My will to live : my story of surviving the Holocaust

MYWILLTOLIVE

MyStoryofSurvivingtheHolocaust

ByHenryRamek

AsToldToEveGordon-RamekandAnneGrennSaldinger

TableofContents

Tributes

Foreword

Preface

ChapterOneMyFamily

ChapterTwoMyEarlyLife

ChapterThreeSchool

ChapterFourBecomingaRabbi

ChapterFiveOurCommunityinMlawa

ChapterSixTerrorandEscape

ChapterSevenThePlonskGhetto

ChapterEightDeportation

ChapterNineLifeinAuschwitz

ChapterTenSurvivingAgainstAllOdds

ChapterElevenNearingtheEnd

ChapterTwelveWorkingfortheAmericans

ChapterThirteenFindingAnna

ChapterFourteenLifeinAmerica

ChapterFifteenBeingaPartofOaklandHistory

ChapterSixteenReturningtoMyRoots

Copyright

Tributes

It was a Shabbos (Saturday) morning shortly after moving to NorthernCalifornia, I was leading a Torah class before services when an elderly andvenerablelookingpersonenteredandstoodtotheside,astheclasscontinuedIcould not help but notice the sparkle in his eyes. Following the class heintroduced himself as Rabbi Henry Ramek. I had just had the privilege ofmeetingoneofthemostremarkablepeopleIwouldevermeet.ThelifestoryofHenryRameksisnotjustoneofanindividualwhosurvived

the horrors, torture, pain and suffering of the holocaust, rather it is a story ofperseveranceandthewilltoliveinthefaceofthedarkestandmostchallengingoftimes.Henry is a never ending sourceof inspiration, advice,wisdomand clarity to

countlesspeople.Speakingtohimyouknowheistalkingfromtheheartandyoufeelhisdeepempathy,careandaffection.Henry is driven by love, a love of life, a love of his people and a love of

humanity,hewillnothesitatetoputtheneedsofanotherbeforehisown,takingakeen interest in thewell-beingofallhecomes incontactwithandprovidingsupportandassistancetothoseinneed,inadditiontocontributingtoamyriadofcharitiesandorganizations.HaravElchononasweadmiringlycallHenryhas left an indelible impacton

thousandsofpeople,whetherbyhearinghisstory,hissoulstirringprayerswhenhe leads the services, his teachings, insights, anecdotes, advice or just anupliftingandinspiringgoodwordwhichhealwaysseemstohaveready.Iamforevergratefultobeabletocallsuchaspecialanduniquepersonadear

friend.~DovberBerkowitz

Itisuniqueinone’slifetomeetsucharareandspecialpersonasRabbiHenryRamek. I had thepleasureofmeetingHenry almost 30years agowhen I firstwalked intohiskoshermeatmarket. I immediately realized then thathewasaverywiseandgentleman.Hehasneverchanged.Heisalwayswillingtohelpotherswhenhecanandbelievesitistherightthingtodo.Hiscompassion,will,

intellect, tenderness and humor are among his many qualities. He is deeplysensitivetocriticalsituationsinpeople’slives,andhasshownthecapacitytodosomething significant about them. My husband and I are fortunate to countourselvesasdearfriends.Henrywasaholocaust survivorwho lived throughhorrendousatrocities that

areimpossibletocomprehend.WhenHenrywasliberated,hepersonallycaughtoneof theworstNazi soldiers from the camp.He later came toAmerica, andrealizedhehadachoiceoftwopathstofollow.Whenhecametothatforkintheroad, he knewhe could be bitter or better, and he chose to live his life beingbetter and enriching the lives of everyone who has had the special honor ofknowinghim.Becausehehasexperiencedhatredanddiscrimination firsthand,hecanspeaktotheseissues,andpeoplewhohearhimknowheistalkingfromtheheart.Henry travelsallover thecountry speakingabout theHolocaustandeducatingchildrenandadultsalike,sothattheyunderstandwhat“NeverForget”means.AlthoughIadmiremydearfriendforamyriadofreasons,itishiscaringabout

humanity, and his feelings for other’s pain and struggle, that make himunconditionally committed to a life of love and service to his fellow humanbeings. Henry’s faith to his religion is all encompassing, and his drive anddeterminationtoseizeeverydayandmakethemostofitisaninspirationtoallofus.Heisaveryreligiousmanbutreligiousinawaythatisinclusiveofotherswhomay have different beliefs and values. He continues to wear many hats:Rabbi, scholar, teacher, mentor, sage, husband, father, grandfather and greatgrandfather.Histalentsaremany.HissenseofcommitmentisOne.ThehighestcomplimentIcanpaytoHenryRamekisthathehassomanyof

thegreatqualitiesmyfatherhad,foremostamongthem,generosityofsoulandspirit.Henry’swealthofhumanexperiencesisprofoundlyinspirational.Myhusband

and I aregrateful for his friendship, and I feel honored tohavebeen asked towritethisforeword.Iamcertainthisbookwillmakeadifferenceinthelivesofall who read it, as Henry has in the lives of those who have know him. InYiddish,thereisaword“mensch.”Itisnotlimitedtogender.Itmeansapersonofmoraldimensionandspiritualworth.HenryRamekisamensch.

~EstherMoranItwaswithgreatjoythatIlearnedthatmydearfriend,HenryRamek,plannedtopublishhisrecollectionsof thedecadesofhis life.Theyearsofhisexperienceincludesomeofthemostimpactfulperiodsinhumanhistory,andreflectaworld

thathasundergonetumultuouschange.HissharingletsusseethroughthelensofhiseyestheimagesoflifeinJewishEuropebeforethesecondworldwar,thehorrorsandatrocitiesoftheHolocaust, thewanderingsandrebuildingafter thewar,andthelifeofanimmigrantnewtoAmericanshoreswhobuildsafamilyandasuccessfullifefromtheashes.He is amanof great strength and tenacity, a survivorwhose story is oneof

hope and determination. His message includes cautionary tales as well asinspiringremindersthatonemaynevergiveup,andrevealsamanpassionateinhiscommitmentsandgenerousofspirit.MayHashemblesshimandhisfamilywithmanyyearsofgoodhealthandhappiness.Infriendship,

~JudahDardikSeldominthesedaysappearsamanwhocaninspireourreligiouscommunity.RabbiHenryRamekissuchaman.Asasurvivor,heisspokesmanforthosesixmillionwhosevoice isnomore.Inbeautifullyaccentedtonesofabygoneera,the ElMolehRachamim echoes throughout the Shul.His powerful intonationbespeaks the cries and wailings of the terror and suffering inflicted onhumankind.Hespeakswithaclaritynowmorethaneverneededtobringtheirforgottenvoices to life.WhenRabbiHenrydavens,whenhechants,andwhenheprays,hisvoiceresoundstotheheavensexhortingusalltoremember.Thankyouforbeingoursonorousvoiceinatimewhentheaudacityandarroganceofvoices of terror and destruction are beamed throughout theworld.Thankyou,Rabbi Henry for your strength, your steadfast conviction, your kindness andlovingnature.WeareproudtocallyoufriendandRabbi.WithLoveandAffection,

~RichardandNaomiApplebaum

Foreword

ItisnoteasytodojusticetoHenryRamek’slifestory.Ihavebeenlisteningtomanystoriesovertheyearsandhavealwaysbeenamazedathowmuchhehassuffered, and yet how much he has accomplished. The real story is how heovercame somany obstacles through his sheer strength ofwill and succeededagainstallodds.Ibelieve thatHenry is a truehero.Youwill readhereabouthow,under the

mosthorrifyingcircumstances,hethoughtnotonlyofhimselfbutalsoofhowhecouldhelpothers.Throughouthislife,hehashadstrongimpulsestobringaboutjustice,toshowcompassionforthosearoundhim,andtohelptheunderdogandthoseinneed.WhenHenrycameintomylife,hisloveoffamilyextendedtomychildrenas

well.Hehasbeenaninspirationtomysons,JosephandDavidGordon,andhashelped me enormously with my third child, Kenny, who is brain-damaged.Kenny was an adult when Henry met him, and Henry has helped in such acompassionate way with his care, bringing Kenny home for visits and evenarranging for him to have a barmitzvah in our synagogue.This speaks to theexemplarycharacterofHenryRamek.Asdifficultas it is to rememberpainful times, IencouragedHenry to record

hisamazingstory forposterity,notonly for the importance itplays inhistory,but so that we can all learn from this remarkable man. As fellow AuschwitzsurvivorViktorFrankl said, “In someways suffering ceases tobe suffering atthemomentitfindsameaning…”

~EveGordonRamek

Preface

ThereweretimesinmylifewhenIdidn’twanttospeakaboutwhathappenedtome.Therewere timeswhenI felt thatothersdidn’twant tohear thehorrors. Irealize now that I must tell my story. Not only to honor the memory of myfamily,notonlytopayadebttothemanynamelessheroeswhohelpedme,buttoensurethatthenewgenerationsofmyfamilywillgrowupknowingwhowewere,wherewecamefrom,andwhatourlifeintheoldcountrywaslike.Gratefulformylifetoday,Ihavetoldmystoryinthehopesthatmychildren,

grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and the generations to comewill know allthatwesufferedandlostandwillneverexperiencesuchanightmare.Whatfollowsare,tothebestofmyrecollection,myexperiencesofbeingpart

ofthemostearth-shattering,destructivechapterofthe20thcentury.Itellthesestoriesbecause I believe it is vital to ourhistory andvital to the futureof theJewishpeopletopassthisknowledgeon.Thisbookwouldnothavecometobewithoutthesupport,perseverance,and

visionofmywife,EveGordonRamek.Iamsothankfulforherconstantbeliefinme.IalsowanttoacknowledgeandthankAnneGrennSaldingerforherhelpin producing this book. She was able to edit and write my story withoutchangingmystyleorthemeaningsIwishedtoexpress.Idedicatethisbooktomyfamilyandwanttothankallofthemforbeinginmy

life:my children,Dr.LeoRamek,Dr. JosephRame,k and hiswifeNava;mygrandchildren, Michael Ramek and his wife Dr. Karen Koser, Talia RamekTennenbaumandherhusbandEphraimTennenbaum,andAlexRamekandhisfiancé Talia Lavin; andmy great-grandchildren, Yitschak Tennenbaum, JacobTennenbaum,andBasyaAnneTennenbaum.

ChapterOneMyFamily

Iamtheonlyoneofsixty-threepeopleinmyfamilytosurvive.Thereweresomanygoodpeople…WhywasItheonetosurvive?WhyamIheretoday?Wasitmybelief inGod?Were theangelsMichaelandGabrielwatchingoverme?Was itmyquickwit, or good luck?Fatewouldhave it forme to survive andbecomeafather,agrandfather,andagreat-grandfatherdespitealltheobstaclesIfaced.Fatewouldhavemebeheretotellmystory.IwasborninPolandinacitybythenameofMlawaonOctober2,1918.Iwas

born inMlawa, that’s all I know. I know very little about the circumstancessurroundingmybirth,becauseitwasn’tsomethingthatmyparentstalkedabout.Afterall,Iwastheninthoftwelvechildren;Iwasthethirdfromthebottomandtheyoungestson.TodaymynameisHenry,butthentheycalledmeChunele.MyHebrewname

wasElhanan.My fatherwas averypiousman, sohewent to the rabbi togetsuggestionsfornames.Thatresultedinmostofthechildreninmyfamilyhavingbiblical names likeSara,Leah, andYaakov (Jacob). In those days, everybodyhad a nickname, and they calledmeHochem– itmeans “the smart one.”Myfather’snamewasLieb.Hewasaverytallman–over6’5”–sotheycalledhimthe “Hoicher Leib” (hoicher is Yiddish for tall). Therewas an atmosphere offamiliarity.Everyonekneweveryoneinourtown,andtheycalledeachotherbynicknames,oftenaddingan“l”totheend,whichwasasweetaddition,atermofendearment.An example is how they calledmy brotherYakavol forYaakov.Even when the name wasn’t so complementary (like Blind Sara), it was saidwithlove.Our family namewasRamek. I alwayswondered if it wasn’t cut short, but

that’s theonlynameIknew,and the familydidn’t talkabout it.Maybe itwasonce something like Ramkosky. But I didn’t have the chutzpah to ask anyquestions. You just didn’t ask questions of your parents. You only answeredwhat you were asked, and couldn’t question or reject. That’s how we were

trained.Asthesayinggoes,“Childrenshouldbeseenandnotheard.”Athomeandlaterintheyeshiva,thatisthesystemIgrewupwith.Myfatherwasaveryfinepersonofthehighestmoralcharacter.Hewasavery

kindandmild-manneredman.IrealizedwhatagoodapersonhewasasIgrewup andwhen I became a great-grandfather. Hewas such a gentle person—hewouldn’tkilla fly. Imean literally,hewouldn’tkilla fly.Therewerea lotofflies in our town, but if I tried to kill one or even just hit itwith a rolled-uptowel, he would say, “No, no, no, si nichst fa dir.” He meant, “This is notsomethingforyoutodo.”Hewouldexplain,“It’sacreaturesenthereforsomepurpose.”Ifoneofuskidswantedtosteponaninsect,hewouldsay,“No,no,no…Thislittlefellowhasgotajob.”Thegentleness,thesanctityofeverything–that’ssomethingIlearnedfromhim.Icalledmyfather“Tata.”Tatastudiedandprayedasmuchashecould.Being

aJewalwayscamefirst.AsstrictlyobservantJews,myfatherdidn’twantanyPolishinthehouse,andwespokeonlyYiddishathome.ButoutsidehespokeRussian and Polish very well, even though he didn’t have formal schooling.Father’s family originally came from the village of Szrensk. Itwas a fair-sizevillageinthevicinitywheremanyJewslived.TheycametoMlawa,whichwasbiggerandmoreofacity.Myfatherworkedasabutcherbecause that is theworkhecouldget.Jewish

peoplecouldn’tget just any job theywanted.ThePolishpeoplewouldn’thirethem, so they relied on work that they could do by themselves, like being abutcher, a shoemaker, or a carpenter. It was hard to findwork for the youngpeople too.Wewanted to help our families but couldn’t even get a job on afarm,likemilkingcowsorhelpingwiththeharvest.Theywouldn’thireJews.SoPapawasabutcher.Hewouldgo to themarketandbuy the liveanimals

andthenbringthemtoaslaughterhouse.Itwasageneralslaughterhouse,andhehad topay theownersomething like twentyzlotys inPolishmoney touse thefacility. There, Father met another shochet (kosher butcher). There had to bethreebutcherstoslaughterthemeatinakosherway.Itwasabigbuildingwithmany butchers; on the right sidewas the koshermeat, and on the left all theothermeat,includingpork.After slaughteringanddoing thecutting,Papawouldbring themeatback to

his shop,whichwas a simple stall in themarket.Onemerchant after another,therewererowsofstallsinthemarket,andthatiswheretheysoldthemeat.WeevensoldtotheChristianfamilieswholikedtobuykoshermeat.Wedidn’thaveacashregisteroranythinglikethat.Papawoulddothemathinhisheadandjust

reachintohispockettomakechange.Motherwouldhelphimonbusydays,andthat’showtheymadealiving.Buthedidn’treallymakemuchofalivingatall.Attheendoftheday,therewasn’tenoughtosupportafamilyoffourteen.Wemight have had more to eat if my father had been a more aggressivebusinessman.My mother was Esther Bloomstein. I called her “Ma-meh.” She was from

Plonsk,acitynottoofarawayfromMlawa.HerparentslivedinPlonsk,butwedidn’tseethemoften.Eventhoughitwasn’tsofar—itwasadistanceofmaybefortykilometers—forourfamilyatthattimeitmightaswellhavebeen400oreven4,000miles…Itwouldtakethreedaystogettherebyhorseandbuggy.Orwecouldtraveltherebybus,whichtookjustaslongbecauseitstoppedateachvillagealongtheway,waitinguntiltherewereenoughpassengerstocontinue.MotherwasjustasreligiousasFather.Icanstillseehersittinginthecornerof

theroomwithamagnifyingglassforoneeye,likeamonocle.Theydidn’thaverealglasses.Iwouldaskher,“Mameh,whatareyoudoing?”Shewouldsay,“I’mreadingtheBible.”ShereadinYiddish.Idon’tthinkshe

could readPolish. I don’t knowhow she did it – she found time to pray, shehelpedmyfatheratthemarket,andshetookcareofallofuschildrenunderthemostdifficultcircumstances.Youshouldhaveheardthewaymymothertalkedtouskids.Nomatterwhat

thecircumstances,shealwaysspoketouswithlove.Neitherofmyparentshadformalschooling,buttheyweresointelligentandhadsuchwisdomaboutthem.Theyhadcommonsenseandalwaysakindmanner.Theyweregoodpeoplewhohadahardlife.Wewereabigfamilytotakecareof.Myparentshadachildabouteveryyear;

wewere twelve children in all. I didn’t really keep track ofmy siblings’ agedifferencesand things like that.Wenevercelebratedbirthdays.Afterall,whatwouldwe have celebratedwith? Therewas nothing to spare to do somethingspecial.TheoldestchildwasmybrotherYaakov.Hewasabout6-8yearsolder than

me,andIalwayslookeduptohim.Hewastall,good-looking,andathletic.Hehadaspecialbicycleforracing,whichwasabigdealbecausewehadsolittle.Hecompetedandhedidverywell;heusuallycameinsecondor thirdplace.Ialways encouragedhim to compete and toget a fewdollars fromwinning therace.He competedwith theGermans.Whenever therewas a race in a certaintownclosetotheborder,hewouldgothere.Yaakovwas thefirst togetmarried.Hemarriedadistantcousin fromanice

familyinPlonsk.Thefatherofthegirlhemarriedsoldschmates(oldclothesandfabric),andhedidwell.Theywererich—at leastcompared toourfamily.Butthemanhaddiedyoung, andhiswidowwas leftwith twodaughters.YaakovmarriedoneofthedaughtersandmovedtoPlonsk.WeknewPlonskbecausemygrandparentslivedthere,butbythetimeYaakovmovedthere,theyweren’taliveanymore.Hadassahwastheoldestofthegirls,andshewasinchargeofthecookingfor

ourfamily.Assoonas thegirlsgrewup, theydid thecooking.LeahwasafterHadassah.Shewasabout4-5yearsolderthanme.MysisterLeahwasadancer.It seemed like shedisappeared everyday to godancing.Shewasn’t religious,andshewantedanotherlife.Shewasthesecondinthefamilytogetmarried.Itwasaproblemfor thegirls togetmarried,because theywere fromapoor

family. They were the nicest girls, but the boys didn’t want to marry a girlwithoutmoney(adowry).Youcouldbethebestwife,butyourprospectswerepoorifyoudidn’thavemoney.Togiveyouanidea,Irememberjustnextdoortherewasarichbutcherwithtwodaughters.Theythoughttheywerebetterthanusbecausetheyhadmoney.Theywouldn’teventalktous.Onedaughterwasalittlecross-eyedandmean.Sorrytosay,butshewasnotagood-lookinggirl.Butthe father bought for her a nice, good-looking guy from the next village, andtheygotmarried.Otherwisewhowouldmarryher?That’showthingsworkedinthosedays.Myotherolder sisterwasRouge, orRose asyouwould say inEnglish.She

was a good-lookinggirl, and shehad long, longblondehair—almost red.Shewas a seamstress. She becameknown among someof the richChristian girls,andtheywouldcometothehousetohavehermakedressesforthem.Shewouldmeasure themand tell themhowmuch it cost,maybe twenty zlotys, and theywouldreturntopickupthehandmadedressinthreeorfourdays.Shewasverygood,andtheyusedtosayshehad“goldenfingers.”Ouryoungersisterswouldhelphersewonthebuttons.Theother girls inmy familywereRivka,Cesha, andSara.Thegirls always

seemedtodothingsasagroup,separatefromtheboys.MyotherbrotherswereSarka, Tuvia,Moshe, andYehuda (we called himYidl). Therewere also twochildrenwhodiedinchildbirth.Butmyparentssaid,“ItwasGod’swill.”Notallofmyofmysisters andbrothers agreedwith the strict religiousbeliefsofmyparents.MyolderbrotherTuviawascompletelyagainstreligion,butonethingthatheandtheothersknewwas,outofrespect,nevertotalkabouttheirfeelingsregardingreligioninfrontofourparents.Myparentsdidn’tknowhowtheyfelt.

Mygrandparents,thegrandparentsonmyfather’sside,wereJosefandNicha.Theylivedablockawayfromus.Mygrandfatherwasabutcherlikemyfather,because that was the only opportunity he had. My grandparents were old-fashioned people, but my grandfather was not as religious as my father. Ofcourse,hewent toshul(synagogue),buthedidn’tgo tostudyorspendallhisfreetimeprayinglikemyfatherdid.When I was a little child,my father tookme to seemy grandparents every

night. Day in, day out, we went to visit every evening except on Shabbos(Sabbath).Andifittookalongtime,Iwouldfallasleeponthebedoverthere.Ilovedandrespectedmygrandparents,butIalsofeltsorryforthembecausetheyseemed so alone – especially becausewewere somany in our home.Later, Ilearnedin theyeshiva the importanceof takingcareof theold,andIhadevenmorecompassionforthem.My father had a sister named Miriam. She was about 6’5” tall, with long

blondish-red hair. In America she would have had a career as a model or abasketballplayer.Butthere,inthattime,peoplewerecruelandtheydidn’tliketoseea tallwoman.Shewasostracizedbecauseofherheightandcouldn’tdoanythingbut sell fruit in a stall in themarket.Shewasnot considered tobe agoodmatchbecauseshewouldbe taller than thehusband.Shestayedclose toherparentsandnevermarried.Myauntsandunclesonmymother’ssidealllivedinPlonsk.Ihadnocousins

who livedcloseby.Wehardlyever saw them; Idon’t evenknow if Ihad thechance tomeet all of them. And then, after the war, they were all gone.Wedidn’ttraveltoPlonsk–thattooktimeandmoney.It’snotliketodaywhereyouflytoNewYorkinfivehours.Then,everythingfeltsofaraway.

ChapterTwoMyEarlyLife

Iwas told that Iwasa lovablekid. Ihadblondehairandwas tall formyage.Peoplewouldtusslemyhairandgivemeagoodword.Igotalongwithpeople,Ididn’tbotheranybody,andIdidwhatIwastold.IwasFather’sfavorite,andhewantedmetofollowhimlikealittlesheep.SinceIwastheyoungestoftheboysandbecamemore religious thanmysiblings, Iwasalwaysabit separate fromthe others. Iwas not really close to any ofmy brothers and sisters except forYaakov.AfterIstartedgoingtoheder(religiousprimaryschool),Ididn’tspendmuch time at home. I didn’t want any arguments with the others, but I feltdifferently than theydid. I got indoctrinatedwith religion.Forme, everythinghadtodowithTorahandtherightandethicalwaytolive.Ourfamilywasvery,verypoor.Thepovertywasmiserablebutwecouldstill

feelhappinessbecausewehadeachother.I’veneverseenafamilylikeours;wegotalongbeautifully.Inmymind,Iseethepictureofusallgatheredaroundthetable for Friday night dinner.Wewere poor, but we always had our Sabbathmeal – it was a matter of honor and tradition. Many nights we went to bedhungry,buttherewasnocomplaining.Therewasnosaying,“Sorry,Idon’tlikethattypeoffood.”Weweregratefulforwhatevergotputonthetableinfrontofus.Youwouldn’tsaytoanoutsiderthatyouwerehungry—thatwasn’tthewayitwas.Weweretooproudtobeg.Wemadedowithwhatwehad,andwehelpedeachother.Therewasnopettiness.Ilearnedwhatafamilyshouldbe.Here Ihaveencountered familieswhodon’tgetalong.Sometimes theyeven

gotocourt tofightoveraninheritance, tofightoverabedorawatch.Whataterrible,petty thing tohavesuchconflictoverproperty. Inmyday,youwouldfeel ashamed to have such problems.Chas ve’sholem – God forbid that youshouldsaysuchathing.Our livingconditionsweremeageranddismal.Thehomewas justoneroom

andwasmadeofwoodandscrapmetal.Itwaslikeashanty,withnoinsulationandlotsofdrafts.Wehadamakeshiftpartitionbetweenthegirls’andtheboys’

area,butitwasbasicallyonebigroom.Actually,itwasnotsobig–thewholehousewould fit into a typical living room inAmerica.Wemade the partitionwith a curtain.Most of us slept on the floor.Myparents had a bed, and theywouldtakeinsomeoftheyoungerkidsinthefamilyuntiltheywereabouttwoyears old. The girls had a banquette, whichwas like a long bench. They hadburlapsacksthattheywouldstuffwithstraw,andthatwasthemattressthattheylaidoutonthebanquette.Theyhadtopatitdownhardtomakeasurfacetheycould sleepon.Theywould sleep there together, and then in thedaytime theywouldclearitawayanduseittositon.Therewasn’tmuchmoretotheinsideofthehouse;itwassimpleandbare.We

didn’t have a realkitchen.Whatwehadwas ahole in thegroundwithbricksaroundit,andthatwaswherewebuiltafire.Thatwastheextentofourkitchen.Weputinthecoalsorwoodorwhateverwehadandrubbedit,blewonit,madeafire,andkeptitgoing.Thatwashowwekeptwarm.Wedidallthecookinginabigpot.Wewouldhavethatbigpotthereonthefire,andsomethinglikesoupwouldbecookingthewholedayandmaybethewholenightaswell.Hoursandhourswerespentcooking,whiletodayitwouldtakeonlyafractionofthetime.Therewasnoindoorplumbing,nowaterinthehouse.Wehadtowalkdownto

thesquaretogetwaterfromthecitypump.Theboyshadtocarrythewaterinbuckets from quite far down the street. In the winter it was terribly difficultbecausethewaterwouldfreeze,andthepumpwascoveredwithdripsofwaterthathadfrozenintoicicles.Once,asIstruggledtowalkhomewithabucketfulltothebrimofice-coldwater,Islippedandfellandalmostfroze.Iwastheonetobecomean icicle.Mybrothersbroughtmehomeandhad towarmmeup.Oy,don’task—itwasadifficultlife.Whenthegirlswantedtobathe,webroughtthemthewater.Then,whenthey

were ready to undress andwash,we had to go out of the house to give themprivacy.Thegirlsheatedupthewateralittlebitinordertowash,butthatwasn’teasyeither.Weonlyhadthatholeforthefire.Wedidn’tevenhavesoaptowashwith.Wedidnothaveelectricity,sowewaiteduntilthesuncameupandusedthe

daylightasmuchaswecould.Atnightweusedkerosenelampsthathadawickweneededtolight.Thiswasactuallyadvanced,becausethekerosenelamphadaglassenclosuresoitwassaferandprotectedfromthewind.When I think of that time, itwas a differentworld, a different lifetime.We

were dirt-poor and lived in unspeakable poverty.We had so little that for thefirstyearsofmylife,Iranaroundbarefoot.AssoonasIwasoldenough,Itried

tofindanyoddjobtobringafewpennieshome.ButnoonewouldhirealittleJewishboyevenforanerrand.ThenIfoundaJewishmanwhohadanorchardontheoutskirtsoftown.Hewouldn’tgivemeanymoney,butIwouldpickthefruitandreceivesomeinreturn.SometimesthatwastheonlyfoodIhadtoeatalldaylong.The one respite from our daily struggle was on the Sabbath; Shabbos was

sacred.Toprepare,wehadtotakedownthepartition,puteverythingaside,andclean up for Friday night. We had a table large enough for everyone to sittogether, and a tablecloth and candles. It was like a scenewith Tevye out ofFiddlerontheRoof.Theboysandgirlswouldallhelptoprepareandcleanup.Weallwashedupanddressedasnicelyaswecould,andthegirlscuttheboys’hair.Therewasacertain formality inourhome.Wedidaswewere told.Mameh

warnedusnottotouchanythinguntilourfathercamehomefromthesynagogueonFridayevening.WhenhewalkedinforourShabbosdinner,hewasliketheking–weallstoodup.Icanseethescenebeforemyeyes:wewouldallgatheraroundthetablewiththeShabboscandlesburningbrightly,andallmybrothers,headsbowedandeachwearingayarmulke,sayingtheblessings.TatawouldliftthecuptodoKiddush(saytheblessingoverwine),everyonesaid“Amen,”andeachtookjustatinybittohisorherlips.Ofcourse,wehadchallah,andasTatamadeHa’Motzi (blessingoverbread),everyoneputa littlebitofsaltonhisorherpiece.Onmostdaysweatewhatever scrapsFather couldbringhome,butFriday night was different. Our parents scraped together the money and didwhatevertheyhadtodosothatwecouldhavechicken.Itwasaheartymealthatwouldfillusup.Ifyoucouldonlyseethatroomandwhatwemadeofit–itisamazingwhat

peoplecandowithsolittle.Therewasloveandaconnectiontoeachother, toGod,andtoHalacha(Jewishlaw).Wewereattunedtowhatourdailypurposewas.Welivedbytradition.Weunderstoodtheplaceandtheimportanceofthemother,thefather,andthechildren.Wesacrificedforeachother.Thespiritwascreatedfromwithinourfamily.Buteverygenerationcomeswithdifferentideas.Mysistersandbrothers,they

went their own ways. They didn’t believe in my father’s approach anymore.Theydidn’t accept the eternal explanation thatHaShem (God)would provide.Theythoughtforthemselves.MybrotherYaakovsaidtome,“Whatgoodisthisbelief if God gives you twelve children and you can’t feed them, you can’tsupport them?” What is one supposed to say? He had a practical question.

