Mums and Tots - Issue 12 - Autumn 14

mums tots&IRELAND’S FAVOURITE MATERNITY MAGAZINE

Embracing Life - Pregnancy to Parenting

PUREIRISH

ISSN 2009-437X

www.mumsandtots.ie ISSUE 12 AUTUMN 2014 €3.00

IRELAND’S FAVOURITE MATERNITY MAGAZINE

Win!Luxury Stay at The Step House Hotel

Egg Donor Conception

Middle Child Syndrome

SCHOOL DAZE: Preparing for Big School

ALL ABOUT:

AUTISM IRELAND

Win!A €250 Mint Velvet Voucher

The Truth About Carbs

Goodies Galore!WIN: A MINI MICROSCOOTER, €100 M&S VOUCHER, NOODLE AND BOO HAMPER

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Co-Sleeping: The Do’s and Don’ts

REAL MUMS

OH SUGAR!

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GLO-70036-14_Rev2.indd 1 05/08/2014 11:10

Autism IrelandThere is nothing more frightening for a parent than thinking that their child is not developing typically

and many parents contact us at Irish Autism Action because they have concerns that their child is not

hitting developmental milestones.

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These concerns are usually based around language delay and odd behaviours that the parents have noticed. As awareness of

autism has increased in Ireland, so too has the fear that any deviation from typical development may mean that a child has autism. Current research indicates that 1 in 100 people have some form of autism. In Ireland that would mean that 45,000 people are affected – enough to fill the Aviva Stadium.

WHAT IS AUTISM?

Autism is a lifelong developmental disability which affects the person’s ability in areas of social interaction and communication and is marked by severe difficulties in communicating and forming relationships with people, in developing language and in using abstract concepts. Characteristics include repetitive and limited patterns of behaviour and obsessive resistance to tiny changes in familiar surroundings or routines.

Autism is often referred to as the ‘hidden’ disability because people who are on the autistic spectrum show no significant physical difference to their peers, rather it is their behaviours that mark them out as different. It can be difficult for parents and carers to explain the behaviours to others who may see the child as being naughty or undisciplined.

Autism is a spectrum disorder and is sometimes called an ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder). It is defined as a spectrum disorder because although people with autism share difficulties in the same areas, it can affect them differently. Some people may have more difficulties in one area than others. Some will have significant difficulties across all areas. Children with autism may share a diagnosis but their autism can impact on them to differing degrees.

Aspergers Syndrome is also an ASD. Children with Aspergers Syndrome share some of the same difficulties as children with autism but are usually of average or above average intelligence. Typically they would not receive a diagnosis until later in childhood.

HOW DOES HAVING AUTISM AFFECT A CHILD?

Children with autism have difficulties in three main areas:

- Social communication- Social interaction- Social imagination

Collectively these are referred to as the ‘Triad of Impairment’.

Difficulties with social communication means that understanding both verbal and non-verbal communication is challenging. Children with autism may have little or no speech and rely on visuals or sign language. Others may have very sophisticated verbal language but struggle to read facial expressions, understand sarcasm or tone of voice. Children with autism have a very literal understanding of language and think you mean exactly what you said. If you said it was raining cats and dogs, they would think that cats and dogs were falling out of the sky. Children with autism will also have difficulty in understanding the turn taking nature of conversation. This means that they can talk about a favourite film, for example, without giving the other person a chance to join in.

Children with autism have problems with understanding social interaction. They find it very difficult to make and keep friendships because they struggle to understand someone else’s feelings and to express their own. The unwritten social rules which children typically pick up by watching and copying other and by reading non verbal cues does not come naturally to children with autism. They

have to be taught about social rules.

Some people think that because children with autism often spend time alone that they do not want to make friends and that they are happy with their own company. In reality children with autism do want to make friendships but often don’t know how to.

Having social imagination means that we are able to plan ahead, understand abstract ideas and it helps us to understand other people’s actions. Children with autism have great difficulty with this type of imagination. It is not the same as being unimaginative. Many children with autism have very vivid imaginations and can show talent at music and art based activities.

Many children with autism will also have some kind of sensory difficulty. They may be hyper or hypo sensitive across any or all of the 5 senses. This means some tastes and textures are unbearable. Certain sounds may be painful. They may not be able to tell the difference between hot and cold and can have a high pain threshold. They may also have problems with gross or fine motor skills. Occupational therapists trained in Sensory Integration Disorder help children with autism with these difficulties.

TELL ME AND I WILL FORGET. SHOW ME AND I WILL REMEMBER.

Most children with autism are visual thinkers and find following visual cues instead of verbal cues much easier. If you go into the home where there is a child with autism you may come across many visual schedules around activities and routines.

AS A PARENT WHAT SHOULD I LOOK OUT FOR?

