MaryJane , we turned 14 years old this month. We are ...themaryjane.com/uploads/3/4/0/5/34055473/2003_letter.pdf · 1 1 MaryJane, we turned 14 years old this month.We are growing

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MaryJane, we turned 14 years old this month. We are growing UP. Recently we proudly announced the birth of our offspring, naming it WWW.MJMIICGT.COM This dutiful project of our own DotComBob (nee Baby Bob Day), (funded by [email protected]), came with a price, however … that being that 45 grown adults had to lay down on Day Three and allow Daddy Don Day to cop the championship (and its nifty new jacket … size 44 regular)…(Should any of your readers plan to try and fit into this jacket in the future, remember: it’s a 44 regular)(a couple of “them” are not)… ($4.79, actual retail price) (Lovingly decorated by your very own daughter, Saralee) I would agree that this sounds like sour grapes, MaryJane, but look at the evidence: Randy Kelsey … first place after 2 rounds … a LOFTY on day three Steve Wheeler … tied for the lead after 2 days … a net 79 on day three DotComBob Day … 102 on day 1 Loving son Minnesota Tom … 41st place Kim Newman … in the hunt … killing us in the Mister Putz competition after 2 days … (what did I say?)… Three putts on hole 2, day three …(that’s more like it)… loses to Daddy Don by 2 shots Need I say more? … Bill Finley? … Had a chance … Jeff Hovanec? … Same for him

But, truth be told, while Daddy Don (bemused,

left and clad, right) was “flushed” with his own success, he suggested that, perhaps, Vi’s Pizza was not up to his standards for a Champion’s Dinner (his dad, you know, played at Augusta). We will check it out and let you know,

next year, how that item worked out. Maybe this will all work out in the end “to the benefit of the rest us”. Other than that bit of chicanery, (the website is a beauty, MaryJane, a real pip!), we had a very “UP”lifting time at this years event. For example, Bob Livingston was the very essence of a struggling golfer as he managed to perfectly time his utterance of the phrase “Looked UP” with the striking of the golf ball (this is found in the USGA Rules of Golf (1988 edition) under “Hacker Syndrome”)

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John Hovanec, Senior, was seen to happily “Pay UP” at the nightly dinner Dick Moberg was found wondering how we talked him into deciding to “Show UP” (he developed a payment problem, you see … as he “won” that competition) Mike Allen’s joints gave out and he was unable to “Stand UP”, but in fairness to Mike, it was observed that he did seem to “Shut UP” Doc Walton got into his car in Orlando and decided to “Drive UP” Ed UPton’s temporary bride required a “Blow UP”… (thanks, Minnesota Tom) And, sad to say, Ben Wheeler double-“UPPED” … on the one hand he “Cleaned UP” … but, alas, he also “Picked UP” As for the “Pick-UP”, a bit of an explanation is in order, (although it is likely that only two of your fellow readers, MaryJane, will have a clue as to the reference, (those two being Livingston and Thorburn.)). The explanation: We look to get people from new states each year, as you know. This year we ended up with an uninvited guest from Missouri, (from St. Louis, strangely enough), named Don Deckinger, who morphed himself into the Golfmeister and showed up at the Shoot-Out. Not only that, but he managed to morph Dane Iorg into Ben Wheeler. (NOTE: In 1985 … World Series … 9

th inning, game 6 … in St. Louis, St. Louis ahead in the game and

ahead 3 games to 2 in the series … Umpire Deckinger called Kansas City base runner Iorg safe at first …

the rest of the planet disagreed with Deckinger’s call, but it stood … Iorg went on to score the winning run,

the Cards lost the game, and eventually the series.) Note: We have taken the necessary precautions, MaryJane to insure that Deckinger will not be with us next year. But let’s get back to our UPlifting report, because the highlight of our deal this year was our witnessing of Ned (or was it Ed) UPton’s part time marriage to the fair Bambi. She was a precocious bride, although a bit of an airhead and admittedly bottom heavy. But with her Ring Bearer and Made of Honor (Danielle Nightingale), she was the picture of a Range Bride. Ed (or was it Ned?), sportingly attired in his formal beanie and clean jeans, looked proud as a New Yawkah could be. And the subsequent reception in Eveleth was just a delight, although the “Tuna salad” seemed to be “just a bit off”, as Bob Uecker might say. The only sad thing to say is that Bill OBrien didn’t make it. I guess he just didn’t give an “UP”. There was more to this year’s event, MaryJane, than a staged victory and a delightful party, there was work to be done … there were miles to be walked … (by half of us) … games to be played … bets to be paid…

