Mentor Handbook, Fall 2013 Edition

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ST. STEPHEN’S YOUTH PROGRAMS

College and Career Program

MENTOR HANDBOOK: FALL 2013 EDITION

- Mentor Job Description - Programmatic Definition of Success - What Does it Take to Be a Mentor? - Guidelines for Mentors - CORI Request Form - Overcoming Relationship Pitfalls - Redefining Your Success

Prepared by Emily Daina Saras SSYP College and Career Program Coordinator Massachusetts Promise Fellow Class XV

ST. STEPHEN’S YOUTH PROGRAMS || 419 SHAWMUT AVENUE, BOSTON, MA 02118 || WWW.STSTEPHENSBOS.ORG/YOUTH-PROGRAMS-HOME

ST. STEPHEN’S YOUTH PROGRAMS COLLEGE AND CAREER PROGRAM, ACADEMIC YEAR 2013 – 2014 MENTOR JOB DESCRIPTION

October 31, 2013 ST. STEPHEN’S YOUTH PROGRAMS 419 Shawmut Ave Boston, Massachusetts 02118

MENTOR JOB DESCRIPTION The College and Career Program at St. Stephen’s aims to provide support, services, and opportunities for teens so that they can achieve positive, healthy, and productive outcomes in terms of academics, career, and personal goals that are right for their own developmental paths. One such service is the College and Career Mentoring Program, which connects volunteer mentors with high school students empowering teens to make positive life choices throughout their high school years that enable them to maximize their potential. The opportunity to be a mentor is a rich and rewarding experience that involves building personal connections and a relationship with a teen as they prepare for whatever post-secondary experiences may lie next. Mentors are caring adults who commit to one year of volunteer service at St. Stephen’s. They form supportive relationships with our teens, provide a safe space to ask questions about high school and post-secondary plans, and offer guidance through what is, for all teens, a time of transition and a test of their resiliency. The following responsibilities are attached to this position:

- Provide 1-on-1 advice and guidance for a mentee throughout the year by forming a supportive relationship with the teen.

- Participate in trainings in terms of building healthy relationships, striving for positive youth outcomes, cultural proficiency, and non-traditional post-secondary opportunities.

- Complete Safe Church training and CORI reports prior to working with teens. - Participate in mentor orientation, College and Career end-of-year celebration, and

two to three other mentor development opportunities throughout the year - Communicate with the mentee on a weekly basis via phone, text, Facebook, or email,

and report any issues with communication to Mentor Coaches as necessary. - Meet face-to-face with mentee two to four times per month, and more often as

necessary to support the mentee. - Help the teen access resources such as FAFSA and College Board sites, gap year and

service programs, and assist the teen with applications and paperwork. - Assist the mentee through transition and personal development throughout the year. - Regular check-ins with Assigned Mentor Coach to report up any critical issues

related to the mentoring process or the mentee’s health, wellbeing, and success.

Characteristics of a successful mentor include: Good listening skills, patience, strong sense of time management, strong management of expectations, enthusiasm, encouraging personality, openness and transparency, ability to set limits and boundaries, willingness to learn. *Bonus: agile thumbs with strong texting skills.

ST. STEPHEN’S YOUTH PROGRAMS || 419 SHAWMUT AVENUE, BOSTON, MA 02118 || WWW.STSTEPHENSBOS.ORG/YOUTH-PROGRAMS-HOME

ST. STEPHEN’S YOUTH PROGRAMS COLLEGE AND CAREER PROGRAM, ACADEMIC YEAR 2013 – 2014 PROGRAMMATIC DEFINITION OF “SUCCESS”

November 14, 2013 ST. STEPHEN’S YOUTH PROGRAMS 419 Shawmut Ave Boston, Massachusetts 02118 PROGRAMMATIC DEFINITION OF “SUCCESS” In the College and Career Program at St. Stephen's Youth Programs, we recognize and measure success in specific and inclusive terms. Success is the development--for each individual teen--of a productive, attainable, and financially feasible plan for professional and personal development after high school. Within the Mentoring Program, success is measured by a solid relationship between a mentor and a mentee that is firmly grounded in positive exchange and respect. A successful mentoring relationship grows through regular communication between the mentor and mentee, through which resources are shared, possibilities are nurtured, opportunities are explored, and decisions are made.

