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L I X/ELY
pLAYSF OR
L IV E
P EO P LE
1/THOMAS STEWART DENISON
AUTHOR O F
Thir ty-d x plays ; also , An Iron Crow n
,
” “The Man Behind ,
’
Oiltlines of VVorld’
s H istory ,etc .
CHICAGO :
T . S. DENI SON,PUBLISHER
,
1 63 RANDOLPH STREET .
LIVELY PLAYS.
CONTENTS
Topp’
s Tw ins,comedy
,four acts
Patsy O’wang , farce
Rej ected,farce
The New Woman,comedy, three acts . .
On l y Co ld Tea, temperance
AF i rst-C lass Hote l,farce . .
Madame Pr inceton ’
s Temple of Beau ty,farce .
ADude in a Cyc lone,fa rce
It’
s all in the Pay S treak ,comedy
,three acts .
The Cobb ler,a monologue
Copyr ight , 1 895 , by T . S. Den i son .
ABOUT TH E PLAY.
The first requ is i te in a p lay is a lien,a fter that shou ld
be found as much nove l ty of inc ident and freshness of
dialogue , cosmb ined w ith or ig inali ty in character study ,
as the author can contr ive to get togeth er in these dayswhen apparent l y noth ing is wholl y new . These p laysare intended pr imar i l y for r epr esmmfz
'
ozz .
These exp lanat ions are made because the purposeof a prev ious vo l ume ofmy p lays , i ssued w i thout preface
,appeared -to have been m i sunderstood in a few
instances .
Pub l i c approva l,whether it be an in fa l l ib le gu ide or
not,in matters perta in ing to pr i nt, is a t least encour
ag ing , and th i s leads me to say thati
ofmy ear l i er playsthere have been so ld in paper covers f/zr ee izmm’
rm’and
twefzfy Mammal copies,bes ides an ed i t ion in c loth .
THEAUTHOR .
‘
Ch i cago , Ju l y 1 1,1 895 .
AFARCE-COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS
BYT. S . DENISONAutfior of
Odds wi th the Enemy ,In i tiating -
a G ranger , Wanted,a Correspondent , A
Fam ily S tr ik e ,Se th G reenb ack , Lou va ,
the Pauper,Hans V on Sm ash
,
B orrowing Troub le , Tw o Ghos ts in Whi te , The Pull-B ack . Coun try Justice
,The Assessor , The Spark ling Cup, Ou r Country , Ir i sh Linen
Peddle r , The SchoolM a’
am , Kansas Imm igrants , An Only Dau ghterToo M uch of a Good Thing , Under the Lau rels , H ard C ider
,
The Danger S ignal, W i de Enough for Tw o , Pe ts of Soc ie ty ,Is the Ed i tor In ? The N ew Wom an
,Pa tsy O ’w ang
,Re
j ected ,Only Cold Tea
,M adam P
’
s Beau ty Parlors , Topp ’sTw ins , AFirst-Cla ss Hotel, It
’
s all in the Pay-S treak
,
The Cobbler , ADude in a Cyclone , Friday Dialogues .
Also fi re N ovels,
The M an B ehind, An Iron Crown , etc.
CHICAGO :
T . S . DEN I SON,PUBLISHER
,
1 63 RANDOLPH STREET .
TOPP 'S TW IN S .
‘
TOPP’
STWINS.
CHARACTERS .
CADWALADER TOPP , of Topp Topp,tw in b roth
ers,oyster dea lers ,
old b ach elor,i rasc ib le
,va in
,
g reat st i ck ler for“honah ;
’ ’
wants to adopt tw ins ;fam i ly t rad i t ion ; stout man .
T ICK . (Alias JIM BAGGS . ) Trave l ing man of—_Topp
Topp ; typ i ca l drummer,rather cheeky
,qu i ck
,
appears b raver than he is ; ready for any adventureor pract i ca l joke .
JOSIAH '
IW IG GS,old fr i end of T i ck ’
s father ; parent ofAng ie and M rs. Tw iggs- ,
K nott who ca l ls herse l f“Tw iggs hyphen K nott.
”
MRS TWIG GS,a mother and grandmother of Tw igg
Sie and D ix ie,
’ ’
the tw ins .
MRS . Tw i GGs—K N OTT,mother of the tw ins
,and a w id
ow who knows how to get what she wants.
ANG IE TW IGG S,a b r igh t young lady .
BOB SPRATT,seedy adventurer ; he tr ies to work off his
tw ins on Topp ; in revenge prec i p i tates the duel,
v i lla in of the play .
MRS. DUBBLEDAM,housekeeper from Ho l land ; good
natu red,slow
,loquac‘ious.
G INGER POTTS,an Afr i can ; body servant of M r . Topp ;
a good dea l of the monkey ; com i c by natu re and
good in theory,wh ich theory is somet imes not
full y supported by facts.
DR . SHORT,the su rgeon , an an imated Wooden man .
Personages not appear ing on the stage , the roof tw ins,
“Tw iggs ie and D ix i e ; also Bob Spratt ’s tw ins
,
the v i ct im s of c i rcum stances,and ca l l ed for the
occas ion,Ben j am in H arr i son Spratt and G rover
C leveland Spratt .
COPYRIGHT,1 895 , BY T . s. DENISON .
6
TOPP ’S TW INS.
STAGE D IRECT IONS .
R . means r igh t of the stage ; C. ,center ; R . C.
r ight center ; L ,l eft ; I E
,fi rst entrance ; U . E.
,
upper en trance,etc ; D . E
,door in flat or back of the
stage . The actor is supposed to b e fac ing the aud i ence.
Time ofplay ing ,tw o liozer s.
BILL OF THE PLAY .
ACT I . T opp ’
s fam i l y trad i t ion demands tw ins.
ACT I I . “ She ’
s a li tt l e angel, I ’ l l see her father .ACT I I I . “Yes
,Topp old boy, you are in love for the
fi rst t ime in twenty years . But the od ious r iva lappears j ust at the w rong t ime and prec i p i tates d isaster .
ACT IV . The due l . The find ing of the Tw ins.
my Though th i s p lay has fu l l stage d i rect ions,i t may be presented in any ha l l, or l arge par lor even.
Two doors for ex i t and entrance is the ma in requ i remen t . Ow ing to the sty le of type the p lay is not so
long as i t seems.
PROPERT IES .
Numerous dummy letters,newspaper in wrappers
,
wr i t ing materia l s, gunny sack
,pa i r of corncutters
,sur
geon’
s k it,b race of p i sto ls in case for Spratt , a l so two
other p i sto l s,pocket tape- l ine
,cards for Spratt and
T ick , note books,co ins
,crash bag of b roken glass.
N oie. I f no scenery is at hand su i tab l e for Act IV ,
it may b e p layed s imp ly on bare stage str i pped of all
furn i ture and accessor ies .
mg F or h ints on p lay,see page 7 2 .
TOPP’S TWINS.
Ac ts 1 lll
Secretary
Chair
Door Tab le DOOI'
Act 1 !
Window
ChairO
Table0
0 ChairsDoor
Act IVLandscape Scene at Du eling Ground .
TOPP’STWINS.
ACT I .
SCEN E . H ome of MR . TOPP . H andsome sitting room ofa w ealtlzy man . D oors R . CO" L. in I E. (N . B .
- Street
door is always L ,w ay to inter ior of lzoase always R . )
also door inflat C. Table a nd Ma il's R . C . Small
secr eta ry ,w it/z mi r ror over it by flat L. C.
G IN . (Enter ing L. w ita‘ma il. ) I never see de l ike
of de ma i l ; dah’
s a bushe l 0’ l etters an
’
one paper.
(P a ts letter s on tabla-par t slide of onfloor ; lie does not see
taem . ) Dat paper is de San . M assa done read deBalt imore Sun
,mos
’
ever s ince de creat ion I ’
low .
(Reaa’s on tlze w r apper Topp£9“ Topp ,
N o. 3 B r‘
a ia’H ill
P la t e. D idn ’
t I read dat easy . Pshaw ! I k in readheaps
,
’
t icIarly i f dah’
s a picter to sort 0 ’
steer by .
M y poor ole mommy cou ldn ’
t read noth in ’
but de w rap
per , an’ I ’ Spect she guessed at dat . Crackey ! ed ica
t ion is m ighty power fu l somet imes. My ole mommycou ldn ’
t read an’
she (pauses)— humph, she so ld for a
thousand dollahs b efoh de wah. What ’
ud yoa se l l foh,
Ginger Potts ? You good fur noth in ’
n igger , you
wOuldn’
t' fetch a b lame cent . B ut your vote
,dat
’
s spotcash . (B ell r ings. ) F oh de Lord ’
s sake,w
’
at a i l s datbe l l . It
’
s done r ing in ’
all de t ime (Ex it L) .
9
TOPP ’S TW INS.
EN TER MRS . DUBBLEDAM R .
MRS . D . I h efer saw t ings l ike dot a l ready. Sevenmen hafb een at des ide door to se l l leetle togs toMeesterTopp. I get dem all away so gw ick as ever for MeesterTopp he hates togs a l ready fery much . H e vas a m ighty
gweer man an’
he gets no better,aint it ; he say to me
sudden like one day :“M rs . Tuppletam ,
we must havesome tw ins. I t inks to myself
,Meester Topp
,was
you cracy ? I fe l t myse l f yoost l ike a pu z z le,and he
yoost keep s ilence ; dot s i l ence w as embarrassed,so
-I
sa id a li tt le sharp, Vere you get some tw ins i i youp lease
,M r. Topp ? Dot man was aw ful cur ious
,ven
I haf temper he ha'
f none,somet imes
,and somet imes
he haf too much ; dot t ime he vas very qu i et,an
’
his
vo i ce like a woman’
s—4a woman,ven she is not mat
EN TER G IN GER,I fix
,w it/z more letter s .
G IN What racket is massa into now,M rs . Dubble
MRS . D . Tw ins. H e says,
“ M y gran’
fater was tw ins,
an’
my fater oont unc l e was tw ins ;'
my poor b rudder an’
me was tw ins, an ’
I’
m go in’
to have some tw ins to run
my pisness and pack oysters . I -yoost though t I’
d fa l lin a
'
heap . I guessed dOt man was talk in ’
out of his headalretty ; I could say not
’
one wort, but he turned round
an’
w alked out. Dot was de piggest pu z z le about dem
tw ins . So yesterday,at b reak fast , he say sudden l ike
Tuppletam ,I
’
m go in’
to advert i se for _ _dose tw ins.
G IN . Land o’
hOney , M rs. Dubb ledam~
look at de
letters. (P a ts tlzem 072 tlze taole amt somefallon t/zefloor .)MRS . D . We l l
,I hefer ; where does de letters come
from,G inger ? Apout tem tw ins ? What a lot 0 ’ peop les
IO
TOPP ’S TW IN S.
b in hav in’
tWIns ! Tw i ns must be plent ier dan perS immons.
GIN . De postman says dese letters b e long here ; deywou ldn ’
t take’
em at Number 5 .
MRS . D . I yoost get even on Number 5 ; I’
ll send
Numb er five de togs.
GIN . What dogs ?MRS . D . Dere ’
s been seven,
n ine men here m it
togs d is morn in .
’
G IN . De d i ckens ! ole massa ’
ll take a fit .
MRS . D . All sorts ’
o togs a t dot s ide door . B ig
N ewfounlant togs , rat togs, sky pups, oont all dot .
Dey make m e real mat say in ’
so often dot we want notogs. (B ell r ings . )G IN . B lame dat b ell.
MRS . D . G inger , why’
a int you more gw ick an
swer in’
dot bell ?G IN . (lmita ting lzei
'
accent. ) Nefer m int,I
’
m gw ick
enough already,a int i t ? Say , I wonder— (lelt violently )
i f somebody i sn ’
t play ing a tr i ck on ole massa ?
( Voice inside fr om door in fla t. )“Potts
,the b e l l .
Geem iny ; ole massa done heerd. Say , anybody fotchany k ids yet ?MRS . D . Dere was no shildrens—yet .
GIN . Dey’
ll come later,dey don
’
t g it up so a i rlyas de dogs. (B ell violently ,
woioe aga in . )“Where ’
s
that in ferna l n iggro . (Ex it GIN r apidly ,L. )
MRS . D . Dat n iggero gets so s low,efery-
day more .
Dear me,I
’
ll nefer get my work done to-day between
~
te togs, te letters Cont,Meester Topp ’
s wh ims,oont
tw ins,oont sooch l ike . (Ex it R . )
ToPP’
s TW IN S .
RE-EN TER.G IN GER w it/z T ICK L.
GIN . Massa a int done b rekfusted yet .
T I CK . (Sea ting lzimself oy taéle, R . C . ) I’
ll wa i t .
GIN . Somet imes massa’
s powerfu l s low com in ’
down,hadn ’
t yeh b ettah send in youah cahd ?
T ICK . No,thank s ; my bus iness can b e transacted
w i th him only .
G IN. (Aside. ) Dat
’
s_
bout de tw ins suah .
’Scuseme
,but did you fotch de k ids a long?
T I CK . What ’
s that ?
GIN . De ch i llen . Whah’
s de ch i l len ?T I CK . Ch i ldren ? I
’
m no marr i ed man .
GIN . Dat so ? Well,
'
-I’
low dat does make some dif
ference . (B ell aga in . ) Wi sht dat bell was in Jer i cho ;dere ’
s too many people com in ’ here I know . It’
s de
Sign‘
on de dooh. Massa Topp’
ll j est nate-rall y k i ll
dat pa inter who fumb led updat 3 so ye can’
t tell
it from de 5 , nor de 5 from de 7 . It’
s turn in’
de who lene ighborhood cra z y . (Ex it L. )T ICK ( Tal
’ ing appaper, r eads on w rapper,
Topp59°Topp . Hello
,here ’
s an adventure . I’
ve got . into'
the house of my employer , old Topp , of Topp Topp,
Oyster Packers. Well,i t
’
s too late to back out now,
I’ll sell him the dogs or b reak a trace try ing . Lucky
for me I’
m on the road most of the t ime . I th ink hedoesn
’
t know me . H e’
s as queer as all out 0’
doors .
"
I f he shou ld d iscover ’
me and get out of humor about ithe
’
d g ive me a passport to the street. (M editates . ) Ah,I have it ; I ’
m not Jim Baggs at all. The boys used
to ca l l me T i ckle . Laughed too easy and got thrashedfor it every day
“
,in school ; it became T i ck for short .
1 2
TOPP ’S TWIN S.
Now,I
’
m Simply T i ck,James T i ck
,Esq . ( Voice out
side. tel/yon ] must see llim. H ello !more dogs ?
EN TER G INGER AND SPRATT,L.
GIN . ( To SPRATT . ) Hadn’
t you bettah try No. 5 ,
sah ? I th ink dat ’s de p lace youall’ s look in ’
foh.
SPRATT . I have tr i ed No . 5 and they say No 3 is
the p lace.
G IN . S ’pose you try No . 7 .
SPRATT . Th i s is the p lace,I
’
m sure . I won ’
t be
put off. (Takes cna ir,eyes T I CK suspiciously
G IN . Cahd,s ir
,I
’
ll take in you r cahd . (SPRATTg ives soiled ca rd . ) (Aside. ) J im iny , dat
’
s a d i rty cahd,i f
I hand dat cahd toMassa Topp he ’
ll g ive me fits. (Tea rs
ca rd and tli row s i t under table. )’Scuse me (to SPRATT) ,
w’
at d id ye say yonah name was ?
SPRATT. (Grumbles. ) Con found the n igger . I gave
you my card.
G IN . Massa is a l i tt le ’
t i ck le‘
r ; he doesn’
t l ike cahds.
T ICK . I’
ve been that way myse l f— a fter stay ing toolong In the game
GIN . ( To SPRATT . ) Name,sah ?
SPRATT . Spratt .
G IN . (Gr ins ) Jack Spratt ?SPRATT . Imper t inen t !G IN . Yis, sah ; long name
,sah.
T I CK . By the way , what is your name ?
G IN . Potts , sah ! G ingeh Potts .
T I CK . G inger ; that’
s a l i vely name.
G IN . Name,sah !
T ICK .
‘
T i ck .
G IN . What ’s dat ?I3
TOPP ’S TWIN S.
TICK . I sa id T i ck,James T i ck !
GIN . Dat a int '
no Chr ist ian name ; ye’
s‘
d‘
one fool~
in’
me .
T I CK (Slipping coin znto G INGER ’ S liand. ) It i sn ’
t
T ick, but T ick goesG IN . (Bow ingprofasely.) To be suah ! James T i ck
,
Esqu i re (str ess on Esq . ) an’ Jack Spratt.
SPRATT . (Wit/c ofi ended dzgnizy . ) Robert Spratt .GIN . Yis
,sah ! James T i ck
,Esq and Bob Spratt .
SPRATT . (Aside) The monkey !
(Ex it GIN ,D . F .)
T ICK . (Ey ing SPRATT . Aside. ) If that guy is a dogfanc i er
,then I ’
ll qu i t the bus iness.
SPRA TT . (Aside ) H e looks too young for a fa t/zerin advers i ty . Guard ian
, poss ib l y . ( To T ICK . )”
Our
bus iness is mutua l,I presume .
T I CK . I presume you know . noth ing about it
SPRATT . (Aside.) A good guess.
“
H e is uneasy .
(To T ICK .) I presume we can b e fr iend ly about it .
T ICK . ( Tur ning a way . ) Presumpt ion is a good
th ing— for a book agen t.
SPRATT . (Aside ) Ahard case to handle . I ’ l l drawhim out . ( To T ICK . ) I f I may ask
, fatner ?
T ICK . Look h ere, stranger , you are impert inent.SPRATT . Then
,I am r ight ; You a r e a father.
T ICK . It’
s a lie ; I’
m not marr ied !
SPRATT . Beg pardon ; that makes some di fference.
T ICK . Some ! What do you mean by that ?SPRATT . You need not be so touchy . Th is is a
free and fa i r r i va l ry,isn ’
t it ?
T I CK . What are you talk ing about ? Are you an
escaped lunat i c ?1 4
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
SPRATT . You are insu l t ing . ( Tur ns aw ay ang r ily . )T ICK . (Aside ) What is he up to ? There ’
s some
th ing here too deep for me !
SPRATT . (Aside ) I’
d best conci l iate him . ( ToT I CK . ) Guard ian
,perhaps ?
T ICK . Guard ian ! What do I th ink of them on gen
era l p r inc i p les ? I don ’
t l ike them . I had one once .
H e spent all my money,then marr ied my on l y s i ster
and spent hers. I’
ve no use for them . I recommend
you to take one .
SPRATT . M e ! Con found your ins inuat ion . You
m i stake me ent i re l y . I
EN TER TOPP,D . F . ,
comes down C .
TOPP . (Eyes tkem w itk quick keen scr utiny . ) Good
morn ing , gent lemen,wh i ch is M r . D i ck Spratt ?
SPRATT . (Rusking upw it/cca rd . ) Robert Spratt,s ir.
T ICK . (Rusking upw itk ca r d caeli trying to g et akeaa’
of tbe otber . ) Here’
s my card sir,I represent— con
found it (bastily pocketing ca rd ) ; (aside) card of'
thefirm ; (confused) my name is James T i ck
,Esquire.
TOPP . (Wit/z slzglzt emp/zasis. ) Oh, I see , James T i ck,
Esqui r e; and Rob er t Spratt,Esquire, too, I presume ?
You r bus iness, gent lemen .
SPRATT . (Try ing to get akeaa’of T ICK . ) I have j ust
what you want s ir , r igh t here, lovely d i spos i t ion , good
hea l th, good stock
,pardon me i f I say it myse l f .
T I CK . (fnsinua ting lzimself befor e SPRATT . ) Pardonme my house— hang it , I don ’
t mean house—my goodsare A 1
, good hea l th , c lean sk in,and the most beaut i
ful long ears .
SPRATT . (Contenzptuouslya ) Long ears ! I ’
d be ashamed
to tell it !IS
TOPP ’S TW IN S.
T I CK . Long w inded , tr im in the flankSPRATT .
"Planks ! that ’s inde l i cate !T I CK . De l i cacy
,Indeed ; I
’
d like to know what de l icacy has to do in th i s case !TOPP . (Annoyed and puz z led . ) Noth ing ,
it seems,
gentlemen ; what on earth are you row ing about ? I fyOu have any
~~buSIness,we
’ l l reach it sooner one at a
t ime .
SPRATT . ( Vocifera ting ) I was here first .
T I CK . That ’
s fa lse,I was here first . Wasn
’
t I G inger ?
SPRATT . That in ferna l n igger sent me away threet imes b efore he ’
d let me in .
TOPP . (Stzfity ) We w i l l cons ider you fi rst . Pro
ceed.
SPRATT . AS I sa id,l i ve ly d ispos i t ion
, good hea l th,good stockT ICK . Can you furn ish a wr i tten ped igree ?SPRATT . Ped igree ! I am mak ing a note of your
insu l t ing language . ( To TOPP . ) In short,they are
just what you want .
T I CK . Hea l th is very important,but a l low me
(TOPP frowns a t T I CK wko stops) .SPRATT
.
~ The i r names s ir , are
TOPP .Bother the names ! Gent lemen
,I fa i l to com
prehend the ob j ect of th i s interv i ew . I deem yourbus inessabsurd . I f you have any propos i t ion to sub
m it do it in w r i t ing .
SPRATT . M y dear sir, the pen cannot do just i ce tomy love l yT ICK .
_
By the way , are they mangy ?SPRATT . I ’ l l stand th is no longer , your language
1 6.
TOPP’STW IN S.
M r . X .
, 3 D ruid H i II P lac‘
e :
S i r : Hav ing seen your advert isem ent for
lady amanuens i s,I hereby app ly for the p lace . I am
not'
exactly a b runette,but have b eaut iful
,wavy
,l ight
b rown ha i r w i th b lue eyes . Amtall,slender and grace
ful,and my fr iends say I am good look ing .
Well,rea l ly that ’s a strange l etter .
T I CK . (Aside ) Oho'
! th i s is gett ing i nteresting.
TOPP . What the deuce does the woman mean ? I shallneed an amanuens i s i f I answer all these . (Tkrow s letteraside toward T ICK and opens twoor tlzree mor e; T I CKpicks
TOPP . (Reading )“ Dear Sir z— I th ink I can fi l l the
b ill exactly . What b i l l ? That is d i rect . S igned, Maud
Ma rt in . (Opens anotlzer . )T ICK . (Reading )
“ I D ress sty l ish and am fond of
(P ause to make out word) .TOPP . (Reading ) I am a l ight b londe wi th clear rosy
comp lex i on and am (Pause to decipker word) .TI CK . (Reading ) Fond of amusements
, part icularly
TOPP .
“
(Reading ,puz z led. ) What is that —am —am
— edicated- vulgar th ing— no,it is not edicated
, (spells)edd icted— indeed— to the theatre. H um ; I
’
m not sur
pr i sed .
T I CK . (Reading . ) Opera part ies and a qu ietTOPP . Dear me
,th i s is all very cur ious. She ev i
dently thinks comp l ex ion and the cut of her gown has
someth ing to do w i th stenography . (Stops to tkink,
puz z led, opens anotker . Ama z ed to see T I CK r eading letter . )T I CK and a qu iet litt le oyster supper. Oh ! the
Old sinner. I’
m onto him .
1 8
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
TOPP . (Plus/ting ang ry . ) Look here , s ir , areyou here
yet ? And read ing my letters toO! Th is ismost ex traor
d inary ! Th is is too much,s ir !
T ICK . It is too much for one. You need he l p !TOPP . He l p ! What do you mean,s ir? I can manage
my a ffa i rs w i thout your ass i stance . I thought I to ldPotts toShow you out . (Rings bell vi ci ously . ) Where isthat n iggro ?
EN TER G IN . D . P
D id you r ing ,sah ?
D id I r ing ? I’
ve been r ing ing allmorn ing.
(B ow ing ) Yis, sah!
Potts,Show th is man out .
I done showed him de door wunst .
Show it to him aga in . Show him the outs ide
Yis,sah.
What about these letters ? They are apparently not m ine.
G IN . De postman done tote’
em heah. Dey wou ldn’
t
have ’
em at No. 5 .
TOPP . What has No. 5 to do w i th my ma i l ? I havenot advert ised for any amanuens is. Take them to No.
5 and say it’
s about the amanuens i s.
GIN . (B ewilder ed. ) A— man— you—and— what sortof a man did you say , sah
?
TOPP . Go ! Say‘
nothing l' P i ck upthose on the floor .
T I CK . (Aside ) The sly old dog . H e’
s hedg ing .
TOPP . (Looking at envelope. ) Potts !GIN . Yis
,sah !
TOPP . How did the postman get th i s address m ixedupw i th No. 5 ? That ’s a p la in enough 5 .
1 9
TOPP ’S TW IN S .
GIN . Ye’
see it’
s l ike d is,massa
,he
’
s anew man’
an
de pa inter done put so many querliques on d e figgers
when he pa in ted new numbers las ’
week dat ye can’
t tellde 3 from de 5 , nur de 5 from de De 3 has a handle
to It an’
de 5 has wh iskers, an’
de 7 loo'
ks powerfu l groggy ,
’
an sorter bow- legged .
TOPP . Oh !’
h igh art on a transom . I see.
G IN . Yes,
sah ! H igh art , so h igh de postman
cou ldn ’
t see i t .
TOPP . Have our number re-pa inted pla inly at Once;and see that it i s a 3 . Counfound th i s so-ca l led
-
art i sti cletterIng . Peop le w i l l take the p lace for a Ch ineselaundry . (B ell
,ex it GIN . ) (To TI CK . ) Aren
’
t you go
ing, Sir ? Can’
t you take a h int ?T I CK . (B ow ingpolitely. ) I am wa i t ing to be Shown
Out.
”
(M oves down L. )TOPP . (Apologetically . ) Oh
,to be sure ! I beg your
pardon .
T I CK . Don’
t ment ion it .
RE-EN TER GIN . L. w itk MRS . Tw IGGs—KN OTT,
ske goes upC.
GIN . (Announces ) M rs. Tw iggs-Knott .
TOPP . (Advancing ) Eh?’
What is the heme ?“
MRS . T-K . Tw iggs-hyphen-K nott .
TOPP . Ah,tobe sure !
_
To what do I owe the p leasure of th is ca l l
,M rs . Tw iggs-hafaknot ?
M rs . T-K . I beg your pardon ! It isn’
t Tw iggs-hyphen-Knott ! s imp ly Tw iggs-Knott . I spe l l it w i th a
hyphen .
-TOPP . And'
prOnounce it w i thout a hyphen .
MRS. T—K . Yes.
20
Topp’
s TWINS.
TOPP .
_
I see . I beg your pardon ,madam ! (Aside )
Dev i li sh fine womanJA
MRS . T—K . Twiggs, ma iden name ; Tw iggs-K nott,
marr i ed name .
TOPP . I comprehend, per fectly . (Aside ) Aw idow !T ICK . (Aside ) I wonder i f the old Mormon w i l l
take th i s tr i ck ?TOPP . M rs. Tw iggs-K nott
,may I enqu i re to what
I owe th is p leasure ?MRS. T—K .
“
Certa in l y ! I called in answer to youradvert isement !
TOPP . (Sta r ting ) There ’
s a m i stake !T I CK
. (Aside) S l y old dog !
MRS . T—K: I think there is no m i stake . I ca l ledat No . 5 , and they sa id it was No. 3 .
TOPP . I am sure it must b e one ofmy ne ighbors.
M ay the“
dev i l take that pa inter ! I mean,begg ing
pardon madam,try No . 7 . (Aside ) An adventuress.
MRS . T—K . I did try 7 and they sa id they cou ldn ’
t
be pestered w i th other peop le ’
s callers. They weresure th i s
’
i s the r ight p laceTOPP . A fig for the i r assurance ! I w i sh peop leWou ld m ind the i r -own bus iness. (Aside ) Good Lordde l iver me ! (To MRS . T—K . ) Madam
, go home and
make an inventory of your attract ions.
M rs. T—K . S i r !TOPP . Schedu l e you r charms !
MRS. T—K . T hey are i ndeed very charm ing .
TOPP . (Aside ) The b ra z en baggage ! ( To lzer )Make out your spec ificat ions.
T ICK . Marked “ Exh ib i t A,etc.
MRS . T-K ! Is it so very important as that ?2 1
TOPP ’
S TW IN S" ;
TOPP . (Aside ) I’
ll scare her away ! ( To li er . ) Oh !
yes, of the utmost importance . The stra i n Is espec ia l l yT ICK . Yes
,the stra i n I S everyth ing , m ine 1 5 all0. K .
in the books.
TOPP . (Surpr ised ) Saynow ! Are you here yet , youngman ? Exp la in your conduct
,s ir . Con found you , you
are listen ing to a pr ivate conversat ion .
T I CK . I’
m wa i t ing to b e shown out .
TOPP . Oh,to b e su re ! Where Is that in ferna l niggro.
(R ings bell. )T I CK . The ped igree ofm ine is w i thout a flaw . They
are from Spots,mother F ly , S i re , Rob inson Crusoe .
(TOPP a nd MRS . T -KLookpuz z led. ) Are yours down inthe books ?
MRS . T -K . In the books ? I don ’
t understand you .
T ICK . Who was the i r SIre ?MRS . T -K ! Sir ? Th e i r s i re ? Th is is grossly insu l t
(Scr eams ) Oh,dea r m e
,oh
,oh. S i r (To
are you a man to see a woman thus insu l ted in you r ownhouse ?TOPP . (Cr osses toL ,
to T I CK . ) What the dev i l are youdomg ?
T I CK .
‘ I don’
t know .
M RS.
‘
T‘
—K . (Scr eams lzyster ically ) Oh,my prec ious
dar l ings ! Oh, my dea r li ttle angels ! Oh,
-I shallfa int !
TOPP . She ’
s gO Ing
’
to fa int . (P r ances a round ex cited
ly ) Where ’
s that n iggro ?
MRS . T-K . (Hyster icallyl) Help ! (About tofa int. )TOPP . Allow me madam ! (About to suppor t li er . T ICK
adr oitly slides betw een,ca tcking lier
T ICK . Al low me madam !
MRS . T-K . (Hastily standing er ect. ) You Oh, you
22
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
wretch! How dare you ! I ’ l l leave th i s house at once,
s ince a lady is not free from insult here .
TOPP . But,madam
,allow me to exp la in— I beg you
w i l l not be hasty,stay—th ere she goes
— (Size ex its in
dudgeon . L. ) (To T I CK . ) Th i s is d i sgraceful, s ir !
T ICK . I qu i te ag ree w i th you , and a t you r age too.
Now why do you prefer a b londe ? B runettes are more tomy taste .
TOPP . (In tow er ing passion . ) Your taste ? B londe !B runette ! I have expressed
i
no cho ice, you impert inent
'
cox comb . Why don ’
t you go ? Where is that n iggro ?I f he doesn ’
t k ick you down sta i rs,I w i l l . (Going to
bell. )EN TERGIN . L. AN G IE follow ing appear s in door .
GIN . Massa Topp,a young lady dat wants to see you .
TOPP . (Cross ) Send her away,I wont see her . (Sees
Ang ie, wlzo comesforw a rd smiling ; lze ckanges. ) Ah ! yes,wha t can I do for you ?AN G IE . I ca l led in answer to you r advert i sement .
TOPP . (Calming dow n . ) H um ! yes . (Aside ) Con foundit
,wh i ch does she mean ? (To ANG IE . ) Be seated .
Sha l l I beg in ?AN GIE . Thank you ! (Seats lzer self clza ir L. )T I CK . (Aside ) Typew r i ter or dog fanc i er ?
TOPP . (Aside ) Can’
t be tw ins. Typewr i ter ofcourse .
(ToAN G IE . )'
M ay I ask , do you take read i ly ?
AN GIE . (Confused ) Why,s ir
,I— yes
—that is,my
fr iends te l l me I am very tak ing !
T ICK . (Aside ) Oho !
TOPP . (Confused. Admir es li er . ) I qu i te agreew i th them
,but you m i stake my mean i ng . I .meant
ah— are you rapid?23
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
AN GIE . (Rising offended .) S i r !T ICK . (Stepping between tkem,
L. C. ) Allowme to ex
p la i n ! She do’
esn’
t catch on .
AN GIE . (Laugks. ) No,I don ’
t !
‘ TOPP . (B r as/Zing T IC K aw ay . Aside ) It must be
tw i ns,th en . ( ToAN G IE Wr i te fu ll part icul
,ars g i ve
fam i ly h istory , etc .
T I CK . And b e sure to name the s i re . Stra in is
everything ih
TOPP . You are in the presence of a lady,s ir . Conduct
yourse l f accord ingly , or I shall hold you respons ib le .
(P uslzes li im aside.
T ICK . You don ’
t play tlza'
t game on me ! I’
m —not
respons ib le .
TOPP . A correct ob servat ion,on my l i fe .
T I CK (Getting betw een tlzei i z . ) Don’
t'
bother me.
Th i s - is my customer . (P ulls TOPP aw ay C. )TOPP . What is that you say ?
AN GIE . (P uz zled. ) Goodness, me,what are they
both talk ing about !
TOPP . (Aside ) There ! wrong aga i n ! It is dogs.
(Ang ry ) Madam u —m i ss,If there Is any thing I
— (Stops .
Aside. ) I must b e c i v i l . She ’
s very pretty . Mi ss,I
th ink you had b est go home and w r i te about them .
(Aside. I’
ll buy them and drown th em .
T I CK . Old Blueb eard ! She ’
s a dea r l ittle ange l .TOPP . There is my card. I ’ l l be deligh ted to hear
from you .
T I CK . (Aside ) Who doub ts it ?AN G IE . Thank you very much
,M r . Topp .
TOPP . Don ’
t ment ion it,pray . By the way I ’
lltake
your address. ( Takes out note book . T I CK does same )24
TOPP’
S TWINS.
TOPP . Eh,what ’
s that you say ?TI CK . Oh, noth ing much !TOPP . (B ows and leads w ay for ANGIE , going L I
am delighted ,M iss Tw iggs— deligh ted w i th th i s shortca l l . Potts w i l l Show you out in a m inute .
EN TER GIN . L.
Potts,stir yourse l f ! show th i s young lady out.
G IN . Yis,sah.
TOPP . And Show that young man out,too. You
b lack rasca l,I told you to do that before .
G IN . Yis,sah (Sta r tsL. AN G IE and TICK follow ing ) .
TOPP. Ho ld on there a moment,Potts ! Don
’
t you
know better than that ? Show the young lady outfir st.’
( Takes T I CK by colla r andpulls'
lu'
m back . ) Don’
t th ink
you shall eSCapeso eas i l y . I shall ho ld you accountab le
,s ir.
T I CK . It’
s my tu rn to be shown out . Haven ’
t Ibeen wa i t ing for an hOur to b e shown out ?
TOPP . You don ’
t go j ust yet , young man,I have
use for you .
T ICK . (Goes upR . ) H e recogn i z es me at last. My
p lace is as good as vacant. ( Tur ni ng back ) ,I am at
your serv i ce,M r . Topp .
TOPP . Very we l l . Now What do you mean,sir , by ,
com ing into my house in th is way , poki ng Into my letters
,li sten i ng to my pr ivate a ffa i rs and tak ing the
addresses of lady ca l l ers ? Th i s Is outrageous , s ir !T I CK . (Aside ) H e doesn
’
t know me. I’
ll b luff a
l i tt le . (To T. ) Do me the favor to ob serve that I camehere on busm ess
TOPP . Bus iness ! What is your business,pray ? Why .
havn’
t you stated it an hour ago ?
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
T ICK . I never crowd a customer .TOPP . (Surpr ised ) Customer !T I CK . I always wa i t t i l l he is not busy
,then I get
him into a good humorTOPP . (Snor ting ) Oh
, you do ; then let me say
that I am not in a good humor .T I CK . No
,your humor is bad .
TOPP . And I w i l l have none of you r attempts at
w i tt i c i sm .
EN TER GIN . L.
G IN . Massa Topp,dem k ids is cry ing fit to k i l l !
TOPP . K ids ! What do you m ean by k ids ?
G IN . Wy dat gemmen l eft two k ids in de yard .
TOPP . Goats on my lawn ! They ’ l l ru in all the
shrubbery . Of all th ings I detest a goat .
a F irst we
were beset by a leg ion of dogs , now we are threatenedw i th goats. Th is is n o menager i e . Put th em out at
once,at once I say ,
before they ru i n the p lants.
GIN . But massa
TOPP . Go immed iate l y or I’
ll thrash'
you . (P icks
uppaper -w ezg/zt to tkrow . _G IN ex its r apidly L. ) I
’
ll
have to part w i th that n iggro .
TICK . Old fam i l y reta iner , I suppose ?TOPP . Yes, and l ike most he i r looms of no va lue
whatever . H e is one of the fix tures in the fam i l yalong w i th our trad i t ions . H is grandfather was ser
vant ofmy grandfather ; his mother was my nurse .
T ICK . It is very commendab le of you , sir,to bear
w i th his fa i l ings.
TOPP .
' We l l,I doub t it somet imes. But as I sa id ,
he is a fixture a long w i th our trad i t ion of tw ins ; tw inb rothers have been at the head of the firm of Topp
27
TOPP ’S ' TW INS.
Topp for three generat ions, When my poor b rOthef d i edfive years ago the line was b roken . Now
,a las
,i t
'
i snecessary to resort to adoption .
T I CK . Very sad,sir
,to see an honored old house
On the verge Of ext inct ion .
ENTER G IN and SPRATT L. (T/zey listen . )TOPP . You r sent iments are very commendab le
,very!
But,hang it , s ir
, you make too s'
ure of your prem i se.
I am on the -
verge , but not the verge of ex t inct ion .
T I CK .
’
What verge , thenTOPP . (W
'
itb sudden gayety . ) M y boy , it makes me.
so good natured to th ink of it,and your inqu isi t iveness
is so very refresh ingthat , by Jove , I’
ll grat i fy it . I’
m
go ing tomarry that young lady .
T I CK . (Aside ) Well, he has assurance. Ar i va l !
(To TOPP . ) I adm i re your taste .
TOPP . Aint I a l ucky Chap ? Gad,I fee l twenty
five . I th ink fifty-five is not very old,What do you say ?
T I CK . Not so old as seven ty -five .
TOPP. (G rowle ) Seventy-fiVe is not in quest ion,
( To kimself . ) Ah ! I ’
m in luck . That l i tt leb londe (or b runette , as the case may b e) is very pretty !T I CK . (Aside ) I
’
llhead him off! (To TOPP . ) M ayI suggest , s ir ,
that your acqua intance w i th the younglady is rather b r i ef .TOPP . A fig for your suggest ion . She ’ l l come
around a'll‘ r ight . By the way , your alleged bus iness
seems to cons ist ch iefly in pok ing your nose in to otherpeople ’
s a ffa i rs. I have suggested severa l t imes that
you take you r leave .
T ICK . (B ow ing ) At your p leasure . I’
m wa i t ing tobe s hown out .
28
TOPP ’S . TWIN S .
TOPP . O,to be sure ! I beg pardon . I
’
ll r ing for myman . (Sta r ts to D . F . to pull bell. Sees GIN . a nd
SPRATT in door . ) Potts, you there ! H avn’
t I to ld
you a thousand t imes not to stand li sten ing ?G IN .
’
An ’
bout’
Ieven hundred t imes never to speakwh i le other fo lks was talked to .
TOPP. S i l ence" Who is th i s person ? (S PRATTsteps in .)GIN . Dat
’
s de man wot fotched de k idsTOPP . ( To SPRATT , w itk temper . ) D id you leave
any k ids on my lawn ! s ir ? That is act ionable . I’
ll
prosecute you . I ’ l l see i f there ’
s any law for mak ingbed lam out of a qu i et ne ighborhood , and turn ingob ject ionab le an imals loose on one
’
s lawn . Potts,take
away those k ids .
SPRATT . (Ang r ily . ) K ids ? How dare.
’
you a l ludeto G rover C l eve land Spratt and Ben j am in Harr isonSpratt in . that way ?
TOPP . Your nomenc lature is r i d i culous .
S PRATT . I b eg to d i ffer . Not know ing your po l iti cs
,I though t I’
d p lease you one way or. the other . Youcan change wh i chever name you don
’
t l ike .
TOPP . I don ’
t like e i ther . I am a Proh ib i t ion i st!SPRATT . Then change both !TOPP . Change both ! I ’ l l have them drowned ,Potts
,do you hear that ? D rown them !
G IN . (Sta r ting ) FohdeLord ’
s s ake,Massa Topp
,
dat’
s more dan '
my consc i ence k in stan’
.
SPRAT T . I over look your i nsu l t. To return to
bus iness, you advert i sed for th em .
TOPP . What,I ! Never ! Take themaway instanter
or I ’ l l not'
answer for the i r l i ves.
29
TOPP ’S TW IN S .
SPRATT . You gray eheaded old monster !TOPP . (Enr aged )
'
What ! Ca l l me names in my
own house.
SPRATT . Yes,and I
’
ve a mind to chast i se you .
TOPP . Chast i se me? Don’
t“
you try it . (Point ofspa r r ing . Ca tckes cr ick in skoulder . SPRATT laugks. )Laugh ing at me
, you ruffian ! I’
m not so decrep i t,sir
,
I’
d have you understand !SPRATT . (B oastingly . ) I could do you in a m inute.
TOPP . I am forget t ing myse l f , you are b eneath mynot i ce . Potts
,show th is mah
‘
out .
T I CK . (Aside ) Th i s is a good t ime for me to go
and_
see Angi e . (Looks in note book . ) Cottage No . 3
Fernda le Park .
GIN . Beg pardon ,massa
,d id you Say skow him out
or tkrow him out ?
TOPP . Ei ther ! U se
—
your p leasu re . Get r id ofhim .
GIN . (To SPRATT . ) Do you see dat doob ?
SPRATT . I ’ l l have the law on you . (B acking-
out L.
GIN . Scoot ! ( SPRATT ex its j ust akead of GINGER’
S
boot. )TOPP . Here ’
s a forenoon wasted by a-pack of luna
t i cs.
I
(P ause ) What does th i s i nterna l tumu l t mean ?
(P acesfloor ) It i sn ’
t the threats of that man . Bah,
the bi
raggart ! I feel so l ight - hearted. M y pulse is
bound ing . (P eelspulse. ) About 85 . I fee l t he bouyancy and l ightness of th i rty years ago . (Sings suatek
of old song )-I
'
feel j ust as happy as a b ig sun flower,
That nods and bends in the b reez es ,And my heart is as l ight asThe w ind that b lows the l eaves from off the treeses.
30
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
I haven ’
t been that way s ince I was forty . At th i rtyI was in love w i th every pretty face and figure . Whata pretty name
,Ang ie. (Enter GIN ) And those eyes !
(GIN makes ex travagant gestur es of satisfaction . ) Andthat exqu i s i te l i tt le mouth ! And what a love l y ch inah ! the ch in is an important feature . Yes
,Cadwa l
ader Topp,th i s is love. (G IN makes gestur e of embra c
ing a l ady .) Old boy you have it aga in ,same old
symptoms aggravated . I’
ll dress at once and ca l l onher th i s very day . At my age no t ime is to be lostMy age ! Pshaw ! Age does not consist in yea rs.
( Tur ns suddenly , sees GIN . D . E in act of embr acingimag ina ry lady . Tableau . )
QUICK CURTAIN .
ACT I I .SCENE . H ouse of JOSIAH TW I GGS . Cozy sitting room .
D oor s in I R . andL,w indow by door R and inflat. P ur
niture t/zat offamily in comfor table ci rcumstances. Table
nea r w indow upR pictur es,vases
,etc. D iscovered,
M r . and M r s . Tw iggs seated by table.
MRS . T . Jos iah,do you th ink there is anyth ing in
that advert i sement in the Sun ?
MR . T . Wh i ch advert isement,Sophron ia ? There are
severa l hundred of them .
MRS. T . I mean the one about wea l thy gent leman
who wants to adopt tw ins. Is there anyth ing in it ?MR . T . Ata l e ofd i sappointed asp i ra t ion , probab l y .
Agent leman,w i thout doub t
,whose taste runs to tw i ns
and who has been reduced to the necessi ty of advert ising for them .
3 1
TOPP ’S TW IN S .
MRS . T. But what do you th ink of it ?
MR . T. F or my
,
part,I ’ don
’
t approve of tw ins .
MRS. T . Don’
t you’
think he is a crank ?MR . T . Very l ikely ! Acrank is an ind i v idua l whose
ideas d i ffer from o i rs and m ine and who takes no pa insto concea l the fact .
MRS. T . Do you th ink -he’
s all“r igh t (H ands kim
MR . T . (Looking a t adver tisement. ) H e says h igh connect ions , honorab le gen tleman
,etc . I guess he ’
s whathe c la ims to be . H e must be
,he says so h imse l f .
MRS . T . The ma in th ing is, is he r ieli ?
MR . T . Yes,that ’
s the ma in th ing .
‘Honor,culture ,
fam i l y,are m inor cons iderat ions .
MRS . T . Jos iah,don
’
t b e sarcast ic . You a lways!
try
to tw i st my m ean ing round. I’
m go ing to have M rs
Tw iggs-K nott app ly at once. It would be so n i ce forTw iggsie and D ix ie .
MR . T . Why not try to get th i s est imab le S ing le party of high connect ions to marry one of our daugh ters ?MRS . T . Jos i ah , how you talk !
MR . T . That is -a b etter sch em e . I f he takesAme l iahe gets the tw ins thrown in ,
and i f he takes Ang i eMRS . T . Fo r shame
, Jos iah , one Would th ink that wewere schem ing for our dear ch i ldren.
MR . T . Oh,no !
“ per i sh the thought ! (K nock a t
door,R . )
MRS. T .
i
‘ H i st ! Go to the door . (TW IGGS opensdoor R . )
EN TER MR . TOPP .
“
TOPP . Ah ! ex cuse me ! Is th i s M r . Tw iggs ?TW IGGS . Yes
,come in .
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
TOPP . I'
mean ske.
MR . T . H e,She
,them ! Who
,wh i ch
,what ! I see !
MRS . T . H e means Ame l ia,the mother . H owsud
den !
TOPP . She a moth er !EN TER AN G IE
,R . Crosses to MRS. T . ,
w /co r ises.
MRS. T . (N udg ing T . ) Acha rm ing gentleman ,
I’
m
sure . ( To TOPP . ) M y daugh ter , s ir.
TOPP . ( B ow ing ) Ah, m iss , that is to say , madam— f
I came
AN GIE . (B ow s baskfully ; su rpr ised. ) S i r , I do not
understand th i s sudden call.TOPP . Ofcourse not . Exp lanat i ons w i l l fo l low du ly .
MRS . T . (Wi t/i meani ng look . ) A fr i end l y ca l l mydear , and a li tt le bus iness m ing led .
MR . T . Yes , bus iness fi rst“
and p leasure a fter.
TOPP . I d i s l i ke the word “business but— perhapS
sent iment shou ld out no figure in such matters. (Aside )Mercenary w retch es !ANG IE . (To TOPP . ) Then my m i ss i on has not been in
va i n ?TOPP . No
,indeed . I assure you though
i t may have orig inated in a m istake .
AN G IE . Am i stake !TOPP . G reat events have sprung from l i tt le m isun
derstandings. To make a long story short,M r. Tw iggs,
I have come d i rect l y to youMRS . T . (P uz z led ) To him ?
TOPP . And why not to him,madam !
MRS . T . Very proper,Sir . You have acted in a b us i
ness- l ike manner . ( To TWIGGS . ) Avery n i ce party !TOPP . (Aside ) Bus iness aga in ! (D ow n R . )
34
TOPP ’S TWIN S
MRS T . ( To TW IG GS . ) Wh ich does he want , w i fe or
MR . T .
B oth !
MRS . T . Shock ing ! how very strange !TOPP . H um! as I was say ing— (To MRS . TW IGGS . )
And you , m adam,
‘
s ince I take i t you should be consulted a lso
,where do we find ourse l ves ? (P ause
,tkey all
look a t one anot/zer . )MRS . T . Proceed , sir .
MR . T . Yes,we are all ears .
TOPP . I was about to suggest that the presence of
your daugh ter may b e embarrass ing .
MRS . T . Oh,neve r m ind her . She is used to hear
ing allsuch matters d i scussed .
TOPP . (Sta r ting ) Ah, indeed ! Such matters— (Aside )I don ’
t l ike th is ; Atrap— (Apause. )MRS . T . Cont inue
,my dear s ir.
TOPP . Madam,I do not agree w i th you . I had the
p leasure of see ing your daughtér but once,and I W ish
to sat i sfy myse l f a l i tt le concern ing certa in matters. In
short,a pr iva te interv i ew is the proper th ing .
MRS . T . Mercy me l— Oh,I b eg in to understand . H e
wants to ta lk to you ,Jos iah . How stup id you are .
MR . T . Exact l y ! H ow stup id we are .
MRS . T . Wha t is the man dr iv ing at ? (Suddenly toTOPP . ) Who are you ?
MR . T . Yes,as a mere forma l i ty it m ight be we l l
to know your name .
TOPP . S ince you r daugh ter has a l ready ca l led on
me perhaps she w i l l do me the honor of an introduc
t ion . (Aside ) She’
s a li ttle ange l .
35
TOPP ’S TW INS.
MRS . T . M y daughter has called on you ? Is thi sso
,Ang ie dea r ?AN G IE . Yes
“
,mother .
MRS . T . In answer to an advert isement?
AN GIE . Yes.
MRS. T . (H‘
yster ically ) Oh, rash girl! Th i s is terr ib le ! Th is is the w retch who advert i sed for r a younglady for pr ivate secreta ry . (Sa r castically . ) Ta ll
,b londe
preferred,etc .
,etc. (H er e descr ibes ANGIE . ) Oh
,s i lly
ch i ld ! Oh,horr id w retch ! Jos i ah
,w ill you endure
th is insu l t and never say one word or l i ft a”hand in
defense of your fi res ideM R . T . Never
'
m ind the fi res ide,it
’
s all r igh t . Whatdoes the gent l eman want
MRS . T . What does he want ? he ’
s a monster !AN G IE . (Remonstra ti -ng ) Oh
,mother !
TOPP . (Astounded. ) Madam,one word
MRS . T . ( Trag ically) Wretch ! Not a word ! My
poor lamb ! ( TakesA. in ker a rms . ) Left w i thout a protector. And the wo lf is at the door .
EN TER T ICK suddenly, R .
T ICK . Wolf at the door ! (Aside ) That’
s ha rd on me .
TW IGGS . Who the dev i l are you ,s ir, to enter my house
in th is uncermon ious fashion ?T ICK . I hea rd the sound of females in d i stress. I
answered the ca l l . Madam,you r lamb shall have prO a
‘
tect ion . The po l i cy of th i s great free Country isMR . T . Bosh ! I have not the p leasure of your ac
qua intance . Who areyou ?
TOPP . B l ess my sou l,our dog
-fanc ier aga in ! St i ckto your trade young man ,
and don’
t meddle w i th po l i t ical economy . You had b etter go , s ir.
36
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
MR . T . And who are you to order peop le out of my
house . You had better go too .
T I CK . Yes, go to Waves li im away w it/z comicalges
TOPP . (Aside ) Ordered out ofmy own house ! (ToT I CK) Con found i t
,I
’
ll not go !
MR . T . Then I sha l l b e ob liged to ej ect you .
T I CK . That ’
s r igh t , old man,throw him out . (Crosses
L. to ANG IE and MRS. T . ) Don’
t be a fra id lad i es .