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Let’s start with the previously noted DotComBob, aka Bob Day … who on the one hand managed to shoot 6 birdies (second to Ben’s 8) … and at the same time qualified for LOFTY status. I did not personally witness it, MaryJane, but I understand that “brutal” was the relevant adjective … (perhaps his excitement upon learning that his website construction bid had been accepted by The Committee was enough to get him off his game) … in any event, we don’t know yet if he is a real golfer or a virtual golfer. Kim “Happy Days” Newman, though, is definitely a real golfer … played 24 hours one day … won the Captain Morgan Open (a match within our match) … (it is a global event) … (or is that a Glo-Ball event) … As noted above, Kim came in second … and with a complete lack of charity, Kim, on Labor Day Week managed to blow off Jerry’s Kids … (not meaning to confuse the Jerry Lewis MS Telethon with what we do, but our own band of Jerry’s Kids (i.e. Jerry Eastep) are the annual backers of Kim’s efforts in the Long-Drive Contest) (it’s kind of like having our own Newman Club)… But you learn a lot about us (and Kim, I suppose), MaryJane, when you consider who Jerry’s Kids are? Jay Larson! The Brickhouse! Billy Finley! Jim Hovanec! Tony Strupeck! as well as Gray Hartley and Mike Soucy. And The Long Drive Contest itself shows us other character traits. Each of the Little Days, Bob and Minnesota Tom, bet on one another … (how sweet!)… (we assume that they planned to pool their winnings) Fifteen, yes, fifteen, Weenies bet on Ben Wheeler (who did not disappoint, with another 290 yard effort … on line) … and these 15 “gamblers” picked up a fast $7 apiece… Doc Walton, had a backer in the Long Drive … (yeah! Bruce Walton, the new guy from Florida!) … Livingston bet him … This was really surprising since Livingston does very well at these side games of chance … he must have misunderstood the wager and figured that driving from Orlando to Eshquaguma would be a winner in the Long Drive Contest … (sorry, Livvy, but that lame joke was used up in 1994) Livingston … must have bought his golf balls at The Gladiator … they were all marked XXX … 40 handicap… had five pars and one birdie on day 1 … (with zero (0) greens in regulation) … returned to reality on days 2 and 3… And Thorburn had 3 backers … including both the Golfmeister (Bob Magnuson) and the Hostmeister (John Hovanec), (along with Jeff Hovanec)

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Now I noted above, Maryjane, that there was some question about Daddy Don Day’s golfing skills, i.e. how did THAT GUY sneak up on us this way? …even avoiding any sanctions for improper score-keeping on Leon Boyd’s card. We don’t know exactly what transpired, but we do know this: on day 2 … “Triple D” (DDD) is keeping Leon Boyd’s scorecard … shows him with a 2 on the par 4 11th hole. Well, I want you to know that this put the scoring tent into turmoil. They remembered all of the problems we had with Tony Strupeck’s alleged eagle back in the mid 90’s … Thank god we were able to get to Boyd before he became associated with the infamy of an “alleged eagle” and sort out the facts (he just birdied the hole, but for good measure, then went on and birdied the 12th.) Back to Jerry’s Kids …