It is important to understand that no single behaviour is indicative of autism, nor will a child show all the behaviours listed below. The significant factor is a pattern of behaviours. Some of the behaviours may be intense whilst others are relatively mild. Some of the behaviours that indicate autism are seen at specific times in a typically developing child. The significant difference in autism is the intensity of the behaviour and the persistence of the behaviour beyond the normal developmental time-frame.

“Autism Action provides awareness raising, diagnosis,

education support, advocacy,

counselling, home based

support, research, information and

advice for families”

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your concerns with the Local Health Nurse or your GP. If you, as a parent, believe that your child has a disability you can apply for an Assessment of Need. Further information on the Assessment of Need can be found on the IAA website or your local Citizens Information Office or Local Health Centre. You can contact Irish Autism Action on 044 9371680 or email [email protected].

Diagnosis is also available privately. In this case you may only see one professional. You need to ensure that their area of expertise is in diagnosing autistic spectrum disorders.

IRISH AUTISM ACTION

Irish Autism Action is a young dynamic, innovative and passionate organisation formed in 2001 which is bringing positive change into the lives of those affected by autism. The range of services which Irish Autism Action provides includes awareness raising, diagnosis, education support, advocacy, counselling, home based support, research, information and advice for families.

Irish Autism Action receives no state funding and is dependent on fundraising to provide supports to families and people living with autism.

Irish Autism ActionPhone: 044 9371680Email: [email protected]: www.autismireland.ie

Language

• Has flat or limited facial expressions• Does not use gestures• Rarely initiates conversation• Fails to imitate actions or sounds• May have little or no speech or may be

quite verbal• Repeats or echoes words and/or

phrases• Uses unusual intonation or rhythm• Seems not to understand word

meanings or understand implied meaning but uses words literally

Social Interaction

• Spends time alone rather than with others

• Less responsive to social cues such as eye contact or smiles

• Seeks social contact in unusual ways• Uses an adults hand as a tool

Play

• Lack of spontaneous or imaginative play

• Does not imitate others actions• Is very attached to certain toys or

objects and plays with them in an unusual way

• Does not play turn-taking games• Play is repetitive

Behaviour

• Is upset by and resists change to routines or environment

• Drifts aimlessly• Exhibits strong and inflexible interests• Throws tantrums for no apparent

reason• May he over/hyperactive or passive• Sensory impairment• Sometimes appears deaf• Exhibits panic or pain related to

specific sounds• Plays with light and reflection• Flicks fingers before eyes• Pulls away when touched• Strongly avoids certain smells, foods,

clothes etc• Is attracted to certain patterns/

textures/odours.• May spin, whirl, bang head or torso,

bite wrist or hand, bounces or jumps, climbs

• Exhibits unusual or non response to pain, heat or cold

• Toileting problems

HOW IS AUTISM DIAGNOSED?

As yet there are no medical tests to diagnose autism. An accurate diagnosis must be made on observation of the child’s communication, behaviour and development levels. It has been proven worldwide that early, accurate diagnosis coupled with early, intensive intervention increases the child’s opportunity for positive development and success.

Diagnosis is not usually given before the age of 30 months. This is because some of the assessments require the child to show skills that you would not expect to see in a typical child before the age of 30 months. Usually you will meet a multi-disciplinary team including a clinical psychologist or psychologist, speech and language therapist and occupational therapist. They will all have experience of autistic spectrum disorders. There are various diagnostic tests which will be carried out and a history of the child’s development to date. Further information about the different diagnostic assessments can be found on the IAA website.

Expect to have several appointments over several different days.

The multi-disciplinary team will then meet to discuss their assessments and must be in agreement that the child meets the criteria for autistic spectrum disorder.

WHERE DO I GO IF I AM WORRIED?

If you have any concerns about your child’s development you should discuss

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Myself and Jack got married in 2000 when I was 26. We had kind of talked about children beforehand, but not to great

length and I think we both just assumed we would have them if and when we wanted them.

REAL MUMS

My Story: Egg Donor ConceptionI feel a bit funny about writing this all down, since my family don’t even know

the details of what I’m about to say. For that reason, I’m not going to say who I am, and I’m going to refer to my husband throughout as “Jack”. So I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant with my first child but it has been a rollercoaster ride to get

here. I’ll start at the beginning.

After the honeymoon and when things settled down, we did talk about whether we would have children and we both agreed that I was young so we would enjoy a few years of married life, set ourselves up a bit better financially and then we would start trying to conceive.

We definitely made the most of that time too. We went on two to three holidays every year and a couple of weekend breaks too. Before I even got to the point where I thought, “ok, I’m ready now”, I started to experience heavier than normal periods, regular kidney infections and back pain. I

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didn’t over analyse it though, but I did feel like I was seeing a lot of my GP who was making different recommendations for short term relief.

My mother passed away in 2008 and it was a very difficult time in my life. I felt huge pressure to look after my father and didn’t get a lot of support from my family. It was shortly after that point that Jack and I agreed we would start trying for a baby. Jack felt quite strongly that my family might not take my availability to look after my father as much for granted if we also had our own children. Not that this was the only reason either, we were just ready. We really wanted a family unit of our own.