‘M R‘
. T . Now go w i l l you !TOPP I won t !MR . T . We
’
ll see about that. (B usiness ofpuskingTOPP tow a rd door
,R . )
TOPP . Why b less me i f he dosen ’
t mean it . We l l,
I d idn ’
t graduate in a un i vers i ty for noth ing . I knowa l i tt le of the man l y art . (H its TWIGGS a nd knocks lzim
over table,sending books fly ing . ) You have a li tt le my
advantage in years (or kezgli t, or w ezglzt, as case may be)b ut you ’ re welcome to it .
TW IG GS .“
(Recover ing ) Don’
t come on aga in ! My
b lood is up.
TOPP,Your b lood ! (K nocks TW IGG S into w indow and
br eaks it. )MRS . T . (Ruslzes between tlzem. ) Don
’
t hurt him, Jo
s iah .
M r. T . Do not alarm yourse l f , my dear , I ’ l l not .
T ICK . (Getting r eaoy to kold TOPP . ) S teady boys,
steady .
TOPP . (F ling ingT I CK aside. ) Get out ofmy way .
MR . T . You have b roken my w indow .
TOPP . My w indow ,i f you p lease , s ir .
MRS . T . Your w indow ?
37
TOPP ’S ' TW IN S .
TOPP . Yes,madam
,my
'
w indow .
MRS . T . (Scr eams ) Mercy me,it
’
s M r . Topp,our
land lord .
MR . T . What ! M r . Topp,of Topp Topp ?
TOPP . (Wit/i g r ea t dignity . ) Yes, sir,Cadwalader
Topp,so le propr ietor of Topp Topp , oyster packers .
My card , s ir . (H ands ca rd . ) You have treated me w i th
great indign ity, SIr. I sha l l not forget i t . (Going )M R .
‘T . All r igh t , m ake a note of it,i f you choose .
MRS. T . (P ulling a t TW IGGS ’ coat. ) Jos iah , we are uhdone . Run and apolog i z e .
MR. T . Apo log i z e , never ! Now Si r, (F ollow i ng
TOPP . ) I challenge you to a round outs ide ; (MRS. T .
Scr eams . )AN G IE . Mother
,please b e qu i et .
TOPP . I’
ll have you upfor assau l t and battery .
MR . T . Try it i f you da re .
T ICK . Three cheers for the old man .
TOPP . And what ’smore , you shall repa ir that w indow !M r . T . Never !MRS . T . Jos iah
,do be qu iet . You are so _ Indiscreet.
TOPP . We’
ll see about it. Take my word for that .
You have the form of l ease wh i ch reads “All repa i rs atexpense of tenant . And now M r . Tw iggs, s ince youknow who I am I l eave you to your own reflect ions.
(Going R . )MRS . T . Please
,sir
,don
’
t b e hasty ! Th i s is all am i stake .
TOPP . I qu i te agree In that sen t imen t . Madam a greatm i stak e
,but not too late to mend i t. (Going R . ) I w i th
draw my proposa l for your daugh ter’
s hand. (Ex it R .)MRS. T . Daughter
’
s hand !“
Oh ! oh! support me Jo
38
ToPP’
s TW INS.
Siah . I f you don ’
t I s/iall fa int . (H e moves to suppor t lier ;pusli es mm of ang r ily . ) Jos iah, follow him at once andapo log i z e , or I shallAN G IE . Let the old b ea r go . The i dea !T I CK . (Aside ) Good for the l i ttle one .
MRS . T . Jos iah,we are undone .
MR . T . U nderdone, you m ean .
MRS . T . That ’
s j ust like you ,Jos iah
,to perpetrate
sma l l -beer w i tt i c i sms over the m i sfortunes of your ownfam i l y . Now you are actuall y laugh ing .
MR . T . Do you w ant me to cry , Sophron i a ?MRS . T . No
,It
’
s a man’
s place to b e b rave and asserthis r igh ts .
MR . T . I was too b rave,my dear . (Looks a t broken
w indow,alllaug/i . )
M RS. T . [ shall not let him w i thdraw so eas i ly . Isha l l w r i te and say his propos i t ion is cons idered favorab l y .
AN G IE . Oh,mama ! How indelicate .
M rs. T . P ooh,my ch i ld , you know noth ing about
such matters. Even deli cacy may b e overdone .
AN G IE . I detest him,mama .
MRS . T . You w i ll learn to love him . Cons ider itsettled .
T I CK . (Aside ) Then I am undone . ( To MRS .’
T . )Madam
,your prec ious ch i ld has indeed escaped a wolf
H e is an old mormon,or worse
,I
’
ll b et ten dollars .
M RS. T . H e’
s worth m i l lions.
MR . T . And yet he won t pay for that w indow .
MRS . T . Jos iah,it is pa in fu l tO th ink how you let
sord id cons iderat ions influence your act ions. You must
see him and exp la in .
39
TOPP ’S TW INS .
MR . T . I’
ve noth ing to expla in .
AN G IE . Let the hate fulo1 d ~ thing go .
T ICK . (Entli usiastically ) R ight you are . Let the Oldb ea r go to
MRS . T . Husband, you must see
‘him a t once . Th i sis the opportun i ty of a li fet ime .
M K .
\
T . I don’
t care to see him .
MRS. T . You"
are perfectly ab surd to-day , Jos iah .
T I CK . Madam,I '
w i ll seehim .
MRS . T . But you are a stranger , you do not understand the case .
T I CK . I understand i t perfectly . I shall ca l l himto accoun t I w i ll demand an apology ; i f he re fuses, Iw i ll— by j i ngo ,
I w i ll chall enge him !MRS . T . N o ! N o ! That wou ld spo i l all.
T ICK . H e shall not insu l t defense l ess fema les wh i leth i s good r ight arm reta i ns its— i ts— ah
EN TER SPRATT,suddenly, R .
SPRATT . Vi lla i n,I have found you . You shall not
escape !T I CK . (Sk r inking away .) Why
,h e l lo
,partner!
SPRATT . Don’
t pa rtner me . I’
m on your track .
MR . T . (Looks a t TICK’
sfeet. ) Not a bad s i’
z ed tracke i ther ! ( To T ICK . ) Perhaps, you won
’
t m ind expla i ning why he is on you r track . (M eets T I CK R . C .)SPRATT . That man has ru ined me . The opportun i ty
of a li fet ime dashed in a moment .
MRS .
‘
T . ( Tkrows upkands. ) Another opportun i ty
gone ! Oh,dear ! That ’
s j ust what a i l s us !
MR . T . Another rumpus b rew ing .-I
’
Il steer themaway from the W i ndow . (M aneuvers to tlie otker si de. )
40
TOPP’S TWINS.
AN G IE . Poor Pa ! I j ust don ’
t like that horr id old
Topp one b it . I’
ll te l l him so,there now !
MRS . T . Pet,you ’
ll do noth ing of the sort . M r.
Topp is such a dear man.
AN G IE . Bald as a peeled on ion !MRS . T . Amark of d ign i ty . Apatent of nob i l i ty
in Amer i ca .
AN G IE . Apatent ! Say trade mark . Why doesn ’
t he
put i t on his oysters.
MRS .
“
T . Your lev i ty is in bad taste . Where is thed ign ity you inher i ted from your father and mother ? Youmust l earn to love him .
AN G IE . I’
m not good at learn ing by heart . (Aside )Isn ’
t Mr. T i ck handsome !
MRS . T . I’
m uneasy about Jos iah . H e’
s so care lessof consequences. (Ex it, R . )AN G IE . (Laugks kea r tily ) Oh
,that r id i culous old
man ! And he never saw me b ut once .
EN TER MRS . T -K .
‘
L.
MRS . T -K . Wha t are you laugh ing at,s i ster ?
AN G IE . Oh,it
’
s too funny,I
’
ve j ust hada proposal!MRS . T -K . AprOposa l!
“
How romant i c !AN G IE . H e
’
s worth a m i llion !
MRS . T -K . No ! What delightful luck . D id you say
yes instant l y .
AN G IE . I d id not .
MRS . T -K . S i ster,don
’
t be reck less. Do not temptProv idence
,for a m i lli ona i re i s a -
g i ft of Prov idence toa marr i ageab le g i r l . Take him i nstanter .AN GIE .
We l l,I wou ldn ’
t take him i f he was Worthten m i l l ions.
42
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
MRS . T -K. Ang ie , are you craz y ? or just a foo l ?AN G IE . Just
,a fool
,I suppose
,Ame l ia .
M RS. T -K . Yes, of course , young g i r l s usua l l y are.
AN G IE . Widows embody all w isdom,I suppose .
MRS. T -K . They at l east know a good th ing whenthey see it . I hope you d idn ’
t say no .
AN G IE . H e d idn ’
t g ive me any chanceto say no . H e and Pa
'
had a“
m i sunderstand ing and Pa
to ld him to go .
MRS . T -K . (Astonisked. ) And he went away , offended of course . How un fortunate .
AN GIE . No,he just
'
refused to go a t all.
MRS . T -K . Refused to go ! What then ?AN GIE . (Lang/zing ) H e knocked Pa through the w in
dow ! (P oints to.br oken glass. )
MRS . T -K . Horrors ! Pa is so ind iscreet,but then
i f he is a true lover,obstac les w i ll on ly fan the flame.
ANGIE . And w indows prove no ob stac l e !MRS . T -K . Windows
,indeed ! Who is he ?
AN G IE . M r . Topp,ofTopp 81 Topp .
MRS . T -K . ( Spr ing ing up. ) What ! M r. Topp ? Thebachelor who wants to adopt tw ins ?AN G IE . The same .
MRS . T -K . And you called on him to say a good
word for my darlings, Tw 1 ggs 1 e and Dix ie ?AN G IE . I d id .
MRS . T-K . And yOu sa id one word for them and a
doz en for you rself.AN GIE . Now , s ister , how can you ? I sa id all I cou ld
for your boys.
MRS . T -K . Indeed ! What d id you say ?
ANG IE . Oh,it was too funny ! There was a young
43
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
gent leman there by the name of T i ck,and they ta lked
so many th ings that they got me all con fused so I can ’
t
remember what I d id say .
MRS . T -K . Artless creature !AN GIE . (Wit/i dignity. ) M rs. Tw iggs-K nott
,may I
ask what you mean by that ep i thet ?
MRS. T -K .
_
I mean you are great l ymistaken . It was
me that M r . Topp came to see .
AN GIE You ! Imposs ib le ! D idn ’
t I read love in his
M RS. T -K . (Wit/i sneer . ) Oh, if it has come to read inglove in his eyes
,we may cons ider i t settled . That sort
of read i ng can b e done just as wellw i th the eyes c losed .
AN G IE . Poss i b l y,I
’
ve had no exper ience .
MRS . T -K . We l l, you are in a fa i r way to get it .
ANG IE . Spare your commen ts. The teacher need notbe a th i rd party .
MRS. T -K . H e sa id he wou ld be sure to wr i te to me.
AN G IE . And to me, _too .
MRS . T -K .
' He took spec ia l interest in me and sa idhe was very ; very sorry he co
,u ld not do someth ing ar
once,or words to that effect.
AN G IE . H e took my address.
M RS. T -K . Address ! That was a matter of formf
H e expressed great regret that he could not devote moret ime to my matter .AN G IE . Expressed r eg r et
! We l l he exh ibi ted grea t p l easure a t my C all.
MRS . T -K . Pooh, common po l i teness only . . F or me
it was a deep interest . I read it in his— (Stops suddenly . )AN GIE . Eyes ? H a
,ha ha
, you are tak ing lessons,
too , S i ster . Well,I ca l led w i th in two “
minutes after you
44
TopP’
s TW IN S .
left and i f his countenance expressed any sent iment it
was p la in l y bad humor .MRS . T-K. Wh i ch your sm i le immed i ate l y thawed .
AN G IE . Indeed it d idMRS . T-K . Ang i e ,
I think you are rea l mean .
ANG IE . Well,s i ster
,ser ious l y
,I don
’
t wan t him, you
are we l come to him .
MRS . T -K . (B r igkten ing ) I know he ca l l ed for me
and,oh
,such a horr id m i stake . I Shalld ie . (Scr eams )
EN TER MRS . T . R .,r unning .
MRS . T . IVhat i s it my dear !MRS . T -K . M r . Topp called for me instead ofAng ie .
MRS . T . No ! You don ’
t say . Why do you th ink so ?MRS . T -K . H e to ld
"
me that he was com ing ,or at
least would w r i te .
M RS. T . What a dreadfu l m i sunderstand ing ! .
We
are all ru ined ! (Scr eams ) Josi ah ! Come ! Qu ick !Where is that man ?
EN TER MR . T . liastily .
MRS . T . M r .
_
Topp ca l l ed forMR . T . Con found Topp .
MRS . T . We are ru ined !MR . T . We have been ru ined so often
,my dear , that
I rather en joy i t .
MRS . T . Now,Jos iah
,don
’
t try to be funny . When
you try to be funny the effect is pa in ful. Husband,do
you rea l i z e the c alam ity that has befallen us ?
MR . T . Yes,‘ I guess you mean the w indow .
MRS . T . The w indow— i ndeed ! Oh, the ob tuseness ofmen ! Mr . Topp has proposed for the hand of the w rong
45
TOPP ’S TW IN S.
MR . T . No !
MRS . T . N o ! Is that all you can say ? You neversay
‘
anyth ing but no.
MR . T . My dear ,’
no is a very conven ient l i tt le part icle to ca lk ch inks in a colloquy .
MRS . T . Th is can never be repai red .
MR . T . The w indow ?MRS . T . Don
’
t ta lk eterna l l y of that w indow. The
match !
MR . T . Exact l y ! the match of course ! Sophron i a,I
suggest we try, we ld ing. The soft solder of d i p lomacymay resu l t in the un ion ca l led matr imony .
MRS . T. G i r ls,do you hea r that ? Never marry aman
who th inks he is funny . It is an incurab l e v i ce thatb reaks out at unexpected momen ts
,to your utte‘r con
fus ion .
MR . T . But,lad ies
,I protest I am not funny .
MRS. T . We agree there .
MR . T . Can you not d ist ingu ish between a we l lturned sentence and
MRS . T . Asma l l pun . Jos iah,i f you were a man of
act ion you wou ld do someth ing instead of ask ing use
l ess quest ions.
MR . T . I don ’
t care to go into act ion tw ice in the
same day .
MRS . T K . (Gr oans. ) I th ink it’
s a shame !ANG IE . It
’
s funny .
MRS . T . (Sever ely ) So your father appears to th i nk .
What is t o be done ? That is the quest ion .
MR . T . Let him change his b id and submi t sea ledproposa ls.
46
TOPP ’S TW IN S .
MRS . T . There you go aga in .
’
Husband, you must
see him at once.
M R. T . I’
d rather not.
MRS . T . Duty and the happ iness of your ch i ld ca l l
you . (Aut/zor ita tively . ) Go
MR . T . I prefer not to tackle him aga in to-day .
MRS . T . All r igh t , I go myse l f . Between two ev i lswe mu st choose the best. I w i l l go.
MR . T . M y dea r , I wont a l low it . We must Choosethe worst . I
’
ll beard the— that proverb is sta le— I’
ll
j ust b eard him . Or shall I not rather unbeard him ?
(Ada/estically . Wit/i pompous,ma r tial a ir . ) The d ie is
cast and fortune— um— ah
MRS . T . Jos iah, go . (P oints )QUICK CURTAIN .
ACT I I I .SCEN E. H ouse of MR . TOPP as in Act ].
EN TER G INGER,
.
Sfi0wlflg in MRS . T-K .,L.
G IN . Massa Topp’
llbe in soon , I ’ l l take your cahd.
MRS . T-K . Just say a lady .
G IN . Yes ’
m . (Ex it G IN . R . )MRS . T-K . Oh
,I
’
m in such a state ! What i f Ang i eis r ight a fter all and M r. Topp is in love w i th li er ?
Ah,well! I did th ink he adm i red me and then
his ask ing me to w r i te about dear Tw iggs ie and D ix ie .
But I j ust cou ldn ’
t w r i te all about them ,they ’re so
charm ing . To tell him in a confiden t ia l way w i l l bemuch n icer . Pa is sure to bung le matters . M en a lwaysdo. I must see M r. Topp and make sure of th i s go lden
47
TOPP ’S TW IN S .
opportun ity for my prec ious boys . I f he shou ld marry ,perhaps he wou ldn ’
t want toadopt twm s. No,Of course
,
not . H ow ab surd. Oh,dear
,what a compli cat ion !
What sha l l I do ?
EN TER MRS . DUBBLEDAM,R .
M RS. D . Goot morn in’ lady . You wa i ts for sompody ?
MRS . T-K . I want to see M r . Topp .
IVIRS.
‘D . Yes, peesness ?
MRS . T -K . Very u rgent bus inessMRS . D . U rchent ! Dot w i l l be-of great importance
a in t i t ? M r . Topp comes somet imes home pretty gu ick ,
an’
somet imes he comes later . H e hafhis lunch at one
o’c lock . What. was your peesness ? So
’
me togs ?
M RS. T -K . Dogs ! No,indeed ! I have bus iness
of g reat importance .
MRS . D . Togs was of much importance by some
peop les. One woman b rought a leetle tog under eacharm . When I to ld her M r . Topp would k i lltem She got
mat like fury an ’
says she,I yoost like to see him try dot.
MRS . T -K . I don ’
t l ike dogs.
MRS . D . Den you yoost agree m it M r . Topp . H e
can ’
t pea r m it togs an’
goats an’such an ima ls like dot .
MRS .
—T -K . I adm i re his taste ! Oh,I th ink he is
such a fi ne gent leman .
MRS . D . Lady,he
'
i s fine l ike go l t. H e has one heartso b ig as dot . (H olds bands enclosing space to skow g r ea t
siz e ) H e treats me yoost l ike his mother .MRS . T-K . Oh
, go on, I love to hear you ta lk ofhi m !
MRS. D . So ? Well,hewas gweer somet imes: He
got a not ion of tw i ns ?
MRS . T-K . (Witk inter est. ) Yes
48
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
TOPP . (Aay'
usting a r ticles“
on secr eta ry ,w it/iout looking
at ker . ) Some Char i ty,I suppose . Madam I have -
'
al
ready g i ven all I can a fford for the present.MRS . T -K . (Smiling ) Pa rdon me
, you to ld me to
call aga in or w r i teTOPP . (Looks up,
r ecogniz es li er , comes down C . ) Oh,
so I d id ! (Wilk decision ) ,B ut I sa id w r ite. I have no
t ime for interv iews.
MRS . T -K . Wri t ing IS‘ imposs ib le . Tw iggs ie and
D ix i e are so charm i ng . I’
m sure i f you on l y'
saw them !
TOPP . (Aside ) Dogs aga in Madam Idon
’t wan t them .
MRS. T -K . But you haven t seen them .
TOPP . I te l l you I won ’
t lOok at them .
T -K . B ut you to ld me to call or w r i te !TOPP . (Annoyed ) The same old story . You ’
ve ca l ledand lost va luab le t ime and car fare . You shan ’
t lose
anyth ing by me ! (P r oduces w allet. ) There’
s twenty dollars ! (Ske sta r ts. H e tli r usts money in li er liand . ) I
’
ll
take them ! (Calls ) Dubb ledam. (DUB . appea rs R . )Te l l Potts to drown them in the fish pondMRS. T-K . (Screams ) D rown them ! Oh
,s ir ! M y
prec ious dar l ings ! Oh, oh ! - theb rute ! (Abou t to swoon.
TOPP ca tcli es ker . H e is g r ea tly emba r rassed. )TOPP . He l p ! Dubb ledam ! Here ’
s a pretty row . Andall about some pupp ies.
MRS . T -K . (Suddenly r ecover ing . ) Pupp i es , s ir ! ~Do
you insu l t me ? Who sa id dogs ?TOPP . You did
,madam .
MRS . T -K Never ! I w as ta lk ing about my dea r , darl ing twm boys
,Tw igs ie and D ix i e .
TOPP . Whew ! Another affa i r tru ly ! (Aside ) A
50
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
fine woman,too ! (B eg ins to laug/i ; MRS . T-K . and DUB
BLEDAM j oin . ) Madam,th is is a most lud i crous s i tua
t ion . I beg your pardon .
M rs. T-K . Oh,pray don ’
t ment ion i t .
TOPP . I beg a thousand pardons. H ow lud i crous,to
be sure ! Madam,I am very sorry
,but I may add that
I do not th ink now of adop t ing tw ins !MRS . D . V ot ! No tw ins alretty !
TOPP . No,Dubb ledam . I
’
ve changed my m ind .
In short,I m ight as we l l tel l you now to put the house in
order . I’
m go ing to marry !
MRS . D. Marry ! M ine crac ious '
MRS . T-K . (Sta r ts ) Marry ! Then I suppose I may
at least— (Emba r rassed, stops. )TOPP . Congratu late me ? Yes . The prett i est l i tt l e
b londe (or br unette, as case may be; ker e descr ibe ANGIE . )imag inab le .
MRS . T -K . (Aside ) Ang ie ! she was r ight . ( To T . )I congratu late you . I— yes, I hope you ’
ll be happy .
TOPP . Thank you . Dubbledam,show the lady out. I
I w ish you a very good day , madam . (Exeunt MRS . D . and
MRS . T-K . L. ) What a r id i cu lous m i sunderstand ing.
Pshaw,who cares ! Love r ises super ior to m isunder
stand ings. (H Zlfl'
ZSsnatc/i of song . ) I’
m too happy to beannoyed at anyth ing ,
and,ho ld ou— am I too
' happy forit to last ? In the b r ight d i ct ionary of youth
EN TER GIN . L. S/iow ing in MR . TW IGG S .
G IN . (Announces ) M r . Tw iggs.
TWIG GS . I beg pardon for the interrupt ion . You
were speak ing of the lex icon . Lex i con ,perm i t me
,s ir
,
is the better word . Noth ing l ike it to po l i sh uporthography.
5 1
TOPP ’S TW IN S.
TOPP . (Comi ng forw ar d. ) M r. Tw iggs, I owe you an
apo logy . That l i tt le a ffa i r at your house was h igh lycensurab le, I assure you . Do you forg i ve me ?
TW IGGS . Of course ! It was a l i tt le b rusque ; butnobody was hurt . You took me by surpr i se
,but I
’
ll
put on the gloves w i th you any t ime thatSu i ts your conven ience .
TOPP . (Graspingb is kand. ) Don’
t th ink of such a
thing ,‘
s ir. At your ageTW IGGS . At . my age
— do you th ink I’
m as anc ientas the pyram ids ?TOPP . I beg pardon ! (Confused , aside. ) I must be
more guarded.
TW IGG S . All r ight , Topp ! (Aside ) I’
llhave top layold man i f he is to be my son-ih -law.
TOPP . It is all forgotten . T heh atchet is bur i ed .
TW IGGS . (Grasping TOPP by band. ) My dear boy , thehatchet is in the bottom of the bay .
‘
( T/iey s/iake )TOPP. Then
,to proceed to the po in t d i rect l y . I
’
m
a man of few words. I want to pay my addresses toyou r daughter .TW IGGS. Exact l y !TOPP . It is understood ?TW IGGS . It is.
‘
TOPP . And there is no obstac le ?TW IGGS . None that I know of.
TOP P . Thank you. Excuse my apparent haste.
were a young man yourse l f once .
’
TWIGGS . Unquest ionab l y .
TOPP . And you can apprec iate a young man’
s fee lings.
TWIGGS . To a dot .
52
TOPP ’S TWINS.
TOPP . Thank you . Thank you . (Clasps li is'
liand. )We can arrange deta i l s at our le isure .
TWIGGS . Yes,p l enty of t ime for that . The deta i l s
w i l l take care of themse lves.
TOPP . The prelim inar i es were soon sett led .
TW IGGS . Yes,though I happen toth ink of - one pre
l im inary that m igh t be a l i tt le c lea rer . Whi ch one ofmy
daugh ters do you mean ?TOPP . (Astonisli ed. ) What ! Wh i ch one (P ause) —have
you severa l ?TW IGGS . On ly two, sir. Wi l l you be k ind enough to
spec i fy the lady by name ?
TOPP . (P uz z led ) Let me see ! (Looks for note book
in pocket. ) Rea l l y I can’
t reca l l her name. (Cannotfind
book . )TWIGGS . Ah, I see— memory not so good as former ly .
(Aside ) Another b reak ; hang i t !TOPP . You are m i staken
,s ir
,it is the con fus ion of
love . You sa id you could apprec iate a lover ’s fee l ings.
(Can’
tfind note book . )TWIGGS . Of course , beg pardon ; (Aside ) I f I suc
ceed I ’ l l be the fi rst on record .
TOPP . Stay,I have an idea .
TW IGGS . (Aside ) Return ing reason . ( To T . ) Let’
s
have it .
TOPP . She knows.
TWIGGS . Of course,why d idn
’
t we th ink ofthat sooner.TOPP . (Laugks. ) Certa in l y ! She knew it b efore I
d id,the Sly puss.
TWIGGS. But ho ld on ! What i f she won ’
t te l l ? Don ’
t
you th ink it wou ld be rather embarrass ing for the ladyto speak her m ind fi rst ?
53
TOPP ’S TWINS.
TOPP .
’
Qu i te r ight'
you are . Now I have i t,I ’ l l
scr ibe herTWIG GS . That is a pract i cal idea.
TOPP . She is tall
TW IGGS . They are both tall .TOPP . And good look ing !
TWIG GS . (Witk sligkt bow . ) Our fam i l y is noted,s ir
,
for the comeliness of it’
s female members.
TOPP . H er sm i le is s impl y enthra l l ing !TWIG GS . Exactly ! But allow me to remark that you
are a s ingle man and do not know the power ofthe fema lesm i le as a soc ial lever
,espec i ally when a new bonnet or
a new gown is its foca l po int .
I
You must try aga i n ,SH
‘
.
TOPP . (H esitates . ) H er eye is l ike the gaz elle’
s!
TW IG GS . Gad,s ir
,yours is a bad case . Allow
'
me to
suggest that you name the co lor of the aforesa id opt ic,or b etter st i l l the co lor of her ha i r ? By the way haveyou a lock of her ha i r ?TOPP . Alook of her ha i r on one day ’
s acqua intance !
(Remonstra tes ) Oh,sir
, you w rong your ch i ld.
TWIGGS . Excuseme,no offense
,but a pla in old father
l ike me can ’
t be supposed . to keep ta l l y on all the in
n ings of an a ffa i r l ike th i s.
TOPP . No,of course not.
TWIGGS. Do you happen to remember the Co lor of
sa id ha i r ?’
TOPP . Yes, go lden .
TWIGGS. Oh, yes, some ca l l it r ed/ I ’ l l speak to
Ang i e .
TOPP . (Eagerly ) Ang i e , that’
s her name .
TWIGGS . And ,as lOvers are usuall y impat i ent
,I
’
ll
attend to the matter immed iate l y .
TOPP ’S TW IN S .
TOPP . I ’ l l be very grateful. ( T/i ey go, L.) I’ l l show
you out myse l f , s ir. Good day . ( T/i ey s/i ake liands.
Ex it TW IGGS,TOPP goes upR We l l
,that matter is in
pretty good shape. Abad beg inn ing makes a good end
ing .
EN TER G IN GER,skow ing in T I CK , L.
GIN . M r. T i ck ! (Ex it G IN GER , L. )T I CK . (Aside ) It
’
s r i sky,b ut I
’
ll try it . (To TOPP . )M r. Topp ! (TOPP M r . Topp !TOPP . ( Tur ning ) S i r ?T I CK . I ca l led in relat ion to a matter of mutua l in
terest .
TOPP . You are the i nd i v idua l who ca l led b efore and
spent an hour,on pretense of bus iness
,in li sten ing to my
pr iva te a ffa i rs and read ing my letters. Your i nterest inmy a ffa i rs is a l together too great .
T I CK . (B r usquely . ) Allow me i f you please , t/zi s i sbus iness I come w i th a message from her. ( Crosses to C. )TOPP . From whom
,pray ?
T I CK . You know we l l enough who . She dec l ines thebonon i
TOPP . Do not speak in r idd les. To whom do you re fer ?T I CK . To Mi ss Tw iggs, of course.
TOPP . (F u r ious ) Why you monkey , who are you ?
H er father has j ust b een here . (Getting ang r ier .) You
are insu l t ing . I’
ll have Potts k i ck you down sta i rs.
(Rings bell. ) Where is that la z y n iggro ?
EN TER SPRATT liastily follow ed by G IN GER , L.
TOPP . (F acing T I CK . ) Who are you anyway ?SPRATT . I can tellyou ! An imposter . You r r ivalwho
traduces you .
55
TOPP ’S TWINS.
TOPP. (Sneer ingly . ) M y r i val! That man ! F iddl eSt i cks !S PRATT . H e has traduced you ,
Sir . H e call ed you
namesj I’
i l l eave it to M r . Gi nger .GIN . (Gr inning ) Yis, sah.
~
TOPP . What d id he say , P otts ? (T I CK tr ies to catc/i
G IN GER ’ S eye. P a ntomime ofg iving coin . TOPP sever ely . )Now look here
,G inger ! What a i ls you ? What
"
d id he
say?
GIN . I’
m tryin’
to th ink of the word . It’
s powerfu lAdecep t i ve octagon ,
sah,that ’ s it .
TOPP . Eh! -Wha t ’
s that ?GIN . A de— um n that
’
s what I sa id .
SPRATT . Adecrep i t octogenar i an ,that was the epi
thet.
G IN . Dat’
s i t ! Adecrept ive octogon— nar i um .
TOPP . ( To T ICK .) Why , Sir , th i s is in famous ! Th i sis act ionab le . The law s ir— bothe r the law
’ s delays .
I’
ll call you out,s ir .
T I CK . To takea dr i nkTOPP . To take a dr ink
'
? No,Si r . To
the fie ld of honor,s ir
, at th irty paces.
T I CK (Sta r ts ) That ’ s a pretty small field .
TOPP . Say forty paces then,I
’
m not part i cula r. Idemand sat i sfact ionT I CK . I
'
always try to g i ve my customers sat i sfact ion .
TOPP . Con found you r customers. (Tick laug/is li ea r tily . ) What
(
a re you laugh i ng at,s ir ? (T ICK laugli s
aga in . Sliaking li is fist sa t T I CK .) Don’
t provoke me !
I cannot answer for the Consequences. Commerc ia la ffa i rs have no place in an a ffa i r of honor .T ICK . M y customers tellme that frequen t l y (Laugks .
56
TOPP ’S TW INS.
SPRATT . Puppy ! Dare you call me puppy ? I’
ll
(M akes‘
towa rd T I CK . TOPPpr events li im . )TOPP . S tay
,restra in your impetuos i ty . Your on l y
remedy is to Call him out a fter I have done w i th him . Asfor boot ing him out of the house
,no gent l eman cou ld
so deport h imse l f toward another gent l eman . Do you
th ink I cou ld sta in my honor by k i ck i ng him ?
SPRATT . No,it wou ld not d o . Let the n igger k iCk
T ICK . Gentl emen,th i s wa i t ing is a bore . ( T/iea tr i
cally . ) To fight or not to fight , tha t’
s the quest ion .
TOPP. Perm i t me one more quest ion . Are you
who lesa l e or reta i l ?T I CK . Who lesa le On l yTOPP . Ah
,that is better ! And your house I ha ve
no doub t is ofh igh stand ing . Doub tlessAI in the books
(T ICK laugli s immoderately . TOPP adva ncesfur iously sli ak
ing kisfist at T ICK .) M r . Spratt,restra in me
,or I w ill
knock him down,in sp i te of the code . I see noth ing to
laugh at . An affa i r of honor is a ser ious affa irfl’
d have
you understand . Perhaps th is is you r fi rst .
T I CK . It is.
TOPP . Then you shal l have a new exper ience . You
may cons ider it sett led.
T ICK . ( F r igli tened. ) Do you ins i st ?TOPP. Certa in l y
,Sir ! Cons ider i t sett l ed .
T ICK . But,my dear sir , all these ob j ect ions
TOPP . Are w a ived,Si r. Choose your second. M r.
Spratt,w i l l you favor me by arrang ing deta i l s On my
part ?SPRATT . Wi th pleasure !T ICK. (Aside ) Good Lord ! I
’
m in for it.
58
TOPP ’S TWINS.
TOPP . (To T ICK ) Ca l l a fr iend !T I CK . Say the undertaker . I ob ject .
TOPP . It is too late to ob j ect,s ir. Choose your sec
ond. The undertaker w i l l make a good tkird.
T I C K . Are you try ing to scare me ! I can ’
t be b luffed !TOPP . Oh
,certa in l y not .
T ICK . I’
d as soon fight as eat , but— ah— I ’ l l be mag
nan imous. I’ ll spare you .
SPRATT . That ’s coo l .TOPP . S i r
,th is is add i t iona l p rovocat ion. I i nsi st
on figh t ing .
T I CK . But th ink of the loss to your bus iness i f youshou ld fall.TOPP . (Getting ang ry . ) M r . Spratt hasten the deta i ls
,
I am anx ious to teach th is young man a lesson . I sug
gest B lackberry H i l l . There is no other such spot nearBa l t imore .
‘
It is a beaut i fu l spot .
T I CK . I don ’
t doub t it .
TOPP . There I had the p leasure of act ing as secondfor the Hon . K idwe l l K roupi n his great due l w i th MajorBrockleste in . The ma jor Wi nged my man fi rst fire
,but
it was a beaut i fu l a ffa i r gent lemen ,beaut i fu l . A few
years later,I had the p l easure— excuse me for be ing
persona l ofmeet ing there myse l f , Col. H icksby Snodgrass, C . S . A. And the Co lone l wears on l y one arm
s ince that hour .T I CK . (Groans ) Very cheerfu l , indeed !
TOPP . De l ightfu l , I assure you . So choose your second and we
’ l l have the who le affa i r over before the au
thorit ies get w ind of it.
T ICK . I sha l lbe de l ighted to hasten matters. (Wkispers aside to G IN GER . )
59
TOP‘P ’S TW INS.
TOPP . ( To SPRATT . ) Now,my dear sir, I
'
leave all
to you . Use exped i t ion . (To GIN . ) Showthe gent lemen out . (Ex eunt SPRATT and T I CK
,L. ) Ah, well t h i s
may be ser ious a fter all. But'
it is only an inc ident andthe t rue gent leman l ives in an
'
atmosphere of inc idents.
I’
llw r i te her . B l ess her l i tt le heart,honor demands that I
do and dare for her l ike a kn igh t of old. (Sits a t table to
w r i te. )“ M y dear M i ssTw iggs — No
,that is too form
al— “M y dea r Ang i e — how does t hat sound —tha t ’sa li tt l e fam i l iar poss ib ly for one day ’
s acquaintance
(Tea r s ups/i eet of paper w it/i eacli elzange.) How about
the my— well I guess I ’
m sure enough of the my . But
“ My dear Ang ie is too long . I’
ll try“Dear Ang i e!
That ’
s better,but
‘
why not make it Stronger ? Women
feed on comp l iment and are taken by audac i ty in love .
As old Horace adv i sed I ’ l l p lunge “ in med ias res.
‘
So
here goes :“ Sweet Ang i e — tha t ’s better . But that is
not enough . H ow very inadequate language is to
portray all the de l igh tful sensat ions of n ew bornlove . ( Tli inks )
“ Sweet Ang ie— “M y Pet— that ’s the
th ing'
Th i s w i l l i nform y ou that I cannot see youaga in to-day . Ali ttle affa i r (P ause ) affa ir— I wonderi f that w ill a larm her ? No
,women adm i re courage
An affa i r ofhonor requ i res immed iate attent ion . Sha l lsee you soon May I c lose w i th
'
a k i ss“
? —that ’
s—a
li ttle bo ld a sweet,sweet k i ss ? There you are
,
that ’ l l p lease her .
“Au revo i r and a fina l sweetysweety k isS. You can ’
t -put too much o f the sweet
bus iness i n to an affa i r W i th a young lady . You must
love them d istractedly,or you ’ l l never p lease them .
How sha l l I s ign it Cadwa lader Topp is tooforma l . I ’ l l r isk it . It sounds
'
more affect ionate.
6 0
TOPP ’S TW IN S .
Cadd ie , that used to be my‘
pet name . Wh i le I’
m
about it I ’ l l iust say Your Cadd ie . There you are !
(Seais'
ana’addr esses. Rings bell. )
EN TER GIN . R .
G IN . R ing ,sah ?
TOPP . Deliver th i s at once . Now for the prepara ~
t ions. r ig/i t fiana’
gestures . ) Wa i t not .
when honor calls but hasten to the field,lest tard iness
should prove an added sta in . (G IN sz‘aaa
’s asioaisfiea
’
,
tlzeii vafi is/i es fast as T . far/ 72s . )QUICK CURTAIN .
ACT IVSCENE z—Ag rasspla t w itfi fr ees in éaeég roa iza’.
EN TER MR . and MRS . TW IG G S,R . 1 .
MRS . T . We must find them ; b lood w i ll b e shed andoh dear ! M r . Topp may b e k i lled !MR .
-T'
. Sophron ia,due ls are not . for the purpose of
shedd ing b lood . They are for the v ind i cat ion of
wounded honor.MRS . T . Jos iah
,human l i fe is tremb l ing in the bal
ance,and I beli eve you actua l l y en joy i t .
MR . T . M y dea r,I can ’
t say that I en joy it so far .
Our wa l k in search of it has beenrather hurr ied. Theyshould have h i red a ha l l and so ld t i ckets.
MRS . T . Jos iah,you ’ l l dr i ve me to the grave . But
i f you do not respect the fee l ings of the w i fe of yourbosom th ink of. your ch i ld .
MR . T . Our Ch i ld is all r igh t . She is not go ing tofightMRS. T . But think of her future ?
6x
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
MR . T . Wh ich future,my
’
dear ? There appears tobe two of him .
MRS . T . Jos iah, you stand here ta lk ing wh i l e every
mome nt is a quest ion of l i fe or death .
MR . T . ( Coolly I’
m wa i t ing for developments,dear .
MRS . T .
“
Deve lopment'
s,indeed ! Do you th ink -
theyW ill come to you ? They may b e in the de l ls .
MR . T . No,th is is the r igh t spot . All our h igh
Class affa i rs occur here . Capt . Throck inugger d i ed at
the foot of that tree j ust over there.
MRS . T . Mercy ! Jos iah,
“
how can you speak of
b lood ! You want to k i l l me ?
MR . T . Sophron ia,dear
,I d i sc la im
MRS. T . ( P ulling li im away . ) Come.
along ,we must
find them ! To the de l ls ! Qu i ck ! (Ex eunt, L. )
EN TER excitedly ANG I E and MRS . T-K . R.I .
MRS . T-K . I’
m sure I h eard vo i ces !AN G IE . But there is nobody in s igh t . Si ster
,do you
th ink our com ing here is exact l y proper ?MRS . T -K . T rue love dares all for duty .
AN G IE . Yes,but i sn ’
t our affect ion rather recent tobe put to such a test .
‘
M RS . T -K . Recent ! Love knows noth ing of t ime orp lace when its ob j ect is in danger .ANGIE . It is so romant i c . Is there rea l l y any
‘
danger ?
M Rs. T-K . Due ls are somet imes in earnest and M r .
Topp is a dead shot they say .
AN G IE . Horr id old th ing ! Poor e T ick !
MRS . T -K . . Dear M r . Topp !AN GIE . M r. Topp is a b lood-th i rsty old monster . I
don’
t l ike him one b it,there now !
62
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
MRS . T-K . Brave man,he is fight ing for you ,
and
thus you repay his ga l lan try .
AN G IE . (P etula ntly . ) I don’
t want him to fight forme . Oh
,i f M r . T ick Shou ld b e hurt .
MRS . T -K . M r. T i ck is a v i l la in .
AN G IE . M r. Topp is a foo l ; a l i tt le b lood- l ett ingWou ld do him good .
MRS . T-K . S i ster,don
’
t men t ion b lood,I sha l l ex
p i re . I know I sha l l . D ear me,what a sna r l th ings
are in . We must stop th i s due l . . Dear M r . Topp !
AN G IE . Adorab l e M r. T i ck !MRS. T-K . They may have gone to the de l ls. Let ’s
go there (Ex it, r unning L. )ANGIE. Wa i t
,s i ster ! (Ex it, follow ing ,
L. )
EN TER T I CK and G INGER,R .
(Ginger car r ies la rge pa i r of eor n knit/es or,as known
tofa rmer s, cor ncutter s,in a g anny saele. )
T I CK . G inger , I don ’
t l ike the looks of those cor‘ncutters . How do you use them ?G IN . You jes cut an
’
s lash , that’
s all. (B usiness w it/z
T I CK . But suppose old Topp gets his s lash in first .
Where am I ?G IN . Say , looky hyah , Mistah T ick , do you l ike dat
gal we l l enough to figh t fur’
er ?
T I CK . (Sw agger ing . ) I’
d d ie for her . I’
d wade
throughGIN . Never m ind de wad in ’
! K eep yonah shoes onan
’
li sten to G inger Potts . Ye want to p lay a b ig b luff ,don
’
t ye ?
T ICK . Yes .
63
TOPP ’S TW IN S .
G IN . An ’ I get ten dollars i f de b luff goes ?T I CK. That ’
s r igh t .
'
GIN . Then you do j es as G inger Potts tells you . I fmassa ever find disjob out h e ’ l l j es naterally Sk in me .
I wou ldn ’
t have him know it fur de purt i est twenty-fivedollar b i l l you ever see . Nos iree ! Ye see
,Mi stah
T i ck,When Cadwalader Topp sees dem corncutters he ’ l l
be'
too mad to fight. He’ l l be madder ’n a Wet hen .
He’ l l say dem weepons is unnateral an
’
outrageOus an’
s i ch as no
,
gent l eman k in use . You got de r ight tochoose de weepins. H e ra i ses a bushel of ob j ect ionsan
’
you ins i sts . Den you see dah’
s no j ewe l b ecause,
de gemmen can ’
t agree on weepins . Ye ’
s both saved
yer honah an’ yonah h ides.
T I CK . That ’
s a great scheme,G inger . But suppose
he agrees to the weapons. I don ’
t like'
the looks Of
his eye .
G IN . (Ra z z led. ) Dat’
s -an'
ex treme case,but i f it
comes to ex treem it ie‘
s,an
’
not t i l l den m in ’
ye , ca l l furme an
’
say you have to insult me .
TI CK . Why Shou ld I insult you ?G IN . Doesn
’
t every gentleman insu l t his second ?TICK . Oh
,I see
,eonsalt.
GIN . Exactly ll Dat’
s What I sa id ! When ole massa
sees me he ’
ll b e consu l ted .
’
Cause ye see I’
m a n iggeran
’
a n igger a int no gent l eman . He’ l l jes have more
d ign i ty than a pew fu l l '
o’
deacons and walk off con
sulted .
T ICK . Wont that get you i n to t roub l e ?GIN . Well
,ole massa
’ l i '
storm ’ round an’
threatento lam
.
me,b ut he wont even tech me
’case massa’
s a
gentleman an’
I’
ve been in de fam i l y three generat ions !
TOPP ’S TW INS .
TOPP . Very irregular , very . What do you say ,Dr .Short?
Dr. 8 . ( Very formal and dignified. ) I co inc ide , Sir .
It is h igh ly i rregu lar , I m ight add , perhaps, unprece
den ted. H ad I the pleasure of -the acqua intance of
your opponentTOPP . (B ow ing low.) I
_beg your pardon ! I forget
you were not acqua inted ! M r . T i ck,I have theple‘
as
ure of introduc i ng D r . Short . Dr. Shor t,M r . T i ck .
M r . T i ck,D r. Short . ( Tney low . )
DR . SHORT . (j udicially and w it/z g r eat,
dignity . ) Ith ink I may lay it down as an ax iom of the code thatone gentleman may
— I say may— stand at all t imes for
any other gent leman . Now,the fact that the
'
gen tle
man’
s second is ab sent look ing for a surgeon must b e
cons idered a valid reason for de lay and consequent l ymay
— I say adv i sed l y may— a l low slight a l tera t ions of
prev ious p lans. My dec i s ion ,then
,is that your
‘
humb le
servant m ight W i th abso lute propr i ety— I say nzignt
adv i sedly— stand temporar i ly for the absent second of
M r . T i ck . (B ow s to TICK . ) I am at your serv i ce,Sir.
I Consen t,to sat i sfy honor .
SPRATT . Very we l l,then l et ’s step th i rty paces !
(B usiness of measur ing . )T I CK . (Cane/ales aside. ) That ’
s a sa fe d istance .
SPRATT . Now for cho i ce ofpos i t ion . Heads or ta i ls ?
(P r oduces coin . )DR . SHORT . (Solemnly . ) Heads.
SPRATT . (Tossing ) Heads it is !
SHORT . (Tosses. ) Ta i ls !
SPRATT . ( Tossing ) Heads it is ! Your man gets the
advantage of the l igh t .
"
(To T I CK . ) Let us examineyour weapons, Are they loaded ?
66
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
T I CK . (P roducing knives from sack . ) They are ! (Allsta r t a t stg/tt of knives.)TOPP (Surpr ised ) What in t ime are those imple
T ICK . The weapons.
TOPP . Why,confound you ,
s ir,I wont fight w i th
a butcher ’s Cleaver .SPRATT . Corncutters
,I beg your pardon .
TOPP . Avu lgar agr i cu l tura l imp lement . I won’
t
figh t w i th them .
T I CK . I ins i st . I have the r ight to choose the
weapons .
TOPP . But on l y gentlemen’
s weapons . I ’ l l haveyouunderstand
,s i r
,that I do not choose to b e hacked to
p i eces w i th a sausage mach ine . Dr . Short,I appea l to
you .
DR . SHORT , (Wi t/t g r ea t deliber a tion ) Your Objec
t ion is reasonab le,and I may add , most w e igh ty . Th i s
uncouth weapon is unusua l,and_ and
,vulga r , I use the
word vu lgar adv i sedly in the sense of common,W i thout
cast ing any reflect ion on th is humb le but usefu l agr icultura l too l .T I CK . Gent lemen
,my second pronounces the weap
ons all r igh t .
TOPP . Amost rema rkable second,
s ir ! I’
d l ike tosee him . Why doesn ’
t he appea r .T I CK . I th ink I see him com ing now . (H ellos of R . )
He l lo ! H ey ! Hurry upthere .
EN TER G IN . R .
TOPP . (Astonisked , falls back . ) An iggro !
SPRATT . (Repeats ) An igger.6 7
TOPP ’S TW IN S .
DR . SHORT . (Witk disgust A n iggro .-Th i s is no
p lace for a gent leman . (B egins topack itis kit. )TIC K . Isn ’
t he a man and b rother ?TOPP . (F ur ious ) Th i s is insufferab leLTh is is a
gross in su l t to be atoned‘
at once . ( Seiz es one of‘
corn
knives. ) I acce p t the weapons ! Take your place . At-
the
word three,advance and defend yourse l f. I ’
llmake Shoestr ings out of you ,
s ir. ( Vekemently . ) I w il l , -s on my l i feI w i ll !SPRATT . One
,two
,three !
TOPP . Come on . (M akespass a t T I CK wko easily eludes
kim . B usiness of TOPP ckasing T ICK a r ound t/ze stage, k is
movements t/zose of a‘
lzeavy ,stifi
'
man . T I CK easily eludes
kim,and makes no eflor t at defense. B usiness
,ad lib. )
EN TER TW IG G S suddenly ,R .
TWIGGS . Hello ! What ’
s th i s ? I expected a due l andhere ’
s a spr in t ing match . (Lang/ts lzea r tily . Looks a t
TOPP . ) Why , Topp , What is that you hold in your hand ?An oyster opener ? (TOPP a nd TW IGGS R . SHORT andS PRATT upC. T I C K L
,G IN
TOPP . Do you dare poke fun at me,s ir. Don
’
t do
i t '
aga in . You laugh aga in _ at your per i l .TW IGGS . Ex cuse me . I d idn ’
t mean to ta l k shop,
my cachinatory musc les are Sub j ect to spasmod ic move
ments. But What are you do ing ?TOPP. ( T/trows it
'
aw ay in disg ust.) That man had the
impudence to br ing a sausage kn i fe on these ha l lowedprec i ncts .
T I CK . Pardon me ! Acorncutter !SPRATT . No gent leman wou ldpropose a corncutter
as a decent weapon .
68
Topp’
s TWIN S .
TWIG GS . Qu i te r ight ! We’ l l have none of them .
They are perfectly absurd ! F it on l y for n iggros. Nothing like ha i r tr iggers . (Steps tow a rd C. ) H as any gen
tleman a b race of p i sto ls ? I th ink I can arrange all to
the sat i sfact ion of the company .
SPRATT . (Comes dow n C . ) I b rought a pa i r for a l ternat ives . (P r oduces t/zemfrom case. )TW IGG S . Ah
,b eaut ies !
T I CK . I ob j ect to ha i r tr iggers !TW IG GS . On What grounds, s ir ?
T I CK . They m ight go off.
TW IGGS . A fr ivo lous Ob j ect ion,s ir ! You owe M r .
Topp sat isfact ion . Your pos i t ion is ab surd,and let
me say , sir , sub j ects you to susp i c ion ; yes s ir,to sus
pic ion of cowa rd i ce !TI CK . (Comes towa rd tkem ,
C blasters . ) I’
m no cow
ard,m ind that ! (Aside ) Th i s is ser ious. (Aside to
TW IGGS . ) I don’
t wan t to fight .
TW IG GS . (In a fr iendly manner . ) Don’
t wan t to figh t ?What are your reasons ?T ICK . I m ight get hu rt !TW IGGS . Tha t ’ s no reason !T ICK . Come as ide and I ’ l l tell you all.
TW IG GS . Pub lic i ty i s the only recourse at th i s stage .
of the proceed ings .
T ICK . I f you ‘
must then,I— I don
’
t W i sh to depr ivean honored house of i ts head .
TOPP. None of you r sent iment,s ir !
TWIGGS . Avery commendab le sent iment,but invalid .
DR . SHORT . Yes,i nsuffic i ent .
TWIGGS . At th i s stage of the quarrel,w i thout hav
ing sat isfied wounded honor,no gentleman would ever
69
TOPP’s TW INS.
Speak to e i ther of you aga in . I adv i se one Shot anyway .
TOPP . I ins i st on one Shot .
T I CK . I ob j ect to M r. Topp ’
s second,
~
H e is herethrough mot ives of revenge . I
’
ll l eave i t to Dr . Shorti f mot ives of revenge are a l lowab l e in an affa i r of
hononDR . SHOR T . N ever ! (To SPRATT
ster nly . ) Is th i s true,s ir ? (SPRATT silent. )
G IN . It is. H e’
s mad at M istah T i ck ’
oause he'
made
fun of his.
tWinS,
"
G rover C leveland Spratt and Ben jam in
Harr i son Spratt .
TOPP . I reca l l some words now,When I come to
th ink of i t .
TWIG GS . Res ign ,s ir
,at once ! Do yOu res ign ?
SPRATT . I do ! (Aside ) They are on to my scheme .
GIN . (To SPRATT , aside . ) Bettah g it now .
SPRATT . I ’ l l get even W i th you , you b lack rasca l .
(Ex it, w /zile G IN . goes t/troug/z pantomime of kicking kim
out )TW IGG S . (M uses ) Hang it all
,I
’
ll act as secondfor both part ies . How
’
s that ?DR . SHORT . (Gravely ) U nusual
,W i thout preceden t
but lionor able.
TW IGG S . (B r usquely . ) G entlemen,cons ider it set
tled ! Take your p laces ! ( T/zey move toplaces . TOPP R . ,
T I CK L. T I CK mec/zan ically ,as if kalf daz ed . ) The word
is one,two
,three
,fire . (Tkr usts pistol in band of cack
and goes upC. to g ive signal. T I CK liolds kis w eapon very
aw kwa r dly ,pointing dow n ) Young man
,are you go i ng
to Shoot a ho le in the earth ? (Aay'
ustspistol on levelforkim. )
70
TOPP ’S TWINS.