HaShemdidnotprovideforwhatwethoughtweneeded.Thegirlsalsodidn’twanttohearaboutreligion.Theywantedtohaveasocial

life,togodancingandmeetboys.SometimeswhenIwasintheroomorontheothersideofthepartition,Iheardwhatthegirlswerediscussing.Iheardbitsofwhat theywere talking about, and I knew theyweren’t satisfied. Theywouldlookaroundandsay,“Whydowehavetolivethisway?”Theywere interested inwhatwasgoingonaroundus,and likemanyothers,

theywantedawayoutofourharshpoverty.Theywantedtogotosocialclubsand talk about politics. There were a lot of young people interested incommunism because that looked like a way out. The conditions we lived inmadeyouwant tobeacommunist.Theyfelt,“Whydo therichhavesomuchandwehavenothing,notevenenoughbread?”Thosewhodidn’thave,they’retheoneswholookedtowardcommunistideas.Idon’tknowifmybrothersandsisterswerereallyinterestedincommunism,buttheywereinterestedinlivingabetterlife.Mybrothersandsistersquestionedtheirlives,butneverdirectlytoourparents.

Whenweweregrowingup,ourliveswereveryprescribed,dictatedbytraditionand circumstance. We wouldn’t ask our parents any questions, and theywouldn’tanswerany.Even inourownhousewedidn’tknowwhatwasgoingon. If the girls were doing something together andmy parents came in, theywoulddropeverything.Outofrespect,theyneverassertedthemselves.IfIthinkaboutitnow,theparentshadtoomuchpowerandthechildrenwere

toofearful.Ibelieveithastobemorebalanced.WhydidIfeel thatIcouldn’task questions? I felt Iwould hurt themby challenging them.Out of love andrespect,Ikeptquiet.Iwouldaskaquestioninmymindandansweritformyself,knowingthatmyfatherdidn’thaveanyanswers.Wecouldn’tblamehimforhissituation or question why things were happening. He was a poor man.Whatcouldhedo?Ourlivesweresimple.Theyweredictatedbyreligiousprinciples,andwehad

fewchoices.FatherbelievedthatHaShemwouldsupplyuswithwhatweneededandleftnoplacefordoubtorchallenges.Tohonorourfatherandmotheranddoasweweretold—thiswasourlife.

ChapterThreeSchoolIstartedschoolatsixyearsold.Irememberbeingallbundledupand

walkingwithmyfather.Hewassotall,andIfeltsosmall.Hetookmebythehand,andIwouldjustlookupathiminawe.IbelievedinhimlikeIbelievedinGod–hewasmyGod.Wearrivedattheheder(religiousschool),andhesaidtotheteacher,“Thisismyson.”Thenhesaidtome,“Gointhere.”Hegavemenoexplanationofwherewewere

going.

That first day is still ingrained inmymind, but unfortunately not in a goodway.IwillneverforgetitbecauseofhowterrifiedIwas.Myfathertookmeandjust leftme there, and Ididn’tunderstandwhatwashappening.There I stood,feelingconfusedandlost,thetearsstreamingdownmycheeks.IthoughtIhadbeen abandoned. Father had made arrangements the previous day with thedirectorwithnotsomuchasawordtome.Religiouspeopledon’texplain.You

can’t imaginewhatwent throughmymind – thatmy parents didn’t wantmeanymore,thatthereweretoomanykidsathome.Icriedmyheartout.IwassadandforlornalldaylonguntilFathercamebacktogetme.Iwasaveryshelteredchildandknewonlymyhomeandmyfamily.Iknew

nothingabouttheoutsideworldandhadneverseenaschoolbefore.Thereweredozensofotherkidsthere.Theywereallboys—allJewish,ofcourse,speakingonlyYiddish.Theteachercameinandeveryonebecamefearfullysilent.Hewasasternoldermanwithalongbeardandpayos(sidelocks).Hesaidtome,“Sitdown.What’syourname?”Therewasnocomfortingorwelcoming.ItwasverystrictandOrthodoxtothe

letter.No nonsense. From the beginning,wewere in school for eight hours aday.Theywantedittobehardandwantedustoovercomethehardships.Theythoughtthatwastheonlywaytogetthebestoutofus.Theschoolwasabigbuilding,withthedownstairsareafortheyoungerboys

intheheder.Itwasstarkandbare,withboyafterboysittingnexttoeachotherat long wooden tables. Boys of many ages were taught all together. Once Istarted school, Iwent sixdays aweek. I cameeachday fromhomebecause Ilived in the same town, butmany of the kids had to stay there at the school.Many of the boys lived in the surrounding villages that had smaller Jewishpopulations.Theparentswouldoftenbarterfortheirchild’seducation–iftheyhadsomekindoflittleshoplikeformakingshoes,theywouldbringthosegoodstopayfor the lessons.Learningwas important,andmanyparentshad tobringtheirchildrenearlyeverymorning,evenif theylivedsomedistanceaway.If itwastoofar, thekidshadtostayandsleepthere.Someboysslept therefromaveryyoungage.Youcouldtellwhenyouwalkedin–itwasmustyandsweatyandsmelledoflittleboys.Itwasdemanding,andtheatmospherewasunaccommodating,butIgotused

toitquickly.Ihateditatfirst,buteventuallyIbecamefascinatedwiththestudyofTorah,andschoolbecamemylife.Eachyearwehadadifferentteacheruntilwe got to yeshiva (advanced religious school). The boys were well-behavedbecausetheyfearedtheteachers.Weweretold,“HaShemwillpunishyou.Godseesallandheiswatchingyouandyoumustfearhim.”Therewasnoplaceforquestionsorforexplanations.Theconditionsandthedisciplinewereharsh.Theteacher would sometimes punish you and sometimes slap on the table with aruler. I remember if Imisbehaved in some small way, like talking to anotherboy,theteacherwouldmakemestandupandtwistmyear.Thenhetookmeandpulledmebymyear.

Schoolwas everything tome, and I took it all very seriously.They gave ushomeworkaslittlekids,andwehadtopracticethealphabet,“thealeph,bais.”MyfatherwouldcheckonmeandonwhatIwaslearning.IwouldhavetoreciteforTata,andsometimeshewouldgivemeapenciltowriteforhim.Mystudieswere very important to him, and he helpedme to studywhenever he could. Iremember thatmy teachers likedme and thought Iwas smart. Thatwas veryimportanttome.Itgavemeprivilegesandmademefeelgoodaboutmyself.I learned only Yiddish in the religious school, and from the time I started

reading,IreadonlyreligiousbooksrelatedtotheTorah.Theydidn’tallowyouto read other books like romances or anything like that. I didn’t read thosethings. Even today I am uncomfortable with content that I think HaShemwouldn’tapproveof.WestudiedTorahandTalmud,includingtheGemarahandthe Misnah. These explanations and interpretations of Jewish law gave useverythingweneededtoknowaboutlife.Everythingwaswrittenthere–howtoliveandhowtoact.Forexample,I learnedthatonemusteathisfoodinsmallpieces,notonlybecause it ispolite,butalsobecause it ishealthier. Itgaveussuchwisdomtoliveby.I learned that“Compassiongivesyoueverything thatexists in theworld.” If

youwanttobeagoodperson,youhavetofeelforotherpeople,andyouhavetohave compassion. I learned this early in my life and tried to live my lifeaccordingly. I rememberone time I had received abit ofmoney–whichwasveryrareforme–andIcouldn’twaittospendthecoininmypocket.IwentbythebakeryintownandstaredinthewindowasIhaddonemanytimes.Isawawonderful littledelicious-lookingcake there,andIdesperatelywanted it. Ididbuyit,butinsteadofeatingitmyself(asmuchasIwantedto),Ibroughtithometomymother.Itwaspart ofour tradition andculture tohonor thy father andmother in all

ways.Thisalsomeanttoacceptthatmyfathermadealldecisionsforme.Whatmyfathersaidwasholytome,andIwasdedicatedtowhathebelieved.Iwastheonechoseninourfamilytohelpmyparentsupholdourreligiousobligations.This included responsibilities like visiting and helping our grandparents anddoingmitzvot(gooddeeds)atholidaytime.Eventhoughwehadsolittle,followingtheJewishtraditionsalwayscamefirst.

AtPurimwe sentpresentsofbabka (yeast cake), even thoughwedidn’t haveenough forourselves. Iwas theone todeliver it to theneighbors. I rememberonceIknockedon thedoorofsomewealthyneighbors.Theyopened thedoorandthemancalledout,“Who’sthisthere?Who’sthebeggar?”HowIlonged

forjustalittlepieceofthatcake,buttherewasnochancehewouldinvitemeinandoffermesome.Hejustshouted,“Goaway!”andsomeoneslammedthedoorin my face. I had to just leave the cake there and walk away feeling theemptinessinmystomach.Icouldnotunderstandhowpeoplecouldbesomean-spirited.ThesewereotherJews–membersofthecommunity–whoturnedtheirbacksonus.Thiswasa turningpointformeandchangedhowIsawtheworld.Iknewit

wasn’trightwhathadhappenedthere.TheJewsdidn’ttakecareofoneanotherthewayweshouldhave.Weretheeventsthatlaterbefelluspunishment?WerethePolishJewsbeingtested?Withalltheirwealth,itdidn’tdothatfamilyanygoodintheend.WhentheGermanscame,theyhadtobringacartotakeawayallthegoldandsilver.Andthentheytookthepeopleaway;alltheirrichesdidn’tsavethem…Ididn’t have friendsoutsideof school. I didn’t socialize, becausemywhole

lifewas inschool. Iwasnot free tobeachild—thewaywe livedandstudiedtookoverourwholelives.OurliveswereaboutreligionandbeingdedicatedtoHaShem. The only thing I did outside of school was to play soccer everySunday.Thatwasmy only exercise andmy only hobby. Iwas a good soccerplayer.Iwasthegoalkeeper.Iwasoutthereonthefieldrunningevenwiththepayos and tsitsis (ritual fringe). Iwasvery fast; I ran like thedevil andhad areputationforbeinganoutstandingplayer.Ineverset foot inapublicschoolanddidn’tknowwhat thatwas like. Iwas

sometimescurious,butIneverdaredtogoin.Iwasawarethattheminutetheylookedatmewithmypayosandreligiousgarb,theymightbeatmeup.Iknewmybrothersandsisterswent topublicschool,but Ineverwentwith themandknewlittleabouttheirlives.TheylearnedhowtoreadandwritePolishatschool,and I realized Ineeded toknow too. Idon’t rememberanybodyhelpingme. Iwould sneak some books from here or there, and I just learned Polish onmyown.IputtwoandtwotogetherandIfigureditout.EventuallyIlearnedseverallanguages,includingGerman,whichturnedouttobeveryuseful.IconcentratedonstudyingandlearningTorah.IdidhaveaBarMitzvah,butit

wasnobigdeal.Itwasverysimple;wehadnothinglikewhatIseenowadays.IwenttotheshulandtheyputaTalis(prayershawl)aroundme.IsaidtheMaftir(Torah portion), we davened (prayed), and that’s it. It was not really acelebration–inthosedayswedidn’thaveanythinglikethat.Mostyears,Ididn’tevenknowwhenitwasmybirthday.MaybemyMamehwouldmentionittome,butwe never got presents or did something special.Well, a goodmeal – that

wouldhavebeenspecial.Butactually,therewasoneexception.IreceivedagiftonmyBarMitzvah,andthatwasextraordinary.Igotawatch.Thatwatchwasnotreallyvaluable,butitwasveryimportanttome,andIalmostgotkilledforitlaterduringthewarbecauseIdidn’twanttogiveitup.OtherwiseIdidn’townanything else – I didn’t even have a bicycle. I had to rent the bicyclewhen IescapedtoPlonsk.Butthat’sanotherstory…To continue my religious education, I moved upstairs to the yeshiva. The

Talmud Torah Yeshiva was Orthodox and in the Hasidic tradition. It was anintenseandfocusedlife,andIspentallmytimewiththeteachersandthekidsthere.Iwastheonlyoneinmyfamilytoattendyeshiva,andthatsetmeapart.EspeciallywhenIalsostartedsleepingthere.Therewerenorealprovisionsfortheboys,evenaswegotolder.Therewere

nodormitoriesoranythinglikethat,andtheconditionsweregrosslyinadequate.Whenweslept,theroomwasfull–maybe200peoplepackedinlikesardines.Isleptinmyclothesonthefloorandrolledupmyjackettoputundermyhead.Wewouldcurlupinanypositionwecould,onenexttotheotherontheflooroftheclassroom. In themorningwecouldn’t even takea shower– therewasnowater.Noshowerandnoshave.Ihadtogowiththesameclothing.IfIwantedtowash, I had to bringmyownwater in a plastic bottle.And itwas ice-coldwater – just thinking about it makes me shiver. I was always a neat boy; Imanaged to keep clean and had my hair cut short (except for the payos, ofcourse).Every teacher at the yeshiva had to be ordained or certified as a rabbi.My

teacher was Rabbi Lange. He was a fine person and such a holy man. HeconstantlyconveyedtousaloveoflearningandaloveofTorah.Ialwayshavehimasanexampleofhowagoodmanshouldbe.RabbiLangewasverydevotedtostudyingandteaching,somuchso thathehardlyateandwasaveryskinnyman.Onmywaytoschooltherewasabeautifulappletree,andsoIwouldpicktwo beautiful apples – big red ones, and I would put them inmy pocket andalwaysgavehimone.Therabbiateanappleaday,andIrarelysawhimeatinganything else, not evenbread.But anytimeheput something inhismouth, hewouldsayabrucha (blessing).That issomethingI learnedfromhim–Isayablessingbeforeeatinganything,evenalittlecookie.

ChapterFourBecomingaRabbiMyfathertoldmehewantedmetobearabbi.Thatwasalottoaskofme.Iwasyounganddidn’tunderstandhowthingsworked.Butwhateveryouhearwhileyouaregrowingupinfluencesyou.SoI

believedIhadtodowhatwaschosenformebymyfather,evenif,inthe

beginning,Ididn’tlikeit.Afterall,webelievewhatwearetaught,andI

acceptedtheideathatIwasassignedmylotinlife.

AsIbecameimmersedinmystudies,Ibegantochange.Ifeltmoreandmoresureaboutmyfaith,andIdevelopedmybeliefinourteachingsandtradition.IbelievedinHaShem,andIcametobelieveverystrongly.Icametofeelthatitwasmydestinytobecomelearnedandbecomearabbi.Tobehonest,Ibecameindoctrinated.Tothisday,Torahstoriespopintomymind.AsIgothroughmylife, I am always thinking about which Torah story would be relevant to the

current situation. I started in heder and ended up becoming a rabbi. I trustedPapa that he knew the right thing forme to do, but I did have questions like,“AmIcapable?”Hesawsomethinginme,asparentsdo:thewayItalked,thewayIunderstoodthings,howIreactedandrespondedtothings.Hebelievedinme.AnditturnsoutIwasabletofulfillhisexpectations.Despitetheconditionsattheyeshiva,Ilovedtheplace.Mydreamwastobeall

thatmyfatherwantedmetobe.AndIknewexactlywhatmyfatherplannedforme:tobearabbi,ashochet(kosherbutcher),andadayan.Adayan isajudgeaboverabbis.ABeitDin(religiouscourt)needsthreerabbis,butthedayanhastobe there in all the important cases.Hehas the lastword.Whateverhe saysgoes.Ifsomethingisnotkosherandhesaysit iskosher,hisdecisionrulestheday.Adayanispartofthereligiousgovernmentandhasalotofpower.Atthattime,therewereonlytwoinallofPoland.Ibecamearabbiandashochet,butnotadayan,andthat’sbecausethewarbrokeout.Ineededtwomoreyearsofeducationtoaccomplishthat.FatherknewthatifIbecameadayan,theywouldberich.Iwouldhavebroughtlucktoourhome.Iwantedtobringthathonortomy parents and do whatever I could to bring them out of their poverty. Mydreamwas to buy them a better house – a real house – andmake their liveseasier.At the yeshiva, I always satwithRabbiLange.He recognizedmy potential,

andheknewhowtotalktome.Hechosemetohelptutortheyoungerboys.Heencouraged my advancement in my studies and was proud of myaccomplishments.IcontinuedmystudieswithhimuntilIwassixteenyearsoldand able to become a rabbi. He had influence, and because of him I got mysmicha (ordination)as suchayoungman.Hewasnotyounganymore,andhewantedmetofinishmystudiesquicklyincasesomethinghappenedtohim.Itwasunusualtocompleteone’strainingasarabbiasearlyasIdid,butRabbi

Langehadthegreatestconfidenceinmeandmyintellectandabilities.Itwasanenormousamountofhardwork;youhave to remembermillionsofwordsandpassages, dates, and stories. It was like a revolution in my mind, but I wasambitiousandconfidentinmyknowledge.Of course, itwas not only about learning andmemorizingwhat I needed to

know,butalsoaboutcarryingoutmyreligiouspracticeandbeingagoodJew.Iwasdevotedtomyreligiouslifeandprayedthreetimesaday.IsaidtheShemauponrisinginthemorningandupongoingtobedatnight.IfearedandobeyedGod,andmostimportantly,IobservedtheTenCommandments.IfeltlikeImustbecomethetypeofpersonthatthewholeworldcantakeanexamplefrom.Like

RabbiLangewasforme.RabbiLangepreparedmewell formycertification, teachingme thesubjects

heknewIwouldneedandhelpingmelearnquestionsheknewIwouldbeaskedat theexamination.Hewasonmysideandwantedme to succeed. In fact, hewageredhiswholeteachingcareerandreputationonmyabilitytopassthetestsandriskedbringinginthemostimportantrabbisfortheoccasion.Iprepareddayandnight, andwhen Iwas ready, itwas arranged forme to appearbefore theBeitDin,apanelofthreerabbis.Finallythedaycameformyformalexamination–adayIremembervividly.It

wasoneofthemostimportantdaysofmylife.RabbiLangeandalltheyeshivaboys were in a state of great anticipation. The boys looked up to me andunderstoodwhatagreataccomplishmentthiswouldbe.RabbiLangecalledmeto the window when the excitement began. “Look, they are here!” heannouncedexcitedly.Each rabbi came with his own entourage, showing great wealth and status.

Theyarrivedinthreehorse-drawncoveredcarriagesandpulledupinfrontofthebuilding.Theyeachhadfourbeautifulhorsesanddriversdressedinfineblacksuits.Whenthethreerabbisexitedtheircarriages,theywerewearinglongblacksilkfrockcoatsdowntotheirankles.Undertheircoats,theyhadonshortpantswith large sashes around thewaist andblack stockings to thekneewithblackshinyshoes.Theyworehugeshtreimels(hats)madefromfurandvelvet.OntheinsideofeachhatbandtherewasawhitesashdedicatedtoAbraham,Isaac,orJacob.Theyalsoworeyarmulkesunderthebighats.Threeof themost important rabbis inEasternEurope arrived for the special

occasion of the Beit Din. They came from all over Poland. The Gerer Rabbi(Rabbi fromGer), the LublinerRabbi (fromLublin) and the ShedlitzerRabbi(fromShedlitz).Theycametomyyeshivabecauseitwasunderthejurisdictionof theGererRabbi,whowas ourRoshYeshiva (principal).Hewas especiallyscholarly and respected; you might compare him to the Pope, he was soimportantinourreligiouscommunity.Iconsiderittobeahighlightofmylifetohave been singled out for a special blessing by the Gerer Rabbi. It is anexperienceIwillneverforget.Therewassomuchtensionintheairthattheatmospherewaselectric.Avisit

fromevenoneoftheserabbiswascauseforgreatexcitement,andtheexcitementwasamplifiedbecauseIwassoyoung.Itwasagreathonornotonlyforme,butalso for our whole yeshiva community. I felt ready, but I was nervous andintimidatedbythespectacleofitall.

Whentherabbiscameintothelargestudyhall—thegreenroom—Ibowedtothem,asiscustomary.Everyonebowedtothesewell-knownandreveredrabbisoutofextremerespect.Thentheexambegan,andtheystartedfiringquestionsatme.IwastestedontheParshaYisro(Yitro),aTorahportionfromthebookofExodus. Itwasvery intense. Itbeganatabout10:30 in themorningand lastedforfourhours.Therabbiseachhadtwoshamasim(helpers)waitingintheouterroom.Atonepoint,oneof theGererRabbi’shelperscame inandasked ifhewanted lunch.He said, “Yes,please,” and theycame inwith foodwrapped incloths that they had brought with them. I remember how good the foodsmelled,buttheydidnotsharewithme.IhadonlymycustomaryredapplethatIhadpickedformyself.RabbiLangewaswaitingandlisteningtotheexambehindacurtain.Hewasso

excited and listened intently to each question and each answer that I gave.Several of the other yeshiva students also listened in.When I finished, RabbiLangemade a signal tomewith his finger to letmeknow that hewashappywithmyperformance.Aftertheexam,therabbisagreedthatIhadpassed.Theystoodup,shookmy

hand, and congratulatedme. Then, when they were about to leave, the GererRabbiaskedmeaquestion.Hesaid,“Well,isthereanythingyoudon’tknow?”AndIanswered,“Yes,thereisagreatdealthatIdonotknow.”Theyall laughed. Ihadneverseen theGererRabbi laughbefore,buthewas

pleased.Thatisexactlywhathewantedtohear.Heresponded,“Good,myboy.Nowyouarearabbi.”Iknewthat ifIhadbeenasmartaleckandsaidthatIkneweverything, they

couldhavedeniedmethesmicha.Itwasathrillingdayforme.Iwasoneoftheyoungesttoreceiveordinationin

all of Europe. They called me HaRav Elhanon Ben Aria. Rabbi Lange wasbeside himselfwith happiness that I hadpassed.All theyeshiva boys clappedandsaid,“MazelTov!”andwehada littlecelebration.Myfathercame to theschoolandsmiledandgavemeabighug.IknewIhadmadehimproud.When Iwent home that evening,mymother kissedme onmy ear and said,

“Hello,Rabbi.”

ChapterFiveOurCommunityinMlawaMlawawasafair-sizetowninnorthernPoland,notfarfromwhatwasthentheGerman

border.ItwasclosetotheMlawaRiverandsurroundedbyforests.IthinkitwasalittlenicerthanmanyotherPolish

townsbecauseoftheGermaninfluence.TheGermanswerealwaysabitmoreadvancedandbettereducatedthenthePoles.Thelocalmunicipalitytriedto

beautifythecityandmakeitnice.Therewerecobblestonesandsidewalks,notlikeinsomeofthesmallervillages,whereitwasallunpavedandmuddy.

Mlawawasknown for itsmarketplace,whichwas in thecenterof the town.Therewasalargebuildingdatingbacktothe16thcenturywithatallclocktower.

