Love Bites: A Story about Life, the Undead, and the Fate of Every Person Ever Bitten by a Vampire

8/7/2019 Love Bites: A Story about Life, the Undead, and the Fate of Every Person Ever Bitten by a Vampire

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Endorsements

In a world filled with knock-offs, unoriginal material, and shameless knock-

offs, Ed Cyzewski has given us what were afraid to ask for: a shameless,

unoriginal, vampire knock-off.

Literary Agent

Love Bites is a triumph of the postmodern milieu, mindlessly mashing

theology and culture together without a point.

Theology Professor

Ed Cyzewski offers a strong apologetic against eternal undead life for all

vampires.

Pastor and Christian Apologist

Cyzewskis prose highlights the trivialities and vapid concerns of modern

lifecreating the perfect medium for a story about the undead. Who are the

real undead? Cyzewski raises the question without providing simple

answersif any answers at all.

Bestselling Novelist


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Love Bites

A Story about Life, the Undead, and the Fate

of Every Person Ever Bitten by a Vampire

Ed Cyzewski


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Visit Eds web sitewww.edcyz.com.

@ Ed Cyzewski, April 1, 2011

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form without

written permission from Ed Cyzewski, [email protected], which he will gladly give if

you ask him nicely.

Cover Design by Ed Cyzewski and his team of rabbits: Eva, Evan, and Baxter.

Cover Photograph of Apple via MsDotty atwww.sxc.hu.Used according to sites terms.

The characters in this novella parody are fictional composites with a few quirks and

qualities of real characters. The author does not believe any of the real life characters this

book portrays are really vampires, werewolves, or writers with grammar quite this bad.
http://www.edcyz.com/http://www.edcyz.com/mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]://www.sxc.hu/http://www.sxc.hu/http://www.sxc.hu/http://www.sxc.hu/mailto:[email protected]://www.edcyz.com/


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To Ned, the Family Cat:

Youre still a great cat even if youve

always liked my sisters better than me.

To Eva, the Family Rabbit:

Youre way cooler than Ned the cat.


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Table of Contents

Acknowledgements 7Forward by Ned Ciwinski 8

Prologue of Critical Importance 9

Chapter One 10

Chapter Two 16

Chapter Three 21

Chapter Four 30Chapter Five 34

Chapter Six 41

Chapter Seven 46

Chapter Eight 50

Chapter Nine 55

About the Author 61


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Acknowledgements

his book came together because one smart, brave, wise woman waswilling to listen to me pitch lame idea after lame idea for my April 1st

book release. That smart, brave, wise woman is my wife Julie. She

watched me agonize over this book project and cheered me on as it

picked up steam. Every writer needs that kind of support, and Im a lucky

man to have a wife who can offer it so freely and regularly.

I'm grateful for friends who offered their advice and insights at key

times, especially vampire book expert Emma Liddle and editor

extraordinaire Thomas Turner. Matthew Paul Turner proved invaluable in

refining the title.

I would be remiss if I didnt also thank my small group for all of the

endless speculation about possible vampire books we could one day write.

Our mocking of popular vampire books was invaluable while working on

this project.

Lastly, to the many people who have mispronounced my name

Ciwinski You astonish me. Cyzewski lacks the n required for sucha pronunciation, and yet you bravely soldier on and drop that n in there

because you think you know how to pronounce an Americanized Polish

name. You always made me feel special during roll call time at school and

are no doubt the reason why I intend to add a few more zs and silent

ws to my name as soon as the paperwork comes through.

T


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Foreword by Ned Ciwinski

very author today wants to cash in on the easy money that can bemade by writing the next big vampire epic, and Ed Cyzewski is no

different from all the rest. I envy the way he has casually dabbled in

the world of vampires without any true expertise and research. Though

lacking in these essentials, he has still published a book that hes willing to

slap in front of readers.

In Sporks, MI, we have a little saying, Youre a stranger, until I know

you. Well, I suppose its more myown saying than a regional one. Still, it

captures the spirit of what I want to say. Perhaps you are a stranger to Ed

Cyzewski. After you read this book, youll know a little about him.

However, hes one of those pesky writers who prefers parables, stories,

and questions, rather than hard, honest, reliable facts. If anything, Ed

Cyzewski introduces you to another stranger that you need to meet if you

want to learn anything of value about vampires: meNed Ciwinski.

Ed Cyzewski offers a cursory overview of vampires, their habits, and

how they interact with humans, but he only scratches the surface. Ifreading his silly, speculative, fact-light, little story provides a simple entry

point into the more serious, constructive field of vampirology, then Im

happy to endorse this book. I suppose youll have fun laughing at the way

he portrays me and my work, but in the end, your mind will be opened to

fresh, exciting possibilities about vampires. Youll be ready to take the

next step in your quest here on earth: purchasing my book Coffeehouse

Vampirology.

-Ned Ciwinski, Sporks, MI

Resident Theologian at the Holy Grounds Caf

Author ofCoffeehouse Vampirology

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Prologue of Critical Importance

suppose youre reading this because you thought this may be a funnybook. While I certainly intend that to be the case, parodies that touch

on otherwise important and serious topics may cause certain readers to

wonder if the author has an agenda or if hes tryingto slam any particular

person, view, or book. While I love a bit of mystery and uncertainty in my

books, Im not a mean or vindictive personunless Im dealing with Ned

Ciwinskiand its important that my readers understand where Im

coming from and that this book was released on April first.

This book is not intended to attack any particular perspective about

Rob Bell, hell, or vampire books. It all began with a simple thought,

What if I combined a Rob Bell book with a vampire book? I didnt see

how that could not be funny, and I slapped a parody of myself in there

for good measure. Every plot decision was based on either moving the

inane story forward or making a joke.

Stephen King says that writing a story is like digging up bones. You

can plan ahead, but as you write, you always end up discoveringsomething that fits into the whole perfectly. The perfect in this case was

a good joke in the service of a parody, and I made several discoveries

along the wayincluding the surprise ending.

If youve at least watched one of Rob Bells Nooma videos or read one

of his books, you may catch more of the humor. Unless youre familiar

with the popular vampire novels and shows that Im parodying, youll

wonder if I know how to use a dash properly or if I have any clue whatreally goes on in the female mind.

Dont base your judgments of my theology and beliefs on a silly bit of

fiction thats nothing more than an attempt to help us take a deep breath

and laugh at a few jokes. If any of the material in this book proves to be

offensive, that is surely the result of Ned Ciwinskis consultation and

incessant meddling throughout the writing process.

-Ed Cyzewski, Storrs, CT

Author ofCoffeehouse Theology

www.edcyz.com

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Chapter One

ichigan is lame. Im leaving my beloved, sunny, beautiful, idyllic

home in Florida to go to college in a small town called Sporks on

the northern tip of the Michigan mitt where the sun rarely shines

and depressed spirits roam the landscape. Ive got my reasons for going

there. Im just not telling you. Maybe I want to intrigue you. Maybe I

dont know. Maybe I forgot. I dont reallycare.

Perhaps Im going to college up there because my dad lives nearby

Stoker College, and hes going to buy me a carmost likely a used one

because thats my burden in life. Still, a car is my birthright as a privileged

child of the suburbsthat and a cell phone. I love my cell phone. Its so

reliableunlike my deadbeat mom who doesnt know how to write a

check or make instant mac and cheese. Now that my moms shacking up

with some guy who will at least make sure she pays the bills, I am free to

inexplicably leave my beloved home state of Florida so I can go to college

in Sporks, Michigan.

I cant explain ittheres almost this whisper calling me to Sporks. Its

like a low, hushed voicelike a whisper. Yeah, I cant explain it. I just

know that I need to go to Sporks.

On the plane I watched the sunny, cheerful shapes and colors of

Florida pass away, yielding to the thick, brooding gloom of Michigan. My

dad picked me up at the airportnot literally. We just sort of hugged, and

he retreated behind a pillar, flushed with shame at expressing any kind of

perceptible emotion.

We hardly spoke during the ride to Sporks. That is, except for the factthat he mentioned my new car was waiting for me at his place.

