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. . . part of your task - like that of every other person - is to supplement what your parents have
given you, to find other sources of parenting.
You need more mothering than your mother could give you,
more fathering than your father had to offer . . . .
- Henry T. Close©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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IF IT’S NOT ONE THING,IT’S YOUR MOTHER:
How to Move Beyond Blameand Reclaim Your Wholeness
Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW, CSATMarch 1, 2011
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Van Heppelin
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Objectives
Importance of family of origin experiences
Understand connection between childhood experiences and current issues
Understand family of origin work (Pia Mellody/Survivors)
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Myths & Misconceptions
“I didn’t have any abuse in my childhood.”
“There’s no point dwelling on the past.”
“My childhood has nothing to do with my ____________ (relationships/addiction/depression, etc.).”
“This is a waste of time. Can’t we just deal with the real issue?”
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Why it Matters
Inevitability of childhood trauma
Shame Core
Carried Feelings
Healing childhood is an inside job (re-parenting)
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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The Extremes
Over-protective/Hyper-empathic Blaming
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Over-protective/Hyper-empathic
“It wasn’t really abusive.”
“She had a bad childhood.”
“He’s an important person. It was difficult for him to make time for me.”
“My Dad was so mean. There was nothing she could do.”
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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The Blame Game
“The reason I’m an alcoholic is because of what he did (or what he didn’t do).”
“My life would be __________ if she would/wouldn’t have __________.”
“Because of them, I will never __________.”
“My resentment toward them is justified.”
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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The Middle Way
Over-protective/Hyper-empathic Blaming
Telling the truth (about the past)and taking responsibility (for the present)
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Inevitability ofChildhood Trauma
Nature of the child (dependency/vulnerability)
Caretakers as first experience of a Higher Power
Child brain development
Naturally egocentric
Length of childhood
Not “adults in little bodies”
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Overview of Developmental Immaturity Issues
Nature of the Child
1. Valuable
2. Vulnerable(Protection)
3. Imperfect(Reality)
4. Dependent(Needs/Wants)
5. Spontaneous and Open
Childhood Trauma
Core Issues
1. Self-Esteem Issues(Less Than vs. Better Than)
2. Boundary Issues(Too Vulnerable vs. Invulnerable)
3. Reality Issues(Bad or Rebellious vs.Good or Perfect)
4. Dependency Issues(Too Dependent v. Anti-Dependent or Needless/Wantless)
5. Moderation/Containment Issues(Out of Control vs. Controlling of Others)
Immaturity
Secondary
Symptoms
1. Negative Control Issues
2. Resentment Issues/Raging
3. Spirituality Issues
4. Addiction IssuesDepressionPhysical Illness
5. Intimacy Issues
Unmanageability
Relational Problems
1. Relational Esteem Issues
2. Enmeshment and Avoidance Issues
3. Dishonesty
4. Problems with Interdependence
5. Intensity Issues
Problems with
Being Intimate
© Pia Mellody
causes both drive all three create
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Shame CoreChildhood Wounding and
The Development of the Shame Core
© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
Emotions, qualities, and characteristic grow (or fail to grow) in
proportion to how much each is nurtured/wounded/neglected.
All abuse increases the shame core.
Wounding
Event
emotions/qualities/
characteristics
Conscious
Unconscious
shame
Wounding
EventWounding
Event
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Dynamics of Childhood Wounding and The Shame Core
© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
Conscious
Unconscious
External
event/
trigger
Reaction/
Response
External
event/trigger
Reaction/
Response
emotions/qualities/characteristics
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We Don’t KnowWhat We Don’t Know
What is trauma/abuse?
Template (relationships, etc.)
Calibration
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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The Way OutIdentify significant childhood events
Tell the truth
Integration of Functional Adult
Reintegrate child states (especially the Wounded Child and the Adapted Adult Child)
Re-parenting
Ongoing internal boundary work with major caregivers
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Trauma
Defined by Pia Mellody as “anything less than nurturing”
Trauma results from events that are experienced as overwhelming, inescapable, and over which we are powerless
Trauma is “frozen energy” held in consciousness and body until it is discharged/released
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Somatic Experiencing
Developed by Peter Levine
Focuses on body sensations
Helps release trauma stored in body
Helps cultivate resilience
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Identify Significant Childhood Events
Understand abuse/trauma
physicalsexualemotionalintellectualspiritual
Timeline
overt vs. covert
enmeshing abuse vs. neglect/abandonment
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Tell the Truth
What was it really like?
Reality vs. Fantasy
Grieving loss of how we thought it was
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Integration ofFunctional Adult
Five Core Issues:
Esteem
Boundaries
Reality
Dependency
Moderation
©Pia Mellody
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Conscious Integration of Child States
Identify child states (especially the Wounded Child and Adapted Adult Child)
Listen
Gain trust
Begin process of re-parenting
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Re-parenting Skills
Functional Adult:
Affirming
Nurturing
Setting limits
©Pia Mellody
Criticizing
Attacking
Indulging
vs.
Adapted Adult Child:
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Boundary Workwith Caregivers
Giving back carried feelings:
anger
pain
shame
fear
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Benefits of Family of Origin Work
Tools/choices
Taking responsibility
Eliminates resentment (victim anger)
Improves parenting of own children
Forgiveness
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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I hope you wi$ not be embarrassed at your need for parenting, and that you wi$ be humble
enough and determined enough to find effective ways of getting it.
- Henry T. Close
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW
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Questions
©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW