessageyousent,thatmeansit'sbeenreceiveddifferently,andyou'vecommunicatedsomethingotherthanwhatyouintended.
Don'tbethe"Englishmanabroad"
ImaginetheclassicstereotypeoftheEnglishmanabroad,tryingtoaskdirectionsfromapasserbywhodoesn'tspeakEnglish.Thetime-honouredtacticofrepeatingthesamequestion,butlouder,whilethinking"Whycan'tthispersonspeakEnglish?"isnotgoingtowork.Learningafewwordsofthelocallanguage,ortryingabitofsignlanguage,willprobablygetyoualotfurther.
Asthecommunicator,it'syourresponsibilitytochangehowyouaresendingthemessage-whetherthat'sachangeinwording,voicetone,bodylanguage,orthemediumyousenditby,untilyougettheresponsethattellsyouyourmessagehasbeenreceivedassent.
Asalistenerorarecipientofcommunication,youwillbemorelikelytojumptoconclusionswhenyourememberthatwhatyouarehearingorreadingisyourfilteredinterpretationofthemessage.Thisisparticularlyworthrememberingwithemailcommunications,wherethebodylanguageandvoicetonethatnormallysupplytheemotionalcontexttomakesenseofthemessagearenotavailable,andyou'veonlygotthewordstogoon.
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Firstofall,knowwhatresponseyouarelookingfor
What'sthepurposeofyourcommunication?Areyoulookingtogettheotherpersontochangetheirbehaviour,tochangehowtheyfeel,toreassurethem,toimpartsomeinformation,orjusttoestablish,maintainorstrengthenaconnectionwiththem?Youwon'tknowifyourcommunicationhasbeen'receivedassent'ifyouareunclearaboutwhatyouwantedtocommunicate.
2.Noticethenonverbalsignals
Payattentiontothenonverbalsignalsor'paralanguage'thatyougetfromtheotherperson.Thenonverbalresponsealwayscomesbeforetheverbalone,butyouwon'tnoticeitunlessyoupayattention.Inaconversation,yourattentionshouldmostlybeontheotherperson,ratherthan,forexample,inyourownhead,tryingtopredictwhattheymightsaynextorworryingabouthowyouarecomingacross.
3.Ifyourcommunicationisn'tworking,varyit
Ifwhatyousayingisnotgettingtheresponseyouwant,sayitanotherway-andkeepgettingyourmessageacrossindifferentwaysuntilitgetstheresponseyouwant.
4.Treatunexpectedresponsesasfeedback
Ifyou'vetakenintoaccounttheprincipleof'Respectfortheotherperson'smodeloftheworld'thatwediscussedearlier,youshouldalreadybegettingbetterresponsestoyourcommunication.Ifyougetanunexpectedorunwantedresponse,that'susefulfeedbacktellingyoutocheckyourunderstandingoftheirmodeloftheworldagainsttheirresponse,andupdateyourunderstandingifnecessary.
Iswhatyouhavesaidinlinewiththeirvalues?Doesyourmessagemakesenseintheirmapoftheworld?Didyouexpressyourselfinlanguagethattheycanunderstand,andthat'scongruentwithwhoyouare?Peopleareverygoodatspottingincongruence-thinkofthejarringnotethatyougetwhenamiddleagedpersoninapositionofauthorityuses,ormisuses,teenageslanginanattemptto
seemdownwiththekids.Or-andthishappensfromtimetotimeevenwiththebestcommunicators,
althoughithappensmuchlesswhenyouaresincereandcongruentaboutwhatyouaresaying-didyoujustmakeaslip,andneedtoapologiseforitorcorrectthefalseimpression?
Chapter9Youcannotnotcommunicate
Weareconstantlycommunicating,ineverythingwedo.Evenstayingsilentisacommunication,especiallywheretheotherpersonisexpectingtosaysomething.
7%-38%-55%:thefacts
Youdon'tjustcommunicateinwords.Youmayhaveheardthestatisticthatonly7%ofthemeaningofwhatyousayisthewordsyouuse,38%isconveyedbyvoicetone,and55%bybodylanguage.Whatmostpeopledon'tknowisthatthesestatisticshavebeentakenwildlyoutofcontextandareoftenmisused.
OriginallythesefigurescomefromresearchintononverbalcommunicationdonebythepsychologistAlbertMehrabian.Heaskedpeopletojudgehowaspeakerwasfeelingbylisteningtoarecordingofasinglewordspokenindifferenttonesofvoice.Heusedpositivewords:""dear","thanks"and"honey",neutralwords:"maybe","oh",and"really",and'negative'words:"brute","don't","terrible".Andhehadhisspeakersreadthewordsinpositive,neutraland'negative'tonesofvoice.Hefoundthatwherethewordandthevoicetonewereinconsistent,morelistenerswentwiththevoicetonethanthemeaningofthewordwhenjudginghowthespeakerwasfeeling.