The Brickhouse (you know him as Brykofsky, but we can never remember how to spell that) did great on day 1 … net 65 … but then he went and lost his Driver in Eveleth … our very own Kim had to help him out … what more do you need or want to know … net 81 and 79 …28th place…. And to make matters worse, Steve was “sentenced” to spend as much time in Counting School (MaryJane counting, not that Dewey Decimal crap) until he learns that hole 8 follows hole 7, hole 9 follows

hole 8, and hole 1 follows hole 9. Everyone else seemed to pick that up, but Steve apparently chose to follow his own little drummer. Birthday Boy Bill Finley (FYI: 53) came to play. His game was pretty good (4th place). But he proved himself most notable for being a Gentleman’s Gentleman. He volunteered his good name to serve as Dave Hill’s “Designated Swearer”. Seems that Dave not only missed a super short putt of value, but Dave committed the dreaded “Double Hit” on an easy chip shot. Finley was amazed when Dave, BOTH TIMES, remembered Ed Upton’s suggestion that we all try and “delete the expletives” this year. But golf is golf. Language is part of the deal. Nevertheless, generous churchgoer that he is, Bill truly wanted to pinch hit for Dave and rip off a few choice ones. Like I say, he was a real gentleman. Note: Dave declined the offer. Finished 19th. Counted all the strokes. But I suppose that we knew that would be the case, given that he won the award for being the straightest guy among us. To gain that distinction he snuffed out Paul Camarote’s early lead in the hole 1 day 2 Straight Drive Contest, and held on to win the title (and pocket the sign before the Brickhouse foursome got to it). His tee shot was two (2) feet from the line. Good to have him back this year.

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Jay Larson was another of Jerry’s Kids. A shy lad. Soft spoken. Iron Range (Hibbing) stock. Wood-worker. Fence-splitter. Non-golfer (although he did manage a top-30 finish) Jay’s evil twin, however, was the one who showed up, disappointed to learn that he would not be able to hook up again with his idol, Bill O’Brien. In Bill’s absence Jay gamely showed us what he has learned from our past master of golf course banter. Accordingly, he claimed to have a blister and hitched a ride with Denny. Think about that: in his first year Larson meets O’Brien and can’t stop laughing. He comes back and ends up on a cart with Denny. Now he knows “more than he cares to know” about “several personal items”… (We like Sue’s (Denny’s wife) term for it … TMI … (Too Much Information)). And then at the Upton wedding reception in Eveleth, Jay absolutely amazed us with a voice that can be heard clearly above the din of a “Proper Range Bar”. Loud and clear as a bell. Unfortunately, there was one minor problem. He had nothing to say. But we understand that he called his wife on his cell phone. We are sure that she was thrilled to get that cheery little ring-a-ding. And then there was Jerry’s Kid Jim Hovanec. This Kid had it all … ran the gamut. Day one? He was a LOFTY. He sowed his seed, so to speak. Day 2? Was on the winning team (with DotComBob) in the Friday best ball. Got his seed money back. Day 3? Reaped his crop, as he and John Horn destroyed the field with a best ball score of 54! … And then in his “spare” time Jim attended to the ribs. We had no “beef” about this year’s “pork” ribs. (The reference here has to do with some confusion between the Brothers Hovanec, Jim and John, as to what we actually ate… beef ribs or pork ribs) … As always, the final product of the Texas Barbecue’s annual usage was superb … a wonderful part of our tradition. Our final two members of the Jerry’s Kid contingent were Mike Soucy and Gray Hartley. Soucy flew in from Hong Kong sporting a handicap of 30 (don’t you just love that?) and slithered on back to Hong Kong with a handicap of 32. It would appear that our re-gripping of his hand-me-down clubs didn’t help his situation. But the fact that Mike ended up as a bubble-boy on his way to a 38th place finish put a few American Dollars in the pockets of the rest of us. But Mike was nothing if not a kibitzer at our daily computer lab exercise. And therefore, come next year, we will witness the introduction of a computer program that works, and works easily. All thanks to Mike. … winner of this year’s distinguished “Put Up

or Shut Up Award”…. Gray, meanwhile, was a regular workhorse. The man behind the scenes who kept the beer wagon stocked, and carted this, that, and the next thing to here, there, and everywhere. Golf? Along with Eastep, Moberg, and Minnesota Tom Day, he failed to get into the Top 40. (That’s an interesting foursome … we wonder what their alibis might be). But Gray did not make the Non-Top 40 until after the event. In our post-audit (yes, Virginia, there is an audit) … we found a teeny-weeny discrepancy on Gray’s card for day 3. A mere 10 shots off … but the 10 shots made a difference … and revealed that Dick Moberg and Brian Harju were not LOFTies on day 3, and thus were entitled to getting a refund of their $40 LOFTY payments. (at last notice, MaryJane, the checks, I was told, “were in the mail”).