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I got you a vintage Ford Explorer. Its bad on gas, but you sit high up

and it will protect you.

Protect me from what? I was indignant that he would care about my

safety. Why couldnt he just give me the money and car that I needed and

avoid all of this parental concern?

Its not like Florida up here,Eva, he said, glancing to meet my

withering gaze. We made eye contact for several seconds, and immediately

shifted our eyes back onto the road. There are Democrats buzzing

around in these little fuel efficient cars everywhere. Its terrifying.

I shivered at the thought.Of course there are rumors of these cold, hollow people who roam

the woods and suck human blood, but I dont believe any of it. Im more

worried about Democrats stealing our freedom and turning us into

Canada.

My heart began to race. Daddy, can we seeCanada from Sporks?

Only on a clear day. We only have one or two clear days each year

Good. I felt better. Thanks for the car, er, S.U.V.Youre welcome, Eva. He blushed and hid his face by scratching the

top of his head.

After wed exhausted our latest TV viewing habits and sat in silence

for what seemed like an eternity, we pulled into his driveway where my

navy blue Ford Explorer waited. I loaded my suitcases into the back, and

we headed off to campus so I could settle into my dorm room.

The voice whispering in my mind began to roar like thundera

gentle, quiet roaring thunder.

The roads leading to Stoker College were clogged with cars jam-

packed with weeping students and plastic junk from Wal-Mart. Pulling up

outside of Stake Hill dorm, I saw a beautiful young man walking down the

sidewalk toward us. He had pale skin, a soft, radiant face, and a hip, fitted

black jacket matched with black jeanshe could have just walked out of

an Urban Outfitter if we werent trapped in the desolation of Sporks,

Michigan. His angelic eyes were framed by thick, black-rimmed glasses. It


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Thomas.

My name is Eva.

He nodded, and then took both of my suitcases, three bags of towels

and bedding, and my cosmetics box from the back of the Explorer. Mydad gaped as Thomas tramped into the dorm ahead of us at a brisk pace.

How did a person of his size carry so much?

The voice whispered in my mind, Hes just balancing his weight

properly. Hes an RA. Hes a professional mover.

That sounded about right to me. And besides, how could I bother

worrying about this a beautiful young man?

My dad drove off, leaving me with my Explorer and my mysterious

stranger. He sat in the chair at my desk while I unpacked.

Have you ever thought about what happens after you die? Thomas

asked. He was learning forward, almost tasting me as I put my clothes

away in the closet. I thought of kissing his lips, and wondered if that very

act may kill me. What would happen after I kissed Thomas, the mostbeautiful boy Id ever met? Who cares? Life, death, it didnt matter.

I realized that he was looking at me quizzically, as if he was confused

by my silence, as if he didnt understand what was going on in my mind.

That is, unless he did understand what was going on in my mind and that

made him quizzical. I wasnt sure what kind of quizzical look he had on

his face. He rubbed at his jaw and adjusted his glasses. How could I say

anything? I despised the sound of my voice in his presence. His voice wassoft, sweet, and thick with the overtones of an eternal love that pulsated

with a desire that had been building for hundreds of years.

I mean, some people say this is it. Get it while youre still breathing.

Religious people believe that well meet God after we die and some will go

to heaven and others to hell. But is that it?

Is that what? I asked in my horrible, high-pitched, whining voice.

I mean, are there any other options? Can we die in such a way that we

arent fully dead? You know, I have a friend

She or he?


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much. Even perfect people get embarrassed sometimes. Hes also very

type-A and conscientious about keeping the dorm clean.

Of course, how could I have been so imperceptive and stupid? He was

sensitive around blood. Ive heard about people who cant handle thesight of blood. My poor love! I pitied Thomas. What a burden to be so

sensitive around blood. I resolved that I would help him conquer his fear

of blood some day.

Good idea, whispered the voice. And stay away from boys named

Max.


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Chapter Two

veryone else I met at college was boring and ugly compared to

Thomas. He kept a low profile for the rest of the day, so I had to

console myself with my chatty roommate from Muncie, Indiana who

constantly looked at herself in the mirror, running a brush through her

blond hair. She couldnt believe I hadnt heard of Muncie.

Muncies got the biggest high school gym in America!

She spent the rest of the following hour chattering about how no one

knows that Indiana has beaches and how no one knows why they call it

the Hoosier state, which led to the unfortunate discovery that Id never

seen the movie Hoosiers. As she launched into a scene by scene summary

of the movie, I sensed a dark, brooding, masculine presence in the

doorway. Should I be afraid?

Looking up, I saw a broad-shouldered, muscular stranger with a

smirkone side of his face twitched with a smile that hinted at perfectly

white teeth. His arms bulged with muscles larger than any Id ever seen. It

was as if hed been working out for centuries.

May I come in? he asked with a deep, sensual growlthe mostpleasant growl Id ever heard. I nodded and wondered if he was a man or

a college student.

Neither, the whisper in my mind said. I told the voice to hush and

get lost.

So, you must be Eva, he began and then quickly added, I noticed

your name on the door.

My names Stacy! my roommate said, delighted to be so close tomasculine perfection. Her hand disappeared for a moment as he shook

her hand. I noted that her name is Stacy, something Id tuned out. When

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someone talks so much, its hard to know when to tune in and when to

tune out. I should just call her Hoosier anyway just to get her worked up.

Turning from Stacy, who settled into a chair at her desk, the man

looked at me. His eyes were a steely blue, and his hair fell in gentle wispsalong his commanding forehead.

My name is Max.

Are you a freshman Max?

Me? he asked with surprise. As if Id bother saying anything to my

stupid roommate. No, Ive been here a while. Im actually a uh friend

of Thomas. We go wayyyyy back.

He had hissed the word friend in such a way that I almost jumped.

Thomas is nice enough, he grumbled, But hes not much help

when it comes to learning the ropes at this college.

I could hardly get a word in around him today, I said. Not that I

minded all that much.

I suppose its only right for the woman to keep silent. He seemed

pleased, and I felt my jaw dropping. What a terrible thing to say.However, as I watched his biceps lightly flexing under his impossibly tight

t-shirt, all offense was forgotten.

Anyway, he continued, With all of that talking, he probably forgot

to show you around. How about we take a walk?

Now Stacys jaw dropped. I mean, Im nothing to look atjust

straight brown hair, a wiry frame, and hazel eyes that my father once said

were pretty before locking himself in his room for a week. My heart waspounding. I had been noticed by another flawless man in the same day.

What could be wrong with that? Id spent too many evenings at home

keeping my mom from buying rare banjos on EBay. I was ready to give in

to the pulsating passion that sent me to my feet.

As I walked out with Max, I wondered if I was in danger. Could I trust

him? I slipped into my rain jacket since a light mist hung in the air, a cold

shower that reminded me of Thomas. Where was he right now? The

thought of looking into his eyes again caused me to slow my pace.


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Are you okay? Max was all concern, pleading eyes, and chivalry. Of

course I was safe. He had the rough look of a cage fighter, but I could tell

that beneath his steely outside, he was warm and gentle.

I thought I forgot something, but Im fine. Where should we gofirst?

Walking down from Stake Hill Dorm, Max led me past the tall, brick

dorms that formed a kind of protective barrier around the campus.

Walking along a well-maintained brick sidewalk, he pointed to the

cafeteria with its large windows looking out on a small retention pond. In

the dim mid-day light I could still see that everything around me was lush

and green.

Is that cafeteria the only place to eat around here? I asked.

There are a few other places, he sneered, becoming impatient and

quickening his pace as we passed through larger crowds of freshmen

wandering about campus, trying to find their orientation programs. I

wondered if I should be doing the sameI was here to learn after all. But

then again, Id never had much time for dating while taking care of mymother. Besides, Max walked so fast that I could only think about

quickening my pace in order to keep up with him.

We soon passed through another cluster of dorms on the other end of

campus and continued on a dirt pathway, well-worn and eroded with

rocks jutting out and poking my feet through my thin sneakers. Instead of

relaxing in the relative seclusion of a large field, Max only became more

aggravated and restless. We were making rapid progress toward a trailheadleading into a large, dark, gloomy forestjust the kind of thing Id expect

to find in northern Michigan. Max remained silent. He clearly had

something on his mind, but what?