Inasecondexperiment,hisspeakersreadoutoneneutralword("maybe")inthethreedifferenttones,andatthesametimethelistenerswereshownphotosofpositive,neutralornegativefacialexpressions.
Puttingtheresultsofthetwoexperimentstogether,heconcludedthatwords,voicetone,andfacialexpression(notbodylanguageasawhole)wereimportantintheproportion7%,38%and55%-butthisfigureisonlyapplicabletohowthelistenerjudgesthefeelingsofthespeaker,onlywhenthespeakeronlyusesoneword,andonlywhenthevoicetoneisinconsistentwiththemeaningofthewordorvoicetoneisinconsistentwithfacialexpression.That'snotacombinationofcircumstancesthathappensveryoftenintherealworld,soit'sabitofaleaptoapplyittothewholemeaningofacommunication.It'salsoworth
notingthatneitheroftheexperimentsstudiedallthreecommunicationchannelstogether.
Sothatstatistichasbeentakenwildlyoutofcontext,anditismeaninglesswhenappliedtocommunicationasawhole,butyoustillhearitalot.Afriendofminewasatacoursewherethetrainertrottedoutthat"93%ofcommunicationisnonverbal"myth,and-knowingthatitdoesn'thelptheotherstudentstomakethetrainerlookstupid,evenwhentheysaysomethingthat'swrong-shewaiteduntilthebreakandmentionedprivatelytohimthattheresearchdoesn'tactuallysupportthestatistic.Hesuggestedthatshedidn'tknowwhatshewastalkingabout,andthather4-yearpsychologydegreewasworthless.Sheleftitatthat.
Butintheafternoon,thetrainerseemstohavedecidedtomakehimselflookbigbymakingherlooksmall.HeheldherupinfrontoftheclassasanexampleofaLuddite,someonewho"refusestobelievethelatestresearchthatprovescommunicationis93%nonverbal."Bigmistake...shechallengedhimtodotherestoftheday'strainingusingonlybodylanguageandvoicetone-sincehe'dstillbecommunicating93%oftheinformation.Soheendedupcommunicatingamessageabouthimselfthathehadn'tmeantto.
Hownonverbalcommunicationmodifieswhatyousay
Andyet,thereasonthatyoustillhearthosefiguressooftenisthatonthefaceofittheysortofsoundasiftheyshouldberight,eveniftheydon'tstandupwhenyouthinkaboutthem.Voicetoneandfacialexpressionorbodylanguagecanmodifythemeaningofwhatyousay.Thinkofthedifferencebetweenwhatasincerecomplimentsoundslike,andthesamewordsdeliveredinasarcastictone.
Nonverbalcommunication-'paralinguistics'aspsychologistscallit-formsthecontextagainstwhichthelistenerevaluatesthemeaningofthewords,andhowsincereyouare.Whilethewordsconveyamessageaboutwhateveritisyou'retalkingabout,thenonverbalcommunicationarounditisconveyingmessagesaboutyourrelationshipwiththelistener,andhowyoufeelaboutwhat
you'resaying.Soallthetime,ourfacialexpressions,bodylanguage,posture,andvoice
tonearesendingmessageswhichpeoplearoundusareinterpreting,whethertheyareconsciousofitornot.Theyusethoseinterpretationstoformguessesabouthowyou'refeeling,whatyouarethinking,yourintentions,andwhatyouarelikelytodonext.
Peoplecansometimessendveryobviousmessagesbydoingorsayingnothing.Sometimesthisisappropriate,sometimesnot.Ifyourteamarelookingtoyouforleadershipinatimeofcrisis,andyoustayinyourofficewiththedoorclosed,that'ssendingamessage.Ifsomeonemakesaracistorsexistjoke,andtheyareexpectingyoutolaughoratleastsmile,notdoingthatissendinganothermessage.Andifsomeoneistryingtoprovokeyou,andyoudon'trisetoit,that'salsosendingamessage.
Thekeyistobeawarethatwhateveryoudoordon'tdo,you'realwayscommunicating,andthemeaningofthatcommunicationdependsasmuchonthecontextasonwhatyouaresayingornotsaying.
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Beclearaboutwhatyouwanttocommunicate
Putyourselfintheshoesofyourintendedaudience,andlookatwhatyouareintendingtodoandthemannerinwhichyouareintendingtodoit,fromtheirpointofview.What,fromtheirpointofview,areyouactuallycommunicating?
2.Themessagesyousendarenotjustthewordsyouuse
Theclothesyouwear,thewayyoustand,thetoneofyourvoice,allconveyamessagetoyouraudiencethatmodifiesthemeaningstheytakefromyourwords.Soaskyourself:ismynonverbalcommunicationappropriatetomyaudience?IsitcongruentwiththeverbalmessageIwanttoputacross.
