Marriage on the Run!

Coach’s RetreatAlabama

Kind of like two cows standing in the field… milk truck goes by… homogenized, pasteurized, Vitamin D and Iron added… kind of makes you feel inadequate!

Father forgive them… they know not what they do!

Clock struck 13.. Wake up it is later than you think!

See if we can learn some things that are practical in nature!

Lot of fantasies that I want to shake tonight! Three for sure:

1. Cinderella has never lived in the castle

2. You are not going to be awakened by a kiss of prince charming!

3. There is a beauty and the beast!

No Quick Fixes… shortcuts… Love is not a feeling… “Love is more than a

feeling. Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. When we have this attitude a new sense of realism enters the marriage and makes growth possible… it is a decision, it is a promise… I will not always feel that I am in love… but I am committed to it!

His Needs, Her Needs:Harley The Act of Marriage, by Lehaye Love Languages: Smalley Norman Wright: Communication Tender Love : Hybels Pillow Talk : Karen Linamen

Healthy Marriage are based on people who have made up their minds to grow in Christ-likeness and move away from self-centeredness. In fact, the further you get away from self service the stronger your marriage becomes. Move away from self-centeredness toward servanthood and I think I can fix most any problem in marriage!

Everybody needs a healthy a marriage and this open up at least ways to do that…

Not a fix for a marriage that is in need of counseling… but it will help!

Men’s : Sexual Fulfillment Recreational

companionship An attractive spouse Domestic support Admiration

Women’s: Affection Conversation Honesty and openness Financial support Family commitment

Priorities were out of sort!

Communication was not an effort

Time was poorly managed

Edification was not practiced

Intimacy was only sexual

Freedom Autonomy Empathy Flexibility Trust Creativity Intimacy

Definition: “the union that comes when two people learn together how to give love and how to accept love!”

It is the key to healthy families healthy friendships, and a healthy understanding of ourselves.

In order to get there you have to deal with two primary questions…

Who am I? Meaning my behavior style and my

nurture… what did I bring to the marriage ( family, experiences)

Who are we? ◦ When we blend two of us what is the mix?

Individualism - nice word for selfish Lack of personal development - liking who

you are ! Lack of understanding of the idea of a

journey called marriage

I care more about me than I do “us”

Pride that says I know all I need to know…

I have little understanding how my “I” affects the “you” that I married

Poor handle on who we are and how we are different from our mate….

Making no compensation for how we mesh or fail to mesh with our mate!

Making no attempt to pay attention to who they are and adjusting to meet the needs!

This deal is a journey that happens only if you decide to work at it…

Not an instant deal/ over night deal/ honey it’s always wonderful deal!

Understanding your self Understanding your

mate Investment of time Flexibility Listening as much as we

talk Communication Friendship Trust – me with you Conflict Common Interest

It is a science in the sense that it’s observable and repeatable.

It is an art in the sense that we can experience it and modify it.

The same is true for people.

Based upon what you know about them you approach them differently.

Extroverted people are fast paced.

Outgoing.

Introverted people are slower-paced.

Reserved.

EXTROVERT

INTROVERT

Task oriented people enjoy doing “things” like making plans or working on projects. (Hi-tech)

People oriented individuals are into caring and sharing. They like a lot of talking, feeling, openness. (Hi-touch)

Task------------------

People

DC

IS

TASK

EXTROVERTED

INTROVERTED

PEOPLE

Strengths and tendencies◦ Getting immediate

results◦ Making quick decisions◦ Persistence◦ Solving problems◦ Taking charge◦ Self-reliance◦ Accepting challenges

◦ Insensitive to others◦ Impatient◦ Overlooks risks◦ Inflexible and unyielding◦ Taking on too much◦ Being too inattentive to details◦ Resenting restrictions◦ Being too demanding of others

Strengths /tendencies

Optimistic Enthusiastic Being personable Make a good

impression Verbally articulate Entertaining climate

Tendencies include: Lack of follow through Over-selling Over-estimating results anticipated Misjudges capabilities Talks too much Acts impulsively Jumps to conclusions and over -

commits

Strengths/tendency Supportive Agreeable Loyal Self-controlled Consistent Good listener Perform to work patterns

Resist change Trouble meeting deadlines Overly lenient Procrastinate Being indecisive Holding a grudge Overly possessive/no INITATIVE

Strengths: Orderly Conscientiousness Discipline Preciseness Thoroughness Being diplomatic Analytical

Tendencies:- indecisive- gets bogged down in details

Avoids controversy Low self esteem Hesitant to try new things Sensitive to criticism/pessimistic

.

I think that there are stages of marriage that we all go through that indicate a positive motion.

0-5: years growing and learning of who we are and how the marriage comes together. A lot of conflict within and without.

Decisions about adjustment, interdependence, establishing of communication.

Key words: self identity / working with partner to overcome differences/ establishing goals / building partnerships.

Necessities that occur: Dealing with physical

aspect of relationship Sharing and openness must

be established Daily adjustments occur Financial development Learning and adjusting to

personalities is expereinced

5-10 years discovery of relationships and base of interaction. Establishing of the limitations of giving and receiving…stretching of interdependence

Key words: Self affirmation/ self gratification/ sharing of self with partner.

Necessities that occur. Establishing of

roles. Give and take in

each others lives. Long term direction

of marriage… retirement/family etc.

10-20 years career established…patterns of living intrenched …adjustments are more difficult , communication is more patterned and not as flexible. Often if relationship is not built this is the most difficult period because we do not adjust well by this time.

Key words: buidling of trust/granting of space/ meeting of needs

Necessities: Honoring of each

other Establishing the

pattern of life Communication

must be established

20-30 years very dangerous if patterns of communication are not good. Back to discovery of each other…either get to honeymoon pattern of learning or serious trouble is present.

Key words: building of friendship/ clear roles of support for each other.

Necessities: Many of the honeymoon necessities are back here. Working on marriage is now the most serious. Communication must be at its best state.

I accept you as you are: I will not attempt to make you something you are uncomfortable with being!

I believe you are valuable: and I learn to express that regularly!

I care when you hurt… I even notice! I desire the best for you! I erase all offenses… no score keeping!

Best way to illustarte what it takes: My

favorite piece.