Therewererowsofstalls, like theoneourfamilyhad,sellingfoodandwares.EveryTuesdaywasatradeday,andpeoplewouldcomefrommilesaround.Theplace came alivewith the hustle andbustle of the bargaining andbartering ofgoods.Peoplewould renthorses so theycouldbringahorseandbuggy togeteverything they needed. The farmers brought chickens, eggs, vegetables, andwheat—everythingyoucan imagine.Theyalsobroughtcowsandcalves tobeslaughtered.Theysoldwhatevertheycouldandbroughthomeasackofmoneyandthegoodstheyneeded.TherehadbeenaJewishpresenceinMlawaformanyyearswithmanyofthe

families likemine,originating from the surrounding townsandvillages.ThereweremanyJewishcraftsmenandpeddlerswhotraveledfromvillagetovillageandcametoMlawabecauseofthemarket.Idon’trememberhowmanyJewishpeoplelivedthere.AtthetimeIdidn’tthinkaboutthingslikethat,butI’veheardthat there were about 1,500 Jewish families. Mostly the Jews had their ownneighborhoodsandlivedseparatelyfromtheChristianPoles.There was a thriving Jewish community, with different groups of Jews and

variedculturalactivities.TheJewshadtheirownorganizations,thelargestbeingtheJewishCouncil,likeafederation,orwhatwecalledtheJudenrat.Therewasa levyor the equivalent of a tithing; everyonewas supposed to pay a tax andcontributemoneyorgoodsforthecommunity.Inturn,thecommunitysupportedtheyeshivabecause itwasbelieved that thereligious teachingswerecentral toJewish life.Thisbeliefwasbasedon traditionandaprinciple from theTorah:“When I do the holywork of study, you have to supportme.” Someonewhodidn’thavemoneybroughtcropsorothermerchandise,butallwereobligatedtogive something.Before thewar inPoland, therewere big differences betweentherichandthepoor,evenamongtheJews.Itwaslikethatuntilthetimeoftheghettosandtheconcentrationcamps.Thecommunitywassupposedtohelpitspoor,butIdon’t thinkitreallydid.

You had to go and ask for help and say that you were hungry. Despite ourpoverty,my father neverwanted to ask.He felt itwaswrong, shameful even,andhewouldhaveratherdiedthanaskforhelp.Ifwewerepoor,PapabelievedthatHaShemwanted it thiswayand thatwehadnoplace tocomplain.That’swhat he toldme, “HaShemdoesn’twant you to be full – hewants you to behungry. It teaches you a lesson.” I suppose it did prepareme forwhatwas tocome.InMlawa,mostoftheJewishpeoplewerereligious,andmanywereHassidic.

There was one large synagogue built of stone that stood prominently on

SynagogueStreet.Itwasveryimpressive,withlargecolumnsandhighwoodendoors, walls painted red and blue, and colorful stained-glass windows. Iremember feeling inaweof thisbeautiful spiritualplaceas I entered thegreathall and looked down the corridor leading to the bimah (platform where theTorahisread).Asyeshivastudents,weweretakenthereonspecialoccasions.Therewere alsomany smallHassidic houses of prayer called shtibel. These

werevery small synagogues,usually justone roomwherepeoplecouldgatherandsaytheirmorningprayerstogether.Ofcourse,youhadtohaveat least tenpeople for aminyan (religious quorum) to be able to pray together each day.Therewasashtibelineachneighborhood,sowehadonecloseby,andIwouldwalktherewithmyfather.Most of the Jews lived in the same area, and the Jewish places were

concentratedinthebackalleysborderingthemarket.AsJews,welivedacertainway,andthosecustomsdidn’tchangeforalongtime.Forexample,evenifyouweren’treligious,youatekosher.Itwaswhatwelikedandwhatweknew.TheHassidicJewsalwaysstoodoutandstoodapart.Inadditiontoourstrong

traditions, we looked so different with the payos and the beards and thedistinctive dress. My father had payos, but not all my brothers – just me.Becausewewere such a poor family,we didn’t have long black coats or thetypicalclothesyouwouldimagineaHassidicJewwouldwear.AfterIbecamearabbi,Ididhaveabighat(shtreimel),butIonlyworethatonShabbos.Butofcourse, I alwayskeptmyhead covered, and Iwore thedaily tallis, the tsitsis.Lateron,after thewarstarted, ifwehadkept thosevisible identifiersofbeingJews,itwaslikebeingmarkedfordeath.WeknewthatJudaismwouldtellustosaveour lives,andwedidwhatweneeded to inorder tobe lessofa target. Iremember the sad and fretful daywhenwe cut off ourpayos.My father tookthemandkissedthem.Hewasold-fashionedandtraditional,butheknewitwasamitzvahtodoanythingthatcouldhelpsaveourlives.InMlawa therewas littlemixing between the Jews and theChristians – our

liveswereseparate,andwelearnedsuchdifferentthingsabouttheworld.ButIhadafriend,aMr.Wudkiewitz,whowasfromSzrensk,thesamevillageasmygrandparents. He was a Christian, but we became friends, and he ended upsavingmylife.Wudkiewitzwas a verywealthy businessman.He had a big sausage factory

andownedthousandsofcattle.Heownedalotofproperty–probablyhalf thetown–andhadhundredsofworkers livingonhis land.Healsoownedahugemarketwherehisgood-looking,heavysetwifewouldsitinthekioskandcollect

themoney.Theylivedinahousethatwaslikeapalace,withgolddoorhandles.Theirsonmarriedabaroness,sotheywerelikeroyalty.Wudkiewitzwasaveryimportantmanandwell-respectedinourcity.Iwasluckytogetajobworkingforhim.Ideliveredsausagesforhisfactory,

andIkeptgoodtrackofeverything.HesawwhatagoodjobIwasdoing,andbecause Iwas so honest and trustworthy, I became his favorite. Sowe had along-standingfriendship,anditwasquiteaspecialrelationship.Heusedtocallmeoverandsay,“Come,talktome.”Weusedtodiscusseverything;itwasliketwo senatorsgetting together todiscusspolitics andwhatwasgoingon in theworld.Iwasakid,butItalkedtohimlikeanoldman,anoldsoul.He’stheonewho started calling me Hochem, because he saw how smart I was and heenjoyedanintelligentconversation.IcalledhimPanyaWudkiewitzbecauseitwasawaytoshowrespect.Itwas

unusualforhimtobefriendme,butIwaslikealittlepet;IwashisfavoriteJew.He knewmy parents and he liked them. It didn’tmatter to him thatwewereJewish—he liked the Rameks. But my father was not really a friend of his,becausehewasaveryreligiousmanandwouldnotshakehandswithaGentile.My father was happy thatWudkiewitz likedme; he knew that the friendshipcouldbenefitme.Wudkiewitzwaslikeasecondfathertome,andhelookedoutforme. If Ihad toldhim that someone threatenedmeormy family,hewouldhavestartedarevolution,andhewouldhavedonewhateverhecouldtoprotectme.Most of thePolish peoplewereCatholic.The relationship between the Jews

andtheCatholicPoleswasalwaysstrained.ForaslongasIcanremembertherewasnotrust.Isawalotofanti-Semitism,anditbecameworseovertime.WhenIwitnessed cruelty against Jews, I felt I had to do something, so I became afighter.Irememberthefights.Theboyscouldsayderogatorythings,andaslongas they didn’t touchme, I let it go. They knew Iwas strong andwould fightback,andtheywereafraidofme,sotheywouldn’tgoone-on-one.Theywouldonlybe aggressive if therewere threeor fourboys together.Then theywouldattack.Theycamewithknives and razors.One timeaguycameatmewith asmallaxe.Icouldhavesoeasilybeen“choppedmeat.”Itwasadangeroustimetobeateenageboyinourtown,andyouhadtobetough.My fatherwasafraid forme.Hewarnedme, “Oneday they’llkill you.”He

was right. I didn’t fight with a knife or any weapon, just with my hands. Isucceededindefendingmyself,butIcould’vebeendeadsomanytimes.I justcouldn’tstandtohavethosekidstauntingme,orworse,tauntingsomeonewho

lookedlikemyfatherorgrandfather.Ipleadedwithmyfather,“Tata,whatcanIdo?Ican’tstandtoseetheharm

anddisrespect.Ishouldstaystill?Ican’tdothat;Idon’twanttolivelikethat.”IfeltIhadtobestrongandhadtofightback.Beforethewar,Ialreadysawbeforemyeyeshowanti-Semitismpervadedour

lives. I remember howmany timeswe got beaten up on the soccer field.Mysoccer teamwasMaccabi—wewere all Jewish boys—and we played againstnon-Jews.Whenwewon theydidn’t like it, so theywouldyellslursatusandbeat us up. We became accustomed to it. It was a matter of survival. AsShakespeare said, “Tobeornot tobe...”We learned to livewith the constanttension.Anyminuteyoucould take awrong step andbehurt orkilled.Therewasalwaysgreatuncertaintyaboutwhatthenextdaywouldbring,whatmighthappen, and thedangers that awaited. If someone attackedyou, therewerenopolice, andeven if therehadbeen, theywouldn’thavecome.Andhowwouldyoucall forhelp?By telephone?Wedidn’thaveany,so itwasnotmuchofachoice.Ihadtoputupmyfistsandfight.Iwasatall,strongteenager,andIlearnedtousemypower,butsometimesthat

gotmeintrouble.Oneday,whenIwasaroundfourteenyearsold,Isawsomeboys, young thugs, harassing and beating up an old Jew. He was an elderlyJewishmanwhowaswalking down the street; he was someone I recognizedfrommy father’s synagogue.When I saw that, I couldn’t stand by and let ithappen.Howcanyouignoresuchathing?So this one boy, I beat him up real good. I punched him and knocked him

down.Hewashurtandbleeding.Sowhatdidhedo?Heranhometohisfather,furioustobebeatenbyaJew.Thenextdaytheboy’sfather,enragedaboutwhathappened tohis son, came tomyhouse andwanted tokill all ofus.Hecamewithabigbutcherknife.Hesaidtomyfather,“Youwanttofightme?”That’showpeoplesettledthingsat that time.Myfatherwouldn’tfight—hewasnotafighter.Isteppedinandstartedtalking.Iwasalwaysagoodtalker.Icalmedtheman

downandsaid,“Wait,letmeexplainwhathappened.”Andthatman,heactuallystoppedandlistenedtome.“Idon’tknowifyoursontoldyouthetruthornot,buthestartedit.Yoursonwasbeatingupanelderlyman.Ihavenothingagainstyourson,butoutofrespectforourelders,Ihadtostopwhatwasgoingon.”Thefatherlistenedandsawreasoninmyeyes,andhisattitudechangedright

away. I managed to convince them without a fight. He changed his wholeopinionandevenstartedtoyellathisson.Itended,afteralotofdiscussion,with

themanandtheboywalkingawayfromourhouse.Wecouldhearhimscoldinghisson,“Don’tyoueverdothatagain!”That experience gaveme newperspective.My father didn’t do anything; he

stoodthereanddidn’tknowwhattodo.Maybethat’swhyhewantedmetobearabbi.HeknewIcouldhandleit.Ididn’tbelievethatwewerereallyindangerbecauseofthatman.Iwasn’tscared,becauseIbelievedthatifHaShemwantedme to be killed, it would have happened already. I felt that HaShem wouldprotectme.So if Iwas fightingand felt I hadpower, itwasbecauseHaShemgavemethepowerandshowedmewhattodo.

ChapterSixTerrorandEscape

It was a Friday, the day the war started – September 1, 1939. The Germansmarched in at 4 o’clock in the morning.We were very close to the Germanborder,sotheywereimmediatelyinourtown.At8o’clock, theywerealreadygoingaroundandknockingonthedoorsofJews.Therehadbeentalkaboutwarcoming,butwedidn’trealize(andIdon’tthinkthePolesrealized)theenormityof it. They didn’t see what was happening under their noses. The Poles hadhorses,andtheGermanscamewithtanks.ThereweremanyresidentsofMlawawhowereofGermandescent,andthey

immediatelybecamepartof theNazipartywith their“HeilHitler!”saluteandall. The Germans defined people in terms of their ethnicity and not theircitizenship,andPolishcitizensofGermandescentwerecalled“Volksdeutsche.”Theywere given special privileges and in turn helped in theNaziwar effort.There had always beenmany Germans living in our town, so it was like theGermansandtheNaziregimewerealreadyinplace.Itallhappenedsofast.TheGermansmadeproclamationsannouncingnewregulations.Weweretold

that Jews could not own valuables, that we were not allowed to walk on thesidewalks. Itwas clear that theGerman soldiers, and even theHitler youth orrandomthugs,werenotaccountableforanythingtheydidtoaJew.AsoldierdidnothavetoreportkillingaJew.IftheJewwalkedonthesidewalkandnotinthestreetlikehewassupposedto,thesoldiercouldshoothim.Justlikethat.Thingschangedlikenightanddayimmediatelywiththebeginningofthewar.

I was in the street with two other boys, friends who played with me on theJewishsoccerteam.That’showwewouldmeeteachother,inthestreet,wherewedecidedwhenwewouldplay soccerandwhowouldplaywhatposition. Itwasaprimitivelife,butthat’showwesocialized.Itwastheonlywaywehadtocommunicate.Wewouldmeetinthemiddleofthemarket,standinginthestreetwithoutevenabenchtositdownon.Soonthatfirstfatefuldayofthewar,IwastalkingwithmyfriendsandIsaw

thesetwoolderguyscomingtowardus.TheywereofGermandescent,andtheywerealreadyNazis.Theyworearmbandswithswastikas,and I think theyhadtheuniformof theHitleryouth.Theystartedto tauntme,andI lookedat theirfacesandrealizedIknewthem–wehadplayedsocceragainstthemacoupleofweeksago.TheseGermanboysrememberedmefromthesoccermatch.Iwasagoodgoalkeeper,andtheyhadahardtimegettingpastmeinthegame.Sotheywantedtogetbackatme.Nowtheyfeltimportant,andtheywantedtoshowoff.They thought theywere smart, and they felt powerful because before Iwouldhave fought back, but now they had Hitler behind them and they could dowhatevertheywanted.They started to roughme up, and then they grabbedme and tookme away.

Theysaid,“We’ll throwyouinwiththerats!”Theythrewmeintoabasementundera largebuilding. Itwasadisgustingplace–darkwithnowindows, ratsandmiceandwhoknowswhatelse…Theywerefamiliarwiththisbuilding,andthey knew that there were rats in the basement. Even though people livedupstairs, it was an abandoned, filthy place. They put me in there, locked thedoor, and leftme. Iwas trapped.Therewasnohandle from the insideandnowaytogetout.Iwasfrightenedandsickened.Theyleftmethereallaloneinthepitchdark,and rightaway the ratsstartedcoming tomyfeet– itwasahorridfeeling.Theseboyshadbroughtsomebreakfast for therats,and thatbreakfastwasme!Theythoughttheywouldkillme,thatnoonewouldknowwhereIwasandnoonewouldfindmethere.Ithoughtthatitwasmyend.Ihadnowayoutandnowaytogethelp.Howcouldmyfamilyfindme?ButthetwoboysfrommysoccerteamthatIhadbeenstandingwithhadrun

andhidden,andtheywatchedwheretheGermanboyshadtakenme.Theysawwhathappenedandwantedtohelp.Theydidn’tknowhowtheycouldgetmeoutthemselves,buttheyknewthatIhadanimportantfriend,andtheyhadtheideatogotoWudkiewitz.Theyknewhelikedmeandwouldhelp.Sotheyrantohimandtoldhimwhathadhappened.Hewassleepingatthetime,buthepulledonhispantsandranbarefootrightawayintothestreettocometogetme.Hewasabigmanandwasable tobreakdownthedoorandgetmeout. Iwassohappyandrelievedtoseehim.Ikeptsaying,“ThankGod,ThankGod.”If my friends hadn’t gone to Wudkiewitz and if he hadn’t rescued me, I

wouldn’t be here today.He tookme out of there and he tookme back to hishome, tohispalace. I stayed there for threedaysand threenights. Ihadneverbeeninsidehishousebeforeandhadcertainlynotseenanythinglikeit.Itwasamassivebuildingwithmanyhugerooms,lavishwallhangingsandmirrors,anda

magnificentspiralstaircasegoinguptothesecondfloor.Istayedinaroomnexttothediningroomandsleptinabedwithluxuriousfeatherdowncoversandsilksheets.OnmyfirstnightthereIcouldn’tevenfindthebathroom.TheWudkiewitzfamilylivedlikeroyalty.Comingfrommybackground,Iwas

inshockattherichnessandtheluxury.Itwasjustafewminutesawayfrommyhome,but itwasaworldapart.Theyhaddozensofmaidsandcooks to servethem, and they enjoyed lavish meals. I was told I could eat anything in thehouse,but I didnot join the family formealsbecause itwasnotkosher. I atesimplefoodlikebreadandcheese,andeventhatwasbetterthanwhatIwasusedto.During the timeI lived there,Mr.Wudkiewitzwouldcomeand talk tome,patmyarm,andtellmenottoworry.He riskedhis life forme. If theGermanshad caughthimwhen Iwas at his

house, theywouldhavekilledhim. Itwasalreadymadeclear tous that ifanyChristians helped a Jew, they could be shot on the spot. Probably the wholefamilywouldhavebeenharmed,notjusthim.Idon’tthinkherealizedwhathewasdoingandwhatdangerhewasin,buthelikedmeandwouldhavegivenhislife forme.He could have changed hismind during those few dayswhen herealizedthesituation,buthedidnot.Mr.Wudkiewitznevertoldmetoleave.Idon’tknowwhathisintentionwas–

maybe tohideme for thewholewar–but Iwanted to seemyparentsand letthemknow that Iwasokay, so Iwent home.When I camehome,myparentswerepaleandscared.Somanythingswerealreadychanging.Theysaid,“Whathappened toyou?”Theywereveryworried formeandafraid formy life.Werealizeditwasdangerousforme,becausethoseGermanboyswhothrewmeinthat basement probably realized that I had gotten away, and they could comeaftermeatanytime.Besidesthat,thingswerealreadygettingbadfortheJews,and thereweremoreandmore restrictionsonour lives.So Ionlystayed forashorttime.WedecideditwasbestformetorunawaytomybrotherYaakovinPlonsk.As

soonasIcouldgetalittlebitofmoney,afewzlotys,IrentedanoldbikesoIcouldescape thedangers inMlawa. Iknew Iwouldprobablyneverbring thatbikeback,butIdidnotknowwhattoexpectorwhatawaitedme.Itwasadarkandupsettingtime,buthowcouldwehaveforeseenwhatwasgoingtohappen?Tragically,Ineversawmyparentsagain.ItwasaboutsixtykilometersfromMlawatoPlonsk,andItriedtokeeponthe

sideroadsandkeepoutofsight.ButIgotlostandIendeduponthemainroad.Normallyyouwouldnotseeabicycleonthemainroad,soIwasexposedand

vulnerable. A truck started following me and I became worried, but I hadnowhereelsetogo.ThoseyoungguysrealizedImustbeaJewontherun,andtheypulledupandstoppedme.TheyturnedouttobetwobigGermanguys,twobigbeasts;Gestapo,Ithink.Sotheystoppedme,andthefirstthingtheydidwasmakemetakeoffmyshoessoIcouldn’trunaway.Thentheystartedknockingmearound,slappingmerightandleft.MynosewasbleedingandIwasbloody;mybikewasbloody.Theyknockedmedown,kickedme,andbeatmeuprealgood. Then they threwme in their truck. Like a lion finds amealwhen it ishungry,theyfoundaJew.TheseGermanscouldn’tbe sure Iwas Jewish. Iwas fair, light-haired, and I

didn’treally“lookJewish.”TheyaskedmeifIwasJewishandIdidn’trespondrightaway,butIcouldn’tlie.Plus,Iknewtheywerelookingtocatchmeinalie.AsIstoodtherepowerless,Icouldjustfeelthemgloating,liketherewasnothingintheworldmorepowerfulthantheywere.Andthiswasjustthebeginningofhowtheywoulddemonstratewhatkindofpeopletheywere.NothingcompareswiththecrueltyoftheNazis.Theythrewmeintheirtruck,andthenIsawthattherewereafewotherPolish

kids aroundmy age in there already.The back of the truckwas like a trailer,darkanddirtyandwithoutwindows.Therewerenobenchesoranything,sowejustsatthereonthefloor.Itriedtotalktotheotherboystofindouthowlongtheyhadbeenthereandwhatwouldhappentous.Butnobodyknew,andwejustdroveonforhours.Allofasuddenwestopped,andtheyopenedupthebackofthevehicle.Itwaslateintheafternoon,andIhadnoideawherewewere.PeoplearoundmesaiditwasTreblinka.Theykickedusoutofthetruck,andtherewasanSSsoldierwaitingforus.He

wasatallguy,veryimposing,andrightawayheshoutedatme,“Youdighere!”andhandedmeashovel.Istarteddigging,andinnotimeIhaddugadeepditch.Iwasactuallysurprisedbyhowsoft thegroundwas.TheSSmanwhoputmetheretauntedme.Referringto theditch,hesaid,“Thiswillbeyourpermanenthome.Youwillnevercomeoutfromhere.”Itwasmeanttobemygrave.Ibecameawareofmysurroundings,thoughIcouldn’tseemuch.Therewasa

vast open fieldwith trenches, and therewere other prisonerswho had arrivedbefore us andwere digging ditches.Therewere guards all around armedwithmachineguns.AllofasuddenIheardshooting.Theguardsinhighguardtowerswereshootingdownatpeopleintheditchestheyhaddug.Thetrenchesbecamemass graves,with people falling on top of one another and some trapped andburied alive. I realized that they were having us all dig ditches for our own

graves and not for any other reason. I later heard that they must have killed10,000peopleadayinthatway.ThatfatefuldayIheardawhistleandthecommandantshout,“Stop!Quitfor

today.”Therewereonlyabouttenofusleftwhohadn’tbeenshot.Butitwastheendoftheday,about5p.m.,andtimetostop.Germandiscipline.TheGermanswereveryorganizedandhadtheirschedulestokeep.Theyworkedfromsunuptosundown.Whenitstartedtogetdark,theycouldn’tseewellenoughtoshoot,sotheydecidedtheyhadkilledenoughandstoppedfor theday.Theyhadmettheirquota.ItriedtogetoutoftheditchthatIhadbeendigging,butitwassodeepandthe

groundwassosoftthattherewasn’tanythingtograbonto,andIcouldn’tclimboutonmyown.ThatSSsoldierhadtocomeoverandhelpmegetout.Atleastforthemomenthehadbeenwrongaboutmeneverleavingthathole.SomehowIwas spared – I thinkHaShem sent the angels, Gabriel andMichael, towatchoverme.Nobulletscameforme,onlyawhistle.HowelseamI still alive? Itwasamiraclemeanttobe.Acrossthewaytherewasadilapidatedshackthathadprobablybeenusedasa

barnforcowsandpigs.Itwasanoldbuilding–maybeahundredyearsold.OneoftheGermansoldierstookthefewofuswhowereleftandlockedusinthere.Hetoldusthathewouldreturnthenextmorningat4a.m.sothatwecouldstartdiggingagain.Weallknewthathemeant theywouldstart shootingagainandthatwewouldallbekilled.Wewerelockedinsidewithnothing:nohandleonthedoorandnowaytogetout.Wewereinthemiddleofnowhere–justopenfields andmass graves. Theywere so sure thatwewere not smart enough tofigureoutawaytoescapethattheydidn’tevenbotherleavingguardstherewithus.But theywerewrongandIwasdetermined,andwemanagedtodigourway

out.Theotherswanted to followme, but I said, “No,wemust scatter,” and Iwentalone.IhadlearnedfromtheBible,fromtheexampleofKingDavid,thatwhentheyconductedwarsandwantedtoinfiltratetheenemy,theyneverwentinagroup.Ifyougo inagroup,youaremuchmoreeasilyspotted, thedogscanfind you, and echoes are heard… So we split up, and I think that gave us achancetosucceed.Fewifanyhadescapedbeforeus.Iranandran.Ihadnoshoes,andIranthroughacornfieldthathadjustbeen

plowed.Thechoppedstalkswereverysharpandcutmyfeetsobadly thatmyfeetbecamebloody.IlostalotofbloodthatnightandmighthavediedfromthebloodlossifIhadn’tgottensomehelp.IranuntilIspottedlightonawagon.I

sawamanwho lookedwornby thesun,wearinganold raggedycoatandcapwithbigrubberboots.Icametothefarmerandbeggedhimtohelpme.Hewasfrightenedofmeat

first–Iwasbarefootandfullofbloodandsodesperate.Hedidn’twanttohelp,butIappealedtohim,kissedhishand,anddidwhateverIcoulduntilfinallyheagreed. The farmer showedme kindness and putmud onmy feet to stop thebleeding;thepainwasexcruciating,butitworked.Youdowhatyouhavetodo.Therewerenoantibiotics,andIcouldhaveeasilydiedfromthat,butsomehowIwantedtoliveandIsurvived.Ionlystayedwiththefarmerforafewhours.Heputme in his wagon and coveredmewith hay. He agreed to takeme to theoutskirtsofPlonsk.Assoonaswewereonourway,coveredbyhayintheox-drawncart,Ifellasleeplikearock.

ChapterSevenThePlonskGhettoIfinallyarrivedatthePlonskghetto,andwhenIgotthere,thepolicelookedatme;sawhowI

looked,stillbarefootandbloodyandinterribleshape;andtheydidn’twanttoletmein.Theydidn’tknowwhereI

camefrom,andtheythoughtImightbeaspy.Afterall,whywouldIwanttocomeinthere?IshowedthemthesameidentificationthattheGermanshadusedagainstmany–IdroppedmypantstoshowthemthatIwascircumcised.AndthenIspokeinHebrew,andfinallythey

letmein.