ST. STEPHEN’S YOUTH PROGRAMS || 419 SHAWMUT AVENUE, BOSTON, MA 02118 || WWW.STSTEPHENSBOS.ORG/YOUTH-PROGRAMS-HOME

ST. STEPHEN’S YOUTH PROGRAMS COLLEGE AND CAREER PROGRAM, ACADEMIC YEAR 2013 – 2014 PROGRAMMATIC DEFINITION OF “SUCCESS”

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE A MENTOR? Adapted from: A Handbook for Mentors Link: http://bit.ly/1aIv60D! Qualifications: A desire to work with and be accessible to a mentee Warmth, openness, and patience Willingness to listen Ability to set limits and respond to supervision Responsibilities: Serve as a friend, advocate, coach, and listener to mentee on personal, school, career, and other issues Meet and communicate regularly with mentee Participate in trainings, group events, and other activities Benefits: Giving and sharing your lifetime of experience Greater awareness of community resource and the needs of today’s teens Opportunity to have a positive impact within the community Forming a meaningful, mutually-beneficial relationship with a young person Mentor Roles Mentors assume various roles in their relationships with mentees. These roles overlap and change overtime. In successful relationships, the number of roles that a mentor takes on often increases as the relationship develops. Some of the roles you may assume are: • Teacher/trainer Providing learning opportunities and offering your experience as a guide • Positive role model Demonstrating exemplary behavior and offering values that will increase chances for success and happiness • Social supporter/guide Providing encouragement to the mentee as he or she embarks on new experiences • Resource supporter/advocate Speaking and acting on behalf of the mentee and helping the mentee access community resources • Challenger Encouraging the mentee to maximize his/her potential • Friend/companion Being consistently available and sincere; providing the mentee with a caring and unconditional friendship The roles you play at any given time are determined by the mentee’s needs, desires, and interests.

ST. STEPHEN’S YOUTH PROGRAMS || 419 SHAWMUT AVENUE, BOSTON, MA 02118 || WWW.STSTEPHENSBOS.ORG/YOUTH-PROGRAMS-HOME !

GUIDELINES FOR MENTORS Adapted from: A Handbook for Mentors Link: http://bit.ly/1aIv60D!

The primary goal of this project is to provide support to vulnerable mentees through the development of a meaningful relationship with an older adult. Overtime, your relationship will grow and trust will develop. Be reliable. Always try to visit your mentee when you say you will or call to cancel if there is a problem. Try not to break a date with your mentee. Trust is crucial in your relationship. Nothing undermines trust faster than broken appointments. Be consistent. Short, regular contacts can often accomplish more than long, irregular ones. Focus on your mentee. Your primary relationship is with the mentee. Avoid including the mentee’s family members except on rare occasions. Ask questions. Everyone involved in the project is part of a team. We can help each other and our mentee by asking questions. Praise your mentee. Take every opportunity to give positive feedback to your mentee. Be safety-minded. Be aware of your surroundings and dangers that may exist in your mentee’s environment. Use your imagination. Simple ideas are often the most fun and educational. Respect cultural differences. Your mentee and his/her family may embrace different traditions and values than you. Be open-minded and understanding. Set limits. Establish norms of proper conduct without being harsh. Feel free to reject unreasonable demands by your mentee. Discuss with him/her the basis of your differences. Include mentee in developing plans. Ask your mentee to share in making decisions about your joint activities. Encourage creativity from your mentee. Fill out all program forms in a timely manner. If you need help, ask your coordinator. Call the project staff for advice if a difficult situation arises. Keep your sense of humor!