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When we mention Brian Harju, we should note that he was a first time MaryJaner who had a legitimate shot at the title. … he showed us that “it could be done” … all by being properly trained. It seems that the Golfmeister pulled Brian’s name in the Champion Calcutta that was run at Vi’s Pizza on Wednesday night… The G.M. put Brian into an immediate training regimen, i.e. a high carb diet consisting only of beer … in sufficient quantity to produce a 114 first day score. He then eased off the beer and watched Brian bring it down to a 104 on day two. At that point the G.M. put Brian on an orange juice diet. However, it appeared that the O.J. was off-color … It appeared to have been mixed with “something”. Bottom line … day 3 = 112 …finishes in 21st place … and he “coulda been a contendah” … (but I suppose that we did not really want a champion who does not know the words to the Star Spangled Banner … (Brian dropped that “pop-up” at our Friday night “trivia” game/ wedding)) But Brian’s 21st place finish bested his dad (Randy)’s 25th place result. And they did share in a distinction. They were Father and Son LOFTies. It is possible that that is a first time occurance. But catch this. They then went over to Giants Ridge and played the Legends course. The Legends? Mr.21st and Mr.25th? What were they thinking? And we also wonder what Tim “the Jokeman” Dyrhaug is thinking. Do you suppose that he has known all along that the G.M. failed to identify him as a LOFTY on day 2? Has he been fearing this post-event revelation? What does he think we will do? (No fear, Tim, our post-audit is a one-way street … you can beat the system, but the system can’t beat you)… More about Tim: the man has an “edge” that you do not clearly see. Wednesday. Black Bear. Tim gets pissed at the course. Plants his club solidly INTO a tree. Sunday. Time to go home. (Tim has ended up in 40th place). Tim is supposed to pick up Denny. Screw Denny. (Note: Tim finally showed up). The point? Remember this and put it to music: “Don’t Mess With

Tim”. While on the topic of the bottom feeders, Magnuson and Nightingale were down there. Our former champion rode home in the number 37 car. But here was his side of it: “Heck, I was getting so much “Free” advice from Doc Walton (re my putting line) and the rest, that I just couldn’t play my own game. And then they went and lynched me on Thursday night (regarding my assistance of “Swing a Lot” Livingston) and rejected my obviously good appeal which was based on the clear legal precedent that “MaryJane rules supersede anything that exists in the Official Rules of Golf (1988 edition)”. And then they put me on the golf course in front of Kim Newman one day and Tony Strupeck the next (both of whom considered me fair game for their long artillery off of the tee) … Hey! I never had a friggin’ chance!!” Meanwhile, Denny, (our own Rush Limbaugh wannabe), gave Larson an earful (noted above), and tied Mastel, John Hovanec, John Newsome, and Doc Walton for 30th place. In addition Denny, our original Mister Putz (8 putts in 2000) almost doubled that with 15 putts this year. (He had 1 of our three 4 putts on the hole … Pete Houghton(!!) was one of the others…)But Denny gave us our money’s worth when he stood up for the air-head Bambi that Ed (or is it Ned) Upton married and played the part of her Made of Honor … If you were there, you know what I mean … if you were not, then “you missed a good one”. (See p.2) Long-lost John Newsome came back … turned himself in, in response to one of our “Lost” posters that were scattered around the course. And then found out that some things never change. Case in point: John