Thisexperiencehadalreadytaughtmesomethingimportantabouttheghetto.TheJewishpolicemengavemeahardtimebecausetheywereafraidthatifthey

violatedsome rule, theywouldbepunished.So they reallywerenosafer thananyoneelse.Theywereafraidfortheirownlivesanddidwhatevertheyneededtoprotect themselves. Ibegantoseeandunderstandhowthingsworkedin theghetto.Ifoundmybrotherandhiswifeandtheirtwosmallchildren.Weweregladto

be reunited, but it was a bittersweet reunion.We loved each other and werehappytoseeeachother,butthecircumstancesweredistressing.Iwenttheretobewithfamilyandhopedtofindsomesafetyandcomfort,butIfoundterrible,barelylivableconditions.Likeinmostghettos,thePlonskghettowascreatedintheworstareaofthecity.Thestreetsweredamagedandthehousingwasawful.Regardless,IgotinandIhadwhatIwanted:tobewithmybrother.WherecouldIgoatthatpoint?ItwastheonlyplaceIknewtogo.Ihadtomakethebestofit.Ispentmorethanayearandahalfinthatdismalplace.IthelpedmethatmybrotherYaakovwasanimportantpersonintheghetto.He

was a tall, good-looking man and an impressive person. I say this not onlybecausehewasmybrother,butalsobecausepeoplereallylookedathimlikehewasastar,likeFrankSinatra.Hewassuchahandsomeman,andhewalkedtalllikeasoldier.WhoevertalkedtohimhadthefeelingthatifhesurvivedhewouldbethepresidentofIsrael.Whenhetalkedtoyou,heovertookyouwithhislooksand his charm. He was knowledgeable about politics and about bicycles. Heimpressed even the Germans, especially because he spoke perfect German.Therewasa lotofGermanspoken inourarea,andhehadoccasion tousehisGerman, because he had belonged to a club that had a twin city inGermany.YaakovhadacircleoffriendsinPlonskwholookeduptohim,andhewasverypopularandadmired.He tried tohelppeople in theghetto,and in turnhewaswell-liked.There were about 8,000 people crowded into the ghetto, with three or four

families crammed into every room. Some of the buildings were dilapidatedwarehousesandstables.Yaakovandhisfamilylivedinthesameapartmentwithhisbrother-in-lawandhiswife,andalsohiswife’smother,whowasawidow.Atleasthehadtheprivilegeoflivingwithfamily.Manyofthepeoplelivinginthe ghettowere put into a small apartmentwith people they didn’t know.Wewereawholebunchofpeopleanditwascrowded,buttheygavemeaplacetosleep thereaswell. I slepton the floor,nothingmore.But Iwasused to theseconditions–itdidn’tbotherme,becauseIhaddonethesameattheyeshiva.Yousee,thepeoplewhowerenotusedtoluxury,theysurvived.Akidlikeme,

ifIhadbeenfromarichfamily,usedtothemomcominginandsaying,“What

doyouwant foryourbreakfast,youwant thisoryouwant that?” Iwouldnothavesurvived.IwastoughandIwasusedtobeinghungry.Therewasn’tadayinmylifewhenIwasn’thungry;itwasanormalstateofbeing.Ithoughtitwaspart of life, part of being a good Jew to have the belly half-empty.But Iwaswrongaboutthat...We had strict rationing in the ghetto. Itwas so little you couldn’t live from

rationsalone.IthelpedthatIwasyoungandstrong,butolderpeopleweredyingevery day from starvation. It was dreadful and depressing. Every day peoplewere dying in the hundreds—not just in the tens, but in the hundreds. TheGermansbroughtinfood,andtheJudenratwasinchargeofdistributingit.Mybrother was the one to take care of the rations. He would bargain with theGermans to try to get asmuch food and supplies as possible.He foughtwiththemtogetwhatthepeopleneeded.Buthewasinanimpossiblesituation.TheGerman tactic was to turn Jew against Jew. To make us make the difficultdecisionsandhavethepeoplegetangrywithus.Theydistributedtherationticketsinanoffice,partoftheadministrationofthe

ghetto. Families would receive tickets for a pound of flour or a pound ofpotatoes, food and things thatwere available.They arranged it smartly– eachstreetwas assigned a day that theywould come.Thatway itwouldn’t be toocrowded,soifyoulivedonthisstreet,youcameonMondayandsoforth.Youhad to give your name and your address and had to be registered in order toreceiveanyfood.Wehadtocookitathome,butwehadnothingtocookiton,sowehad tomake a little fire. If the families got along, theywould combinetheirrationsandcooktogetherandeattogether.Wehadcoalsforcooking,butthosewasalsorationed;everythingwas.Ourliveswereveryrestricted.Wehadstrictcurfews.Weweren’tallowedto

walkonthesidewalk(iftherewasone),andwerantheriskofbeingpunishedatall times.We couldn’t have anything valuable, not a silver ring, candlestick,radio,oranythinglikethat.Butwetriedtocarryonasbestwecould.Sometimeswewereabletoplaysoccer.That’showImetmygirlfriend,Anna.Shewouldcomeandwatchmeplay,andthenwewouldgowalkingtogether.Iwasagood-lookingyoungman,andshewasabeautifulgirl.Theworldwasn’tsodifferentas far as that goes. Despite everything going on around us, we were youngpeoplewiththesamedreamsandthesamebloodflowingthroughourveins.They didn’t allow school in the ghetto either. There was nothing for the

children to do. We had nothing, not even paper and pencil. But sometimespeoplewere able to smuggle a little something into theghetto, like a scrapof

paper.Wetriedtomakethemostofwhateverwecouldget.Iftherewasabitofcoalleftfromafire,theendcouldbeusedtowrite.Iremembertakingasmallpieceofwoodtoserveasacandle.Theonethingwecouldalwaysdowastosayablessing,abrucha,forwhateverwedidhave.In the ghettowewere not officially allowed to observe our religion, butwe

did.Wedidwhatwecould.WeJewshaveawayofdoingwhatweneedtodoand doingwhatwe believe in. Sowe found away to pray everymorning, todavensecretlyeachday.Wehadtobetenpeopleforaminyan,andwewouldusuallymeetinthesameplace.Wedidn’thavecalendars,soitwasachallengetokeeptrackofthedaysandtheholidays.Butwefiguredoutwhentheholidayswere becausewe had intelligent people likemewhowould keep track of thedays and the phases of the moon. If we missed the exact date, it wasn’timportant.Whatwasimportantwastheintent(thekavanah).Some days I was sent out to work.We waited by the gate and were taken

outsidetheghettotodifferentjobs.IftheGermansneededfiftypeopletoworkto clear the snow, theywould come to the Judenrat and tell them. TheworkofficeoftheJudenratwouldarrangeforpeopletogotowork.Thepolicewouldhelptogatherpeople,andtheywouldmarchthemouttowherevertheworkwas.Wewere constantly guarded, and at the end of the daywe came back to theghetto.Ifsomeonewascaughttryingtosneaksomethinglikeafewpotatoesinhispockets,hewouldbeshotonthespot.Oldpeopleweren’tsentouttowork,onlytheyoungpeople.Therewasalittle

bitofcontroloverthat,becausetheJewishorganizationhelpedtoorganize.Ofcourse,somepeoplecomplained,“Youtookmysontoworkyesterdayandnowyoutakehimagain.It’sunfair.”TheguyinchargewasamannamedFuks,andhewouldsay,“Imustsendtheyoungonesbecausetheyhavestrongshouldersandcandomore.”Hewasagoodman,areligiousman,andhetriedtodotheright thing. Sometimes he came and talked to my brother and me about hispredicament.HeandYaakovwereveryfairandfollowedtherules,eventhoughIheardaboutotherghettos likeMlawawhere thatwasnot thecase. Icouldn’tunderstand – what Jew wouldn’t help their sisters and brothers, these poorinnocentpeople?People tried tohelpeachother,butsometimes theconditionsdidn’tallowit.Whenthereweresomanyfamiliescrowdedintoonehouseandallneededtousethesamefacilities,orwhensomepeoplehadtoworkmorethanothers, fightswouldbreakout.Peoplewouldlookoutfor themselvesandtheirfamilies.Thecircumstancessometimesbroughtouttheworstinpeople,butalsosometimesthebest.

Forexample, therewerepeoplewhotriedtogivemedicalcareevenwiththeoverwhelmingsicknessandlackofmedication.Manymanypeopleweredyingof typhus.Yaakovwas able to bring in a doctor,Dr. Ber fromWarsaw,whobroughtmedicineandequipment.Thiswasagreataccomplishmentandhelptothecommunity.IwasluckybecauseIwasabletostayhealthywhileIwasintheghetto.ButallaroundmeIwasremindedofhowlittlelifewasworthasIsawand smelled the bodies piling up in the streets. If someone died, othersmightevensayablessingthattheydidn’thavetosufferanymore.Itwasveryhardforme,asarabbi,notonlytoseethepeoplewasteawayanddie,butalsotoknowtheyhadtogowithoutaproperburial.Theycouldn’tbelaidtorestintheJewishtradition. I couldn’t do anything, and no one could really change the overallsituation.As a rabbi, I was supposed to have confidence in God and believe that he

wouldn’tgiveuponus,butIbegantodoubtandlosefaith.Ididn’ttellanyoneIwasa rabbi,as Ididn’thave theexplanations I thought IneededforwhatwashappeningtousasJews.Ipracticallygaveup.Iknewthesituationwasdreadful,butIalsoknewthattheJewshadmetterribleobstaclesinthepastandthatwehadovercomethem.IrememberedBiblestoriesliketheexodusfromEgypt,andIthoughtthatintheendtheJewishpeoplewouldprevail.Weareatoughnation;wedon’tgiveup.But things only gotworse. The brutality assaulted us in every aspect of our

lives.TheGestapoofficerinchargeoftheghettowasacruelmannamedVogt.He came into the ghetto everymorning at 8 o’clock on the dot. Each day hewouldkillfouryoungpeople.Hewouldpointandcallout,“You,you,you,andyou!”andthenhewouldjustshootthemdown.Hewouldkillthemincoldbloodonthestreetforeveryonetoseeandthenjustwalkaway.Isawitwithmyowneyes.Hewoulddothiseveryday,andIhadtowitnessit.Isaidtomyselfthen,“IfIlive,Iwanttoseethismanpunished.Hemustseehisend.IfIcouldhavethatsatisfaction,Idon’tcareifIdieafter.”ImyselfwasalmostkilledbyVogt toward theendofmytimein theghetto.

Theywerecrackingdownonusandmakingsurewehadkeptnovaluables,butIhadmanagedtokeepmywatchhidden.ItwasthewatchIhadreceivedonmyBarMitzvah,whichwassodeartome.Whentheystartedthedeportations,Iwashelpingpeople toboard the trainand I raisedmyarmandexposedmywatch.Vogtsawitandstartedtoscreamatme,shouting,“Youhavedisobeyedorders–givemethatwatch!I’mgoingtoshootyou.”Hetookoutoneofhisgunsandputittomyhead,rightatmytemple.Bysomemiracle,hewasdistractedatthe

lastminute,slappedmeveryhard,tookthewatch,andwalkedaway.

ChapterEightDeportation

Thedeportationsstartedin1942.Eachtime,theytoldusthattheyweresendingpeopletowork,butwestartedhearingrumorsaboutAuschwitz.InDecemberatHanukkahtime,theghettowasfinallybeingliquidated,andIwastobepartofthelasttransport.Iwasgoingtotrytoescapewiththreefriends:Gabus,Juljek,andLeved.TheyweregoodpeopleIhadmetintheghetto.WewereallgoingtopretendtobeChristianandgointohidingorjointhepartisans.Whenweheardthattheghettowasgoingtobeliquidated,weplannedtorunawayinthechaosofboardingthetrains,andweweregoingtomeetinthemarket.Theyescapedandwaited formeoutside theghetto for threehours.Bulletswere flyingovertheirheads,but theywaitedforme.ButultimatelyatdeportationIcouldn’tgowiththem.Ijustcouldn’tdoit.Why?Iheardthatmyparentsandtherestofmyfamilywerebeingdeportedaround

the same time from theMlawa ghetto. I thought maybe I could help them. Iheard thevoice insidemesay,“Honoryour fatherandmother.Don’tabandonthemwhentheyareold.”Kabedetavichavimcha.Altskachubzichnatenu.IfeltthatitwasmyobligationtodowhateverIcouldtohelpthem,evenifthatmeantgoingtoAuschwitzandnotescaping.Ithoughtitwastherightthingtodo.LittledidIknowthatIwouldbesohelplessandthattherewasnothingIcoulddotosavethem.SoIwentwiththeothersfromPlonsk,hopingtomeetmyfamilyinAuschwitz.My friends succeeded in escaping and survived. I eventually sawthemagainafterthewar.I was among the last people from the ghetto to be marched to the Plonsk

railway station in the bitter cold. I had very few things with me, and just asweatertokeepmewarm.Amidthechaositwashardtostaytogether,butIwasin the same train with my brother and his family. The Gestapo asked himquestions.Theywantedhimtobeincharge,butherefused.Hehadheardaboutpeopleturningoneachother,andhehadmanagedtoalwayshelppeopleintheghettoandneverturnanyonein.Hewasn’tgoingtohelptheGestaponow.

We were hurriedly loaded onto cattle cars—the horrible ones you’ve heardabout.Theopeningofthecarwassohigh,evenatallguylikemecouldbarelystep in. The older folks couldn’tmake it at all, andwe needed to help them.Therewerenowindows,anditwasdarkanddirty.Theycrammedusinsothatyoucouldn’tbendandyoucouldn’tmove,pressedupagainsteachother,aleghereandshoulderthere.Uncomfortabledoesn’tevenbegintodescribeit.Ifyouhadtogoandrelieveyourself, therewasabarrel in themiddlefornecessities.Justimaginethestench.Besidesthat,therewasnothingbutbarewoodandafewstrapstoholdonto.IttookthreelongdaysandnightstogettoAuschwitz.Wethoughtthatjourneywouldneverend.AfterwardIfoundoutthattherewasawomaninourcarwhohadtogivebirth.

Apparentlyshehadthebabywhilewewereriding–howcouldInotknow?Buttheywouldnot have let her take thebabyhad it been alive in theghetto, andwhen we arrived and prepared to get off, I saw there was a baby. My skinshiveredandIaskedmyself,“Therewasababyinthere?”Thenewbornstartedcrying,andtheywouldn’t let themotherkeepit.AnSSmangrabbedthebabybythelegs,andthatbabyscreamedandwailed.TheSSofficerbrutallyswungitandhit it, and thenhekept onholding the legs as thebabydrippedblood forminutesafteritwasalreadydead.Allthewhilethesoldiersangaboutthebloodof the Jews.The vicious dogs started to bark because they smelled the blood.ThishorrifyingandrepulsivescenewasourintroductiontoAuschwitz.Many trains arrived at the same time, and they quickly emptied the cars.

“Raus!Raus!”GetOut!GetOut!theguardsshouted.Inasecondyouhadtobeoutof the train.Someof thepeople,especially theolderones,couldn’tgetontheirfeetsofast.Itwasfreezingcold–belowzero.Therewaschaosallaround:peopleshouting,dogsbarking,andwedidn’tknowwhatwasgoingtohappen.At first I couldn’t take it all in; I couldn’t comprehend what was reallyhappening.Therewassomuchgoingon,anditwassounreal…They played Mozart and Chopin and more. It was the most beautiful and

brilliantclassicalmusic,playedbymasters.Thetoneswereslowandmournful.Therewereovertwenty-fivemusiciansintheorchestra.Itwashuge.Theviolinswerelinedupononeside,andthehornsectionwasontheotherside.Therewasahugegrandpiano.Theyhadmusicstandswithpapermusicbooks.Theywereall dressed in zebra-striped prisoner clothes, just as we were later on. Theorchestrawassetupsothatasweexitedthetrains,wehadtowalkthroughtheopeningbetweentheviolinsectionandthehornsection.Themusicwasdivine,butIwasnotreallyattentivetoit.

IarrivedinAushwitzcompletelyfrozenwithfear.Ihadjustspentthreedaysandnightsinpackedconfinementwithnofoodorwater.WhenIsawthecamp,Ionly wanted to die. The chaos, the dogs, barking, the lights, the whips, thepeoplescreaming,thechildren,our12o’clockmidnightarrival,soldiersbarkingordersatthefrightenedandrun-downpeople.WasthisHell?When we first arrived at the camp, we were all questioned about our

professions.Themusicianswereassembledfrommanytransportsofpeople.Lateron,whenweweregivenourbarracksandworkassignments,wenoticed

theorchestramore.Iwastoldthat themusiciansweregivenmorefoodrationsinsteadofthestarvationfare,becausetheyneededthemtoplay.The music was played twice a day. It was played going out to work and

comingback.Noonepaidattention to thiscynicalandhatefuluseofclassicalmusicinthisultimatelybarbaricatmosphere.TherestoodtheSSCaptain,Dr.JosefMengele,althoughIdidn’tknowwhohe

was at the time.He stood there like a king, like the angel of death.WhenwearrivedatAuschwitz,ourhostwasDr.Mengele.Hewassurroundedbysixoreight bodyguards inGestapouniforms.Theywere fearsome, cold, anddid hisbiddingeffectively.Mengelewasdressedinawhitedoctor’scoat.Hehadastethoscopearoundhis

neck.Healsocarrieda shortwhipat all times.Thiswashis standardclothingthatheworearound thecamp.HeworeaGestapouniformunder thedoctor’scoat.Mengelewasaverygood-lookingman.Hewas tall,about6 ft., andvery fit

andwell-built.Hehaddarkhair.Heneversmiled.Hewasseriousinhiswork,choosingwhichpeoplewere to liveandwhichwere todie.Hisdemeanorwascold.Hewouldplacethehandleofthewhipunderthechinofthepersoninlinetobetterseetheirface,andthenflickhisindexfingerleftorright,lifeordeath.AGermansoldierwouldthengrabthepersonandthrowthepersonintothelineforthecrematoriumorthelineupforthebarracks.Dr.Mengelewaswell-knownforhissadisticpreoccupationwithtwins.When

a transport of people came in on the trains, hewould ask the children if theyweretwins,andthengivethemsomecandyandtakethemaway.Hewasknownforhissadismanddespicablemedicalexperimentsusingtwins.Mengele was feared not only by the prisoners, but by the other German

soldiersinthecamp.It was hard to believe that a man with such a fine education and medical

training could be so cold -hearted and so calculating in his evil behavior. He

nevertalkedtoanyofthepeople.Hewasinsane.Duringmytimethere,IsawMengeleonlyafewtimes.Hewasthepowerin

the camp, supervising the crematorium but also getting involved in punishingindividual prisoners. He seemed to enjoy killing people, but also enjoyedpsychological torment. He was the originator of the plan to tell the father toshoothisson,andwhenhecouldnot,hetoldthesontokillthefather,puttingapistolinhishand.Thesonkilledhisfatherandwasthenimmediatelyshot.Hewasimmaculateinhisdressuniform,withawhipinhishandlookingyouover.Thenhewouldmotionwithhishand:right,left,right,left.Wedidn’tknowwhatthat meant. But we found out. It was the difference between life and death.Mengelereallyhadmorepowerthenthecommandantofthecamp,becausehewas the onewhodecided if youwould live or die.He reallywas an angel ofdeath.ThefirstthingtheGermansdidwhenwegotoffthetrainwastoseparatethe

menfromthewomenandchildren.Thentheytriedtoseparatethechildrenfromtheirmothers,andifawomanobjected,theywereallsenttobekilled.Itturnedoutthattheyweresentdirectlytothegaschambers.Butwhocouldimagineatthat point what was actually happening?When we arrived, they immediatelytookmybrother’swifeandtwochildrenaway.Weneversawthemagain.Ourtransportwasabout2,000people.Ifoundoutlaterthat523menand247womenwere sent to thebarracks, and theotherswhoweredeportedwithmewereallgasseduponarrival.1,230peoplemurdered–justlikethat.Howcouldwehavebelievedthatweweredestinedforannihilation?Some prisoners were there helping with the arrival of the transports. These

werepeoplewhohadbeentheremaybedaysormaybeweeks.Ifyouwerethereaweek,thatwasalreadyalongtime.Bythenyouknewwhatwasgoingon,youknew what that putrid smell was. You also knew something about self-preservation. The new arrivals tried to ask questions. They would look forsomeonewhospokeYiddish.Theywouldask,“Wherearewe?What’sgoingonhere?”But theprisonersalready therewereafraidandhad tobecarefulnot tosay anything to get themselves in trouble.One of these guys, already an “oldprisoner”inhisstripedclothing,wassomeoneIknewfrommyhometown.Ihadbeenpulledover,putinaline,andtoldtowaitthere.Dr.Mengelewas

selecting those he wanted for his medical experiments. In addition to hisinfamous research on twins, he needed some strong young guys for thegruesomehumanexperimentationhewascarryingout.Iwasatall,good-lookingyoungman,and IwaschosenbyMengele.Littledid Iknowwhat thatmeant.

Luckily,Isawthatfriendwhohadbeenthereforaweek,andhetoldmetogetoutof that line immediately.That savedmy life.Therewas suchconfusionatthatpoint,Icouldquicklyslideinwithadifferentline:onetobesenttowork.TheSSmantakingawaytheotheryoungmenjustgrabbedanotherpersonwhenhesawhehadnineteeninsteadoftwenty.They tried to foolusaboutwhatawaitedusatAuschwitz.They tried to fool

theworld.Likewiththatsign“ArbeitMachtFrei”(WorkMakesYouFree)andtellingus thatwewerebeing relocated forwork.Amid the cruelty and chaos,theytriedtopretendtherewassomenormalcytothesituationbyhavingaliveorchestraplayingmusic.Someofthebestmusiciansintheworldplayedthere.Theywere prisoners from all over Europe, and playingmusic protected themfrombeingkilledrightaway.Theygotalittlebetterrationsthantherestofus,becausetheywereusefultotheNazis.Theimprisonedmusiciansplayedaswearrivedtothatawfulplace,andlaterIwouldhearthemplaywhenwemarchedtoworkinthemorningandwhenwecamebackattheendoftheday.Even though I heard that music playing, I saw through this hypocritical

receptionanddidnotthinkIwouldbegettingoutofthishorrifyingplace.Therewere somany contradictions:music amid all this violence.Therewerepeoplebeing shot for not moving fast enough, for not understanding the shoutedinstructions(theysimplydidn’tunderstandGerman).Icouldn’tadjustmybrain.Howcanyouhitaperson,killaperson,whenhehasdonenothingtoyou?Ihadnever seen or even thought about this kind of behavior, and I couldn’tunderstandhowsomeonecoulddosuchathing.Andthiswasjustthebeginning.We saw trucks coming in andgoingout, and then I saw theSSguards take

children and throw them onto the trucks. They were thrown like pieces ofgarbage.When I saw that, Iwas filledwith a sense of foreboding aboutwhatwasgoingtohappentous.Isawthesmokerisingfromthecrematoriaaroundusand smelled the stench…Ibegan to take in thehorror and the realityofwhatwashappening.Itisinhumanetoevendescribewhatwewitnessed.AsIwasoverwhelmedbywhatIsaw,heard,andsmelled,Irealizedthetruth

oftherumors,andIknewwhatbefellmyfamily.Theywereimmediatelykilled,likesomanyothers,andtherewasnothingIcoulddo.Iheardlaterfromafriendwhoworked in the crematorium that he sawmyparents being sent to the gaschambers.Heeventoldmeapainfulstoryabouthowmyfather,religiousmanthathewas,refusedtoremovehistaliskatan(religiousundergarment),andthattheSSdrove thedogsontohim,whobithimviciouslybeforehewaskilled. Ireplay that terrible scene inmymind. It causes somuch pain, but howmany

tearscanbeshed?Itbecomesunspeakable.Thatwasthetimeoftheslaughterofmyfamily.That’swhyIhavesomanyyahrzeits (memorials)at theendof theyear.Evensomeonewhowent throughAuschwitzat the same timewouldnothavethesamestory.

ChapterNineLifeinAuschwitz

Likeitornot,IhavetosaythattheGermanswereveryorganized.Theyweresomethodical–theywerefirstclassintheworldinthat.Therewasasystemforustobeprocessedafterwearrived.Soldierswerewaitingtomoveusthrough,andguards with big machine guns watched us every step of the way. They tookeverythingawayfromus.Afterwewerestrippedofourclothes,weweregivenother clothes – those striped pajamas. But no one cared if you were givensomethingthatfityou.Forexample,therewasabigpileofshoes.Theydidn’taskyoursize,andtheydidn’tknowwhattheygaveyou.Theyjusthandedyousomething–maybeyouwear a size12, and theygaveyoua size6.Weweregivenoldshoesthattheyhadconfiscatedfromotherprisoners.Somepeoplegottwoleftshoes.Someonehadthejobofputtingtogetherthepairs,andtheydidn’tcareaboutit,theyjusttookanytwoshoesandgavethemtoyou.Sometimestheprisonerscouldtradewitheachother.Wewerepushedandproddedfromoneplacetoanother.Thentheyshavedour

heads,andwelostanydignitywehadmanagedtokeepuntilthen.Wewereinadifferentworld.Youmightseesomeone,maybesomeoneyougrewupwith,andyouwouldn’trecognizehim.Peoplelookeddifferent:nohair,ill-fittingclothing,andfearontheirfaces.Itwasstrange,butifyourecognizedsomeone,thenyouwouldtrytoreassurehimthatitwasgoingtobeokay,eventhoughitwasn’t.Thentheyhadusstandingroups,lineupatlittletables,andthat’swherethey

gave tattoos.Therewere threeguysworking there,and theyhadamachine. Itseemed to me to be like a drill, something you would use to work inconstruction,andthat’swhattheyusedasaneedletomakethetattoos.Asoneguyrecordedthenumbers,thesecondonewouldholdyoudown,andthethirdwouldcarveintoyourskin.Ithurtlikehell.Iobjected,andtheyknockedmeoutcold.Theygrabbedmeandhitmeovertheheadwitha2x4.HowdidIgetup?Yousee,thesebigbootskickyouintheribs,andevenifyou’rehalf-dead,youbecomealive.SomehowIgotup.Iwasgivenatattoowithmynumber:84281.