3.Sometimesnotrespondingatallisausefulcommunication
Theideaofbehaviouralreinforcement,whichcameoriginallyfromanimal
training,suggeststhatanyresponseyougivetoaparticularbehaviour,evenanangryordiscouragingone,mayservetoreinforcethatbehaviour,sotheotherperson,orthedogorwhatever,ismorelikelytodoitagain.Why?Becauseatleasttheygotaresponsefromyou.
Youseethiswithotherpeople'sparentingskillssometimes(neveryourown,ofcourse)-asmallchildthat'signoredwilleventuallydosomethingtoprovoketheparentintoyellingatorslappingthem,becauseanyresponseisbetterthanbeingignored.Andthemorewounduptheparentgets,themorethechildactsup.Theparent'sresponseisunintentionallyreinforcingthebehaviour.
Sothinkaboutwhatbehaviouryouwanttoreinforce,andwhatyouwanttoignore.Thiswouldapplytoyourchildren,yourpartner,youremployees,yourpets,orevenyourboss.Makesurethatyoureinforcebehaviourthatyouwant-don'tjustignoreit.Andifyournormalirritableresponsetocertainbehavioursisn'tworking,tryignoringitandseewhathappens.
Chapter10Thereisnofailure,onlyfeedback
"Whatdoesthismean?"youmightbethinking."Ofcoursethere'ssuchathingasfailure!"
Well,ofcoursethereis-ifyouchoosetolookatitthatway.Ifyoudo,pleaserememberthattheconceptoffailureisnotareal,physicalthingintherealworld-it'swhatacademicscalla'construct',somethingthat'smadeupbythehumanmind.It'saparticularwayoflabellingcertainevents,oneofmanypossibleways.
Sinceit'sourmindsthathavecomeupwiththeconceptoffailure,Ithinkwehavetherighttoaskhowwellthisconceptservesus.Itturnsoutthatitisn'tthathelpful.Inthecontextofevaluatingyourownactions,orthoseofpeoplewhoreporttoyou,it'sactuallyharmful.
Let'ssayyoutryoutsomenewactionornewwayofdoingthings,anditdoesn'tworkasyouhadhoped.Ifyouthink"thatfailed",youmightalsothinkthatyoufailed.Fromthere,it'sonlyashortsteptothinkingofyourselfasafailure.Andonceyouthinkofyourselfinthoseterms,whatareyougoingtoexpecttohappenthenexttimeyoutrysomethingnew?
Whyitpaystothinkexperimentally
It'smuchmoreusefultothinkoftakinganewactionintermsofanexperiment.Youtrysomethingout.Iteitherworksasyouwantitto,inwhichcasegreat,youcankeepdoingit;or,itdoesn'tworkasyouwantitto,inwhichcaseyouhavegainedvaluablefeedbackfromyourenvironment-theuniverse,asmy"newage"friendscallit-whichistellingyoutodosomethingdifferent.
That'sallthatthispresuppositionmeans.Youcanchoosehowyoulookattheresultsyouget.Peoplewhoframeunexpectedorunwantedresultsasfailuretendtogetdiscouraged,loseinterest,andgiveup,andmaybesodemoralisedthattheydon'tlearnfromtheexperience;whenyouviewsuchresultsasusefulfeedback,youlearnfromwhathappens,modifywhatyouaredoing,keepdoing
thatuntilyougettheresultyouwant-oranevenbetterone.
"Fixed"mindsetor"Growth"mindset
It'snicetoseethisideagettingsomebackupfromacademicresearch.TheStanfordpsychologistCarolDweckhasbeenresearchingmindset,performanceandmotivationfor40years.Herkeyfindingisthatifyoubelieveyourintelligenceandtalentarefixed(whatshecallsa"fixed"mindset),yourmainmotivationwillbetolookgoodandyouwillavoidchallengesandfeedbackthatmighttarnishyourimage;whereasifyoubelieveyoucandevelopyourability(a"growth"mindset),youwillvaluelearning,relishchallenges,welcomefeedbackandkeepgoingthroughsetbacks.
Thefixedmindsetthinksinblackandwhitetermsofsuccessorfailure.Ifaperson'sconfidenceisbasedontheirability,andtheybelievethatabilityisfixed,thenwhentheyhitasetback-asinevitablyhappensfromtimetotime-it'sgoingtopulltherugoutfromunderthem,andtheymightthink:"Imustnotbesosmartafterall,ifIfailedatthis".Whenthathappens,apersonflipsfrombelieving"Ican"to"Ican't"veryeasily.