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signs up for the Putt-Putt Match Play event. Gives the cashier his bet. The cashier then, however, has to give his “cheater” reading glasses to the Golfmeiseter … who in turn has given his “cheaters” to Eastep so as to run the computer (we aint talkin’ about clear eyed teen-agers here, MaryJane) … As a result, when it is time to call Newsome, the Cashier (John Hovanec) can’t read the board and calls Kim Newman … Newsome doesn’t get to play … Kim doesn’t win (and thus share the pot) … and Newsome doesn’t get his bet back … vintage MaryJane, MaryJane … (try and find that scenario handled in The Rules of Golf (1988 edition), Judge Wheeler) … It was fun having John back … and we noted that one other thing has not changed… his scores …one of our steadiest players ever … if it is below 105, or above 108, double check the math !!! Speaking of “checking the math” … let’s have “a group hug” for the Senior Hovanec … how great is this …he is 82 years old … (DotComBob, we figure, is about 22) … he shoots 112/111/112 … (DotComBob shoots 102 on day 1) …beats lots of guys …but here is the problem … the damn Golfmeister keeps dipping into his pocket …year in… year out … like a fine Swiss watch … Pickles and Frankie (the Grand Rapids enforcers) can’t handle the job anymore … what is Senior to do?? Seems to me that 110’s are pretty decent, all things considered … and the Golfmeister is from the Northeast (whadda ya gonna expect) … Hang in there John … you are important to us As noted above the Class of ‘30 also included Doc Walton (that sounds about right)… Sent to us as a 17 handicap … returned by us as an 18 handicap … That’s damned good when you consider that only 16 of us have lower handicaps and only 2 of us have older birth certificates… but the Doc is a Cleveland kid … maybe that plays a role … or maybe the fact that “Arnie” from Bay Hill (whoever the heck Arnie is) is “a close personal friend” is the key … or maybe the fact that this guy can honestly read the greens (honest, the guy is great !!!) is the genus of the answer…. Now the car that brought Eastep (41st place), Walton (30th place), and Horn (21st place), also contained Shoot-Out entrant Ron Frederick, who finished in 3rd place (net) … and 2nd place (gross) … and on top of that won the Closest To The Pin Competition (5 feet) on the 54th hole…. In addition he went on a spending spree when the Stroke Savers went on sale, staking a claim to the Use of The Red Tee cards (it has to do with getting on the par 5’s in two)(..we don’t know if he did it, but that is the theory). But the word was that despite all of Ron’s ability, his playing partner, the Hostmeister, John Hovanec, intimidated him. Ron went so far as to put out a contract on John. Hired Dan “The Rifleman” Reed to do it. And Dan did it. Sniping out of the right rough, he caught John, over in the left rough, flush with a Tour Accuracy ball. Net result? John shot a net 83 (a LOFTY, you betcha). Mission accomplished. But why the Frederick vendetta? Jeez, Ron, there are simpler ways to get John off of his game… trust us … a little bit of Captain Morgan Rum, with a splash of coke, …or a couple of Suffering Bastards … and he can mail in his $40. (By the way, Ron, regarding Friday night’s trivia game … Vermont was not one of the original 13 states. But that’s okay … because neither was Maine…. But don’t worry about that, because your Florida answer was also incorrect)(Answer me this, Iowa native… what were those Iowa Reading Tests all about?) But maybe Ron inadvertently ended up confusing “The Rifleman”. It seems that Dan Reed observed Ron hitting off the Red (Weenie) tees. Dan also noted a technicality that allows certain marginal performers the right to use them on a case by case basis. While we know that Rich Sells was the only prior actor to claim this privilege (Sells was subsequently convinced that manliness comes before godliness) , it sounds as

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though Dan was unchallenged by his foursome and disgraced his family name. And for what? Did he win? No … Does he look good in his wig? … You be the judge (see page 2) ... but, Dan, remember this, people who pay for the Red Tee Cards and use them are just Smart Moneymen … people who just look to use freebie loopholes for their own gain, in this case, are classified in The Rules of Golf (1988 Edition) as “Weeeeeeeenies”. Having covered Eastep, Frederick, and Walton, let us observe their chauffeur’s (John Horn) performance this year. He coasted for rounds one and two, but then had a “lights out” best ball game with day 3 partner Jim Hovanec. It was all strategy. There they are on hole 16 … par 5 … two more holes to go. John stubs a tee shot and Jim sends one far … but “just a tad” right. Now, normally you don’t “waste” a Shapiro on a par 5. But John figured that this was the time. He must have been psychic. He pars that hole, for a net 4, while Jim sets out from “a tad” right to “a lot” left (off of a garage, to be exact) and then proceeds to totally implode on the hole and put a 10 on the scorecard. A five shot variance. They won by 3.

