March2014

I realize that lately The Vent Magazine has been looking a lot like American Bank Center Magazine, with the Bill Maher cover and now the Cheech and Chong cover (Next month’s possible George Lopez cover). There is a perfectly good explanation for what might appear, to the untrained eye, as selling out. That reason is… American Bank Center pays me a lot of money, and gives me a lot of free tickets, and they give celebrities my phone number and then celebrities call me, and talk to me on the phone, and I like this. If George Lopez sobers up and wants to call some nobody in South Texas, who is going to ask him questions, some of which include puns… Let me say now, that I am willing and ready. But, my friends at American Bank Center know, that the Vent takes on many lovers. We are here for all of our clients, to promote their

special events, or just remind you about their Open Mic on Thursdays at Boneshakers. Or maybe to say “thanks to John Galvan at Galvan’s Paint and Body for fixing my van. Again.” Or “check out the new Kitchen at House of Rock – Coming Soon.” Hey, this is what we are here for. Use us, we like it. Sure, some of our advertisers are smaller than others, but its like they say… it’s not size of the boat, it’s the residual income that comes from a long term commitment. So, for those of you who have been watching from the sidelines (I am all over the place with the metaphors), its time to BUY IN. I mean it. Its time to take in the Vent for all it is. I’m talking to you L&F, and you CC Hooks. I know we’re edgy and print things like Damn! and Hell! And Damn it to Hell! Don’t be afraid, it’ll only hurt at first, and then it feels great.

Wake Up and… Buy Inby William Henneberger

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Texas Passes Controversial Discrimination Lawby William Henneberger On Friday afternoon, Governor Rick Perry

signed, into Texas law, a statute that protects the liberty of business owners all across the Lone Star State. This new law allows Texans to refuse service to patrons with any form of handicap or disability that my cause the storeowner to feel uncomfortable. The controversial piece of legislation has been dubbed the Discriberty Law, as it allows citizens to exercise their God-given Liberty to Discriminate. At the signing, Governor Perry commented, “I am signing this law paper, to show that freedom is the best. This is only the beginning. Once people see that the liberty to discriminate is our Constitutional right, if you don’t count certain questionable amendments, other states are sure to follow.”

A senior staff member of the Governors administration told reporters that, it was important to make the first Discriberty Law pertain to the disabled, since they don’t have the same momentum or the popularity of the Gay Rights movement. Once the tides turn, they can then focus on other undesirables. Shockingly, Texas Attorney General and Gubernatorial candidate, Greg Abbott has given his full support to the law in an effort to demonstrate his passion to fight for our personal liberties at all costs. Abbott has since tried to host a press conference to discuss this matter, however because of the new law, news outlets have expressed that it is kind of

awkward to deal with people in wheelchairs and they will no longer be covering AG Abbott or any other politician that isn’t ‘fully functional’ in accordance with the new regulation. All over Texas, businesses are removing wheelchair ramps and other such nuisances that were previously required by law. At a TEA Party fundraiser over the weekend, Cruz declared, “Hey, Rocky didn’t take the handicap ramp up those steps! Neil Armstrong didn’t roll out of Apollo 13! Why should we have to post signs with Braille… this is America, we invented English and it should be good enough for everyone!” Experts are currently studying data to determine if Senator Ted Cruz is in fact handicapped by mental deficiency, but until they have confirmed it, there are no legal grounds to ignore his comments. While this has been a busy week for Texas lawmakers, Todd Hunter, (seen below asking young people for directions) the Representative for district 32, in the Texas House, has already begun to gather support for the ratification of a bill that would ban marriage between two disabled people on the grounds that it is gross.

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Harold Ramis died at age 69 from complications of autoimmune inflammatory vasculitis. Known as the brains behind the Ghostbusters crew to many you were more than that to others. “Egon” to rest with

other second city alums like Belushi and Radner your legacy lives on. Even though you were snubbed by Satan himself, Lorne Michaels, you did what any talented American would do and went to Canada as head writer for SCTV. As a film writer you introduced me and so many other horny teenage boys to the glories of raunchy comedy with writing contributions to films like Animal House and Stripes. Your hay day will always be remembered when you couldn’t spell comedy without a little “T” and “A.” Even travesties like Caddyshack II couldn’t make us stay mad at you for long. I wish your last day on earth could have been Ground Hog Day so you could live it over and over again but it just wasn’t so. Harold Ramis you are dead to me.