Thisdoesn'thappenwithagrowthmindset.Whenyouhaveagrowthmindset,youtreatsetbacksasacuetoputmoreeffortin.DweckandhercollaboratorCarolDienerfoundthatsomechildrenwithagrowthmindsetdidn'tlabeltheirfailuresassetbacksatall-asDienersaysinthisarticleintheStanfordMagazine:
Failureisinformation—welabelitfailure,butit'smorelike,"Thisdidn'twork,I'maproblemsolver,andI'lltrysomethingelse."
Inotherwords:thereisnofailure,onlyfeedback.
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Re-evaluatepast"failures"
Lookbackatanythinginyourlifethatyou'velabelledasa"failure".Whathappensifinstead,youlabelitas"usefulfeedback"?Ifyouhavebeeninthe
habitofthinkingintermsoffailure,it'sworthinvestingsometimeinthisexercise-itwillbetimewellspent.
2."WhatdoIneedtolearn?"
Onegreatwaytotakeonboardthefeedbackthattheworldisgivingyouisthis:anytimethingsdon'tturnouthowyouwant,askyourself"WhatdoIneedtolearnfromthis?"andleavesometimeandspacefortheanswertocometoyou.Thisisworthdoingeven,orperhapsespecially,whenwhathashappenedseemstobeacompleteaccident,sinceweareneverfullyawareofhowouractionsaffectothersaroundusandleadtounintendedconsequences.Dopeoplewhodostupidthingsrealisetheyareactingstupidly?Oftentheydon't-butiftheyaskthemselvesthisquestionwhentheresultscomein,atleasttheywouldgivethemselvesachanceoflearningfromexperience.
3.Bewarethewrongkindofpraise
CarolDweck'sresearchinto'fixed'and'growth'mindsetsfoundthatit'snotjustcriticismthatholdspeoplebackandinstallslimitingbeliefs.Thewrongkindofpraisecanalsochildrenwhoseparentspraisedthemforqualities,likebeingintelligentorpretty,tendedtogrowupwithfixedmindsets.Bycontrast,iftheywerepraisedfortheefforttheyputin,theyhadmoreofagrowthmindset.Soifyouwanttoencourageagrowthmindsetinyourkidsoryouremployees,praiseandencouragethemfortheireffortandattitude,ratherthanforqualities.Andmakesureyoudothesameforyourselfinyourowninternaldialogueorself-talk.
Chapter11Themorecomplexthesituationyouhavetocopewith,themorebehaviouralflexibilityyouneed("TheLawofRequisiteVariety")
Thispresuppositionisderivedfromsystemstheory-thestudyofself-regulatingsystems.WilliamRossAshbyoriginallyformulatedthelawtoapplytocontrollerstryingtokeepasystemstable-likethethermostatinacentralheatingsystem,tochooseaverysimpleexample.Toputitintonon-technicallanguage,thelawcanbestatedas:"themoreoptionsthecontrollerhas,thebetterableitistodealwithfluctuationsinthesystem".
Regrettably,inpersonaldevelopmentcircleswesometimesseethisprinciplereducedtotheideathat"thepersonwiththegreatestflexibilitywins"-sothemostflexiblesalespersonwillbetheonewhoclosesthesale,orthemostflexiblemanagerwillgettheirownwaymostoften.Thisisamassiveover-simplification.InhisbookWhisperingInTheWind(forhardcoreNLPenthusiastsonly),JohnGrinderpointsoutthatasanytherapistknows,theideaof'controlling'interactionwithanotherhumanbeingisextremelyoptimistic.
Whatdoomedthedinosaurs
Really,theprincipleismoreaboutadaptabilityanddealingwithchange.Thinkaboutdinosaurs.Therewereallkindsofshapesandsizestomakethemostofvariousenvironmentalniches.Youhadhugeoneslikethebrontosauruswithlongneckstobrowsefromthetopsoftrees,youhadhornedonesliketriceratopsforbrowsingongrasslandandseeingoffpredators,youhadarmouredspikyoneslikeankylosauruswhichwerelikelivingtanks.
Duringthelastdayswhendinosaursruledtheearth,theancestorsofmammals-ourancestors-werelittlefurryanimalsresemblingmiceorshrews.Theyweren'tparticularlyspecialised-theycouldn'trunfast,theyweren'tbigenoughtobegoodatfighting,theydidn'thavewingsorhornsorarmour.Theyprettymuchkeptoutofthedinosaurs'way.
Then,forwhateverreason,theclimatechanged.Foodbecamescarcer-andofcourseittakesalotoffoodtokeepsomethingasbigasadinosaurgoing.Astheybecamescarcer,theirpredators,likethehugeTyrannosaurusRex,alsodiedout-therejustwasn'tenoughfoodavailabletokeepsustainpredatorsofthatsize.
