Learning The Hard Way Why You Just Shouldn't Get Too
Closehttp://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2015/06/27/417415574/learning-the-hard-way-why-you-just-shouldnt-gettooclose?sc=17&f=1001&utm_source=iosnewsapp&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=app
June 27, 2015 7:03 AM ET Deepak Singh i Adolfo Valle for NPR
Adolfo Valle for NPR As a newcomer in the United States, I have
made many cultural gaffes. Some were not such a big deal, some were
mildly embarrassing and some were, well, quite painful.When I first
started working in the U.S., I followed my boss into the restroom
one day. There were five urinals and all of them were free. He went
to the one at the far end. I wondered why he didn't go to the one
that was closest to him. I chose the urinal right next to him.
Standing beside him, I said, "It's a nice day today, isn't it?"He
didn't respond."Nice day, isn't it?" I repeated.No answer. He acted
as if he didn't know me. It was very strange.Later in the day, he
called me to his cubicle and said: "In America, you don't use the
urinal right next to the one that is already in use. You do that
only if the others are not free. And, definitely do not talk to the
person while urinating. It's not cool."I grew up in India a country
where a thousand people are walking in your direction at any given
time of day. The country has a huge population, and it seemed as if
there wasn't enough room for us all.My family parents and three
children lived in a tiny, two-bedroom apartment. Under ordinary
circumstances, space was tight. When relatives came to visit,
things got tighter. A lot of times, I shared a bed with my brother
and dad.I rode to school with eight kids on a cycle rickshaw that
was built to carry three. At school, there were 50 kids in a
classroom that had room for only 25. On trains and buses, I could
never truly claim a seat for myself. If there was room to adjust,
move my bottom back or forward, or sideways, I made space for
another person. In such close quarters, I had to learn to love the
human touch in order not to hate it.That's especially true in
lines. In India, I have waited in lines at train stations, cinema
halls and banks with 100 or more people. The line acted like one
organism, every individual connected, everyone inching forward at
the slightest hint of movement.When I moved to the United States, I
didn't quite understand the idea of personal space both in terms of
privacy and body contact. It took me quite a while to understand
that I didn't have to stand right behind the guy in a line when I
say right behind I mean my body touching his waiting to get on the
train or to order food at a caf.I learned this lesson the hard way.
Several years ago, I found myself at a post office in Virginia. The
big gaps between the customers made the line longer than it needed
to be. It was spilling out of the small space. I had never seen
anything like this before.It didn't make sense to me that people
were standing so far apart. So I moved closer to the guy in front
of me. He immediately turned back and looked at me, then moved a
couple of paces ahead, reopening the gap between us. I didn't
understand why. I turned back and saw the person behind me hadn't
moved closer to me. I moved a couple of steps again and got closer
to the guy ahead. This time he gave me a stern look and moved away.
I was confused and wanted to know what I was doing wrong. I put my
hand on his shoulder gently and asked, "Is there anything wrong?"He
actually got out of line and left the building. In a hurry.After
living in the States for more than a decade, I have learned to
appreciate personal space. I have come to understand that while in
India you touch anyone and everyone in the course of a day, that
kind of close physical contact is reserved for very close friends
and family in the U.S.I go back to India every year, and I see the
friends I grew up with. My ideas about human touch have changed,
but my friends haven't. They like to hold my hand while going for a
stroll. They put their arms around me and sit next to me on a couch
thigh-to-thigh. This makes me wonder about a lot of things. Being
in close physical proximity with friends in India makes me feel
close to them, close enough that I could share anything.I find
Americans very friendly, but the unsaid rule of personal space
never lets you get close to people, even when they are your
friends. There is an invisible circle around a person, which seems
impenetrable. Sometimes, I'm tempted to throw my arm around my
American friends, squeeze their shoulders or hold their hand a
little longer during a handshake.Then I wonder if it would be a
touch awkward.Deepak Singh is a writer living in Ann Arbor,
Mich.