Dead To Me Obits

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Harold Ramis 1944-2014


Spring time is here and with that comes Spring Break and more importantly Spring Breakers. Soon our lovely beaches will be littered with drunken co-eds shedding their clothing and dignity for all to see. Now you might think that Scabby is a good time having gal and must love to get her Spring Break on. WRONG. The other working gals and I hate this time of year. There is literally thou-sands of sun kissed young men with pockets lined with their daddy’s money ready to diddle anything that moves, but does Scabby get any loving on the beach? Nope. Why, because of all these part time floozies out there throwing their inhibitions out and giving it away for free in the name of Spring Break. I’m all for some debauchery, but have some respect for yourselves

girls. I swear if I had the fun bags of some these 20 year olds I’ve seen out here showing what the plastic surgeon gave them I guarantee you I’d get more that a string of plastic beads out of the deal. Where’s your sense of entrepreneurship ladies? If you college girls come to your senses come see Scabby, I’ll put you to work.And to you fellas, how about you try exercising a little finan-cial responsibility. Sure these wannabe’s may be young and firm but they have no experience. If she can’t suck an extra thick Whataburger Shake through a straw you’re wasting your cash. Think about all the money you are going to spend on beads, Pa-tron shots, roofies, and possible legal fees just to get into some gals bikini when it is much easier and cheaper to come to your friendly neighborhood professional like Scabby.

Scabby on Spring Break

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ScabScabs on the TontonsSome of you may not know this about old Scabby, but I love me some indie music. A few nights back as I was bumming cigs out-side of House of Rock, I heard the most an-gelic young voice. I made it inside and got to see a couple of songs before I was po-litely asked to take my dripping somewhere else. I get it. I’m not sure why, but I am always dripping and I know it’s a hazard. No hard feelings on that. The band I witnessed was the Tontons, and after being ejected, I found a nice gut-ter within earshot of the Venue and enjoyed the rest of the set. Those pipes belonged to

Asli Omar, and she is a force. The boys in the band, bassist Tom Nguyen, and brothers Adam and Justin Martinez, on guitar and drums, knew how to bring it as well. After their set I limped over to see if I could catch up with any of these up and coming talents. I was able to snap a quick picture on my pre-paid flip phone and come to an arrangement to score a free copy of their sophomore album, Make Out King and Other Stories of Love. I won’t tell you the exact arrangement, but as you can see one of the boys isn’t in the picture… Make Out King, reminds me of a sim-pler time in my life. Sometimes feeling like the soundtrack to the many broken hearts and bro-

ken bones I’ve experienced. Other times it took me back to those youthful days when I followed The Smiths around from city to city, in hopes of bearing a child for Morrissey. I never got any-where with that, but I like to think that if I had, she would have sounded something like the Ton-Tons. V

It’s been a while since I have made my mom proud. I knew that would be a side ef-fect of writing ‘dick and fart’ jokes for a liv-ing. I try to bribe her with the free tickets I get from time to time, but that only goes so far. Cut to, me, telling my mom that I got to talk on the phone with Tommy Chong. I could feel her pride launching from her flip-phone antenna, bouncing of Earth-orbiting satellites and milliseconds later landing softly on her baby’s ear. Now, if I get you some tickets to see Cheech and Chong can you forget about the time when I was 13-years-old and called you a b****. I’m so sorry mommy.

Vent: Let me start by saying that I have been a fan since I was a kid. I grew up in the 90’s and my cousin JD, played one of your records for me and I was hooked. What do you think it was about that comedy that held up so well?

Tommy Chong: When you get high on pot, you get close to God and when you get close to God, everything you do is a notch above everything else. The message is going straight from the higher power to the people, I mean, that’s my thing. It affected the Beatles the same way. Everything they wrote after they got turned onto pot had a little higher mean-ing then everything else that was written in that era.

V: Does the legalization of marijuana bring changes to the kinds of bits you and Cheech are doing on this tour?

TC: Actually, not really. We’ve reached icon-ic status with people. They wanna see the old bits, they wanna see the originals. They want classic Cheech and Chong, but legalization is gonna change comedy, well, its gonna change everything. It will no longer be the forbidden fruit. The great thing about our show, its always been living, its alive. Things change

every night that we do it, even though we’ve done the same bits all the years, the bits them-selves organically change.

V: What do you think is the biggest thing slowing down legalization of marijuana on a national scale?

TC: The Republicans… We’ll blame them for everything. They’re against everything Obama comes up with, even if it’s their idea. They’re just being obstinate and stupid. It’s their way of dragging their feet. That’s why Obama hasn’t even gone close to the legal-ization; he just lets the people vote it in. It’ll happen at its own pace, there’s no rush.

V: A lot of my friends think its always the right time to smoke. As an authority on the subject, what are a few situations when it’s NOT a good time to be high?

TC: When you go over to your girlfriend’s parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner, and they’re half way through the prayer and you’re half way through the meal.

