Helen Oakwater Coach, Trainer & Author Adoptive Parent of sibling group placed in 1990’s aged 5,4,2 How and why social networking is transforming adoption. The need for Future Proofing A problem well defined is a problem half solved 1 Presentations to Lawyers & Co Autumn 2014
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Helen Oakwater Coach, Trainer & Author
!Adoptive Parent of sibling group
placed in 1990’s aged 5,4,2
How and why social networking is transforming adoption.
The need for Future Proofing
A problem well defined is a problem half solved
1
Presentations to Lawyers & Co Autumn 2014
What’s happening now• Email received by adopted child at Xmas
Sweetheart im so happy iv found you plse rit back coz uv bin told lies bout me
• Adopted children retraumatised by birth family arriving in their bedroom
What’s happening now• “Reunited” children returning to live with birth
families, dropped out of school,
• Adoptive families already struggling crack under the extra strain and child returns to LAC
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Technology advances
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Experts
ROGER HAMILTON : 10 GLOBAL FUTURE TRENDS (AVAILABLE ON SLIDE SHARE)
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Who is looking? Both sides
• Birth Family,
• mum, dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, nanny, grandpa and many of their mates
• Adopted child (& LAC children)
• Adolescence
• Typical “I hate my parents” massively magnified
• “My real family would ...............”
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Why are they looking?!
• Curiosity
• Unanswered questions
• What are they doing now?
• Alleviate guilt & shame
• Mismatch (feelings & ‘facts’)
} Was ever thus
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Why wouldn’t they?
Why now? Because they can• OPPORTUNITY: 60 / 24 / 7 / 365
• In May 2007 Facebook had 23 million users Worldwide
• In December 2009 Facebook had 23 million users in the UK: (ie 20 months later)
• Each day 23 million people within UK access Facebook
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Adoption Now• Adoption breakdowns
(after Order) statistics were not captured
• Few long term studies (all small)
• Anecdotal evidence is grim
• Post adoption support woefully inadequate
• Julie Selwyn
The past : remember why they were removed
• Deeply inadequate parenting
• Intentional harm
• Failure to protect
• Adults unlikely to change (in child’s timescales)
Classi- fication
What was done to them Some examples
What it did to them Possible interpretations
Emotional Abuse
Berated, insulted, compared unfavourably to others, ignored
I am wrong, bad, worthless. They want me dead. I should not
be alive, I’m not wanted
Physical Abuse
Beaten, thrashed, burned, used as ashtray, hit with chair/stick/hand/belt,
locked in cupboardThe world is a dangerous place,
I am bad & powerless,
Sexual Abuse
Violated, Raped, forced to watch or participate in sexual acts
Destroyed innocence. I can’t trust anyone
NeglectUnfed for days, nappies not changed, no
toys, no interaction with adults, left alone for hours, unwashed, no play,
No self concept. I don’t matter, life is hopeless, I am helpless
&/or rage filled. Do I even exist?
Chaotic environment
Lots of different carers, locations, broken promises, frequent moves, squalor
No safe or secure base. I am terrified.
TraumaA combination of experiences and events
that felt utterly overwhelming or life threatening to the child
I am going to die.
Reasons children are removed from their birth families
12Table taken from Bubble Wrapped Children
Sensory Experience !with Neglect!
!•Hear - Crashing doors .. “shut up you stupid f**ing Bi**h”!•See - darkness!•Taste - sour milk, vomit!•Smell - own faeces & urine : vomit & sour milk!•Feel - cracked skin of nappy rash from stomach to knees, !•Feel - cold feet, gripping stomach pains from hunger
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Metaphorical! Bubblewrap distorts their view of the world and !the world’s
view of them
• VIEW OF SELF • I’m not safe • I’m not cared for • I’m scared • I’m unlovable • I’m ignored • I’m not valued • I’m alone • I’m bad
• VIEW OF THE WORLD • It’s a terrifying hostile world • People hurt you • Dangerous place • No one could ever love me • I am not important • There is no place for me • The world is dangerous • The world is not okay
Poor attachment between child and others15
Inadequate→ Poor → Toxic Parenting
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TIMELINE
0 10 20
!
Likely LifeTrajectory with little intervention
Inadequate→ Poor → Toxic Parenting
Consequences of neglect and maltreatment
• Developmental gaps
• Damage from Trauma: (“overwhelming affect or belief you might die”)
• PTSD & Developmental Trauma
• BUBBLE WRAP metaphor
• Distorts our view of them and their map of the world
• Belief formation “distorted”A problem well defined is a problem half solved
Typical “Life story” book: My early lifeMe and Mummy on
my first birthday
Sometimes Mummy was ill and couldn’t look after me properly
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Here are my brothers and sisters
Sometimes Mummy got angry and shouted so an important person (Judge)
agreed with social workers that I needed a new forever
Mummy and Daddy. That’s called adoption.
One day Mummy was ill so the police came and took us away. We lived with different foster
parents and met weekly
Typical “Life story” book: My early life
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“The house was a bit messy”
Real “Life story”: My actual early life
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Real “Life story”: My actual early life
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mismatch between
saccharine life story book and
actual sensory
experience
GET REAL BE TRUTHFUL This is a complete mismatch with the saccharine life story
book the child is given. Yet this was their experience,
their truth, stored in their implicit memory and sensory
databank.22
Black!eye
Bruising of different colours on her face
Bruising on both ears
Hand and finger marks around her neckSwelling on top of head
Blunt trauma injury to front temple
Nappy rash from waist to
knees!
Took 4 weeks to healDrank 2 bottles of milk !in less than 4 minutes
Rammed food into her !mouth until she was sick
SWs unable to wake parents!Gran (unconcerned) present
Wet soiled cot!vomit on mattress!
no bedding
“I’ve never ever seen such a sad defeated child” Foster Carer
BIRTH FAMILY STILL SCREAMING
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Birth Family Perspectives?• “wot did i do wrong?”
• “I’ve always loved you”
• “That never happened” .... I cant remember it
• Cycle of grief for years/decades ...what are likely coping strategies?
• What has changed in their world since time of removal/adoption? What learnings?
• Can they honour child's experiences? Empathy? Mindsight?
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Contact Works When Birth Family:-Take Responsibility Offer a coherent account of what life was like !
Say “Sorry” It was our fault not yours !
Give their blessing to where the child is currently living !
CONTACT MUST HAVE PURPOSE AND MEANING !
Cruel and unrealistic if Birth Family expected to do this without support