TOPP . (D odg ing ) I don ’
t like that . That ’
s par
t iality .
TW IG GS . Ah,poss ibly . (Reflects a moment. ) S tay , I
have an idea . (P roducespistolfrompocket. ) Dr . Short,
favor me W i th your weapon . ( Takes SHORT’
spistol a nd .
goes upC. ) Ready, gentlemen . Dr. Short
,I
’
ll troub le
you to g ive the s ignal. The pr inc i pa ls W i ll k ind l y a imat each other and
,to show str ict impart iality , I
’
ll shootat both . (Levels apistol a t cacii of tbcpr incipals . )TOPP . (D odg ing ) Ho ld on there !T I CK . (D odg ing ,
immedia tely r ecover ing lzimself. ) NO
s ir —ee ! that wont do !DR . SH ORT . Ex traord inary !
EN TER MRS . TWIGG S,R .
,r uns to TW I GGS .
MRS . T . Oh,Jos iah
,have you found them ? (TWIGG S
lzastily t/i r usts one pistol in b is pocket and tr ies to ‘
lzide t/ze
ot/zer under lzis coa t. ) Oh,Jos iah
,Why don
’
t you speak .
Is anybody k i l led ? H as b lood been shedTWIG GS . (D isg usted ) Not a b lamed drop ! (Aside )
F un all spo i led .
EN TER AN G IE and MRS . T-K .,r unning R .
MRS . T -K . (Running to TOPP, R . ) Oh
,M r. Topp
,
I implore you spare him !ANG IE . (R unning to T ICK ,
L. ) Spa re him ,M r . T i ck !
Spare him !
T ICK Certa in ly ! I'
can spare him ! (P uts a rm r ound
TOPP . (F ur ious ) B less my eyes ! Look at his au
dac i ty ! I w i ll comm i t murder . ( Tr ies to g et at T ICK ,flour isking cor ncutter . MRS . T-K . clings to /zim . )MRS . T -K . You sha l l not ! ( Tableau ) Be merc i fu l !
7 1
TOPPls TW INS,
TOPP . Ra'
sh woman,let me go ! My honor is at
stake .
MR . T . M r . Topp,there ’
s a sligh t m i stake some
where . (Everybody pauses for explana tions,T . crosses to
TOPP . ) I’
ll try to clear it up. You advert i sed for
tw ins ?T ICK .
“
Tw ins ! (M akesfacc of surpr ise. ) Dogs !
MRS . T . Generous man !
TOPP . (Annoyed ) M adam,th i s is no place for a
d isqu i s i t ion on generos i ty .
MRS . T . Somodest ! Don’
t deny it .
MR . T . Your advert i sement b rough t my daughtersto your house . You adm i red one of them ,
.b ut I fearyou made advances to the w rong one by m i stake .
TOPP (P ointing to AN GIE . ) That is the young lady
MRS . T—K . But un fortunately She ob j ects. (Confiden
tially . ) I fear her a ffect ions are elsewhere . (AN G IEcuddles upto T I CK . )T OPP . (Rega r ding AN G IE and TI CK . ) Hump'h ! Well
,
I shouldn ’
t b e su rpr i sed i f they were . Here ’
s a prettystate of a ffa i rs. I
’
ve made a fool'
ofmyself. We l l,
There ’
s no foo l like an"
old fool.MR . T . M y dear M r . Topp
,a young man shou ld
not b e SO pess im i st i c . Let me match“you r max im w i th
another . “There ’
s j ust as
’
good fish in the sea as everwere caught . (N udg es MRS . T . aside. ) How
’
s thatfor a po inter ?MRS . T. M r . Topp
,let me i n troduce my daughter ,
M rs. Tw iggs-Knott . (TOPP bows . M RS. T .,Confiden
tially . ) She i s the mother of love l y twins .
TOPP . Ah ! indeed,madam ? ( To MRS . T -K . ) Boys ?
7 2
TOPP ’S TW INS.
Come to th ink of i t ..The manager says you cou ld se l l
oysters to a'
tobacco S i gn .
T I CK . (B ow ing ) Thank you !TOPP . B ut I can ’
t forg ive such freaks,Si r .
T I CK . I’
m very sorryTW IGGS. Yes
,he
’
s sorry . Young b lood you know
and none sp i l l ed e i ther— (All laug/z . )MRS . T . (Sever ely ) Jos i ah !MR . T . Yes, my dear
!
MRS T -K.
We had b etter go home !
TOPP . Certa in l y , madam . Potts !Where ’
s'
that n iggro ?
GIN . (Coming forw a rd. ) Yis , sah.
TOPP . Go to the cab stand at the Park and send
carr iages to meet us at the founta iu.
G IN . Yis,sah. (Ex it L)
MRS . T -K . (To TOPP . ) I do sod i s l i ke to part w i thmy dear -l i ttle boys. Only pover tyTOPP . They shall have all the advan tages of wealth .
MRS. T -K . There may b e cond i t ions attached to the i r
go ing ?TOPP . Indeed ? I though t that Was all sett led ?MRS .
-T -K . (Sentimentally ,w it/t la ngu is/zing glance. )
should be very lonely .
TOPP . Ah,I th i nk .I understand the cond i t ions .
(Looks a t lzer sign ificantly . ) The mother goes w i th the
tw ins ?MRS . T -K . She
'
n kt be induced — that is— oh,dear
,
how sudden ! how embarrassing !TOPP . To reli eve that emb arrassmen t
,I accept the
cond itions.
TW IGGS . Take her,my boy ! Take her,and God b less
you ,my ch i ldren . (Slaps TOPP on back . )
74
TOPP ’S TW IN S .
MRS . T . Jos i ah , you shock me . You an t i c i pate.
Th is is no p lace for such demonstrat ions. Will you gohome ?
MR . T . I w i ll. Come along . (Seiz es ker arm . )TOPP . ( Taking a rm of MRS . T-K . ) Come
,clear
,The
houSe of Topp Topp sha l l st i ll keep in the line of its
trad i t ions. Tw in b rothers,same age . (TI CK takesAN
GIE ’S a rm . D ress stage. )
TABLEAU :R . L
SHORT ,M R . TOPP ,
M RS. T-K . ,TW IGGS
,M RS. T . , ANGIE,
TICK .
CURTAIN .
7 5
TOPP ’S TWIN S .
ABOUT THE PLAY .
Costumes of the day . No spec ial make -upis needed
and the only d i rect ion to be g i ven is tha t each personshould dress in character .The dialect of G IN GER is largely that of the
'
conven
t i onal stage darky , wh i ch is absurdly unlike the rea lth ing . It is used here for two reasons. F i rst b ecauseit is the conven t iona l type that people in the north ex
pect ; and second,b ecause the real negro speech is very
hard to express in pr int,and would be very d ifficult
for an amateu r to fender w i th such sligh t study as is
usua l . In fact the negro d ialect of the south cons i stsl argely in the peculi a r sonor ous quality of the negro vo i ceand in the use of qua int expr essions . To pronounce “ M as
sa” “Massy is to fa i lutter ly in im i tat ing the Afr i can .
It is b road and r ich,M as
’
r (nea rly ) . The i r grammaris frequen tly very good , but the penchant of the Afr i canto use h igh -sound ing words often leads to very lud icrousresu l ts. TOPP ’ S TWIN S w i l l requ i reOw ing to the peculia r nature of the humor and the drollS i tuat ions
,anyth ing like l agg i ng w i ll ru in the effect .
The man who p lays CADWALDER TOPP must not forgetthat he is always a gentleman
,even in his anger , but he
is a genial'
gentleman and not an i c i cle . T ICK ’ S assu r e
ance a lway s has good nature in it,Wh i l e SPRATT ’ S i s
mali c ious . MRS. DUBBLEDAM i s s low,heavy and ser i
ous in all she does .
The author has endeavored to follow the old sty l eand let the humor of the play fiow cont i nuously ratherthan to depend on sta rt l ing climax es for e ffect .
The duel scene'
may be made very effect ive,but it
must not descend to “ horse play .
76
IRISH FARCEWITHACHINESEMIX -UP
BYT. S . DENISONAuthor of
Odds wi th the Enemy . Ini tiating a G ranger , Wan ted_
a Correspondent , AFam ily S tr ike . Se th G reenback ,
Louva the Pauper . Hans V on Smash,
B orrow ing Troub le . Tw o Ghos ts in Whi te , The Pull-Back ,Coun try Jus
tice ,The Asse ssor , The Sparkling Cup. Ou r Coun try , Ir ish Linen
Peddle r . The SchoolM a’
am , Kansas Imm igrants , An Only Daughter ,Too M u ch of a Good Thing , Under the Laurels , H ard C ider ,The Dange r S ignal, W ide Enough for Tw o , Pe ts of Socie ty ,1 5 the Ed i tor In ? The N ew Woman , Pa tsy O ’Wang . Re
j ected . Only Cold Tea . M adam P’
s B eau ty Parlors . Topp ’sTw ins . AFirst-Class Hotel, It
’
s all in the Pay-S treak ,
The Cob bler , ADude in a Cyclone Friday Dialogues .
Also the N ovels,
The Man B ehind, An Iron Crown ,
CIlICAGO :
T . S . DEN I SON,PUBLISHER
,
1 63 RANDOLPH STREET .
PA TSY o’
wAN G .
PATSY O’WANG .
CAST OF CHARACTERS .
PATSY O ’ WAN G,alias Ch in Sum ,
from Hong Kong.
DR . HEN RY FLUKE,Who runs a San i tar ium .
MIKE,from the ould sod
,an ass i stan t .
MR . BOYLER,a pa t ien t w i th rheumat i sm .
MRS . HARRIET ‘
FLUKE.
MISS S IM PER,who has a m iss ion ,
a Ch inese SundayschooLNORAH
,ma id of allwork .
Time of Repr esentation,tkir ty
-five mi nutes.
SYN OPSIS AND HIN TS To PLAYERS .The key to th i s cap i tal farce i s
'
the remarkab le transformation of w h i ch Ch in Sum is capab l e . Born of I r ishfather and Ch inese mother and b rough t upin barracksa t Hong Kong he has a remarkab le dualnature . Whis f
key , the dr ink of his father,transforms him in to
a true Ir i shman, Wh i le strong t ea , the beverage of his
mother , has the pow er of restor ing fully his Ch inesecharacter. D r . F luke emp loys Ch in as cook
,on the
hearty recommendat ion of his old fr i end,Major
Barker . Un fortunately for the doctor,Ch in gets a t the
wh i skey bott l e through the carelessness of M ike,who ,
In his w ay is no l ess a character than Ch in Sum him
se l f. For the subsequent lud i crous inc idents read thetext of the p lay .
The author be l i eves that th is fa rce w i l l prove one of
the most popula r . The ex traord ina ry success of his
prev ious p lays , notab l y the farces “ Hans V on Smash .
“ Ir ish Linen Pedd l er,
and “Wide Enough for Two ,
COPYRIGHT ,1 895 , BY T . S. DENISON .
PATSY o’
wANG .
renders th is pred i ct ion a sa fe one . What the pub l i cwan ts is lzumor and action . In the latter feature “ PatsyO
’wang”is unequa led. Caution
,in fact
,is necessary
here lest\
tli e play be overdone . Ex cess ive bo i sterousness and
“ horse play shou ld be carefully avo ided .
Th i s is a play tha t must be w ell r e/zea r sed. It must
be kept in m i nd that wh i le Mike and Norah are con
ven t ional I r ish w i th a th i ck brogue , Pa tsy (a fter histransformat ion) speaks good Eng l i sh w i th l i tt le i f anyb rogue . In Hong K ong his assoc iat ions were w i th of
ficers of the Br i t i sh army (as servant) and natura l ly heacqu i red the language of gen t lemen .
No instruct ions can b e g i ven here concern ing the
Ch inese part ex cept that the timbr e and tones of the
Ch inese vo i ce are very peculiar , and can b e learned on l yby l i sten ing to Ch ina’
men . The Ch inese d i a lect as w r i tten here (and elsewhere in Amer i ca) is at best but a
poor im i tat ion,but good enough to be funny , wh ich is
the on l y ob j ect in v iew .
COSTUM ES of the day . Patsy, very th i ck -so led shoes(can be fixed at home) , and tun i c to wear outs idepanta loons.
PROPERT IES .
Mach ine of some kind to make no ise in w i ngs ;bott les in box
,bott les on she l ves
,ex tra coat and Shoes
for office,u lster
,hot-water bag and tube
,funnel
,cane
letter , la rge syr inge , or other art i c le to serve as stom
ach pump,t ray
,tea -pot , cups , p late ofCrackers
,p igta i l
for Patsy,w ig for Boyler .
STAGE D IRECTIONS .
R . means r ight of the stage C.,center ; R . C.
,
r ight cen ter ; L.
,left ; I E.
,first entrance ; U . E.
,
upper entrance,etc . D . E.
,door in flat or back of the
stage . The actor is supposed to be fac ing the aud ience.
79
PATSYO ’WANG .
Diploma, Shelves'
Door Door
80
PATSY o’
wAN G .
MRS. F . (In astonisliment. ) Patsy O’wang ! Patsy
doesn’
t sound very Ch inese .
DR . F . But he has a h i story .
MRS . F . Oh i ndeed ! That ’s rather a doub tfu l aecomplishment for a cook.
DR. F . Qu i te the con trary ! Harr i et,I tell you tha t
I’
ve found a treasure . Let me read you what Ma jorBarker says in his l etter recommend ing Ch i n Sum .
M RS. F . Ch in Sum ! I thought you sa id his name
was— what b arba rous name did you say ?
DR . F . (Langbing . ) Patsy O ’wang ! but t hat’
s on l ya n i ck-name . The Ch inese of it is Ch in Sum . Now
Ch in is the son of a W i ld I r i sh officer i n the ten th Art i llery stat ioned former ly at Hong Kong . H is mother wasa pretty Ch i nese g i r l .MRS . F . (Surpr ised ) We l l
,d id
'
you ever !DR . F . M y dear , I
‘
adm i t that there is a sligh t -flaw
in’
his ped igree . (Looking a t letter . ) B ut let m e s k i pall that. Ma jor Barker speaks of
,
him in the most ex
travagant term s“The b est cook I ever
saw ,
” “the most obed i ent servant
,
” “the most affec
t ionate creature (tr iumpkantly ) i sn’
t that enough ?
MRS . F . I suppose so S ince apparent l y i t is allsett l ed.
DR . F . There ’
s more .
MRS . F . Never m ind,sk i p i t .
DR . F . Eh,what ’
s th i s ? “ Never under any c i rcumstances let him taste a drop of wh i skey .
”
MRS . F . Humph,then you ’
ll have to keep him and
M ike apart .
DR . F . (Reads to kimself . ) Reall y that is surpr i s ing.
MRS. F . What ’s su rpr i s ing ?
EN TER NORAH,L.
DR . F . Noth i ng , my dear (r eads) . The remedy isNORAH . I f you pla z e ,
sor,the Ch inee cook has come .
DR . F . All r igh t , Norah , Show him his room and
then take him to the k i tchen . M y dear w i l l you insta l l him ?
82
PATSY o’
wANG .
MRS . F. No indeed ! You may do that, Henry,t i l l
he gets a start . Dec ided ly I fee l nervous w i th a Ch inaman in the k i tchen . Who knows but he may po ison us
all.
NORAH . (Re-enter w it/i ca r d ) I f you pla z e , M rs.
F luke , M iss S imper ’ s at the dure .
MRS . F . Show her in,Norah
,at once . (Ex it NORAH
L. ) Now she w i l l be try ing to convert him .
EN TER MI SS S IM PER,L.
M RS. F . I’
m de l ighted to see you ,Mi ss S imper .
MISS S . Thank you ! I just run in for a m inute .
Good morning , Dr. Fluke .
DR . F . Good morn ing ,Mi ss S imper . How charm
ing you look . That ton i c benefited you greatly .
Shall I change theprescr i pt ion ?MISS S . (H astily ) No
,thank you , I have come
to-day in the i nterest of the m i ss ionary cause .
MRS . F . Wont you step back into the par lor wherewe can ta l k at le i sure ?MISS S . Oh no
,I
’
m in a dreadfu l hurry . The Afr ican Argonauts meet at e leven and I pres ide . We startour fi rst worker to Ashantee to-morrow . At 4 p . m . the
Mongo l i an Med iators have a meet ing and at 8 p . m .
is the debate in wh i ch we sha l l answer the Cann iba lCalumn iators .
DR . F . You are a very busy bee ,Miss S imper .
MISS S . No,I
’
ve res igned from the Busy Bees ; concentra t ing you see. They say you have a new Ch inesecook
,M rs. F luke .
MRS . F . Not I . H e’
s the doctor ’s impor tat ion .
Ta lk to him .
MISS S . (Entkusiastically ) Oh doctor,tell me all
about him . My heart b leeds for the m i l lions ofAs iawho s it in outer darkness .
DR . F . M y dear M i ss S imper , he is a go ld nugget ;he w i ll be a cap i tal acqu i s i t ion in your m i ss ion schoo l
,
so inte l l igent , so doc i le , so a ffect ionate,so so
83
PATSY O'
W/AN G
M ISSS . Just so . Dh,I
’
m perfectly de l igh ted . Doctor,
does he ah— . has he doffed the Ch inese ga rb yet anddonned the ra iment of c ivi l i z at ion “
?
DR . F . Blessed i f I know . I ’ l l ca l l him in and in
troduce him at once . (R ings )MISS
‘S . Do so . I“
was j ust go ing to ask that veryfavor . I
’
m sure he Wi l l agreeab l y surpr i se us a ll.
DR . F . H e w i l l . (NORAH enter s L. ) Br ing ChinSum here.
MRS . F . I hope theWretch doesn ’
t smoke op ium .
DR . F . Harr iet,don
’
t expose your ignorance . Thatis done in j oints .
MRS . F . What k ind of jo ints ?DR . F . B lessed i f I know
,b amboo jo ints possi b l y .
I hear the Chinese do most eve ryth ing w i th bambooexcept to fight Japan . They d id that in t he ir m inds.
EN TER NORAH follow ed by CH IN .
DR . F . Ch in Sum , _
I want to i ntroduce you to myw i fe ; by the way ,
“
I th ink I w i ll call you Patsy . Wi fe,
Our new servant Patsy O ’
wang , (MRS . F . surveys ii im
in silence.)PA TSY . (P uts left band to li e
'
ar t and bows . ) Ve l lymuch g lad see Mi ssee F luke .
DR . F . And th i s is M i ss S imper,a m i ss ion young
lady .
PA TSY . V ellee n i ce m ission gu l l (girl )MISS S . (B lusking ) M r . O
’
wang ,you ’ re so ga l lant .
Prom i se me to_
come to B ib le c lass nex t Sunday .
PA TSY . Soch th ing !MISS S . How intell igent !PA TSY . Leadee all same B iblee 'in F lisco ?
MISS S . I don ’
t understand him . ( Tur ns enquir inglyto D r )DR . F . Yes
,Patsy
,they read the same B ib le as they
do in Fr i sco .
PATSY . S ing‘
ve l l y n i ce hymn -song all same day ?
DR . F . Yes !
84
PATSY o’
wAN G .
PA TSY . Ch in Sum make be schoo l boy next Sundayall same day .
DR . F . (Looks at w atc/t . ) Pat ients w i l l be com ingsoon . Patsy, I ’ l l show you the k i tchen and tell youwhat to prepare for d inner to-day , after that M rs. FlukeMRS . F . Oh dear !MISS S . H ow charm ing ! So ch i ldlike !PA TSY . (Gr ins . ) All samee lika b ig man -sh i le ? No
catchee what say .
D R . F . Patsy, go to the k i tchen
,I ’ l l be there in a
m inute . (D r . goes into ofi ce c/tanges coat,putting on lig/zt
j acket, banging coat in office. F ollow s P atsy outL. )NORAH and MIKE lieard D . F
MRS . F . Here a re the attendants gett ing the bathsready . Come into the house. It may be all r igh t butI
’
m afra id .
MISS S . What,a fra id ofCh in ! I sha l l call him Ch in
,
poor b oy . I th ink those Ch inese names perfectlylovely . So b r i e f
,So s imple
,so ch i ld l ike . Ch in ! j ust
th ink ! so express ive .
M rs . F . (As t/zey go, L. ) And those horr id stor i es of
rats and op ium .
MISS S . I don ’
t be l ieve a word of it . (Ex eunt, L. )EN TER M IKE and NORAH from D F .
NORAH . What do you th ink,Mike
,of hav in
’
a
Ch i nee cook in the house ?MIKE . Ah Norah
,it
’
s an outrage , that’
s the who l eb lissid t ruth . To th ink ofa b lackgyard haythen cook in
’
for dac int peop l e .
NORAH . It’
s a d i sgrace , I ’ l l g ive not i ce,I w i ll
MIKE . I’
ll not ate a b it 0’
his d irthy cook in’
,fa i th
I ’ l l not .
NORAH . But what ’
ll ye do . Them that works must
eat .
MIKE . O’
im all r ight as long as freelunches hold out .
NORAH . Free lunches ye’
d b etter let alone,M ike .
85
PATSY o’
wAN G .
MIKE . Norah,it
’
s not the lunches that afficts me .
It’
s
'
what goes-w i th th im .
NORAH . Last t ime you know,D r . Fluke sa id you ’
d
have to leave i f you got drunk aga in .
MIKE . It’
s a'
b i t 0 ’ char i ty the doctor needs . Iverymon. has some wakeness
NORAH . And woman is weak too,so j ust carry Out
that box of bottles for me,I
’
ll have to wash them here .
The doctor has some of his truck in the'
laboratory .
MIKE . H e’
ll b e b low in’
the who l e place up y it
w i th,
his d innym ite an’
farmacopy . (B r ings out bottles
and sets box L. up. )NORAH . M ike
, ye’
d better get ready for M r . Boyler .
He’ l l be here pretty soon for his e lectr i c i ty and that
Engli shman w i ll want .his baw th. (NORAH w as/ting
bottles . )MIKE Fa i th i t ’
s enough to try the pa t i ence of ould
Job h imself. B egob , Job never was docthor ’
s ass i stan t .
I regret I iver intered the m id ical pro fess ion . Iveryto ime I look at ou ld Boyler he sez , Mike , ye
’
ve hurt me
rheuma t i z aga in .
NORAH . Mike, you are too strong , you must be carefu l .
MIKE . Fa i th I handle him j ust like a new bornbaby
,or l ike the egg w i th the ch ick unborn . B ut the
ou ld badger’
s that tender I ’
m mortally a fra id he ’ l l goall to p i eces
—
in the b ath tub .
NORAH . M r . Boyler compla ins to‘
Doctor Fluke thatyou are too rough .
MIKE . Too rough , is it’
! Fa i th he ’
ll have to be
packed in cotton n ix t. The Docthor w as a fter t’
e l l in ’
me to stretch Boy ler ’s l imb s g int ly lo i ke an’ I tuk
hold av his arm w i th one hand and his shoulther w i ththe other l ike th i s and pu l led like th i s
,sort 0 ’
b rac i n imys ilf lo ike w i th one fut for inst the tub . I
’
m a thafe
i f some j in t or other d idn ’
t Snap l ike a p i stol. I wasso sca red that I dropped the ou ld bundle in the watherhid over ears . I though t he was go in
’
to exshploder ight there in me hands.
86
PATSY o’
wAN G
NORAH . What d id he say ?
MIKE . I don ’
t know What he int inded to say . H e
sthrangled .
NORAH . Why,was he under the water so long as
tha t ?MIKE . No
,indade it wasn
’
t the wather It was the
strong language . He is that way somet im es ! when hisemot ions overcome him . When the ou ld s inner gets tosw ear in
’
,he can
’
t stop t i ll he sthrangles . After thathe
’
s very paceab le for a Shpell.NORAH . B ut he
'
s aw ful good in sp i te of his roughways. H e g ives you many a quarter .MIKE . That he does and I couldn ’
t th ink more of
an only ch i ld i f I had wan nor an on l y father aytherfor that matter . I
’
m pray in’
for him n igh t an’
day .
I f he Surv ives these b aths and the alectr ic ity an’
the
drugs and the plasthers , i t’
ll be a great tr iumph of the
m id ical profess ion . There he comes now,I hear his
cane on the wa lk .
EN TER BOYLER,L.
,.
limpingand tw isted w it/i r /teuma
BOYLER . Good morn ing ,M ike
, good morn ing ,Norah .
MIKE . M orn in’
,s ir . Begob , ye ’ re spry as a k i tten
th i s marn i u ’
. I thought it was the m i lkman whin'
I
heerd yez .
BOYLER . Mike,try to be careful to-day . You rubbed
my r igh t S ide yesterday t i ll I th ink you started allmyr ib s.
NORAH . Do b e gentle , Mike .
MIKE . I’ll
,be as tender— as tender as a shpr ing
ch i cken . It’
s alictr icty , sor , to-day ?
BOYLER . So it is,I forgot .
MIKE . The docthor sa id yez could’
nt stand anotherb ath to-day . (Ca tcking kimself . ) I mane ye’ re im
prov in ’
t i ll yez don’
t nade it . (Leads B . into D . P . to
opera ting r oom . )NORAH . ( Was/i ing bottles?) Such d i rty bott l es. The
lab e l s a in ’
t half soaked off and the half of them look
PATSY o’
wAN G .
greasy . (Sound of mac/zine liumming . ) Boyler groans :“ Oh ! Mi ke
,that ’
s too strong .
”
NORAH . Poor man,I wonder i f i t does him -any
good?
EN TER PA TSY O’WAN G,L.
PA TSY . Ilish gal! M onii in’
,Nolee .
NORAH . (Looks up. ) What’
s that ?PA TSY . All samee n ice day .
NORAH . Go back w i th yez to the k i tchen .
PATSV Ch in Sum want see .
EN TER M IKEfrom D . P .
MIKE . Ye z wan t to see ? All r ight ye shall see . That(P oints R . door . ) is the Docthor’s pr ivate cOnsult ifica
t ion room . Nobody but h imse l f and pat i ents and m imb ers o f '
the profess ion l ike mesilf go in there . (B . calls
MIKE . Back there is the operat ing room . Wh in ye zg it hu rted that
’
s where they saw yer leg off.
PA TSY . (Sta r ting ) What t ime saw leg ?
MIKE . Ony t o ime .
PA TSY . Who leg ?‘MIKE . Begob , onbody’s i f they can pay for the job .
(B . impa tiently calls“MIKE
,
MIKE . Com i n ’
,sor.
PATSY . (Sees mac/zine t/i r oug/z door . ) What mach ine ?All samee lope loun whee l .MIKE . (Scr a tc/i ing li is li ead . ) I
'
m think in’
it wou ldtake a F r inchman or a Dago to ta lk to the haythen .
PA TSY . Lope loun whee l . (M akes sign of tu r n ing . )MIKE. H e wants to turn a b i t . Begob , yez may turn
awh i le .
NORAH . B e ca reful,M ike . The doctor wou ldn ’
t
like i t . ( T/i ey enter D . F . )M IKE . ( Voice bea r d. ) Tu rn a i sy lo ike . It
’
s greatshport . (P a tsv tur ns mac/zine. )
RE-EN TER MIKE .
NORAH . Doctor wouldn’
t like you r l ett ing thatCh inee boy meddle here .
88
PATSY o’wANG .
PATSY . (Takes bottle“
.
of liniment,enter s D . P .
'
Rubs
B . wkogivesg r unts of sa tisfaction . PATSY r uns out,takes
anotker dr ink,r ubs stomac/i
,r uns back aga in ,
r ubs B .
B usiness ad lib. )
EN TER MIKE suddenly ,followed by NORAH ,
L. Tli ey sur
pr ise PATSY w it/i bottleMIKE . Put that down
, ye haythen !
PATSY . Ilishman dlunk ! (Runs back and tur ns kan
NORAH . Do ye hear that , M ike ? That Ch inaman’
s
go in’
to ru in the place ! Oh,do s top him .
MIKE. Let the haythen a i rn his wag es . (P ier ci ngs/i r ieks fr om B . )NORAH . Oh M i ke"
,do stop him . He’l l k i ll M r . Boy
ler.
M IKE . (Unconcer nedly . ) Fa i th , that’
s noth in ’
. That’
s
the way the ould badger goes on ivery day i f I on l y t0ucha b it av a sore spot . Agood Shak in
’
up’
ll benefit himgreatly
“
. I th ink he ’ l l be ready n ixt for the bat’
s l ivero il.
NORAH . M erc i fu l powers ! D id ye say bat’
s l i vero il?
MIKE .- Bat ’
s l iver O il,I sa id . (PA TSY comes out to
make sneak for bottle, MIKE tur ns and sees kim . ) Hould
ou there,Patsy ! The docthor and meself have inst i
tooted a regular coorse (B . yells)‘Mike , Where are you
Here,sor . ( To NORAH . ) F irst comes the hot bath at
ii o inety no ine degrays F arenhot , fo l lowed'
by pu l lin ’
the
limb s,on the in jy rubber plan . (B usiness of str etc/i ing
pa tient’
s a rm . ) Nix t is the alictr ic ity an’
lin iment ; th incomes the bat
’
s liver o il.NORAH . An ’
w hat w i ll b e next ?
MIKE . That ’s a saycret like the K a l y cure .
NoRAH . Tell me wont'
you M ike ?MIKE . Yis
,i f yez -won t tell onybody . (Approaclies
lier andputs upband to“
li er ea r,tken in very loud distinct
stage w li isper . ) Sand paper !_ 90
PATSY O ’
WANG .
NORAH . Go’ long w i th yez . (Slaps li im .)
B (Inside ) Murder ! Oh ! oh ! You i n ferna l scoundrel. (Gr eat r acket of B . getting out of c/i a ir . PATSYcomes outfifving w it/i B . after li im . Tkey come dow n C.
B . str ikes PATSY w it/i cane. PATSY g r abs a t cane andpullsB .
’
Sw ig of . Runs w it/i it into ofi ce,R .
,and closes door as.
B . t/i r ow s cane after kim . )MIK E . Thank God he
’
s cured ! H e’
s throwed awaythe cane . (B . clutckes at MIKE ’ S t/i roat
,MIKE dodges . )
Ai sy sor,a i sy
,ye ’ re all r igh t now .
B . (Speaks w it/i difi culty . ) You v i l la in ! M y leg is
on fire . (M akes after MIKE , c/iases li im r ound t/ie table. )MIKE . I b elave i t
,sor. It
’
s a very l i ve l y leg , M r .
Boyler . (T/i ey stop,MIKE nex t L.
,B . R . of table. )
B . ( Try ing to speak but can notfor r age and ex citement. )Oh
, you—you
MIKE . Ai sy sor,carefu l sor. Wont ye step into the
office and w r i te a b it of a t ist imon ial for the insht i
toot ion ? (B . s/i akes lzis fist a t li im ,speec/iless. )
NORAH . Oh dear,w e
’ re all ru ined . He'l l te l l the
Doctor .MIKE . Wh i st , he
’
s stranglin’
now . It is the profan i ty .
H e’
s often took that way . (PATSY i n ofi ce utter s a loud
wlzoop. )NORAH . Where is the Doctor . Everyth ing
’
s go ingto ru in . (Runs out L. Anotker w/i oopin office. B . fr a ntically r ubbing lame leg . )MIKE . That . haythen is gett in ’
gay . I’
ll tache hima lesson he won ’
t forget soon . I’
ll tache him to stay inthe k i tchen . (Goes tow a rd ofi ce door . )B . (Recovers speec/i . ) I
’
ll have you arrested, you
v i l la in,for malpract i ce .
MIKE . Malpract i ce ! What sort 0 ’ pract i ce is that ?B . You are a pa i r of knaves. (In ex citementputs
down lame leg . )MIKE . What a wonderfu l cure . Beaut i ful! I
’ll just
‘
kape th i s st i ck as a t ist imon ial
B . None of your insolence . I’
ll sue Doctor F luke
9 1
PATSY o’
wANG .
for damages, and'
as for you and that Ch inaman,I ’ l l
have you put in_
j a i l. (Going L. )MIKE . A beaut i ful cu re
,sor . Ye wa lk as stra ight
as— as Stra igh t— as the mora l law . Ye ’
d make an i llegan t drum-major .B . (Snor
'
ts ) Drum-ma jor ! (Goi ng )MIKE . Wont yez take yer hat
,sor ? (Ex it
'
B : L.
limping very little . ) Now I’
ll j ust settle w i th JohnChinaman
,
' bad cess to him .
EN TER PA TSY suddenlyfr om of‘ice.
PATSY . Whoopee ! Fee l good ! Allee same day feelbull y ! (j umpsfromfloor and kicks bis wooden -soled sboes
like an a tblete. )MIKE . (Sta r ting back . ) Fa i th I th ink he ’
s possissed !(PATSY still clutcbes w ig in left ba nd
,seiz es cane from
table and j umps upaga in . Comes dow n w itb a wboopand
makes a ligbtning sb illelali pass at MIKE ’S bead . )MIKE . The d iv il
’
s in him . I’
d b etther ca l l the
docthor . (Sta r ts L. slowly atfir st w itb PA TSY advancing .
Tbey’
keep eyes on eacb otber a nd MIKE g radually g ets in a
panic. H e suddenly da r ts for door j ust as PATSY tb rowsan empty bottle from table a t b is bead. B ottle b r eaks out
side w itb a cr asb .
PA TSY. (Comes down C. ) It’
s a bad head I have !Where am I ? What am I ? (Tb inks, a moment. ) N OW Ihave i t . I
’
m an I r i shman aga in IS th i s Hong K ong ?
No , th i s is Amer i ca . (Looks r ound. ) A'
doctor '
s Shop !I was th is way once be fore in Hong K ong . when I gotdrunk in the barracks . Wh iskey b r ings out the I r ish .
in me . B ut they put me back . What d id they g i vem e ? I can
’
t remember . M y head’
s all“ con fused .
(Hands to bead. ) Well,
'
I won t be a Ch inaman .
—I won t
take a b lessed drop of anyth ing but poteen . I’
ll get
r id of this'
Chinese dress .
" I hate it .
’
(N otices w ig. )Just the th ing ! (Coils pig -ta il upca r efully on topof b isbead andputson B .
’
Sw ig . Looks in band glass tkut is onskelf. ) Not so bad ! Old coat I
’
m done W i th you ,too .
PATSY o’
wAN G .
( Tbrows of Cbinese tunic. Gets doctor’
s coatfrom na il in
side ofi ce and puts it on . Looks in glass. ) Not so bad a
fit,though a b it too long in the ta i l s. (Walks across
stage. ) ,We l l now,a int ' I good enough I r i sh for N ew
York or Ch i cago or Cork ayther ? (Sees sboes. ) Lookat the b loody Shoes . (K icks tbem b igb in tbc a ir . ) Off
w i th ye . Cow leather ’s good enough for me . (Goes inofi ce and comes ou t w itb doctor
’
s sboes. P uts tbem on . )Now me to i let is more to me lik i n ’
, (Str uts admi r ingly . )Let that ould b ea r come back an
’
the doctor and hisman I ’ l l thrash the who le crowd i f they lay hands on
EN TER MRS . FLUKE , L.
MRS . F . A pat i en t ? The doc tor w i ll soon b e here .
Have a sea t,s ir . (N otices oddity of PA TSY ’ S appea r ance.
Sta r ts . ) Oh ! Who are you ?
PATSY . Don’
t be‘
a larmed,madam. I
’
m PatsyO
’
wang . I’
m the new No,indeed
,I
’
m not that .
.MRS . F . The new cook,and cra z y ! Oh dea r
,I knew
there ’
d be troub le . Oh,wby doesn
’
t D r. F luke come !
PATSY. I b eg ,madam
,that you do not g ive your
se l f any uneas iness about the doctor . He’
ll soon behere
,I assu re you .
MRS . F . H e seems harm less. I decla re i f he hasn ’
t
a w ig ! And as I l ive the doctor ’ s coat on . (Aside ) Arob ber in d i sgu i se .
PATSY . Madam , you are not w ell. I begyou to b e seated . (P oints to cba i r by table
MRS . F . H e’
s very poli te , at any r a te . (D ur i ng tb is
dialogue MRS . F . bas been getting closer to door L. and at
last da r ts out suddenly to surpr ise of PA TSY . )PATSY . There ’
s goes another ! It’
s not much confi
dence the new m i stress has in me . They ’ reputt in'
a jobupon me . What is it they gave me before ? ( Tb inks . )I
’
d g ive a thousand do l lars i f I cou ld on l y th i nk of it.
EN TER DR. F . L. follow ed by MRS . F .
,NORAH , MIKE ,
MISS S IMPER . PATSY r uns into ofice R . and locks bimselfi n .
93
PATSY O ’
WAN G
MRS . F . Doctor Fluke,I to ld you someth ing w ou ld
happen .
DR . F . Pshaw ,
"
noth ing has happened . M ike let
him have Wh i skey .
MRS . F . I to ld you so . The very th ing he shou ldn ’
t
have had .
D R . F . I ’ l l cure him qu i ck enough , and M ike youare v ery ca reless.
MIKE . I’m very sorry
,sor , but I d idn ’
t let him havethe Wh i skey . Do yez think
'
I’
d be wast in’
good li quoron a Ch inaman
MRS . F . B ut he’
s got it now and what w i l l you do,I
’
d l ike to know ?D R . F . I
’
ll j ust g ive'
him the remedy spoken of byMa jor Bark er .
MRS . F . What i s the remedy ?DR . F . (Claps band inpocket ) Where is tha t letter ?
H ere ’
s a go ! (Tur ns over papers on table looking for
MRS F . Have you lost the letter ?DR . F . It seems SO . (B usiness of diving b is bands
into b ispockets . ) Oh,I hav e it !
MRS . F . Read it then !DR . F . I meau
,l know where i t is . I changed coatsu
MRS . F . And Patsy has the coat on !DR . F . Well that is a s i tuat ion !MRS . F . (Hyster ically . ) Now he ’ l l murder us all.
DR . F . Nonsense Ma jor Ba rker says he ’
s the most
a ffect ionate c reature .
MRS .’ F . Ma jor Barker,fiddlest icks !
MISS S . I am'
su re the ma jor must be“r igh t . I do
th ink the Ch inese have such love l y d i spos i t ions .
MRS . F . M i ss S imper, you and the doctor fat igue
me W i th such twadd le .
DR . F.
‘Mike,suppose you go into the office and ask
him for my coat .
MIKE . I f you pla z e , sor,I th ink my appea rance
excoites him a hi t.
94
PATSY o’
wANG .
MISS S . Oh,let me go . (Sta r ts )
MRS F . M iss S imper,are you out of your senses ?
(P ulls ber back . )DR . F . I w i ll go in .
MRS . F . (P ulling b im back . ) Hen ry,do you wan t to
b e murdered ?DR
“
. F . (P etulantly r eleasing b imself. ) Let me alone .
(Goes towa rd door knocks . )“ Patsy ! Patsy !
MRS . F . Oh rash man ! Henry,I know we
’
ll all bek i lled in our tracks.
MISS S . Let me reason w i th him !MRS . F . Oh you s i lly goose . Do b e qu i et , wont you .
What can he be do ing ? (All listen . ) It’
s as qu i et as thegrave . I
’
ll bet he’
s tak ing po i son in his desperat ion .
Or hang ing h imse l f,may b e .
MIKE . There ’
s a no i ce b it 0’ rope on the pu l ley
mach ine .
MRS . F . We’ l l allb e k i lled yet , I know . Mi ss Sim
per , save yourse l f . (Sboves MISS S . and NORAH out,L. )
DR . F . Ha rr i et,there
'
i sn ’
t the sligh test danger .MRS . F . D r .
'
F luke,why do you stand there li ke a
post ? Why don ’
t you send for the poli ce before thatCh inaman does anyth ing desperate ? H e is cra z y and so
'
are you .
DR . F . Humph ! H e’
s drunk !MRS . F . H e
’
s cra z y . Mike,run for the poli ce .
DR . F . Mike,stay where you a re
,to ass i st me .
MRS . F . What a r e you go ing to do ,Hen ry ?
DR . F . Go ing in to that room . (M RS. F . tb r ow s upber bands and tben suddenly lays bold of DR .
’
s coat tails . )Let me a lone . (B r eaking loose, r aps on door ; MRS F . r uns
to door L. DR calls“ Patsy !” “Say ! Ch in Sum !
”
( Voiceinside) S i r . Wi l l you let me in ? ( Voice answ er s . )“ NO . I don ’
t want to a rrest you . ( Voice indistinctly . )I g ive you my word of honor . What ? Yes
,I
’
ll send
them a ll out .
MRS . F . Indeed ,I wont go GM and see you k i l led .
DR . F . Ha rr i et,how could you see me k i lled i f you
9 5
RATSY o’
wAN G .
went out . ( Tb rougb'
Yes,I
’
llsend them all .Mi kego at once . Ha rr i et
,please go . He won t open - the
door t i ll you allgo . H e is a fra id w e ’
ll take him to ja i l :MIKE . Sarve him good and ro ight ,
“ I say .
MRS . F . Yes he ough t to b e j a i led for act ing thatway . (Ex i t MIK E to oper a ting room
,D . P .
DR . F . (Leads MRS . F . out L.
,sbe
,protesting ,r etur ns
to ofii ce door , R .) Just hand my coat through the door ,please . (D oor opens and coa t i spusbed tbr ougb .
DR . F . Now for the remedy ! (Eagerly opens letter ,
r eads . )“Affect ionate crea tu re .
M RS.
“ F . (Ln door'
L. ) S tu ff !- DR . F . H um
,
“most confid ing—yes, it seems so .
Oh,here it is.
MRS . F . (Enter ingg ,eager ly . ) What is it ?
DR. F . Harr iet,why do you i nterrupt ? Oh
,here i t
i s !“ I f he ever gets under the influence of liquor he
labors under . the st range delus ion that he is an Ir i shman
MRS . F . How absu rd ! H e s cra z y,I’d call the po l ice .
DR . F . (P etulantly . ) M y dea r,w i ll you allow me ?
Th i s is a V ery cur ious case .
“The remedy is tea
,p l enty
of strong tea . How very s imple . (Rings bell. ) I’
llg ivehim enough tea to settle him in short order .
EN TER NORAH,L.
NORAH . What‘
i s it,sor ? Is he st i ll vo i lent ?
DR . F . Peace fu l as a lamb ! H e w ants tea .
NORAH Tay is it ! D id yez iverM RS. F . As well try a p inch of salt .
DR . F . Don’
tStand there talk ing ,Norah Bring the
tea at once . P lenty of i t ! Strong ! J ust throw about
half a pound into the t in pot ,and fill it W i th hot water .
NORAH . The t in pot houlds a ga l lon ,sor .
DR F . (Impa ti ently Wi ll you obey orders ? Go !
Run ! (Ex it NORAH gr umbli ng ,L. )
MRS F . Tea ! The idea ! (F ollow s NORAH outL.
DR . F . (P acingfloor, ex citedly . ) Th is is a great case .
96
PATSY o'
wANG .
B . There you are wrong, for I smashed itto b i ts.
DR . F . (Sta rting ) What’
s that you say ? My finemach ine ru ined ? I
’
ll have damages, M r . Boyler .
B . Damages ! I shall sue you for $ 1 0 ,000 damages .
DR F . Do it,s ir
,do it ! I t ’
ll make my fortune ;It w i l l advert ise the greatest cure of the age . Noth inglike a law su i t for advert is i ng purposes. Wont y ou
oblige me by b reak ing someth ing e l se ? Just upsetthose she lves
,wont you ? Throw my i nstrument case !
out of the w indow .
B . I’
ll not do i t . I wont grat i fy you . A gent l eman can find other ways of aveng ing an insu l t . Andthen there ’
s my Wig , too .
DR . F . Where ?B . Where ? Do you doub t my word ? ( Takes of bat
and exposes sbiny bald bead Do you see that .
DR . F . I see the head-p i ece b ut I don ’
t see any w ig .
B . (Empba tically . ) .
No,s ir
, you don’
t see —any w ig .
Your cra z y Chinaman snatched it off my head and ex
posed me to the ind ign i ty of go ing home barehead inthe pub li c, street .
DR . F . You shou ldn ’
t go out barehead, you may
catch co ld . I’
llnot b e respons ib le i f you d i sobey orders .
B. And whose fau l t wou ld it be ?DR . F . Yours , of course .
B . Why,hang you r assurance, D r . Fluke.
DR . F . I d i sapprove of your i nd iscret ion .
B . (Ex citedly . ) F luke,I don ’
t th ink I ever saw.
qu i te such monumental effrontery as you rs. That w igcost me one hundred and fi fty do l lars
,one Of the very
best make by the ce leb rated Toupee .
DR . F , Oh, we l’
lnot hagg le about tr ifles. I ’ l l cred iti t on the b i l l for the e l ectr i c mach ine . That cost fiVehundred do l lars.
B . (Gesticulating Cred i t it on the b i ll! That ’S coo l ,why con found your i nso lence ! I
’
ve a mind to cane yOuon the spot.
98
PATSY o ’
wAN G .
DR . F . But you can’
t, you see . You have no cane.
You are cured .
B . (Witb a roa r . ) Oh, th is man w i l l put me craz y i fI stay here much longer . You ’ l l hear from me aga in ,Dr . F luke . You are a quack . (B olts tow ard door as
EN TER NORAH,L. w it/i tr ay ,
milk j ug ,sugar bowl, spoons
andpla te of cracker s . B . r uns against ber and sends tbings
flying as be ex its .
NORAH . We l l,did yez iver see such a cyc lone ! (Com
mencespicking uptb ings a r ound tbc stage. )
EN TER MIKE,L.
,car rying big tin teapotfull of bot tea .
MIKE . Begorrah , it was lucky I was carry in’
the tay
pot or there’
d been a Noah ’
s flood o’
tay .
NORAH . Must I get more crame,Docthor ?
MIKE . It’
s a i sy to p i ck that upw i th a spoon .
MRS . F . and MISS S . appea r timidly at door,L.
DR . F . Bother the cream . It’
s the tea I want. Put
the th ings on the tab le . Now I ’ l l get him to come out .
MRS. F . Hen ry , do you th ink he’
ll hurt you ?MISS S . The idea ! Poor abused th ing !DR. F . C lear out
, you women . Do you want to
fr ighten him ? (Ex eunt MRS . F . and MISS S . ) M ike, goin the operat ing room to be ready for emergenc i es.
(MIKE enter s D . P . andpeeps outfrom time to time,as do
tbc two ladies,L. ) Norah , you be ready to serve the tea .
I’
ll dr ink some to make be l i eve . Be'
cool,don
’
t loseyour head .
NORAH . (Ar rang ing tea tbings . ) Yis ,"sor
,but I can ’
t
guarantee to kape me head i f that ou ld-cyc lone b lowsin aga in .
DR . F . (K nocks at ofi ce door . ) Patsy , come out
p lease. It’
s near ly d inner t ime . ( Voice indistinctlyinside. ) What ’s that ? Yes
,I
’
m all a lone,that is
,
Norah is here,too . (D oor opens cautiously . PATSY looks
out,tben '
comes out enveloped in doctor’
s ulster and mufi ed to
tbc ea r s w itb doctor’
s neckclotb . Wigfr ow z ed tillbe looks
99
PATSY o’
wANG .
like a fr igb t. As be appea r s,beads a t tbc otber door dis
appear suddenly . )DR . F . (Sta r ting back . ) Why Patsy , are you cold ?I feel dec idedly too warm .
PATSY . I th ink I took a b it 0’ co ld i n the cars
,I
’
m
sub j ect to sore throat .
NORAH . (Aside ) Cra z y as a
'
June b ug .
DR . F . Ch in Sum,do you l ike tea ?
PATSY . M y name isn ’
t Ch in Sum ; j ust Patr i ckO
’Wang ,if you p l ease .
D R. F . What i s the 0 for,Patr i ck ?
PATSY . The 0 show s that I ’
m a son of me father .DR . F . We have tea served . Somet imes we take a
l ight refreshment an hour or so before d inner . Patsy,
do you l ike tea ?PAT SY . (Aside ) Tea ! (Witb w ink . ) I
’
m onto the i rscheme . I
’
ll take a drop,weak i f you please , one lump
of sugar.DR . F . (Is at L. of table
,sea ts b imselffaci n o'fr ont )
Norah, plaCe a cha i r . B e seated
,Patsy . You must be
t i red .
PA TSY . Your honor I cou ldn ’
t s it in your presence .
(P . is a t R . of tableDR . F . Very well
,as you please . Norah
,pour the
tea . G ive me a small cup. F or a cold it shou ld bedrunk cop iously . You had better tak e severa l cups
,
Patsy .
PATSY . Very w e l l, s ir,I l ike tea myself. (DR . F.
cbuckles to b imself. NORAH,r ea r of table
,bands doctor
a small cuptbe/i a la rge one to PA TSY . La tter bas a
large bot-w ater bag under b is ulster w itb r ubber tube and
small funnel,all found i n ofiice. Tbe colla r of tbe ulster
must be very b igb and'
stand w ellforw a rd. Tbefunnel isbeld by tbc left bandpa r tially enveloped in a la rge silk band
ker cb ief. Under pr etense of coddling b is tb roa t PATSYkeeps b is left ban
’
d upunder bis cb in to keeptbcfunnel concealed. As be dr inks be tur ns aw ay to R . fr omtbc doctor
,
back to audience, pour s tea dow nfunnel. As be bands cup
IOO
PATSY O’
WANG.
DRr . F . (fumpimg upsurpr ised. ) Empty ! Why g i r lit ho lds a ga l lon !NORAH . An ’
he’
s drunk it all. The poor bye musthave the stomach of an osterich or a dodo.
DR . F . Patsy , do you mean to say that you havedrank a ga l lon of tea ?
PATSY . Fa i th,I th ink it ’
s nearer a barre l .DR . F . And how do you fee l ?PATSY . Like an irr igat ion
'
canal! (D ur ing tbese lastspeecbes MRS . F . ,
MISS S . and MIKE gatber round back oftable
,L.)
MRS . F . Doctor F l uke,you ’ l l k i l l that man w i th
your exper iments.
MISS S . Poor dear man !
DR . F . Silence,lad i es. Th is is a most ex traord inary
case ! (PATSY standsperfectly still,facing tbem
,left band
to tb roa t as
.
before . D octor takes bim by tbc sboulder and
tur ns b im round. P . does not r esist but makes a very w ry
face) Aremarkab le case. Why,I
’
ve hypnot i z ed him.
“
MIKE . Begob , I th ink he ’
s paral y z ed !M RS. F . What makes the horr id creature act so ?
H e’
s got a W i ld look . (PATSY r olls bis eyes . Women
r etr eat tow a rd door . )NORAH . I th ink he ’
s drow'
n in’
,I do.
DR . F . (Severely )‘ Patsy
,Why don
’
t you speak,
what a i ls you ?PATSY . A b it 0
’ queerness here . (Rubs stomack w itb
r igbt band. )DR . F . How
’
s your head ?PATSY . M e head ’
s all r ight . It’
s me stomach .
DR . F . Do you st i ll imag ine you are an I r i shman ?
PATSY . I am,sir
,Ir i sh to the bone. (Leansforwa rd
as if pa in in stomacb . R ubs stomack w itb'
r igbt band and
squirms. All tbis time be bas been bolding b is tb roat w itb
left band and concealing tbcfunnel. )MRS. F . Says he
’
s I r i sh .H e
’
s cra z y,Henry . I
to ld you so . He’ l l murder us all. (M ovement of allbut
doctor toward doors as befor e. )1 02
PATSY o’
wAN'
G .