It’srighthereonmyforearm–Istillhaveittoday.OfcourseIrememberit;theynever called me by name, only by number. If you heard your number beingcalled,thatwaslikeyourname,andyouhadbettergettothefrontifyoudidn’twanttodie.Theywouldyellouttheorders,tellingyouwheretogo.Theyassignedmeto

Barrack 15. I had gotten separated from my brother, but when I got to thebarrack,therehewas.YaakovwastherewithothersfromPlonskandourrabbi,ayoungmannamedRabbiLifkowitz.IfeeltodayandIfeltatthattimeaspecialfeelingwhen I see a rabbi. I feelwarmth and love and respect. These are thepeoplethatIrelatetobecauseofmyownreligioustraining.Yaakovfeltthattooandfeltprotectiveovertherabbi.Thebarrackwaslikeastableorabarn,likeaplaceforanimals–notaplacefit

for people. They were the worst, poorest conditions you can imagine. Therewereplainwoodenbunkswithnothing:nomattresses, justbarewood. Idon’tknow how you can call that a bed – it was just a board, really. We werecrammed in – at least two to threemen to a bed.Wegot in there and lookedaround,notknowingwheretogo.Ithoughtthetopwouldbebetter,soIwentupthere.Ifiguredifsomeonegotsick–diarrheaorsomethinglikethat—itwoulddriponyouifyouwerebelow.Welearnedveryquicklythattheonlywaytogetablanketwastograbonefromsomeonewhohaddied.Andtherewerepeopledyingallthetime.Theonlythingwasthatthoseblanketscouldwalk,theyweresofulloflice.Allnightyouwouldbeitching.IsleptnexttopeopleIdidn’tevenknow,butwhocared?Ididn’tknowhow

manypeoplewereinthere,andIdidn’tknowwheremostofthemwerefrom.Ididn’tthinkaboutthosethings—Iwantedonlytosurvive.Tomakeitonemoreday,onemoreweek…Atthatpoint,asbadasitwas,Ithought,“Whatevertheconditions,I’lldealwithitiftheyjustletmeliveanddon’ttorturemeorabuseme…iftheyjustdon’tsendmetothecrematorium.”Wehadtogetupeverymorningbeforedawnat4a.m.Ifyoudidn’tgetouton

time, theywould beat you up, and youwould end up being carried out dead.Theywouldgiveyouabeatingrightthereonthebed.Theywouldlineusupforrollcalltwotothreetimesaday.Itwastotallyunnecessarytocountandrecountus. Itwas just anotherway to control and degrade.At theirwhim,we had tostandthereforhoursuntilweweresinkinginthemud.Ithinktheareausedtobefarmland,sowhenever therewasa littlebitofrain, itwouldbetotallymuddy.Therewere no sidewalks, no stones. If they put downwooden planks, it wasonlyfortheSStowalkonthem.OftentheSSusedtherollcalltofulfillaquota

theyhad tomeet:maybe theywere told theyhad toget ridof500people thatday.Theycoulddecidethattheywantedtokillsomanyfromthisbarracksorsomany from thatbarracks. Itwasaconstant reminder thatour liveswereworthnothing–lessthanaspeckofdirt.The Nazi strategy was to demoralize us and dehumanize us. That started

alreadyintheghettobyshowingushowwehadnopower.Therewasaconstantthreat of death in the camp. They would advertise this by having us witnesspeoplebeingshotorleavingothershangingsothatwewouldgetthemessage.AnySSmancouldkillaprisoner,and thiswasacceptedandsupportedby thecampcommand.TherewasanSSmanthattauntedme.Heputalittlefoodinhishandandsaid,

“Youseethis,Iwon’tgiveyouthisfood–youcan’teatourfood,itisonlyforus.”Atsomepoint,Istartedtothinkmaybehewasright,maybeIwasanoddball.MaybeJewswerenotlikeotherpeople.IthoughtthatthiswaslikeSodomandGomorrah,thatthiswastheendoftheworld.Ididn’tdreamthatIwouldbeheretotellaboutwhathappenedthere.Icouldn’timaginethatIwouldsurviveandhaveafamily.Thefoodwegotwassoinadequate,thereislittletodescribe.Itfeltlikethey

tookgrassorstrawfromthegroundandstirreditupinabigpot. Itwassomekindofsoup,intowhichtheyputtheremainsofvegetableslikepotatopeelsthattheydidn’tbotherwashing.Youatesoyoufeltsomethinginyourmouth,evenifsometimesitwassand.Ifyouwentfirsttogetfood,thenitwasmorewateronthetop;ifyouwereoneofthelast,iftherewasstillsomeleft,thenmaybeitwasalittlethicker.Wealsogotaboutaquarterofabreadaday–itwasenoughtofeedabird.Ihadthe“privilege”ofcomingfromapoorhome,andIwashardened.Ihad

gone hungry every day of my life; I was never filled up. But at home, eventhoughwehadlittlefood,wehadnourishingfood.Mysisterswouldcookupagoodsoup.InAuschwitz,youdidn’tgetthevitaminsyouneeded.Iwasusedtobeinghungry,butthiswasbeyondhungry.Whatwegotwasfarlessthanwhatahumanbeingneedsjustinordertoexist.Mostpeopleliveddays,notmonths.Therewassomekindofteamadefromplantsandherbs,anditsmelledfunny.

Therewererumorsthattheyputdrugsinitsopeoplewouldhavenodesireforsexoranythingelse.Butwhocareswhatwasinthere–youweresodesperateforadrink,you tookanythingyoucouldget.And ifwaspoison,you thought,“Good, Iwon’thave toworryabouthow tosurviveanymore.”Nowwewisheachotheragoodyear,ahealthyyear…butthenwedidnot.Ourwishwasjust

togetthroughtheday,ortonotandmeetourend.After twoor threedays,mybrotherand the rabbiwanted tocommitsuicide.

When they realizedwhatwasgoingon, theyeach said, “Thisworld isnot forme.”Theydidn’tcareaboutanything.Theydidn’tevenwanttositdownonthebed.Theydidn’twanttosleepwheretheyweretoldtosleep.Theydidn’twantto do anything. They thought they could never be Jews in this world. Theythoughtthatthiswastheendanddidn’twanttotryforonemoreday.Thenextmorningtheydidnotwanttogoouttowork.Icametothemandtoldthemthatwewouldgotogether,buttheyrefused.Yaakovsaidtome,“No,Ican’t.”Ididn’t argue,and Iwentout in the snow towork.Then theotherprisoners

toldmethatiftheydidn’tgotowork,Iwouldn’tseethemagain.WhenIcamebackthateveningtheyweregone;theywerenomore.Ineversawthemagain,butI’msurethey’reinparadise.MybrotherYaakovwasafineperson,andhewastoogoodtoliveinthatworld.Ididnotseehimbeingtakenaway,butlaterIsawwhathappenedtoothers.Ifyoudidn’tgotowork,youwerekilledorleftfordead.Youwereleft,andthentheguardswentfromhousetohouselookingforthe dead bodies. They came for them like theywere coming for garbage andtookthemaway.Ilearnedthehardwaythatifyoustayedbehindinthebarracks,youwouldbe

dead.SoIwent toworkat4a.m.everymorninganddidas Iwas told. In thefreezing snow and the pouring rain, wewent. In the beginning they gavemesenselesswork.Wewentouttotheshedandhadtoshovelthedirtfromheretothereandfromtheretohere.Whydidtheydothis?Notbecausetheyneededit,butinordertodestroyus.Theydidthistoworkustodeathinsteadofoutrightkillingpeopleeveryday.In addition to exhaustion from the long hours of backbreaking work in the

harshweather,we also suffered horrendous abuse by the guards.One daywehadthismalicious,sadisticguardwhomarchedusout toshovelsnow.Hewasanuneducatedthugfromafarm;heprobablyusedtoshovelmanureandnowhehad all this power. He had a bayonet rifle, and he took off the knife – thebayonet part—and calledmeover.He said, “Come, you; come, comehere.” Iwasthetallestinthewholegroup,aroundsix-feettall.HetookthemuzzleoffhisfiercedogincaseIattackedhim.Thenhetookthe

knifeandcutmeabovemyeye.Rightontheeye!Itstartedtobleed.Hesangasongwhilehewasdoingthis…somethingabouttheJewishbloodbeingred.I’mthinking,“Ishecrazy?”Washediscipliningme?Forwhat?Ididn’tdoanything.HewasplayingwithusJews.Hethought,“IcancutaJew,sowhynot?!”He

tormentedme,andhediditforfunjustbecausehecoulddowhateverhelikedwiththeJude(theJew).Myeyegot infectedandfesteredforavery longtime.Itwasfullofpusand

swollentothesizeofanegg.Onenight, inthemiddleof thenight,Iwokeupfromthepainandheldmyeye.Icouldn’ttakeitanymore–Ifeltlikemybrainwas coming out – and that I would probably go berserk.My fingernails hadgrown a bit, and I took my nails and poked my eye with all my might. Ipunctureditwithmyfingernails,prayingforGodtorelieveme.Allofasudden,mywholefacewascoveredwithpus.Itwasasifapailofmudwashedoverme,andIfeltsuchrelief.Ithelpedrightaway,andIthankedGod.Itmusthavetakenoverayeartoheal.AnothertimeIwastakentoworksomewhereinthecamptocleanthecagesof

thedogs.Theywerelarge,viciousdogsthatwereusedagainstusprisoners.TheSSlovedtheirdogsandtookgoodcareofthem.Thosedogsgotbetterfoodthanwehumans.Thedogswerehungry,andIsawanSSmanbringthemabigpotofbeef stew.The foodsmelledsogood, itdrovemecrazy. Ina split second, thedog swallowed it down.So theguardbroughthimanotherbowl full.Thedogslowed down as he ate, barely finishing, and then growled when the thirdhelpingcame. I lookedaroundandwentover to theclosetwhere thecleaningsupplieswerekept. Igrabbedabroomandmanagedwith thebroomhandle togetthedog’sdishclosertome.Ialwayscarriedmywoodenspoononme;itwastheonlywaywecouldeat.SoIreachedoutandgotaspoonfulof thatfood.Imanagedonebite,andthedogstartedtobark.TheguardcamerunningbackanddidIgetabeating.SuchabeatingIdon’tevenwantyoutothinkaboutit.Youwouldn’twanttolookatme.Iwasunrecognizable.Isaidtomyself,“IfIhavetocontinuelikethis,Iwon’tlive.”My friends from the yeshiva who were with me in the barracks were also

distraught.Isaidtothem,“Wedon’thaveachancehere.”Ididn’twanttoliveanymore andneither did they.Wedecided itwas our time to commit suicide,andwetookafewdaystoplanandorganizeit.TheyknewthatIwasarabbi,and they listened towhatever I had to say. I came upwith a plan.We talkedaboutgoingtothefence,theelectrifiedfencethathad75,000volts.Weknewweprobablywouldn’tmake it to the fencebutwouldget abullet first.Wedidn’tcare.Wehopedmaybetheguardswouldfallasleep.Wesnuckoutinthemiddleofthenight.Wewalkedalongwaytoget tothefenceat thefarborderof thecamp.Allofasudden,Istoppedshort.Icouldn’tmoveforwardorbackward.I just

froze in place. I heard voices inYiddish talking tome.Theywere imploring,“Don’tdoit!Goback!”Thevoicespleadedwithmenottokillmyselfandtogoonliving.Myfriendsmadeittothefenceandwereelectrocuted,andIleftthemtheredead.ButImadeaU-turnandwentbackbymyself.Iwalkedbackwithoutgettingcaught–nobullet,nonothing.Iwasokay.ItwasamiraclethatImadeitbackalive.Iwentbackinthebarrack,laydown,andfellasleep.WhenIwoke,Ipinched

myself.Iwonderedif itwasadream.MaybeIhadgottendisorientedfromthesmells.ButIsawitwastrue,thatitwasnottheendoftheworldforme.AtthatmomentIexperiencedadifferentkindofthinking,analteredstateofmindlikewhatI imaginethegreatrabbisexperience.Iamnotafanatic,andIhadneverhadanyexperienceslikehearingvoices,butIheardthesevoices.Maybeitwasmyintuition,butIfeltthesevoiceswerefrommyfamily,frommymotherandfather.Orwere they the angelsMichael andGabrielwatchingovermeagain?Whoeveritwas,Ifelttheyweretellingmenottogiveuponlife.

ChapterTenSurvivingAgainstAllOddsAfewdayslaterIwassittinginthebarracks,stillthinkingabouthowIcouldenditall

andwishingtobedead.Igotupatfourinthemorningandprayed.Butmyprayerdidn’thelp.Itwaslikeprayingfortherain,andtherainwouldn’tcome.There’sasonglikethat…Isatthere

andIjustwantedtodie.

ThenIheardsomeonecallmyname,Iheard,“Heinrich!”Isatonthebed,andthesetwoguyscameupandtalkedwithme.Isawintheirhandsapairofshoes,andIsaidtomyself,“Oh,myGod.”IsawtheseshoesthatIneededsobadly.Iaskedrightawaytherealquestion:“Howdoyouknowmyname?”“Volanskisaidtofindyou.Hesaidthatyoucoulddothejob.”Theyhadtalked

tosomeguysintheSonderkommandowhotoldthemtocomeseeme.The Sonderkommando was a special unit where they were forced to work

disposingofthedeadbodies.Theyneededstrongyoungmaleinmateslikeme.JustthatdayIhadbeenselectedtoworkthere,butsomeonetippedmeoff.Hesaid,“Getoutfromthere,youwillbekilled!”SomehowIhadmanagedtogetinadifferentlinefortheworkdetail.Theyhadbetterconditionsoverthere,butitwasgruesomeworkandall theworkerswerekilledeveryfewmonthsbecause

theysawthingstheyshouldn’thave.Therewereotherboys I knew from theyeshiva, friends frommyhometown

whoplayedsoccerwithme.Infact,oneofthemwasoneoftheboyswhohadsavedmylifebefore,theonewhohadwatchedwhenthetwoGermansputmeintothatbasementinMlawa.ThosefriendshadgottentoAuschwitzbeforemeandwereputintotheSonderkommando.Theywantedtohelpme,andtheysentthesetwoPolishguystofindme.Myfriendstoldthem,“He’stheguy;heisaleader.”ThemenstandingbeforemenowwerePolishcivilians,notJewish.Theycame

into the camp and did work for the Nazis. They weremaintenancemenwhomaderepairsontheniceapartmentswheretheSSmenlived.Buttheywerealsopartisans,workingwiththeresistanceontheoutside.Theyexplainedtomewhattheywantedmetodo.Theywanted informationabout the transports:howmanypeoplecame,what

they did to them, howmanywere killed. Theywanted to know details aboutwhat was done: did they shoot them, did they hang them? Those in theSonderkommando knew information that the rest of us did not. Those whoworked the night shift burned the people and things from each transport, andthey wrote down what they saw, what they destroyed. I was to get thisinformationfrommyfriendsintheSonderkommandoandgiveittothepartisans.TheytoldmethatifIworkedwiththem,theywouldhelpmesurvive,giveme

a little extra food and help where they could. Maybe even give me a littlemoney.TherewasablackmarketinAuschwitz,andifyouhadsomemoneyorsomething of value, you could get things or bribe people. The guys in theSonderkommandomight find somethingononeof the bodies, and theywouldpassitontome.Theyknewthattheyweregoingtodie,sotheysaid,“GiveittoHenry,hewillhelpsomebody—hewillbribesomebody,hewilldosomething.”But thepartisanswarnedme: if Igotcaught,even if Iwas toldby theNazis

thattheywouldsavemeifIgavetheothernames,theNaziswouldnothesitatetokillusall. Iunderstoodthat ifanythinghappened,Iwasonmyown.Itwasclearlyabigrisk.ButwhatdidIhavetolose?IthoughtanythingIcoulddotohurt theGermanswasworthmy life. I knew that if Iwas caught, Iwould betortured todeath.But I thoughtaboutwhat Iwoulddoand that Iwould try tofight back – kick and hit until they shot me. I believed I would be able tomaintainsecrecyandnotgiveawaytheothers.Thiswasespionage.Theygavemetheshoesandtoldmewhatmyassignment

was. “This shoe opens. It has a hollow heel, and youwill put the notes with

information in there.”That’swhen they toldmewhat todo: togoover to theSonderkommando,getwhattheyhadwritten,andputthesmallnotesinmyshoe.ThenthetwoPolishpartisanswouldcomeandgetitbeforetheyleftthecampatabout4o’clockeachday.ThePolishmanwastheonewhocarrieditoutsideofthecamp.He’s theonewhodelivered it likeamailman,giving it to thepress.Thisinformationwenttothefreepress.Theywanted to get the information out to the newspapers so that theworld

wouldknowwhatwashappening.So thatAmericawouldknow!Howdid thepress know that millions were being killed? Through me! The guys in theSonderkommandoweretheoneswritinglittlenotesonlittlescrapsofpaperthatreadsomethinglikethis:“2000cameinfromPlonsktoday,1,230werekilled,abit of gold and a fewwatcheswere found.” It was hard to get the paper andpenciltowritethenotes,buttheyusedwhatevertheycouldfind.EverymorningIwouldcomeandgreetoneof theguysby thegate.Hewouldreachhishandthrough thewire fence andgiveme thepaper, and Iwould towalk away andthenfindaplacewhereIcouldputitinmyshoe.TheSSweren’tsosmartastocheckshoes. If theyknew, theywouldhavehad tocheckeverybody,and theydidn’t.Thepartisanscametoworkeverydaytoworkontheplumbingandthingslike

thatfortheSS.Theycouldwalkfreelythroughoutthecamp,andtheyhadacartsotheycouldgoaroundtothedifferentbarracks.Imetthemeverydaywhereverthey toldme. I’d be next to a barrack (every barrack had a number). Then Iwouldgoinsidethebarrackandopenuptheshoe.Igavethemthesmallslipofpaper,andIsawwheretheyputit.Hehadawoodentoolboxheusedtocarrythetools,andithadafalsebottom.Itwasahiddencompartment,andtheyputthenote in therewith the other things, like a hammeror a flashlight, on top.Thepartisansdidagoodjob,andtheyhadmanypeople involved.Differentpeopleweredoingdifferent things. Ihad those special shoes,butothershaddifferenttasks. I didn’t know exactly how they did what they did or what theirconnectionswerewithotherpartisansontheoutside.Eachpersonknewonlyhispart—itwassaferthatway.SoonIgota“good”job:Iworkedinthewomen’slager, thewomen’scamp,

andIworked therefora long time. Idugpits for the latrines.Ofcourse, therewereno toiletswithwater in the camp.The facilitieswere veryprimitive andconsistedoflong,deepditcheswheretheprisonershadtotakecarenottofallin.Itwasmyjobtodig thepits threefeetdeep,andwhentheyfilledwithhumanwaste,Ihadtodignewones.

Itwasagood job.because Ididn’thave togoout to the fieldswhere itwascoldandwindyandtotallyexposed.Ididn’thavetomarchalongwayandgetwetandbeopentotheelementswithout theproperclothing.Therewasaroofoverthelatrines,soIhadcover.Ialsodidn’thavetoworkashardallthetime,becausetheSSguardsdidn’tlikestayingtooclosetothisfoul,filthyplace.Wewouldbedigging,andifnoSSmenwerearound,wewouldputtheshoveldownforafewminutesandjustgrabitwhenwesawsomeonecoming.Thatwaywecould rest a littlebit.Whenever I coulddo less, itwasbetter forme; Ihad topreservemyenergy.Itmaynotsoundpleasant,butthiswasthebestjobformeinAuschwitz.When

I got assigned that job, I found Anna, my girlfriend from the ghetto. I wasworking there, and shewalked by. Iwas so happy to find her. This gavemehope.At least I had someone familiar, someone to have the feeling of familywith.Ialsoknewhersistersfromtheghetto.Shetoldmethattheywereallalivebuthowdifficultitwasgoingouteachdaytoworkinthesnow.AndItoldherhow Iwanted to killmyself. I knew shewould be against it. She said, “But,why?Iamalive.Whataboutus?”ItwasdifficultformetotellhernowthatIdidn’twanttolivelikethis.AndsheknewthatIwasdedicatedtohelpingher.Iwantedhertofeelgood,soIstartedtalkingaboutmydreamsthatwewouldstayalive,thatwewouldsurvivethismess.Isaidtomyself,“Thesunhastoshineformetoo.”Isawalittledooropenjustacrack,andsoIsawalittlehope.Afterthat,IsawAnnaeverydayinAuschwitz.Iwantedtohelpmygirlfriend

and her sisters. I knew they came from a respectable family. They were finepeople, and I feared for them. I wanted to do something good, to help savesomebody.Anna’s sisterswereSarah,Manya, andEsther. In the end, they allsurvived.IsaidtoAnna,“I’lldowhateverIcantohelpyou.Iwillhelpyougetabetter job. What kind of job do you want?” She was smart and had alreadylookedaroundtoseewhatwouldbemoreadvantageous.Shewantedtoworkinthe laundry.Thatwasagood job,because itwaswarm insideand theydidn’thavetogooutintherainandsnow.Someoftheotherprisonerswereputinchargeofus.Theywerecalledkapos.

MykapowasDutch andnot Jewish.Hewas not a criminal, likemanyof theprisonerswhowerekapos.HehadbeenapilotandwasshotdownandcapturedbytheGermans.TheywantedtotakehimintotheGermanarmy,buthewouldnotgo.Hesaidhewouldratherdiethango.Hewasagoodman,unlikemanyoftheotherswhocouldbecruelandjustasbadastheNazis.Hehadagoodjobasakapo.Hewasalso involved inworkingagainst theNazis.Hehadaromance

with a female SS guard. Shewas a good-lookingGerman girl, and he fell inlove.SheworkedfortheGermansandwasnotallowedtohavearomancewithaprisoner. If anyone found out, she would’ve gotten in big trouble and wouldhave been arrested. So theywould be in the room kissing orwhatever, and Istoodguardoutside incaseanSSmancame.Yousee,Igothim,hegotme.Ikept his secret, so he helpedme.You couldn’t trust anyone unless you knewsomething,hadsomethingtotrade.That connectionhelpedmearrangea job forAnnaandher sisters.Also,my

kapo arranged for Anna to help his SS girlfriend. She was not an educatedwoman,andshehadtokeeprecordsfortheNazis.SoAnnahelpedherandkepthersecret,andthatwaywouldgetalittlesomethingextratoeat.MakingthosearrangementsforAnnaandhersisterstooksomepressureoffme.IfeltatleastIcould help them when so many of my family had died. Sixty-three peoplewouldn’tcomeback,butIcouldsaveothers.BecauseIwasgoingbackandforthbetweenthemen’scampandthewomen’s

camp,Iwasinapositiontohelpothersaswell.Peoplewouldaskmetofindoutabout their family members, since a woman in the women’s camp wouldn’tknowwhowasinthemen’scamp.Theywouldn’tknowwhetherornotalovedonewasstillalive.Someonewouldcometome,desperate:“I lostmywholefamily,maybeyou

canfindoutsomethingaboutthem…”Isaid,“Ilostmyfamilytoo.Iunderstand,Iwanttohelp.”Inthisway,Imet

people andhelped them,and theyhelpedme. If Idid something for someone,theygavemealittlebreadorwhatevertheyhadtotrade.Forexample,Iwouldgetthenameoftheperson’sfamilylikeLuvondosky,andIwouldaskaroundforhim and find out if he had survived.The next day,when I brought the happynews that he was still alive, the woman was so happy and thankful that sheofferedmeagiftofalittlepieceofpotato.I realized how important information was. The information I got from the

women’s lagerwaspersonal,butwespread it around thatwewanted toknowwhathappened,and ifpeoplesawanythingorheardanything, theyshould tellus. Iwanted tohearwhatever Icould,because Ineverknewwhen itmightbehelpful.Youlearnfastinthecamps.Youlearnhowtosurvive.Youbecomeanoldsoldier.Ididn’thavetogotouniversity;Ilearnedhowtothinkintermsofsurvival.Ibecameaprofessorofsurvival,anexpertinanythingandeverything.I became successful in organizing additional food. Each time I found

information for someone, I bartered for some extra bits. At first, I would eat

whatever I got right awaybecause Iwas so hungry, and if I brought the foodbacktomybarracks,itwouldhavebeenstolen.ThenIstartedgivingittoAnnaandhersisters,andallfourofthematefromthatbitoffood.Theyhadaplacetohidethefoodinthelaundry,soshekeptwhateverwecouldpulltogether.Theymanaged to eat from that and had something waiting for me every morning.WhenIate, I felt likeIwascommittingacrime,becauseIwas taking itawayfrom them. I wanted them all to survive, but they wanted to help me too.Nothing stoppedme fromgoing towork and seeing themeachmorning–notfeveroranything–Ialwaysdraggedmyselfthere.Mostly,Ididn’thaveproblemswiththeSScommandersinthewomen’slager,

butoneday,Schillingerspottedmetalkingtoawoman,andIwasnotsupposedto speak to anyone while I was working. She was askingme for help, and Icouldn’tturnherdown.Andthenalongcomesthisinfamouscommandantwhohadareputationforbeingespeciallycruelandsadistic.HeapproachedmeandIknew that it was my judgment day. This guy Schillinger was worse thanMengele; he was an enforcer. He liked to punish prisoners for the slightestinfractionof therules.He looked likeaboxer. Icouldn’teven lookathim,hewassougly.Hewasvicious,andIdidn’tknowwhetherIwouldgetoutalive.Hestartedtopummelmeandbeatmeupsobadlythathedidn’tbotherwasting

abulletonme.Hejustkickedmewithhisheavyblackboots,rolledmeintoabigpitthatwasabouttwofeetaway,andleftmefordead.IwasclosetowhereAnna worked at the time, and she could see the whole thing. As soon asSchillinger left,all theJewishgirlsfromthe laundrycameout–Annaandhersistersandothers.Itwasaverydeeppit,buttheytookasheetandclimbeddownand then rolledme up and gotme out of there. Somehow they gotme out –Idon’tknowhowtheymanaged.ImaginewhatconditionIwasin.Theycleanedmeupand thengotmeover tomybarracks, to themen’s lager. Idon’tknowhowImadeit,becauseitwaslateandtherewasn’tenoughtimetomaketherollcall.Itwasamiracle.I saw the many miracles that led to me surviving each incident, but Anna