Mentoring Resource CenterU.S. Department of Education !! Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools

MENTORING FACT SHEET

#10, July 2006

Congratulations on your decision to become amentor to a young person who needs your guid-ance and support! Mentoring is a rewarding andpositive experience for all involved, but it is notwithout its challenges. A mentoring relationship isunlike many of the others in your life—it is formallycreated and has a purposefulness that your friend-ships and family relations may not. Because men-toring relationships are unique, you will need someperspective and some helpful tips as you moveforward in your match.

Unlike many forms of volunteering—such as clean-ing up a neighborhood or helping with an event—the impact of mentoring is not seen immediately. Asone prominent researcher put it, “mentoring may bemore like the slow accumulation of pebbles thatsets off an avalanche than the baseball bat thatpropels a ball from the stadium.”1 Because men-toring relationships take time to gain momentum, itis critical that mentors have patience and the abilityto work through any difficult stretches. Matches thatlast longer have a greater chance of achieving pro-gram outcomes, while those that cannot get pastthose initial bumps in the road have the potential todo harm to the youth.2

The Match Life CycleMentors have an easier time getting through troublespots in their mentoring relationships if they under-stand the basics of the typical match “life cycle.” All

matches go througha similar set of upsand downs and youwill have an easiertime working withyour mentee andgetting appropriatesupport from staff ifyou know what toexpect.

The development ofany relationshipbetween two peopledepends on acomplex mix offactors, includingage, balance ofpower, roles andresponsibilities,frequency ofinteractions, andnatural bonds orlevel of commitmentinvolved. Relationships go through a series ofstages as they develop and evolve, from the firstmoments of sharing a common interest to the satis-faction of a fully developed friendship.

Formal, one-to-one mentoring relationships also gothrough a series of stages. Each mentoring rela-tionship begins, develops, changes, and evolves inunique ways. However, understanding the primarystages of mentoring relationships can help mentorsnurture their new friendships and deal more effec-tively with challenges that may come up along theway. In this discussion we identify four stages ofmentoring relationships: beginning, building, testing,and transition. This fact sheet focuses on the com-mon pitfalls encountered during the first three

Overcoming Relationship PitfallsWhen challenges arise in the mentoring relation-ship, remember:

A mentor is . . . A responsible and caringfriend A role modelA patient listenerAn advocateA nurturer of possibilities

A mentor is not . . . A counselor or socialworkerA parent or guardianA disciplinarianA party planner or moneymachineA savior

1 Darling, N. (2005). Mentoring adolescents. In D.L. DuBoisand M.J. Karcher (Eds.) Handbook of youth mentoring (p.182). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.2 Rhodes, J. E. (2002). Stand by me: The risks andrewards of mentoring today’s youth. Cambridge, MA:Harvard University Press.

MENTORING FACT SHEET

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stages of the relationship. Transition, a topic to beaddressed in a subsequent fact sheet, mostlyrefers to what happens as the mentoring relation-ship ends, something you are obviously trying toavoid as the relationship gets started.

Phase 1: BeginningEvery mentoring relationship has a beginningphase—including that first meeting—that is oftenthe source of much anticipation and sometimes alittle anxiety. When you ask a mentor or menteewhat makes him (or her) most nervous about thisphase, you’ll usually hear the same thing: “I hopehe likes me.”

What it feels like:

The beginning of any relationship is often awk-ward, and mentoring relationships are no excep-tion. Your first few months will focus on getting toknow each other, exploring similar interests, dis-cussing expectations, and starting to form normsand bonds that will shape the rest of your first yeartogether. It is during this phase that mentorsshould work with their mentees to set parametersfor the match, such as when to meet and for howlong, what kinds of activities will take place, andhow to contact each other.

Common pitfalls:

Mentors can get off on the wrong foot early onby making all the decisions rather than sharingthat job with their mentee. If you start off by callingall the shots, your mentee is more likely to closeup and be reluctant to share her thoughts. A goodfriendship is a partnership, and although it mayfeel harder to share decisionmaking with yourmentee, it’s more likely to build a strong relation-ship down the road. Spending time at your first fewmeetings brainstorming a few activities to do in thefuture can help break the ice and make the men-tee realize you value his opinions. If you can’tagree on activities, try taking turns picking withinthe guidelines established by your program.