Was it possible that he didnt know what to say to a girl when alone

with her? That had to be it. He had asked me out for a walk, but now he

was a shy, lost puppy. When hed tried to say something about the

cafeteria hed lost his way in the conversation as the other students

swarmed around us. Now he couldnt recapture the cool he had when we

were alone in my dorm room.


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Max, would you like to go backto my room to talk?

No, that wont help. I, I just need to sometimes go. For walks in

the woods I mean.

I know what you mean.Yeah? he asked, a little breathless, almost panting. I couldnt believe

someone in his kind of shape could get winded from such a short walk.

Im no athlete, but even I could keep this kind of pace without doing his

kind of panting.

Not much further now, he whispered.

Further to what? I cant imagine there being anything worth seeing in

a desolate forest like this.

Its a surprise, he said as he reached out to take my hand. His

touch was cold, and it startled me. I wasnt sure I wanted to hold his

hand. I mean, this guy was hot and he probably had a six pack, but only a

few hours before Id been devoted to Thomas with heart and soul, and I

did not forge my romantic attachments lightly.

Did you ever notice that sometimes we set off on a journey, but wedont know where were going?

It was Thomas! How did he manage to sneak up on us without making

a sound? I must have been thinking too much. I reminded myself that

thinking too much could get me into trouble in the future.

Thomas, youve got to cut out all of this snooping around and asking

these infernal questions! Max roared.

Thomas had his hands in the pockets of his black jacket. He casuallywiped his glasses clear of mist. Shaking free of Maxs steel grip, I threw

myself into his arms. He staggered back a step, surprised at my affection.

However, I caught a faint smile on his amazing lipsthe source of my

destiny.

You dont know what youre talking about, Thomas, with all of your

ridiculous questions. Youre just speculating and putting that girls life in

danger, Max boomed as he loomed over us.


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Thomas didnt back off. In fact, he stepped forward without a shred of

fear in that beautiful, angelic body of hishis eyes sparkled and danced

behind his glasses.

We all have a choice we can make.Youre making the wrong choice for her and for the rest of us.

We have a chance to stop a lot of evil.

What do you know about stopping evil? Max seethed. How can

you possibly hope to stop what has already happened? he pointed at

himself.

Maybe you should let us sort this out, said Thomas. He looked at

me with angelic eyes dripping with concern and caution. Ill drop by your

room later to catch up.

Id been staring at Thomas, not realizing that he was speaking to me.

Max snapped his finger, and I came to. My heart sank for a moment

because I couldnt be with Thomas. Everything was better with him.

However, I was cheered to know that hed looked at me and talked to

mewhat more could a girl ask for, really?I heard their voices rise and fall across the field as I walked away and a

shroud of mist descended.

What could they be so upset about? And what did they mean about

me being in danger and wanting to stop evil. I mean, we were in dreary

northern Michigan right across a lake from Canada. We may as well have

been on the moon. I cheered myself with the thought of picking up some

ice cream at dinner that night and calling Stacy Hoosier until shestopped talking to me.

Everything was turning out better than I could have ever expected.


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a man staring at me. As I walked up to the caf counter, doing my best to

ignore him, I heard him rustling around in his briefcase. Glancing over, I

saw that he moved in quick, jerky movements like a squirrel. I hoped that

Thomas would come soon, though the strange mans position in themiddle of the caf gave him a perfect vantage point for eavesdropping on

every conversation. No table sat further than ten feet from him, and I

hated him for being such a stalking loser, like my parents, because he

couldnt find life and happiness on his own. He had to suck it from young

people, hanging around and just latching onto us like some kind of poorly

dressed leech.

Id hardly even noticed that the barista was speaking to me while Id

thought about the grubby man who had now returned to working on his

bulky, black computer.

Im sorry, I was deep in thought, I apologized with a sincere smile.

What were you saying?

Do you want the Romans Road, Bridge to Life, Big Story, or a classic

Christus Victor?Are those kinds of drinks you serve here? I asked with a stunned

silence.

No, well get tothe drinks in a minute, the other barista said. I

noticed they were both a few inches taller than me and prettier, much

prettier. I hated them. Why would Thomas take me to such a horrible

place where I could feel insecure about myself?

We need to present the Gospel to you before you order, the firstbarista said. You did realize this is a Christian coffee shop, right?

A double-shot of Jesus comes with every cup! chirped the other

barista cheerfully.

If you got run over by a car on your way home, youd be glad we

included salvation with your drink, added the first barista.

I groaned inwardly. Why did Thomas come here? Was he some kind

of fundamentalist who wanted me to convert to his quirky beliefs in order

to love me? I mean, Id do it in a heart-beat. Id do anything for him

anything to be around his gorgeous, glowing face every day. But what


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should I do now? I really wanted coffee, and these tall, beautiful girls

seemed intent on making me go through hell, or perhaps heaven in this

case, and back in order to avoid the wallop of a caffeine headache. They

held all of the cards. I needed coffee, they needed to save me. I gave in.What was the last one?

Christus Victor, sighed the barista.

I dont think thats really the Gospel, whispered the other barista.

I want that one! I said, seizing the opportunity to spread discord

among them. Id clearly hit upon a sore point for at least one of them.

Weve got to give it to her! the first barista growled

through her teeth at her co-worker.

Wanting to get things moving, I added, Yes, and the customer is

always right. One Chrestus Vector please!

The other barista sighed as the first barista launched into a tale about

sin, evil, and the devil. All of humanity was held prisoner by sin and death,

but Jesus defeated them on the cross and set us free. I followed as best I

could, but then they started talking about saying a prayer or somethingand I lost interest. Even the rough-looking man at the other table struck

me as more interesting by this point. Zoned out again, I sensed that they

were waiting for me to say something. Both of their eyes were wide with

expectation.

Im sorry, what was that?

Do you want to pray the salvation prayer with us right now or do you

want to talk with us after youve had your coffee.Hmmm, I said, touching my finger to my chin as if I was about to

make the most important, life-changing decision with eternal

consequences of my life rather than selecting a kind of coffee drink

mocha or a vanilla latte? Life is filled with such critical decisions

sometimes. Ill take a caf mocha right now.

The first barista rang up my order, her eyes downcast. The other

sulked off and even wiped at her eye, as if drying up a tear. What were

they so upset about?


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Settling into my seat with a drink and nothing else, I realized I was in a

poor strategic position in reference to the rough-looking man who shot

glances at me every ten seconds from his table cluttered with a lap top, a

Moleskine, and a few books that I imagined to be props that weresupposed to make him look intelligent. I couldnt hide myself behind a

book or a paper. Whatever he was writing on his computer, he sure wasnt

getting a lot done at this rate. I imagined him going home to his camp site

or room in the local boarding housewherever creepy men like him

congregateand telling his friend Butch that he could hardly write

because he saw a girla real girl today.

Staring at my drink, I noticed the upbeat music playing in the caf. It

seemed to be a live concert with lots of clapping and cheering. One of the

singers sometimes giggled in between lines, and the audience cheered even

more. I didnt quite know what to make of itas if I was confused and

uncertain about something I didnt understand.

Youre here to meet the guy with the rad black outfit and the hip

glasses, arent you?I looked up to see the scruffy man standing next to me. His pants

matched the rest of his outfitrumpled throughout and tattered on the

edges. He held a mug of tea in one hand and a book in the other.

What are you talking about?

I never see anyone here besides myself and that hipster guy who asks

a lot of questions. That is, I usually see him in here with some other folks

sometimes, but hes always the one bringing them. You dont see manypretty girls like yourself here. Yes, youre very thin and pretty. I can see

you havent had their bottomless basket of bread and fish dip here. Its

quite good. Its a great deal, but no one wants to put up with the altar call

at the counter.

Altar call? I told myself hed have an altercation on his hands if he

didnt step away.

You know, the whole salvation bit. Im glad you chose Christus

Victor. Its a very good and ancient explanation of salvation, even if the


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one girl is pretty obsessed with Substitutionary Atonement and the

Romans Road salvation plan.