couldn’ttalkaboutit.IsaidtoAnna,“YouthinknowIwillsurvive?”Shesaid,“Shh…don’t talk,don’t talk.”Shewassuperstitious.YoubecamesuperstitiousinAuschwitz;youdidn’twanttosayanythingthatwouldtemptfate.Istillaskmyselftoday–howdidIsurvivethatbeating?Itwasasifthewoundsandfevermeantnothing–thebodyjustneedsthewilloftheperson.AndifHaShemhasmercyforyou,thenthat’sallyouneed.Icouldn’thelpthinkingaboutthatbeastSchillinger;howmanypeoplehehadkilledandhowhemeanttokillme.There

wasnotevenalittlebitofcompassioninhisheart.Ifhewouldseemeagain,hewouldsurelyshootme.But thenagain,hewouldn’t recognizeme–Iwas justanotherJew,andhehadbeatenupsomany.IprayedtoHaShem,“Helpme,Iwould like to live tosee thismandead.ThenIcandie.MayGodtakehis lifesomehow,somewhere.”Andthenwhathappened?Ithinkmyprayerswereanswered.Oneday,about

twoweeksafterIwasbeatenup,atransportarrivedfromWarsaw.Iheardthatinthe new group there was an actress, a very beautiful woman. The SS hadeverybody undress to go into the room next to the gas chambers. She wasbleeding; thedogshadbittenher,andshedidn’twant togo in.Shemusthavesensedthedangeranddidn’twanttocontinue.SotheycalledSchillinger,andhecamevery close toher, distractedbyherbeauty.She saw thathisholsterwasopenandwasabletograbthegunandshoothim.Andthensheshotherself.Shetookherownlifeanddidnotgotothegas.ThenewsspreadquicklyinthelagerthatSchillingerwasdead.Theprisoners

rejoiced tobe ridof thatnotoriousbrute. I couldn’tbelieve it. Ihadprayed toGod that he would be dead, and now hewas dead. I was so grateful. But ofcoursethiswasaterribleblowtotheNazis.WhentheSSheardwhathappened,officerslikethecampcommandantandMengelecamequickly.Onthespot,theydecidedonretribution,andtheymoweddownthepeoplewithmachineguns–somanydead.Foroneperson,400paidwiththeirlives.Ittookmanymiraclesformetosurvive.Youcouldbepunishedatanytimefor

anything. Most often, it was for not following orders at work, being in aforbiddenplace,talkingwithcivilians,ortryingtogetholdofextrafood.Ihadtoriskallthosethings,butitdidn’tmatterbecauseyoualsocouldbepunishedfor nothing at all. If for some reason they decided you should be severelypunished, they could send you to the punishment, or Strafekommando. It waskindof a penal colonywithinAuschwitz inBlock9. Iwas sent there. I don’trememberwhyandIdon’tknowhowIsurvived—mostpeopledidn’t.Therethetreatmentwasespeciallybrutal.We received thepoorest foodandwereput toworkonthemoststrenuousworkassignments.Thepurposetherewastodestroyus, and I would not have gotten out of there alive if my friends in theSonderkommandohadn’tsomehowfoundawaytobribeanofficertoletmeout.Theplacewasnotoriousforcruelandunusualpunishment.Oneexamplewas

when theydiscovered that therewas a father and son together.Mengele cameanddecidedthepunishmentshouldbeforthefathertokillhisson.Iguessitwassomekindofperverseexperimentforhim.Hehandedthefatheragunandtold

himtoshoothisson,butthefathercouldn’tdoit.Sothenthesonwasorderedtoshoot the father, andhedid.And then, of course, hewas shot too. If that hadhappenedtome,Ithought,“Mylifeisover,butatleastmaybeIcouldtakethecommandant along with me.” I would have tried to shoot him. But Mengeleknewthatnobodycouldshoothim.Iftheprisonerwouldhavetakenthegunandturned toward him, he would immediately be shot by the other guards. Hewouldn’thavehadachance.ButIfigured,tryitatleast.Another time, it was Hitler’s birthday, and the SS wanted to give him a

birthdaypresentbykillingmoreJews.Weknewsomethingwasgoingonwhenthe SS walked around saluting, “Heil Hitler” and talking about the Furher’sbirthday.Theywantedtoburn2000morepeopleonthis“specialday”especiallyforHitler.IheardthattheSStookpicturestogivetohim.Anewtransporthadcomeinwithmanychildren.Ithinktheywerepeoplewho

had been turned away from other countries, like those on the St. Louis ship.Theyunloadedthetrucksandletloosetheviciousdogs.Thosekidsranfortheirlives,screamingatthetopoftheirlungs.Theyranbuthadnowheretoescapeto,and thedogswerebiting them. Itwasbeyondbelief tohear the spine-chillingscreams,toheartheirterror,andtobesohelpless.Ittormentedus.SomeofthenewcomerstoAuschwitzhadbeenstarvingtodeath,andtheycouldhardlyrun.OtherswerestrippednakedbytheSSandchased.Peopledon’tliketoheartheterribledetails,butunthinkablethingshappenedinthatevilplace.Lifewassorandom.Italkedwithgirlsandriskedmylife.OrmaybeIwould

betheonewhowasselectedtobekilledbecauseIwasstandinginthemiddleofthefivelinesatrollcall.Oratwork,thesupervisingofficermightlookaroundandjustshootsomeonerightnexttomeandleavemestillstanding.Thereweresomanycontradictions:youdon’thavea chance,youdon’t care about living,youhavenothing to lose,but somehowyouwant to survive.Somany times Ithought to myself, “God, give me death. Have mercy on me.” But somehowunderneath it all, my will to live never disappeared. My time wasn’t up—HaShemhadsomethingplannedforme.Ikeptinmindtheteachingthatwearehere for a purpose, and that it is our obligation to pass onour traditions fromgenerationtogeneration:“Dorledor.”IheardmyinnervoicetellmethatImustnevergiveup,nevergiveup.

ChapterElevenNearingtheEnd

It was like the flickering of a flame – the will to live. We were so tired ofsuffering.Wasitallgoingtobeworthit?Therewasalwayssomeambivalenceaboutlivinganddying.Whatifsurvivingonlymeanttosuffermore?Howlongcouldthisgoon?Iwasmoreafraidofsufferingthenofbeingdead.Asdesperateas the situation was, I tried to remember what I knew from the Torah – thatnobodycouldlastforever.LikethepharaohinEgypt,IknewHitlercouldn’tlast.Ihadlearnedinmyreligioustrainingthatbadpeoplehadbadcomingtothem.Iwantedtobelievethat.When someone ruinsmy life,what could I do?Could I bless them? I could

onlycursetheGermans.AnditgavemealittlehappinessinmyhearttothinkIcould help destroy them. It helped me to know that I had a part in gettinginformation out, that I could do a little something against their wishes. I feltsome relief knowing that some news was getting out to the world. And thateventually,itwoulddestroythem.Thepartisansgavemesomeinformationaboutwhatwashappeninginthewar

and the outsideworld. They said, “Henry, you have to hold on.There’s goodnews—theGermansarelosingthewar.Thingsaregoingtogetbetter.”But I thought, “What good is it for me? Until I see happiness, I’ll be

dead.Fromsix-feetunder, itwillbetoolateforme.”Ididn’tknowifIwouldsurvivetoseewhathappened.IdoubtedmyfateuntilIsawthesemiraculouseventshappenagainandagain.

Each time I thought it was my end, I managed to survive. I said, “HaShem,you’re working for me, you want me alive.” I figured out that God hadsomethinginmindforme,andonewayoranother,Ikeptmywilltolive.Ievenstarted thinkingaboutwhat Imightdo if Igotout. IknewIdidn’twant togobacktoPoland.TherewasaRussianprisonerofwarwhohadbefriendedmeandhelpedmemanytimesinAuschwitz.Hewasatall,handsomemanandhadbeenanoutstandingsoldier.IthoughtIwouldbesafewithhimandthatIwouldgoto

Russiawithhimafterthewar.Hediscouragedmefromeventhinkingaboutthepossibilityandexplained thathewouldprobablybekilled.And that isexactlywhat happened. He and the other Russians in his groupwere all executed byStalinupontheirreturnafterthewar.Istayedworkinginthewomen’slageruntilmylastdayinAuschwitzin1945.

Thatmorningwegotuptogotowork,andtheytoldusthateverybodyhadtoleaveandwhoeverstayedbehindin thebarrackswouldbeblownup.Thesickcouldn’twalk,sotheystayed.Butintheend,theydidn’tevenhavetimetoblowitup.Theymarchedusoutingroupsof300,withtwoSSmenandtwodogs.Outof those 300 in my group, we were thirty left in the end. Two-hundred andseventypeoplediedalongtheway.Theymarchedusout,andwehadnoideawhereweweregoing.TheSSused

to tell us that the onlyway outwas through the chimney, butwe survived towalkout through thegate.But somanydidn’tmake itmuchbeyond that.Wewere still guarded, pushed to keepwalking andmoving beyond any limits ofendurance.Wehadnothing–nofood,nowater.Whentherewasa littlebitofrain,wetriedtocatchafewdropsinourmouths.Ifyousloweddownalongtheway,youwereshot.Theonlythingthatkeptusgoingwasthatweknewtheendofthewarwascoming.Mostlywedidn’tseeanyonealongtheway,butonedaytherewasacurious

kid,maybe aHitler youth from the local village,who rode his bike nearby. Iguesshewantedtoseetheprisoners,soherodebywhileeatingabeautifulredapple.IsawthatappleandIfeltsohungryIthoughtIcouldeatmyownflesh.Idon’tknowifhemeanttotauntus,butheatemaybeaquarterofitandtossedthecoreaway.Therewasstillsomuchappleonit,Iyearnedforabite.IthoughtIwouldratherdiethangoonwithoutanyfood,soIranupandgrabbedtheapplecore.Ofcourse,Ipaidforittoo.Igothitovertheheadandbeatenupsobadly,Iwouldn’thavemadeitifwehadn’tgottenliberatedsoonafter.Afterwalking fordays,wecameuponanoldbarnor stable. I heardourSS

guardstalktothefarmerwhocametoseewhatwashappening.Theyaskedhim,“Do you have animals here? Do you have cattle? Swine?” The SS told thefarmer, “Take out your animals.We’re going to put them in here and blow itup.”Afterallthis,theyweregoingtoblowusup!Iunderstoodwhattheyweresaying,becauseIunderstoodGerman.Thefarmerwasupset.Hescreamedatthem,“Takethemoutandshootthem!”

Hewasn’tupsetaboutour fate;hewasworriedabouthisold ricketybarnandanimals.Hedidn’ttellthemtoletusgo,butinsteadhetoldthemtokillus.He

camewithabigpitchforkandofferedtohelptaketheJewsandshootthem.I tried to talk to the guy next tome, but he didn’t even care anymore. His

reactionwasapathetic:“Letthemgoaheadshootus.”ThenIrealizedthattheseSSmenactuallyjustwantedtogetaway.Theywantedtoescape,becausetheysawthattheyweregoingtolosethewar.Theywantedtoberidofus,butthatwasprovingtobeaproblem.Sotheytoldustowaitthere,thattheyhadtochecktheroadaheadandwhetherthesmallbridgethelocalfarmershadbuiltwassafe.It turnedout that theyhadpreparedthemselvesbywearingplainclothesundertheir uniforms so that they could get away and blend inwith the locals.Theywent to checkwhether itwas safe – not for us, but for themselves!And theynevercameback.Soonwerealizedthatwewerefree–wewerefree!Theminutewe knewwewere left there on our own,we started looking for

anythingtoeat.Starving,wedesperatelystartedpullingupwhateverwefoundgrowing–somepotatoesandcarrots–andeatingthemrawandcakedwithdirt.OneoftheprisonerswithuswasaRussiandoctor,andhetriedtowarnusthatwecouldgetverysick.Hegrabbedthefoodaway,andintheendhehadtohitus to keep us from eating. Laterwe heard thatmany people died from eatingthingstheirfrailsystemscouldnotprocess.EveryGermancitywasinruins.Theinfrastructure had been destroyed throughout Germany. There were nogoverningbodiesoranycrimecontrol.TheAmericanmilitarytookonthistaskand set upheadquarters inmany cities.They set up a facility inMarburghonLangueatanabandonedschool. Itwasa largeheadquartershousingAmericansoldiers,withahugecafeteriaandoffices.Wehadbeenwalkingforthreedaysandthreenights,andhadwalkedasfaras

wecouldintoGermany.IwasliberatedfromthedeathmarchonApril22ndat11 o’clock in themorning. I remember because it was the first time inmanyyearsthatIcouldasksomebodywithawatchwhattimeitwas.Atfirstwedidn’tseeanysoldiers.Wehadtogoupahill,andthenwecouldseethatwewereintheAmericanzone.ButIcouldn’trejoice.Iwashurtfromthebeatingandveryweakanddizzyfromexhaustionandstarvation.Iwalkedaboutanotherquartermile,andthenIfaintedandcollapsedontheroad.AsIlaytheredying,someonepushedme to the side and coveredmewith a blanket – thatmeant youweredead.Therewereplentyofpeoplelyingdeadalongtheroad.There were American soldiers in the area and an army hospital close by in

Marburg.TwoAmericanarmynurseswalkedbyandsawthat theblanketovermemoved.Theyknewtherecouldbemovementswhensomeonewasdyingandthe organs shutting down, but they decided to pick up the blanket and check.

Theyuncoveredme,andImovedagain.TheysawthatmyeyesopenedandthatIwantedtosaysomething,butIcouldn’t.TheysawthatIcouldstillberescuedandgotmetothearmyhospital.Iftheyhadn’tfoundmewhentheydid,Iwouldhave been dead.My systemwas already starting to shut down. Those nursesweretheangelsthatsavedmylife.Theytookgoodcareofme.LaterwhenIhadrecovered,theytoldmehowtheyhadfoundme.TheAmericans, theRussians, theBritish, and the French occupied different

areas, and we had gotten to the American zone. I was lucky these wereAmericans.TheybroughtmetotheAmericanarmyhospitalandtookgoodcareofme. They gaveme intravenous fluids andmedicines, and they broughtmebacktolife.IlaytherefordaysandwhenIcameto,acheerfulnursespoketomesweetlyandtoldmewhereIwas. Ididn’tspeakmuchEnglishat the time,butIunderstoodtheword“American,”andIsaid,“ThankGod.”WhenIbecamealittlestronger,Italkedtothem.Theysawthenumberonmyarmandwantedtoknowmoreaboutwhathappened tome.At thatpoint, theydidn’tknowmuchaboutwhathadgoneonintheconcentrationcamps.Theyheard that I spoke fluentGerman, and I told them that I spoke several

otherlanguagesaswell.Theytoldthecaptainaboutme,andhecametovisitme.HespokeGermanwithmeandtoldmetocomeandseehimwhenIfeltbetter.WhenIrecoveredandgotstrongagain, theygavemeclothesandfixedmeupand sentme toheadquarters tomeetwith the captain.He toldme that hewaslooking for someone like me. They needed a fluent German speaker andsomeone familiar with the culture who could talk with the local people. HeworkedwithCID, theCriminalInvestigationDepartment,doingmilitarycrimeinvestigation,andhewantedmetocomeandworkforthem.

ChapterTwelveWorkingfortheAmericans

The Americans were chasing down Nazis, and they had a lot of complaintscoming in from the localGerman people. They needed someone to help. ThecaptaintoldmetheyhadajobformeandthatifIdidafinejob,theywouldsendmetoAmerica.Thatwasthebestjobinmylife.TheAmericanstreatedmesowell,andIwassohappytoworkforthem.Ifinallyfeltthatsomeoneconsideredme tobeahumanbeing.Youcan imaginehowI feltafteryearsofbeing toldthatIwasworthlessthannothing,afteryearsofeveryonebeingagainstme.Itgavemeanewleaseonlife.Theygavemeaplace to live in theAmericanzone inMarburg,Germany. I

stayedinabeautifulapartmentinthecity–theaddresswasGieselbergerStrasse17.IhavesuchfondmemoriesoftheplacethatIstillremembertheaddress.Itwasonanicestreetandhadabalcony.Thearmyalsoprovidedfood,andarmyfoodmeantplentyoffood.Eatingthreetimesaday–oh,mygosh!Itwaslikeheaven.TheysawmeandhowskinnyIwas,andtheytookpityonmeandweretoogenerous.IfIsatatabigtablewithmanysoldiers, theyallwantedtogivemetheirextrafood.Ihadn’teatenmuchforaverylongtime,andIhatedtoseeanyfoodthrownout,soIatemyfilluntilIcouldn’teatanymore.Ievenhadacardfor thearmycanteen, thePX,whereIcouldgetchocolateandwhateverIwanted.Whatevertheygot,Igot.Iwasassignedtoworkwithayounglieutenant.WehadaJeeptouse,andhe

alwayswanted todo thedriving. Iworeplainclothes,nomilitaryuniform,butwasgivenagun.Ihadneverusedagun,butI receivedsomequicktraining.Iwatched the soldiers handle their guns, and I picked up what to do. I coulddismantleagunwiththebestofthem.I’masmartguy,andIcouldlearntodoanything.Oneof the thingsIdidwashelp theAmericans identifyNazis.TheycaughtsuspectedGermansintheareaandmadeajailrighttherebeforesendingthemofftoaPOWcamp.Themilitarywereverycapableandwereabletobuildwhat they needed overnight. I spoke to the prisoners to help determine who

shouldbe arrested.They couldn’t take everyone, but theywanted to catch theworstperpetrators.HowdidIfigureoutwhowasaNazi?Iknewthatthosewhowerepartofthe

SS special forces, many of whom were the guards in the death camps, hadspecialtattoos.Theyhadalightningbolttattooundertheirarm.SothereIwasgivingcommandstotheGermanprisonerstoundress,justastheNazishaddonetome.IdidthisbecauseIknewwhatIwaslookingfor.IrememberIsteppeduptoaprisonerandsaidwithcourage,“Whatisthis?”I

sawthetattooandIknewwhatitmeant,butIwantedtoseewhathewouldtellme.Hesaid,“It’snothing.”Iaskedhimwhythenextguydidn’thaveone,andhedidn’tknowwhattoanswer.Theseguyshadbeenspeciallychosenandwerethe most powerful SS. So we looked for that tattoo, questioned them, anddeterminedwhowouldbesentontoNurembergfortheNaziwarcrimestrials.Godworks inmysteriousways;hehad turned the tables. Itwassatisfying to

know that just yesterday one of these Nazis was shouting commands at me,questioningme,andtodayitwasmyturntodothesametohim.Inthosemonthsrightafterthewar,itwasabitliketheWildWest.YoucouldkillaGermanandnoonewouldsayanything.Butthat’ssomethingIcouldn’tdo–Ineverreallyhurtanyoneordidanythingmorethanwhatwasrequiredbymyjob.ByworkingwiththeAmericans,Icouldbringsomejusticetothosewhohad

wrongedme.OnedayIwasoutsidetheCIDbuilding,andamanrodebyonabicycle. I lookedathim,gasped,andsaid,“DubistHerrVogt!” (YouareMr.Vogt!) The man replied, “Nein, nein…” (No, no, not me) and tried to rideaway. I knocked him off the bike, grabbed him by his neck, and called forreinforcements.Soldierscameandarrestedhim.HewasthebrutalGestapomanwhohadbeeninchargeofthePlonskghetto.TheonethatIwishedIcouldseepunished.Butthatwasn’ttheendofthestory.AweeklaterIwasinexactlythesameplace,andloandbehold,thesamething

happened.Vogtcameridingbyagainonhisbicycle.OnceagainIgrabbedhimand found that Vogt had managed to get some papers that cleared him asinnocent.IinvestigatedanddiscoveredthathehadbribedtwoAmericansoldierstogetclearancepapers.Theywerearrested,court-martialed,andsenttoprison.Igathered thirtyother survivors to identifyVogtas aNazi and testifyabouthiscrueltyandcrimes.Whentheywenttoarresthimagain,theyfoundmoundsofstolengoodsinhisapartment:jewelry,gold,andmoneythathehadstolenfromJews.Thiswasalltheevidencetheyneeded.IheardhewassenttoNurembergandhanged.

ManycomplaintscameintotheAmericansthathadtobeinvestigated.Therewasawomanwhocameinfromanearbyvillage.ShereportedtousabouttheBurgermeister,who is like themayor.Hehad taken advantageof his positionduringthewarandcommittedcrimesagainstthewholetown.Thereweremanysmalltownsandvillageswherethingslikethishappened.Hermayorhadstolentherationbooksofthepeopleandhadthemalldeliveredtohim–hundredsofthem.Peoplewerehungry,andthesefoodcouponswereworthalotofmoneyonthe black market. They were better than gold. A diamond or gold watch nolongerhadvalueifyouhadnothingtoeat,soyougaveawaywhateveryouhadjusttoprocurefood.Duringthewar,inexchangefortherationbooks,themayorboughteighty-sevenoxen.Thesmallfarmsintheareamighthavefourapiece,andhehadeighty-seven!Thenheneededmorefieldsfortheoxentograze,soheseizedpeople’slandtokeepthemon.Becausehedidn’tgivepeopletheirrationbooks,peopledidn’thaveenoughfoodanddied.Becauseofhisgreed,hewasamurderer!Westarted to take thewomanwithus to thevillage,butaboutahalf amile

beforewegotthere,westoppedtheJeepandletherwalkaway.Shewasafraidthattheywouldpunishherforreportingonthem;peoplehadbeenkilledforless.Wegottothevillageandfoundthismayor.Hewasabigfatguy—hemusthaveweighedabout400pounds.Wesawevidenceofwhat thewomanhad toldus,andwetriedtoquestionhim.Hewasnotcooperative,andwehadahardtimewithhim.Mylieutenantsaidtome,“Henrich,justshoothim!He’saNazi.Heparticipated in all this, hewas part of themachine that killed your father andmother.”That’s when I said, “I can’t do it. I can’t kill. I have to follow the

commandment ‘Thou shalt not kill.’ I’m a rabbi.”Annoyedwithmy responseand thewhole situation,my partner grabbed his gun and pumped four bulletsintotheBurgermeister,leavinghimdeadonthefloor.Aswedrovebacktoheadquarters,mypartnerdidn’ttalktome.Hewasangry

withmeforrefusingtoshootthemayor.Ifoundoutlaterthatsincehewasmysuperior,Iwasintroublefordisobeyinganorder.Whenwearrived,wewenttothecaptainformylieutenanttocomplain.Iexplainedmysituation.IhadtotellhimthatIwasarabbi,eventhoughIhadn’ttoldthembefore.EventhoughIwasnotreligiousatthetime,IcouldnotbreaktheoathIhadtakentofollowGod’scommandments.Hesaidheunderstood,becauseheknewwhat theBiblesays.Hewenttoconferwithotherofficers,thencamebacktotheroomandsaid,“It’sokay.Youhave the right to refuse if you are apriest or a rabbi.Clergydon’t

have to go against their principles and oaths.” He shook hands with me andreleasedme to continuemywork. He understood that I could do a good jobdespitethelimitationofrefusingtokill.Anothertimetheycalledmein,andthecaptainsaid,“Heinrich,lastnightthey

killed anAmerican soldier. They left him in front of our building around thecornerfromtheheadquarters.”Therehewas,deadonthesidewalk,dismantledand bloody. He was a young guy, maybe nineteen years old. There was nowallet,no ID.“Canyouhelpus findanyclueas towhodid this?” theyaskedme.I said Iwould try.Even thoughIwasprettynew to thiskindofwork, Ihad

ideas.Iwentwithmypartner,andhestartedtodriveoffwhenIstoppedhim.Isaid, “Wait,where arewegoing?The soldierwaskilledhere.Sowhyarewegoingaway?Let’sgoforawalk.”Iconvincedhimthatweneededtofindalocalbar,aplacewecouldtalktopeopleandpickupsomeinformation.Itoldhimweshould sit separately. That way we would call less attention to ourselves,especially because hisGermanwas not so fluent and peoplewould recognizehimasanAmerican.Wewalkedquiteabit,andwecametoaplacewherewesawabar.Weopenedthedoorandmusicwasblaring.We walked in and, as is the custom in Germany, I went and talked to the

bartender.Igotfriendlyandfoundoutalittlebitofinformationabouttheplace.I saw two guys, drunk, sitting at a table and getting drunker. I watched andlistenedforawhile,andIhadafeelingthattheymightbethekillers.IknewthatifIwantedtoshowthatIwasafriendandalsotobuysomeprotection,thethingtodowastosendsomeoneadrink.SoIsaidtothebartender,“Taketwobeersandsendthemovertothosetwoguysatthattable.”Theyaskedwhosentit,andhepointedtome.Theycameoverwithbreathstinkingofwhiskeyandbeerandslappedmeontheback,saying,“Brother!Brother!”They invited me to sit with them, and we started talking. These guys were

youngpunks,maybe23-24yearsold.Ihadtothinkofawaytotrickthem,soIpretendedIwasveryupset,sayingoverandoverthatIneededhelp.“Whatdoyoumean?Whatkindofhelpdoyouneed?”Isaid,“IkilledanAmericanlastnight.”Theylaughedandshoutedandstarted

cursingtheAmericans.Thentheyboasted,“Wekilledonelastnighttoo!”Then,oneoftheguysputhishandinhispocketandtookoutachainwithadogtagand a wallet to prove it tome. Thesewere the killers – and they had all theevidence!Ihadtothinkofawaytobringthemin.I told them, “Youknow, I’ve got a friend here further down in another bar,

let’sgooverthere.”Theysaid,“Ya,ya,sure,we’llgowithyou.”Isignaledmypartner,whowassittinginthebackofthebar.Imotionedhimto

come close, and we walked out together, all four of us. As soon as we gotoutside thedoor,wecaught thembysurprise. Igrabbedoneandthe lieutenantgrabbedtheother,andwetiedthemup,threwthemintheJeep,anddrovebacktoheadquarters.Whenwegotthere,thecaptainasked,“Whathappened?Youjustleft.”“Captain,willyoupleasecomedownstairs?”Asweapproachedthe twomen,I reachedmyhandintomypocketand took

out thechain, thewallet, andwhateverelse theyhadandhanded it allover tohim.“Oh,myGod–yougotthem!”Ibecameknownforbringingthoseguysin.Thecaptainlovedmeafterthat.