Missed meetings are one of the most commonpitfalls for new relationships. Every missed meet-

ing means less time you have to build your friend-ship. Many young people have not yet developedstrong organizational skills, so you may need tohelp them learn how to keep track of your meet-ings. Parents and guardians can also negativelyaffect scheduled meetings, especially if they havenot bought into the program or do not understandthe significance of consistent meetings. If possible,call your mentee the evening before a meeting,have him write down the next meeting in a schoolnotebook or planner, and establish a routine foryour meetings so they are easier to remember.Make sure the mentee knows how to reach you ifhe must break a date, either by calling you directlyor by contacting the mentoring program.

Mentors should also be sure never to miss ameeting without notifying the mentee in advance.Because many of the youth who come to mentor-ing programs have a history of rocky relationshipswith adults, it is crucial that they do not get “stoodup” by their mentor. If you are unable to meet,contact your mentee or the program immediatelyand reschedule the meeting time. Everyone knowsthings come up from time to time, but mentoringresearch tells us that consistency of meetings is akey to youth success.3

Another common issue mentors report early in thematch is that the mentee will not “open up” ortalks very little. This can be frustrating for mentors,who may see their mentee’s reserve as a sign ofboredom, ambivalence, or even dislike for thementor. In fact, it’s much more likely that the men-tee is simply not yet comfortable with the mentorand is guarded about expressing thoughts or shar-ing personal information during conversations.Many youth have good reason not to trust everynew adult who enters their life, and any attempt topush them to open up can have the opposite effect.

A few conversation techniques may help break thesilence and help engage your mentee in produc-tive, stress-free conversations. Start by finding anactivity that you both enjoy doing. If you are in a

3 Sipe, C.L. (1996). Mentoring: A synthesis of P/PV’sresearch: 1988–1995. Philadelphia, PA: Public/PrivateVentures.

school-based setting, choose an activity that willstimulate discussion, such as a board game or acollaborative art project, or see if you can use theschool gym to shoot baskets and use the time totalk about your favorite sports heroes. You willsoon begin to develop common conversationthreads that can be revived for future match meet-ings. Try to frame your questions so that yourmentee will have to provide more than a yes or noanswer. For example: “Do you like doing art?” islikely to get a yes or no response. In contrast, “I’mnot so good at drawing, but I like using clay. Whatkinds of artwork do you like doing?” will elicit amore indepth answer. Beginning questions withphrases such as what, who, when, where, andwhy is a tried and true way to encourage conver-sation. Be patient—your mentee may never havehad an adult in his life who wants to sit and talk orwho truly cares about what he has to say.

Program staff often report that a common earlypitfall occurs when mentors expect too much toosoon in a mentoring relationship. Mentors vol-unteer to work with youth because they have adesire to see positive change in that youngperson; however, research tells us that positivechange is most likely to occur when a youth feelssupported by a friend rather than pushed tochange a behavior. Instead of having high expec-tations for your ability to change your mentee, takethe time to find out who he is. Your mentee needsto know that you appreciate him for who he is, notwho you think he should be. By initially keepingthings light in your interactions with your mentee,you will show him that you are there to supporthim unconditionally and you will discover the manystrengths he already has.

Phase 2: Building Now that you have been matched with your men-tee for a couple of months, the relationship is start-ing to build momentum and trust. The awkward-ness of the first few months has passed and thefriendship is really starting to develop. This phaseof the relationship involves deepening your friend-ship and the experiences you are sharing.

MENTORING FACT SHEET

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What it feels like:

At this stage you and your mentee are learningmore about each other as you both open up, andyou are starting to understand what really makesyour mentee “tick.” You may both feel more com-fortable disclosing the type of information thatbuilds trust and understanding among friends. Nowthat you have been meeting for a while you haveestablished routines and rituals for your match, andyou may have found shared interests that youreally enjoy doing together. As a mentor, you mayfeel like you are ready to help your mentee setsome goals and focus your activities on helpingher achieve them.

