Buy “Help! My Teenager is an Alien” now on Amazon. Join the FREE on-line community http://www.myteenagerisanalien.com Sarah Newton Leading Teen and Parent Coach http://www.sarahnewton.com 1 Help! My Teenager will not make any decisions about his future……. “He lies on the sofa all day, won’t even discuss his future and just expects us to provide for him forever” Sarah Newton Unpublished chapter from Sarah’s Bestselling book “Help! My Teenager is an Alien – the everyday situation guide for parents”. Buy the book now at Amazon . Join the Free “Help! My Teenager is an Alien” network.
How to help your teens make good decisions about their future. . From youth expert Sarah Newton http://www.genyguide.com
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Buy “Help! My Teenager is an Alien” now on Amazon. Join the FREE on-line community http://www.myteenagerisanalien.com
Sarah Newton Leading Teen and Parent Coach
http://www.sarahnewton.com
1
Help! My Teenager will not make any decisions about his future…….
“He lies on the sofa all day, won’t even discuss his future and just expects us to
provide for him forever”
Sarah Newton
Unpublished chapter from
Sarah’s Bestselling book
“Help! My Teenager is an
Alien – the everyday situation
guide for parents”. Buy the
book now at Amazon .
Join the Free “Help! My Teenager is an Alien”
network .
Buy “Help! My Teenager is an Alien” now on Amazon. Join the FREE on-line community http://www.myteenagerisanalien.com
Sarah Newton Leading Teen and Parent Coach
http://www.sarahnewton.com
2
My Teenager will not make any decisions about his future. “He lies on the sofa all day, won’t even discuss his future and just expects us to provide for him forever”.
During this chapter we will follow Ruth and David as they attempt to get their layabout son Julian
off the sofa and to take some responsibility for his life.
Parents can become very frustrated when they find that all the hard work they have put into their
teenager for sixteen years is wasted when he refuses to even think about his future. Instead, he
spends all day on the sofa expecting to be waited upon hand and foot.
All is not lost! I have worked with many teenagers and their parents in similar situations. They
can be turned round.
We ought not to forget that this can also be an extremely challenging time for the teenagers and
though they may not appear to be bothered, believe me they are. Attempting to decide, at
sixteen, what you want to do with the rest of your life is a daunting and frightening prospect,
particularly nowadays when the options are far greater and the “job for life” ethos no longer
stands. Teenagers nowadays know they are going into a different career market from the one
which existed for earlier generations. Life is more competitive, only the best really get a chance
and many jobs are no longer safe or secure. Some, like Julian, totally switch off, hoping the
whole thing will go away.
So are you ready to meet Julian and see what we did?
Julian lives with his parents, David and Ruth, in a nice suburb in Surrey. He
goes to a public school and is about to sit his exa ms. He is the kind of lad that
will do well. He does just enough to enable him to get through but persuading
him to do any more has been a losing battle. He is a gifted child, well liked and
fairly good at most sports. Just an everyday sort of boy really. By the time
David and Ruth came to me they had both given up on his school work and
since he only had four weeks until his exams I thou ght our time could be spent
more constructively in other areas. Julian had a g ood relationship with his
parents and really he had been no trouble at all. That was until they started
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3
asking him about his future - it was a “no-go zone” . Any polite mention of
college, career or “what will you do when you leave school?” was met with a
brick wall of silence. This would be followed by i solation at a play-station
marathon or by sitting in front of the TV for hours watching war films. David
and Ruth were getting more and more frustrated with the situation. The more
they pushed the more he resisted. Stale-mate had b een reached!
I see this kind of situation so often in a family, where the parents are so desperate for their child
to make a decision about their future, that every single minute they get alone with him, they begin
to question him about it. While this is understandable and is the action of very caring parents, it
can make the teenager feel trapped and to not want to be with his parents. This had been going
on for so long now and the more Julian refused to talk about it the more they asked, it was a
vicious circle that was created out of desperation. Ruth and David were refusing to let the matter
go. In situations like this you need to break the circle. It is obvious that a sixteen-year-old is
unlikely to do this because of lack of experience and judgment. It is up to the parents to swallow
their pride a little and do something different. In this case what Ruth and David needed to do was
to take the pressure off themselves and to put the choice onto Julian, at the same time setting
very clear guidelines about what was and was not acceptable.
I asked Ruth and David what their worst fear was in this situation. They looked
at each other and almost said in unison “That he be comes a no-good layabout
and expects us to pay his way for the rest of his l ife.” “Will you do that, will
you pay his way?” I said. A resounding “No” came f rom both of them. “So
your worst fear is that he will expect you to pay h is way and you are not going
to do this. What is it that you are worried about? ” They both stared at me in
shock. I expect that this is something they had ne ver thought about before, -
the fact they did indeed have a choice. They certa inly could not force Julian to
choose a career, but they could set down guidelines of what they would and
would not do. “We just don’t want him to waste his life” David said. “Isn’t that
his choice?” I remarked “ There is after all so muc h you can do and then it gets
to a point where it is over to him. He has to be t he one to make the choices. ”
David looked at me despondently and agreed it was J ulian’s choice, he had to
be the one to make it. “It doesn’t mean we cannot help him along the way
though.” I smiled, sensing that David and Ruth wer e losing all hope. “What we
need to do is to spend the time between now and whe n Julian finishes his
exams, to make a plan.”