HenryRamek,1946,Germany

ChapterThirteenFindingAnna

Onmydaysoff,Isearchedformygirlfriend,Anna.WehadbeenseparatedandsentindifferentdirectionswhenwewereevacuatedfromAuschwitz.IwenttotheAmericans,toldthemthesituation,andaskedpermissiontotryandfindmygirlfriend.Theydidwhatevertheycouldtoassistme:theygavemeamotorcycletouse,freegas,andthepaperworkIneededtobeabletopassthroughdifferentzonestotravelalloverGermany.Oftenthemenandwomenweresentingroupstodifferentplaces,andIknewshewouldtrytostaywithhersisters.Still,therewasalotofchaosintheaftermathofthewar,anditwashardtoknowwhathadhappenedtoher.WheneverIcould,IwouldmakesmalltripstodifferentplacesinGermany,lookingforherandtryingtofindoutwhereshemighthavegone.IdrovemilesandmilesalloverGermany,andwhereverIwent,Italkedwith

otherrefugees. Iwouldfinddifferentgroupsofgirlsandask them,“HaveyoubeeninAuschwitz?DoyouknowAnnaGutner?” Toexplainfurther, Iwouldtell them that shewaswithher sisters (itwasveryuncommon for fourpeoplefromthesamefamilytosurvivetogether).Italkedtoalotofpeople,andIdidn’tgiveupuntilfinallyIheardthatshewasalive.Thatwasthefirststep.WhenIfound out that Anna had survived, I knew that nothing would stop me fromfindingher.Thenextstepwastofindoutwhereshehadbeensent.NotfarfromMarburg,thereweremanyAuschwitzsurvivorsattheSalzheim

DisplacedPersons(DP)Campthathadbeensetup.AtlastIfoundagirltherewhoknewAnnaandtoldmethatshehadseenherinMunich,andthatshewassomewhere in Bavaria. She promised to helpme get more information. Soonafter,IfoundoutwhereAnnawasliving,andIwasnowsureIwouldfindher.IhadtoprepareforalongertripdowntoBavaria.Inthemeantime,someonecameandtoldusthattheyhadaneighborwhowas

a big Nazi, and he was receiving packages every day. The neighbors werecurious aboutwhat all those boxeswere. Theman had an attic, and someonethoughttheboxesmustcontainpartsforacaroramotorcycle.Thiswasthekind

ofsituationmydepartmentwouldinvestigate.Sowewentovertheretoinspect,suspecting that he was dealing in stolen goods. Sure enough, he had all thepartsforabrand-newmotorcycle,witheverythingdowntothescrews.Sincehehadstolen it, thearmyhad the right to seize it.So itwasconfiscated,andmyarmyfriendsdecidedtogiveittome.Ibroughtthepartstoamechanicatalocalservicestationandaskedhimtoput

ittogether.Icouldgivehimsomethingforhiswork—notmuch,butwhateverIhad.Heagreedandtoldmehewouldget it readyandseta timewhenIcouldcomeandpickitup.WhenIwenttotakeit,hestartedituptoshowmethatitranandtoldmetotakeitforaride.IwassuspiciousofmanyoftheGermansImet,andIhadabadfeeling.My intuition toldme somethingwaswrong. Iwas afraid that itwas not put

togetherproperlyandifIdroveit,Iwouldgetkilled.Itoldhim,“No,Iwantyouto take the ride.” But he didn’t want to and so I knew something was reallywrong.Hehadlooseneduptheparts,andifI’dgonetenfeet,itwould’vethrownmeintotheair.Ieventuallygotitfixed,andthatmotorcycleservedmewell.Buttherewasalwayssomethingtoworkon,andIhadahardtimegettingtogetherwhatIneeded.Iusedtosay,“…alittlebithere,alittlebitthere.”(…Abisel,achisel…)ButIalwaysmanaged.IknewIneededamotorcyclewithabackseatsothatwhenIfoundAnna,Icouldbringherbackwithme.

HenryRamek1948Germany

ItraveleddowntoBavaria,whereI’dbeentoldAnnawasliving,andIcametothe building and knocked on the door.One of the girls came to the door andstartedcryingout inahigh-pitchedvoice,“Henry ishere!Henry ishere!He’salive!He’s alive!”All the girlswho hadworked in the laundry atAuschwitz

were living together, including Anna and her sisters. They all screamed withexcitement toseeme.Theyhadn’tknownforsure if Ihadsurvived.Everyonewantedapartofme.Everyonewantedtotouchme.Thegirlswereallthrilledtoseeme,becauseIhadhelpedthemsomuchinAuschwitz.Iwasaherotothem,andtheywantedtogivemeahero’swelcome.Theyput

me on a big board the size of a door, carriedme, and cheered and sang anddancedinthestreet.Thegirlsstoppedtrafficandwalkedwithmeinthestreet,singing“HavaNagila”andanothersongtheymadeupaboutbeingreunited.TheGermans looked on and said, “What is going on here?” But they didn’t doanything,becausetheywereafraidwewouldtakevengeance.NeverinmylifehadIwitnessedsomethingcrazier.Anna had asked around afterme and hadmet someonewho told her I was

alive,butthatIwasblindbecauseI’dhadthatproblemwithmyeye.Shewasn’tsure what to believe. When she saw me, she said, “You look so good!” Ofcourse,bythattimeIwashealthierandhadeatenwellwiththeAmericans.TheAmericanshadalsohelpedher.Theyseizeda largehouse from theNazisandhadAnna’sgroupmovein.Theywerealotofpeople.Somesleptonthefloor,but theydidn’t care.Anythingwasbetter thanAuschwitz, and theywanted tostick together. You tookwhatever you could get. They didn’t havework, butthey were provided with what they needed. They were also getting plenty ofgood food. Those girls didn’t want to separate; they survived Auschwitztogether,theygotliberatedtogether,andtheywerestilltogether.I didn’t knowwhat their planswere, but I knew that Iwanted to takeAnna

withme.Ihadwaitedlongenough.Bythattime,Ihadbeenlookingforherforalmostayear.Itwasawonderfulreunionandmadeallthetroubleworthwhile.IwantedtoshowAnnamymotorcycleandtookheroutforaride.Imustadmit,withalltheexcitement,Iwasdrivingtoofast.Wecrashedsomewherecloseby,both of us going over the handlebars. Luckilywe landed in some bushes andwerenotbadlyhurt.Icouldn’tstaylong,becauseIhadtogetbacktowork.Theydependedonme,

andIwashappytobeabletodoagoodjob.ItoldAnnaallaboutmyworkandabouthowtheAmericanshadhelpedme.ItoldherthatIcarriedagun,andthatfrightenedher.ButIassuredherIwasnotgoingtouseit,butthattheygaveittomeandIhadtotakeit.Wetalkedabouthowimportantitwastofeelrespectedas a human being again after beingmade to feel that wewere worthless anddeservednothinginAuschwitz.Therewasfinallyafutureforus.Welovedeachotherandweknewwewouldgetmarried,butwedidn’twanttogetmarriedon

GermansoilbecauseofalltheGermanshaddone.Itwasnotsoimportanttous–awordwasworthmorethanapaperormoney.WedecidedtowaituntilwewenttoAmericatogetmarried.I explained that I had alreadybeen able to arrange the paperwork for her to

travelbacktoMarburgwithme.Iknewshewouldtrustmeandwant tocomewithme.Ofcourse,shewantedtotalktohersistersaboutleaving—shekindofwantedtheirpermission.Itoldthemnottoworry,thatshe’dbeingoodhands.Hersistersdidn’twanttoletgoofAnna,butIthinktheyunderstood.AssoonasIcould,Itookherawayfromthere.Iputheronthebackseatofmymotorcycleandwewentroaringoff.WehadfoundeachotherinAuschwitz,andnowIhadfoundheragain.Anna

wasaspecialperson–exceptionallygood-lookingandveryintelligent.Shewasyoungerthanme,onlyinherteenswhenImetherintheghetto.Shecamefromaverydifferentbackground.Ihadbeendirtpoor,andshewasfromawealthy,high-class family. They had lived in a mansion where she was born inHalberstadt,Germany before thewar. They had peopleworking for them andownedproperty, includingacarandhorses.They livedacultured life.Anna’sfatherwasadoctor,andthegirlsreceivedagoodeducation.Afterthewarbrokeout, theywent to Poland and their lives changed forever.Anna’s parents, likemine,werealsokilledinAuschwitz.Anna’s sharp intellect served her well. She was quiet and a good listener.

Whenitwasherturninaconversation,youcouldseethatsheunderstood.WhenImet her, she was already well-educated, and she remembered what she hadlearned in school. She spoke several languages, and importantly, she spokeEnglish without an accent. When she came back with me to Marburg, shewantedtostudy,andsoshewenttotheuniversitythereforfouryearsandgotadegreeinEnglish.ShealsogotanadvanceddegreeinpoliticalsciencefromtheUniversity ofMunich. She had no trouble getting accepted and studyingwhatshewanted.Theytreatedherverywell,andherstudieswerefree.Ididn’thavetheeducationshedid,butIhadalotofcommonsense.IftherewassomethingIdidn’tknow,sheknewit,andwemadeagoodteam.WelivedagoodlifeinMarburginthatbeautifullittleapartment.IfeltIwas

doingimportantwork,andIhadfoundmyAnna.Ilovedhavingthefreedomtogetaroundonmyown.Themotorcyclewasgoodformeforawhile,butthenIgotacar.Itwasanoldcar,anAdler.AndlaterIwasabletogetanothercarthatwasputtogetherfromrecoveredstolenparts.ItwasaMercedes.Hitler’skindofMercedes:2liter,fourdoors.Ialsohadapetdogatthattime.Someonegaveme

agift of a puppy– abeautiful silverGerman shepherd.HisnamewasMax. Itrainedhimwell,andhewasagreatdog.IlovedMaxandwasverysadwhenIhadtoleavehimbehind.Thosefiveyearswerethehappiesttimeofmylife.Itwaslikeastoryoutofa

book. I felt like a new person; I felt the euphoria of having survived and thesatisfactionofbeingabletoworktobringjustice.IfsomeoneasksmehowoldIam,ItellhimorherthatIwasbornin1945.I

wasreborn.UntilthenIdidn’tlive.WhatIhadbeforethatwasnotalife–onlytrouble,trouble,trouble.Although there were plenty of opportunities, I didn’t want to get my hands

dirtyorbeapartofsomeofthethingsthatpeopleweredoingtogetbackattheGermans.AndifIcould,Ipreventedothersfromtakingblindrevenge.OnetimeIthoughtIwouldtakeabulletfromanAuschwitzsurvivor.Hehadamachinegun inhishandsandwas shootingandoutof control. I said, “Stop it, stop it!Don’t do this!” Even though others didn’t know I was a rabbi, and I wasn’tobservant,IknewwhoIwas,andIfeltIhadtodosomething.Isaid,“Whyareyoukillinginnocentpeople?Don’tkillthisman–takehimtocourt.Yes,he’saGerman, but he could also be a goodGerman.You didn’t give him life; youdon’thavearighttotakehislife.”I stoppedhim,and I stoppedmanyothers.But Icouldn’tblame them– they

wereyoungguysaroundmyage.Theywerefullofhateandfulloftears.Peoplelike me, who had lost everything and were reduced to nothing. How could Iblameapersonlikethat?IagreedthatIcouldneverforgive,neverbefriends.Ididn’twantanyapologies.ButIcouldtalktopeoplewhohadwrongedmeandtrytobringthemtojustice.After thewar, Ineverwanted to set foot inPolandagain.Whilewe lived in

Germany, I never went back to my hometown of Mlawa. I knew what hadhappenedtoallmyfamilyandknewtherewasnooneleft.Therewasnoonetolookfor.NowIhadanewfamily.Anna’ssisterscameuptoSalzheim,theDPcampthatwasclosetoMarburg.Thatwaytheywereclosetous,andManya,theoldestsister,couldkeepaneyeoneverything.AllofthesistersmetboyfriendsandstartedmakingplanstogotoAmerica.TheyendedupleavingbeforeusandsettledintheChicagoarea.

HenryRamek1947Germany

Justastheypromised,theAmericansarrangedforallthepaperworkweneededtobeabletoimmigrate.IdelayedourdepartureseveraltimesbecauseIwantedtoworkaslongasIcould.IfeltsousefulworkingfortheAmericangovernmentandjustwantedtodosomegood.Afterall,theyhadsavedmylifeandmademeamanagain,andIwassothankfultothecaptainandtotheothersthatIwantedtogivebackasmuchasIcould.Theygavemeanewlife;theybroughtmeupfrommiserytohappiness.Itwasasiftheyhadbroughtairbackintomylungs.Ifelt the best way to showmy respect and gratitude was to work. And it wasdifficult to leavebecauseof thegood relationships I had there. Iwas so closewith the captain that he said Iwas like his son.He encouragedme to go andmakeagoodlifeformyselfinAmerica.Heassuredme,“It’sokay,youdidyourpart andwewill always remember you.We’ll always rememberwhat kind ofperson you are.” There came a time when they were shutting down theoperationsand theywantedus togo. Idelayeduntil theysaidIhad tousemyvisa or I would lose it. Of course I said I’d go – I didn’t want to stay inGermany.Arrangements were made for us to finally leave Marburg and come to

America.We left in January, 1951.The shipwe traveledonwas anold troopship, theUSSGeneralMcRae. Itwas a terrible journey. Itwas themiddle ofwinter,andtheseaswereroughandthefoodwashorrible.IhadgottenusedtogoodfoodduringmytimewiththeAmericans,andnowtheygaveusfoodfitforpigs.Theygaveusfakeeggsthatwerefrozeninthemiddleandsmelledreallyfoul. I didn’t feel well, even had a fever, and I thought I would vomit everynight.Therewerealotofproblemsontheship,andeveryonecametoAnnafor

help.Shewas theonlyonewhospokeEnglish,soshebecamethego-betweenfor the American crew and the other refugees. If something happened—forexample, somethingwas stolen—they all calledAnna. “Anna, come help us.”“Let Anna settle it.” There were misunderstandings, and she helped a lot ofpeople.Onlyproblemwas,shecouldn’tsleep–thiswentondayandnight.WhenwearrivedinthewatersoutsideNewYork,thewarningsirenswokeus

upat2o’clockinthemorning.Theshipwasinsuchdisrepairanditwassocoldthat frosthadcaused theship tocrack.TheysentoutanSOS,andmanyshipsfromtheareacametorescueus.Therewewere,1800refugeesinthecoldofawinternightat sea,gettingon life-jacketsandbeing transferred toother ships.Tolightentheload,thecrewbeganthrowingluggageintothewater.Luckily,wehad a huge trunk thatwas so heavy they couldn’t heave it overboard, andwewere able to get it back afterwards. Itwas fortunate thatwewere so close toshoreandtheycouldbringusintotheNewYorkHarbor.We finally arrived in New York and were safe on American soil. We

immediately took a train to Chicago to visitManya andAnna’s other sisters,whowerealreadysettledthere.Westayedthereforaweek.AndthenwetookthetraintoOakland,wheretheJewishFederationhadmadearrangementsforus.

ChapterFourteenLifeinAmerica

Plans had beenmade for us to come to Oakland, so that’s what we did.Wedidn’tknowanyonethereorknowanythingabouttheplace.Somepeoplefromone of the Jewish organizations—I think it was the Federation—met us andshowedustoalittleapartment.Ididn’tloveit,butbeggarscan’tbechoosers.Itwasaplacetostart.Whenwe first came, the sweetest thingwasgoing to themarket.Therewas

suchvariety–IhadneverseensuchathinginPoland.IcouldbuyorangesandfruitIhadnevertastedbefore.Icouldbuyawholechicken.Isaid,“Whatdoyoudowithawholechicken?”TherewassomuchfoodandsomuchvarietythatIcutmyhands from the ropesof theshoppingbags, Iwanted tocarrysomuchfoodhome.Icouldneverfillmyselfupandbesatisfied.Once,Itriedthesweetjuicefromacanoffruit–thatsweetsyrup.Oh,ittasted

sogoodtome!IdrankabigglassandIcouldn’tstop.Idrankanotherone,andIstillcouldn’tgetenough.Ihadneverhadanythinglikeit,anditwassogoodandsweet.IdranksomuchthatIgotsick.IgotsosickthatI thoughtIwasdyingandneeded togo to thehospital.ButAnna tookcareofmeandpouredwaterintometotrytoflushitout.Itwastoomuchsugar;Iwasn’tusedtoit.TodayIprobablywouldhavegonetothehospitalandhadmystomachpumped.I never really thought about the difficulties of adapting to a new country,

because after what I had been through, coming to the United States was likeheaven.Onlythelanguagewasdifficultforme.WhenIwentoutwithAnna,Iused to feel embarrassed. She would carry on conversations and take care ofeverything,andIwouldstandtherefeelingstupid.Ididn’tgotoEnglishclasses.Ididn’thave timefor that,but I learnedonmyownandAnna taughtme.Shewouldteachmewords,andeventuallyIpickeditup.IlearnedwhatIneededforbusiness, and I improved over time. Even today I don’t speak an intelligentEnglish,butIcangetby.AndIknowfourotherlanguagesaswell.Whenyoudon’tspeakthelanguage,youcan’tparticipateinsociety,andthat

putsyouatadisadvantage.Peopledon’talwaysunderstand that,but Iknowitfrommy own experience. I got taken advantage of, but I learned quickly andbecameverycareful.Iusedmyintuitionandcould“smell”whatwasgoingon.Youfoolmeonce,nottwice.Whenwe first came to this country,wewere not religious and did not live

whatIwouldconsidertodaytobeaJewishlife.IhadlostmyfaithatAuschwitz,andAnnahadneverbeenreligious.WelivedlikeChristiansduringourtimeinGermany,andIhadn’ttoldAnnathatIwasarabbi.Ihadanewlifenow,andthat was inmy past. I thought she wouldn’t be pleased about it, because shedidn’tcaretoomuchforrabbisorreligion.Ithoughtifsheknew,itwouldmakeheruncomfortable,andIdidn’twanttocauseheranyanxiety.Ilovedherverymuch and felt like we had been through so much together.We had survivedAuschwitztogether–whatmoredidweneed?I even had to convince Anna to have a Jewish wedding. She was a

philosophicalpersonandquestionedwhether itwasnecessary togo toarabbi.Shesaid,“Whatgoodisarabbi’ssignaturewhentwopeopleloveeachother?”Shesawitasjustaformality.SowehadaverysimpleweddingatBethJacobinOakland.Wehadveryfewpeople inattendance,maybeaminyan,becausewedidn’t knowanybody there.Anna’s sisters came fromChicago, and theywerehappy to see their youngest sister getmarried.Underneath it all, I didn’t feelgoodaboutAnnanotknowingwho I reallywas, that Iwasa rabbi.AndeventhoughIwasn’tapracticingJewat thetime,Ididn’tfeelquiterightnotdoingthingsasprescribedbyJewishlaw.We didn’t go to the synagogue, but we did get some help from the Jewish

community. Inaddition to theapartment, theyweresupposed tohelpmegetajob.IwassenttoaguynamedPenny.Hewasknowninthecommunitybecausehewasabigcontractor.Heboughtupapartmentscheaply,remodeledthem,andmadealotofmoneyoffit.Hegavemeajobscrapingthepaintfromwindows.They ropedmeuphighandgavemea razor, and Ihad to scrape thedripsofpaintoff thewindows.Scraping thewholedayforsixtycentsanhour.At thattimeitwashardtogeta job,evenforAmericans.Iwasyoungandstrongandtheyhiredme,but insteadofsixtycentsanhour theyonlypaidme40cents.Iwent to thebossandtoldhimthat they’dsaidIwouldgetsixtycentsanhour,andhethrewmeoutofhisoffice.Hehadtopaythepaintersunionwages,buthetookadvantageofusimmigrants.EveryoneImetlikedmeandwantedtohelpme.Amanfromthesynagogue

said he would help me get a job and took me to the union office in San

Francisco.TheretheyaskedmewhatworkIdid,whetherIhadaprofession,andwhat other things I might know how to do. I had never really learned aprofession, and I didn’t knowwhat to tell them. I couldn’t tell them I was arabbi,soIsaidthatIwasabutcher.ItwastheonlythingIknewalittlebitabout.MyfatherhadbeenabutcherandIused tohelphim,but Ididn’t reallyknowmuch.AfterthattheytookmetoSanFranciscotoseeMr.Langer,andhesaidhewouldgivemea jobmakingsausage.Themanwhobroughtmesaid,“Sayyesandtakeit!Thiswillbegoodforyou.”Ididn’tknowanythingaboutmakingsausage,butIshowedupatthefactory

thatfirstdayat7o’clockinthemorning.Therewereabout30-40peoplesittingon benches, each with an apron and doing various tasks. A machine wasthrowing out sausages. In the other room was the smokehouse where theysmoked the meat. So I looked carefully at what each person was doing andfollowedexactlywhattheydid.IwatchedandIaskedquestionsandwhateverIsaw,Icopiedit,learnedit,anddidit.Monkeysee,monkeydo.Bytheendoftheday,Iwasthebestworker!EventuallyI learnedseveral jobs;I learnedhowtosmokethemeat,andIbecamethetopsausagemaker.ThesausagefactorywasinSanFrancisco,andIhadtogettherefromOakland

everydaybyseveninthemorning.SoIboughtanoldcar,anoldFord.Oy,didIhave problems with that car – someone had sold me a lemon. Early everymorning Iwould go down to leave forwork, and the car didn’twant to start.That old car gave me so much trouble that it made it difficult to get to SanFranciscoeveryday.ButIgottomyjobeachmorningandworkedhard.Afteraboutayear,IbecamesuchagoodsausagemakerthataguywhowasvisitingsawmeandsaidthatIwasthebestworkerhehadeverseen.Hetookoutacardandputitinmypocket.WhenIcamehomethatevening,IgaveittoAnna.“Whatdoesthisnotesay?”“GeorgeGonzalez–hewantsyoutoseehim.”SoIcalledhimupandmadeanappointmenttogoseehim.Hewantedmeto

comeworkforhimasastuffer.Astufferisaspecialjobinmakingsausage.Youhave to put themeat in the casing, and you have to do it very quickly – thefaster, the better. I was skilled and very fast in stuffing.He offeredmemoremoneytocomeworkathisfactoryinOakland.OfcourseItooktheoffer–hepaidmewell,anditwasclosetohome.Hewas

averyniceman,andhehelpedmegetanewcar.HeloanedmethemoneysoIcould buy a brand new Chevy. I said, “Thank God, what a good spirit, youhelpedmylife!”EverymorningIfeltlikeakingbecausemycarstarteduplikea

dream.NowIcouldsay,“Goodmorning!”eachday.Isaid,“Nomoreoldcarsforme!”NeveragaindidIbuyanoldcar.

HenryRamek1947Germany

Iworkedforabout8-10yearsatthePortofOaklandSausageFactory.Itwasafamilycompany,but thebrothersdidn’tgetalong,andGeorgeran it.Helikedmeandtrustedmeandtaughtmeallaspectsofthebusiness.AtfirstIwaslikeanapprentice,andthenbecameajourneyman,anexpert.Istartedwithstuffing,and then I also defrosted themeat, smoked it, andmade the spices. Iwas thespiceman:Igavethesausageitsflavor.Thatwasveryimportant.Igotmoreandmore responsibilitiesandcoulddoeverything. Imovedup in thebusinessandbecamelikeaforeman,gettinggoodraises.Itwasaunionshop,butIalwaysgotmoremoneythanscale.Theunionallowedgivingmore,notless.Ifsomeonedidagood job, thenhecouldberewardedwithmorepay,and that’swhatGeorgedidwithme.Hewasgenerousandfair.Hegavemefreesausagetotakehome.Itwasnotkosher,butatthattimeweateitandlikedit.IworkedforGeorgeuntilIstartedmyownbusiness.Hebeggedmenot togo.Hereally reliedonmeandwantedmetostay.Butotheropportunitieswerewaitingforme.Innotime,Ihadsavedenoughmoneytobuyalittlehouse.Iboughtahouse

on73rdAvenueinOakland.ItwasdownnearwheretheChevroletplantusedtobe.WeonlystayedthereacoupleofyearsbeforeIsolditandmadeaprofit.Isavedmymoney,andwewereabletobuyanicerhouse.Theneveryfewyearswewouldmoveup.Iwouldmakesomemoney,waitforthepricetogoup,sellit, and buy another one. This was the American way! I was becoming a realAmerican!IsaidIhadtomakethemoneyworkforme,andthevaluekeptgoingup.IboughtthreeorfourhousesuntilIboughtanicehomeonDetroitAvenueandstayedthereforoverfifty-fiveyears.

Annaalsoworked.Inthebeginning,shehadagoodjobwiththearmydoingbookkeeping for the soldiers. She shouldn’t have gotten that job, because shewasnotyetanAmericancitizen,whichwasarequirement.ButshespokesuchgoodEnglishwithoutanaccent,andthearmydidn’tknowwhentheyhiredher.Shewas so smart and suchagoodworker that theyall lovedher.So itwasawholebigstoryandtheyweregoingtohavetofireher,butintheend,theykeptheruntilshegotpregnant.Sheevenreceivedpaymentsafter thechildrenwereborn.