V: The Marijuana lifestyle is a huge part of what your life and art has been about… are there lesser known things that are just as much a part of your life and who you are?

TC: I’m a health nut; I’ve always held the belief that if your going to abuse your body, have a body to abuse. I work out quite a bit. In fact, after I talk to you, I’m on the way to the gym with a trainer… my own personal torturer. So I’m healthier than your average pothead.

V: When you work so closely with someone else, how important do you think it is to pick the right partner?

TC: Well they kinda pick you, ya know. I’ve

always been a backup guitar player, in the band. I never really played lead. So I started my career by backing up singers, so when I got out of music I met Cheech. We were sup-posed to be doing a band, he’s a singer, so it was natural. We were just better at comedy then we were at music so it was a natural thing. Its very important in a comedy team that you have a lead singer and a back up guy, they used to call it a straight man. I was more like the quiet guy.

V: You’ve entertained so many people over the years… what are the things that entertain you? Any TV shows or comedians?

TC: Lenny Bruce changed my life. He was the Cheech and Chong of my era. Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor. I studied with Richard Pryor, when he was on stage I was learning how to do comedy so I studied Richard and how he came from the heart. TV shows… my

wife watches GIRLS, I love GIRLS.

V: While you were in prison, you shared a cell with Jordan Belfort, who wrote about his life as The Wolf of Wall Street, have you seen the movie?

TC: I was writing a book, and he saw me, and he started writing his book, you know. He told me all his stories first and I told him that’s the shit you have to write down. He was off on another tangent, but I kind of narrowed his focus so he could write all the funny stuff that he was telling me. It turned out really good.

Cheech and Chong will be performing, along with the band War, at The American Bank Center on April 5th. For more informa-tion visit www.americanbankcenter.com or cheechandchong.com.

Tommy Chong: The Not So Straight ManInterview by William Henneberger


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Take advantage of your time.

Read everything that you meant to read. You never have enough time to read when your on the outside, but on the inside make time to read.

Always be weird in some way.

Let everybody know that you’re a very weird guy, don’t try to fit in, in fact do the opposite. Find something that makes you crazy, what I did, I did this accidentally, I didn’t know what I was doing… I’m a tango dancer, and the thing with Tango is that you gotta practice. Your not embarrassed because when you dance you dance in front of people. So, I would prac-tice tango by myself. It looks kind of funny to see one guy walking around in a tango pose. Because I was famous I attracted a lot of attention, and there was a bunch of bikers sitting around laughing, and one said ‘Hey Chong you don’t have to dance alone, I’ll dance with you’, so I walked over to

him and started dancing with him and he got all homophobic, but we became really good friends.

Get all the education you can.

Grab every bit of education offered and fill your time up with things that you normally wouldn’t do on the out-side, and time will go by faster than you can think.

Don’t get suckered into breaking any of the rules.

What happens is there are a lot of snitches in prison, and if they can turn someone else in for any reason, then they get some time knocked off. That’s what happened with me, they tried to entice me with getting high, they offered me pot almost everyday,

and then I would get drug tested. They were trying to catch me. So don’t break any rules.

Do your time, respect everybody. Don’t let anybody push you around for any reason, stand your ground when you have to. Don’t get up in any bullshit, cause whoever’s doing it, believe me they’re working for the prison. It’s no accident.

Tommy Chong’s Penal Code: Advice for the Prisoner To Be

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My ‘close friend’ Michael Pilato is in Green Day’s American Idiot

Interview by William Henneberger

I don’t get to the theater very often, and by often, I mean never. I do know a thing or two about the stage, mostly information gleaned from episodes of Law and Order where an understudy drops a lighting truss on the lead, and nobody cares because he was a real bastard. So, I wouldn’t say I’m completely ignorant, and from what I understand there is a whole other side to theater. One of our idiot staff writers got the chance to speak to Michael Pilato from the cast of American Idiot’s current touring company about the camaraderie and power of a great musical. Sorry no murders. Yet. DUN DUN…

VENT: Before we start, I should let you know that I’m not really a theater person. I’m more of a reality television connoisseur. Would you say that a play is kind of like… a reality movie or maybe a reality music video?

MICHAEL PILATO: A Play is all about the day that something different happened to someone ordinary, or something differ-ent happens in their ordinary world, and it

changes the course of their life and a story happens. I guess in a reality TV show, chaos is happening and you just document it.

VENT: Yeah it’s pretty awesome! Now, I don’t know much about Broadway, but I know a thing or two about Green Day… so who do you play, Billie Joe, Mike, or Tre? I would guess Mike since that’s your name.