I think you must have me mixed up with someone who understands

what youre talking about. Im just here to meet a friend. I heardmyself say the word, and began to loath myself. How could Thomas be

just a friend? He was my whole world, my universe, my reason for

existing, for breathing, for hating myself.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Like I said, the good-looking hip guy. Right,

right. Youre in love with him and you think youre going to have some

kind of bad romance like that Lady Go-go singer talks about.

I added his lame attempt at being cool to his long list of offenses

against me.

So what if Im meeting him. And his name is Thomas.

Thomas, eh? I never knew that. So, do you know whyThomas is

meeting you here today?

Were in love, and its none of your business.

He laugheda long, hard laughter that tore away at the veryfoundation of my souls summit. I felt my face redden with anger

angrier than Id ever been toward a loser human being before.

Look, Im sorry to laugh. Its just that youre in way over your head.

You have no idea what youre dealing with in him. If he seems too good

to be true, its because he is.

What do you know about love? I wanted it sting him, but he just

laughed more.Nothing. Nothing. Really, Im no match for Thomas. No, I know a

lot about some other things, such as theology andyou wont believe

thisvampires.

So what? Ive read all of those books about vampires. Theyre

wonderful. Whats theologygot to do with any of it?

Im not sure. You see, Im very interested in the intersection of faith

and culture, and faith has a lot to do with the afterlife. So, you see

vampires touch on both of them to a certain degree. In matters of faith

vampires are the exceptionthe one thing that you really cant sort out


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Well anyway, I actually self-published the book last spring, but I

released it on April 1st. That was a huge mistake. You see, every year I

release these fake books as a kind of joke for my friends.

I couldnt believe he had friends. Maybe they were all Facebookfriends who didnt realize what he actually looked like and acted like in

real life. I mean, I may have found the one human being on the planet

who was a bigger deadbeat than my mother. I literally try to never

exaggerate.

So you see, he began to laugh in a way that seemed he was on the

verge of crying, All of my friends thought Coffeehouse Vampirologywas my

joke book. I poured ten years, TEN YEARS, of my life into that book. I

researched vampires, traveled to Transylvania, and analyzed every vampire

text and story in the news. And after I published it, they were telling me

how funny it was. I was devastated. It became a sensation for a few days.

No one thought I was serious. They said I wrote the funniest book ever

about vampires, theology, and coffeehouses.

Mmmm. Coffeehouses. I wasnt listening now. I decided Id justrepeat every last word he said. It was the only way to stave off insanity.

I almost became a trending topic on Twitter, but even that didnt

work! My name is Ned Cinwinski, but my Twitter name is

@RealNedCiwinski because theres a potato farmer on Prince Edward

Island named Ned Ciwinski who took the username @NedCiwinski. So

when a Calvinist blogger wrote a point by point rebuttal of my book and a

pastor even wrote Farewell @Ned Ciwinski! I didnt get one shred ofpublicity out of it. Instead, everyone contacted this potato farmer in a

Canadian Maritime Province.

Canadian Maritime Province! I had no idea where this was going. I

thought of slapping Thomas when he got here. That, or dragging him into

the bathroom and making out with him.

I know! Crazy, right! That guy sold tons of potatoes to everyone. Ill

bet you cant find a bag of potatoes on the whole island now after all of

that. Ive had the worst luck. Thats why I need to figure out what a real


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Oh, and heres your book. Im part of the unaffiliated mass of young

people who are leaving the church in droves, think all Christians are

hypocrites, and wont buy your books.

He snatched the book from the table and walked away muttering tohimself, Curse you Barna and Kinnaman.

Thomas, radiant and beautiful, rounded the corner with his mug of

coffee. He slipped into the chair across from me and asked me, Have

you ever overslept a really important date?


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Chapter Four

homas looked around the cafdistractednervousuneasy. He

didnt seem to know where to beginthat is, until he began.

Have you ever wondered why some people ask a lot of

questions?

Maybe, I said, wanting to keep the mood playful. All of my

annoyance about his tardiness was forgotten immediately. How could I

stay angry when hes so perfect?

Perhaps were on the brink of something huge, life-changing, and

amazing. Something so big it could sweep us off our feet.

Thats what Im hoping for. I couldnt believe he was moving so

fast. It was like my wildest dream coming on the heels of meeting my

greatest nightmare.

So youre ready for this?

As long as Im with you, Ill do anything.

You do realize there could be danger for you. I mean, things could

never be the same for you. He shifted his eyes around nervously, as if he

was uneasy, worried about something.

Danger? I laughed. How could I be in danger around you? Ivenever been so happy in all my life. Youre absolutely perfect. There, I

said it. I meant every word of it. I would have said more if I knew more

words that expressed perfection and beauty.

Eva, youre definitely in danger, Thomas said, raising his voice. I

dont think you really listened to Ned, did you?

Of course not.Im not going to let some disheveled writer hit on me

and talk about how relevant he is and how he knows so much aboutvampires.

But he does.

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Who cares?

I do.

My jaw dropped.

Youre into vampire stuff? Wow! I mean, thats great, but I neverpegged you for the type.

What type?

The type that liked vampires.

Liked?

Enjoyed, interested in, loved, whatever. Look, Thomas, I care about

you. If Neds sillyCoffeehouse Vampirologybook is important to you, Ill read

it one day.

Thomas shifted in his chair and rubbed at his forehead.

Eva, Ned told you something very, very important. Something that

changes everything and determines what youre going to do next.

I thought hard about this. His first book was about theology. He had

the mix up about the second one on April first. Theres another Ned

Ciwinski in the world. What was I missing?Do you mean the other Ned Ciwinski who farms potatoes in

Canada?

No, Im not talking about a country with national healthcare that

forces all citizens to receive basic medical treatment against their will

nothing that horrible.

Hmmm, I said, stalling for time the way I used to wait for someone

to answer the question for me in high school when I was stumped. Ididnt much care for this quizzing side of Thomas. I much preferred him

when he was quizzical.

Think back, Thomas said, his gorgeous eyes still dancing around the

roomlooking for something. I have unusual strength, Im attracted to

blood, I live in a climate without any sunshine, and I can whisper little

messages into your mind. What am I?

Beautiful, I said, hoping that love would conquer all. He sighed with

frustration. Alas, the Canterbury Talesproved to be just a bunch of lying

rot.


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While I appreciate the sentiment, you arent following me.

What do you mean? I asked, indignant. How dare he doubt my love

and commitment? I wasnt the one who showed up late for our date.

No, I mean you arent putting two and two together. You really are abit slow sometimes.

Im sorry. Its just thatall I can think about are your eyes and the

way your skin has that soft glow to it. If he couldnt see his own beauty, I

shuddered at what he must see in my plain facemy body that was hardly

worth noticing next to his own.

Eva, I know Im beautiful. But Im not just here to win your heart. I

mean, Im here to do that, but havent you ever wondered why Im

different from you?

My face flushed with anger, but as I looked into his eyes, I could see

that he didnt mean to sting with his words, even though theycut to the

core of my weak, ugly, little heart. I relented.

I dont know what you mean.

Eva, what did Ned say I am?I dont know. I think hes afraid of you anyway, so what does it

matter?

Thomas laughed.

Hes afraid of me? Thats funny. Why is heafraid of me?

Something stupid about you being a vampire. Of course I didnt

believe him. Hes just the sort that would try to get a date with me by

pulling some trick like that. Dont worry, Im not that gullible. I can thinkfor myself and make important decisions without someone leading me

along, explaining everything.

Eva.

Yes my love?

I am a vampire.

Oh.

My heart literally seemed to freeze in placea frozen beating heart.

My head began to spin on top of my frozen torsonot literally.

You didnt know?


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No.

Have you ever thought something was too good to be true? Have you

ever wondered what people are really like inside?

Have you ever needed some fresh air? I asked with my face hardtwisted with anger.

I rose and ran from the caf.


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Chapter Five

didnt care where I was going. I just needed to get away from Thomas.

I needed to think. Why would he tell me hes a vampire with such a

serious, dire look on his face? Could he and Ned be friends who were

pulling a prank on me?