I always assumed it would just happen, but alas, months of trying and no joy. I started to look at pregnant women in a different light. I’d longingly admire their gorgeous big tummys but I’d get so frustrated seeing women coming back from maternity leave in work and shortly after announcing yet another pregnancy. Why couldn’t it be me?

Anyway, I was referred to a consultant gynaecologist for further tests and it was discovered that I had bad endometriosis on one of my ovaries and it would have to be removed. I went for surgery in 2009, in the hope that it would signal the end of all my pain and I would be able to conceive. After the operation, the consultant advised that there was actually significant damage to my remaining left ovary as a result of the endometriosis also, and that it was unlikely I would conceive naturally.

I gave myself a few months to get used to the idea, but during that time I also had to have three cysts removed from my remaining ovary so it just seemed like it was a sign to try assisted reproduction straight away. So in 2011, I had my first appointment at the fertility clinic. Given my history, it was decided that we would try IUI (inter-uterine insemination) first, but this was an unsuccessful. The week I was due to start my hormones for IVF, I got another kidney infection and had to postpone. It was like constant set backs! Eventually I started my treatment but after a series of tests the clinic advised that my body was not responding at all. Basically my ovary was too badly damaged and I was producing no eggs.

They referred me back to my original gynaecologist who advised that I would have to have my second ovary removed as it was causing me a lot of pain and was serving no purpose.

It was a complete shock. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and I kind of held off on the surgery for a while as I knew it would be so final and also meant I would begin the menopause and would need HRT. The doctor did advise that my womb was still good and so he was the one who suggested egg donation to me. It was never something I had considered previously, ever!

Myself and Jack spent a long time discussing our options after my surgery and we did our research and decided to go to Barcelona to seek a donor egg. I spent hours on a forum chatting to other women who had been to the same place and all reports were great. Also as there was no waiting list it seemed the best option.

As I said, we never told our families the extent of my surgery, so as far as they were aware we would just going for IVF abroad as our cycle here failed and economic reasons etc. After we made contact with the clinic, we were given an appointment for a consultation within two weeks. It took another few visits for tests and to find the correct donor and we had to sort out medication in Ireland

too, so I had to involve my GP to get Irish scripts written up. The clinic take into account your hair and eye colour so that it should be possible to have a baby that matches your characteristics, which is so important for someone in a similar situation to myself. Within four months of my initial consultation, myself and Jack flew back over to Spain for the egg transfer. It was the most emotional plane journey of my entire life, but I was only in the clinic about half a day so it all went very quickly that day. The next two weeks waiting to take the pregnancy test whilst taking all the necessary medication were the most stressful of my life. I hardly wanted to move in case I would do something to jeopardise my chances of it working.

I’m so thrilled to say that we were blessed with a successful DEIVF (donor egg IVF)!! It is the most magical feeling in the world being pregnant and all the previous knock backs have only made me cherish this time so much more.

It was only when I was waiting for my egg transfer that I heard about Tina Malone, an English actress, who was pregnant at 50 through an egg donor. A lot of the controversy seemed to surround her age, but I loved seeing her pregnant and glowing after egg donation. It gave me great hope and even now, I love hearing other women’s stories who have been through it all. One lady I met through an online support group was a huge inspiration to me. She had had one daughter with her own egg and a second through egg donation and she still claims that her donor egg daughter is more like her than her first daughter! Nature works in a wonderful way.

Myself and my husband have also discussed what we will tell our baby in the future about the situation, but to be honest, we have yet to decide what route we will take. The future is still unwritten, as they say, but for now, I’m loving being pregnant and am patiently awaiting the second love of my life to arrive! This is our time now and I plan to enjoy every single second of it.

“It is the most magical feeling in the world being

pregnant, and all the previous knock

backs have only made me cherish this time so much

more”

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Sugar is a carbohydrate. Carbohydrate can be a sugar. What makes them different is how long or short they are

or put another way, how many sugar molecules they contain. When they are short in length, they are called Simple carbohydrates. When they are longer in length, they are called Complex carbohydrates. It’s a bit like the difference between pearl earrings and a pearl necklace!!

When it comes to optimising health, it is important to focus on delivering the carbohydrate slowly to the body, so that your body can use the carbohydrate that you provide it for energy without having to struggle to control the excess. When your blood stream contains too much carbohydrate, or too little, or is fluctuating, then your energy levels suffer. This will also

Oh, Sugar!words by Dietician, Orla Walsh

There has been a lot of talk in the media about sugar and it doesn’t look like that will change any time soon. However, it is becoming clear that

many people struggle to know what exactly sugar is and where it is found!

impact on your mood, cravings, weight and overall health!

WHY EAT CARBOHYDRATES?