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It can be soul destroying if, having spent sixteen years of your life preparing your child for the
moment he leaves school, you then find that he is not as enthusiastic about his new-found
independence as you hoped. What some parents can do, out of frustration, is to force their child
to make decisions about the future and to make them too soon. These decisions are never easy
and take time. Your teenager may need to come to his own conclusions and if you push him it
will not speed up the process. He may still be deciding what he wants to do with his life when he
is forty! It is his choice and what you have to do is to take the pressure off him early on. Take the
pressure off yourself as a parent at the same time and put the choice back on to him. You can
then decide what new agreements you may need to establish that take into account that your
child is nearly an adult. Not making a decision about the future now is one thing, sponging off
you for the next four years is another!
I gave Ruth and David two pieces of homework. The f irst was to make a list of
the “guidelines “they wanted to implement once Juli an left school. The second
was to simply lay off Julian and not ask him any mo re questions about his
future. He was, after all, studying for his exams and this was a stressful time
for him. I asked them to go home and say to him “J ulian, we know we have
been nagging you about your future and we apologise , we know the choice is
yours and we trust you to make the right one.” Th ey were rather sceptical but
I told them it was crucial for them to do this if t hey ever wanted him to make a
decision. They went home and told him. This was met with a grunt, a strange
look and a retreat to the bedroom.
It is important during this testing time that you keep your relationship intact and on a steady
footing. You will need this for later on when you start talking about guidelines. If every time your
teenager talks to you, all you do is mention the future and college, then he will keep out of your
way and just stop all communication. Who wants to be nagged at all the time? If your teenager
thinks that you are taking full responsibibility for his future planning then why on earth should he
himself have to think about it. Sometimes, backing off and giving your teenager some space can
be the most constructive way to move forward.
Ruth and David found this extremely hard and had to bite their lips on many
occasions, wanting so desperately to get him to mak e a decision. I cannot
even begin to tell you how many distraught ‘phone c alls we had. However
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they were true to their word and they left him alon e not asking him anything
about his future. After a few weeks the atmosphere in the house began to
change as Ruth and David left him alone more and mo re. Julian became less
obstinate and difficult, they started laughing more together and he would even,
on some occasions, switch off the play-station and watch TV with them. Ruth
and David still had to hold their tongues a lot of the time but they did not crack
once. They stuck to their word, giving a very powe rful message to Julian.
One, that he could trust them and when they said so mething they meant it and
two, this was his life and he alone was truly respo nsible for it.
When they came back to see me they had their guidel ines with them. It had
taken them all of four weeks to prepare them with l ots of heated discussions.
They now had a firm list that they both agreed on.
This is their list.
1. We are prepared to support Julian in any way we can if he wants to go to
college, however we want to know that the college c ourse he picks will fit
into his future plans.
2. If Julian is not going to college then after a six-week gap we expect that he
is contributing to the household and has a job.
3. If Julian has a job then other than food and lod gings we will no longer fund
him.
4. If Julian does not go on to further education th en we expect that he will no
longer be living at home after the age of twenty.
5. If Julian goes to college that is out of the are a then we will, as previously
agreed, buy the car but we will not fund the runnin g of it.
6. We will support Julian in any way we can to get a job or get into college but
he needs to ask us for what he wants.
When they showed me their list they looked very ple ased with themselves and
so they should, it was precise, to the point and ve ry clear. “It makes us feel as
if we have some control over the situation now” sai d Ruth. It became clear that
doing this list it had helped them to let go and wh ile they still wanted the best
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for Julian and were prepared to help him in any way possible, they felt that
really the choice was his now and they were equippe d for anything that would
happen.
Most parents in the same situation as Ruth and David feel they have no choice or no control over
it. It can feel as if you are walking on eggshells and the teenager is totally in control. This is
absolutely not the case. You always have control and choice but the only thing you can control is
yourself and the only thing you have choice over is your own decisions. There is some freedom
that comes from realising that and knowing that you can take back the control.
The next step now was for Ruth and David to share t hese Guidelines with
Julian. I asked when they wanted to do that and the y agreed that they would
wait for two weeks after the exams had finished and they would tell him then.