A trucks screeching brakes dragged me out of my frustration with

Thomas. I saw the grill of a pickup truck crashing into me. This was it.

The barista knew something. But how? I thought it was just a cheap ploy

to convert me, but I guess people get hit by cars all of the time. I wonder

what that salvation thing was called that she explained to me.

Standing there, waiting for the end of my life, a life that couldnt have

Thomas as just a regular nice guya guy who didnt pull pranks on easily

led girlsa hand emerged, stopping the truck. It was Thomas. He was

panting hard. I looked at him. He looked at me.

How did he do it?

I just saved your life by stopping a truck, he said.

Yes, I said.

Have you ever doubted something? Have you ever craved proof that

something is true?No, not the questions again. I cant. I cant!

What are you doing running into the road like that? a menacing

voice growled at us. Do you have any idea how high my insurance rates

would have gone up if Id hit you?

It was Max. He stomped out of the truck. His six pack and biceps

bulged and flexed visibly because he didnt have a shirt on. It was tucked

in the back pocket of his jeans, lending him the air of a wild beast of aman. Why was I so worried about Thomas when I had another option so

readily available? If ones a vampre, the muscular one will do just fine.

I


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Can I come with you? I asked Max, whose face creased with a

slightly menacing smile.

Sure. How you feel about that Tommy?

Have you ever felt like youre about to make the biggest mistake ofyour life?

Yes. A few minutes ago in that caf. I cant believe I trusted you.

Looks like your plans all washed out Tommy, sneered Max. Dont

worry your pretty little glasses off. Ill take care of herme and the

chosen few.

In a world with so much beauty and splendor, it pains me to see

people making decisions that theyll regret! shouted Thomas as I hopped

into Maxs truck. We drove away, leaving him with his hands clasped on

top of his head. Ned sat on the front porch of the coffee shop jotting

down notes on a pad.

So sweetheart, Im glad we ran into each other, Max said,

snickering at his own joke.How could I have fallen so fast, so fatally, so fitfully, so funnily for

Thomas? Here was Max, strong, confident, and clear. He wasnt asking

pesky questions. He either remained quiet or made strong, confident

statementsnone of this silly questioning of things.

Im glad we can talk, Max. I missed you.

And speaking of missing, I guess you didnt much care for Thomas

little plan?Plan?

About killing the big bad, old vampireits crazy, right?

Whats all this talk about vampires?

You dont know? Wasnt Ned there?

This is crazy! Crazy! You know that bum too?

Of course I know who Ned is. Hes not a bum. Hes supposed to

explain things to the people new to vampires. Did you meet him?

Unfortunately, yes. Hes such a loser. I mean, youd never hang out

with a guy like him, right?


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So you know nothing about Coffeehouse Vampirology? How dense are

you? Do you even know that Thomas is a vampire? Didnt the thing with

the truck sort of convince you? I dont think you learned anything. Its a

good thing women are supposed to be silent and submissive.Vampires arent real. Youre just playing some kind of trick on

me with that crazy writer and stopping your truck within an inch of my

life. I dont buy any of it.

There are vampires. Theyre real. And the biggest, badest, oldest

vampire we know of is coming to kill you.

What?

I thought of asking him to pull over the truck, but still, I enjoyed

looking at the way his muscles tensed and flexed as he grew more and

more aggravated with my dull intelligence. I could act a lot dumber.

Thomas is a vampire, but hes not the kind that eats people. Well, I

mean he could, but hes so stupid and self-righteous that he refuses to kill

humans. Thats why youre still alive. Most vampires would have made a

quick meal of you. Thankfully theyre all high tailing it out of here just likeme since the old timer is coming to town.

When are you going out of town?

Right now. I thought you realized that Thomas had a stupid,

unrealistic, dangerous, and ultimately false plan that runs counter to

everything weve ever been taught about vampires.

I decided to go with the insanity for a moment to see if I could

somehow figure out where reality ended and fantasies began. It was like adream that I had to run into with all my mind and will. It was like that

time I dreamed about being chased by a large, man-eating rabbit and had

to throw myself to the rabbit in order to make it stop chasing me in the

dream. I breathed in deep.

So, supposing Thomas is a vampire and a real vampire is coming to

kill me and supposedly everyone else in Sporks, what is the plan that you

hate so much?

You want to hear his plan? Its foolish.


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life on a higher plane or something. Its foolish. None of the werewolves I

know buy it.

Wait, there are werewolves too? Here in Sporks?

Max pulled his t-shirt out and tossed it to me. It was torn, tattered,turned into a rag.

How do you think this happened?

You caught it on a fence or something? How should I know?

The full moon last night, dummy.

What about it?

What happens to a werewolf when theres a full moon out?

How should I know?

Its like you dont even have a brain sometimes. Gosh! I turn into a

werewolf when the full moons out. So that means that sexy Maxy better

not wear his favorite shirt when its a full moon. Thats what it means.

Youre a werewolf?

Gosh, youre dense Yes! YES! Im a werewolf!

What do werewolves eat?I just told you that a big, horrible vampire is coming.

Mmm-hmm.

And he wants to kill you.

Mmm-hmm.

And youre asking me what I eat?

So?

So, thats pretty unimportant with your life on the line. And it getsworse. Look, some vampire sucking you dry of blood is the least of our

worries.

I considered feeling wounded.

If you are the pure, chosen one, or whatever Thomas thinks you are,

the curse could work both ways. That vampire needs to kill you in order

to control every vampire and werewolf in the world. We all become his

slaves, some kind of zombie that does his will. Thats the part we all agree

on. We all know that he can turn us into slaves by killing you. What we

dont know is whether theres anything to you being a slayer who can give


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all of us some kind of undead eternal life. Thats why were getting out of

here.

I tried to follow along to prove Max wrong about me.

So, if I kill the vampire, you all get to be undead forever killinghumans or animals or whatever you eatwhich I still think is kind of

important information to know. If Im killed by the vampire, you all

become his slaves who kill humans and animals forever? I guess Im not

seeing the difference here.

The difference is we are guaranteed being undead for eternity if

Thomas is right. Otherwise, only a few are chosen by an ancient decree to

be undead for eternity. The rest just kind of fizzle.

But youre all still undead for a long time, right? I mean, vampires go

on living for a while? It seems like you and Thomas are disagreeing over a

pretty small point.

Max slammed his fist on the steering wheel and rubbed his forehead. I

tried to think of a way to steer the conversation in a lessenraging

direction.So, are you and Thomas among the chosen?

I am. Im not sure about him. I mean, the chosen are usually pretty

level-headed and able to think things through. Thomas is relying on his

feelings and too much popular culture junk about vampires. I think Buffy

is fun to watch, but hes taking it way too far. Hes letting the culture mix

up what he believes about vampires, and it could hurt a lot of people.

Thats why I need to get you away from him and turn you into a vampireas soon as possible.

Me? A vampire?

Thats the only way I can save your life. I cant guarantee that youll

become one of the chosen, but at least Ill save you from Thomas crazy

plan that would leave you dead for sure, and most likely end up killing the

rest of us. As long as youre human, that vampire will be coming for you.

But I dont want to be a vampire. Theyre cold and so, so, dead.


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Undead, actually, and dont worry. Itll be fine. Being a vampire is

awesome. Sure, youll have to get used to drinking the life blood from

animalsyoure not Jewish by the way?

I shook my head, no, for so many reasons.Good. So youll have to let a vampire bite you. Ive got a buddy, one

of the chosen, who can do it for you real clean and neat. Then you let

their venom work its magic, youll suffer unspeakable pain for a few days,

and then youll be as good as undead. Being a vampire doesnt really have

any drawbacks. Youll never even think about the days when you were

alive. Youll be faster, stronger, and, hopefully, smarter. The best part is

that when that vampire comes looking for the pure girl, all hell find is a

vampire sucking on a deer carcass. I thought of this plan all on my own.

Even the sight of Maxs muscles couldnt cheer me now. Everything

seemed horrible and wrong. Every option seemed as bad as the choice

between living with my mother or my father. Max and Thomas seemed

completely convinced that this older vampire was real. Should I just

ignore them both?My mind was made up for me before I could decide.