Common pitfalls:

During this phase your mentee may start tobecome dependent on your support and caring.You may be getting more calls at home or work,requests for additional meeting times, or invitationsto attend unapproved activities, such as a sister’sbirthday party. While it’s great that your menteetrusts you and seeks your advice and attention, youneed to set or reinforce the boundaries that werelaid out in the beginning of the match to avoid hurtfeelings on her part and resentment or discomforton your own. When setting boundaries with yourmentee be honest with how the behavior affectsyou. Use “I” statements and your own feelings asthe basis for the discussion. “I care about you andam happy you feel comfortable calling me whenyou want to talk. But I feel overwhelmed when youcall me every day at work. It would be better for meif you can call me at home in evening or on week-ends.” Give your mentee a chance to express herfeelings, too, and use these conversations toremind her about when and how you can be part ofher life, and to find out if there are any specificthings that are concerning her.

Once your mentee does open up to you, you mayhear a lot about the problems and issues she facesin her life. It is not uncommon for mentors to feeloverwhelmed by the problems or circumstancestheir mentee is facing. You may feel that youhave to try to “fix” your mentee’s life, that youneed to be a counselor or social worker in order to

really make a difference. In these situations,remember the information and advice you receivedin your mentor training about your role as a men-tor. As a friend and champion of your mentee, youcan do a lot to make your mentee feel better aboutherself and her situation. But many of the youth inthe program are there because they come fromtough situations, and your mentoring program staffcan help locate professional help for mentees andfamilies facing serious difficulties. If your mentee isunloading her problems on you on a regular basis,talk to your program staff about getting some extrahelp. And always alert program staff immediately ifyou believe your mentee is in danger.

Mentors may also start to feel underappreci-ated by their mentee at this stage of the relation-ship. Often mentors feel that they are giving up alot of their time and energy and are never thankedfor their efforts. Don’t expect to be thanked foryour dedication by your mentee. Most menteesdon’t have the maturity to thank their mentors nordo they even realize until years later the impacttheir mentor had on them. Sometimes it is a shy-ness issue; she may talk highly of you with pro-gram staff or other youth but feel embarrassed toexpress her feelings directly. Your mentee may nottell you, but she appreciates you more than eitherof you know. Try modeling courteous behaviorwhen you are with her and tell her how much youappreciate her.

During this phase you may also encounter someboundary issues with parents, especially in pro-grams that are community-based and contact withother family members is more frequent. Sometimesthe mentee’s family may begin asking for favors orassistance, such as asking you to take a youngersibling with you on an outing. You may get invited tofamily gatherings, and your mentee’s parent maywant to spend hours talking to you about her child’slife. You may find it hard to refuse such requests,but it is important for mentors to set clear bounda-ries with parents just as they do with their mentee.As with other boundary issues, ask your matchsupport staff for help, and encourage parents tocontact the program for assistance if they needsome additional resources for themselves or otherchildren in the family.

Phase 3: TestingOnce the mentoring relationship is off the ground,it is normal for your mentee to start testing bounda-ries of the relationship. Though you’ve spent timeaffirming that you appreciate and enjoy your men-tee, he may still want to see how far your commit-ment really goes. Because mentees often comefrom situations in which adults can’t always berelied on, trusting another adult is difficult for them,and they may even try to sabotage the relationshipby “acting out.”

What it feels like:

This can be a confusing time for mentors, espe-cially if the testing occurs after a period of trust-building and increasing rapport with the mentee.When your “perfect” mentee starts missingappointments, shows resentment, tries to get awaywith things, or has a hostile or sullen attitude, it’seasy to take their behavior personally. You mayfeel that your mentee is avoiding you or does notlike you anymore.

