Passion & Purpose - Amazon Web Services€¦ · into living with passion and purpose. In this align I’m going to share why chasing passion is not working and what to do instead;

T R A N S C R I P T

Passion & Purpose

S A L O N N O . 3

Salon No. 3 - Passion & Purposemodern day icon

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S A L O N N O . 3

Passion & Purpose

Hi, and welcome to Salon number three, Passion and Purpose. This is Tonya Lee, your hostess for Become a Modern-Day Icon. And I am extremely excited about what I’m going to be sharing with you today on the topic of passion and purpose.

When I look back over my own life, I realize the pivotal shift that happened when I stopped chasing the very things that we’re told we should be searching for. And as a result, I began to show up in my life very differently. And when I did, things started to magically, I guess you could say, fall into place.

You see, the iconic woman looks at passion and purpose very differently. And this is why they’re able to unlock their dreams and desires with less struggle and more ease. When you think of the iconic woman, one of the main attributes that she possesses that creates her magnetic appeal is her passion.

I had someone asked me an interesting question not too long ago during an interview, and the question was, “Tonya, how did you fall in love with yourself ?” And my answer was actually quite simple. I fell in love with the world. I stopped doing what I see so many women doing that keeps them from living passionately, and that was, I stopped trying to fix myself. And I asked myself instead, if I didn’t think I needed to be fixed, what would I be doing?

And suddenly like a flood of just juicy answers came to me. You see, for many years, I spent most of my energy trying to fix myself, that precious energy that I could’ve been using to discover what turned me on, what my passions were, giving to others, laughing more, traveling more, exploring new hobbies, new ideas, all of the things that I wanted to do, but I thought I had to fix myself first.

Here’s the problem with thinking that you have a problem. The more you focus on it, the bigger it becomes. Remember, what you focus on grows. So where is your focus right now? When I stopped focusing on my perceived problems, I realized I had so much more energy to channel elsewhere. That’s when I realized that when I wasn’t focused on problems, what was underneath was a very passionate and alive woman, a woman who was curious about the world, who wanted to try new things, meet new people, discover new ideas and countries and anything that helped me create the sense of vitality and a liveliness.

I started exploring more of what I loved. And I also started looking for beauty in every moment. And everything and I mean everything began to change. And that’s exactly what we’re going to be discussing today. And so let’s dive into living with passion and purpose.

In this align I’m going to share why chasing passion is not working and what to do instead; how to find your passion and purpose immediately, and it’s not where you think; how showing up for your life right now will change everything; the real purpose of your life; the secret belief that will shift your entire state of being; how to navigate your iconic journey starting in this moment; and finally why your to-do list will never bring you results unless you shift this one thing.

So let’s start by talking about the first two points: why chasing your passion is not working and what to do instead and how to find your passion and purpose immediately. Many women come to me and say, “Tonya, I want to find my passion.” And what I tell them is that passion is not found out there, it’s within you. It’s what you bring to every



moment, whether you’re washing the dishes or presenting to an audience of a thousand people.

Unfortunately, most people are searching outside of themselves for passion, but I want to share something very powerful with you. Passion and purpose is not out there, it’s within you. Underneath the layers of perceived problems, issues, and flaws lies a very passionate woman who has something that only she can offer to the world. However, it’s impossible to be both passionate and alive and miserable, confused, overwhelmed, or insert any negative emotion in there.

Your mind is designed to create the experience you ask for. Unfortunately, most people are subconsciously asking for the wrong things. For example, let me ask you a question. When I asked you to fill in the blank to the statement “I am,” what comes to mind? For many women, they’ll say, “I am overwhelmed. I am confused. I am fat. I’m broke. I am lonely.” And if that’s who you perceive yourself to be, then that will be your experience.

However, what do you think your inner passionate woman declares herself to be? Again, your iconic appeal is within you, it’s not out there. And as you harness it, live it, and offer it to the world, you’ll begin to create a very different experience. This happens because when you are in a passionate state, you are in a creative state.

However, when you’re resisting and struggling life, you’re in a reactive state, which often leads to having the same experience over and over and over again. This is why I talk about taking inspired action. I’m human, and I have those moments where I’m not feeling passionate, where I’m not feeling inspired, and yet there’s a blog post to be written, there’s things that I want to do. So when I’m in a state of resistance in reactivity, I stop and I do my work to get back into that passionate state before I try to create.