A black flash sent the truck spinning around, rolling off the road, and

slamming into the dull green trees.


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Chapter Six

he first thing I felt was my ankle snap. It wasnt painful. Like opening

a can of Coke, it just popped out of place. Then jagged metal and glass

pierced my skin.

Max slumped over the steering wheel, mumbling something about a

pet rabbit. I was left to wonder what had flashed across the road until I

heard a deep, sinister, mocking laughter.

Something picked up the truck and tossed it into another tree. I heard

Max grunt as spikes of lumber, glass, and metal rained on us. The laughter

grew louder, and I turned away from Maxs broken body to stare at the

most horrifying creature Id ever seen.

He was tall, perhaps eight feet tall, wearing a long black robe, and his

bald head was the palest white Id ever seen. His eyes were black and his

jaw stuck outrevealing spiked teeth. He craned his neck forward, as if

he couldnt wait to dig his fangs into me and suck the life out of me

forever.

I tried to think about my options. Max couldnt protect me. The

vampire, at least I supposed hes the one they mentioned, would have me

in his grip in a matter of seconds. What could I do? My only option wasto kill myself, but I didnt have anything on hand. It was the only way to

save the world from an army of maniacal killer zombie vampires and

werewolves. I thought of poor Thomas who would never get to find out

if he and the rest of the undead could be guaranteed some kind of undead

eternal life, even if it seemed kind of the same as what he had now. If it

was important to Thomas, it was important to me.

Pulling off my seatbelt while the vampire took one halting step afteranother, I wrenched my body around and rooted through the back in

search of something sharp that could slit my throat. As the vampire drew

T


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near, I sensed a new kind of strength surging into my body, and I used it

to reach further and faster into the back seat that I would have thought

possible. I only found a snow brush. It didnt even have an ice scraper on

the end of it. Of all the useless thingsyoud think that brushing offsnow and scraping ice would sort of go together. Some marketing genius

probably thought he could sell them separately and make a bundle of

money. No sooner had I grabbed the snow brush, the vampire ripped the

door off and hauled my bloody, broken body out of the truck.

His jaws were menacing, and his hands gripped me so tightly I thought

my arms would fall off. My broken ankle began to throb with pain. Pain

shot through my nose as I inhaled his rotting stench.

Do you know why your name is Eva? he roared at me.

I shook my head. I couldnt remember how to speak. My life was over,

and I hadnt even been able to tell Thomas that I loved him, not Max. I

thought I could wrench myself free if I really tried, but my stomach felt

nauseas.

Its a symbol, a metaphor. Your name is symbolic of the choicebetween good and evil. You stand on the precipice of unleashing heaven

or hell onto everyone on this planet. And much like your ancestor Eve,

you too will fail. You will fail!

He laughed.

I shall relish in this moment and drag it out as much as possible. I

have all of eternity to command vampires and werewolves as my zombie

slaves. And theres nothing you and your snow brush can do about it. Illtake my time killing you just like every evil villain before me.

He knew what a snow brush was? I wondered if the ancient, evil

vampire was from Canada. That would explain so much.

Ill bet you thought you were going to escape to Indiana. Maybe hide

out in Muncie and watch basketball, right?

Whats with all of the annoying people in my life being obsessed with

Muncie?

Do you knowhow Im going to kill you?


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I shook my head again. I noted that you could always spot a vampire

because they asked a lot of questions. Not that this information would

help me all that much at this point. I would have gone to Muncie in a

heartbeat. Anything was better than being held in the air by a massive, evilvampire who was on the brink of killing me.

Im going to suck every last drop of blood out of your tender,

writhing body. Ill probably latch on around your neck. Some may say that

its not original, but I like to kill in the traditional ways. The pain will be

excruciating for you as you feel the blood being sucked up from your toes

right through your heart. I wont stop until youre just a limp pile of skin

and bones.

He opened his mouth and licked his lips, spreading his horrible stench

onto me. This was it. He was going in for the kill. I tucked my chin in,

trying to hide my neck in vain. His horrid teeth were stained yellow with

bits of bone and blood spattered on them. His tongue roved back and

forth, as if trying to get comfortable for a pleasant time.

Have you ever noticed that all vampire stories hinge on some kind ofunexpected wild card?

Thomas! I yelled.

I have a friend who does research. Hes kind of like Giles in Buffy the

Vampire Slayer. He knows how to find things. He can find beauty in this

messed up, broken world. And he knows how to put things right.

Ill tear you limp from limp you weak-minded fool! The ancient

vampire yelled. He tossed me toward the truck where I skidded to a stopat the bottom of the smashed tree. Splinters of wood lay all about. One

wedged its way into my other leg, causing me to cry out in pain.

Thomas leaned casually against a tree. His glasses were perfect. His

hair was neat. His outfit, as impeccable as the day he picked it up at Urban

Outfitters. The only part of his outfit was a rather large, bulky copper

covered ring. He breathed on it and wiped it on his shirt.

Im sorry to see you wont be my slave little Thomas, shrieked the

ancient vampire. Ill have to pick you apart before I drink dear Evas


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blood. You cant win this time. Im a hundred times faster and stronger

than you.

Thats where youre wrong. See this ring?

Whats that?Thats the game-changer that my friend Ned found for methough

hes insisting that I call him Giles for now since Giles is his hero. You see

old fang, this is the ring of Ire Ony.

Thats a myth. Theres no such thing.

Oh, the ring lived up to the hype alright. How do you think I tracked

you? I mean, you smell bad enough. I was on your heels the whole time.

Well see about that! Its time to end this long drawn out dialogue

that is keeping me from killing important people!

The ancient vampire ran at Thomas in a flash. He smashed into the

tree where Thomas was standing, but Thomas moved at an equal speed to

a sign by the side of the road for the Sporks Chamber of Commerce.

If you need to take a break for a little bit, thats fine with me, said

Thomas. I know youre probably all worn out for that long speech withthe girl. You solitary vampire types must find it so exhausting to be

social.

Aaaagggghhhh! screamed the ancient vampire, who tore through the

road sign, smashed into another tree, and yet another tree. Thomas kept

his distance perfectlyhe does everything perfectly. The ring of Ire Ony

was the goods.

The ancient vampire stood by the road panting and seething with rage,the rage of untold generations that had focused on one particular moment

in timeone chance to fulfill his destiny, only to have it ruined by a nosy

vampire with smart glasses. Eva could certainly understand his frustration.

Fine. I cant kill you, but I can still kill her.

Charging at me, I saw him approaching as a black flash, but he was

met by Thomas, another black flash who soared into his path. Thomas

collided with him and was tossed aside, crashing into the side of the

pickup truck. Stunned and disoriented, Thomas crawled toward me,

falling forward on the large chunks of wood that littered the ground.


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Now I shall fulfill my destiny, said the salivating vampire. Your

friends have failed you. You have failed you. Everyone has failed except

for me.

Eva, catch!Thomas tossed the largest, most pointed chunk of wood at me. I

caught it as the vampire lunged forward. I sensed something in me

wanting to take action, but I realized that Id just broken a nail.

What should I do? I screamed in horror.

Kill him just like Buffy! he replied.

I never watched Buffy.

What? Thomas face fell.

A strong, muscular arm emerged and grabbed the wrist of my hand

that was tentatively holding the chunk of wood, driving it into the heart of

the vampire as his spiked teeth closed in on my neck. The vampire

vanished in a puff of dust.

Stupid girl, said Max, who stumbled forward. Almost got us all

killed because you wouldnt watch Buffy.How could you not watch Buffy? asked Thomas, a tear streaming

down his cheek.

Dont worry, Ive got the complete series at home. Ill let her borrow

it, Max said as he rolled his truck back onto the road shoulder.


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Chapter Seven

ont worry Dad, Im OK. I was in a little car accident, and Ill

be out of the hospital in no time. I have two hot boys with me

who will drive me back.

Thomas looked on with concern as I explained my situation to my

dad. Max walked in shirtless, just the way I liked him.

