Loss of Control & Anxiety …but firstbut first, one item ... › faculty › rafterm › 0 0LLI... · FORGIVENESS IN 5 STEPS FORGIVENESS This portion of today’s information is

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Day #7 of 8Loss of Control

&&Anxiety

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The Psychology of Love & LossDay #7 of 8

Loss of Control & Anxiety• Forgiveness

• The relationship of our sense of control and anxiety

• The relationship between mental motion & emotion

• Attention and memory

• The impact of love and grief on our abilityThe impact of love and grief on our ability to process information (Daniel Schacter)

• Our memory of an event after it comes to an end

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but first…but first,one item related to

the physiological effects of lovelove.

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A picture's worth:Partner photographs reduce experimentally induced pain.

(2009)(2009)

Fig. 1. Mean pain rating as a function of mode and source of support.

Master S L et al. Psychological Science 2009;20:1316-1318

Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Squeeze Ball Chair

FORGIVENESS

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FORGIVENESSIN

5 STEPS

FORGIVENESSFORGIVENESSThis portion of today’s informationis drawn from the following book:

Worthington, E.L. (2001).g , ( )Five Steps to Forgiveness:

The Art and Science of Forgiving.

1. Recall the hurt2 E hi

THE FIVE STEPS – R.E.A.C.H.

2. Empathize3. Altruistic gift of forgiveness4. Commit publicly to forgive5 H ld t f i5. Hold on to forgiveness

“Forgiveness isn’t for wimps…In many ways, the destructive power of unforgiveness is much easier...”

1. How serious is the hurt?S i h ll i fid

THREE QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER…

Start with a smaller annoyance to gain confidence.

2. How raw is the wound?Don’t try to heal a wound while the blood is still wet.

3. Is the person absent from or still i lif ?present in your life?

In an ongoing relationship,you may be hurt again. See questions #1 & #2.

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“Recall the offense and my own hurt with empathy for the perpetrator.”

1. RECALL THE HURT

This step is different than the usual rumination about what happened. Empathy, in addition to being the complete second step, is included as an important part of this first step.

I need to put myself in the place and mindset of the perpetrator as I mentally walk through the events of the offense, from A-to-Z.

R i i h hRevisit the event as the perpetrator.

What happened that led up to the event?

What happened in each moment of the event?

What happened right after the event?

There are three levels at which empathy can be experienced:

1. Understanding: I simply understand the point of view of the

2. EMPATHIZE

other person.

2. Emotional Identification: I feel with and think with the other person.

3. Compassionate Empathy: I feel with and think with the other person, and I want to increase the happiness and d h ff i f h hdecrease the suffering of the other person.

If I want to forgive, then I need to experience compassionate empathy.

Revisit step #1 with this in mind.

Unselfish concern for the welfare of another.

This type of forgiveness is extended unconditionally. It is not

3. ALTRUISTIC GIFT OF FORGIVENESS

yp g ydependent on any interaction with the other person. It is not dependent upon any behavior on part of the other person. The other person could be dead.

For me to be forgiven, I was taught that I need to confess my hurtful behavior, and ask for forgiveness – before I die.

For me to offer forgiveness, this requires me to be more altruistic than the God about whom I was taught.

This forgiveness is not easy stuff, butin the book you’ll find helpful mental exercises.

I can write my forgiveness in a certificate, a letter, a journal, a poem or song.

I can tell my forgiveness to a trusted friend or to

4. COMMIT PUBLICLY TO FORGIVE

y gmyself, but I must say it aloud. I must say that

I have forgiven the particular personfor a particular offense.

This is a type of behavioral contract, and it is important, because later I might doubt my forgiveness…

1. If I see the person again2. If I’m hurt in the same way by someone else3. If I’m under a high level of stress4. If I’m hurt again by the same person

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If I do recall the hurt and suffer the pain again, then Imay feel my forgiveness wasn’t real, but this is not so.

If holding on to forgiveness is difficult then

5. HOLD ON TO FORGIVENESS

If holding on to forgiveness is difficult, thenone or more of these may help:

1. Realize that the pain of remembering is not unforgiveness. To forgive does not require me to forget.

2. Don’t dwell on negative emotions.

3. Remind myself that I have forgiven the person.

4. Refer to the commitment document I created.

5. Seek reassurance from a trusted friend.

6. Think through the REACH steps, again.

From the 2001 editionof

Forgiveness

From the 2003 editionof

Forgiveness

Worthington, E.L. (2003).Forgiving and Reconciling:

Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press.

The Relationship BetweenBetween

One’s Sense of Control & Anxietyy

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THE AUTONOMIC NERVOUS SYSTEM

Sympathetic Physiological

Arousal is High Parasympathetic Physiological

Arousal is LowBranch

o sa s gMore Anxiety

BranchLess Anxiety

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Laboratory research has identified increased autonomic activity (sympathetic acti ation) in an iet disorders incl ding:activation) in anxiety disorders including:

post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), andpanic disorder.

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THE EFFECT OFTHE EFFECT OF

INITIATING CONTACT WITH ANOTHERVS.

BEING APPROACHED BY ANOTHERBEING APPROACHED BY ANOTHER.

THE EFFECT OF

INITIATING CONTACT WITH ANOTHERINCREASES ONE’S SENSE OF CONTROL

AND PROACTIVE INTERESTVS.