NoRAH . I g i ve not i ce,M rs. F luke. I ’ l l not l ive in
the house w i th a cra z y -mom.
MIKE . Nayther w i ll I . I g i ve upme job . It w i l lbe hurt in
’
the profess ion to m ix w i th loonyt ics an’
Ch inese.
DR . F . (Ir r itated ) Ho ld your tongue , M ike . Th i sis a most extraord inary case !MIKE . Indade it is ! F i rst he ’
s a haythen Ch inee .
Then he takes a drop too much an’
goes W i ld an’ pu l ls
the c lothes aff other people‘
and says he ’
s an Ir i shman,
bad luck to him . Another dram ’
llturn him into a Dago ,
I belave. I qu i ts to-day, doctor . (D ur ing tbis time
PATSY ’ S uneasiness is incr easing ; finally be beg ins topranceround. M ovement towa rd door s as before )DR . F . Where is your pa in
,Patsy ?
PATSY . (Groans. ) M e stomach fee ls all queer l ike.
DR . F . (P uts band on P .
’ S stomack,starts . ) And no
wonder . Why,i t
’
5 hot as fire ! And d istended l ike a
ba l loon !MIKE (N ods toladies w itb w i selook . He
’S dishtended !Dr . F . M ike
, get the stomach pump in the office .
Norah,a bas in
,qu i ck ! (MIKE r unsforpump. PATSY
makesfor door , L. Ladies scr eam and disappea r .)PATSY . Fa i th
,; I
’
m on fire !
DR . F . (Seiz es bim . ) We’ l l fix you in. a m inute.
PATSY . Aye , doctor , you’
ve fixed me a l ready .
DR . F . (H olding to PATSY w bo str uggles towa rd doorL. ) Qu i ck ,
Mike ! (MIKE r eappea rs w itb pump . )PATSY . You ’
ll never put that th ing down my throat .
(Renews attempt to escape. FLUKE g rabs at b is tb r oat andca tcbes r ubber tube. Ulster comes open . P ulls out bag ofbot wa ter and allgaz e in astonisbment. )MIKE . By the powers, you
’
ve pu l led the sthom ick
c lane out av’ ’
im . (P ause ) Is that What it looks like ?I n i ver seed one b efore .
MRS. F . (In door . ) Oh horrors !MIKE . Hadn
’
t yez better put it back , docthor ? H e
may nade it .
1 03
PATSY o’
wAN G .
DR . F . (]s so astonisbed tba t be bolds tbc bag by tbctube for a few seconds. D r ops it in disgust. ) What .does
th i s mean, you rascal
P ATSY . (D eterminedly .) It means you can’
t fillme
upw i th tea and turn me back in to a Ch inaman . Theyd id that tr i ck in Hong K ong !
DR: F . (Crossly . ) What are you now ? I r ish Or
Ch inese ?PATSY . Ir i sh forever .M ISS S . (Sentimentally . ) D ear me ! I
’
m so disappo i n ted. I did hope we had got a real Ch inaman .
DR . F . But con found you man,I h i red you for a
Ch inaman . Aba rga in’
s a barga in .
PA TSY . That barga i n i s off.
MIK’ E . (Tbr ow s dow npump. ) Then I’
m aff,too . Two
I r i shman i n wan house i s w an too many .
PATSY . K eep you r p lace , Mike , I can do better .(All dr ess stage, w omen L.
,men R . ) I
’
m in Amer i canow
,the land ofopportun i t i es. I
’
m go in’
into po l i t i cs .
M e amb i t ion is to be an alderman and die b eloved and
respected by all.
MIKE . Begorrah , the amb i t ion of it !
DR . F . Very we l l,Patsy . S ince you a re go ing to
have influence let us part fr iends . ( Tbey sbake bands. )MIKE . Inflooence ! Fa i th
,I
’
ll n iver v ote -a shplitt i cket
,half I r ish half Ch inay .
DR . F . Patsy, you have had a strange h i story .
PATSY . I’
llrecoun t it i f you please , doctor .
Patsy O ’wang ,Song . Air “ P a t M alloy .
M e father w as a H ooligan,me mother was Chinay
And I was born in H ong K ong town ten thousand m iles away.
M e father w as a sojer in the tenth artilleree ,
H e took me to the ba rracks there in H ong K ong by the sea .
M e christian name w as Pa tsy and 0’Wang me name Chinay ;
An ’ while they all took toddy I drank nothin ’ but green tay .
One day I b rewed the punch meself an’
then I tr ied the same :
Hooray ! it touched a vital spot, it lit the Irish flame.
1 04
THETRIBULATIONS OF AUTHORSHIP
AFARCE
BYT. S . DENlSON
Au tbor of“ Odds w i t/i tb e Enemy ,
” “ In i tia ti ng a Gr a ng er ,
” “Wa n ted, a
Cor r esponden t ,” “AF am ily Str ike ,” “Setb Gr eenba ck
,
” “Louva,tb e Pa uper ,
Ha n s Von Sm a sb,
” “B or r ow i ng Tr ouble,
” “ Tw o Gbosts i n“ Wb i te
,
” “ Tbe
Pull-B a ck,
” “ Coun try j ustice ,” “ Tb e Assessor
,
” “ Tbe Spa r kli ng Cup,
Our Coun try ,
” “Ir i sb Li nen Peddler ,
” “ Tbe ScboolM a’am ,
” “K a n sa s
Imm ig r a nts ,” “An Only Da ugb ter ,
” Too M ucb of a Good Tb ing ,
Under tb cLa u r els,
"“Ha r d Ci der ,
”Tb e Da nger Sig n a l,
” “ Wi deEnoug bfor Tw o
,
” “Pets of Soc i ety ,
” “Is tbe Ed i tor In .9 Tbc
N ew Wom a n,
” “Pa tsy 0’Wa ng .
” “Rej ected ,"“ On ly Cold Tea ,
"
M a dam P ’s B ea u ty Pa r lor s ,
” “ Topp’s Tw ins “AF i r st
Cla ss Hotel,”“ It
’
s a ll i n tbe Pay-Str ea k , Tb e Cob
bler,
” “AD ude i n a Cy clone ,” “ F r iday D ia log ues .
Also tb e tVovels,
“ The M an Behind ,” “An Iron Crown ,
CIIICAGO :
T . S . DEN I SON,PUBLI SHER
,
1 63 RANDoLPH STREET .
REJ EC TED.
REJECTED.
CAST OF CHARACTERS .
MR . GREATHEAD , ofG reathead Wr igh'
t,Pub lishers.
MR . PowERs , a t ired “ reader for G . W .
MR . ARTHUR WEL BY,a turned -down author .
MR . RALPH HYDE-ARLIN GTON,a poet . Author of “ The
Dead Canary,
and other poems.
MRS. UPPERDYK'
E FADD,a soc i ety nove l i st .
SUSAN AN N BROWN,au thor of
“Winds that Sough inthe Nigh t.
MISS BODM AN,stenog raphe r for G . W .
WILLIAM,office boy .
Time ofplay ing ,for ty minutes.
HIN TS ON COSTUM ES AN D PLAY IN G .
M r. G reathead , d ign ified bus iness man,very natty
bus iness su i t,s i lk t i le
,etc . Powers
,p la in l y dressed
,
t i red,soured man
,but not boor i sh or coarse in any
respect. We lby,rust i c manners and dress but rather
presentab l e . Hyde-Arlington ,should b e unusual
,ei ther
very tall and unga inly or very stout and prosy look ing ,
ha i r bad l y mussed,linen so i led
,some buttons m i ss ing
from coat,Shoes w i th very b est °
shine to contrast w i thseedy appearance . D ro l l and good natured. M rs . Fadd
,
in latest sty le of street dress,j ewe l s ; pu ts on a i rs.
Susan Ann B rown,pla inly but we l l dressed
,b rusque
,
bus iness like,dec i s ive character . M i ss Bodman
,neat
dress,su i tab le for office .
STAGE D IRECT IONS .
R . means r igh t of the stage C.
,center ; R . C.
,
r ight center ; L.,left ; I E.
,fi rst entrance ; U .
-E.
,
upper entrance,etc . D . E.
,door in flat or back of the
stage . The actor is supposed to b e fac ing the aud ience.
COPYRIGHT,1 895 , BY T . s. DENISON .
1 08
REJECTED.
SCEN E— Ofi ce of _
GREATH EAD WRIGHT , P ublisber s.
D iscovered a s cur ta in r ises. MR . POWERS a “r eader
”a t
desk L.
,and MISS BODM AN
,stenog r apber , working
w r iting macb ine R . P . bas_la rge pile of M SS. befor e
bim . H e moves ner vously and knocks of leaves tba t sca tter
r oundfi’oor . R ises impa tiently.
POWERS . ( Talking to bimself aloud. ) Th i s is s imp lyk i l l ing . It wou ld wear out a cast- i ron man . (Commencespicking upsbeets . )MISS B . (Glancing
'
r ound H e’
s in a bad humor thismorn ing . Some poor author w i l l su ffer for it . (To P . )Found anyth ing good , M r . Powers ?POWERS . Such books ! Such inan i ty . Are all the
foo l s in the coun try tu rn ing authors ?M iss B . (Langb ing . ) Why , Mr . Powers
, you forgetyou are an author you rse l f .P . No
,M i ss Bodman
,I do not forget it . Here I
am,a man of gen ius , capab le ofW inn ing the adm i ra t ion
of two hem i spheres,who has in fact surpr i sed the c iv i l
i z ed wor ld - a l ready,compe l led to ea rn my b read by
delv i ng among the rubb i sh of a l i tera ry muck-heap .
MISS B . Why don ’
t you qu i t that and let your owngen ius loose ?P . Humph ! Abook l ike my Countess Margo, or
ARomance of two Cast les,
has no chance ofW inn ingin th i s money-grubb ing day . Peop le don
’
t know
poetry,romance ; pathos, and sympathy when they see
it . Gen i us i s ex t ingu ished am id the meretr i c ious g l i tter ings of fad l i terature .
MISS B . F ie,M r. Powers
,I rea l l y be l i eve you are
jealous of MRS . Upperdyke Fadd, w hose last novel“ Sweet J ing les Jang led” set everybody w i ld.
I I I
REJECTED .
P . M iss Bodman , I hope I sha l l never b e gu i l ty ofj ea lousy of M rs. Fadd. Why
,my book ,
“ARomance ofTwo Cast les is a prose idy l . It is as d i fferent fromM rs. Fadd S Sweet J ing les Jang led” as Con fuc ius isd i fferent from Br igham Young ;MISS B . Oh
,what a compar i son ! I do adm i re your
command of language !P . Ah
,t hank you . You a
’fe '
a woman of apprec iat ion
,b ut the wor ld— bah the wor ld— (P uts M SS. backon
MISSE. What have you found there to cross you ?P . What have I found ? The same old things—rub
b i sh from the four quarters of the ea rth ; dr ivel, n inetenths of it abso lute
,unqua l ified id iocy .
MISS B . Why,M r . Powers
, you are unusua l l y sarcast ic -to-day .
P . Haven’
t I c ause ? Here I,the author of ARo
mance of Two Cast les,
am expected to read for G reathead Wright, pub l i shers, from two to five books perday
— and oh such stuff . I’
m expected to dec ide. the
fate of a book,sub j ect to the fina l dec i s ion of M r.
G reathead. And I get a scor ing i f I rej ect a book thata fterward succeeds w i th some other pub l i sher.MISS B . F or instance
,Gen . Radwell
’
s great book .
P . Mi ss Bodman,that i sn ’
t apleasant sub ject . H ow
shou ld I know that Gen . Radwell’
s book wou ld be thegreatesthit for a ha l f century ? M r . G reathead stormed
,
and I be l ieve i f it hadn ’
t been for M r . Wright I shou ldnot to day be de lv ing in th is mounta in of ve rb iageas confiden t ia l reader and l i terary adv iser for the greatpub l i sh ing house Of G reathead Wrigh t . (Slams downM SS. on table besi de MISS B . S desk
,R . R ings bell. ) I
’ l ltell F iggs to return that
,it is all rot !
MISS B . Why , M r. Powers, you a re pos i t i ve l y us ing
S lang !P . I beg pardon ,
M i ss Bodman ,but I j ust cou ldn’
t“he l p it th is t im '
e. It is rot.
MISS B . Why , Whose book is it ?P . It
’
s another interm inab l e manuscr i pt fromArthurWe lby . That man is a menace to soc iety . H e ought
RE J ECTED.
there and d isp lace a sheet occas iona l l y so that Whenw rapped they w ill crease. Te l l F iggs abou t that . _ (B oy
fumbling w ilk M SS. knoeks it of talzle ana’tke skeetsfly in
every di r ection . In a tteinpting to ea ten M SS. beover tu r ns
tlze disk of water asea’w itk letter pr ess and it rolls onfloor
w etting some of skeets.
MISS. B . (Spr inging asza’e. Good grac ious, Wi lliam !
P . Just l ike a boy ! A boy’ S an an ima l ! You ’
ve
made a pretty mess of th ings.
W . I’
m on l y mussin’
it,Sll
‘
. (Tkey ga tker npM SS.,
MISS . B . w iping wa terfr ont skir ts . )P . Some of it is w
,et it must b e ca refu l l y
"
dr ied.
MISS . B. I ’m a fra id i t ’
ll b lur badly .
P . We l l,he a t least cannot compla in that it has
never been opened. One author actua l ly had the au
dac ity to wr i te that his book had never been opened.
MISS B . Had it ?
P . I be l i eve not . That joke was on Snap . Theybotch th ings in the maga z ine department. I am ca refu lto Open everyth ing . No n eed to read i t .
MISS B . H ow do you dec ide on the mer i ts w i thout.
read ing ?P . Easy enough . There is a sort of recogn 1 z ed
l i terary c l i que. I f a book has the counters'
ign ‘
i t is
read ; if it comes from an outs ider i t is returned a t oncew i th thanks, etc . G reathead
,
& Wr igh t , in fact allpublishers
,seek peop le w i th a reputat ion .
MISS B . Dear me,
‘
how does an outs ider get in then ?P . H e doesn
’
t get in .
MISS B . But how can an author get a reputat ion t i l lhe has pub l i shed a book ?
P . That ’s his'
affa i r . H e can ’
t sure l y expect to publ i sh t i l l he has the reputat ion .
EN TER SUSANANN BROWN,R . H er manner is br asgae in
tkis scene ana’s/ie talks a
’own all opposition.
SUSAN . IS th i s the office of G reathead Wrigh tPub l i shers ?P . (B ow ing ,
comes down C . ) It is. What can I dofor you , madam ?
1 1 4
REJECTED .
SUSAN . Mr. Greathead in ?P . Your name ?
SUSAN . Susan Ann B rown . Is M r. G rea thead in ?P . Not at present
,it
’
s a l i tt le ear l y .
SUSAN .
‘ Wright in ?P. (Astonisked at ker manner . ) H e is out of the c i ty
,
madam . Can’
t I do someth ing for you ? Your bus iness ?SUSAN . (Witli a ir of contempt for lzisposition . ) I don ’
t
think you can . I ca l l ed on very important bus iness !P . I am here to attend to bus iness !SUSAN . I can ’
t talk to c lerks ! I want to see one of
the firm .
P . I f it is an order for books,the count ing room is
j ust across the hall.SUSAN . ( I/Vit/z toss of kead . ) It i sn
’
t an order . I aman author . Have a novel
,Winds that Sough in the
Night , pages .
P . Madam,i t is my bus iness to take charge ofmanu
scr i pts . ISU SAN . (Einpka tically . ) No
, you don’
t .
“
I’
ve heardof your ways. Nobody b ut the firm w i l l read my book .
P . But that is imposs i b le . Our p lanSUSAN . Is to g ive manuscr i pts to some c lerk to be
fumb led over . As i f a ten do l lar c lerk was the arb i terof l i terature ; or may b e you send it out to some soc ietywoman whose husband has fa iled in bus iness
,as i f that
had fitted her to dec ide anyth ing .
P . But madam,i f you w i ll a l low me
,we cons ider
our readers competent .
SUSAN . And I th ink (talks fast a nd enzp/ia tically oatdistinctly) an author knows someth ing about a book
too,a fter to i ling at . it for months. Humph
,do you
suppose I’
ve been l i v ing so long for noth ing and w r i ting all my l i fe , too ? Your p lan ,
indeed ! My book“Winds that Sough in the N igh t” dea ls w i th T/i eosop/zy .
You wou ld g ive that to some man who th inks Theosophy all a humbug . H e
’
d laugh at it and I’
d be out mypostage. I f my book was an expose ofTheosophy
, you
wou ld g ive it to some man who be l ieved in the th ingand he
’
d turn it .down for sp i te . Author out aga insay , when
’
ll G reathead be in ?1 1 5
RE JEC TED .
P . I shou ld say ins ide ha l f an hou r .SUSAN . Wh i ch had I b etter see
,M r . G reathead or
M r . Wrigh t ?P . (Resignedly . ) Ei ther w i ll do .
SUSAN . Then I ’
ll see G reathead first.
P . Have you a l etter of introduct ion,madam ?
SU SAN . Don’
t need any. I introduce myself . If
G reathead doesn’
t come a round to my v iews I’
ll see
Wright . I f he is not conv inced,I ’ l l get the two to
gether and te l l’
em what they are m i ss ing ifthey rej ectmy nove l . Why
,it is equa l to Unc le Tom ’
s Cab in and
it is longer than “Robert El Smere .
P . (Getting impa tient. ) M iss Brown ,excuse me
,I am
very busy,w i l l you leave a card ?
SUSAN . No,I ’ l l be back in ha l f an hour.
P . But what sha l l I say ?SUSAN . Noth ing . I
’
ll do the talk ing . I wasa bookagent for five years .
P . Oh
SU SAN . And I’
ve been in N ew York before ! Don’
t
forget that . And I’
ve so ld G reathead’
s books. I guessI
’
m not a fra id of him . (Ex it, R . )MISS B . (D raw ing long or eatk . ) D id you ever !P . Regular cyclone ! Electr i c motor
,qu ick
actionMISS B . What w i ll M r . G reathead say to her ?
P . T rust him . H e w as a l i fe insurance agent beforehe was a pub l i sher .
EN<rER MR . GREATH EAD,R .
MR . G .
’
Good morn ing , Powers . Good morn ing ,Mi ss Bodman .
P .
M ISSB .
MR . G . M r. Powers,has the pr in ter sent over. press
proofs of -M rs. Upperdyke F add’
s novel “Mi ss Duc ie’
s
Mi stake ?P . They are on your desk
,s ir .
M r . G . (Going towa rdpr ivate ofi ce,D . F . ) M r . Pow
ers,i f that man We l
'
by calls, pos i t i vely ,
‘
I can not See
1 1 6
Good morn i ng ,M r . G reathead .
RF JECTED .
in Welby . H e has present iments. H e knows he is
go ing to get i t in the neck .
MISS B . Rea l l y,M r . Powers
,your language is shock
ing to-day .1
P . I can ’
t he l p it . Just -I think ! In the last th ree
days some Score of rejected authors have been ins i st ingon reasons, and I can ’
t g ive reasons. M r. G reatheadhas forb idden i t.MISS B . But don
’
t you th ink an author is ent i tledto some cons iderat ion where his own hard labor is con
cerned ?P . G reat Scott ! I f I tr i ed to sat i sfy them all I
’
d be
in an i nsane asylum b efore a month . They manage
that better .in the maga z ine department . M r .
' Wr ight
is a man of bus iness. H e—has g i ven orders to stop all
authors in the vest ibule , take the i r books away fromthem and show them out.
EN TER WILLIAM,R
,ca r ry i ng enormous a r nzfulofM SS.
inpackages and envelopes . Somefall tofloor . P uts t/zem
on P .
’
s desk . A r oll r emains onfloor .
P . (Groans . ) Look at that p i le , one ma i l!WILLIAM . (Aside ) That ’ llmake the old man sweat .
(Sta r ts out and stumbles over r oll, falls spr awling .)
P . Look at your care l essness ! P i ck that up. The
dance has ro l led it . The magaz ine departmen t refusesto look at anyth ing that is rolled. But I am a drudge .
I llave to do it. G reathead is too easy.
MISS B . But our letters,M r. Powers
,
P . (Groans. ) I’
llmake them Short . (D icta tes. ) M r .
Arthur Welby,Mount Hope
,Ill.— You had better move
to mount Despa i rMISS B . Do I take all that ?P . No
,of course not . I
’
m ta lk ing now .
MISS B . I see .
P . There are prec ious few authors anywhere In
Amer i ca,and as
—for the West and espec iall y Ch i cagopah!MISS B I suppose the best can come only from Eu
rope .
1 1 8
REJECTED .
P . Dec ided l y .
MISS B . Amer ica was not b ig enough to produceA
’
Romance of Two Castles .
P . Mi ss Bodman,sarcasm is wasted in th i s office .
I f you do not l ike my book —once is suffic ien t to tellme . (Spitefully ) Of course , i f you likeArthur Welby ’
s
novel,
“The M an from Mattoon
, you cou ldn’
t likem ine. Go on please
, you have the address.
MISS B . ( .Ta r tly ) I’
m wa i t ing to go on . (Reads )M r. ArthurWelby
,M t . Hope
,Ill.
P . Dear S i r— We have read carefu l ly the MSS. of
your very interest ing storyMISS B. What a fib !P . Miss Bodman
,you / w i l l please not interrupt
The Governor ’s Daughter . We regret that it is notexact l y su i ted to our present needs. Thank ing you for
the'
opportunity of read ing your very or ig ina l book weare
,Very respect fu l l y
, Grea thead Wright . Now for
that i rrepress ible poet , M r . Ral ph Hyde -Ar l ington .
MISS B . I hope you are not go ing to reject him .
P . I should say rather . Why not ?
MISS B . Some of his poems are just lovel y .
P . S tu ff ! Noth ing but j ing le !MISS B . Qu i te the contrary . H is Li nes to a Dead
Canary” are full of pathos and sent iment .
P . Well,I adm i t that Hyde Arlington ’
s l ines have a
certa in go abou t them su i ted to these t imes when ideasare superfluous in l i terature.
MISS B . (Witk sentiment. ) What is your idea l of himM r . Powers .
P . H um,I have no t ime to form Idea l s.
MISS B . H is name is qu i te romant i c,Ralph Hyde
Ar l ington .
P . Yes,it looks well on a t i t le page.
MISS B . I th ink he must be tall and handsome,w i th
dreamy eyes and dark curling locks. H is sent iment isso tender . H e must b e an Apollo.
P . Poss ib l y . I hope we shan '
t have to ver i fy that .
H e’
s in the c i ty now .
MISS B . I hope he ’
ll ca l l.1 1 9
REJECTED .
P . (Empbatically . ) I hope he W i llnOt . You know Idread the S ight of an author as I dread smallpox . Now
for his letter.
EN TER WILLIAM,suddenly ,
R .
WILLIAM . M r . Welby ’
s here aga lu . H e’
s k ind ’
0
ex c i ted . (P . j umps up. Tlzr ustsW .
’
s letter into boy’
s lzand. )P . Ma i l that immed iately
,Wi lliam . (To MISS B . )
Tell We lby we ’
ve w ri tten . Say anyth ing . Get r id of
him . (Ex it lzastily ,L. )EN TER WELBY
,R .
W . I b eg pardon ,Miss
,I j ust ca lled to say that I ’ l l
be in town three or four days yet. My address is Fi fthAvenue '
Hotel.
MISS B . Yes, Sir , I ’ l l note that.
W . (H esita ting . ) My book was to have immed iateattent ion . I suppose i t is in hand to day . (B oy a t door
g r ins, liolds letter , MISS B . nods to bim
MISS B . I th ink that it is— that is— oh,I remem
ber . The house h as w r i tten you .
W . Oh,so soon . Then they must want
an in terv i ew . In t hat case I am at the i r serv ice . I’
ll,
wa i t now .
MISS B . (P erplex ed) Oh,no— I mean t (w inks a t W .
aga in) that is you had better‘
see the l etter .
EN TER RALPH,R .
RALPH . Is th i s the office of .G reathead Wrigh t ,Pub l i shers ?MISS B . Yes
,s ir
,the count ing room is just across
the ha l l .RALPH . The count ing room is not what I want . I
seek an interv i ew w i th the firm .
MISS B . That is imposs ib le . M r. Wrigh t has goneto Boston and M r . G reathead has been very busy of
late w i th authors.
RALPH . Then G reathead is myman,I am an author .
MISS B . (Surpr i .sed ) In that case I’
ll leave yourcard on his desk .
1 20
REJECTED .
RALPH . Thanks,I
’
ll send you a Dead Cana ry .
EN TER WILLIAM,R .
MISS. B . Wi l l iam,Show these gen t lemen i nto recep
t ion room . And ask M r . Rob inson the bookkeeper,to
step here a moment . (Ex eunth R ) We l l , I'
never ! Thatman the poet
,Ral ph Hyde-Arlington . H e looks l ike
a j unk dea ler,and marr i ed and n ine ch i ldren ! Horrors !
I thought Loll i e June T ibb ie '
must be a w i llo’
wy schoolg i rl, but She p roves to b e forty and we ighs 1 80 .
*
. Oh,
the surpr i ses of li terature ! Arlington’
s face wou ldstopa c lock .
RE-EN TER ‘WILLIAM,R .
'
WILLI AM . Rob inson says he just won t take anymore poets out to Iunch .
MISS B . Why ?WILLIAM . H e w ent out w i th fou r yesterday
, an’
to :
day he’
s near ly dead w i th dyspepsy , or whatever ye call
it .
MISS B .
J
Let the firm pay his doc-tor b i ll. I’
m not"
here to get r id of people .
WILLIAM . H e’
s b een'
tak in’
peps icum allday an’
sayshe j ust wont do it fur nobody (Ex it W .
,R . )
EN TER M R . G . and P. from D . E.
P . (Anx iously . ) Have they gone ?MISS B .
.No,they are in the recept ion room .
MR . G . Powers,I
’
ll leave i t to you . I s imply can’
t
see M r . Welby aga in .
‘
Th i s is the fi fth t ime we have .
turned him down .
P . M i ss Bodman has ma i led him a letter,and— by the
way , where d id you send that l etter ?MISS B . Why to the F i fth Avenue hote l of course .
P . Oh,reckless young woman ! now you have done
it . He’ll get that l etter and b e back here in fi fteen
m inutes,wan t ing r easons. The letter should have gone
to Mount Despa i r,I l l ino i s.
MISS B . You mean M ount H ope.
P . Yes,of course . Why d idn ’
t you send it to Mount,
Hope ?1 22
REJEC TED .
MISS B . Because you gave me his card w i th F i fthAvenue Hotel address.
MR . G . We’ l l have the bookkeeper take him to
lunch .
MISS B . Rob inson refuses. Says he is a l ready dy ingof ind igest ion .
MR . G . Then i t devo lves on you ,Powers .
P . M r . G reathead,I have heart troub le . Send for
Snap .
MR . G . I ’ l l, put both of them in on Snap .
That ’ l l b e a good joke , . eh Powers ?P . Oh very funny
,s ir . Snap
_
p layed me that tr i ckonce .
MR . G . By the way , M i ss Bodman, yOu had better
take your lunch .
MISS B . Yes,Sir. (Ex it B . R . )
MR . G . Powers,what do you think of M r . Wi lbur
B . Chapter-Chapter’
s new novel?
P . What can you expect from Ch i cago ?MR . G . But Ch i cago has her 400 now .
P . Th ey i lzink they have.
MR . G . That amounts to the same th ing . They w i l lbuy M r . Chapter-Chapter ’s book solely because ‘
he is
in the 400 .
P . Then you w i l l sell it ch i efly on the b i nd ing ?MR . G . Certa inly ! The most successfu l books now
adays owe part of the i r success to the b inder,j ust as
the stage carpenter bu i lds a p lay .
P . I th ink you are r igh t , they have plenty ofmoneyin Ch i cago— and pork .
MR . G . Powers, you are prej ud iced aga inst the West .
We must cater to them .
P . V ery we l l,s ir. Chapter-Chapter ’s book is good
enough for a caterer . There ’
s noth ing In it .
MR . G . That makes no d i fference . Ideas make
l i teratu re but paper w i l l make books.
P._And it lacks the smooth
, gum drop sty le of
M rs. F add’
s“ Sweet J ingles Jangled.
MR . G . Gum -drops ! Powers, you are
rather severe on M rs. Fadd . We can ’
t ex pect to equa l1 23
RE JECTED .
her great book more than once in a decade . The on l ypo int to be cons idered is th i s : Is Chapter-Chapterfsbook in good form ?P . Oh
,the best . Why
,be led the ba l l g i ven in
honor of Pr incess Eu lalia .
MR .
‘
G . That fact a lone is a\. capital start. . We
’ l lstate it in the prefaceP . And he ded i cated the Joss House erected by the
Century C lub to the"
adoration of the“ Heaven ly
Tw ins .
M r . G . Enough ! We w i l l pub l i sh Chapter-Chapter '
s
book .
P . We Should have i t endor sed by the SupremeCounc i l of the New York Pow Wow .
Mr . G . That is very easy . The secretary w i l l w r i teus a
“Letter .EN TER WILLIAM
,R .
WILLIAM . M r . G reathead,M rs . Upperdyke Fadd
has called .
MR . G . (P leased ) Show her in,Wi l l iam . Powers
,
do your b est . She l ikes comp l iment and she ’
s the
greatest wr i ter of the t ime .
P . You mean seller,M r. G reathead .
1»
M r . G . Yes, yes, but do try to worsh i p her a li tt le
business you know .
EN TER MRS . FADD,R .
MR . Gr.~ (Ef usively ) ,M y dear. M rs. Fadd
,th is is
indeed a p l easure . (P laces eka i r,C . )
P . (B ow ing ) Yes, un fortunately we see so l i tt le of
authors,those wonderfu l peop le who make the wor ld
laugh or weep at the i r w i ll.MR . G . (Tapping P .
’s sboulder . ) Very neat ! I cou ldn ’
t
have sa id it so w ell.
MRS . F . (D r opping i n eka i r . ) You are very k indgent lemen: B ut I
’
m here on bus iness. How are the
books selling ?MR . G . The success of “your book is S imp ly phenom
ena l . The sa les of“ Sweet J ing les Jang l ed marks
1 24
REJECTED .
’
P . Mi ss Bodman is not here.
M R G . Couldn’
t you manage to take it ?
P . Poss ibly , yes . (Gets w r itingpad a nd sea ts b imselfa t desk . )MR . G.
_
Thepub l i c is very much interested In ce lebrit ies j ust
”
now. Napo leon you know ,and P illby . The
po l i t i c ian he ld sway a long t ime but now the otherpeop le are fa lling into l ine . When the pub l i c hea rs ofsuccess
, t hey want to know allabout its possessor ._
The
pub l i c ido l i z e Success. Now the papers are pub l ish ingportra i ts of dash ing Board of T rade men ,
b r i lliant,
b ra iny pork packers , so l id real estate men,smooth o il
refiners,expans i ve gas operators .
P.
“ I have seen a wr i te-upof a'
philanthropi c op'
erator in fire sales
,ten -cent counter goods , etc . made his
m i l l ion of cou rse . Th i s is a progress i ve age .
MR . G . Now,M rs . Fadd
,be k ind
'
enough to answer :Q . What k ind of paper do you w r ite on ?
A. Cream la id,n ote s iz e .
P . Jersey cream ?
MR . G . Powers, you are gett ing soabsent-m inded .
Th i s is an interv iew of a li tera ry ce leb r i ty .
Q. What sort of cha i r do you Sit in ?A. Cane -bottomed.
Q . Stra igh t back or curved ?A. S l ightly curved .
Q . You w r i te eas ily ?A. Oh very ! Why
,it
’
s j ust dead easy . Goodness
me ! What“
d id the old-fash ioned author do w i th hist ime
,I
'
d l ike to know . We read that they w rote and
scratched out and groaned and sweat ; why I can ’
t understand it . I drop the sheets on floor w i th my left hand ,(MR . G .
“ Got tba t P owers? Witk ker left band. l i keclock work ,
"
a sheet every five m inutes,twe lve sheets
an . hour . Six thousand w ords per day .
MR . G . Just th ink of it . Amost prolific pen .
P . Yes,the fema le pen is often very prolific .
Q . Do you _have moods,M rs. Fadd ?
M RS. F ._Why , as to grammar
M R . G . I mean the other k ind ofmoods.
REJECTED .
A. M oods! no indeed,i f I had moods the pub l i c
wou ld d iscern them . I set myself a standard ofun i formity and compe l myself to atta in it . When I w rote“ Sweet J ing les Jangled I set myse l f to please . Labored e fforts never please . I sa id there Shou ldn ’
t be an
idea -in the book , and there i sn ’
t . The m i stake of the
old authors was in th ink ing the pub l i c wanted ideas.
It does not want to be bored w i th ideas. It wants
smooth , flow ing ,sooth ing—what sha l l I say ?
P . S tu ff .M RS.
'
F . No, there is a better word. ( Tb inks . ) Dearme— for the present we ’ l l say stuff
,that may b e read
any where at any t ime w i thout the poss ib i l i ty of exc it
ing thought or provok ing t i resome d i scuss ion . That ’swhy the pub l i c l ikes M rs. Fadd. It knows M rs. Faddis both safe and en terta in ing .
Q . M rs. Fadd do you rev i se much ?A. Oh
,never ! I cons ider rev i s ion the rock on wh i ch
many authors have foundered . The moment you beg in torev ise you b reak in upon that flow ing smoothness wh i chthe pub l i c likes
,and then your stu ff doesn ’
t appearfresh . I f you rev ise ,
“your work is sure to show it,and
that the pub l i c resen ts,says you are stra in ing a fter effect .
Why,we read of one of the old authors who rode round
town for an ent i re day in a ha l f demented cond i t ion,in
a cab,fo the great a larm of the dr i ver . At last t
,hrow
ing open the door,he jumped w i ld l y into the street
,at
the risk of his neck,exc la im ing :
“I
’
ve got it ! I’
ve got
it !”The cabman greatly reli eved thought he a l l uded .
to the fare and repli ed ! “All r ight , s ir ! Seven hours,one dollar an hour . (All laugk . ) The author angr i l yrep l ied: You fool I ’
m ta lk ing about a word I wanted .
At last I ’
ve got it . Now is it any wonder that authorswho drove round in cabs look ing for words were a lwaysin ind igent c i rcumstances ?P . Ad i ct ionary would be cheaper.MR . G. Dec ided l y ! Now as to your persona l l i fe ,
M rs. Fadd,the pub li c ins ists on know ing those th ings.
M rs. F . I’
m sure I don ’
t ob j ect to te l l ing .
Q . Do you take cream in your coffee ?1 27
R EJEC TED .
At b reak fast , not at d inne r .Suga r ?Yes.
H ow many lumps ?Two at b reak fast
,one at d inne r .
MR . G . Note that Powers ; cur ious eccentr ic i ty inthe matter of sugar . Expand that a li ttle .
Q . Whose soap do you use ?
A. Qu ince ’
s.
Q . I f you on l y took a c igarette occas iona l l y it
wou ld add p iquancy you know ; royalty does it , duchesses and all the biz ar r e people .
MRS . F . Oh,I do smoke a l i tt le but you reall y must
not put that in ,I
'
O
PITO
RQO
FD
EN TER br usquelySUSAN AN N BROWN ,R .
SUSAN . Is th i s M r . G reatheadMRS . F . ( j umping up. ) Oh dear ! What i f She heard !
She may th ink I smoke a p i pe .
‘
Goodness me ! (Runs
out L. )SUSAN . IS th is M r . G reathead ?MR . G . It is madam
,at your serv i ce .
SUSAN . I am Susan Ann Brown,author of “Winds
that Sough in the Nigh t , the greatest nove l of the day,pages, words.
MR . G . To be sure. I’
ll introduce you to M r . Pow
ers our“Reader . H e w i ll exam ine your book .
SUSAN . I want M r . G reathead to read it .
MR . G . That is s imp ly imposs ible , Have an en
gagement. M r . Powers is neXt to me .
SUSAN . I guess the best way is for me to ca l l aga in .
I’
ll read it to you myse l f .MR . G . El even hundred pages ! Excuse me
,madam
I have an urgent engagement (looks a t watck ) . Past t ime
now ! Here,Powers
,attend to the l ady . (Ruskes out L. )
SUSAN . ( To P . ) So you are n ex t to him . I f youdec ide you must first hear every l ine, no sk i pp ing . I
’
llsee to that myse l f.P . (Sits a t bis desk and commences tofumble M SS.
,out
of kumor . ) My dea r madam,our p lan
1 28
REJ ECTED .
W . S i r, you are i nsu l t ing .
P . Very well,
_
abuse me i f you choose. I’
m on l y an
emp loyé. I have to b e po l i te .
W._But has an author no r ights ? Must he go on
forever'
like the Wander ing Jew and never be to ld anyth ing ? If I were your ta i lor you wou ld -te l lme Whatwas
‘
the matter .P . It costs more to put a book to press than it does
a coat .
W. I cou ld poss ib l y fix upthe book Or wr i te one
that wou ld p lease you .
P . I’
m very sorry,M r . We lby
,but I
’
m on l y partof a vast mach ine and we can ’
t g ive reasons for everyth ing we do.
W . But M r. G reathead pract icallv prom ised me an
interv iew .
P . Then see him .
W. How can I see him when he ’
s never v i s ib l e ?P . I
’
ll ca l l him . (Raps,D . E. )
EN TER G
MR . G . (Sta r ts back, surpr ised. ) Ah, is i t you , M r .
We lbyW. Yes. M ay I ask Someth ing about my book ?
MR . G . Why, really it’
s aga inst our rules but , PowerS,suppose you take M r . We lby out to lunch and ta lk w i thhim .
W . I much prefer to see you , sir. I agree not to
bore you .
MR . G . (Gets bat. ) Then suppose you do me the
honor of lunch ing w i th me at the C lub .
W . Wi th p leasure . (Exeunt, R . )P . (D ropping in c/zai r . ) I sha l l have soften ing of
the b ra in,I know it
,I feel it com ing on .
ENTER RALPH,R .
RALPH . Mr. G reathead 1 n yet ?
RALPH . I’
ve been wa i t ing in the recept ion room two
hours.1 30
RE J ECTED .
P . I’
m very sorry .
RALPH . Where is he ? I’
ll fo l low him allover NewYork .
P . (Wear ilyf
) Gone to lunch w i th M r . We lby .
RALPH .
‘We lby,ha ! We lby is tak ing advan tage of
me . Why d idn ’
t I inv i te M r . G reathead to l unch w i thme . (Runs finger s t brougb ba i r assumes
wbicb is very comical. ) M ay be I m not so well dressedas Welby , but c lothes have noth ing to dow i th l i terature .
P . But they do w i th books .
RALPH . A fine d i st inct ion . M rs . Fadd wears goodc lothes. M r . Powers , wh i l e we are all alone
,suppose
I just read you a few poems from my new volume,
The P i th So ld i er , and Other Poems ?”
They far sur
pass the “Dead Canary . You ’
ll wan t them .
P . Mr . Hyde-Arlington ,we never do that . It
’
s
aga inst the rules.
RALPH . I mean just in an i n formal way between
ourse lves You know the success atta ined by my“Dead
Canary .
P . Imposs ib le ,my dear s ir . The bu i ld ing may take fire.
RALPH . (Sta r ting ) F i re ! What’
s t hat you sa id ?P . I mean— go on Sir . (R. beg ins unw r appingpackage. )P . (Aside ) I
’
ll try the fire a larm . (B efor e be can
r ing bell)EN TER
,R . bastily ,
SUSAN .
SUSAN . Young man,that was a false a larm . There
wasn’
t any fire .
RALPH . F i re ! No,my poetry is not as hot as M rs.
Wheelw r ight’
s.
SUSAN . (Ignores I lost a page of my book . Icou ldn ’
t lose the least b it of it for the world. It is
my hea rt’
s b lood,drop by drop— oh
,there it is ! (P icks
page under cba ir . ) Oh,how I
’
ve worked on that book,
I’
ve burned for hours the m idn ight o ilw i th ach ing headand ceaseless to i l . There ! I d idn ’
t mean to make poetry .
RALPH . (Sa r castically ) You haven’
t made any .
SUSAN . ( Wit/i w itber ing glance. ) Who are you ,I’
d
l ike to know ?1 3 1
RE JECTED .
RALPH . I am Ralph Hyde Arlington ,poet
,author
of The Dead Canary,and Other Poems .
”
SUSAN . And I am SusanAnn B rown,nove l i st
,author
of“ Winds that Sough in the N ight .
”
RALPH . Ex cuse me,madam ,
but you have -
"
interrupted us. I was about to read my poems to M r . Powers:SUSAN . Excuse me. I was here fir st. (POW ERS inglee
w atcbes dispute, r ubs bands,
.tben qu ietly gets ba t and steals
out L. )RALPH . But you went ou t
‘ mada’
m . A pub l i shinghouse is l ike a barber shop .
SUSAN . (Snor ts . ) Ba rb er shop !RALPH . Yes
,w hen you l eave you lose your turn .
SUSAN . Humph ! I—don ’
t know anyth ing about bar
b er Sho,
ps and I guess from you r appearance. you hav en’
t
been in one late l y e i ther .RALPH . Madam
,the na tu ra l gall an try wh ich apper
talns to my sex arid ca l ling forb ids me to a rgue th i squest ion further w i th a lady . (Sees tba t, P . is gone, gives
know ing look . ) Sat i sfied ofmy oWn r igh ts in the matterI y i e ld to you ,
I go . (B ow s,ex it R . )
SUSAN . H e’ S not so bad a fter a ll. But what a d if
ference between poetry and i ts producers . All contrastin th i s wor ld ! Now M r . Powers— (r eads samepa r ag rapbas befor e, looks up, discover s P . is gone, _
scr eams)— allgone !
That fire must b e rea l , -for there i sn ’
t a sou l in s ight.(Gong aga in . ) Oh clear
,i f my novel Shou ld b e burn ed
i t wou ld be an i rrepa rab le loss to the world . The verythought makes me Shudder . (Runs out R . cry ing fire !
fire l”
)QUICK CURTA IN .
1 32
THE NEW WOMAN.
THENEW WOMAN .
CHARACTERS .
MISS P INK T . HYK IGHT,Pres. of C lub , who has never
found a man good enough for her . Motto of the Hyk ight
’
s“ Soar ing .
MISS ROSA LI GHT FOOT,Secretary . Young and pretty .
MISS DOLLI E GIGL-ET TE , who i s'
up to date .
MISS B IRD IE ROBB IN S,no longer a
“ ch i cken,
and"
in
tense l y ant i -man .
MISS DAI SY DOUGH FLYER, (Duffy
,from the French Du
F ay 7
MARY?the stewardess who is known as
“ Sm i lax .
OTHER _WOMEN,only talked about— Ernest ine Ar l ing
ton,who is engaged and Wi l l i e Jones (not a boy) ,
who is so very t im id that the on ly th ing she can do
is to e l'ope.
H or r id men .
J ACK B LAKE,a co l lector for the gas company who is
m isunderstood by Mi ss Hyk ight but much better understood by,
Rosa .
BERTIE HOWELL,
“at le i sure
,don
’
t you know and has
t ime to fawnsy Da isy .
MACK, the ice man who fanc ies Mary
Time ofplaying ,one bour .
STAGE D IRECT IONS .
R . means r ight of the stage C.,center ; R . C.
,
r ight center ; L.
,left ; I E.
,fi rst entrance ; U. E.
,
upper ent rance,etc . D . E.
,door in flat or back of the
stage . The actor is supposed to be fac ing the aud ience .
COPYRIGHT ,1 895 , BY T . s . DENISON .
1 34
THE NEW woMAN.
COSTUMES .
B IRD IE ROBBIN S,make-up
_
of pr im old ma id.
MISS P IN K T . HYKIGHT,sty l ish,modern accord ing to
taste.
DOLLIE GIGLETTE,mann i sh and easy swagger of a
po l i te swe l l .MARY
,neat work ing dress.
O THER LADIES,modern
,accord ing to taste.
BERT IE F irst Act. Swell dude,b loomers
,ve i l
,long ,
po inted shoes w i th g i l t cha ins from knee-buck lesto toes of shoes
,eye
-g lass , cane , and any other su i t
ab le extravagance . H e must not however look vul
gar. Second Act. B lue or b rown dr i l l ing pants and
work ing coat , s louch hat, wh iskers, p lumber’
s k it,
tongs, lead p i pe , hammer,etc .
BLAKE , fi rst appearance , pla in bus iness su i t ; second-appearance more natty Wi th buttonho le bouquet .
MACK,b lue or b rown woo l sh i rt
,overa l ls
,s louch hat .
PROPERT IES .
Vase of flowers,l etters for case
,w r i t ing mater ia l s,
book for c lub roll,hammer
,p incers
,so lder
,etc . ,
for
p lumber all w rapped in p i ece of carpet ; cane , eye-
g lass,co ins .
NOTE —~Th i s play may be made very amus ing i f theactors enter heart i ly into the sp i r i t of its ab surd i t i es.
Th i s is spec iall y true of Bert i e Howells and DollieGiglette , but ca re must
,be exerc ised to avo id any
th ing approach ing coarseness.
WOMAN.
Letters
Door
Pres.
Some of chairs to be removed after
1 36
THENEW WOMAN.
PRES . (Raps vigor ously . ) Order please,lad i es ! It
is a l ready past the hour for meet ing .
B IRDIE . (Sentimentally . ) Oh,I do take Such an ih
terest in th is c lub . I f th i s c lub fa ils,the n ew woman
(P r es. sba rply . ) Order . ” (B IRD IE drops in sea t. ) Oh !
PRES . (Raps very ba r d. ) The c lub wi ll come to
order ! Secretary,read
MEM BER . (Wbo bas not yet bea r d tbccalls to order . )Ashes of roses tr immed w i thPRES . The ob j ect of th i s club is to cult i vate se l f
reliant new women . Let us l ive upto our opportun it ies. Secretary
,call the ro l l
SEC . (Calls , nobody a nsw er s. ) Mi ss H yk ight , Mi ssLightfoot , M i ss Robb ins
,Mi ss G iglette , Miss
Smythe,M iss Tompk ins, M i ss Whi te , Mi ss Spooner ,
M i ss Su i tor, (besita tes) , Mi ss Doughflyer , Mi ss
M Iss DOUGH FLYER . ( j umps upbastily . ) Mi ss Pres iden t
,I w i sh to
"
correct the secretary . ( .Witb dignity . )M y name is not , Doughflyer though i t is spe l led thatway . We are Engli sh , you know
,of Norman extrac
t ion,and pronounce our name Du ffy . It com es from
the French Du F ay .
SEC . I beg you r pardon ,p leased to make the cor
rect ion .
PRES . (To see. ) By the way , M i ss Ligh tfoot , youappear to “
be a stranger to Mi ss Duffy . Al low me to
introduce you . Mi ss - Duffy,Mi ss Ligh tfoot ; Mi ss
Ligh tfoot, Mi ss Du ffy . ( Tbey bow . )SEC . (Continues ) Mi ss Hapgood , Mi ss Li t t le john
M isis B rownmuffin— (besita tes) Wi lli e Jones.
CHORUS . Good grac ious , i s she a boy ?
B IRDIE . (R i ses,sever ely . There seems to
_
be some m is
take about that name . One of the rules of th is club isthat no man shall ever en ter i ts sacred preci ncts oreven b e ment ioned except pro forma . I th ink it is an
i nsult to the club even to ment ion a man’
s name herein that fam i li ar way— Wi l lie Jones —much less to pu this name on the roll.PRES . I agree to that , Mi ss Robb ins . It is in atro
c iously bad taste i f intended for a joke .
1 38
THE NEW WOMAN.
SEC . I found the name on a slipof members proposed .
PRES . ( Witli dignity . ) Lad i es , who proposed Wi l l i eJones ? (N o answer . DOLLI E
,w bo bas been busily talking
to a member suddenly r ealiz es tbat some business is befor etbc club and asks.)DOLLIE . What is the quest ion ?PRES . The quest ion is
,who dared dese
crate our 1 0 1 1 w i th the name of a man . Wi lli e Jones,
who is he ?
DOLLIE . (j umps up. ) Goodness me,he
’
s not a he.
H e’
s a g i rl! (All laugb . ) Such a r id i culous m i stakeIt would so mort i fy poor Wi llie i f She were here . She ’
s
such a dear,t im id li ttle th ing ; why ,
she hardly daresb reathe .
DAISY . What .a funny name for a g i r l , anyway .
DOLLIE . Poor th ing ,she can
’
t he l p i t . Pa rents old
fash ioned you know ,and like men well enough to want
the i r names.
PRES . ’
The name is very good s in ce it is borne by a
woman . The new woman w i ll not on l y do as she p l eases,
bu t call herse l f what she pleases. She w i ll not awa i tthe p leasure of some man to bestow his prec ious name
on_
her . 1 never saw the man whose name I wanted .
B IRDIE . (Rises . Nor have I,thepresumptuous c reat
u res. When they fit themselves to be the compan ionsof the nob l er sex i t w i llb e t ime enough for them to ask
our fr i endsh i p,only
,and for us to refuse i f we choose .
PRES . And we also assume the r igh t to ask insteadof wa i t ing pat i en tly l ike slaves in a
'
market . The new
woman w i l l be no ‘
slave .
CHORUS . Neve r !PRES . I b elieve the nex t bus iness is to cons ider the
appli cat ions for new memb ers to the“New Woman
’
s
Ant i -homo Club .
”
( To sec. ) What appli cat ions are
there to come upto-day ? (M ember s beg in an epidemic ofwbisper ing . ) Order please
,lad ies ! (B r ief lull wb icb
ends in a gener al buz z . )SEC . (Reads ) The fi rst name is M i ss Ernest ine
Ar l ington .
1 39
THE NEW WOMAN.
PRES . Who proposed Mi ss ‘
Arlington ?
SEC . Mi ss B rownmuffi n,who is not presen t .
PRES . H as anyone anyth ing to say b efore the ballotis taken ?
DOLLIE . I don ’
t know that I ought to say any th ing .
(Gener al cur i osity . )DA ISY . Oh yes, do .
DOLLIE . . But people might b lame me for try ing to
in j ure the g i r l .PRES . Let people talk ,
the new woman does not carea fig for what people say .
_
DOLLIE . Mi ssAr l ington is a very sweet g i rl, butB I RDIE . (Rises . ) Mi ss Pres iden t !PRES . M i ss B i rd i e Robb ins.
B IRD IE . I r ise to correct the language of Mi ss G iglette . I ob j ect to the . word sweet . It sounds s i lly .
The new woman w i ll, I hope , not be a p iece of confec
t ionery , i nc i t ing men to cann iba l i sm .
DOLLIE . (Witb sligbt empbasis . ) We l l,I don ’
t care !Ernest ine is sweet but that ’
s not the worst,She ’
s en
gaged to be marr i ed . (Cbor us of Oh’
s.
DAISY. Who is he ? O h I d idn’
t mean tha t ? H as
he money ? IShe a fore lgner ?
PRES . A fore igner w i th money ! Bah ! A fore igneris only b etter than the nat i ve tyrant in th i s
,that he
makes no pretens ion to b e su ffer ing from that ant iquated
,imag inary ma lady love. H e boldly proclaims that
he g ives his name and reserves his freedom . H e is at
least h onest . Engaged ! S i l ly ; weak creature , that ’ senough to know of hef.
B I RDIE . I should say!
PRES. The const i tut ion of th i s club,as we all know
,
forb ids the marr i age of its members. We believe thatwe have a nob ler work to accomp l i sh in the world .