Everyones fine. It was just a, uh, deer that ran in front of my friends

truck. Dont worry. My friend is OK. I think he just lost his shirt, but

thats all.

Thomas looked at Max and shook his head.

Ill be back in school tomorrow. Dont worry. Really. My friends will

take care of me.

I looked at Thomas as I said those words. I knew that he would take

care of me forevermaybe even an eternal, undead kind of forever. I still

needed to think about that one.

As I hung up from my dad, Max gave Thomas a nudge. So, do you

feel different?

How so?

Like your girl just unleashed eternal undead life for all of thevampires and werewolves in the world. Come on, dont you think

something would be different now?

Well see. I hope so. Its something that well find out when we get

there.

Where? I asked.

Wherever our undead lives run out and undead eternity begins.

Im glad we killed that horrible vampire, I said. But as for thebenefits of this undead eternity thing, Im not seeing it.

D


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Of course you dont, Thomas said. You dont watch Buffy, which

is something we need to fix if youre going to hang out with me.

So, you risked your life all for a wild fantasy that may be true? Max

asked.No. Not at all. I risked my life to save Eva, Thomas replied.

Really?

My wildest dreams came true after my worst nightmare.

Of course. I mean, youre plenty good-looking, so well have plenty

of time to make you a person of substance and character.

Thomas thinks Im good-looking? It was almost too good to believe.

My purpose on this earth had been fulfilled. Well, winning over Thomas

and killing that scary vampire thing.

What I dont get is, how did Ned know about the ring? asked Max,

who flexed his bicep in front of a mirror in vain.

Oh, that was funny, said Thomas with the biggest smileshowing

off his amazing teeth. Youre going to love this one.

Me or Max? I asked.Max. You didnt watch Buffy, so you wont get it.

Oh, I said, cursingmyself for not watching it when I saw the reruns

on cable. I was too busy convincing my mom to not send money to help

the deposed crown prince of Zaire build a swimming pool for his favorite

zebra.

I ran over to Ned after you two drove off, Thomas said.He almost

ran for it, but when I called his name, he froze. So I started in on thewhole ancient vampire thing, and he knew quite a bit about it. He was a

little shaky on the details, but I could tell hed done his homework. When

I mentioned the ring, I told him I knew all about it, but I couldnt figure

out where to find it.

Well, its obviously going to be in a paranormal hot spot where evil

touches this world, replied Max, scratching his strong, manly jaw.

Right, so I naturally thought it would be somewhere close to the

biology department at the college.


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Evolution and the devil seem to go hand in hand, replied Max who

began doing arm curls with one of the chairs in the room. Id have

searched there.

Exactly. So I did last week, but nothing. When I asked Ned, heresponded with the most obvious answer in the world.

Some kind of occult group on campus? I asked, thinking Id nailed

it.

No, more obvious than thatthe local high school.

Oh, the hell mouth from Buffy! cried Max.

Exactly! replied Thomas, who barely stifled a giggle of excitement

the most perfect and beautiful giggle in the world. I just had to bump off

a couple of vampire guards, and there it was. I caught up to you and old

vamps in plenty of timewhich was good since I needed to get the hang

of moving that fast.

So Ned saved all of us? I asked in disbelief.

Of course he did, replied Max, who was pounding out push-ups

next to my bed. No other human knows as much about vampires asNed. The problem isits all based on theory, so some of it is a little

loopy. He could stand to meet some real vampires.

He met one now, said Thomas.

Does he know too much? asked Max.

Not yet, replied Thomas. But well need to keep an eye on him.

It would be a pity if he knew too much.

Would you kill him? I asked Max. Stop doing those push-ups andanswer me!

Look Eva, Ned is alright for now, replied Thomas, who seemed

shocked that I was so concerned for Ned. However, if he uncovers too

many secrets about vampires, he could disrupt everything about the world

of the undead. And if something gets disrupted, we could have chaos on

our hands.

Like what?

Like older, stronger, angrier vampires or raiding bands of vampires

and werewolves that wont keep you company in the hospital after you


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break your ankle, retorted Max with a sneer. You have no idea whats

out there.

Theres always something bigger, badder, and older to worry about,

said Thomas. Ned is safe for now, especially if he never finds anaudience for Coffeehouse Vampirology.

That would be a disaster, said Max with a shiver that sent

shockwaves through his carefully sculpted muscles.

Joining vampires and werewolves really is like being in the mob, I

said, thinking back to my horrid conversation with Ned.

How so? asked Thomas, his radiant quizzical face beaming at me.

The only way out is through death.

Thats life sweetheart, replied Thomas with an ironic grinI adore

his ironic grins. Now get some sleep. You have a big day ahead of you

tomorrow.

Bigger than today? I dont think Ill survive.

Youre living with vampires now, said Thomasthe most

comforting, lovely sight in the world. Youll be saying that a lot.


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Chapter Eight

he next evening I was clunking and thumping around my dorm

room with my ankle in a thick cast. I struggled to slip into my dress.

It caught the cuts and bruises from yesterdaycausing me to cry out

in pan. Still, I felt that all of the pain was worth it if thats what it took to

be with Thomas. Id go through a thousand yesterdays if I could only

have him for one today.

Imagining him in a slick, tight suit, I felt joy bubbling up inside of me.

I wanted to hop around and clap, but a thick cut on one hand and my

bum ankle made that impossible.

When we returned from the hospital, Thomas had promised a

romantic evening. At first I thought that I should just keep a low profile,

but then I thought of being in the same room with Hoosierwho would

pepper me with endless questions and coo over me with her horrid

Midwestern courtesy. I decided that a night out with the perfect man, or

vampirethat is, would be just the thing for a girl like me after an ancient

vampire nearly sucked me dry of blood.

You look stunning! Thomas said as he walked into my room. Have

you ever seen someone so beautiful, so perfect that you didnt know whatto say next?

I doubted Thomas ever had that problem, but he knew me inside out.

I certainly found myself speechless when I looked at his soft, glowing

smile. He wore a slick black suit that was tailored to fit him perfectlyof

courseeverything was perfect with Thomas. The only splash of color

was a wine-colored tie that bulged beneath his neck. I reached out for him

and he practically floated into my arms.

T


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I kissed him tenderlyas if it was the last time I would ever kiss

himwhich is sort of the right mentality when youre dealing with

vampiresI think.

Thomas, tell me that it will always be like this.That youll always be falling in love with me?

Something like that, I said, staring into hiseyes. Our love is so

fresh and new. I dont want it to go stale. I dont want us to become like

my parents.

I can guarantee that will never happen, but love is like planting a tree.

I can wheel one out for you if youd like me to illustrate this. I can grab a

shovel in a jiffy.

Just tell me what you mean.

He shifted from foot to foot with his arms wrapped loosely around

me. His eyes ranged around the room. I could tell he wanted to illustrate

what he was about to share.

Oh, theres some paper in myprinter if you need to draw something,

OK?Thanks! he said, eager to grasp the lifeline.

You see, love is like seed or a sapling you plant in the ground. And

its exciting, and you water it, and you watch its progress. Everything is

exciting and new.

He sketched a little sapling sprouting out of the ground.

But then your love or tree, begins to grow, it digs roots into the

ground. It grows tall and deep. Its still the same tree, but over time youdont have all of the new stuff, but its stable, steady, and beautiful.

He continued to draw something, but I decided to just watch his lips

instead. I could watch his lips chatter all night.

Thats beautiful Thomas. But I want everything to always be like this.

Can you promise me?

His eyes widened for a moment.

Oh, I was coming to that. Of course. I mean, I would never leave

you.


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Ive always thought that twilight is the most beautiful time of day, I

said. The day is laying itself down to rest. All is well in the world. The

sun isnt blazing. The dark isnt menacing. Its just the perfect glow,

reminding me of life, of possibilities, of rest. I think we should come uphere every night for the rest of our lives.

For what? Thomas asked.

The twilight. Werent you listening to me?

Well, its sort of just a sunset. I think youve read too many

sentimental novels. Speaking of what you need, we need to start educating

you in the world of Buffy.

I felt neglected for a moment, but then Thomas looked in my general

direction, and I decided that I should just listen to him since he was

perfect.