Common pitfalls:

It’s natural for mentors to respond to this testingphase by feeling less interested in continuingthe relationship. Your mentee is making you feelless competent and you may begin to doubt yourability to make a difference in your mentee’s life.This is a time when some matches fail, so it’simportant to recognize the testing behavior forwhat it is: a signal that your mentee wants you to“prove” that you are committed to the relationship.

Rather than taking your mentee’s behavior person-ally, remember that it has nothing to do with you,but rather is a manifestation of his fear of beingrejected one more time by one more adult. Stickby your mentee through this tough time and con-tinue to reaffirm your commitment to the relation-ship. Reinforce the limits and boundaries you’veestablished, if needed, but be sure to find new andongoing ways to show your mentee that you thinkthey are capable. Sometimes, testing can be asignal of other issues that are going on in yourmentee’s life, so be sure to keep the communica-tion doors open.

MENTORING FACT SHEET

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Seek Out the Help When Needed

Any time that your mentee exhibits a period ofchallenging behavior, seek help from your programstaff to get guidance and support. They may beaware of other issues in the mentee’s life thatcould be contributing to the problem, and they canaccess school or community resources to help.Talking with other mentors about your experiencescan also be helpful—it’s likely they have experi-enced similar issues and may have some helpfultips. Get the help and support you need to getthrough the rough spots and keep working towardyour mentee’s goals.

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Quick Tips for Getting the Help You Need

Attend ongoing training offered by the program andoffer ideas for additional training

Take advantage of the ideas, suggestions, andsupport of other mentors in the program

Actively participate during check-in phone callsand/or mentor support groups

Honestly report how your match is going duringcheck-in calls and on match logs

Don’t be afraid to contact program staff for anyreason at any time

Ask program staff to make contact with parents orguardians if needed

Educate yourself about issues that face yourmentee

Remember that asking for help from program staffis a sign that you care about your mentee and arefinding the best ways to make your relationshipsuccessful

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Handbook for Mentors, by Sharyl Adams (Communities inSchools of Chesterfield, 1998).*

“Learn To Mentor” Online Training, by The NationalMentoring Partnership (MENTOR). (A resource page fornew mentors, including an online tutorial and a list ofactivity links. Available online at: http://www.mentoring.org/mentors/support/index.php).

Mentoring Answer Book, by Cyndi Klapperich (McHenry,IL: Big Brothers Big Sisters of McHenry County, 2002).*

Mentoring for Meaningful Results: Asset-Building Tips,Tools, and Activities for Youth and Adults, by K. Probst(Minneapolis, MN: Search Institute, 2006).*

Stand by Me: The Risks and Rewards of MentoringToday’s Youth, by J.E. Rhodes (Cambridge, MA: HarvardUniversity Press, 2002).*

Training Guide for Mentors, by Jay Smink (NationalDropout Prevention Center, 1999).*

*Available to your program from the Mentoring ResourceCenter Lending Library at http://www.edmentoring.org/lending_library.html

The Mentoring Fact Sheet is published by:U.S. Department of Education Mentoring Resource Center771 Oak Avenue Parkway, Suite 2Folsom, CA 95630 MRC Hotline: 1 (877) 579-4788, fax: (916) 983-6693 E-mail: [email protected] Web: http://www.edmentoring.org

This publication was funded by the Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools at the U.S.Department of Education under contract number ED04CO0091/0001 with EMT Associates,Inc. The contracting officer’s representative was Bryan Williams. The content of this publi-cation does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the U.S. Department of Education,nor does the mention of trade names, commercial products or organizations imply endorse-ment by the U.S. government. This publication also contains hyperlinks and URLs for infor-mation created and maintained by private organizations. This information is provided for thereader’s convenience. The U.S. Department of Education is not responsible for controlling orguaranteeing the accuracy, relevance, timeliness, or completeness of this outside information.Further, the inclusion of information or a hyperlink or URL does not reflect the importance ofthe organization, nor is it intended to endorse any views expressed, or products or servicesoffered.