And I repeat , for the b enefit of new members,that no
member of th i s c lub may rece ive any k ind of attent ionfrom any man nor pay attent ions to any man ,
ex cept byconsent and adv i ce of th is c lub .
B I RDIE . (Rises. ) I think w e ou gh t to censure Mi ssBrownmuffin for recommend ing such a creature who is
THE NEW WOM AN .
om inous . It threatens the very foundat ions of soc i ety .
In my op in ion men are secretly encouraged in slIch
pract ices by that c lass of women whom we des ignate as
marry ing women . Our batt le is not ye t complete ly won.A large number of our -OWn sex oppose us
,and cling to
the old system wh ich made woman a Slave .”I therefore move that a comm i ttee be named to ca l l upon H er
Ex cellency,GovernorAngelina Perk ins , and Ch i ef Jus
t i ce Da i sy F l yer inv i t ing them to a jo in t d iscuss ion of
th i s Important quest ion ,in the rooms of th is c lub .
DOLLIE . I second that mot ion .
PRES . I see no ha rm in it and w i l l name as the com
m ittee ex -Judge B i rd i e Robb ins,
ex -M ayoi'
Doll i eG iglette , of whom ,
by the way, we a re a ll proud as
the youngest mayor ever e lected in th is c i ty,and M i ss
B roa uffln . I th ink the quest ion w i l l ‘
be ab l y deba ted,
S ince it is we l l known that Governor Angelina Perk insis inc l ined to a str i ct interpretat ion of the statutes
,
wh i le Ch i ef Just i ce Da i sy Flyer has libera l tendenc iesand her rulings g ive men all the
“
pr iv i leges wh i ch -theymay fa i rly ask so long as soc iety is const i tuted as at
present .
DOLLIE . For my part I th ink the quest ion not 1m
portant . S ince women .have almost un iversally adoptedpan ta loons and derby hats I am w ill ing that the men
w, ear b loomers and'
put feathers in the i r hats i f theychoose . M en are naturally va in and the s laves of
fash ion .
B IRDIE . We set a bad example in our dress here !PRES . Our dress h ere is on ly a surv iva l
,rega l ia in
fact,l ike that of the women
’
s Anc i ent Order ofM at
r imony .
DOLL IE . It is very ab surd and shou ld have beenabo l i shed long ago . .
SEC . I have the follow ing quest ion to'
propose :(Reads ) Shall men b e compe l led to remove the i r hatsin theatres ?DA ISY . The law says p la inly
,they Shall!
B I RD IE . The law ,indeed ! What ’s the use to talk
about the law when the people have been fools‘
enough
1 42
THE NEW WOM AN .
to e lect a gang mayor and a man at tha t . H e w inks a tmost outrageous in fract ions of the law ! What are w ecom ing to ?
DOLL IE . The remedy l ies in the ballot .
SEC . (Reads ) Shall a woman g i ve her seat in a
street car to a t i red man ?
PRES . That quest ion is absurd . I f the man is youngand sty l i sh ly dressed he gets the seat and i f he i sn ’
t
he stands,that ’
s a ll. Is there any further bus iness ?SEC . None !PRES . The c lub stands adjourned t i l l the nex t reg
u lar meet ing. (All r ise and w it/i a buz z disper se going R .
ex ceptpr es . a nd sec. )ROSA . Hyk ight , I am worr i ed about the finances of
the c lub .
P IN K T . Lightfoot , that is Doughflyer’
s bus iness !ROSA . Doughflyer is so reckless !P IN K T . H ow much do w e owe ?
ROSA . Near l y five thousand do l lars.
P INK T . That is noth ing for a wealthy c l ub li keours . Why, in the old t imes wh en m en carr i ed the
pocket-book and managed c lubs they were a lways headove r h ee ls in deb t .
ROSA . (Surpr ised ) Why , M i ss P ink T. Hyk ight!
Do you adduce the m en’
s club s as ex amp les for our
gu idance ?P IN K T . Certa in l y not . The i r club s are cheap now
adays b ecause w e a l low them so li ttle pocket money .
And they a re so weak in the matter of dr inks.
ROSA . But we can ’
t pay b i lls even in 1 950 w i thoutmoney .
PRES . I t i re of hea r ing about money . Money hasnever been the ch i e f ob j ect in any cond i t ion of soc iety .
ROSA . We’ l l not agree there . Our grandfathers and
fath ers made a god ofmoney,a sw in i sh
,b ruta l fet i ch .
But we must do someth ing ; our _
w ine b i ll is enormous.
P IN K T . That comes of g iv ing a banquet a t the
Paragon Hotel and inv i t i ng a th i rsty horde ofmen .
ROSA . But the b i ll must b e pa id,and the c igar man
is clamor ing for his money .
1 43
THE NEW WOM AN.
PINK T . Pay him !
ROSA . Pay him ! Why,the b i ll is over three hun
dred do l lars. We do smoke so much and the membersare hang ing the c lub up.
P IN K T . That is contrary to ru les. Doughflyerh
is
respons ib le for that. She is too ~ easy . By the “
way ,have you a c igar about youROSA .
.No,I came down in the car w i th Judge Flyer
and she took the last one I had .
‘
I’
ll r i ng for Mary tob r ing in c igars.
EN TER MARY,R .
P IN K T . _ Oh, here She is now .
‘MARY . M i ss Hyk ight , there is a man at the doorwho w i shes to see the pres ident .
P IN K T . A man ! No man can come in here e xceptin ex treme necess i ty or in a men i a l capac i ty . Te l l himto gO .
MARY . I have to ld him that . H e ins i sts , says hemust see the pres iden t and w i l l not be put off longer .( Going L. )P INK T . Wi ll not be put off! Such inso lence ! Ca l l
a poli ceman . Goodness ! I hea r him comi ng in here !H e
’
s bound to speak to me . There ’
s no escape . I’
m
sub j ect to impeachment i f th i s gets out .
ROSA . I shan '
t take any chances . (Runs out L.,P .
T . follow ing . )EN TER J ACK BLAKE
,R .
BLAKE . (B owing politely . ) Can I see the pres identof the club ?
P IN K T . (At L.
, witb dignity. ) I am the pres ident .
You are i ntrud i ng ,Sir .
BLAKE . (B ow ing very low . ) I beg your pardon but Imust see somebody .
P IN K T . (Aside ) So po l i te ! You r bus iness , s ir ?BLAKE . I am collector for the Un iversa l Grab -all
Gas Co . The b i l l, you know .
P IN K T . I do not know . See M i ss Da i sy Doughflye r, our financ ia l secreta ry .
BLAKE . Duffy ! The name g iven me was D ougbflyer /1 44
THE NEW WOM AN .
BLAKE . (Sta r ting ) No !
ROSA . Afact ! Can I re l y on your d iscret ion ?BLA KE . (B ow ing b is best. ) -You can . I wou ld g lad ly
be the slave of such . a charm ing c reature ;ROSA. (P r etending oyfense. ) No nonsense, p lease ! The
new ) woman d i s l ikes the word S lave . On you r honor,do
you prom i se S i lence ?BLAKE . (B ow ing )
‘ I do !
ROSA . F or your own sake,too !
BLAK E . I must preserve my reputat ion . I shall bes i lent as the grave .
ROSA . (Aside ) Such love l y manners ! Now go , p leas’
e.
EN TER MARY L.,sbe sta r ts and cougbs.
ROSA . ( To B LAKE . ) Oh,p lease go at once ! (Ex it
B LAKE,bastily ,
R . ) .Mary, you know our rules !
Th is is an acc i dent . H e came to see about the gas.
(Sbe g ives M a ry a coin . ) Can I re l y on you ?
MARY. Forever , Miss Lightfoot .
ROSA . Thank you ! (Ex i .t R )MARY . We l l
,if there a int tro
'
ub le brew in ’ here , myname i sn ’
t Ma ry Sm i l .ax F i rst the president mak ingeyes at him
,and b rib in
’
me,and then the secretary
‘
And he’
s j ust love l y,too. (H ea r s noise. ) Oh, there
’
s
the i ceman 'EN TER MACK
,tbc iceman
,L.
MACK . Is there nobody a round th is b lessed. Shop ?I
’
ve been hammer ing at the S ide door for an hour .MARY . Nonsense
,Mack ! I haven ’
t been out ofmyoffice for five m inutes.
MACK . Don’
t care,Sm i lax . I can ’
t be deta inedth is way. I ’ l l just leave your ice on the S idewalk herea fterMARY . Do it i f you dare, and we
’ l l j ust try the Sus i eM i ller Ice Company .
MACK . The Sus ie Mi l ler Co . be b lowed ! (Coaxingly . ) Now Sm i lax
, you wou ldn ’
t be that hard on“
a felle r an’ lose him a good customer l ike th i s c lub ?
The company looks to its dr ivers to ho ld customers.
MARY. And it ’s a poor dependence.
1 46
THE NEW WOM AN .
MACK . Mary,don
’
t be hard on a fe l ler .MARY . M r. Mack
,your language is shock ing l y coarse
at t imes. F eller is s lang.
MACK . We l l,Mary
MARY . There you go aga in ! Don’
t call me Mary .
’
Call me Sm i lax,or Mi ss Sm i lax .
MACK . You used to b e j ust Ma ry Sm i th .
MARY . Used to be,i sn ’
t now . Sm i th is too p la in ‘
and common for me . When I entered the emp loyment
of th is club I became a new woman,and I j ust took a
new name . I was t i red of Sm i th . When I app l i ed toJust i ce Da i sy Flyer to get a perm i t to change my name
,
She sa id flowers were hav ing a g reat run for names,and
I chose Sm i lax .
MACK . Mary, you are prett i er to me than any flower .
MARY. (Smiles ) That is a very pretty comp l iment,
but you forget that it is on ly proper for our sex to paysuch comp l iments as that . The new woman
MACK . Bother the new woman . S ince you have become a new woman
,Mary
, you dr ive me to_
d istract ion .
MARY . M r . Mack, you are reall y provok ing . So weak
and sent imentah Do have,
a li tt le regard for propr iety ,
and the modesty natura l to your sex .
MACK .
‘ I never can please you now . The old woman
was hard enough to please,but the new one— heaven
he l p us .
MARY . M r. Mack,can ’
t I teach you that it is not
your p lace to comp l iment me,but my p lace to comp l i
m'
ent you ? You a re rather forward.
MACK . Oh,it has come to tbat
,has it ? (Going ,
ang ry ,
L. )MARY . (Aside ) He
’
s so fasc inat i ng when he is vexeda l i tt le. (F ollows ) H e
’
s i rres ist ib le. John !MACK . ( Tu r ning ) She ca l led me John . (To MARY ,
stz’
fiiy . ) j obn .
’ I th ink you are presum ing ,M iss.
MARY . I beg your pardon . M ay I not ca l l you John ?MACK . (D rops eyes coouettisbly . ) You are so pers i stent .
MARY . Then I may call you John ?MACK . It
’
s so sudden ! G i ve me t ime . I th ink I sha l lnever marry .
1 47
THE NEW WOM AN .
MARY . Very we l l,if ~ that is your dec i s ion
,I -I
MAC’
K . (Alarmed ) Oh, I d idn ’
t mean that .
MARY . M ay I sea l that sweet con fess ion w i th a k i ss?(Advances tow ar d MACK . )
EN TER BERTIE R . 1,JOHN da r ts out L.
BERT IE . (Cougbs. ) Aw ! I sa iey there ,now !
MARY . ( Tu r ns ang r ily Who areyou ,sir ? Do you
know where you are ?
BERTIE. (Adj usti ng eye-glass and sta r ing ) Yaas ! (Re
ga rding ber . ) Wathahpwetty , don’
t you know ; but lacksst
'yle .
MARY . (Ang r ily ) Do you know where you are ?
BERT IE . Yaas .
MARY . Oh, you do ! We l l let me say that the New
Woman’
s‘
Club is forb idden to men . Spec 1 al charter ,you See . Pena l t i es a ttached ! Why
, you c ould be'
com
m itted for felony .
BERT IE . (Sta r ting ) You don’
t sa ley !MARY . Yes
,I do say . N ow w i ll you go a t once
,b e
fore I call a poli ceman ?
BERT I E . I cawn ’
t, weally , t i l l I
’
ve found out some
th ing I’
m dy ing to know .
MARY . We l l,d id you ever ! Wont go ,
eh ! I sha l lhave to throw you out . (B usiness ofpus/i ing upsleeves
BERT IE . (Sta r ting ) I dec lare , she’
s go ing to-
wesoht
to v iolence. I sa iey . now ! (MARY takes BERT IE bysboi ilder s and is r usbing b im towa rd door . H e drops cane
,
eye-
glass , etc. M akes a feeble ef or t to r esist. )MARY . I ’ l l show you how to go , you insolent cub !BER I‘IE (M anages to tur n r ound. ) Oh
,I sa iey now .
Don’
t be hasty, you know I I (gets coi n from pocket
and slips i t i n ber band. I only wanted to ask a quest ion ,
then I ’ l l go.
MARY . (Looks a t com and cbanges tone instantly . ) Whyd idn ’
t you say so a t fi rst . We may be detected . Whoare you
BERTIE . Bert ie Howe l l,there ’
s my cahd !
MARY . Ve ry well,M r. Howell. Your b us iness ?
BERTIE . You were so thw ea ten ing, don’
t you know .
1 48
THE NEW WOMAN .
MARY . C lothes ?BERTIE . Ve lvet su i t
,cutaway coat
,s i lk t ile
,s i l veh
knee cha ins that hook into the w ing of the Shoe tqes bya deuce of a clevah
‘
little hand,don
’
t you know .
MARY . Why,that must be the Hon . Do l l i e G iglette .
BERTIE . D ollie,did you say ? Oh
,how fohgetful I
am,I d id hea r them ca l l her
EN TER DOLLIE,R .
MARY . (Witb w a r ning gestur e. ) Hush ! There Shecomes. (Runs out
,L. )
BERTIE . She comes ! Wu ined ! (D rops bis veil in
TAB-LEAU .
DOLLIE,la ngb ing ,
dow n R . C. BERTIE,w itb aver ted
face, L. C.
QUICK CURTA IN .
ACT I I .SCEN E— Club bouse as
“
befor e. Time: M orning ,afew
days la ter tban Act I . P r es. Hykigbt discovered lookinga t letter case.
PIN K T . Why,here is a letter. That ’
s strange ; myma i l comes to my bus iness office . (Opens . letter
,r eads. )
Why,from that M r. B lake of the Gas Company . Dear
me ! I wrote '
him -
that he rea l ly must not come hereany more and _he has the
‘
audac i ty to answer,Say ing
that he 1 5 ob l iged to come . The ru les of the companyare inexorab le
,etc . Nonsense ! It i sn ’
t the rules of
the company that compe l him.f It is someth ing else .
I guess I’
m the a ttract ion, ,
in short. (Sigbs . ) . I’
m gett ingt i red of all th i s str i fe fight ing the battles of reform .
The new woman is a pretty lonesome creature . But Im ight have been b rough t upa marry ing woman . Andi f I had ! Poor he lpless creatures ! ( Sigbs ) Well some
t'
imeS.I th ink t hat I’
d rather pres ide in a n i ce home thanin th is club . M r . Blake is handsome— such eyes andsuch a mustache ! .and such manners ! How k ind of the
Gas Company to educate the i r men in et iquette . That1 50
THE NEW WOMAN.
is b ecause a woman is pres ident of the company . Why,
I’
ve read that in the old t ime the inso lence of gas em
ployés a lmost equaled that of emp loyés in the c i ty ha l lnowadays. But he is poor and I can not stoop ! The
motto of the Hyk ights is“Upward
,
”and I
,P ink T .
Hyk ight , a descendant of Pres ident Hyk ight, sha l l notbe the fi rst to step out of the fam i l y rank . The B lakesare of V ery good fam i ly , but M r . B lake has on l y hissa l ary
EN TER MARY,L.
MARY . Oh,are you here , Mi ss Hyk ight ?
P IN K T . Yes , I am early,called for my ma i l.
MARY . How absu rd it was for that carr i er to getstuck in the chute .
P IN K T . Yes, it m igh t have been ser ious. Sm i lax,
I want the s i lver coun ted to-day .
MARY . I’
ll attend to it,MISS Hyk ight . (Ex it ,
MARY,L. )
P IN K T . (Looking a t letter . ) No,I th ink Ch i e f of
Po l i ce,B rennan de Cork is more to my not ion . The de
Cork ’
s have been i llustr ious for centur i es. They werek ings of I re land and they say he has made his p i le inpo l i t i cs
,too . I l l propose to de Cork yet. I believe
he expects it,too . I
’
m s ick ofpub l i c l i fe . Poor B lake !I
’
ll j ust w r i te him to call about the meter aga in and
find some way to let him know that his hopes are va i n .
Poor th i ng ! H e is so in fatuated w i th me . It’
s dangerous but I
’
ll r i sk it . (R ings ) I ’ l l wr i te de Cork ask i nghim to theatre th i s very n igh t .
’
(Wr ites bastily ) No
stamp ! I’
ll ma i l it outs ide . (Attempts toput note in
pocket; dr ops it on floor . R ing s. ) Where are all“
the
servants ?EN TER MARY
,L.
P IN K T . Sm i lax,where is Belinda and Alfaretta
Pansy ?MARY . I sent Be l inda for c iga rs. Alfaretta is s i ck
to-day .
P IN K T . Wha t hour do you open the c lub house ?MARY . At e igh t o
’
c lock,Mi ss Hyk ight , accord ing
to regu lat ion .
THE NEW WOMAN
P IN K T . Is your he l p all here at that hour ?MARY . Prompt l y
,M i ss.
P INK T . When do members appear ?MARY. Se ldom before noon
,and most of them after
four.
-You a
‘
see the troub le -of dress ing‘
in‘
this old rega l iakeeps them away . We ought to aboli sh such an anci entrule and adm i t the modern dress.
P IN K T . That is a club matter.
MARY . ( Vex ed. ) -Oh,It
’
s not for me to say . I justsuggested . M i ss Pres ident
,the Sw iss cheese for the bar
1 5 hardly upto the last lot , I th ink . Wi l l you come and
taste it (Ex eunt L. )EN TER ROSA LIGH TFOOT
,R . I .
ROSA . (H as not seen tbem, goes to letter case. ) A let
ter for me ! -AStrange hand ! (Reads ) Why , i t’
s from
that M r . B lake . Thanks me for my k indness ! Dearfellow . Hopes I may not th ink him bold . (Laugbs . )Such audac i ty ! H e is
_
bold,but I l i ke him for it . And
wants to meet me here . Ohgoodness ! That w i l l neverdo . (Looks a t note. ) Tuesday at n ine . Hopes I ’ l l bea lone . Why
,he may come any m inute . H ow i nd iscreet
of him . H e must love me desperately . (Rings ) Whatever shall I do .
EN TER’
MARY,L.
"
ROSA . Mary,I expect a person here on bus iness
important bus iness. Is the comm i ttee room unoccup iedat th i s hour ?MARY . Yes
,Mi ss
,that is
,un less B i rd i e Robb ins
should come in . She goes round at all hou rs.
ROSA .
“
(Soliloquy . ) Why did’
t She go i nto li terature ?She has no
'
tact for po l i t ics.
MARY . No,Mi ss Lightfoot , she hasn
’
t a spoon fu l oftact .
ROSA . Ah Mary, you needn
’
t not ice every th ing . I fShe or anyone else drops In j ust say the comm i ttee roomis in use
,w i ll you ?
MARY . Yes,Mi ss . (Ex it L. )
ROSA . How my heart flutters . I’
ve read that in the
old t imes women’
s hearts w ere always flutter ing . That1 52
THE NEW WOMAN .
ing to that author , who sto l e m i l lions. NOWwomen w i l lstoop to pur lo in a few c igars . (P etulantly . I
’
m ashamedof them . (Sees note onfloor . What Is th i s ? (P i cks i t up. )Why th is I S d i rected to Hon . Ch i ef of Poli ce , B rennande Cork .
”It I S Unsea led too . Offic ia l b us iness
,doub t
less,I ’ l l see. (Opens and r eads . ) Mercy ! Cari th i s be
true ?* Imposs i b le ! I ’ llput it back . No
,it is a matter
too important to b e concea led .
‘H o .n B ren
nan de Cork . Miss P ink T . Hyk ight presents her comp l iments to M r. de Cork and des i res the pleasure of his
company to the Els ie theat re to hear Padd iw insk i nex tSaturday even i ng . F i nd the usua l gratu i ty for floWersenc losed . Such in iqu i ty ! I always suspected the s in
cerity of‘
that woman . H er cr ime sha l lb e pun i shed Asv i ce-pres ident
,I sha l l ca l l a d i rectors ’
meet i ng at once.
(Ex it"
R . I . )ROSA . (Coming down . ) Here
’
s a pretty go ! There’ l l
be a scanda l sure,for i f there is a S incere memb er in
the c lub,it is Mi ssRobb ins. Who wou ld have thought
that Mi ss Hyk ight was so sly ? Well , de Cork i s a
great catch . Dear me,i f I am d iscovered . M r. B lake 1 5
so ind iscreet . I Sha l l ta lk to him ser ious l y .
f (Stepsbea rd. ) Goodness
,some one com ing. (D ar ts back
’
bebind scr een . )EN TER B LAKE
,R . 1
BLAKE . I do hope she ’
ll meet me . Not here ! How
cruel! She th inks me too forwa rd,but I can not concea l
my love. (ROSA beb i nd scr een leans forw ard eagerly tolisten . )
EN TER P IN K T .
, guz’
gtly, R . 1 .
B LAKE . Yes,I
’
ve b een too forwa rd . She desp i sesme . (P . T . adva nces on tiptoe
,also ROSA comesfur tber
down,pleased . ) Oh, for one word
,one glance of those
b eaut i ful eyes.
P IN K T. (Aside ) Poor th i ng !ROSA . (Asi de ) How de l ight fu l .
BLAKE . I have hoped In va i n . (Tur nsR .)P IN K T . No
,not so . Hope is
ROSA . (Comi ng out,scr eams) Undone ! Mi ss Hy
k igh t ! (All sta r e i n surpr i sefor cufew moments.
1 54
THE NEW WOM AN .
PINK T . M i ss Lightfoot , expla in your conduct,i f
you please .
ROSA . Not to you , Mi ss H yk ight .
P IN K T . Then to the club .
ROSA . The c lub can have my resignat i on i f that iswhat you mean .
P IN K T . Your conduct has b een scandalous. Youhave lured th i s confid ing young man here utterlyregard less of his reputat ion or the c lub ’
s .
Rosa . P lague take the c lub ! I love th i s man . M r.
B lake,b e m ine:
P IN K T . (Loftily . ) Oh,indeed ! I f it comes to that
I th i nk I am one too many . (Sa ils out R .
BLAKE . (M odestly . ) I have b een very ind i screet .
Forg i ve me , dear .ROSA . Darling ,
say no more,but you r ea l l y must go
at once . (N oise outside. ) Too late. G et b eh ind the
Screen there . (H e r uns beb ind scr een R .,ROSA L. )
EN TER DOLLIE R .
DOLL IE .
“
( Witb'
easy swagger . ) Here ’
s a go ! Thats i l l y l i tt le Bert i e Howells thinks b ecause I ca l led on
him three or four t imes and took him to a concert oncethat I ’
m go ing to marry him . Humph ! he ’
s dec ided l yfresh . B ut th i s is the poor boy ’
s fi rst season in soc iety,
and then (w itb j aunty a ir ) I suppose I am to blame .
So far forgot h imse l f as to w r i te me a note . Well,I
must say , be ing an on l y ch i ld,his mamma
’
s m i ll ionsare very tempt i ng . But then his papa is insupportab l e
,
no pop-in-law for me j ust yet . (Looks a t letter box,
finger ing letter s)“G rant l y
,
“Gorman
,
” “G inseng ,
”
“G unther ;
”no G iglette . Well
,the n inny hasn ’
t
sent any more notes,thank fortune . I
’
m pestered todeath w i th b i llet doux and des ign ing papas. (GoingL. sees ROSA beb ind screen . ) Why , Ligh tfoot , old chap
,
what on earth are you stand ing in there for ?ROSA . (Stammer s . ) Why
, you see Giglette—you
know I was j ust li sten ing i f that induct ion was st i llin the heat ing co i l . We cou ld hear the eng ine throbp la in l y .
ISS
THE NEW WOMAN .
DOLL IE . The plumber fixed that last week . Come
and have someth ing .
ROSA . Excuse me please, you know I never dr ink .
DOLLIE .,Teetotaler ‘
! I forgot ; well take a c igar . .
ROSA . (Cougbs significantly . ) Don’
t‘care i f I do .
DOLLIE. Lightfoot , you have a bad cough. (Ex euntL.)BLAKE . (Comes out. )
1 Now ’
s my chance to sk i p .
(Runs aga inst
BERTIEEN TERIN G R di sgui sed asplumber .
BERTIE . I_
Sa Iey there, now"
! ( Toolsfall w itb r acket. )BLAKE . Where are you go ing , you lubber ?BERTIE . Confwoun d you , it
’
s your fau l t .
BLAKE . No lip, young fellow . You ’ re too fresh !BERT IE. Lip! Fellah ! You aw vewy.
fwesh ! -Youaw Insult ing ,
don’
t you know .
BLAKE . Hello ! Who a re you ,anyway
'
? Look in ’
for
a scrapare you ? You look l ike a plumber and talkl ike an avenue dude .
BERTIE . I caWn ’
t ta lk to you , you know. Becauseyou ’ re no gent leman
,see ?
BLAKE . Why , you l i tt le shr imp , who the deuce are
you to talk abou t gent lemen ? You ’
re not aplumber ,nor a gentleman ,
e i ther . You ’ re upto some game . I’
ll
j ust unmask you (P ulls o/fBERTIE’
s sloucb bat,BERT IE
scr eams,BLAKEpulls off bis false wbisker s . BERTIEbits
bim but BLAKE doesn '
t mind it. )BERTIE . (Gasping . You— you fellahBLAKE . Don
’
t try that game or“
I’
llpulver 1 z e you .
BERTIE . (Squa r i ng . DOn’
t you twy that . I— WeallyI may hurt somebody .
BLAKE . Young man,what are you do ing In th is club
,
sneak ing in here in d i sgui se ? (Ster nly . ) G i ve an ao
countg
of you rself.BERTIE . (Sbr inking back. ) Weally , don
’
t be wash,
you know . I came heah to meet the pear l of her sex.
EN TER DOLLIE,L.
,overbear s
,stops.
DOLLIE .
"
(H and to moutb . ) M e !
1 56
THE NEW WOM AN .
B IRDIE . And they w i l l not go ,eh ? I’llrIng upthe
po l i ce . (Star ts tow ardpolice call in ofi ce,L. )
DOLLI E . (Seiz ing ber a rm . ) No,not that !
BERTIE . Poli ce ! Oh me weputat ion ! Wheh’
s me
eye-
glaws ?
DOLLI E . (Waving band tow a rd door !) Now c lear out,both of you ,
qu i ck,or you ’
ll get the G . B .
BERTI E . Dweadful. (To BLAKE . ) Aw , you mad weckless fe l lah
,wa ising th i s wow ! We
’ l l be wu ined . (P ul
ling BLAKE bastily out R .
,B IRDIE glar ing a t tbem . DOLLI E
C. ,langbing . )DOLLIE . We l l
,that ’
s too r i ch . (BIRD IEgla res at ber .)QUICK CURTAIN.
ACT I I I .SCEN E : Club rooms as befor e. Time
,nex t day after Act I].
MARY . (D iscovered as cur tai n r i ses. ) Alfaretta is veryneg l igent ofher work l ately . There ’
s -the floWers for thepres ident put away in the corner instead of on the desk
,
as they Should be . (P utsflow er s on tbc desk . ) Thepost .
man is . la te tod ay . Poor . fellow ! I wonder i f he is
stuck in the tube aga in . I wou ldn ’
t be_ Shot through
that tube for anyth ing . Just th ink of be ing chuckedinto that p i pe and fi red a m i l e between b reaths. The
man a lways- look s us i f he we re out of b reath ..They
say all the carr i ers have to be hypnot i z ed before theygo into the tube . I thi nk it
’
s. cruel (D ur ing tb is speecbsbe is looking at old letter s in box es . ) There are letters herefor amember that ’s been dead five years . Why d idn ’
t
that party gi ve not i ce ofher dem i se . (N oise outside,L. )
There ’
s Mack b r ing ing the ice . Dear fellow! My‘
heart is all in a flutter . I’
ll j ust wa i t to see i f he comes
in here to speak to me . I know he w i ll. H e’
s b lue all
day i f he d oesn’
t see me. Oh, i f that terr ible B i rd ieRobb ins shou ld d i scover us.
_
I a int a b it . afra id of the
pres ident . I f she ever says boo,I ’ l l j ust ask her how
the Hon .
“ B rennan de Cork is . Oh,there he comes.
EN TER MACK,L.
THE NEW WOMAN .
MARY . Good morn ing, Max ie ! You are IrresIst ib le
th i s morn ing .
MACK . H i st,Sm i ley , we may be overheard .
MARY . There ’
s no one here.
MACK . Are .you sure ? I f the c lub found Out, you
wou ld lose your p lace and I shou ld b e comprom i sed.
They are So aga inst love-mak ing.
MARY . Yes , somet imes.
MACK . What do you mean,Sm i ley ?
‘
lVIARY. Better call me p la in Sm i lax . You are hereon bus iness , you know.
MACK . All r ight , dear ie, but what did you mean bythat sometimes
'
MARY . Oh,noth ing. I know a th ing or two .
MACK . I th ink my dr iver suspects me.
—MARY . Yes, she’
s‘
a j ea lousy old th ing.
M acK . Do you th ink that’
s it ?
MARY . Sure ! Get the company to put on a man .
MACK . Oh,I c ou ldn ’
t th ink of try ing that . Theym ight suspect, and i f they found out I
’
d be d ischargedinstant l y: It
’
s posted in the ru les and in d i sp lay at
that : “Allma le employés are abso lute l y forb idden to
rece i ve attent ions from women,on pa in of instant dis
m issa l . The man has to take allthe b lame you know .
MARY . protect you , have no fear .MACK . Mayn ’
t I name the day ?
MARY . No,not yet . You see
,I
’
ve a good soft jobhere and I shan ’
t g i ve it upt i l l the last m inute . I’
m
sav in ’
money . Now, you
’
d better go, Max ie . Some onemigbt come
, you know . (N oise outside,R . ) There , be
qu i ck . (Sna tcbes kiss. K iss may be blow n if advisable. )Ta
,ta !
MACK . (Going L. ) Au revo i r !MARY . Just in t ime . Some one is com ing.
EN TER HYK IGHT,R .
, followed by members to attend
D ir ectors’
meeting . B uz z of conver sa tion . MISS HYK IG HTtakes eka i r
,calls meeting to order . M ember s seated. B uz z
of conver sationf
PRES . The meet ing w i l l come to order ! (N obody
THE NEW WOM AN .
pays any a ttention . ) Order , lad i es ! (Sba rply . ) Order ,‘ i f
you please . (Sudden silence. ) A Spec i al meet ing hasbeen called to transact very important bus iness. The
ca l l spec ifies an emergency and was made at the in
stance of Vice-pres ident Robb ins. Secretary“
,are the
d i rectors a ll presen t ?SEC . (R eads roll. ) Hykight , Robb ins
,Light ot
,
Doughflyer , Wi l l i e Jones— not present . Is hIiSS’
JOYlCSin the c i ty
,does any one know ?
DA ISY . w itb solemn demeanor . ) Mi ss Pres identI have an unpleasant duty to perform . (All in a ttitude
of expectancy.) I regret to say that M i ss Wi l li e Jonesis no longer worthy to b e a member of th i s c lub .
CHORUS . Oh! What has she done ? DDA ISY. The story of her treachery is soon to ld . She
has eloped !CHORUS . Good grac ious !DOLLIE . And so t im id !B I RD IE . (Sever ely ) T im id
,i ndeed ! Allput on ! I
knew all the t ime that She ’
d do someth ing . She ’
s as
sly as a w ease l . I th ink no mot ion is necessary to str ikeher name from the ro l l.PRES . (Gr avely ) N0 ,
! that is not necessary . Secretary , str i ke Mi ss Jones ’
name from the roll. I f thereis no ob j ect ion I w i l l appo int M i ss Dollie G iglette
d i rector in her p lace . Now,Mi ss Robb ins
, you maystate the ob j ec t of the meet ing .
B IRDIE . Oh,I
’
m so. overcome ,I must have a mo
ment’
s t ime . (Uses smelling bottle. ) That horr id,Sly ,
dece i tfu l Jones g i r l has complete l y upset my nerves.
DOLLIE . Miss Pres ident,I th ink I can state the
obj ect of th i s meet ing ,i f“ D i rector Robb ins w i l l allow
me . It’
s all about two men who get in here acc identa l ly . I
'
th ink there ’
s a good deal of pother about
noth ing. I adv i sed Robb ins to let the whole th ing drop .
B I RD IE . When such th ings are over looked or w inkedat
,the days of the Ant i -homo C lub are numbered
,its
purpose who l ly defeated . D i ssolut ion is at hand.
D OLLIE. We l l,i f a l i tt l e th ing like that I S goIng to
k i l l it,I say
1 60
THE NEW WOM AN .
B IRDIE .
'
How care l ess ! Now t e l l me‘
pla inly ,‘
have
you seen anyth ing here that d idn’
t look r ight ?MARY . (Confused ) Why , I—_
that I SDOLLIE . Robb ins
,had you not better l eave all th is
to the i nvest igat ing Comm i ttee ?B IRD IE . Let the pres ident name it th en .
PRES . I name the pres iden t,the secretary and M iss
Doll ie G iglet te .
B IRDIE . I’
ll have no wh i tewashing .
PRES . (Ster nly . ) IS th i s a reflect ion on the cha i rand the comm i ttee ?
[ B IRDIE I make no charges . I only demand myr igh ts . As the one
“
mak ing themot ion,custom demands
that I b e named on the comm i ttee . Add Doughflyer .
Doughflyer has the b est interests of the c lub at heart .
DA ISY . I shall try to act in th is grave matter aswou ld b ecome my i l lustr ious ancestors the Du Fay'
s
who came-over w i th the Normans.
DOLLIE . Oh,
.I’
m -a Norman,too
‘
.
PRES . We are mak ing much of a tr i v i a l matterB I RDIE . You '
w i l l find it not So tr iv ia l before wegetto the bottom . Smi lax ,
te l l me p la in l y,d id -
you see
a p lumber in the c l ub rooms yesterday ?MARY I ? Goodness
, _
no !
B IRD IE . D id you see a dude ?
MARY . ( Tb rows upbands.)”
Laws a me , no !B IRDIE . Well, I did, and so d id Giglette . W i th
him was another person,a fine-look ing person I regret
to say , Who ev ident ly had no bus iness here ;DAI SY . A dude ! Shock ing ! A p lumber is bad
enough but a dude Let the invest igat ion pro ceed.
SEC. (Sta r ting uneasily . ) M iss Pres ident , I dec l ineto serve on that
'
comm i ttee . In fact,I have an im
portan t comm ii n icat ion to“
make and deem th is an
opportune t ime . I hereby res ign my office and mymemb ersh i p in the c lub . (
“Oh
’
sS” as before. )PRES . (Solemnly ) Th i s invest igat ion apparent l y I S
about to assume a persona l tone,which I deprecate and
can not countenance . I also res ign ra ther than be a
party to such an InquISIt Ion . (Rises, vacates cba i r , comes'
1 62
THE NEW WOMAN .
down C. Sensation “D id you ever,
etc. ) And Idon
’
t m ind say ing further , s ince certa in persons are so
inqu is i t ive,that Ch ief of Po l i ce
,B rennan de Cork has
consented to change his name soon to Hyk ight . (Sensation as befor e. )DOLLIE . Congratu lat ions, old chap !SEC . (R ises and comes outfr om desk . ) And M r . B lake
of the gas company has at last consented to become
M r . B lake-Ligh t foot . I’
ve saved enough for two .
DOLLIE . Shake,old chap ! (Gr oans
,otbers buz z . )
MARY .,
And,i f you p lease , lad i es, I g ive not i ce .
Nex t month I lead M r. Mack to the a l tar . (Ex citement )B I RD IE . And you too
,Sm i lax ! S i nce you were a
t iny wa i f , th is club has been your mother and has
watched over you . We taught you'
to be a new woman,
and th i s is our reward .
MARY . Oh,p lease
,M iss Robb ins
,I respect you
great l y , and I do love the c lub dear ly (sigbs) , but I lovedear Mack more . I just cou ldn ’
t help it . (Cr ies w itb
face in apron . )B I RD IE . There ’
s noth ing to do but c lose the doors.
The c lub is dead. (Wipes eyes . )DOLLIE . (Crosses R . C.
,takes B IRD IE ’ S band. ) Cheer
up,Robb ins , cheer up. You are not a marry ing woman .
I va lue freedom too much to surrender it. And there ’
s
Doughflyer , She’ l l st ick by us. She has pr inc i p les
and a name. We’ l l go on as before .
B IRDIE . The m i sch ief is done .
DOLLIE . We’ l l reorgan i z e i f necessary . (Sbe leads
B IRD IE down C dr ess stage. )B I RD IE . (Sadly ) No
,we never can surv i ve th i s d is
aster . The old woman w i l l laugh at the new,and
r id i cu le k i l ls. The c lub is dead. The finger of progressgoes back on the d ia l of t ime at l east a century . Good
bye dear , old c lub , the scene ofmy bus iest , happ iest ,hours. Good-bye forever .
R . P IN K T .
,ROSA
,B IRD IE
,DOLLIE
,DA I SY
,MARY . L.
CURTA IN .
1 63
ONLYCOLD TEA.
ONLY COLD TEA .
CHARACTERS .
MR . BOB SLIGHTLY,fond of a drop .
D ICK PLYER,fr i end of Bob
’
s,
“takes the same.
DR . GAGG,who knows what a i ls a person .
M RS. SLIGHTLY,who dr inks tea .
ALICE,her s ister
,adm i red by Bob .
MRS . NEVERDUN,who does not know when to go.
Time of P lay ing ,tw enty minutes.
PROPERTIES .
Bott les w i th labe ls and co ld tea,hand-satche l for
doctor,books
,bott l e of sme l ling salts
,cane for D i ck .
STAGE D IRECTIONS .
R . means r ight of the Stage ; C.,center ; R . C.
,
r ight center ; L.
,left ; 1 E.
,fi rst entrance ; U . E
,
upper entrance,etc .
,D . E.
,door in flat or back of the
stage . The actor is supposed to be fac ing the aud i ence .
COPYRIGHT,1 895 , BY T. s. DENISON .
ON LY COLD TEA .
SCEN E—Sligbtly ’
s P a rlor . D oor s R igbt and Left. M aybave door at only one side, and one back
,or only one door
,
if no better can be done. Sofa , table , cbairs, etc.
,to taste.
D iscover ed,
.M rs. S.,andAlice
,as cur tain r ises
,seated
by table C.
MRS . S . Ali ce,I
’
m afra id D i ck Pl yer takes a l i tt letoo much w ine.
ALIC E . I beg in to th ink so myse l f . At that d innerat the B rown ’
s he came pretty near mak ing a Show of
h imse l f.MRS . S . Go s low
,Al i ce
,don
’
t get too fond of him .
ALICE . Leave that to me. I am dec ided on one thingand that is I shall . never marry a t i pp ler . There maybe enough trouble in the fam i l y a l ready .
MRS . S . S i ster,what do you mean by that
,ne i ther
of our b rothers dr inks.
ALICE . No,thank heaven
,but you don
’
t have to goso far as that .
MRS . S . (j umps up, drops ber work . ) Al i ce , what doyou mean ?
ALIC E . I mean your husband,M r. Bob S l ight l y .
MRS . S . Al i ce,th i s is unk ind of you . Rob ert never
was intox i cated in his l i fe . H e says so h imself.ALICE . Before long he may not be ab le to say that .
S ister, you don
’
t hear what peop le say, as I do.
MRS . S . (D istr essed ) Al i ce , what -do they say?
ALICE . We l l,they say that s ince M r . Bob Slightly
’
s
old chum ,D i ck P l yer
,has returned from the west
,that
both are tak ing a great dea l more l i quor than is good
for them .
MRS . S . But Robert is so k ind and so good naturedhe can ’
t refuse , and his bus iness requ i res it , you know.
1 6 7
O NLY COLD TEA.
ALIC E . I Know it doesn’
t . How does b rother Johnget a long in the same bus iness
,w i thout constant treat
ing ?
MRS . S . But Robert never was drunk in his li fe .
H e has often told m e so. H e never to ld me a lie yet.
ALIC E . But he forgets that he has a l ik ing for it , andthat his appet i te w illg row .
MRS . S . Al i ce, you a larmme
,this is dreadfu l . Oh
,
anyth i ng but a drunkard ! But why do you encourageD i ck Plyer
,i f he is so dangerous ?
ALIC E . Encourage him ! I never en couraged him .
I wanted to be sure of hi s character , and now that Iknowhis weakness I Shall dec l ine his company .
M RS. S . But what can I do for poor Bob ?ALICE . Take the w i ne off your own tab le .
MRS . S . I never though t of that . But then Robertw i shes it . It is necessary for his d igest ion he says.
ALIC E . I f put to the test'
wh i ch wou ld he prefer ?You or the w ine ?MRS. S . Oh me
,of s course . H e is so fond ofme .
AL ICE . That is what all w i ves say . Li sten tome .
D i ck P l yer has w r i tten me a note that he w i l l ca l l th i svery even i ng . He
’ l l come upw i th Bob and you w i l lset out refreshments. The men w i l l make a pretenseof eat ing ,
but they w i l l dr ink a great dea l more . F or
some m en the word r efresbments means dr ink. Theydon
’
t care a snap about the eat ing .
MRS. S . Oh goodness ! I’
ve not i ced some men eat
enough for a fam i l y .
ALI CE. Take my adv i ce and observe them c lose l y .
MRS . S . Bat what can I do ?ALICE . I have a p ia .n To Show your husband the
effects of intox i cat ion i n its true l ight just get drunkyourse l f .MRS . S . (Surpr i sed ) I get drunk ! Horrors ! AlIC'
e,
are you cra z y ?ALICE . Not a b it of it . That ’ l l teach him a le sson
he won’
t forget soon .
zM'
Rs. S . (D ecidedly. ) . I shan ’
t do i t“
,that wou ld b e
d isgracefu l .1 68
ONLY c oLD TEA.
BOB . He l lo Puss i e , I’
m home ear l y, you see. (N otices
ber . ) Why Puss , what a i ls you ? (Ala rmed ) Anotherspell
,dear ?
MRS . S . Oh,Bob ! you dear old—goodnessme; (Stag
ger s to sofa and bur ies ber face in tbc cusbions .
BOB . (Ala rmed ) Why , she 1 5 s i ck ! Al i ce,what a i l s
her — why d idn’
t you te l ephone for me ?MRS. S . (In cbanged zioi .ce ) Bob
,you ’ re a trump !
BOB . Oh,She ’
s out ofh er head !ALIC E . (Reading ) I guess not .
BOB . I say She is very s i ck . (P eels b i s w ife’
spulse.
She ’
s in a fever ! How long has She been taken ? _ (P etu
lantly . ) Why do you s it there so unconcernedly . PussPuss. When was she taken ?
ALIC E . (Reading ) Oh,I found her that way wh en
I came In . She sa id She wasn ’
t s i ck ,
BOB . But don’
t you see she is s i ck ? Can’
t you do
someth ing ?ALICE . (Reading ) Do someth ing yourse l f . She ’
s
your w i fe .
BOB . Heart less creature !put that book awav. (Snatcbesbook away fr om A. ,
andfli n g s i t out L. )ALICE . ( j umpi ng up. ) That ’ s manners
,M r. S l ightly !
BOB . (Dancing a round ex ci tedly . Do someth ing ,for
heaven ’
s sake. She ’
s in a h igh fever , she’ l l fa int. (MRS .
S . g roans. ) Get the sa lts,qu i ck ! You stand like a
post . Rub herhands. D ar ts out L. say ing) I’ l l call Dr.
Gagg . (Women do not bear tbis. )ALIcE. (Goi ng to MRS. S . ) Get upyou n inny, you
are not ha l f p lay ing it .
MRS . S . (Langbing . ) Poor Bob , it is too bad , it di stresses him . I can ’
t do it r igh t.
ALICE . We l l,I could. S ing , dance !
MRS . S . Why Al i ce, you shock me !
ALICE .
'
Then upset the tab le,b reak someth i ng ,
stag
ger. (MRS . S . stagger s r ound r oom . Plings a book across
tbe room . ) That’
s it,th row someth ing at his head .
MRS . S . I’
ll upset the tab le !ALICE . Do it !
EN TER MRS . NEVERDUN,R .
1 70
ON LY COLD TEA.
MRS . N . I’ve been r ing ing ha l f an hour ! (ALICE
and MRS . S , scr eam in cbor us,MRS . S . falls on sofa as
befor e. )ALICE . (Aside ) That horr id M rs. N everdun !
MRS . N . Dear me ! Is She s i ck ?ALI CE . Yes, one of her fa int ing spe l ls ! Ca l l some
one please,qu i ck ! (Rubs MRS . S.
’
s bands . )MRS . N . (D ownfront, looks at bottles ,
suif s suspiciously . )We l l I never ! Them bott les looks aw fu l susp i c ious .
Th i s is pretty go i ns-on for respectab le peop le .
ALICE . (B usy working w itb MRS . S . ) Oh, M rs. Neverdun
,p lease do someth ing . The sa l ts are on the s ide
boa rd . Ca l l M r . S l igh t l y .
MRS. N . (D ownfront, ) She’
s drunk ! “
Champagne ,too ! That ’s a matter for the church . I s ’pose I ’
ll haveto test i fy .
ALICE . (Comi ng down . ) M rs. N everdun,don
’
t let her
fa l l . Go to her . (MRS . N . goes to M RS. S . )MRS . N . I guess she a int very bad !ALICE . I ’ l l ca l l Robert . (As sbe goes L,
sweeps bottles of table
,one in eacb band
,leaves glasses , r uns out L.
MRS . S . gets upang r ily . )MRS . N . Don
’
t exc i te yourse l f,dear i e !
MRS . S . Ho ld your tongue , woman !
MRS . N . Laws a me ! She ’
s g itt in’
sassy , j ist like a man !MRS . S . I wont be insu l ted in my own house !MRS . N . Dear me suz ! Wh‘
o’
s Insult in’
you ,I
’
d l iketo know ?
MRS . S . You are, you know it , too !
MRS . N .
-H ighty t ighty ,that ’s the b est proof in the
wor ld of your cond i t ion . You are a real n i ce ladywhen ye ’ re sober .MRS . S . (Witb scor n ) Do you mean to say , M rs.
Neverdun,that I am not sob er ? You are a goss i p !
MRS . N . Oh,don
’
t go a ca l l in ’
names. I a int a
ca l l in ’
any .
MRS . S.
’ Oh dear,i t ’ l l be allover town before n igh t .
MRS. N . An ’
s’
pos in’
it is ? What k in women expectthat goes an
’
g i ts fu l l 0’
that nasty champagne . An ’
it
goes r ight to the head , too , an’
stays there .
1 7 1
ONLY COLD TEA.
MRS . S . H ow do you know ?
MRS . N . Bob S l ight l y has had enough exper ience tote l l his w i fe better.MRS . S . Oh
,M rs. N everdun
,don
’
t speak that way.
You are m istaken,
-I can exp la in it all.MRS. N . I a int ask in ’
no explanat ions.
MRS . S. P lease say noth ing a bout th i s. I’
ve been
foo l i sh . Be my fr iend , w i l l you ?MRS . N . Good land
,ha int I a lways been yer fr iend ?
I ha int an enemy in the wor ld as I knows of. Anha intI been act i ve in the sew in ’
soc iety an’
d idn ’
t I g i vethem as n i ce refreshments as anybuddy
? I f I am
nobuddy but Ole Mi ssus Neverdun,a int I as good as
the best of’
em .
. (Gets voluble, t alking faster andfaster .
I a int no foo l,I k in te l l ye.
’
MRS . S . Yes,but
MRS. N . I don ’
t care a tuppence fur the i r talk . Mytea an
’
my coffee an’
my doughnuts a int beat nowhereMRS . S . Yes, but 1MRS. N . I don ’
t care a rap. M rs. Hart ley wears dimons and lace and she sets a m igh ty poor tab l e, an
’ Ia int afra id to tet er so. They all eat at my house t i l lI thought they ’
d bust . (MRS. S . laugbs. ) You k in laughM rs. S l ighty , but I won ’
t be put on . (M ore and more
ex cited ) An’
I’
ll have my say when it comes to'
that .
Sa l l ie Neverdun’
a int the k ind to be put on an saynoth in ’
.
MRS . S . But M rs. Neverdun
M Rs. N . I a int cast in ’
no reflect ions onyour tab le,
fur it'
was bang up, an’ I sez r ight there , to Mar ier Wi l
k ins,sez I “
th is layout beats Mrs. H art ley ’
s w i th herd imons an her kerr idges an
’
She
\MRS . S . ( In despa ir . ) But , M rs. Neverdun,haven ’
t Ialways been your fr iend ?MRS . N . I
’
ve nothin ’
ag in you, M rs. S l ight l y .
Haven ’
t I j ust sa id that many ’
5 a t ime ? I sa id toMarierWi lk ins that your tab le b eat M rs. Hart ley ’s all ho l ler
,
w i th her d imons an’
two n iggers to d ish sa lat an ’
turn “
coffee . Why,her sa lat
MRS . S . But M rs. Neverdun
ON LY COLD TEA.
MRS . S . (F am ily ) Yes.
DR . M r. S l igh tly , your w i fe ’
s nerves are unstrung lgMRS . N “
. Well,I Shou ld th ink so .
DR . She must have qu iet . She ’ l l be all r igh t t omorrow .
MRS . N . (Aside ) Knowed that much myse l f.BOB . (Anx iously ) What is the matter
,doctor ?
DR .
’ Old comp la int w i th comp l i cat ions. (MRS. S.
tbrows upber bands unnoticed by DR . ) Her nerves are uh
strungf Observe the abnorma l act ion of the levatorlab iae super ior is
,the orb i cu lar is or is and the levator
pa l peb ra rum .
MRS . N . Land 0’ rest ! j ist hear that !
DR . I th ink there is a s l igh t d ifficu l ty , too , in the
decussat ion of the medu l la ob longata wh i ch has establ-ished
'
a sympathet i c act ion w i th the so lar plexus and
the pneumogastr icus.
MRS . N . Say ,Dr. Gagg ,
what does all that r igmaro le mean ? hyster i cs ?DR . ( Gla r ing a t ber . ) The sc ience of med i c ine
,
madam,has made many advances s ince you were a ch i ld .
MRS . N .
- Ye don’
t say ! An’ I S ’pose i t ’ l l keep on a
danc in ’t i l l a doctor knows when -
a person ’
s— (warninggesturefrom MRS . S . )DR . (Aside toBOB . ) That woman is exc i t ing your
w i fe. Get r id of her .
BOB . H ow the what 'can I do w i th her ?
EN TER D ICK PLYER, ga ily ,
R .
D ICK . I say ,old boy , I was j ust go ing past (Sees
MRS . S), I beg pardon . Is M rs . S l ight l y ind i sposed ?BOB .
‘
On l y a Slight nerve attack .
DIcK . I’
m very sorry i f I d i sturb her.
MRS . S . It is noth ing at all. I am g lad to see you ,
M r . P l yer . Al i ce , p lease show D ick a cha i r . (GivesALICE know ing look . )ALICE . Take th i s seat , M r . P l yer. ( Tbengoes and
wbispers to MRS . S . )BOB . I say ,
D i ck,wont you go in to the smok ing
room ? I ’ l l jo in you as soon—as I can leave my w i fe.