It’s all in the management style, I guess. Knowing when to take your best shot. Pete Houghton knew the secret to avoiding garages, and other out of bounds destinations. (Kim Newman taught it to him, Kim having previously perfected it a couple of years ago). Accordingly, Pete’s clubhouse destined tee shot in

round one of The Shoot-Out, a) hit the telephone cable that stretches over the green b) dropped on the green … and c), of course, was three putted. Now, while Pete picked up his annual award of PreparationH … (the topical cure for anal irritation)… (this year he got MaryJane’s own specialized PreparationH (containing a 100 % mixture of Icy Hot)(ouch!!) …for being our low gross scorer (at 229)… it was Pete’s putting that confused us. He handily won the Putt-Putt Match Play event on Thursday, only to go out and 4 putt hole number 2 on Friday (and come in next to last, overall, in the Mister Putz Competition). He made a few birdies (4 for the week) , but all in all the minority reaction is that perhaps Pete is starting “to come back to the pack”. “We’ll get him next year! … or the year after, for sure”. (I am not exactly sure as to which of our resident idiots is liable for that ridiculous theory) Speaking of our Shoot-Out guys, what the heck happened to Jim Newman? Picture perfect out of the sand (literally) in 2002, he could have filled a friggin’ sand bucket this year. Lost the Shoot-Out in the final. But here’s the question… last year his lady friend was a spectator at The Shoot-Out…. Not so this year, as all we saw was her dad’s golf cart … Was that the problem? … Or was he just a bit off of his concentration while trying to figure out how rounds of 79 and 79 on days 1 and 2 … gross 79’s mind you … netted him a grand total of $1 in winnings?…

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There is a bit of a pack mentality at this event, MaryJane. The Horn/Walton/Eastep Frederick entourage … the Days … the Wheeler and Hovanec clans … and then, of course, the Allen Assortment of Mike Allen, Paul Camarote, Tony Strupeck, and Tom Walsh. Paul Camarote is a jovial guy (always referred to as Joe Pesce, for reference purposes)… but what do you suppose he says to his wife when he gets home … “Hello, dear, I am home and we are going back on our budget”? Or “Sweets, please promise me that you wont let me go next year, no matter how much I beg”? Or “Wow, what a great bunch of guys!!! ... Got to save up, so that I can afford to go back next year” Paul also produced one of the more curious scorecards that we have ever seen. On day 1, his scorecard for the first 9 holes included a 3, a 4, a 5, a 6, a 7, an 8, a 9, and a 10! It’s perhaps for the better that we have a 10-stroke limit per hole. Now Paul is a far better golfer than he lets on. Heck this year, he was the only guy other than Dave Hill to get any consideration in the Straight Drive contest…. And he never four-putted the 2nd/11th green … and he bet on Ben Wheeler on the long drive contest … all in all a nice bunch of building blocks to help him in the future … And Tony really is a golfer, despite the fact that he missed out on defending his Shoot-Out championship as a result of his 5th place, gross, finish (only the top four qualify). Shot two 81’s followed by a 79… Not bad, eh, Paul? … Nice smooth swing … balanced finish … So why can’t he teach Allen and Walsh what the deal is? … Tom Walsh spends a significant part of his spare time “driving” (that is his “retirement job”)… so that can’t be the problem … seems to us that a lesson or two from Tony regarding his short game is all that is missing? How about it, Tony? Tom only took 10 putts in the Mister Putz event (8 won) … so that’s not the problem … Yeah, Tony, it’s the short game. Give him a hand. He’s a nice guy and we don’t want to overly discourage him. As for Mike Allen … he brought back old memories of the days when we had paying spectators at your event, MaryJane (Roger Hauge – 1995) … maybe we should restore the tradition: $40 fee to come and watch … $10 kickback if you are still there on day 2, and another $10 if you are there on Day 3, no carryovers. But it seems that Mike has “golfed out” some important golfing joints, i.e. his knees and his hips. Join the crowd, Mike, and go and get some new ones. Did wonders for The Senior Hovanec. Besides: if you’re not driving up here, how the heck are we going to gain access to Walsh’s and Camarote’s wallets? And furthermore, as we recall, whenever you have goosed your handicap (your thumb vs. the wood-splitter fiasco of 1995 comes to mind, i.e. playing golf without use of one thumb doesn’t work for you), you have come back to do very well the next year. (1996 Champion) In the current example, the plate is set … all you have to do is “execute” the fix. Which leads us to Bruce Fillips… also a 9-finger player… for the 2nd time … but here is the difference … Bruce incapacitates inconsequential fingers … and thus managed to gain the crown of Mister Putz (he won the tiebreaker with Finley and Art Mastel by having the highest handicap of the 3).