But first, let’s talk about why you need to eat carbohydrate. Carbohydrate is the fuel for our brain, and it feeds our muscles too. Our brain may be small. In fact, it is just 2% of our weight! However, it is so active, thus it requires about 20% of your energy or calorie intake to fuel itself! It feeds on carbohydrate. Only under extreme conditions does it use another fuel source.

Carbohydrates are often associated with weight control. This is partly true. Eat too much and it will result in fat gain. However, this could be said for all food groups. But what people often do not realise is that it’s not just the quantity or amount of carbohydrate that you

eat that is important. The quality of the carbohydrate that you chose to eat matters too!

In fact, that’s what eating for good nutrition comes down to - giving your body what it needs when it needs it and focusing on the quality of the food you provide it. When it comes to carbohydrate, it’s important to ensure that the energy from it is drip fed into our body (digested and released slowly) and not injected into our body (quickly digested and released into our blood stream).

CARBOHYDRATES IN THE BODY

When carbohydrate is in our blood, it’s called glucose. When carbohydrate is digested and released into our blood, our blood glucose levels rise. This causes a release in a hormone called insulin. Insulin

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is needed to bring the glucose into the cells of our body where it is used as energy. It also takes any excess glucose and stores it as fat. So it’s important to control your blood glucose levels, as this will control your insulin which will help control how much glucose is turned into fat. When you are pregnant, similarly during puberty, you become more resistant to this insulin. When you’re resistant to insulin, you need more to do the same job. So, when pregnant it becomes even more important to control how much glucose there is in your blood by controlling how much carbohydrate you eat!

WHAT FOODS CONTAIN CARBOHYDRATE?

So let’s talk about what foods contain carbohydrates and which are the healthiest kinds to be choosing.

Firstly, a quick reminder: simple carbohydrates are shorter in length while complex carbohydrates are longer in length. This will effect the speed of which they are broken down and released into the body. The longer in length, the more they need to be chopped into smaller pieces to enable them to be absorbed into our blood.

The speed at which they are broken down or released into the body is called the GI factor. The slower released carbohydrates are Low GI. The quicker released carbohydrates are High GI. A quick rule of thumb is that the more natural the carbohydrate is, the lower the GI will be. But why?

Generally, whole foods or natural foods are slower to be digested. Our mouth and stomach do the same thing - they mechanically break foods down by chewing (mouth) or mashing (stomach). They then chemically break food down with digestive juices. The longer it takes to mechanically break down food in the mouth and stomach, the longer it will take to chemically break down the food. Natural food is whole, or as it appears in nature. It is therefore often higher in fibre and less mechanically or chemically broken down. For example, an apple will take longer to chew and digest that the apple if it were stewed. However the apple would take even less time to be digested if it were juice. Have a look at the table below to get an idea of food choice.

As you can see, there are many sources of

carbohydrates. Some are healthier than others. To optimise your health and your energy levels, chose the natural whole food varieties. Simply put, if it grew out of the ground or is found in nature looking similar to how it ended up on your plate or in your meal, then it’s a healthier source.

BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU’RE BUYING MAN MADE FOODS....

The ability to read labels can have a significant impact on your health. If you can read a label, and know what you need

** When it comes to the complex carbohydrates, opt for the brown, higher in fibre, less processed versions. Ask yourself, did it grow out of the ground looking like how it ended up on my plate?!

HEALTHY

LESS HEALTHY

HEALTHY**

LESS HEALTHY

SIMPLE CARBOHYDRATES

COMPLEX CARBOHYDRATES

Fruit, Yoghurt (with no added sugar), Milk

Fruit juice, Yoghurt - with aged sugars, Flavoured milk, Sweets and ‘Treats’, Jam/Marmalade

Potatoes, Oats, Bulgur wheat, Buckwheat, Quinoa, Sweet potato, Brown rice, Lentils, Beans e.g. Butter, Mung or Kidney beans, Peas e.g. Chickpeas, Breakfast cereals (that have more than 6g of fibre, and less than 5g of sugar)

White versions of starches, for example;White bread, Baguette, Scones, Wraps, Breakfast cereals (that have less than 6g of fibre, and greater than 5g of sugar)

to be looking out for, you can make a more informed and healthier choice.

The nutrition label aims to inform the consumer and allows them to make their purchase decision based on the nutritional content of the food or product. However, research has shown that consumers frequently confuse label terms. For example, food labels with nutrition labels, nutrition label with ingredient lists and nutrition claims with nutrition labels!

So, to understand your carbohydrates, consider both the sugar and fibre content. Have a look at a food label and consider the ‘per 100g’ values that you are provided with. A food is high in sugar if it has more than 22.5g of which sugars per 100g and it is considered low in sugar if it has less than 5g of which sugars or less per 100g.

To understand whether the food naturally contains sugar or whether it was added, simply have a look at the ingredients list! If sugar is added, you will see the words sugar, e.g. raw cane sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, honey, molasses, nectars, e.g., peach nectar, pear nectar, syrup, e.g. maple, malt or anything ending in –ose e.g. sucrose, maltose, dextrose.