ON LY COLD TEA.
D ICK . Oh,certa inly , I ’m aw fu l sorry ! Can
’
t I beof any use ?
DR . Just one moment,M r . S light l y . Take th i spre
scr i pt ion to be fi l led at once ! Make haste ! Dose everyha l f hour
,t i l l pat ient finds re l ief . Mi ss Ali ce
,wet a
c loth w i th v inegar and p lace it on her forehead. The
so la r p l exus is dangerous l y d i sturbed .
MRS . N . That ’s an anatomy I never heerd te l l Of.
ALI CE . Robert,I w ish to speak w i th you ,
i f M r.
P l yer w i l l step into the smok ing room meanwh i le .
D I CK . Certa in l y ! At your serv i ce. (B owspoii ieiyex it D . F . )BOB . (Going w i inA.
,L. ) Excuse me a moment
,Dr .
DR . ( ToMRS . N . ) Aword w i th you , madam . (Tneycome down C. so MRS . S . can not nea r . ) You appear forsome reason to exc i te the pat ient . You had better goat once .
MRS . N. Oh,I k in take a h int .
DR . I mean for her sake, you know .
MRS . N . You needn’
t pa laver . What a i ls. her ?
Dr . ( IMysier z'
onsZy ) A very strange case , madam .
Very strange . It wou ld baffle the sk i l l ofa youngpract it ioner . The eye of sc i ence madam
MRS . N . I ’
low it takes the eye 0’
sc ience to see
through a gr indstone when there a int no ho le in it .
DR. (P leased ) Exact l y ! I’
ve had in my l i fet ime
just three such cases,all s ince 1 a gr i ppe came . I may
say , in fact , that I have d i scovered a new d i sease .
MRS . N . Doctor Gagg, you are a w i se man . (H e
5020s and
DR . Acomp l iment madam?MRS . N .
‘ Nonsense ! D id you sme l l her b reath ?DR . I
,no indeed ! Why Shou ld 1 ?
MRS. N . You ’ve made a foo l of yourself. She’sdrunk
,that ’s all!
DR . A fool ! Drunk ! Why madam
th i s is scanda lous.
MRS . N . Oh,keepcool. You ’ l l get we l l pa id to say
noth in ’
. But d idn ’
t I see the bott les on the tab le ?DR . But it is imposs ib le .
I 7S
ON LY COLD TEA.
M RS. N . D idn’
t I see her stagger ? I f you’
don’
t
b’
lieve , look at the pudd les “
of w ine on-
the tab le .
Sme l l it .
DR . (P nisfinger zn_
lionzo’spi ,lle(l sinells . ) True !Why ,
th is is an insu l t to my profess ionEN TER BOB
, followeo’ liy D I CK and ALICE .
BOB . Dr . Gagg , I w ish a word in the smok ing room .
DR . ( fndzgnonily ) I have a word,too
,Sir. You
have insu l ted my profess ion ,Sir .
BOB . But ho ld,I ’ l l exp la in .
DR . I ’ l l not ho ld. I am the vi ct im ofahoax ..Your
w i fe is not s i ck at all.
BOB . Why d idn ’
t you find that out at
fi rst,then?
EN TER D I CK
D ICK . Yes,the eye Of sc ience
,so lar p l ex us
,v inegar
and water,etc. That ’s great stuff . There ’
s
noth ing l ike sc i enceDR . You are Offensw e
,- I
’
ll have noth ing toSaytoyon . (To BOB . ) Now ,
M r . S l ight l y , you r conductis most ~inexcusab le .
BOB . But I’
m try ing to exp la in that it was all a
l i tt le joke between my w i fe and her S i ster . She wasonly pretend ing .
D .R (P omponslj / J And I am to be the v i ct im of
other peop le ’
s jokes. You sha l l pay for th is, s ir.
BOB . Send in your b i l l .DR . B i l l ! Who cares for the pa l try fee ! My pro
fess ional fee l ings have been outraged . The profess ionis not to be tr ifled w i th . M r . S l igh t l y , I’
ve a m ind tosue you for damages.
BOB . Afig for yOur d ign i ty !MRS . S. Oh
,Robert !
D ICK . Let him sue . Get me on the j ury .
DR . ( Taking uppill bog ang r ily. ) I sha l l consu l t myattorney at Once .
BOB . Save the troub le and the fee ! Let lawyersa lone ! Make your b i l l as large as you p l ease . I prefer to be p lucked by one man rather than by t w
-O.
ON LY COLD TEA.
MRS . S . Oh,_you dear Bob . (P als a rm in ki t. )
DICK ., M RS. N everdun
,I st illst ick '
upfor you r tab le .
(D r ess stage, DR . MRS . N D ICK down C.,
ALICE L.
,MR . and MRS . S . a rm in a rm ky
i
laole.)MRS . N . I reckon you w i l l . It
’
s the best in town .
D I CK . I am go ing to M rs Hart ley ’
s to d inner nextWednesday , andMRS . N . Land ’
O Goshen ! Then j ist come to myhouse Thu rsday an
’I
’
ll show -
ye a d inner ’
a‘
t’
ll be a
d inner . What do I care for M rs . Hart ley an’
her ker
r idge an’
dimons an’ fidd le faddle
QUICK CURTAIN,
MRS . N . is
1 78
A FARCE
BYT. S . DENISONAu i /zor of
Odds wi th the Enemy ,Ini tiating a Granger , Wanted
,a Correspondent A
Fam i ly S tr ike , Se th Greenback , Louva , the Pauper ; H ans V on Smash
B orrowing Troub le , Tw o Ghosts in Whi te , The Pull-Back ,Coun t ry j us
tice ,The Assessor , The Spark ling Cup, Our Country ,
Ir ish LinenPeddler
,The SchoolM a
’
am,Kansas Imm igrants , An Only Daughter ,
Too M uch of a Good Thing , Under the Laurels , H ard Cider,
The Dange r S ignal, Wide Enough for Tw o , Pets of Society ,Is the Ed i tor In ? The N ew Woman
,Pa tsy O ’Wang ,
Re
jected , Only Cold Tea , M adam P’
s B eau ty Parlors , Topp ’sTwins
,AFirst-Class Hotel, It
’
s all in the Pay-S treak ,
The Cobbler , ADude in a Cyclone ,FridayDialogues .
Also tlze N ovels,
The Man B ehind, An Iron
CH ICAGO :
T . S . DEN I SON,PUB LISHER
,
1 63 RANDOLPH STREET.
A FIRST-CLASSHOTEL.
CHARACTERS .
LANDLORD .
B'ULGER,a drummer .
LEGGATT,a l i terary man .
SCHN ELL,of the firm of Schne l l 81 . Augenb l i ck .
Time ofplay ing,twenty minutes.
PROPERT IES .
P i sto l,va l i se
,cane , p i pe , book , empty bott les, box Of
'
pi l ls, cand les In cand lest i cks,crash bag .
STAGE D IRECTIONS .
R . means r ight“
of the stage : C. center ;r ight center ; L.
,left ; I E
,fi rst entrance
,
upper entrance,etc . D . E.
,door in flat or back of the
stage . The actor is supposed to be fac ing the aud i ence .
NOTE—The rap id act ion in th i s p lay requ i res careful rehearsa l and str i ct“ attent ion to cues. In manycases the least drag w i l l spo i l the effect . The boy who
does the caterwau l ing must be a lways ready the instanthe gets his Cue from the prompter . H e must be ab le
to produce the effect of two cats and shou ld make the
aud ience hear d i st inct l y .
COPYRIGHT , 1 895 , BY T .
“
s. DENISON .
I. 0 E3 WindowCloseCot C hai r Stand
Tab le
1 80
F IRST -CLASS HOTEL.
LAND . (H and on B .
’
s a rm . ) Qu iet '
nOw. You maywake him . Good n ight , sir. (Lear/es candle on stand.
BULGER . (H angs coat on r ack, goes to closet door ,
looks
in . ) What’
s th i s ? A two by three closet . (Sits and
takes of boots . ) I’ l l put my th ings in the c loset , though I
don’
t suppose th i s one-horse town can afford even a
burg lar .“ I ’ l l str ike th i s town from my li st . Such a
'
snide hotel‘ i sn ’
t to b e found th is S ide the M iss iss i pp ir iver . (Goes in closet. LEG . turns in bed and mutter s in li is
sleep . Caterwauling in alley . B oy outside upL. does t/zis. )
RE-EN TER BULGER,inpaj ama or color ed nzg/zt robe. Ex
amines skeets.
BULGER . Damp,as Usua l ! I
’
llcatch my death Of
co ld . I a lways get a cold in th i s town . The p lace isso slow -that ’ s the only th ing people can catch . (R ingsbell by door E. ) I
’ l l have the Sheets changed , i f I haveto rouse every chamb erma id in the house . (Si ts andopens oali .se ) I
’ l l take a l iver p i l l wh i le I think of it .
Always have to take a l iver p i ll in th i s town . It’
s so
slow that a man’
s live r stops bus iness. I am catch ingcold al .ready I f I sneez e I ’
ll wake him . (B usiness ofsuppressing sneez e ) There ’
s a draft somewhere. (Tiptoes to w i .ndow LEGGATT tur ns and mutters in ltis sleep.
B . stops. ) I’ l l w
'
ake his'
l iterary n ibbs,sure. (
"
Tr ies
w indow . ) Wide open and stuck fast ; w indows a lwaysst i ck in thi s ‘
town . When they are up they stay up,when
_
they are down they stay down . And that Old hayseed actually calls th i s a fi rst c lass hote l . H e amuses
(Sets candle on c/zai r . Con found that be l l . ( P us/zes
it
e
agai n several ti .mes I guess I’ll smoke wh i le I am
wa i t ing . (Goes to get pipe out of coat pocket. ) Where’ S
that p ipe . (P ulls coat w it/i impa tience; r ack comes dow n
w itk a cla tter and coa t sw ings round a nd knocks candle to
floor,putting it out. B . da r ts to lzis bed and gets in
LEGGATT . (Rising _
to sittingpostur e. ) What’
8 that ?Who ’
s there ? H eh ? Aburglar ! I’
ll shoot, you rascal!
(Attempts to pull out dr awer of lzis table tofind pistol.D r awer
“
sticks and lzis books and ef
oeiy tlzing go clatter tofloor .
1 82
F I RST C LASS H OTEL .
BULGER . (Alarmed . Don’
t shoot Don’
t It’
s
only me !
LEGGATT . (Ex cited ) W’ho ’
s me ? (F eeling for t/ze
matc/zes . ) B low it,where ’
s that i nferna l cand l e ? I’
ll
have to get up.
BULGER . Don’
t get up! It’
s a ll an acc ident .
LEGGATT . Who the deuce are you ,anyway ?
BULGER . (Str ikes mate/z . ) I’
m a guest of th i s beast l yhotel
,i f its v i ct ims may be ca l led by so gentee l a term
as guest.
LEGGATT . (Sitting up. ) Aguest ! I don ’
t l ike that .
BULGER . (N ettled. ) Ne i ther do I .LEGGA TT . You ’
ve d i sturb ed me and now I ’ l l have a
n igh t of it .
BULGER . I’
m very sorry indeed !LEGGATT . SO am I .BULGER . surpr ise. ) S i r , I apolog i z ed .
LEGGATT . Con found your apo logy ! I was sound
asleep .
BULGER . You a re a n i ce roommate . The landlordwas r ight when he sa id you were .
LEGGATT . I beg your pardon ,stranger . I wasn ’
t
qu i te po l i te .
BULGER . Don’
t men t ion it . M y name is Bulger .LEGGATT. And m ine is Leggatt . (B . crosses and tbey
s/zake. )BULGER . I
’
m very sorry I d isturb ed you . I had
j ust rung the b ell and was wa i t ing .
LEGGA TT . That b ell hasn ’
t been connected w i th theOffice for a year .
1
BULGER . Oh,what a hotel!
LEGGATT . When I want any th i ng I j ust throw a popbott le down to the r ight . (M otions ) I t
’
ll b reak at'
the
OffiCe door and rouse the land lord .
BULGER . By George ! It takes a l i terary man,a fter
all,for ideas.
LEGGATT . You ’ l l find some emp ty popbottles in the
c loset . I keep them for that purpose— and the cats .
BULGER . (Gets bottle. ) I’
ll try it. D id you say to
the r ight1 83
F I RST -CLASS HOTEL .
LEGGA TT . Yes, you can see -
'
the glass door i f youlook out . H i t the pavement so the bottle w i ll crash .
(BULGER t/zrows out of w indow,tremendous craslz . )
BULGER . What a crash “
for one bottle . I guess thatw i ll fetch him .
LEG GATT . Now you kaoe done It .
BULCER . Done what ?LEGGA T T . You ’ ve b roken the glass Of the hot bed
and . the tomato p lants w i l l all freez e. You threw the
w rong way .
BULGER . You sa id to the r igh t .
LEGGAT 'T‘. I meant to my r igh t .
BULGER . (P rovoked. ) Well,
_I
’
ll be eve r last ing lyLEGGAT T . Ho ld on
,M r . Bulger, it i sn
’
t worth swearing about . It
’
s Of no consequence . We sha l l have'
to
wa i t a month longer for tomatoes, that’
s all.- BULGER . I
’
m very sorry,M r. Leggatt . I ’ l l turn in
now and r i sk the damp sheets. I hope you w i l l s leep .
(Gets in bed. )LEGGA
'
TT . But I Won ’
t . I’
m in for a n ight of it .
BULGER . What ' i s the cause of your insomn i a ?LEGGATT . M y b ook !
BULGER . K eep away from the races,why don
’
t you ?
LEGGATT . I don ’
t‘
mean that k ind.
Of a book . It is
the'
great nove l I am w r i t ing . It is k i l l ing me .
BULGER . (B lows out kis candle. ) Ah ! When are you
go ing to d ie ?LEGGATT . ( Testily . ) \
D ie ! I’
m not go ing to d ie .
BULGER . (Sleepily . ) You’ l l make a long
-
job of it in
th i s town,it
’
s so s low .
LEGGATT . But I’
m not here for that purpose,I say
What is your l ine,by the way ?
BULGER . (M urmur s . ) Line— cheapest way— I ’ l l sh i pyour goods by B lue Line ,
same as before .
LEGGATTf B lue Line ! Are you drunk ?Hang it he
’
s asleep . I w ish I could go to sleep l ikethat . I envy a drumm er . (B low s out candle
,lies down
and cover s up; ca terw auling outside That in ferna l cataga in ! ( Tu r ns over w it/z nervous motion of sleepless ma nand settles down . All stillfor say 1 5 seconds. B . b eg ins to
1 84
F I RST -CLASS”
HOTEL.
BULGER . I’
d as soon have a room over a bo i ler shopas in th i s in fernal li tt le hotel. Fi rst ~ c lass —oh
,what a
l iar th is landlord is.
LEGGA T T . M y dear s ir , your att i tude toward Bon i faceis hard l y just ifiab le . Land lords indulge in hyperbole .
BULGER . Hyperbole ! What is that ?LEGGATT . It is the faculty Of not lett ing a statement
lack strength .
BULGER . We l l,I must say th i s landlord
’
s statements
are very robust .
LEGGA TT . Neatly put , Bulger . I be l i eve you cul
t ivate l i terature yourself. You should at any rate .
Li teratureBULGER . (Walking floor . ) Li terature b e
"
d— d .
LEGGATT . M y dear s ir, you wont sleep at all i f you
go on at that rate. S ince you decli ne to jo in me i n a
p i pe let me read a chapter Of Squ ibbs ’ last nove l toyou ; that
’ l l do the bus iness.
BULGER . _ (P ausing infr ont of L.
’
s cot.) Read Squ ibbsto me ! At m idn igh t , in a strange hotel! P reposterous !LEG GATT . H e is very sooth ingBULGER . (Empkatically I wont have it (gets i n bed)LEG GATT . I ’ In very sorry . I
’
ll have to read all to
myself .B ULGER . (Si tting up. ) Are you go ing to read ?LEG GATT . I am .
BULGER . And keep that candle bu rn ing ?LEGGA TT . Certa inly ! I don ’
t read in the dark . Ihaven ’
t ca t ’s eyes .
BULGER . Rea lly,
call for the three O’c lock tra in ?LEG GATT: Don
’
t worry about it,Bulger . I shall b e
awake and I’
ll ca l l you promptly . Wi ll 2 :45 b e abou t
r ight ?BULGER . (j umps up. ) That man is cra z y . I
’
llneverget a w ink of sleep here . (Seiz es blanket ) There ’
s a
sofa in the hall,I
’
ll try that . Nex t t ime I come to th i stown I’ll . stop at the roundhouse for a qu i et place.
(Runs out R . w itk candle and blanket.
LEGGATT . I am d isappo inted in him . I thought his1 86
F IRST-CLASS HOTEL.
nerves we re sound. He’
ll b reak down i f he travelslong . He
’
ll catch co ld in the hallway,I
’
m afra id .
(Lays down book . P ause. ) M y sleepy spe l l has come on .
I d idn ’
t expect it t i l l four o ’c lock . I be l i eve I shallnot pass a wh i te n ight , as the French say ,
after all.(Lies down and goes to sleep . P ause 1 5 seconds . )
EN TER LAND LORD,tiptoe
,R .
LAND. (Looks at B .
’
s bed,tben a t L.
’
s . ) Bulger is a
strange man . Now,why d id he l eave his bed and take
that sofa in the ha l l ? H e’
s the hardest customer top lease that comes th i s way . Doesn
’
t l ike cats,
fin i ckyabou t dra f ts, always sends his steak back , obj ects to twoin a room. I s ’pose two in a bed
’
ud set’
im craz y . Therea int a stead i er
,n i cer man in the house than M r. Leg
gatt . Where Sha l l I put that Dutchman ? The sofa wasthe last th ing (Scr atcbes bead. ) Why , here , of course .
I’
ll just make upthe b ed ! (H astily makes upb .ed ) There ,he ’
llnot not i ce i t has b een S lept 1 n . ( Caterwauling out
side.
EX I T R . and RE-EN TER w itb SCHN ELL .
LAN D . Qu i etly ! There ’
s a man as l eep there .
SCHN ELL . Oh,dis vas a touble room alretty ?
LAN D . Yes.
SCHNELL . (Looking round. ) M it s ingle petts. Lantlort
,vas dot
“
man safe ?LAND . Perfect l y safe .
SCHN ELL . V el,I mean vas I safe? I know he was
safe,alretty .
LAND . Why,he
’
s the peacefulest man in the town .
(lmpr essioely . H e’ S a li ttery chap .
SCHN ELL . (P u z ied ) Li ttery man ! V at was dot ?
LAND . H e w r i tes books.
SCHN ELL . Oh, ya , a pookkeeper .
LAN D . NO,he wr i tes for the magaz ines.
SCHN ELL . (Stillpu z z led, scratcbes bead. ) M ackaseens !
Ya,powter mackaseens. Ya , ya , dot b in all r ight . I kess
,
he won t p l ow up.
LAND . (Ready to go. ) Your name is Schnell,I be
li eve .
1 87
EIRST-C LASS HOTEL.
SCHNELL . Ya ! Gus Schnell,of Schne l l oontAugen
b l ick .
LAND . Line sauerk raut ?SCHN ELL . Sauerk raut oont weinerwurst .
LAND . Any ca l l?SCHN ELL . Ya , by de Cherman saloons.
LAND . I mean sha l l I ca l l you in the morn ing ?SCHN ELL . Yoost l eaf me alone t i l l I shleeps out .
(Ex it LANDLORD _
R . )SCHN ELL . ( Taking of sboes. ) Dot man was a goot
shleeper , alretty. I hope he ton’
t Shnore somet imes.
Dot man shleep l ike one li ttle papy . ( Takes of coa t,
feels bed. ) Dunder ld ot pett vas warm alretty . Dere
moost pe a furnace oonter dot pett . (Looks, feels . ) Ifeels v int ; Dot was strange, der room co l t
,m it v int
plow in ,oont der pett varm . Dere vas no planket py
dot pett . Gott in h immel vy vas dot pet varm ! meppedot wasn
’
t a mystery . I yoost—shleepin my clod ings , Itake
/no Shances m it dot preez e plow in . (Gets in bed. )
Ach,I forcot to put . dot candle out . I plieve I can
reach him . (Reacbes out tow a rd candle in eka ir and losingbalancefalls out of bed w itb a cr ask
,ex tinguisb ing candle
and over tur ning cba ir .
LEGGA TT . (Sta r ting ) What’
s that ? Where ’
s myp i stol?SC HN ELL . Gott in h immel
,ton
’
t shoot .
LEGGATT . (Crossly . ) We l l,what a i l s you now ?
SCHN ELL . Nod ings. I yoost fell out py de pett .
LEGGATT . (H alf aw ake. ) You have d i sturbed meaga in ! Why in thunder can
’
t you go to Sleep ?SCHN ELL . (Ang ry ) V el
,vy tont you g if me some
d ime alretty ? I yoost cot in m ine pett, two tree m inutes foreby . (Gets in bed. )LEGGATT . (Sta r ting up, w ide aw ake. ) That
’
s a strangevo i ce . Bu lger Bu lger— G reat heavens ! hasBulger been murdered ? ( Tr ies to str ike matcbes
,several
go out. )'Th is comes of putt ing strangers in the same
room . What a i ls the i n ferna l matches ! (n bts candle;
SCHN ELL is allcovered upex cept b is face,"
LEG . peers a t bimfor a moment. ) That isn ’
t Bu lger. Where can Bu lgerfi‘
F I RST -CLASS HOTEL .
caterwauling
"
outside,ad lib. ) Oh,
dem cats ! (Softly ) Iwas a fra id of dot b eaceful l i ttery chap. H e m ightShoot i f he hea rs dem c ats. (Rolls over . ) Ve l l , I ton
’
t
schleep, dot’
s sure,a lretty . (Glances a t L.
’
s cot. ) Dot
man was tangerous .
'
I yoost d r i‘
es to eket a napby derOffice . (Rises, softly stealing tow a r d door
,R
,LEG‘
. r olls
over . SCHN ELL , ala rmed,da r ts out. )
(Sleepily yaw ns . ) More no i se,somew here
,
and I was j ust go ing— (settles dow n and drops to sleep,
skort loud caterw auling ,tben all quiet. )
BULGER steals in R . w itb candle.
BULGER . Th i s n igh t w i ll be'
worSe on me than a
week’
s s i ckness. I’
ll have to take another liver p i l l.(Takespill. ) I f I had a keg of powder under th i s Oldhote l I ’
d b low 1 t to K ingdom cats and
all. B ut I mustn ’t w ake that author or he ’
ll want toread Squ ibbs ’
nove l to me . H e’
s had a good sleep .
I’
ve caught cold in tha t hall. It was li ke the Cave Of
the Winds . (F eels bed. Su rpr ised . ) Why , that b ed iswa rm yet . That ’
s very strange ! The room is as co ldas a barn . Th e re ’
s no b lanket here e i ther . I left tha tin the hall . I f I c lose that w indow may b e I Can getalong. I
’
ll wake everybody in the house probab ly .
( Goes soft/y to w indow ,tugs a t it, steals gla nce a tLEGGATT ,
g ives a qu ick tug ,
”
dow n comes w indow on tbe r un and br eaks
a pane of glass . )LEGGATT . (Sta r ting up, sitting postur e. ) What
’
s that ?
Who ’
s there ? (BULGER cr awls beb ind tbc cur ta ins. ) H eythere ! Say ! (P ause ) It
’
s that Dutchman aga in !H e
’
s worse than Bu lger was; Fa l len out of that r i cke tyOld b ed aga in ,
I suppose. I f he ’
d only b reak his neck !(Scratcbing ma tcbes
,ligb ts candle. ) Why , he i sn
’
t there .
Now that ’
s Odd ! Both gone ! ‘Agood r iddance . I maycatch my four O
’ c lock turn yet . (Sta r ts ) My watch !I ’ l l b et tha t Dutchman
"
was a th ie f in d i sgu i se . (F eels
in vestpocket. ) NO i t’
i s there a ll r ight. I have noth inge l se to steal. I m an au thor . H e wouldn
’
t tak e
Squ ibb s ’
novel: N O,nobody would run away w i th
Squ ibbs. (Looks at wa tcb aga in . ) It’
s just t ime1 90
F IRST -C LASS HOTEL .
for Bu lger ’s tra i n . (B .
'
beb ind cur ta in,Con found it.
What ’s that ? I surely heard a vo i ce . Some one is
concea led somewhere . I’
ll call the landlord . No bell.
I ’ l l catch cold i f -I get up to throw a popbott l e . Iguess I ’ l l j ust fire the p i stol. (B . in ala rm dodges closer
to wall. P istolskot. There ! I guess that ’
1 1 fetch him .
I’
ll g ive him a p i ece Ofmy m ind . When I took th i sroom I gave him the pr i v i lege of putt ing in a qu i etparty occas iona l ly . Qu iet ! Th i s has been a delight
fu l ly qu iet n ight .
EN TER LAN DLORD,R .
,ex citedly followed by SCHN ELL .
LAN D . G reat heavens ! Where was that shot ?SCHNELI H imme l ! H e sound l i ke a cannon . I
joompout 0’
my schleepten feet'
a lretty .
LAN D . Where was i t ? The house w i l lbe in an uproa r . Legga tt , why don
’
t you speak ?LEGGATT . (Coolly . ) I w ill speak . Land lord
,it is
my delibera te Op in ion that you keep the worst hote lthat I ever saw .
LAN D . That ’s a s lander , str i ct l y first-c lass ! But
the shot ?LEGGATT . In the ab sence of a be l l the shot was
s imply to ca l l you .
LAND . (Ang r ily . ) Why , you don’
t mean to sayLEGGATT . That ’s just w hat I mean to say .
‘ Youwere to put only qu iet peop le in here .
LAND . Bu lger is all r igh t . Best man on the road .
LEGGATT . H e has soften ing of the b ra in .
LAN D . Imposs ib le ! Bu lger is one of the best sa lesmen On the road .
LEGGATT . I’
ve had enough of him. I th i nk he ’
s
cra z y . (B . ang ry gg estur efrom bebind cur ta in
LAND . Nonsense ! H is head is as leve l as— as m ine .
LEGGATT . I wont d i spute tba t !LAND . And you mean you fi red apistol and a larmed
the who le house j ust to te l l me th i s .
LEGGATT . I’
m not done yet . Nex t th ing you b r ingin an id iot i c Dutchman
SCHNELL . V y , you rasca l ! dot is me.
1 9 1
F IRST CLASS H OTEL .
LEGGATT . (Witb wave of band. ) Al low me,Wagon
b lock . I’
m ta lk ing to the landlord .
LAND . Let upand go to s leep ._You ’ l l be all r ight
in the morn ing ; Where is Bulger ? It’
s tra in t ime ;
LEGGATT . Bulger ! What do I know about Bu lger ?Get out now and leave me a lone .
LAN D . But Bu lger— (LEG . lies dow n . ) Say, Leggatt !SCHN ELL . I t in'
k dot li ttery chap haf k i lt Pu l cher .LAN D . (Star ting ) What ? (Seiz es LEGGATT by arm
and j erks bim to sitting postur e. ) Produce Bulger. The
shot— Bulger . Have you murdered him ?LEGGATT ( Tb r ow ing b im of . ) I
’
m ready to murdersomeb
‘
.ody (Seiz es cane.
LAN D . (Retr ea ting . Where Is Bu lger ?BULGER . Here he is ! (Str ides down ang r ily . LAND .
a nd SCHN ELL sta r t back . ) And let me add to what thatl i terary man says. I thought he cou ld use words b et ter
in such a case than a pla in drummer,but he i sn ’
t in it .
Of all the no i sy,w indy
,ill-kept
,bad-smelling , d is
reputable gets empbatic as-be speaks) , d isorder l y , rag
tag-and-bOb-ta i l hote ls in creat ionSCHN ELL . Mine Gott 'LAN D . Hold on
,SIr . You ’
re go ing too far.
B ULGER . I ’ l l go farther nex t tr i p . I’
ll go to thenext town . (Getting valise and tb ings .)LAN D . You r b i ll is ready .
BULGER . (Snor ting ) B i l l ! b i l l !LAN D . (D ecidedly . ) I sa id
-
bill.
_
LEGGATT . Bulger , you ’
ll m i ss your t'ra in i f you
stand . there quarreling . Now c l ear out,all of you ,
or
I’
ll m i ss my _4 o'c lock S l eep . I a lmost fee l as i f I
ShOllld,
m ISS It after th is . (LANDLORD takes B .
’
Svalise
a nd is going R . followed by B . SCHN ELL stands undecided. )H i there
,land lord
,don
’
t leave that Dutchman here.
(LAN DLORD pays no attention,ex eunt.)
SCHN ELL . (Ang r ily . Tutchman ! dat was me—M inefreu t
,I was no Tutchman
,I was Cherman oont
LEGGATT . Get out be fore I comm i t murder. Afirst
c lass qu iet hotel! Oh ! (Reacbes forpistol. SCHN ELLgoesfly ing out R . ) QUICK CURTA IN .
1 92
MADAME PRINCETON ’S TEM PLE OF BEAUTY .
MADAME PRINCETON’S
T EMPL E O F BEAUTY .
CHARACTERSMADAME PRIN CETON
,propr ietor of Temp le of Beauty .
MRS . COM PTON ,very stout
,wants to be reduced.
MISS D I CK IE B IRD,who wants to be b leached .
M ISS TERW I LLIGER,who I S In search of a Comp lex ion.
MISS MCFADDEN,a susp i c ious enqu i rer .
SUSAN,an ass i stant ofMadame P .
’
S.
Time ofplay ing ,twenty . minutes.
STAGE'
D IRECTIONS .
R . means r igh t of the stage ; C.
,center ; R . C.
,
r ight center ; L. left ; I E.
,fi rst entrance ; U . E.
,upper
entrance,etc . D . F . door in f flat or back of the stage.
The actor is supposed to be fac ing the aud ience .
NOTE— To present th is p iece proper l y the lad iesmust make upas d i rected . But young lad ies as a ru legreat l y d i s l ike putt ing anyth ing d i sfigur ing on the i rfaces. Mi ss Terw i l l iger shou ld use make-uppa ints, oneSide of face fiery red
,the other very b rown
,freck led .
But she may get a long very we l l by bandag ing one
s ide and sp lotch ing the other freely w i th court p laster,
reddened w i th carm ine ink ; It -is best to se lect a ladynatura l l y stout
,w i th a keen sense of humor
,for M rs.
Compton . Fu l l instruct ions may b e found in\a good
make aup book .
COPYRIGHT ,1 895 , BY T . s. DENISON.
1 94
MADAME PRINCETON’
S
T EMPL E O F BEAUTY .
SCENE—Entrance R . and L. in I . D . E.,L. C . sbelves
for“
goods aga inst fla t R . C. ,sofa near w all upL.
cba i r betw een tbat and door R . table w itb books and
flowers dow n L. C.,opera ting eka i r (barber
’
s) R . C.
otber . cbair s and little accessor ies to taste,but do not crowd
stage. M ay beplayed in any room baving two doors .
SUSAN . (D iscover ed as cu r ta in r ises ex amining toilet
a r ticles on sbelves. ) The sk in food is near ly out . Sk infood ! Mutton fat and bergamot, cost , ten cents a jar.
Ch ina jar and g i l t labe l twenty cents more,tota l th i rty
cents,se l ls for five do l lars. We l l I guess there ’
s moremoney in sk in food than there is in stomach food or
b ra in food ,for that matter . ( Takes upanotber bottle. )
Ant i -fat ! Vinegar and water,three do l lars a bott le.
Ant i grandmother ! (Laugbs . ) Why , I’
m ta l k ing about
my re lat ives. What foo l s these women are . I ’ l l starta Beauty Par lor I guess. I am a samp leofMadame Pr inceton ’
s work myse l f. Humph ! I neverdid a b lessed th ing for my beauty .
,
I‘ wou ldn’t put her
sk in food on a mangy dog . That fat old Comptonth ing goes wadd l ing round tak ing ant i -fat and j erk ingthe pu l leys in the gymnas ium . M y , she makes me
laugh . She gets fatter every day .
ENTER br iskly MADAME P. ,R .
MAD . P . Susan,have you opened upthe gymnasium
to a ir it ?
SUSAN . Yes ’
m !
MAD . P .
'Where is Mary ?
IQS
4 M ADAM E PRIN CETON ’S TEM PLE OF BEAUTY
SUSAN . In the stock room .
MAD . P . Have we plenty of everyth ing ? There ’
s
go ing to be a run on Madame P r inceton ’
s To i let Art icles. The Wor ld ’
s Fa i r meda l is a great card.
SUSAN . I suppose we’ l l get that meda l be fore the
nex t Fai r opens ?MAD . P . The de lay is so annoy ing . B ut We ’ l l do
as the others do- say we have it already .
SUSAN . The sk in food is low .
MAD . P . D id you telephone the comm iss ion man to
hurry upthat mutton ta l lowSUSAN . Yes
,he sent it by m istake to Madame La
Duke’
s Pa r lors.
MAD . P . Madame La Duke ’
s,indeed I
’
ll sue her
for damages i f she steals any more Ofmy secrets.
SUSAN . I guess Madame La Duke knows mutton fat
from goose grease .
MAD . P . She is an ignorant- imposter . Every idea
She has she sto le from me . Tell Ma ry to set the girlS
mak ing a gross of sk in food immed iately . (Ex it SUSANL. )
EN TER MRS . COM PTON,R .
,pufi ng .
MAD . P . (R unning to meet ber . ) -Why,
.how charming you look , M rs . Compton .
MRS . C . (D ropping in cba ir . I ’m nea r l y starved todeath . I haven ’
t eaten a b i te Of meat for three days.
MAD . P . Abst inence and Madame Pr inceton ’
s Ant i-fat w i l l dO
‘
the bus iness. Take a dose now, (pour s out
w ine glassfull) . That w i l l rev ive you . It operates onthe fat g lands and
'
a l lays the i r abnorma l act iv i ty . It
is exc i tement Of the fat g lands wh i ch causes excess iveflesh. DO you fee l better ? You ’ve lost
,I should say ,
fi fteen pounds the last week .
MRS. C . Madame Pr inceton ,I just fee l comp lete l y
gone. Why,when the g i r l b rought in M r . Compton ’
s
b reak fast th is morn ing, ‘
I fe l t l ike a w i ld‘
an imal. Ijust wanted to grab his steak and tear it w i th my fingersand teeth .
MAD . P . But you must not i ndu lge your appet i te .
1 96i.
6 M ADAM E PRINCETON ’S TEMPLE OF BEAUTY
MRS . C . It was‘M r. Compton '
s fau l t . H e insistedI shou ld eat .
MAD . P . Any cream in the coffee ?
MRS. C . On l y a spoon fu l .MAD . P . You must obey me i f you expect good
resu l ts. I ’ l l g ive you a doub le dose ofAnt i -fat . And'
you sha l l lunch here tod ay. One sma l l wh i te cracker,
one large p i ck le and a doub le port ion ofAnti -fat.
MRS . C . Mayn ’
t I have a cha lk crayon to n ibb le at.
I ’ l l eat the wax cand les next th ing .
MAD . P .
‘Oh, you may have all the cha lk you want .
Now; go to the gymnas ium . F i rst the row ing—apparatus,then the dumb be l ls and last l y. the sw ing ing r ings .
That ’ l l fetch you round .
MRS . C . I f it doesn ’
t k i l l me. (Ex it D . F . )
EN TER SUSAN,L.
SUSAN . The mutton fatMAD. H i st ! (Wbispers in SUSAN
’ S ear and g ives
meaning look tow a rd D . F . )
EN TER MISS TERW I LL IGER,R .
MAD . P . How do you do,Mi ss Te rw i l l iger ? You
are very punctua l . Some women have no not ion whatan engagement means.
MISS T . (H eavily veiled. ) M adame Pr inceton,my face
pa ins terr ib l y . I am rea l ly a larmed .
MAD . P . I to ld you th ere would be some
pa in . Let me see your face . Remov ing freck les israther a pa in fu l Operat ion
,i f done by the qu i ck method .
(MISS T . r emoves veil,discloses bandage cover ing tbe wbole
of one side of tbc face. MAD . P . r emoves bandage, sbows
one side offace very r ed tbc otber brown. ) It is work ingb eaut i fullyMISS T . (Goes toglass, sbr ieks. ) Oh, horrors ! What
a fr ight ! Oh,Oh !
MAD . P . Be coo l,my dear;
EN TER MRS . C . from D . F .
MRS . C . Goodness,what a start you
'
gave me ! (See?
1 98
MADAME PRINCETON ’S TEM PLE OF BEAUTY .
MISS T . ) Why what on earth are you do ing to thatg i r l ? Poor ch i ld ! One S ide of her face is red as a
beet and the other b rown as a berry .
MAD . P . Really,M rs. Compton
,there is noth ing
the matter . T hat is the way it a lways works,M iss
Terwi l liger .MISST . But my face is on fire
,Oh ! Oh ! And I read
in the paper that a young lady d ied here undergo ingtreatment .
MAD . P . That was all a lie ! I ’ l l never let anothernewspaper reporter interv i ew me as long as I li ve . Come
th i s way for treatment . (Going L. ) Madame Compton,
go back to your exerc i ses. (Exeunt MAD . P . and MISST . ,L. )MRS . C . We l l
,I
’
m g lad I haven ’
t freck les or wartsor wh i skers . I never could stand it to be Sk inned ali ve
,
I know . I’
m so hungry I cou ld eat a jar Of that sk i nfood.
EN TER SUSAN L. Ex it M RS. C .,D . P .
SUSAN . S i l l y l i tt l e goose . She ’
s go ing to be a
b r idesma id and is w i lling to be sk inned in'
order to lookpretty .
EN TER D I CKIE B I RD .
D IC KIE B . Are you the“young lady I spoke to yester
day ?
SUSAN . You are Miss D i ck ie B i rd ?D I CK IE. I am . I have an appo intment at th i s hour.SUSAN . I Operate on the ha i r . Take th is seat . (D ICK IE
seatedfacing L.
”
so audience can bave side view of ba ir and
face; lets down D ICKIE ’ S ba ir,wbicb must be da rk and beau
tiful. ) Oh,what beaut i ful ha i r ! I f I had that ha i r I
wouldn’
t dye it for the wor ld .
D I CK I E . But b londes are so fash ionab l e ! They are
all the rage , you know . (Susan tucking tbc ba rber’
s
apron closely round D ICKI E . ) Does it cause any incon
ven ience ?
SUSAN . Not the least ! You can not appear anywhere for severa l days. (Scream from MISS T . bea rd
ofi L. )1 99
8 MADAME PRIN CETON ’S TEM PLE OF - BEAUTY.
D I CK IE . (B ounding from eka ir . ) Goodness ! What isthat ?SUSAN . Oh
,noth ing . They are sk inn ing a g i r l in
”
there .
D ICK IE . Mercy sakes ! Sk inn ing a g i r l ! That ishorr ib le .
SUSAN. (Laugbs . ) You m i sunderstand! It is t he
comp lex ion t reatment . It takes off the old Sk in,and I
th ink they took it Off that g i rl pretty deep .
-It burnsl i ke fire at fi rst . (Anotber scr eam. )
M RS
/
C . r uns out D . F .
MRS . C . M y nerves just wont stand that !D I CKIE . I
’
m very g lad I don ’
t have to be sk inned.
Ugh ! it makes me shudder . (Gets in. cba ir . )MRS . C . And what are you go ing to have done ?D ICK IE . I
’
m go ing to be b leached !MRS . C . What co lor ?D I CK IE . Why
,b londe
,Of course .
_
MRS. C . Well,i f I had that head of ha i r I wouldn ’
t
b leach it for the wor ld. What lovely ha i r , and M r.
Compton does SO adm i re ha i r .D ICK IE . ( Coquettisbly . ) They all do . (Susan getting
bottles and br usbes. )SUSAN . Are you ready , Mi ss B i rd ?DI CK IE . Qu i te ready .
MRS . C . ( Going D . B .) B i rd ! That must b e D i ck ieB i rd . G iddy th ing ! She ’
s the worst fl i rt in town . Oh
dear,I could eat a raw fro
'
g ! (Ex it D . F . N oise ofpulleys going fur iously . )D ICKIE . What is that fat Old thing do ing here ?SU SAN . Improv ing her shape. She ’
s on Ant i -fat .
D ICKIE . (Sa r castically ) You cou ldn ’
t reduce her
wa i st w i th one of those what do you call’
em mach ines.
She ’
s had her day . Why doesn’t She stay at home w i thher O ld man .
SUSAN . Ne i ther age nor cond i t ion is b eyond the a id
OfMadame Pr inceton That woman can work m i racles.
(D I C KIE is now swatbed in apron and towels till sbe looks likea mu
200
M ADAME PRINCETON ’S TEM PLE OF BEAUTY.
MRS . C . But S ’pose I die r ight here in your p l ace .
Think_
of the__
consequences. One woman did die.
MAD .
“ P . NO,she d idn ’
t .
D I C KIE . Goodness,that woman . makes me nervous .
Ta lks Of“
dy ing in the place. I can ’
t stand th i s anylonger . ( Tr ies to r ise. )SUSAN . (Restr a ining ber . ) Be carefu l
, you 1 1 make
me sp i l l it and thenMAD . P . Susan
,ho ld your tongue .
D I CK IE . I_am a fraid. (M anag es to stand up,
sw atbed
like a mummy ,MAD . and SUSAN suppor t ber . )
MAD . P .
“
Sit down,M iss B i rd. The remedy is as
harm less as water.D IC KIE . I am so nervous
,let me go home . I read of
the .g i r l that near l y d ied here .
M AD . P . (lndzgnantly ) No such th ing ever happened
,I te l l you . She only fa inted.
“
D IC KIE . But papa doesn’
t know what I’
m do ingH e wouldn
’
t approve at all. And i f anyth i ng moreshou ld happen and my name get in the papersMAD . P . Noth ing can happen . How ab surd . ( Tbey
get D I CK IE back in cba ir . )MRS . C . [ am nervous
,too . I f M r. Compton ever
caught me here , Oh dear .MAD . P. M rs . Compton
,I beg you w i ll act rat i on
a l ly . Go back to you r pulleys ! It is aga inst the ru l esfor one pat ient to enter the room where another is b e ingOperated on .
MRS. C . Humph ! I can hear the racket ofallof ’
em .
I ’ l l b reak that Old mach ine . (Ex it D . F . noise ofpulleys violently . )
EN TER MISS MCFADDEN,R .
MISS M CF . DO I have the pleasu re Of address ingMadame Pr incetonMAD . P . (B ow s ) You do . Won
’
t'
you come i n tothe recept ion room ? It
’
Sa m i stake Of the g i rl to Showyou in h ere . Your name ?
’
MISS M C'
F . M iss.
M cF adden . S ince we are here Ith ink we can manage . I have b u t a momen t .
202
MADAME PRINCETON ’S TEM PLE O F BEAUTY .
MAD . P . Did you w i sh to enqu i re about t reatment,
Mi ss M cF adden
MISS M CF . Yes, i f you p lease.
MAD . P . Comp lex ion,perhaps ?
MISS M cF . Exactly ! My Sk in fee l s rather harsh att imes.
MAD . P . You need my crown ing d i scovery,the
wonderfu l Sk in food,fo l lowed by Past i lla d i Pasta .
MISS M cF . I had thought of try ing someth ing of
the k ind. (MAD . P . sbow ing vase of“food. How much ?
MAD . P . F ive do l lars a jar.
MISS M CF . Isn ’
t that rather expens ive ?MAD . P . Excuse me
,it is worth tw i ce the money .
I ought to charge ten do l lars. The mater i a l s are verycost ly, and the secret is inva luab le.
MISS M CF . I ’ l l take a jar ! (Gives money . )MAD . P . (Smiling ) Anyth ing e l se ?MISS M cF . NO
,that is
, yes, my sister has a warton her nose
,wh ich d isfigures her Slight l y !
MAD . P . That can eas i ly b e removed.
MISS M cF . Wi l l it leave a scar ?MAD . P . Oh dea r
,no ! I never leave a b l em i sh ! In
fact I improve on nature in her happ iest moods,to such
a state of perfect ion has my a rt atta ined .
MISS MCF . (H as been w riting in note book . ) Wi ll itbe a pa in fu l operat ion ?MAD . P . Not at all! M y customers actually en joy
the va r ious processes,just as they say men en joy b\e ing
Shaved and hav ing the i r heads rubb ed.
MISS M cF . M y s i ster may come ih— (Lond scr eams
L. ) What is that ? ( Ter r ific cr asb back of fla t. SUSAN
MAD P . Mercy ! What has happened ?D ICKIE . (j umping upfr om cba ir . There ! you ’
ve
sp i l l ed some on my hand ! (Str uggles f7 cc f7 om w 7 aps,tbr ow ing ikem r igb t and left. )MAD . P . ( Tb row ing upbands . ) M i ss B i rd !Mi ss B i rd !
DO be carefu l !D I CK IE . It is b lack as ink . Th i s i s d i sgrace ful, M ad
ame Pr inceton .
203
M ADAM E ‘PRIN CETON ’S TEMPLE OF BEAUTY.
MAD . P . Oh dear,Susan ! Wash it off qu i ck w i th
the sta i n remover !EN TERM ISS TERWI LLIGER
,L.
MISS T . (a ignantly. Madame Pr inceton,I wont
stand th i s any longer ! (One s ide of ber face cover ed by a
tbickplaster tko otber sbockingly _
r ed. M y face 1 5 on fire .
MAD . P . But,Mi ss Terw i l l iger
'
, pat i ence . You w i lllook l ike a baby when I am done w i th you .
EN TER M RS. C pufi ng ,D . F .
MISS T . I’
m b urn ing up. (H ands toface.
MRS . C . Throw water on her,she
’
s afire!
MAD . P . Water,indeed !
MRS . C . She looks l ike a bo i led lobster now ! Did
you ever see such a face ?MISS M CF . B ut -the process is pa in less ?MAD . P . Qu i te so
,her nerves are um-strung ,
poorth ing . (M ISS
'M CF . w r iting in note book . ) What a re you
w r i t ing there ?'
M Iss M cF . On l y your'
address.
MISS T . (Rubbing face. ) Oh,my face ! Wi ll it ever
look r ight aga in ?MAD . P . Don
’
t rub it !
M I SS T . But I can ’
t he l p it !MAD . P . My clear
, you w i ll look l ike a j une rose .
D ICKIE . And my hand, look at the great horr id b lackSpot . (Exposes band. )MAD . P . It ’ l l all come off in a month .
D ICK IE . Amonth,d id you say ! Oh
,I can ’
t endure '
it that long .
MRS . C . Humph,I
’
ve b een starv ing that long . Some
people make a great fuss about noth ing !D ICKIE . But I must go to the char i ty b all nex t week !MAD . P . M rs . Compton
, you have th i rty m inutesyet . The r ings are nex t .
MRS. C . Oh sugar ! Maybe you th ink I ’m a foo l !I
’
m done w i th your old mach i ne . I smashed it w i ththe Ind ian c lub s.
MAD . P . Smashed the machine ! You sha l l pay forit . Indeed
, you shall204
MADAMEPRINCETON’
S
TEMPLE OF B EAUTY.
Shelves
Table
Door
206
A FARCE
BYT. S . DENISONAa tkar of
Odds w i th the Enemy , In i tia ting a Granger , Wan tedf'
a Correspondent, AFam ily,
Str ike , Seth Greenback , Louva , the Pauper , Hans V on Smash,
B orrowing Trouble , Tw o Ghos ts in White , The Pull-Back , Country Justice , The Assessor , The Spa rkling Cup, Ou r Country , Ir ish LinenPeddler , The SchoolMa
’am
,Kansas Imm igrants , An Only Daughter ,
Too Much of a Good Thing , Under the Laurels , H ard C ider ,The Dange r S ignal, Wide Enough for Tw o , Pe ts of Society ,Is the Edi tor In ? The N ew Woman , Pa tsy O ’w ang , Rejected ,
Only Cold Tea , M adam P’
s Beau ty Parlors , Topp ’sTwins , AFirst-Class Hotel, It
’
s all in the Pay-S treak ,
The Cobbler , ADude in a Cyclone , FridayDialogues .
Also tko N ovels ,
The Man Behind, An Iron
CHICAGO :
T . S . DEN I SON ,PUB LI SHER
,
1 63 RANDOLPH STREET
A DUDE IN A C V—C-LON E .
A DUDE IN A CYCLON E .
CHARACTERS .
MA JOR TOWN SLEY,Propr ietor of hotel.
JIM FUN K , a “w i ld and woo l y Texan .
SOLOMON ISAACSTEIN,insurance agent and
“ bromoter.
ADOLPHUS PUTERBAUGH ,from the Manhattan C lub
N ew Yawk .
MRS . TOWN SLEYPATTIE BAGGS .J ACK AND TOOTSIE .
NOTE —The on l y d ifficult part in th is p lay is thatof Sol. Isaacste in . H e is a Jew of the ex treme type .
The best study is that of the typ i ca l Jew trave l ingman who is not nat ive born . Isaacstein
’
s d ia lect is -
oi
course exaggerat ed , as all d ia lect must necessar i ly bein farce . One usefu l h int may be g iven ,
i . e .,try to get
an easy sw ing to it . To pronounce der gom‘
bany w i thn i cety ofuprec is ion Spoi ls the effect ent i re l y . D er is
not p la in da re in Eng l ish . It is more ind i st inct so thatthe d may b e near ly a t. The same remarks app ly to
the d ia lect ;
of Ado l phus.
COPYRIGHT,1 895 , BY T. s. DEN ISON .
208
A DUDE IN A CYCLON E .
ADOLPH . Dweadful! I’
m sowwy (sor ry ) I evah leftNew Yawk '
SOL I . M ine trent , Nye Yor i ck vas a great b lace, butit ish not in it gombared to Dexas.
JIM F . That ’ S what,IsaacSte in . A cyc lone ’
s not.
bad . It’
s a l i tt le exc i t ing ,but rather en joyab le when
you get used to it .
ADOLPH . Wé ally , you don’
t say ! It must be vewytwy in
’
on the nerves.
MRS . T . Townsley,is the door barred secure l y ?
TOWN . Yes, my dear .M RS, T . John
, put someth ing more aga inst it . (Apause. ) You men lean aga inst it .
TOWN . Let the door a lone,can
’
t you !
MRS . B . Oh my nerves,they ’
re tw itchin’ forty ways
for Sunday .
MRS . T . Patt ie Baggs, can’
t you keep st i ll? Thisis a ser ious t ime .
SOL. I . M ine frent , vat becomes of dot goose ?
JIM' F . Oh the goose , that was the strangest th ing
ever heard of. The cyclone b lew that ba rn all to flig
gets and scattered i t over ha l f the county and it actooa l l y left that old goose sett in ’
on the same spot w i thnot a feather on her
,an
’
nary an egg under her.
ADOLPH . D id you evah heah the l ike ?MRS .
_
T . ( To PATTIE. ) Jim Funk cou ldn ’
t stopte l l in ’
stor ies i f old N i ck was at the back door ; hehad ought to be ashamed of h imse l fSOL. I , (Taking out note book to wri .te ) Dot was a
stranche (strange) phenomenon . I w i l l wr i te deminsurance gomban ies to stop wr idin ’
bolici’
es on parus o’ontwr ide dem on gooses. D er gombany Safes mon i es oontI get a gomm iss ion .
JIM F .
’
A cap i ta l idea ! Why,it b lew so hard last
t ime
MRS . T . (P etulantly.) Major Towns ley,can ’
t you
men stop talk in ’
. It’ S a so lemn occas i on .