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And Bruce also made good use of one of our new and improved Stroke Savers. Seems that he read the fine print and realized that he could use that 9 hole putting Stroke Saver in the Mister Putz competition. Invoked it after “not needing it” on Saturday trip one to the 2nd green, thus insuring no worse than an 8 putt cumulative score. But let it be known that Bruce was the guy who “ratted out” the G.M. on Thursday re that hokum charge of “aiding and abetting a golfer who was not his partner”. And then conned Judge Steve into involvement in the gig. Are these guys nuts? Out to win battles rather than wars? And spotting the G.M. one year to come up with a rebuttal? Although you might want to think about what Steve Wheeler did this year. A judge. Ramsey County. Running an acey-deucy game of chance. In public. And then performing the legal joining of two “unnatural” partners. Dunno…. He’s got guts… And he also played good golf. Finished 6th. How do you suppose the rest of us would do, MaryJane, if we just went out and played with a 5 iron, a wedge, and a putter? (to those of you who have never noticed, Steve carries his clubs … but does not carry very many of them.) Historically, our family units seldom enjoy a shared success. But as Jim joined Steve and Ben on the winner side of the balance sheet, The Wheelers enjoyed “the perfect family outing”. Both Jim (on Saturday)(with Tim Dyrhaug) and Steve (on Friday)(with Randy Kelsey) were in the money in their best ball matches. We wonder what happened after the Kelsey/Wheeler match. At the end of that game (day 2) they were tied for the Mister MaryJane lead. They shot net 81 and net 79 on day last, finishing 6th and 12th. Was it nerves? Was it karma? Perhaps it was just your basic “choke till you drop” golf…. Dunno . As for Randy, he shot 2 birds this year. As a group we had 49 of them. The point? Randy, obviously, is above average. Leon Boyd completed the “Wheeler foursome” … a recently retired Southwest pilot and acrobatic aviator (if I understand correctly), Leon did “have game”, as had been suggested prior to his arrival. Thus our two historical Arizona based players have handicaps of 9 (Boyd) and 68 (The Honorable Jim Thorne). Maybe we can get out two Arizonans together… acrobatic golf? … high handicap flying? … Who knows … keep your eye on the Chandler Airport, MaryJane and let us know what’s happening. Our other accomplished newcomer (another 9) was Ian Thorburn. But from what we heard, he played like Tiger … a Detroit Tiger. Check it out: How many guys would know, to say nothing of “care”, how many wins the Detroit Tigers have at any point in time? The Boston Red Sox? That makes sense. But the Tigers? But Ian appeared to have a good time … and he is a coveted commodity in the 2004 Calcutta regarding “Which 2003 Rookie is Most Likely to Return in 2004”.