Now, if you were up on your Buffy, youd know that she always goes

to some big party, event, or dance, and a vampire always shows up at the

dance to attack some stupid female who cant see it coming.

What happens?She saves the day. I mean, shes brilliant. Even though shes wearing a

dress and high heels, she gets down to business, busts a table apart for a

stake, and runs it through the vampires heart.

Sounds exciting.

I thought it sounded like the most boring, derivative, unoriginal

television show in all of history. I wondered if I could just kill another

ancient vampire so that we could call it even.Speaking of a dance, are you ready?

For a dance?

Youll see.

He led me into the limousine.

Thomas, Im in no shape to dance. Im cut up and in a cast. I dont

want to show up at this dance with bandages all over me and a cast.

Theyll think Im a freak.

Thats where youre wrong. Im the freak. Im the vampire. You do

remember that Im a vampire, right?


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Chapter Nine

homas was true to his word. I never would have believed that

someone could dance on a broken ankle the day after breaking it, but

he somehow managed to twist and twirl me without causing any pain.

I didnt know much about dancing, but I let Thomas take control and he

moved me to the left, to the right, and then around him with his

incredible undead strength.

As Thomas spun me around the dance floor I noticed that our school

mascot, a black eagle that had seen better days, kept edging closer and

closer to us. He had a cup of tea in one of his wings, but with the mascot

head on, he couldnt sip it.

Of course other people stared at me. Or perhaps they were staring at

Thomas. I decided I should just hate everyone there just in case. I dont

like competition.

After dancing for what seemed like an eternity, we walked over to the

punch bowl. The black eagle followed us at a safe distance.

Thomas, did you notice that black eagle is following us around?

The mascot? Hes just hanging out. I wouldnt worry about him.

All of the girls are staring at you.And Ill bet all of the guys are checking you out, he said with his

captivating smile.

I didnt believe him. My body was covered in bandages, my hair fell

straight and lifeless, and my dressa bright and cheerful yellowdidnt

fit in with the somber blacks and grays favored by the local Michigan girls

at the dance.

Thomas sipped red punch, and I noticed a trace of red juice on hislips. I thought about him tearing his teeth into a deer or a rabbit in the

woodslicking the blood off his lips. Those are the lips I plan to kiss for

T


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the rest of my life. Clearly Max had overlooked some drawbacks to being

a vampire. Besides all of the blood on my lips, Id have to floss animal

carcass out of my teeth and run the risk of splattering blood on my

outfits.Look at how Max is cutting it up on the floor out there! Thomas

pointed at Max who danced with an athletic blond. She was thin, but

clearly had some muscle tone. I could see what Max saw in her. I just

hoped that Thomas didnt see it.

What are we going to do tomorrow? I asked Thomas, hoping to

distract him from the blond.

Well, I believe you have classes. I looked through your mail today,

and it seems you have biology at 9 am. We could meet for breakfast at

8:15 before class.

Ill wait up all night for you, I said as I wrapped my arms around

him.

Or you could set an alarm clock, he said with a smile.

A grunt from behind us caught my attention, but Thomas was busywatching some kid fail at break dancing. I looked back and saw the black

eagle fumbling with a straw in his tea. He tried to insert it into his beak,

but he couldnt figure it out. Tilting his head, he made progress with the

straw until a gang of boys charged at him and started pulling feathers

from him. His tea spilled onto the floor, and the straw stuck sideways out

of his mouth like a sad, thin cigarette. The boys were yanking out quite a

few feathers, as he thrashed about, but he finally broke free and rantoward the bathroom, bumping into couples and tripping over his wide

bird feet. He hid inside the bathroom for a minute while the gang of boys

moved over to the front of the stage to hang out in front of the DJas if

they owned the place.

A slow song came on, and Thomas looked at me. Id lost interest in

the Black Eagle who made his way to the other end of the refreshment

table for another drink. His straw was still in position.


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Thomas looked at me, and I knew what Thomas was saying to me

with his eyes. He was panting, almost pulsing with passion. He moved his

arms around my waist, and I knew he would never let goever.

He practically carried me onto the dance floor, and I fell into histender embrace. His breath heaved onto my neck cold and heavy. I knew

what it meantlove. He truly loved me.

I didnt know if he would actually dance with me for the last slow song

of the night, but as he clung to me, I had no doubt about his affection. I

still had my doubts about this whole vampire business. It creeped me out.

But then again, maybe I just needed to get used to it. I mean, no one

learns to ride a bike in one go. You need training wheels, and then you

work your way up to a regular bike. Maybe Thomas needed to be my

training wheels until I was ready for the plunge. Maybe he could illustrate

that lesson for me.

The black eagle moved closer to usalmost too close. In a few

seconds he was practically next to us with his punch in one hand and that

silly straw sticking out of his beak. I dont know what dances are like inother schools, but I didnt quite understand why we needed a mascot at

our dances at Stoker College.

Thomas interrupted my thoughts with his breathing that became

deeper and heavier, as if he was trying to force something out of himself.

Do you want to sit down? I asked. Youve done quite a bit of

dancing tonight.

I smiled and bumped my nose against his glasses, nudging themfurther up his nose.

Oh no, Im fine, he said, forcing a grin that showed his teeth. Im

just, so, so, in love with you Eva. He pressed himself closer to me.

It was true love. Hed said it! My heart sang with unspeakable joy.

Thomas loved me. Maybe I could bring myself to become a vampire.

Maybe his love was enough. Maybe I didnt have to worry about sucking

up animal blood. Id get used to it. I mean, I got used to my moms new

boyfriend.

Thomas panted on my neck in cold bursts.


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It was Ned Ciwinski.

I marveled that Ned somehow managed to make even our school

mascot look like a loser. Still, he may have just saved my life if Thomas

was about to fall off the wagonfor human blood that is. I hoped andprayed that it was all just a misunderstanding.

I wouldnt kill her. I want her to live forever with me, Thomas said.

Good point.

But you growled while your teeth were on her neck, poised to strike.

Sounds like a vampire to me, said the blond, athletic girl who stood

next to Max.

Yes! Exactly. Thank you! Thank you! said Ned with satisfaction.

He is a vampire, and vampires bite people and kill them.

Look, this is all a big misunderstanding, Thomas said, panting heavy

again.

You need to get away from this girl before you harm her.

Ill let her decide.

Thomas, you need to leave this place once and for all. Ive watchedyou prey on too many students at Stoker College. I have my evidence. I

thank you for the help you have provided for my publishing career, but

now I must bid you farewell.

Thomas laughed deep and hard. He almost sounded like the ancient

vampire.

The girl is mine, and you have nothing more to say about the matter.

Im done talking too. Im standing here until you leave.Have you ever wanted to give a story a dramatic ending?

No. I write nonfiction.

Exactly, said Thomas. You wouldnt understand then. I just wanted

to end this evening, this little story about humans and vampires with some

dramatic flair. I wanted to sow a little bit of doubt in Evas mind. But

now, youve left me with no choice.

Thomas flashed forward and threw Ned ten feet into the air across the

gym. I held my hand to my mouth as Ned bounced off the bleachers and


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fell to the floor with a thud. Thomas watched his trajectory and laughed

as he admired his work.

While he observed Neds struggles to drag himself out of the gym,

Thomas didnt see the athletic blond girl with Max running at him. Sheflipped herself in the air and landed a jump-kick into Thomas who

tumbled onto the ground.

Ill show you a dramatic ending, vamp! she sneered as she pinned

him to the ground. You thought youd end your little vampire story with

your teeth on the neck of some unsuspecting girl?

Thomas gasped for air as she reached into her purse. His eyes grew

wide with fear.

This is how you end a vampire story! she shouted as she drove a

stake into Thomas.

He disappeared into a cloud of perfectly beautiful dust that sparkled

and hovered in the air. His glasses rattled onto the gym floor.

Huh! Max said. Guaranteed undead eternity, eh? Like fun.

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About the Author

Ed Cyzewski

Love Bites: A Story about Life, the Undead, and the Fate of Every Person Ever Bitten by a Vampire

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