It doesn’t mean I don’t do anything and wait for it to pass, it means I do my work so that it will pass more quickly. And once it’s passed, I’m back to my passionate state of being. And from there, I create.

So the question is how does one began to live more passionately? Many years ago I decided to try something different. For years, I’d woken up dreading my day. And I made a conscious decision that I was going to begin to wake up each day and start with appreciation and a very powerful affirmation. I would say things like, “I love my life. I am love. I am abundant. I am passionate.” One of my favorites was I would say to myself, “I cannot wait to see what this day has in store for me.” It was a positive expectation that put my brain to work to find a more positive experience.

Now, I want you to keep in mind that I was doing these things when my life wasn’t in the best shape, but what started to happen is that by doing this morning practice, they were

tools that guided my behavior for the day. The result was I began to show up differently. I began to show up passionately and as I did, things began to change in my outer world. That’s when [inaudible] school availed itself to me. And I showed up with passion even though I didn’t even know how to pronounce the word [rozey 00:07:39]. I think I caught it rose wine during the first class. But that’s a whole different discussion.

Then I was asked to work as a food and wine writer even though I had never done it before, but I showed up with passion. And just like that, I began to have more and more opportunities that led to where I am today.

The point here is I had to do two things. I had to be passion, and I had to focus on the things that brought me more passion. So I want you to ask yourself, how are you showing up in the world? Who are you declaring yourself to be? Are you showing up with passion? Are you looking for those things that bring you more passion? And if you’re at a point in your life where you don’t know what those things are, I promise you, if you began to be passion, you are going to begin to find more passionate experiences.

So this leads me to our next topic, and that is life purpose. When most people think of their purpose, they directly



go to what they think they should be doing in the world. Usually it’s associated with what they are doing to make a living. And I get it. I thought that was life purpose for a very long time. But I realized I had it all wrong. We’re not simply here to make a living, we’re here to live fully, to make an impact.

And when I realized that my life purpose was so much more than what I did, what I did began to change. So we’re going to do a very quick exercise. I want you to grab a piece of paper or you can open up a document on your computer. And at the top I want you to write “My life purpose is.” And I want you to begin to brain dump words, phrases, and thoughts without filtering. And if this seems hard for you, it’s probably because you have a lot of limited beliefs around your worth, your purpose, and life in general.

And so I want you to access your inner iconic woman and let her do the writing. And let’s see what comes up. This usually takes about 15 minutes. So please pause the recording and just start free flowing. And I’ll be here waiting for you when you return.

So how was it? I know when I did this exercise for the first time, I was surprised to find out what my true purpose was. I’m often reminded of a dinner conversation in the south of France many years ago. I was asked at the table full of people from Italy and France and Spain the question, “What do you do?”

And I immediately went to talking about being a mother, and a nurse, and all of my other doings in the world. And finally literally the table began to yawn. And one gentleman turned to me, and he said, “No, not what you do, what lights you up, what brings you passion?” And I had been such a doer in my life, and I had associated my worth with what I do. And I’d never really given a lot of thought to what my passions were or what my true purpose was in life.

So in this exercise, I discovered my unique reason for being. And what I came up in this exercise was my purpose is to live with passion, love, and beauty, to inspire greatness in others, and to courageously approach each day with a sense of appreciation and intention. The beauty of this type of life purpose is that you can apply it to every moment of your life, not just when you’re at work or in a certain situation.

If you notice, the iconic woman has a certain presence that we adore whether she’s on or offstage. That’s the power of having a deep purpose that goes far beyond what you do as a living. It’s who you are. It’s your purpose for being on this planet. And the world needs more women living on purpose.

When it comes to the whole life purpose conversation, I love what Eleanor Roosevelt has to say. She said, “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the upmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” So here’s a little golden iconic nugget: The purpose of your life is to live fully and bring meaning to the life you have now, not the one you hope to have one day.

Your life purpose is not something you do, it’s who you are. And when you become more of who you are, what you do will become more and more clear. The good news here is that no matter where you are on your journey, you can begin to live on purpose right now in this moment. So here are some great questions to ask yourself: How can I begin to experience more joy? How can I love more? And note this love should always start with you first. How can I live more? How can I share my strengths and my gifts more? How can I inspire more? How can I add to another person’s life?

Again, thinking back to my own journey, I realize now how much time I spent trying to fix myself and all of that energy that could have been channeled into offering my gifts to the world, learning new things, and living passionately. Yet as we discussed in a previous Salon, our darkest places will often become our greatest reward. They will fuel our passion.