Themammalssurvivedbecausetheywereadaptable.Theycouldeatprettymuchanything,theircoatsandwarmbloodkeptthemwarm,theyhadshortreproductivecyclessotheycouldrecoverquicklyfrompopulationimpactswhenconditionsimprovedagain.Theysurvived,andtookover,becausetheyhadmoreoptionsopentothem.
Sothe"LawofRequisiteVariety"inNLPismoreaboutbeingabletoadapttochangethanabouthavingtowineverything.Wemightsummariseitas"Themorecomplexthesituationyouhavetocopewith,themorebehaviouralflexibilityyouneed",oreven"Ifwhatyouaredoingisn'tworking,dosomethingdifferent".
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Ifyou'restuck,changeyourframe
Inanysituationwhereyoufeelthatyouhaverunoutofoptions,startthinkinglaterally.Whatdootherpeopledoinsimilarsituations?Whatwouldyoudoifyoudidn'tcarewhatpeoplethought,oreven-andI'mnotabigfanofthissayingasageneralprinciple(justlookwhatitdidtoEnron)butitmaybeusefulinthiscase-"whatwouldyoudoifyouknewyoucouldn'tfail?"
2.Lookatwhat'sonthefarsideoftheblock
Ifyou'relimitingyouroptionsbythinking"Icouldn'tdothat",askyourself"WhatwouldhappenifIdid?"
Sometimeswescareourselveswithvaguethoughtsofterribleconsequenceswhichturnouttobenotsoterriblewhenweexaminethem-justliketheunseenmonsterinahorrorfilmwhichisn'tsoscaryonceyouseeit.
3.Varyyourroutine
Habitscanbecomeapowerfulrestrictionifleftunchallenged.Developyourflexibilitybydoingsomethingdifferentoccasionally.Gointoworkadifferentway,brushyourteethusingyournon-dominanthand,ifyou'reaconservativereadaleftynewspaperoccasionally,andviceversa.Yourlifewillbemoreinterestingaswell.
4.Getcomfortablewithconfusion
Noticehowwellyoutolerateambiguity-inotherwords,howcomfortableareyouwhenyoudon'tknowexactlywhat'sgoingon?Developmentalpsychologiststellusthatpeopletendtobecomemoretolerantofambiguity,lessrigidintheirthinking,astheymature-althoughtheycanstartbecomingmorerigidagaininoldageiftheydon'twatchout.
Peoplewhoarenotcomfortablewithambiguitytendtointerpretitasathreat-whichmeanstheygointoalessresourcefulstateanytimetheyareconfrontedwithnewinformationthatmightrequirethemtoupdatetheirworldview.Thetemptationforthemistojumptoconclusionsprematurely,andasTadJamessays,prematureclosureisasbadaspremature...wellnevermind.
Soifyou'relearningsomethingnew,andyoufeelconfused,remindyourselfthatit'sOK-confusionisjustwhatyoufeelwhenyou'retakingonnewinformationthatyouhaven'tfullymadesenseofyet.Confusionisapreludetounderstanding.Feelinganxiousorthreatenedbyconfusionisjustgoingtoputthepersonintoabadstatethatmakesitharderforthemtolearn-soanytimeyoufeelconfused,justbreatheandrelax.
Chapter12Anychangesshouldincreasechoiceandwholeness,andbeevaluatedintermsofecology
Followingonfromthe"LawofRequisiteVariety",wecansaythatchoiceisbetterthannochoice.Themoreoptionswehaveinourbehaviouralrepertoire,themorelikelywearetobeabletomaketherightchoiceforanygivensituation.Also,whenconditionschange,it'sgoodtohavetheflexibilitythatadditionaloptionsgiveus.
Forexample,alotofindependenttrainersandconsultantsIknowhaveseenadropintheirbusinessinthelastcoupleofyears,wheretheoldwaystheyusedtogetclientshavestoppedworking.Onewaytheycoulddosomethingaboutthatwouldbetopickupthephoneandstartcallingprospects.Buttheywon'tdoit,becausethatbehaviourisjustnotpartoftheirrepertoireandtheydon'tfeelitwouldbe"them"-eventhoughinsomecircumstancesitmaybetheverybestwaytoincreaseorevensavetheirbusiness.Ifonlytheyhadthatadditionalchoiceavailabletothem-iftheycoulddosomethingdifferenttowhatisn'tworkinganymore-theycouldstartreachingmorepeopleandmakingtheirlivesbetter.
Soanychangeswemakeshouldincreasechoice.Rememberthepresuppositionthat"Allbehaviouristhebestchoicecurrentlyavailable"?Bynowyoumaybestartingtoseehowthesepresuppositionsfittogether.Youmayrememberthatweusedtheexampleofsmokingasabehaviourthataperson'sconsciousmindmightwanttostop,butneverthelesstheydon'talwaysfinditeasytoquit,becauseattheunconsciousleveltheymaybegettingsomepayofforbenefitfromit-"secondarygain"asit'scalledintherapy.