So there you have it, to eat a low sugar diet, you need to understand what this means! The benefits to health are endless. Give it a go, you will be amazed at your new found energy!

“When pregnant it becomes even

more important to control how much

glucose there is in your blood by controlling how

much carbohydrate you eat”

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2012/ADV/CAL/074

Treatment of nappy rash: Cleanse and dry the affected area, sprinkle on Caldesene after each nappy change or as a directed by the physician. For topical use only. ALWAYS READ THE LABEL. The active ingredient in Caldesene Medicated Powder is Calcium Undecylenate 10% w/w, 20g, 55g, 100g pack size.The active ingredient in Caldease Medicated Ointment is Zinc oxide 15% w/w 30g and 100g pack size. CaldeSpray contains zinc oxide 10%, 50ml pack size. Clonmel healthcare Ltd.Date prepared: Nov 2012.

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Grey Sleepsuits (set of 2), €22, Next

47mums&tots

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Knitted Bolero, €13, Mothercare

Beanie, €3, Penneys

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The Dummywords by Paediatric Sleep Consultant, Lucy Wolfe

You will always hear mixed reviews on dummy, soother, pacifier use with young children. You may have promised yourself that you would never allow your baby to have one and yet you may find yourself using one after all. You may intend to use a dummy and find that your baby resists entirely. It is possible for your baby to seem disinterested in the

dummy at first only to become addicted to it or you may find the reverse is true. So, to dummy or not to dummy... here is some useful information.

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Excessive dummy re-plugs would be 3+ overnight.

If in your opinion having to get up and re-plug even 1-2 times a night is excessive then maybe you need to review your dummy use. Speak with your GP and decide what is appropriate for you. If your

baby is 18 weeks plus and if you agree to discontinue the use of the soother, it is best dropped at bedtime and replaced with a sleep learning technique such as a gradual retreat or pick up put down sleep training method. It would then be advisable to discontinue using same throughout the night and into the following day for naps. It typically takes 2-3 days for a baby to get over the dummy and you may still use for non sleep time. If this is what you decide then it is nice to replace the dummy with a safe, breathable security item that you tuck in with your baby at sleep times.

Another, more gradual technique suitable for babies under 6 months would be using the dummy at the onset of sleep and attempting to remove the soother before they actually fall asleep. This can often be an exercise in frustration for parent and baby, but hugely effective for some easy going temperament type babies.

If your baby is closer to 8-9 months then it can become more challenging to take the dummy away and lots of

Using a soother in the early months of life can be a great way to help calm a fussy, unsettled baby. Sucking is

hugely powerful in the first weeks and months of life and by using a dummy you can help to engage the calming reflex. It is possible to use the dummy in between feeds when your baby just wants to suck and not eat and provided that you have established your feeding-specifically if you are breastfeeding (then you may want to delay the use of a dummy until at least 6 weeks to ensure that feeding is established properly). Furthermore, SIDS guidelines suggest that using a dummy can help reduce the risk of cot death. Used in these ways and properly sterilised, a dummy can really help in the early days. However, you may need to think it through carefully. Although SIDS guidelines suggest that parents should continue using the dummy for the first 12 months once used at all, always seek the advice and consent from your gp before making any decisions.

Commonly, beyond 4-5 months of age, the dummy use can start to go against you. Suddenly you may find that your baby wakes frequently needing the soother to be re-plugged countless times overnight and during naps in the day or indeed your baby may only nap for 20-30 minutes and not return to sleep at all. This is when the dummy becomes a sleep prop and I like parents to be mindful of the following: If your baby sucks to go to sleep, even if the dummy falls out of the mouth once asleep, most often the dummy will need to be replaced as your baby cycles through their natural sleep phases. It is a sleep prop. This can mean some parents replace the dummy 20+ times overnight. Considerably broken sleep for all involved. Don’t worry if your baby has a dummy, it doesn’t mean you have to discontinue the use of it in most cases In fact, well rested children will need less and maybe no dummy runs in the overnight period. Typically, countless dummy runs are caused by inadequate day sleep and bedtime being too late.

A great night for a dummy-user is no runs. A normal night would be 1-2 until you can teach your baby to use the dummy independently; this skill emerges closer to 8m+ and even then you may still have to re-plug as they get stuck, fall out of the cot and need help to find the soother.

“Sucking is hugely powerful in the first weeks and

months of life and by using a dummy

you can help to engage the calming

reflex”

parents see this as their only source of comfort and are reluctant to do so. This still doesn’t mean that you should be getting up more than twice overnight. First ensure that your child is well rested and that sleep times are age appropriate and that with the exception the soother your child is an independent sleeper. This means able to be put into the cot and able to nod off to sleep without any other intervention such as rocking or bottles. In this instance and age group then I suggest that you teach your baby to be independent of you in the context of their sleep. 100% of the time put the dummy into their hand and guide hand to mouth. Over time, allow your baby to find the dummy themselves by swiping their hand around the cot. I am not in favour of using more than one dummy at a time in the cot. The only real gimmick I might suggest to aid this process is a Sleepytot™.