MICHAEL: Actually, the musical is not about the band in particular, although I think their lives influence the music in the show. It’s based on their concept-album, American Idiot, which came out in 2004. When they originally wrote the album, they had an idea for a story and it was centered around one person, but in this show it’s three different people who take three different paths. I play a character called Favorite Son, and his func-tion in the show is to inspire Tunny to get off his butt and do something with his life.

VENT: My favorite Green Day song is Walking Contradiction, cause its ironic.

MICHAEL: I think, Whatsername is my fa-vorite song from the musical. It’s a num-ber where everyone is called to reflect on people, relationships… things that we’ve let slip by in our lives, and never gone back to revisit and then it end in this head-banging fury, and we are all just pounding our heads into the floor.

VENT: One time at a Green Day concert, this guy I know, Shane got to go up and play the drums, with Green Day. If I bring Shane to the musical, do you think that might happen again?

MICHAEL: I don’t think Shane would have the opportunity to do that. If he tried to come up and play the drums it would probably be a little bit of time before any-body stopped him, but I’m just going to recommend that he doesn’t. The show is a very specific story that not just the direc-tor Michael Mayer conceived, but also one that Billie Joe signed onto and really loved. It’s not like a rock concert, and if you don’t take the chance to watch what these three boys are going through, your going to let a lot of cool lessons and experiences pass right by you as an audience member.

VENT: I’m not sure if I like this whole idea of a Green Day musical. If this doesn’t work out, what’s another band’s music that you think might be good to do a musical about?

MICHAEL: I’m sure if you listen to some of Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band, talk-ing about hard working Americans and the things that the working class goes through, I feel like there is probably a lot to identify with. It’s always so inspirational; it has an epic Broadway feel to it.

VENT: Ok, for the sake of argument, let’s say Green Day catches the theater bug and decides to put out an EP of Broadway Musi-cal covers, what are the top three tracks?

MICHAEL: They probably should do Mem-ory from Cats. Can you imagine Billie Joe singing Circle of Life from The Lion King. Last, I want to hear them do a Green Day ver-sion of One Day More from Les Miserables.

VENT: What, no Jersey Boys? Yeah I know about Jersey Boys! Do you think that the content of this musical is drawing a new crowd to the theater, you know, regular peo-ple like me?

MICHAEL: Yes. I think it makes younger people interested in going to the theater. A lot of people coming to the show, they don’t realize they’re going to see a play, they think they’re coming to see just a bunch of people singing Green Day songs, and they come and they see this story and they see its epic. The lights and the staging and the emotion are re-ally potent. Green Day’s music looks really good on stage.

VENT: Ok, I’m sold. I’m going to be there, I’m just not sure if it’s ok to sing along or if I should just keep my mouth shut and enjoy the show.

MICHAEL: I think it’s a good idea to sing along. Be mindful of the people around you, but otherwise, if everyone’s okay with it, go ahead, because we feel that energy and we love that people are sending us messages that they identify and they support us.

You can see the amazing show for yourself Thursday, March 20th at the Selena Audito-rium. For more information visit american-bankcenter.com. V

Hopelessly Devoted to Taking Action: Take Action Tour – Brewster Street 3/19

interview by William Henneberger

The Take Action Tour is the longtime non-profit side project of Louis Posen the founder of Hopeless Records. I’m not sure what Hope-less Records means to you, to my wife it means Yellowcard… to my sisters; The Used or All Time Low, and don’t get my Brother started on

Bayside. For me Hopeless Record’s CD Samplers were a cheap source of punk and ska at a time when I was making decisions between Mustard Plug merch, or lunch for that day. So when I got to interview the man behind the compilations of my mis-spent youth, I had to first and fore-most say thanks.

Vent: I have to say a special thanks to you. I was one of the kids with little money who grew up on inex-pensive CD samplers like the ones you put out.

Louis: Thank you so much!

Vent: How do you decide what bands and what cause to include in the Take Action Tour each year?

Louis: In the first year of the Take Action Tour, we used to send out submission request and hunt down artists interested in con-necting their music to raising funds and awareness for important cases. Now that Sub City and Take Ac-tion have been around more than 14 years, we put together Take Action Tours based on when artist come to us and are interested in doing the tour. Charities are typically picked by the headlining artist, but in some cases we have a relationship with a charity that fits well with a headlin-ers passion.

Vent: What music has been there for you over the years, and why do you think it can be such a powerful tool for coping with pain?

Louis: I love so many things from The Beatles, The Clash, Tom Petty to Ella Fitzgerald. I don’t think I am qualified to know why music is effective or not as a coping mecha-nism, but from my experience it trig-gers feelings in the mind and body that can take you to a different place then you are currently thinking and feeling.