Julian Finished his exams, Ruth and David still stu ck to their word by not
nagging him about his future and everyone was happy . Two weeks passed and
crunch day approached. I had asked Ruth and David not to make a big thing
about approaching Julian with the guidelines and ju st have an adult
conversation with him about it. They were very go od at doing this and just
said “Julian now you are sixteen you have finished school, your exams are
over and we need to revisit our commitment to you, can we have a
conversation?” After looking at them slightly odd then getting a panicked look
in his face he agreed. Together Ruth and David we nt through the new
guidelines with him explaining what each one meant and their reasons for
picking them. Julian stayed very quiet throughout the whole process just
looking as if his world had just fallen in. They made sure that he fully
understood everything they said and the conversatio n was ended. I think that
Ruth and David were expecting at least some resista nce or a “alleluia moment”
where Julian suddenly realised the error of his way s and asked for their
forgiveness. None of this happened of course and t hey had a long wait for
Julian to have any breakthroughs.
Julian did not speak to them for about a week and a ppeared to go back to his
despondent self that he had been before the exams. My advice to them was
just to carry on as they had been doing. We did no t know what Julian was
trying to sort out in his head, we could only help him when he decided he
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7
wanted help. This continued for another three week s and Julian’s six-weeks
deadline loomed closer. Ruth and David began to pa nic and it looked very
unlikely that Julian was going to make a decision. They were going to have to
implement their guidelines.
Then one day while Ruth was cooking Julian came dow n and started to hang
around in the kitchen, something he rarely ever did . He started talking about
what she was cooking and the weather and it became very apparent that he
wanted something. “Can I help you at all?” Ruth sa id “ It looks as if you want
to ask me something” Julian looked down at the flo or and began talking “
Mum I really want to do something with my life but I just don’t know where to
start or what to do – what shall I do?” Bingo, we had lift-off!
Ruth and David held on a little while longer than they thought they should have. As parents we
often step in before we need to, trying to solve things before giving the teenager enough time to
come to his own conclusions. One of the most powerful tools we are taught in coaching is the
power of silence. Giving someone extra time, more time than is comfortable, is a sure way to get
a person to come to his own conclusions. Ruth and David left Julian alone far longer than they
thought was right. It had taken many ‘phone calls to assure them that they were doing the right
thing. I have two sayings which are based on my years of dealing with teenagers. One is
“Expect breakthroughs to look like breakdowns.” In my experience, whenever we have a
breakthrough with a teenager it usually follows a breakdown of some sort. The other is “When
everything is falling apart it is actually falling together”. I have nearly always found that when
everything appears to be going wrong, and all appears lost, a few days later, everything falls into
place. The courage comes from the adults holding off a little while longer than we think is right
and giving the teenagers the space that they may have never had before.
Julian has asked for help and now we could give it to him. He was ready. That
help was to come from me. I could now spend a few days with Julian taking
him through one of my coaching programmes designed for this situation.
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Interests The things that you love doing and that make you happy.
Abilities The things you are naturally good at and able to do easily and effortlessly.
Skills The things you have learnt to do.
Purpose What you want to achieve in your lifetime.
Personal Style The style in which you approach everything you do.
Values What is important to you, the principles that you want to live your life by.
Goals The outcomes that you want to achieve.
Qualities Features of your personality.
Time Out
When working with teenagers involving their future, I use a rather
controversial method that does not look at grades at all and keeps
them out of consideration. I use a system that I made up for myself
when I failed some exams and realised I needed some motivation.
Since then, I have used it successfully with many teenagers.
The system is based on the principle that to be successful in
planning your future, there are eight key aspects of your character
and personality that you need to understand.
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9
During my first day with Julian my main aim was to get all the information I
needed from him so that we could, on the following day, use it to make plans.
To do this I asked Julian a series of questions and did a lot of detective work.
The first aspect we considered was Abilities. Juli an felt that he had natural
ability in these five activities and that he did no t need to put any special effort
into them:-
Sport
Studying
Maths
Making friends
These eight aspects, when looked at together and considered as a
whole, will help the teenager to come to his own conclusions about his
next steps - based on what he is good at, what he enjoys and what he
wants to do.
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10
Having Fun
You can do this exercise at home with your own teenager. Either ask him directly “what do you do
that you find easy and do with very little effort”, as I did with Julian, or use the indirect approach.
For example, every time your teenager does something that works out well or is easy for him,
draw attention to it by saying “You seem to have a natural ability with Maths, well done”. This is
better than saying “good result with your Maths test”.
Julian and I then moved on to Skills – the things y ou have been taught and
have learnt to do, as opposed to the things you are able to do naturally and
without much effort. One person may pick up a guit ar and have a natural
aptitude for it, whereas another may have to be tau ght and then practice what
has been learnt before getting it right. To help t eenagers identify skills I show
them a version of a chart I use when I am teaching the Highlands Ability
Programme to organisations. This defines skills in different ways and
teenagers find it much easier to understand.
Skills List
Manual Skills – Putting things together, building things, using machinery/computers,