Even in this under 12 month age range if you had the mind to off load the dummy and your GP consented, then I would do the same as the above, it may be emotional at the start but your baby will process the change within a few days.

If you are planning to stop using the dummy it can also be useful to start limiting the daytime use for a few days in advance of the big night. If you attempt to drop the dummy and it is more stressful and emotional then you would like it to be, provide the dummy and review your soother situation at a later date.

* Beyond 12 months, if you are still using a dummy then I suggest that you are potentially stuck with it now until closer to 2-2.5 years of age when you can reason and explain your motives for taking away what may well be their security item at this stage.

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So many of our  day-to-day activities centre around my six-year-old, because she’s in school and does homework and

has playdates and is invited to parties. Whereas my poor four-year-old just gets the crumbs - literally, cake crumbs and

Middle Child Syndromewords by Andrea Mara

6.30am. The pitter patter of little feet. I can guess which feet. My early bird four-year-old. She climbs into bed for a snuggle, and asks me what we’re doing today. “Well, daddy

is bringing your little brother swimming because he never gets to go normally, when you girls have classes. And in the afternoon, we’ve to bring your big sister to a party

don’t we?”. As the words left my mouth, I realised yet again that my middle-child was well and truly a middle-child in every sense of the term.

maybe the odd jelly from the party-bag.

Everyone has heard of middle-child-syndrome, but it’s surprising to watch it unfold in real life - to witness the inevitability; to realise that knowing of its existence since I was a child myself doesn’t

enable me to prevent it. The eldest gets attention. Of course. From the emergence of those tiny but life-changing lines on the pregnancy test, baby number one gets all our attention. For me, this involved a pregnancy spent reading all the right

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books, eating all the right foods, and resting (remember resting?). My first baby was watched intently while she slept, and photographed like every day was London Fashion Week. Her clothes were new, her pram was new, her cot was new. Weaning to solids was a carefully planned project that included two books, specially designed ice-cube trays, a steamer, a blender, a lot of chopping and peeling, and more plastic, coloured bowls and spoons than your average Ikea.

My middle-child? The pregnancy was spent chasing a one-year-old and reading no books (of any kind). The newborn stage was spent chasing a one-year-old and using baby’s sleep time not to stare at her but to actually get things done. There are photos, but not quite so many, and she is rarely pictured on her own. Nothing was new - hand-me-downs all the way. And as for weaning; there may have been a lot of Ella’s Kitchen pouches involved.

My third child is my baby, He is two now, and he will still be my baby when he’s twenty-two. The fact that he’s a boy after two girls is possibly fuelling this. His two sisters are utterly besotted with him and he can do no wrong - even when he’s doing wrong. He breaks a toy or scribbles on some carefully drawn art-work and all hell breaks loose. For ten seconds. Then he cries (he has recently produced  an admirable fake cry), and his big sisters run to hug him, to forgive him. Between the four of us, we will have him destroyed as the Irish are wont to say. But one look from the big blue eyes, one cheeky smile, one perfect hug with a squished up cheek and an “I wub you mummy”, and all is forgotten, all is forgiven. He’s only a baby after all.

So if middle-child syndrome stems from a lack of attention, then giving each child, including the middle child, one-on-one attention seems like a good solution. These days, with many siblings very close in age, as parents wait until their thirties then have all their children in a short space of time, it’s possibly more difficult to find ways to allocate individual attention. If like I did, you have a three month old and a twenty-three month old, they both need you - no way around that.

Another challenge is work - in so many families today both parents are working, so we have less time to give to our children in general, and therefore even

fewer hours to dedicate to one-on-one time. But on the flip-side, in previous generations, families were much larger - a middle child in a family of seven or nine surely had to shout much louder than my middle child does (though she does try). So yes, modern life brings challenges but it’s not as simple as that.

And certainly, there is plenty of anecdotal evidence to say we shouldn’t overthink this - lots of “I’m a middle-child and I’m fine” comments from adults who have turned out to be confident, secure and well-balanced (except for the occasional “well you won’t find any photos of me as a child” comment or a retail therapy fixation borne out of a childhood spent in hand-me-downs).

So is it all just pop psychology - a fun talking point without much substance, or is there any science behind it? Parentology author and sociologist Dalton Conley says there is. According to Conley, if middle-children are not given particular attention to counteract it, they can be disadvantaged in their development. In theory, that’s a scary prospect. But in reality, most parents are aware of potential middle-child-syndrome, or at least are mindful of giving equal attention to all children regardless of where they fall in the family-order. However, Katrin Schumann, co-author of The Secret Power of Middle Children, says that there are many advantages to being born in-between older and younger siblings. Middle children, “are social beings and great team-players”, according to Schumann, who also says, “they are excellent negotiators ... used to

not getting their own way and so they become savvy—skillful manipulators. They can see all sides of a question and are empathetic and judge reactions well. They are more willing to compromise and so they can argue successfully. Since they often have to wait around as kids, they’re more patient.” Although the focus is very much on the positive, most of her research shows that middle children have developed  particular traits precisely  due to  being somewhat neglected on the parental-attention scale, so it seems she and Conley are in agreement: for better for worse, middle children are missing out.