Vent: My brother just got his organi-zation going ZeroPlatoon.com, Do you have any advice for him in his first year of taking action? Louis: Do as much research as you can, find a mentor(s), be very trans-

parent; first crawl, then walk, then run and run the organization like Coach John Wooden ran the UCLA basketball program.

Vent: Lastly, besides supporting the Take Action Tour, how else do you suggest young people can do their part?

Louis: Be kind and respectful to yourself and others. Do something greater than yourself. Find causes you’re passionate about and connect them with your talents, skills and activities.

Check out the Take Action Tour featuring The Devil Wears Prada at Brewster Street Icehouse on Wednesday, March 19th. For tick-ets visit www.brewsterstreet.net.


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Mommy on the Edge: The Worst Mother in the World

What kind of mom gives up her kid? I’ll tell you what kind: a crappy mom. A selfish, imbalanced mom who never wanted to be a mom in the first place. A mother who thinks more about herself than her children. At least, that’s what society thinks, right? What’s the worst thing you can say about a woman? That she’s a shitty mom. That she’s so bad that her kids were taken from her by the authorities, by family, by her ex. Even worse is the one who voluntarily gives them away. She’s worse than Medea; she lets her kids live, but she still doesn’t want them. When I had my son, 13 years ago, he came out a few weeks early. He wasn’t premature, but he had some problems that required him to stay in the hospital for about a week. My insurance wouldn’t pay for me to stay with him, so I visited with him every few hours, round the clock, to hold and nurse him. While I fretted and prayed for him to get well and strong, I

also worried about my own health. It was my first kid; I didn’t know how wrecked my body would feel after giving birth. I hurt in places I had never even felt before. The worst pain was a crushing sensation in my chest and shoulders that seemed to be most acute when I left the hospital after visiting with my baby. I was convinced that I had damaged my heart and/or lungs during childbirth, and I worried very seriously that I would not be alive for long. That pain went away the day I took my baby home. I never told anyone about it, and I gained my strength back quickly. When he was three years old, though, I figured out what it was I had experienced. A friend had a late-term miscarriage, and as I was trying to console her I read a lot of articles on the situation. One article mentioned that women who miscarry, or lose their babies soon after birth, sometimes experience pain or aching in the arms and chest. Scientists belive it to be a psychosomatic ailment attributed to the

p r o f o u n d desire for the mother to hold her baby. T h a t ’ s what I had felt; my body was missing my baby every time I left him at the hospital. A year after my son was born I left my h u s b a n d . Since he

was almost two when the divorce was finalized, my ex was granted full visitation with him. For the first time, my son was away from me for whole weekends at a time. During the holidays, he was away for longer periods. It sucked. I cried a lot that first year. I got back together with my ex a few times, simply because I hated shuttling my son back and forth between us. One of our reconciliations resulted in another child. But our relationship never worked. It finally ended for good 5 years ago. I’ve written before about how devastating it would be for me to lose my children to my ex. I shouldn’t say it like that. It shouldn’t be about winning or losing. It shouldn’t be a case of who’s the better parent. Every kid deserves two kick-ass parents, both of whom are perfectly sane, fantastically rich, don’t do drugs (legal or otherwise), and don’t bitch about helping with homework until 11:30 every night. If those two parents live in the same house, great. If they don’t, okay. But kids still deserve both of them, working in tandem for the well-being of the children. That’s what they deserve. They don’t get it very often. Looking at my columns, or knowing me personally, you can tell I’ve got quite a few screws loose. Hell, most of my screws aren’t even jiggly anymore; they’re completely gone. I flip out all the time; I’m lazy; I don’t clean my house until my parents are on their way over, and even then, I shove everything into my closet. I cook regularly, but I also hit TacoBell regularly. I’m a slut. In short, I’m not very good mommy material. I thought I could coast on my moderate intelligence and adequate education to be able to see my kids through to a relatively healthy adulthood. And I love them. That’s worth something, isn’t it? But puberty set in. My ex-husband got a bee in his bonnet about being more hands-