TOWN . Madam,I haven ’
t sa id a word .
MRS. T . But D i z z ie Jim an’
that JewTOWN . M y dear , they a re guests of the hotel . I
A DUDE‘
IN A CYC LON E .
can ’
t te l l ’
em what to say . Jim Funk , this is a ser iousmatter.JIM F . You bet it is, ma jor .MRS . B . Oh my nerves— is it com in ’
(B rn tflasb
TOWN . (P eeps at crack in door . ) Dark as Egypt androar in ’ l ike Tophet .
MRS . B . Oh ! oh ! I sha l l smother .MRS . T . Patt ie Baggs, keep qu i et. Holler in
’
a intgo in ’
to stop it . M y land , where’
s B r idget an ’ Susan .
(Looks round. ) They a int ln'
; Towns ley , do go an’ fetch
them .
TOWN . It’
s too late now . . I guess they have run
out the baCk way and got in Sm i th ’
s ce l lar .MRS . T . But maybe they haven ’
t an’
they’ l l be
k i l l ed sure.
MRS . B . Oh goodness ! I f you ta lk ofk i l l ing , you’ l lk i l l me dead
,and John
TOWN . (Sever ely . ) M rs. Towns ley,who is talk ing
now ?
MRS . T . But you don’
t do anyth ing . You juststand there as unconcerned.
TOWN . What can I do ?MRS . T . I w ish “
I was a man .
ADOLPH . Th is is puffickly dwedful!SOL. I . I f you blease , macher , a l i tt l e petter l ight .
(Getting closer to candle. ) I wr ides dem ogs ident gom
ban ies to put a goupou on der'
bo l i cy , “ Not good un l essder barty -
vas in der z ellar . Dem gombanTes safesmon ies oont I get a gomm ission .
MRS . T . (Suddenly ) Where’
s Toots ie ?TOOTSIE . I
’
m here all r ight , m‘
aw.
J ACK T . Yes,I fetched her
, you bet . (JACK goes todoor to peep out. n btning and fierce crasb of tbunder .
MRS . T . and MRS . B . scream in concer t. ADOLPH sta r ts
and stumbles, falling ,
drops candle. )JIM F . He l lo there, Puterbaugh . (H elps b im up. )
Lightn ing str ike you ?ADOLPH . Weally I cawn
’
t say. I fee l so shook up.
(F eels bis arms. )
A DUDE IN A CYC LONE;
JIM F .
“
\ Y~ou’
re all r igh t . That a in ’
t a marker towhat we ’ l l get. Why
,last “ cyc lone the l igh tn ing fe l l
in great ba l ls as b ig as your head that danced roundthe ground among the ha i lstones and me l ted
,
awayS low l y— them that d idn ’
t exp lode . (n btning and an
otber crask of tbunder . ) I saw a chunk of it in the chimley corner nex t day .
ADOLPH . (j umping ) Weally, I cawn ’
t stand that,
don’
t you know . I w i sh I’
d nevah left New Yawk .
SOL. I . M ine frent, you was nerfous. H af you an
ogs ident bo l i cy ? I ’ l l wr i te you up. You vas a goot
r i sk,se
‘
e in you Was in der z ellar .
ADOLPH . Weally , my fwend , you aw impawtunate .
I have m e insurance,don
’
t you know ,a lways cawy it
same as me cane.
SOL. I . Dot Nye Yor i ck insurance vas no goot in
Dexas. It hasn ’
t got der z iglone goupon .
JACK . (Going to door .) OhToots ie,come an
’ look .
It’
s just sp lend id. B lack as ink , an’
way off ye l low as
Can be. (TOOTSIE r uns to door . )TOOTSIE . Ain t that j ust. t iptop?MRS . T . (Severely ) Ma jor Towns ley
,do you see
those ch i ldren ?TOWN . M y dear , I see them .
MRS.“ T . Do you want them k i l led ?TOWN . F idd lest i cks ! K eep st i l l
,can ’
t you .
MRS . T . Send them away from that door— if any,
th ing happens !TOWN . (Goes to door . ) Go
,my dears , back to the far
corner ! (Looks out. ) Someth ing w i l l happen ! ' It’
S a
grand s ight ! It’
s com ing l ike a race-horse !MRS . B . Oh
,Ma jor Towns l ey
,do you want to fr igh t .
en us all to death !MRS . T . (Sa r castically ) It
’
s no use try i ng to keepmen st i l l .JIM F . I hope i t Wont b low th is cyc lone ce l lar out
‘
of root . (F earful kissing of w ind w itb ln tning . )ADOLPH . Gwac ious ! do you th i nk i t
’ l l do that ?JIM F . NO tellin ’
! Last_
cyclone
M RS. T . (Sever ely ) Jim’
F unk,can
’
t you keep st i l l ?2 1 2
A DUDE IN A CYCLONE.
’
'
TOOTSIE . Jack,I
’
m'
afra id .
JACK . Don’
t'
b e skart,Toots i e . Paw an
’ me’
s here.
ADOLPH . (Wbo w ill not sit down,suddenly . ) Oh
,I
Say, ma jah,
say , don’
t you know“
! (Goes to TOWN . )He cawn
’
t heah. Ma j ah'
.
TOWN. Speak louder !ADOLPH . ear ) M e twunk !
TOWN .
"(Gr ufly ) What
’
s the matter now
ADOLPH . I fohgot me twunk ,’
don’
t you know .
TOWN , Trunk l. What ou earth do you w ant w i thyour trunk
g
ADOLPH .
. It conta ins all me l inen and t h ings. Letme out ! I must have itW (Looks at w atcb . ) It
’
s the
h0uah to change me t ie .
TOWN . (Restra ining bim . ) M r . Puterbaugh, you can’
t
go out in that storm . Hear the roar ing . ( G7 oanzn cr of
ADOLPH . B ut I Change me l inen tw ice a day , don’
t
you kn ow .
JIM F . (j umping up. ) I’ l l loan you a Sh i rt !
ADOLPH . Thanks aw ful ly, b ut I nevahWeah flanne lbes ides what wou ld you do ,
I say nOw .
JIM F . Do you th ink I have only one sh i r t !SOL. I . (j umping up. ) M ine frent , my vardrobe vas
l imi ted , but i t iS'
at your d isbosal.ADOLPH . T hanks
,aw fu lly , b ut I cawn
’
t' 'w eah per
cale,it
’
s two dweadful! ( To TOWN . ) Don’
t you thinkI cou ld dwag me twunk i nto th i s cave ? (At door .
TOWN . (P usb ing b im aw ay . ) Why, you lunat i c ! you _
wouldn’
t r i sk your l i fe for a trunk wou ld you .
ADOLPH . (H opping 7 ound. ) I’
m dwedfully nervous !I haven ’
t been so exc i ted s i nce the day I thWeatened
to can e Gawge Bowkah in the Manhattan Club . In
Suited me,the cad ! They had to westwa in me
,and all
that . Ado l phus Putehbaughwas the hero ofthe h0uah.
Got hau led Upbefoah the d iwectahs and allthat . Made
me a wepUtat ion as a dan‘
gewous man,don
’
t you know
(Clap of tbunder . Gwac ious ! that’S com in ’
it stWong !SOL. I . (Rusbesforw a rd. Mine frent , v i l you dake
dot bo l icy now ? No d ime like der bresent . Telay is
2 1 4'
A DUDE-
IN A CYCLONE.
tangerous. I te l l you vot I’
lldo. Wb isper s in b is ea r . )Half der gomm iss ion ! (B egins w r iting . ) Gr ist ian name
Ado l phus Age ?TOWN . (At door . ) There goes the roof ! (All j ump
up. )MRS . B . Land sakes
,I
’
m go in’
,too !
MRS . T . (j erking ber back on seat. ) NO you a int !Patty Baggs, don ’
t be a foo l .MRS . B . Oh
,i f John were on l y here !
SOL.
“ I . My tear laty , in d is case d i stance vas der
pest bo l i cy— ex z ept ing a lways der z iglone bo l i cy .
MRS . T . I f the root isgone how w i l l we manage for
d inner,I
’
d l ike to know ?TOWN . (Snor ting ) D inner ! That ’s l ike a woman .
MRS . T . Yes,and it
’
s l i ke a man to say noth ing t i l lhe
’
s hungry as a wolf,and then “
he expects it in two
m inutes.
JIM F . Never m ind,M rs . Towns l ey , we
’
ll get a longsomehow .
MRS . T . Humph ! There a in t a man In the countythat has a better appet i te than you have .
J A CK . M aw al’
ays sa id ’
a t D i z z y Jim w as a dandyto eat !
TOWN . Boy , keep st i ll there .
SOL. I . (P eer ing out. ) Macher Downsley ,dot roof
was gone sure enough . Say , I’
ll dake a gondragt to re
pulld dot hote l on a sca le ofmagn ifiz ence su i tab le tod is
‘
greadt state of Dexas.
TOWN . You a contractor,too ? I though t your l ine
was insurance .
SOL. I . H af you .not my gardt alretty? (Gets card . )
Read dot gardt .
“ So lomon Isaacste in,B romoter .
” Ib romotes eferyd ing from z iglone bolic ies to hodels oont
Shtock gomban ies. Wherefer dere was gomm issions
dere was Isaacste in retty for peesness.
TOWN . Wa i t t i ll we find out the damages.
SOL. I . Mine trent,der b resent is der on ly d ime .
Der bast was b rotested oont der future d isgounted.
’
I ’ l l figger on dot gondragt now oont have an esd imate
v
’
en der z iglone subs i tes. (ADOLPH drops bis candle. )2 1 5
A DUDE IN A CYCLON E .
Dem gandles vasn’
t equa l to such an occas ion as der
b resent ; Macher,haf you consiteret dot b roposit ion
for elegdr ick l ights in d is z iglone z ellar ? ( Tr emendousflask and splitting tbunder .
ADOLPH . (Wbo w as nervously try ing to ligb t bis candledrops itpanic str icken ) I say now th i s is gett in
’
to be a
b eastly boah .
SOL. I . Freut Puterbaugh , allow me . (Ligb ts ma tcb . )You vas stand in ’
in your own lighdt my tea r s ir.
ADOLPH . I Shou ld say that I’
m standIng In me own
da rk . (Laugbs . ) Aw ,wathaw good joke that , b est I
’
ve
made s ince I left New Yawk . You cawn’
t make a good .
joke in th i s blawsted country . Climate so vewy de
pwessing. We’ re an awfu l l y Wltty lot of chaps in the
Manhattan C lub .
JIM F . (At door . ) How is it outs ide,ma jor ? (J
and T . look out intently . )SOL. I . (Ligbting A.
’
s candle after some tr ouble. ) Der
g l imate vas hart on matches In Dexas. M ine frent,a
goot shoke is ter best don i c for te nerfs exceb t a z iglone
b oli cyADOLPH . I say now M istah— ah
,I Cawn
’
t qu i teWecall yonah name.
SOL. I . So lomon Isaacste in,Bromoter
,Nye Yor i ck
oont San F ran z isco . (Confidentially ) Let me make a
b ropos it ion ,der macher vas a li ttle slow .
ADOLPH . H e keeps a b east ly p lace heah,don
’
t you
know .
SOL. I . (Entbusiastically'
w itb tbc few gestures of tbecomicpaper s. ) n actly , ogz actly , but petter oxpress
'
ed
dan I could oxpress It . D is b la'ce vas not upm it der‘
d imes even for Dexas.
“
It n eeds elegdr ick lights (suddenly str uck by idea) oont , py chorge , (slaps A.
’
s sboulder
till la tter stagger s) vat you say ~
to pilliarts in d is
z ellar ?
ADOLPH . By~Jove ! Good idea ,
don’
t you know .
SOL. I . Sugchest i t to Macher Downsley . My prudder Ab e Isaacste in makes pilliart dab les. H e g i ves at iscount of dwenty per z ent to der drade , put I makes
Abe gif me sefenty-fife per z ent . I ’ l l t ifide dot gom
2 1 6
A DUDE IN A C YCLONE.
JIM F . No,M rs. B aggs , I don ’
t see no cyars, but i fthere doesn ’
t go half a m i le 0’
track sa ilin’
along“
overthe
‘
tree tops.
MRS . B . Mercy on a us ! I’
ll bet -
the cyars isw recked
an’ John ’
s hurt . Oh Jim
JIM . Don’
t be skeared,mom ! The cyars d idn
’
t get
into the cyc lone,on l y the locomot i ve . It
’
s st i ll runmin ’
nateral as l i fe . The fi reman ’
s heav in ’
in coa l .ADOLPH . I weally cawn t get back to
-New Yawkw i thout me twunk .
SOL. I . Ton’
t co pack py Nye Yor i ck yet , m inefreu t . You haf not seen half ter peaut ies of dis great
gountry alretty .
JIM .T . There it ’s about over now. Major Towns ley,
I’ ll b et three to one that old mu le doesn ’
t get backins ide three days. It took
_
him two days . last t ime an’
he’
s g i tt in'
old an’
st i ff . ”
(Gets ligbter . )SOL. I . ( To ADOLPH . ) M ine frent
,
- dot was ai
coot
pet . We’ l l make upa l i ttle z ind igate oont dry it. .Jim ,
I dakes ten tollars vort of dot pet , hants town . (Gets
MRS . T .
'
Townsley,is the hote l gone ?
TOWN . (Unba r r ing door . ) No,on l y the roof and
the ch imneys. Jim has been exaggerat ing s l ight l y .
SOL. I . I suspected oxacherat ion . I’
ve pin derepefore . (Str uck w itb idea . ) Py crac ious
,
“ I ’ l l ket upan
oxacherat ion boli cy tor_
d is gountry . It woq b e a
vortune b roperly hantled‘
. (T . opens door . )MRS . T . (Going toward door . ) R oof gone and d inner
ru ined .
ADOLPH. And my twunk gone to the bow wows,an
’
it’
5 ha l f an howah pawst the t ime to c hange me linen.
(Allgoing'
R . ,SOL. last, making notes.)
SOL. I . (Calls ) Mr . Bewtera gh! M r . Bewter
paugh ! (Over takesA. I ’ l l find dot drunk for a slighdt’
atvance , cash town .
QUICK CURTA IN .
2 1 8
S 1 1 in the ay treak
ACOMEDY IN THREEACTS
BYT. S . DENISONAutbor of
Odds wi th the Enemy , In itiating a Granger,Wanted
,a Correspondent , A
Fam i ly S trike , Se th Greenb ack ,Louva ,
the Pauper,Hans V on Sm ash
,
B orrowing Troub le,Tw o Ghosts in Whi te , The Pull-Back ,
Coun try Justice , The Assessor , The Spa rkling Cup, Our Country , Ir ish L inenPeddler
,The SchoolM a
’
am,Kansas Imm igrants , An Only Daughter ,
Too M uch of a Good Thing , Under the Lau rels , H ard C ider ,The Dange r S ignal
,Wide Enough for Tw o , Pe ts of Soc iety ,
Is the Edi tor In ? The N ew Wom an , Patsy O ’w ang, Re
j ected ,Only Cold Tea ,
M adam P’
s B eauty Pa rlors . Topp ’sTwins , AFirst-Class H otel, It
’
s all in the Pay-S treak
The Cobbler , ADude in a Cyclone Fr idayD ialogues .
Also tbe N ovels,
The Man Behind, An Iron
CH ICAGO :
T . S . DEN ISON,PUBLI SHER
,
1 63 RANDOLPH STREET .
I T ’S ALL IN THE PAY STjREAK.
IT’SALLIN THEPA STREAK.
CHARACTERS.
JOHN LAWTON .
FLOSSIE,his young daughteriis son ,
an outcast .
accepted lover .JIM ROGERS
,a l ias Pay S treak , a rust ler.
MOLLIE BAKER,alias The Rocky Mounta in Grouse.
RACHEL,old fam i l y servant ofLawton ’
s.
Time of play i ng ,one bour
, for ty minutes .
PROPERTIES .R ing for F lorence , money
,arch i tect ’s p lan
,twopis
to l s,d i shes
,towe l s
, sk i l l et,stove for cab in
, gnu ,card
tray,card
,oranges in basket , two cots, b lankets, news
paper,cartr idge belt .
COSTUM ES.The costumes of th i s play are all Of the day ex
cept the make-upof ROGERS and VAN CE in the moun
ta ins,Act I I . These are : B rown coarse overa l ls and
b louse or roundabout . (Blue w i l l answer,but is not
r ight . ) Cartr idge be l t when worn I S heavy and fu l l ofcartr idges ; S louch hats, b lack or wh i te
,to taste ; very
heavy boots (not shoes) , very dusty ; overa l ls may be in
boot tops or not ; for var iety , one each way wi l l do.
VAN CE may have very long wh i skers or stubb le . PAY
ST REAK is more juven i le and may be shaven . Face veryb rown . C loth ing greasy and smeared w i th c lay .
HIN TS ON PRESEN TA TION .
Th is p lay has been wr i tten from m in ing l i fe and
hote l l i fe as the author has actua l l y found It except
COPYRIGHT ,1 895 , BY T . s. DENNISON .
220 g
IT’
SALLIN THEPAYSTREAKAc t 1
WindowP iano
Table
Door
WindowStove
0 Chair
Door
Act III
Doors 0 cm
IT’
SALL IN TH E PAYSTREAK.
“
SCEN E— H ome of tbe Law ton ’
s,entrance R . and L. in 1 .
Window in fla t C . ,piano upL. by flat, sofa upR .
,
table down L. C . w itb cba i r s. P or tra it of lady onflatR . of w indow
,flow er s on mantelpiece R . fn tbisplay
L. always meansLI,and R .
,R I . D iscover ed as cur ta in
r ises,F lossie r eading note. Lamp ligbted on table.
FLOSSI E . What am I to do? (Reads )“Meet me a t
e igh t at the old oak by the spr ing . The poor boydoesn
’
t know that the grove is cut down and the who lep lace bu i lt upw i th cottages . F ive years s ince he left
,
and we thought he was dead. H e must be desperateto come back l ike th i s and take the chance ofmeet ingfather . Poor boy ! Papa is so un re lent ing . SnappedRache l upfor even men t ion ing Herbert ’s name once .
And he was a lways Rache l ’s pet . Oh,i f she doesn ’
t
find him ! I ough t to have gone myself, but I was a fra id .
He’ l l th ink that I
,too
,never forgave him . (M oves
nervously. ) I can ha rd l y wa i t t i l l Rache l returns. I fshe doesn
’
t find him
EN TER MR . LAWTON,R .
LAW . Daughter , is my paper here ?FLO . It is on the tab le
,papa . (LAW . sea ts by table. )
LAW. Rache l is very care less late l y . I a lways wantmy paper in the lib rary . I
’
ve spent ha l f the t ime I hadto read look ing for it.FLO . I
’
m very sorry,papa .
LAw . Florence, you don
’
t ho ld a very firm re in .
The servants ri m the house . (Reading )FLO . But papa
,Rache l has been . here ever s ince I
can remember . Why Shou ldn ’
t she manage ? She
223
I T ’S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK .
knows everyth ing about housekeep ing much better
than -I.
LAW . You are too easy,ch i ld . Your mother a lways
a l lowed herse l f to be imposed on through sheer goodnature.
FLO . Why,papa
,nobody imposes OII me . Rache l
is -
a lmost a mother to me.
LAW; You must b e firm . It may do w i th Rachel,
but the others (looks up. ) Why Floss i e,b less me
,
what'
a i l s you ? (FLO . w ipes eyes. ) I d idn’
t mean to
sco ld,but rea l l y— there now
,never m ind . Perhaps I
spok e too sharp ly.
FLO . Dear fat-her, you have a lways been so good ,
but (pause )LAW . (Gaz ing at ber . ) But what
,F loss Ie ? Don ’
t
mind me. I forgot that you are scarcely more than a
ch i ld .
FLO . (W'
itb sln t opposition . ) I’
m not a ch i ld . I ame ighteen . I wan t to b e treated as a woman .
LAW . (Laugbs. ) Very Well, Miss F lorence Lawton ,what does my young lady want ?FLO . I want (nervously ) I wan t a great dea l .LAw . All young lad i es do nowadays. Anew gown ,
or d iamonds poss ib l y ?FLO . Can
’
t a woman th ink ofany th ing bes ides dress ?LAW . Some women can ’
t .
FLO . I f mother were l iv ing and asked you some
th ing ser ious l y, you wou ldn
’
t treat her that way .
LAW . (R ises takes ber bands tenderly . ) Chi ld thereis someth ing on your m ind
,speak freely . As I see you
b efore me,I see the image of your dear mother . Flos
Sie,when you ask
, you ask for two.
FLO . Then,dearest papa
,may I ask a very— very
great favor ? SO great that —'
I’
m a fra id to ask i t .
LAW . (Ser iously ) Why,my Ch i ld
, What is the
matter ?FLO. (Looks at b im intently . ) Noth ing much . (Witb
feeling . ) Dear papaLAw . Speak out . Am I such an ogre as to fr ighten
my own chi ld. Why make so much ado about it ?
224
IT’
S ALL IN THE PAY ST REAK .
RACH . I’
m a fra id not ,M is"
S'
F-lossie.
FLO . Is he ‘
so changed ?RACH . H e looks th in an ’
t i red l ike .
F LO . Poor Herbert ! D id he ask about me or papa ?gRACH . You first ! The poor ch i ld was wander in ’
round like a stray sheep . H e d idn ’
t know that the old
p lace. was sold for lots. It seemed to make hIm sad.
FLO . Rachel,what shall we do ?
RACH.
. D id y ou“
speak to M r . LawtonFLO . Yes , and papa fr ightened me . H e seemed SO
b i tter— and so hurt .
RACH . I ’ ll te l l him I th ink he is too harshFLO . No
,Rache l
,leave that to me
RACH.
“
Then Herb i e w i l l ha ve to wa i t . I f you dOn i tmi nd my say in"it
,he d id act pretty bad .
FLO. But we must forg i ve , always , Rache l .RACH . Land ,
haven ’
t I cr i ed for him many ’s thet ime! Your mother and I often spoke of him —between
ourse lves.
FLO. Where Is he now ?
RACH . In the‘
k itchen .
FLO . I ’ l l see him here . H e Sha l l never say tha t hison ly s ister rece ived him in the k itchen
RACH . But the r isk,M iss F lorence .
FLO . Papa is at the l,
odge and I expect no one thiseven i ng .
_
H ow does he look,Rache l ? Do you think
I ’ l l ‘ know him?
RACH . I guess not . In fact,he
’
s desprit Shabby.
FLO . Then .we must g ive him some c lothes. Papahas p l enty , and I th ink they are about of a S i z eRACH . Yes , I th ink they be . Sha l l I fix him upa
l i tt l e ?FLO . Yes
, get papa’
s last year’
s
‘
gray su i t . I ’ l l bethere in
'
a m inute I ’ l l see What money . I have. ( Takesoutpur se Ex it RACH . L. ) Dear me ! I
’
veonly a p i t iful two do l lars and some s i l ver . I
’ve been too extrava
gant
EN TER HARYEYVAN CE,R .
VANcE.
'
Good even ing , F loss ie.
IT’
S‘ALL IN T HE PAY STREAK
FLO. (D rops pur se. ) Oh,M r. Vance
, you start ledme .
VANCE . (Gallantlypicks uppocketbook . ) M ister Vance!
You a re very “ forma l . I _used to be Harvey .
FLO . (Emba r rassed ) But I d idn ’
t expect you .
VAN CE . Of course not. I thought I ’
d surpr ise you .
(N otices Why,Floss ie
,are you i l l ? You a re
t remb l ing l ike a lea f . (B e seated,ofl
'
er s to belp ber to aseat; sbe gently r epulses bim . )FLO . (H esitates. ) I d idn ’
t expect you .
VAN CE . I don ’
t see why my sudden appearanceshou ld affect you that way , s ince we are to be marr i edin a month .
FLO . Pa rdon me, Harvey . .I— I think IVAN CE . (Anx iously , ) M y dear , you are i l l ! Do
’
s it
down . (Sbe r efuses’
as befor e. )FLO . I am not i l l— on l y eflor t) I am cross
to -n ight .
VAN CE . (Laugbs ligbtly. ) I f that is all I ’ l l ta lk youinto a g ood humor . I have the p lan of our new house
here . It w i l l be the finest on the h i l l . I’
ve had that
sta i rcase changed . I w ish to see i f it meets your approva l . It m ust go to the contractors by to-n ight
’
s
ma i l ; that’
s why I came.
EN TER RACHEL,door L
,tben about to w itbdraw suddenly .
FLO . Rache l !RACH . M i ss F lorence ? (P utting in bead again . )F LO . I
’
llg ive,
the orders later .RACH . Yes
,M iss ! (Ex it )
VAN CE. (Sits at table. ) Sit down ,Floss ie . This
’
planhas been a l tered S inceFLO . Harvey
,p lease— J cannot look at the p lan to
n igh t !VAN C E . Why not ?
FLO . I am'
not in the mood. Excuse me p lease .
VAN CE . But it must go immed iately !FLO . Send it ! I don ’
t care about the changes !VANC E . But you did care.
FLO . I don ’
t care now .
22 1
I T ’S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK .
’
VANCE (Anx iously ) Don’
t care now O ur oWnhouse ? Why
,F lorence !
FLO . I mean I can ’
t look at it now .
VAN CE . (Rises. ) F lorence, don’
t you th ink you are
just a l i tt le b it capr i c ious somet imes ?
FLO. (N ervously ) Perhaps ! Why not ? Must a WOJman sm i le a lways ?VANCE . F loss ie
, you don’
t want to see me to-n ight ,that is p la in .
FLO . Harvey, you men are- so exact ing .
'
There are
t imes when one wants to —to. be let alone.
VAN CE . There now ! We’
ll not quarre l . We havenever quarre l ed yet , I though t you ’
d l ike to see me
I mean the p lan . But you don’
t .
FLO. Why don ’
t you Show it to papa ? He’
s at the
lodge . GO and meet him.
VAN CE . I don ’
t th ink he is interested in,it very
much . But I guess I ’ l l try it .
FLO . (P leased ) Oh,do Harvey .
VAN CE . F lorence,e xcuse my though t lessness. I have
intruded . I beg pardon . I see there are t imes Wheneven a man
’
s sweetheart i sn ’
t interested in his p lans.
FLO . (Coax ingly . ) Harvey,don
’
t be absurd .
VAN CE . I am not absurd. I’
ve on l y been thoughtless
,that ’s all. (Goi ng R . Good n igh t.
FLO . Good n ight . (Goes to door w itb bi .m I ’m so
sorry . (Ex it VAN CE , R . ) There ’
s a narrow escape andwhat w illHarvey th ink ofme . I have actua l l y been rude .
Why,he left his p lan a fter all! (GoesL.
,callsRACHEL . )
EN TER RACHEL,L.
FLO. The coast is c lea r,Rache l
,
'
I actua l ly fee lgu i l ty . Ifpapa shou ld returnRACH . Sha l l I b r ing him in ?
FLO . Yes, be qu i ck . (Ex it RACHEL , L. ) I must get
him away . To th ink that he must be dr i ven like a
tramp from his own home .
EN TER HERBERT,L.
’
H e advances and tben stands w itb
down-cast took .
228
IT’
S'
ALL IN THE PAY STREAK.’
Wi ll ”
forg ive me .
“ When I took mother ’ s j ewe ls— thatturned his heart to stone .
FLO. Dear brother,I w i l l w in him over
’
if you give
me t ime. But he must know that you have tru l y re
pented . What are you do ing now ?
HERB . God knows,I am trying . I have had hard
l uck . I came to the door l ike a tramp . And here I amin b is c lothes. I
’
d sooner b eg than take them,but
Rachelmade me put them on .
FLO . But you have been earn ing someth i ng .
HERB . (B itter ly . ) Someth ing ! Yes, fi fteen dollarsper month in a livery stab le
‘
and s leep in the Stab l e.
FLO. Oh Herbert !H ERB . And I lost that job three months ago . T imes
were so hard they cou ldn’
t keep me.
FLO . Have you no money ?HERB . (B itterly ) Money ! and out ofwork so long !
Florence, you don
’
t know the wor ld .
FLO . I ’ l l g ive you some . But I have so little,
'
onlytwo do l lars. Take that . (Gives money . )HERB . (Smiling ) I suppose you ’ l l th ink I want to
work the fam i ly for money . That is about all I everd id .
FLO . Nonsense,H erb ie . I on l y w i sh '
I had more.
Isn ’
t there some fr iend ?HERB . Fri end ! (Laugbs bitterly . ) F r iends ! M ine all
qu i t me when my money Was done.
FLO . Suddenly . ) Oh,I know of one
,he ’ l l he l p you .
HERB . I haven ’
t a fr i end In the wor ld. Who is he,
Floss i e ?FLO . (H esitating . ) A fr iend of— of the fam i ly , A
good fl iend .
HERB . (P ause,be r ega rds ber . AV ery good fr iend
FLO . Yes, the nob lest fr iend i n the wor ld.
HERB . (Smiling ) I b eg in to see , l i tt le S i ster . Goingto marry him ?FLO. Yes
,next month .
HERB . Lucky fe l low !FLO . And then papa w i l l be lone l y and he mayI ’ l l try my best .
230
I T ’S A LL IN THE PAY STREAK.
HERB . H e never w i l l,hot for years anyway
,i f ever
Who is your fr iend ?FLO . Harvey Vance . You don
’
t know him. H e is
a new man who started a carr iage factory here . He
doesn’
t even know that I have a b rother .HERB . You had better te l l him
,Floss i e. Don
’
t
keep anyth ing back . H e m igh tn’
t like it i f he heardafterwards from some one e lse .
FLO . I don ’
t l ike to speak aga inst you .
HERB . Then just say there is a b lack"
Sheep in thefam i ly . I f he wants to know more
,he ’ l l ask .
FLO . Oh,he is so honorab l e
,he
’
d never ask ; and
he ’
ll he l p you .
HERB . I’
d rather work my own way. I look prettywell in these c lothes
,though they are not exact l y a fit .
The governor is stouter than he used to be.
FLO . Papa is very We l l and strong .
HERB . (Laugbs. ) Yes, and I imag ine it wou ldn ’
t
be hea l thy for me —if he caugh t me here .
FLO . Oh no,and— I can ’
t tell you— but you must
go ; And you must leave town,too .
HERB . I can ’
t leave town on two dollars un l ess Itramp it . And that puts me back beyond hope . I f Icou ld on l y get to Ch i cago . T imes are improv ing and Im ight get work .
FLO . How much do you need ?
HERB . I cou ldn ’
t do w i th l ess than twen ty do l lars.
FLO . And I’
ve b een such an ex travagan t l i tt l e goose .
I’
ve spent allmy money . M y jewe l sHERB . (Sta r ting ) Jewe ls ! My God , don
’
t ment ionjewels !
.FLO . Pardon me Herb i e,I forgot .
HERB . Rache l a lw ays has money .
FLO . But it is all in the sav ings bank . She deposited to dayHERB . I ’ l l wa i t t i ll to-morrow .
FLO . NO,no
, you must not wa i t t i ll to-morrow .
You must go to-n ight .
HERB . (B itter feeling r etu r ning ) But why are you
all so anx ious to get r id of me . I ’ l l go soon enough.
2 3 1
IT’
S ALL IN THE PAY sTREAK .
FLO . I can ’
t tell yOu ! PapaHERB . (Sta r ting ) I remember now .
Pr i son ! H e threatened me . No,there is no p lace here
for me .
FLO . There isno way but the j ewe ls. Papa gave m e
a neck l ace .
HERB . Never ! I’
ll never touch his money a fter thatthreat. I ’ l l tramp first . . Perhaps be ’
d like to have hisson a tramp. Perhaps the peop le of th i s town Wou ldlike to “
see me further d isgraced , curse them .
FLO . Herb ert ! He rbert,
’
how can you speak so ? But
you must go .
HERB . Yes,I must go . H a ! ha ! I
’
llgo . The gov
ernor w i l l soon be b ack from the lodge and he— no Ican
’
t say a nyth ing aga inst him for I have w ronged himtoo deep ly . ( P ause
,looks a t ber r ing . ) F lorence , that
rIng ls worth one hundred d o l lars. I cou ld easy gettwenty on it .
FLO . B ut that is bis r ing , my engagement r ing. Icouldn ’
t part w i th that .
HERB . No,of course not F loss i e . Forg ive me for
suggest ing such a th ing . I 1 1 try to get a long some
how .
FLO . Go to the next town,keep qu i et
,and I
’
ll send
the money .
HERB . Everybody knows me there .
EN TER VAN CE,R.
,unobserved, stops surpr ised.
FLO. Of cou rse ! I cou ld meet you somewhere .
Vance surpr ised stopsHERB . That m igh t be arranged ,
b ut where ?FLO. I ’m a fra id I cou ldn ’
t get away to m- orrow .
( Vancepuz z led, moves as if to go out.
HERB . Dear F loss i e , I’
ll leave it all to you . Youare my on l y hope . ( Vance str uck w itb suspicion stops ,
tben stands like a statue. )FLO . Herb ert
,I shall never gi ve you up, no matter
what happens. I th ink of you n ight and day . ( Vanceband to bead w itb gestur e of a nguisb . Pshaw ! th is I S not ime for hes i tat ion . ( Takes o/f 7 7ng ) Take this ! I f
232
I T ’S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK.
r i ch in the“Li tt le Lucy lode what d id he do ? Jump
round an’ holler an ’
say , Boys,we
’
ve got i t b igger 1 1an e lephant Nary t ime ; jest sa id , I ’
low i f it ho ldsout we
’ re pretty well hee led . D idn ’
t seem to carewhether it he ld out or not . Bet yer boots I care . I
’
ve
been poor as a church mouse too long not to care . Whatd id I do when I seen the assay wen t $500 to the tOn
Wy , I j ist s l i pped over to ole man Baker ’s p lace an’
ask ed the G rouse i f she ’
d l ike. to. h i tch . I was afra id0
’
that cuss from -Tenderfoot Gu l ch,that Lonesome
Mese . H e’
s struck”
i t,too . What d ’
ye s’pose she sa id ?
“Pay Streak , what does she go to the ton ?
“ Five hund red
,Mo l li e
,sez I
,awfu l anx ious
,fu-r I d idn ’
t know
what Mose’
s assay showed . An says the G rouse,
“I 1 1
think about it , Jim . Called me Jim instead 0’
PayStreak . I co ’
u ldn t stand that,an
’ cust i f I didn ’
t
g i ve her a smack ’
at sounded l ike a g iant capbust in’
.
She d idn ’
t g it very mad,an
’
then I knowed it wa s goodas sett led . (P ulls at tbread and br eaks 7t. ) Cuss thatthread ! I reckon that ’ l l ho ld ti ll Mo l li e takes charge0
’
my traps. (Law ton r aps a t door,w i tb cane
,R . )
PAYS . Come In,stranger !
LAW . ISth i s Vance Rogers’ place ?
PAY S . It is ; step r igh t in ; there a in ’
t no cal l torapat any m iner
’
s door in the Rocky Mounta ins,but of
course you don’
t know that , be in’
a tenderfoot.LAW . Oh
, yes ,“ I know that a miner ’ s door is a lways
open . Are you Rogers ?PAY S . Correct y ’
are ! Squat . (Wipes off—cbair w itbtow el. )LAW . ThlS 1 5 just as good. (Seats bimself on one
“
oflogs , PAYS.
-ou tbc otber . ) Are you the man they ca ll“
Pay Streak ?PAY S . That ’smy sob r i quet (sobr ikwet) , as the ed i tor
’
calls i t . The boys'
called me Pay Streak because'
I’
ve
a way 0’
ask in ’
how w ide the pay streak i s when theyg it to ta lk in
’
about the i r cla ims. I al’
ays look at the
pay streak fi rst. A man’
s the same as a m ine , whenye
’
ve seen the Width of his pay streak , ye’
ve got his
measure.
23a
- I T ’S ALL IN THEPAYSTREAK .
-LAW. It’
s not a bad name,e i ther .
PAY S . Becherlife it a int . Some sense in it. Now i ft hey ’
d ca l led me Lonesome Mose as they do that in'
exo'rab le cuss over in Tenderfoot Gu l ch I’
d a k i l leda few -of them j ist to change my luck .
LAW . I hear you boys have struck it r i ch .
PAY S . B igger’
n a four-hoss team an’
band wagon ,
stranger .LAW . Let me see
,what is your partner ’s fu l l name ?
PAY S . Vance ! Harvey Vance ! The boys ca l l himOld S i lence” ’cause he says m ighty l i tt le an
’
don’
t
ta lk no m in in ’
guff about his c la ims.
LAW . Where does he ha i l from ?
PAY S . I l l ino i s .
LAW . Where is he to-day ? I be l ieve I know him.
PAY S . (j umping up. ) What ! you know my pard ,
stranger ! Now why d id ye go beat in' round the bush ?
That a int a square deal! Why d idn ’
t ye j ISt wa lk in an’
hang upyer hat ? _
Take that there cha i r ! No,
'
bu t ye
must . (Law takes cbai r . ) We ha int much hyur , b ut allwe got b e longs to any fr i ends 0
’
Old S i lence. Senseme
,I mean your fr iend Vance .
LAW . Oh,that ’
s all r ight , no apo log i es.
PAY S . Stranger , I ’
m cussed g lad to see you . Shake !Wy ,
we’ ve been byur two year and never a sou l come
a long that was an old fr i end . I’
ve a whole raft o ’
k in
in M issour i,but none of
’
em dr i fts to th is camp . Youk in bet yer l i ver , pard
’
ll be glad to see ye.
LAW . I hope so,it
’
s a good w h i le S ince I saw him .
PAY S . I’
ll bet my share in the Li tt le Lucy— ah’
w e
was offered last week fur it—that my pardnerha int any fr iends he
’
s ashamed of.
LAW . No,he isn ’
t that k ind .
PAY S . That ’s stra igh t ! ye can’
t te l l me noth in ’
about him an’
his _ outfit . Any th ing he says goes , on
th i s h i l l . That ’
s’cause he doesn ’
t say much .
LAW . Where is M r . Vance to-day?
PAY S . I was j ist wonder in’
myse l f , when you
dropped in . The gun a int gone so I ’
low he i s ’
nt far
away .
235
I T ’S A LL IN THEPAY STREAK .
LAW. Cou ld I have a short ta lk w i th him pr i vate l y ?PAY S . Cou ld you talk w i th himpr i vately ? Stranger ,
ha in ’
t I j ist sa id th isp lace was your ’n . When he comes
I’
llvamoose qu i ck,savvy ? I ’
low he’
s out at the Lucylook in ’
at the truck . Pa rd,it
’
s good fur sore eyes tolook at that truck
, $500 to the ton .
LAW . I m igh t wa lk out and meet him,i f you don
’
t
ob j ect.
PAYS. Object ! Stranger , really ye ’ re not talk in ’
on the square. H ow cou ld I obj ect . Wy ,the moun
ta in ’
s'your
’
n ! Everyth ing in s ight is your’
n !
LAW . Thank you ,Pay Streak ! By the way , what
is your fu l l name ?
PAYS . Rogers ,]im Rogers. I’
lltake ye to the Lucy.No
,I recken you want to see him pr i vate , (Goes to
door .) Well , fo l ler the path stra ight ahead about two
hundred yards.
LAW . Thank you ,M r. Rogers. I
’
ll see you aga in .
PAY S . K rect . (Ex it LAW R . ) I’
llbet he’
s a finan
cer an’
wants to buy the Li tt le Lucy . We l l,he can ’
t .
She has a pay streak wuth ta lk in ’
about,two feet w ide
an’
five hundred to the ton . (Looks out. ) G reat guns,i f they a in t lad i es a com in Wonder i f they ’ l l stophere fur a dr ink 0
’
water or anyth ing ? I ha int been 1 n
society sence I l eft M i ssour i . I ’ l l b e shot if it a int theG rouse an — an a strange lady . The G rouse is com in ’
to take us by s’
pr ise . Th i s p lace is in a n i ce ruct ionfur company . Ha int made my bed yet . (Runs to bed
R,tur ns uptbc blankets and tr ies to smoot/z out t/ze pillow . )
That. p i l lar ’s harder ’n one o’ Lonsome Mose
’
s fiapjacks .
(H ammers atpzllow . Ough t ter been filled at the saw
m i ll long ago . An ’
that towe l a int been washed fura month . (F lips towel under t/i e bed. ) I
’ l l git one o’
Vance ’
s towels . ( Takes clean tow el out of cupboa rd a nd
bangs it across eka ir back ) Pard’
s a purty good cookbut he a int in it wash in ’
d ishes . Them plates lookstough . (P icks upplatesfr om table
,drops knife, picks t/zat
upand dr ops pla te,wkic/z br eaks . ) Damn it ! (P icks up
pieces,tbrow s tk
’
e w bole into cupboa rd w itk a bang ,closes
door . ) Look at that sk i l let,an
’ fr ied on ions,too
,
236
IT’s ALL I_N THE PAY STREAK .
s’pose the lady knows about your l ingo. (To FLO.)The Li tt le Lucy ’
s a m ine .
FLO . (Laugkimg I shou ld be de l ighted to seeLucybut I can not to day, thank you .
PAY S . Oh well any day.
’
1 1 do. Bes ides my pardner
,I reckon he cou ld ta lk to ye . He
’
s a lady ’
s man .
FLO . (N ervously . Oh no ! I saw the m ines atLeadv i l le. I just wanted to say that
'
there’
s a man lookingfor
h
M r .
-l
for your partner andPAY S . Yes
,Miss
,I to ld him where to find him .
FLO . (Try ing to,
appea r calm. ) You to ld him ‘M issBaker
,they musu
’
t meet.
GROUSE . Now you bave done it, Jim. They were
look in ’
fur each other .PAY S .
'
Ho l y Moses ! How did I know they Waslook in ’
fur each other ?GROUSE . Pay Streak , have you been
'
in the moun
ta ins five years an’
don’
t know what a man means whenhe
_
says he’
s looki’
n fur somebody ? You don’
t know‘
enough to pound sand in a rat hole .
PAY S . (Scra tcbing kis bead. ) We l l,I don ’
t,lad ies
,
an’
that ’s a fact . Why cuss it ! ( To FLO . ) Excuse me,M iss,
_
I may haf to actooally swear afore this job’
s over.
But how cou ld I know that that s l i ck chap was lookin ’
fur pard ? He on l y sa id he wanted to see him .
GROUSE . We l l,he mustn
’
t .
FLO . Oh no,M r. RogerS
A—I— I can ’
t te l l you whybut they must not meet .
PAY S . ( B ow ing awkwardly. ) Bet yer l i fe you don’
t
need to te l l why .
"
When a lady says she wants a th ingthat ’s enough fur me . I a int askin ’
why . (Admir ingglance at GR .OUSEGROUSE . Then don ’
t stand l ike a dummy . G it a ga i ton an
’
stop ’
em aforePAYS. Wont I , great guns ! (Gets r evolver
'
and belt
front under pillow . ) I’
ll stop ’
em i f I have -to. take a
hand in ‘ the game. myself .FLO . (Ala rmed ) Oh no
,M r . Rogers ! P lease don
’
t
do that !g
PAY No ? Then , I wont . I ’ l l ' j ist2&8
1 T’
s ALL IN THE PAY STREAK .
argy pardner out of i t ; I a int much on talk,but I
’
m
used to him .
FLO . An ’ I ’ l l be so gratefu l !PAY S . Don
’
t ment ion it,Mi ss. (Str uck w it/z idea . )
I ’ l l conv ince pardner an’
then we’ l l both conv ince
tother chap i f we have to pump him fu l l 0 ’ lead to do i t.
FLO . Oh, not that , e i ther . You must not do anyth ing .
PAY S . (P uz z led ) We l l,I ’ l l be— this is a puz z ler .
I g i ve it up.
GROUSE . Why don t you go, Jim ? Don’
t stand therel ike a mud hen on a log .
PAYS . I ’ l l vamoose instanter,savvy ? (Ex its Izastily
FLO . Miss Baker , you ’ l l th ink th is very strange .
G ROUSE . Not a'
b i t,M iss. I
’
ve been thereFLO . (Surpr ised ) But I meanGROUSE . Never m ind. Jim
’
ll stra ighten it all out.And if-you don
’
t want to meet M r. Vance , you’
d bettersk ip r ight off
,fur he
’
s l iab le to turn upany m inu i t .
There‘
ha int been no shoot in’
y et or we’
d hea rd it .
FLO . Oh, I’
m so glad. I ’ l l go now and you wa i tto b r ing me word.
GROUSE . But you may meet tother one on the mound
ta in .
FLO. I want to meet him» One word wou ld fix itall r ight . (Ex it )G ROUSE . We l l
,I never ! These fine lad ies p lay a
b ig game . K eeps both on the hooks t i l l they g it
fight in’
mad an’
then goes tear in’
- round try in’
to make
peace . Humph ! Wants to meet tother one . Well,I
s’pose li e ’
s the one an’ Vance g i ts left . I
’
m aw fu l sorryfor Vance fur he ’
s wkite an’
Jim l ikes him aw fu l we l l .(Sits on table and sw ingsfeet.) That comes o
’
bav in"toomany fe l lers at onct. I
’
ve been there,but I reckon I'
sh i pped Lonesome Mose j ist in t ime . Good Lord,on l y
th ink 0’
Pay Streak an’ Lonesome Mose cavort in
’ round .
the mountam s look in ’
for each other. Why,it makes
Jim hot fur me even to '
ment ion Mose. There ’
s a good
dea l worse than Mose,but I wou ldn ’
t look at him
239
IT’
s A LL 1 N THE P AY. ST REAK .
bes ide Jim. I’
ve been dream in ’
0’
Jim ever s ince weled the ba l l at Cottonwood Pass two years ago lastw inter. I f anything ’
ud happen Jim— well,the Rocky
Mounta in Grouse wou ld ’
nt fly so h igh , that’
s all. But
i t wou ldn ’
t do for me lto te l l him all that . A l i tt l e at
a t ime k ind 0’
keeps a man look in ’
for more an’
thenJ im ’
s sort 0’
gone o-n h imse l f an ’
it wou ld make him
sassy . (Looks out. ) Why , there he comes runn in’
EN TER PAYS.
,R .
PAY S . (Ereatklessly . ) Run all the way an’
back .
Can’
t find’
em nowhere . Where ’
s she ?
GROUSE . Gone. She ’
s a sly one.
PAY S . There yer off yer lead. She ’ l l run away upon assay .
GROUSE . I d idn ’
t mean that. She ’
s play in’
twosuckers at onct
,I guess.
PAY S . I don ’
t b’
lieve it . That woman’
s no co
quette (cokwet) .G ROUSE . Why
,she sa id so herse l f.
PAY S . No !
GROUSE . Fact ! But she ’
s had a lesson . She ’
s run to
the end of the tether an’
she knows Wh i ch ’
un she’ l l
take .
PAY S . Then it ’s my pard , sure .
GROUSE . Ta int nether .PAY S . Why
,tother one is old enough to be herpap.
GROUSE . Don’
t care i f he is. Them c i ty ga ls don’
t
care fur age . They j ist look at the rocks.
PAY S . We l l, pardner
’
ll have p lenty of stuff whenwe g it the Lucy go in
’
two sh i fts a day . Say , G rouse ,why d idn
’
t ye ment ion that to her an ’
say a good wordfur pardner ?GROUSE . Ment ion that ! To her ! Land 0 ’
tw i l ight !It
’
s a heap you know about women .
PAY S . (P uts a rm round ker wa ist. ) I know they aresweeter than all creat ion .
GROUSE . (Wi tkdraw ing . ) Oh, you do, do you ?
PAY S . (Slim/ing closer to ker on table. ) I mean there’
s
one that is ole peaches an ’ honey . (Tr ies to kiss ber . )240
IT’
s ALL IN THE PAY STREAK .
man ,she can ’
t do noth in ’
b ut g it scart an’
Cry an’ carry
on . I do hope he ’
ll git Vance away . It serves her
r igh t , though , to g it a good scare ; she’ l l know how it
is herself. (K nocking a t door,GROUSE sta r ts. ) Come in !
HERBERT at door .
HERB . Whose cab in is th i s ?GROUSE . It
’
s Rogers Vance ’
s,
owners of the
Li tt le Lucy .
HERB . Is M r . Vance a round ?GROUSE . H e a in ’
t fur away , I guess. Wi ll Rogersdo ? H e
’
s j ist gone . I k i n ca l l him back,but .he ’
s ina powerful hurry .
HERB . Don’
t ca l l him,I
’
ll drop in aga in . Cou ldyou g i ve me a dr ink ofWater ? f
GROUSE . Cert ingly , come in ! (HERB . steps inside,ske
gets dipperful of w ater fr ompail,kc. dr inks . )
HERB . Thank you ,very much .
GROUSE . Don’
t ment ion it . (Looks a t kim . ) You’ re
a tenderfoot,I guess !
HERB . Yes,that is
,I have been in Co lo
rado on ly s ix mon ths. They to ld me of this . V ance
over at Dead Man’
s Gu l ch. (Eestsfoot on log . )G ROUSE . D id you want to see him pert ick ler ?HERB . Rather part i cu lar
, yes.
GROUSE . I f it ’sbus iness,Rogers knows.
HERB .
"
It’
s a pr i vate matter . Perhaps he is at the
Lucy ?GROUSE . H e
’
s most l ike l y at the Jumbo . Take the
the tra i l stra ight upan’
it’
s j ist over .the r idge .
HERB . Thank you , I ’ l l meet him perhaps. Good day .
(Ex it H .,R . )
GROUSE . Pr’
aps ye wont . I wonder who'
llbe want in’
Vance nex t ? H e’s peaceab le
,I guess . Wants to buy
the m ine m‘
ebbe . I f he had been an old man— (P ause )G reat Jerusalem ! I
’
ll bet we’ re c l ean off the lead , d ig
g ing away in coun try rock . S ’pose that is the fe l l er’
at’
s lookin’
fur V ance . Tkut gal wou ldn’
t leave no
young feller l ike Vance fur“
an old man . An ’
I’
ve told’
Well,I
’
m a b igger foo l than I sa id Jim was. (Runs
242.
IT’
s ALL IN THE PAY sTREAK .
around. ) I’
m exc i ted now ! Th i s is a case,sure ! Minds
me of the t ime S l im Jim shot C lub Foot Pete fur cheatin
’
at kyards, when papkep’
the tavern at Cottonwood
Pass. Papwas j ist reachin’
fur his gun when Pete k ind0
’
staggered an’
threw uphis hands l ike that , and sayshe . Baker , I ’
m done fur— I pass ’ ’
Them was his lastwords.
EN TER PAYS.
,ex citedly ,
R .
PAY S . I can ’
t find nobody nowhere !GROUSE . Pay S treak , you ’re a foo l !PAY S . (N ettled ) S ’pose I am
,what ’s the use 0
’
te l l in ’
me every five m i nutes .
"
GROUSE . Cause you are , you can’
t see an inch fromyer nose . Wat d id ye say he was an old man
,fur ?
PAY S . Cause he was !
GROUSE . H e a int ether,an
’
we m lght a knowed it.
H e’
s been by ur , an’
he’
s a young feller .PAY S . Ayoung feller look in
’
fur my pardner ?GROUSE . Yes, look in fur
’
him pert ikler .
PAY S . When it comes to that,i f there ’
5 any flyyoung fe l ler
’ r’
ound th i s h i l l look in ’
fur somebody,
he’
llfind a man sure. Mebbe he ’
ll find me a fore he.
qu i ts . I f he wants a scrap,he needn
’
t wear out shoeleather look in ’
fur i t in Ruby Camp .