So what can parents do about it? There are no silver-bullet solutions - it’s really just down to common sense:

Ensure your middle child has at least as much one-on-one time as your  other children - more if necessary. Children thrive on individual attention; even a trip to the supermarket can feel very special to a small child if older and younger siblings aren’t there too.

Don’t fall into the habit of always turning to your eldest (or youngest) child first during family conversations, for example, when arriving in from work and asking each child in turn how his or her day was.

Praise your middle child for contributing suggestions and ideas, even if they’re not as practical or applicable of those of an older sibling - especially if said older sibling has a tendency to put down those suggestions or tease the middle-child.

So it comes down to being mindful. And the outcomes either way (Dalton Conley’s claims notwithstanding) are not so bad. Among many positives, middle-children are said to be more relaxed, less competitive and a little alternative. They are understanding, cooperative, flexible and  fair. What’s not to love? Go hug a middle-child.

Andrea Mara has three small kids, one tall husband and one office job. She writes at OfficeMum.ie about being a parent, being a mother working outside the home and being a woman in the workplace. Follow Andrea’s tweets @office_mum or on Facebook.

“Middle-children are said to be more relaxed,

less competitive and a little

alternative. They are understanding,

cooperative, flexible and fair”

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end

WHERE FAIRYTALE AND REALITY MEETwords by Roberta von Meding

Last February we took the family on what can only be described as a trip of a lifetime. Our girls, Juliet (4) and Robyn

(1.5) could never have imagined a holiday like it.

We left Dublin at 6am and flew to Dusseldorf, Germany and then to Helsinki, Finland. At first I thought the transfers

would be a pain but the girls were happy to get off each plane and have a run around each airport. Finnair is an amazing airline to fly with. They couldn’t have been more child friendly. From Helsinki we got our third and final plane to Kemi, a town located half way up Finland. When we stepped out of the plane it was dark and the snow was falling. Juliet was beside herself with excitement, opening her mouth to catch some snowflakes. The airport was tiny and we got a taxi straight away to our first stop: the award winning Hotel Merihovi, which felt like entering the 1950’s with a wooden slatted lift that brought us to our room…. complete with sauna! Once we got settled we had some modern Scandinavian cuisine - reindeer and salmon with creamy mashed potato. The kids couldn’t get enough of it, much to my delight as Juliet can be quite the fussy eater! Kemi is a cute little town with ice sculptures lining the main street and a giant snowman in the centre, outside our hotel.

DAY 1: THE SNOW CASTLE

All suited up in our thermals we took a 5 minute taxi ride to The Kemi Snow Castle, which is a source of great pride for the locals! Juliet had recently watched the movie, Frozen, and could not quite believe that we were in an actual castle made of snow and ice just like Elsa’s - only better - this snow castle was full of colourful fibre optic lights; had a big slide, ice bedrooms and a restaurant (the food has to be pre-ordered as it is not made on site). The castle is kept at -5 so warm clothes are advised. We were treated to creamy mash, salmon and strawberry mousse. Everything is made totally of ice, even the drink glasses! A shiny, winter wonderland with beautiful carvings everywhere! Guests who spend the night are given a specially design fleece lined sleeping bag. The beds are covered in lambskins and guests are advised to bring their thermals and hats. After a go on the inner tube slide outside the castle we were picked up by an Olokolo, a warm sleigh with a clear roof, pulled by a snowmobile which took us out on a trip across the frozen sea. It was comfortable and warm and the kids cuddled up on some reindeer hides as we watched the world go by, zipping across the ice. It even had a temperature control so we could make it hotter or colder. A magical day topped off by another yummy dinner at Merihovi.

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DAY 2: ICE BREAKER CRUISE

We were picked up after breakfast and brought to the Icebreaker Sampo for a 4 hour cruise. The ship is beautifully kept with shiny brass handles and windows, hard wooden beams and cabin details. It was incredible to see the ship break through 1 metre thick ice as it navigated through the Gulf of Bothnia. The ship makes an hour stop in the middle of the sea so everyone can get out for a run and a snowball fight. I even braved the swimming experience - in a survival suit that made me look a bit like a hooded traffic cone. I only lasted 4 minutes for a quick float in between the ice. Quite an amazing experience! We were also treated to a delicious lunch on board; creamy salmon soup, fillet of beef with blue cheese potatoes and chocolate parfait, coffee / tea. The kids had a plate of meatballs and chips which they wolfed down.