on. My son was unhappy and bullied at school. He had his dad telling him every other weekend, “Come live with me. I’ll buy you an XBox and let you watch rated R movies anytime you want.” His grades started to slip as he told me more and more, “I don’t need to do my homework, ‘cause I’m going to live with my dad soon.” He started to ask to skip school, a kid who got perfect attendance for three years in a row. He was suspended for one day for hitting a classmate. He told me over and over again how much he hated living with me, and why didn’t I just send him to live with his dad? I tried to deal with it, I tried to be a better mom, but one day he threw a tantrum over me taking his cell phone away (he was calling a girl from school too much, and her parents called to complain), and he busted out a window in his room. When I tried to reprimand him and confine him to his room, he twisted my arm and was shockingly strong. I saw in a flash him busting out all the other windows of the house, beating his sister up, punching me in the face. My life had suddenly become an episode of COPS. I put him in the car and drove him to his dad’s. Then I cried for the next 3 days. I cried so much that my eyes were bruised. I’m sure my coworkers thought I’d been in a brawl.My family has stopped speaking to me. I felt like one of those shitty moms. And I guess I am one now. I had dinner with my son last night. He wasn’t very chatty. I expected him to gush about his new school, the new friends his father insists he’s made. But he didn’t really talk much. When we said goodbye, he hugged me very tightly and said he missed me. “I love you, Mom, but I just want to live with Dad right now.” I smiled and kissed him. My chest hurts like I’ve been hit by a truck. Only this time I don’t think it’s going to go away.


by Stella Starr

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Mommy on the Edge: The Worst Mother in the World

What kind of mom gives up her kid? I’ll tell you what kind: a crappy mom. A selfish, imbalanced mom who never wanted to be a mom in the first place. A mother who thinks more about herself than her children. At least, that’s what society thinks, right? What’s the worst thing you can say about a woman? That she’s a shitty mom. That she’s so bad that her kids were taken from her by the authorities, by family, by her ex. Even worse is the one who voluntarily gives them away. She’s worse than Medea; she lets her kids live, but she still doesn’t want them. When I had my son, 13 years ago, he came out a few weeks early. He wasn’t premature, but he had some problems that required him to stay in the hospital for about a week. My insurance wouldn’t pay for me to stay with him, so I visited with him every few hours, round the clock, to hold and nurse him. While I fretted and prayed for him to get well and strong, I

also worried about my own health. It was my first kid; I didn’t know how wrecked my body would feel after giving birth. I hurt in places I had never even felt before. The worst pain was a crushing sensation in my chest and shoulders that seemed to be most acute when I left the hospital after visiting with my baby. I was convinced that I had damaged my heart and/or lungs during childbirth, and I worried very seriously that I would not be alive for long. That pain went away the day I took my baby home. I never told anyone about it, and I gained my strength back quickly. When he was three years old, though, I figured out what it was I had experienced. A friend had a late-term miscarriage, and as I was trying to console her I read a lot of articles on the situation. One article mentioned that women who miscarry, or lose their babies soon after birth, sometimes experience pain or aching in the arms and chest. Scientists belive it to be a psychosomatic ailment attributed to the

p r o f o u n d desire for the mother to hold her baby. T h a t ’ s what I had felt; my body was missing my baby every time I left him at the hospital. A year after my son was born I left my h u s b a n d . Since he

was almost two when the divorce was finalized, my ex was granted full visitation with him. For the first time, my son was away from me for whole weekends at a time. During the holidays, he was away for longer periods. It sucked. I cried a lot that first year. I got back together with my ex a few times, simply because I hated shuttling my son back and forth between us. One of our reconciliations resulted in another child. But our relationship never worked. It finally ended for good 5 years ago. I’ve written before about how devastating it would be for me to lose my children to my ex. I shouldn’t say it like that. It shouldn’t be about winning or losing. It shouldn’t be a case of who’s the better parent. Every kid deserves two kick-ass parents, both of whom are perfectly sane, fantastically rich, don’t do drugs (legal or otherwise), and don’t bitch about helping with homework until 11:30 every night. If those two parents live in the same house, great. If they don’t, okay. But kids still deserve both of them, working in tandem for the well-being of the children. That’s what they deserve. They don’t get it very often. Looking at my columns, or knowing me personally, you can tell I’ve got quite a few screws loose. Hell, most of my screws aren’t even jiggly anymore; they’re completely gone. I flip out all the time; I’m lazy; I don’t clean my house until my parents are on their way over, and even then, I shove everything into my closet. I cook regularly, but I also hit TacoBell regularly. I’m a slut. In short, I’m not very good mommy material. I thought I could coast on my moderate intelligence and adequate education to be able to see my kids through to a relatively healthy adulthood. And I love them. That’s worth something, isn’t it? But puberty set in. My ex-husband got a bee in his bonnet about being more hands-