BEING APPROACHED BY ANOTHERBEING APPROACHED BY ANOTHERDECREASES ONE’S SENSE OF CONTROL

AND INCREASES REACTIVE RESPONSES.

Fig. 1. Men's and women's (a) romantic desire for their speed-dating partners, (b) romantic chemistry with their partners, and (c) percentage of “yes” responses to their partners as a

function of which sex rotated.

Finkel E J , Eastwick P W Psychological Science 2009;20:1290-1295


THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEENTHE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN

MENTAL MOTION(thought speed and variability)

&&EMOTION

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Fig. 1. Diagram illustrating the relationship between mental motion (thought speed and variability) and affective experience.

Pronin E , and Jacobs E Perspectives on Psychological Science 2008;3:461-485


“I Love Lucy” ExperimentPronin et al. (2008) conducted an experiment using visual stimuli. Participants (N = 73) viewed a clip from the 1950s television situation comedy I Love Lucy (Arnaz, 1951), played without sound at either normal speed or fast speed (i.e., eight times normal speed).Participants narrated the clip as they p p ywatched. Afterwards, they reported their self-perceived thought speed and their mood.

“I Love Lucy” ExperimentParticipants who watched the clip at fast speed perceived themselves as thinking faster than did thoseas thinking faster than did those who watched the clip at normal speed. They also reported being in a more positive mood. Moreover, their self-perceived thought speed was predictive of that positive mood.

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ATTENTION, ATTENTION, PERCEPTION,

& MEMORY

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We are limited in our abilityWe are limited in our ability to pay attention.

We perceive

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that to which we attend.

A Selective Attention Test

Y ill f l O

“Count how many times the players

You will see two teams of players. One team wears white shirts and the other

team wears black shirts.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo

Count how many times the players wearing white pass the basketball.”

The focus of my attention forms the basis of myforms the basis of my

perception, and I create my reality based on my

iperceptions.

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SalientSalient Memories

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How many of us have experienced something so

f d th t h

“It seems like it happened

profound, that when we think about it…

“It seems like it happened just yesterday!”

“It seems like it happenedjust yesterday!”

The number of “intervening and related events” that occur between the original event and the current moment will affect our subjective perception of the amount of time that has lapsed since the original event.

1995 Feels So Close Yet So Far : The Effect of Event Markers on Subjective Feelings of Elapsed Time

“It seems like it happenedjust yesterday!”

The number of “intervening and related events” that occur between the original event and the current moment will affect our subjective perception of the amount of time that has lapsed since the original event.A BIRTH 1ST LOVE A WEDDINGA BIRTH 1 LOVE A WEDDING

A DEATH 9/11BOSTON - 2013

1995 Feels So Close Yet So Far : The Effect of Event Markers on Subjective Feelings of Elapsed Time

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…but still, we forget. The Seven Sins of Memory:How the Mind Forgets and Remembers

Daniel L. Schacter (2001)

1. Transience2. Absent-mindedness3. Blocking4. Misattribution5. Suggestibility6. Bias7. Persistence

The Seven Sins of Memory1. Transience: weakening of memory over time

2. Absent-mindedness: distracted attention

3. Blocking: thwarted search for LTM memory

4. Misattribution: loss of source memory

5. Suggestibility: implanted memory (Loftus)

6. Bias: memory revised on feeling more than fact

7. Persistence: repeated recall of information we’d prefer to forget - PTSD & Counter-factual Thinking

Mood & MemoryContext-Dependent Recall of Information

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M d hilMood while Learning

HAPPY SAD



Mood while

HAPPY SADHAPPY

Recalling SAD



HAPPY SAD

HAPPY Better Worse

Mood while

Recalling

HAPPY Recall Recall

SAD Worse Recall

Better Recall

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The red line marksth l t t fthe last moment of the colonoscopy.

The type of endingaffects our memory of our

ork lo e & plawork, love & play.

…an activity that adds joy to life:

…a best moments review at the end of the dayy

“What did you enjoy today (or this week)?” Name and count these memories.This activity helps to end the day well.This activity helps to end the day well.

It increases savoring.

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“Wh d j f ll l k f d

…another activitythat adds joy to life:

“What do you joyfully look forward to tomorrow (or next week)?”

This activity also helps to end the day well and begin tomorro ith a happ sense ofbegin tomorrow with a happy sense of anticipation. It increases savoring.

Four common indices have been identified that - alone or in combination –

SAVORINGalone or in combination

are the hallmarks of savoring a positive experience:

1. Displaying positive emotions nonverbally

2. Staying present in the moment of the event

3 Thi ki b h i3. Thinking about the experiencebefore (anticipation) and after (reflection)

4. Telling others about the experience

If I appreciate the current moment as a significant moment, then my enjoyment in g y j ythe moment increases, and I prolong my joy by savoring.

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Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.

O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163-165.Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

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…savoring.

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The type of endingaffects our memory of our

Let us all take care in the ways we say

work, love & play.

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The End.

in the ways we saygoodbye.

Loss of Control & Anxiety …but firstbut first, one item ... › faculty › rafterm › 0 0LLI... · FORGIVENESS IN 5 STEPS FORGIVENESS This portion of today’s information is

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