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Just as an aside, MaryJane, the trio of Jeff, Jay Larson, and Ian have not, as yet, given us their best shot. These guys bear watching. Maybe we will just stick the three of them in a foursome with O’Brien on day 2 and Denny on day 3, and let nature take its course. As we are approaching the end of this recap, some comments on Jim Clinite. As Jim is likely one of the few to make it this far in this document and actually read all of this stuff, it is time to put his curiosity to rest. Jim is the only guy who actually liked the trivia game on Friday night. But, then again, Jim is the guy who got us to bring back the Stroke Savers a few years ago. Maybe we can tweak it … and put him in charge … hmmm But Jim gets the big kudos this year … he won the lottery that entitled him to bring Ed Upton north from the Twin Cities (along with John Newsome) … had it not been for Jim … no Ed!! … No Ed = no wedding … No wedding = one dorky trivia game … Like I say, MaryJane, Jim saved the day. Why did Ed need a ride? … “One Way” Art Mastel became “No Way” Art Mastel. Normally Ed rides up with Art and grabs a ride back (Art never stays for the finish of the event)(his club championship competes with us for Art’s commitment)… It was “No Way”Art this year because Art was the only one of us to play The Quarry at Giant’s Ridge (as part of a Minnesota Senior Golf League Schedule) … Art had to ride a cart there for two days … he claimed it hurt his back … sure Art, “if it makes you feel better”, we will buy that line … (just teasing you Art … you have the smoothest swing in town) … (and in a reference that only Art will get: the population of metro Las Vegas is 1.5 million – we checked it out.) Now I said that Art was the only one to play The Quarry this week. Others have played it before. In fact, Minnesota Tom Day accompanied Governor Tim Pawlenty for a round of golf there last month. That’s MN Tom Day, as in Mister 41. (Actually, Mister 95/96/95)… But he was a hell of a bailiff. Although when they haul the Judge off for running a game of chance, they might just as well cart Tom away for impersonating a peace officer (that didn’t look like a “ToysRUs” outfit that he was wearing). … And talk about “selling snow to the Eskimos”, young Guido really showed us how a meek, senior crowd can be “schmoosed” into buying those Stroke Savers … this kid has a future with us.

As for Uncle Tom Day… the sweet-tooth from Texas … here’s what we want to know … he told us that “plus fours” mean 4 inches below the knee and “plus twos” are two inches below the knee … but he seemed to be a bit silent about that big old “10” that popped up on one of his scorecards … Actually, we had very few “10’s” this year … we have come a long way on that subject over the years … does that mean that people are practicing? I doubt it.

Consider poor Dick Moberg. Clearly one of this year’s big cash winners. But look at how he did it. In order to collect his big cash payoffs from our winter pools, (NCAA March Madness and The Masters) he had to show up. Once again, bad karma had Dick’s number. But he came up with an ace in the hole. He

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won the Chumpion and Mister Generosity stipends… plus a collectors item tee shirt. Now the dilemma. How to fend off next year’s incursion into his wallet. Dunno, MaryJane, but I still bet him to have a break-though year up here. We mentioned above the uniforms worn by some of us … but the one man who gets to keep (and clean and return) his is Les (or is that Wes) Gilbert … We got him an official Wally The Beerman Shirt from the Vikings (See p.8)…. (Honest … it’s just like the one Wally wears (although maybe a size or two larger) … but it looked good on Les and Les looks good when he is with us… (Les, by the way won the Champion 2003 Calcutta, having drawn Daddy Don’s name on Wednesday night. At $2 per man, Les won $57. You do the math.)… not only that, but Les is now on-line ([email protected]) … leaving Art Mastel and Jim Newman as our final two Cretans. (The smart money says that Mastel will be the first to go, (That’s because Art’s wife knows how to use one) (May we suggest [email protected]) … potentially leaving Ranger Jim as Our Last Man)

Finally, we have ended these notes in the past with some flip sign-off. Last year it had to do with the fact that we had nothing to say about Bill Bechtol (Note: at Bill’s request). This year Bill was unable to be with us, due to the fact that he has been involved in his own match with cancer. While his prognosis is not good, his spirits throughout his ordeal have been exemplary. Accordingly, Bill gets our Fighting Spirit Award for 2003. He deserves it and we are proud to consider

ourselves among his friends. See you next year. P.S. the answer to this year’s trivia question is “Tom Pokonosky” (The question was; “Who managed to stay under the radar this year?”) A closing footnote: In 1993 we had one person riding in a cart. (That was a good thing, because we only had one cart.) In 2003 we had 25 people riding in carts. The following thought pops to mind. At what point is this thing going to become a 9-hole tournament … i.e. 3 holes per day for three days?

And finally as a post note, MaryJane, you’ll be proud of our guys who put up more than $3,000 to support our Iron Range charity of the year-- Kinney House. (We probably came close to Kinney House when some of us biked between Mountain Iron and Buhl last summer.) They serve the Iron Range as a crisis shelter for kids from infants to teenagers…Kids who need a safe, secure environment because of abuse or neglect. They help upwards of 400 kids a year. Kids stay anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of months. Regrettably, their funding from usual sources dropped this year, just when need escalated. MaryJane, your boys done good to help…and further another great MJMICGT tradition!

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