Arrival to Rovaniemi

After our cruise we got a bus to Rovaniemi, located just inside the arctic circle. The Hotel Santa Claus is a four-star hotel in the very heart of Rovaniemi, in the same complex is a fantastic shopping mall. There are plenty of activities to do locally; snowmobiling, sledding and iceskating. The hotel even provide sleds for you to borrow for the day at no charge. Our room was gorgeous, overlooking the square below; plenty of room for the girls and a big sauna to get the warmth back into us after the day’s activities.

DAY 3: RANUA ARCTIC ZOO

Ranua Wildlife Park is one of the leading tourist attractions for families in Lapland, a 80 km drive from Rovaniemi. The park animals consist of approximately 50 wild animal species and 200 individuals; eagles, reindeer, polar bear, oxen, lynx, boar and wolves. We pulled Juliet and Robyn on a little plastic sleigh through soft flurries of snow, as our tour guide showed us all the

There is no need to buy all the expensive snow gear before your trip.

There are plenty of places which offer a full range of

thermal waterproofs to rent; snowsuits, gloves, hats boots. Make sure to book in advance.

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different animals in their natural habitat. It was beautiful padding through the snowy paths of the forest seeing how happy the animals were. The polar bear were actually playing and sliding in the snow. It made me feel quite sorry for the poor bears at Dublin zoo.

DAY 4: HUSKY FARM AND REINDEER RIDE

An early start for the von Medings on Day 4. After breakfast we walked over to Lapland Safari’s HQ for a snowmobile safari to a husky farm. The kids were very cute in all their snow gear and helmets. The tour guide attached a shielded sled to the back of his snowmobile and I held the girls inside. After a brisk, and rather bumpy, snowmobile ride, we arrived at

the husky dog farm where the dogs welcomed us with friendly barking. We took it in turns to ride in a sled pulled by a team of huskies. After a hot chocolate around a campfire in a cosy log cabin at the farm we drove back to Rovaniemi.

After lunch, we took a taxi to a reindeer farm, owned by a local family of reindeer herders. Juliet was delighted when she was provided with a reindeer driving license after our reindeer sleigh ride. It was amazing being immersed in Nordic culture as Sven told us all about his ancestral 600 year old traditions in herding. As we were about to leave, his father arrived back on a snowmobile with a bag full of fish for dinner which he had caught ice fishing at a local lake.

DAY 5: MEETING WITH SANTA CLAUS

Rovaniemi is the official home town of Santa Claus, where Christmas can be experienced every day of the year. Santa Claus’ main post office is located in Santa’s Village in Finnish Lapland. Since 1985 the post office has received over 16 million letters. It is open to the public in December from 9-7 and in June, July and August from 9-6 o’clock. We were brought into the post office by some very friendly staff dressed as elves who gave us some letters from children in Ireland to open. Did you know that a letter to Santa is the only letter that can be sent without a stamp? Even if you send a letter with just, ‘Santa, Lapland’ it will get to his official post office. Juliet and Robyn even got to meet the man himself who gave them a reindeer teddy each. They were overjoyed and happy to have something to cuddle to take the sting out of having to say goodbye to Finland.

The only thing that was a little disappointing was that we didn’t get to see the Northern Lights due to weather conditions. Although it does give us another reason to go back!

WEBSITESwww.visitkemi.fi

www.visitrovaniemi.fi

My husband Joey is one of the Directors at Tiny Ark (www.tinyark.

com) and shot a gorgeous video of our trip. Feel free to watch it on the Mums & Tots Youtube channel: www.youtube.com/MumsAndTots.

Believe it on not it was actually done on an iPhone 5!

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Daddy Diaries

LABOUR: SOUNDS LIKE WORK TO ME!A frequent question asked by the newbie expectant dad is what exactly can ‘I’ do during labour? There is plenty for you to do, so get out of the corner like a bold child and get stuck in – metaphorically speaking that is!

Dad of three, David Caren, is the founder of Dad.ie and author of ‘The Irish Dad’s Survival

Guide to Pregnancy & Beyond...’ available in all good bookstores and online here at ww.obrien.ie

Words by Author, David Caren

Hands on – many women find a massage helpful in easing their labour pains.

No. 1 Fan – encourage your partner; tell her she is doing great and that you are very proud of her.

Look at the size of that needle! Distract her during difficult contractions.

Speak up – remember you are her birth partner; it will be up to you to relay instructions in the birth plan to attending medical staff.

Take it like a man – some labouring women have a tendency to ‘get it all out’, and I don’t just mean the baby; so take any insults on the chin, but be sure to apologise on her behalf to anyone else present.

Can you make me a sandwich honey? Ensure you look after yourself and don’t go making any requests of your partner.

Heavy breather – help your partner with her breathing techniques; believe me, it will do you the world of good also.

Get her into position – your partner may need to alternate birthing positions should she find one not working.

And we’re off – you will be best placed to let your partner know what is happening down below.

This is your time to be an ARSE! Assist, Reassure, Support and Encourage.

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10 WAYS TO SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER DURING LABOUR:

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