AnnaRamek1946Germany

Our boyswere born in 1953 – twins! I felt so blessed for a guywhowas arefugee to have such jewels. These two darling boys: Leowas named formyfather,andJosephwasnamedformygrandfather.Itwasfuntoraisethosetwochildren. They were such good kids; no trouble whatsoever, and always apleasure. Themost important guiding principlewas sholm bayit (peace in thehouse). I don’t thinkwe ever really argued.Wewere a very agreeable, happyfamily. I had grown up so differently, but I did learn basic values from myparentslikerespect.AndmystudiesofMishnahandreligiousteachingstaughtmewhatIneededtoknowaboutraisingchildren.Ididn’thavetobereligious;thoseteachingswereapartofwhoIwasandguidedme.AnnaandIdidwellparentingtogether.Onereasonwehadagoodlifewasour

agreementtosupporteachother.IfIsaidsomethingtothechildren,shedidn’tgoagainstit.Evenif itwaswrong,shewouldbackmeupwiththekids.Theylearned that ifMommysaysno,Daddysaysno,andviceversa.Theycouldn’tpitusagainsteachother.Ithinkwewerestrictbutfair.Forexample,theboyswenttobedat7o’clock

everynight.Theydidn’tmakeafuss;theywenttobedrightaway.Weletthem

havehot teaorhot chocolate,whatever they liked.Wewould saygoodnight,and theywouldgiveakiss toMomandakiss toDad.Then theysaid toeachother, “Goodnight,Leo.”“Goodnight, Joey.”And thatwas it–noproblems.Welovedthemverymuch,butweknewnottospoilthem.Iftheydidn’talwaysgetwhattheywanted,theycouldgointotheirroomandcry.Iusedtosay,“Afewtearswon’thurt.”Wemoved into thatnicehouse inOaklandwhen theywere sevenyearsold.

Wewantedthemtogotoagoodschool,sowemovedtwoblocksawayfromthebest school in Oakland at the time. I could see that the boys were both verysmart–reallyspecialkids.Ihadbeenagoodstudentintheyeshiva,butIsawthat they would surpass me. They were brilliant and very good students. Iwantedthemtohavethebesteducationpossible.Itwasalsoimportanttomethattheylearnedtobepolitewithpeople.Itaughtthemthatwhenwewentoutinthemorning, it was not enough to say “Goodmorning,” but that they should say“Goodmorning,Mr.Berg,”becausethatwasmorepersonableandrespectful.WegavethechildrenaJewisheducation.TheywenttoHebrewschoolandhad

acombinedbarmitzvah–thebiggestoneIhadeverseen.Wehad400peopleandahugespreadwithfortysmokedturkeys.MysonsalsospokealittlebitofYiddishathome.WhenAnnaandIspokeYiddishbetweenusinordertokeepasecret,theboyswantedtounderstand,andthat’showtheylearned–theypickeditupfromus.TheypickedupabitofPolishthatwaytoo.I worked hard, but I also made time for the family. I liked being with my

family,andItriedtobeagoodfather.Itookaninterestinwhattheyliked,andthey loved sports. They alwayswanted towatch football games on television.Theywouldcometomeandsay,“Daddy,Ineedtowatchthefootballgame.”ButsometimesIhadtosay,“No,”andtheyknewthatnomeantno.Iwouldn’tlet themif it interferedwithschool. Ialwaysmadesure that schoolworkcamefirst.Evenasteenagers,theywerewell-behaved.Theykeptupwithschoolandalso kept up with everything to do with football. Since I’m from Europe, Iwasn’tfamiliarwithfootball,onlysoccer,sotheyweretheonestoteachme.Itwasagoodlife.Wewere always so proud of our boys, and I still am today. Theywere top

studentsatSkylineHighSchoolinOakland,andtheybothwentontoStanfordUniversity.IwassohappywhentheygotacceptedtoStanford,butjustimaginehavingtwokidsataprivatecollegeatthesametime.Ican’tsayitwaseasy–Ihadtoworkhardtopaydoubletuition.ButofcourseIwantedthebestforthem.They both excelled in everything they did. They were Phi Beta Kappa, won

scholarships,andbecamesuccessfuldoctors.Leoisaninternist,andJosephhasthree specialties: hematology, oncology, and internalmedicine. They are suchsmartandinterestingpeople.Youcantalkwiththemaboutanythingyouwant.WhatmorecouldIhavehopedfor?

HenryRamek2001Cruiseship

ChapterFifteenBeingaPartofOaklandHistory

WhenIwasworkingatthesausagefactory,wedidn’tliveaveryJewishlife.Wedidn’tkeepkosher(weatethetrefesausage)andIbarelyrememberedwhentheholidayswere.ButonedayAnnacalledmeatwork.“Henry,tonightis‘YomTov’–it’sthebeginningofPassover,andweneedto

makeaSeder.”“Whatdoyouwantmetodo,Anna?”SheproceededtoaskmetostoponthewayhomeatMr.Brill’skosherbutcher

shopandbuyaturkey.Soonthewaybackfromwork,Iwentoverthere.Itwasabout3o’clock,andhewasalmostreadytoclose.Icameinandhesaid,“Whatcan I do for you?”Hewas practically sold out of everything, but he had oneturkeyleft.

EveGordon-Ramek2003Oakland,California

We started to talk, and he wanted to knowwho I was. He asked aboutmyfamily andmybackground, andhe realized that Iwas aHolocaust survivor. ItoldhimthatmyfatherhadbeenabutcherinPoland.Heaskedmetocomebackanotherday, thathewantedto talkmorewithme.WhenIcameagain,he toldmethathewasgoingtoretire.Hesaidtome,“I’meightyyearsoldandIwanttogivethebutchershoptoagoodguy.Iwantyoutothinkabouttakingoverthe

shop.”IthoughtaboutitandIlikedtheideaofhavingmyownbusiness,butitwasa

bigriskandIhadagood,well-paidjob.Ididn’tmakeupmymindrightaway,butwhenIcamebackthenextweek,I toldhimIdidn’twantit.Mostofall,Ididn’thavethemoneytobuyabusiness.He askedme to come backwithAnna, andwe sat and talkedwith him.He

likedusandsaidhewantedtodoamitzvah(gooddeed).Hesaidhewouldgiveusthebusinessforfree.Therewouldonlybethecostofrent.Hesaidhewouldgiveuseverything– therefrigeratorandappliances, thefurniture. Itwasall ingood condition. He just wanted to be sure it would continue to be a kosherbutchershop.Iputhimoffanddelayedmyanswer,becauseIcouldn’tmakeupmymind.Hewasoldandgaveupwaitingandhadtoclosetheshop.Buthestillownedthebuildingandwantedatenant.OnedayIfinallymadeupmymind.Isaid toAnna, “I’mgoing to take it.What couldhappen?Theywon’t sendmebacktoAuschwitz.Theworstthatcanhappenisthatwe’llgobankruptandI’llhavetogetanotherjob.Icandothat–I’mstillyoung!”SoItookovertheOaklandKosherButcherShop.Mr.BrillshowedmewhatI

neededtoknow,andIlearnedthebusinessovernight.Isaid,“Whateverhedoes,Icando.”It’snotlikegoingtocollegeortheyeshiva–it’slabor.Anyonecanlearnifyouputyourmindtoit.SoIpaidcloseattentionandworkedhard,andIlearned.IbecamethebestbutcherintheBayArea.That’smynature:Idon’tgoforsecondplace,Igoforfirst.WhenI firstopenedup theshop, itwasempty.Nobodycame;nobodyknew

wewereopenforbusiness.Iregrettedgivingupagoodjob.AnnaandIstartedtohaveheateddiscussions.Annasaid,“Whydidyouleaveagoodjob?Whydoyouwantabusiness?”I said, “Anna, it’s not the end of it. I’m not giving up. If I have learned

anythinginmylifeitistonever,never,nevergiveup.”Andsureenough,withhardwork,patience,andperseverance,Ibuiltupsuchagoodbusinessthatsoonpeoplewerestandinginline.AtfirstIdideverythingmyself,Ididn’thaveenoughincometohireanyone.I

wouldcomeat2o’clockin themorningto theshopinorder toprepareall themeatfortheday.Thatgavemesixhoursbeforeopeningandgettingbusywithcustomers. Luckily I was a strong guy.When the big blocks (whole sides ofbeef)weredelivered,Ihadtocarrysomethinglike250lbsandhoistituponahook.Therewasnoonetoholdthehookforme,whichmadeitverydifficulttodo.Itwasstrenuouswork.ThenIhadtotakeitdowntosawitupandcutitinto

parts.Ididallofthecutting.Todaytheybuyparts,butIcutitfromscratch.AndthenIdidall thesellingaswell. I tookorderson thephoneandstayed latesopeoplecouldcomeandpickuptheirorders.In thebeginningitwas justme,but lateronAnnacameinandhelpedin the

shop.Shewouldwrapupthemeatandlabelit.Wewroteitalldown:2steaks,6ounces;1poundofgroundbeefandsoon,andshewouldmakealist,additallup, and prepare the bill. It was a primitive butcher shop. We didn’t havecomputerizedscalesliketheonesthatexisttoday.Annadidallthebookkeepingaswell.We started on Seventh Street and then moved to Grand Avenue. I was

sponsored, and Igot anewplace for free.Howdid Ido that?Whathappenedwasthatthecitywantedtobuildajail.Thejailisstilltheretoday.Alawyertoldmenottogofreely,thattheyhadtogivemeanalternateplace.Heexplainedtomethatitwasthelaw;theyhadtoresettlemeandpayforit.Hehelpedmetalktothecityandworkoutagooddeal.TheygavemeabrandnewplaceoveronGrand Ave.We had been “Henry’s Kosher Butcher,” but when wemoved, Ichangedthenameandwebecame“OaklandKosherButcher.”IhadanewstoreandIhadagoodbusiness.Ibecamerich–IfeltlikeIbelongedinAmerica!Wehadthestoreforthirty-eightyears.Igottoknowmycustomers,andthey

lovedme and loved the shop. They came from all over and knew they couldcount on an immaculate shop and high-quality meat and poultry. One of mycustomers told me that she had never seen such clean chickens, without apinfeatheronthem.Ialsohadachancetohelppeople.Iwouldgivealittleextratothosewhowerestruggling.Icouldtellalotaboutpeoplewhentheycameinas customers. For example, there was a couple with two children who werethinkingaboutgettingadivorce.Theycametotheshoptogether,andIheardthewaytheytalkedtoeachother.SoItoldhim,“You’rebarking,youneedtotalknicelytoyourwife.Begentleandshowrespect.”Iconvincedthemthatdivorceshouldbea last resort forayoungcouple.And Iwasable tobring thembacktogether. I was so happy – I patched them up! Even today people rememberthosetimesandsaytheystillmissmeandmybutchershop.Iwasfinallygettingreadytoretirefromthebutchershopandwasplanningon

selling it. I found a buyer and agreed to stay for sixmonths to teach him thebusiness.Iwalkeddownthestreettotalktotheownerofthekosherbakeryandtellhimthenews.Itwastwodoorsdownfrommyshopatthattime.WhenIgotthere,hetoldmehewassellingthebakery.Hewasgoingtosell it toagoy(anon-Jew).Theyweregoing to close thebakeryandmakea sushibar.Hewas

ready,withacheckinhishand,andIsaid,“Whatareyoudoing?”Hetoldmehehadtosellandhehadabuyer.Iaskedhimhowmuchhewassellingitfor,andhetoldme.Itoldhimtostopthedeal–thatIwouldbuythebakeryandkeepitkosher. Iwanted it tostayaJewishbusiness,even thoughIhadn’tplannedonbuying it. So he told the agent, “You knowwhat, take the check back to thebuyer,andI’llcallyoutonight.”I camehome toAnna, andwe figuredouthowwecouldmanage tobuy the

business.Shewroteacheck.Butshecouldn’tbelieveitandsaid,“Whatareyougoingtodowithabakery?”Ididn’thaveagoodanswer,butIwentandclosedthedeal,camehome,andsaid,“Igotakosherbakery.”Ididn’tknowanythingaboutbaking,butpartoftheagreementwasthathewouldstaytorunthebakeryformeuntil I finishedmycommitmentat thebutchershop. Itdidn’t take longbeforeIfoundareligiousguytobuythebakeryandtakeover.Icouldhavesoldthebakeryformoremoney,butthebuyerswantedtomakeit

intoabarorarestaurant,andIwouldn’tagreetothat.Ididn’twanttoviolatethelaw,soIaskedalawyerifitwaslegaltoonlyselltosomeonewhowouldmaketraditionalJewishfood.HeassuredmethatIcouldsetmyterms,especiallyifIwassellingitforless.SoIsoldtheplacewiththeconditionthatitwouldremainakosherbakery,anditisstill theretoday,andwestillshopthere.Thebutchershop still exists but has moved over to Lakeshore. So that’s why Oakland isblessedwithakosherbakeryandakosherbutchershop–Ikeptthemalive.

HenryRamek1975ReceivingcommendationfromOakland,Ca.ChiefofPolice

At the same time, since Ihadbeenso successfulmakingmoneyonmyownhouses, I startedgetting into real estate. I bought tenunits for $98,000 inSanLeandro. The dollar had value then, and I thought property was the bestinvestment.IboughtupawholetownofapartmentsinSanLeandro.Theycalledmethe“KingofSanLeandro”becauseIownedsomanypropertiesoverthere.Iwantedtobethebiggestandwantedtobuyatleastathousandunits.That’swhatwas inmymind,butmywifeheldmeback.Shedidn’twantme todo it.She

said,“Henry,howmuchdoyouneed?”Shewasrightaboutonething–thatitwasalotofwork.Toomuchwork.Todaytheywouldhiresomeonetodowhatwedid,tomanagetheproperties.

But at that time itwasn’t the system, andwe had to do everything ourselves.Annadidthebookkeepingandallthepaperwork.Ifahundredcheckscamein,thenshehadtosendoutahundredreceipts.Iftherewasmaintenancetobedone—forexample,when therewasa leak inanapartment—Ihad togo tosee theproblem and fix it. It became toomuchwork, so I stopped buying.And thencamethetimewhenmywifegotsick.Atthatpoint,Idecidedtoselleverything;whatever I owned, I sold. Iwantedher to have a good life, and I thought shewouldbetroubledifIkepttheproperties.ButIsoldthingstoosoon.Itwasnotthebestbusinessdecision.Annawassointelligent–oneinamillionandsmartasagenius.I’msomeone

who thinks he can do anything, but she surpassed me in every way. Shecontinued to studyhere inCalifornia anddecided to go to law school just forkicks. She went and passed the bar exam the first time, no problem.Unbelievable. But she never practiced as a lawyer. Shewas verymodest andneverevenwantedto tellpeopleaboutherachievements.Shealsogotherrealestatelicense.Ofcourse,thatwasnothingcomparedtothebarexam,anditwasveryeasyforher.Shesaidshehadmoretroublegettingadriver’slicensethentherealestate license.Sheworkedforashort timeasanagentandsolda fewhouses,butshegotfedupbecausepeopletriedtocheather.Shewassogentle;itwasnot therightworkforher. I toldher toquit.By that time, Imadeenoughmoney,andshedidn’thavetoworkanymore.Sadly,Annawasstillquiteyoungwhenshebecamesickwithcancer.Shediedin1995.

ChapterSixteenReturningtoMyRootsIgaveupmyreligionafterallofmyfamilywasbrutallykilledfornoreasonintheworld.Ihadbeguntodoubtmyfaithalreadyintheghettoanddidn’twanttotellpeopleeventhenthatIwasarabbi.EventhoughIstillalwaysthoughtinreligiousterms,IfeltbetrayedbyGod.MymaincomplaintagainstHaShemwaswhyheletmelive.Whydidhe

takemyfamilyandnotme?Iquestioned,“AmItheworstfromallmyfamilythatyouchoosetotortureme?”IthoughtIwasbeingpunished.EventhoughIlostfaithinAuschwitz,neverthelessIprayedtoGodtotakemy

life,toletmedie.

However,turningawayfromHaShemandnotlivingaJewishlife—noteatingkosher,notputtingontefillin(phylacteries),notgoingregularlytosynagogue–thatdidn’tfeelrighttomeeither.Formostofherlife,Annafeltdifferentlythanme.Shefeltthatshehadbeenwitnesstohumanityfallingapartandthatreligionwasn’tthereforus.ShefiguredthatifGodcoulddosuchthings,thenshewouldbeafooltobelieveinhim.

HenryRamek2006Lawrence,NewYorkButIwashavingnightmares–horrible,torturingdreamswithpeopletalkingtome.OneShabbos(Sabbath)morningIgotupearlyandIputonasuitandtie.Iwasgoingtosneakout,butAnnawasalreadyinthekitchen.Wehadabigmirror,soyoucouldseewhat

washappeningintheotherroom.

She looked in themirrorandsawmealldressedupandshesaid,“Whatareyou doing?” I said, “Anna, I…I…” I stuttered. I didn’t knowhow to say it. IguessIwasworriedaboutherresponse.Isaid,“Anna,I’mgoingtosynagogue.”“What?Why?”Finally,ItoldherabouttheterribledreamsIhadbeenhaving,

thatIhadn’tbeenabletosleepwell,andthatitwasmakingmemiserable.ItoldherthatIfeltIneededtogotosynagogue.IwentintothesanctuaryatBethJacobinOakland,andeveryonegreetedme,

eventhoughtheywerenotusedtoseeingmethere.Isatdowntopray,anditallcame floodingback.After theyput theTorahon the reading table, thegabbai(assistant)cametome.Hedidn’tknowmyname,buttheywantedtohonormeasanewcomer.HetoldmetheywantedtocallmetotheTorah.Hesaid,“We

want to give you an aliyah. Can you say the prayer?” He didn’t know whatknowledgeIhad!IansweredthatI’dtry.Whenitwasmyturntogoup,Irolledup theTorah like you’re supposed to (somepeople don’t knowyou shouldn’tleave it open), and said the brucha (blessing). Of course, I rememberedeverything; it had been second nature to me and seemed so natural. All thepeoplewhowerethereturnedtoseewhowassingingthebruchasobeautifully.Isaiditfrommyheart.Afterward,everyonecametocongratulateme.Littlebylittle, I broke down my resistance and started going to the synagogueoccasionally.Wecelebratedholidaysbutnot strictly,notasa rabbi shoulddo.Andofcourse,IcontinuedtoeatwhateverAnnacooked,whichwasnotkosher.

HenryRamek2006Oakland,CaliforniaTwoimportantthingshappenedtomethatchangedmylifeandbroughtmebacktoHaShem.AttheendofAnna’slife,itwasaverydifficulttimeforme.Shewasverysickformanymonths,almostayear,andIsatatherside,notleavingthehouse.Shewassoweakshecouldnotgetoutofbedonherown,soIhadtoholdherandhelpher,evencarryher.

Closetotheend,shewaslyingononesidebecauseofthetumoronherotherside.Sheturnedaroundtolookatme,face-to-face,andsaid,“YouknowIloveyouandI’mgoingtodie.ButIwillhelpyou,Iwillprayforyou.IknowIcanhelpyou.”That’swhat she toldme,but Icouldn’t take it. I said,“WhyAnna,whatare

youtalkingabout?You’renotgoingtodie...”Ithinkshehadchangedandbeganto have faith at the end of her life. I believe that she prays for me and doeswhateverispossibletowatchoverme.Wedon’tknowwhatisgoingonintheworldbeyond–inolamhabah–butIbelieveit’sawholelot.Theneshomahs(spirits) are watching over us, especially when we observe a yahrzeit(memorial),theyseeus.AfterAnnadied,onenightIhadapowerfuldream,butthistimeitfeltmore

like a visionwith a very clearmessage. It wasmy family speaking tome in

Yiddish.They said, “Youhave to go back to your roots, to your people.Youneed to be a pious person.”Their voices resonated and stayedwithme, and Iknew I had to change. I thought itwould be very difficult to do, but little bylittle,Imadethetransition.Iateonlykosher,andIstoppedgoingtorestaurants.I went to synagogue more and more and began to daven (pray) every day. Istruggled to go everymorning, confrontingmy yetzer harah (evil inclination)andembracingHaShem.Iknewalltheprayersbyheartanddidn’tneedasiddur(prayerbook).Allofithadstayedwithme.Iwentbacktomyrootsandbecameaba’alteshuvah–returningtoHaShemandstrictreligiousobservance.WhenIbecameareligiousmanagain,mybaddreamsdisappeared. Istillhadadreamonceinawhile,butnotatorturousone.Ifeltwhole,healthy,andatpeace.Despitealltheyears,IwasnotreligiousandnooneknewIwasarabbi,Iknew

whatitmeanttobeagoodJew.IlivedaccordingtowhatIfeltweregoodethics– to do the right thing and to help people. I had learned the most importantlessonsaboutbeingagoodJew:toobservetheTenCommandments,andtobethetypeofpersonwhocanbeanexampletotheworld.Ilivedwithcompassion,alwaystryingtobegoodtopeople,whetheritmeanttohelpanoldwomancarryher groceries or get across the street, or to help a child who fell into theswimmingpool.Throughoutmylife,Iwaswillingtoriskmylifetohelpothers.This was the biggest mitzvah. My intention was what was important, notwhetherIsucceeded.IthasbeenablessingtohavethepossibilityagaintogreetGodeachmorning,

tostudyTorah,andtoteachothers.IremembereverythingthatIeverlearned;Irememberwholeparashas(portions)oftheTorahbyheart.Iamarabbiagain.Mysonswereshockedtolearnaboutme.Theyneverhadtheslightestsuspicionabout my rabbinical background. I never even talked much about myexperiences during theHolocaustwhen theywere young. It justwasn’t done,andwethoughtthatnogoodcouldcomeofit.FormanyyearsIdidn’tspeakofmypast life, but itwas in the air—itwas part of the atmospherewe lived in.Survivors would talk to each other, but we didn’t feel that others wanted toknow.But later,whenmy sonswere adults,we talkedand theydid theirownresearchand learnedall about theHolocaust.And thenwhen theyheard that Iwasarabbi,theyreproachedme.“Howcouldyoukeepthisfromus?Weknewyouwere a smartman, butwe never dreamed that youwere a rabbi.We arehearingnowfromotherrabbishowbrilliantyouare.”

HenryRamek2005Danville,CaliforniaTodayIamOrthodox,butIamnotfanatical,IamModernOrthodox.Idon’tfolloweveryruletotheletter.For

instance,IdriveonShabbat.OtherwisehowcanIgettothesynagoguefrommyhome?IadaptwhatIthinkisrightandinkeepingwiththeJewishtradition,andifI’mwrong,thenIwillacceptthepunishment.ItisnotwrittenintheTorahnottodriveonShabbat.ThereisnothingthereaboutitintheTenCommandments.Ofcourseitwasn’tanissuewhenIwasgrowingup,becausetherewerenocars.Norwasthereelectricitytoswitchonthelights.Youaren’tsupposedtodowork–choppingwoodtomakefireforwarmthandlight,thatwaswork.It’snotthesameasflippingaswitch.SoIarguedwiththerabbis,andinthebeginning,they

attackedme,butIconvincedthemthatthisismychoiceandIwillberesponsibleformysins.Ihavedevelopedawayoflookingatthings,andpeople

cometoaskmeforadvice.

Ibelievethereissomethingtobegainedfromeveryconversation,andIlovetotalkoverthingsandhelppeople.StilltodayIhavemanypeoplecometometotalk, to ask for advice and helpwith their studies. Just thisweekend I have afatherandsoncomingtome.Ihelpedtheboyprepareforhisbarmitzvah.Andnow theywantme to help them settle their disagreement.Theboy said to hisfather, “Let’s go see the rabbi, and I’ll do what he tells me.” I even have aspecialrelationshipwiththerabbiatmysynagogue;hecomestovisitmeeveryweek,andwelearnfromeachother.AfterAnnadied,itwasverydifficultforme,andIfeltveryalone.EveGordon

hadbeenafriendofAnna’sbutdidn’tknowhowsickshewas.Atthefuneral,manypeoplecametoshowtheirrespects.IsawEvestandingonthesideatthe

cemetery andwent togreet her. Iwas touchedbyhow sincere shewas inhersadnessandshockfornothavingknownAnna’sconditionuntilthen.Iknewherfrom the butcher shop when she had been one of our customers. She wasdifferentfromothercustomers;shewassophisticatedandverygentleinhowsherelatedwithpeople.ThenexttimeIsawEvewasinthesynagogue,andsheofferedtocomeoverto

payaconsolationvisit.Afterthatshesaidshewouldcallmethenextweek,andIdidn’tbelieveshereallywould,butsureenough,shedid.Shebroughtfoodandoffered her help, and we talked. Most of all, I was miserable and I neededcompany. I needed someone I could talk towith a connection of the heart. Itturnedoutwehadalotincommon.Herparentswereclosefriendsofmine,butEvedidn’tevenknowthatwehadbeenfriends.Shecontinuedtocheckonmeandcookforme,andthat’showwegottogether.Littlebylittle,wefellinlove.Iwas prepared not tomarry again. I thought the time had comewhen Iwouldhavetobealone.MysonswerealittleworriedaboutmeandthoughtmaybeIshouldhavesomeone,butIdidn’tthinkitwouldhappen.AndthenGodsentEvetome.Itwasmeanttobe.Wegotmarriedin1997.IhavetoconfessthatIstillfeelguiltyaboutkeepingasecretfromAnnaand

thechildren.IwasashamedaboutwhoIwasbecausehereIwasarabbi,andIcouldnotsavemybelovedparentsandfamily.IthoughtthatGodwaspunishingme. I expecteddifferent.ButHaShemworks inmysteriousways.He tookourfamily,buthegavemebackawonderfulnew family.Two finebrilliant sons,threegrandchildren,andthreegreat-grandchildren.OnegraduatedfromHarvard.Onebecamealawyerandjustrecentlygotmarried.Thethirdoneismarriedandhasthreelittlechildren–brilliantkids.Whoknows–maybewe’llhaveanotherEinstein!IamnowatpeacewithHaShem.Inowfeelheisgoodtome.Letmeaskyoua

question:howcanapersonbeninety-fouryearsold?IcanthankGodforthat.Iamabletositandtalkwithinterestingpeople.Icangivespeeches.IcanteachTorah.Throughaseriesofmiraculousevents,Icanbeheretotellmystory.

HenryandEve1997LakeTahoe,CaliforniaWedding

Copyright©2014byEveGordon-Ramek

FirstEdition–March2014ISBN

978-1-4602-3539-3(Hardcover)978-1-4602-3540-9(Paperback)978-1-4602-3541-6(eBook)

Allrightsreserved.

Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedinanyform,orbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,

includingphotocopying,recording,oranyinformationbrowsing,storage,orretrievalsystem,withoutpermissionin

writingfromthepublisher.

Producedby:

FriesenPressSuite300–852FortStreet

Victoria,BC,CanadaV8W1H8

www.friesenpress.com

DistributedtothetradebyTheIngramBookCompany