on. My son was unhappy and bullied at school. He had his dad telling him every other weekend, “Come live with me. I’ll buy you an XBox and let you watch rated R movies anytime you want.” His grades started to slip as he told me more and more, “I don’t need to do my homework, ‘cause I’m going to live with my dad soon.” He started to ask to skip school, a kid who got perfect attendance for three years in a row. He was suspended for one day for hitting a classmate. He told me over and over again how much he hated living with me, and why didn’t I just send him to live with his dad? I tried to deal with it, I tried to be a better mom, but one day he threw a tantrum over me taking his cell phone away (he was calling a girl from school too much, and her parents called to complain), and he busted out a window in his room. When I tried to reprimand him and confine him to his room, he twisted my arm and was shockingly strong. I saw in a flash him busting out all the other windows of the house, beating his sister up, punching me in the face. My life had suddenly become an episode of COPS. I put him in the car and drove him to his dad’s. Then I cried for the next 3 days. I cried so much that my eyes were bruised. I’m sure my coworkers thought I’d been in a brawl.My family has stopped speaking to me. I felt like one of those shitty moms. And I guess I am one now. I had dinner with my son last night. He wasn’t very chatty. I expected him to gush about his new school, the new friends his father insists he’s made. But he didn’t really talk much. When we said goodbye, he hugged me very tightly and said he missed me. “I love you, Mom, but I just want to live with Dad right now.” I smiled and kissed him. My chest hurts like I’ve been hit by a truck. Only this time I don’t think it’s going to go away.


by Stella Starr

V

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Happy birthday, Pisces!This is your month to shine! Not only is it a celebration time, but a secret dream (career aspiration, addition to the family, etc.) that has been brewing finally comes to fruition, either in the form of a definite plan of action or a fortuitous turn of events. Either way things are looking up after a testy 4-month cycle. As for your love life, something casual could turn into a more serious association mid-month. Watch yourself if your situation is such that you cannot afford to take on a new lover. In other words, you are not the young thing you once were; sluttish behavior becomes unattractive in middle age.

AriesSome petty resentments and frustrations, at work and/or at home, may boil over into full-blown meltdowns. Mars goes retrograde at this time, causing you to rethink recent events and decisions, and this may lead to internal chaos. By mid-month, however, there will be so much to do you won’t have time to bitch.

TaurusThe past six weeks have been tedious at work, with projects being delayed or falling through. It’s time to take the bull by the horns, read the riot act to a few slackers, and lay down the law. Or you could just lay your boss on the Mar 16th full moon, and alleviate both your stresses. Either way, things will get done.

GeminiMarch may have come in like a lion, what with winter storms and windy days, but the glorious Sun is shining on several areas of your chart, Gemini. Ideas for work and play that developed last month have the potential for grand realization now, so look into travel plans and speak to your boss or mentor at work. Put some motion behind those notions, and things will work out in your favor.

CancerTime to shed that crabby attitude and get outside in the fun and sun (figuratively speaking, of course). Mars in retrograde may tangle up some domestic issues, leading to run-ins with your near and dear. But by mid-month things will be moving along swimmingly, and you’ll act on some plans for learning and travel.

LeoThe financial strain of the past few months eases up a bit in March. A special project may get the green light, or someone may step in with a new source of income or help. In the love department you have caught the eye of someone in your circle of acquaintance. If some random hottie friends you or rings you up, you heard it from us first!

VirgoDraggin’ ass around the first of the month? Blame the early new moon, which has the potential to sap physical energy and take the

zip out of personal relationships and inner life. Fret not; the gloominess lifts by the end of the first week, and once Jupiter moves direct (around the 7th, depending on your time zone) the rose-colored glasses you are so famous for wearing come on again. Mars in retrograde will cause some money snafus, though. Try to be mindful of your spending, and make no major purchases this month.

LibraAh, Libra. Always striving to achieve a balance between the inner and the outer life. Your biggest struggle is balancing your wants and your needs, and you often confuse the two. Bold Mars traveling through your house of relationships and desire gives you supreme confidence, but may also inflict a grandiose attitude. Dude, you are not the end all, be all. Please think before you jump on that chick. She’s spoken for in more ways than one.

ScorpioIt’s been five months of hell, Scorpio. Yes, we know you have suffered, and we have cursed the stars on your behalf. But YAY!!! Things are finally looking up this month. There is a brief moment of second-guessing a recent choice or move, but that is just persnickety Mars in retrograde. It will pass, ushering in a grand cycle of change, growth, and lots and lots of no-strings sex!

SagittariusFortunate Jupiter lands smack-dab in the center of your domestic house, triggering some good vibrations regarding home and hearth. Are you thinking of remodeling, or relocating? This is the time to do it, or at least put some firm plans into place for a change in the near future. Some changes may be on the horizon at work as well, as the full moon on the 16th brings some heavy thoughts and revelations about your career. The 21st and 22nd are great days to make some major changes, or at least ponder your career.

CapricornYou can be quite the social butterfly when the mood strikes you, Cappy; and although it’s cold outside, baby, you need to get out there and network. Venus lights up your house of money and work-related fortune, so there are a few contacts that could prove lucrative at this time. Your inherent frugality can also be (temporarily) suspended; treat yourself this month, as any splurges will be made up in spades next month.