Because of my dark places of battling with my body, battling with my money, I had a lot of battles in life, like most women, but I like to think that I’m more passionate now than someone who just read a book on the topic. I know



the pain of the existence, and so I’m so passionate about supporting other women in freeing themselves from that state of being.

I also know the pain of growing up in a poor home and being destined to live in a little town with a very grim future. Because I was able to persevere and make something of my life, I am passionate about helping other women see their true potential. And because of my rendezvous with Paris and how it changed my life and my perspective on food and femininity and pleasure, I am now so passionate about sharing that wisdom with others.

You see, the deeper the darkness, the more passion is brewing underneath. For those like yourself who are willing to learn and grow and transcend those dark times, you’ll become even more passionate because you’ve experienced the contrast of the two. And

then you get to decide where you’ll channel your passion and live on purpose. When you think of the iconic woman, you’ll find that she’s passionate about those things that are dear to her heart and probably places that were at one point very dark, and she channels that into her life purpose.

For example, Jane Goodall made her purpose the welfare of animals. Mother Theresa made her purpose about charity and helping the less fortunate. Julia Child made her purpose about food and French cuisine. Diana Vreeland me her purpose about fashion. Simone de Beauvoir made her purpose about writing and feminism. Nina Simone made her purpose music. So what is your purpose in life? What is the meaning you’re going to give to it? Where are those passions? What’s calling you? Where you channel your passion to live with more purpose is merely a decision. And yet that’s what stops so many women. They remain in indecision for many years for many reasons: afraid of choosing the wrong thing, afraid they don’t have what it takes, afraid that they’ll be judged. And the list goes on and on.

And when I see this happen, it tells me there isn’t enough passion behind the purpose. And the reason that passion is lacking is that there are still many layers of resistance because, as I said earlier, underneath all of those layers, you are a very passionate and alive woman. So start now by declaring your passion by being passion, by showing up passionately, and by being willing to explore how you can live with more purpose and be constantly affirming who you really are.

Your “I am” statements are creating your life. So repeat after me: “I am passionate.” And this leads me to our next point, how showing up for your life right now will change everything. Again, many people are waiting for everything to change around them so that they can feel a certain way. But the iconic woman, she doesn’t wait. She shows up for her life right now. And why is this important? Well, like attracts like. So waiting will only attract more waiting. But showing up with passion will attract more passion.

Another one of my favorite quotes is by Rumi. He wrote, “With passion, pray. With passion, make love. With passion, eat and drink and dance and play. Why look like a dead fish in this ocean of God?” So if you want to fill your life with passion and purpose, show up with passion now and live on purpose now. Be passionate when you’re washing clothes, when you’re driving your kids to school, when you’re sitting down to write, when you’re getting dressed in the mornings. In all things, be the passionate woman you are.

By doing this, you’ll be adding purpose to every moment because you’re fully living, and as you do, you’ll begin to attract opportunities and attractive a very different experience. So let’s discuss the secret belief that will shift your entire state of being. Are you ready? Here it is: again, making decisions from where you want to be, not from where you are.

Let me give you an example. When I started my business about, what, four or five years ago, I had two readers on my blog: my mom and my dad. And at the same time, I saw colleagues of mine getting very frustrated and feeling lack because they didn’t have



thousands of readers. But I made a conscious decision to act as if I had 20,000 subscribers. And each week I showed up passionately and sent out a newsletter. And slowly I began to grow subscriber by subscriber.

Had I stayed focused on where I was, I would’ve felt frustrated and hopeless, and I would not be where I am today. What I did is that I acted as if I had everything I wanted. And because of that, I showed up passionately, and I gave it my all, and I acted professionally, and consistently, and persistently and all of those things that are attributes of successful people.

Another example I have is around my weight loss. For many years I stayed focused on where I was. I stayed focused on the problem. And as we’ve already discussed, what you focus on grows. And, again, that state of being just created more hopelessness, more frustration, more sadness. And so I began to act as if I was already at the weight I desired to be.

And what ended up happening is that I felt excited and full of vitality. And the result was I began to make very different choices that led to my weight loss. Acting as if you have everything you want changes the way you show up in the world. It’s this feeling of trust in the universe, a sense of faith, and you can begin to relax into it. And when you show up differently, you have a very different experience. as I’ve said many times already.