GROUSE . (Ser iously ) Pay Streak , don ’
t you take
up nobody else’
s rows t i l l ye haf to . You ’ l l find
enough 0’
yer own in th i s wor ld . I’
ve seen more 0’
these mounta ins than you have. Pap kep’
tavern fur
years at the Pass,
an’
I’
ve seen shoot in ’
scrapesenough . I seen Club Foot Pete k i lled , an ’
it’
s an aw fu ls igh t when it
’
s r ight a fore yer eyes.
PAY S ; I a in ’
t a look in ’
fur anybody .
GROUSE . But what ’ l l we do ?PAY S . I don ’
t know .
GROUSE . We’ve got to do somethin
’
.
PAY S . We l l,Mo l l ie
,wat
’
s your idee ?GROUSE . Go down to camp r ight away
,an
’
te l l papan
’
git some 0’
the m iners out . Pretend it’
s jumpersover in the Bas in .
243
IT’
s ALL IN THE PAY STREAK .
PAY 8 . Wi l l you go’ long to camp
GROUSE . No ,I
'
llwa i t byur for Vance. I f he comes
I ’ l l send him to the Bas in .
PAY S .
’
(Going ) I’ l l round ’
em up.
GROUSE . An ’
g ive that strange feller a t ipthat it’
ud be hea l th i er fur him to take the nex t stage back toDead Man
’
s Gu l ch .
PAY S . S tage ! H umplfl walk in’
s good that direc
t ion . (Ex it kur r iedly R . )G ROUSE . Men
’
s a ll foo ls,I guess. F ight in
’
about
c la ims an’
women as i f_
there wasn’
t p lenty 0’
both togo rou nd . Women
’
s b igger foo ls to egg’
em on . Ineedn
’
t b rag , eth er . S ’pose I’
d drawed on LonesomeMose a l i tt le furder
,there ’
d been music in camp .
EN TER VAN CE,R .
VANC E . He l lo,Grouse
, you here !GROUSE . I guess so
, ye see me,don
’
t ye?
VAN C E . I have that p leasure . (Sbe cour tsies . ) Youare wa i t ing to see Jim of course . Where is that boy ,anyway?GROUSE . (Wit/c toss of bead.) Wait in
’
fur Jim . I
guess not . When I wa i t fur a man I wa i t at home .
VAN CE . Of course,M i ss Baker, no offense .
GROUSE . Where in creat ion have'
you been all
morn in’
?
VA N C E . I fe l t out of sorts and I went over to them inera l spr ing to take a good dr ink of that water .GROUSE . I ’ l l bet you are the fi rst man in Ruby Camp
that ever wa lked two m i les fur a dr ink 0’
water .VAN C E . I l ike to watch the s i lver bubb les bo i l ing
upfrom the c lea r depth s .
GROUSE . Well,I don
’
t go much on them s i l ver bubb l es. The s i lver in em
’
s too th in . Did ye meet anybody ?VAN CE . (Laugks. ) Yes, Lonesome Mose go ing to
his c la im . H e looks lonesomer than ever,late l y .
(M ean ing look at ker . )GROUSE. Humph ! Lonesome Mose ! I mean
,d idn ’
t
ye meet nobody at all?
24
IT’
S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK .
VAN CE . S ince she did not want to see me I hard lyth ink I am interested in her beauty .
GROUSE. It’
s too funny that you d idn’
t meet anybody . They ’ re look in ’
fur you all over the mounta into go to the Bas in .
'
Jim sa id ye must go r ight ,
off.
The Leadv i lle outfit is try in’
to jump pap ’
s c la imagm .
VAN CE . I. don ’
t b e l ieve that . It must be a false
report .
GROUSE, But it a int ! Git yer gun and take the
t ra i l . Ye k in git d i nner at_Jack
’
s cab in .
VAN C E . Why Mo l l ie,
- Lonesome Mose was in the
Bas in yesterday and he says the Leadv i lle gang haveall gone .
G ROUSE . Lonesome M ose,indeed !
’As i f papd idn’
t know better about his own c la im .
Wou ld you put Mose Randa l l ’s word upag in’ pap ’
s er
a lady ’
s ?
VAN CE . We l l,Mo l l ie
,I d idn ’
t mean to cont rad i ctyou . I ’ l l enqu i re as soon as I get a b i te to eat .
GROU SE . An ’
yer go in’
to wa i t to eat ?
VAN CE . Yes, I ’ l l take a snack .
GROUSE . Some men’
ud eat i f an earthquake Wascomm".
VAN CE . I can eas i l y catch them before they get toJack ’
s cab in .
GROUSE . An ’
ye wont .go now ? Oh do,p l ease
,
“
M r.
Vance .
VAN CE . I don ’
t see the necess i ty of starv ing .
G ROU SE . I do .
VAN CE . Ever try it ?GROUSE . P lease don ’
t wa i t,M r. Vance .
VAN CE . It won’
t take fi fteen m inutes.
G ROUSE . Well,they ’
s no use try in’
to do anyth ingw i th a man— or a mu le . I
’
ve got to do someth ing .
VAN CE . What ’s the rush ? Ho ld on,M i ss Baker .
GROUSE . I wont ! (Exi t R . )VANCE . What on earth a i ls the G rouse .
“ She a lwayswas a k i tten and I
’
m afra id she has a temper . Jim’
ll
246
IT’
s ALL IN THE PAY STREAK.
have to ho ld a pretty steady re in . (Looking roundforskillet.) I guess that sk i l let has taken w ings. There ’
s
J im ’
s d i rty towe l under the bed and my clean one on
the cha i r back . There has been some one here I guess.
I wonder i f any sneak th ief has pa id us a v i s i t ? (Looksa t JIM
’
s pillow . ) H is revo l ver is gone . (Looks a t kis
own cot. ) Mine is all r ight . (P uts lzispistol on table. )
HERBERT knocks at door .
VAN CE . He l lo stranger ! Come in !
HERB . Is th i s M r . Vance ’
s p lace ?VAN CE . My name is Vance.
HERB .
~
(Advances. Witk meani ng . ) I’
ve been looking for you .
VAN CE . (Surpr ised ) Indeed ! You have found me
it seems . Your bus iness,i f I may enqu i re ?
HER B . I guess you know my bus iness. Alady ’
s honor .VAN CE . (Sta r ting ) A lady
’
s honor ! (Recogniz es kinz . )And you seek me ? So much the b etter .HERB . I come from her to demand an exp lanat ion
for your language and conduct .
VAN CE . (Slowly as if w itk ef or t. ) You come to me,
and from her ? Why, you in famous scoundre l
HER B . Ho ld ! Don’
t waste words,M r . Vance .
What you say of me can be sett l ed some other t ime.
On her beha l fVAN CE . And you insu l t me w i th the ment ion of that
heart less , base woman .
HERB . (Wit/z deep, quiet indzgnation . S top or I ’ l l k i l lyou on the spot . On l y blood can w i peout that insult .
VAN CE . You are r ight . I have wa i ted long for th i smeet i ngHERB . Are you armed ?VAN CE . (Taking uppistol. ) As good a 38 as ever
came to the camp . We’
ll go upinto the p ine woods .
HERB . Why not here in front of your cab in .
VAN CE . We may be interrupted .
HERB . Exact l y ! I am a l ready suspected and warnedto leave camp instant l y .
247
IT’
s ALL‘
IN THE PAY STREAK .
“
VAN CE . Then we must use d ispatch . (Looks out. )There are peop le commg now
,down yonder . Here
w i l l d o as we ll.HERB . As you p lease , I am ready .
VANCE . (Closes door , fastens it w it/z la te/z . ) Take
your place at the door . (V . goes'
to opposite w all. ) I’ l l
stand here. I ’ l l count one, two, tkr ee.
~HERB. Is that fai r ?VAN CE . Then you count .
HERB . I want no advantage . Toss for count .
VAN CE . All r igh t ! (P roduces coin . ) Head or ta i l ?HERB . Head !
'VAN CE . ( Tossing coin on table. ) ta i l !( tosses) head ! You w in . ( Tkey take position . ) I ’ l lpu l l exact l y at three . (At w or d tkr ee
,a scr eam is boa r d
outside. VAN CE fires but HERBERT is disconcer ted and,
stagger ing ,fir es w ild skot. PAY S . bursts door open . F LO .
and GROU SE in door. )PAY S . Stop that
,instant l y !
VAN CE . It is done ! (HERB . g rasping side stagger s . )PAY S . M y God
,he is dy ing . (Seiz es HERB .
’
s arm
and leads kim‘
to bed,R . )
FLO . (Clings to lzim . a t otker side. ) Herbert ! my poorb rother ! Speak ! Herb ert ! ( T/zrow s ber self on cot
,
seiz ing kis bands . )VAN CE . Wko kas stoodlike a statue
,dropspistolmec/zan
ically ,
’
like a man str icken . ) H er b rother ! OhGod,too late !
TABLEAU .
HERB . on cot; FLO . bending ouer kiln“
, VAN CE L.
r ig/i t band on table,kead drooping ; ROGERS back of
r ega rding kim ; GROUSE R . C. r ega rding VAN C E .
CURTAIN .
248Q
IT’
s ALL IN THE PAY STREAK .
FLO. But what do you l ike ? Are you afra id of the
water ?RACH . I don ’
t know . Do they get sea s i ckLAW . Not on the r iver . Florence
,they are catch
ing chame l eons now in the garden .
FLO.
“
Oh,I Want to see them ! (Ex it D . F . )
RACH . So do I ! ( GoingD . P . )LAW . Rachel!RACH . S i r !LAW . Come here
,I want to speak to you .
'
I havemade an important d i scovery .
RACH. Land sakes ! none of the trunks m i ss ing ?LAW . (Laugbs . ) The trunks are all r ight . I
’
ve
found somebody here that Florence knows !RACH . Who ?LAW . That Co lorado partner of —ofyou know whom .
RACH . Dear me ! how ’
d he get so far ?
LAW . He is here on his wedd ing tr ip . In th i s hote l .Do you th ink Floss ie would l ike to meet them ?RACH . I don ’
t know . It m igh t worry her andLAW . Reca l l the old t imes
! Just what I thought .
But then,she m ight b e glad to see them . They were
very k ind to her. Rough people , but good as go ld.
H e is putt ing on style . Best rooms in the house!RACH . Hadn
’
t'
we better keep clear of them for aday or two and sort of prepare her for it ?
_
LAW . But how can you in a hote l like th i s ? Everybody sees everybody e l se . I f we weren ’
t fat igued al
ready , I’
d go on to Lake Worth to-day.
RACH .Then the best way is to ask her r igh t out
whether she cares to see them .
LAW . I know her answer . She ’ ll th ink it a duty .
RACH . The sooner the better then ,I th ink .
LAW . Very we l l,I ’ l l go and ta lk to her. (Ex it D . P . )
RACH . Well a int tha t odder ’
n D i ck ’
s hatband ! The
idee of meet ing peop le from the four quarters of the
globe . These tour i sts seem to keep on forever run
n ing to and fro on the earth . How can they a fford it ?Money g
'
oes‘
like water ! I never dreamed 0’
such ex
pense! (Sees or anges on table. ) And an orange h ere
IT’
s ALL IN THE PAY STREAK.
a int noth in ’
more than a potato wasWhere I was ra i sed.
I’
m go ing to take one ! (Takes orange. )
EN TER HERB,suddenly ,
D . E ; RACHEL , surpr ised, looksguilty and sta r ts out quickly ,
D . P . )HERB . (Ex citedly . ) Rache l !RACH . M r . Herbert— what is it ?HERB . Where ’
s F loss ie ? (Low er ing voice. )RACH . In the garden .
HERB . I must find her at once ! It is very important .
RACH . Yes,I know.
HERB . You know ! Have you seen bim ?
RACH . H im ? Who ?HERB . Why Vance
,of course !
RACH . Mercy me ! M r . H erbert,is he
here ?HERB . Yes
,and may meet her any m inute !
RACH . That m ight g ive her a relapse .
She ’
s aw full y nervous yet .
HERB . I know it . What can we do ?
RACH . We must get her away at once !HERB . I have a d ifferen t idea .
RACH . What is that ?HERB . I ’ l l make him expla in his cond uct orRACH . Oh Herb ie
,please don
’
t th ink of that !Remember what happened b efore ! Those m iners aredreadfulmen ! He
’ l l k i ll you ,sure !
HERB . He’ l l not get a chance ! I
’
ll get the dropand he can apo log i z e or do worse . I
’
llfind him at once .
RACH . Oh Herbert,don
’
t . (Grasps b is a rm . )HERB . Let me go . I
’
ll not endure such an insultto my s i ster . As long as he took me for some one else
he had an excuse,but now that he knows I am her
b rother,his conduct is in famous. (
“
Going D . F . )RACH . ( Try ing to r estra in b im . ) But your father
speak to him fi rst .
HERB . Father wou ld callhim to account i f they met .
RACH . But he would not hurt your father . Theynever quarre l ed .
HERB . He sha l l answer for his conduct .
25 1
I T ’S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK .
RACH . Oh,th ink of her— she loves him yet .
HERB . I am th ink ing bf her. The tra i tor ! (Goesbur r iedly D . P .pusking RA CHEL aside. )RACH. (Ex citedly . ) , What sha l l I do ? Oh
,where is
M r . Law ton ? Another such shock w i ll ki l l her. Imust find M r . Law ton immed iately . (Ex it RACH . rap
EN TER ROGERS and WI FE,L.
,r uns aga inst R .
,and
drops orange.
ROG . Beg pardon ,madam ! (Size never stops. ) Cuss
it,that gal
’
s cra z y .
MRS . R . Jim , you must -qu i t swear in ’
.
ROG . I’
m try in’
my level best . Cuss it i sn ’
t swe'
arin
’
at all. Say , Mo l li e,a int th i s great ?
MRS . R . What ’s great ?ROG .
‘
Why,th i s country an
’
everyth ing . O rangesr igh t on the trees t i l l they
’ re yaller as go ld , an’
strawberr i es in Feb ruary . (P icks orangefromfloor . )MRS . R . I ha int seen any strawberr ies
, Jim . They ’ renot on the tab le .
ROG . Well no,of course not . They go north to
sell . Ye couldn ’
t expect to see’
em on the tab le .
MRS . R . Why not ? What ’s the use of bav in ’
moneyi f it won ’
t buy th ings as soon as other people gets’
em
an’
as good ?
ROG . I reckon that ’
s r 1 ght , but ye see these F lor idypeople figger both .ways. The hote l makes ye pay furthe b err i es j ist the same as i f ye got
’
em an’
then se l ls’
em fur market . Savvy ?MRS . R . I
’
m s i ck an’
t i red o ’
bacon an’ canned stuff
H ad’
em all my li fe in the Rocky Mounta ins .
ROG . But Molli e, j ist th i nk 0
’
the other curnsth i ngs, the pa lmettos an
’
the all igatorsM Rs. R . We can ’
t eat the a l ligators.
ROG . But we k in take-
one home in a c igyar box .
MRS . R . Indeed we won t . It makes me t i red to
see people trott in ’ round w i th a lot 0’ hand bags and
Flor ida canes.
ROG . Made in New York252
I T ’S A LL IN THE PAY ST REAK
anyth ing , but I am d i sgu sted. Peop le talk n i ce to our
faces and l augh at usbeh ind our backs.
ROG . Why,cuss ’
em . I cou ld buy the . who lecaboodle of
’
em .
MRS . R . No, ye cou ldn
’
t, Jim. These peop le have
money,and what ’s more
,they
'
are used to i t,
-
and get
the worth of the i r money travelin ’
. We don’
t .
ROG . Worth 0’
the i r money ! H ow does that oldSkate git the worth 0
’
his money who goes trott in ’
round w i th what . he ca l ls a vally de skamber to put hisc lothes on ? Molli e
,I never want nobody puttin
’
myc lothes on me . Why ,
it a int decent . When I g it as w i thless as that cuss
,Iwant
’
em to take me out an’ lynch me .
MRS . R . But when that” man orders anyth ing , thewa i ters get it at once .
ROG . So they do fur us. I p lunk down a do l lar an ’
they g it a gai t on .
MRS . R . An ’
they laugh at ye a fterwards .
ROG . (Ang ry ) Laugh at me ! How d’
ye know ?
M RS. R . I’
ve overheard them .
ROG . We l l,there ’ l l be a dead n igger
'
if they do itag 1 n .
MRS . R . Jim , you mustn’
t ta lk that way . We can ’
t
b lame’
em . We don’
t know how to act‘
,I guess.
ROG . No,Mollie
,I reckon we a int in it .
MRS . R . Let ’
s go back home !
ROG . All r ight . Vance is t i red of it,too .
MRS . R .
~Vance t i red ? Why,he knows how to act.
H e’s been w i th the best .
ROG . H e’
s s i ck of it. Go in ’
to Europe or some’
ers.
MRS . R . Poor Vance ! I ’
m aw fu l sorry . D’
ye s’pose
he ’ l l ever g it over that shoot in’
of ker b rother .ROG . No ! Say ,
Mo l l ie (confidentially) , I s’pose I
oughtn’
t . to te l l. H e asked me not to b ut tha t ’s whyhe
’
s gom’
so sudden . H e’
s so rest less,he can ’
t stayin one p lace .
MRS . R . I’
m aw fu l sorry fur Vance .
ROG . You bet. I f I was him I’
d get onto that leadag in or burn some powder. I never seen wh i ter people than them Lawtons.
I T ’S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK .
MRS . R . But hOW cou ld they make upa fter that ?ROG . Old man is AI .
MRS . R . H e doesn’
t want to marry the old man !
ROG . N o,but I
’
d have an assay anyway an’
see
i f there wasn ’
t a trace . I f the button wasn’
t b igger’n a
pin-head I’
d fo l ler the lead. As fur the young lady ,she ’
s allpay streak c lean th rough , an’
a thousand dollars to the ton
,an
’ purty as a peach . I f I wasn ’
t taken
a’ ready
,Mo l li e
MRS . R . Now Jim ,don
’
t be s i l l y . You do say suchth i ngs an
’ peop le hear .ROG. Let ’
em hear ! who cares ?MRS. R . I s
’
pose he’
s never seen her sence .
ROG . See in ’her wou ld b e awfu l hard to do a fter
shoot in '
her b rother before her eyes !MRS . R . But it was all a terr ib l e m istake , nobody
was to b lame.
ROG . D’
ye think they cou ld ever forg it that ?MRS . R . Mebbe not
,but I b '
lieve both of’
em
wou ld be better fur bav in ’
a ta lk . Vance is too good
an’
true to go dodg in’
anybody .
ROG . That ’ s what !MRS . R . I w i sh they cou ld meet . She loves him to
death .
ROG . D’
ye think so,Mo l l ie ?
MRS. R . I know it . Why she near ly went out of
her head a fter the shoot in ’
:
ROG . Why cou ldn ’
t I te l l him that ?MRS . R . (Empbatically. ) Don
’
t th ink of such a
thingROG . H i st
,Mo l l i e ! (H e bears VAN CE coming . )
EN TER VAN CE,D . E.
VANCE. Good morn ing , M rs. Rogers !MRS . R . Good morn ing ,
M r . Vance ! I am so g ladto see you . I am so weary of see in
’
nobody but strangers an
’
n iggers day a fter day .
VAN CE. I’
m very sorry then that I have come to an
nounce my immed iate departure .
MRS . R. So ye ’ re go in’
to leave us ?
2 55
I T ’S A LL IN THE PAY STREAK .
VAN CE . (Sadly ) Yes, I’
m sorry,but I— I have
changed my p lans.
MRS . R. Purty sudden,a int it ?
V AN CE . Rather ! We l l, you see
,M rs.Rogers, I
’
m a
nervous,r est less sort of chap . Always w as
, you know .
ROG . Pard , come back to the mounta ins w i th us.
VAN CE . (Surpr ised ) What ! Are you go ing , too ?ROG . Yes, Mo l l i e ’
s g i tt in ’
t i red of soc iety .
VAN CE . I don’
t b lame her . Sucha hurly-burly , come
and-go sort of l i fe as th is is into lerab le.
M Rs. R . I can ’
t bear it .
ROG . The G rouse is all tore upabout it . Says people mak e fun of us. I sa id let me ketch ’
em at it.
MRS . R . ( Warningly ) Jim !ROG . What do I care fur ’
em ? I pay as I go .
VAN CE . Yes,of course .
MRS . R . Pay as you go ! Just as i f money d id everyth ing . They have money an ’
ed icat ion,we have noth in ’
but money.
ROG . Don’
t say that, M rs. Rogers. Ta intso. We have somethin
’
e lse. We’ ve horse sense.
That ’s more ’
n that old ga loot w i th the vally de skamber
kin say . An ’ look at that arm . Aint that someth ing ?I
’
ve dr iv a dr i l l three foot into so l id gran i te in the
Lucy,an
’ I k in do it ag in . An ’
that old g i l ly an’
his
vally de skamber cou ldn’
t both do that in a week , to
save the i r necks.
MRS . R . They don ’
t have to dr i l l ho les in rocks.
ROG . We l l,I ’ l l dr i l l a ho l e in the nex t fe l ler ’
at
laughs at you ,Mo l l ie . An’ I ’ l l make it b ig enough
fur him to put in'
a skylight . Cuss’
em, what do I ca re for
F lor idy, an’
dudes from down East,an
’
ga l s dressed tok i l l . None of
’
em as purty as you !
MRS. R . Jim Rogers !ROG . An ’ i f some 0
’
them dudes a int a ho ly show ,
I ’ l l eat a l i ve alligater .
VAN CE . I th ink you are oversens i t ive,M rs. Rogers.
You ’
ll get used to th i s a fter a wh i l e and l ike it b etter .MRS . R . Harvey Vance , why don
’
t you l ike it then ?It
’
s your own k ind.
256
I T ’S A LL IN “ THE PAY STREAK .
MRS. R.-Why yes—that is
ROG . She ’
s k ick in’
a l i tt le . Ha int got used to
t i pp in ’
everybody u every t ime she turns roundi
. I a in ’
t
car in ’
fur expense .
MRS . R . James,that ’s not interest in ’
to other fo lks.(JIM looks at
_lzer tben at MR . L. )
FLO . I’m so glad to see you, M rs. Rogers, you look
so we l lROG . Look in ’
'
we l l ! I shou ld say . Mo l l ie, I callthat nea t . (Women aside. )LAW . (Laugb ing . ) Rogers, (in kalf aside) you
’ re ingreat luck .
ROG . You bet ! I’
m r igh t on'
thepay streak . Ham’
some b ird and stuff to buy the feathers.
LAW . ,We owe you and your w i fe a great dea l .
ROG . Not a red ! Wy , cuss it , I owe you somethin’
I can ’
t never pay. To th ink I let them fight— it makes
me s ick t o th ink of it . Am I do in ’ r igh t to ment ion it ?LAW. What ’s done is done.
EN TER RACHEL,D . E.
,r unning ,
out of breat/z .
RACH . Oh M r . Law ton !LAW . What is the matter
,Rache l ?
FLO. Rache l,speak !
RACH . I’
m so out Of b reath (gasps) , he’
s look in ’
for
him .
ROG . Who ’
s look in ’
for who ?
FLO. Rache l, you make me nervous.
LAW . Speak Rache l ! What a i ls you ?RACH . I
’
ve run everywhere look in ’
for you. M r .
Herbert is look in ’
for Vance .
ROG . Herb ert ! Wy , he’
s dead !
LAW '
Dead !FLo .
ROG . Yes, the j ewe l (duel) they fit in the mounta ins.
Is that gal craz yLAW . M y son is not dead
,he got we l l .
ROG . Not dead ! Got we l l ! The cussed paper sa idhe was dead .
LAW. Areporter ’s m istake .
258
I T ’S A LL IN THE PAY STREAK .
ROG . We’ l l
,I ’ l l be— that beats me.
FLO . (Soliloquy ) That is why be never came . (Witbanguisb . ) ,
Oh ! oh ! (MRS. R . kelps ber to settee. )LAW . Rache l Where are they ?RACH . I don t know
,s ir. But M r. Herbert has a
p isto l . Oh, they’ l l shoot .
.FLo. That is terr ib le ! Do stop them p l ease ! Qu i ck !ROG . Look in ’
fur’
im w i th a gun . Cuss me i f thatdon
’
t m ind me of old t imes. I ’ l l take a hand I ’
low .
(Cbanges. ) Say , I ha int no gun . Mo l l ie,
I to ld you we ’
d need a gun .
LAW . Run, you a re young . Exp la in . Command
peace.
ROG . Now,how kin a man command peace w i th no
gun . Why,he wou ldn ’
t have no more say than a baby .
MRS . R . Jim ,do go .
" Speak to them .
ROG . Bet yer l i fe I ’ l l try ! (Runs out D . E. )LAW . (Anx iously . ) Daugh ter , have courage . I t ’ l l
be all r ight . What a m istake .
FLO . But I can ’
t see him . Take me to my room ,
papa.
LAW. Yes dear . Tbey sta r t,sbe leaning on b is a rm . )
EN TER ROG . ,bur r iedly, D . P
ROG It’
s all r ight . No shoot in ’
. Here they are .
EN TER VAN CE and HERB,D . F .
HERB . .Yes,it is all r igh t . Father
,we l come M r.
Vance,my fr iend. (L. and V . sbake bands cordially . )
ROG . Mo l l ie,I’
m so aw fu l g lad , I want to ra i se ole
N i ck !MRS . R . Jim ,
be st i ll .RoG . We l l
,it
’
s all r igh t, pard . (Seiz es V .
’
s band. )VAN CE . No
,it is not all r ight yet. It is for the one
most w ronged to say that. ( To FLO . ) M i ss LawtonFLo . Harvey !VANCE . Can you forg i ve me ? (Looks at ber . P ause. )
Yes ?FLO . Yes. (Sbe ex tends ber band g r eatly over come.
Tbey meet aside L.,otber s gatber R . )
259
IT’
S’
ALL IN THE PAY STREAK .
ROG . ( To MOLLIE . I to ld you , Say , M r. Lawton,
th i s is a great country after all. It’
s good enoughfor me.
HERB . There ’
s luck in it,too.
LAW . It is not bad I th ink .
ROG . ( Turns toward V . and F . ) Pard go in’
to"
.
Europe now ?
MRS . R. (P ulls at b is a rm. ) Let’
ema lone !V AN CE .
,Why yes ; w i th M r. Lawton ’
s perm iss ion .
LAW . Vance,I leave all those’
th ings to the part iesinterested .
V AN C E . What do you say , F loss ie ?FLO; Harvey— we— we
’ l l th ink,
it over .ROG . That ’s j ist the way the G rouse ta lked when I
asked her. It’
s a go ! Mo l l ie, git to pack in
’
the
trunks. We’ l l be in the party . (D r ess stage. Looks a t
w a tcb,suddenly cbanges, looks at wa tcb . )
'
.Ho l y Moses !
Mo l l ie,we
’ re to go a fishin’
to-day an’
the boat’
s been
wa i t ing two hours at two do l lars an hour .TA BLEAU .
R . L.
HERB .
,LAWTON
,MRS . R .
,ROG .
,VAN CE
,FLOI
,RACH .
SLOW CURTAIN .
260
THE COBBLER.
TH E COBBLER.
CHARACTER .
THE COBBLER,who wh i le exam In Ing old shoes in
his. shop,d iscourses about thei r var ious owners.
COSTUM E .
The Cobb ler shou ld mak e upas old man, poorl y
dressed , gray wig , spectac les.
copYRIGHT ,I 895 , BY T . s. DENISON .
262
TH E COBBLER.
SCEN E— A cobbler’
s sbop . Sboemaker’
s bencb and kit,
sbelves,empty dry
G oods box,twopaper sboe box es
,roll
of leatber leaning in cor ner,lasts bang ing on wall
,old
sboes scatter ed about and scraps of leatber onfloor,old
cba ir w itb one leg broken . P encb w ell dow n C. so cobbler
can move round freely in sbop . Cobbler w itb apron and
make-upto suit.
COBBLER . (As cur ta in r ises is bammer ing a piece ofsole leatber on b is lapstone. ) That so le ’
s got to be'
j istr igh t , 31 st so th i ck an
’
no th i cker . It’
s fur LawyerBoyd and I ’
low no more part icklerer man l ives th is s ide0
’ Jordan . Always k ick in ’
about someth ing . Sa id thelast pa i r 0 ’
shoes I made him d idn ’
t fit anywhere excepton his corns . Was ashamed of
’
em every t ime he
p lead a case . Fe l t hum i la ted every t ime he saw’
em .
(P lies bammer vigorously . ) Plague take it ! I wou ldn’
t
hurt a,
l awyer ’s feelin’
s fur the world,spec ially b is
feelin’
s . That man is downr ight insult in’
in his ways.
Jist b ecause I prom i sed him a pa i r 0 ’
new shoes lastThanksgiv in
’
an’
d idn ’
t g it’
em ready t i l l Chr istmas
he stormed round l ike a house afire. Sa id I was worse’
n the ta i lor an ’
be don’
t never get anyth ing ready on
t ime . Some peop l e th inks the i rs is the only job in
town . As i f a shoemaker wasn ’
t human an’
consekentlybad to fa i l in his prom i ses sometimes. That old pett ifogger actooally sa id i f I was responsib le he ’
d caneme . I
’
d l ike to see’
im try it . It’
s th i rty year senceanybody tr i ed tba t game on me. But he
’
s good payan
’
b in my customer fur th i rty odd year . An ’ customersa int none too plenty these days 0 ’
factry shoes. It’
s
most l y patch in ’
an’ people putt in
’
on a i rs as i f they263
THE. COBBLER.
was conferr in’ favors lett in ’
you patch the i r old shoes.
Old Boyd has a tongue , though , i f he is a gent leman .
Sa id I want no b etter ’
n a tramp pr inter,an
’
a doz en o’
them want worth the pr i ce of a g lass 0’
beer . Durnhim ! Cobb li n
’
is a better bus iness ’
n the law any day .
In my day I had the best trade in I l lino i s. I’
ve made
shoes“
fur j udges, an’
generals , yes , an’
fur a pres ident,
too. Made one pa i r fur Abe Lincoln when he was uphere in
’
59 plead in’
a case . He come In an’
,sez he
,
“ I wan t a pa i r 0 ’
k ipshoes , make’
em easy !” “
That wasall the d i rect ions. When he come fur
’
em they wen ton li ke grease , an
’
,sez he
,
“That ’s the way [ like’
em .
H e d idn ’
t p inch ’
em an’
stompround the shop an’
sme l l the l eather an’
ask i f it was Spli t . H e wasn’
t
that sort. H e went away an’
left his old ones an’ l ike
a foo l I throw ed’
em away . I’
d g ive a thousand do l larsfur
’
em th i s, m inn it . No,I wouldn ’
t . I couldn ’
t a ffordtog ive one do l lar fur ’
em ,but I ’
low there are folks ’
at
wou ld .
K nocking a t door . Goes to door'
and ca r r i es on conver sa
tion w itb one outside. COBBLER only is bea rd.
H eh ? Min i ster wants his shoes ? They a int done yet .
Prom ISed yisterday . So they was,but my old woman
wasn’
t well y isterday a fternoon and I had to stay at
home w i th her . When ’
1 1 he g it’
em ?
,
To-morrow .
Sure ? ( Testily . ) I sa id to-morrow . (Comes back dow n
g r umbling . ) Some peop l e th ink s ye k in do everyth ingat onct . The m in i ster k in wr i te sermons in his sli ppers
,
cord in to my te l l. Where are his shoes ? (R ummages. )Plague take i t . I
’
m g i tt in"forg itfuller
‘
every day .
Peop l e th ink s a Shoemaker ough t to carry everyth ingin his m ind . Nex t th ing they
’
1 1 b e want in’
.
me to sleepw i th the i r old shoes. (F inds sboes. ) Humph ! Easy totell they was preacher ’s shoes. H e
’
s m ighty keerfulof
’
em. H as to be on his salary ,an
’ people not a pay in ’
upprompt . They ’
ve b een b lack ed an’
b lacked t i l l theya int much left b ut b lack in
’1 an
’ cracks. Not wuth'
mendin’
_
nohow ,b ut I s
’pose I ’ l l have to doctor femup somehow . They ‘
ought to befox ed but that’
ud costmor
’
n they ’ re worth .
264
THE. COBBLERQ’
have to make her‘
a new pa Ir , noth in ’
short of i t,an
’
then l ike ly she ’
d want damages for the troub le I causedher. (F inzsbes w r apping MRS. GREEN ’
5 sboes and lays
tbem upca r efully on skelf. P icks upanotberpair . G reatChr istopher ! Here ’
s a pa i r of old M rs. J ink ’
s shoesand Ipromi sed ’
em to-day never think in ’
of the'
mov in ’
.
There ’ l l be mus i c i f she don ’
t g it’
em . She ’
s the onlyperson in town I don ’
t dare to d i sappoint . T r i ed itonce an
’
it lasted me twenty yea r ; Tongue ! Thatwoman could talk down a parrot house any day .
She ’
s a buz z saw worked by’
lectr ic ity . The Old hyena 'Why
,that t ime she wanted to go away v isit i n
’
her
s i ster ’s an’
her shoes wasn ’
t qu i te done—sucha tongue
lash in ’
as I got . I don ’
t ca re much for people ’s ch inn in
’
genally . Some I laugh at , an"some I humor
,b ut
I stood l ike a stacher before her and dasn ’
t open mymonth. There must be si ch th ings as spec ial prov ideuces
,fur old man J inks ls dea f as a post .
Tb rows some sboes into box . Takes uplargepa ir and
pause .s Looks intently a t tbem .
Why i f them a int Col. Sawyer ’s shoes. Might a
known em by the s iz e , b iggest' _
foot in the state I reckon .
He never -
got any repa ir in’
done’cause I had no other
shoes in the shop b ig enough for his feet to changeinto. Cana l boats we uster ca l l ’
em. Why,the co lo
ne l ’s been g one west these ten year . An ’
I’m m ighty
sorry the town lost him . Sou l as b ig as his feet— his
immorta l sou l I mean. (Laugbs. ) H e d id the town
some good. Always sta rt in ’
some enterpr i se an’
keep in ’
i t a go in’
,too. H e d idn ’
t set round t i l l he took rootl ike some peop l e in th is town . H e w as a Customer.
Two pa i rs of new shoes an ’
one pa i r of boots a year a tten do l lars a pa i r . An ’
no patch in’
,
’cause he a lwayssa id l i fe was too short to wa i t fur patches. An ’
he
never k icked e i ther i f I was a mon th or so late'
on
prom ise. H e was a gent l eman an’
never tr ied to b rowbeat poor folks .
Tb r ow s sboes in box . Takes_
upanotber pa ir .
Farmer Snooks ! (Laugb s bear tily . )'
By g inger ! thatWas funny . (Laugbs till be bolds b is sides . ) Made that
266
THE COBBLER.
pa i r for Snooks an’
agreed to take it - in trade . Fustth ing I knowed , one n ight when I went home
,I found
a wagon load 0’
turn i ps in the cellar . Mar iar was hotbut she ’
s one o’
them k ind ’
at‘
never says much . Sa'ysshe
,
“ Cy , what on a i rth d id you buy so many turn i psfur ?
” Sez I,I vum i i I know . I told Snooks I ’
d take
trade,but I guess I clean forgot to. say w hat _
k ind 0’
trade . Mar iar she never sa id no more but j ist cookedturn i ps every day fur about two months. Of cou rse Idasn
’
t say noth in ’
,t i ll one day she got dreadfu l pa ined
an’
s i ck,an
’
the doctor had to come on the run . H e
sa id she was threatened w i th dropisy , an’ I j ist fed the
rest 0 ’
them turn i ps to the p igs . They k in work the i rspo i led truck off on the m in ister an ’
the ed i tor,for they
can ’
t he l p the i rselves, but they don’
t work it off on me
no more .
Takes upanotber pa i rBy j ingo ,
there ’
s an old shoe of Jake Hart ’s. K now
it by the way he always run ’
em down . I ’
low they ’ renot any
‘
worse run down than Jake was. Poor feller,
d idn ’
t he go to the dogs a fter his mother le ft him a forl
tune ? _Want a n i cer woman in town than M rs. Hart .
But she d i ed at the r igh t t ime . Poor Jake ! Best heartedfe l ler ye ever see . I made the fi rst pa i r of boots he
ever had when he wasn ’
t h igher than that . (H olds band
to skow becgbt. ) H ismother fetched him in . H e sp i ed a
p i ece ofred morocco he wou ld have that fur tops in sp i teof her . Jake pa inted everyth ing red. Races
,wh i skey ,
bad company , an’
then shoot in ’
that man . Guess the
man needed shoot in,
’
but Jake had to vamoose . I wonder where he is now ? Nobody
’
ll ever know I reckon .
It’
s a lways that way in th i s world , we a int m i ssed long .
Opens an old sboe box .
What ’s th i s ? (B r usbes of dust,r eads
,
“N ellie B lake.
We l l I vum ! I d idn ’
t know that any of Nellie B lake ’
s
shoes was here y it. (M uses ) What’ l l I do w i th tbem?
I can ’
t throw tbem away . She was the best g i r l thatever li ved in th i s town . There a int many angels any
where on earth,I ’
low,b ut Nelli e was one i f there be
any. I wonder i f she would have changed i f she ’
d have267
THE COBBLER.
l i ved ? N o I guess she ( 1 be the same to-day. Her an’
Jake Hart was good fr i ends. J ined yards an’ p layed
together . Jake went among the best then . Peop le sa idhe l iked Ne l lie
,fur a fter she d i ed he seemed all b roke
up like,an
’
went away w i th his mother to trave l . Iwonder ifI ough t to send th em shoes to her mother ? Idon
’
t know,mebbe
'
it wou ld please her,see in
’ Nell iewas an On l y ch i ld . No
,
‘
I -
guess it m ight do mo re harmthan good . (Witb feeling . I know what that is. Ihave a l i tt le pa i r ofs hoes out at the toes that I dasn ’
t
show Mar iar,though I know she has th ings ofour l i tt le
'
Jack hid away . (Ge-ts out little sboes. Looks at ikem fondly ,
w ipes b is glasses—
w itb bandker cb i .ef These durn specsi s g i tt in
’
so I can ’
t see noth in ’
. Our little Jack ! I k insee him now runn in
’
down the street to call me to d in
ner. H e was the youngest and w e took to him morethan to tothers.
’ I ’ l l lay away Ne l l i e ’
s shoes and keepthem a long w i th Jack
’
s . They was fr i ends, too. (Wipesglasses . ) M y specs seems aw fu l dusty . (Looks fondlyat sboes as beputs tbem away . ) Jack 1 s wa 1 t 1 n fur Mar iaran
’
me. It wont be very long now t i l l we ’
llsee him.
CURTA IN ,
26
DENlSON’SACTING PLAYS.
Pr ice 1 5 Cents Each , Postpaid ,
“
Unless Different Pr ice is Given .
FARCES AND SKETCHES .
In theWrong House , 20Iri sh Linen Peddler , 40m in .
Is the Edi tor in ? 20 m inJoli n Sm i th , 3 0m inJust My Luck , 20m inKansas Imm igrants, 20K iss in the Dark ,
30m inLark ins’ LoveLetters , 50 m in .
Limer ick B oy, 30minLove and Rain , sk etch , 20m .
Luck y S ixpence , 3 0 m in .
Lucy’s Old Man , sk etch 1 5 Hi
M ik e Donovan , 1 5 m ini sses Beers , 25 m inistak e in Identity , sketch , 1 5
Model of aWi fe , 25 m inMovement Cure , 1 5 m inrs . Gamp’ 8 Tea , sketch , 1 5
y Jerem iah , 20 m in .
My Lord in Livery , 45min.
My Neighbor ’s Wi fe , 45 minMy Turn Next , 5 0m inNarrowEscape , sketch , 1 5 m .
Not at Home , 1 5 m inOn Guard , 25 m in .
Persecu ted Du tchman, 3 5min .
Pets of Society , 3 0m inPlayed and Lost , sketch , 1 5 m .
PullBack , 20m inQu iet Fam ily , 45 m inRealm of Time , musical
legory , 30 m inRegular F ix , 50m inRou gh Diamond , 40m in .
Row In K itchen and PoliticiaB reakfast , 2 monologues .
S ilent Woman , 25 m inSlasher and Crasher , 1 h . 1 5 mSque
v
ers’ School, sk etch , 1 8 m
Tam ing a Ti ger , 20m in . .
That RascalPat , 3 5 m in .
Too M uch of a Good Thing , 50Turn Him Out , 5 0 m in .
Twen ty M inu tes Under Umb rella , sketch , 20m in
Two Bon nycastles , 45 m i n
Two Gay Dece ivers , 25 m inTwo Gents i n a F ix , 20Two Ghosts in Whi te , 25 m in .
Two Pudd ifoots , 40m inUncle Dick ’s M i stak e , 20m in
V ery PleasantEvening , 3 0manted a Correspondent , 1 hr .
hich Will He M arry ? 30mhimte
1 n
Caps (The) , musical, 3 0
Who Told The Lie ? 3 0m inide Enou gh for Two , 50m in .
omen of Lowenburg , b i storical sk etch , 5 scen es , 50 m .
Woman Hater (The) , 3 0m in .
Wonderfu l Letter , 25Wooing Under Difliculties, 3 5
Yankee Peddler 1 hr
0 0 0 0 0
No Cure , No Pay , 1 0 m in 3Othello and Desdemona, 1 2m. 2Prof . Black ’
s F unnygraph , 1 5
0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
o o o o o o o o o o ooo o o o o o
ETHIOPIAN FARCES.
Academy of Stars, 1 5 m inAll Expenses : O r , Nobody ’
s
Son , 1 0 m inaby Coach Parade , 20mack from Californy ; O r OldClothes , 1 2 m in
Deaf, In a Horn , 1 2m inHamlet the Dainty , 1 5 m inHandy Andy , 1 2 m inHau nted Hou se , 8 m inJok e on Squ in im (The) . 25 mJumbo Jum 30m i n
M ischievou s Ni gger (The ) , 20
Quarrelsom e Servants , 8 m inRoom s to Let, 1 5 m inSham Doctor (The ) , 1 5 m in
Sports on a La rk , 8 m in .
Stage Struck Darky , 1 0m in .
Stocks Up, Stock s Down 8 mTrick s, 1 0mi nTwo Pompeys (The) , 8 m inUncle Jeff, 25 m inUnhappy Pair (An ) , 1 0m inV i lliken s and H is Dinah 20
Wax Work s at Play , 3 0 m inWilliam Tell, 1 5 m in .
The publisher believes that he casay truthfully that Denis-on ’
s list c
plays i s on the whole the best 8
lected and most successful in th
mark et. N ew P lays w ill be addefrom time to time .
Manuscr ipts , not on ly of plays b tof any books sim ilar to those in De
i son ’s catalogue , w i ll receive caretattention and i f accepted will bpaid for at current prices.
CHOICE PLAYS AND AM USEM ENT BOOKS.
Plays by T. S. DENISON.
Tha t the plays wr i tten by T . S. Denison a re , all things considered , the b e st
for am a teu rs , is a ttes ted by the ir ve ry
large and increasing sale .
New plays in this type .
COMED IES.
ACTS. TIME. M . F .
OddsWi th the Enemy , 5 , 2 hrs. 7—4Se th Greenb ack , 4, I h . 1 5 In . 7
—3
The School M a’
am , 4, I h. 45 In . 6— 5Only Daughter , 3 , I h. 1 5 In . 5— 2
Louva , the Pauper , 5, 2 hrs 9—4Under the Laurels , 5 , 2 hrs . 5
—4Danger S ignal, 2, I h . 45 In . 7
—4
Our Country , H i stor
cal Play , 3 . I h. 1 0— 5
Toppp8 Tw ins , 4,4 2 hrs. 6—4It
’s allin Pay St reak , 3 , I h. 40m . 4
—3
The New Woman , 3. I 3—6
FARCES.
ACTS. TIME. M . F .
Ini tiating a Granger , 25 m . 8
Wanted , a Correspondent, 2 , 45 m . 4—4
AFam ily S tr ike , 20 In . 3—3
Tw o Ghosts In White , 20 In .— 8
The Assessor , 1 0 In . 3—2
Borrow ing Troub le ,20 m . 3
—5Country Justice , 20 m . 8
The Pull-B ack , 20 In .— 6
Hans von Sm ash, 2 , 30m . 4 3Irish Linen Peddler , 2 , 40 In . 3-3
Kansas Imm igrants , 20 In . 5—r
Too M uch ofGood Thing , 45 In . 3—6
Is the Ed i tor In ?Pe ts of
_
Soc iety,W ide Enough for Two ,
Patsy 0’Wang ,
RejectedA F irst=Class Hotel,M ad . Pr inceton
’5 Temple
Beau ty ,
e in Cyclone ,
Cobbler ,
TEM PERAN CE.
The Sparkling Cup,H ard Cider ,Only Cold Tea ,
W Topp’s Tw in s and I t
‘
s a ll in
th e P a y St r e a k , 25 c . e ach. Allothers , 1 50 . ea ch. Postpa id .
La rge Ca ta log ue F r ee .
T. S. DENISON, Publisher , 1 6 3 Randolph St
25C .
SPEAKERS.
r iday Afternoon SpeakF or pupils of all age s , 25C .
Cho ice Pieces for Little People , 25c.
Pat r iot ic Speak er .
Carefully selec ted from b est authors ,250.
Dialect Readings .
Ir ish, Du tch, N egro , Scotch, etc . , 25C.
Sunday School P ieces , a 250,
Scrap=Book Recitat ions .
Achoice collection ofp ieces , pathetic ,
hum orous , d escriptive , prose andpoe try. Eleven Nos . , per No . 25c .
TAB LEAUX AN D SHAD OWS.
Shadow P ictu res , Pantom imes ,Charades , and how to prepare them ,
250.
School and Parlor Tableaux .
F or school, chu rch and parlor ,F iggers of Mrs . Jarley .
W i th fu lld i I ee tions for prepar ing , 250.
O PERETTAS.
B onnyb ell,Elma the Fa iry ChiEulali a ,Enchanted Wood ,Pocahontas ,
Chicago .
D IALOGUES.
F r iday Afternoon Dialogues .
Twenty-five or iginal p iece s ,When the Lessons a re Over .
New Dialogu es , N ew Dri lls , N ew
Plays , 250.
Dialogues from Dick ens .
Thi rteen S elections ,ll Sort s of Dialogues .Just ou t . D i alogues for you ths , child ren and li ttle tots , also p ieces forspec i al occas ions , 250.
SPEC IAETIES.
Pr ivate Theat r icals .
How to selec t pla ys , form , cas t , re
hearsals . ra in , lightn ing , e tc . , 250.
Neg ro l’
linst rels .Just the book needed . Tells the
whole thing , 250.
Work and PlayAgem of a b ook for child ren In schoolor church ente rta inmen ts , 250.
Prank s and Past imes .
All sor ts of gam e s , pu z z les shadowscenes , e tc fo r even ing par ties , 250.
Social Ca rd Games .
An excellen t m anu al of all commongam es , a lso tr i cks a nd d zhver szons 350.
Debate r’
s Handbook ( cloth) , 500.
Good M anne rs ,250.
Eve ry body’
s Let te r =Wr ite r , 250.
SCRAP =BOOK RECITATIONSBy HENRYM.
_
SOPER,P r esident of Soper School of Oratory , Chicago.
Tw elv e N um b er s , 1 44 pp. Ea ch , P ost P a i d , 25 C en ts P e r N um b er .
N o . 1 . Contai ns a great range ofpieces for all ages , from 1 0 years
upward Also the“ FATHER OF
HIS COUNTRY ,
”an adm i Iab le
exerci se , arranged for schools :
Music ,Reci tations , D ialogues , Tab
leaux , etc .
“ Ex cells anything w e have ever
seen for the purpose —Eclecti cTeacher .
N o . 2 . Contains pr i z e oration , “ Bat
tle of Gettysbu rg” ( in no other
pub lication ) . Also “ TEM PERANCESUPPLEMENT ,
”comprising
some of the finest reci tations ex
tant .The selection s are fresh , pu re and
elevating .
” —M zssour z Teacher .
N o . 3 . Has “ The Problem ofLi fe , ”from Theodore Tilton’s master ora
tion ( publi shed nowhere else ) ,The B attle of Cannes , a copy
r ighted H i s t-o r i c a l P o e m ,
“ CHRISTMAS SUPPLEMENT , of
Reci tations and Dialogues.
There i s such a variety of proseand poetry, pathos , fun and nar
rative as i s not often found in the
com pass of one small book .—P r ac
tical Teacher .
N o . 4. Has the finest DecorationDay Poem ex tant — “
The Heroesand the Flowers AHeroic Medley“ Battle of M i ssion Ri dge ; ATemperance Song Reci tal; Choicc
Humor , etc ,
“ Good in var iety and will su i t allmoods and c o
‘n d i t i o n s.
”—InterOcean , Chicago.
N o . 5 . Conta ins the famou s Cha riot Race
” from “ Ben Hur ; copyr ighted selection by B i ll Ny ;e
Grady ’s New Sou th ; Wi t ,
Humor , Pathos, etc ., in great
variety ,
Some of the b est specimens of thepatr iotic and humorous styles.—N .
Y. School J ournal.
N o . 6 . Has the “ Ballad of —M aryJane,”a Popu lar SchoolPantom ime
and Reci tation , 6 characters ; AHumorous M edley ; Riley
’s
“ ElfChild ; F ineEulog ies on Grant andLogan .
N o . 7 . Has Cupid among theS trawberries , ” One Act Comedy( 2 males and 3 fenIales ) ,
“ M i ssionof the Press ,” a pri z e oration , Ingalls ’Eulogy on Burns ; How Blink sNam ed the Baby , an d mu ch oflatest humor , etc .
N o . 8 . SOPER’S P A T R I O T ICSPEAK ER .
_ Washington Och tenn ial Speeches of Depew , Albertson ,M ason , M cIn tyre G u n s a u lu s
H irsch . Bu rrows, Thu rston , B lake ;also Choi ces‘t Patriotic Orations andPoem s, from Cicero down to thepresent day ; for all occasions
T. 5 . DENISON , Publisher ,
1 63 Randolph Street , CHICAGO.
e S
N o . 9 . Has the famou s InterstateCollege Contest Oration , “ Ind ividualism in Society ”
by M . H . Lyon ;How It Really Was ,
”a humorou s
d ialogue (4 characters) ;“ Iri sh
Molly ,
”new heroic hi storicalpoem ;
“Queen of the May ,” i ntroducing
several characters ; appropriatesongs, reci tation s, etc. Severalother fine selections.
N O . 1 0 . Contains. selections forWashington ’
s B ir thday , Thank sg iv ing and other holidays . Thisnumb er is largely humorous , p iecesby Robt. B urdette , M ark Twain ,T . S. Den i son , Detroi t F ree P r ess;Also “ Aun tie’
s Cou rtship ; ” “The
B icycle Girl “The FacialFam ily ;”
“ Presentation of the Trum pet ;” etc .
The selections are adm i rable.
”
Eli Perkins (M elville E. Landon) .
N o'
. 1 1 . Full of new and goodthings ; Will be fully upto i ts predecessors. Conta ins Pr i z e ContestOrations . S U P P L E M EN T O FORIGINALSELECTIONS by W. H .
Head ,including “ He Lau ghed atF ire ,
” monologue for a man (veryfunny ) ; “ The Trials of a Columb ian Guard ; humorous d ialectreci tation , “ Dot N ew Song ,” etcReady Apri l 1 , 1 8 9 5 .
SOPER ’SD IALECT READ IN GS.
F ull of F un—French ,Germ an , N e
gro , Scotch, Yankee , Chinese ,
Hoosier , Italian , Cock ney and Yorkshi re D ialects , 1 44 pages , 25 cts.
“ Just the thing for those in searchof recitations in dialects.
”—P opularEducator .
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