Hownottohelpsomeonequitsmoking
WhenIranahypnotherapypractice,oneoftheclientstoldmeaboutherbrother,whohadbeentoseeanold-schoolhypnotherapistwhospecialisedinsmokingcessationandworkedmostlythroughauthoritarianhypnosisand-let'sbefrank-
fear.Hegotthebrotherintotrance,ranthroughhissmokingcessationscript,andneartheendimplantedthissuggestion:"Andifyoueverpickupacigaretteagain,youwillfindthatyouaresmokingfivetimesasmuchasyouusedto."
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong?Ithinkyoumayguesswhathappenednext.Thebrotherstoppedsmoking,butafewmonthslaterhewasataparty,hadafewdrinks,andoutofhabitacceptedacigarettethatsomeoneofferedhim.Beforeheknewit,hewasindeedbackonthecigarettesagain,smokingfivetimesasmanyasheusedto.Notanidealsolution.
TheNLPapproachtochangeacceptsthatanybehaviourcouldbeusefulinsomecontext,althoughthesituationsinwhichsmokingwouldbethebestchoiceareprettyrare.Withthisinmind,weaimtoaddbetterchoicesratherthantakeawayorprohibittheproblematicchoice.Sowithsmoking,partofwhatyoumightdoistoestablishwhat,ifany,isthesecondarygainfromsmoking,andhelpthepersontogeneratebetterchoicesthattheycanuseinsteadofsmokinginthosesituationswherepreviouslytheyusedtosmoke.
Ifyouhavebetteroptionsthatgiveyouthesameorbetterpayoffsastheoldproblembehaviour,butwithoutthedownside,ofcourseyouwillalwayschoosethebetteroptions-eventhoughthepreviousbehaviourisstillavailabletoyou.Plus,youstillhavethepreviousbehaviourinyoursetofchoicesifcircumstanceschangeanditbecomesusefulagain.
Wholenessisbetterthanfragmentation
Changeshouldalsoaimtopreserveorincreasewholeness.Thisprincipleoriginatedfromtherapy,where-followingVirginiaSatirandFritzPerls-theearlyNLPpioneersdidalotofworkwiththeideaof"parts"ofsomeone'spersonalitybeingresponsibleforproblems,andtalkingdirectlytothatpart.Theyevengottothepointofinstallingnewparts.Aside-effectofthiscanbethatthemoreyoutreatthepartsasreal-ratherthanjustconvenientmetaphors-themoreofalifeoftheirowntheycantakeon.Sobeforesomeonetakesa
decision,theyhavetositdownandlistentoeachpartinturn,inthehopethattheycanallreachagreement.
IunderstandthereareevensometherapistsinAmerica-notNLPones,I'mhappytosay-whofindthateverysingleclienttheyseehasmultiplepersonalitydisorder.Ifnotwhentheystarttherapy,thenbythetimetheyleave.
Inorganisations,therearealsocostsinvolvedwiththeoldfashionedmodelwherecommunicationismainlyupanddown,betweenmanagersandthepeoplewhoreporttothem,ratherthanacrosstheorganisationbetweendepartments.ManyorganisationsI'veworkedwithintheUK,especiallyinthepublicsector,complainabout"siloisation",wherestaffindifferentdepartmentsdon'tknoweachother,don'tcommunicatewitheachother,andthelefthanddoesn'tknowwhattherighthandisdoing.Intheworstcasesyougetturfwars,withholdingofknowledge,anddepartmentscompetingforbudgets,forgettingthebigpicturethattheyallworkforthesameorganisationandaresupposedtobeworkingtowardsthesamegoals.
Anyfragmentationincreasescostsanddisruptscommunication,sochangesneedtopromotewholenessandhealunnecessarydivisions.
Isthechange"ecological"?
Finally,changeshouldbeevaluatedintermsof"ecology".ThistermhasaslightlydifferentmeaninginNLPthanitdoesinscienceandeverydaylife(thestudyoftherelationshipsthatlivingorganismshavewitheachotherandwiththeirenvironment).InNLP,"ecology"isaboutlookingatthewiderimpactsofchangesonthewidersystems-family,communityandsoon-ofwhichyouareapart.Thisistomakesurethatthechangeissomethingyouwouldstillwantwhenyoulookbeyondtheimmediatecontextwhereitsmade-soifyouarethinkingoftakinganewjob,forexample,youshouldconsidernotjustthestepupandtheextramoney,butalsocommutingtime,whathoursyouwillbeworking,theimpactonyourtimewithyourfamily,howcloselythenewjobalignswithyourvalues,andtheopportunitiesitwillgiveyoutolearn,along
withmanyotherconsiderations.