So think of something that you desire to have. What if it was on its way and your only job was to relax and act as if it’s already yours? How would you be showing up? What words would you be speaking? What behaviors would you have? How would you feel? If you desire more money, act as if you are wealthy right now. Perhaps you tip a little bit more at the restaurant or pay a little more on your debt. Give honor to where your life is abundant.

If you desire companionship, act if your ideal mate is on his or her way. There’s a really great story that I heard one time about this woman who practiced this acting as if. And what she did, for many years her garage was packed. And she would always park in the middle, so one of the first things she did was clear out one side of the garage. And she could see her ideal mate pulling in that open spot.

She also cleaned out one side of her closet so that when this person arrived, they would have a place to put their clothes. Instead of sleeping in the middle of the bed, she started sleeping on the side of the bed that she would sleep in if her ideal mate were lying beside her. And within months her soulmate came along. And they were married within the year. That is the power of acting as if.

And what you’ll find is that when you act as if, it brings out the passion within you. You’re no longer living in that state of fear or lack, but you’re in that creative, passionate state of being. And as you’re treating each moment with passion and staying on purpose, you’ll begin to open yourself up to what lights you up, the people who get you excited, the books and music that turn you on, and the experience that match how you’re showing up in the world.

Now it’s time to talk about our very last point, and that is why your to-do lists will never bring you results unless you shift this one thing. I seem to attract a lot of women who love, love their to-do list. And I’ll admit that I’m also one of those women. There’s such a sense of reward in checking off that list. Yet I spent many years doing that and not feeling like I was gaining any momentum in my life. I was simply on the treadmill of existence and reactivity. And here’s why.

Your life is not being created by what you’re doing, but by who you are being. My dear friend Julie likes to say, “It’s not about strategy but alignment.” Yet I’m not one of those people who thinks that you can just sit around being without taking action. So you’re probably wondering, “Well, what’s the answer then, Tonya?” Well, here it is: I want you to first and foremost be concerned with your to-be list more than your to-do list. Let me give you an example. My old to do lists looks something like this: Attend PTA meeting, pick up groceries, pay bills, go to gym, wash the dog, go to work, come home, cook dinner, and just reading this bores me to tears. Why? Because an iconic woman



doesn’t live her life by a to-do list. She is more concerned with who she’s being and how her presence is impacting the world over what she’s doing.

Now what I do is each year I sit down and I plan out my entire year. And it is all based on the woman I want to be. And from that, I began to think of the things I want to do, the projects I want to undertake, the pleasures I want to experience, and the adventures I want to have. But at the core of my planning system is who I want to be. So when I break that down to a day-by-day basis, I start my morning with my to-be list, those powerful “I am” statements that we were discussing earlier. And then my to-do list becomes the results of that.

So let me give you an example: Just this morning I woke up and I wrote, “I am passionate, excited, focused and creative.” And because I have mapped out my year and I know what projects are on my plate, I can then begin to break it down to the projects I’m going to work on today, the pleasures I want to experience today, and the adventures that I want to have in the upcoming days and months. And because I’m intentional, today’s to-do list looks something like this: Reach out to the Charleston venue for the November event, buy tickets for Paris, sign up for tango lessons, watch a little World Cup, which I’m so enjoying, by the way, write Frenchy Friday, three private client sessions, and calling up an old friend.

Now, keep in mind, keeping my house clean, paying my bills, and all of the other life responsibilities are still a part of my to-do list, but because I focus on what lights me up first, what brings me joy and more passion, I am in such a different state of being. And those other things are done with much more joy and ease than those days when that was all that was on my list. When that was all that I was doing, my life felt so empty.

But when I started creating space for more pleasure, more joy and passion, that’s when my life began to change. So remember, it’s not what you’re doing as much as it’s who you’re being. Decide that first and then let your to-do list come from that.

So I want to leave you with one of my other favorite quotes. You’ll find that I have a lot of favorite quotes, but this one is by Mary Olivier, or excuse me, that would be Mary Oliver. I just broke out into a little French, but she said, “When it’s over, I want to say all my life, I was a bride to amazement. I was the bridegroom taking the world into my arms. When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder if I have made up my life something particular and real. I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened or full of argument. I don’t want to end up simply having visited the world.”.

This week I want you to go out there and be a part of the world. Fill it with your passion. Choose to live on purpose, and be iconic.

Passion & Purpose - Amazon Web Services€¦ · into living with passion and purpose. In this align I’m going to share why chasing passion is not working and what to do instead;

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