AquariusThe early full moon has other signs moping about, but not you! The lunar cycle sparks some unexpected earning potential; keep your eyes and ears open for an investment opportunity or side job. Pressure at work will ease up, and the final few days of the month also provide some opportunity for some heavy flirting with someone you previously considered only a pal.

So... What’s Your SignMARCH 2014 by Cleo Soliz and Francine Preston

V


Happy birthday, Pisces!This is your month to shine! Not only is it a celebration time, but a secret dream (career aspiration, addition to the family, etc.) that has been brewing finally comes to fruition, either in the form of a definite plan of action or a fortuitous turn of events. Either way things are looking up after a testy 4-month cycle. As for your love life, something casual could turn into a more serious association mid-month. Watch yourself if your situation is such that you cannot afford to take on a new lover. In other words, you are not the young thing you once were; sluttish behavior becomes unattractive in middle age.

AriesSome petty resentments and frustrations, at work and/or at home, may boil over into full-blown meltdowns. Mars goes retrograde at this time, causing you to rethink recent events and decisions, and this may lead to internal chaos. By mid-month, however, there will be so much to do you won’t have time to bitch.

TaurusThe past six weeks have been tedious at work, with projects being delayed or falling through. It’s time to take the bull by the horns, read the riot act to a few slackers, and lay down the law. Or you could just lay your boss on the Mar 16th full moon, and alleviate both your stresses. Either way, things will get done.

GeminiMarch may have come in like a lion, what with winter storms and windy days, but the glorious Sun is shining on several areas of your chart, Gemini. Ideas for work and play that developed last month have the potential for grand realization now, so look into travel plans and speak to your boss or mentor at work. Put some motion behind those notions, and things will work out in your favor.

CancerTime to shed that crabby attitude and get outside in the fun and sun (figuratively speaking, of course). Mars in retrograde may tangle up some domestic issues, leading to run-ins with your near and dear. But by mid-month things will be moving along swimmingly, and you’ll act on some plans for learning and travel.

LeoThe financial strain of the past few months eases up a bit in March. A special project may get the green light, or someone may step in with a new source of income or help. In the love department you have caught the eye of someone in your circle of acquaintance. If some random hottie friends you or rings you up, you heard it from us first!

VirgoDraggin’ ass around the first of the month? Blame the early new moon, which has the potential to sap physical energy and take the

zip out of personal relationships and inner life. Fret not; the gloominess lifts by the end of the first week, and once Jupiter moves direct (around the 7th, depending on your time zone) the rose-colored glasses you are so famous for wearing come on again. Mars in retrograde will cause some money snafus, though. Try to be mindful of your spending, and make no major purchases this month.

LibraAh, Libra. Always striving to achieve a balance between the inner and the outer life. Your biggest struggle is balancing your wants and your needs, and you often confuse the two. Bold Mars traveling through your house of relationships and desire gives you supreme confidence, but may also inflict a grandiose attitude. Dude, you are not the end all, be all. Please think before you jump on that chick. She’s spoken for in more ways than one.

ScorpioIt’s been five months of hell, Scorpio. Yes, we know you have suffered, and we have cursed the stars on your behalf. But YAY!!! Things are finally looking up this month. There is a brief moment of second-guessing a recent choice or move, but that is just persnickety Mars in retrograde. It will pass, ushering in a grand cycle of change, growth, and lots and lots of no-strings sex!

SagittariusFortunate Jupiter lands smack-dab in the center of your domestic house, triggering some good vibrations regarding home and hearth. Are you thinking of remodeling, or relocating? This is the time to do it, or at least put some firm plans into place for a change in the near future. Some changes may be on the horizon at work as well, as the full moon on the 16th brings some heavy thoughts and revelations about your career. The 21st and 22nd are great days to make some major changes, or at least ponder your career.

CapricornYou can be quite the social butterfly when the mood strikes you, Cappy; and although it’s cold outside, baby, you need to get out there and network. Venus lights up your house of money and work-related fortune, so there are a few contacts that could prove lucrative at this time. Your inherent frugality can also be (temporarily) suspended; treat yourself this month, as any splurges will be made up in spades next month.

AquariusThe early full moon has other signs moping about, but not you! The lunar cycle sparks some unexpected earning potential; keep your eyes and ears open for an investment opportunity or side job. Pressure at work will ease up, and the final few days of the month also provide some opportunity for some heavy flirting with someone you previously considered only a pal.

So... What’s Your SignMARCH 2014 by Cleo Soliz and Francine Preston

March2014

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