Practicalwaystomakethisprincipleworkforyou
1.Noticeanyconflictswithinyourself
Veryoften,innerconflictcomesfromholdingtwovaluesthatappeartocontradicteachother;forexample,youmightvalueboth"excitement"and"security"inyourcareer.So,shouldyoutakethatjobshark-fishinginthePacific,orstayworkinginthebank?TherearepatternswithinNLPwhichbroadlycomeundertheheadingof"partsintegration"tohelpyouresolveconflictslikethis,butifyoudon'thaveaskilledNLPpractitionertohand,here'swhatyoucando.
Askyourself:whatisitaboutyourcurrentsituationthatmeansyoucan'tsatisfybothvaluesatthesametime?Askyourselfwhatwouldhavetohappentomakeitpossibletosatisfybothvaluesatthesametime.Thenmakeithappen.
2.Lookforthecommonhighervalueonbothsidesofaconflict
Takeoneoftheclashingvaluesandaskyourself:"IfIhavethatvaluefully,whatwouldthatgivemethatisevenmoreimportantthanthat?"Thisshouldgiveyouahigher(moreimportantandbigger-picture)value.Continuetoaskthesamequestionuntilyoucan'tgetanyhigher.Thendothesamethingwiththevalueontheotherside.Youmayfindthatthetwooriginalvalueshavehighervalueswhicharethesame,oratleastmorecompatible.
3.Howtoidentifyinnerconflictsinothers
You'llfindthatyoucannoticewhenotherpeoplehaveconflictingimpulsesquiteeasily-theymightsaythingslike"OnetheonehandIwanttodothis,ontheotherhandIwanttodothat..."or"Ifeeltornbetween..."or"Idon'tknowwhethertodothis,orthat"oreven"I'mintwomindsaboutit."
4.Putyourgoalsthroughan"ecologycheck"
Ifyou'resettingagoaloratargetforyourself,oryourteam,makesureyoutake
intoaccounttheknock-onandsystemiceffectsaswellasyourdesiredendresult.Althoughyourgoalmaybeaboutaparticularareaofyourlifeorbusiness,itwillalsoaffectotherareas.Youneedtotakeintoaccounttheconsequencesofachievingyourgoaloneveryotherareaofyourlife,onpeopleclosetoyou,andonthelargercommunitiesofwhichyouareapart.Onlythencanyoubesurethatyoureallywantthegoal.
Whatwillitcostyoutoachievethegoal?Sometimestherearecoststoachievingagoal,intermsoftime,effort,orwhatyouwillhavetogiveup.Askthesequestionstomakesureyourgoalisworthwhatitwillcostyou:
"Whatwillhappenwhenyouhaveit?""Whatwon'thappenwhenyouhaveit?""Arethereanydownsidestoachievingit?"Whatarethewidereffectsofachievingyourgoal?Anysignificantgoalwillhaveanimpactonthebalanceofyourlife-thinkthisimpactthroughnowtoavoidunforeseenconsequenceslater."Howwouldhavingthisoutcomeaffecteachareaofyourlife?""Howwouldhavingthisoutcomeaffectthepeopleyoucareabout?""Howwouldyouhavingthisoutcomeaffectthewidercommunitiesofwhichyouareapart?"
Review
"Bythreemethodswemaylearnwisdom.First,byreflection,whichisnoblest;second,byimitation,whichiseasiest,andthirdbyexperience,whichisthe
bitterest."-Confucius(KongQiu)( 551BC-479BC)
"Firstsaytoyourselfwhatyouwouldbe;andthendowhatyouhavetodo."-Epictetus(55AD-135AD)
AReminderofalltheprinciples
So,we'veconsideredsixpresuppositionsorprinciplesaboutpeople:1. Themapisnottheterritory2. Allbehaviouristhebestchoicecurrentlyavailable3. Peoplehavealltheresourcestheyneedtosucceed4. Iaminchargeofmymind,andthereforemyresults5. Theonlyreliableinformationaboutapersonisbehaviour6. MindandbodyareonesystemAndalsosixpresuppositionsaboutcommunicationandchange:7. Respectfortheotherperson'smodeloftheworld8. The"meaning"ofcommunicationistheresponseyouget9. Youcannotnotcommunicate
10.Thereisnofailure,onlyfeedback11.Themorecomplexthesituationyouhavetocopewith,themorebehaviouralflexibilityyouneed(the"LawofRequisiteVariety")12.Anychangesshouldincreasechoiceandwholeness,andbeevaluatedintermsofecology.Noticewhatdifferencesyoucouldmaketoyourlifeifyoutakethese
principlesonboardandstartactingasiftheyaretrue.Imaginewhatresultsyoumightget.Andofcourse,whenyoustarttoactfromthesepresuppositions,theyquicklybegintogeneratetheirownevidence,soyoureallycanstarttoget
congruentaboutthem.
UsingNLPprinciplestoresolveproblems
"Theunexaminedlifeisnotworthlivingforahumanbeing."-Socrates,(470BC-399BC)
Justbeforeyoustartyouradventureinlivingaccordingtotheseprinciples,hereisanexercisethatyoucantryyourself,toreallyunderstandhowrelevanttheyaretoyourlife.a. PickthreeoftheseNLPpresuppositions.Theycouldbeonesthat
particularlyresonatewithyou,oryoucouldjustpickanythreeatrandom.b. Nowthinkofsomechallengethatyouhave-itcouldbeatworkorathome,
itcouldbesomethingthatholdsyoubackormoreabouthowyouaregoingtolearnsomethingorreachaparticulartarget.And,bytheway,ifyoudon'thaveanychallengesinyourlife,maybeyou'renotsettingyoursightshighenough.
c. Takethefirstofthepresuppositionsanduseitasalenstolookattheissue.What'sdifferentabouttheissuewhenyoulookatitfromtheviewpointofthispresupposition?Whatoptionsdoesitopenup?Whatdoesitmakesensetodointhelightofthepresupposition?
d. Nowrepeatthisexercisewiththeothertwopresuppositions.Noticewhatinsightsandlearningsyouget.Thechancesarethatsomeoftheinsightsyougetwillbemoreusefulthanothers...sowhichinsightsaremostusefultoyou?Andwhatareyougoingtododifferentlyasaresultwhatyou'velearned?
Whatnow?
"Oneoftheillusionsoflifeisthatthepresenthourisnotthecritical,decisivehour.Writeitonyourheartthateverydayisthebestdayoftheyear."
-RalphWaldoEmerson(1803-1882)
IfyouareinterestedinliveNLPtraining,contactmeandIcanpossiblyrecommendareliabletrainerneartoyou.IfthedemandisthereIcouldbetemptedtotraveltowhereveryouareintheworldandrunacoursemyself!ListentothePracticalNLPPodcast.FordetailsofhowtolistenoniTunesandotherplatformsvisithttp://nlppod.com.Thisisalsothesitetovisitformoretips,bookreviews,researchnewsandinformationaboutNLPandrelatedsubjects.YoucanalsosubscribetothefreePracticalNLPTipsNewsletterthere.Visitmyotherwebsite,http://coachingleaders.co.uk,forinformationaboutEmotionalIntelligence,AppreciativeInquiry,leadershipandcoaching.YoucanfollowmeonTwitterathttp://twitter.com/PracticalNLPFinally,ifyouhaveanyquestionsorfeedbackaboutthisbook,pleasedocontactmeatandy@coachingleaders.co.ukAndySmithCheissouxApril2013
Abouttheauthor
AndySmithisanNLPtrainer,EmotionalIntelligencecoachandAppreciativeInquiryconsultantwhohastrainedandcoacheddirector-levelclientsintheUK,theMiddleEast,andSouthEastAsia.Hespecialisesinhelpingleadersandteamsgetbeyondtheblocksthatstopthemachievingtheirpotential.AndyistheauthorofAchieveYourGoals:StrategiesToTransformYourLife(DorlingKindersley2006)andthePracticalNLP,PracticalCoachingGuidesandQuickPersonalDevelopmente-bookseries.ToseeallofAndy’sbooksande-booksonAmazon,visithisauthorpageathttp://www.amazon.com/Andy-Smith/e/B0034P6BVA/(US)orhttp://www.amazon.co.uk/Andy-Smith/e/B0034P6BVA/(UK).
AndyisaserialNLPpracticegroupfounder.HestartedtheRichmondNLPGroup(alongwithNickDriscoll)in1996andit’sstillgoingstrong,havingbeenthroughacoupleofchangesofmanagement.HealsostartedtheManchesterNLPGroupandtheManchesterBusinessNLPandEmotionalIntelligenceGroup,allofwhichhavegivencountlesspeopletheirfirststepontheirNLPjourney.
AswellasthePracticalNLPe-bookseries,AndyhasdevelopedanacclaimedactivitypackforNLPtrainers,TheNLPTrainer’sExercisePack,aswellascustomisableandrebrandableNLPcoursemanualsthatwillsavenewly-qualifiedtrainersweeksofeffort.Youcanfindtheseresourcesatwebstore.nlppod.com.
Website,blogandpodcast:nlppod.comOnlinestore:webstore.nlppod.comTwitter:twitter.com/PracticalNLPContact:[email protected]
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